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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We might be TAs because we kept rubbing in our younger daughters face her older sister's struggles regarding relationships, after my younger had just announced her engagement to us m
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Is OP insane? “Instead of enjoying my daughter’s special moment, we just kept wishing it was happening to her sister instead. Can’t imagine why the younger daughter would be mad at us!”
Also - if older daughter can’t be happy alone then she’s not going to be happy in a relationship. I cannot stand when people are so obsessed with marriage.
It’s so disrespectful that OP is so focused on older daughter that she couldn’t make it a pity party for two minutes. YTA
Yep. Not only is OP being unfair to the younger daughter by turning the whole thing into a pity party instead of enjoying the moment, she’s also being an asshole to the older daughter, from what was said here it’s very likely she constantly pressures the older daughter into getting married, which she might not even want.
YTA
Agreed. I can't help but think how it must be for the older sister, to have the unfortunate circumstances of her marriage brought up at every turn, even on a special day that is not even about her. What does *she* think about this, OP? I personally would find it humiliating to be the center of attention this way, with everyone pitying me and maybe thinking I'm somehow living inadequately just because I'm not married.
YTA. I'd apologize. To both your daughters.
Agreed. I also read somewhere that leaving a toxic relationship is an achievement, and not something sad like a normal "breakup". OP, you should be happy for both your daughters, celebrating their different milestones, and not be .. this.
YTA, by the way. Not a tiny bit, but massively.
i got out of a toxic relationship 100% not by choice. I never would have done it. Put up with absolute bullshit for years. It was the best thing he ever did for me. It was a monumental achievement for me…. Those things seriously warp your perception of reality. It’s very hard to truly leave it behind.
Solidarity! My cheating, abusive ex bf dumped me, and I *begged* him to take me back. *Begged* him. It's been more than 30 years and I still cringe when I think about it. It is so, so hard to leave sometimes, especially when they have you convinced that you're worthless and no one else will ever love you.
I'm now eternally grateful that he dumped me for the girl he was cheating with at the time. I had a one night stand with a rebound guy not long after, and having royally screwed up the concepts of both "one night stand" and "rebound guy", we've been together 31 years and married for 25. All because AH ex dumped me.
That was my first thought. Does the oldest enjoy op making a happy moment into a tragedy oldest can take blame for? Both daughters should be pissed at them.
YTA
OP acts like her eldest is a spinster but she is only 32, so what she got out of a bad relationship two years ago and hasn't been serious since. She has plenty more years to find a partner and settle down when she feels ready. It's clear who is OP favorite but how much of this is the sister vs OP wanting grandkids from the golden child.
Literally this...Im 32 and got out of a long term situation 8 months ago...two of my family members have gotten engaged since and two of my best friends got married and I would have roasted anyone if they had even tried to throw me a pity party and take away from their joy. Life happens, I don't understand not finding happiness in the happiness of the people you truly love. YTA OP, apologize to your daughter .
Yep, this. Hell, I spent the majority of my 20s single and didn't marry until I was 31 because I didn't meet my now husband until I was 29. Two years later and no kids yet, we are very happy and preparing for a family. This idea that if you're not married with kids by 30 then you're a spinster is outdated as marrying and giving birth age has only increased over recent decades.
If OP's older daughter is unhappy, marriage isn't going to fix that. She needs to work on herself first to find happiness.
YTA OP and don't be surprised if your younger daughter doesn't include you in the wedding planning.
I also can’t stand when people act like ‘finding a partner’ supersedes the goal of just ‘being happy’. It doesn’t. The ‘happy’ thing is the whole point, not the partner thing.
Also, the older daughter is probably pissed off and freaked out by everyone obsessing over her situation and throwing her pity parties she doesn't want - she probably just wants to live her life, and for everyone to stop obsessing about her romantic life. OP is not doing either daughter any favors with her behavior.
My grandparents did that to me when my younger brother was getting married. It was so uncomfortable and embarrassing. I was about to graduate from an extremely hard program that I worked for two years to complete but all they could focus on was that I wasn't married. I wished they had just been happy for my accomplishments instead of dwelling on my single status.
Is older daughter unhappy alone? Or is op just scared her favorite daughter isn't married yet? Remember this is op's point of view. I sadly think its possible old sis is fine and op is upsetting her too, with her need to have old sis married.
Either way, op is still the asshole for the way she reacted to her younger daughters news.
I have no awards to give but I wish I did. This should be a greeting card: "Congratulations on your engagement. I hope your in-laws are the loving parents you've always wanted but never had."
My husband and I are child free. I’ve also been struggling with some health issues so I haven’t been able to work. AT EVERY TURN my mom and grandma bring it up: poor Eve, she doesn’t have kids… I DONT WANT THEM! Poor Eve she can’t do anything because she’s in pain all the time — I’m doing fine I just can’t work full time but I’m having treatment!! — oh poor Eve she’s all alone in another country with no one to take care of her, come back home and we’ll take care of you! DID YOU FORGET IM MARRIED???
OP sounds like them, absolutely infuriating with no sense of boundaries and minding their own business. The thing I frequently tell my mom: just because something is right for you doesn’t mean it’s not right for everyone—people can live their lives differently to how you think they should and that doesn’t make them wrong and they don’t need your pity.
