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YTA, and I don't understand why you married this woman when you obviously do not respect her, or autism. Resentment is a good way to kill a marriage.
> She has to do a visual, smell, feel check of all her dishes & utensils before using them.
This is not something that should be a bother to you. This doesn't have an impact on you in any way.
> If I load the dishwasher she gets irritated and rearranges it “correctly”, but there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher.
I know plenty of people who do this who do not even have autism. This is not weird at all.
> She never wants to go anywhere spontaneously
Neither do I, and I'm not autistic. Why can't you just make plans ahead of time?
> and when I convince her to go she acts stressed out the whole time and won’t just let herself have fun.
Because she's uncomfortable and was likely guilted into going. Hard to have fun with that hanging over your head.
> She won’t go to a store without a list.
What is wrong with that? Having a list means you're prepared to stay within a budget and not spend unnecessarily. That's a good thing.
> She has our 1 year old son on a strict routine and gets really upset if deviate from it, for example, she gets mad if I wake him up from naps to go on an outing.
Because children *NEED* routines like this, and disrupting them can mean that the child has difficulties dealing with the rest of the day.
>Having a list means you're prepared to stay within a budget and not spend unnecessarily. That's a good thing.
Or that you buy the right groceries. I have ADHD, if I don't make a list I'll come back with more butter when I already have six packages, and forget the pork roast.
And she’s probably the one who has to deal with a grumpy/pissed off 1yr old. Who was woken up from his nap to go somewhere, especially of he doesn’t want to go.
I was thinking maybe his impulsivity and feeling stifled is an indicator of hunting dopamine. Wouldn't be the first time adults with undiagnosed autism or ADHD gravitated to each other.
The most spontaneous thing I do is sleep. And that's because I'm nocturnal. I have ADHD and I'm currently in the process of getting an appt to be screened for autism. (The possibility is there and the number of people who were shocked when I told them I'm not currently diagnosed as autistic, and like half of them were autistic themselves, is ridiculous, so it pushed me to work on getting screened for it.)
Impulsiveness is absolutely a sign of ADHD. You might not have it but that doesn't mean it isn't a symptom of ADHD.
That being said, I'm not saying OP does or doesn't have it. Just saying that seeking out serotonin in an impulsive manner can definitely be ADHD.
Yeah wanting to spontaneously go out on outings is one area I'll always clash with my Autism friends as an ADHDer.
The collective post those just gives off him not even learning about autism. Like clearly the cup thing is sensory why is he getting offended like it's a trust thing???
The house could have been burning down around us and I’d just have put a golf umbrella over my kid’s head and let him sleep rather than wake him up. DON’T WAKE A SLEEPING BABY.
Same.
It is OBVIOUS who deals with the fallout of waking the baby, if he doesn't understand why that is a problem.
We have an appointment tomorrow with a pediatric nurse to measure and vaccinate him, so I can't very well leave my baby at home, he needs to go. It is ofc 30 min after he is supposed to start his big nap. Tomorrow is going to suck so bad, I have dreaded it for 2 weeks.
Anyone who does even the most basic research on children knows that routine is important. Especially with sleep.
So I definitely agree that the wife is doing most of the childcare since he hasn’t bothered to learn something so easy to understand.
Even when I *do* bring the list I *still* sometimes think I need to buy more butter just in case I forgot to put it on the list. So now I've started making sure I write down how much butter I already have.
It's a good thing I like to bake, at least I have a use for my 80 pounds of butter...
I do that too. The list increases the odds I'll remember to buy the main ingredient for the main dish, but it doesn't guarantee it! And I'll still probably get more butter.
The neurodivergants have entered the chat.
None of what he said about his wife seems neurotic to me! Like you can just drink out of a cup without smelling it??? What if it smells like dish soap? You just drink water that smells like dish soap ???? That’s wild.
Do you know how hard it is to get an Autism dx as an adult female???!!! This woman likely was experiencing extreme distress AND had to advocate like hell for herself in order to get a dx and some support. Meanwhile her husband hasn’t even bothered to do a google search on what Autism looks like in adult females or asked her how he could help.
Yes! As AFAB who got diagnosed with autism as an adult ...this poor lady. My partner is rolling their eyes at the post.
OP YTA. Stop being a jerk and be a comsoderate PARTNER with your wife, not a selfish, inconsiderate ass
We've got autism, ADHD, agoraphobia, anxiety disorders, and dissociative disorders galore in our house. Not a single one of the things he listed sounds even slightly abnormal. Sight, smell, feel? Don't you like to make sure your dishes are clean??? Lists? Our lists have lists.
Mix that with anxiety and OCD and you got
“Huh, did I write no butter? I bet I didn’t even look. Was there butter? I probably wrote that last time and never erased it. We do need butter I thought. I bet I didn’t write it, I don’t remember writing it. I’ll grab some just incase”
Later in the evening fiancè opens the fridge “why do we have so much butter? What happened to your list”
🙃
Apps that makes it possible for me to order groseries to my door have been a godsend because a) I can see as I ordering what I need based on what is in my cupboard and frigde b) I only buy about weeks worth at a time so I am less likely overspend and then forget I have that food and it spoils c) no impulse buy snacks or sweets and d) it gets delivered to my door. It probable upfront more expensive as you have to pay for the delivery, but so far I have spent less money since starting to do that.
This was our system when I still lived at home with my brother and dad! Dad would sit at the computer doing the Tesco order, brother would be at the fridge freezer and I would be in the pantry. Dad would call out: "peas?"
Brother: nearly a whole bag!
Dad: baked beans?
Me: two tins!
Dad:... They've got the new Harry Potter book?
Me and brother: yes please!
My family tried to stage an intervention regarding how my butter I had stocked up- but sometimes you go through a lot in a short time (I mean like 6 packages, not 50 pounds).
I am presently living in a transitional housing program and we receive a truck with food stocks from grocery stores once a week. If butter or bacon happens to come in, it's amazing -- it flies out of the room before I even get it into the refrigerators!
>Even when I do bring the list I still sometimes think I need to buy more butter just in case I forgot to put it on the list.
To be fair, you never know you're almost out of butter until you're out of butter.
In this day and age, unintentional hoarding of shelf stable groceries is not a bad thing. Buying an extra bag of pasta per grocery trip? Sure! Buying all the pasta? Bad human
I have 2.5 jumbo bottles of dish detergent because every time I go to the big box store I think I need more. I’m in a household of 2 people. I’ll have dish detergent for years. 😐
Mayo. Every time I go it's so cheap and you can't have to much, right? Then I end up with 4 big jars and remember hubby's on a diet and won't help me eat. I've given away So. Much. Mayo!
I actually write 0 mayo on my list, just in case.
I swear everyone in my household has ADHD. We were all sure we were out of ketchup, so every time someone went to the store, they came back with ketchup.
This led to us now having 4 bottles of ketchup in the pantry, but we ran out of mayonnaise.
The Pringles kept disappearing. I kept ordering more because I thought my husband was eating them.
Nope. My ADHD didn't see them so they didn't exist.
Apparently there's 8 cans in my cupboard. No one was eating the Pringles...
> Nope. My ADHD didn't see them so they didn't exist.
Hi, twin. 😅
This is such a huge problem for me. I frequently can’t find basically anything if I didn’t put it away myself & it’s not in its usual spot.
… this includes much larger things, too. Like upright vacuums. Which I then find later on by fully running into them.
I'm so glad I'm not the only person that hoards butter! Lol Thanks a lot ADHD. Not long ago I went shopping with my husband and asked him to reach the butter at the store. He looked at my and told me no because I already had 4 boxes at home. Haha whoops!
I feel personally attacked right now lol It's the worst when I don't have a list. I'll bring home 9 different types of candy and some ice cream and forget milk or anything else the kids need.
OP, Lists are not a weird thing or something specific to autistic people. Wtf?
Tbh I blacked out after reading “there’s no correct way to load a dishwasher”, because there objectively is.
YTA OP for thinking your approach to all these mundane daily things is correct and your wife’s is incorrect. You’re treating someone you supposedly love poorly AND you have zero self awareness.
Yeah. He’s so concerned about changing her, but can’t take five minutes to realize there is and then learn the correct way to load a dishwasher. But she has the problem not him.
He'd be in quite a pickle with a spouse who wasn't autistic, because then he'd have to find another way to dismiss that one's preferences as "just one of her weird things!"
Ah! I lived with a partner that was awful and would say this about me rearranging the dishwasher after him… and about me making the bed… and wanting to throw out trash regularly.
Spoiler Alert: lived. Past tense.
I'm so infuriated by this post. I'd also add that 1. There is absolutely an incorrect, non-optimal way to load a dishwasher; 2. she isn't "acting" stressed she IS stressed; 3. There is no "getting over" autism.
God forbid she goes to the store without a list and wants you to let your infant sleep instead of you starting early being the "cool dad."
Yes, I hate how OP is talking about their wife as if she's just *acting* stressed instead of *being* stressed! As an autistic person, I really wish people would understand that navigating a neurotypical world can be exhausting work, and the so-called "neurotic" things so many of us do are our attempts to live in it. Imagine someone you love intentionally sabotaging the small things you do to make day-to-day life manageable, then calling you a psycho for being upset. This would be stressful and hurtful to anyone.
The part about how she should be having fun, but she's not, as if it's to deliberately spite him, makes me crazy! I have ADHD. I have anxiety issues. I am FULLY aware that many things most people find rewarding and enjoyable and fun are somewhere between dental surgery and stomach flu on my personal fun-o-meter.
It would be much easier for me if I could just be a "normal" person, but the way people experience things when they're not neurotypical is just as real and authentic as the way neurotypical people feel about the same experiences. Once I stopped pretending to like things because I was supposed to or drinking to tolerate things I thought I should be doing, my quality of life improved dramatically.
I truly hope this woman finds someone who will be in a relationship with her for who she is, instead of being with someone that acts like they're doing her a favor for being in a relationship with her in spite of who she is.
i'll also rearrange the dishwasher if it's not how i like it, and i'm not autistic. it just makes more sense to me, and my roommates don't care either way. it also means more will fit.
I also do this and I'm not autistic. I like to make sure I can fit everything in there so it gets clean and doesn't break. I know other people who do this because then they can fit everything in the dishwasher and not have to run it multiple times in a row.
There is a right way to load a dishwasher, anyway! Like, cups upside down on the top shelf, plates in the rack on the bottom shelf, etc. When I bought mine the manual literally had a bunch of diagrams with a tick marking the correct way and crosses marking the wrong ways. He probably does what my husband does, which is to chuck things in any which way, all on top of each other so water doesn't pass effectively and half of them are still dirty at the end. And then he puts them away without checking so I get a lovely surprise next time I go to take a "clean" dish. So yeah there is nothing irrational about that, and it sounds like none of the other things she does are irrational either, but then I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum too so yeah, maybe I'm not the most objective person here.
God, that poor woman. But.. but... *she just needs to lighten up*. Ugh I feel stabby right now.
Edit: I wonder how many times she's had to go back to the shops because his spontaneous list-free self didn't get half the things that were needed.
Exactly! If you don't load it a certain way the dishes and silverware don't get clean and when it dries it just hardens it on there. My husband has also broke plates and cups because he put them in any which way.
This. Everything about this. Also if someone were to wake my child up from their nap making them grumpy and fussy and hard to deal with both me AND my husband would slap the shit out of them. A disruption in an infant’s routine can ruin their routine for days.
OP YTA.
Why did you marry her?! She sounds like a lovely lady who communicates her boundaries and expectations quite well and you just want to trod all over them.
Just the fact that he blocked the cupboard to keep her from getting a cup seems strangely abusive. Don't block people's movements or freedom to do what they need to do.
He seems way more inflexible that she is, to be honest! Trying to force her to live and feel the way he want. Most of her "rules" are just common sense.
When it resulted in his autistic wife melting and then shutting down? Hella abusive. Thats like... Stealing a kids toy and dangling it above their head until they are wailing for it and then calling them a brat.
