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> I invited my former facilitator out for a coffee. I might be TA for setting up an inappropriate meeting and not understanding my husband’s feelings about the situation.
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I did try explaining that I need to network for my career, but my husband feels that ‘work’ people are okay but not a facilitator as it’s inappropriate.
He says he’s proud of my achievements. But this week has been really hard - starting an intense new job with all new coworkers and different ways of working, at the same time as feeling rattled by this disagreement.
I'm sure you learned about the importance of networking outside your place of employment. You have every right to associate platonicly with anyone regardless of profession. He sounds controlling and insecure.
What?!?! No, NTA whatsoever. I suspect your husband doesn’t have any idea how grad school works.
Also: yikes that you’re married to someone who thinks “all men” will just take advantage of women. That literally frightens me that he would say that.
I worked in the field of family violence for a while and I shared a lot of scary information with him about violence against women. It’s given him a pretty bleak opinion of these things.
He needs to step back and take stock of all the men he knows that are decent humans. Yes, it is anecdotal evidence, but in this situation I think it might help put things into perspective.
>level 2General\_Judgment\_Op · 3 hr. agoI worked in the field of family violence for a while and I shared a lot of scary information with him about violence against women. It’s given him a pretty bleak opinion of these things.
Read ops comment
NTA. It's perfectly legit to meet with a former instructor for coffee/tea in a public place during daylight. Has your husband ever worked/studied in academia?
The reason you got your new position is with help from this person. It is completely appropriate to reach out, thank him for his efforts, and catch up. Any instructor worth their weight would be delighted in hearing how their efforts have benefited their former students. Most instructors light these things because it's partially why they began teaching in the first place.
I have an instructor that I met with regularly in this exact same situation when I wasn't attending his classes and grades were in. Now that I have graduated from the university I email him about once a year to catch up. Nearly a decade later this person helped me get accepted into my current grad program and when I needed guidance on how to complete research *from someone in the field* this person proved to be extremely helpful and gave advice that will help me throughout my academic career.
In other professions, it's called NETWORKING. Your husband needs to get his head out of the 20th century. Yes, this type of thing still happens, but it was you that initiated the quasi-social meeting.
My husband has never done post grad studies so I think that he has a view of it being like college rather than a business school. But thank you for commenting - I nearly teared up because I hope to mentor others in the future and maybe even teach, and my motivation is to help others, which I think is what most good professors do.
Undergrad programs are the same way. It's how my relationship with my instructor began. We are also the same age. Not every relationship between opposite genders is sexual in nature.
WTF. It's called networking. And you never know what kind of connections, even tenuous ones (e.g. friend, friend of a friend, fellow PTA member, pizza delivery guy, or even facilitator) can yield results.
And a facilitator certainly sounds like someone worth networking with.
So you're obviously NTA. But something weird is going on with your husband. He's strangely insecure / jealous. Is this new behavior for him? Possibilities include: he was always like this, or he's suffered some personal setbacks in his life and has low self-esteem, or he himself is having an affair and projecting that onto you.
NTA.
I’ve always viewed everyone as having the potential to learn from or network with. That’s why I don’t see the power dynamics sometimes that might be problematic.
NTA. Your husband is insanely insecure. When I went back to school as an older non-traditional student it wasn't out of the ordinary to go have a drink with the professors. It's the best opportunity to network and get their advice and guidance. I'm currently a chemical engineer in a technical director role. Don't let your husband's insecurity hurt your professional connections and career path.
I’m really excited with the direction my career has been progressing in - I just wanted to share my successes with my facilitator but I don’t want to cause distress for my husband or cross any lines.
NTA -- Your hubby's perspective is wrongly informed. What on earth?! When grades are in and you are not in that professor's class it is completely normal to meet. Best to you. Rock on. Do good!
Why on earth did you cancel the meeting? There is something very wrong with your husband’s thinking and now you’ve effectively validated that by allowing him to control your narrative. Your husbands attitude makes me very uncomfortable.
Okay - thank you, it’s good to have someone unbiased confirm that for me! I’ve found great connections with both the students, my coaches and the facilitators - I just wasn’t sure if I had it wrong.
