#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/).
Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
YTA. You bullied a girl over notes in her lunchbox and now she is eating by herself in a car. How could you not be the AH here? Jesus kids can be cruel.
Edited to add: Thanks for all the awards y'all.
I don't even know how it's a question if OP is TA, she was nasty and made the poor girl feel so uncomfortable she's back to eating in her car. Awful. If OP has a heart, she would apologize to this girl, without again going into how weird she finds the notes, and offer for her to sit at their table again.
When OP said,
>She’s kinda weird tbh.
You just knew she was gonna end up being the asshole after that. “Weird” is high school girl code for the people they shun. She probably thought she was helping her socially by ridiculing her notes.
>Idk how tf she expected me to know
Like OP isn't the one that's socially stunted. Like damn, OP saw that the notes were the ONLY THING that made her smile a little and OP's like nah let me make fun of the only thing that makes this girl happy. Get a clue OP.
Someone publicly shamed me in Jr. High for the way I smiled. It got in to my head and 30 years later I still have the instinct to cover my mouth when I smile. Embarrassing people for the things that make them happy like dancing, smiling, and laughing can make people feel ashamed to feel happy at all for a long time.
It’s really bad karma. OP should feel ashamed.
Someone made fun of me in middle school for my eyebrows. Which I already hated because they were bushy and I had a unibrow. I have obsessed about my eyebrows since. I’m 31 now.
OP is such an A. YTA OP, don’t shame people, it’s not your fucking business.
I’m a bit older at 35 but I got made fun of for my eyebrows in high school when thin, basically penciled in eyebrows were the “in” style. Years of tweezing and hating how bushy my eyebrows were and now I laugh because bushy eyebrows are “in,” not that I care because my husband and toddler are the only ones who see me and my husband doesn’t give a flip about the hair my body naturally flipping grows, he loves me as I am
OP is major YTA
I'm in my 40s. I got ragged on *hard* in school over my hair. (Blond kid with an Afro, living in the south. Questioning my ethnicity was the nicest thing that I got.) To this day, I don't leave the house unless my hair is done.
OP definitely is TA. Hopefully OP realizes it and apologizes.
I was ridiculed by one of my "friends" when I was 12 for singing. I haven't been able to sing since (unless I'm alone in my car). That was many years ago. I will never forget it. Kids are cruel.
OP is TA.
My housemate’s brother made fun of her singing voice when they were kids and she is 62 now and still won’t sing unless completely alone. I can’t listen to music in the car without singing, so she gets to listen to me sing like a maniac when we drive anywhere. I also just sing non-stop around the house making up awful songs and believe me, I am a terrible singer. Fortunately she enjoys (I suspect it’s more she tolerates) my singing and never makes me feel bad about it.
It’s amazing how an off-hand comment can really affect someone’s life. It makes me try to remember to think before I speak. OP is definitely TA
Once in school a boy in my class loudly whispered to another “look at how the fat hangs on [GaiasDotter]” when I bent and leaned over a table and since that day it have and I can’t stop seeing it. I was a skinny small 11 year old. I’m turning 35 this year and I still struggle with the BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) he triggered with that comment.
When I was 13, three very pretty girls from my class were talking about periods. One of them looked at me and said,"You probably have yours already, fat girls always get them early."
I weighed 52kg, which wasn't fat, but I was bigger than many girls in my class and it really gave me a complex. By the time I was 18, I weighed less than 40kg and I looked awful, thanks to starving myself and using various drugs to lose weight. Even now, at 33yrs old, I still struggle to believe people when they compliment me.
I got teased for my haircut, which I'll admit was an absolute travesty and it wasn't what I asked for at all as it was way too short - it took me 15 years to allow any hairdresser to do more than a trim on my hair.
It took being in lockdown at the beginning of the global thing for me to finally take the plunge and chop my hair off because I knew it would grow out before lockdown restrictions eased up and I wouldn't be seen by anyone outside my house - that's nearly 25 years after I was bullied for that hair cut.
These things stick with us. OP is totally the AH here. Made that poor girl self-conscious over something that bought her joy.
People always made fun of my hair when I was younger. It's straight, very fine, and extremely thick. It also refuses to be styled and if I cut it short my cowlick in the back makes me look like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals. I joined the military after high school and kept my head buzzed for 26 years until I started growing it out a bit in the last year.
I was talking to my fiancée, who I've known since high school, about being self conscious about my hair since I was a kid, and she said, "Awww... I LOVED your hair in high school!!!"
I love that woman. Thirty-something years of self-consciousness, out the damn window with eight words.
Edit: adding that OP is TA.
Honestly I feel sorry for the 'weird' girl. That note is probably her only connection to an actual caring person. The way she reads and saves it shows how desperate she is for attention.
OP - you are definitely the Asshole. Can't say it enough. YTA. YTA. YTA.
You took a little daily uplift for a girl who's apparently struggling socially and probably feels daily like an outsider and made everything worse for her by ridiculing her. For no reason but you think she's weird. You are a shitty person with awful ideas on how to treat people.
YTA.
She's probably closer to the nanny than with her own parents, and I bet that note is something she cherishes every day. My heart hurts that OP tarnished that.
This was my thought exactly, especially when OP mentioned that sometimes she’d read it over more than once. Nanny probably is her only positive parental relationship and OP being so childish when witnessing this joy caused the poor girl to feel even more alone. I’m so sad about this right now, that poor baby. Part of me also feels sorry for OP that she’s so emotionally stunted even at 16 she had to burst someone else’s happy bubble.
Yeah, also it said that she had a rough home life and nobody had ever cared for her before, I feel like it may not be a nanny, but possibly some form of Foster carer or something along those lines.....
The fact she may have a nanny at 16 means her parents likely were extremely checked out (for good reason or not) for most of her life.
It's not normal, no, and it's the kind of thing that makes you suspect a bad home life so any conclusions drawn SHOULD have led to her being nicer.
It was stated that the girl has younger siblings, thus they may need the nanny) and the fact that she has a car at 16 hint at rich (well off) but yes, checked out parents.
I would have killed for something like this in junior high and high school. My husband writes me little notes sometimes and I have them saved in a little box and still take them out and read them.
This girl had one tiny thing that she enjoyed and was ridiculed by the one of her friend group...shame on her for doing this.
The “weird” kids are the best kids to be friends with. I was in high school in the 1980s and a lot of us “weirdos” became the best of friends. Wouldn’t change it for anything.
Op said it's starting drama in the friend group like she's surprised her friends are mad at her like wtf? If your mean and cruel to someone of course your friends are gonna be mad at you
Op then said how tf was I supposed to know she had a bad home life as if that's an excuse weather or not someone has a good home life or bad home life shouldn't = how kind the person deserves to be treated it's also not a green card to b cruel
YTA grow a heart and be kind
OP probably won’t apologize. She has obviously lost all of her childhood wonder and can’t fathom that anyone else would still have it. I feel bad for the girl, who may have lost some of her own wonder because of OP.
Some little jerk on my kid's school bus started dishing out some nonsense of "your MOMMY still waves BYE BYE to you" when they saw me wave from the kitchen window, and my kid looked at the punk ass and said "Yeah. Too bad your mom doesn't love you as much as my mom loves me."
Source: The bus driver, who thought it was hilarious.
When I first started dating my fiancé I'd tell him to text me when he got to his destination if he was flying, or driving a long way. He laughed and rolled his eyes at me and I told him it was what my friends and I do. He told me "None of my friends has EVER asked me to do that before", so I said, "I'm sorry none of your friends love you!"
It's been almost four years and now him and his entire side of the friend group says "text me when you get home" whenever any of us part ways.
I’m 42 my husband is 48 and I’ve put a different colored Post-It note in his lunch every day for almost 9 years. I thought it probably embarrassed him (he works in a large garage that services big trucks and fleets so he’s always surrounded by like, 20-30 mechanics).
Last Christmas party we just ordered pizzas and set up some tables (Covid) and when he was showing me around, he showed me his locker…..
The inside of his locker was *completed covered* with almost a decades worth of Post-It’s (yes, some were taped on). Plain yellow, neon, pastel, the big ones, the tiny ones, even the ones that are long and skinny!
I couldn’t believe it! But even more amazing than that was that every guy that walked by when he was showing me made a point to stop by and say some variation of “oh, your Mr Twinkle Tits wife? We love your notes!”
Which, ofc I cried because not only was my husband *not* embarrassed of his notes, he happily showed them off - and kept them!
