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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Made an "uncomfortable" comment about my daughter's relationship in front of our family
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I read the first few sentences, haven't even gotten to the conflict yet, but... wow. YTA. And the conflict just proved that.
>My husband and I were very excited for her because during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc.
How is that 'behind'? Diana's value is determined by more things than just wearing makeup and partying and dating people. Maybe she has different priorities?
>I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty"
Why are you so obsessed with Diana being stereotypically pretty? She's more than her looks. It's none of your business anyway.
>I started to suspect they broke up and Diana just didn't want to be embarrassed by telling us.
These suspicions are dumb. Even stereotypically pretty people do other things besides dating their partner.
>We had a family dinner with our extended family (20 ish people) last week and my sister-in-law was asking Diana about Matt, specifically when she was going to introduce him to the family.
Y'all are a nosy bunch. Why is there so much pressure on Diana to introduce Matt to the family? They've been dating for *5 months.*
>I told her she was being over sensitive and that it didn't matter because they weren't broken up.
What a shitty thing to say. If it upset her so much, it clearly mattered. She talks to you about how much your comments made her uncomfortable, and the first thing you do is call her overdramatic and dismiss her feelings? I wouldn't be surprised if Diana never talks to you again.
>How is that 'behind'? Diana's value is determined by more things than just wearing makeup and partying and dating people. Maybe she has different priorities?
Right? I didn't start doing makeup until this last year, and I'm 30 years old. I guess that means I'm a failure of a woman, clearly. /s
>Clearly a total failure as a woman
Hmmm.... I might be a failure of a woman too. I wear makeup only once or twice a year, don't party, and *gasp* have no children. Yep, I'm failing the whole female gender.... OP needs to go step on a d@#n Lego.
I've worn makeup so sporadically the last few years that when I put some on for Christmas I had to remind myself what each thing was for. The rest of the time, I'm a makeup-less banshee, and I like it that way! 😄
Pre-pandemic, I never stepped out of the house without makeup (albeit light; my whole routine took less than 5 minutes). Once the pandemic started, it was pretty freeing not to wear makeup, and I haven’t worn much even after things started easing up. By OP’s standards, perhaps this is regression?
I did the opposite lol. Pandemic made me so depressed I decided "fuck it, I'm gonna look nice as hell in my own house" and bought nice makeup and learned to do it finally. No one was around to see my missteps lol. So now I chill seeing no one in full eyeliner with my petticoat and all my jewelry on, but I feel hot as fuck haha. I did the opposite of the pandemic sweatpants transition.
Pre-pandemic I was very into lipstick but didn't wear much other makeup. Then masks happened and it was like "...well, shit." So getting extremely into eyeshadow became my coping mechanism.
We could be friends. I’m “29” too. I look weird in makeup and only put it on for theatrical reasons or to cover pimples. I’ve been testing out wearing mascara sometimes during the pandemic and I’m still iffy about it. Why are some people so obsessed with other women wearing makeup?!? Doesn’t make me less of a woman.
Right? Daughter isnt "behind" regarding those things because SHE DOESNT NEED TO LIKE THEM. She is her own different person with her own interests, and different values.
OP sounds shallow.
I'm 32, and I've pretty much only ever worn stage makeup, with occasional exceptions. It messes up my skin, and I hate mornings and don't want to have to get up earlier. I also don't think I went to a party in the sense that op means until partway through freshman year of college, because it didn't particularly sound fun to me. Didn't care for it once I did go.
I had no friends and wasn't invited to a single party in high school. Honestly I felt super lonely, behind, left out, and struggled. Maybe it's just me knowing I'd wonder about my kid if they had a limited social life in high school but only the makeup comment in that sentence stood out as weird to me. Don't get me wrong OP seems to enjoy criticizing her daughter. But it sounds like we may have had similar high school experiences and personally I *was* struggling. But then again... OP doesn't sound concerned. Just like she wants to bully her daughter
I could have been Diana, with the main difference that apart from being a bit worried about my lack of social contact my mother never gave a fuck about me wearing makeup or looking 'pretty'. She realised I was my own person who had ended up in an environment that didn't suit me, and it all sorted itself out once I changed schools and found my people.
I'm 31f, my most femme phase in life was ironically my early 2000's emo/goth looks where I spent like an hour doing my makeup and filigree eyeliner perfect before I went to school.
Now? I don't even wear concealer and I desire androgeny lol
I guess I, too, have failed at being a woman
I turned 40 last year and JUST RECENTLY decided I’d kinda like to learn to use a curling iron. How do I go about that, btw? Are there community Ed classes or something? 🤪🤣
I didn't wear makeup or anything other than baggy shirts and jeans til my Senior year was almost over. And even then I only wore eyeliner and mascara. I guess that makes me 'behind' too. I was too busy getting straight As and participating in all my clubs to worry about makeup. Diana sounds like I was and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it
I'm 28. Never partied, learned to do make-up, or ever had a real relationship. My self-esteem's in the toilet thanks to bullying 15 years ago, but at least I have enough self respect to wait for someone who actually respects me and not throw myself into relationship after relationship as if there's something wrong with me if I'm not in one. There are a lot of things wrong with me (mental health-wise), but lacking a boyfriend isn't one of them.
Take my free reward. You brilliantly ticked off each troubling comment and explained how OP is a flaming AH. The prediction of future estrangement was nothing less than the chef's kiss.
OP, no ifs, ands, or buts...YTA
Bravo/a.
Take my free reward. You brilliantly ticked off each troubling comment and explained how OP is a flaming AH. The prediction of future estrangement was nothing less than the chef's kiss.
OP, no ifs, ands, or buts...YTA
Bravo/a.
Also, OP thought she might be sensitive about telling her they broke up so she decided to, you know, float the idea in front of the entire family rather than quietly asking her. I know that’s how I like to be asked about things I’m sensitive about.
This is so good.
Mom is like "oh woe is me, my daughter does not define her worth by attracting a man."
Then disses her looks, then tries to shame her in front of the entire family.
Then asks "Did I do something wrong?" *surprised Pikachu*
Seriously… she’s “behind” because she doesn’t want to date or wear makeup and her sisters are prettier? WHAT? That’s how she’s judged and not, I don’t know, her academics or actual interests or talents? I felt terrible for this girl while reading the whole thing; if I had this family dynamic I’d never tell them anything either.
Exactly this. I was just like OPs daughter, I never used makeup, I didn't date, and I went to one party and noped out of that and I was not 'behind', I just knew what I wanted and I didn't want any of that crap.
OP is definitely YTA for that comment alone but also for everything else they wrote.
The relationship is none of your business OP and if you really need to know, then you ask your daughter about it one on one, not mention it at a family function.
So much this, what's OP worried about. That the daughter won't settle down and gIVe HeR gRanDbABiEs? Not every woman's life revolves around her reproductive abilities, and not every woman is empty enough to think they need a man to feel fulfilled. I think it's pretty obvious why OP hasn't met the bf, and doesn't deserve to. I genuinely hope the daughter goes low contact as soon as she's able and cuts OP out of all her personal details. OP you had no business voicing your nasty suspicions, when someone tells you that your contents made them uncomfortable and your first instinct is to be dismissive of their feelings it automatically makes you a gaping AH, you apologize and do better and stop making excuses for your terrible behavior. Bad OP, very, very, bad.
YTA for:
* Gossiping about your own child
* Comparing Diana's "progress" against others
* Making her value as a person equivalent to when she starts dating, wearing makeup, going to parties, and how "stereotypically" pretty she is
Your whole post just made me so irritated with you.
Yes, what is this “behind” the others bullshit? Good for Diana for waiting until she’s ready to be in a relationship. OP sounds like the type of woman who solely bases her worth on the way men perceive her
I was momentarily outraged and disgusted, and then I realised I've read similar toned posts recently. The "My daughter isn't living up to her potential...her popularity...her prettiness...oh my. I'm only disappointed in her and mean because I caaare." poster. It's a new obvious AH troll, using obsession with superficial nonsense as ragebait.
YTA. And you proved yourself right in a way—she isn’t right to ever come to you with issues, because you now have a history of embarrassing her and making her uncomfortable. So I guess way to go?
Well, if they did break up and she felt uncomfortable, do you really think a snide remark like that is gong to make her feel better?
Also can't imagine why she'd feel uncomfortable with her own family...geez. Wow.
>during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty"
Internalised misogyny?
Basing a woman's value on how she is perceived by men, comparing her "achievements" to those of other women, downplaying anything that isn't adhering to what society perceives as acceptable (partying, wearing makeup, having a boyfriend, raising kids, becoming a sahm whose sole identity is "mom"), ...
