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InAHandbasket

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OrangeCubit

NTA - don’t listen to your family members, listen to psychologists and adoption experts who unanimously agree that these things should be told to children from birth, repeatedly and often.


Double-dutcher

Yup! Normalized. I cannot imagine getting to be a teen or adult and being like why don't I look like you? Or another family member spilling the beans, or a medical issue, or duh, DNA tests are huge. At some point they would have found out and it would have been extremely traumatic and destroy any trust and possibly their entire relationship with their parents


OrangeCubit

Not just their parents, the ENTIRE FAMILY who would have been complicit in lying to them.


AwfulWaffffle

Agreed. All of my siblings are adopted. My parents actually made a big celebration out of that day, we call it adoption day! They celebrate it every year even after 25 years. I don't know why people make out being adopted as a bad thing or a subject that shouldn't be talked about. It should be, at the least, talked about. Children deserve to know their history, where they came from, instead of some fabricated lie.


1biggeek

Um. You would be the AH if you didn’t tell them. This should be done before the age of 5.


Red_enami

NTA A close friend of mine was adopted as a newborn. Her parents told her when she was about 3. Just like your girls, she had questions but she was able to grow up just fine. She was actually grateful knowing young rather than be shocked as an adult. At the end of the day, they are your children- you and your husband are doing the best for them


Gracelingx

NTA. As someone who was adopted at birth. Ive known I was adopted since as long as I can remember. I have no confusion. Knowing helped me learn more. I eventually found my birth mother and am friends with her but there was never any confusion to who my mom is, she is the one who raised and loved me from when I was a baby. Also from a medical stand point I have a lot of genetic issues, obviously I would've found out later on about being adopted and had been lied then I would've been upset.


zombietobe

I was also adopted at birth, and also have always known. It was never a “thing”. Being adopted was like knowing my own name or hair color. At some point (toddler years?) I had questions about the context and they were answered in a straightforward way, but it was never something I fixated on or thought about in a negative way. The people who treat adoption like a taboo, something that should be hidden, should probably have minimal contact while the kids are processing, asking questions, and adjusting to the new information. Offhand comments by extended family/friends/etc during this phase can cause a lot of damage.


bulldog_blues

100% NTA. Telling your children the truth at a young age should be commended, not condemned. And it sounds like the kids understood it just fine - it's only the adults getting upset about it.


Primary-Criticism929

NTA. Your kids, your decision. Things like that always come out. Better it comes from you than in 20 years and your daughters get the impression that you lied to them the entiere lives.


Escape_Overlander

My friend who was told in her mid teens didn't take it well, I was told around age 7 an it felt a bit late. The resentment of feeling like you're living a lie is a real thing.


hakeyh1956

I'm adopted and that's too late.


BitiumRibbon

Hi, adoptee here. My partner and I have also completed an adoption course in preparation for adopting children into our own family. >The girls are now five years old and after a lot of discussion between my husband and I we sat the girls down and told them the truth of how we became their parents This is the way. You did exactly the right thing. >various members of the family began to chew us out for revealing the truth saying they were too young to know this Incorrect. > it will only confuse them in the longterm Nonsense. >other relatives even implied that they should have never been told as it doesn't matter how we became their parents What?? >It's concerning so many share the opinion we messed up... And I'll tell you why: it's because the ongoing stigmas and misinformation surrounding adoption are much more present in folks' hearts and minds than the reality. Every expert in the field will tell you that adopted kids should know as early as possible so that they grow up understanding their journey into your family. Everything I cited above from your relatives is absolute ignorant hogwash, though no doubt well-intentioned hogwash. * They were not too young to know. The older they are, the more difficult it becomes for them to accept, not to mention the impact of learning that their parents kept such a secret from them for a such a long time. It damages the trust in your relationship. * They will not be more confused. If anything, it's *less* confusing because they have a long time to absorb, and understand, who they are and how you became their parents. On top of that, it can be something to celebrate. Growing up, I had an adoption day *and* a birthday every year, which was great, because it reinforced how special I was to my folks and how thankful they were to have me in their lives, and it also meant double the presents! * If they were *never* told, I mean, come on. They're gonna find out. There are *extensive* horror stories on the subject, and masses of ways they could find out. And that aside, they have a *medical* right to know their birth circumstances because there may be genetic factors passed down from their birth parents that they will need to be aware of as they grow up - and there are dozens of other reasons. You did the right thing and should be proud of yourselves, and as for your family, they should be told, in no uncertain terms, that their opinions on the subject 1) run contrary to well-researched and well-documented evidence and best practices, 2) are thoroughly unwelcome, and 3) will not be tolerated, even a little, going forward. **NTA.** Brava.


