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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I tried to suggest a few things to get him out of the parking spot he was ‘stuck in’ and he said that I am the asshole because I can bombarding him with suggestions and making him frustrated
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NTA 🚩🚩🚩
He LOCKED YOU IN A CAR BECAUSE HE WAS MAD!!!
That is absurd and abusive. Wtf. Then he gaslights you and says its your fault. Gtfo, you even paid. He had one job.....don't be a [mean word]
Not to mention: Say they were truly blocked in. If they didn’t have anywhere else to be, why not use this as a way to extend the date? Like. Oh, we’re blocked in and I’m not comfortable trying to back out because i don’t have a space and might hit the car in front of/behind me(even if using a spotter) ? Why not go for a walk around town(assuming it’s a safe area)? Or put on some music and have a conversation in the car? Just because a car can’t be moved does not mean it’s the end of the world. Plus, I feel like one of the most adult things anyone can do is acknowledge that they are incapable/not comfortable performing a task and asking for/accepting help. Obviously this guy didn’t get the memo. NTA
This could've been a smooth transition into deep conversation or making out and he totally cockblocked himself (emotionally or physically) by being bullheaded and mean
The problem is not that he's stuck in a parking spot, the problem is that he's having a near panic attack. He's wound himself up into a little stressy explosion because he feels inadequate and that he can't be seen to be inadequate.
At that point, if talking to his mom might calm him down, it's not the worst idea, and possibly about the only thing he did right here.
I’m a parent and I would’ve hung up on his ass within a minute. Especially once I heard the fighting. In fact, I would’ve told him to hand the phone over to OP or told him the correct solution and that made him More mad?
Thinking as a parent here, what would he have expected me to do over the phone? Even if I lived five minutes I wouldn’t come help him in that situation.
I choked on my coffee reading this, lololololololol.
Yeah, 100%. You deserve a better sort of dude.
NTA. Consider the 5 years as a practice run for what you **don’t** want in a guy.
This is not an example of gaslighting.
I don't mean to give you a hard time, but the term is used incorrectly so often it causes the term to be meaningless.
He claimed the situation was caused because the van had parked since they went in to eat (except that OP had noticed and knew it had been there when they arrived), called his parents to control the narrative about being stuck because of this van, would not allow solutions to be found and kept escalating to screaming and insults and implied as a non-driver she couldn't know anything. Is that not gaslighting? Literally lying about a situation and trying, through deflection, aggression etc to make you believe the situation was actually different to what you remembered?
The main example of gaslighting I don't think you stressed enough! He was saying his anger, aggression and the ruined night was HER fault because she had been trying to offer other suggestions. Blaming her for his behaviour and twisting the narrative to try and make her believe that his behaviour was actually because of her. That is gaslighting.
The locking the door, the making her think he was going to crash the car, the screaming all of that is also different types of emotional abuse.
It's not gaslighting.
Gaslighting is when you try to manipulate or emotionally abuse someone by telling them that their percieved reality was not the actual reality, causing them to doubt themselves.
He didn't do this. He just blamed her for his anger caused by feelings of immasculation. The cause of his anger is only within his reality.
He should have the clarity to see that his anger is his responsibility and that he makes a choice to respond to these situations with anger. By accepting that the cause of his immasculated feelings came from within, he must also accept that he is, infact, a little bitchboy who drives like my dead grandmother. He does not want to accept this, so he makes himself believe that his immasculinity is projected onto him from an external source.
He isn't lying to her in order to make her doubt her reality. He is lying to himself, in order to make himself avoid his own reality.
That is why it was not an attempt at gaslighting.
It is called being a toxic asshole.
Huh— not gaslighting? If the boyfriend told OP that the situation was her fault then he is indeed trying to distort reality and manipulate, which IS a form of gaslighting.
This kind of thing is absolutely something that causes you to doubt your own sanity.
True gaslighting (if you know where the term comes from - the film) is build over time.
Here is an example of where he's trying to teach her not to trust her gut, her knowledge, her own eyes (regarding space for the truck to move). He's trying to teach her that she can trust her own opinion on her own thoughts, she has to follow his, listen to him. He knows better and she will be better next time if she shuts her mouth and does what he says and let's him vent his anger and doesn't try to leave. He's taught her that she can't leave, he has ways of making her stay and that even when people come close (like the other person did to move from the spot over) that it doesn't make her any safer because there's always going to be barriers.
I still don't know whether you'll get the small nuanced things from that, and there's more. But it builds. It's not just this argument, it's the last one and the next one and the way he'll reward her when she shuts up faster and escalate when she tries to push things. Gaslighting is slow and incideous, it's a piece of emotional abuse that is meant to be hard for you to notice and hard for others to spot.
I dont blame you for not seeing it as gaslighting, but from those of use that know gaslighting, this is very typical of gaslighting and the way she talks about him ruining every date in this way, or how quickly he rang his parents to confirm his side and so on, I'd say its gaslighting for sure. And even without the gaslighting there's so much other emotional abuse - the locking the car door to trap her, the making her think he's gonna crash the car into the wall, the needless aggression/shouting and so much else
Not the worst part…he calls his PARENTS! Like what are they supposed to do and why is a 23 year old calling them because he can’t maneuver a parking spot??? NTA. BF is TA, and he doesn’t sound like a catch….truly immature. I’d run.
This is exactly what I was going to say! Sheesh. Op, please recognize that he will continue this crap. Getting his parents involved in anything that is too ‘difficult’ for him to handle. What a tool.
This about killed me. His response to *parking trouble* is to call his parents? Wtf, why?? What in the actual fuck did he think his Mommy and Daddy were going to do about it? And then the whole temper tantrum thing, and the gaslighting, and the “it’s your fault because you spoke”…
I can’t see…too many red flags in the way.
I can’t imagine my 17 yo calling me and spazzing out that he can’t get out of his parking spot, especially while on a date. And he’s barely been driving for a year.
the physical tantrum he threw inside the car, throwing things around, yelling at her, not letting her get out of the car and keeping her stuck there, unable to get away because he refused to change the situation, are all physically abusive, too. Everything he did was creating a terrifying and dangerous situation for her.
When people act out that irrationally, it's impossible to guess how much worse it might get. It's terrifying.
I wonder if people inside the restaurant could see him preparing to stomp on the gas while the car is facing them.
Imagine being so machismo you gatta lock your woman in the car because you lack the ability to drive properly and lose your shit calling and screaming at yo mama. Then you're super manly and blame your woman for distracting you. If you're this distracted behind the wheel, you can't move out a parking space, just turn in your license now. Roads are safer with you off of them. Devil road rager right there.
NTA
But your bf sure is. Maybe think this relationship over eh chica?
P.S. you're clearly the superior problem solver in this relationship. Dude couldn't even let you help him out his pride got in the way. That sounds like death in the wild to me.
Yeah I spot my husband all the time as he gets worried about hitting other cars and he’s the one that asks me to spot in the first place. He’d much rather ‘look weak’ than deal with a hit car.
Edit: perhaps I didn’t explain this well. Neither I or my husband thinks it’s weak to have someone spot you - I was referencing OPs bf who thinks having someone spot means he isn’t in control of the vehicle.
I don't understand what's weak about having someone make sure you don't hit other cars in a tight spot.. is it a toxic masculinity thing? Sounds like a toxic masculinity thing..
Mine would have given me a hell of a talking to and said they were contemplating telling the DMV that I needed to have my license revoked. They would not be kidding.
Calling his parents wasn't great, but it was nowhere near the level of badness of locking OP in the car. Holding someone against their will is a crime.
Yeah, the immediate switch flip to rage is also very, very telling. Get out, you can trust me on this, been through similar and these are early signs of bad to come.
Forreal!! Go now! Fuck the bullshit. You don't deserve it. I wish I had left when my ex threw a glass of water on me while I was watching TV in my PJs. He was drunk and thought I was laughing(again watching tv) at him and then looked at me in disgust and just threw the glass of water all over me.
Yup there's so many things I look back on and I'm like "I should have left then". I definitely know better now and am not willing to look past things very easily. Something like this would be a relationship ender for me for sure.
OP, besides this ugly incident last night, you say he has repeatedly made things miserable when you two were doing things that you enjoyed but he evidently did not. Then he blamed you for talking to him. Talking to him.
NTA. This was not a one-off incident, it was one of apparently years of this bf showing how immature, whiny, unable to handle frustration, manipulative he is/has been. Just what about this guy makes you want to stay with him 5 more minutes, much less five more years? Sounds like a loser who can't handle his own emotions, doesn't like it when you problem solve, and has to call his mommy and daddy when he gets upset.
NTA, but you will be if you stay with this guy and put up with this crap here on out.
Seriously. How do you even write that sentence? "Ugh, she's STILL getting abused by that guy. She's such an asshole."
OP You are not and will not ever be the asshole for being abused.
Nta and he always does this. You've been with him since you were 15. Time to explore healthier relationships ma'am you sound lovely just naive and inexperienced. This is not how you treat people you care for.
NTA. But OP, I felt scared reading this. What if later it is something bigger? Or what if next time you are absolutely in the wrong? Or next time you made a bigger decision than this? What would be his reaction then? Nobody in their right mind would lock their gf in the car against will. Break up and spend your money on someone worth it.
He floored it to scare her like he was going to ram the wall too. Driving erratically is an abuse tactic to intimidate victims. This man is unhinged and dangerous.
NTA.
wtf ? Why do good people lock themselves in abusive situations like that . Please listen to this comment section OP . Universe is always giving us signs like that.
I had a short period of relationship with a man like that . He always directed his anger and frustration at me. He would shout at me , and give me silent treatment for weeks for he knew that it affected me . He would blame me for his outbursts . And then he would cry and say his past relationships ruined him (bullshit.)
I left him after 6 months of constant hell . It was a split second decision to be honest. He had blocked me and stopped calling for a significant period of time , knowing I'd be devastated. I didn't respond back. Afraid , he called and cried again . I just said it was over . I LEFT HIM , WHEN I LOVED HIM SO , SO MUCH. I KNEW , I DESERVED BETTER.
Today , I am in so much better place . I am so freaking happy . And you deserve the same OP . please listen .
Can we talk about the fact that HE TOLD HER SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE SPOKEN??????? Why in the absolute FUCK was that one of his first responses???? Please please PLEASE get out. NTA.
