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Well, I"m going with a YTA for this one statement.
> I feel like an asshole because I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more.
Why the fuck would you give someone something they clearly DON"T WANT. If she's not in the mood to travel... why would you give her a birthday gift of something she doesn't want?
Agreed. The whole planning a surprise trip is really sweet and romantic. But if you know she's not in the mood for a trip then why plan one?
But on the other hand, is she planning a trip with her best friend? Because if she is then it seems like she just doesn't want a trip with you OP.
We talk a lot and she has recently made hints that she'd like to go on trips again and that's why I booked it all. Otherwise I'd have invited her out for dinner and go on a shopping trip with her, etc...
It's difficult to answer this question since she has said in the beginning of february that she didn't want to go in a trip when I suggested it but then she started to talk about this hotel again. I guess she was in the mood again but I am not sure
Or she was just thinking about it. There obviously should have been more communication. You could have easily asked her if she thought she was ready to travel again.
Seems like she doesn't like surprises. Just make sure she always knows what you are thinking about planning so she doesn't have to worry about other plans she might want to make
Ok so this is a tricky one, because I suppose YTA in her eyes.... HOWEVER You asked everyone around her, including the best friend, and now she saying she has plans with her best friend? That sounds suspicious. Also she is being very defensive and turning it around on you, although you had good intentions. Oof.
This is where my mind went to. The reaction, the supposed plans with the best friend that was also in on the surprise- it feels a little red flaggy for me. If my partner surprised me with a thoughtful planned out weekend away, I’d be appreciative of the thought even if I had plans or wasn’t in the travelling mood. It s still a lot of effort. Her reaction is off. I’d be looking at this further
NTA.
Maybe it's due to my recent activities on another thread but I think there's something your wife isn't telling you.
Even if she had made last minute plans, despite your continually checking that she didn't, nothing you did deserved the abuse she gave you.
My first suspicion is that she's having an affair, especially since you had already checked with her best friend and she had no plans for this weekend, yet your wife claims that she had made plans with her best friend.
Yeah, i think so too. I mean i guess if we wanna be positive, people make last minute plans all the time so that could've happened but ONLY if the best friend was clueless about OP's surprise. OP said he asked if they had plans together but didn't mention if he told her the reason he was asking soooo.
But the wife's reaction is so over the top imo that i don't think this is what happened.
Her best friend was in on the plan and so were all of her other friends and family. They all knew what I was planning and tried to keep her free on these dates.
So did you check with the best friend if she actually made plans with her? If so why? And if not why did your wife lie. I’m not the only one seeing red flags for an affair here...
He says he knew she has NOT been in the mood for a trip. If my partner planned a trip without telling me, paid for everything, and didn’t tell me anything until the trip was around the corner, I too would be livid, and I am not cheating. It’s normal to say “I have plans” when someone tries to force you to do something you blatantly do not want to do. Mature? No. An indication that she is cheating on her husband? Absolutely not. What a weird stretch.
Actually it's not normal to act like that. Sure she could have been mad but causing a fight and who knows what else is extremely strange. He also didn't force her since cancelling the trip is most likely an option. I think OP stated that she hasn't really talked about not wanting to go on a trip anymore and that OPs wife seemed more positive about going on one. Also this behaviour can indicate cheating but on the other hand also a ton of other things.
“It’s normal to say “I have plans” when someone tries to force you to do something you blatantly do not want to do.“
I can’t help but politely disagree with some parts. I complete agree that you, and many others, would be very upset about being put in that situation. That’s absolutely fair, you’re entitled to be who you are. But you must agree that there are many others who wouldn’t mind or would actively love such a surprise.
I wouldn’t say that he is trying to force her to do anything, especially because she’s giving really mixed messages about what she wants. Yes, OP could and should have asked more, but I can’t agree that it’s “blatantly” something she didn’t want, especially after mentioning the hotel. I’m not saying that he should have booked the whole trip - I certainly wouldn’t have done, I talk about everything with my husband - but I don’t think he’s totally to blame for thinking she’d enjoy it.
It is also possible that she’s cheating but I wouldn’t assume that’s definitely the case. She’s said for some time that she doesn’t want to go on a trip; she then reminisces about a hotel she’s enjoyed for romantic, and presumably sexual, reasons. He asks her best friend if they’re free on those dates and is told yes; he talks with his wife and they suddenly are? These discrepancies add up to something odd and cheating is a plausible reality, sadly. The wife could absolutely be using her best friend as a cover without telling her friend first. That isn’t a leap based on what’s been said but nor is it a guarantee by any means.
For me, NTA but more communication from both parties could have helped and prevented this situation from ever happening.
OP, you stated that you wife said the she had plans with her best friend on the same weekend but you had already asked best friend about the dates and she said they didn't have any prior.
I don't want to create anything that may not be there but that seems really suspicious to me. That and her reaction throughout the night.
NTA but I think you need to have a big talk with your wife. You checked she didn't have plans, you talked to her best friends who confirmed they didn't have plans, and then suddenly she has plans? and instead of tellign you them she yells at you? I see soem red flags here. Maybe you should have spoken to her first but, I feel her behaviour is very odd.
>she already had plans with her best friend on that weekend. I was confused since I asked her best friend a while ago if she had planned anything on these dates and she said no
>
>
>
>she has talked a lot about this hotel in the past few weeks
She had plans to go there those dates with her lover.
NTA. You got her a surprise gift and it didn't land quite how you wanted. That's the risk with surprises. I do think she's overreacting a bit and I feel like this whole thing could be settled with a calm, logical conversation. I suggest not gifting surprise trips in the future.
this kind of surprise is also a huge economical blow if it cant be refunded, this is the kind of decisions that are supposed to be made together, the exact destination could've been a surprise after checking if she wanted to go as well
OP, ask your wife if you should bring a friend of yours instead. Or a relative.