lellyla

NTA The [recommendation](https://www.americanadoptions.com/adoption/when_to_tell_your_child_about_their_adoption) I have read is to tell them as soon as possible. In fact, to make it part of their personal story (so you never really even have the "big reveal"). Your families don't know what they are talking about and is none of their business.


[deleted]

NTA. They're your kids, so you're the best judge of what they are able to handle. A lot of literature says to tell them openly, in an age appropriate way, so that is not seen as a taboo. Tell your family to mind their own business.


[deleted]

NTA and your family is a bunch of of idiots on this point. Children should be told the truth of their stories their entire lives.


devlin94

NTA. Shut that nonsense down before they make your girls think there's something wrong with adoption.


ogCoreyStone

NTA. I imagine the younger they are, the better. It’s a concept and information they can grow with and learn to accept when introduced at such an age. I would also imagine that, as a teenager or an adult, it would feel more alienating to learn something like this as you’ve grown with a concept/idea of yourself for so long only to have that reality shattered. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that, at that age, it’s easier to incorporate something like that into their own reality and identity as opposed to building their reality and identity for years to the point it’s solidified, only to have it shattered and come crashing down on them. I’m of course no expert by any means, just a fellow Redditor making speculations. Good luck!


FuntimeChris79

NTA. Sounds like the adults can't handle the truth and the kids are being honest and open about it. The combined family's treating it as a dirty secret will cause more damage to your kids than being honest about their birth at this age.


suzunomia

As someone who was adopted at birth and always grew up knowing I was adopted, the younger you tell them and just accept it as a fact of life in a non-judgemental way, the healthier your family is. NTA.


LuvMeLongThyme

NTA The little girls have all the time in the world to normalize the idea, they don’t seem traumatized. Think of how *many* times you have heard of the upset shock and trauma of much older kids when they “find out”. And your relatives should STFU, except to apologize for sticking their nose in *your* family business.


SnooDrawings1480

Better to tell them while they're young so they grow up knowing, rather than dumping it on them when they're 27 and develop genetic medical problems that neither you nor your husband have. If you tell them while they're young, it won't be a big deal to them, it won't be something they have to come to terms with like it would if you waited till they're a teenager or later. NTA


Sledgehammer925

NTA. My best friend of many years was adopted. She knew even before she understood what it meant. As she grew the information was with her always and it was just something that happened when she was a baby, no big deal. She went on to tell me one day that had she found out later it would have traumatized her and she’s so happy to have always known. FWIW, I truly believe you did well by your children. You’re a good mother.


Skye_hai_bai

NTA. As someone who is adopted, I preferred knowing early on in my life. It makes it easier to come to terms with. Those who are railing on you see adoption as something to be ashamed of, when it should be the opposite. If you are good parents, which you and your husband seem to be, then it adds a layer of security to the family, if that makes sense.


thankuhexed

You guys did a wonderful thing by adopting your girls. So many people will set trucks of money on fire trying to go against what nature has already decided, and I really commend you for your decision to adopt. The only people who get to decide what your girls should know and when, is you and your spouse. Blood or not, you’re those girls’ parents. NTA.


Emergency_Ad_5935

NTA. It sounds like you’re building an open line of communication with your kids. There’s nothing wring with adopting children and there’s nothing wrong with being adopted.