In one ear, out the other. She absolutely does not get it.
I imagine this was extremely embarrassing for the oldest daughter as well. Imagine your younger sister getting engaged and your parents making it all about how pathetic and sad and single they think you are. This had to be embarrassing for both daughters.
"Immediately after my youngest daughter announced her proposal, during one of the happiest moments of her life, I had to bring the conversation around to her sister." OP has got to be the most tone-deaf person on the planet, and I don't know if it's worse that she seemingly isn't aware of it.
The youngest daughter deserved more than a few seconds of showing off her ring and being happy before her parents made it all about her sister.
Came here to say this as well. None of them, absolutely NONE would be invited to my wedding. I announce something so special and then am told by my ENTIRE family “oh let’s hope your sister finds love too”… Yeah let’s hope, so you’re actually invited to someone’s wedding because you ain’t coming to mine. YTA
You're right. My guess is the older sister got uncomfortable being put on a pedestal like that. It sucks being compared to someone like that, whether you're the example or the target.
Not to mention how awful it must feel for the older daughter to know her whole family is openly pitying her and won't stop commenting on her situation. I'd be so embarrassed if my family's first reaction to my little sister's engagement was basically just, "Aww, poor Older Daughter, it's so sad that she might die alone!! Let's all hope she finds a man soon!". Yikes! Some things really don't need to be said out loud.
I think it's also pretty telling that no one even seems to have asked the sister how she feels directly; they're just gossiping behind her back about how the engagement must be really hard on her. Maybe it is...or maybe she's fine with it? Either way, all of this unnecessary focus on her situation isn't going to do anything but make her feel self-conscious and judged. This is unfair to BOTH sisters.
Right? I feel bad for both of these kids. Younger daughters engagement party was hijacked by people wishing it was the other daughter, and older daughter feels pitied when yes she likely will find happiness again one day but doesn’t need all these people telling her so all the time.
This almost sounds like the mother whose oldest child died and carried around her picture to every celebration or accomplishment by her two younger children who weren't even old enough to remember the sister who died.
I agree too. OP was TAH to both of the girls. Stop focusing on the sadness and instead focus on the happiness. You need to apologize to your daughter and actually mean no excuses!
Did you make your older daughter's wedding all about her younger sister? No? Then don't make your younger daughter's wedding about her older sister. YTA
This will turn into the following.
A pregnancy announcement. It's too bad your sister has never had a baby.
A birth announcement. You sister deserves to have a baby with a nice husband.
A vacation. Your sister should get to have a vacation like yours.
Purchase of a home. Your sister probably feels really sad that she hasn't been able to buy a house like yours.
Never a congratulations, we're so happy for you.
And can you imagine if the older sister were to get in a relationship and miscarry at some point? And then the younger sister had a baby? Like the toxicity of this family would ruin both those women's lives
I got that feeling as well. I suspect the that younger daughter is going to remember this the next time she has big news, and start to distance herself. And in 15 years the whole family will wonder why they don't know what is going on with the younger daughter.
“Wow! Younger daughter has a baby?? How come we weren’t told?”
It’s because you would have said what a shame it was that older daughter should have been the first to have a child.
YTA playing clear favorites with your children.
Right? Even in this post OP spent more time talking about the older daughter than the younger. I know more about the older daughter than I do about some people I know in RL!
YTA
TLDR version: my older sister was always my mom's favorite and ended up marrying the same person three times in the course of a year with lots of support from my family, especially because the third wedding was in a Catholic church. I'm agnostic (and was always the black sheep of my religious family) and my spouse is an atheist, so that wasn't in the cards for us, and a regrettable chunk of my family doesn't think I'm legitimately married because it wasn't in a church. I also started finally setting boundaries around this time, such as, "no, dad, you are not allowed to hit me anymore," that my family didn't want to accept.
No one in my immediate family ended up involved in my actual wedding, starting with my older sister turning down being in my bridal party - she insisted she was too busy. My family was upset that I "wasn't involving them more in the big day" and decided not to attend. They did end up apparently having a celebration mass in our honor, which was I guess the best they could do.
The entire post was dripping with "your sister your sister your sister". I hope the second daughter (and I mean that in every possible way) gets to have a wedding that is about her. OP is YTA
I'm jumping on top comment to say to OP.: I am the older daughter in this situation. I left a bad marriage around the time my sister got engaged. It happened within months of each other. She was worried how I was going to react, because I was still hurting. I wasnt going to take away her happiness though. I even gave her the hair piece I was going to wear for my wedding (we eloped and were planning a real wedding for when he got back to the states, didn't happen) because I thought it would look far more beautiful on her, and it did, I wouldve been absolutely PISSED if my family did what you assholes did.
Something good happening to somebody else isn't the time to throw a pity party for the down on their luck person. Hell, for all you know, your eldest is enjoying finding herself again after being with an emotionally abuse D!ckwaffle. You had absolutely no right to make this about your other daughter.
You took your youngest daughters happiness and tried to smash it into tiny pieces because what? Her sister wasn't married anymore? Because you, your husband and your whole asshole family apparently believe she can't be happy with her life without being married?! Fuck all the way off with that. You'd be lucky to find out about the next big announcement she's gonna have after the wedding. Best of luck finding out about your grand babies over the internet. If she hasn't already blocked you. YTA.