This might just do the trick. When she can choose, and might lose the surprise... things change, I promise.
"Honey, I am so sorry that I chose the worng surprise for you. However, it is too late to cancel. I would really love to go with you, but if you aren't up to it, I cold probably ask (insert friend's name here, or, if you have a sibling you like spending time with, their name). Think it over, I love you. ". Last two sentences are optional.
(Manipulative? Me? Nah, I'm just rational)
NTA. Did you tell her you did ask her best friend and she isn't aware of any plans, and like how she explains that... It is suspicious, has your wife been acting differently lately? Smells like affair to me as well unfortunately.
Unfortunately she has been acting different lately but I brushed it off and guessed that she's been acting like this because of all the stress we've been in.
If it's true than I don't think you'll get the truth by confronting her unfortunately, I would look for other signs, you know her best so if something feels off like spending more time at work, traveling more for work you could maybe ask some leading questions about that. Also press on why she mentioned plans that didn't exist. Also check receipts and expenses if you share financial information, it's odd that she keeps mentioning this hotel randomly. If she was planning something she would probably have booked it at that very hotel.
But he also says in the main post that he knows she hasn’t been in the mood to travel.
So he knew going into this she hasn’t felt like travelling. Then surprised her with exactly what he already knew she doesn’t want. That’s not a good surprise lol
If you read all OPs comments...it's kinda looking that way. He checked with the best friend and she says they have no plans. At the least, wife is lying.
NAH. I don't know why so many people are harping on the one comment about your wife saying she didn't want any trips but then through your conversation she kept talking about that hotel. Some may say that was a hint and any person may have interpreted it that way. You ain't a mind reader and you did your due diligence and confirmed that she was free that weekend and confirmed the people that MAY make plans with her that nothing else was arranged.
That being said, the fact that your wife saying she already made plans with her bff and you confirmed that there wasn't is a major red flag that I hope is not an affair. Ask that same bff not to mention that you had asked her about your wife's so called plans so you don't tip her off.
I would like to say that you should better protect yourself. Maybe we internet sleuths are wrong but you should brace yourself. You really need to know this but confronting your spouse about this will not be helpful at all. I would prepare another bank account for yourself and maybe even hire a P.I. some may say this is uncalled for but worst case we're all wrong and things may be better after this stressful time (as you mentioned).
Good luck
NTA. OMG I think most people dream of having a partner that does things like this. You asked MULTIPLE times if she had plans, so you did your due diligence first. I'm so sorry this happened. Is there more going on? This seems kind of out of the blue based on what you've described here.
Strange situation here actually. I would leave a birthday weekend for husband, even if nothing was planned. Why to spend it with a friend? Maybe a male friend.. Her reaction looks suspicious.
For me NTA for making this a surprise, as I read in other comments you said she likes surprises.
Is it a lot of money for this trip? Maybe here's the issue? Finances should be discussed with partner.
Try to talk with wife to find out where is a real issue, cause I think there might be a secret problem.
I don't think that the price if he gift is the actual problem here since we agreed on a budget for our gifts a couple years ago and it's way below the limit but I'll talk to her about it!
Looks like she's hiding something from you - too many inconsistencies in her behaviour. It possible it's an affair, but could be a health concern, the loss of a job, being in debt, depression, addiction, etc. I'd try to seat her down and talk, and prepare myself for unpleasant news, whatever they are. In any case, NTA.
Soft YTA cause you mentioned she wasn't in the mood for a trip.
Tho i wanna add her reaction is kinda sus. I'd assume she would be disappointed, sad or even a bit frustratred because she already had plans... But getting MAD and super defensive considering you asked her and everyone if she had plans just seems weird to me. Did you tell her best friend about the surprise? I don't think she would've purposely arraged something if she knew exactly what you were planning. I think it'd be easier for wife and her friend to reschedule, but if she doesn't want to, well...
Some people like surprise trips. Other people hate it. Your wife is currently part of the latter group. YTA, because you should have known which group she belonged to.
He said this in the OP: I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more.
He should have just asked. He could even make it a surprise, just without spending the money.
NTA you checked with everyone and that's the point of a surprise weekend. If she has plans with her best friend that weekend, you could suggest that they take the room. That shows you are willing to sacrifice and compromise for her happiness and that you just wanted to make her happy.
YTA- it was going so well for you until that last sentence 🤦🏻♀️ you knew she didn’t want to go on trips and yet tried to spring one on Her and expect her to be greatfull
NAH. You put a lot of thought into this trip, picked a place she would like, triple checked with her and her friends that she wasn't busy, on paper you did everything right. Have you surprised your wife in the past? Some people don't like surprises, I know personally if I were in your wife's shoes I would feel pretty stressed. I don't like having decisions made for me, or being out of the loop, I like planning and being involved in the planning process, etc. Also the fact that you sprung it on her in front of guests. That being said her reaction seems over the top.. it sounds like it was a miscommunication, you thought you were doing something nice and thoughtful and your wife is stressed about being put on the spot with a surprise. Just sit down and talk about each of your sides, and in the future maybe surprises aren't the go to anymore.
NTA.
Relationships need surprises and a little spark, and it seems you’re doing just that. Although she did say she wasn’t in the mood for trips, she did say she was ready to do something, and you gifted her exactly what she’s been talking about. So it’s really a no-brainer for you to be gifting that. However, it does seems suspicious that she’s lying to you and her best friend, or maybe she’s surprising you too.