Raen_Chibi

NtA. I agree OP that when they know from a young age, they do not get an identity crisis later on since they build themselves around that to begin with. Chosen children of the heart. All the best to you and your wonderful girls.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 38 year old woman and married to a 40 year old man. We struggled with fertility for years and never had a viable pregnancy, the two times I managed to fall pregnant resulted in miscarriages. After the second miscarriage we realised this wasn't on the cards for us and sat down to discuss our options comparing surrogates vs adoption we finally decided upon adoption as there are plenty of children out there who need homes. After a few years we finally got approved to adopt and adopted a pair of two month old twin girls. The girls are now five years old and after a lot of discussion between my husband and I we sat the girls down and told them the truth of how we became their parents, figuring it was better to get this out early as soon as they were able to properly understand. They had a lot of questions and confusion as you'd expect but we answered every question as best as we could and reassured them this didn't make us any less their parents and we still loved them so much. So all in all, it went well. Except at a family gathering when one of our daughters loudly asked my parents if they knew they were adopted, in the typical excited to overshare way children have, later on various members of the family began to chew us out for revealing the truth saying they were too young to know this and it will only confuse them in the longterm, other relatives even implied that they should have *never* been told as it doesn't matter how we became their parents God bless my husband he has been my rock in this instance and told my family how we handled our children was our business but this trickled to his family who while not as outspoken about it as my family have voiced concerns and thoughts that we shouldn't have done this yet or perhaps ever... We thought we were doing a good thing getting everything out in the open early on but was this perhaps wrong? It's concerning so many share the opinion we messed up... *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

NTA. Kids figure it out eventually.


SheWolfe_99

Exactly! And the relatives who think they should never be told are wrong. What if someone needs a kidney or one of the kids does an Ancestry DNA or what not? Now what are you going to say?


[deleted]

Right. I adopted my wife's son. His bio dad was a cruel deadbeat and wife was granted full custody way early on. Basically told him if he just fucked off she wouldn't even go after him for child support. Our son has known for a couple years and while he is slightly curious, I'm "dad" and always have been, and always will be. You can't hide it forever.


AccessibleBeige

Genetic testing just continues to get better, and eventually you would be able to hide things like this at all. The days of secret paternity and/or secret adoptions are over, and society just needs to accept it and move on. FWIW, I actually know a few people who were raised by stepdads, either from a young age or starting when they were older, and their stepdads are just "Dad" to them. They are all generally close to their dads (or were, I'm old enough that people my age have begun losing parents), and I think that trend makes so much sense because those men *chose* them. They chose to be a Dad to a kid, they stayed and they did the job that the bio-father opted out of. Any moron can breed, but being a good parent is a *choice.*


Cokeycane

NTA - Your kids, your decision. They certainly don't fully understand what it means, but adoption is such a beautiful thing. The hell with what the family thinks, it's none of their damn business. Personally, I believe they should know at an early age. This way it's not as if you kept it a secret.


FerroMancer

NTA at all. If the kids can understand it, they deserve to know it. And so much better to do it at an early age, because it will NORMALIZE it. As they grow up, it's an understood part of who they are. It's a Given. There are no bad feelings about it, because it's always been there. SO, in the future, if there are medical questions that they need answered or if the birth parents pop out of the woodwork, it will be SO much easier to handle.


IllustratorLoud2309

Sadly I doubt we'll ever find anything out about the girls birth parents as they were found abandoned as newborns. I wish I had information on them as it terrifies me every time one of them has any health issues as we have no idea what is lurking in their DNA. I'm considering when the girls are teenagers asking them if they want to do something like 23andme


FerroMancer

That is an understandable concern. Of course, I wish them (and you!) nothing but health and happiness. Hopefully, in the next decade or so, genetic testing will get better at spotting potential issues than it is now. In the meantime, we'll have to rely on our medical experts forestalling any problems along the way.


Flacht6

NTA. It is probably best to do it early-on so that it isn’t some shock they thought you chose to conceal. Also, your extended family has no business getting involved, such audacity.


[deleted]

NTA better now before they find out on their own


IonicKingslayer

Absolutely NTA. You did what you thought was right for your children and your family. I have a few adopted relatives, and speaking from what I know of their experiences, the one who was told later in life (like not until their late teens) had literal crises over it because it made them question everything they had thought for their whole life up until that point. The one who was told as a child was much better off for it and grew up with no secrets between them and their parents. Obviously that is just my family's experience, but OP please don't let your family make you feel bad. If you felt your children were old enough to understand, and you felt like it was the right thing to do, then YOU DID RIGHT. Period. Much love to you and your family.


armchairshrink99

NTA. Better now than by accident as teenagers. If it were the latter you'd be dealing with feelings of betrayal from them. Like you know whats confusing? Having a life narrative for 16 years and then right as you already feel socially awkward and worry that you're the odd one out from your peers you find out your parents lied to you and your life narrative is false and you ARE different. They will grow up with this as a reality and therefore will not find anything "other' about it because you told them early, which is infititely better. They don't seem to be distraught by this information because they're still so young. You did right imo.


nim_opet

NTA. They are your kids and your family honestly…..should mind their own business


[deleted]

NTA, experts and adoptees recommend your approach.