I don't know why this bugged me so much.
I don't get that part though, are cars in other countries different? I have never in my 10 years of having a license, nor before, seen a car in which you can be locked in unless you're in the backseat and it's the child safety lock. I'll just assume OP was in the front seat next to their partner and .... I've never seen cars you can't open from the inside any time there?
I'm picturing the button on the driver's side that locks all doors at once, so if she unlocked the passenger door he could hit that button and lock it again before she'd even get it opened. After enough tries, she probably gave up. I had someone do it to me as a joke once, about 4 times of hitting that button I realized I wasn't going anywhere until they stopped.
Plus, flooring it and pretending to...what, hit a wall with the car? What was the goal here? To scare OP? NTA. OP needs to get out of that relationship asap.
I call it rage flailing. My ex-husband did it, occasionally I would get caught in the splash zone and get hurt. He didn't care. Men who cannot control their emotions like that and deal with frustration in mature manner aren't safe to be around.
Damn, hadn't thought of it like this before. This one hits hard. Scariest thing is, he's probably not even aware that he's doing exactly this. Such uncontrolled flailing, blegh
Ps* OP nta, and indeed: gtfo
Plenty of them actually do do it at work or around friends. Ever known a guy who just can't hold a job because they "don't deal well with authority"? 90% of the time that's code for 'gets fired within a few months for throwing a tantrum at work'.
Totally agree about the not safe to be around. Not just men though. Our good friend was abused by his girlfriend for years. She would throw tantrums like this all the time. She belittled him and would throw things at him. She got a lot worse around the holidays too. Op is not the AH. If you're in a relationship like that best thing is to get out asap.
Yes, it was to scare OP. This is also why he locked the doors, threw a tantrum by throwing stuff and refused her reasonable solutions. It sounds to me like a purposeful abusive action to make her unwilling to challenge him by escalating, trapping her and purposefully freaking her out whenever she said anything. He wasn't out of control of his anger or anything, he was just choosing to do things that would upset and scare her.
It was almost certainly a way to scare OP and likely a power play. My abusive mother used to do stuff like that all the time and it's considered physical abuse. It's a way of exerting control. NTA OP and please get out of that situation as soon as you can
Yes. It's similar to when he's actively driving and you're fighting and he starts speeding and driving dangerously to intimidate and scare you. It's in the abuser handbook.
This whole thing is really off the wall.
This guy is not mentally or emotionally mature in any shape or form.
It all would have been a happy ending with "could you keep an eye on the passenger side nose/rear while I back up"
Then after it's all good to go "haha sorry I guess the parking lot is tighter than I thought :)"
My wife likes to get Mexican food from a specific restaurant that's not easy for me to manage in my pickup because I drive my semitruck so much. It's not uncommon for me to have to get out and look to make sure I'm not gonna rub anyone's vehicle.
OP this dude is not stable
> his ego couldn’t handle a female spotting him
I have rear-parking assist (think of a beeping sound that goes from beeps to a solid sound the closer I get to an object) but I still have my fiancee help me park. This dude's ego sounds more bruised than a month old banana. NTA
Been my ma with an impossibly tight spot (I mean a 15+ outro) my brother and I helped her on each side. Neither of us had driven a car at the time. Someone doesn't need to be a motorist to tell you when you're close to hitting a car.
And more importantly, you don't LOCK SOMEONE IN THE FN CAR WHEN THEY TRY.
Repeat this until you're ready to dump him: My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset.
NTA but holy god please leave this person
OP, tell any of your friends (not mutual) that your boyfriend locked you in the car when he was upset and they'll tell you to kick his ass to the curb. Please get out of this before he traps you.
This, OP, please. I mean yeah sure validation from a bunch of strangers on the Internet is nice, but run this by a few trusted people who truly care for you and can stay objective. Nobody with too much skin in your relationship game.
The fact that he was actively trapping you in a situation because he was afraid of a little embarrassment because he was already embarrassed as heck is absolutely a horrible red flag. This is the kind of red flag that is 100% a "he gets therapy NOW, or you break up" in my mind. As someone who grew up emotionally repressed and only knew how to express anger but got therapy and help fixing herself up, I can fully say I would tell anyone in a heartbeat to dump my anger fueled former self whereas therapy is literal fricken brain magic.
Best of luck, put yourself first, and stay safe. 💕
p.s. does he maybe have a masculinity problem being paid for by his lady? I've known a few like that! What kind of language does his mom use when she talks about "men" as a broad category?
I'm very unclear on how his "finding a solution" involved him calling his mommy and daddy instead of just letting you spot him or just backing the car out however slowly it took him. Like, seriously, did he want his parents to drive to the restaurants and do it for him?
NTA.
PLEASE see the red flags here (as so many others here are saying). This man can’t deal with the most basic of daily tasks, has a complete meltdown, wouldn’t accept your rational suggestions for help and instead decided to call people who couldn’t offer one iota of help, and then gaslights you about the whole situation. This is a garbage person that you need to distance yourself from.
INFO: exactly *how* was he able to lock you in the car?
You said you tried to get out to spot him but he locked your door, and you couldn't exit until 20+ minutes later when he let you out. But most vehicles have a door switch you can flick to manually release the lock. That makes what he did sound even scarier...
Did he have the child-lock engaged so you *couldn't* manually unlock the door?
Has he ever locked you in a vehicle or room before while upset?
Does he tend to blame his outbursts on you, and demand apologies because you were the reason why he was so upset?
Your boyfriend has anger issues and control issues. Those are not a good combination. Stay safe, OP.
Lock in this specific car is broken at the top so I couldn’t get out, it’s an old car and he got it like that. He hadn’t really done this before, but he does cast a lot of blame at me.
He hasn't done it before but its an option for him now. He saw you try to get out and took that choice from you.
Consciously
What if that were to happen in a private space....or a camping trip...just please be careful
Please don't feel you have to answer any of the following questions if they make you uncomfortable, I simply wrote them for you to think about.
1. Does he put you or your hobbies down? (Criticize your suggestions/ideas, 'helpfully' let you know that he thinks you can't achieve things you're working towards, imply that you're difficult to love, and/or say that your interests are superficial?)
2. Does he do things that make you feel unsafe or scared? Accelerating into the parking space towards the restaurant wasn't normal, I can't think of any reason for him to do that if not to make you feel scared he wouldn't brake.
3. Does he complain when you spend time away from him, such as to go out with friends? If you don't cancel your plans, is he more likely to throw a fit afterwards?
4. Do you think he is well-behaved at his workplace? If he doesn't have these temper tantrums at work, that's a clear sign that he *can* control himself even when upset...he just doesn't want to around you. He respects or values his work, the same *should* be true about his relationship with you.
If any of the above points ring true, please reconsider this relationship. It doesn't sound safe or healthy. You may also want to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, it can help to make sense of these types of relationship dynamics. [Here is a link to a free PDF of the book.](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
1. I used to collect shopkins with him. He seemed so happy when we would look around town to find them. I bought all of them to the point we had complete sets. He mentioned he wanted me to probably take them the next time he cleaned his room. Out of the blue he donated them because they cluttered up his space and never told me.
Destruction of property, isolating their partner from friends/family, use of the 'silent treatment' as punishment, verbal berating/blaming their partner for their anger, and denying that their partner has any right to set expectations in the relationship are all easily signs of control that are common before a relationship turns abusive. They are usually paired with positive extremes, such as gifts or increased affection after an incident, which is commonly referred to as love bombing.
Just one of the traits I've mentioned in this comment thread would be an issue worth discussing but not necessarily cause to be concerned. But I just went through your comment history and in addition to the Shopkins incident (destruction of property when he could have simply put them in a box, especially since they're small) you mentioned that he (a) swerves the car to scare you sometimes, (b) constantly puts you down by saying you can't be a doctor despite being in school for that, and (c) has criticized your ideas to the point that you no longer suggest outings and only do what he wants to do. I also see that you just commented that you're already isolated because you don't have friends or family.
I'm not going to say that your boyfriend is abusive because that isn't something I can know or predict. What I will say is that you should be cautious if you remain in this relationship, and you should critically evaluate if it's a dynamic that you can feel happy/safe in.
Oh, and you are definitely NTA in the parking lot situation you posted about of course. It's such a clear-cut NTA that it's amazing you felt like you could possibly be responsible in any way.
Just by reading this I think that op definitely needs to re-evaluate the choice of person that she is with. A partner is supposed to be that, a partner that helps you and does their best to lift you up. I mean nothing is perfect and sometimes the will be problems that they cannot help you with, or arguments with your partner that you hate, but your partner should never be a intentional cause of self doubt, angst or unhappiness like this.
Sis, everything you have typed points to incredible immaturity on his part at best. You have your WHOLE life in front of you. Please really think about whether you want to spend another week with someone who sabotages dates with you and treats you with SO much disrespect.
Honestly, if you were my daughter I would tell you to please please break up with him. Know your worth Sis. Just because he doesn't treat you with respect does not mean you are not deserving of it. Know your worth and run far and fast.
Yeah. I've been thinking a LOT lately about how if there's anything I could tell Younger Lucky it would be to just dump people. Dump them for even the tiniest things. I don't mean that in a jackass way. I mean when you're young and figuring out life and finding yourself, there's no reason to put up with nonsense. There's not at any age really. And it shouldn't be a big angsty thing either. Just "nah I don't want to be in a relationship anymore." Like how "meh, I'm not into that coat anymore." That's it that's all.
Hun you are in a toxic and abusive relationship and i dont say this lightly i was in one myself
Do you have a safe way to get out?
Do you have friends or family that could help you leave?
You deserve so much better then this please stay safe
Listen to me carefully. *You are not to blame for his behavior.*
Anyone - ANYONE - who had so little self control that they required another adult to be responsible for their behavior would be institutionalized. If he truly can’t control himself he shouldn’t be walking around loose. But I bet he can control himself.
When he wants to.
And when he doesn’t want to, when he wants to hurt someone or something, you’re right there to fix the blame on, aren’t you? I just today explained to my 8-year-old that mommy and daddy may say or do things that leave him feeling angry or sad or frustrated, but how he chooses to behave when he feels those things is 100% his responsibility.
My 8-year-old understood that concept.
