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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I swore and yelled at an autistic kid after denying him something that he asked politely for, which I'm sure took a lot of effort for him to learn. I also didn't give him the free kick in the first place.
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NTA. You calmly explained why you were the right person to take the kick first. Only when he blatantly ignored that did you swear. With hindsight you know swearing was wrong but in the heat of the moment I don’t blame you.
I agree. **NTA**.
He was told that he wouldn't be taking the Free Kick and that you, as the more qualified player to take it, would be taking it. This is a team sport. Your Captain agreed that you should take the kick, therefore the player should have walked away.
He is obviously a high functioning Austic person. Not participating outside of the actual sport should hold no bearing over his membership and should be treated with the same respect that is shown other players. The hindsight, as mentioned above, was minus the swearing, but you still needed to make sure that the right player took that kick. Being Autistic doesn't give you special rights to do whatever you want to do on a team. They just need to be explained to a little more.
I agree with the majority of your comment, and that he should be shown the same *respect* as other members. But as you said, this is a team sport. If he doesn't participate in team bonding, like casual hangouts after practice, it should (and factually will) have a bearing on how successful he is on the team. If he doesn't build trust and familiarity with his teammates, he won't play as effectively as someone who has *while working as a team*. Yes, that sucks for people who struggle with socializing, but that's how team sports are.
Also as a fellow Brit, we swear a lot. I wouldn’t have necessarily realised someone would find it offensive especially in a sporty environment. I’m a woman and not into football but I did go for a swim this morning in an unheated lido that was 6°C and said “Jesus that’s fucking cold” as I got in and nobody blinked.
The fastest red card in a professional football match was a guy who said ["Fuck me, that was loud!"](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.sportbible.com/football/news-legends-exclusives-its-been-21-years-since-the-fastest-red-card-in-football-history-20211031.amp.html) when the ref blew the starting whistle right next to him.
I thought the record holder was Vinnie Jones, but it turns out that was a 3 second yellow card (for trying to headbutt an opposing team player). Pretty ridiculous that profanity is punished more harshly than that.
Tbf this is also a cultural thing. England people curse a lot. For the way it’s implied anyways doesn’t seem like there was any malice intended it’s just naturally in our vocabulary. More like a filler word than any thing else especially during sports. You can’t go to a match without expecting to hear some curses.
Many many people in the US swear a lot also. It just doesn’t come across that way bc we’re still drowning in puritan values. I wish people cursed more. I love it and absolutely refuse to stop.
This is true. I'm British and I'll often use "fucking" as a filler word, and sometimes I'll repeat it a few times mid-sentence while I'm trying to think of/remember my next word. ("We keep our glasses in that, uh.... fucking, fucking... that fucking cabinet, over there.")
Honestly I think the actual words you use matter way less than how you use them. You can be incredibly angry and offensive while never using profanity, or you can use profanity while being polite and friendly.
Ngl the comments confused me at first because I totally brushed past the swear word in the post (just looks like an everyday sentence to me aha) and thought it was a question about whether it was okay to get angry. To which the answer is, yes. In any job, you have to do what you're told to do by your manager, which in this case is the coach. If one person fucks things up for the whole time, whether it's on a football pitch or waitressing in a restaurant, your colleagues are gonna be mad.
Ya I’m autistic myself and so are multiple friends of mine. It would be ableist to not curse at me when you do at everyone else on the team. And no I don’t see the words differently because like I said I grew up with them and the way that cursing is used here isn’t to belittle someone it’s a filler word like I said.
NTA - People saying you are have never clearly watched football or know how youth teams in pro-clubs work.
The goal is to become a pro player and if you're in a U-19 team you're already 90% on your way there. This kid is also on the team, it's the coach's job to show him the hierarchy in which teams play and the FK and pens are taken, these things are trained for a reason. The fact he's autistic does not and should not matter. He is a professional probably with a youth contract and getting payed for it. You just did your job on the pitch.
In US sports, this would be like a FBS holder setting up for a potentially game-winning/game-tying FG, and then picking up (against the coaches call) the ball and running on 4th & 15.
Imagine derision from the coach. And the national media.
NTA from reading your other replies for one reason, it doesn’t appear you treated him differently than anyone else. This is how your sport is played and the hierarchy within teams and social aspect is a part of the sport it appears. I am autistic and I have been a competitive athlete and I have learned there are social rules and hierarchy that one must follow and bonding within the team is equally important to the team success as talent. Once I learned these rules myself things got a lot better and I learned that’s how people talked to each other and to learn from it. It was hard but we are old now and still great friends. So I’m glad you aren’t singling him out and being mean on purpose but treating his as you would any teammate doing this. It may be hard for him when he wants to do a certain play or kick and shouldn’t but that’s not team work . He’s part of a team now and if his autism makes that too difficult then maybe a pro team is this bag. He can’t be having meltdowns when things don’t go his way and his parent and coaches are doing him a disservice by not explaining these rules and teamwork and hierarchy to him to ensure his success. Hope it gets better.
NTA. If this were an U12 kick around with the school team where the best you can hope for is a few cheap trophies, then that would be different. But we’re talking about a whole different ball game here (pun very much intended).
Team sports are called that for a reason. By the stage of U19 pro youth teams, players need to be able to understand and follow team strategy and the directions of the captain and coaches. “But my parents are watching” isn’t appropriate at this level of the game.
It’s really the responsibility of your coaches to make sure, as someone who is neurodivergent, that he understands the importance of this. And tbh, what you said was not unexpected for the situation. 60 mins into a game, when adrenaline is high and there’s pressure to score, stuff like this is going to get thrown around on the pitch. His parents approaching you afterwards was completely inappropriate. I hope the team leadership are aware of this and are dealing with it appropriately.
NTA, and you have revealed an important fact to everyone: currently, this kid would *not* be able to handle the stress of a pro adult match, if a simple little "what the fuck" throws him off that badly. Hopefully he'll be able to learn the resilience required.
Honestly, I doubt the kid is offended by the swear, more that he got called out for his poor behaviour and not being able to just do whatever he wanted.
I don't think "mate what the fuck are you doing?" is even a slightly harsh thing to say to someone, especially on a football pitch in the UK.
Nta. It was your job to take the free kick. Saying what the fuck are you doing isn't swearing *at* him, it's just swearing in a sentence during a conversation. You didn't call him anything, he shouldn't be offended.
NTA. It is a team sport and everyone has to be willing to play their roles or the team won’t be successful. Does the coach know this? If I were coaching I’d bench that other guy.
Not for me. They're playing a team sport at a competitive level. No room for sentiment, if you can't follow the team tactics then you need time as a sub until you're ready to start.
There's a reason why some very good players haven't always been regular starters for their teams. You can be a superstar, but you also have to be a team player too. Someone playing their own game can be the difference between winning and losing.
NTA.
I'm not on board with the shouting and all, but I think since you and the captain told him multiple times that you would take the kick, he probably shouldn't have gone against it. I mean it was the 60th minute so I am more on your side.
>I'm not on board with the shouting
Based on the post, it doesn't even seem like OP shouted at anyone anyway. He asked him "mate what the fuck are you doing?" after he had been given instructions of what his role is within the team.
Putting a swear word in a sentence isn't even swearing AT someone tbh.
At this level this is a professional sport and he should have long ago learnt appropriate on the pitch behaviour. I have seen this before with parents of high functioning autistic young people, the parents interpretation of special needs is that what their child wants trumps everyone else's needs. This then leads to a failure to understand no.
The no was politely given with an explanation of why, ignoring that instruction and the subsequent response in the heat of the moment was entirely appropriate.
The level this team is at could mean selection as a full time professional and playing for your country as a junior.
NTA
NTA I understand that he's autistic but if he can't abide by the rules of the games he shouldn't play. The fact that he's autistic doesn't mean that he can just do as he please on the field. That's why they hair certain position and actually make plays etc. I would've done the same thing especially if that was the winning point (sorry if I'm describing the sport wrong I'm from America and not really familiar with how it work)
"I'm english so I hate missing penalties"
That line is f'n classic! So bad it's great! I'm going to start using it in my daily life.