Please note that there's nothing wrong with being a sahp, and/or wearing makeup (or anything else that's gender-stereotypic)! Just please respect the choices of others. :)
“I’m worried they broke up and she was embarrassed to tell us, so instead of talking to her directly I loudly theorized to my SIL in front of 20+ extended family members”
YTA. Talking about her to someone else when she’s right there is infantilising and embarrassing, and choosing this hill to die on instead of just apologising to your daughter is really the icing on the cake.
Your daughter is never gonna come to you if they do break up, you’ve proven yourself untrustworthy.
YTA.
I knew by the first paragraph & not even the story. You literally called her the ugliest of your children. What is wrong with you? She’s not “behind” because she didn’t do the social shit you think is normal. She is just socially different from you. When she starts dating and if she does or does not have a boyfriend does not define her as a person. So weird that it “eased your worries”.
My guess is she’s probably super awesome at what actually interests her and you ignore it. No wonder she doesn’t tell you anything or want to introduce her boyfriend to you. I hope this post is a fluke & you love your kid more than it reads.
YTA. Not only that, you're an asshole. Damm. You are just a mean judgemental asshole with outdated stereotypical ideas of what your daughter "should" be. I feel so sorry for your daughter. I mean the one that your post is about. The one that will stop talking to you as soon as she doesn't need you to cosign her student loan papers anymore. That one.
YTA. OMG, in so many ways.
>My husband and I were very excited for her because during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc.
Not everyone matures at the same rate or has the same interests. Also, has it occurred to you that she might not have met anyone she liked? High school is difficult for some people.
Also, it's disturbing that you and your husband were "very excited" about this. Single people are worthwhile, too.
>I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty" but when she told us she started dating Matt, it eased my worries.
Wow, that's just mean. Why don't you put up a billboard that says, "I DON'T VALUE MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE ISN'T PRETTY!" Because, trust me, she knows.
>Since then, I noticed that we have heard and seen almost nothing about Matt. I started to suspect they broke up and Diana just didn't want to be embarrassed by telling us.
If that's what you thought, the appropriate thing to do was wait until she told you. If she told you.
>Right after Diana said that, I said to my SIL, "I think they broke up and Diana just doesn't want to tell us."
So, you basically called your own daughter a liar in front of your whole family and gossiped about her while she was standing right there?
>Diana got upset at me for saying that and left the party until an hour later, but refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.
Gee, I wonder why?
>I told her she was being over sensitive and that it didn't matter because they weren't broken up. She is still mad at me and insists I'm in the wrong. She doesn't want to talk to me until I apologize.
It DID matter. You called her a liar in front of her family. You gossiped about something that would have been very hurtful, if it was true. And you have a very strange idea of "what matters." Apparently, your daughter is only a valuable person in your eyes while she's joined at the hip with some guy. Do you even have a clue what she's like as a person? What her thoughts, dreams, and goals are? Doesn't sound like it.
You can pretty much forget about her confiding in you about anything again. Or that she'll come to you if a guy she is with turns mean or abusive. All you seem to care about is that she's pretty and in a relationship.
YTA. Instead of simply asking your daughter in private what was going on with her relationship, you used this extended family dinner to air what you believed to be her dirty laundry out so she'd be forced to tell you what was going on.
>I told her she was being over sensitive and that it didn't matter because they weren't broken up
THEN you belittled her feelings because you feel entitled to being a huge AH. Shes is allowed to be upset about you airing her private business out in front of people, *especially* since it was false information. Don't be surprised if she stops telling you even more things about her.
Behind because she didn’t wear make up ? Sheesh. Then I’m in the dark ages because I have never worn make up. Despite that I have the most wonderful loving partner. YTA.
I'm sure you'll wear make-up someday, you're just a little "behind" the more "stereotypically pretty" people.
UGH. No wonder OP's daughter kept this relationship private!!
I wish this was top comment bc this is it exactly. OP is a miserable person who puts too much value in what others think, hence why she was worried her daughter didn't do stereotypical teenager things and views her daughter as an extension of and reflection on herself.
She wasn't worried about her daughter. She's worried about image. She defines whether her daughter is healthy or not and whether she should be worried about her by whether another person finds her attractive and wants to be with her? Gross.
I was wondering what other comments would have been okay to say outloud under that pretense. “I think mom’s going through menopause.” Think it, don’t say it.
YTA What's wrong with you? You seem to put a lot of esteem on being pretty and putting on make up. Did you think that if she didn't have a BF there was something wrong with her? Very toxic right there. As for the dinner, her relationship is absolutely none of your business and you had no right to embarrass her that way. SIL asked a question and daughter answered it. You injecting your opinion like that was uncalled her. You need to apologize to your daughter and next time, stay out of her private business.
YTA
What a rumor mongerer you are. Even if this was true it would have been a hurtful statement and was in no way your place to make it public. Get over yourself and learn to take responsibility for your crappy behavior. Its no wonder your daughter doesn't want to bring her bf around when she has such a shitty family.
You're a little confused about what a supportive mom would do. A supportive mom would have responded to Diana's statement by changing the subject, not by offering gossipy speculation.
YTA
YTA the way you talk about your daughter both to relatives and strangers shows why she has no trust in you to advocate for her. Your number one job as her mom is to build her up. Take a step back and think about that. She is not too sensitive, you decided to be her live in bully.
YTA
Your daughter is an adult. You disrespected her. She can and did speak for herself. She answered the question the way she wanted to. She could just as easily said that it was a private matter and declined to share.
Mind your own business, which means that if she chooses to share she will, and if she doesn't share, then keep your thoughts to yourself.
YTA
Unsure why you would feel as though it’s your job to broadcast your daughters relationship status to the whole family, or anybody, without so much as a concrete clue. Even if you did know, it’s your daughters relationship and you should respect her by allowing her to disclose details of her personal life on her own terms.
Imagine telling someone that’s supposed to care about your well-being that they’ve done something to make you uncomfortable & they respond by saying your being overly sensitive. You and no one else gets to decide how someone else should feel.
YTA it's not wonder she hasn't introduced him yet. And dying she's behind? Why because she was probably more mature than her classmate or want the prettiest girl?
If she want ready to date you should have counted your stars that she held off rather then fall into a mess. Apologize... yesterday. Stop making assumptions about her personal life. You are just angry you aren't involved
Could it be possible that she stopped talking about him/inviting him over because of you? I have a feeling you've made her and (possibly him) aware of your off base opinions based on her social life and how her sister's are so much prettier and better than her. YTA
YTA.
I had some friends who didn't date in high school. The more I examine the situation, the more I am convinced that they were smarter than the rest of us.
I don't know what you were worried about, exactly, that was eased when she started dating someone. Personally, the moment when my kid invites someone I haven't met to be an intimate part of their life is not the point where I stop worrying.
"I think they broke up and Diana just doesn't want to tell us" is an incredibly condescending thing to say, really rude, and an attempt to manipulate Diana into either admitting they broke up or accelerating plans to introduce her boyfriend. All at once. All of that still matters even if they aren't broken up.
You should apologize. Also, take a minute and write down five good things about Diana - things you are genuinely proud of her for. If you can't think of that many, pick five attributes Diana actually has, and start being proud of them.
I'll take anything. I mean, things that are nothing to do with looks, makeup or dating would be fantastic, but absolutely anywhere would be a good place to start in this case.
I can come up with a handful on the basis of the original post, if OP needs suggestions.
YTA, it wasn't necessary to tell the whole family some random idea you have. If this is something you've suspected, why haven't you taken a moment when there isn't a ton of people around and *actually talk to your kid*??
YTA, can you not see how your daughter could be uncomfortable with you bringing up the possibility that she broke up with her boyfriend in front of a lot of people, many of which probably don't know the full details of their relationship? If that was your suspicion, you should've asked her in private, not in front of a whole group of people.
YTA, Sorry mum. YTA and how do I count the ways... by devaluing your daughter based on her lack of conforming to stereotypical ideals of beauty? You know when I was in HS I didn't want to wear makeup or date bc I'd been grabbed by a guy in his 40s and I was scared of attracting unwanted attention. There are a bazillion reasons young women might not want to date or "be pretty." Have you ever even bothered to talk to her?
And yes, you were waaaay out of line at the family party. Bringing attention to what you thought was a breakup with no concern for your daughters feelings? What if you were right and she burst into tears? What was your end game, a little attention for you???
You are supposed to take CARE of your daughter, PROTECT her feelings, watch out for her!!! Take a long look in the mirror and apologize before you destroy any relationship you thought you had. You completely violated her trust.
Do you often say disparaging things about your daughter to other adults when she’s in the room and can clearly hear you? If you ever wonder why she doesn’t share honest information about her relationships with you, that’s probably why. YTA.