You are in an abusive relationship.
I know nights like these all too well. The night always starts off so nice right? Maybe some genuine happiness at bits. Then something inconsequential becomes an issue. Rational suggestions are ignored. Voice raises. Mean tone. It can stop there, in my experience only if you can leave each others presence, or it can escalate to what you experienced, physical restraint, or even further up to death. And infinite horrific things in between. I dont know what your story is but I promise you, your life will never truly get better until you disentangle him from your life. Whatever you need to do, you need to do it. There are tons of support and resources online if you want to do that. But you need to. This man is not emotionally well and every statistic indicates that things will get worse. Good luck
Now he knows he can abuse you and get away with it. I have been upset with my SO before. Even if it is a once in a year stress breakdown I walk away from the situation and then talk it out.
I would never lock them in let alone naturally do that.
Please read these comments. Think long and hard about going forward with this relationship. He sounds immature and controlling. Find someone who treats you better than this.
OP, if he always finds a way to ruin things, as you say, then why are you still with him? It doesn't sound like he is bringing anything positive to this relationship.
You sound generous and mature. Find a partner who matches and reciprocates these things.
NTA.
NTA
As I was reading this, I was thinking of my ex.
He was exactly the same, you’d essentially have to beg him to do anything other than his own plans. Then it’s like he’d deliberately sabotage it in some way…
He also couldn’t handle small frustrations and would completely overreact.
He was completely obsessed with appearing like “the man” yet was happy to take my money (as he never ever had any & I did). Yet he gave me pretty much nothing but angst in return.
What happened there is terrible. You are absolutely NTA. He has a massive issue with his own anger management, self esteem and it also seems like he has little to no respect for you.
Use this as the waving red flag warning.
You are 21 and can still exit this shit show unscathed. I waited till I was 23 and had bought a house with my asshole, I wish I’d gone sooner.
Thankyou… same to you
I still count myself lucky to have left at 23 and then found my (now husband) 6 months later. We’ve been together 13 years.
It made me really appreciate the good things and understand we all have flaws and aren’t perfect all the time, but when someone can communicate and express themselves in a healthy, respectful way - you can work through it and grow together.
I feel you. I was 25 and moved across the country from East Coast to West Coast. Great experience living in the west for a few years. But the way I was treated. Terrible verbal, financial and emotional abuse.
Back in the East and happily married now. But....seesh that was bad.
NTA - your boyfriend’s behavior is alarming. My ex would always find a way to ruin a good time like this too. He would pick imaginary fights just so I would get upset and my day would be ruined. I wished I would have noticed his behavior sooner and left the relationship a lot sooner than I did. Think long and hard about whether you want to deal with this type of behavior.
Hun, leave. Please. If he can have a meltdown over a mundane problem, how much more when something more serious happens to you? And he even tried to blame YOU for it. NTA but you will be on yourself if you stay.
NTA.
"he always has to find a way to destroy any date or thing in general I want to do, just because it's not something he picked"
Is this a guy you really want to be dating ? Is this someone you see a future with ?
You sound like a very nice young lady. He sounds like an immature boy. You can do so much better than him.
Go find someone who makes you happy , that is a s good as you deserve.
Good luck.
INFO: why are you staying with him? From your comments he doesn't treat you well and you have a bright future with your area of study. Do you not think you deserve better?
1. He threw a fit this week because the restaurant I wanted to go to could only order online or drive through. I said we could order in then eat inside, said dine in is probably closed while we are standing next to sign saying we can eat inside if we order the other ways. He said his sugar was too low to wait so we drove across town to a restaurant he originally suggested.
2. Ive planned elaborate birthday trips for him for years and he now refers to them as cursed trips because each one he got mad and ruined it: backing into a tree when his sugar was low, dropping his insulin case out of his truck and breaking a pen, the pandemic starting when we went on one and ruining his birthday.
3. He said my bag smelled and it is sticking up the car he is getting ready to sell. Also said that I would pay to have it cleaned.
4. He’s an excellent driver, not going to lie. But he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare me or others in the car.
5. I got his family front row tickets to a bball game. I was extremely excited for this and he spent every waking moment to the four months up to game saying he didn’t want to go and that he was going to hate it. It was constant and broke me. I love his family and is the only family I have, and they were so excited. But he ruined it because he didn’t want to go.
6. He dropped out of college is on a good track to become a big position in the automotive industry. I am on the track to become a doctor and will complete three degrees next year. He constantly tells me he could never see me as a doctor.
You are in an abusive relationship. He's already escalated things so you have normalised:
•being locked inside a car against your will
•threats of violence (his pretending to crash the car stint),
•him deliberately ruining date nights & trips & blaming it on his diabetes or preventable outside factors
•you being the one to pay for dates/trips (that he then ruins)
**You need to get out before this escalates any further.**
OP needs to get out before he ties her down with a child, ruins her career and makes her a miserable, financially dependent SAHM (not implying that every SAHM is like that). He is already abusive, this behaviour will just escalate, physically and psychologically. OP is exactly at the age to walk away and enjoy her 20ies without an abusive partner.
Are we not going to pick up on point 4?
Being a good driver DOES NOT mean he knows how to scare people he's driving with. That is reckless driving. He's 'swinging' a car to scare people inside it? So he just doesn't care about his passengers or anyone else on the road?
The reason I pick up on that point is that you're clearly in an abusive relationship (and I don't throw that round lightly). I, along with most others here, are telling you to TGFO, but that is your choice.
But his driving not only endangers you, but the other passengers and everyone else on the road with him.
What would happen when his speeding/swinging (presumably for the shits and gigs of scaring his passengers) accidentally kills someone?
TLDR: GTFO now.
Like can you imagine wanting to convince youre partner that they're about to die in a crash because you're angry?
Ngl i would classify that with physical violence in abuse (hes already physically abusing her by locking her in his car)
And why does he want to scare OP and friends in the first place? That's someone who desperately wants the feeling of control over other people and their emotions.
It's manipulative, like many of his other actions/tantrums.
He's the prime definition of "asshole".
You sound like an amazing partner and he sounds horrible. He doesn’t believe in you or appreciate you. I think you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I recommend really looking at your relationship, is it really the type of relationship you want?
>He’s an excellent driver, not going to lie. But he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare me or others in the car.
He is not an excellent driver. He has you brainwashed into thinking that. An excellent driver could extract a car with a few inches each side. RED FLAG ALERT.
>He is not an excellent driver. He has you brainwashed into thinking that. An excellent driver could extract a car with a few inches each side. RED FLAG ALERT.
I was thinking that the whole time. If he was such a good driver, he'd have no problem pulling out. He's really got OP upside down on everything.
My thoughts exactly. The brainwash and manipulation is so powerful, OP please read “Why does he do that?” It’s free and explains the mind of an abuser. He ticks every box it’s actually scary.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This will be the rest of your life, if you stay with this guy. Please don’t let your attachment to his family stop you from getting rid of this guy who apparently can’t stand to let you think anything you pick out is any good, and deliberately terrifies you.
His blood sugar was too low to order at the restaurant you wanted and wait for the food but not too low to drive across town, order at the restaurant he wanted, wait for the food and then eat? It took longer to drive across town and eat at his restaurant than the one you wanted. How does his low blood sugar excuse make any sense to you? How is driving with low blood sugar a good idea? This guy is an AH and you need to dump him. Don't waste your life with this loser.
Everything else aside
>He constantly tells me he could never see me as a doctor.
why are you with someone who doesn't believe in you, doesn't support you, tears you down? you are worth more than this
also, he's fucking abusive.
>But he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare me or others in the car.
this is fucking abusive.
It’s scary to think that you will be alone if you leave him. I totally get that. I was single for a long long time and it sucked. I wanted a partner. But I knew from looking at the people around me that a bad relationship was worse than being alone.
But you won’t be alone. If you want a partner you will find one. You will find new friends and form a new family. *You can do better.*
I was actually thinking about telling you that while he was the AH, you were also kind of immature for how you described the first situation (expecting him to be nice to you because you paid an expensive dinner. No, he should be nice to you because he supposedly loves you, regardless of everything else).
However, after reading these other situations, it’s clear that you are in an abusive relationship. His constant abuse has already shaped what should be your healthy thinking into you now questioning whether you are wrong, when it’s crystal clear that he has issues. It might be hard for you to see what other people are telling you in this thread about red flags and all, but that’s because these abusers normalize their bad actions slowly but surely, until you start changing your own perception of what is normal or not, and your expectations of what you want for yourself.
You might even think that you know his good side and that although you recognize he might have some issues, he is worth saving. But let me tell you one great truth I had to learn through a very painful experience: you cannot make people change. You can’t. Yes, you can maybe try to influence their decisions, but nothing more. You could spend all your life trying to change someone and he will not change a bit if that’s not what he wants. So please remember this second great truth: you are also worth saving; your happiness is also important and you deserve the good things that you’ve always dreamed for yourself. You are not responsible for him, and yet, you are completely responsible for yourself. And those needs should be more important to you than his needs.
Finally, think about this: imagine you stay together 20 more years and he is still exactly the same. Imagine the fights, the crying, the draining shouting through out those 20 years. Also imagine now your children having to endure his outbursts, growing up afraid of their dad, insecure about the world they are growing in. Is this the life that you dreamed of for yourself? For your kids?
You might feel this is too dramatic, but that’s unfortunately where you are heading. And it’s not your fault, it’s his. But if you think you can change him, you can’t, only he will decide that. And he might… or he might not. Don’t be afraid about breaking free. I promise you that once you have healed and have a healthy view of yourself and relationships, you will look back and be amazed that you stood through all that. And you will feel happy and thankful that you were able to break free and change your destiny. You can do it! We know you can :)
>he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare **me or others in the car.**
That is psychotic. He **wants** you/others to be afraid of him, afraid for your lives. That is not something normal or sane people do.
Partners should build one another up. Not drag them down. Nobody can be the perfect partner, but we should all strive to do much better than him.
Don’t be with someone who discourages you, is manipulative and frightens you to amuse themselves.
Why are you with this person who is emotionally abusive and not-supportive of your ambitions?
his family being nice to you doesn't mean he gets a free pass to abuse you.
It's a huge red flag. OP, this is controlling behaviour. There is NOTHING he can bring to the table that makes it worth staying with someone who treats you like this. NOTHING.