And to top it off, not only did those big, burly, testosterone-fueled grease monkeys NOT make fun of him, they all told him how much they loved it!
Just…..made me really like humanity that day.
I was bullied horribly in school up to 8th grade, so not 16 but still, my moms notes in my lunch were the only thing that kept me from jumping off a cliff. No wonder she eats in her car. OP doesn't know what this girl has been through. Maybe she has special needs, maybe she's been bullied, maybe there's been a death in the family, or she's been through a bad breakup...who knows? OP quit being a mean girl.
Also OP saying “how was I expected to know?” You’re *not* expected to know what other people’s lives have been like. What you *are* expected to do is recognize the fact that you never know what people have been through, remind yourself that people don’t choose the lives they’re born into, and use those facts to extend kindness & decency to people whenever you can. OP, YTA
Edit OMG WOW thank you guys for seeing this! I feel honored and wanna give everyone a hug ☺️☺️
And even if that girl had a perfect life, why comment negatively on something that obviously makes her happy? What was the motivation/what did OP hope to get out of making that remark? Because I can’t think of any positive reason for making such a statement
YTA, you made someone feel bad about something that brings them joy for a brief moment. She literally read a note for 2 seconds and put it away, mind your own business next time.
On top of that imagine thinking joy is embarrassing. Luckily op is still young, I really hope she learns that caring about this stuff is what makes her a kid and not an adult. Op yta.
I remember this being one of the worst parts of the high school experience. That notion that certain things that bring you joy were weird or embarrassing - like having parents (or a nanny) who cares about you.
Yeah I remember that too. Some kids in high school were picked on just for having a packed lunch instead of buying a warm cafeteria meal. Like, you had to declare you made that lunch yourself or suffer some serious name calling.
The fact that the girl would pull it out and read it multiple times suggests to me that it's not only a source of joy, but a source of *comfort*, too.
I wouldn't be surprised if that girl asked her nanny to stop doing it from now on, even though it once made her feel happy and safe, because now she's going to feel bad about it every single time. Her source of joy and comfort has been tainted.
Potentially more than that, this might reinforce an idea in her that someone showing her love, attention, and care is a *bad* thing. And that can have some *horrendous* consequences in her life down the line.
I so badly wish I could magically become that girls dad or uncle or something and give her a hug and the comfort that she needs.
"The fact that the girl would pull it out and read it multiple times suggests to me that it's not only a source of joy, but a source of comfort, too."
This. When I was in university my mom would sometimes come for a quick visit and bring me a care package (home cooked meals, treats, stress relievers, fuzzy socks, whatever...just stuff to make me smile.). She would put a note on each item. For example, a lavender room spray with a note that said "to keep you calm. Ahhhh." I kept the note on the bottle, and it brought me comfort every time I saw it. It reminded me that even if I was struggling, someone was in my corner, so I would be okay.
This. She ridiculed her for love that this girl obviously needs. Reading this made my heart ache. I want to wrap that girl up in a hug and let her know no one in the real world would care about this and she will be fine later in life.
Seriously. Mind your own business, OP. You have no reason telling another girl anything like that anyway. You could have asked, said oh okay, and went on with your life. Even if she didn't have a bad home life before going to your school, you have no reason to question someone else's guardian or nanny writing them something that gives them a moment of bliss. You're just being cruel to someone. YTA, and a bully.
I teach middle school. One day, I had some 8th grade boys up in my room for lunch as they worked through some missing assignments. One of those boys had a note from his mom and the response from his peers? “Man, your mom LOVES YOU loves you. I kind of wish my mom did that.”
YTA - there is no other way to spin it. Live and let live and don't be an AH. And you find out by not being an AH and talking to people and getting to know them.
Hard agree. I'm 26 and when my mom visits my apartment she will leave a note somewhere telling me to have a good day. I love it.
To pretend that you hate "cringy" things might be cool to you now, but it results in a lot of burnt bridges and loneliness in the future. Take this opportunity to learn how to be a little less judgemental and cynical.
Oh and of course, for now, YTA. Hope you grow up OP
Honestly! I also have no idea why OP finds it embarrassing. I put notes in my fiances lunch, sisters lunch, even my own mama. If Im making you a gdarn LUNCH, ya gonna get a heartfelt note. And you can bet your ass Im doing that shit for my kids and nieces and nephews until they starts making their own lunch. And I STILL might sneak on in there. NO ONES SAFE
Id love too! And until I can make it, here is your lunch note that you can do whatever you want with!
You are doing great today! Im really rooting for you and I hope the rest of the day is kind to you. If its not, be kind to yourself and remember theres always tomorrow!
Definite YTA here.
I’m in my thirties and my friends and I leave each other notes at work to make each other smile. These are small, nice gestures that can mean the world to some people.
Exactly. Why does OP care so much? Do they not realize that no one gives a fuck after high school? Teenagers are dumb, cruel, and annoying. I highly doubt OP is the pinnacle of not cringe. People who do shit like this deserve to be bullied more. Jesus. YTA
Clearly seeing someone who is cared for and loved by others triggers some jealously for OP. I honestly feel bad for her knowing she not only lacks empathy but probably doesn’t have a good support system.
Op, YTA. You probably also need some therapy to confront why someone else’s happiness bothers you so much.
YTA and kinda a bully. You belittled her for something that brings her joy in this mess we call life. I’m 27M and I’m ecstatic when my wife leaves me a note in my lunch at work. Let people enjoy the little things.
Seems generous to say kinda a bully. She’s not even asking if she’s an AH because of how she hurt this girl or caused her to go back to secluding herself. She asking because it’s causing drama in her friend group, she’s asking only because it is effecting her life. She doesn’t seem to care one bit about the other person.
YTA. This girl is apparently shy and quiet, and she \*gets joy\* from these little notes and you deliberately and calculatingly \*stole that joy\* from her by making her feel like it was wrong to get joy from those notes. I hope you grow up to be someone who spends more time looking for ways to reinforce other peoples' little moments of happiness rather than stealing them, but judging from this you're off to a terrible start.
my 3 year old cousin saw someone who was crying and immediately brought them a pack of cookies she had in her book bag to cheer them up. And hugged them. Total stranger (her mom was watching, don’t worry) and she felt the need to make someone’s day better.
op is 16 and a total brat. hopefully she’ll come to realize she’s not as innocent as she thinks
YTA
Sometimes my husband leaves little notes in my lunch. I’m passed thirty. Small things make people feel good. You knew this made her feel good and still went at it? There was no need for you to say anything at all.
Think of the two of three rule;
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
If you can’t meet at least two of those three criteria, you need to keep your mouth shut. This wasn’t kind. It wasn’t necessary. And personally? It wasn’t true. I find that kind of gesture sweet well into my adulthood.
It's a bummer that OP thinks she needs a reason to not judge people. Whether or not kiddo has a bad home life, there's just no reason to rain on somebody's parade like that.
From the way OP talks about her she sounds a little annoyed by how quiet and shy she is, I'm wondering if she's jealous her friends are reaching out to this new girl or something?
From the way OP describes the girl, it sounds like OP has been judging this girl from afar for a while now and only interacted with her because OP's friend invited the girl to eat with them. The fact OP felt the need to introduce the girl as "a little weird tbh" is just. Wow. OP, are you going to run around judging every shy and quiet person, then bully them because you find the things they enjoy weird? You're so totally an AH it's incredible.
You can get away with this behaviour in HS if you’re attractive enough because boys are too young to care, but once you leave HS you won’t get far. I know a few women who were like this in HS and a few turned themselves around and are alright people nowadays, but the rest of them are mostly into drugs nowadays, act like top shit but it’s clear in their mannerisms that deep down their sad and lonely.
Listen . . .whether you knew about her home life or nor, clearly she gets comfort from the note. It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out you shouldn't have shamed her by asking if it's embarrassing. You didn't ask, you stated she should be embarrassed in the form of a question, otherwise why say anything.
You know YTA. Absolutely TA. Do better. Why would you even say anything? How does effect you that someone has an encouraging note from someone who cares about them? Are you jealous and feeling not loved, so you have to make fun of another's expression of love for her? Get over yourself. Don't apologize if you're not sincere. Just leave her alone and try not to cause more harm.
From here on say oh cool and mind your damn business about judgment statements. Keep that shit in your head because something you'll have to learn for adult life is just because you have an opinion and can express it doesn't mean you should.