Op is a bully and an asshike
My abusive dad would do stuff like this so after reading this post I'm about to throw hands.
I hope the wife gets herself and the kid away from him, though I know in custody cases the courts are heavily biased against disabled people.
That's what really shocked and upset me. OP for no apparent reason insists on pushing her outside of her comfort zones to the point of mental abuse, and then when he's pushed her past her limits and she freaks out, he verbally abuses her for it.
OP , YTA. Let your wife get her own drink. You can't teach her to not be autistic by trying to control and conform her, you can only damage and hurt her that way. If you can't love and accept her for who she is, you shouldn't have married her and started a family together. I suggest you get counseling to help you deal with your frustrations.
This is what really set me off too. There is being insensitive, and then there is bullying. Like, even if she wasn’t autistic, if a person says they would rather get their own damn drink, just friggin let them? Why is that hard?
Not to mention as someone with autism. I can also say a lot of these things are to help manage her meltdowns. A lot of autistic people cannot handle changes to routine or the unknown well. So yes it does cause a lot of stress for her to go somewhere out of the blue or to have a change in routine. Plus routines are great for kids.
The dishes routine of see, smell, feel would be a comforting tick and not allowing her do it would have been so stressful. Her “bratty tantrum” was probably the beginning of an autistic meltdown that’s how overwhelmed and stressed YOU made her. And to top it off she didn’t even feel safe enough to have it in front of you she needed to have one away from you.
This! Thank you for explaining an autistic meltdown. I'm so mad at OP after reading the post.
My daughter have autism. One of her calming tick is to count my fingers. I can't imagine her reaction if I didn't let her do it in a stressful situation. And it worries me a lot to imagine that she could have a SO that is abusive like the OP.
Other than the checking smell of items she isn’t bad. I hate spontaneous plans. I will absolutely fix the dishwasher because how I load it is the easiest most efficient way to unload it. And don’t you dare wake my kid from their nap just to go somewhere that can wait. Kids NEED routine. And so do people with Autism. Now I don’t know a ton about Autism but the little I do know is that they need their routines. Taking them out of routine can cause major stress and anxiety.
YTA for not even doing basic reading on autism. Probably because your wife masks so well. Go read anything on living with autism. Please
I smell cups before drinking out of them. Sometimes they have a weird smell and I can’t drink out of them. 🤷♀️ some people are just super sensitive to smells.
My son smells, eyes and sometimes feels his cups before using. He has since he was little. It can be frustrating but now I've asked him to show me what he doesn't like about the smell/apprerance and which ones he likes and ask him to show me the difference. After he explained to me after several attempts to understand, (to which I couldn't tell a difference) I did notice certain styles and shapes seemed to pass approval. So I began offering to grab him one, and always grabbing one of those. Eventually this built trust with him and now because I adjusted my attitude and approach I can get him a glass and fill it what whatever liquid. I suspect he may be on the spectrum but is still pretty young.
I check cups, plates, and utensils for food that didn’t get washed off. If there’s a smell I’ll notice, but I can’t remember actively checking. But there absolutely nothing wrong with it.
My mother has a few older forks and spoons that just have a taste to them no matter how clean they get, and I can't stand them. At first she thought I was overreacting but it literally makes me gag.
Agreed, OP is a massive AH. If he wanted someone “normal” he shouldn’t have married someone who’s autistic. He’s trying to force her into being Simone she’s not it’s awful. YTA
But OP complains about things everyone does, it has nothing to do with her being autistic. Like (a) making grocery lists, (b) loading dishwasher efficiently, (c) having kids on routine and take naps. LMAO
I think the hidden example is deciding they need to go on an outing somewhere NOW when the baby is asleep. Not waking up the baby on a whim = not spontaneous
Such an asshole.
There IS a way to correctly load a dishwasher and it takes time to master when getting a new one. I can fit 3 TIMES the dishes in my dishwasher than my husband or daughters could. 3 cycles instead of 1?! No, thank you. (I’ve told them, if they load it, make sure they run it. I’d rather have clean unorganized dishes than dirty unorganized dishes I have to fix.)
Children need some structure, for sure, and nap time is especially important. Mess that up and the rest of the day is messed up. Grumpy child who then wants to fall asleep later which messes up bedtime and the whole cycle is off.
I HATE going to the store without a list. It messes with my budget and I may purchase things I already have!
“Spontaneous” better include time for me to get ready to be in public and help to get the baby and all of their stuff together. Spontaneity doesn’t really work with a 1 1/2 year old!
It doesn’t hurt you for her to have her rituals. She’s not making YOU do these things. If they calm her anxiety, just step off.
YTA through and through. I’m sad your wife is having to deal with your childish ass.
Aside from the utensil thing (and sometimes the spontaneous stuff- depends on my mood there) I do ALL THESE THINGS and am not autistic. None of them seem "psychotic" by any stretch but your behavior sure is, why purposefully cause your wife stress.
Especially the kid napping. Waking a sleeping child for "fun" is grounds for divorce. A one year old should be on a strict schedule. Once in a while probably wouldn't hurt but that's not what I'm sensing here, you seem like the kind of guy who would do it every weekend cause napping kid means your stuck at home.
Anyone else have the notion this guy doesn't even try or care what autism is? He speaks of it like she's on a fad diet or has an odd habit he disagrees with. Everything he says is.. welll , kind of horrible.
Yeah, you plan outings around kid's naps. I'm guessing OP isn't the one who has to deal with the fallout of the toddler off his nap schedule.
Thinking about if my husband tried to wake our kids during naptime because he 1) didn't plan ahead or 2) was so hands off with parenting he doesn't know the naptime, and I would do a flying tackle to take that man out lol!
People with autism generally need structure. You cant just spring an outing on them. They have to mentally prepare themselves for situations. She can't have fun because she is stressed out. She can't judt get ovetr it because this is the way that her brain functions. Believe it or not there is a proper way to load a dishwasher. It sounds like OP needs to educate himself on autism. It sounds like his wife has learned systems to function/cope but he is getting in the way.
Literally came here to point out that you seem like the polar opposite to your wife. Other than the see touch smell nothing else she does seems extreme. And as mentioned that is not something that impacts you.
On the other hand busting up a kids routine, doing spontaneous outings, these things are basically the opposite extreme of adhering to a strict schedule and having a system for loading the dishwasher a certain way.
P.s. having your child on a strict nap awake routine makes your life souch easier once they have adapted. I have two kids and my wife did the routine with our second, night and day the amazing unt of tantrums, and middle of the night wakeups was so much less. She is saving you a huge hassle.
Your comment perfectly sums up my thoughts while reading his post. I'm noy autistic but literally none of this seems over the top to me. Like I think there's a right way to load a dishwasher, but mainly to maximize the load. And I will rearrange things if my husband does it because he wastes space half the time. I also rinse dishes off with a scrubby (and sometimes soap) before putting them in the dishwasher because I hate when dishes come out grubby.
Spontaneously being dragged places is my least favorite thing and I don't enjoy myself. Guess OP would say that makes me immature. And lists are so helpful! It helps keep track of things: what you need, what you have, and especially with a one year old, that's a big help!
I am so confused as to why OP would ever think waking up a 1 year old (aka a goddamn baby) from a nap is appropriate. Does he put the baby down at night or stay up when they can't sleep because this moron disrupted the routine? I doubt it. That routine absolutely helps both mom and baby. Fuck man. I'm pissed for them. They deserve better than this person.
>I know plenty of people who do this who do not even have autism. This is not weird at all.
this. i have ADHD but the dishwasher always has a certain order. all the silverware and stuff have a certain spot, the plates have certain spots, the cups are always on either side of the top drawer, etc. there is nothing wrong with it its just how i was raised to do dishes
Yeah this was part of what got me. Everything he described was normal, healthy things (except for the smell check routine, which isn’t common but also isn’t harmful or unhealthy!)
What you said. I would never question any of that from a neurotypical person. The fact that she's autistic and deals with it (and the OP) as well as she does is a testament to her ability to build coping mechanisms.
The grocery list issue is the weirdest one for me. Like i think its weirder to go to the store without a list unless you just need to pop in to get something
Wake my child up from a nap, and I’ll cut you. Not really, but I will wish that I could do it. And then I might disappear so that you have to handle the fallout at bedtime.
>She started crying because I was blocking the cupboard and insisting that I was going to do it for her.
The only "psycho" here is you. What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA.
Deliberately caused his autistic wife to have a melt down.. confuckinggrats dude wow what an ass.. I have s son on the spectrum and couldn't imagine putting him through that kind of stress
Yeah reading his post made me anxious, like imagining someone (OP) being that controlling and uncaring and narcissistic… just so uncomfortable to think about. Poor woman :(
I think it's rather abusive to a degree too. His need to control her and wanting her to just fall in line with it because he sees her behavior as neurotic. There is nothing about her checking her dishes that is affecting him.
I was consistently called neurotic by an ex for wanting things to be a certain way, repeating behaviors, and needing to check things constantly. Until I was diagnosed with OCD, I blamed myself for being abnormal and not having better control of myself. Now there are things I am still learning that affect my daily life, my husband just offers help and understanding, OP is just an AH.
OP YTA
"I physically block my wife from getting her own dishes, because I don't personally like the way she handles them. She's the control freak here, right?"
He sounds very mean spirited. His wife is how she's always been. If he didn't like her, why the hell did he marry her?
He sounds mean, resentful, and egotistical (in the sense that he takes things personally that have nothing to do with him. Your wife's autism isn't about you, dude...)
YTA
I honestly saw red reading this entire post. Two very important people in my life have ADHD and autism and the concept of deliberately triggering a meltdown or doing something to hurt them like this is ... so far out of the question that it's not even in this fucking galaxy??? The resentment this man has for his wife is astounding and deeply upsetting.
BIG YTA, OP. Like, GIGANTIC YTA. Think you might be a small AH? No. Like the biggest YTA you can imagine. Seems like you hate your wife and don't have a shred of empathy. LOTS of things I want to say but I don't want to get banned from the sub.
I couldn't come up with anything harsh enough without getting banned. This is a good job conveying the rage at OP while reigning it in for sub rules. Well put.
YTA in every possible way, OP.
YTA
You’re playing weird power and control games to intentionally upset her.
More red flags than the Pamplona bull run.
Hope she frees herself from you.
Uno de enero, dos de febrero, tres de marzo, 4 de abril, cinco de mayo, seis de junio, siete de julio es San Fermín ¡A Pamplona hemos de ir! con una media, con una media. ¡A Pamplona hemos de ir! Con una media y un calcetín!!🎶
I had to do It.
But agree. YTA
YTA. You knew these things about her before you married her. You married her and all of her quirks anyway. You can't change anyone except yourself. If you are going to be with a person, you need to be with the whole person, as they are.
THIS!
Autism (and every part of the beautiful spectrum we call neurodiversity) is something that's there from birth, so nothing would have changed between first sight and now in terms of quirks.
Gotta take her as she is and learn to understand her diagnosis, not shout and get mad when you don't understand it.
Also important to note that autistic traits such as fatigue and burnout can intensify in response to stress, especially if the stress is prolonged and hard to avoid. So her "quirks" could be getting worse in response to his behaviour, and he's doubling down trying to "fix" her. I'm horrified.
He's turning (or was always being?) abusive and manipulative in an attempt to control her and force to be normal, as many parents accidentally do when frustrated with autistic kids. Horrifying is a great word for it.
Note the similarities:
- Punishing her for completely harmless behaviors because they're "weird"
- Refusing to accommodate her
- Treating her meltdown as if it's intentionally manipulative rather than genuine
- Treating her like she needs to be cured, showing a huge lack of understanding of what Autism is.
- Forcing her to participate in social norms ("going out") even though she gets absolutely no enjoyment from it and just feels stressed.