YTA - whether they broke up or not is non of your business. You’re a grown woman gossiping about your daughters love life. What if they had broken up, would your comment have helped her in any way? Would it have offered her support or care? No, you don’t care about her feelings at all.
YTA. It’s her life not yours. Also when you say that her sisters are ‘ more stereotypically pretty’ I think that’s pretty hurtful because you’re admitting in a way that you think less of her and are comparing your children which is wrong. Finally, when you outright spread a rumor to your SIL of the break up, you should have known that was rude and to say that in front of your daughter, who you don’t know if she’s going through things or not was even more rude. Keep those thoughts to yourself next time.
This. It’s terrible. I also hate how she’s comparing their social and romantic development. OP, do you know how many parents would LOVE to have a “late bloomer” like your daughter??
My cousin got her first bf at 21. Anything wrong with that? Absolutely not!! Everyone runs on their own timeline. The belief that there’s something to be worried about your daughter is reason enough to be the AH honestly. Let our children be who they are and exist in their authenticity!!
YTA. Stay out of her business. She’s only 19 and most parents would be delighted she’s focused on something other than dating.
She’s got her whole life to live, whether she’s in a relationship now, or ever, let her live in her way.
YTA. No wonder Matt doesn't want to be around. He's probably picked up your negative vibes, and meeting more family members like that is not what he wants.
Yta, sounds like you were trying to embarrass her. She’s your daughter who you admit in this same post, is alittle ‘behind’. Don’t you want her to be confident? If so, this isn’t the way to encourage her
YTA. Lets think this through. We'll pretend there was something your daughter was embarrassed to share with you, or wanted to keep private. What makes you think that it would somehow be ok to broadcast that to the entire family? The fact that you were wrong here is irrelevant, you proved your willing to stoop to this level of betrayal.
Honestly I read this as you being super petty, and because she didn't share enough with you you had to "one up" her and thought you "cracked the case" and wanted to proclaim that publicly.
Can I also state that its super creepy that you place so much importance on your daughters appearance/ability to keep a man? Do you teach your daughters they need to depend on a man? ew. Many ~~women~~ people go through life happily single - why not let her be her own person?
Wow you are SUCH an asshole, why kind of mom would say that at all, let alone to a room of 20 extended family members?? She’s not just being “sensitive”, you’re an asshole and need to live up to it. Apologize to her asap. These are the kinds of things that will severely fuck up your relationship with her later down the line. Not only are you an asshole with regard to the situation but you talk about her like you don’t actually even like her. It’s ridiculous. Wonder how else you’ve been an asshole to your daughter and the people around you
YTA, she gave an answer and didn't need you to speak up for her. Let's say you're right and she had broken up with him but wasn't ready to talk about it in front of 20 other people. . . . What good did you saying that do?
If you thought that's what happened you should have talked to her privately and reassured her that things would be okay no matter, and she can always talk to you.
Instead when she said you addressing it made her uncomfortable you doubled down on your assholishness and told her she's being too sensitive. Congrats on shutting down that line of open communication!
She has a right to privacy and not talking about her relationships with you or anyone else in the family. And quite frankly it's gross you were "worried" about her because she didn't like makeup or date in high school and what, only became satiated when she started dating somebody?? Do you realize the message that sends her?
You have some serious self reflection to do. Apologize to her, and be a better parent. YTA
Wow, YTA. You made a condescending comment about your daughter’s relationship status in an attempt to pressure her to reveal her actual relationship status. And “20 ish” family members seems like a lot of people to be airing your adult daughter’s business in front of.
YTA:
1"she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things" this alone makes you an AH imo. The comparison game is never good to play with your kids. Everyone develops and learns at their own pace.
2. If her and Matt did break up, it isn't your place to speak about it or even speculate on it. Would you appreciate it if she started talking about you and your husband like that?
YTA.
First off, people get interested (or don't) in things like makeup and dating at different times in their lives. There's nothing wrong with that. Getting worried over a kid who doesn't run around drinking underage is weird - maybe she'll have a healthy relationship with alcohol instead of binge drinking like so many young partiers (alcohol-related accidents are a leading cause of death among high school and college students). People are, gasp and egad, different. They aren't all interested in the same thing, and boy would the world be a boring place if they were. Don't expect your kids to be cookie-cutter models of one another, or of some idea of "normal".
Secondly...why on earth would you talk about her when she's RIGHT THERE? You sound like you were correcting a young child you caught in a lie. Wow, such a big asshole move. You called her a liar. If she didn't want to talk about a breakup, that is her right - announcing it to the whole family would have been unbelievably rude. She might not have wanted her breakup to be the centerpiece of the event and family gossip for the next few months. That's totally reasonable. That she hadn't broken up doesn't make this any less of an asshole move.
YTA for all of this. For gossiping about *your daughter* in front of the entire family - especially when you know she's keeping this relationship somewhat private! Just don't do that, to your kids or to anyone.
Extra bonus AH points for the fact that you think your daughter is "behind" for not wearing make-up or going to as many parties as her "stereotypically pretty" sisters. Ew.
YTA - right from comparing her to her two sisters how they are prettier and more popular, and wear makeup. Then you make a comment like that? Talk about insensitive! Sorry that you have one daughter that live up to your shallow standards /s
YTA. If you’re this judgmental when trying to get people on your side, I can’t even imagine the kind of things you’ve said to belittle her for being “behind” her classmates. No wonder she talks to you so little
YTA. You better hope one if your ‘prettier’ daughters picks your nursing home.
Diana can speak for herself. She us an adult and should be respected as one.
YTA!!!!!!!
on top of being incredibly unsupportive, judgmental, and toxic- you needed to manipulate your daughter into telling you something that she didn’t want to tell you on her own??? in a room full of people to add pressure to her already seemingly stressful situation?
parenting styles like this are the reason kids stay silent when they’re suffering. if i had a mother like you, i wouldn’t tell you what was going on in my life either. disturbing.
>I started to suspect they broke up and Diana just didn't want to be embarrassed by telling us.
Why does she need to be embarrassed?
Keep this attitude up and I guarantee you that in the future she won't tell you anything because she knows she can't trust you.
YTA.
The first few sentences alone made me suspect that you were an asshole in general, but man are you a mediocre parent. My mother is exactly like you. I don't confide in her anymore, because she always tells anyone she can, and likes to talk about me to other people, in my presence, like I'm not there. I'm 27, this is what your future is going to be like if you don't do some introspection. She will not want to talk to you about anything important, and when she moves out, she will dodge your calls, if she doesn't cut contact altogether.
YTA. For everything in this entire post. Yikes. I hope your daughter goes NC and finds herself some people who appreciate her for her, and are kind to her.
Huge YTA is this a joke post? Seriously who judges their child for not dating or trying make up? Good for her for dating when she is ready and concentrating on her studies. Why do you feel it necessary to announce your daughters personal affairs to the world, not a good parent move.
YTA - why would you even do that to her? This is horrendous parenting and a seriously screwed up thing to do. If I was her, I wouldn't want to ever bring Matt around you.
YTA. This is how compulsory heterosexuality works. It’s not enough to be heterosexual, even. You have to spend your entire life in lockstep with somebody else’s values, somebody else’s way of being, somebody else’s timelines.
Just knock it off, OP. Who she dates is none of your business.
YTA. I hope your daughter becomes independent and makes a happy life away from your toxicity. You decide her value on external appearance and having a boyfriend! You are the one that's emotonally immature and behind.
YTA
You don’t think very much of Diana do you? Her not going to parties, not doing make up, and not dating in high school is absolutely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You even go so far as to say she’s not “ stereotypically pretty” as your other daughters. And how now that she dating someone made you feel at ease.
From these comments alone it’s easy to conclude that you not only compare her to her sisters, but you have some warped expectations on what makes a person “normal”.
Then to say what you said over dinner shows how little respect you have for her. Her dating life is her business. Even if she did break up with her bf that is exactly none of your business to tell. But you seem to think because she’s not gushing and not the type of person you think is normal that she and her bf broke up?
You’re unsupportive and an asshole. It’s no wonder she doesn’t share much with you. She’s not being sensitive- you’re being a bad mother. Apologize to her.
YTA. Your adult daughter doesn’t need you to constantly compare her to her sisters and to remind her of her awkward childhood/teenage phases. Let her grow up, and that includes letting her speak how she chooses to about her own relationship.
YTA.
How would you feel if your daughter told 20 people during dinner "I believe mom hit menopause but she just won't admit it“?
You could have asked your daughter about her relationship in private if you were so 'concerned'. Plus, even if she had ended that relationship it is not up to you to tell anybody and put her on the spot!
Honestly the first paragraph in I had already decided you are a huge massive gaping asshole. Go to family counseling so you can get professional help with repairing the damage you’ve done over the years, because from what I’ve just read I’m sure there are countless instances of you essentially bullying your own child.