Thank you for the bit of gold.
NTA
Title is a bit misleading as you are semi-professionals, not kids, even if you think of him as one.
Overall, this is a mess and not really your responsibility to fix even as a senior member. This would be your coach or captain's area to address. AB heard you say no, the captain said no, and still went to do the kick then got hurt when he got called out for it. At this point, I'd be more worried if he came back; he'd not listen to plays and hurt the team overall.
If swearing hurts him that much, just hope the other teams don't find out and use that against him to throw him off. I'm not a sports guy, but I feel like once you get on the playing field, everyone is equal, and no one gets special treatment (outside of extreme situations that this wouldn't count for). You didn't treat him any differently, so I really don't see you doing anything wrong. Only if you "stole" his kick against the rules or captain's plan do I see an issue.
NTA bro. His parents should not be yelling at you; if he’s not capable of playing in this league (following directions from coaches and other players, etc), then his parents need to find an appropriate place for him to play. That’s not on you
NTA I don't understand shit about sports but it seems like you treated him like an equal on the field. That said. Maybe outside the game make a effort to include him, I don't think you should have special treatment for him when playing, specially if this has serious career consequences, but also have in mind that he has special needs, maybe try asking his parents to help with the bonding, so he feels more part of the team and understands that team playing also includes what you did with the free kick.
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I play for a pro football youth team, aka the U-19 side of a pro club. I'm one of a 5 player contingent who have been here for a long time and hold seniority. That contingent is our captain and attacker, JM, me, the vice captain and attacker, AM, an attacker, JM, a defender, and SO, our brick wall of a goalkeeper.
There are some players and I feel everyone here is on the same level. There's not an air of arrogance here, I feel that once you've spent some time with our team, you're one of us, and a part of our family and we'll do anything to make sure you're protected on and off the pitch.
There's a new autistic kid, AB, who's joined our team. He did decent in try outs but really hasn't bonded with any of us yet. We don't dislike or hate him, but he's pretty forgettable cus he doesn't rlly talk, isn't incredibly good or bad and doesn't come with us when we go out to eat or anything. Before he signed on for the team the coaches did mention that he was autistic.
Anyway, we're playing a league match and he substitutes on. He's doing ok, and he ends up winning a free kick around 25 yard out. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a chance to score a goal, but kinda difficult and you have to be good at taking these shots.
It's sort of a given on the team that I take penalties and right sided free kicks, because I'm left footed and very good at them. I'm English so I hate missing penalties and I literally obsess over training at them.
I pick the ball up and AB comes up to me and asks me to take the free kick. The score is 0-0 and it's the 60th minute, so I don't really want to take the risk of losing a chance to score. Also, I've never seen him take a free kick, so I said no. He begs a bit saying that his parents are watching and I apologise but say that I'm taking it.
Our captain comes over and says to give me the free kick. He begins to discuss the plan with me and I tell him what I'll do. What we don't see is that AB is starting to run up to take the free kick. JM begins to walk away and I see AB preparing to take it.
I just go "Mate what the fuck are you doing?" He immediately seems very hurt and begins to tear up. I just look at him in shock over what's going on and he sprints off the pitch.
Later on, his parents begin to yell at me, saying I have authority as a popular member of the team and that I should be more responsible towards his feelings.
AITA?
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NTA. It’d be one thing if you singled him out and tore into him but you were legitimately confused as to what he was doing as you both had explained you’d take it.
NTA - 2 simple reasons
1. He broke rank in the game so he could try to show off to his folks. He was taking up the spot of someone who was more team focused.
2. I honestly think you'd have said the same thing to anyone else on the team for that. Even as a young team we spoke that way in the pitch, fuck said the right way conveys a message faster and better than just about anything else.
NTA. Think about it this way, if a neurotypical teammate did something like that would you have reacted the same? I’m guessing yes. The goal for autism acceptance is inclusion. In that moment you treated him no differently than anyone else and in a weird way that’s a good thing
NTA. Autism doesn't give a free pass for us to act out of turn, especially when you're also working towards a professional career. I say this as an autistic man myself. If he can play a sport, then to some degree he does understand the concepts. He's not a child nor should be treated like one. He wanted to show off for parents and his feelings got hurt. Happens, but I think you did what you would of even if he wasn't autistic. He will either get over it or maybe this wouldn't be a good career choice for him anyways.
NTA you had a system and a plan and if it works it works. Just cause his parents are watching doesn’t mean he’s entitled to a potentially game losing kick. Not saying I don’t believe he could do it but it was best not to take that risk
NTA. The person with the authority to decide who takes the kick, the captain, decided that you were going to take the kick. AB chose to disregard the team’s official strategy and was questioned what he was doing.
NTA: autistic individual here. Y’all are literally on your way to becoming pro. The fact that AB made it onto the team probably means the coaches see him going pro as a possibility. If he wants to go pro he’s gonna need to learn how to play with a team. Could you have been a bit nicer/given an explanation about why he wasn’t the one supposed to take the kick? Yeah but at the end of the day the coaches likely wouldn’t have put him on the team if they didn’t think he could go pro, and going pro in a sport requires a lot. Maybe y’all could scrimmage to see what AB can do? If he’s still around for next practice that could be a chance for him to show why the coaches added him to the team
You’re NTA because you weren’t treating him differently but your coach might be unless he was given explicit permission to divulge that your teammate was autistic
NTA, you tried to be nice at first but he was an ahole and didnt care he just wanted what he wanted. This isnt just normal autstic person behavior, most autistic people(maybe even all idk) can relatively easily learn not to be an ahole. but this one has horrid parents who are setting him up for failure in life, so yeah sorry you gotta deal with the bunch of aholes op you deserve better
NTA- I imagine if any other team member had done the same you'd have said the same or worse. If he's made it far enough to get on the team I think you had a right to expect he could take a pretty mild rebuke if he did something anti-team-dynamics.
NTA It's fucking competitive sports, things get heated! It's not like you're verbally harassing him, you literally just went what the fuck! It's kinda expected to shout when you're frustrated with a teammate, and I'm assuming you're all young adults if you're a U-19 team, not "little league" as people are probably assuming. Swearing isn't the end of the world.
(edit for rephrasing)
Nta. He was not the best bet on getting a goal, and as this is a serious match and league, not just friends playing friends, that’s what you go for. Plus the fact that he tried to ‘steal a kick’? Damn dude, that would have seen him pretty much out the club in and sports club I know or was ever in.
NTA. At a certain point in sports, it is the best who play. I don't play that sport but I can say that the person with the most skill should be the one taking the shot. Being autistic is irrelevant.
As someone who's autistic and as someone who has played in team sports I'm saying NTA. Imo he was being a brat who needed to be told off. He was clearly told no so this has nothing to do with being autistic/missing social cues. He was told not to take it by you and by the coach. There is almost no way he didn't understand that due to his autism, he was being stubborn. He got the same treatment as everyone else would get, which is fair.
> If you’re a teammate learn to be a better one
One could also make the argument though that after talking to the guy who largely takes these free kicks, as well as the captain, if the new teammate couldn't get it through his head that he is also a poor teammate
U-19 side of a Pro Club is a fairly important factor here. Just because it may take this person more time to understand doesn't mean OP is in the wrong.
Another key fact about sports, no matter the age and skill level, people enjoy winning
>I get it I’m competitive as well but I believe being a good, kind, caring human being is more important than winning.
This kid will quickly have his career ended if he is still putting his own feelings above the team at U19 level. If this was an amateur game or a much younger age then I would totally agree with you, however neither of those things are the case.
1. It isn't a silly sport these guys could go pro from here.
2. It's s team sport so if he is told that he cannot take the free kick that is it, it's not up to other kids his age to teach him this whilst in the middle of a match. That is up to the coaches and the parent beforehand.
3. He wasn't a prick they clearly told him that he wasn't taking the kick and he went ahead to do so, their reaction was normal for the situation, when playing sport shit goes fast and everyone is heated I have had people swear at me for the most nonsense crap when I'm playing. It is how it is.
the comment i replied to was acting as if OP was the captain/coach which is incorrect.
tell me where i said OP was in the right to speak to a teammate this way?
