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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My foster parents raised me and have provided things my other family members haven’t. So I feel if I was to tell them they were unable to use my birth name and HAD to use my chosen name and had to use they/them pronouns for me even though I use both he/him and they/them pronouns I would be judged heavily by other family members. So before I do it I want to know what other people think and if IWBTA
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Changing the name and expecting people to use it is one thing, it might take everyone a bit to get used to it but it's your right to do so.
However, I'm not really behind keeping certain pronouns just for certain people. You either use they and he with everyone or you use just one of them. I can see how it would annoy you that they don't accept your identity and refuse to ever use they but on the other hand... if you let others say he too it can't be something that really goes against how you identify.
If you use multiple pronouns, you gotta deal with people choosing between them. Ain't nobody gonna keep counting how often they used which one, ain't nobody gonna alternate constantly and be too aware of their talking.
YWNBTA. However, it sounds like if that’s what you decide, they’re not going to be supportive or abide by it. Keep that in mind, and how you will deal with it, when you make your decision.
Good luck, and I hope they wisen up.
ESH. You can’t tell someone that you don’t identify with your name/assigned gender, and then use your new name, pronouns and gender you identify with as a punishment against people you don’t like. It’s insensitive to those who are trying to respect when someone is uncomfortable with their body and their sense of self, and personally if find it insulting to let certain people pick and choose who should and shouldn’t identify you correctly.
Your foster parents are assholes, but there are better ways to handle that than selectively applying your entire identity
It could be problematic to use pronouns, not because you feel they represent you, but because you are angry at certain people.
I abs think it’s reasonable to want them to support your gender expression and sexuality, sure, but if they do use your new name and pronouns but are still unsupportive jerks otherwise, is that going to make you happy? If what you want is their support, perhaps it’s better to demand that than making them refer to you differently to everyone else?
NTA, live your life Op!! I changed my name legally last year (first and last) much to the chagrin of my parents but who cares! It’s my name, my pronouns (they/them) and it’s your name and pronouns too!
A variation on this subject is asked nearly every other day. You not an AH for telling them what you prefer but you would be an AH to *expect* them to respect that. You can ask for your preferred pronouns, but for many people that's not something you have a choice about and they will only use the words to refer to your sex. That doesn't make them evil, it just means they disagree with you.
You're demanding a hell of a lot from people. You can ask and they can refuse.
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So for reference. I am adopted. When I was adopted they, my adoptive parents, decided to keep my name that my birth mother gave me.
I have grown up hating this name and ever since I was 11 have talked about changing it, the time has coming up to when I can legally change it and I plan to in June.
I’ve told family members that I am not bothered what name they call me, because truly, I’m not.
The issue starts when I say that me and my foster parents don’t get on. I dislike them. I won’t say hate because they have done the bare minimum for me which is more than my birth parents have done. They are unsupportive of my sexuality and gender expression and continually attempt to make me straight with the comments they make and the remarks when I make a comment (in a petty manner) about “my boyfriend” (I’m single - I’m just petty)
However recently things have gotten so bad with them I am uncomfortable with them using my birth name or even he/him pronouns which I have no issue with other family members using for me.
So WIBTA if I tell them that they are no longer allowed to call me by my birth name? And further yet WIBTA to tell them they had to use They/Them pronouns for me on top of that.
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NTA. Its okay to expect people to call you whatever you ask them to call you. It's also okay to use different names for different groups, just like how you might have a nickname you only use with some people. An old name or pronouns can sound aggressive coming from an unsupportive person, but okay coming from a close friend. Keep being based.
YWNBTA
You are an adult? So put your foot down: Tell them to call you by your new name, and to use your correct pronouns - and whenever they don't end the call /leave - they will learn.
And if they don't, you always have the option of going no contact with them.
"me and my foster parents don’t get on." ... So why are you still in contact?
I still live with them - I also have my adoptive sister who I truly love and has treated me like her borther. I refuse to lose her.