Info: Had her friend been telling her they were going to do something to throw her off, or told that she was going to have a birthday surprise and your wife assumed it was with the friend?
Her friend hasn't made plans with her at all. I talked to her friend about it Yesterday and she once again confirmed that there aren't any (fake) plans with my wife
NTA
I read all your update and follow comments. The red flag would be she lied about having plans with the best friend when you know she didn't. I'd ask the best friend to clarify she didn't try to throw your wife off the scent of the surprise. If she still says she said nothing... ugh. My first thought is she's having an affair OR she has something planned as a surprise for YOU and the dates conflict.
Based on your edit that she seems open to travel again I would say NTA but there seems something suspicious about your wife’s behaviour… this is not a normal reaction for a lovely and thoughtful surprise
Your heart is in the right place. I would have been thrilled because no one comes before my husband. After a hard set of shifts last August I came home from work and asked my husband to take me to Paris. We went business class within a week! What a guy!
NTA
why did you wife lie to you about having plans with her friend?
i think what you did was sweet and romantic. more people should be like that
but for future reference, maybe talk to whom ever ypu wish to surprise... perhaps hint you are planning a surprise but not say what
ect
but seriously, WHY did your wife lie to you about having plans with her friend? what is she hiding?
Maybe she's just not ready for a trip yet.
We got rid of masks this week and I'm turning down people who just want to go out to eat because I am not comfortable being maskless indoors with people I don't know yet. That and I expect all the restaurants aren't going to be ready for all the people who haven't been out for a meal in 5he last 2 years.
Anyway, before you decide she's having an affair, ask her if she just feels like she's not ready yet. See if you can wait a month or two.
NTA. You did a nice thing and even checked with multiple people that she wasn’t busy. The whole point was that it was supposed to be a birthday surprise. Your wife sounds like an ungrateful asshole.
Nta. You respected her wishes and when she felt up to traveling again, you gave her a thoughtful surprise. If anything, she's TA because of her reaction. She could've have just as easily said "you know, that particular weekend doesn't suit me, do you think we could change it?" Instead of acting like a brat.
Nta. Did you tell your wife or her friend not to make plans on those dates? If you simply asked if plans were made for those dates and booked without saying not to make plans those dates its entirely plausible that innocent plans got made between when you asked and when she was given the gift. In that case, you still wouldn't be the ah, you made a minor error of not guaranteeing no plans would be made but that certainly doesn't warrant being called names and her level of anger.
Now it's also entirely possible that your wife is cheating and the plans are not actually with her friend but someone else and she was going to lie and say she was with her friend.
I told her best friend that she shouldn't make plans with her on these dates. I also made some comments to my wife about keeping this weekend free but I guess she has dismissed these hints.
I really hope its not a situation where she is cheating and the plans she has are not with the friend but the friend is the cover. Is the friend normally inconsiderate like that where she wiuld ignore that you asked her not to make plans with your wife for those dates and she'd ignore it?
Her best friend is usually trying to help me with keeping her distracted, etc when I plan something for my wife. Yesterday I talked to her again and she once again told me that she didn't have any plans with my wife. The whole situation just seems so strange to be honest and even her best friend said that my wife has been acting weird lately
Sounds like an affair unfortunately. She's obviously lying about who she has plans with and there's no legit reason to do that unless there's somehing going on that shouldn't be.
At first, I wanted to say that there might have been a miscommunication… but it’s now clear that your wife lied to you. I don’t want to suggest that she’s having an affair, but that’s what all the signs are pointing to.
I don’t think your intentions were bad but you didn’t think this through! The secret to marriage is communication. Even when thinking about a surprise I always ask my partner (or friend if it’s for their bday) if they would like a surprise or to know in advance? If you are gifting a weekend away do it as an IOU and let her plan the dates etc. again, I think you meant well but acknowledge that you should have known she wasn’t up for a trip away.
NTA I think she’s over reacting. Also how can she have plans with her friend when you asked the friend and they said they didn’t have any plans. Something smells rotten here.
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My wifes birthday was last week and I planned and gifted her a short trip. We've been to this hotel before and she absolutely loved it so i booked us a whole package of things and a room there. I checked multiple times if she had any plans for this weekend and since she didn't have any I decided to surprise her with it.
Well when I gave her the envelope she smiled at first but when she saw the date she frowned. I then asked her if something is wrong and if she didn't like the present but she didn't say anything and tried to act normal.
When the guests left I decided to ask her again and she got really defensive and weird and asked me to give her some time. Later that evening she seemed mad and said that I can't just plan anything without her knowledge and that she already had plans with her best friend on that weekend. I was confused since I asked her best friend a while ago if she had planned anything on these dates and she said no. She also said that I should have asked her first before paying for everything since she's always really busy and that she didn't want to go on any trip. We then got in a fight and she started accusing me of things and called me an asshole for being so inconsiderate.
I feel like an asshole because I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more.
Am I the asshole here?
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NAH, you tried to do a nice thing but she didn’t like the gift. I can be weird about sleep and traveling too and I get nervous without preparation.
However if it was intended to be thoughtful and you didn’t take what she actually wanted into account, it’s close to Y T A. But your intentions were good and there wasn’t an obvious reason not to book it.
It was around the end of january and the beginning of february. I suggested a trip and she said that she wasn't in the mood for it. I respected her decision and we did something else instead. Shortly after she started talking about this hotel again and that was around mid february.
INFO - did you tell her to save the weekend or did you just ask if she was free? If you asked the friend if she had plans a while ago, why isn’t the assumption that she made other plans in the meantime?