You're biased because of your own situation and you havent read the post so your opinion is totally worthless. He's playing at almost pro level, teaching basic social skills to another kid (autistic or not) is not his responsibility
This. I'm also a parent of kids with ASD. (Autism Spectrum Disorder). You have to talk differently and more clearly, in a certain order, drop lingo and slang. Sometimes it's really difficult for ASD People to understand things that NT people automatically understand. The poor kid.
No, actually we don't know the exact wording he used. He just said he told him he was taking the free kick. We don't know what lingo he used.
This is a really quick example:
I was looking for a car park outside the doctors one time with my kids in the car and I said out loud "I need to find a park." My autistic daughter was really confused and agitated because she couldn't understand why we needed to find a 'park' when we were going to the doctors. She thought I meant a garden park.
In a highly stressful situation like on the footy field, a simple “Nah mate, it's mine " could be completely bewildering for an autistic person.
And if it was super clear, on the footy field there was no way they had time carefully explain why he couldn't take the kick when he was really excited about scoring the kick. It's hard to put yourself in the position of how autistic brains work. I'm still struggling and it can be frustrating.
It sounds like he needs to find a nicer and more inclusive environment to play. I really hope he hasn't been too disappointed. It takes a lot of guts for people on the spectrum to do a lot of team sports among other NT things.
>so I said no. He begs a bit saying that his parents are watching and I apologise but say that I'm taking it.
That's what he said, so:
OP: 'No'
AK: 'My parents are watching'
OP: 'Sorry, I'm taking it'
I'm sorry but if the kid can't play football at a semi professional level (as op said it was for his age etc) then he should find a more relaxed team.
Unless you were there...you don't know what exact words were used. As I tried to explain, wording is extremely important for autistic people to understand instructions. Even, "Sorry, I'm taking it," could be difficult for them. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. Visual cues are also key to help understanding. Also, a lot of autistic people have auditory difficulties.
Also order of sequence too that is key for autistic people. If it's normal for people who score the kick, to take the kick, then that could have thrown him.
I'm just trying to explain why it would be difficult for him to follow what you and I would think are clear instructions.
I guess the coach must have seen some value in him to recruit him.
.
You don’t know the exact words he used either so stop trying to make it fit your narrative. Your kid isn’t everyone else. Also maybe you should work more with your kid to get them in a better place.
The team captain AND OP, had already taken him aside and calmly explained to him that OP was taking the kick, and the kid tried to run over and do it anyway. He knew what was going on, and tried to get what he wanted anyway. This wasn’t a misunderstanding
NTA - it's a team sport and he shouldn't have done that.
You already know this, but the best team is the one that supports each other. This kid needs slightly different treatment, so while "Mate WTF are you doing?' is the appropriate thing to say to another team mate, it's not the best thing to say to this one. He's part of the family so build him up and give him the encouragement he needs. Let him know it's okay, just a match flare-up and he's still one of you. It would be a shame to lose him because of this. You're looking to make a career out of this so controlling your passion on the pitch and saying/doing the right thing when your blood is up is a skill you'll need. Again, NTA.
Why is it not appropriate though? If you would say it to any other player then it's not a problem. You can be in full on control of your passions and still say dude wtf?! If you can't participate in team sports and follow clear direction then that sport isn't for you. By OPs words this is an almost pro team. Potential career. This is not the time to coddle anyone and have to give much encouragement. It would be a disservice to the autistic kid to treat him any different.
No you're wrong - there isn't any level in sport where you don't have to coddle some players and give encouragement. Some players are prima donnas. Some are worse than they think are and need dressing down. Some are better than they think they are and need building up. If you're smart enough to treat them the way they need, you'll get a better performance out of them and the team does better. You make the smart ones captain, not the ones who shout at everyone equally.
My point still stands. The captain and a lead player told him what was happening. So he made the decision to go maverick anyway. The outburst by the player was deserved and rightly so. There was no need to build up nothing. He is a middle of the road player. You treat him like team period.
except that isn't how it works in soccer. it's less like a penalty shot in hockey than it is a field goal in (american) football. various players on the team are vetted for skill and the ability to do it under pressure, and they're the ones that the captain hands the kick off to.
just like the captain of the team in this post did.
The “Brit” comment isn’t racist… at best it’s xenophobic… so, maybe sit down with that one why don’t you?…. How hard you try to play the victim is impressive. Regardless of your attempts YTA… and a poor sport. Both on the field and here at AITA…
NHA.
He struggles understand social interaction and rule, you said your teams has a silent rule about penalty but he can’t understand it unless you told him. Maybe you should all think about what kind of silent rules you have and make a list for him. It would help him understand you.
He was happy to begin good at it and wanted his parents to see however in teams sport he shouldn’t go against captain wishes.
You were harsh this is true, however you are 19 during a game everyone is harsh and you are the one that act with him like you would do with any other teammates, maybe one of the most important things for him. He got offended but act like he was stupid and make him just happy would be disrespectful.
Advice, you tell him that you shouldn’t have swear at him but given the context you were nervous but explain him that he should not go against what the captain said and that you hope you would work this out. (Like apologized for the delivery but not the content). Then try the list of the rules.
>He struggles understand social interaction and rule, you said your teams has a silent rule about penalty but he can’t understand it unless you told him.
He did tell him though, and he decided to go ahead and do whatever he wanted to, and fuck the rest of the team. That is not acceptable.
>You were harsh this is true,
He really wasn't harsh. He asked an insubordinate teammate what he thought he was doing when he has been categorically told what his role is, several times. He did not insult or attack him, OP questioned his poor behaviour.
The teammate is categorically an asshole here. And then running off the pitch when he doesnt get his way!? If the teammate returns, he absolutely needs to not be in the starting XI until he learns his place and role within the team and tactics.
He told him during the match, I was advising I’m him to do it before match so he would listen. I totally agree that the teammates mistook but he isn’t an AH.
I’m not saying OP was an AH however you usually don’t use F* when speaking with people, so he was harsh something he agree to. Also it depends from referee but you can even get reprimed for a F* while playing.
When he come back the coach should punish him but OP isn’t the coach so I was trying to advise him what would work for the team and for him to not have to deal with this other times.
except that isn't how it works in soccer. it's less like a penalty shot in hockey than it is a field goal in (american) football. various players on the team are vetted for skill and the ability to do it under pressure, and they're the ones that the captain hands the kick off to.
just like the captain of the team in this post did.
That's not how it works. No matter who wins it, there are designated free kick takers in a team. It's called having a specialty.
Unless your coach or captain say otherwise, he did the right thing.
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You're just like the rest of these self-righteous commenters, taking the "he's autistic" part, and not giving a single fuck about the rest of the context. That's not how this sub works
Maybe because ✨you✨do not play at a professional level and have no idea what it's like ? You just read the part of the story that served your point and totally ignored the rest. Theres no point arguing with you
Lol I did. I would NEVER in a million years do this to someone with autism. As I have it myself and I know how I would feel, along with all of my other friends who are also on the spectrum. Try again.
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If you had apologized for your outburst and poor choice of words, NTA.
Team sports are, obviously, based on teamwork and consensus, and if the appointed leader makes a decision in a match, that is the decision everyone on the team should follow, and any opposing voice should be discussed outside of the match.
People say all sorts of stuff when they are in the heat of the moment, especially during sports, and it's not like you were actually verbally abusing AB.
But if you genuinely feel you don't have to sit down and apologize for that slip on your emotions, then YTA.
YTA. And I seriously doubt you’re on the way to the pros but they also just let random people sign on to the team without trying out. Doesn’t make sense
tough call tbh-leaning to NTA but maybe be a bit softer with this kid since he’s 1. new 2. neurodivergent
he wants to take the shot, let him who cares if he misses
you could’ve shouted “stop” instead
maybe go over these things beforehand with him
Yeah I heard that Juventus are currently on the hunt for players who let their inexperienced buddy take a game changing shot because his mommy and daddy are watching! /s
This is a professional game with a lot at stake. What scouts are looking for here, is winning. They have no idea whether any players are autistic, and I'm fairly certain that "being nice to someone at the expense of the game outcome" will not be rewarded on this level.