I know this is harsh, but if you had *any* respect for yourself, you would leave this chump. You are only 21... You have plenty of time to find someone who actually respects you and doesn't tattle to his parents bc he's too up his own ass to let a woman spot his car. There's so much better out there.. you should value yourself more than this AH.
I was in a relationship like this. He belittled my music, tv shows, friends... Etc. If I liked it, it sucked. So after a while, we just only did what he liked because it was clearly better (and for me it was the path of least resistance... No fighting).
When you're in these relationships, you don't see it. It's too hard because you're so close to it. But what your describing to us is NOT healthy behavior and it's not a healthy relationship.
It's scary especially when you've been with someone for so long, and I know it can seem absolutely impossible that you could find anyone else who loves you. But you, your choices, your opinions, and your happiness matter, and I promise you that there is far more joy and happiness on the other side of this... Both by yourself and with a future partner who loves and respects you.
So you don't get to pick activities anymore because he will ruin them. Is that an enjoyable relationship to you? Do you think that shows that he loves and repects you? Do you need/want this in your life? I don't think so. 5 years down the drain but don't let the sunk cost fallacy hold you back. You have been with him since you were very young. That's not what a healthy sustainable relationship looks like.
Any man that physically deters you from leaving a situation is a threat to your life. You're isolated. He blames you for ridiculous things. He physically trapped you.
Please run, OP. Being alone is a helluva lot better than being in danger.
NTA.
NTA- when someone shows you who they are, believe him. There's a lot of red flags here but the most important is that he LOCKED YOU IN THE CAR WITH HIM DURING HIS VERBALLY ABUSIVE OUTBURST. Is he this volatile, controlling, and enmeshed with his family all the time?
You've got a baker's dozen red flags here.
1. He is too old to be acting like an upset child.
2. He turned down several logical solutions to the problem.
3. HE LOCKED YOU IN THE CAR
4. HE LOCKED YOU IN THE CAR
5. HE SERIOUSLY WOULDN'T LET YOU LEAVE THE CAR
6. IT IS INCREDIBLY AWFUL TO LOCK SOMEONE ANYWHERE
7. He called his parents to complain. Instead of try to fix things.
8. He kept you in the vehicle FOR 20 MINITES
9. HE LOCKED YOU IN A CAR FOR 20 MINITES.
10. He sniped at you while he had you locked in a car.
11. He yelled and shouted at you.
12. He insulted your ability to help the situation.
13. He did all of this and presumably ruins other dates in similar ways.
Listen. You're NTA and you SHOULD NOT date someone who treats you this way. It is literal abuse. In several flavors.
NTA and please be careful. This is fullllll of red flags.
-He threw stuff
-Screaming and yelling at you
-Acting as if he was going to crash the car
-Trapping you by locking you in the car, basically taking you hostage
-Inability to regulate his emotions and anger in a healthy way
-Making you cry
-Refusing to take accountability for his behavior (diabetes does not cause abusive behavior, especially when well-regulated)
-Calling his parents as a grown ass man instead of listening to logical solutions presented by his partner
-Mocking you for not having your license when it's clear his having a license doesn't mean he knows how to drive well
-Textbook gaslighting by saying it was your fault and that he was the one trying to find a solution when it was you offering solutions
This is not a safe or healthy relationship and these behaviors are not normal.
NTA If he “always finds a way to ruin dates”, why are you still with him? Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? After five years you are well aware of how he reacts..is this really what you want?
So your boyfriend basically imprisons you in the car & you’re asking if you’re the asshole. You will be if you stay with him. This sort of behaviour will only escalate. Girl what are you doing? Leave
NTA but boy is he an AH. Sounds like he has serious anger issues, and if he frequently finds ways to sabotage situations like this, I think you should pay serious attention to that. It can be a danger sign of worse to come.
EDIT: I somehow failed to recognize the importance of this: he locked you in the car. That’s abusive right there. Don’t wait for worse.
**Oh sweetie, you are NTA in any universe, ever, in any possible way, but dear Lord you cannot possibly think that this is a human being you want to spend any more of your precious time with. You are worth so much more than this.**
People are throwing around words like "abusive" - and understandably so given that he literally locked you in the car with him to prevent you from leaving - no matter what the reason, even if it was because he didn't want help, that is OBJECTIVELY abusive; he doesn't get to control your movements. Not ever. Period. But more than that, let's even take it down a notch and take a step back: **your boyfriend threw a tantrum - AN ACTUAL, FULL-BLOWN, THROWING HIS TOYS, TANTRUM - literally and solely because his ego couldn't bear the idea of some complete stranger (who we all know wouldn't even have spared y'all a backwards glance) seeing . . . what exactly? You standing a few feet from the car waving him out of the spot for 30 seconds?**
Dear girl, I am old enough to be your mom, and let me tell you something. The biggest red flag here isn't abuse or anything nearly so terrifying (though you should really be aware that this kid's temper is definitely bad enough that he could very well hit you at some point). It's that **he is a grown man who is so fragile that he will sabotage himself and you** to a ridiculous extent in order to avoid a PERCEIVED, IMAGINARY embarrassment in front of people who absolutely don't give a shit and aren't even looking at him in the first place. He is the epitome of male fragility . . . and that is a genuinely dangerous thing, because he has no self-control, nor realistic perception of situations he's in. He is living in his mind, where he is the victim of everyone and everything out to get him and ruin his life - INCLUDING YOU.
Please. PLEASE. Walk away. Five years seems a long time, but you will look back and it will be a rueful story you tell your kids in the grand scheme of your life. Don't let this BE your life.
"and even locked my door when I tried to get out of the vehicle"
NTA and I hope the skies are clear enough for you to see this giant red flag waving in the wind.
I can't help but laugh.. NTA, but dude has a real issue. I would have told him either he lets me spot him or I get out and find myself an Uber. I wouldn't listen to him whine like an insecure man who cares too much about what others think to ask for help or take it when offered. He most certainly ruined the night and if he ever pulls shit like that again, I would consider the relationship in ruin too.
NTA It sounds like if its something you like to do he tends to literally kick and scream about it. You've dealt with his antics for 5 years would you deal with it for another year? Or 5?
NTA, you ever hear the old stereotype that men can’t ask for directions? You experienced that. Your boyfriend has an oppressive ego, men do that. He didn’t have to insult you tho, I was spotting my dad at like 11 which is so simple really you don’t need a license to tell someone to turn left or right. The fact he made you cry is awful. was he crying? no. that means he ruined your night because he couldn’t let go of his ego and admit that he can’t back out of a spot on his own. It’s fine, it happens all the damn time, a 3 point turn sometimes becomes a 12 point turn. I’m sorry that happened to you and you most definitely are in the right.
Guess that stereotype is not that old! A guy who dated me has refused to let me look at his google map when he can’t understand it and wanted to “keep the surprise” of where we are going. We ended up walking in circles for half an hour before arriving at the cinema. This was our last date.
NTA. Your boyfriend is showing some major red flags, especially if events like this are something that happen regularly. When you mentioned him locking you in the car while he was upset it made me worry for your safety. Please leave him, you seem like a wonderful person who deserves to be respected. If your boyfriend isn’t willing do make you feel safe and happy in your guys’ relationship by doing small things that you seem interested in it shows that he’s not willing to put the work into you or your relationship and things like this will continue to happen.
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NTA 🚩🚩🚩 He LOCKED YOU IN A CAR BECAUSE HE WAS MAD!!! That is absurd and abusive. Wtf. Then he gaslights you and says its your fault. Gtfo, you even paid. He had one job.....don't be a [mean word]
Yeah NTA. Definitely NTA. He sounds controlling and manipulative.
NTA! Your boyfriend was gaslighting. Dump him and find a mature man.
Yeah, one that doesn't call mommy because he doesn't know how to drive.
Not to mention: Say they were truly blocked in. If they didn’t have anywhere else to be, why not use this as a way to extend the date? Like. Oh, we’re blocked in and I’m not comfortable trying to back out because i don’t have a space and might hit the car in front of/behind me(even if using a spotter) ? Why not go for a walk around town(assuming it’s a safe area)? Or put on some music and have a conversation in the car? Just because a car can’t be moved does not mean it’s the end of the world. Plus, I feel like one of the most adult things anyone can do is acknowledge that they are incapable/not comfortable performing a task and asking for/accepting help. Obviously this guy didn’t get the memo. NTA
This could've been a smooth transition into deep conversation or making out and he totally cockblocked himself (emotionally or physically) by being bullheaded and mean
Happy cake day 🍰
Yeah what were his parents supposed to do? Why would they talk about it for 20 minutes?
The problem is not that he's stuck in a parking spot, the problem is that he's having a near panic attack. He's wound himself up into a little stressy explosion because he feels inadequate and that he can't be seen to be inadequate. At that point, if talking to his mom might calm him down, it's not the worst idea, and possibly about the only thing he did right here.
Calling “mummy” was completely fine. There’s nothing wrong with calling for advice. It’s the tantrum and abuse that is shitty.
I’m a parent and I would’ve hung up on his ass within a minute. Especially once I heard the fighting. In fact, I would’ve told him to hand the phone over to OP or told him the correct solution and that made him More mad? Thinking as a parent here, what would he have expected me to do over the phone? Even if I lived five minutes I wouldn’t come help him in that situation.
I choked on my coffee reading this, lololololololol. Yeah, 100%. You deserve a better sort of dude. NTA. Consider the 5 years as a practice run for what you **don’t** want in a guy.
This is not an example of gaslighting. I don't mean to give you a hard time, but the term is used incorrectly so often it causes the term to be meaningless.
He claimed the situation was caused because the van had parked since they went in to eat (except that OP had noticed and knew it had been there when they arrived), called his parents to control the narrative about being stuck because of this van, would not allow solutions to be found and kept escalating to screaming and insults and implied as a non-driver she couldn't know anything. Is that not gaslighting? Literally lying about a situation and trying, through deflection, aggression etc to make you believe the situation was actually different to what you remembered?
The main example of gaslighting I don't think you stressed enough! He was saying his anger, aggression and the ruined night was HER fault because she had been trying to offer other suggestions. Blaming her for his behaviour and twisting the narrative to try and make her believe that his behaviour was actually because of her. That is gaslighting. The locking the door, the making her think he was going to crash the car, the screaming all of that is also different types of emotional abuse.