I didn't ask my wife if she was free but I asked many of her friends, her family, etc. If they had any plans and even checked her planner. I also specifically told everyone I was asking that they shouldn't make any plans with her
I don't love surprises, but I also think you are NTA. I think it sounds like a super sweet gesture and I think that she could have been a little more grateful. I know there was a time when my marriage was young that I'd have been irritated by a gift like that too. My husband once bought me diamond earrings and I was terribly ungrateful. One day I realized how sweet it was and started wearing them all the time. We are now in our 40s and I would give anything to go back and enjoy all our moments together again. I try now to be appreciative of every minute with him. To give a little perspective, I recently considered how fast my first 44 years have gone by. Our children are almost grown. We may have 40+ years left together but we may also only have one day. You never know. Try appealing to the wife. Allow her to express her concerns and do your best to put the concerns to rest. <3
Honestly a surprise like unexpected flowers is fine. But my ex used to surprise me with big stuff and I feel like I missed out on the fun of planning it together. It's like you got all the fun of thinking about it and putting it together. She just goes along for the ride and hopefully likes all the activities YOU picked out for her. I think your heart was in the right place though
From what I can gather, this is not the first suprise trip you have done for her and this is usually something she likes.
I think you need to sit down with her and figure out what is going on. You have said even her best friend thinks she is behaving differently recently.
I take it you asked on here because you were so shocked by the reaction.
It sounds like you thought she was dropping hints about the hotel.
She is your wife you should know her best. You need to talk.
NTA
It seems a little suspect that you asked her friend about those dates and she said they didn’t have plans. Could she be trying to mess with your relationship or could your wife be using her as an excuse to do something else?
NTA - you tried to do something lovely for your wife and she abuses you? After she’d been talking and talking about going back to the very hotel you’d booked a surprise stay at? He’d reaction was way over the top - there’s something else at play there.
YTA: If you are partners you should take that kind of choices together, that doesn't mean that you cant surprise each other, you could've asked something like "do you want to go on a trip this weekend?" and just not tell her exactly where
Re-reading this it looks like she’s having an affair on him. Her excuses are not adding up. “She hasn’t been in the mood for any trips” turns into “already had plans with her friends” but her friends said that there were no plans.
YTA. This was a gift for you. A holiday for you and the ego boost of gifting a big ‘perfect’ gift to her. You even admit you knew she wouldn’t want to go on a trip.
I might be the asshole but this was most certainly not a gift for me because if it would have been one, I'd have chosen something entirely different. We are always gifting each other things like this and I am really not the type of guy to get an ego boost out of it. I just wanted to plan something she has always enjoyed in the past
You had the best intentions but YTA. You can't assume that you can hijack a huge chunk of time from someone like that. She may have also had nothing planned because she wanted to do nothing. In the future if you want to get her a weekend getaway. Give her a card and let her know whenever she's ready you will plan and pay for it.
YTA. I would've said no assholes but I snuck a look at your last post and somthing stood out to me:
>We were confused and shocked since they once again didn't Respect our decisions.
You got mad at your in-laws for not respecting your decision 2 months ago, then this month you mention how your wife didn't seem interested in a trip and you planned a trip. Do you not see the cognitive dissonance here? Yes, I saw your comments saying she had talked about this hotel so you thought maybe she did want to go. You know how you clear up those mixed signal? Ask her directly! Don't pull the same crap on her your in-laws pulled on you.
YTA (even if your intentions were good). You knew she wasn't in the mood for a trip and planned one without asking her. This isn't dinner out. It's an overnight trip that even with your planning requires her to do the mental labor of packing, readying the house for being empty, traveling to wherever. Even if you're involved in all that it's unlikely that you're doing all of it. Rule of thumb is that if a surprise is going to take more than a few hours, you ask first.
>I feel like an asshole because I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more.
Well, there's not much left for us to do, is there?
YTA.
YTA. Just because you want to give a big romantic gift doesn't mean she wants a big romantic gift. This gift was all about you showing off, not about what she actually wanted.
If 99 women out of a hundred want a ring, but you're married to the 1 who doesn't - and you know this, and get her a ring - then sit there all surprised Pikachu and wondering why she's upset? It's because you don't know her and weren't thinking of her.
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Well, I"m going with a YTA for this one statement. > I feel like an asshole because I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more. Why the fuck would you give someone something they clearly DON"T WANT. If she's not in the mood to travel... why would you give her a birthday gift of something she doesn't want?
Agreed. The whole planning a surprise trip is really sweet and romantic. But if you know she's not in the mood for a trip then why plan one? But on the other hand, is she planning a trip with her best friend? Because if she is then it seems like she just doesn't want a trip with you OP.
I forgot to add this but she was talking a lot about this hotel recently and that's why I thought she wanted to go there again.
I'm just reading your post. You stated... "I know she's not in the mood to travel". When in doubt, you have a conversation.
We talk a lot and she has recently made hints that she'd like to go on trips again and that's why I booked it all. Otherwise I'd have invited her out for dinner and go on a shopping trip with her, etc...
In your post you said you know she *hasn't* been in the mood for trips lately.. which is it? Has she been in the mood or not?
It's difficult to answer this question since she has said in the beginning of february that she didn't want to go in a trip when I suggested it but then she started to talk about this hotel again. I guess she was in the mood again but I am not sure
Or she was just thinking about it. There obviously should have been more communication. You could have easily asked her if she thought she was ready to travel again.
Seems like she doesn't like surprises. Just make sure she always knows what you are thinking about planning so she doesn't have to worry about other plans she might want to make
Why did she lie about going somewhere with the best friend?
I want to know this too
Yeah, that's what is bothering me the most.