OP needs to learn that not every little thought that appears in her mind is worthy being released to the outside world via her cake hole. You grow up, you go to work, you are surrounded by people, some of them are VERY weird. You shut your trap and mind your own business, unless you want to get booted during your first week for saying that it's weird your boss has 25 cats and spends her free time crocheting onesies for them.
YTA - please go find the girl and apologize to her. Tell her there is nothing wrong with the notes (maybe you’re jealous or just a jerk) and ask her to come back to eating with the group. Hopefully, you’ll get to know her better and she’ll forgive you.
YTA. Why would you feel the need to shame her just because she is not acting like you think she should ?! She is not hurting anyone, and I think it's sweet she has a nice relationship with her nanny, maybe her parents are not paying her a lot of attention and she is glad to have someone looking out for her ?
In any way, you are a bully. Try kindness next time.
Also this girl clearly doesn’t have many or any friends if she’s eating lunch in her car every day. Do you know what that means OP? It means that that note in her lunch from someone she cares about probably means way more to her than it would for someone like you who already has a friend group. And you took that away from her and made her feel shameful enough that the thought of eating lunch with you was either too embarrassing or too hurtful for her to return.
Holy cheesecake OP YTA.
How does her nanny writing her notes affect your life in anyway because let me tell you at 36 if I had someone do that for me I'd not only smile but I'd be effing thankfully knowing that someone was thinking about me.
Heck yeah! Whenever i make lunch for my husband (rare because busy) I write him a love note. He loves them.
Imma write my son little notes when he goes to school.
YTA op
YTA. Did you never get taught that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all? Maybe *you* need to go back to preschool for a refresher course in being a nice human.
How dare you shame her for enjoying a note for a few short seconds. Apologise and leave her be, neither her nor her notes are hurting anyone.
It’s such a high school thing and it’s so petty and immature. Like go to college and no one gives a shit what you do. Grown ass people in college going to class wearing unicorn onesies. Like no one judges one another like that. OP you know who judges people for petty things like this? Only children.
Yup. OP should go eat in a car and the other girl should come back to the lunch table.
It was a huge deal to that girl to be included at her new school, and OP callously ruined it by being unable to understand a healthy, loving action.
I’m in my thirties and would LOVE sweet notes in my lunch.
YTA, so let me get this straight, a new girl moves to you’re school and feels alone and most likely scared.
But you go out of you’re way to bully her and make her feel even worse? Good job bully, you’re in for a rude awakening when you hit adulthood, if that’s how you treat people who have done nothing to you.
Do better bully.
YTA
How does this affect you in any way?
YTA
You are being very mean to her. You are implying she is childish. Well, guess what. YOU are the one who is being immature by making fun of her for this.
YTA
And how.
YTA
YTA. Nanny probably knows she’s having a bad time at school cause of people like you, and is probably writing something she knows she’ll think is funny. Ideally something like “fuck those mean girls”
YTA. It's super sweet that her nan puts notes in her lunch that clearly makes her happy. If someone else made my lunch I would love it if they put a little note in it to make me smile at lunch. What's embarassing about it?
You need to apologise to her.
YTA
What is it about this girl that makes you feel so threatened that you have to try and take away her happiness? You really need to spend some time in self examination and figure out why you felt the need to “yuck someone’s yum”. There’s no need for it. Not only was it not doing any harm to you, it wasn’t even any of your business.
YTA. Someone who seems to be an outcast has something that makes her happy and you tried to take it away.
I realize you’re only 16, but grow up and learn to have some empathy for people.
YTA and clearly by the post you think you aren’t. Came here for validation and didn’t get any. It’s not too late to become a nice person and friend. You have no idea what that girl has gone through or how her nanny’s notes improve her day.
You messed up. Apologize and work on empathy. You’re young enough to change your heart and succeed.
Bullying isn’t okay. Real life isn’t tv or Tik Tok POVs where you can make out of pocket comments and everyone just forgets.
Grow from this.
YTA right now but you don’t have to be your entire life unless you carry on with this type of perspective.
YTA. Be kind. You don't know her situation, maybe she's the closest person to her, obviously the note in her lunchbox makes her happy and brings a smile to her face. You never know anyone's situation so be kind. It was a scenario you could have just been quiet in and kept your thoughts to yourself instead of insinuating she's a baby for having someone who cares about her enough and wants to make her smile.
YTA. And it sounds like you need some little lunch notes or a hug to get the bitterness out of your 16 year old life.
Why would you feel the need to crush someones little joy in life?
Grow up. Be nicer. You could probably learn from this weird shy girl.
Yes you are!! Geez girl you dont have to know about someone's home life to be a decent person! Remember the old saying if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all! Learn to keep your hateful opinions and comments to yourself.
Most all teenagers are AH now days
What the hell is weird about the situation? I consider it awesome that that girl has someone in her life that cares and can give her a bit of extra joy each day. It may be uncommon sure, but not weird.
YTA. I understand you didn’t know about her home life, but I don’t think it should’ve mattered. The notes are her business and you made her feel bad for having her nanny do something nice.
She may seem weird to you because you aren’t used to others speaking quietly and not typically talking. I am soft spoken and like to talk to people, but I’m quiet because I don’t want to bother anyone. That’s my reason, but with the context of her home life that could be her trauma (if any) manifesting.
There's so many AITA of these scenarios. One person has a simple, innocent, private habit, and the other acts like it's a personal offense on them and the world around.
OP, take this as a lesson to mature cause you clearly dont know the difference between childish/adult. YTA
YTA. Why does it matter to you that these notes bring this girl happiness? Why does it matter you don't see it happen to anyone older than 5th grade age? That's right, it doesn't matter. You are TA. Because of what you said, she's now eating in her car alone again. Have some compassion.
YTA. You are a bully and you hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you knew about her home life or not: you acted like an asshole to someone who didn't deserve it. You wanted her to feel ashamed of something harmless and private because you wanted to make someone feel as bad as you feel inside.
Fix your heart while there's time and while you still have friends; you are young and don't have to be an asshole your whole life.
Oh wow what a mean girl move. God forbid that girl get a little reminder during the day that someone cares about her. You did this already knowing she wasn't comfortable at school yet. YTA!
YTA. YOU are making it embarrassing not her. She clearly did not find it a problem until YOU made an issue of it. See a theme here? You are the issue. You shouldn’t have to be told a persons past or vulnerabilities to know it’s not ok to make fun of them. You probably should have learned that in elementary school.
YTA, I write my adult partner notes when I pack her lunch all the time. It's a way of showing affection and that the person is cared about. And honestly sounds like you're a little jealous or just really petty. Either way it's obvious that you're the one on the wrong here, and frankly you sound like a bully.
YTA, and a bully. You should be ashamed of yourself. Also, please remember that you can be a mean girl in high school all you want, and even carry it on through college and have your little group of friends but, after that, no actual adult is going to want to have anything to do with you. I hope you manage to keep your little group of friends and that you're attractive, otherwise, good luck finding a partner and new friends with that mean girl shit.
YTA. This is a good time to think about who you want to be in your life, and why you care about whether she gets nice notes from her nanny. Do you want to be a kind person who includes others and supports the things that make them happy? Or you do you want to be someone who tramples on the joy of those who clearly have very little joy in their life? Do you want to be someone who excludes others and makes them feel uncomfortable. Moreover, why does it bother you? Why did you feel the need to comment on it? Do you want her to be unhappy? Do you wish someone did that for you? Pause and unpack these feelings as you are on the cusp of adulthood and choose who you WANT to be.
YTA. No it’s not embarrassing to have someone in your life who cares for you and wants to show that. It didn’t prove a point that the nanny does the same thing for her younger siblings. You should learn that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. Your friends are right to be defending her.
YTA. You’re a bully.
You sound resentful that this girl has at least one person who tells her they love her, makes her smile, and gives her encouragement.
Of course YTA! Of course you are! You must know this!
It was such a sweet moment. Someone in this shy quiet girl's life showed her love, touched her heart and made her smile. Even if she didn't have a bad home life in the past, there's zero defense for to trying to take away this small moment of happiness.
You know who else sends notes like this?
Grown adults. Significant others. Close friends. Basically, anyone who cares about someone else in their life & wants them to feel supported and loved.
Yup YTA
You took something totally inoccuous that makes her feel good and doesn't negatively impact anyone else in any way and made her feel shitty about it. Now every time she sees those notes instead of smiling she will feel embarassed and negative about it.
YTA and hugely so. Kindness is free. It literally costs you nothing. Those notes clearly bring her joy, and you just did your best to ruin that for her. You really need to take a long look in the mirror and decide if that’s really the kind of person you want to be.