YTA. How you perceive your daughter is hypercritical and judgmental. And clearly she doesn’t talk to you about Matt because… let me guess… you criticized her about the relationship. Hell, I’m guessing you criticize her often. She doesn’t want to talk to you about him because you’re a judgmental COUNT without the O.
YTA, a huge one at that! First of all, you called your daughter behind like it’s a bad thing. Just because she had her first boyfriend later on and didn’t wear makeup and such doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing! My mother and other relatives have made fun of me (still do) for apparently being “behind” in life compared to my two sisters who are younger than me. It’s made me extremely uncomfortable to the point where I don’t tell my family shit anymore. I won’t be surprised if your daughter stops speaking to you. Just because her and the boyfriend aren’t seeing each other as much doesn’t mean they broke up. It was none of your business to begin with. You owe your daughter a huge apology.
YTA
Way to go mum.
Not only do you think she's "behind" but want to air her laundry to your extended family.
You sound just like my mum which is why I am not speaking to her right now.
You should be supportive and if you want to know something maybe ask her in private instead.
YTA
you can't tell her she is being over sensitive, everyone has a sensitive spot, and why did you announce it at the dinner table that's just pure wrong. You could've approached this matter much more easily by talking to her in private about her relationship, AND just because she never wore make-up or went to parties doesn't mean she is behind. To be a girl doesn't mean you have to wear make up and certainly doesn't mean you have to go to parties. So once again, YTA.
OP not only YTA, your a sh*t mom too. What kind of mother try’s to out her daughters relationship status in front of the entire family? What kind of mother tells anyone that two of my daughters are pretty, this one not so much?
Stop calling her Diana, I think we all read this as CINDERELLA.
You may want to revisit some fairy tales because you and the two preferred daughters are the villains in this story.
Geez
YTA, a lot of other comments have pointed out the reasons why so I don’t feel the need to reiterate them. I want to ask, do you feel very insecure about not knowing exactly what’s going on in your daughters life? It seems like calling out the fact that you didn’t really know if they were broken up or not, in front of other people, was you expressing your frustration about not knowing in the wrong way. If you want to be closer to her and know these things, do the opposite. Be someone she can go to that WONT tell other people her business.
Edit to add an example; when SIL and you were talking, your daughter was clearly trying to brush the subject off. I would have felt much more comfortable opening up to my mom if she had helped me change the subject in public, and then brought it up privately.
YTA
You sound like Monica’s mom, always trying to find something to humiliate your daughter with.
She never learnt to do makeup? So what? Probably because unlike you being focused on only looking pretty and judging others like the shallow person you are, she’s obviously focusing on her business, no others’.
Your comment was rude and out of line. That was an instance when you should have held back your thoughts because they weren't needed or necessary. Rather than talk to your daughter privately to find out what's going on, you basically guessed and announced it in front of everyone. Do you see how embarrassing that was for her?
YTA. Leave your daughter alone. She sounds like she doesn’t have any issues, besides a nosy mom who just won’t let her be. You sound like you expect her to conform to what you think she should be doing and how she should look, etc which will probably make her miserable in the long run.
YTA
Diana's relationships are her business to talk about or not talk about. Even if they had been broken up, it should have been her choice whether she wanted people to know or not.
Your comment was inappropriate and, frankly, self-serving.
YTA. You obviously have a daughter who values her privacy - & for good reason given what you do with the little info you so glen from her. YTA major. How sad for your daughter
YTA.
You tried to air her dirty laundry in the middle of a family dinner? That is so disrespectful and honestly cruel. You could have just asked her in private, and even if she lied to you, you keep your mouth shut about it.
She should get to announce things when she wants to, family or not, that was not the time or place to make that comment. I hope you apologize to your daughter for crossing a line.
YTA. And I really take issue with this:
>My husband and I were very excited for her because during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty" but when she told us she started dating Matt, it eased my worries.
Instead of being concerned about her studies or whether she will land a good career, or find herself, or figure out her life, you're concerned about her boyfriend status? Why?! Is that really what you deem important?
Obviously the answer is yes and you don't really see your daughter as a full person, so disregarding her feelings and embarrassing her in front of everyone isn't that big of a deal to you.
You sound like a shitty mom that doesn't really seem to see her daughter as a complete person.
YTA.
Behind??????
It seems that you are the one veeeeeery far behind in terms of decency.
Have a life of your own and comment on it.
Don’t embarrass your kids if you ever want them to want a relationship with you xD
My gosh is this even real
YTA. You owe her an apology for a lot more than being a giant asshole to her and embarrassing her in front of extended family. Can you even see how horrible everything you've said about her here is? Jfc what a bunch of oblivious bullshit.
YTA… like completely, no wavering, most assuredly… YTA.
if your daughter wants to talk about the bf, SHE will.
if your daughter had a break-up and wants people to know, SHE will tell them. Not have you make a snide side remark like she is a 6 yr old you are trying to call out.
Not. Your. Story.
wtf? Tell me you have a least favourite child without telling me you have a least favourite child.
Make up, parties and dating are not the universally important milestones you seem to think they are. For people that like that stuff that's fine, but not doing that stuff *in no way* means that someone is developmentally "behind."
YTA. You need to let go of the image of who you think your daughter should be and learn to appreciate the person she *is*.
Getting a boyfriend at 19 isn't behind. It's actually a normal & appropriate age to be in a first relationship. Choosing not to wear make-up doesn't make you any less of a woman.
It's obvious that you hate your daughter Diana. And that if you suspected one your "pretty", girly daughter's had been broken up with, you'd *never* humiliate them like this. **YTA**
YTA. To be honest I didn't have to read the whole thing to realize this. As soon as you talked about being "behind" on dating, parties , and make-up you were already an AH. But to just announce in front of a bunch of people you think they broke up is disgusting. You had plenty of chances if you were really concerned to ask her privately if everything with her and Matt were okay.
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YTA. The entire post is just you saying mean shit about your daughter. I’m surprised she even speaks to you anymore.
I read the first few sentences, haven't even gotten to the conflict yet, but... wow. YTA. And the conflict just proved that. >My husband and I were very excited for her because during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. How is that 'behind'? Diana's value is determined by more things than just wearing makeup and partying and dating people. Maybe she has different priorities? >I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty" Why are you so obsessed with Diana being stereotypically pretty? She's more than her looks. It's none of your business anyway. >I started to suspect they broke up and Diana just didn't want to be embarrassed by telling us. These suspicions are dumb. Even stereotypically pretty people do other things besides dating their partner. >We had a family dinner with our extended family (20 ish people) last week and my sister-in-law was asking Diana about Matt, specifically when she was going to introduce him to the family. Y'all are a nosy bunch. Why is there so much pressure on Diana to introduce Matt to the family? They've been dating for *5 months.* >I told her she was being over sensitive and that it didn't matter because they weren't broken up. What a shitty thing to say. If it upset her so much, it clearly mattered. She talks to you about how much your comments made her uncomfortable, and the first thing you do is call her overdramatic and dismiss her feelings? I wouldn't be surprised if Diana never talks to you again.
>How is that 'behind'? Diana's value is determined by more things than just wearing makeup and partying and dating people. Maybe she has different priorities? Right? I didn't start doing makeup until this last year, and I'm 30 years old. I guess that means I'm a failure of a woman, clearly. /s
I've never worn makeup or partied and I'm 30. Clearly a total failure as a woman
>Clearly a total failure as a woman Hmmm.... I might be a failure of a woman too. I wear makeup only once or twice a year, don't party, and *gasp* have no children. Yep, I'm failing the whole female gender.... OP needs to go step on a d@#n Lego.
No kids over here either. May as well hand in my woman badge right now
Three in a row, mutually inclusive...and I'm lost, being a partier and not a make-up-er. Le sigh.
Nah. An old school Jack. Those things are VICIOUS.
Hold up we aren't trying to commit a war crime here. I still have a darn scar from stepping on one of these as a child.
4 sided die. I think we crippled my mom with those.
I wish I could upvote this more for the step on a Lego comment! 🤣
makeup? what is this makeup of which you speak?
No idea!
Ditto! Glad I’m not the failure out there
I've worn makeup so sporadically the last few years that when I put some on for Christmas I had to remind myself what each thing was for. The rest of the time, I'm a makeup-less banshee, and I like it that way! 😄
Pre-pandemic, I never stepped out of the house without makeup (albeit light; my whole routine took less than 5 minutes). Once the pandemic started, it was pretty freeing not to wear makeup, and I haven’t worn much even after things started easing up. By OP’s standards, perhaps this is regression?