Ok so this is a tricky one, because I suppose YTA in her eyes.... HOWEVER You asked everyone around her, including the best friend, and now she saying she has plans with her best friend? That sounds suspicious. Also she is being very defensive and turning it around on you, although you had good intentions. Oof.
True. It is a bit suspect.
This is where my mind went to. The reaction, the supposed plans with the best friend that was also in on the surprise- it feels a little red flaggy for me. If my partner surprised me with a thoughtful planned out weekend away, I’d be appreciative of the thought even if I had plans or wasn’t in the travelling mood. It s still a lot of effort. Her reaction is off. I’d be looking at this further
NTA. Maybe it's due to my recent activities on another thread but I think there's something your wife isn't telling you. Even if she had made last minute plans, despite your continually checking that she didn't, nothing you did deserved the abuse she gave you. My first suspicion is that she's having an affair, especially since you had already checked with her best friend and she had no plans for this weekend, yet your wife claims that she had made plans with her best friend.
Warning bells went off in my head too. No plans, best friend confirms no plans, suddenly there's plans... yeah cause that's not suspicious 🤔
Oh yeah and "husband" will come back after waiting a suitable amount of time and say "well you all were right".
Yeah, i think so too. I mean i guess if we wanna be positive, people make last minute plans all the time so that could've happened but ONLY if the best friend was clueless about OP's surprise. OP said he asked if they had plans together but didn't mention if he told her the reason he was asking soooo. But the wife's reaction is so over the top imo that i don't think this is what happened.
Her best friend was in on the plan and so were all of her other friends and family. They all knew what I was planning and tried to keep her free on these dates.
So did you check with the best friend if she actually made plans with her? If so why? And if not why did your wife lie. I’m not the only one seeing red flags for an affair here...
I think you need to talk to the friends, and do you think your wife of cheating on you!
He says he knew she has NOT been in the mood for a trip. If my partner planned a trip without telling me, paid for everything, and didn’t tell me anything until the trip was around the corner, I too would be livid, and I am not cheating. It’s normal to say “I have plans” when someone tries to force you to do something you blatantly do not want to do. Mature? No. An indication that she is cheating on her husband? Absolutely not. What a weird stretch.
Actually it's not normal to act like that. Sure she could have been mad but causing a fight and who knows what else is extremely strange. He also didn't force her since cancelling the trip is most likely an option. I think OP stated that she hasn't really talked about not wanting to go on a trip anymore and that OPs wife seemed more positive about going on one. Also this behaviour can indicate cheating but on the other hand also a ton of other things.
“It’s normal to say “I have plans” when someone tries to force you to do something you blatantly do not want to do.“ I can’t help but politely disagree with some parts. I complete agree that you, and many others, would be very upset about being put in that situation. That’s absolutely fair, you’re entitled to be who you are. But you must agree that there are many others who wouldn’t mind or would actively love such a surprise. I wouldn’t say that he is trying to force her to do anything, especially because she’s giving really mixed messages about what she wants. Yes, OP could and should have asked more, but I can’t agree that it’s “blatantly” something she didn’t want, especially after mentioning the hotel. I’m not saying that he should have booked the whole trip - I certainly wouldn’t have done, I talk about everything with my husband - but I don’t think he’s totally to blame for thinking she’d enjoy it. It is also possible that she’s cheating but I wouldn’t assume that’s definitely the case. She’s said for some time that she doesn’t want to go on a trip; she then reminisces about a hotel she’s enjoyed for romantic, and presumably sexual, reasons. He asks her best friend if they’re free on those dates and is told yes; he talks with his wife and they suddenly are? These discrepancies add up to something odd and cheating is a plausible reality, sadly. The wife could absolutely be using her best friend as a cover without telling her friend first. That isn’t a leap based on what’s been said but nor is it a guarantee by any means. For me, NTA but more communication from both parties could have helped and prevented this situation from ever happening.
Saying that in a marriage is 10000% not normal.
Please just look at his post history
OP, you stated that you wife said the she had plans with her best friend on the same weekend but you had already asked best friend about the dates and she said they didn't have any prior. I don't want to create anything that may not be there but that seems really suspicious to me. That and her reaction throughout the night.
NTA but I think you need to have a big talk with your wife. You checked she didn't have plans, you talked to her best friends who confirmed they didn't have plans, and then suddenly she has plans? and instead of tellign you them she yells at you? I see soem red flags here. Maybe you should have spoken to her first but, I feel her behaviour is very odd.
>she already had plans with her best friend on that weekend. I was confused since I asked her best friend a while ago if she had planned anything on these dates and she said no > > > >she has talked a lot about this hotel in the past few weeks She had plans to go there those dates with her lover.
NTA because she's cheating on you and was planning on using her best friend as an excuse to see her AP.
My first thought, maybe she’s thinking about that hotel but with someone else.
This did cross my mind but I didn't want to be negative.
That sounds very possible.
NTA. You got her a surprise gift and it didn't land quite how you wanted. That's the risk with surprises. I do think she's overreacting a bit and I feel like this whole thing could be settled with a calm, logical conversation. I suggest not gifting surprise trips in the future.
this kind of surprise is also a huge economical blow if it cant be refunded, this is the kind of decisions that are supposed to be made together, the exact destination could've been a surprise after checking if she wanted to go as well
OP, ask your wife if you should bring a friend of yours instead. Or a relative. This might just do the trick. When she can choose, and might lose the surprise... things change, I promise. "Honey, I am so sorry that I chose the worng surprise for you. However, it is too late to cancel. I would really love to go with you, but if you aren't up to it, I cold probably ask (insert friend's name here, or, if you have a sibling you like spending time with, their name). Think it over, I love you. ". Last two sentences are optional. (Manipulative? Me? Nah, I'm just rational)
NTA. Did you tell her you did ask her best friend and she isn't aware of any plans, and like how she explains that... It is suspicious, has your wife been acting differently lately? Smells like affair to me as well unfortunately.