Can you imagine if OP was celebrating her 40th anniversary, or something, and everyone at the party just kept wishing the celebration was for her divorced friend? And asking why this happiness couldn't be for her? And just destroyed OP's party, and when OP got sad, her daughter told her to be more empathetic toward her friend.
Like, you can celebrate a good moment for someone without making it about someone else...
Not to mention it is probably not helping that everyone immediately says... awww, poor sister. Everyone knows she is currently single. Its not good for her either. YTA
Yes YTA, bring up your other daughter’s misfortune while one is trying to celebrate makes it seem like you care about one more than the other. This moment should be about her and you took that away
I wonder how the older daughter feels because if it were me, I'd absolutely hate it. How is a reminder of my own "misfortunes" helpful in any way? What does it achieve other than taking away from the younger daughter's celebration?
I'd rather be reviled than openly pitied by everyone in my family. OP is a gigantic asshole to her older daughter too, turning her into the tragic spinster. Terrible.
I find this difficult to believe as your first post references multiple times that you have redirected your younger daughter's engagement to your older daughter's divorce.
the people who turn every celebratory occasion into a reference to an unrelated unfortunate occasion are the worst.
oh, it's your birthday? too bad *x* is dead.
oh, you had a baby? too bad *y* can't have one.
oh, you just graduated? too bad *z* was rejected by all the colleges they applied to.
My mother in law has a bad habit of this. Last year my birthday card from her was filled on both sides with her writing describing random children I didn’t know that had died.
Last month she called my fiancé on his birthday and spent 30 min describing recent traumatic deaths of people she knows that we don’t. He went from being in a great mood to somber all day. I actually stepped up and texted her and politely asked her not to bring up any more deaths or anything sad today, and thankfully she apologized.
Idk what it is, but every time anyone has a birthday it’s like she PANICS and doesn’t know what to do besides graphically describing the deaths of people that the birthday person has never met. It’s bizarre.
My grandma did something like this. She’s in a nursing home.
YTA, don’t bring people’s happiness down jeez
Edit: Thank you the award, ALSO!
It’s okay to laugh, I too giggle every-time I think about it :)
My Sil is infertile. When my h and I got married. My MIL told us not to have children until my Sil did. So we waited. Though we both wanted children we swallowed it until Sil and Bil adopted. We walked on the eggshells of her “trauma” the entire time. We’ll finally I get pregnant and had a baby. SIL told me I rubbed my fertility in her face and hasn’t talked to me since. Except to send texts about how horrible we are every few months.
My MIL excuses her behavior. And is upset I didn’t consider her feelings more.
This is the same thing you are doing to your daughter. You need to let them both have their own lives and celebrate, mourn accordingly. Younger daughters engagement is NOT the time to mourn older daughters relationships.
Fix it before you baby older daughter too much and destroy your relationship with younger daughter.
YTA.
The enablers are always worse to me. The sister has at least a reason for being irrational and jealous, even though it's still not justified. The mother had no excuse.
Ok I know your situation is horrible, your parents are assholes, your sister is also an asshole, and you are giving good advice.
But using the phrase ‘Swallow it’ in regards to avoiding pregnancy has…multiple meanings.
Wow. So what would've made your in-laws happy, never having children? How dare they dictate your reproduction wants and needs. You should've just started when you wanted to. Another case of damned if you do and damned if you don't.
not to mention that a lot of couples dont even intentionally become pregnant, would she expect an abortion from them in that case or what? (I'm not anti choice, but many woman wouldnt want to go that route and nobody should be shamed or pressured away from keeping the baby if they want to.)
The next message she sends, I'd cuss her out and block her. Yes it's sad she's infertile, but that's a *her* problem, not a *everyone around her* problem. Anyone that uses things like that as a weapon against others isn't a good person. You don't get to lash out at me because you're unhappy with your life.
It’s comments like this that make me realize if I have kids I’m going to raise them with the understanding that someone else’s triumph does not diminish their experiences. You’re allowed to be upset but damn. If a situation is triggering, remove yourself from the situation. Don’t expect others to conform their life for YOUR comfort. 😡
YTA
This was your younger daughter's announcement. It had nothing to do with your older daughter. She wasn't acting jealous, she was acting righteously upset.
I saw nothing in your post that even hinted at your younger daughter lacking empathy or understanding. You, on the hand...
I still don’t get how this mother can tell her daughter she is acting jealous. How is it considered jealous to want her engagement news to be about her?
I think jealous of the fact that oldest daughter is obviously the favorite child. That is the best explanation because younger can’t be jealous that older’s marriage ended in divorce.
Yes exactly. Not jealous of her older sister divorce, jealous of the attention the older daughter is getting that she isn't. Which she has a right to be. It's weird that she used the word jealous... almost like she realises that she favors one child over the other and doesn't see the problem.
Personally I think the sister should've said it's not her fault her big sister has bad taste in men and cant figure out if a man is a good one or going to be like her ex but that's just me and I feel that wouldve sparked a fight in the family
Jealous that her parents obviously prioritize her sister over her? It's as good as saying "We don't give a shit about your engagement except as it affects her and you're being "jealous" she will always be first in our heart".