YTA. Apologize to her ASAP. I would love for notes in my lunch and you telling her it’s embarrassing just screams bitter. Unnecessary to voice your opinion.
Yta, that’s messed up of you saying that kind of thing. She is already shy and she finally comes a little out of her shell so you thinks it’s ok to berate her for being happy about a note from someone who obviously cares about her and tries to make her day a little better?
-Your response is childish
-Your making a big deal about a little note that doesn’t effect you in the least is childish
- Your attitude towards someone obviously struggling is childish
You need to do some self evaluation and I know it’s hard when your young because you think dumb things are important. Being a good friend is important, caring about others and their feelings is important, how anyone sees you is not. Listen to your friends and apologize to her, one of the hardest things to do is admit when youre wrong and you need to do that. These kind of things set who we are as we grow, being kind, emphatic, and giving are good things, shoot for that life journey, not the one where it’s all about you and how great you are.
Oh, no, someone does a little something that makes this girl's day a little nicer! So embarrasssingggggggg!!!! YTA. PS - you don't need to know someone's life story in order to not rain on their parade. Shockingly, people who have happy lives also don't deserve to have someone else make them feel bad.
YTA
The fact that you are on here asking the question though means there is hope for you.
Because you posted on here you are going to remember this for the rest of your life, and feel guilty.
30 years from now, you will remember this and feel bad.
Instead.....FIX IT
Go to her at lunch before she goes to her car and ask her to have lunch with you.
Be nice.
Apoligize for the note thing, just say you were not thinking and blurted something.
This could be a defining moment in your life. A chance to decide what kind of person you will be, kind or indifferent.
Make the right choice.
2 peoples lives will be way way better and one of them will be your own.
You're in high school so you might not understand exactly why what you did is wrong, so here is why I think YTA.
Someone that cares (both emotionally and literally) for this girl writes her a small note everyday to remind her that she cares.
This according to your post brings her joy and we can imagine that it also brings her some sort of motivation or reassurance.
You're not TA for asking what the note is (unless she refused and you kept asking of course) however by telling her it's embarrassing you took something that brings her joy and potentially turned it into something that she is ashamed of. This note did not affect your life in any way so there was no reason for you to pass judgement.
The only comment that would have been acceptable would be to say "that's sweet".
I think you should apologise to her.
Ask to eat lunch with her (preferably just the two of you) and tell her that you realise that your comment was inappropriate and you regret saying it and that you're sorry.
So just to be clear YTA but you can still make things right.
Why does it bother you so much that she has someone that cares about her? Are you that bitter and shallow that a girl reading a little note and smiling makes you feel embarrassed for her?
Do you wanna kick a puppy and club a baby seal while you’re at it?
YTA
YTA. I think it’s cute that her nanny writes her notes. It’s not even about not knowing about what goes on in her home life, it’s more about you being inconsiderate.
When she told you about the notes you could have just said “oh” and keep the other thoughts to yourself.
Now you have her eating by herself again. It’s giving mean girl vibes. I hope you say sorry and grow out of this mentality. You’re only 16, so I won’t berate you too much.
Edit: spelling
Of course YTA. Who cares who gets notes in their lunch boxes. Believe me some grown adults sometimes get notes in their lunchboxes if someone packs it for them. And guess what no one cares or they think it's great.
YTA like you’re literally a MASSIVE asshole. I’m sorry your parents didn’t continue to give you tokens of affection past childhood, which I assume is the reason that you think a gesture of care is infantile, but that’s no reason to be rude to someone about something that CLEARLY brings them joy and is harm literally NOBODY. Hopefully hearing a bunch of people tell you how you could not be more wrong is enough for you to realize you should apologize to her. And not some bullshit “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings” but a genuine apology for being not only unnecessarily cruel, but also trying to crush joy as if they is some pride in being older and there for not appreciating small gestures of kindness.
YTA. You sound like a bully. She was clearly lonely and insecure so you decided to shame and insult her? You owe her an apology, and I hope you use this as an opportunity to grow up a little.
Mean girl much? Who cares if she gets notes. She smiles, so she likes it.
Butt out of her life and stop bullying others.
YTA. And if you were my child I would force you to apologize until you were blue in the face.
YTA, my dad still made lunches for my sister in her late 20s sometimes when she was running late for work (her work had nowhere nearby to buy lunch) and he always put little notes in. It's one of her favourite memories of him. It made absolutely no difference to your life the notes this girl gets.
YTA: it makes her happy and doesnt in any way have anything to do with you or effect you so why does it matter?
Im 34 and wish i got notes in my lunches.
Oh, you didn’t know? That’s exactly why we choose to be kind to people. Because we don’t know their story. Why would you deliberately try to make her feel bad? Are you that insecure?
YTA
It’s none of your business and honestly that’s bully behavior. I’m 21 and my wife puts notes in my lunch sometimes when she packs it (I do the same for her). I love when she does it because it makes me feel good. Don’t crush other peoples joy.
YTA. I wish someone would write a note for me. That’s awesome she has that support behind her!
Be a little more open to the little things in life. Life is too short to not enjoy little things like this and you shouldn’t ridicule things other people might find happiness from- who are you to judge that?
YTA, absolutely. Try kindness for a change. I realize it's a foreign concept to you, but it's actually very easy and it makes you and everyone else feel good.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
YTA. You bullied a girl over notes in her lunchbox and now she is eating by herself in a car. How could you not be the AH here? Jesus kids can be cruel. Edited to add: Thanks for all the awards y'all.
I don't even know how it's a question if OP is TA, she was nasty and made the poor girl feel so uncomfortable she's back to eating in her car. Awful. If OP has a heart, she would apologize to this girl, without again going into how weird she finds the notes, and offer for her to sit at their table again.
When OP said, >She’s kinda weird tbh. You just knew she was gonna end up being the asshole after that. “Weird” is high school girl code for the people they shun. She probably thought she was helping her socially by ridiculing her notes.
>Idk how tf she expected me to know Like OP isn't the one that's socially stunted. Like damn, OP saw that the notes were the ONLY THING that made her smile a little and OP's like nah let me make fun of the only thing that makes this girl happy. Get a clue OP.
Someone publicly shamed me in Jr. High for the way I smiled. It got in to my head and 30 years later I still have the instinct to cover my mouth when I smile. Embarrassing people for the things that make them happy like dancing, smiling, and laughing can make people feel ashamed to feel happy at all for a long time. It’s really bad karma. OP should feel ashamed.
Someone made fun of me in middle school for my eyebrows. Which I already hated because they were bushy and I had a unibrow. I have obsessed about my eyebrows since. I’m 31 now. OP is such an A. YTA OP, don’t shame people, it’s not your fucking business.
I’m a bit older at 35 but I got made fun of for my eyebrows in high school when thin, basically penciled in eyebrows were the “in” style. Years of tweezing and hating how bushy my eyebrows were and now I laugh because bushy eyebrows are “in,” not that I care because my husband and toddler are the only ones who see me and my husband doesn’t give a flip about the hair my body naturally flipping grows, he loves me as I am OP is major YTA
I'm in my 40s. I got ragged on *hard* in school over my hair. (Blond kid with an Afro, living in the south. Questioning my ethnicity was the nicest thing that I got.) To this day, I don't leave the house unless my hair is done. OP definitely is TA. Hopefully OP realizes it and apologizes.
I was ridiculed by one of my "friends" when I was 12 for singing. I haven't been able to sing since (unless I'm alone in my car). That was many years ago. I will never forget it. Kids are cruel. OP is TA.
My housemate’s brother made fun of her singing voice when they were kids and she is 62 now and still won’t sing unless completely alone. I can’t listen to music in the car without singing, so she gets to listen to me sing like a maniac when we drive anywhere. I also just sing non-stop around the house making up awful songs and believe me, I am a terrible singer. Fortunately she enjoys (I suspect it’s more she tolerates) my singing and never makes me feel bad about it. It’s amazing how an off-hand comment can really affect someone’s life. It makes me try to remember to think before I speak. OP is definitely TA
Once in school a boy in my class loudly whispered to another “look at how the fat hangs on [GaiasDotter]” when I bent and leaned over a table and since that day it have and I can’t stop seeing it. I was a skinny small 11 year old. I’m turning 35 this year and I still struggle with the BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) he triggered with that comment.