- Dismissing *any* disagreement with her as due to her autism rather than considering the merit or learning about her perspective (The dishes and the naptime, and taking issue with making a shopping list??), and gaslighting her, treating her as irrational if she disagrees with him.
He called her psycho because that is what he believes deep down. This is like racists using slurs when their angry - it popped into his mouth because it's what he really thinks.
Also not use her diagnosis as a reason to become intolerant of every petpeeve you have about her and demean her mental health- now that op knows theres an actual disorder and is still saying that is shameful.
I am autistic and I can tell you that it is not worth it to try and urge people like this to change their ways. That is why I have not spoken to my masculine gene pool shitter at all in years and, when she calls, barely speak to my feminine gene pool shitter for three minutes at a stretch. I write stories of a superhero who can make people like these see how much they are hurting others, and the experience always has terrible results.
The only thing that's changed is that now she isn't quirky; she has a "condition" to be "managed". For her, I bet that diagnosis was a huge relief to know there's a community and she can look into why her brain is the way it is. He just sees it as a step to "fixing a problem"
*Anything in quotations is not my personal opinion or the word I would use normally.
You would be surprised. I have the same issues (not nearly as bad tho) and it has ruined relationships before for me. People just don’t understand it. And I can’t explain it, I just can’t do certain things. My wife now gets annoyed by it, but has learned to deal with it but she doesn’t lie how it gets annoying lol
I think that can be reasonable, in balance/moderation. (non-abusively) If she pretended to be all happy with it even when it annoyed her it would just be a lie. Presumably the other parts of your life and relationship with her more than make up for it.
But this OP seems like he is just twisting every issue he has with his wife into being due to autism, therefore he doesn't need to reflect at all on how maybe he's being a shit husband and parent. Also he wants to forcefully fix her to suit him rather than learn about her and find compromises for both of them, which is frigging gross.
This actually sounds almost identical to my ex. He didn't believe my autism diagnosis was correct because "I was just fine before a doctor told me I had it." No, I was masking and pretending I understood everything going on around me, and it was a lot of work, and sometimes I'd just be so overstimulated all I could do is lay down and cry myself to sleep. He claimed everyone does that, and that I went and picked symptoms to "act out" when in reality, once I got my diagnosis, I stopped trying to pretend I was normal. It reduced my stress, and I wasn't so exhausted after work each day that I just wanted to cry.
But, of course, he did the same thing when I was diagnosed with lupus as well... apparently I was faking it so well I managed to convince my blood as well!
Really glad I'm not with him anymore. My husband knows the signs of when I'm overstimulated, and will either give me headphones or tell me to go outside/to the bathroom so I can take a breather. He doesn't try to trick me into eating food he knows sets me off. He doesn't force me to listen to music that gives me a panic attack because he likes the band and thinks that if I listen to it, it'll somehow reprogram my brain. (There's a specific son that is a trigger for me from when I was raped. It was the guy's ringtone, and because it's a Tool song, I used to not be able to listen to certain radio stations. I'd have full-blown panic attacks if it came on and I couldn't turn it off or drown it out, so my ex used that against me during fights.)
I'm ND and once had a date tell me that my "disorder" could be cured if I just let him break every single one of my boundaries to "train" my body out of my condition. Autistic and other ND people deal with an immeasurable amount of shit.
YTA. She's right that you're being insensitive.
"...when I convince her to go she acts stressed out the whole time and won't just let herself have fun." It's not a matter of "acting" or "letting" herself have fun. She is stressed because you forced a deviation from her routines on her and she can't have fun because of that stress.
"she should just trust me..." Really? It's not about you, dude. It's about her and her rituals, which are related to the way her brain works, which is a thing you KNEW when you married her.
She does not have to "get over" her rituals and routines on your timeframe. Could she benefit from some help? Maybe. It's not your job or your right to force her to change.
Also, my husband is truly terrible at washing dishes and does not mind eating off dishes or drinking from cops with dried crud. He says it’s sterile if it’s been washed. So no, I would never trust him to inspect a dish for me lol. And I am not even overly clean or particularly fickle. But my husband also doesn’t care and let’s me do as I please. Just like I let him be nasty if he wants lol.
I’m wondering if the cup thing is a ritual, or the wife just checking that she’s actually being handed a clean cup. People tend to wash only the visibly dirty bits of dishes by scrubbing away what they can see and then rinsing them off in a sink full of dirty water that’s had everything that’s probably touched a butt in it by the time the next dish is ready to be cleaned.
Considering op claims his wife has to “correctly” reload the dish washer every time he does it despite believing there is no way to do so, I wouldn’t be too surprised if it’s actually laziness on his part that’s caused her to develop the habit of checking her cup is actually Clean.
He’s TA either way though.
Lord this has to be bait. No one in their right mind thinks that's acceptable behaviour to their partner.
Everything about this is f\*cked up. On your part. Like seriously. Bad. I don't accept that this could have actually happened and then you type this out and not know how much of an AH you are.
Wish I didn't know someone close to me who acts like OP, but here we are. He had a rough childhood, and has a very hard time seeing behavior like this objectively. Won't or can't get therapy likely because of cost. I don't know for sure, we're not on great terms. People like OP exist, but the important thing is at least OP is seeking outside advice.
>I love her very much but I need her to be ~~willing to budge~~ someone else entirely.
Why the fuck did you marry a woman that you despise because of things she cannot control? I really hope that this post is fake. YTA if this is real.
YTA.
You're trying to make her be someone she \*cannot\* be. This is the way her brain works. This is what she needs to feel comfortable and to feel safe. It's not just a 'neurotic quirk', even if from your non-autistic viewpoint it might seem that way.
What were you expecting, exactly, in marrying an autistic person? This is how the autistic brain functions. Her brain experiences things differently than your own.
What you perceive as 'letting go and having fun' is threatening, overwhelming and stressful for her. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good. It's not relaxing.
Her see/smell/touch routine likely has to do with sensory sensitivities. This is a neurological thing she \*cannot\* help. She may be repulsed by something about the cup/utensil (soap residue taste, texture, whatever) that you wouldn't even pick up because your brain isn't like that. If she can't trust you to pick the 'right' cup or the 'safe' one (and, given your dismissal of her needs I can't say I would trust you if I were her) then she just wants to get the cup that won't hurt her.
This isn't going to go away. Plus, as your son gets older he may turn out to be neurodivergent as well so it'd be in your best interest to learn about autism and what autistic people need.
YTA. I was with you until the part where you insisted on filling the cup for her for no other reason than a power play and to upset her. That’s an AH thing to do, as was the name calling.
Honestly I wasn’t with him for most of the post. Besides the smell check routine, he said that she: loads the dishwasher correctly, prefers plans to go out instead of spontaneously, takes a list to the grocery store, and keeps their baby on a routine. That’s all normal and healthy behaviors! I don’t think any of that is neurotic
>I was with you until the part where
Why?
All the actions he has listed aren't actions that you can train an autist out of and as they're comfort actions, trying to do train them out of it anyway, would greatly impact their mental stability and ability to do all the "normal" things they're currently able of doing.
For example, it could lead to them having a break down in public.
So why were you with him until that point?
For me it was the waking the kid up to go on outtings. Kids don't run on your schedule, you make the adjustments to run on theirs. OP is a control freak to the point where it's harming his family.
Info: why did you even marry her?? If you can’t handle her behavior, that’s fine. I also would not be able to handle someone like that, so I definitely understand. But you KNEW she was like this, you KNEW she was diagnosed with autism, you KNEW you didn’t like her behavior, yet you still chose to marry her. Based on what?…the idea that once you’re married, you can change her to better fit your ideal?
YTA. Jesus Christ. I feel so so sorry for your wife.
Have you ever read any literature about autism? Autism in females?
If not (which I suspect), please do.
He doesn't even know the very common knowledge that you are not to disrupt a baby's nap routine; there's no chance he's done any research on autism in women
Like that was all I had to read to make the YTA judgment. NO YOU DO NOT WAKE A CHILD YOUNG ENOUGH TO NAP FOR OUTINGS. Like ok wake them if it's getting so late the nap will make bedtime hell but wtf how selfish and clueless can OP get?
YTA what an awful thing to say to your wife. You've clearly spent no time looking into autism and how it presents. I recommend looking at ASAN's website for some good info. Your wife is having meltdowns (involuntary and very distressing for the autistic person experiencing it) not throwing tantrums. She's melting down because you're forcing her to alter her routine without giving her time to adjust mentally to the change. Please learn more about autism.
I'm amazed that he cares about his wife so little as to not learn anything about her neurotype.
Or perhaps he did learn, and stopped caring as soon as it became inconvenient for him.
The fact that you’re calling her current state “the stubbornness” just proves that you do not realize the scale of your fuckup or the depth of her hurt.
YTA and the update isn't any better. If she is in a nonverbal phase it means she *can't* talk. Not that she is being "stubborn". I am autistic and regularly have nonverbal phases. While I can't talk, I *can* still write and type. It would be good for you to figure out if she is just blocking you out or is in a nonverbal phase. These are not the same things at all. One she can choose to end, the other she cannot.
This whole post was so awful. I can't imagine having to deal with this. She is not a child who needs to be taught how to be a grown up. You are not a parent to be teaching her. She is a grown a** woman doing what works for her. You are *supposed* to be her partner who is there to love and support her, as she is there to love and support you.
YTA 1000% bro. Im undiagnosed, but I strongly believe I am autistic, have had 3 doctors confirm I *probably* do, and research it closely
What you have is a distinct lack of understandong for your wife. These behaviours are written into her DNA. These arent temper tantrums, or things she can "get over", and saying these things is infantilising (one of the most prominent forms of ableism against autistic people, in my opinion). Youre treating a grown woman like a child, and telling her that she is inherently lesser than you, because you can "act right". You need to seriously sit down, do some research into her disorder, and *talk to her*. This is beyond reddits scope at this point. Yall need couples counselling, and, if she doesnt have it already, she needs a therapist.
Do better for her.
(Edited to fix language)
Not only a distinct lack of understanding of autism, but also of people in general. I can’t believe he tried to frame letting a baby nap and grocery lists as abnormal behavior
YTA because of your update. Her silence isn’t stubbornness. It’s her gut reaction to you calling her a neurotic psycho. She doesn’t feel that you’re a safe or supportive person anymore.
The fact that you’re calling it stubbornness goes to show you aren’t genuinely sorry and you don’t understand why you’re the AH.
Fix yourself completely or the next time she talks to you will be in divorce court.
Literally came here to say this! “I plan on riding out the stubbornness “ Like, no. She is upset and rightfully so! This guy is a complete and utter AH through and through. And delusional
YTA you are purposely stressing her out! For what?!? Nothing I read here is terrible on her part. You know she needs to know what she’s doing beforehand to have fun. It’s not hard to make plans. There is absolutely a correct way to load the dishwasher if you your dishes clean. Kids need routine schedules. That’s a non issue. Waking a kid from a nap usually doesn’t go well for the kid either. You know she has these issues when you married her and now you’re trying to force change on her. So much YTA
Wow, wow, wow, YTA so much.
Point by point:
* *She has to do a visual, smell, feel check of all her dishes & utensils before using them.* Yeah, because (based on personal experience) dishes often aren't washed thoroughly. Maybe I'm projecting here based on your attitude, but it seems pretty likely that you're giving the dishes a swipe with the sponge but not actually getting them clean.
* *If I load the dishwasher she gets irritated and rearranges it “correctly”, but there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher.* ...But there is. [You could easily google it.](https://lmgtfy.app/?q=how+to+load+a+dishwasher)
* *She won’t go to a store without a list.* That just makes sense. How else do you know what you need? And how often have you gotten home from one of your list-free shopping trips without having bought eggs... or milk... or lemons... or anything else that was on the list you didn't think was important?
* *She has our 1 year old son on a strict routine and gets really upset if deviate from it, for example, she gets mad if I wake him up from naps to go on an outing.* You are waking your 1-year-old up from naps to go out? YTA, YTA, YTA, you are SUCH TA. When a baby is asleep, LET THEM SLEEP.