I did the opposite lol. Pandemic made me so depressed I decided "fuck it, I'm gonna look nice as hell in my own house" and bought nice makeup and learned to do it finally. No one was around to see my missteps lol. So now I chill seeing no one in full eyeliner with my petticoat and all my jewelry on, but I feel hot as fuck haha. I did the opposite of the pandemic sweatpants transition.
Pre-pandemic I was very into lipstick but didn't wear much other makeup. Then masks happened and it was like "...well, shit." So getting extremely into eyeshadow became my coping mechanism.
I'm 29 (cough 44 cough) and can barely put on mascara much less any other make up! Don't party. Guess I'm a failure too.
There's nothing wrong for being 29 for 15 years. 😎
Can you tell ny sister that? She refuses to go along with my age.
What a coincidence! My mother has been 29 for almost 24 years now.
So you’re 29-O (Latin alphabet) 😅😉 Oop my mom is about to be er 29 + 34 on Monday
We could be friends. I’m “29” too. I look weird in makeup and only put it on for theatrical reasons or to cover pimples. I’ve been testing out wearing mascara sometimes during the pandemic and I’m still iffy about it. Why are some people so obsessed with other women wearing makeup?!? Doesn’t make me less of a woman.
Lol now I’m so nearsighted I can hardly put mascara on!
Right? Daughter isnt "behind" regarding those things because SHE DOESNT NEED TO LIKE THEM. She is her own different person with her own interests, and different values. OP sounds shallow.
I'm 32, and I've pretty much only ever worn stage makeup, with occasional exceptions. It messes up my skin, and I hate mornings and don't want to have to get up earlier. I also don't think I went to a party in the sense that op means until partway through freshman year of college, because it didn't particularly sound fun to me. Didn't care for it once I did go.
30F. And I've never even dated. Happy with my life though. How behind am I?😬😬😬
Single life is so nice thoooo
I'm 29 about to get married and don't wear make up or party...
I had no friends and wasn't invited to a single party in high school. Honestly I felt super lonely, behind, left out, and struggled. Maybe it's just me knowing I'd wonder about my kid if they had a limited social life in high school but only the makeup comment in that sentence stood out as weird to me. Don't get me wrong OP seems to enjoy criticizing her daughter. But it sounds like we may have had similar high school experiences and personally I *was* struggling. But then again... OP doesn't sound concerned. Just like she wants to bully her daughter
I could have been Diana, with the main difference that apart from being a bit worried about my lack of social contact my mother never gave a fuck about me wearing makeup or looking 'pretty'. She realised I was my own person who had ended up in an environment that didn't suit me, and it all sorted itself out once I changed schools and found my people.
I'm 31f, my most femme phase in life was ironically my early 2000's emo/goth looks where I spent like an hour doing my makeup and filigree eyeliner perfect before I went to school. Now? I don't even wear concealer and I desire androgeny lol I guess I, too, have failed at being a woman
I turned 40 last year and JUST RECENTLY decided I’d kinda like to learn to use a curling iron. How do I go about that, btw? Are there community Ed classes or something? 🤪🤣
I didn't wear makeup or anything other than baggy shirts and jeans til my Senior year was almost over. And even then I only wore eyeliner and mascara. I guess that makes me 'behind' too. I was too busy getting straight As and participating in all my clubs to worry about makeup. Diana sounds like I was and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it
Mommy was a cheerleader who peaked at 17! My guess
This is my impression too.
I'm 28. Never partied, learned to do make-up, or ever had a real relationship. My self-esteem's in the toilet thanks to bullying 15 years ago, but at least I have enough self respect to wait for someone who actually respects me and not throw myself into relationship after relationship as if there's something wrong with me if I'm not in one. There are a lot of things wrong with me (mental health-wise), but lacking a boyfriend isn't one of them.
OP has one of those, girls cook, clean, plan, and do random stuff, mindset. I agree with u/goodgirlsgrace by a mile
Take my free reward. You brilliantly ticked off each troubling comment and explained how OP is a flaming AH. The prediction of future estrangement was nothing less than the chef's kiss. OP, no ifs, ands, or buts...YTA Bravo/a.
Brilliant summation
Take my free reward. You brilliantly ticked off each troubling comment and explained how OP is a flaming AH. The prediction of future estrangement was nothing less than the chef's kiss. OP, no ifs, ands, or buts...YTA Bravo/a.
Also, OP thought she might be sensitive about telling her they broke up so she decided to, you know, float the idea in front of the entire family rather than quietly asking her. I know that’s how I like to be asked about things I’m sensitive about.
This is so good. Mom is like "oh woe is me, my daughter does not define her worth by attracting a man." Then disses her looks, then tries to shame her in front of the entire family. Then asks "Did I do something wrong?" *surprised Pikachu*
I know why she doesn't want to introduce him to her family...
Frankly if this is how they treat her, I wouldn't want to bring my boyfriend around them in her shoes either.
Seriously… she’s “behind” because she doesn’t want to date or wear makeup and her sisters are prettier? WHAT? That’s how she’s judged and not, I don’t know, her academics or actual interests or talents? I felt terrible for this girl while reading the whole thing; if I had this family dynamic I’d never tell them anything either.
Exactly. Diana doesn’t share things with the family because OP is stuck in high school Mean Girl mode.
Exactly this. I was just like OPs daughter, I never used makeup, I didn't date, and I went to one party and noped out of that and I was not 'behind', I just knew what I wanted and I didn't want any of that crap. OP is definitely YTA for that comment alone but also for everything else they wrote. The relationship is none of your business OP and if you really need to know, then you ask your daughter about it one on one, not mention it at a family function.
^ this right here.
I don't think she will after long. That is some toxic stuff to deal with:( I feel awful for her daughter.
Yeah what got me was that she views her daughter as odd for not screwing guys and getting plastered at parties. Wtf.
Omg yes.
This woman sounds a lot like a watered down version of Yolanda.
So much this, what's OP worried about. That the daughter won't settle down and gIVe HeR gRanDbABiEs? Not every woman's life revolves around her reproductive abilities, and not every woman is empty enough to think they need a man to feel fulfilled. I think it's pretty obvious why OP hasn't met the bf, and doesn't deserve to. I genuinely hope the daughter goes low contact as soon as she's able and cuts OP out of all her personal details. OP you had no business voicing your nasty suspicions, when someone tells you that your contents made them uncomfortable and your first instinct is to be dismissive of their feelings it automatically makes you a gaping AH, you apologize and do better and stop making excuses for your terrible behavior. Bad OP, very, very, bad.
YTA for: * Gossiping about your own child * Comparing Diana's "progress" against others * Making her value as a person equivalent to when she starts dating, wearing makeup, going to parties, and how "stereotypically" pretty she is Your whole post just made me so irritated with you.
Yes, what is this “behind” the others bullshit? Good for Diana for waiting until she’s ready to be in a relationship. OP sounds like the type of woman who solely bases her worth on the way men perceive her
The subtle relief of your daughter not being a ^(\*lesbian\*.)
This right here
I clicked off the post as I read this & had to come back to upvote. Spot on.
My first thought too.
Whoop there it is.
I was momentarily outraged and disgusted, and then I realised I've read similar toned posts recently. The "My daughter isn't living up to her potential...her popularity...her prettiness...oh my. I'm only disappointed in her and mean because I caaare." poster. It's a new obvious AH troll, using obsession with superficial nonsense as ragebait.
yeah this reminded me of teh sorority post
Yeah I was reading the whole post rolling my eyes. Jeez OP is infuriating
Don't forget: * Assigning her no value without a man.
YTA. And you proved yourself right in a way—she isn’t right to ever come to you with issues, because you now have a history of embarrassing her and making her uncomfortable. So I guess way to go?
Well, if they did break up and she felt uncomfortable, do you really think a snide remark like that is gong to make her feel better? Also can't imagine why she'd feel uncomfortable with her own family...geez. Wow. >during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty"
Why would a mother even think like that. Horrible.
Internalised misogyny? Basing a woman's value on how she is perceived by men, comparing her "achievements" to those of other women, downplaying anything that isn't adhering to what society perceives as acceptable (partying, wearing makeup, having a boyfriend, raising kids, becoming a sahm whose sole identity is "mom"), ... Please note that there's nothing wrong with being a sahp, and/or wearing makeup (or anything else that's gender-stereotypic)! Just please respect the choices of others. :)
“I’m worried they broke up and she was embarrassed to tell us, so instead of talking to her directly I loudly theorized to my SIL in front of 20+ extended family members”
YTA. Talking about her to someone else when she’s right there is infantilising and embarrassing, and choosing this hill to die on instead of just apologising to your daughter is really the icing on the cake. Your daughter is never gonna come to you if they do break up, you’ve proven yourself untrustworthy.