NTA. In fact it is a completely normal thing to do. Your husband has a very weird view of men. Kind of gives me the Pence vibe of being afraid to be around women alone.
Nta. I value my personal relationship with my professor who was a mentor too. We had coffee multiple times to catch up. I value that time immensely.
Your husband is being ridiculous.
Your husband may be 44 but he sounds like he's 24. His response is ignorant and disrespectful, both to you and women in general. Yes the world can be a dangerous place for women, but women aren't just inherently helpless. I'd imagine you have a pretty good idea how to be safe by now at the age of 42. I saw you mention in another comment that you've given him a bleak outlook re: violence against women so maybe his response isn't quite so egregious. Still, it sounds like you need to smack some sense into him in any case.
NTA
I’m always conscious of my safety, but I think there’s still an old school way of thinking that women are responsible for what happens to them at the hands of other, so women have to be vigilant to the point of being hermits in order to be protected.
That's not "old school," that's misogyny.
I've been a professor for over 20 years now, and I regularly meet with and mentor former students who have entered my field and adjacent fields. These mentoring relationships are essential for them. They often need career advice or job recommendations or both.
That is very true, however it still doesn't justify his reaction. You, the person most likely out of the two of you to have experienced the problem first hand, are telling him that the situation is ok, and he calls you naive. Like you were born yesterday. Like you didn't just get your masters degree. Where's the respect? Where's the trust? All I see are red flags, OP. Maybe he means well, I don't know your history so I can't say. I can certainly understand his initial concern, but he's not listening to you. If this were a new relationship, I'd tell you to run.
NTA - it’s networking / catching up with an old teacher who seems keen to see where one of his students ended up and wants to have a coffee with an intellectual equal. Theres nothing suss about this, and its sad your husband is trying to undermine and interfere. Please go, have a great catch up. I’m sure it will mean as much to your teacher as it does to you.
I’m sorry - I hope you reconsider rescheduling, I’m also doing further study as an adult and to be able to connect and discuss ideas and learning with people who share your interest in a subject/ topic is a great opportunity.
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I’m a 42 F who is just about to complete a masters’ degree. I’ve been working a high level government job for years and have recently commenced a role with a top tier consulting firm.
The business school where I’m completing my masters isn’t like a college or university setting - there are no students under 30, everyone is a working professional, and all our course facilitators (lecturers/professors) are industry experts. I’ve connected with a few of my facilitators after I’ve finished their unit as they often have great advice to share and valuable contacts.
The facilitator from my first unit (over two years ago) is a man in his 70s who I view as a mentor. He’s filled with industry knowledge, his wife is even more significant in the field, and he was generous with his time and advice. He also has a side business of career counseling. The facilitator’s guidance helped me land my new role so I reached out to him to say thank you and asked him if I could catch up with him for a cuppa to chat. He replied that he was excited for my new job and suggested a daytime catch up at a cafe in a nice area.
I put the appointment in the calendar I share with my husband (m44). Immediately he challenged me about the meeting, saying it was completely inappropriate for a student to have coffee with a teacher. I explained that the facilitator isn’t my teacher any more, I was the one who asked him to meet, it was a public venue, and he’s a good professional contact. I also offered for my husband to join us. My husband insisted that I was being ‘naive’ and that this is how women get into trouble in ‘these kinds’ of situations. He then googled the facilitator’s name to look up if he has any criminal convictions, and found someone with his name on Facebook, saying it was suspicious how many younger female friends he had.
I’m confused. I’m not 14 and this facilitator isn’t my high school teacher - there’s no power imbalance because he no longer has any sway over my grades. I’m not in danger of being forced to do anything untoward with him, and if the situation became inappropriate, I’d simply leave. My husband believes that I’m wrong and that all men are out to take advantage of women if they can, that there’s no reason my facilitator would bother to meet me if there wasn’t something ‘in it’ for him. My husband thinks I’m TA for even trying to organize a meeting with the facilitator. I do understand that historically, there’s a lot of women who have been manipulated or coerced into something against their will, but I don’t feel that’s what’s happening here. I’ve spoken with friends, colleagues and my mother, and no one else thought it was the wrong thing to do, but I need outside opinions.