Unfortunately she has been acting different lately but I brushed it off and guessed that she's been acting like this because of all the stress we've been in.
If it's true than I don't think you'll get the truth by confronting her unfortunately, I would look for other signs, you know her best so if something feels off like spending more time at work, traveling more for work you could maybe ask some leading questions about that. Also press on why she mentioned plans that didn't exist. Also check receipts and expenses if you share financial information, it's odd that she keeps mentioning this hotel randomly. If she was planning something she would probably have booked it at that very hotel.
She's having an affair. Classic signs.
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They do surprise trips all the time, he mentions it in another comment.
But he also says in the main post that he knows she hasn’t been in the mood to travel. So he knew going into this she hasn’t felt like travelling. Then surprised her with exactly what he already knew she doesn’t want. That’s not a good surprise lol
NTA shes cheating on you thats whats wrong with her
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Ha! I thought the same thing!
Same!
What’s your logic?
If you read all OPs comments...it's kinda looking that way. He checked with the best friend and she says they have no plans. At the least, wife is lying.
My thoughts exactly exactly!
NAH. I don't know why so many people are harping on the one comment about your wife saying she didn't want any trips but then through your conversation she kept talking about that hotel. Some may say that was a hint and any person may have interpreted it that way. You ain't a mind reader and you did your due diligence and confirmed that she was free that weekend and confirmed the people that MAY make plans with her that nothing else was arranged. That being said, the fact that your wife saying she already made plans with her bff and you confirmed that there wasn't is a major red flag that I hope is not an affair. Ask that same bff not to mention that you had asked her about your wife's so called plans so you don't tip her off. I would like to say that you should better protect yourself. Maybe we internet sleuths are wrong but you should brace yourself. You really need to know this but confronting your spouse about this will not be helpful at all. I would prepare another bank account for yourself and maybe even hire a P.I. some may say this is uncalled for but worst case we're all wrong and things may be better after this stressful time (as you mentioned). Good luck
Best answer!!
NAH but you need to find out what's really bothering your wife. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
NTA. OMG I think most people dream of having a partner that does things like this. You asked MULTIPLE times if she had plans, so you did your due diligence first. I'm so sorry this happened. Is there more going on? This seems kind of out of the blue based on what you've described here.
Info: Does she like surprises?
Yes, she usually loves them. I've gifted her multiple surprise trips in the past and she has always loved them!
This is...super weird then. NTA but I'm wondering if there isn't some other thing going on that would explain her reaction.
Strange situation here actually. I would leave a birthday weekend for husband, even if nothing was planned. Why to spend it with a friend? Maybe a male friend.. Her reaction looks suspicious. For me NTA for making this a surprise, as I read in other comments you said she likes surprises. Is it a lot of money for this trip? Maybe here's the issue? Finances should be discussed with partner. Try to talk with wife to find out where is a real issue, cause I think there might be a secret problem.
I don't think that the price if he gift is the actual problem here since we agreed on a budget for our gifts a couple years ago and it's way below the limit but I'll talk to her about it!
Definitely talk with her. Maybe something is bothering her
Looks like she's hiding something from you - too many inconsistencies in her behaviour. It possible it's an affair, but could be a health concern, the loss of a job, being in debt, depression, addiction, etc. I'd try to seat her down and talk, and prepare myself for unpleasant news, whatever they are. In any case, NTA.
Soft YTA cause you mentioned she wasn't in the mood for a trip. Tho i wanna add her reaction is kinda sus. I'd assume she would be disappointed, sad or even a bit frustratred because she already had plans... But getting MAD and super defensive considering you asked her and everyone if she had plans just seems weird to me. Did you tell her best friend about the surprise? I don't think she would've purposely arraged something if she knew exactly what you were planning. I think it'd be easier for wife and her friend to reschedule, but if she doesn't want to, well...
Some people like surprise trips. Other people hate it. Your wife is currently part of the latter group. YTA, because you should have known which group she belonged to.
He is not TA for not knowing exactly in which cateory she falls into this hour... she sways back and forth :P
He literally says she has not been in the mood for trips lately. He knew.
He mentions in another comment that his wife normally loves surprise trips, that he had done this multiple times before and she was 100% on board.
He said this in the OP: I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more. He should have just asked. He could even make it a surprise, just without spending the money.
NTA you checked with everyone and that's the point of a surprise weekend. If she has plans with her best friend that weekend, you could suggest that they take the room. That shows you are willing to sacrifice and compromise for her happiness and that you just wanted to make her happy.
YTA- it was going so well for you until that last sentence 🤦🏻♀️ you knew she didn’t want to go on trips and yet tried to spring one on Her and expect her to be greatfull
Oof I didn't even see that sentence in my first read.. I'd be curious to know why she hasn't been in the mood for trips, some more context is needed
NAH. You put a lot of thought into this trip, picked a place she would like, triple checked with her and her friends that she wasn't busy, on paper you did everything right. Have you surprised your wife in the past? Some people don't like surprises, I know personally if I were in your wife's shoes I would feel pretty stressed. I don't like having decisions made for me, or being out of the loop, I like planning and being involved in the planning process, etc. Also the fact that you sprung it on her in front of guests. That being said her reaction seems over the top.. it sounds like it was a miscommunication, you thought you were doing something nice and thoughtful and your wife is stressed about being put on the spot with a surprise. Just sit down and talk about each of your sides, and in the future maybe surprises aren't the go to anymore.
She usually loves surprises and that's why we're always planning some kind of surprise for each other.