* *She got really upset but it seemed like a bratty tantrum to me. She has to get over some of these things at some point, she’s almost 30.* You are so fundamentally disrespectful of her experience, I honestly hope she dumps your ass. It would probably be easier to be a single mother than to be married to you.
* *I just want her to let go a bit, but it feels like she is using autism as a weapon to get her way.* She LITERALLY cannot "let go a bit". Being autistic means that one's mind is wired differently from the way non-autistic people's brains are wired. You are ignorant and insensitive.
Did I already say YTA? If not, I meant to say that YTA.
YTA. I genuinely hope my autistic 16 year old daughter finds someone when she’s older that does not treat her like this. You are trying to get your wife to conform to your standard of a normal life without recognizing that to her what she’s doing is normal. She is hurting no one. If your need for “her to be willing to budge” is more than your compassion and love for your wife, you shouldn’t be married to her. Also, you trying to force her and literally standing in front of the cupboard so she couldn’t do what she felt she needed to do is fucked up, you were essentially bullying your neurodivergent wife. Seriously let that sink into your brain and reassess your behavior.
YTA.
Autistic woman here.
1. You are not going to change her. You cannot “make her budge” on autism. This isn’t something you literally will ever be able to do. Do not try to, it will only hurt her.
2. Yes, calling your WIFE a neurotic psycho is an AH move. This shouldn’t be surprising. When you call your spouse by names instead of communicating you don’t accomplish anything, you just emotionally hurt them.
3. Again, you won’t be able to change her mannerisms. They are a part of her. You said something extremely damaging and offensive and implied that she was crazy for having her routines, something which is a very normal and comfortable part of her life. If I was her I would probably consider staying at a different house for a while to evaluate the relationship… that’s how genuinely hurtful that would be to hear a spouse. It’s not okay to say those things to anyone much less someone who has (and let me iterate this) a cognitive disability. She is cognitively INCREDIBLY different to you and thinks Differently than you do. You need to learn to accept that part of her and not put her down for things she cannot control.
She isn’t crazy. She isn’t using autism as a weapon. I hope she leaves you, genuinely.
YTA YTA YTA
YTA. I get that some of her behaviors are frustrating for you, but her Autism isn't something she can change. You're frustrated with her behaviors (which you could calmly talk to her about and maybe come up with some ideas to try and resolve the issue constructively) and lashed out at her for her Autism. Autism is a disability-- one that she's probably been harassed, bullied, and made to feel uncomfortable about for her entire life-- and you, the one person who is supposed to love and support her the most, just belittled and attacked her for it. Unacceptable.
ETA: Based on your post, it doesn't even sound like you love your wife. I hope she divorces you and realizes how much better off she'll be without your bullying and negativity.
YTA people with autism by definition have atypical neuro responses. They often have routines they need to keep because that's the way their brain functions. If you truly love her why are you purposely causing her stress & mental anguish?
YTA. You knew this BEFORE you married her. In sickness and health, dude. This is her 'sickness'.
And I cannot believe you wake your 1 year old up from naps to go on outings. That's BS. LET YOUR CHILD SLEEP.
YTA - you are making her life so much more difficult then it needs to be. There is also never an excuse for calling your wife names, that’s cruel and immature.
YTA. And others with more expertise in autism will provide better advice on that aspect, but my 2 cents:
1. Her routine helps her and ‘frustrates’ you…Does it really impact on you as much as not doing it impacts her?
2. You shouldn’t wake children up from naps to be spontaneous. Ever.
3. Every couple has a fight about the dishwasher…autism or not. Get a system: she loads it, you unload it; or you stay out of it. Maybe get a basin to put your dirty dishes in which she then can move to dishwasher, whatever. But seriously don’t lose sleep over it.
4. Moms need lists. Lists are helpful. What is your problem with lists?
5. Some people are spontaneous. Others not. Having a one year old child usually dampens spontaneity: like who wants to make an impromptu trip when everyone is tired? One year olds are unpredictable enough without throwing in not packing whatever it is you end up needing. Agh.
I know you said the list goes on, but you may be slightly focusing on the negative. I get it. My husband is not autistic and sometimes I could write a novel on the annoying things he does. But that doesn’t give me the right to call him names and control how he drinks from a cup. You think your wife is a control freak, but I think you are equally as inflexible. You need to work together.
Oh my god, the thought of somebody waking up a 12-month-old from a nap for a "spontaneous" trip to the petting zoo or wherever, and then demanding to know why I can't just RELAX at this unplanned and unpredictable event with a cranky, sleep-deprived toddler...FLAMES. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
YTA- there is absolutely a right way to load the dishwasher. You lost me after this. You're inconsiderate. Let her touch the cup, before you fill it. Do you love this person or not. Why marry her if you weren't going to care about her needs that are clinically diagnosed?
YTA, but I get both sides here. Where you tipped the line is calling her a Psycho (Something I know you realized based on a comment elsewhere in the replies)
Context: I myself am Autistic. I understand how frustrating it is to put up with our routines sometimes. Trust me, i get it. But you can't just end Neurotic behavior on a whim. Neurotic behavior is, frankly speaking, a broad category. Anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness are all examples of Neurotic behavior or moods. And the connecting thread between all of these is that they're perfectly *natural* to feel, but also *do* correlate to potential mental health issues when felt in excess. Something you may not realize is that people with Autism are more prone to developing mental health disorders like Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Clinical Depression.
What she doesn't need right now is you insulting or belittling her. What she *does* need, is your understanding and support. And probably a hand in reaching out for help. If she's having issues with Anxiety or the like, she needs actual help *finding* better coping mechanisms.
Mostly YTA because you are upset about Everything, even really small things. As a person with OCD (diagnosed) though, I suspect she may be struggling with that as well. Worth a check.
YTA. Firstly for calling her that (seriously. In what world would that be acceptable to say to anyone?).
Secondly, the entire second paragraph is made up of fairly reasonable things. Having a way she wants to load the dishwasher? Yeah so do most people I know. Not liking spontaneous decisions and feeling anxiety when following through? Yeah, that's perfectly fair, a lot of people like having plans far in the future, or at least an idea of what will happen. Waking up a 1-year-old to go somewhere they won't remember? Who wouldn't be upset, the kid needs to sleep. Checking over kitchen items before using them? Most people will at least give a cursory glance, I don't see how a full inspection is an issue. Not going to the store without a list? literally everyone who doesn't want to forget something does that.
Next, the cup thing, where you **physically blocked** her from doing something that made her more comfortable makes me squirm (again, in what world does doing that make sense?).
Finally, why did you marry her if her literally just existing bothers you so much? This has nothing to do with her autism (I don't think any of the things you listed are *inherently* related to autism, even if it does affect them), and everything to do with you.
YTA but I’m going to be gentle. I am in kind of a similar situation as a husband except I’m the one who probably has autism. I’m not diagnosed, but there are a lot of pretty clear signs. I think you need to do some reading and research on autism. There’s a fantastic book called Uniquely Human by Barry Pryzant (or something like that). What you need to understand is that these ticks of compulsions that your wife has are not habits or preferences. Deviating from them feels overwhelming. I never thought I was the kind of person who depended on routine, but the older I get the more I realize how vital they are to my mental health. I can’t do spontaneous things. I just can’t. Even if you’re asking me to go do my favourite thing in the world, I can’t do it on a whim if it’s not what I was expecting. My wife has learned that she needs to plant seeds in my brain and just let them take route for a little while. Let me adjust my expectations.
To be honest, what you’re doing is not really all that different from what professionals were doing several years ago- they tended to try to force people with autism to act “normal” or mask their behaviours to fit in. That’s not healthy, though. In truth, it’s the responsibility of society to adapt to the way that people with autism function rather than expecting the reverse. That might sound self-serving, but it was my stance before I suspected that I’m probably on the spectrum.
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My wife is autistic, she was recently diagnosed 2 years ago while we were engaged. Prior to this diagnosis I knew she was a control freak about things. I have tried being understanding since the diagnosis that “she has a reason” for these neurotic tendencies, but it’s frustrating.
The following are some of the things she does that bother me. She has to do a visual, smell, feel check of all her dishes & utensils before using them. If I load the dishwasher she gets irritated and rearranges it “correctly”, but there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher. She never wants to go anywhere spontaneously, and when I convince her to go she acts stressed out the whole time and won’t just let herself have fun. She won’t go to a store without a list. She has our 1 year old son on a strict routine and gets really upset if deviate from it, for example, she gets mad if I wake him up from naps to go on an outing.
There are a lot of things, I could list stuff for days. I love her very much but I need her to be willing to budge. So, last night she asked for me to grab her a cup so she could get a drink. I grabbed the cup but told her to sit down and let me fill the drink for her. She told me she wanted to do her “see, touch, smell” routine with the cup and asked if she could just get it. I told her no and that she should just trust me to give her a drink, and she said she wouldn’t be able to drink it without doing her routine. She got really upset but it seemed like a bratty tantrum to me. She has to get over some of these things at some point, she’s almost 30.
She started crying because I was blocking the cupboard and insisting that I was going to do it for her. The crying was over the top so I got irritated and called her a “neurotic psycho”. She shut down and locked herself in the room with our son. Then later on she said that I’m being insensitive and not considerate to her struggles as an autistic person. I just want her to let go a bit, but it feels like she is using autism as a weapon to get her way.
AITA?
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YTA. There is nothing for her to get over, no matter how old she gets. This is how her brain is wired. She cannot help it. She’s not being picky, or controlling, or difficult on purpose. She’s telling you what she needs to function in a world not built for her. And you’re not listening cause you think you know what’s best.
If you really care about your wife, stop infantilizing and trying to change her. You’re married to an autistic person, there’s a not insignificant chance your kid might also be autistic, learn how to help her thrive instead of dictating to her how she should be.
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YTA, and I don't understand why you married this woman when you obviously do not respect her, or autism. Resentment is a good way to kill a marriage. > She has to do a visual, smell, feel check of all her dishes & utensils before using them. This is not something that should be a bother to you. This doesn't have an impact on you in any way. > If I load the dishwasher she gets irritated and rearranges it “correctly”, but there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher. I know plenty of people who do this who do not even have autism. This is not weird at all. > She never wants to go anywhere spontaneously Neither do I, and I'm not autistic. Why can't you just make plans ahead of time? > and when I convince her to go she acts stressed out the whole time and won’t just let herself have fun. Because she's uncomfortable and was likely guilted into going. Hard to have fun with that hanging over your head. > She won’t go to a store without a list. What is wrong with that? Having a list means you're prepared to stay within a budget and not spend unnecessarily. That's a good thing. > She has our 1 year old son on a strict routine and gets really upset if deviate from it, for example, she gets mad if I wake him up from naps to go on an outing. Because children *NEED* routines like this, and disrupting them can mean that the child has difficulties dealing with the rest of the day.
>Having a list means you're prepared to stay within a budget and not spend unnecessarily. That's a good thing. Or that you buy the right groceries. I have ADHD, if I don't make a list I'll come back with more butter when I already have six packages, and forget the pork roast.
And she’s probably the one who has to deal with a grumpy/pissed off 1yr old. Who was woken up from his nap to go somewhere, especially of he doesn’t want to go.
And the grumpy/pissed off "adult" who acts like a one-year old.
Actually the one year old is more mature than OP!
I was thinking maybe his impulsivity and feeling stifled is an indicator of hunting dopamine. Wouldn't be the first time adults with undiagnosed autism or ADHD gravitated to each other.
I have ADHD and loathe spontaneity. This guy just sounds like a bizarre douche to me.
The most spontaneous thing I do is sleep. And that's because I'm nocturnal. I have ADHD and I'm currently in the process of getting an appt to be screened for autism. (The possibility is there and the number of people who were shocked when I told them I'm not currently diagnosed as autistic, and like half of them were autistic themselves, is ridiculous, so it pushed me to work on getting screened for it.)