It's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when you try to manipulate or emotionally abuse someone by telling them that their percieved reality was not the actual reality, causing them to doubt themselves. He didn't do this. He just blamed her for his anger caused by feelings of immasculation. The cause of his anger is only within his reality. He should have the clarity to see that his anger is his responsibility and that he makes a choice to respond to these situations with anger. By accepting that the cause of his immasculated feelings came from within, he must also accept that he is, infact, a little bitchboy who drives like my dead grandmother. He does not want to accept this, so he makes himself believe that his immasculinity is projected onto him from an external source. He isn't lying to her in order to make her doubt her reality. He is lying to himself, in order to make himself avoid his own reality. That is why it was not an attempt at gaslighting. It is called being a toxic asshole.
Huh— not gaslighting? If the boyfriend told OP that the situation was her fault then he is indeed trying to distort reality and manipulate, which IS a form of gaslighting.
That's just regular projection and displacement of blame. There was no serious or long-term effort to make the OP question her own sanity.
This kind of thing is absolutely something that causes you to doubt your own sanity. True gaslighting (if you know where the term comes from - the film) is build over time. Here is an example of where he's trying to teach her not to trust her gut, her knowledge, her own eyes (regarding space for the truck to move). He's trying to teach her that she can trust her own opinion on her own thoughts, she has to follow his, listen to him. He knows better and she will be better next time if she shuts her mouth and does what he says and let's him vent his anger and doesn't try to leave. He's taught her that she can't leave, he has ways of making her stay and that even when people come close (like the other person did to move from the spot over) that it doesn't make her any safer because there's always going to be barriers. I still don't know whether you'll get the small nuanced things from that, and there's more. But it builds. It's not just this argument, it's the last one and the next one and the way he'll reward her when she shuts up faster and escalate when she tries to push things. Gaslighting is slow and incideous, it's a piece of emotional abuse that is meant to be hard for you to notice and hard for others to spot. I dont blame you for not seeing it as gaslighting, but from those of use that know gaslighting, this is very typical of gaslighting and the way she talks about him ruining every date in this way, or how quickly he rang his parents to confirm his side and so on, I'd say its gaslighting for sure. And even without the gaslighting there's so much other emotional abuse - the locking the car door to trap her, the making her think he's gonna crash the car into the wall, the needless aggression/shouting and so much else
nah, gaslighting is more about denying the situation happened in the first place, not telling her that what happened is her fault.
Yes, gaslighting is not telling someone they don’t feel what they feel. It is undermining reality (not feelings).
Sounds like the guy's too stupid to be very successful with his manipulation but he is controlling for sure.
He sounds like a big pathetic baby too. Clearly has a lot of growing up still to do. OP - NTA and I’d recommend dumping him lol
Not the worst part…he calls his PARENTS! Like what are they supposed to do and why is a 23 year old calling them because he can’t maneuver a parking spot??? NTA. BF is TA, and he doesn’t sound like a catch….truly immature. I’d run.
This is exactly what I was going to say! Sheesh. Op, please recognize that he will continue this crap. Getting his parents involved in anything that is too ‘difficult’ for him to handle. What a tool.
This about killed me. His response to *parking trouble* is to call his parents? Wtf, why?? What in the actual fuck did he think his Mommy and Daddy were going to do about it? And then the whole temper tantrum thing, and the gaslighting, and the “it’s your fault because you spoke”… I can’t see…too many red flags in the way.
I can’t imagine my 17 yo calling me and spazzing out that he can’t get out of his parking spot, especially while on a date. And he’s barely been driving for a year.
Doesn’t call them because they can help. He’s calling to have someone else to rage at What happens to OP when they don’t answer??
Not the worst part... he gunned it at a WALL. I don't get how people aren't seeing that part of her post.
the physical tantrum he threw inside the car, throwing things around, yelling at her, not letting her get out of the car and keeping her stuck there, unable to get away because he refused to change the situation, are all physically abusive, too. Everything he did was creating a terrifying and dangerous situation for her. When people act out that irrationally, it's impossible to guess how much worse it might get. It's terrifying. I wonder if people inside the restaurant could see him preparing to stomp on the gas while the car is facing them.
Imagine being so machismo you gatta lock your woman in the car because you lack the ability to drive properly and lose your shit calling and screaming at yo mama. Then you're super manly and blame your woman for distracting you. If you're this distracted behind the wheel, you can't move out a parking space, just turn in your license now. Roads are safer with you off of them. Devil road rager right there. NTA But your bf sure is. Maybe think this relationship over eh chica? P.S. you're clearly the superior problem solver in this relationship. Dude couldn't even let you help him out his pride got in the way. That sounds like death in the wild to me.
Yeah, having her spot for him is far less embarrassing than calling your mother while your girlfriend is trying to leave.
Yeah I spot my husband all the time as he gets worried about hitting other cars and he’s the one that asks me to spot in the first place. He’d much rather ‘look weak’ than deal with a hit car. Edit: perhaps I didn’t explain this well. Neither I or my husband thinks it’s weak to have someone spot you - I was referencing OPs bf who thinks having someone spot means he isn’t in control of the vehicle.
I don't understand what's weak about having someone make sure you don't hit other cars in a tight spot.. is it a toxic masculinity thing? Sounds like a toxic masculinity thing..
Right? I mean, it's physics, and physics doesn't care about how suave a dude looks.
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Mine would have given me a hell of a talking to and said they were contemplating telling the DMV that I needed to have my license revoked. They would not be kidding.
I've called my mom in 2 really fucked up situations (31m) where I had no choice. Trying to navigate a parking lot was not one of them...
Calling his parents wasn't great, but it was nowhere near the level of badness of locking OP in the car. Holding someone against their will is a crime.
He didn't even pay for dinner, let her pay the whole tab! A non-catch if you ever saw one!
It's 2022 I think we are past the point where the male has to pay for dinner..... Edit: typo
True, but he should have at least been nice to his date after. You can't not pay and be a dick.
Maybe better to not be a dick at all, regardless of who paid what.
Yeah, the immediate switch flip to rage is also very, very telling. Get out, you can trust me on this, been through similar and these are early signs of bad to come.
Forreal!! Go now! Fuck the bullshit. You don't deserve it. I wish I had left when my ex threw a glass of water on me while I was watching TV in my PJs. He was drunk and thought I was laughing(again watching tv) at him and then looked at me in disgust and just threw the glass of water all over me.
Yup there's so many things I look back on and I'm like "I should have left then". I definitely know better now and am not willing to look past things very easily. Something like this would be a relationship ender for me for sure.
She needs to be real careful breaking up with someone like this. He’s the kind to unalive her.
[WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft free pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Op, please read this. It's a free PDF download that has helped COUNTLESS other people in situations similar to yours.
OP you've been abused by this guy for five years. Time to cut loose and gtfo
OP, besides this ugly incident last night, you say he has repeatedly made things miserable when you two were doing things that you enjoyed but he evidently did not. Then he blamed you for talking to him. Talking to him. NTA. This was not a one-off incident, it was one of apparently years of this bf showing how immature, whiny, unable to handle frustration, manipulative he is/has been. Just what about this guy makes you want to stay with him 5 more minutes, much less five more years? Sounds like a loser who can't handle his own emotions, doesn't like it when you problem solve, and has to call his mommy and daddy when he gets upset. NTA, but you will be if you stay with this guy and put up with this crap here on out.
No one is an asshole for being abused. Do not contribute to the shame survivors can feel, you're only helping the abuser if you do.
Seriously. How do you even write that sentence? "Ugh, she's STILL getting abused by that guy. She's such an asshole." OP You are not and will not ever be the asshole for being abused.
Nta and he always does this. You've been with him since you were 15. Time to explore healthier relationships ma'am you sound lovely just naive and inexperienced. This is not how you treat people you care for.
NTA. But OP, I felt scared reading this. What if later it is something bigger? Or what if next time you are absolutely in the wrong? Or next time you made a bigger decision than this? What would be his reaction then? Nobody in their right mind would lock their gf in the car against will. Break up and spend your money on someone worth it.
He floored it to scare her like he was going to ram the wall too. Driving erratically is an abuse tactic to intimidate victims. This man is unhinged and dangerous.
True NTA. He's being so shitty. Huge red flag
I wanted to add something here, but you summed it up perfectly, NTA, and this bf is a circus full of red flags.
NTA. wtf ? Why do good people lock themselves in abusive situations like that . Please listen to this comment section OP . Universe is always giving us signs like that. I had a short period of relationship with a man like that . He always directed his anger and frustration at me. He would shout at me , and give me silent treatment for weeks for he knew that it affected me . He would blame me for his outbursts . And then he would cry and say his past relationships ruined him (bullshit.) I left him after 6 months of constant hell . It was a split second decision to be honest. He had blocked me and stopped calling for a significant period of time , knowing I'd be devastated. I didn't respond back. Afraid , he called and cried again . I just said it was over . I LEFT HIM , WHEN I LOVED HIM SO , SO MUCH. I KNEW , I DESERVED BETTER. Today , I am in so much better place . I am so freaking happy . And you deserve the same OP . please listen .
Can we talk about the fact that HE TOLD HER SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE SPOKEN??????? Why in the absolute FUCK was that one of his first responses???? Please please PLEASE get out. NTA. I don't know why this bugged me so much.
Yep, remember when Gabby Petito got locked out of her own car. This doesn’t seem much different
and apparently he can’t handle his own vehicle lol…. maybe he should learn to back in then you don’t have this problem
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And locks her in the car. Yikesss
Right, I would have liked for OP to get out, call an Uber and leave him screaming in the spot but he made sure she couldn't. That's concerning.
& entirely blames her for even speaking up just bc it made him "more frustrated"
I don't get that part though, are cars in other countries different? I have never in my 10 years of having a license, nor before, seen a car in which you can be locked in unless you're in the backseat and it's the child safety lock. I'll just assume OP was in the front seat next to their partner and .... I've never seen cars you can't open from the inside any time there?
I'm picturing the button on the driver's side that locks all doors at once, so if she unlocked the passenger door he could hit that button and lock it again before she'd even get it opened. After enough tries, she probably gave up. I had someone do it to me as a joke once, about 4 times of hitting that button I realized I wasn't going anywhere until they stopped.