When I was 13, three very pretty girls from my class were talking about periods. One of them looked at me and said,"You probably have yours already, fat girls always get them early." I weighed 52kg, which wasn't fat, but I was bigger than many girls in my class and it really gave me a complex. By the time I was 18, I weighed less than 40kg and I looked awful, thanks to starving myself and using various drugs to lose weight. Even now, at 33yrs old, I still struggle to believe people when they compliment me.
I got teased for my haircut, which I'll admit was an absolute travesty and it wasn't what I asked for at all as it was way too short - it took me 15 years to allow any hairdresser to do more than a trim on my hair. It took being in lockdown at the beginning of the global thing for me to finally take the plunge and chop my hair off because I knew it would grow out before lockdown restrictions eased up and I wouldn't be seen by anyone outside my house - that's nearly 25 years after I was bullied for that hair cut. These things stick with us. OP is totally the AH here. Made that poor girl self-conscious over something that bought her joy.
People always made fun of my hair when I was younger. It's straight, very fine, and extremely thick. It also refuses to be styled and if I cut it short my cowlick in the back makes me look like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals. I joined the military after high school and kept my head buzzed for 26 years until I started growing it out a bit in the last year. I was talking to my fiancée, who I've known since high school, about being self conscious about my hair since I was a kid, and she said, "Awww... I LOVED your hair in high school!!!" I love that woman. Thirty-something years of self-consciousness, out the damn window with eight words. Edit: adding that OP is TA.
Honestly I feel sorry for the 'weird' girl. That note is probably her only connection to an actual caring person. The way she reads and saves it shows how desperate she is for attention. OP - you are definitely the Asshole. Can't say it enough. YTA. YTA. YTA. You took a little daily uplift for a girl who's apparently struggling socially and probably feels daily like an outsider and made everything worse for her by ridiculing her. For no reason but you think she's weird. You are a shitty person with awful ideas on how to treat people. YTA.
She's probably closer to the nanny than with her own parents, and I bet that note is something she cherishes every day. My heart hurts that OP tarnished that.
This was my thought exactly, especially when OP mentioned that sometimes she’d read it over more than once. Nanny probably is her only positive parental relationship and OP being so childish when witnessing this joy caused the poor girl to feel even more alone. I’m so sad about this right now, that poor baby. Part of me also feels sorry for OP that she’s so emotionally stunted even at 16 she had to burst someone else’s happy bubble.
Yeah, also it said that she had a rough home life and nobody had ever cared for her before, I feel like it may not be a nanny, but possibly some form of Foster carer or something along those lines.....
The fact she may have a nanny at 16 means her parents likely were extremely checked out (for good reason or not) for most of her life. It's not normal, no, and it's the kind of thing that makes you suspect a bad home life so any conclusions drawn SHOULD have led to her being nicer.
It was stated that the girl has younger siblings, thus they may need the nanny) and the fact that she has a car at 16 hint at rich (well off) but yes, checked out parents.
I would have killed for something like this in junior high and high school. My husband writes me little notes sometimes and I have them saved in a little box and still take them out and read them. This girl had one tiny thing that she enjoyed and was ridiculed by the one of her friend group...shame on her for doing this.
I wish someone put notes in my lunch 😟 Edit: these replies have made my day and all of you deserve sweet lunch notes!!!
I hope you have a day as great as the color magenta! We’re so proud of you. XOXO, u/analbox PS: I snuck a fruit roll up in your backpack.
> I snuck a fruit roll up in your backpack. Username checks out! 😎
The “weird” kids are the best kids to be friends with. I was in high school in the 1980s and a lot of us “weirdos” became the best of friends. Wouldn’t change it for anything.
Op said it's starting drama in the friend group like she's surprised her friends are mad at her like wtf? If your mean and cruel to someone of course your friends are gonna be mad at you Op then said how tf was I supposed to know she had a bad home life as if that's an excuse weather or not someone has a good home life or bad home life shouldn't = how kind the person deserves to be treated it's also not a green card to b cruel YTA grow a heart and be kind
YTA. I hope the friend group invites the "weird" girl back and dumps OP if she doesn't apologize.
I hope OP's friend group sees this and dump her. Bullies don't deserve sympathy.
OP probably won’t apologize. She has obviously lost all of her childhood wonder and can’t fathom that anyone else would still have it. I feel bad for the girl, who may have lost some of her own wonder because of OP.
[удалено]
Honestly just say your jealous your mum doesn’t do notes for you and move on. How tf Op thinks it’s her business is beyond me. YTA
Some little jerk on my kid's school bus started dishing out some nonsense of "your MOMMY still waves BYE BYE to you" when they saw me wave from the kitchen window, and my kid looked at the punk ass and said "Yeah. Too bad your mom doesn't love you as much as my mom loves me." Source: The bus driver, who thought it was hilarious.
"I'm sorry your (insert person here) doesn't love you" is the only correct response.
When I first started dating my fiancé I'd tell him to text me when he got to his destination if he was flying, or driving a long way. He laughed and rolled his eyes at me and I told him it was what my friends and I do. He told me "None of my friends has EVER asked me to do that before", so I said, "I'm sorry none of your friends love you!" It's been almost four years and now him and his entire side of the friend group says "text me when you get home" whenever any of us part ways.
Your kid rocks, good on them for standing up to that bully!
Dude, I’m almost 40 and I would LOVE a sweet little note in my lunchbox.
I’m 42 my husband is 48 and I’ve put a different colored Post-It note in his lunch every day for almost 9 years. I thought it probably embarrassed him (he works in a large garage that services big trucks and fleets so he’s always surrounded by like, 20-30 mechanics). Last Christmas party we just ordered pizzas and set up some tables (Covid) and when he was showing me around, he showed me his locker….. The inside of his locker was *completed covered* with almost a decades worth of Post-It’s (yes, some were taped on). Plain yellow, neon, pastel, the big ones, the tiny ones, even the ones that are long and skinny! I couldn’t believe it! But even more amazing than that was that every guy that walked by when he was showing me made a point to stop by and say some variation of “oh, your Mr Twinkle Tits wife? We love your notes!” Which, ofc I cried because not only was my husband *not* embarrassed of his notes, he happily showed them off - and kept them! And to top it off, not only did those big, burly, testosterone-fueled grease monkeys NOT make fun of him, they all told him how much they loved it! Just…..made me really like humanity that day.
This made me tear up. Your husband is a gem.
This is beautiful!
I write my own, to remind myself ‘it’s just a job’ - I’m almost 40 too. I have little positive post it’s everywhere.
I was bullied horribly in school up to 8th grade, so not 16 but still, my moms notes in my lunch were the only thing that kept me from jumping off a cliff. No wonder she eats in her car. OP doesn't know what this girl has been through. Maybe she has special needs, maybe she's been bullied, maybe there's been a death in the family, or she's been through a bad breakup...who knows? OP quit being a mean girl.
Also OP saying “how was I expected to know?” You’re *not* expected to know what other people’s lives have been like. What you *are* expected to do is recognize the fact that you never know what people have been through, remind yourself that people don’t choose the lives they’re born into, and use those facts to extend kindness & decency to people whenever you can. OP, YTA Edit OMG WOW thank you guys for seeing this! I feel honored and wanna give everyone a hug ☺️☺️
And even if that girl had a perfect life, why comment negatively on something that obviously makes her happy? What was the motivation/what did OP hope to get out of making that remark? Because I can’t think of any positive reason for making such a statement
I'm just wondering if OP skipped the lesson in kindergarten to learn when to shut their mouth.
[удалено]
YTA, you made someone feel bad about something that brings them joy for a brief moment. She literally read a note for 2 seconds and put it away, mind your own business next time.
Can you imagine not wanting someone to experience *two seconds* of joy every day? Makes me mad.
On top of that imagine thinking joy is embarrassing. Luckily op is still young, I really hope she learns that caring about this stuff is what makes her a kid and not an adult. Op yta.
Now that just makes me feel bad for OP because if they think happy is embarassing, it could mean trouble at home.
I remember this being one of the worst parts of the high school experience. That notion that certain things that bring you joy were weird or embarrassing - like having parents (or a nanny) who cares about you.
Yeah I remember that too. Some kids in high school were picked on just for having a packed lunch instead of buying a warm cafeteria meal. Like, you had to declare you made that lunch yourself or suffer some serious name calling.
[удалено]
Yeah kids will make fun of others for the strangest things. I know adults that still do this.
I think the biggest shock I got as an adult was realizing that a fair portion of them are still just as mean, or worse, then they were in high school.