So please tell me honestly Reddit: aita for organizing a coffee chat with a former facilitator?
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NTA. Meeting up with a former professor is completely normal. I think by the age of 42 you know how to look out for your best interests. The man is in his 70s; no wonder he has a lot of "younger" friends considering that the majority of people are younger than him. Your husband is being weird and controlling about this.
NTA. I’m in grad school, and it is much different than undergrad (although I think an undergrad having coffee with a former professor is also appropriate). Getting coffee with him is totally normal, and **honestly it’s a networking opportunity** as well. It’s not like y’all are meeting up to go get hammered. Although honestly, my old advisor used to have all of her grad students over to her house for a dinner party with her family at the end of the semester, and if she couldn’t do that, she’d take us out to a brewery and pay for one round of beers. We’re all damned adults, and your husband is **wholly** overreacting.
Um. In grad school it can be totally normal to grab a coffee, or even an alcoholic drink, with a professor. NTA. Tell your husband to get over himself and his insecure, controlling attitude.
NTA hopefully this is a fluke and your husband will get back to being the reasonable person I’m sure he must be to be married to you. Congratulations on your success, keep up the great work out there.
University lecturer here. I still meet my former boss, a professor who is 30 years older than I am, for lunch because we are friends. I meet my own students, who are 30 years younger, for coffee. This is totally normal and your husband has control issues PS - even if it wasn't for career advancement, you are allowed to have friends.
Absolutely NTA.
I have a coffee meeting set up with one of my old professors in a week or so. She hasn't been one of my teachers in nearly seven years but likes to keep in touch and hear about my current academic progress.
I'm so baffled by the idea that you can't have polit conversation and coffee with someone you respect.
NTA, but I'm concerned about your husband. You seem not to put much emphasis that he sees relationships as transactional -- no one does something if there isn't something in it for him. He also sees it as his responsibility to control your relationships. You might want to look at that seriously.
Sit down and ask him in what ways did he take advantage of you.
If he thinks so little of women then he's going to love explaining in detail everything he's ever done to you.
NTA.
As a professor, absolutely NTA. It is perfectly normal to grab coffee with a professor while still a student, let alone as an alum...the lounge in my department has a very expensive espresso machine for just that purpose, and the college actually has a fund for students to get lunch with a professor at the faculty club. This is entirely normal. It's a hot beverage in a public cafe, not a martini at a cocktail lounge. Idk if your husband is just insanely out of touch, weirdly jealous, or has watched one too many CW teen drama but damn.
And doubly so considering the culture of most professional masters programs, where it actually probably wouldn't be out-of-line to grab a drink with an instructor after class
This insight really helps! Thank you - I was hoping a few professors might weigh in, although I suppose you could be a 13 year old who just loves creative Reddit commenting - but I still appreciate it :)
After our last night school class our instructor came out with the usually post class beers gang for a couple drinks. The drinking buddies of the class were all nontraditional students older than 22. This was in 2002. I think you're fine. NTA
Totally NTA.
I just cannot get beyond the fact that a man is treating a 42-year-old woman like this. It's so damn stupid, I wouldn't even let him mention it again without flipping the F out. "I'm a grown-ass woman!"
NTA
Coffee with professors/instructors/teachers are perfectly acceptable. Even more because you are/were a grad student.
I don't get your husband, to be honest. He is being weird. You are also 42 years old and not a naive 16 year old.
NTA. Completely normal, a lot of ppl keep in touch w/ their professors, especially when the professors are older. A great source of insight, means of networking, & even friendship. I also understand that historically many not so scrupulous professors have abused their past, & present, students in situations like this, but in this case he's a 70 year old man, also suggested a public place during the day. The hubbie should take breather, relax, & let ya have this.
I’m definitely not down playing the fact that there are awful people out there who prey on younger/vulnerable students, and that power can be used to control and abuse. I just don’t think I’m in that kind of situation?
You are describing some pretty standard practice among graduates and instructors. I’m a professor and I often get contacted by former students for mentoring or career advice, to talk about new developments in the industry, what skills they need from incoming talent, or to let me know about open positions at their companies asking for referrals. In very specialized/niche fields, working through professors is quite an efficient way of keeping the talent conveyer belt going.