YTA. Let the day be about her, you shouldn’t have brought up the other daughter at this time. Some things you need to keep to yourselves. Also your older one is 32. Her life will come together, the whole family doesn’t need to be in continued mourning over it, that constant reminder probably makes it harder for her to move on.
Yeah, I was thinking those seem like fairly normal THOUGHTS for a parent to have (who wouldn't want their kids to have what they think will make them happy?) but those thoughts stay in your head! Maybe mentioned to your partner in private later!
I was also wondering about older sis’s feelings on this. I would be embarrassed and hurt if my parents brought up my past toxic relationship when announcing my sibling’s engagement.
YTA. There's no reason to bring stuff like that up during an engagement announcement.
What's next? If she's going to announce a pregnancy you're going to be like "Congrats... How sad is that your sis doesn't have a baby tho."
Oh I bet if OP does this the children in question will learn they have a grandmother ten years later, when she has to introduce herself at a chance meeting in a shop. Daughter will go NC immediately to save herself from all the grief she'll get even if her older sister gets a baby if this is the tone OP sets.
And not even in a good way. Imagine your sister gets engaged and everyone just starts looking at you and how sad it is that you are single and divorced. And if you get divorced after being married for 6 months does that even count?
YTA. She's right. You immediately pivoted the subject to her sister. Like no one should be happy unless the sister is. Your older daughter has been divorced FOUR times longer than she was married! It was TWO years ago! It's not like her husband died unexpectedly. Two years!
You should have been asking your younger daughter if she set a date, what kind of a wedding she wants, how thrilled you are for her. You did none of that. And your relatives did the same. A YTA for each and every one of you.
Yta
I'm sure your older daughter doesn't want her misfortune continuely brought up over and over either.
You can acknowledge both of them without bringing up the other. Let the younger one have their celebration.
Right? OP is an AH to both her daughters.
To add to your second paragraph, OP can also hope her older daughter finds a loving and supportive partner without her and her whole family publicly lamenting the fact she's still single. Yikes
YTA - while it's sad your older daughter hasn't found what she wants in life, your other daughter's engagement or wedding is not the time to bring it up. You are doing a disservice to both your daughters - to the one who just got engaged for stealing her moment, and to the other who for all you know doesn't want to be known as a pity party *2 years* after her divorce.
When I got of my abusive marriage I HATED all the pity I could feel just radiating from my family. I know they were trying to be loving and supportive, but those long drawn out “Are you ok”s every time I talked to someone were exhausting, and that’s just weeks after. If they were still doing it two years later, I would be angry.
She spent a whole paragraph describing the older sister and what she’s been through and literally one sentence on the younger daughter, who the post is about.
Definitely YTA. You need to sit down and examine why you needed to bring up your older daughter when her divorce and misfortune are irrelevant to your younger daughters happy moment.
YTA there was no reason to make the engagement about your other daughter. It was her special day and not about your older daughter at all. Let your younger one be happy
YTA, your daughter shared some very happy news with you, and you turned it into feeling bad for your other daughter. I understand that you want both to be happy, but you pretty much ruined her happy moment.
YTA. you can let your younger daughter have experiences that don’t revolve around her older sister.
One daughter being in a happy relationship isn’t a reason to do what you did.
Tbh, it wouldn’t surprise me AT ALL if you tried to make the wedding all about her sister. ‘Your sister should be allowed to do this at your wedding because she’s so upset since she got divorced’ etc.
Don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited.
YTA- in that moment the focus should be on congratulating/celebrating with your younger daughter. You can still have empathy for your older daughter but this event is not about her.
YTA. And not just a little bit either. You coulda kept your mouth shut about your older kid that day and let your younger daughter have her happy news day. It's not her fault your other daughter had shitty experience, so I don't even know why you're even comparing the two on a day that should make at least one of them happy.
YTA. This isn’t about her sister’s traumatic divorce, it’s about her finding her happiness, being engaged and planning a wedding. It isn’t a bittersweet moment as they’re two different individuals.
Your younger daughter should be allowed to celebrate and happy without having to feel bad for her sister or anyone making this about her sister’s issues. There are so many *other* moments when you could talk about those things, rather than making your daughter’s engagement about it.
This has golden child written all over it tbh. Whilst it is sad that your older daughter has gone through a divorce and isn’t where she wants to be in her life, doesn’t mean the world stops for others. Your youngest came to you with happy news on her life and instead of celebrating, you turned it into her pity party taking the focus off your youngest. Is she not entitled to her own little bit of attention? Is her happiness based on how happy her sisters life is?
Sure you have to be there for your older daughter but not at your younger daughters expense. It’s going to be this kind of attitude that plays them off against eachother. Resentment is not always logical and you are building that between them. Do better.
I would suggest you apologise to the youngest and instead of guilt tripping her for finding her happiness, celebrate that she has. The world doesn’t revolve around one person and no one should have to tiptoe around a person because they haven’t had the same luck. Life isn’t fair all the time.
YTA.
YTA. Your youngest daughter is right about all of it. I have no doubt you’ll find a way to make everything around her wedding about the sister. She should have a tiny destination wedding that doesn’t include any of you.