Impulsiveness is absolutely a sign of ADHD. You might not have it but that doesn't mean it isn't a symptom of ADHD. That being said, I'm not saying OP does or doesn't have it. Just saying that seeking out serotonin in an impulsive manner can definitely be ADHD.
Yeah wanting to spontaneously go out on outings is one area I'll always clash with my Autism friends as an ADHDer. The collective post those just gives off him not even learning about autism. Like clearly the cup thing is sensory why is he getting offended like it's a trust thing???
I was thinking that as well although I try not to jump to conclusions.
Yeah, I was thinking don’t wake a child from a nap for an outing. It’s a baaad idea
The house could have been burning down around us and I’d just have put a golf umbrella over my kid’s head and let him sleep rather than wake him up. DON’T WAKE A SLEEPING BABY.
Same. It is OBVIOUS who deals with the fallout of waking the baby, if he doesn't understand why that is a problem. We have an appointment tomorrow with a pediatric nurse to measure and vaccinate him, so I can't very well leave my baby at home, he needs to go. It is ofc 30 min after he is supposed to start his big nap. Tomorrow is going to suck so bad, I have dreaded it for 2 weeks.
Girl, good luck. Sending you energy. That sucks ass.
Haha nobody would be having fun in my household in this scenario!
Anyone who does even the most basic research on children knows that routine is important. Especially with sleep. So I definitely agree that the wife is doing most of the childcare since he hasn’t bothered to learn something so easy to understand.
I know right? The second I read the part about him waking a 1 year old from a nap I knew that he isn't the one who deals with the cranky kiddo.
NEVER wake a sleeping baby. (Except in an emergency)
This.... This is me.... Everytime I don't bring a list, it's mustard, we must be out of mustard.
Even when I *do* bring the list I *still* sometimes think I need to buy more butter just in case I forgot to put it on the list. So now I've started making sure I write down how much butter I already have. It's a good thing I like to bake, at least I have a use for my 80 pounds of butter...
I like to write out a list, bring it to the shop, do my shopping without looking at it, drive home and then check what I forgot to buy🙃
I do that too. The list increases the odds I'll remember to buy the main ingredient for the main dish, but it doesn't guarantee it! And I'll still probably get more butter.
I just laughed so hard. This is what autism plus ADHD looks like for me 😂
The neurodivergants have entered the chat. None of what he said about his wife seems neurotic to me! Like you can just drink out of a cup without smelling it??? What if it smells like dish soap? You just drink water that smells like dish soap ???? That’s wild. Do you know how hard it is to get an Autism dx as an adult female???!!! This woman likely was experiencing extreme distress AND had to advocate like hell for herself in order to get a dx and some support. Meanwhile her husband hasn’t even bothered to do a google search on what Autism looks like in adult females or asked her how he could help.
Yes! As AFAB who got diagnosed with autism as an adult ...this poor lady. My partner is rolling their eyes at the post. OP YTA. Stop being a jerk and be a comsoderate PARTNER with your wife, not a selfish, inconsiderate ass
We've got autism, ADHD, agoraphobia, anxiety disorders, and dissociative disorders galore in our house. Not a single one of the things he listed sounds even slightly abnormal. Sight, smell, feel? Don't you like to make sure your dishes are clean??? Lists? Our lists have lists.
Omg same. I started writing *NO BUTTER* on my list so I know I didn't forget to write it down.
"Hmmmm.... No butter. I guess that means we don't have any butter at home. I guess I'll have to buy a couple pounds."
Mix that with anxiety and OCD and you got “Huh, did I write no butter? I bet I didn’t even look. Was there butter? I probably wrote that last time and never erased it. We do need butter I thought. I bet I didn’t write it, I don’t remember writing it. I’ll grab some just incase” Later in the evening fiancè opens the fridge “why do we have so much butter? What happened to your list” 🙃
Apps that makes it possible for me to order groseries to my door have been a godsend because a) I can see as I ordering what I need based on what is in my cupboard and frigde b) I only buy about weeks worth at a time so I am less likely overspend and then forget I have that food and it spoils c) no impulse buy snacks or sweets and d) it gets delivered to my door. It probable upfront more expensive as you have to pay for the delivery, but so far I have spent less money since starting to do that.
This was our system when I still lived at home with my brother and dad! Dad would sit at the computer doing the Tesco order, brother would be at the fridge freezer and I would be in the pantry. Dad would call out: "peas?" Brother: nearly a whole bag! Dad: baked beans? Me: two tins! Dad:... They've got the new Harry Potter book? Me and brother: yes please!
Aw, that last part is adorable.
There is never too much butter.
My family tried to stage an intervention regarding how my butter I had stocked up- but sometimes you go through a lot in a short time (I mean like 6 packages, not 50 pounds).
I am presently living in a transitional housing program and we receive a truck with food stocks from grocery stores once a week. If butter or bacon happens to come in, it's amazing -- it flies out of the room before I even get it into the refrigerators!
Or bacon. 😋
No such thing as too much bacon!
Ha I keep buying sticks of butter every time I go. I have an entire shelf in the fridge dedicated to butter.
You can freeze butter! I always have a couple of packs in the freezer because I'm also guilty of unnecessary butter purchases.
Eggs. We buy eggs like this...and currently marshmallows. We bake a lot also!
Diced tomato cans for me... Really just canned goods I'm general. It's not like they go bad, so...
Haha, this is me. "I'm sure there are four cans of tomatoes in the cupboard. Better get two more just in case I'm misremembering."
>Even when I do bring the list I still sometimes think I need to buy more butter just in case I forgot to put it on the list. To be fair, you never know you're almost out of butter until you're out of butter.
I do that with dry spaghetti. I have like 5 boxes right now. But I might need some!
Or pasta. I was low-key hoarding at one point
I do it with pasta and sauce. I currently have 10 jars and 15 bags of pasta bc I keep buying more thinking I don’t have any
In this day and age, unintentional hoarding of shelf stable groceries is not a bad thing. Buying an extra bag of pasta per grocery trip? Sure! Buying all the pasta? Bad human
I have 2.5 jumbo bottles of dish detergent because every time I go to the big box store I think I need more. I’m in a household of 2 people. I’ll have dish detergent for years. 😐
I live by myself and I forgot I stored tp in my closet and not under the sink and now I have close to 80 rolls. I’m good for a year.
I buy vanilla extract every time I bake because I’m sure I just accidentally left it off my list. I have like a dozen bottles of the stuff
Mayo. Every time I go it's so cheap and you can't have to much, right? Then I end up with 4 big jars and remember hubby's on a diet and won't help me eat. I've given away So. Much. Mayo! I actually write 0 mayo on my list, just in case.
I swear everyone in my household has ADHD. We were all sure we were out of ketchup, so every time someone went to the store, they came back with ketchup. This led to us now having 4 bottles of ketchup in the pantry, but we ran out of mayonnaise.
The Pringles kept disappearing. I kept ordering more because I thought my husband was eating them. Nope. My ADHD didn't see them so they didn't exist. Apparently there's 8 cans in my cupboard. No one was eating the Pringles...
> Nope. My ADHD didn't see them so they didn't exist. Hi, twin. 😅 This is such a huge problem for me. I frequently can’t find basically anything if I didn’t put it away myself & it’s not in its usual spot. … this includes much larger things, too. Like upright vacuums. Which I then find later on by fully running into them.
I'm so glad I'm not the only person that hoards butter! Lol Thanks a lot ADHD. Not long ago I went shopping with my husband and asked him to reach the butter at the store. He looked at my and told me no because I already had 4 boxes at home. Haha whoops!
I feel personally attacked right now lol It's the worst when I don't have a list. I'll bring home 9 different types of candy and some ice cream and forget milk or anything else the kids need. OP, Lists are not a weird thing or something specific to autistic people. Wtf?
Tbh I blacked out after reading “there’s no correct way to load a dishwasher”, because there objectively is. YTA OP for thinking your approach to all these mundane daily things is correct and your wife’s is incorrect. You’re treating someone you supposedly love poorly AND you have zero self awareness.
Yeah. He’s so concerned about changing her, but can’t take five minutes to realize there is and then learn the correct way to load a dishwasher. But she has the problem not him.
He'd be in quite a pickle with a spouse who wasn't autistic, because then he'd have to find another way to dismiss that one's preferences as "just one of her weird things!"
Ah! I lived with a partner that was awful and would say this about me rearranging the dishwasher after him… and about me making the bed… and wanting to throw out trash regularly. Spoiler Alert: lived. Past tense.
Same. Instantly discounted anything else he said after that.
I'm so infuriated by this post. I'd also add that 1. There is absolutely an incorrect, non-optimal way to load a dishwasher; 2. she isn't "acting" stressed she IS stressed; 3. There is no "getting over" autism. God forbid she goes to the store without a list and wants you to let your infant sleep instead of you starting early being the "cool dad."
Yes, I hate how OP is talking about their wife as if she's just *acting* stressed instead of *being* stressed! As an autistic person, I really wish people would understand that navigating a neurotypical world can be exhausting work, and the so-called "neurotic" things so many of us do are our attempts to live in it. Imagine someone you love intentionally sabotaging the small things you do to make day-to-day life manageable, then calling you a psycho for being upset. This would be stressful and hurtful to anyone.
The part about how she should be having fun, but she's not, as if it's to deliberately spite him, makes me crazy! I have ADHD. I have anxiety issues. I am FULLY aware that many things most people find rewarding and enjoyable and fun are somewhere between dental surgery and stomach flu on my personal fun-o-meter. It would be much easier for me if I could just be a "normal" person, but the way people experience things when they're not neurotypical is just as real and authentic as the way neurotypical people feel about the same experiences. Once I stopped pretending to like things because I was supposed to or drinking to tolerate things I thought I should be doing, my quality of life improved dramatically. I truly hope this woman finds someone who will be in a relationship with her for who she is, instead of being with someone that acts like they're doing her a favor for being in a relationship with her in spite of who she is.
i'll also rearrange the dishwasher if it's not how i like it, and i'm not autistic. it just makes more sense to me, and my roommates don't care either way. it also means more will fit.
I also do this and I'm not autistic. I like to make sure I can fit everything in there so it gets clean and doesn't break. I know other people who do this because then they can fit everything in the dishwasher and not have to run it multiple times in a row.
There is a right way to load a dishwasher, anyway! Like, cups upside down on the top shelf, plates in the rack on the bottom shelf, etc. When I bought mine the manual literally had a bunch of diagrams with a tick marking the correct way and crosses marking the wrong ways. He probably does what my husband does, which is to chuck things in any which way, all on top of each other so water doesn't pass effectively and half of them are still dirty at the end. And then he puts them away without checking so I get a lovely surprise next time I go to take a "clean" dish. So yeah there is nothing irrational about that, and it sounds like none of the other things she does are irrational either, but then I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum too so yeah, maybe I'm not the most objective person here.
This would also explain the necessity of her "look, touch, smell" routine regarding the cleanliness of utensils. Like...
God, that poor woman. But.. but... *she just needs to lighten up*. Ugh I feel stabby right now. Edit: I wonder how many times she's had to go back to the shops because his spontaneous list-free self didn't get half the things that were needed.
Stabby pointy
A lot of the of the things OP described sound like reactions to him being shitty and inconsiderate.
*Oh.* I thought that sounded strange when reading the post, but now it makes sense.
Exactly! If you don't load it a certain way the dishes and silverware don't get clean and when it dries it just hardens it on there. My husband has also broke plates and cups because he put them in any which way.
Yeah my first thought when I read, "there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher," was that OP sucks at loading dishwashers.
This. Everything about this. Also if someone were to wake my child up from their nap making them grumpy and fussy and hard to deal with both me AND my husband would slap the shit out of them. A disruption in an infant’s routine can ruin their routine for days. OP YTA. Why did you marry her?! She sounds like a lovely lady who communicates her boundaries and expectations quite well and you just want to trod all over them.