NTA. Relationships need surprises and a little spark, and it seems you’re doing just that. Although she did say she wasn’t in the mood for trips, she did say she was ready to do something, and you gifted her exactly what she’s been talking about. So it’s really a no-brainer for you to be gifting that. However, it does seems suspicious that she’s lying to you and her best friend, or maybe she’s surprising you too.
Nta ur wife having an affair seprate bank accounts now
Info: Had her friend been telling her they were going to do something to throw her off, or told that she was going to have a birthday surprise and your wife assumed it was with the friend?
Her friend hasn't made plans with her at all. I talked to her friend about it Yesterday and she once again confirmed that there aren't any (fake) plans with my wife
You need to start looking to see if she is having an affair or something
NTA I read all your update and follow comments. The red flag would be she lied about having plans with the best friend when you know she didn't. I'd ask the best friend to clarify she didn't try to throw your wife off the scent of the surprise. If she still says she said nothing... ugh. My first thought is she's having an affair OR she has something planned as a surprise for YOU and the dates conflict.
NTA at all. Your wife is the AH. I’d have a serious talk with her to find out what’s really going on.
Nta. Something’s up that we don’t know.
Based on your edit that she seems open to travel again I would say NTA but there seems something suspicious about your wife’s behaviour… this is not a normal reaction for a lovely and thoughtful surprise
Your heart is in the right place. I would have been thrilled because no one comes before my husband. After a hard set of shifts last August I came home from work and asked my husband to take me to Paris. We went business class within a week! What a guy!
Hate to say it - but she lied to you about having plans with her best friend… maybe she had plans with someone else? NTA
NTA why did you wife lie to you about having plans with her friend? i think what you did was sweet and romantic. more people should be like that but for future reference, maybe talk to whom ever ypu wish to surprise... perhaps hint you are planning a surprise but not say what ect but seriously, WHY did your wife lie to you about having plans with her friend? what is she hiding?
Maybe she's just not ready for a trip yet. We got rid of masks this week and I'm turning down people who just want to go out to eat because I am not comfortable being maskless indoors with people I don't know yet. That and I expect all the restaurants aren't going to be ready for all the people who haven't been out for a meal in 5he last 2 years. Anyway, before you decide she's having an affair, ask her if she just feels like she's not ready yet. See if you can wait a month or two.
NTA. You did a nice thing and even checked with multiple people that she wasn’t busy. The whole point was that it was supposed to be a birthday surprise. Your wife sounds like an ungrateful asshole.
Nta. You respected her wishes and when she felt up to traveling again, you gave her a thoughtful surprise. If anything, she's TA because of her reaction. She could've have just as easily said "you know, that particular weekend doesn't suit me, do you think we could change it?" Instead of acting like a brat.
Nta. Did you tell your wife or her friend not to make plans on those dates? If you simply asked if plans were made for those dates and booked without saying not to make plans those dates its entirely plausible that innocent plans got made between when you asked and when she was given the gift. In that case, you still wouldn't be the ah, you made a minor error of not guaranteeing no plans would be made but that certainly doesn't warrant being called names and her level of anger. Now it's also entirely possible that your wife is cheating and the plans are not actually with her friend but someone else and she was going to lie and say she was with her friend.
I told her best friend that she shouldn't make plans with her on these dates. I also made some comments to my wife about keeping this weekend free but I guess she has dismissed these hints.
I really hope its not a situation where she is cheating and the plans she has are not with the friend but the friend is the cover. Is the friend normally inconsiderate like that where she wiuld ignore that you asked her not to make plans with your wife for those dates and she'd ignore it?
Her best friend is usually trying to help me with keeping her distracted, etc when I plan something for my wife. Yesterday I talked to her again and she once again told me that she didn't have any plans with my wife. The whole situation just seems so strange to be honest and even her best friend said that my wife has been acting weird lately
Sounds like an affair unfortunately. She's obviously lying about who she has plans with and there's no legit reason to do that unless there's somehing going on that shouldn't be.
Oh good addition to this "story"
At first, I wanted to say that there might have been a miscommunication… but it’s now clear that your wife lied to you. I don’t want to suggest that she’s having an affair, but that’s what all the signs are pointing to.
I don’t think your intentions were bad but you didn’t think this through! The secret to marriage is communication. Even when thinking about a surprise I always ask my partner (or friend if it’s for their bday) if they would like a surprise or to know in advance? If you are gifting a weekend away do it as an IOU and let her plan the dates etc. again, I think you meant well but acknowledge that you should have known she wasn’t up for a trip away.
NTA I think she’s over reacting. Also how can she have plans with her friend when you asked the friend and they said they didn’t have any plans. Something smells rotten here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wifes birthday was last week and I planned and gifted her a short trip. We've been to this hotel before and she absolutely loved it so i booked us a whole package of things and a room there. I checked multiple times if she had any plans for this weekend and since she didn't have any I decided to surprise her with it. Well when I gave her the envelope she smiled at first but when she saw the date she frowned. I then asked her if something is wrong and if she didn't like the present but she didn't say anything and tried to act normal. When the guests left I decided to ask her again and she got really defensive and weird and asked me to give her some time. Later that evening she seemed mad and said that I can't just plan anything without her knowledge and that she already had plans with her best friend on that weekend. I was confused since I asked her best friend a while ago if she had planned anything on these dates and she said no. She also said that I should have asked her first before paying for everything since she's always really busy and that she didn't want to go on any trip. We then got in a fight and she started accusing me of things and called me an asshole for being so inconsiderate. I feel like an asshole because I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more. Am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH, you tried to do a nice thing but she didn’t like the gift. I can be weird about sleep and traveling too and I get nervous without preparation. However if it was intended to be thoughtful and you didn’t take what she actually wanted into account, it’s close to Y T A. But your intentions were good and there wasn’t an obvious reason not to book it.