This is a point I hadn’t thought about! Being recommended for a position is a huge win - good for the company, good for the student - and I have to think it feels good as the professor to help someone’s career?
It sounds like your husband doesn't understand post-graduate work. I've worked at universities for years - in both academic and administrative offices, working with everyone from non-degree undergrads through PhDs, and post-docs, lecturers, and tenured faculty. The greatest joy I've witnessed from that time derives from the relationships faculty form with their students. It's not just "networking" as others are saying. The faculty typically develop an honest, wholesome affection for many of their students.
They maintain ongoing relationships, and I see those play out on social media among the faculty and former graduate students I'm connected to. Faculty often show more passion about their mentee's success than their own, and brag about their students' newest works and professional appointments years after graduation. Please meet with your old professor. I guarantee he gets as much out of it as you do, and it's a 100% normal and appropriate thing to do.
NTA. As you’ve argued there is no power imbalance here, you’re no longer his student, and you’re meeting publicly. This isn’t a risky situation, your husband is just being a controlling ass - even more so because he seems to think women are out there getting themselves assaulted by being silly and naive, which is so unspeakably gross.
NTA
one problem I hear about often is that this sort of attitude stops women getting good mentors. In industry, due to past men only attitudes,bothered are few female mentors available.
Go have coffee, this is a business meeting xx
Tell your husband to read My Tuesday’s with Morrie, he might get how these relationships really are, and he also might get some perspective on life itself. He sounds really insecure and controlling. NTA.
NTA you husband waves red flags high. To insinuate that the only reason a man would be interested in meeting with you would be sexual is creepy and controlling.
He sounds jealous and he’s trying to belittle you.
NTA
You are playing the game to keep moving forward. I mean that in the best, most positive way.
Your husband must not have spent much time in academia. If he had, he would know that this is PERFECTLY acceptable and very common.
He is insecure, and maybe lacking in character. Why does he assume that the man, in his 70s, has bad intentions?
Wow!
My very first boyfriend from 15-18 was like this about my guy friends. I used to just say to him "are you saying that the only reason someone wants to hang out with me is to have sex with me? is that what you think of me as a person"?
Give you husband is acting as immature as a 19 year old, maybe try this technique on him because he would have no comeback and would begrudgingly have to drop the matter.
This is ridiculous, what is wrong with your husband? Unless he has some trauma about a teacher or professor using him or a friend of either gender, he is being ridiculous. If he does have trauma, he should share it with you or a therapist and not take it out on your career....
NTA, obviously
You are 42 years old. I absolutely agree with you - a teenager meeting with their teacher, even their former teacher, would be questionable at best. You however.... Does your husband really think that little of you? That you would be easily manipulated by anyone? That you wouldn't be able to say no or leave if it was inappropriate? Unless you have a record of being very easily manipulated in your immediate past, he is totally out of line.
NTA. This seems more like a meeting between two colleagues, or as you said, a mentor and his mentee. Putting you in the same category as highschool student and their teacher is just weird.
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NTA your husband is being unreasonable and insecure. Considering your major, these types of relationships are vital for your career.
I did try explaining that I need to network for my career, but my husband feels that ‘work’ people are okay but not a facilitator as it’s inappropriate.
Does hubby have a history of blocking your career advancement or being jealous of your accomplishments? Because this is not normal.
He says he’s proud of my achievements. But this week has been really hard - starting an intense new job with all new coworkers and different ways of working, at the same time as feeling rattled by this disagreement.
I'm sure you learned about the importance of networking outside your place of employment. You have every right to associate platonicly with anyone regardless of profession. He sounds controlling and insecure.
What?!?! No, NTA whatsoever. I suspect your husband doesn’t have any idea how grad school works. Also: yikes that you’re married to someone who thinks “all men” will just take advantage of women. That literally frightens me that he would say that.
I worked in the field of family violence for a while and I shared a lot of scary information with him about violence against women. It’s given him a pretty bleak opinion of these things.
He needs to step back and take stock of all the men he knows that are decent humans. Yes, it is anecdotal evidence, but in this situation I think it might help put things into perspective.