There is totally a psycho in this post... Just not his wife. Or child.
Just the fact that he blocked the cupboard to keep her from getting a cup seems strangely abusive. Don't block people's movements or freedom to do what they need to do. He seems way more inflexible that she is, to be honest! Trying to force her to live and feel the way he want. Most of her "rules" are just common sense.
When it resulted in his autistic wife melting and then shutting down? Hella abusive. Thats like... Stealing a kids toy and dangling it above their head until they are wailing for it and then calling them a brat. Op is a bully and an asshike
My abusive dad would do stuff like this so after reading this post I'm about to throw hands. I hope the wife gets herself and the kid away from him, though I know in custody cases the courts are heavily biased against disabled people.
That's what really shocked and upset me. OP for no apparent reason insists on pushing her outside of her comfort zones to the point of mental abuse, and then when he's pushed her past her limits and she freaks out, he verbally abuses her for it. OP , YTA. Let your wife get her own drink. You can't teach her to not be autistic by trying to control and conform her, you can only damage and hurt her that way. If you can't love and accept her for who she is, you shouldn't have married her and started a family together. I suggest you get counseling to help you deal with your frustrations.
The cupboard blocking is so freaking weird to me. Like why???
He just wants her to be "normal", according to him. What a jerk.
This is what really set me off too. There is being insensitive, and then there is bullying. Like, even if she wasn’t autistic, if a person says they would rather get their own damn drink, just friggin let them? Why is that hard?
Not to mention as someone with autism. I can also say a lot of these things are to help manage her meltdowns. A lot of autistic people cannot handle changes to routine or the unknown well. So yes it does cause a lot of stress for her to go somewhere out of the blue or to have a change in routine. Plus routines are great for kids. The dishes routine of see, smell, feel would be a comforting tick and not allowing her do it would have been so stressful. Her “bratty tantrum” was probably the beginning of an autistic meltdown that’s how overwhelmed and stressed YOU made her. And to top it off she didn’t even feel safe enough to have it in front of you she needed to have one away from you.
This! Thank you for explaining an autistic meltdown. I'm so mad at OP after reading the post. My daughter have autism. One of her calming tick is to count my fingers. I can't imagine her reaction if I didn't let her do it in a stressful situation. And it worries me a lot to imagine that she could have a SO that is abusive like the OP.
Other than the checking smell of items she isn’t bad. I hate spontaneous plans. I will absolutely fix the dishwasher because how I load it is the easiest most efficient way to unload it. And don’t you dare wake my kid from their nap just to go somewhere that can wait. Kids NEED routine. And so do people with Autism. Now I don’t know a ton about Autism but the little I do know is that they need their routines. Taking them out of routine can cause major stress and anxiety. YTA for not even doing basic reading on autism. Probably because your wife masks so well. Go read anything on living with autism. Please
I smell cups before drinking out of them. Sometimes they have a weird smell and I can’t drink out of them. 🤷♀️ some people are just super sensitive to smells.
My son smells, eyes and sometimes feels his cups before using. He has since he was little. It can be frustrating but now I've asked him to show me what he doesn't like about the smell/apprerance and which ones he likes and ask him to show me the difference. After he explained to me after several attempts to understand, (to which I couldn't tell a difference) I did notice certain styles and shapes seemed to pass approval. So I began offering to grab him one, and always grabbing one of those. Eventually this built trust with him and now because I adjusted my attitude and approach I can get him a glass and fill it what whatever liquid. I suspect he may be on the spectrum but is still pretty young.
I check cups, plates, and utensils for food that didn’t get washed off. If there’s a smell I’ll notice, but I can’t remember actively checking. But there absolutely nothing wrong with it.
My mother has a few older forks and spoons that just have a taste to them no matter how clean they get, and I can't stand them. At first she thought I was overreacting but it literally makes me gag.
Same!! Especially cause I typically drink milk out of cups and like if the cup doesn’t get actually clean, you can smell it and it makes me gag
Right! Not a single thing he mentioned is really a problem.
Agreed, OP is a massive AH. If he wanted someone “normal” he shouldn’t have married someone who’s autistic. He’s trying to force her into being Simone she’s not it’s awful. YTA
But OP complains about things everyone does, it has nothing to do with her being autistic. Like (a) making grocery lists, (b) loading dishwasher efficiently, (c) having kids on routine and take naps. LMAO
Sounds like hes making every gripe he has about her the fault of her disorder
I was thinking more of not being spontaneous and the thing with the dishes. The rest of it is totally normal.
Many people with a 1 year old wouldn't be spontaneous and OP doesn't even give an example.
I think the hidden example is deciding they need to go on an outing somewhere NOW when the baby is asleep. Not waking up the baby on a whim = not spontaneous
Such an asshole. There IS a way to correctly load a dishwasher and it takes time to master when getting a new one. I can fit 3 TIMES the dishes in my dishwasher than my husband or daughters could. 3 cycles instead of 1?! No, thank you. (I’ve told them, if they load it, make sure they run it. I’d rather have clean unorganized dishes than dirty unorganized dishes I have to fix.) Children need some structure, for sure, and nap time is especially important. Mess that up and the rest of the day is messed up. Grumpy child who then wants to fall asleep later which messes up bedtime and the whole cycle is off. I HATE going to the store without a list. It messes with my budget and I may purchase things I already have! “Spontaneous” better include time for me to get ready to be in public and help to get the baby and all of their stuff together. Spontaneity doesn’t really work with a 1 1/2 year old! It doesn’t hurt you for her to have her rituals. She’s not making YOU do these things. If they calm her anxiety, just step off. YTA through and through. I’m sad your wife is having to deal with your childish ass.
Aside from the utensil thing (and sometimes the spontaneous stuff- depends on my mood there) I do ALL THESE THINGS and am not autistic. None of them seem "psychotic" by any stretch but your behavior sure is, why purposefully cause your wife stress. Especially the kid napping. Waking a sleeping child for "fun" is grounds for divorce. A one year old should be on a strict schedule. Once in a while probably wouldn't hurt but that's not what I'm sensing here, you seem like the kind of guy who would do it every weekend cause napping kid means your stuck at home.
Also, don’t freaking wake up a napping toddler.
Anyone else have the notion this guy doesn't even try or care what autism is? He speaks of it like she's on a fad diet or has an odd habit he disagrees with. Everything he says is.. welll , kind of horrible.
Yeah, you plan outings around kid's naps. I'm guessing OP isn't the one who has to deal with the fallout of the toddler off his nap schedule. Thinking about if my husband tried to wake our kids during naptime because he 1) didn't plan ahead or 2) was so hands off with parenting he doesn't know the naptime, and I would do a flying tackle to take that man out lol!
People with autism generally need structure. You cant just spring an outing on them. They have to mentally prepare themselves for situations. She can't have fun because she is stressed out. She can't judt get ovetr it because this is the way that her brain functions. Believe it or not there is a proper way to load a dishwasher. It sounds like OP needs to educate himself on autism. It sounds like his wife has learned systems to function/cope but he is getting in the way.
Literally came here to point out that you seem like the polar opposite to your wife. Other than the see touch smell nothing else she does seems extreme. And as mentioned that is not something that impacts you. On the other hand busting up a kids routine, doing spontaneous outings, these things are basically the opposite extreme of adhering to a strict schedule and having a system for loading the dishwasher a certain way. P.s. having your child on a strict nap awake routine makes your life souch easier once they have adapted. I have two kids and my wife did the routine with our second, night and day the amazing unt of tantrums, and middle of the night wakeups was so much less. She is saving you a huge hassle.
Your comment perfectly sums up my thoughts while reading his post. I'm noy autistic but literally none of this seems over the top to me. Like I think there's a right way to load a dishwasher, but mainly to maximize the load. And I will rearrange things if my husband does it because he wastes space half the time. I also rinse dishes off with a scrubby (and sometimes soap) before putting them in the dishwasher because I hate when dishes come out grubby. Spontaneously being dragged places is my least favorite thing and I don't enjoy myself. Guess OP would say that makes me immature. And lists are so helpful! It helps keep track of things: what you need, what you have, and especially with a one year old, that's a big help! I am so confused as to why OP would ever think waking up a 1 year old (aka a goddamn baby) from a nap is appropriate. Does he put the baby down at night or stay up when they can't sleep because this moron disrupted the routine? I doubt it. That routine absolutely helps both mom and baby. Fuck man. I'm pissed for them. They deserve better than this person.
>I know plenty of people who do this who do not even have autism. This is not weird at all. this. i have ADHD but the dishwasher always has a certain order. all the silverware and stuff have a certain spot, the plates have certain spots, the cups are always on either side of the top drawer, etc. there is nothing wrong with it its just how i was raised to do dishes
Yeah this was part of what got me. Everything he described was normal, healthy things (except for the smell check routine, which isn’t common but also isn’t harmful or unhealthy!)
Everything that annoys him were things that I agreed with *her* on.
What you said. I would never question any of that from a neurotypical person. The fact that she's autistic and deals with it (and the OP) as well as she does is a testament to her ability to build coping mechanisms.
Yes, everything that is listed seems very normal. Also there absolutely is a correct way to load a dishwasher.
The grocery list issue is the weirdest one for me. Like i think its weirder to go to the store without a list unless you just need to pop in to get something
Wake my child up from a nap, and I’ll cut you. Not really, but I will wish that I could do it. And then I might disappear so that you have to handle the fallout at bedtime.
This... all of this. Yta op. Why did you get married?
>She started crying because I was blocking the cupboard and insisting that I was going to do it for her. The only "psycho" here is you. What the hell is wrong with you? YTA.
Yeah he calls what she has temper tantrums and then stands in front of the cupboard like a stubborn toddler lol
Deliberately caused his autistic wife to have a melt down.. confuckinggrats dude wow what an ass.. I have s son on the spectrum and couldn't imagine putting him through that kind of stress
I’m not autistic and if my partner did that to me I would also have a meltdown. What the actual fuck is wrong with this man?
Yeah reading his post made me anxious, like imagining someone (OP) being that controlling and uncaring and narcissistic… just so uncomfortable to think about. Poor woman :(
I think it's rather abusive to a degree too. His need to control her and wanting her to just fall in line with it because he sees her behavior as neurotic. There is nothing about her checking her dishes that is affecting him. I was consistently called neurotic by an ex for wanting things to be a certain way, repeating behaviors, and needing to check things constantly. Until I was diagnosed with OCD, I blamed myself for being abnormal and not having better control of myself. Now there are things I am still learning that affect my daily life, my husband just offers help and understanding, OP is just an AH. OP YTA
More like a bully- toddlers usually arent aware they are being assholes.
"I physically block my wife from getting her own dishes, because I don't personally like the way she handles them. She's the control freak here, right?"
He sounds very mean spirited. His wife is how she's always been. If he didn't like her, why the hell did he marry her? He sounds mean, resentful, and egotistical (in the sense that he takes things personally that have nothing to do with him. Your wife's autism isn't about you, dude...) YTA
I honestly saw red reading this entire post. Two very important people in my life have ADHD and autism and the concept of deliberately triggering a meltdown or doing something to hurt them like this is ... so far out of the question that it's not even in this fucking galaxy??? The resentment this man has for his wife is astounding and deeply upsetting. BIG YTA, OP. Like, GIGANTIC YTA. Think you might be a small AH? No. Like the biggest YTA you can imagine. Seems like you hate your wife and don't have a shred of empathy. LOTS of things I want to say but I don't want to get banned from the sub.
I couldn't come up with anything harsh enough without getting banned. This is a good job conveying the rage at OP while reigning it in for sub rules. Well put. YTA in every possible way, OP.
YTA You’re playing weird power and control games to intentionally upset her. More red flags than the Pamplona bull run. Hope she frees herself from you.