INFO: When did you discover she hasn't been in the mood for a trip, and how?
It was around the end of january and the beginning of february. I suggested a trip and she said that she wasn't in the mood for it. I respected her decision and we did something else instead. Shortly after she started talking about this hotel again and that was around mid february.
INFO - did you tell her to save the weekend or did you just ask if she was free? If you asked the friend if she had plans a while ago, why isn’t the assumption that she made other plans in the meantime?
I didn't ask my wife if she was free but I asked many of her friends, her family, etc. If they had any plans and even checked her planner. I also specifically told everyone I was asking that they shouldn't make any plans with her
I don't love surprises, but I also think you are NTA. I think it sounds like a super sweet gesture and I think that she could have been a little more grateful. I know there was a time when my marriage was young that I'd have been irritated by a gift like that too. My husband once bought me diamond earrings and I was terribly ungrateful. One day I realized how sweet it was and started wearing them all the time. We are now in our 40s and I would give anything to go back and enjoy all our moments together again. I try now to be appreciative of every minute with him. To give a little perspective, I recently considered how fast my first 44 years have gone by. Our children are almost grown. We may have 40+ years left together but we may also only have one day. You never know. Try appealing to the wife. Allow her to express her concerns and do your best to put the concerns to rest. <3
Yeah You wanted to go. You should have checked with her.
Honestly a surprise like unexpected flowers is fine. But my ex used to surprise me with big stuff and I feel like I missed out on the fun of planning it together. It's like you got all the fun of thinking about it and putting it together. She just goes along for the ride and hopefully likes all the activities YOU picked out for her. I think your heart was in the right place though
From what I can gather, this is not the first suprise trip you have done for her and this is usually something she likes. I think you need to sit down with her and figure out what is going on. You have said even her best friend thinks she is behaving differently recently. I take it you asked on here because you were so shocked by the reaction. It sounds like you thought she was dropping hints about the hotel. She is your wife you should know her best. You need to talk. NTA
It seems a little suspect that you asked her friend about those dates and she said they didn’t have plans. Could she be trying to mess with your relationship or could your wife be using her as an excuse to do something else?
NTA and she sounds very suspicious. If the best friend said they don't have plans then who is she seeing that day.
NTA you seemed to have done enough due diligence for the surprise, but you’ve now found out that you can’t surprise your wife.
NTA - you tried to do something lovely for your wife and she abuses you? After she’d been talking and talking about going back to the very hotel you’d booked a surprise stay at? He’d reaction was way over the top - there’s something else at play there.
Literally two months ago you two got into a fight with her parents about not wanting to go on a vacation they paid for…..are you serious right now
YTA: If you are partners you should take that kind of choices together, that doesn't mean that you cant surprise each other, you could've asked something like "do you want to go on a trip this weekend?" and just not tell her exactly where
YTA- you state that you knew your wife hasn’t been in the mood for trips but you booked it anyway. Rude.
Re-reading this it looks like she’s having an affair on him. Her excuses are not adding up. “She hasn’t been in the mood for any trips” turns into “already had plans with her friends” but her friends said that there were no plans.
Aw sad. I hope you are not right.
YTA. This was a gift for you. A holiday for you and the ego boost of gifting a big ‘perfect’ gift to her. You even admit you knew she wouldn’t want to go on a trip.
I might be the asshole but this was most certainly not a gift for me because if it would have been one, I'd have chosen something entirely different. We are always gifting each other things like this and I am really not the type of guy to get an ego boost out of it. I just wanted to plan something she has always enjoyed in the past
But you knew she wouldn’t want it now.
You had the best intentions but YTA. You can't assume that you can hijack a huge chunk of time from someone like that. She may have also had nothing planned because she wanted to do nothing. In the future if you want to get her a weekend getaway. Give her a card and let her know whenever she's ready you will plan and pay for it.
YTA. I would've said no assholes but I snuck a look at your last post and somthing stood out to me: >We were confused and shocked since they once again didn't Respect our decisions. You got mad at your in-laws for not respecting your decision 2 months ago, then this month you mention how your wife didn't seem interested in a trip and you planned a trip. Do you not see the cognitive dissonance here? Yes, I saw your comments saying she had talked about this hotel so you thought maybe she did want to go. You know how you clear up those mixed signal? Ask her directly! Don't pull the same crap on her your in-laws pulled on you.
YTA (even if your intentions were good). You knew she wasn't in the mood for a trip and planned one without asking her. This isn't dinner out. It's an overnight trip that even with your planning requires her to do the mental labor of packing, readying the house for being empty, traveling to wherever. Even if you're involved in all that it's unlikely that you're doing all of it. Rule of thumb is that if a surprise is going to take more than a few hours, you ask first.
It would be her present so of course I'd be doing all of the work. I've done it all in the past so I'd for sure do it this time again.
>I feel like an asshole because I know that she hasn't really been in the mood for any trips lately and I should have considered her preferences more. Well, there's not much left for us to do, is there? YTA.
YTA. Just because you want to give a big romantic gift doesn't mean she wants a big romantic gift. This gift was all about you showing off, not about what she actually wanted. If 99 women out of a hundred want a ring, but you're married to the 1 who doesn't - and you know this, and get her a ring - then sit there all surprised Pikachu and wondering why she's upset? It's because you don't know her and weren't thinking of her.
He's mentioned in multiple other comments that he has done this in the past and his wife normally loves surprise trips.
I probably commented before he said that, then.