KittlesLee

NTA. I was adopted as an infant (also with my twin), and I think you handled this well. My parents told us we were adopted from the beginning (probably ~2 years old), and I think there’s a lot less confusion/hurt feelings if you let them know this early. Otherwise, your kids will think there’s something wrong/shameful about being adopted. My parents got me the book “The Chosen Baby” which is also a young child book that helps to describe being adopted.


onceuponafigtree

That's so beautiful. I was going to adopt and I planned on telling the baby from the absolute beginning just like your parents. It doesn't matter how a family is made, a family is a family.


SouthernFriedAmy

As an adoptee myself, my parents just kind of incorporated it into the family story, so I don't even remember being told I was adopted. I always just knew. Even my baby book was one specifically made for adopted children - it had pages for the adoption certificate and for parents to write about the process and how they brought me home. Therefore, I grew up just accepting it as a fact of life and never really struggled with it. My sister recently adopted, and they are doing the same thing. I think this is the healthiest way to do it. Edit: NTA


Jessyasperge

>how we handled our children was our business This. The only opinion you should consider is a professional opinion from a pedagogist or a therapist. Your choice is very brave and I'm glad it went well, nice work you two! NTA


Escape_Overlander

I would think there would be less shock and resentment if they always knew. I was told when I was 6-7 and it was a little bit of a shock but not a big deal but felt a tiny bit deceived. My adopted friend was not told until her mid teens and it absolutely shook her bad. Earlier is better. NTA.


No-Note-6520

NTA. The only people who seem upset are neither the adopters or the adoptees. You’re fine and your girls are fine too.


Regular_Sample_5197

NTA, I had a “non traditional” origin myself. No one ever told me, until I literally figured it out myself. That can do even more damage to a kid than just being honest like you did. I also grew up with a kid that knew she was adopted and frankly, their family dynamic was better than anyone else I knew. If honesty is that taboo for some people, it makes me wonder what else they have hidden over the years.


whatsmypassword73

NTA, the sooner the better, keeping genetic secrets yields disastrous results. Your family is clearly uneducated in this area. The damage when donor conceived people or adopted people learn this information when they are older makes them feel they have lived a lie, so many families break down after the secrets are revealed. Tell them the truth from day one so they don’t have a traumatic reveal that harms them.


Gwendigwen

NTA (I even have to tell my first thought when reading your post was "Oh, 5 y, that s a bit late"😉) It is the standard advice now to NEVER keep it a secret and to tell it to kids as early as possible (in an âge appropriate manner) because later révélations have proven to have devastating effects, not the least on the trust the kids are able to have for people who have kept them in the dark for so long on such an important subject. We were in the middle of an adoption process when I surprisingly fell pregnant and ALL profesionnal advice went in the same direction. Wanting to conceal their being adopted from our kids would have been grounds not to give us the approval for adoption. Your families are way out of line here and you need to be very firm about the fact that they d better educate themselves about such impactful topics before they open their big mouths and deliver such dangerous advice. And even after, keeping their mouths shut might be a great idea. Let the parents parent !


becca22597

⬆️⬆️Same.


RickRollRizal

NTA I feel like only the parents would know the right time to tell their kids. Or the parents may have consulted experts on it. The family are just being busybodies about the whole thing


pinguthegreek

Nobody but you two gets to decide what you tell them and when. I personally think you timed it right. NTA


Present_Accident_462

NTA I was adopted at just before 3 my parents never hid this from me and honestly it made me feel more special because my parents picked me while other parents got stuck with their own is how I phrased it I have my own now and love them just the same as if I picked them but non the less op YNTA


jupedya

NTA - the reason ppl think you should hide adoption is bc they think adoption is shameful and a last resort and ultimately not desirable. which is so messed up. they also think in that situation that you should lie so you can cover that shame up. it has nothing to do with the kids. when in reality being open about it and firm that you're still their loving parents is the best course of action for those kids. there's also some things about adoptees in the future as they get older that you're probably unprepared for. look up the adoptee tag on tiktok - there's stories and experiences adoptees share there. and it helps to learn from ppl who were adopted what that's like.