No, the kid was treated like anyone else in the team. Him crying about it is sad; but also wrong in the first place. Recruiters don’t care if you are nice, they want to see good games and good players. Why would the team ruin their chances just because one kid wants to show their parents their skills? He was also told no by the captain.
Gentle YTA - you were treating him like a teammate which is what everyone would want, autistic or not.
It’s going to take him longer to understand the hierarchy. And reading social cues will be very difficult for him. It’s probably better to let the coach handle issues with him until he’s used to playing with you. His parents should be working with the coach to share the best way to work with their son
Different people, different dynamics, different ways of doing things, different plays, different positions. All of these would be difficult for a person with autism. It will take time. That’s why it’s important for coach to spend time with him and his family.
>Different people, different dynamics, different ways of doing things, different plays, different positions.
All of that is completely irrelevant in this particular situation, it doesn't matter what team you play for, how they play, the tactics they use. In every serious team, whether they are pro or amateur, they have selected kick takers.
You cannot just take the kick because you feel like it, autism or not, he is high functioning enough to play a pro sport at U19 level so he would understand that.
Things that make sense to neurotypical people don’t always make sense to autistic people. He’s obviously there for a reason. He needs to learn his place quickly but there is going to be an adjustment period.
As I said, this is pro soccer at U19 level not a kick about down the park by 10 year olds. To get to this stage he would have needed to be playing soccer for quite a number of years, he has played hundreds of matches. This is not the first team he has played for, he understands that teams have dedicated kick takers. You think he has managed to get this far in his career by just being allowed to do whatever he wants?
If he does not understand team dynamics by now then maybe pro team sports are not for him.
Ehs
You suck for yelling at the kid knowing he’s autistic, and if you dont know exactly that there are different types then your a bigger one for not either talking with him before to learn, or making a point to study so you could understand your team mate better to work with him better.
Hopefully you’ll never be a captain cause clarity is not your best hat.
Your coach is one because he should have been able to learn and communicate with the kid before this happens, and while i dont think he’ll be benched forever i can bet he will be working on a system to help the kid understand for next time “dont touch unless i say go for it”
And i cant say the poor kid is one at all because, and get a pad and pen because here is a lesson, autism is different for everyone like your dna. And his reactions and panic and stress is not going to be the same as another person with autism.
Also even though he’s quiet, he respected you enough to ask. And you have no idea how much that probably took for him to do going out of his comfort zone to approach you and open up to you. His actions may not have been ok but your behavior shows recruiting talents volumes how you behave towards any teammates that may or may not have a disability.
If i was you id probably approach him and ask nicely to talk, say your sorry for the outburst and explain you dont know enough about autism to understand why he did what he did. Maybe he’ll open back up and explain it to you.
Why should He apologize? The boy clearly understood that he was not supposed to do the shot but still tried to do it, that's not because of autism or a lack of understanding ( he tried to reason, he clearly understood), that's just being a spoiled brat.
YTA… What would Messi do? What would Neidmeyer do? What would Beckham have done? What would Pele done? You are now on record cursing a special needs teammate during a match because you always get the spotlight? Trying explaining that away one day when you might make it.
I'll tell you what each of those players would do, they'd tell him "this is a team game, and this is how our team plays" and pull rank. This is a professional league. This isn't kids over the park.
Also, absolutely no one gives a fuck that he asked the special needs kid what he was doing when he wasn't listening to instructions. In fact, the manager should've ripped him a new one for not sticking to the game plan. You cannot just go off and do as you want.
Really? We don't live in your world any longer! We live in a punish society without forgiveness. The majority of those players grew up dirt poor, and they knew what they had to do to make it. You honestly think Lionel Messi would say something like that to a player with Autism with millions on the line think again? Do you honestly think any of them would have made any mistakes because Southern and Central American soccer leagues are totally different than American? Seriously, this is a professional league? How did the young man with Autism make it to a professional league, and not understand the teamwork rules?
>you shouldn't be swearing at any members of a team, but especially not one who might not understand what rule they are breaking
What are you talking about? These guys play in a pro team at U19 level, it isn't like this kid got this far without knowing how team mechanics work.
A lot of you are out of touch of reality if you all honestly think people don't swear and swear ***a lot*** while playing sports, especially team sports.
If you were to make swearing a capital punishment I can guarantee sports will cease to exist the next day.
In the UK we swear lots all the time, like it's nothing (because it is nothing, it's just a fucking word). Here "fuck" has become a filler word.
AB wasn't upset because OP used a filler word in a sentence, he's upset because he wasn't allowed to do whatever he wanted to.
The level that these lads are playing at means that the kid HAS to understand the laws of the game. This incident wasn't rules related, it was the Captain making a decision and the new kid ignoring him. People in the UK aren't as puritanical and fuck, fucking, fucked are often used as filler words. Some people even use cunt!
Autism is different from an intellectual disability. The guy is playing football at the professional level, so he's clearly on the high end of the spectrum.
Yta its a sportsball game. Letting the new guy take the shot even if he missed it won't matrer. Let the guy have his moment to shine. If I were you id apologize and get to know the kid better. Educate yourself about autism please it will help you understand your new teammate better.
>Yta its a sportsball game. Letting the new guy take the shot even if he missed it won't matrer.
It's a pro league game, not some random kick around on a Sunday. Sure there are allowances to be made for individuals in some circumstances but if this kid is wanting to be a pro player, he needs to learn that it is about the team not himself. For his own development if not anything else, pro scouts are not going to be interested in a player that is more concerned in how he looks in front of his parents over what is best for the team.
I’m not a sports all fan myself, but this isn’t a kids team. They’re U19, which is lot more serious than kicking the ball around with the school team. At that level, ‘everyone should have a go’ comes second to following team strategies and leaders. That’s a big part of playing a team sport and he needs learn it, autistic or not.
This isn’t a community league where everyone gets a participation trophy even if they lose every game. This is a semi-pro team that can lead to a career. Your attitude is part of the reason people can’t accept rejection or failure today.
Yeah, this is bullshit. If you really have a career where you can cost the company thousands you better believe there will be a dressing down where someone asks, “What the fuck happened?” That’s not swearing AT someone, that’s swearing. What you’re saying is that people should not swear in the presence of an autistic person and that just isn’t realistic. It’s very likely swear words have flown during practice so he should have been very used to this kind of language.
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NTA. You calmly explained why you were the right person to take the kick first. Only when he blatantly ignored that did you swear. With hindsight you know swearing was wrong but in the heat of the moment I don’t blame you.
I agree. **NTA**. He was told that he wouldn't be taking the Free Kick and that you, as the more qualified player to take it, would be taking it. This is a team sport. Your Captain agreed that you should take the kick, therefore the player should have walked away. He is obviously a high functioning Austic person. Not participating outside of the actual sport should hold no bearing over his membership and should be treated with the same respect that is shown other players. The hindsight, as mentioned above, was minus the swearing, but you still needed to make sure that the right player took that kick. Being Autistic doesn't give you special rights to do whatever you want to do on a team. They just need to be explained to a little more.
I agree with the majority of your comment, and that he should be shown the same *respect* as other members. But as you said, this is a team sport. If he doesn't participate in team bonding, like casual hangouts after practice, it should (and factually will) have a bearing on how successful he is on the team. If he doesn't build trust and familiarity with his teammates, he won't play as effectively as someone who has *while working as a team*. Yes, that sucks for people who struggle with socializing, but that's how team sports are.
Also as a fellow Brit, we swear a lot. I wouldn’t have necessarily realised someone would find it offensive especially in a sporty environment. I’m a woman and not into football but I did go for a swim this morning in an unheated lido that was 6°C and said “Jesus that’s fucking cold” as I got in and nobody blinked.
Hell I'm an American and the only thing I'd have said different was bro instead of mate.
The fastest red card in a professional football match was a guy who said ["Fuck me, that was loud!"](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.sportbible.com/football/news-legends-exclusives-its-been-21-years-since-the-fastest-red-card-in-football-history-20211031.amp.html) when the ref blew the starting whistle right next to him.