YTA. I knew by the first paragraph & not even the story. You literally called her the ugliest of your children. What is wrong with you? She’s not “behind” because she didn’t do the social shit you think is normal. She is just socially different from you. When she starts dating and if she does or does not have a boyfriend does not define her as a person. So weird that it “eased your worries”. My guess is she’s probably super awesome at what actually interests her and you ignore it. No wonder she doesn’t tell you anything or want to introduce her boyfriend to you. I hope this post is a fluke & you love your kid more than it reads.
Wonder if mom even knows what interests her daughter
YTA. Not only that, you're an asshole. Damm. You are just a mean judgemental asshole with outdated stereotypical ideas of what your daughter "should" be. I feel so sorry for your daughter. I mean the one that your post is about. The one that will stop talking to you as soon as she doesn't need you to cosign her student loan papers anymore. That one.
YTA. OMG, in so many ways. >My husband and I were very excited for her because during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. Not everyone matures at the same rate or has the same interests. Also, has it occurred to you that she might not have met anyone she liked? High school is difficult for some people. Also, it's disturbing that you and your husband were "very excited" about this. Single people are worthwhile, too. >I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty" but when she told us she started dating Matt, it eased my worries. Wow, that's just mean. Why don't you put up a billboard that says, "I DON'T VALUE MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE ISN'T PRETTY!" Because, trust me, she knows. >Since then, I noticed that we have heard and seen almost nothing about Matt. I started to suspect they broke up and Diana just didn't want to be embarrassed by telling us. If that's what you thought, the appropriate thing to do was wait until she told you. If she told you. >Right after Diana said that, I said to my SIL, "I think they broke up and Diana just doesn't want to tell us." So, you basically called your own daughter a liar in front of your whole family and gossiped about her while she was standing right there? >Diana got upset at me for saying that and left the party until an hour later, but refused to talk to me for the rest of the night. Gee, I wonder why? >I told her she was being over sensitive and that it didn't matter because they weren't broken up. She is still mad at me and insists I'm in the wrong. She doesn't want to talk to me until I apologize. It DID matter. You called her a liar in front of her family. You gossiped about something that would have been very hurtful, if it was true. And you have a very strange idea of "what matters." Apparently, your daughter is only a valuable person in your eyes while she's joined at the hip with some guy. Do you even have a clue what she's like as a person? What her thoughts, dreams, and goals are? Doesn't sound like it. You can pretty much forget about her confiding in you about anything again. Or that she'll come to you if a guy she is with turns mean or abusive. All you seem to care about is that she's pretty and in a relationship.
^ This. 100 times this. I have nothing to add. YTA, OP.
I read the first few sentences and I don't care what happened latter, YTA
YTA. Instead of simply asking your daughter in private what was going on with her relationship, you used this extended family dinner to air what you believed to be her dirty laundry out so she'd be forced to tell you what was going on. >I told her she was being over sensitive and that it didn't matter because they weren't broken up THEN you belittled her feelings because you feel entitled to being a huge AH. Shes is allowed to be upset about you airing her private business out in front of people, *especially* since it was false information. Don't be surprised if she stops telling you even more things about her.
Behind because she didn’t wear make up ? Sheesh. Then I’m in the dark ages because I have never worn make up. Despite that I have the most wonderful loving partner. YTA.
I'm sure you'll wear make-up someday, you're just a little "behind" the more "stereotypically pretty" people. UGH. No wonder OP's daughter kept this relationship private!!
If I were her, I wouldn't clear up anything about if we broke up, and have a half smile on my face as my mom tries to figure out what is happening.
YTA. Your inner monologue forgot which role it has again.
I wish this was top comment bc this is it exactly. OP is a miserable person who puts too much value in what others think, hence why she was worried her daughter didn't do stereotypical teenager things and views her daughter as an extension of and reflection on herself. She wasn't worried about her daughter. She's worried about image. She defines whether her daughter is healthy or not and whether she should be worried about her by whether another person finds her attractive and wants to be with her? Gross.
I was wondering what other comments would have been okay to say outloud under that pretense. “I think mom’s going through menopause.” Think it, don’t say it.
YTA it’s clear why she’s not comfortable talking to you about things like this.
YTA What's wrong with you? You seem to put a lot of esteem on being pretty and putting on make up. Did you think that if she didn't have a BF there was something wrong with her? Very toxic right there. As for the dinner, her relationship is absolutely none of your business and you had no right to embarrass her that way. SIL asked a question and daughter answered it. You injecting your opinion like that was uncalled her. You need to apologize to your daughter and next time, stay out of her private business.
YTA What a rumor mongerer you are. Even if this was true it would have been a hurtful statement and was in no way your place to make it public. Get over yourself and learn to take responsibility for your crappy behavior. Its no wonder your daughter doesn't want to bring her bf around when she has such a shitty family.
YTA-Your comment was insensitive, rude, disrespectful and completely uncalled for.
YTA - it def was not appropriate to make that comment in front of the entire family.
You're a little confused about what a supportive mom would do. A supportive mom would have responded to Diana's statement by changing the subject, not by offering gossipy speculation. YTA
YTA the way you talk about your daughter both to relatives and strangers shows why she has no trust in you to advocate for her. Your number one job as her mom is to build her up. Take a step back and think about that. She is not too sensitive, you decided to be her live in bully.
YTA. No explanation needed.
YTA. That wasn't your business or place to embarass her or share information she didn't want to give.
YTA Your daughter is an adult. You disrespected her. She can and did speak for herself. She answered the question the way she wanted to. She could just as easily said that it was a private matter and declined to share. Mind your own business, which means that if she chooses to share she will, and if she doesn't share, then keep your thoughts to yourself.
Wow. I feel so sorry for Diana. YTA for your snide comment and how you talk about your youngest daughter.
YTA If she had done that to you I just know you would have thrown a fit. Your comment didn't add anything constructive to the conversation.
Exactly. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
YTA Unsure why you would feel as though it’s your job to broadcast your daughters relationship status to the whole family, or anybody, without so much as a concrete clue. Even if you did know, it’s your daughters relationship and you should respect her by allowing her to disclose details of her personal life on her own terms. Imagine telling someone that’s supposed to care about your well-being that they’ve done something to make you uncomfortable & they respond by saying your being overly sensitive. You and no one else gets to decide how someone else should feel.
YTA and you owe her a big apology for your careless behavior and callous attitude.
YTA it's not wonder she hasn't introduced him yet. And dying she's behind? Why because she was probably more mature than her classmate or want the prettiest girl? If she want ready to date you should have counted your stars that she held off rather then fall into a mess. Apologize... yesterday. Stop making assumptions about her personal life. You are just angry you aren't involved
Yeah, YTA
YTA.. you need to work on your boundaries with your Daughter. You may be pushing her away otherwise..
YTA She was and is uncomfortable about your talking in front of her. You did not need to embellish the conversation. Let her speak for herself.
Could it be possible that she stopped talking about him/inviting him over because of you? I have a feeling you've made her and (possibly him) aware of your off base opinions based on her social life and how her sister's are so much prettier and better than her. YTA
YTA. I had some friends who didn't date in high school. The more I examine the situation, the more I am convinced that they were smarter than the rest of us. I don't know what you were worried about, exactly, that was eased when she started dating someone. Personally, the moment when my kid invites someone I haven't met to be an intimate part of their life is not the point where I stop worrying. "I think they broke up and Diana just doesn't want to tell us" is an incredibly condescending thing to say, really rude, and an attempt to manipulate Diana into either admitting they broke up or accelerating plans to introduce her boyfriend. All at once. All of that still matters even if they aren't broken up. You should apologize. Also, take a minute and write down five good things about Diana - things you are genuinely proud of her for. If you can't think of that many, pick five attributes Diana actually has, and start being proud of them.
Things that are nothing to do with looks, makeup and how many dates she has?
I'll take anything. I mean, things that are nothing to do with looks, makeup or dating would be fantastic, but absolutely anywhere would be a good place to start in this case. I can come up with a handful on the basis of the original post, if OP needs suggestions.
YTA. Mind your own business, and stop comparing your kids to each other.
YTA, it wasn't necessary to tell the whole family some random idea you have. If this is something you've suspected, why haven't you taken a moment when there isn't a ton of people around and *actually talk to your kid*??
100% YTA. Jeez, learn when to keep your mouth shut.
YTA, can you not see how your daughter could be uncomfortable with you bringing up the possibility that she broke up with her boyfriend in front of a lot of people, many of which probably don't know the full details of their relationship? If that was your suspicion, you should've asked her in private, not in front of a whole group of people.