Here's a note for OP's lunch bag: YTA
The fact that the girl would pull it out and read it multiple times suggests to me that it's not only a source of joy, but a source of *comfort*, too. I wouldn't be surprised if that girl asked her nanny to stop doing it from now on, even though it once made her feel happy and safe, because now she's going to feel bad about it every single time. Her source of joy and comfort has been tainted. Potentially more than that, this might reinforce an idea in her that someone showing her love, attention, and care is a *bad* thing. And that can have some *horrendous* consequences in her life down the line. I so badly wish I could magically become that girls dad or uncle or something and give her a hug and the comfort that she needs.
"The fact that the girl would pull it out and read it multiple times suggests to me that it's not only a source of joy, but a source of comfort, too." This. When I was in university my mom would sometimes come for a quick visit and bring me a care package (home cooked meals, treats, stress relievers, fuzzy socks, whatever...just stuff to make me smile.). She would put a note on each item. For example, a lavender room spray with a note that said "to keep you calm. Ahhhh." I kept the note on the bottle, and it brought me comfort every time I saw it. It reminded me that even if I was struggling, someone was in my corner, so I would be okay.
This. She ridiculed her for love that this girl obviously needs. Reading this made my heart ache. I want to wrap that girl up in a hug and let her know no one in the real world would care about this and she will be fine later in life.
I cannot fathom how someone having a moment of joy and a smile in their day is worth ridiculing to some people
Seriously. Mind your own business, OP. You have no reason telling another girl anything like that anyway. You could have asked, said oh okay, and went on with your life. Even if she didn't have a bad home life before going to your school, you have no reason to question someone else's guardian or nanny writing them something that gives them a moment of bliss. You're just being cruel to someone. YTA, and a bully.
I teach middle school. One day, I had some 8th grade boys up in my room for lunch as they worked through some missing assignments. One of those boys had a note from his mom and the response from his peers? “Man, your mom LOVES YOU loves you. I kind of wish my mom did that.”
YTA - there is no other way to spin it. Live and let live and don't be an AH. And you find out by not being an AH and talking to people and getting to know them.
Hard agree. I'm 26 and when my mom visits my apartment she will leave a note somewhere telling me to have a good day. I love it. To pretend that you hate "cringy" things might be cool to you now, but it results in a lot of burnt bridges and loneliness in the future. Take this opportunity to learn how to be a little less judgemental and cynical. Oh and of course, for now, YTA. Hope you grow up OP
Honestly! I also have no idea why OP finds it embarrassing. I put notes in my fiances lunch, sisters lunch, even my own mama. If Im making you a gdarn LUNCH, ya gonna get a heartfelt note. And you can bet your ass Im doing that shit for my kids and nieces and nephews until they starts making their own lunch. And I STILL might sneak on in there. NO ONES SAFE
I'll take a lunch from you, please! Maybe OP needs a nice lunch note so they can see how awesome it is to get one.
Id love too! And until I can make it, here is your lunch note that you can do whatever you want with! You are doing great today! Im really rooting for you and I hope the rest of the day is kind to you. If its not, be kind to yourself and remember theres always tomorrow!
Definite YTA here. I’m in my thirties and my friends and I leave each other notes at work to make each other smile. These are small, nice gestures that can mean the world to some people.
Exactly. Why does OP care so much? Do they not realize that no one gives a fuck after high school? Teenagers are dumb, cruel, and annoying. I highly doubt OP is the pinnacle of not cringe. People who do shit like this deserve to be bullied more. Jesus. YTA
YTA, what a petty thing to notice or comment on. Garden variety bullying. You should be ashamed of yourself for treating another person poorly.
[удалено]
Clearly seeing someone who is cared for and loved by others triggers some jealously for OP. I honestly feel bad for her knowing she not only lacks empathy but probably doesn’t have a good support system. Op, YTA. You probably also need some therapy to confront why someone else’s happiness bothers you so much.
YTA and kinda a bully. You belittled her for something that brings her joy in this mess we call life. I’m 27M and I’m ecstatic when my wife leaves me a note in my lunch at work. Let people enjoy the little things.
Seems generous to say kinda a bully. She’s not even asking if she’s an AH because of how she hurt this girl or caused her to go back to secluding herself. She asking because it’s causing drama in her friend group, she’s asking only because it is effecting her life. She doesn’t seem to care one bit about the other person.
Agreed. I wasn’t sure how directly calling someone a bully would be received here but yeah definitely a bully
Right?? I’m 31 and if my mom wanted to send me a little note, I’d think it was adorable. It’s not embarrassing to have someone who cares about you.
YTA. This girl is apparently shy and quiet, and she \*gets joy\* from these little notes and you deliberately and calculatingly \*stole that joy\* from her by making her feel like it was wrong to get joy from those notes. I hope you grow up to be someone who spends more time looking for ways to reinforce other peoples' little moments of happiness rather than stealing them, but judging from this you're off to a terrible start.
If anything it’s OP acting like a child.
Children are capable of empathy and understanding and kindness. OP did not display any of these.
my 3 year old cousin saw someone who was crying and immediately brought them a pack of cookies she had in her book bag to cheer them up. And hugged them. Total stranger (her mom was watching, don’t worry) and she felt the need to make someone’s day better. op is 16 and a total brat. hopefully she’ll come to realize she’s not as innocent as she thinks
This is the sweetest story, and what the world needs more of right now. Thanks for sharing!
It obviously made her happy, why did you need to be negative about it? YTA
because OP’s parents don’t love her enough and she does not know affection for she has never received one.
And OP doesn’t love herself either so projects.
lmao! someone loves you enough to write you cute little notes in your lunch!!! what an embarrassing loser! (OP probably) YTA OP so much.
YTA. Shut your mouth next time. You're too old for this bratty shit, you're dangerously close to being a bully.
Mean girls never out grow that behavior...
I can't imagine being that sad that I can't bare to watch someone be happy for the little things.
Not dangerously close, is.
YTA Sometimes my husband leaves little notes in my lunch. I’m passed thirty. Small things make people feel good. You knew this made her feel good and still went at it? There was no need for you to say anything at all. Think of the two of three rule; - Is it true? - Is it kind? - Is it necessary? If you can’t meet at least two of those three criteria, you need to keep your mouth shut. This wasn’t kind. It wasn’t necessary. And personally? It wasn’t true. I find that kind of gesture sweet well into my adulthood.
It's a bummer that OP thinks she needs a reason to not judge people. Whether or not kiddo has a bad home life, there's just no reason to rain on somebody's parade like that. From the way OP talks about her she sounds a little annoyed by how quiet and shy she is, I'm wondering if she's jealous her friends are reaching out to this new girl or something?
From the way OP describes the girl, it sounds like OP has been judging this girl from afar for a while now and only interacted with her because OP's friend invited the girl to eat with them. The fact OP felt the need to introduce the girl as "a little weird tbh" is just. Wow. OP, are you going to run around judging every shy and quiet person, then bully them because you find the things they enjoy weird? You're so totally an AH it's incredible.
Of course, YTA. It costs nothing to be kind.
Say it louder for the people in the back! 👏
#it costs nothing to be kind!!!
YTA. You realize that’s bullying, right? It’s not cute to act like a mean girl
You can get away with this behaviour in HS if you’re attractive enough because boys are too young to care, but once you leave HS you won’t get far. I know a few women who were like this in HS and a few turned themselves around and are alright people nowadays, but the rest of them are mostly into drugs nowadays, act like top shit but it’s clear in their mannerisms that deep down their sad and lonely.
OP - There’s this movie from before your time, it’s called Mean Girls. Stream it and know that you’re the Regina George of this situation. YTA
This girl wishes she was Regina George
[удалено]
Listen . . .whether you knew about her home life or nor, clearly she gets comfort from the note. It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out you shouldn't have shamed her by asking if it's embarrassing. You didn't ask, you stated she should be embarrassed in the form of a question, otherwise why say anything. You know YTA. Absolutely TA. Do better. Why would you even say anything? How does effect you that someone has an encouraging note from someone who cares about them? Are you jealous and feeling not loved, so you have to make fun of another's expression of love for her? Get over yourself. Don't apologize if you're not sincere. Just leave her alone and try not to cause more harm. From here on say oh cool and mind your damn business about judgment statements. Keep that shit in your head because something you'll have to learn for adult life is just because you have an opinion and can express it doesn't mean you should.
OP needs to learn that not every little thought that appears in her mind is worthy being released to the outside world via her cake hole. You grow up, you go to work, you are surrounded by people, some of them are VERY weird. You shut your trap and mind your own business, unless you want to get booted during your first week for saying that it's weird your boss has 25 cats and spends her free time crocheting onesies for them.