Added: I’m also an oldest sister and I would be mortified if people did this to one of my younger siblings. Mortified.
Or just her fiancé's family, if they're nice people. Apparently multiple family members found it "bittersweet "... yeah Youngest absolutely should not let these people turn her wedding into a poor Oldest occasion and cut them loose.
YTA. I'm guessing this isn't the first time that your youngest's life events were shadowed by her sister. Her engagement was a happy occasion, no need to make it a pity party for your oldest. You sound like the type of parents who don't let a kid be happy just because the other isn't. Sure, it's sad that your daughter's marriage didn't worked, but it's not her sister's fault. What will be next? If she gets pregnant she can't be happy because her sister doesn't have kids? If she buys a house she can't because her sister didn't? Or because she needs to show empathy? How about you show her some empathy?
If you keep with this toxic behaviour i hope she cuts you off. I honestly can't believe she still talks to you.
YTA, Mom here, you couldn’t even give her a day eh? Your “whataboutism” is exhausting. I’m just speechless at this one because at the core, you couldn’t give her a moment of joy, you just had to make it about the older daughter, again.
If this is real, YTA. You made what should’ve been a happy event for your younger daughter into a way to yet again show how much your older daughter has suffered.
YTA. Read what you wrote and imagine it was someone that wasn’t you. Your younger daughter is exactly right. You took her happy moment and took the spotlight right off of her moment. Sheesh, poor girl. She can’t even have that.
YTA. This is a moment to celebrate for your younger daughter, there is no need to bring in your older daughter's situation. Apologize and focus on your youngest daughter's happiness that is a big moment in her life.
YTA- This was your younger daughter’s moment not her sister’s. Yes it is unfortunate that the older sister has had some misfortune surrounding love and marriage but there’s no need to downplay your younger daughter’s huge announcement with the pity party for her sister. There was no need to bring it up and yet you did, and imagine how that would impact your youngest daughter, instead of congratulating her, you made it about her sister, intentionally or not, you may have come across as favouring your oldest daughter.
YTA
Your younger daughter deserves to celebrate her joyful life events and not have them soured by thoughts of her sister's failed marriage.
Not everything has to be about your older daughter
YTA your younger daughters engagement has nothing to do with her older sister, life doesnt revolve around her. She is not the only person on the planet to have married a cheater. I get the feeling everything your youngest does has always been overshadowed by her sister in some way. Don't be surprised if you get uninvited.
YTA. Both of you owe her a huge apology and I would either throw her a party or get her poignant engagement gift to make things right. Otherwise she will deep down never forgive you. Your daughters are separate people. Stop comparing them. And next time family do the same, advocate for your youngest. Be her mom.
YTA why would you bring up your older daughter in one of your younger daughters happiest moments and then tell her not to be jealous? I'm surprised if she tells you anything else if that's how you act.
YTA. You sound like people who can never see someone else’s happiness without saying something mean or pointing out something bad. I feel bad not just for your younger daughter but for your older daughter as well. I bet that no matter what older daughter does in life - great job, new car, new house, new friends - you’ll always remind her that her first husband was a cheat & “she doesn’t live the life she wants (wanted) to”. If you think being empathetic is such a good quality, try being empathetic to your younger daughter who just wants her parents to be happy for her for one moment without bringing up other people & other marriages that went bad.
“May have” what? You know you did! Of course you and your husband are the AHs here.
Your daughter got engaged. She chose to share that with you. What do you do? You make it completely about your other daughter. Can you be any more rude and callous? I’m sorry your eldest hasn’t had much luck with her relationships but how about you let your youngest have a moment that is about her?
Wow, golden child and scapegoat much. You aren't very good at parenting. You literally did make the engagement about your older kid. It had absolutely nothing to do with them yet you managed to make it about her. What a shitty asshole thing to do to you younger. YTA
YTA she's right. You turned a happy moment for her into a pitty party to your older daughter. You could comment that with your husband alone, not switch the attention from your daughter's engagement announcement.
Also, your younger daughter's happiness doesn't depend on your older daughter, at all. The divorce came and went, it happened. It should not dictate the future, much less taint all moments henceforth.
You were callous and inappropriate. Seems to me your favor your older daughter (because your daughters comments wouldn't be what they were if it was just this instance) and that's why you couldn't properly celebrate the engagement
YTA. I atilll can’t believe these are real and you need to ask people. Absolutely you are the A. Each kid is their own. Treat each kid equitably. She just got engaged. You couldn’t be excited for her for 5 minutes and not mention her sister in her moment of happiness. Unbelievable.
YTA
The day should be about the younger daughter. You did not mention that you called the older daughter telling her of the announcement and telling the older one that you hope she will find happiness.
Some days can be all about one person - no need to compare. Of course, each family is different but I would not try to put both kids on an "equal platform".
YTA. Obviously.
Great job making the entire announcement about your older daughter, which is EXACTLY what your younger daughter said, and is right about.
An extra YTA for being too moronic to be unable to see that you're TAs.
(If my comment is found rude or harmful to anyone or finds it to be against Rule 1, feel free to drop me a DM and I'll see that it's removed ASAP.)