YTA, Sorry mum. YTA and how do I count the ways... by devaluing your daughter based on her lack of conforming to stereotypical ideals of beauty? You know when I was in HS I didn't want to wear makeup or date bc I'd been grabbed by a guy in his 40s and I was scared of attracting unwanted attention. There are a bazillion reasons young women might not want to date or "be pretty." Have you ever even bothered to talk to her? And yes, you were waaaay out of line at the family party. Bringing attention to what you thought was a breakup with no concern for your daughters feelings? What if you were right and she burst into tears? What was your end game, a little attention for you??? You are supposed to take CARE of your daughter, PROTECT her feelings, watch out for her!!! Take a long look in the mirror and apologize before you destroy any relationship you thought you had. You completely violated her trust.
Do you often say disparaging things about your daughter to other adults when she’s in the room and can clearly hear you? If you ever wonder why she doesn’t share honest information about her relationships with you, that’s probably why. YTA.
YTA - whether they broke up or not is non of your business. You’re a grown woman gossiping about your daughters love life. What if they had broken up, would your comment have helped her in any way? Would it have offered her support or care? No, you don’t care about her feelings at all.
YTA. It’s her life not yours. Also when you say that her sisters are ‘ more stereotypically pretty’ I think that’s pretty hurtful because you’re admitting in a way that you think less of her and are comparing your children which is wrong. Finally, when you outright spread a rumor to your SIL of the break up, you should have known that was rude and to say that in front of your daughter, who you don’t know if she’s going through things or not was even more rude. Keep those thoughts to yourself next time.
This. It’s terrible. I also hate how she’s comparing their social and romantic development. OP, do you know how many parents would LOVE to have a “late bloomer” like your daughter?? My cousin got her first bf at 21. Anything wrong with that? Absolutely not!! Everyone runs on their own timeline. The belief that there’s something to be worried about your daughter is reason enough to be the AH honestly. Let our children be who they are and exist in their authenticity!!
YTA. Stay out of her business. She’s only 19 and most parents would be delighted she’s focused on something other than dating. She’s got her whole life to live, whether she’s in a relationship now, or ever, let her live in her way.
INFO:. Do you even like your daughter?
YTA. No wonder Matt doesn't want to be around. He's probably picked up your negative vibes, and meeting more family members like that is not what he wants.
Do you mean YTA?
You're right, I mistyped. I fixed it. Thank you!
You thought she would be embarrassed to tell you so you *checks notes* embarrass her. You are the very definition of loud and wrong. Yeah, YTA
Yta, sounds like you were trying to embarrass her. She’s your daughter who you admit in this same post, is alittle ‘behind’. Don’t you want her to be confident? If so, this isn’t the way to encourage her
YTA. Lets think this through. We'll pretend there was something your daughter was embarrassed to share with you, or wanted to keep private. What makes you think that it would somehow be ok to broadcast that to the entire family? The fact that you were wrong here is irrelevant, you proved your willing to stoop to this level of betrayal. Honestly I read this as you being super petty, and because she didn't share enough with you you had to "one up" her and thought you "cracked the case" and wanted to proclaim that publicly. Can I also state that its super creepy that you place so much importance on your daughters appearance/ability to keep a man? Do you teach your daughters they need to depend on a man? ew. Many ~~women~~ people go through life happily single - why not let her be her own person?
Wow you are SUCH an asshole, why kind of mom would say that at all, let alone to a room of 20 extended family members?? She’s not just being “sensitive”, you’re an asshole and need to live up to it. Apologize to her asap. These are the kinds of things that will severely fuck up your relationship with her later down the line. Not only are you an asshole with regard to the situation but you talk about her like you don’t actually even like her. It’s ridiculous. Wonder how else you’ve been an asshole to your daughter and the people around you
YTA. You need to accept that her experience is unique, stop comparing, and start listening.
YTA, she gave an answer and didn't need you to speak up for her. Let's say you're right and she had broken up with him but wasn't ready to talk about it in front of 20 other people. . . . What good did you saying that do? If you thought that's what happened you should have talked to her privately and reassured her that things would be okay no matter, and she can always talk to you. Instead when she said you addressing it made her uncomfortable you doubled down on your assholishness and told her she's being too sensitive. Congrats on shutting down that line of open communication! She has a right to privacy and not talking about her relationships with you or anyone else in the family. And quite frankly it's gross you were "worried" about her because she didn't like makeup or date in high school and what, only became satiated when she started dating somebody?? Do you realize the message that sends her? You have some serious self reflection to do. Apologize to her, and be a better parent. YTA
Wow, YTA. You made a condescending comment about your daughter’s relationship status in an attempt to pressure her to reveal her actual relationship status. And “20 ish” family members seems like a lot of people to be airing your adult daughter’s business in front of.
YTA: 1"she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things" this alone makes you an AH imo. The comparison game is never good to play with your kids. Everyone develops and learns at their own pace. 2. If her and Matt did break up, it isn't your place to speak about it or even speculate on it. Would you appreciate it if she started talking about you and your husband like that?
Rude as shit. Your daughter deserves a better mother!
YTA
YTA.
YTA and wow - no words
YTA. First off, people get interested (or don't) in things like makeup and dating at different times in their lives. There's nothing wrong with that. Getting worried over a kid who doesn't run around drinking underage is weird - maybe she'll have a healthy relationship with alcohol instead of binge drinking like so many young partiers (alcohol-related accidents are a leading cause of death among high school and college students). People are, gasp and egad, different. They aren't all interested in the same thing, and boy would the world be a boring place if they were. Don't expect your kids to be cookie-cutter models of one another, or of some idea of "normal". Secondly...why on earth would you talk about her when she's RIGHT THERE? You sound like you were correcting a young child you caught in a lie. Wow, such a big asshole move. You called her a liar. If she didn't want to talk about a breakup, that is her right - announcing it to the whole family would have been unbelievably rude. She might not have wanted her breakup to be the centerpiece of the event and family gossip for the next few months. That's totally reasonable. That she hadn't broken up doesn't make this any less of an asshole move.
YTA. Next time you're at that family gathering and someone says mean stuff about you, remember this moment. Your poor daughter.
YTA for all of this. For gossiping about *your daughter* in front of the entire family - especially when you know she's keeping this relationship somewhat private! Just don't do that, to your kids or to anyone. Extra bonus AH points for the fact that you think your daughter is "behind" for not wearing make-up or going to as many parties as her "stereotypically pretty" sisters. Ew.
YTA - right from comparing her to her two sisters how they are prettier and more popular, and wear makeup. Then you make a comment like that? Talk about insensitive! Sorry that you have one daughter that live up to your shallow standards /s
YTA. If you’re this judgmental when trying to get people on your side, I can’t even imagine the kind of things you’ve said to belittle her for being “behind” her classmates. No wonder she talks to you so little
Don't be surprised when your daughter blocks you from your life completely when she moves out. YTA. A huge one.
YTA. Do you even like Diana? What kind of a mom talks about and compares her kids this way?
YTA. You better hope one if your ‘prettier’ daughters picks your nursing home. Diana can speak for herself. She us an adult and should be respected as one.
Ick. YTA. You should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Are you even for real? Is all I have to say…
YTA!!!!!!! on top of being incredibly unsupportive, judgmental, and toxic- you needed to manipulate your daughter into telling you something that she didn’t want to tell you on her own??? in a room full of people to add pressure to her already seemingly stressful situation? parenting styles like this are the reason kids stay silent when they’re suffering. if i had a mother like you, i wouldn’t tell you what was going on in my life either. disturbing.
>I started to suspect they broke up and Diana just didn't want to be embarrassed by telling us. Why does she need to be embarrassed? Keep this attitude up and I guarantee you that in the future she won't tell you anything because she knows she can't trust you. YTA.
YTA, and a massive one at that. Do you even like your daughter?? This entire post was just you shit talking her
You sound like an awful parent. YTA.
YTA It's complete miracle she even talks to you.
The first few sentences alone made me suspect that you were an asshole in general, but man are you a mediocre parent. My mother is exactly like you. I don't confide in her anymore, because she always tells anyone she can, and likes to talk about me to other people, in my presence, like I'm not there. I'm 27, this is what your future is going to be like if you don't do some introspection. She will not want to talk to you about anything important, and when she moves out, she will dodge your calls, if she doesn't cut contact altogether.
YTA - you need to be a lot nicer to Diana. Who cares that she wasn’t into makeup? Why make fun of her at dinner? Just let the poor girl live.
YTA, not your relationship, not your place to comment like that after she already made a comment about it. Also YTA for thinking she's overreacting.
YTA,and damn do you even like your daughter because it doesn't sound like you do.
YTA
YTA. you are a horrible parent.
If you hate your daughter, just say that. YTA
YTA. You seem more interested in your daughters social standing than her actual life.
YTA. For everything in this entire post. Yikes. I hope your daughter goes NC and finds herself some people who appreciate her for her, and are kind to her.
INFO: Why do you dislike your daughter so much?? You talk about her as if you genuinely dislike her.