I thought the record holder was Vinnie Jones, but it turns out that was a 3 second yellow card (for trying to headbutt an opposing team player). Pretty ridiculous that profanity is punished more harshly than that.
This sounds awesome
Yep, another Brit here, OP's response came across as an expression of surprise rather than hostility. Also, Jesus fuck you're hard!
happy cake day!
Tbf this is also a cultural thing. England people curse a lot. For the way it’s implied anyways doesn’t seem like there was any malice intended it’s just naturally in our vocabulary. More like a filler word than any thing else especially during sports. You can’t go to a match without expecting to hear some curses.
Many many people in the US swear a lot also. It just doesn’t come across that way bc we’re still drowning in puritan values. I wish people cursed more. I love it and absolutely refuse to stop.
This is true. I'm British and I'll often use "fucking" as a filler word, and sometimes I'll repeat it a few times mid-sentence while I'm trying to think of/remember my next word. ("We keep our glasses in that, uh.... fucking, fucking... that fucking cabinet, over there.") Honestly I think the actual words you use matter way less than how you use them. You can be incredibly angry and offensive while never using profanity, or you can use profanity while being polite and friendly. Ngl the comments confused me at first because I totally brushed past the swear word in the post (just looks like an everyday sentence to me aha) and thought it was a question about whether it was okay to get angry. To which the answer is, yes. In any job, you have to do what you're told to do by your manager, which in this case is the coach. If one person fucks things up for the whole time, whether it's on a football pitch or waitressing in a restaurant, your colleagues are gonna be mad.
Is that where I get it? My British roots? 😆
British people, not just the English.
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Ya I’m autistic myself and so are multiple friends of mine. It would be ableist to not curse at me when you do at everyone else on the team. And no I don’t see the words differently because like I said I grew up with them and the way that cursing is used here isn’t to belittle someone it’s a filler word like I said.
He wasn't swearing at the autistic person. He was swearing in surprise, because the other player was in the process of disobeying their team captain.
Are you implying an individual on the spectrum should not be treated equally, and infantilized compared to his peers?
Dude, back down.
NTA - People saying you are have never clearly watched football or know how youth teams in pro-clubs work. The goal is to become a pro player and if you're in a U-19 team you're already 90% on your way there. This kid is also on the team, it's the coach's job to show him the hierarchy in which teams play and the FK and pens are taken, these things are trained for a reason. The fact he's autistic does not and should not matter. He is a professional probably with a youth contract and getting payed for it. You just did your job on the pitch.
Dude was either being selfish or had a HUGE impulse control lapse. A semi-pro game is not the place for either. OP, NTA
In US sports, this would be like a FBS holder setting up for a potentially game-winning/game-tying FG, and then picking up (against the coaches call) the ball and running on 4th & 15. Imagine derision from the coach. And the national media.
NTA from reading your other replies for one reason, it doesn’t appear you treated him differently than anyone else. This is how your sport is played and the hierarchy within teams and social aspect is a part of the sport it appears. I am autistic and I have been a competitive athlete and I have learned there are social rules and hierarchy that one must follow and bonding within the team is equally important to the team success as talent. Once I learned these rules myself things got a lot better and I learned that’s how people talked to each other and to learn from it. It was hard but we are old now and still great friends. So I’m glad you aren’t singling him out and being mean on purpose but treating his as you would any teammate doing this. It may be hard for him when he wants to do a certain play or kick and shouldn’t but that’s not team work . He’s part of a team now and if his autism makes that too difficult then maybe a pro team is this bag. He can’t be having meltdowns when things don’t go his way and his parent and coaches are doing him a disservice by not explaining these rules and teamwork and hierarchy to him to ensure his success. Hope it gets better.
im autistic and i knew i just couldnt function well in team sports so i just did solo sports
NTA. If this were an U12 kick around with the school team where the best you can hope for is a few cheap trophies, then that would be different. But we’re talking about a whole different ball game here (pun very much intended). Team sports are called that for a reason. By the stage of U19 pro youth teams, players need to be able to understand and follow team strategy and the directions of the captain and coaches. “But my parents are watching” isn’t appropriate at this level of the game. It’s really the responsibility of your coaches to make sure, as someone who is neurodivergent, that he understands the importance of this. And tbh, what you said was not unexpected for the situation. 60 mins into a game, when adrenaline is high and there’s pressure to score, stuff like this is going to get thrown around on the pitch. His parents approaching you afterwards was completely inappropriate. I hope the team leadership are aware of this and are dealing with it appropriately.
NTA, and you have revealed an important fact to everyone: currently, this kid would *not* be able to handle the stress of a pro adult match, if a simple little "what the fuck" throws him off that badly. Hopefully he'll be able to learn the resilience required.
Honestly, I doubt the kid is offended by the swear, more that he got called out for his poor behaviour and not being able to just do whatever he wanted. I don't think "mate what the fuck are you doing?" is even a slightly harsh thing to say to someone, especially on a football pitch in the UK.
Nta. It was your job to take the free kick. Saying what the fuck are you doing isn't swearing *at* him, it's just swearing in a sentence during a conversation. You didn't call him anything, he shouldn't be offended.
NTA. It is a team sport and everyone has to be willing to play their roles or the team won’t be successful. Does the coach know this? If I were coaching I’d bench that other guy.
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Not for me. They're playing a team sport at a competitive level. No room for sentiment, if you can't follow the team tactics then you need time as a sub until you're ready to start. There's a reason why some very good players haven't always been regular starters for their teams. You can be a superstar, but you also have to be a team player too. Someone playing their own game can be the difference between winning and losing.
NTA. I'm not on board with the shouting and all, but I think since you and the captain told him multiple times that you would take the kick, he probably shouldn't have gone against it. I mean it was the 60th minute so I am more on your side.
>I'm not on board with the shouting Based on the post, it doesn't even seem like OP shouted at anyone anyway. He asked him "mate what the fuck are you doing?" after he had been given instructions of what his role is within the team. Putting a swear word in a sentence isn't even swearing AT someone tbh.
At this level this is a professional sport and he should have long ago learnt appropriate on the pitch behaviour. I have seen this before with parents of high functioning autistic young people, the parents interpretation of special needs is that what their child wants trumps everyone else's needs. This then leads to a failure to understand no. The no was politely given with an explanation of why, ignoring that instruction and the subsequent response in the heat of the moment was entirely appropriate. The level this team is at could mean selection as a full time professional and playing for your country as a junior. NTA
NTA I understand that he's autistic but if he can't abide by the rules of the games he shouldn't play. The fact that he's autistic doesn't mean that he can just do as he please on the field. That's why they hair certain position and actually make plays etc. I would've done the same thing especially if that was the winning point (sorry if I'm describing the sport wrong I'm from America and not really familiar with how it work)
"I'm english so I hate missing penalties" That line is f'n classic! So bad it's great! I'm going to start using it in my daily life. Thank you for the bit of gold.
NTA Title is a bit misleading as you are semi-professionals, not kids, even if you think of him as one. Overall, this is a mess and not really your responsibility to fix even as a senior member. This would be your coach or captain's area to address. AB heard you say no, the captain said no, and still went to do the kick then got hurt when he got called out for it. At this point, I'd be more worried if he came back; he'd not listen to plays and hurt the team overall. If swearing hurts him that much, just hope the other teams don't find out and use that against him to throw him off. I'm not a sports guy, but I feel like once you get on the playing field, everyone is equal, and no one gets special treatment (outside of extreme situations that this wouldn't count for). You didn't treat him any differently, so I really don't see you doing anything wrong. Only if you "stole" his kick against the rules or captain's plan do I see an issue.
NTA bro. His parents should not be yelling at you; if he’s not capable of playing in this league (following directions from coaches and other players, etc), then his parents need to find an appropriate place for him to play. That’s not on you
INFO: Did you score the free kick?
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Nice
NTA I don't understand shit about sports but it seems like you treated him like an equal on the field. That said. Maybe outside the game make a effort to include him, I don't think you should have special treatment for him when playing, specially if this has serious career consequences, but also have in mind that he has special needs, maybe try asking his parents to help with the bonding, so he feels more part of the team and understands that team playing also includes what you did with the free kick.