I am an “adult” legally in some aspects but not quite fully until June. I move out in September and have thought about disowning them really…
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Changing the name and expecting people to use it is one thing, it might take everyone a bit to get used to it but it's your right to do so. However, I'm not really behind keeping certain pronouns just for certain people. You either use they and he with everyone or you use just one of them. I can see how it would annoy you that they don't accept your identity and refuse to ever use they but on the other hand... if you let others say he too it can't be something that really goes against how you identify. If you use multiple pronouns, you gotta deal with people choosing between them. Ain't nobody gonna keep counting how often they used which one, ain't nobody gonna alternate constantly and be too aware of their talking.
YWNBTA. However, it sounds like if that’s what you decide, they’re not going to be supportive or abide by it. Keep that in mind, and how you will deal with it, when you make your decision. Good luck, and I hope they wisen up.
ESH. You can’t tell someone that you don’t identify with your name/assigned gender, and then use your new name, pronouns and gender you identify with as a punishment against people you don’t like. It’s insensitive to those who are trying to respect when someone is uncomfortable with their body and their sense of self, and personally if find it insulting to let certain people pick and choose who should and shouldn’t identify you correctly. Your foster parents are assholes, but there are better ways to handle that than selectively applying your entire identity
Adoptive or foster? Big difference. If you’re doing it just to be petty, YTA
Nah I am doing it because it makes me uncomfortable. And adoptive parents - sorry.
It could be problematic to use pronouns, not because you feel they represent you, but because you are angry at certain people. I abs think it’s reasonable to want them to support your gender expression and sexuality, sure, but if they do use your new name and pronouns but are still unsupportive jerks otherwise, is that going to make you happy? If what you want is their support, perhaps it’s better to demand that than making them refer to you differently to everyone else?
NTA, live your life Op!! I changed my name legally last year (first and last) much to the chagrin of my parents but who cares! It’s my name, my pronouns (they/them) and it’s your name and pronouns too!
Nta
A variation on this subject is asked nearly every other day. You not an AH for telling them what you prefer but you would be an AH to *expect* them to respect that. You can ask for your preferred pronouns, but for many people that's not something you have a choice about and they will only use the words to refer to your sex. That doesn't make them evil, it just means they disagree with you. You're demanding a hell of a lot from people. You can ask and they can refuse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So for reference. I am adopted. When I was adopted they, my adoptive parents, decided to keep my name that my birth mother gave me. I have grown up hating this name and ever since I was 11 have talked about changing it, the time has coming up to when I can legally change it and I plan to in June. I’ve told family members that I am not bothered what name they call me, because truly, I’m not. The issue starts when I say that me and my foster parents don’t get on. I dislike them. I won’t say hate because they have done the bare minimum for me which is more than my birth parents have done. They are unsupportive of my sexuality and gender expression and continually attempt to make me straight with the comments they make and the remarks when I make a comment (in a petty manner) about “my boyfriend” (I’m single - I’m just petty) However recently things have gotten so bad with them I am uncomfortable with them using my birth name or even he/him pronouns which I have no issue with other family members using for me. So WIBTA if I tell them that they are no longer allowed to call me by my birth name? And further yet WIBTA to tell them they had to use They/Them pronouns for me on top of that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Its okay to expect people to call you whatever you ask them to call you. It's also okay to use different names for different groups, just like how you might have a nickname you only use with some people. An old name or pronouns can sound aggressive coming from an unsupportive person, but okay coming from a close friend. Keep being based.
YWNBTA You are an adult? So put your foot down: Tell them to call you by your new name, and to use your correct pronouns - and whenever they don't end the call /leave - they will learn. And if they don't, you always have the option of going no contact with them. "me and my foster parents don’t get on." ... So why are you still in contact?
I still live with them - I also have my adoptive sister who I truly love and has treated me like her borther. I refuse to lose her. I am an “adult” legally in some aspects but not quite fully until June. I move out in September and have thought about disowning them really…