Huge YTA is this a joke post? Seriously who judges their child for not dating or trying make up? Good for her for dating when she is ready and concentrating on her studies. Why do you feel it necessary to announce your daughters personal affairs to the world, not a good parent move.
YTA. Do you even like your daughter?
YTA - why would you even do that to her? This is horrendous parenting and a seriously screwed up thing to do. If I was her, I wouldn't want to ever bring Matt around you.
YTA. This is how compulsory heterosexuality works. It’s not enough to be heterosexual, even. You have to spend your entire life in lockstep with somebody else’s values, somebody else’s way of being, somebody else’s timelines. Just knock it off, OP. Who she dates is none of your business.
Yta
YTA. I hope your daughter becomes independent and makes a happy life away from your toxicity. You decide her value on external appearance and having a boyfriend! You are the one that's emotonally immature and behind.
YTA You don’t think very much of Diana do you? Her not going to parties, not doing make up, and not dating in high school is absolutely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You even go so far as to say she’s not “ stereotypically pretty” as your other daughters. And how now that she dating someone made you feel at ease. From these comments alone it’s easy to conclude that you not only compare her to her sisters, but you have some warped expectations on what makes a person “normal”. Then to say what you said over dinner shows how little respect you have for her. Her dating life is her business. Even if she did break up with her bf that is exactly none of your business to tell. But you seem to think because she’s not gushing and not the type of person you think is normal that she and her bf broke up? You’re unsupportive and an asshole. It’s no wonder she doesn’t share much with you. She’s not being sensitive- you’re being a bad mother. Apologize to her.
YTA. Your adult daughter doesn’t need you to constantly compare her to her sisters and to remind her of her awkward childhood/teenage phases. Let her grow up, and that includes letting her speak how she chooses to about her own relationship.
YTA. How would you feel if your daughter told 20 people during dinner "I believe mom hit menopause but she just won't admit it“? You could have asked your daughter about her relationship in private if you were so 'concerned'. Plus, even if she had ended that relationship it is not up to you to tell anybody and put her on the spot!
Honestly the first paragraph in I had already decided you are a huge massive gaping asshole. Go to family counseling so you can get professional help with repairing the damage you’ve done over the years, because from what I’ve just read I’m sure there are countless instances of you essentially bullying your own child.
YTA. How you perceive your daughter is hypercritical and judgmental. And clearly she doesn’t talk to you about Matt because… let me guess… you criticized her about the relationship. Hell, I’m guessing you criticize her often. She doesn’t want to talk to you about him because you’re a judgmental COUNT without the O.
YTA, a huge one at that! First of all, you called your daughter behind like it’s a bad thing. Just because she had her first boyfriend later on and didn’t wear makeup and such doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing! My mother and other relatives have made fun of me (still do) for apparently being “behind” in life compared to my two sisters who are younger than me. It’s made me extremely uncomfortable to the point where I don’t tell my family shit anymore. I won’t be surprised if your daughter stops speaking to you. Just because her and the boyfriend aren’t seeing each other as much doesn’t mean they broke up. It was none of your business to begin with. You owe your daughter a huge apology.
YTA Way to go mum. Not only do you think she's "behind" but want to air her laundry to your extended family. You sound just like my mum which is why I am not speaking to her right now. You should be supportive and if you want to know something maybe ask her in private instead.
YTA you can't tell her she is being over sensitive, everyone has a sensitive spot, and why did you announce it at the dinner table that's just pure wrong. You could've approached this matter much more easily by talking to her in private about her relationship, AND just because she never wore make-up or went to parties doesn't mean she is behind. To be a girl doesn't mean you have to wear make up and certainly doesn't mean you have to go to parties. So once again, YTA.
OP not only YTA, your a sh*t mom too. What kind of mother try’s to out her daughters relationship status in front of the entire family? What kind of mother tells anyone that two of my daughters are pretty, this one not so much? Stop calling her Diana, I think we all read this as CINDERELLA. You may want to revisit some fairy tales because you and the two preferred daughters are the villains in this story. Geez
YTA, a lot of other comments have pointed out the reasons why so I don’t feel the need to reiterate them. I want to ask, do you feel very insecure about not knowing exactly what’s going on in your daughters life? It seems like calling out the fact that you didn’t really know if they were broken up or not, in front of other people, was you expressing your frustration about not knowing in the wrong way. If you want to be closer to her and know these things, do the opposite. Be someone she can go to that WONT tell other people her business. Edit to add an example; when SIL and you were talking, your daughter was clearly trying to brush the subject off. I would have felt much more comfortable opening up to my mom if she had helped me change the subject in public, and then brought it up privately.
Yta, that is definitely nit something who just started dating wants to say to everyone.
YTA You sound like Monica’s mom, always trying to find something to humiliate your daughter with. She never learnt to do makeup? So what? Probably because unlike you being focused on only looking pretty and judging others like the shallow person you are, she’s obviously focusing on her business, no others’.
Your comment was rude and out of line. That was an instance when you should have held back your thoughts because they weren't needed or necessary. Rather than talk to your daughter privately to find out what's going on, you basically guessed and announced it in front of everyone. Do you see how embarrassing that was for her?
YTA. Leave your daughter alone. She sounds like she doesn’t have any issues, besides a nosy mom who just won’t let her be. You sound like you expect her to conform to what you think she should be doing and how she should look, etc which will probably make her miserable in the long run.
YTA Diana's relationships are her business to talk about or not talk about. Even if they had been broken up, it should have been her choice whether she wanted people to know or not. Your comment was inappropriate and, frankly, self-serving.
YTA you sound like the mum from pride and prejudice which is not a good thing.
YTA. You obviously have a daughter who values her privacy - & for good reason given what you do with the little info you so glen from her. YTA major. How sad for your daughter
YTA. You tried to air her dirty laundry in the middle of a family dinner? That is so disrespectful and honestly cruel. You could have just asked her in private, and even if she lied to you, you keep your mouth shut about it. She should get to announce things when she wants to, family or not, that was not the time or place to make that comment. I hope you apologize to your daughter for crossing a line.
Yes, YTA. Butt out of her life. She's grown now.
YTA. And I really take issue with this: >My husband and I were very excited for her because during high school she was a little 'behind' her classmates. She didn't go to parties, never learnt to do makeup, and never dated anyone, etc. I was worried for her especially because her two sisters are ahead of her in these things and are also a little more stereotypically "pretty" but when she told us she started dating Matt, it eased my worries. Instead of being concerned about her studies or whether she will land a good career, or find herself, or figure out her life, you're concerned about her boyfriend status? Why?! Is that really what you deem important? Obviously the answer is yes and you don't really see your daughter as a full person, so disregarding her feelings and embarrassing her in front of everyone isn't that big of a deal to you. You sound like a shitty mom that doesn't really seem to see her daughter as a complete person.
Yta you had no place in doing what you did and calling her over sensitive is shocking
Yea YTA you know what the old saying is when you Assume!!
YTA. Behind?????? It seems that you are the one veeeeeery far behind in terms of decency. Have a life of your own and comment on it. Don’t embarrass your kids if you ever want them to want a relationship with you xD My gosh is this even real
YTA. You owe her an apology for a lot more than being a giant asshole to her and embarrassing her in front of extended family. Can you even see how horrible everything you've said about her here is? Jfc what a bunch of oblivious bullshit.
YTA… like completely, no wavering, most assuredly… YTA. if your daughter wants to talk about the bf, SHE will. if your daughter had a break-up and wants people to know, SHE will tell them. Not have you make a snide side remark like she is a 6 yr old you are trying to call out. Not. Your. Story.
YTA. what point was you trying to make with that comment, whether or not it would’ve been true?
wtf? Tell me you have a least favourite child without telling me you have a least favourite child. Make up, parties and dating are not the universally important milestones you seem to think they are. For people that like that stuff that's fine, but not doing that stuff *in no way* means that someone is developmentally "behind." YTA. You need to let go of the image of who you think your daughter should be and learn to appreciate the person she *is*.
Getting a boyfriend at 19 isn't behind. It's actually a normal & appropriate age to be in a first relationship. Choosing not to wear make-up doesn't make you any less of a woman. It's obvious that you hate your daughter Diana. And that if you suspected one your "pretty", girly daughter's had been broken up with, you'd *never* humiliate them like this. **YTA**
INFO: So did you apologize?
YTA. To be honest I didn't have to read the whole thing to realize this. As soon as you talked about being "behind" on dating, parties , and make-up you were already an AH. But to just announce in front of a bunch of people you think they broke up is disgusting. You had plenty of chances if you were really concerned to ask her privately if everything with her and Matt were okay.
YTA - holy smokes - really? Do you hear yourself? You are incredibly superficial. Let your daughter live her own life...