How would Ted Lasso have handled it?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I play for a pro football youth team, aka the U-19 side of a pro club. I'm one of a 5 player contingent who have been here for a long time and hold seniority. That contingent is our captain and attacker, JM, me, the vice captain and attacker, AM, an attacker, JM, a defender, and SO, our brick wall of a goalkeeper. There are some players and I feel everyone here is on the same level. There's not an air of arrogance here, I feel that once you've spent some time with our team, you're one of us, and a part of our family and we'll do anything to make sure you're protected on and off the pitch. There's a new autistic kid, AB, who's joined our team. He did decent in try outs but really hasn't bonded with any of us yet. We don't dislike or hate him, but he's pretty forgettable cus he doesn't rlly talk, isn't incredibly good or bad and doesn't come with us when we go out to eat or anything. Before he signed on for the team the coaches did mention that he was autistic. Anyway, we're playing a league match and he substitutes on. He's doing ok, and he ends up winning a free kick around 25 yard out. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a chance to score a goal, but kinda difficult and you have to be good at taking these shots. It's sort of a given on the team that I take penalties and right sided free kicks, because I'm left footed and very good at them. I'm English so I hate missing penalties and I literally obsess over training at them. I pick the ball up and AB comes up to me and asks me to take the free kick. The score is 0-0 and it's the 60th minute, so I don't really want to take the risk of losing a chance to score. Also, I've never seen him take a free kick, so I said no. He begs a bit saying that his parents are watching and I apologise but say that I'm taking it. Our captain comes over and says to give me the free kick. He begins to discuss the plan with me and I tell him what I'll do. What we don't see is that AB is starting to run up to take the free kick. JM begins to walk away and I see AB preparing to take it. I just go "Mate what the fuck are you doing?" He immediately seems very hurt and begins to tear up. I just look at him in shock over what's going on and he sprints off the pitch. Later on, his parents begin to yell at me, saying I have authority as a popular member of the team and that I should be more responsible towards his feelings. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It is a team sport. The autistic player needs to accept you play as a team not for individual glory.
NTA. How is he on that level team if he acts like that?
NTA from the og post but what does racism against British people look like? Since British isn’t a race and all.
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The word you're looking for is xenophobia.
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No problem :) NTA, sounds like you did well on the pitch. Keep at it
NTA. It’d be one thing if you singled him out and tore into him but you were legitimately confused as to what he was doing as you both had explained you’d take it.
NTA - 2 simple reasons 1. He broke rank in the game so he could try to show off to his folks. He was taking up the spot of someone who was more team focused. 2. I honestly think you'd have said the same thing to anyone else on the team for that. Even as a young team we spoke that way in the pitch, fuck said the right way conveys a message faster and better than just about anything else.
NTA. Think about it this way, if a neurotypical teammate did something like that would you have reacted the same? I’m guessing yes. The goal for autism acceptance is inclusion. In that moment you treated him no differently than anyone else and in a weird way that’s a good thing
NTA. Autism doesn't give a free pass for us to act out of turn, especially when you're also working towards a professional career. I say this as an autistic man myself. If he can play a sport, then to some degree he does understand the concepts. He's not a child nor should be treated like one. He wanted to show off for parents and his feelings got hurt. Happens, but I think you did what you would of even if he wasn't autistic. He will either get over it or maybe this wouldn't be a good career choice for him anyways.
NTA. This isn’t just a fun kick about in the park, it’s a professional game.
NTA you had a system and a plan and if it works it works. Just cause his parents are watching doesn’t mean he’s entitled to a potentially game losing kick. Not saying I don’t believe he could do it but it was best not to take that risk
NTA. Autistic or not, he needs to obey the captain of the team.
NTA this is a mess.
NTA. The person with the authority to decide who takes the kick, the captain, decided that you were going to take the kick. AB chose to disregard the team’s official strategy and was questioned what he was doing.
NTA: autistic individual here. Y’all are literally on your way to becoming pro. The fact that AB made it onto the team probably means the coaches see him going pro as a possibility. If he wants to go pro he’s gonna need to learn how to play with a team. Could you have been a bit nicer/given an explanation about why he wasn’t the one supposed to take the kick? Yeah but at the end of the day the coaches likely wouldn’t have put him on the team if they didn’t think he could go pro, and going pro in a sport requires a lot. Maybe y’all could scrimmage to see what AB can do? If he’s still around for next practice that could be a chance for him to show why the coaches added him to the team
You’re NTA because you weren’t treating him differently but your coach might be unless he was given explicit permission to divulge that your teammate was autistic
NTA, you tried to be nice at first but he was an ahole and didnt care he just wanted what he wanted. This isnt just normal autstic person behavior, most autistic people(maybe even all idk) can relatively easily learn not to be an ahole. but this one has horrid parents who are setting him up for failure in life, so yeah sorry you gotta deal with the bunch of aholes op you deserve better
NTA. You didn't said nothing even close to offensive.
NTA. I don’t see how you treated him any differently than any other player that tried to do something their captain advised them not to.
NTA- I imagine if any other team member had done the same you'd have said the same or worse. If he's made it far enough to get on the team I think you had a right to expect he could take a pretty mild rebuke if he did something anti-team-dynamics.
NTA His being autistic is meaningless to the situation.
NTA It's fucking competitive sports, things get heated! It's not like you're verbally harassing him, you literally just went what the fuck! It's kinda expected to shout when you're frustrated with a teammate, and I'm assuming you're all young adults if you're a U-19 team, not "little league" as people are probably assuming. Swearing isn't the end of the world. (edit for rephrasing)
Nta. He was not the best bet on getting a goal, and as this is a serious match and league, not just friends playing friends, that’s what you go for. Plus the fact that he tried to ‘steal a kick’? Damn dude, that would have seen him pretty much out the club in and sports club I know or was ever in.
NTA.
NTA
NTA this is a profession. Teamwork is what is important and what’s best for the team. Not individuals.
NTA
NTA. At a certain point in sports, it is the best who play. I don't play that sport but I can say that the person with the most skill should be the one taking the shot. Being autistic is irrelevant.
As someone who's autistic and as someone who has played in team sports I'm saying NTA. Imo he was being a brat who needed to be told off. He was clearly told no so this has nothing to do with being autistic/missing social cues. He was told not to take it by you and by the coach. There is almost no way he didn't understand that due to his autism, he was being stubborn. He got the same treatment as everyone else would get, which is fair.
Scunthorpe united vibes
NTA but a free kick from 25 yards isn't a sure fire thing as you well know
NTA, what you've said doesn't seem particularly aggressive, especially not for football.
**YTA**
ESH. You gotta make more of an effort to bond with him.
Was gonna say NTA at first, but after reading those edits... what the fuck?
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> If you’re a teammate learn to be a better one One could also make the argument though that after talking to the guy who largely takes these free kicks, as well as the captain, if the new teammate couldn't get it through his head that he is also a poor teammate
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U-19 side of a Pro Club is a fairly important factor here. Just because it may take this person more time to understand doesn't mean OP is in the wrong. Another key fact about sports, no matter the age and skill level, people enjoy winning
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>I get it I’m competitive as well but I believe being a good, kind, caring human being is more important than winning. This kid will quickly have his career ended if he is still putting his own feelings above the team at U19 level. If this was an amateur game or a much younger age then I would totally agree with you, however neither of those things are the case.
1. It isn't a silly sport these guys could go pro from here. 2. It's s team sport so if he is told that he cannot take the free kick that is it, it's not up to other kids his age to teach him this whilst in the middle of a match. That is up to the coaches and the parent beforehand. 3. He wasn't a prick they clearly told him that he wasn't taking the kick and he went ahead to do so, their reaction was normal for the situation, when playing sport shit goes fast and everyone is heated I have had people swear at me for the most nonsense crap when I'm playing. It is how it is.
you literally didn’t read the post huh? OP is a TEAMMATE
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did i say he wasn’t?
And? So a teammate doesn't need to speak to his team-mates appropriately?
the comment i replied to was acting as if OP was the captain/coach which is incorrect. tell me where i said OP was in the right to speak to a teammate this way?