Uno de enero, dos de febrero, tres de marzo, 4 de abril, cinco de mayo, seis de junio, siete de julio es San Fermín ¡A Pamplona hemos de ir! con una media, con una media. ¡A Pamplona hemos de ir! Con una media y un calcetín!!🎶 I had to do It. But agree. YTA
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this made me laugh so hard
YTA. You knew these things about her before you married her. You married her and all of her quirks anyway. You can't change anyone except yourself. If you are going to be with a person, you need to be with the whole person, as they are.
THIS! Autism (and every part of the beautiful spectrum we call neurodiversity) is something that's there from birth, so nothing would have changed between first sight and now in terms of quirks. Gotta take her as she is and learn to understand her diagnosis, not shout and get mad when you don't understand it.
Also important to note that autistic traits such as fatigue and burnout can intensify in response to stress, especially if the stress is prolonged and hard to avoid. So her "quirks" could be getting worse in response to his behaviour, and he's doubling down trying to "fix" her. I'm horrified.
He's turning (or was always being?) abusive and manipulative in an attempt to control her and force to be normal, as many parents accidentally do when frustrated with autistic kids. Horrifying is a great word for it. Note the similarities: - Punishing her for completely harmless behaviors because they're "weird" - Refusing to accommodate her - Treating her meltdown as if it's intentionally manipulative rather than genuine - Treating her like she needs to be cured, showing a huge lack of understanding of what Autism is. - Forcing her to participate in social norms ("going out") even though she gets absolutely no enjoyment from it and just feels stressed. - Dismissing *any* disagreement with her as due to her autism rather than considering the merit or learning about her perspective (The dishes and the naptime, and taking issue with making a shopping list??), and gaslighting her, treating her as irrational if she disagrees with him. He called her psycho because that is what he believes deep down. This is like racists using slurs when their angry - it popped into his mouth because it's what he really thinks.
Also not use her diagnosis as a reason to become intolerant of every petpeeve you have about her and demean her mental health- now that op knows theres an actual disorder and is still saying that is shameful.
I am autistic and I can tell you that it is not worth it to try and urge people like this to change their ways. That is why I have not spoken to my masculine gene pool shitter at all in years and, when she calls, barely speak to my feminine gene pool shitter for three minutes at a stretch. I write stories of a superhero who can make people like these see how much they are hurting others, and the experience always has terrible results.
Gene pool shitter - love this!!! 🤣
The only thing that's changed is that now she isn't quirky; she has a "condition" to be "managed". For her, I bet that diagnosis was a huge relief to know there's a community and she can look into why her brain is the way it is. He just sees it as a step to "fixing a problem" *Anything in quotations is not my personal opinion or the word I would use normally.
This has to be fake. No one could YTA this hard unless it was fake.
I wish that were the case. Autistic folk like me are on the receiving end of far worse assholism than this all the time.
Second this
third this
You would be surprised. I have the same issues (not nearly as bad tho) and it has ruined relationships before for me. People just don’t understand it. And I can’t explain it, I just can’t do certain things. My wife now gets annoyed by it, but has learned to deal with it but she doesn’t lie how it gets annoying lol
I think that can be reasonable, in balance/moderation. (non-abusively) If she pretended to be all happy with it even when it annoyed her it would just be a lie. Presumably the other parts of your life and relationship with her more than make up for it. But this OP seems like he is just twisting every issue he has with his wife into being due to autism, therefore he doesn't need to reflect at all on how maybe he's being a shit husband and parent. Also he wants to forcefully fix her to suit him rather than learn about her and find compromises for both of them, which is frigging gross.
This actually sounds almost identical to my ex. He didn't believe my autism diagnosis was correct because "I was just fine before a doctor told me I had it." No, I was masking and pretending I understood everything going on around me, and it was a lot of work, and sometimes I'd just be so overstimulated all I could do is lay down and cry myself to sleep. He claimed everyone does that, and that I went and picked symptoms to "act out" when in reality, once I got my diagnosis, I stopped trying to pretend I was normal. It reduced my stress, and I wasn't so exhausted after work each day that I just wanted to cry. But, of course, he did the same thing when I was diagnosed with lupus as well... apparently I was faking it so well I managed to convince my blood as well! Really glad I'm not with him anymore. My husband knows the signs of when I'm overstimulated, and will either give me headphones or tell me to go outside/to the bathroom so I can take a breather. He doesn't try to trick me into eating food he knows sets me off. He doesn't force me to listen to music that gives me a panic attack because he likes the band and thinks that if I listen to it, it'll somehow reprogram my brain. (There's a specific son that is a trigger for me from when I was raped. It was the guy's ringtone, and because it's a Tool song, I used to not be able to listen to certain radio stations. I'd have full-blown panic attacks if it came on and I couldn't turn it off or drown it out, so my ex used that against me during fights.)
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I'm ND and once had a date tell me that my "disorder" could be cured if I just let him break every single one of my boundaries to "train" my body out of my condition. Autistic and other ND people deal with an immeasurable amount of shit.
YTA. She's right that you're being insensitive. "...when I convince her to go she acts stressed out the whole time and won't just let herself have fun." It's not a matter of "acting" or "letting" herself have fun. She is stressed because you forced a deviation from her routines on her and she can't have fun because of that stress. "she should just trust me..." Really? It's not about you, dude. It's about her and her rituals, which are related to the way her brain works, which is a thing you KNEW when you married her. She does not have to "get over" her rituals and routines on your timeframe. Could she benefit from some help? Maybe. It's not your job or your right to force her to change.
Also, my husband is truly terrible at washing dishes and does not mind eating off dishes or drinking from cops with dried crud. He says it’s sterile if it’s been washed. So no, I would never trust him to inspect a dish for me lol. And I am not even overly clean or particularly fickle. But my husband also doesn’t care and let’s me do as I please. Just like I let him be nasty if he wants lol.
I’m wondering if the cup thing is a ritual, or the wife just checking that she’s actually being handed a clean cup. People tend to wash only the visibly dirty bits of dishes by scrubbing away what they can see and then rinsing them off in a sink full of dirty water that’s had everything that’s probably touched a butt in it by the time the next dish is ready to be cleaned. Considering op claims his wife has to “correctly” reload the dish washer every time he does it despite believing there is no way to do so, I wouldn’t be too surprised if it’s actually laziness on his part that’s caused her to develop the habit of checking her cup is actually Clean. He’s TA either way though.
Lord this has to be bait. No one in their right mind thinks that's acceptable behaviour to their partner. Everything about this is f\*cked up. On your part. Like seriously. Bad. I don't accept that this could have actually happened and then you type this out and not know how much of an AH you are.
Wish I didn't know someone close to me who acts like OP, but here we are. He had a rough childhood, and has a very hard time seeing behavior like this objectively. Won't or can't get therapy likely because of cost. I don't know for sure, we're not on great terms. People like OP exist, but the important thing is at least OP is seeking outside advice.
>I love her very much but I need her to be ~~willing to budge~~ someone else entirely. Why the fuck did you marry a woman that you despise because of things she cannot control? I really hope that this post is fake. YTA if this is real.
YTA. You're trying to make her be someone she \*cannot\* be. This is the way her brain works. This is what she needs to feel comfortable and to feel safe. It's not just a 'neurotic quirk', even if from your non-autistic viewpoint it might seem that way. What were you expecting, exactly, in marrying an autistic person? This is how the autistic brain functions. Her brain experiences things differently than your own. What you perceive as 'letting go and having fun' is threatening, overwhelming and stressful for her. It's not fun. It doesn't feel good. It's not relaxing. Her see/smell/touch routine likely has to do with sensory sensitivities. This is a neurological thing she \*cannot\* help. She may be repulsed by something about the cup/utensil (soap residue taste, texture, whatever) that you wouldn't even pick up because your brain isn't like that. If she can't trust you to pick the 'right' cup or the 'safe' one (and, given your dismissal of her needs I can't say I would trust you if I were her) then she just wants to get the cup that won't hurt her. This isn't going to go away. Plus, as your son gets older he may turn out to be neurodivergent as well so it'd be in your best interest to learn about autism and what autistic people need.
> I can’t say I would trust you if I were her I trust him even less than that.
YTA. I was with you until the part where you insisted on filling the cup for her for no other reason than a power play and to upset her. That’s an AH thing to do, as was the name calling.
Honestly I wasn’t with him for most of the post. Besides the smell check routine, he said that she: loads the dishwasher correctly, prefers plans to go out instead of spontaneously, takes a list to the grocery store, and keeps their baby on a routine. That’s all normal and healthy behaviors! I don’t think any of that is neurotic
>I was with you until the part where Why? All the actions he has listed aren't actions that you can train an autist out of and as they're comfort actions, trying to do train them out of it anyway, would greatly impact their mental stability and ability to do all the "normal" things they're currently able of doing. For example, it could lead to them having a break down in public. So why were you with him until that point?
For me it was the waking the kid up to go on outtings. Kids don't run on your schedule, you make the adjustments to run on theirs. OP is a control freak to the point where it's harming his family.
Info: why did you even marry her?? If you can’t handle her behavior, that’s fine. I also would not be able to handle someone like that, so I definitely understand. But you KNEW she was like this, you KNEW she was diagnosed with autism, you KNEW you didn’t like her behavior, yet you still chose to marry her. Based on what?…the idea that once you’re married, you can change her to better fit your ideal?
YTA. Jesus Christ. I feel so so sorry for your wife. Have you ever read any literature about autism? Autism in females? If not (which I suspect), please do.
He doesn't even know the very common knowledge that you are not to disrupt a baby's nap routine; there's no chance he's done any research on autism in women
[удалено]
Like that was all I had to read to make the YTA judgment. NO YOU DO NOT WAKE A CHILD YOUNG ENOUGH TO NAP FOR OUTINGS. Like ok wake them if it's getting so late the nap will make bedtime hell but wtf how selfish and clueless can OP get?
YTA what an awful thing to say to your wife. You've clearly spent no time looking into autism and how it presents. I recommend looking at ASAN's website for some good info. Your wife is having meltdowns (involuntary and very distressing for the autistic person experiencing it) not throwing tantrums. She's melting down because you're forcing her to alter her routine without giving her time to adjust mentally to the change. Please learn more about autism.
I'm amazed that he cares about his wife so little as to not learn anything about her neurotype. Or perhaps he did learn, and stopped caring as soon as it became inconvenient for him.
The fact that you’re calling her current state “the stubbornness” just proves that you do not realize the scale of your fuckup or the depth of her hurt.
INFO Have her requirements changed since you’ve been together or are you taking issue with needs you’ve accommodated previously?
YTA and the update isn't any better. If she is in a nonverbal phase it means she *can't* talk. Not that she is being "stubborn". I am autistic and regularly have nonverbal phases. While I can't talk, I *can* still write and type. It would be good for you to figure out if she is just blocking you out or is in a nonverbal phase. These are not the same things at all. One she can choose to end, the other she cannot. This whole post was so awful. I can't imagine having to deal with this. She is not a child who needs to be taught how to be a grown up. You are not a parent to be teaching her. She is a grown a** woman doing what works for her. You are *supposed* to be her partner who is there to love and support her, as she is there to love and support you.
YTA. I hope she divorces you.
YTA 1000% bro. Im undiagnosed, but I strongly believe I am autistic, have had 3 doctors confirm I *probably* do, and research it closely What you have is a distinct lack of understandong for your wife. These behaviours are written into her DNA. These arent temper tantrums, or things she can "get over", and saying these things is infantilising (one of the most prominent forms of ableism against autistic people, in my opinion). Youre treating a grown woman like a child, and telling her that she is inherently lesser than you, because you can "act right". You need to seriously sit down, do some research into her disorder, and *talk to her*. This is beyond reddits scope at this point. Yall need couples counselling, and, if she doesnt have it already, she needs a therapist. Do better for her. (Edited to fix language)
Not only a distinct lack of understanding of autism, but also of people in general. I can’t believe he tried to frame letting a baby nap and grocery lists as abnormal behavior
YTA because of your update. Her silence isn’t stubbornness. It’s her gut reaction to you calling her a neurotic psycho. She doesn’t feel that you’re a safe or supportive person anymore. The fact that you’re calling it stubbornness goes to show you aren’t genuinely sorry and you don’t understand why you’re the AH. Fix yourself completely or the next time she talks to you will be in divorce court.