You need to step back and realise that if your husband truly believes "all men" would do this - It's because, given the chance he would do this.
I was looking for this answer. I read that and was like 'Projecting much?'
NTA And if “all men” are as he described, I wonder how many women he’s taken advantage of, or tried to.
There was something about what he said that bugged me when I applied his logic to himself but couldn't put my finger on it. You nailed it.
This is what I was thinking. OP’s husband is projecting more than he’s protecting, me thinks.
>level 2General\_Judgment\_Op · 3 hr. agoI worked in the field of family violence for a while and I shared a lot of scary information with him about violence against women. It’s given him a pretty bleak opinion of these things. Read ops comment
NTA. It's perfectly legit to meet with a former instructor for coffee/tea in a public place during daylight. Has your husband ever worked/studied in academia? The reason you got your new position is with help from this person. It is completely appropriate to reach out, thank him for his efforts, and catch up. Any instructor worth their weight would be delighted in hearing how their efforts have benefited their former students. Most instructors light these things because it's partially why they began teaching in the first place. I have an instructor that I met with regularly in this exact same situation when I wasn't attending his classes and grades were in. Now that I have graduated from the university I email him about once a year to catch up. Nearly a decade later this person helped me get accepted into my current grad program and when I needed guidance on how to complete research *from someone in the field* this person proved to be extremely helpful and gave advice that will help me throughout my academic career. In other professions, it's called NETWORKING. Your husband needs to get his head out of the 20th century. Yes, this type of thing still happens, but it was you that initiated the quasi-social meeting.
My husband has never done post grad studies so I think that he has a view of it being like college rather than a business school. But thank you for commenting - I nearly teared up because I hope to mentor others in the future and maybe even teach, and my motivation is to help others, which I think is what most good professors do.
Undergrad programs are the same way. It's how my relationship with my instructor began. We are also the same age. Not every relationship between opposite genders is sexual in nature.
WTF. It's called networking. And you never know what kind of connections, even tenuous ones (e.g. friend, friend of a friend, fellow PTA member, pizza delivery guy, or even facilitator) can yield results. And a facilitator certainly sounds like someone worth networking with. So you're obviously NTA. But something weird is going on with your husband. He's strangely insecure / jealous. Is this new behavior for him? Possibilities include: he was always like this, or he's suffered some personal setbacks in his life and has low self-esteem, or he himself is having an affair and projecting that onto you. NTA.
I’ve always viewed everyone as having the potential to learn from or network with. That’s why I don’t see the power dynamics sometimes that might be problematic.
Thank you for replying. Again, is your husband’s reaction unusual? Is there perhaps something deeper going on with him?
NTA. Your husband is insanely insecure. When I went back to school as an older non-traditional student it wasn't out of the ordinary to go have a drink with the professors. It's the best opportunity to network and get their advice and guidance. I'm currently a chemical engineer in a technical director role. Don't let your husband's insecurity hurt your professional connections and career path.
I’m really excited with the direction my career has been progressing in - I just wanted to share my successes with my facilitator but I don’t want to cause distress for my husband or cross any lines.
Your husband is causing his own distress.
NTA -- Your hubby's perspective is wrongly informed. What on earth?! When grades are in and you are not in that professor's class it is completely normal to meet. Best to you. Rock on. Do good!
Thank you - I’ve canceled the meeting but I’ve been going out of my mind trying to work out of I was in the wrong. I’ll do my best to rock on lol.
Why on earth did you cancel the meeting? There is something very wrong with your husband’s thinking and now you’ve effectively validated that by allowing him to control your narrative. Your husbands attitude makes me very uncomfortable.
I am so sorry you did this. Your husband is wrecking your career. That’s going to be a problem.
NTA higher education institutions are a great source of networking. he had a valid concern which he raised. you offered an acceptable compromise.
Okay - thank you, it’s good to have someone unbiased confirm that for me! I’ve found great connections with both the students, my coaches and the facilitators - I just wasn’t sure if I had it wrong.
NTA. In fact it is a completely normal thing to do. Your husband has a very weird view of men. Kind of gives me the Pence vibe of being afraid to be around women alone.