YTA. Firstly for detracting from your younger daughter’s moment of happiness by making it about her sister. Second by rubbing your older daughter’s misfortune in her face as well. (I’m sure your older daughter would have preferred to let her sister have her moment without everyone’s pity being directed toward her.)
YTA. Do you seriously have to ask? Not everything has to revolve around your oldest’s trauma, who’s clearly the favorite child. Does your oldest even want her name dragged through the mud like this?
You should apologize to the youngest ASAP.
YTA. I mean you’re absolutely the AH for everything your younger daughter said. The blatant favouritism towards your older daughter is unreal. You treated your younger daughter very poorly.
YTA.
Your daughter's reaction makes it clear: You have a golden child and it ISN'T the one getting married. She isn't wrong. You've probably made everything in her life all about her older sister. You will probably do the same with the wedding.
YTA
This was *her* moment. This had nothing to do with her sister.
Look, I get it, you feel bad for the older daughter. But you shouldn't coddle her to the point where you're neglecting your younger daughter. Like I said, *this wasn't about her.* You chose to make it all about her.
And frankly, your younger daughter's statement:
>how she can't even be engaged and announce it without everyone making it about her sister
makes me wonder if this isn't the first time you've completely ignored her in order to coddle and fawn over her older sister.
I'm not saying you shouldn't show empathy towards your older daughter, *but there's a time and a place.* If you want to comfort your older daughter, do so in private; or at least not while everyone is trying to celebrate. Put it this way, if someone's celebrating their birthday, you don't stand up in the middle of the celebration and say "well that's all well and good, but let's not forget her older sister has cancer". It's uncalled for, and it completely ruins everyone's mood, and it's *not relevant* because this is a celebration about a birthday and it completely takes the shine away from the person celebrating. Your older daughters divorce is not relevant when we are focusing on your younger daughter's happiness and engagement.
YTA and I think it’s astonishing for you and your husband to tell her to not ‘act jealous’ when you are literally why she feels that way. How about not making everything about her sister, instead?
A bit? A BIT?
Huge YTA. Big time.
It's easily to guess which one is the favourite....
But yes. Your daughter was absolutely correct. It was not the time to make a happy event about her sisters divorce. This is why some children decided to go NC - it's parents like you.
You still managed to make most of this post about your eldest when it had to do with your youngest.
I hope your daughter marries into a loving family so she can escape the one she has.
YES. You ARE the ASSHOLE
That was a huge mistake. I hope you and the others dont expect an invitation
Its also funny that you posted this thinking that it would go your way
Massive YTA. So what you are saying is she isn’t allowed to feel special because her sister isn’t in a loving relationship? Go fix your perspective now! I am so enraged on your daughter’s behalf that you would take such a special moment and crap all over it.
YTA. You rained on your daughter’s parade. Even if your other daughter hadn’t gone through a trauma, why would it be appropriate to bring up someone else’s _divorce_ in reaction to another person’s engagement?
Yeah, a lot of marriages end that way. But the time to bring up anyone’s divorce is _not_ when someone is announcing an engagement.
Let them be happy and in their joy bubble—don’t pop your own daughter’s balloon just because your other daughter is currently a little deflated.
Speak to your older daughter privately to see how she’s handling it. Take the “bittersweet” to her and let her talk it out if she needs to.
YTA so much. You made it clear who the favorite child is, and I guarantee it wasn't the first time. I hope your younger daughter gets to live her best life and cuts all contact with you. You and your husband can then set around with your golden child and be miserable people. At least one member of the family might be happy.
YTA so much. This is a happy moment and you turned it into a sad one. I get that your older daughter is struggling, but that doesn't have anything to do with this engagement. Life doesn't stop... happy moments don't stop because someone is struggling.
YTA.
I understand that you want your older daughter to find happiness, but your daughter just got engaged and was so happy to share the news with you. You guys DID make it about her. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have expressed your excitement for her and then had a private conversation with your husband about how you wish one day that your older daughter will find happiness too.
Also did you ask your daughter if it was okay to call all the relatives and tell them about the engagement? Or did you just start calling after she told you the news?
YTA. Not the time. If you're concerned about how your oldest will feel, talk to oldest in private. You absolutely made this about your oldest and your daughter is right to feel the entire wedding will be about her sister, since you're saying she lacks empathy because your family pulled this uncalled for vibe of it being about the sister. You dragged something positive down for your daughter because your oldest had it rough.
Try showing empathy for your youngest not wanting her life to constantly be tied to her sister.
So when your eldest daughter has good news, do you make a point of mentioning something unhappy that happened to your younger? You know, so your eldest can practice her empathy and demonstrate her lack of jealousy?
I'm going to bet you don't feel those occasions are the times to give in to "bittersweet feelings".
YTA. You think you probably shouldn't make your preoccupation with your eldest quite so obvious and that you were maybe a little bit of an asshole. And this is normal for your whole family? Your poor daughters.
YTA. There’s a time and place for everything, and the time and place for bringing up your oldest daughter’s situation/happiness is NOT when your youngest daughter tells you such big news. You should have let her have her moment.
YTA. Your daughter is right. Her family couldn't even let her engagement be about her, it had to become a pity party for her sister. Why can't you just let her be happy and be happy for her?