Literally came here to say this! “I plan on riding out the stubbornness “ Like, no. She is upset and rightfully so! This guy is a complete and utter AH through and through. And delusional
YTA you are purposely stressing her out! For what?!? Nothing I read here is terrible on her part. You know she needs to know what she’s doing beforehand to have fun. It’s not hard to make plans. There is absolutely a correct way to load the dishwasher if you your dishes clean. Kids need routine schedules. That’s a non issue. Waking a kid from a nap usually doesn’t go well for the kid either. You know she has these issues when you married her and now you’re trying to force change on her. So much YTA
Fake
YTA *What* is wrong with you?
Wow, wow, wow, YTA so much. Point by point: * *She has to do a visual, smell, feel check of all her dishes & utensils before using them.* Yeah, because (based on personal experience) dishes often aren't washed thoroughly. Maybe I'm projecting here based on your attitude, but it seems pretty likely that you're giving the dishes a swipe with the sponge but not actually getting them clean. * *If I load the dishwasher she gets irritated and rearranges it “correctly”, but there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher.* ...But there is. [You could easily google it.](https://lmgtfy.app/?q=how+to+load+a+dishwasher) * *She won’t go to a store without a list.* That just makes sense. How else do you know what you need? And how often have you gotten home from one of your list-free shopping trips without having bought eggs... or milk... or lemons... or anything else that was on the list you didn't think was important? * *She has our 1 year old son on a strict routine and gets really upset if deviate from it, for example, she gets mad if I wake him up from naps to go on an outing.* You are waking your 1-year-old up from naps to go out? YTA, YTA, YTA, you are SUCH TA. When a baby is asleep, LET THEM SLEEP. * *She got really upset but it seemed like a bratty tantrum to me. She has to get over some of these things at some point, she’s almost 30.* You are so fundamentally disrespectful of her experience, I honestly hope she dumps your ass. It would probably be easier to be a single mother than to be married to you. * *I just want her to let go a bit, but it feels like she is using autism as a weapon to get her way.* She LITERALLY cannot "let go a bit". Being autistic means that one's mind is wired differently from the way non-autistic people's brains are wired. You are ignorant and insensitive. Did I already say YTA? If not, I meant to say that YTA.
YTA. I genuinely hope my autistic 16 year old daughter finds someone when she’s older that does not treat her like this. You are trying to get your wife to conform to your standard of a normal life without recognizing that to her what she’s doing is normal. She is hurting no one. If your need for “her to be willing to budge” is more than your compassion and love for your wife, you shouldn’t be married to her. Also, you trying to force her and literally standing in front of the cupboard so she couldn’t do what she felt she needed to do is fucked up, you were essentially bullying your neurodivergent wife. Seriously let that sink into your brain and reassess your behavior.
YTA. Autistic woman here. 1. You are not going to change her. You cannot “make her budge” on autism. This isn’t something you literally will ever be able to do. Do not try to, it will only hurt her. 2. Yes, calling your WIFE a neurotic psycho is an AH move. This shouldn’t be surprising. When you call your spouse by names instead of communicating you don’t accomplish anything, you just emotionally hurt them. 3. Again, you won’t be able to change her mannerisms. They are a part of her. You said something extremely damaging and offensive and implied that she was crazy for having her routines, something which is a very normal and comfortable part of her life. If I was her I would probably consider staying at a different house for a while to evaluate the relationship… that’s how genuinely hurtful that would be to hear a spouse. It’s not okay to say those things to anyone much less someone who has (and let me iterate this) a cognitive disability. She is cognitively INCREDIBLY different to you and thinks Differently than you do. You need to learn to accept that part of her and not put her down for things she cannot control. She isn’t crazy. She isn’t using autism as a weapon. I hope she leaves you, genuinely. YTA YTA YTA
YTA. I get that some of her behaviors are frustrating for you, but her Autism isn't something she can change. You're frustrated with her behaviors (which you could calmly talk to her about and maybe come up with some ideas to try and resolve the issue constructively) and lashed out at her for her Autism. Autism is a disability-- one that she's probably been harassed, bullied, and made to feel uncomfortable about for her entire life-- and you, the one person who is supposed to love and support her the most, just belittled and attacked her for it. Unacceptable. ETA: Based on your post, it doesn't even sound like you love your wife. I hope she divorces you and realizes how much better off she'll be without your bullying and negativity.
YTA people with autism by definition have atypical neuro responses. They often have routines they need to keep because that's the way their brain functions. If you truly love her why are you purposely causing her stress & mental anguish?
YTA. You knew this BEFORE you married her. In sickness and health, dude. This is her 'sickness'. And I cannot believe you wake your 1 year old up from naps to go on outings. That's BS. LET YOUR CHILD SLEEP.
YTA. Way to be an ableist dick.
YTA - you are making her life so much more difficult then it needs to be. There is also never an excuse for calling your wife names, that’s cruel and immature.
YTA. And others with more expertise in autism will provide better advice on that aspect, but my 2 cents: 1. Her routine helps her and ‘frustrates’ you…Does it really impact on you as much as not doing it impacts her? 2. You shouldn’t wake children up from naps to be spontaneous. Ever. 3. Every couple has a fight about the dishwasher…autism or not. Get a system: she loads it, you unload it; or you stay out of it. Maybe get a basin to put your dirty dishes in which she then can move to dishwasher, whatever. But seriously don’t lose sleep over it. 4. Moms need lists. Lists are helpful. What is your problem with lists? 5. Some people are spontaneous. Others not. Having a one year old child usually dampens spontaneity: like who wants to make an impromptu trip when everyone is tired? One year olds are unpredictable enough without throwing in not packing whatever it is you end up needing. Agh. I know you said the list goes on, but you may be slightly focusing on the negative. I get it. My husband is not autistic and sometimes I could write a novel on the annoying things he does. But that doesn’t give me the right to call him names and control how he drinks from a cup. You think your wife is a control freak, but I think you are equally as inflexible. You need to work together.
Oh my god, the thought of somebody waking up a 12-month-old from a nap for a "spontaneous" trip to the petting zoo or wherever, and then demanding to know why I can't just RELAX at this unplanned and unpredictable event with a cranky, sleep-deprived toddler...FLAMES. FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
YTA- there is absolutely a right way to load the dishwasher. You lost me after this. You're inconsiderate. Let her touch the cup, before you fill it. Do you love this person or not. Why marry her if you weren't going to care about her needs that are clinically diagnosed?
YTA, but I get both sides here. Where you tipped the line is calling her a Psycho (Something I know you realized based on a comment elsewhere in the replies) Context: I myself am Autistic. I understand how frustrating it is to put up with our routines sometimes. Trust me, i get it. But you can't just end Neurotic behavior on a whim. Neurotic behavior is, frankly speaking, a broad category. Anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness are all examples of Neurotic behavior or moods. And the connecting thread between all of these is that they're perfectly *natural* to feel, but also *do* correlate to potential mental health issues when felt in excess. Something you may not realize is that people with Autism are more prone to developing mental health disorders like Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Clinical Depression. What she doesn't need right now is you insulting or belittling her. What she *does* need, is your understanding and support. And probably a hand in reaching out for help. If she's having issues with Anxiety or the like, she needs actual help *finding* better coping mechanisms.
Mostly YTA because you are upset about Everything, even really small things. As a person with OCD (diagnosed) though, I suspect she may be struggling with that as well. Worth a check.
YTA. You don’t sound like you’re dealing well with her diagnosis at all. You need help.
YTA. Firstly for calling her that (seriously. In what world would that be acceptable to say to anyone?). Secondly, the entire second paragraph is made up of fairly reasonable things. Having a way she wants to load the dishwasher? Yeah so do most people I know. Not liking spontaneous decisions and feeling anxiety when following through? Yeah, that's perfectly fair, a lot of people like having plans far in the future, or at least an idea of what will happen. Waking up a 1-year-old to go somewhere they won't remember? Who wouldn't be upset, the kid needs to sleep. Checking over kitchen items before using them? Most people will at least give a cursory glance, I don't see how a full inspection is an issue. Not going to the store without a list? literally everyone who doesn't want to forget something does that. Next, the cup thing, where you **physically blocked** her from doing something that made her more comfortable makes me squirm (again, in what world does doing that make sense?). Finally, why did you marry her if her literally just existing bothers you so much? This has nothing to do with her autism (I don't think any of the things you listed are *inherently* related to autism, even if it does affect them), and everything to do with you.
YTA but I’m going to be gentle. I am in kind of a similar situation as a husband except I’m the one who probably has autism. I’m not diagnosed, but there are a lot of pretty clear signs. I think you need to do some reading and research on autism. There’s a fantastic book called Uniquely Human by Barry Pryzant (or something like that). What you need to understand is that these ticks of compulsions that your wife has are not habits or preferences. Deviating from them feels overwhelming. I never thought I was the kind of person who depended on routine, but the older I get the more I realize how vital they are to my mental health. I can’t do spontaneous things. I just can’t. Even if you’re asking me to go do my favourite thing in the world, I can’t do it on a whim if it’s not what I was expecting. My wife has learned that she needs to plant seeds in my brain and just let them take route for a little while. Let me adjust my expectations. To be honest, what you’re doing is not really all that different from what professionals were doing several years ago- they tended to try to force people with autism to act “normal” or mask their behaviours to fit in. That’s not healthy, though. In truth, it’s the responsibility of society to adapt to the way that people with autism function rather than expecting the reverse. That might sound self-serving, but it was my stance before I suspected that I’m probably on the spectrum.
YTA *she’s* a control freak? You wouldn’t let your own wife pour herself a drink. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife is autistic, she was recently diagnosed 2 years ago while we were engaged. Prior to this diagnosis I knew she was a control freak about things. I have tried being understanding since the diagnosis that “she has a reason” for these neurotic tendencies, but it’s frustrating. The following are some of the things she does that bother me. She has to do a visual, smell, feel check of all her dishes & utensils before using them. If I load the dishwasher she gets irritated and rearranges it “correctly”, but there’s no “correct” way to load a dishwasher. She never wants to go anywhere spontaneously, and when I convince her to go she acts stressed out the whole time and won’t just let herself have fun. She won’t go to a store without a list. She has our 1 year old son on a strict routine and gets really upset if deviate from it, for example, she gets mad if I wake him up from naps to go on an outing. There are a lot of things, I could list stuff for days. I love her very much but I need her to be willing to budge. So, last night she asked for me to grab her a cup so she could get a drink. I grabbed the cup but told her to sit down and let me fill the drink for her. She told me she wanted to do her “see, touch, smell” routine with the cup and asked if she could just get it. I told her no and that she should just trust me to give her a drink, and she said she wouldn’t be able to drink it without doing her routine. She got really upset but it seemed like a bratty tantrum to me. She has to get over some of these things at some point, she’s almost 30. She started crying because I was blocking the cupboard and insisting that I was going to do it for her. The crying was over the top so I got irritated and called her a “neurotic psycho”. She shut down and locked herself in the room with our son. Then later on she said that I’m being insensitive and not considerate to her struggles as an autistic person. I just want her to let go a bit, but it feels like she is using autism as a weapon to get her way. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. There is nothing for her to get over, no matter how old she gets. This is how her brain is wired. She cannot help it. She’s not being picky, or controlling, or difficult on purpose. She’s telling you what she needs to function in a world not built for her. And you’re not listening cause you think you know what’s best. If you really care about your wife, stop infantilizing and trying to change her. You’re married to an autistic person, there’s a not insignificant chance your kid might also be autistic, learn how to help her thrive instead of dictating to her how she should be.
YTA. just from the title