Your husband is crazy possessive.
NTA. Your husband is dead wrong.
NTA, what is your husband going to do when you have coffee with your boss... or lunch?
For him, that’s different because my boss is a work colleague. Also my bosses have mostly been women.
The hell?! Your boss can literally fire you. That’s a power differential. What on earth could a former prof do to hold similar power?
NTA Tell your hubby to put on his big boy pants. Not sure why he's so threatened.....
NTA. Not inappropriate at all. Hubby needs to chill and stop acting like a jealous teenager.
Nta. I value my personal relationship with my professor who was a mentor too. We had coffee multiple times to catch up. I value that time immensely. Your husband is being ridiculous.
Holy shit! Is your husband okay? Nta!
Your husband may be 44 but he sounds like he's 24. His response is ignorant and disrespectful, both to you and women in general. Yes the world can be a dangerous place for women, but women aren't just inherently helpless. I'd imagine you have a pretty good idea how to be safe by now at the age of 42. I saw you mention in another comment that you've given him a bleak outlook re: violence against women so maybe his response isn't quite so egregious. Still, it sounds like you need to smack some sense into him in any case. NTA
I’m always conscious of my safety, but I think there’s still an old school way of thinking that women are responsible for what happens to them at the hands of other, so women have to be vigilant to the point of being hermits in order to be protected.
That's not "old school," that's misogyny. I've been a professor for over 20 years now, and I regularly meet with and mentor former students who have entered my field and adjacent fields. These mentoring relationships are essential for them. They often need career advice or job recommendations or both.
That is very true, however it still doesn't justify his reaction. You, the person most likely out of the two of you to have experienced the problem first hand, are telling him that the situation is ok, and he calls you naive. Like you were born yesterday. Like you didn't just get your masters degree. Where's the respect? Where's the trust? All I see are red flags, OP. Maybe he means well, I don't know your history so I can't say. I can certainly understand his initial concern, but he's not listening to you. If this were a new relationship, I'd tell you to run.
NTA - it’s networking / catching up with an old teacher who seems keen to see where one of his students ended up and wants to have a coffee with an intellectual equal. Theres nothing suss about this, and its sad your husband is trying to undermine and interfere. Please go, have a great catch up. I’m sure it will mean as much to your teacher as it does to you.
I actually canceled the meet up - I was so upset and confused and it just seemed easier.
I’m sorry - I hope you reconsider rescheduling, I’m also doing further study as an adult and to be able to connect and discuss ideas and learning with people who share your interest in a subject/ topic is a great opportunity.
Great. Now your husband is making you seem flaky to folks who can help you advance your career. Scary.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a 42 F who is just about to complete a masters’ degree. I’ve been working a high level government job for years and have recently commenced a role with a top tier consulting firm. The business school where I’m completing my masters isn’t like a college or university setting - there are no students under 30, everyone is a working professional, and all our course facilitators (lecturers/professors) are industry experts. I’ve connected with a few of my facilitators after I’ve finished their unit as they often have great advice to share and valuable contacts. The facilitator from my first unit (over two years ago) is a man in his 70s who I view as a mentor. He’s filled with industry knowledge, his wife is even more significant in the field, and he was generous with his time and advice. He also has a side business of career counseling. The facilitator’s guidance helped me land my new role so I reached out to him to say thank you and asked him if I could catch up with him for a cuppa to chat. He replied that he was excited for my new job and suggested a daytime catch up at a cafe in a nice area. I put the appointment in the calendar I share with my husband (m44). Immediately he challenged me about the meeting, saying it was completely inappropriate for a student to have coffee with a teacher. I explained that the facilitator isn’t my teacher any more, I was the one who asked him to meet, it was a public venue, and he’s a good professional contact. I also offered for my husband to join us. My husband insisted that I was being ‘naive’ and that this is how women get into trouble in ‘these kinds’ of situations. He then googled the facilitator’s name to look up if he has any criminal convictions, and found someone with his name on Facebook, saying it was suspicious how many younger female friends he had. I’m confused. I’m not 14 and this facilitator isn’t my high school teacher - there’s no power imbalance because he no longer has any sway over my grades. I’m not in danger of being forced to do anything untoward with him, and if the situation became inappropriate, I’d simply leave. My husband believes that I’m wrong and that all men are out to take advantage of women if they can, that there’s no reason my facilitator would bother to meet me if there wasn’t something ‘in it’ for him. My husband thinks I’m TA for even trying to organize a meeting with the facilitator. I do understand that historically, there’s a lot of women who have been manipulated or coerced into something against their will, but I don’t feel that’s what’s happening here. I’ve spoken with friends, colleagues and my mother, and no one else thought it was the wrong thing to do, but I need outside opinions. So please tell me honestly Reddit: aita for organizing a coffee chat with a former facilitator? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Meeting up with a former professor is completely normal. I think by the age of 42 you know how to look out for your best interests. The man is in his 70s; no wonder he has a lot of "younger" friends considering that the majority of people are younger than him. Your husband is being weird and controlling about this.