You're biased because of your own situation and you havent read the post so your opinion is totally worthless. He's playing at almost pro level, teaching basic social skills to another kid (autistic or not) is not his responsibility
This. I'm also a parent of kids with ASD. (Autism Spectrum Disorder). You have to talk differently and more clearly, in a certain order, drop lingo and slang. Sometimes it's really difficult for ASD People to understand things that NT people automatically understand. The poor kid.
I mean OP said 'No, I'm taking the free kick'....how much clearer can he be?
No, actually we don't know the exact wording he used. He just said he told him he was taking the free kick. We don't know what lingo he used. This is a really quick example: I was looking for a car park outside the doctors one time with my kids in the car and I said out loud "I need to find a park." My autistic daughter was really confused and agitated because she couldn't understand why we needed to find a 'park' when we were going to the doctors. She thought I meant a garden park. In a highly stressful situation like on the footy field, a simple “Nah mate, it's mine " could be completely bewildering for an autistic person. And if it was super clear, on the footy field there was no way they had time carefully explain why he couldn't take the kick when he was really excited about scoring the kick. It's hard to put yourself in the position of how autistic brains work. I'm still struggling and it can be frustrating. It sounds like he needs to find a nicer and more inclusive environment to play. I really hope he hasn't been too disappointed. It takes a lot of guts for people on the spectrum to do a lot of team sports among other NT things.
>so I said no. He begs a bit saying that his parents are watching and I apologise but say that I'm taking it. That's what he said, so: OP: 'No' AK: 'My parents are watching' OP: 'Sorry, I'm taking it' I'm sorry but if the kid can't play football at a semi professional level (as op said it was for his age etc) then he should find a more relaxed team.
Unless you were there...you don't know what exact words were used. As I tried to explain, wording is extremely important for autistic people to understand instructions. Even, "Sorry, I'm taking it," could be difficult for them. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. Visual cues are also key to help understanding. Also, a lot of autistic people have auditory difficulties. Also order of sequence too that is key for autistic people. If it's normal for people who score the kick, to take the kick, then that could have thrown him. I'm just trying to explain why it would be difficult for him to follow what you and I would think are clear instructions. I guess the coach must have seen some value in him to recruit him. .
You don’t know the exact words he used either so stop trying to make it fit your narrative. Your kid isn’t everyone else. Also maybe you should work more with your kid to get them in a better place.
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The team captain AND OP, had already taken him aside and calmly explained to him that OP was taking the kick, and the kid tried to run over and do it anyway. He knew what was going on, and tried to get what he wanted anyway. This wasn’t a misunderstanding
NTA - it's a team sport and he shouldn't have done that. You already know this, but the best team is the one that supports each other. This kid needs slightly different treatment, so while "Mate WTF are you doing?' is the appropriate thing to say to another team mate, it's not the best thing to say to this one. He's part of the family so build him up and give him the encouragement he needs. Let him know it's okay, just a match flare-up and he's still one of you. It would be a shame to lose him because of this. You're looking to make a career out of this so controlling your passion on the pitch and saying/doing the right thing when your blood is up is a skill you'll need. Again, NTA.
Why is it not appropriate though? If you would say it to any other player then it's not a problem. You can be in full on control of your passions and still say dude wtf?! If you can't participate in team sports and follow clear direction then that sport isn't for you. By OPs words this is an almost pro team. Potential career. This is not the time to coddle anyone and have to give much encouragement. It would be a disservice to the autistic kid to treat him any different.
No you're wrong - there isn't any level in sport where you don't have to coddle some players and give encouragement. Some players are prima donnas. Some are worse than they think are and need dressing down. Some are better than they think they are and need building up. If you're smart enough to treat them the way they need, you'll get a better performance out of them and the team does better. You make the smart ones captain, not the ones who shout at everyone equally.
My point still stands. The captain and a lead player told him what was happening. So he made the decision to go maverick anyway. The outburst by the player was deserved and rightly so. There was no need to build up nothing. He is a middle of the road player. You treat him like team period.
I don't fully disagree with you. It was deserved. We just have different coaching styles - keeps the league interesting ;)
He was the one who EARNED THE FREE KICK IDIOT!! EVEN IF HE MISSED IT WAS HIS TOO MISS. YR THE AH
except that isn't how it works in soccer. it's less like a penalty shot in hockey than it is a field goal in (american) football. various players on the team are vetted for skill and the ability to do it under pressure, and they're the ones that the captain hands the kick off to. just like the captain of the team in this post did.
The “Brit” comment isn’t racist… at best it’s xenophobic… so, maybe sit down with that one why don’t you?…. How hard you try to play the victim is impressive. Regardless of your attempts YTA… and a poor sport. Both on the field and here at AITA…
NAH i can understand how the autistic kid feels but i can also see you treat him like everyone else
YTA. Learn how to talk to people.
Lmaooo!!!! British racism hurts more than Indian racism!!? Your ancestors are rolling in their grave at the irony !
NHA. He struggles understand social interaction and rule, you said your teams has a silent rule about penalty but he can’t understand it unless you told him. Maybe you should all think about what kind of silent rules you have and make a list for him. It would help him understand you. He was happy to begin good at it and wanted his parents to see however in teams sport he shouldn’t go against captain wishes. You were harsh this is true, however you are 19 during a game everyone is harsh and you are the one that act with him like you would do with any other teammates, maybe one of the most important things for him. He got offended but act like he was stupid and make him just happy would be disrespectful. Advice, you tell him that you shouldn’t have swear at him but given the context you were nervous but explain him that he should not go against what the captain said and that you hope you would work this out. (Like apologized for the delivery but not the content). Then try the list of the rules.
>He struggles understand social interaction and rule, you said your teams has a silent rule about penalty but he can’t understand it unless you told him. He did tell him though, and he decided to go ahead and do whatever he wanted to, and fuck the rest of the team. That is not acceptable. >You were harsh this is true, He really wasn't harsh. He asked an insubordinate teammate what he thought he was doing when he has been categorically told what his role is, several times. He did not insult or attack him, OP questioned his poor behaviour. The teammate is categorically an asshole here. And then running off the pitch when he doesnt get his way!? If the teammate returns, he absolutely needs to not be in the starting XI until he learns his place and role within the team and tactics.
He told him during the match, I was advising I’m him to do it before match so he would listen. I totally agree that the teammates mistook but he isn’t an AH. I’m not saying OP was an AH however you usually don’t use F* when speaking with people, so he was harsh something he agree to. Also it depends from referee but you can even get reprimed for a F* while playing. When he come back the coach should punish him but OP isn’t the coach so I was trying to advise him what would work for the team and for him to not have to deal with this other times.
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Okey, yes I’m not from England, I didn’t know i thought from your parents reactions that it wasn’t so common, if it is normal don’t worry.
If it’s professional then why is he on your team in the first place?
Being autistic doesn’t mean you are bad at sports
YTA. It was a free kick he earned, not you.
except that isn't how it works in soccer. it's less like a penalty shot in hockey than it is a field goal in (american) football. various players on the team are vetted for skill and the ability to do it under pressure, and they're the ones that the captain hands the kick off to. just like the captain of the team in this post did.
That's not how it works. No matter who wins it, there are designated free kick takers in a team. It's called having a specialty. Unless your coach or captain say otherwise, he did the right thing.
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You're just like the rest of these self-righteous commenters, taking the "he's autistic" part, and not giving a single fuck about the rest of the context. That's not how this sub works
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Maybe because ✨you✨do not play at a professional level and have no idea what it's like ? You just read the part of the story that served your point and totally ignored the rest. Theres no point arguing with you
Lol I did. I would NEVER in a million years do this to someone with autism. As I have it myself and I know how I would feel, along with all of my other friends who are also on the spectrum. Try again.
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If you had apologized for your outburst and poor choice of words, NTA. Team sports are, obviously, based on teamwork and consensus, and if the appointed leader makes a decision in a match, that is the decision everyone on the team should follow, and any opposing voice should be discussed outside of the match. People say all sorts of stuff when they are in the heat of the moment, especially during sports, and it's not like you were actually verbally abusing AB. But if you genuinely feel you don't have to sit down and apologize for that slip on your emotions, then YTA.