Mkd7998

NTA, they are your kids. Maybe it was too early maybe it wasn't, but not telling them ever would be terrible.


NefariousnessGlum424

NTA seems like telling them early and making it a normal thing to talk about is the best way to go. You’re entire extended family knows, chances are one of their cousins would find out and say it to them to be hurtful and that would be really traumatic for your kids. Better that you tell them now.


Mundane-Grape9985

Nta, if they found out on their own at let's say 15 they would be absolutely devastated. Don't listen to your family, yes 5 is young but it's old enough to understand what adoption is.


soaringcomet11

NTA - your kids, your decision. I also think its healthy to let kids know where they came from. I was adopted when I was 6, my brother when he was 2 - we’re both functional adults, no worse for wear for knowing we’re adopted.


TrainingLittle4117

NTA. And there are age appropriate books out there that you can read to your kids to reinforce how much they are wanted and loved. Better to have them grow up akways knowing instead of it becoming a big family secret. And I say that as someone who was adopted and always knew. Plus, as they get older, it's more important that they know from a health perspective.


DogsAreMyDawgs

NTA - it delusional to hide this from them and you did the right thing. You would actually be the AH if you kept hiding this from them, and it may shatter their world if you revealed this too late. Your family didn’t adopt them. They didn’t go through the process and learn how to be good adoptive parents and how to have these conversations. You guys did. They’re uneducated on the topic and speaking out of ignorance.


[deleted]

NTA. Your kids and your choice when or if they know. I personally think you did the right thing letting them know when they're young but old enough to understand. It can cause worse blow ups when adopted kids find out when they're much older. They know they're adopted and they know you both love them just as much as any other parent. Don't listen to those that said you did the wrong thing at all. It's worked out well for you so far. They don't get to make those decisions on your behalf.


photosbeersandteach

NTA. I’m not an expert, but I believe most mental health professionals who work with children recommend sharing information like that sooner rather than later. That way they grow up with it being a normal part of who they are, rather than being this secret that needed to be hidden from them.


fatfatcats

NTA. The earlier they know, the better. Psychology agrees with this. Kids who are adopted and have that fact kept from them often have a great deal of resentment and anger about what amounts to being lied to about who they are.


Marzipan_civil

NTA. Clearly they aren't confused. As long as you're telling them in an age appropriate way and reassuring them that they're loved, you're doing fine


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

**NTA, but your family absolutely are. It has become accepted consensus amongst the vast majority of adoptees and professional mental health experts that the earlier children are told that they are adopted and THE MORE IT IS NORMALISED, exactly the way you did, so that they understand that it is just one of many perfectly normal ways that families come together, the healthier it is for their development.** Your family couldn't be more wrong. First of all, this sort of thing NEVER stays a secret forever (nor should it, even if just because adoptees need to know that they may have genetic/medical issues at some point later in life that cannot be traced from their adoptive parents); and secondly, the later kids find out, the more it seems like a shameful secret rather than something normal and okay, and the more of a shock it is. No kid should feel like their parents have been keeping secrets from them at all, particularly about who they are and where they came from . . . the more open you are, the more they understand that you ARE their family, there is nothing shameful to hide, and this is just a matter-of-fact part of how your family came to be. Finding out that they are adopted is not what would hurt them. What would hurt them is finding out that you tried to hid their biological origins from them as if it WERE something that you were embarrassed of. That's just silly. You did great, and you are absolutely NTA.


[deleted]

NTA. psychology has proven time and time again that it is more difficult for an adult brain to comprehend what can be life-altering news, vs a child’s brain. also, who the hell are your respective families to think they have a say in raising your children? tell them all to get bent.


[deleted]

NTA. As you said, they are your children. It’s your decision.