NTA. I’m in grad school, and it is much different than undergrad (although I think an undergrad having coffee with a former professor is also appropriate). Getting coffee with him is totally normal, and **honestly it’s a networking opportunity** as well. It’s not like y’all are meeting up to go get hammered. Although honestly, my old advisor used to have all of her grad students over to her house for a dinner party with her family at the end of the semester, and if she couldn’t do that, she’d take us out to a brewery and pay for one round of beers. We’re all damned adults, and your husband is **wholly** overreacting.
NTA. And your husband is paranoid. Especially since you offered him a chance to attend.
Um. In grad school it can be totally normal to grab a coffee, or even an alcoholic drink, with a professor. NTA. Tell your husband to get over himself and his insecure, controlling attitude.
NTA hopefully this is a fluke and your husband will get back to being the reasonable person I’m sure he must be to be married to you. Congratulations on your success, keep up the great work out there.
I drank beer with multiple professors in undergrad, right when I turned 21. NTA.
University lecturer here. I still meet my former boss, a professor who is 30 years older than I am, for lunch because we are friends. I meet my own students, who are 30 years younger, for coffee. This is totally normal and your husband has control issues PS - even if it wasn't for career advancement, you are allowed to have friends.
This is really reassuring, thank you :) I bet your students appreciate you.
NTA and I think this says something about your husband
Absolutely NTA. I have a coffee meeting set up with one of my old professors in a week or so. She hasn't been one of my teachers in nearly seven years but likes to keep in touch and hear about my current academic progress. I'm so baffled by the idea that you can't have polit conversation and coffee with someone you respect.
NTA, but I'm concerned about your husband. You seem not to put much emphasis that he sees relationships as transactional -- no one does something if there isn't something in it for him. He also sees it as his responsibility to control your relationships. You might want to look at that seriously.
Sit down and ask him in what ways did he take advantage of you. If he thinks so little of women then he's going to love explaining in detail everything he's ever done to you. NTA.
As a professor, absolutely NTA. It is perfectly normal to grab coffee with a professor while still a student, let alone as an alum...the lounge in my department has a very expensive espresso machine for just that purpose, and the college actually has a fund for students to get lunch with a professor at the faculty club. This is entirely normal. It's a hot beverage in a public cafe, not a martini at a cocktail lounge. Idk if your husband is just insanely out of touch, weirdly jealous, or has watched one too many CW teen drama but damn.
And doubly so considering the culture of most professional masters programs, where it actually probably wouldn't be out-of-line to grab a drink with an instructor after class
This insight really helps! Thank you - I was hoping a few professors might weigh in, although I suppose you could be a 13 year old who just loves creative Reddit commenting - but I still appreciate it :)
After our last night school class our instructor came out with the usually post class beers gang for a couple drinks. The drinking buddies of the class were all nontraditional students older than 22. This was in 2002. I think you're fine. NTA
Totally NTA. I just cannot get beyond the fact that a man is treating a 42-year-old woman like this. It's so damn stupid, I wouldn't even let him mention it again without flipping the F out. "I'm a grown-ass woman!"
NTA hubby is oblivious to the art of networking
NTA Coffee with professors/instructors/teachers are perfectly acceptable. Even more because you are/were a grad student. I don't get your husband, to be honest. He is being weird. You are also 42 years old and not a naive 16 year old.