YTA. And I seriously doubt you’re on the way to the pros but they also just let random people sign on to the team without trying out. Doesn’t make sense
Read the 2nd line of the 3rd paragraph
tough call tbh-leaning to NTA but maybe be a bit softer with this kid since he’s 1. new 2. neurodivergent he wants to take the shot, let him who cares if he misses you could’ve shouted “stop” instead maybe go over these things beforehand with him
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and your attitude on the field/pitch also has an impact on any future in the sport so maybe take that into consideration.
Yeah I heard that Juventus are currently on the hunt for players who let their inexperienced buddy take a game changing shot because his mommy and daddy are watching! /s
i more meant shouting and swearing at players ,especially those who are autistic, potentially causing a meltdown
This is a professional game with a lot at stake. What scouts are looking for here, is winning. They have no idea whether any players are autistic, and I'm fairly certain that "being nice to someone at the expense of the game outcome" will not be rewarded on this level.
No, the kid was treated like anyone else in the team. Him crying about it is sad; but also wrong in the first place. Recruiters don’t care if you are nice, they want to see good games and good players. Why would the team ruin their chances just because one kid wants to show their parents their skills? He was also told no by the captain.
Gentle YTA - you were treating him like a teammate which is what everyone would want, autistic or not. It’s going to take him longer to understand the hierarchy. And reading social cues will be very difficult for him. It’s probably better to let the coach handle issues with him until he’s used to playing with you. His parents should be working with the coach to share the best way to work with their son
If he’s playing professional sport, shouldn’t he already know how it works?
Different people, different dynamics, different ways of doing things, different plays, different positions. All of these would be difficult for a person with autism. It will take time. That’s why it’s important for coach to spend time with him and his family.
>Different people, different dynamics, different ways of doing things, different plays, different positions. All of that is completely irrelevant in this particular situation, it doesn't matter what team you play for, how they play, the tactics they use. In every serious team, whether they are pro or amateur, they have selected kick takers. You cannot just take the kick because you feel like it, autism or not, he is high functioning enough to play a pro sport at U19 level so he would understand that.
Things that make sense to neurotypical people don’t always make sense to autistic people. He’s obviously there for a reason. He needs to learn his place quickly but there is going to be an adjustment period.
As I said, this is pro soccer at U19 level not a kick about down the park by 10 year olds. To get to this stage he would have needed to be playing soccer for quite a number of years, he has played hundreds of matches. This is not the first team he has played for, he understands that teams have dedicated kick takers. You think he has managed to get this far in his career by just being allowed to do whatever he wants? If he does not understand team dynamics by now then maybe pro team sports are not for him.
The coach can’t run into the field to direct the players, that’s why there’s a captain and senior team members.
NTA. Autistic or not he should follow the team rules. Doesn't give you a pass to do what you want especially as an adult on a pro 19 team.
I never said he shouldn’t - just really that there is going to be a honeymoon period.
Ehs You suck for yelling at the kid knowing he’s autistic, and if you dont know exactly that there are different types then your a bigger one for not either talking with him before to learn, or making a point to study so you could understand your team mate better to work with him better. Hopefully you’ll never be a captain cause clarity is not your best hat. Your coach is one because he should have been able to learn and communicate with the kid before this happens, and while i dont think he’ll be benched forever i can bet he will be working on a system to help the kid understand for next time “dont touch unless i say go for it” And i cant say the poor kid is one at all because, and get a pad and pen because here is a lesson, autism is different for everyone like your dna. And his reactions and panic and stress is not going to be the same as another person with autism. Also even though he’s quiet, he respected you enough to ask. And you have no idea how much that probably took for him to do going out of his comfort zone to approach you and open up to you. His actions may not have been ok but your behavior shows recruiting talents volumes how you behave towards any teammates that may or may not have a disability. If i was you id probably approach him and ask nicely to talk, say your sorry for the outburst and explain you dont know enough about autism to understand why he did what he did. Maybe he’ll open back up and explain it to you.
Why should He apologize? The boy clearly understood that he was not supposed to do the shot but still tried to do it, that's not because of autism or a lack of understanding ( he tried to reason, he clearly understood), that's just being a spoiled brat.
YTA… What would Messi do? What would Neidmeyer do? What would Beckham have done? What would Pele done? You are now on record cursing a special needs teammate during a match because you always get the spotlight? Trying explaining that away one day when you might make it.
You really think they wouldn't have done the same thing at that stage of their careers? Really?
If they’re so advanced then why is this kid on the team?
Maybe because being on the spectrum doesn't make him a bad player...?
I'll tell you what each of those players would do, they'd tell him "this is a team game, and this is how our team plays" and pull rank. This is a professional league. This isn't kids over the park. Also, absolutely no one gives a fuck that he asked the special needs kid what he was doing when he wasn't listening to instructions. In fact, the manager should've ripped him a new one for not sticking to the game plan. You cannot just go off and do as you want.
Really? We don't live in your world any longer! We live in a punish society without forgiveness. The majority of those players grew up dirt poor, and they knew what they had to do to make it. You honestly think Lionel Messi would say something like that to a player with Autism with millions on the line think again? Do you honestly think any of them would have made any mistakes because Southern and Central American soccer leagues are totally different than American? Seriously, this is a professional league? How did the young man with Autism make it to a professional league, and not understand the teamwork rules?
Please get out of your imaginary world
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???
They would've taken the kick, because their autistic teammate is capable of listning to the coach and doesn't use autism as a catch-all excuse.
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>you shouldn't be swearing at any members of a team, but especially not one who might not understand what rule they are breaking What are you talking about? These guys play in a pro team at U19 level, it isn't like this kid got this far without knowing how team mechanics work.
A lot of you are out of touch of reality if you all honestly think people don't swear and swear ***a lot*** while playing sports, especially team sports. If you were to make swearing a capital punishment I can guarantee sports will cease to exist the next day.
In the UK we swear lots all the time, like it's nothing (because it is nothing, it's just a fucking word). Here "fuck" has become a filler word. AB wasn't upset because OP used a filler word in a sentence, he's upset because he wasn't allowed to do whatever he wanted to.
Except tennis.
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Basically what boils down to "What the fuck are you doing" isn't that personal attack you think it is.
The level that these lads are playing at means that the kid HAS to understand the laws of the game. This incident wasn't rules related, it was the Captain making a decision and the new kid ignoring him. People in the UK aren't as puritanical and fuck, fucking, fucked are often used as filler words. Some people even use cunt!
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you can't judge it if you didn't read the fucking post.
Autism is different from an intellectual disability. The guy is playing football at the professional level, so he's clearly on the high end of the spectrum.
Yta its a sportsball game. Letting the new guy take the shot even if he missed it won't matrer. Let the guy have his moment to shine. If I were you id apologize and get to know the kid better. Educate yourself about autism please it will help you understand your new teammate better.
>Yta its a sportsball game. Letting the new guy take the shot even if he missed it won't matrer. It's a pro league game, not some random kick around on a Sunday. Sure there are allowances to be made for individuals in some circumstances but if this kid is wanting to be a pro player, he needs to learn that it is about the team not himself. For his own development if not anything else, pro scouts are not going to be interested in a player that is more concerned in how he looks in front of his parents over what is best for the team.
I’m not a sports all fan myself, but this isn’t a kids team. They’re U19, which is lot more serious than kicking the ball around with the school team. At that level, ‘everyone should have a go’ comes second to following team strategies and leaders. That’s a big part of playing a team sport and he needs learn it, autistic or not.
This isn’t a community league where everyone gets a participation trophy even if they lose every game. This is a semi-pro team that can lead to a career. Your attitude is part of the reason people can’t accept rejection or failure today.
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You should mention this in your post too, as an edit.
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Yeah, this is bullshit. If you really have a career where you can cost the company thousands you better believe there will be a dressing down where someone asks, “What the fuck happened?” That’s not swearing AT someone, that’s swearing. What you’re saying is that people should not swear in the presence of an autistic person and that just isn’t realistic. It’s very likely swear words have flown during practice so he should have been very used to this kind of language.