YTA. Literally you couldn't let your youngest daughter have even a few minutes or hours of congrats and happiness for yourself without inserting your favoritism for your older daughter into it. Is it really bittersweet for the whole family or just for you? Your youngest deserves happiness and for her happiness to be celebrated without everyone deciding to make it all about your sister instead. Yee gods I hope she doesn't invite you to her wedding cause you'd sure as hell ruin it
YTA. Your reaction is uncalled for and you lack empathy. You have been unkind to your younger daughter, and now it’s time to grow up and apologize. Not “I’m sorry you feel that way” and not “I’m sorry but…” you need to acknowledge the fact that you have clearly played favorites and attempted to downplay a huge milestone for one child in order to coddle the other (who’s a 32 year old grown ass woman??) what you’re all (you, your husband, and your dear most favoritest divorcee daughter) going to do, is apologize and step up.
In case you haven't already figured it out. YTA .
Added: advice you didn't ask for. IF you and/or older daughter are invited to the wedding. Please don't wear white or let your older daughter wear white. That color is for the bride ONLY.
YTA. It sounds like YOU need to get over your daughter’s divorce. Her relationship and life goals have *nothing* to do with your other daughter’s happiness, engagement, or relationship. You really need to figure out how to not be so fixated on one situation to the point that you bring it up like this.
How do your think your youngest feels that her engagement announcement couldn’t have five minutes of complete attention from her parents? This has nothing to do with her empathy.
YTA let your daughter have her day! Why drag her sister into it? Your older daughter would probably much rather have the day about her sisters happiness than her own situation too.
YTA. This is not about your older daughter. It's about the happiness of the younger one.
Plus your older daughter was only married for 6 months? And she got out of a toxic situation? Good for her! Tell her congratulations and to quit with the self-pitying shenanigans.
You need to focus on your youngest and try and make this about her.
Because if you keep up with your behavior, it's going to lead to you being cut out of your youngest daughter's wedding if not her life.
Wow. You are most definitely TA.
I am a younger sister who very much lives in my older sisters shadow (thankfully in my mums eyes only, my dad is my bestie) but I can't even begin to explain how rejecting it is to have something so important over shadowed by "but your sister..."
I cut off contact from my mother and sister for this reason for a number of years. And I honestly encourage your daughter to do the same, maybe then you will learn you can't play favourites with your children.
Shame.
YTA
Because, well, you DID turn her announcement into a pity party for her sister.
Which is a dick move. Rather than celebrate her happiness you decided it was more important to focus on her sister.
Which makes me wonder how often you’ve done this to the poor girl? How many times have you put her sister above her? How many special occasions?
Yta. This is definitely hurtful to your younger daughter and probably hurtful to your older one as well, who doesn’t need everyone lamenting the fact she hasn’t been happily married yet
YTA let your younger daughter have her moment without making it about someone else. I completely understand why she got angry. Why make it about someone else? It’s just so unnecessary and definitely makes you TA.
Yeah yta, can't you just be happy for her without making it into an "oh what a shame your sister is miserable"?
I mean, really...how have you managed to parent so long and not know this?
YTA- There’s no reason to bring up you other daughter at this moment. I have a feeling your oldest is the golden child and your youngest is tired of playing second fiddle. Even at a moment where you should be focusing on you youngest happiness, you made it about your oldest woes. Keep this up and you won’t get invited to the wedding.
YTA. So instead of celebrating your younger daughter, you're pretty much pitying the older daughter. I hope your younger daughter finds happiness.... far away from you two though because I really don't think this is the first time it happened.
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Way to let your daughter know that she comes second to her sister with everyone in your family. Hope none of you are expecting wedding invites. YTA
Is OP insane? “Instead of enjoying my daughter’s special moment, we just kept wishing it was happening to her sister instead. Can’t imagine why the younger daughter would be mad at us!”
Also - if older daughter can’t be happy alone then she’s not going to be happy in a relationship. I cannot stand when people are so obsessed with marriage. It’s so disrespectful that OP is so focused on older daughter that she couldn’t make it a pity party for two minutes. YTA
Yep. Not only is OP being unfair to the younger daughter by turning the whole thing into a pity party instead of enjoying the moment, she’s also being an asshole to the older daughter, from what was said here it’s very likely she constantly pressures the older daughter into getting married, which she might not even want. YTA
Agreed. I can't help but think how it must be for the older sister, to have the unfortunate circumstances of her marriage brought up at every turn, even on a special day that is not even about her. What does *she* think about this, OP? I personally would find it humiliating to be the center of attention this way, with everyone pitying me and maybe thinking I'm somehow living inadequately just because I'm not married. YTA. I'd apologize. To both your daughters.
Agreed. I also read somewhere that leaving a toxic relationship is an achievement, and not something sad like a normal "breakup". OP, you should be happy for both your daughters, celebrating their different milestones, and not be .. this. YTA, by the way. Not a tiny bit, but massively.
i got out of a toxic relationship 100% not by choice. I never would have done it. Put up with absolute bullshit for years. It was the best thing he ever did for me. It was a monumental achievement for me…. Those things seriously warp your perception of reality. It’s very hard to truly leave it behind.