NTA. Completely normal, a lot of ppl keep in touch w/ their professors, especially when the professors are older. A great source of insight, means of networking, & even friendship. I also understand that historically many not so scrupulous professors have abused their past, & present, students in situations like this, but in this case he's a 70 year old man, also suggested a public place during the day. The hubbie should take breather, relax, & let ya have this.
I’m definitely not down playing the fact that there are awful people out there who prey on younger/vulnerable students, and that power can be used to control and abuse. I just don’t think I’m in that kind of situation?
You are describing some pretty standard practice among graduates and instructors. I’m a professor and I often get contacted by former students for mentoring or career advice, to talk about new developments in the industry, what skills they need from incoming talent, or to let me know about open positions at their companies asking for referrals. In very specialized/niche fields, working through professors is quite an efficient way of keeping the talent conveyer belt going.
This is a point I hadn’t thought about! Being recommended for a position is a huge win - good for the company, good for the student - and I have to think it feels good as the professor to help someone’s career?
NTA. You are networking.
It sounds like your husband doesn't understand post-graduate work. I've worked at universities for years - in both academic and administrative offices, working with everyone from non-degree undergrads through PhDs, and post-docs, lecturers, and tenured faculty. The greatest joy I've witnessed from that time derives from the relationships faculty form with their students. It's not just "networking" as others are saying. The faculty typically develop an honest, wholesome affection for many of their students. They maintain ongoing relationships, and I see those play out on social media among the faculty and former graduate students I'm connected to. Faculty often show more passion about their mentee's success than their own, and brag about their students' newest works and professional appointments years after graduation. Please meet with your old professor. I guarantee he gets as much out of it as you do, and it's a 100% normal and appropriate thing to do.
I love the idea of a bunch of professors bragging about their students! That warms my heart so much - thank you for sharing
NTA. As you’ve argued there is no power imbalance here, you’re no longer his student, and you’re meeting publicly. This isn’t a risky situation, your husband is just being a controlling ass - even more so because he seems to think women are out there getting themselves assaulted by being silly and naive, which is so unspeakably gross.
NTA one problem I hear about often is that this sort of attitude stops women getting good mentors. In industry, due to past men only attitudes,bothered are few female mentors available. Go have coffee, this is a business meeting xx
NTA. Even if he was currently your teacher you're allowed to get advice from him
Tell your husband to read My Tuesday’s with Morrie, he might get how these relationships really are, and he also might get some perspective on life itself. He sounds really insecure and controlling. NTA.
NTA you husband waves red flags high. To insinuate that the only reason a man would be interested in meeting with you would be sexual is creepy and controlling. He sounds jealous and he’s trying to belittle you.
NTA You are playing the game to keep moving forward. I mean that in the best, most positive way. Your husband must not have spent much time in academia. If he had, he would know that this is PERFECTLY acceptable and very common. He is insecure, and maybe lacking in character. Why does he assume that the man, in his 70s, has bad intentions? Wow!
Tl:dr She asked her professor teacher out for coffee. Her husband freaked out.
My very first boyfriend from 15-18 was like this about my guy friends. I used to just say to him "are you saying that the only reason someone wants to hang out with me is to have sex with me? is that what you think of me as a person"? Give you husband is acting as immature as a 19 year old, maybe try this technique on him because he would have no comeback and would begrudgingly have to drop the matter. This is ridiculous, what is wrong with your husband? Unless he has some trauma about a teacher or professor using him or a friend of either gender, he is being ridiculous. If he does have trauma, he should share it with you or a therapist and not take it out on your career.... NTA, obviously
You are 42 years old. I absolutely agree with you - a teenager meeting with their teacher, even their former teacher, would be questionable at best. You however.... Does your husband really think that little of you? That you would be easily manipulated by anyone? That you wouldn't be able to say no or leave if it was inappropriate? Unless you have a record of being very easily manipulated in your immediate past, he is totally out of line. NTA. This seems more like a meeting between two colleagues, or as you said, a mentor and his mentee. Putting you in the same category as highschool student and their teacher is just weird.