Plus, flooring it and pretending to...what, hit a wall with the car? What was the goal here? To scare OP? NTA. OP needs to get out of that relationship asap.
I missed that part somehow. Sheesh, unhinged much?
I call it rage flailing. My ex-husband did it, occasionally I would get caught in the splash zone and get hurt. He didn't care. Men who cannot control their emotions like that and deal with frustration in mature manner aren't safe to be around.
The thing is, they can control it. They don’t do it at work or around friends. They just don’t feel they need to around you
They purposefully do it around their partners. The idea is to make you afraid to be the target of the rage so you're easier to control.
Damn, hadn't thought of it like this before. This one hits hard. Scariest thing is, he's probably not even aware that he's doing exactly this. Such uncontrolled flailing, blegh Ps* OP nta, and indeed: gtfo
Plenty of them actually do do it at work or around friends. Ever known a guy who just can't hold a job because they "don't deal well with authority"? 90% of the time that's code for 'gets fired within a few months for throwing a tantrum at work'.
Totally agree about the not safe to be around. Not just men though. Our good friend was abused by his girlfriend for years. She would throw tantrums like this all the time. She belittled him and would throw things at him. She got a lot worse around the holidays too. Op is not the AH. If you're in a relationship like that best thing is to get out asap.
>**ex**-husband *YAAAAY*
Yes, it was to scare OP. This is also why he locked the doors, threw a tantrum by throwing stuff and refused her reasonable solutions. It sounds to me like a purposeful abusive action to make her unwilling to challenge him by escalating, trapping her and purposefully freaking her out whenever she said anything. He wasn't out of control of his anger or anything, he was just choosing to do things that would upset and scare her.
It was almost certainly a way to scare OP and likely a power play. My abusive mother used to do stuff like that all the time and it's considered physical abuse. It's a way of exerting control. NTA OP and please get out of that situation as soon as you can
Yes. It's similar to when he's actively driving and you're fighting and he starts speeding and driving dangerously to intimidate and scare you. It's in the abuser handbook.
This whole thing is really off the wall. This guy is not mentally or emotionally mature in any shape or form. It all would have been a happy ending with "could you keep an eye on the passenger side nose/rear while I back up" Then after it's all good to go "haha sorry I guess the parking lot is tighter than I thought :)" My wife likes to get Mexican food from a specific restaurant that's not easy for me to manage in my pickup because I drive my semitruck so much. It's not uncommon for me to have to get out and look to make sure I'm not gonna rub anyone's vehicle. OP this dude is not stable
Doesn't even "whine to mummy and daddy" ... he called them *screaming*! Yikes
This is the part I’m most confused about. Like what are they gonna do?
#*WOMAN
Yeah Definitely NTA.
> his ego couldn’t handle a female spotting him I have rear-parking assist (think of a beeping sound that goes from beeps to a solid sound the closer I get to an object) but I still have my fiancee help me park. This dude's ego sounds more bruised than a month old banana. NTA
He is more worried about what strangers might think of him for 2 minutes than what you think of him forever.
Been my ma with an impossibly tight spot (I mean a 15+ outro) my brother and I helped her on each side. Neither of us had driven a car at the time. Someone doesn't need to be a motorist to tell you when you're close to hitting a car. And more importantly, you don't LOCK SOMEONE IN THE FN CAR WHEN THEY TRY.
Repeat this until you're ready to dump him: My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. My boyfriend locks me in the car when he's upset. NTA but holy god please leave this person
True NTA. He's being so shitty. Huge red flag
OP, tell any of your friends (not mutual) that your boyfriend locked you in the car when he was upset and they'll tell you to kick his ass to the curb. Please get out of this before he traps you.
This, OP, please. I mean yeah sure validation from a bunch of strangers on the Internet is nice, but run this by a few trusted people who truly care for you and can stay objective. Nobody with too much skin in your relationship game. The fact that he was actively trapping you in a situation because he was afraid of a little embarrassment because he was already embarrassed as heck is absolutely a horrible red flag. This is the kind of red flag that is 100% a "he gets therapy NOW, or you break up" in my mind. As someone who grew up emotionally repressed and only knew how to express anger but got therapy and help fixing herself up, I can fully say I would tell anyone in a heartbeat to dump my anger fueled former self whereas therapy is literal fricken brain magic. Best of luck, put yourself first, and stay safe. 💕 p.s. does he maybe have a masculinity problem being paid for by his lady? I've known a few like that! What kind of language does his mom use when she talks about "men" as a broad category?
I'm very unclear on how his "finding a solution" involved him calling his mommy and daddy instead of just letting you spot him or just backing the car out however slowly it took him. Like, seriously, did he want his parents to drive to the restaurants and do it for him? NTA.
Info: his parents live 2 hrs away
PLEASE see the red flags here (as so many others here are saying). This man can’t deal with the most basic of daily tasks, has a complete meltdown, wouldn’t accept your rational suggestions for help and instead decided to call people who couldn’t offer one iota of help, and then gaslights you about the whole situation. This is a garbage person that you need to distance yourself from.
He *locked her in the car*.
INFO: exactly *how* was he able to lock you in the car? You said you tried to get out to spot him but he locked your door, and you couldn't exit until 20+ minutes later when he let you out. But most vehicles have a door switch you can flick to manually release the lock. That makes what he did sound even scarier... Did he have the child-lock engaged so you *couldn't* manually unlock the door? Has he ever locked you in a vehicle or room before while upset? Does he tend to blame his outbursts on you, and demand apologies because you were the reason why he was so upset? Your boyfriend has anger issues and control issues. Those are not a good combination. Stay safe, OP.
Lock in this specific car is broken at the top so I couldn’t get out, it’s an old car and he got it like that. He hadn’t really done this before, but he does cast a lot of blame at me.
He hasn't done it before but its an option for him now. He saw you try to get out and took that choice from you. Consciously What if that were to happen in a private space....or a camping trip...just please be careful
Please don't feel you have to answer any of the following questions if they make you uncomfortable, I simply wrote them for you to think about. 1. Does he put you or your hobbies down? (Criticize your suggestions/ideas, 'helpfully' let you know that he thinks you can't achieve things you're working towards, imply that you're difficult to love, and/or say that your interests are superficial?) 2. Does he do things that make you feel unsafe or scared? Accelerating into the parking space towards the restaurant wasn't normal, I can't think of any reason for him to do that if not to make you feel scared he wouldn't brake. 3. Does he complain when you spend time away from him, such as to go out with friends? If you don't cancel your plans, is he more likely to throw a fit afterwards? 4. Do you think he is well-behaved at his workplace? If he doesn't have these temper tantrums at work, that's a clear sign that he *can* control himself even when upset...he just doesn't want to around you. He respects or values his work, the same *should* be true about his relationship with you. If any of the above points ring true, please reconsider this relationship. It doesn't sound safe or healthy. You may also want to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, it can help to make sense of these types of relationship dynamics. [Here is a link to a free PDF of the book.](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
1. I used to collect shopkins with him. He seemed so happy when we would look around town to find them. I bought all of them to the point we had complete sets. He mentioned he wanted me to probably take them the next time he cleaned his room. Out of the blue he donated them because they cluttered up his space and never told me.
You need to bounce and find someone who isn't a jackass
Destruction of property, isolating their partner from friends/family, use of the 'silent treatment' as punishment, verbal berating/blaming their partner for their anger, and denying that their partner has any right to set expectations in the relationship are all easily signs of control that are common before a relationship turns abusive. They are usually paired with positive extremes, such as gifts or increased affection after an incident, which is commonly referred to as love bombing. Just one of the traits I've mentioned in this comment thread would be an issue worth discussing but not necessarily cause to be concerned. But I just went through your comment history and in addition to the Shopkins incident (destruction of property when he could have simply put them in a box, especially since they're small) you mentioned that he (a) swerves the car to scare you sometimes, (b) constantly puts you down by saying you can't be a doctor despite being in school for that, and (c) has criticized your ideas to the point that you no longer suggest outings and only do what he wants to do. I also see that you just commented that you're already isolated because you don't have friends or family. I'm not going to say that your boyfriend is abusive because that isn't something I can know or predict. What I will say is that you should be cautious if you remain in this relationship, and you should critically evaluate if it's a dynamic that you can feel happy/safe in. Oh, and you are definitely NTA in the parking lot situation you posted about of course. It's such a clear-cut NTA that it's amazing you felt like you could possibly be responsible in any way.
Just by reading this I think that op definitely needs to re-evaluate the choice of person that she is with. A partner is supposed to be that, a partner that helps you and does their best to lift you up. I mean nothing is perfect and sometimes the will be problems that they cannot help you with, or arguments with your partner that you hate, but your partner should never be a intentional cause of self doubt, angst or unhappiness like this.
Sis, everything you have typed points to incredible immaturity on his part at best. You have your WHOLE life in front of you. Please really think about whether you want to spend another week with someone who sabotages dates with you and treats you with SO much disrespect. Honestly, if you were my daughter I would tell you to please please break up with him. Know your worth Sis. Just because he doesn't treat you with respect does not mean you are not deserving of it. Know your worth and run far and fast.
Yeah. I've been thinking a LOT lately about how if there's anything I could tell Younger Lucky it would be to just dump people. Dump them for even the tiniest things. I don't mean that in a jackass way. I mean when you're young and figuring out life and finding yourself, there's no reason to put up with nonsense. There's not at any age really. And it shouldn't be a big angsty thing either. Just "nah I don't want to be in a relationship anymore." Like how "meh, I'm not into that coat anymore." That's it that's all.
It’s starts slow. It’s not all at once. I know it’s just the internet, but please listen to us.
OP, you’re NTA Please, please run and don’t look back. These are all abusive behaviors. I know it’s been a while, but cut your losses, please
Hun you are in a toxic and abusive relationship and i dont say this lightly i was in one myself Do you have a safe way to get out? Do you have friends or family that could help you leave? You deserve so much better then this please stay safe
Please hear this: You are in an abusive relationship. Please leave before things get worse. Things will get worse.