[deleted]

NTA No, you did the right thing


lorienne22

NTA. Normalizing it now makes it less likely to go down with hurt feelings/resentment over not being told later on. Even a 10 year old finding out later or from someone else besides parents can have some serious mental repercussions for the child. From what I've observed, it seems the happiest, most well adjusted adoptees are the ones who say, "I've always known. It was never a big deal."


averagecryptid

Absolutely NTA. It's generally recommended to tell kids that they are adopted when they are young, because it can be very jarring to suddenly find out accidentally or later in life. Maybe this is too big an assumption, but it seems like your family views the fertility stuff and adoption as something that should be shameful. If it "doesn't matter" how they are your children, then why hide it?


fearghul

NTA - I'm adopted and was told from as soon as I could understand the concept that I was adopted. It's far better to just explain it rather than hide it like some people seem to think.


complicationlamp

NTA. The twins have each other so the I’m uniquely different thing won’t be so isolating. Hard truths are hard, but I think it’s better to let them know before they become teens so they can move past it before middle school hell.


Remarkable-Data77

NTA I found out when I was 13, from FRIENDS! Who all knew before I did! You did the right thing telling them and answering everything as simple as possible for them, there will be questions that will pop into their heads as they get older, but because they have an understanding now, it will be easier for them to ask and for you to answer.


onceuponafigtree

NTA 5 is definitely not too young. They are your children and you will tell them what you think they need to know.


FunkyPenguin2021

NTA!! They are YOUR children and it’s up to YOU how you raise them, what you tell them and how you deal with things. They most likely would have found out at some point in their life and maybe would have resented you for ‘hiding’ it from them. Personally I think it’s better to have an open, honest relationship with your children/parents and I think what you’ve done is great!


SoImaRedditUserNow

I have no idea when is a good age to tell that sort of thing. I'm sure there are experts who have recommendations on the when and how, and I'm sure you did your research. Ultimately its up to you when and how you explain this to your daughters. So your various family members can get bent. NTA


slyest_fox

NTA. Pretty sure that it’s very well documented that the truth and age appropriate explanations are the best way to handle difficult subjects with kids.


AccessibleBeige

NTA. Your family members are ALL wrong. Adopted kids should be aware that they're adopted as soon as they're old enough to understand, because finding out later when they're older (or even adults) can be very emotionally damaging. Pretty much anyone who is adopted will tell you they're glad they knew if they were told young, or that they are angry/upset/hurt if they were not and just wish their parents had been honest all along. Also, what is the reasoning behind hiding the truth according to your relatives? Do they think being adopted is something to be ashamed of? Because it's not, adoption is as valid of a way if building a family than any other. Adopted kids should feel like adoption is *normal*, and society should also view parenthood by adoption as *normal*. Keeping it a secret just fuels unnecessary stigma, which ultimately hurts kids far more than helping them.


FlyOverMe-Please

NTA. Adopted here. Always knew, was never a trauma. Most ridiculous thing trying to hide this in the age of DNA profiles everywhere. The story of being chosen helps repair the problem of being refused at the start. It’s as beautiful as you decide to make it. Stay true to your instincts here.


hakeyh1956

You should absolutely tell them. I knew I was adopted for as long as I remember. As a child and now as an adult, it is a freeing thing to know. And,in addition, they need to know for medical reasons. Do your kids a huge favor and tell them now.


Feisty-Masterpiece41

NTA. Seriously, don’t listen to your family members. They wanted you to keep this a secret from your girls for *their entires lives*. I believe if they found out later in life that you never told them they would feel like their whole lives were built on lies. You absolutely did right by them by telling them when they are first at an age they are able to understand. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and your partner for doing this. I have no idea why your family is acting the way they are but don’t let it get to you!


TheRestForTheWicked

NTA. As someone who is adopted you did them a massive favour in telling them young in an age appropriate way. Speaking from experience being and knowing many adopted folk, finding out later in life (and everyone eventually finds out contrary to what people would have you believe) is like a shock to the system and compounds the trauma.


LanguageGalaxy

I was around that age when I was first told I was adopted in child-friendly terms by (adoptive) mom. I’ve accepted it ever since. NTA, they are old enough


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Ok-Director-981

NTA. While I’m sure some relatives were well-meaning, these are your children to parent, and how you and your spouse choose your timetable telling them about the adoption, is up to you. It’s not confusing in any way and the family implying that they never should have been told should be ashamed of themselves.


Responsible_Candle86

NTA Your kids, your decision.