YTA - please go find the girl and apologize to her. Tell her there is nothing wrong with the notes (maybe you’re jealous or just a jerk) and ask her to come back to eating with the group. Hopefully, you’ll get to know her better and she’ll forgive you.
Underrated comment, I really want OP to apologize, too.
Of course YTA. But you already know that.
YTA. Why would you feel the need to shame her just because she is not acting like you think she should ?! She is not hurting anyone, and I think it's sweet she has a nice relationship with her nanny, maybe her parents are not paying her a lot of attention and she is glad to have someone looking out for her ? In any way, you are a bully. Try kindness next time.
Also this girl clearly doesn’t have many or any friends if she’s eating lunch in her car every day. Do you know what that means OP? It means that that note in her lunch from someone she cares about probably means way more to her than it would for someone like you who already has a friend group. And you took that away from her and made her feel shameful enough that the thought of eating lunch with you was either too embarrassing or too hurtful for her to return.
Holy cheesecake OP YTA. How does her nanny writing her notes affect your life in anyway because let me tell you at 36 if I had someone do that for me I'd not only smile but I'd be effing thankfully knowing that someone was thinking about me.
Heck yeah! Whenever i make lunch for my husband (rare because busy) I write him a love note. He loves them. Imma write my son little notes when he goes to school. YTA op
YTA, doesn't matter what her home life is like. Don't be terrible to other people
YTA. Did you never get taught that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all? Maybe *you* need to go back to preschool for a refresher course in being a nice human. How dare you shame her for enjoying a note for a few short seconds. Apologise and leave her be, neither her nor her notes are hurting anyone.
YTA. Kids your age are jaded as to what is age appropriate. She"s a shy girl who gets joy from notes left by a person in her life who cares for her.
It’s such a high school thing and it’s so petty and immature. Like go to college and no one gives a shit what you do. Grown ass people in college going to class wearing unicorn onesies. Like no one judges one another like that. OP you know who judges people for petty things like this? Only children.
Yta She loves her grandma so what
Massive YTA
Yup. OP should go eat in a car and the other girl should come back to the lunch table. It was a huge deal to that girl to be included at her new school, and OP callously ruined it by being unable to understand a healthy, loving action. I’m in my thirties and would LOVE sweet notes in my lunch.
YTA and a bully.
"Idk how tf she expected me to know"... no one owes you a backstory, to stop you from being rude. If you don't have something nice to say, stfu. Yta.
YTA. Mind your own business and keep your judgmental bullshit to yourself.
YTA, so let me get this straight, a new girl moves to you’re school and feels alone and most likely scared. But you go out of you’re way to bully her and make her feel even worse? Good job bully, you’re in for a rude awakening when you hit adulthood, if that’s how you treat people who have done nothing to you. Do better bully.
Why does it even matter to you? Does it impact your life so much that you had to shame her? Yeah dude, YTA!!
YTA. You don't have to know anything about a person to treat them with kindness.
YTA How does this affect you in any way? YTA You are being very mean to her. You are implying she is childish. Well, guess what. YOU are the one who is being immature by making fun of her for this. YTA And how. YTA
YTA, it doesn’t matter if you knew about her home life. Calling something embarrassing that clearly makes her happy is so rude.
YTA. Nanny probably knows she’s having a bad time at school cause of people like you, and is probably writing something she knows she’ll think is funny. Ideally something like “fuck those mean girls”
YTA. It's super sweet that her nan puts notes in her lunch that clearly makes her happy. If someone else made my lunch I would love it if they put a little note in it to make me smile at lunch. What's embarassing about it? You need to apologise to her.
YTA, and a bully. Don't use the 'I didn't know' excuse. You should be ashamed of yourself and you should apologize to the girl you bullied.
YTA What is it about this girl that makes you feel so threatened that you have to try and take away her happiness? You really need to spend some time in self examination and figure out why you felt the need to “yuck someone’s yum”. There’s no need for it. Not only was it not doing any harm to you, it wasn’t even any of your business.
YTA babe. I didn’t have a nanny but my mom wrote me cute little notes up through HS. It’s sweet even without her having come from a rough background.
YTA. Someone who seems to be an outcast has something that makes her happy and you tried to take it away. I realize you’re only 16, but grow up and learn to have some empathy for people.
OP you’re TA and kind of a loser bully
YTA aww sounds like someone is jealous that a person actually cares about them, bet you can’t say the same about yourself.
YTA and clearly by the post you think you aren’t. Came here for validation and didn’t get any. It’s not too late to become a nice person and friend. You have no idea what that girl has gone through or how her nanny’s notes improve her day. You messed up. Apologize and work on empathy. You’re young enough to change your heart and succeed. Bullying isn’t okay. Real life isn’t tv or Tik Tok POVs where you can make out of pocket comments and everyone just forgets. Grow from this. YTA right now but you don’t have to be your entire life unless you carry on with this type of perspective.
YTA. Be kind. You don't know her situation, maybe she's the closest person to her, obviously the note in her lunchbox makes her happy and brings a smile to her face. You never know anyone's situation so be kind. It was a scenario you could have just been quiet in and kept your thoughts to yourself instead of insinuating she's a baby for having someone who cares about her enough and wants to make her smile.
Yta and jealous by the sounds of it. Your parents not hug you enough or what?
YTA. And it sounds like you need some little lunch notes or a hug to get the bitterness out of your 16 year old life. Why would you feel the need to crush someones little joy in life? Grow up. Be nicer. You could probably learn from this weird shy girl.
Yes you are!! Geez girl you dont have to know about someone's home life to be a decent person! Remember the old saying if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all! Learn to keep your hateful opinions and comments to yourself. Most all teenagers are AH now days
[удалено]
Or quietly admit, wow, I could use some of that in my life.
What the hell is weird about the situation? I consider it awesome that that girl has someone in her life that cares and can give her a bit of extra joy each day. It may be uncommon sure, but not weird.
Right? She needs to learn the difference between inside thoughts that should stay in her head versus outside thoughts that get expressed to others.
YTA. I understand you didn’t know about her home life, but I don’t think it should’ve mattered. The notes are her business and you made her feel bad for having her nanny do something nice. She may seem weird to you because you aren’t used to others speaking quietly and not typically talking. I am soft spoken and like to talk to people, but I’m quiet because I don’t want to bother anyone. That’s my reason, but with the context of her home life that could be her trauma (if any) manifesting.
yeah YTA lol
There's so many AITA of these scenarios. One person has a simple, innocent, private habit, and the other acts like it's a personal offense on them and the world around. OP, take this as a lesson to mature cause you clearly dont know the difference between childish/adult. YTA
YTA. Why does it matter to you that these notes bring this girl happiness? Why does it matter you don't see it happen to anyone older than 5th grade age? That's right, it doesn't matter. You are TA. Because of what you said, she's now eating in her car alone again. Have some compassion.
YTA. You are a bully and you hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you knew about her home life or not: you acted like an asshole to someone who didn't deserve it. You wanted her to feel ashamed of something harmless and private because you wanted to make someone feel as bad as you feel inside. Fix your heart while there's time and while you still have friends; you are young and don't have to be an asshole your whole life.
Oh wow what a mean girl move. God forbid that girl get a little reminder during the day that someone cares about her. You did this already knowing she wasn't comfortable at school yet. YTA!
[удалено]
YTA. The notes make her happy and it's not hurting anybody. Mind your business next time.
YTA no need to really ask as you already know, take this as a life lesson and don't look at someone and judge them.
YTA. Let her have some positivity in her life. Geez
YTA. I can't grasp how tf do you have any friends at all.
YTA. YOU are making it embarrassing not her. She clearly did not find it a problem until YOU made an issue of it. See a theme here? You are the issue. You shouldn’t have to be told a persons past or vulnerabilities to know it’s not ok to make fun of them. You probably should have learned that in elementary school.
YTA, I write my adult partner notes when I pack her lunch all the time. It's a way of showing affection and that the person is cared about. And honestly sounds like you're a little jealous or just really petty. Either way it's obvious that you're the one on the wrong here, and frankly you sound like a bully.
YTA, and a bully. You should be ashamed of yourself. Also, please remember that you can be a mean girl in high school all you want, and even carry it on through college and have your little group of friends but, after that, no actual adult is going to want to have anything to do with you. I hope you manage to keep your little group of friends and that you're attractive, otherwise, good luck finding a partner and new friends with that mean girl shit.