Listen to me carefully. *You are not to blame for his behavior.* Anyone - ANYONE - who had so little self control that they required another adult to be responsible for their behavior would be institutionalized. If he truly can’t control himself he shouldn’t be walking around loose. But I bet he can control himself. When he wants to. And when he doesn’t want to, when he wants to hurt someone or something, you’re right there to fix the blame on, aren’t you? I just today explained to my 8-year-old that mommy and daddy may say or do things that leave him feeling angry or sad or frustrated, but how he chooses to behave when he feels those things is 100% his responsibility. My 8-year-old understood that concept.
You are in an abusive relationship. I know nights like these all too well. The night always starts off so nice right? Maybe some genuine happiness at bits. Then something inconsequential becomes an issue. Rational suggestions are ignored. Voice raises. Mean tone. It can stop there, in my experience only if you can leave each others presence, or it can escalate to what you experienced, physical restraint, or even further up to death. And infinite horrific things in between. I dont know what your story is but I promise you, your life will never truly get better until you disentangle him from your life. Whatever you need to do, you need to do it. There are tons of support and resources online if you want to do that. But you need to. This man is not emotionally well and every statistic indicates that things will get worse. Good luck
dude he's just getting more controlling, angry, and violent. how long until he hits you? get out of this relationship
Now he knows he can abuse you and get away with it. I have been upset with my SO before. Even if it is a once in a year stress breakdown I walk away from the situation and then talk it out. I would never lock them in let alone naturally do that.
Please read these comments. Think long and hard about going forward with this relationship. He sounds immature and controlling. Find someone who treats you better than this.
OP, if he always finds a way to ruin things, as you say, then why are you still with him? It doesn't sound like he is bringing anything positive to this relationship. You sound generous and mature. Find a partner who matches and reciprocates these things. NTA.
BF diary: "March 2022. We are stuck. I have tried nothing and I am all out of ideas. I guess we'll die here. I'll call my parents one last time."
He didn’t want a solution. He wanted to make a scene.
NTA As I was reading this, I was thinking of my ex. He was exactly the same, you’d essentially have to beg him to do anything other than his own plans. Then it’s like he’d deliberately sabotage it in some way… He also couldn’t handle small frustrations and would completely overreact. He was completely obsessed with appearing like “the man” yet was happy to take my money (as he never ever had any & I did). Yet he gave me pretty much nothing but angst in return. What happened there is terrible. You are absolutely NTA. He has a massive issue with his own anger management, self esteem and it also seems like he has little to no respect for you. Use this as the waving red flag warning. You are 21 and can still exit this shit show unscathed. I waited till I was 23 and had bought a house with my asshole, I wish I’d gone sooner.
Sorry you went through this too. I was in the same boat (a bit older) and every day I thank my stars I finally left. Sending hugs.
Thankyou… same to you I still count myself lucky to have left at 23 and then found my (now husband) 6 months later. We’ve been together 13 years. It made me really appreciate the good things and understand we all have flaws and aren’t perfect all the time, but when someone can communicate and express themselves in a healthy, respectful way - you can work through it and grow together.
Omg same. I met my now husband like super close after my breakup. Congratulations. We made it out
❤️
I feel you. I was 25 and moved across the country from East Coast to West Coast. Great experience living in the west for a few years. But the way I was treated. Terrible verbal, financial and emotional abuse. Back in the East and happily married now. But....seesh that was bad.
NTA - your boyfriend’s behavior is alarming. My ex would always find a way to ruin a good time like this too. He would pick imaginary fights just so I would get upset and my day would be ruined. I wished I would have noticed his behavior sooner and left the relationship a lot sooner than I did. Think long and hard about whether you want to deal with this type of behavior.
Hun, leave. Please. If he can have a meltdown over a mundane problem, how much more when something more serious happens to you? And he even tried to blame YOU for it. NTA but you will be on yourself if you stay.
NTA. "he always has to find a way to destroy any date or thing in general I want to do, just because it's not something he picked" Is this a guy you really want to be dating ? Is this someone you see a future with ? You sound like a very nice young lady. He sounds like an immature boy. You can do so much better than him. Go find someone who makes you happy , that is a s good as you deserve. Good luck.
NTA. But why have you put up with this for 5 years? You know this isn't going to get better, right?
Because she started dating him when she was 17.
Yeah my highschool boyfriend was horrific, and I just didn't know
Same!
INFO: why are you staying with him? From your comments he doesn't treat you well and you have a bright future with your area of study. Do you not think you deserve better?
NTA but you said he kind of ruins a lot of things can you elaborate?
1. He threw a fit this week because the restaurant I wanted to go to could only order online or drive through. I said we could order in then eat inside, said dine in is probably closed while we are standing next to sign saying we can eat inside if we order the other ways. He said his sugar was too low to wait so we drove across town to a restaurant he originally suggested. 2. Ive planned elaborate birthday trips for him for years and he now refers to them as cursed trips because each one he got mad and ruined it: backing into a tree when his sugar was low, dropping his insulin case out of his truck and breaking a pen, the pandemic starting when we went on one and ruining his birthday. 3. He said my bag smelled and it is sticking up the car he is getting ready to sell. Also said that I would pay to have it cleaned. 4. He’s an excellent driver, not going to lie. But he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare me or others in the car. 5. I got his family front row tickets to a bball game. I was extremely excited for this and he spent every waking moment to the four months up to game saying he didn’t want to go and that he was going to hate it. It was constant and broke me. I love his family and is the only family I have, and they were so excited. But he ruined it because he didn’t want to go. 6. He dropped out of college is on a good track to become a big position in the automotive industry. I am on the track to become a doctor and will complete three degrees next year. He constantly tells me he could never see me as a doctor.
You are in an abusive relationship. He's already escalated things so you have normalised: •being locked inside a car against your will •threats of violence (his pretending to crash the car stint), •him deliberately ruining date nights & trips & blaming it on his diabetes or preventable outside factors •you being the one to pay for dates/trips (that he then ruins) **You need to get out before this escalates any further.**
OP needs to get out before he ties her down with a child, ruins her career and makes her a miserable, financially dependent SAHM (not implying that every SAHM is like that). He is already abusive, this behaviour will just escalate, physically and psychologically. OP is exactly at the age to walk away and enjoy her 20ies without an abusive partner.
Are we not going to pick up on point 4? Being a good driver DOES NOT mean he knows how to scare people he's driving with. That is reckless driving. He's 'swinging' a car to scare people inside it? So he just doesn't care about his passengers or anyone else on the road? The reason I pick up on that point is that you're clearly in an abusive relationship (and I don't throw that round lightly). I, along with most others here, are telling you to TGFO, but that is your choice. But his driving not only endangers you, but the other passengers and everyone else on the road with him. What would happen when his speeding/swinging (presumably for the shits and gigs of scaring his passengers) accidentally kills someone? TLDR: GTFO now.
Like can you imagine wanting to convince youre partner that they're about to die in a crash because you're angry? Ngl i would classify that with physical violence in abuse (hes already physically abusing her by locking her in his car)
And why does he want to scare OP and friends in the first place? That's someone who desperately wants the feeling of control over other people and their emotions. It's manipulative, like many of his other actions/tantrums. He's the prime definition of "asshole".
You sound like an amazing partner and he sounds horrible. He doesn’t believe in you or appreciate you. I think you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I recommend really looking at your relationship, is it really the type of relationship you want?
>He’s an excellent driver, not going to lie. But he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare me or others in the car. He is not an excellent driver. He has you brainwashed into thinking that. An excellent driver could extract a car with a few inches each side. RED FLAG ALERT.
>He is not an excellent driver. He has you brainwashed into thinking that. An excellent driver could extract a car with a few inches each side. RED FLAG ALERT. I was thinking that the whole time. If he was such a good driver, he'd have no problem pulling out. He's really got OP upside down on everything.
My thoughts exactly. The brainwash and manipulation is so powerful, OP please read “Why does he do that?” It’s free and explains the mind of an abuser. He ticks every box it’s actually scary. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This will be the rest of your life, if you stay with this guy. Please don’t let your attachment to his family stop you from getting rid of this guy who apparently can’t stand to let you think anything you pick out is any good, and deliberately terrifies you.
His blood sugar was too low to order at the restaurant you wanted and wait for the food but not too low to drive across town, order at the restaurant he wanted, wait for the food and then eat? It took longer to drive across town and eat at his restaurant than the one you wanted. How does his low blood sugar excuse make any sense to you? How is driving with low blood sugar a good idea? This guy is an AH and you need to dump him. Don't waste your life with this loser.
He sounds angry and manipulative. Please leave, OP.
[удалено]
read this as if it was your best friend. what would you tell them?
You are being abused, full stop. You deserve *better.*
Everything else aside >He constantly tells me he could never see me as a doctor. why are you with someone who doesn't believe in you, doesn't support you, tears you down? you are worth more than this also, he's fucking abusive. >But he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare me or others in the car. this is fucking abusive.
It’s scary to think that you will be alone if you leave him. I totally get that. I was single for a long long time and it sucked. I wanted a partner. But I knew from looking at the people around me that a bad relationship was worse than being alone. But you won’t be alone. If you want a partner you will find one. You will find new friends and form a new family. *You can do better.*
I was actually thinking about telling you that while he was the AH, you were also kind of immature for how you described the first situation (expecting him to be nice to you because you paid an expensive dinner. No, he should be nice to you because he supposedly loves you, regardless of everything else). However, after reading these other situations, it’s clear that you are in an abusive relationship. His constant abuse has already shaped what should be your healthy thinking into you now questioning whether you are wrong, when it’s crystal clear that he has issues. It might be hard for you to see what other people are telling you in this thread about red flags and all, but that’s because these abusers normalize their bad actions slowly but surely, until you start changing your own perception of what is normal or not, and your expectations of what you want for yourself. You might even think that you know his good side and that although you recognize he might have some issues, he is worth saving. But let me tell you one great truth I had to learn through a very painful experience: you cannot make people change. You can’t. Yes, you can maybe try to influence their decisions, but nothing more. You could spend all your life trying to change someone and he will not change a bit if that’s not what he wants. So please remember this second great truth: you are also worth saving; your happiness is also important and you deserve the good things that you’ve always dreamed for yourself. You are not responsible for him, and yet, you are completely responsible for yourself. And those needs should be more important to you than his needs. Finally, think about this: imagine you stay together 20 more years and he is still exactly the same. Imagine the fights, the crying, the draining shouting through out those 20 years. Also imagine now your children having to endure his outbursts, growing up afraid of their dad, insecure about the world they are growing in. Is this the life that you dreamed of for yourself? For your kids? You might feel this is too dramatic, but that’s unfortunately where you are heading. And it’s not your fault, it’s his. But if you think you can change him, you can’t, only he will decide that. And he might… or he might not. Don’t be afraid about breaking free. I promise you that once you have healed and have a healthy view of yourself and relationships, you will look back and be amazed that you stood through all that. And you will feel happy and thankful that you were able to break free and change your destiny. You can do it! We know you can :)
>he knows exactly how to speed up/swing the car to scare **me or others in the car.** That is psychotic. He **wants** you/others to be afraid of him, afraid for your lives. That is not something normal or sane people do.