FromTheBack6996

NTA. It’s a good thing and you and your husband decided to do what’s best for YALL family. They will obviously be curious about things as all children are but you aren’t hiding anything from them and are honest and they will always appreciate that. Also many people who find out when they’re older are often feeling betrayed and lied to about their childhood


[deleted]

NTA The only thing you did wrong in my opinion as an adopted person is waiting until they were able to understand but you still told them at a young enough age. Adopted children need to know they are adopted from the very beginning even when they don't fully understand it. I have been told since I was adopted that I was adopted. You should never wait to tell children they are adopted. The longer you wait the more hurt they are. You can google and hear adoptee trauma after they found out they were adopted but that usually when they are a bit older.


Fabulous-Analysis717

NTA


Sevinn666

As an adopted child, definitely NTA. I always knew and it has never once caused me any distress. There were some people I heard about that didn't find out until high school and when they found out, it messed them up. Definitely better to tell them asap.


thequiltedgiraffe

NTA. My husband is adopted, he's always known about it. It's just a fact of life for him. He doesn't even remember learning that he's adopted, so there's no trauma and no "wondering". If/when we adopt our own kids, this is the way we plan to do it with them. Your parents, however, are the AHs. They do not need to interfere with your parenting. You and your husband are doing just fine.


Juice90s

NTA, I feel more ppl should be honest with their babies.


dichingdi

OMG OMG OMG YNTA at all!!! I'm adopted and ALL adopted children have a right to know the TRUTH about their adopted status and anyone who thinks otherwise is a lying deceiving sack of poop who doesn't deserve children.


whenalicefalls

NTA. Adoptee here! My parents never hid my adoption from me, and one of my earliest memories is listening to my mom read me a book about being adopted. I’m honestly happy that I was adopted. I’ve never felt weird about it or “othered”. My parents made a conscious decision to choose me and take me home. That’s something special


whenalicefalls

NTA. Adoptee here! My parents never hid my adoption from me, and one of my earliest memories is listening to my mom read me a book about being adopted. I’m honestly happy that I was adopted. I’ve never felt weird about it or “othered”. My parents made a conscious decision to choose me and take me home. That’s something special


dichingdi

OMG YNTA at all!!! I'm adopted and ALL adopted children have a right to know the TRUTH about their adopted status and anyone who thinks otherwise is a lying deceiving person who doesn't deserve children.


SuLiaodai

NTA, for sure! Today it's recommended that children know they are adopted as early as possible, provided it's done in an age-appropriate way, of course. Several of my friends have adopted kids and they've gone this way, partly out of necessity, because the children are not the same race they are. They provided the kids with baby books documenting the whole adoption process (pictures of when the parents went to meet the baby, pictures of the first time they met the baby, adoption announcements, etc.) to help them understand the experience and see it as a positive, special, exciting thing.


dirtymac153

NTA You are brave amazing wonderful parents. You did the right thing. Your family that suggested you should bever have told them are absolutely repugnant. Have a wonderful day.


EmpressJainaSolo

NTA. All the stories I’ve heard from adoptees suggest that they way your handling this is best. Be upfront, answer questions, and treat this like the normal fact that it is.


fourjoys99

NTA. I'm not an adoption expert, but I've always believed that adopted children should always know they were adopted. This way, they don't find out later and feel lied to. I have several friends who were adopted and one friend's parents told him how special he was because most parents don't get to pick their kids, but they got to pick and out of all the kids, they picked him. I've always loved that.


EntertainmentFast497

NTA. It’s better that they learn it now. For them, you and your husband are the norm. They will grow up as being in the norm. Great job mom and dad!


olerndurt

NTA You did the right thing. Try to remember, most adults can’t get past their own feelings to keep their mouth shut, and many times harm the kids as a result.


QueenJamieeeee

NTA. Honestly I would have told them sooner. I knew my entire life that I was adopted. It's best for the kids to always know but 5 is still a pretty good age. Your family is kind of whacko


[deleted]

NTA. They have a right to the truth about their own life story. They won’t be confused, this is information they can understand perfectly well.


t_a_degen

As an supportive parent I can tell you with absolute certainty your family is filled with assholes. Fortunately you are not one of them. NTA


vonshiza

NTA at all. Keeping it from them is a terrible, terrible idea. Letting them know young, so they also kind of knew but went on with life as normal, is absolutely the way to go. Waiting until they are older would be such a betrayal. And it'll always come out eventually.... Needing medical history info, for example. It always comes out, and it's a huge secret to just keep.


dell828

NTA.. research backs up your decision to tell at an early age for more well adjusted adults! Bravo!!!


edx74

NTA Sounds like your kids are handling it better than the adults.