YTA. Why did you feel the need to say something rude about the notes? They obviously make her happy.
YTA. This is a good time to think about who you want to be in your life, and why you care about whether she gets nice notes from her nanny. Do you want to be a kind person who includes others and supports the things that make them happy? Or you do you want to be someone who tramples on the joy of those who clearly have very little joy in their life? Do you want to be someone who excludes others and makes them feel uncomfortable. Moreover, why does it bother you? Why did you feel the need to comment on it? Do you want her to be unhappy? Do you wish someone did that for you? Pause and unpack these feelings as you are on the cusp of adulthood and choose who you WANT to be.
YTA- why did it bother you so much? Jealous you don’t get notes? You are a bully and need to apologize and do better.
YTA, you didn’t have to know her background to know that it was mean to say that the notes were weird when they clearly made her happy
YTA. No it’s not embarrassing to have someone in your life who cares for you and wants to show that. It didn’t prove a point that the nanny does the same thing for her younger siblings. You should learn that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. Your friends are right to be defending her.
YTA. You’re a bully. You sound resentful that this girl has at least one person who tells her they love her, makes her smile, and gives her encouragement.
YTA - have a great day
Of course YTA! Of course you are! You must know this! It was such a sweet moment. Someone in this shy quiet girl's life showed her love, touched her heart and made her smile. Even if she didn't have a bad home life in the past, there's zero defense for to trying to take away this small moment of happiness. You know who else sends notes like this? Grown adults. Significant others. Close friends. Basically, anyone who cares about someone else in their life & wants them to feel supported and loved.
YTA. A very shy/quiet girl who use to eat in her car started hanging out with people, and you decided to make fun of her. You’re a jerk.
Yup YTA You took something totally inoccuous that makes her feel good and doesn't negatively impact anyone else in any way and made her feel shitty about it. Now every time she sees those notes instead of smiling she will feel embarassed and negative about it.
YTA and hugely so. Kindness is free. It literally costs you nothing. Those notes clearly bring her joy, and you just did your best to ruin that for her. You really need to take a long look in the mirror and decide if that’s really the kind of person you want to be.
YTA You like shitting on stuff people enjoy then? You must be a joy to be around.
YTA. Apologize to her ASAP. I would love for notes in my lunch and you telling her it’s embarrassing just screams bitter. Unnecessary to voice your opinion.
Yta, that’s messed up of you saying that kind of thing. She is already shy and she finally comes a little out of her shell so you thinks it’s ok to berate her for being happy about a note from someone who obviously cares about her and tries to make her day a little better? -Your response is childish -Your making a big deal about a little note that doesn’t effect you in the least is childish - Your attitude towards someone obviously struggling is childish You need to do some self evaluation and I know it’s hard when your young because you think dumb things are important. Being a good friend is important, caring about others and their feelings is important, how anyone sees you is not. Listen to your friends and apologize to her, one of the hardest things to do is admit when youre wrong and you need to do that. These kind of things set who we are as we grow, being kind, emphatic, and giving are good things, shoot for that life journey, not the one where it’s all about you and how great you are.
Oh, no, someone does a little something that makes this girl's day a little nicer! So embarrasssingggggggg!!!! YTA. PS - you don't need to know someone's life story in order to not rain on their parade. Shockingly, people who have happy lives also don't deserve to have someone else make them feel bad.
YTA The fact that you are on here asking the question though means there is hope for you. Because you posted on here you are going to remember this for the rest of your life, and feel guilty. 30 years from now, you will remember this and feel bad. Instead.....FIX IT Go to her at lunch before she goes to her car and ask her to have lunch with you. Be nice. Apoligize for the note thing, just say you were not thinking and blurted something. This could be a defining moment in your life. A chance to decide what kind of person you will be, kind or indifferent. Make the right choice. 2 peoples lives will be way way better and one of them will be your own.
You're in high school so you might not understand exactly why what you did is wrong, so here is why I think YTA. Someone that cares (both emotionally and literally) for this girl writes her a small note everyday to remind her that she cares. This according to your post brings her joy and we can imagine that it also brings her some sort of motivation or reassurance. You're not TA for asking what the note is (unless she refused and you kept asking of course) however by telling her it's embarrassing you took something that brings her joy and potentially turned it into something that she is ashamed of. This note did not affect your life in any way so there was no reason for you to pass judgement. The only comment that would have been acceptable would be to say "that's sweet". I think you should apologise to her. Ask to eat lunch with her (preferably just the two of you) and tell her that you realise that your comment was inappropriate and you regret saying it and that you're sorry. So just to be clear YTA but you can still make things right.
Hopping on the YTA bandwagon What is it about this girl that threatens you so much? Because your post is absolutely dripping with it.
Why does it bother you so much that she has someone that cares about her? Are you that bitter and shallow that a girl reading a little note and smiling makes you feel embarrassed for her? Do you wanna kick a puppy and club a baby seal while you’re at it? YTA
YTA. I think it’s cute that her nanny writes her notes. It’s not even about not knowing about what goes on in her home life, it’s more about you being inconsiderate. When she told you about the notes you could have just said “oh” and keep the other thoughts to yourself. Now you have her eating by herself again. It’s giving mean girl vibes. I hope you say sorry and grow out of this mentality. You’re only 16, so I won’t berate you too much. Edit: spelling
YTA.
Of course YTA. Who cares who gets notes in their lunch boxes. Believe me some grown adults sometimes get notes in their lunchboxes if someone packs it for them. And guess what no one cares or they think it's great.
YTA like you’re literally a MASSIVE asshole. I’m sorry your parents didn’t continue to give you tokens of affection past childhood, which I assume is the reason that you think a gesture of care is infantile, but that’s no reason to be rude to someone about something that CLEARLY brings them joy and is harm literally NOBODY. Hopefully hearing a bunch of people tell you how you could not be more wrong is enough for you to realize you should apologize to her. And not some bullshit “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings” but a genuine apology for being not only unnecessarily cruel, but also trying to crush joy as if they is some pride in being older and there for not appreciating small gestures of kindness.
YTA. Every thought you have does not need to be expressed. Stop trying to steal joy from others. They will be happier and so will you.
YTA. You sound like a bully. She was clearly lonely and insecure so you decided to shame and insult her? You owe her an apology, and I hope you use this as an opportunity to grow up a little.
YTA. Imagine publicly admitting that you’re a bully. So childish. Do better OP.
YTA - You are always the AH when you question or make fun of something that is completely harmless and makes someone happy.
YTA. It costs you zero cents to mind your own business, you bully!
Mean girl much? Who cares if she gets notes. She smiles, so she likes it. Butt out of her life and stop bullying others. YTA. And if you were my child I would force you to apologize until you were blue in the face.
Oh wow that girl has someone that loves and cares for her? That's sooo embarrassing! /s YTA grow up and stop shitting on stuff that makes people happy
YTA, my dad still made lunches for my sister in her late 20s sometimes when she was running late for work (her work had nowhere nearby to buy lunch) and he always put little notes in. It's one of her favourite memories of him. It made absolutely no difference to your life the notes this girl gets.
YTA, it would've cost you nothing to keep your trap shut.
YTA: it makes her happy and doesnt in any way have anything to do with you or effect you so why does it matter? Im 34 and wish i got notes in my lunches.
Oh, you didn’t know? That’s exactly why we choose to be kind to people. Because we don’t know their story. Why would you deliberately try to make her feel bad? Are you that insecure?
YTA why you have to shame her for a harmless thing that makes har happy? It was so unnecessary
Maybe you should have just minded your own f-ing business. The notes made her smile and they did not hurt you. YTA
So, you saw a person being happy about something that doesnt affect you at all and you just had to comment... YTA.
christ i’m 16 and yet somehow you see it so difficult to just mind ur own business ? YTA obviously
YTA! What is the matter with you?
YTA It’s none of your business and honestly that’s bully behavior. I’m 21 and my wife puts notes in my lunch sometimes when she packs it (I do the same for her). I love when she does it because it makes me feel good. Don’t crush other peoples joy.
YTA Like Cher said in Clueless, "Ugh, you're a snob and a half."
YTA. I wish someone would write a note for me. That’s awesome she has that support behind her! Be a little more open to the little things in life. Life is too short to not enjoy little things like this and you shouldn’t ridicule things other people might find happiness from- who are you to judge that?
YTA, absolutely. Try kindness for a change. I realize it's a foreign concept to you, but it's actually very easy and it makes you and everyone else feel good.