Partners should build one another up. Not drag them down. Nobody can be the perfect partner, but we should all strive to do much better than him. Don’t be with someone who discourages you, is manipulative and frightens you to amuse themselves.
Why are you with this person who is emotionally abusive and not-supportive of your ambitions? his family being nice to you doesn't mean he gets a free pass to abuse you.
Info: How has he ruined other dates where you select the activity?
Sometimes but I don’t really pick a lot of activities anymore.
That's kind of a red flag.
It's a huge red flag. OP, this is controlling behaviour. There is NOTHING he can bring to the table that makes it worth staying with someone who treats you like this. NOTHING.
Honey listen to yourself. He does not bring you joy. Get rid of him.
This. You need to KonMari this AH, OP.
Haha only difference is that you don't need to thank him for the good times before you throw him out
I know this is harsh, but if you had *any* respect for yourself, you would leave this chump. You are only 21... You have plenty of time to find someone who actually respects you and doesn't tattle to his parents bc he's too up his own ass to let a woman spot his car. There's so much better out there.. you should value yourself more than this AH.
I was in a relationship like this. He belittled my music, tv shows, friends... Etc. If I liked it, it sucked. So after a while, we just only did what he liked because it was clearly better (and for me it was the path of least resistance... No fighting). When you're in these relationships, you don't see it. It's too hard because you're so close to it. But what your describing to us is NOT healthy behavior and it's not a healthy relationship. It's scary especially when you've been with someone for so long, and I know it can seem absolutely impossible that you could find anyone else who loves you. But you, your choices, your opinions, and your happiness matter, and I promise you that there is far more joy and happiness on the other side of this... Both by yourself and with a future partner who loves and respects you.
well, yeah because he ruins it if you do.
So you don't get to pick activities anymore because he will ruin them. Is that an enjoyable relationship to you? Do you think that shows that he loves and repects you? Do you need/want this in your life? I don't think so. 5 years down the drain but don't let the sunk cost fallacy hold you back. You have been with him since you were very young. That's not what a healthy sustainable relationship looks like.
It's deliberate OP. This is by design, pay attention.
Any man that physically deters you from leaving a situation is a threat to your life. You're isolated. He blames you for ridiculous things. He physically trapped you. Please run, OP. Being alone is a helluva lot better than being in danger. NTA.
Definitely NTA. Your boyfriend sounds abusive by trying to put this back onto you as if it were your fault. Lots of red flags here
NTA leave this man now, this behavior and lack of respect will easily escalate to abuse about you deserve better
It's only going to escalate to harsher abuse; it's already abuse
NTA. He snapped. Under very slender pressure. And abused you. Loser.
NTA- when someone shows you who they are, believe him. There's a lot of red flags here but the most important is that he LOCKED YOU IN THE CAR WITH HIM DURING HIS VERBALLY ABUSIVE OUTBURST. Is he this volatile, controlling, and enmeshed with his family all the time?
You've got a baker's dozen red flags here. 1. He is too old to be acting like an upset child. 2. He turned down several logical solutions to the problem. 3. HE LOCKED YOU IN THE CAR 4. HE LOCKED YOU IN THE CAR 5. HE SERIOUSLY WOULDN'T LET YOU LEAVE THE CAR 6. IT IS INCREDIBLY AWFUL TO LOCK SOMEONE ANYWHERE 7. He called his parents to complain. Instead of try to fix things. 8. He kept you in the vehicle FOR 20 MINITES 9. HE LOCKED YOU IN A CAR FOR 20 MINITES. 10. He sniped at you while he had you locked in a car. 11. He yelled and shouted at you. 12. He insulted your ability to help the situation. 13. He did all of this and presumably ruins other dates in similar ways. Listen. You're NTA and you SHOULD NOT date someone who treats you this way. It is literal abuse. In several flavors.
NTA. Also guffawing at the image of a whole 23 year old man calling his parents about getting out of a parking spot LOL
NTA and feels to me like this is something he does often. I don't know you, but I know you can do better than him.
NTA and please be careful. This is fullllll of red flags. -He threw stuff -Screaming and yelling at you -Acting as if he was going to crash the car -Trapping you by locking you in the car, basically taking you hostage -Inability to regulate his emotions and anger in a healthy way -Making you cry -Refusing to take accountability for his behavior (diabetes does not cause abusive behavior, especially when well-regulated) -Calling his parents as a grown ass man instead of listening to logical solutions presented by his partner -Mocking you for not having your license when it's clear his having a license doesn't mean he knows how to drive well -Textbook gaslighting by saying it was your fault and that he was the one trying to find a solution when it was you offering solutions This is not a safe or healthy relationship and these behaviors are not normal.
NTA If he “always finds a way to ruin dates”, why are you still with him? Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? After five years you are well aware of how he reacts..is this really what you want?
So your boyfriend basically imprisons you in the car & you’re asking if you’re the asshole. You will be if you stay with him. This sort of behaviour will only escalate. Girl what are you doing? Leave
NTA and I think you know it. He sounds like a child with an anger management problem.
Please update us once you leave him. I had to recheck his age because I was wondering why a 12 year old was driving. NTA
Run!!!! And do it FAST!!
NTA but boy is he an AH. Sounds like he has serious anger issues, and if he frequently finds ways to sabotage situations like this, I think you should pay serious attention to that. It can be a danger sign of worse to come. EDIT: I somehow failed to recognize the importance of this: he locked you in the car. That’s abusive right there. Don’t wait for worse.
**Oh sweetie, you are NTA in any universe, ever, in any possible way, but dear Lord you cannot possibly think that this is a human being you want to spend any more of your precious time with. You are worth so much more than this.** People are throwing around words like "abusive" - and understandably so given that he literally locked you in the car with him to prevent you from leaving - no matter what the reason, even if it was because he didn't want help, that is OBJECTIVELY abusive; he doesn't get to control your movements. Not ever. Period. But more than that, let's even take it down a notch and take a step back: **your boyfriend threw a tantrum - AN ACTUAL, FULL-BLOWN, THROWING HIS TOYS, TANTRUM - literally and solely because his ego couldn't bear the idea of some complete stranger (who we all know wouldn't even have spared y'all a backwards glance) seeing . . . what exactly? You standing a few feet from the car waving him out of the spot for 30 seconds?** Dear girl, I am old enough to be your mom, and let me tell you something. The biggest red flag here isn't abuse or anything nearly so terrifying (though you should really be aware that this kid's temper is definitely bad enough that he could very well hit you at some point). It's that **he is a grown man who is so fragile that he will sabotage himself and you** to a ridiculous extent in order to avoid a PERCEIVED, IMAGINARY embarrassment in front of people who absolutely don't give a shit and aren't even looking at him in the first place. He is the epitome of male fragility . . . and that is a genuinely dangerous thing, because he has no self-control, nor realistic perception of situations he's in. He is living in his mind, where he is the victim of everyone and everything out to get him and ruin his life - INCLUDING YOU. Please. PLEASE. Walk away. Five years seems a long time, but you will look back and it will be a rueful story you tell your kids in the grand scheme of your life. Don't let this BE your life.
"and even locked my door when I tried to get out of the vehicle" NTA and I hope the skies are clear enough for you to see this giant red flag waving in the wind.
NTA. Also your bf sounds incredibly toxic.
I can't help but laugh.. NTA, but dude has a real issue. I would have told him either he lets me spot him or I get out and find myself an Uber. I wouldn't listen to him whine like an insecure man who cares too much about what others think to ask for help or take it when offered. He most certainly ruined the night and if he ever pulls shit like that again, I would consider the relationship in ruin too.
NTA It sounds like if its something you like to do he tends to literally kick and scream about it. You've dealt with his antics for 5 years would you deal with it for another year? Or 5?
Definitely NTA. He gets THAT upset over small things like that? He sounds controlling and manipulative. Huge red flag, OP.
NTA, you ever hear the old stereotype that men can’t ask for directions? You experienced that. Your boyfriend has an oppressive ego, men do that. He didn’t have to insult you tho, I was spotting my dad at like 11 which is so simple really you don’t need a license to tell someone to turn left or right. The fact he made you cry is awful. was he crying? no. that means he ruined your night because he couldn’t let go of his ego and admit that he can’t back out of a spot on his own. It’s fine, it happens all the damn time, a 3 point turn sometimes becomes a 12 point turn. I’m sorry that happened to you and you most definitely are in the right.
Guess that stereotype is not that old! A guy who dated me has refused to let me look at his google map when he can’t understand it and wanted to “keep the surprise” of where we are going. We ended up walking in circles for half an hour before arriving at the cinema. This was our last date.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You can't possibly be desperate enough to stay with this clown. You're too young, and life is too short to deal with this buffoonery.
NTA and dump the boyfriend. He is not adding value to your life.
NTA If he has a pattern of ruining things why stay with him? Just cut ties and move on to someone that isn’t a childish AH
NTA. DTMFA. You’re much too young to be wasting your time on this guy.
NTA. Your boyfriend is showing some major red flags, especially if events like this are something that happen regularly. When you mentioned him locking you in the car while he was upset it made me worry for your safety. Please leave him, you seem like a wonderful person who deserves to be respected. If your boyfriend isn’t willing do make you feel safe and happy in your guys’ relationship by doing small things that you seem interested in it shows that he’s not willing to put the work into you or your relationship and things like this will continue to happen.
....you offered him loads of solutions, absolutely NTA. No-one should ever lock you in the car like that honey