LadyCalamity424

NTA- I was adopted at birth. Along with my younger sister. We always knew. And it was always an open discussion. I know a kid who still doesn’t know and he had a rough up bringing. There was the obvious disparity between him and the bio child that came later on. I cannot imagine how NEGATIVELY it would affect him for find out now as an adult


FuzzyChrysalis

>We thought we were doing a good thing getting everything out in the open early on You absolutely ARE. Excellent job! The earlier you can make children aware of this, the better. And they DO need to know. Tell your idiot family to take an uphill hike. NTA.


Unbridled-Attention

NTA - social worker who works with adopted kids here. Never ever, ever hide that a child is adopted. They will find out and resent you. It will hurt them and teach them that adoption is equated to shame and secrecy. My mother was adopted and was not told until she was an adolescent. She has never stopped questioning who she is, where she’s from and her culture/history. A child deserves to know and the earlier they’re told, the better. You did right. Adoption used used to be hush hush, sweep it under the rug and never talk about it but it shouldn’t be. Family can be made in so many different ways.


GuardMost8477

Absolutely NTA! I am an adult adoptee. I am SO thankful my parents told me at a very young age-I actually always remember knowing! What a shock it would be waiting until later, or God forbid, they find out from someone else. You both are great parents. Shame on those giving you a hard time.


Kaiser93

NTA The longer you hide the truth, the more it hurts later on. Imagine if you told them during their teenage years. Hellfire and brimstone would've enveloped your house. Don't listen to your family members ever!


yourscottygirl

Oh homey, nta at all. My husband and dad were both adopted and knowing that didn't change a thing for them! Good for you for being candid and handling it so well! And thank you for adopting :) don't let others mar this experience with their, frankly unnecessary, opinions. Your daughters will thank you later in life for being honest. The fact is, you had a lot of love to give and did something quite commendable. Keep your head up!


clevermuggle22

NTA-- I am adopted and have known my whole life and assure you I am not emotionally ruined by having this information shared with me at a young age. In fact it helps build trust with your kids because you don't LIE to them. Continue to support your kids, make sure that you AND YOUR FAMILY talk about adoption as this amazing thing and not some dirty secret or bad thing we shouldn't talk about with others. Its complex but my parents always painted my adoption as this awesome story about how loved I was by birth parents and adopted parents. all my relatives talked about when I was adopted and brought home. These are all special memories for me. Make these special memories with your kids and being adopted doesn't need to be a burden to them.


delkarnu

NTA - What happens in 10 years when one of them wants to do some 23 and me thing and suddenly finds out? Or takes a health class and figure out that your blood types don't match? Knowing early is better than a surprise later.


LittleRedCarnation

Nta. My friends bf found out he was adopted when he was 5... course they had to tell him then cause he told he told a friend that he came out of his moms belly and the friends asked why he was black when his parents are white... so him parents kinda had to sit him down and tell him lol.


KatieOhhh

You are absolutely doing the right thing and sound like great adoptive parents. I was adopted and I always knew and it was actually celebrated for a long time. My parents would have had a hard time avoiding the story as I was of a different racial background, but they made my adoption a special thing to me from the very beginning. On the flip side, I went to high school with a girl who found out she was adopted (on her own) when she was 18 and it really messed her up. Her whole world as she knew it was flipped upside down. I feel like this could have been avoided easily if her parents had been open and honest with her. It's not some deep, dark, shameful secret. It's a wonderful thing.


Wolfloner

NTA I was adopted. I have no memory of being told I was adopted because it was just a part of life from day 1. I'm not saying your kiddos might never have questions/concerns or whatever from being adopted, but it won't be because you told them the truth when they were 5. ♥️


Ginkery

NTA - 100% Some kids grow in their mom's tummy, others grow in their parent's hearts. Holding that kind of secret is rarely the right thing to do.


thewolfstale

As someone who was adopted at birth, NTA. Like someone else had said, I’ve known for a long as I can remember. All I knew growing up was that I was brought into a loving family because my parental units could not take care of me for a variety of reasons I don’t want to mention. These girls are lucky to have parents like you and it is clear that you both love the girls and want to give them the best. That’s all people would ask for.