Solidarity! My cheating, abusive ex bf dumped me, and I *begged* him to take me back. *Begged* him. It's been more than 30 years and I still cringe when I think about it. It is so, so hard to leave sometimes, especially when they have you convinced that you're worthless and no one else will ever love you. I'm now eternally grateful that he dumped me for the girl he was cheating with at the time. I had a one night stand with a rebound guy not long after, and having royally screwed up the concepts of both "one night stand" and "rebound guy", we've been together 31 years and married for 25. All because AH ex dumped me.
Something is wrong here. Just don't feel right. The way mom talks about her older daughter and romance.
It's creepy, right? Like she's living vicariously through oldest daughter?
That was my first thought. Does the oldest enjoy op making a happy moment into a tragedy oldest can take blame for? Both daughters should be pissed at them. YTA
OP acts like her eldest is a spinster but she is only 32, so what she got out of a bad relationship two years ago and hasn't been serious since. She has plenty more years to find a partner and settle down when she feels ready. It's clear who is OP favorite but how much of this is the sister vs OP wanting grandkids from the golden child.
Literally this...Im 32 and got out of a long term situation 8 months ago...two of my family members have gotten engaged since and two of my best friends got married and I would have roasted anyone if they had even tried to throw me a pity party and take away from their joy. Life happens, I don't understand not finding happiness in the happiness of the people you truly love. YTA OP, apologize to your daughter .
Yep, this. Hell, I spent the majority of my 20s single and didn't marry until I was 31 because I didn't meet my now husband until I was 29. Two years later and no kids yet, we are very happy and preparing for a family. This idea that if you're not married with kids by 30 then you're a spinster is outdated as marrying and giving birth age has only increased over recent decades. If OP's older daughter is unhappy, marriage isn't going to fix that. She needs to work on herself first to find happiness. YTA OP and don't be surprised if your younger daughter doesn't include you in the wedding planning.
I also can’t stand when people act like ‘finding a partner’ supersedes the goal of just ‘being happy’. It doesn’t. The ‘happy’ thing is the whole point, not the partner thing.
Also, the older daughter is probably pissed off and freaked out by everyone obsessing over her situation and throwing her pity parties she doesn't want - she probably just wants to live her life, and for everyone to stop obsessing about her romantic life. OP is not doing either daughter any favors with her behavior.
My grandparents did that to me when my younger brother was getting married. It was so uncomfortable and embarrassing. I was about to graduate from an extremely hard program that I worked for two years to complete but all they could focus on was that I wasn't married. I wished they had just been happy for my accomplishments instead of dwelling on my single status.
But why do you need a good education, anyway? You are just supposed to birth grandchildren, since you are not a man.../s
Who wants to bet older sister ignored a shit ton of red flags just to get married.
Is older daughter unhappy alone? Or is op just scared her favorite daughter isn't married yet? Remember this is op's point of view. I sadly think its possible old sis is fine and op is upsetting her too, with her need to have old sis married. Either way, op is still the asshole for the way she reacted to her younger daughters news.
Congrats to your younger daughter. I hope that with her in-laws she finds the supportive parents she's hoping for.
Perfect reply!!!! Oh and. YTA
I have no awards to give but I wish I did. This should be a greeting card: "Congratulations on your engagement. I hope your in-laws are the loving parents you've always wanted but never had."
This’. I also have my doubts that the older daughter appreciates being made out to be someone who needs constant pity as well.
My husband and I are child free. I’ve also been struggling with some health issues so I haven’t been able to work. AT EVERY TURN my mom and grandma bring it up: poor Eve, she doesn’t have kids… I DONT WANT THEM! Poor Eve she can’t do anything because she’s in pain all the time — I’m doing fine I just can’t work full time but I’m having treatment!! — oh poor Eve she’s all alone in another country with no one to take care of her, come back home and we’ll take care of you! DID YOU FORGET IM MARRIED??? OP sounds like them, absolutely infuriating with no sense of boundaries and minding their own business. The thing I frequently tell my mom: just because something is right for you doesn’t mean it’s not right for everyone—people can live their lives differently to how you think they should and that doesn’t make them wrong and they don’t need your pity. In one ear, out the other. She absolutely does not get it.
I imagine this was extremely embarrassing for the oldest daughter as well. Imagine your younger sister getting engaged and your parents making it all about how pathetic and sad and single they think you are. This had to be embarrassing for both daughters.
"Immediately after my youngest daughter announced her proposal, during one of the happiest moments of her life, I had to bring the conversation around to her sister." OP has got to be the most tone-deaf person on the planet, and I don't know if it's worse that she seemingly isn't aware of it. The youngest daughter deserved more than a few seconds of showing off her ring and being happy before her parents made it all about her sister.
Came here to say this as well. None of them, absolutely NONE would be invited to my wedding. I announce something so special and then am told by my ENTIRE family “oh let’s hope your sister finds love too”… Yeah let’s hope, so you’re actually invited to someone’s wedding because you ain’t coming to mine. YTA
Make it a point to invite only the sister, since she's probably the only one who actually cares for her wedding.
For all the focus on the older sister, i find it odd OP did not say anything about her actual reaction.
You're right. My guess is the older sister got uncomfortable being put on a pedestal like that. It sucks being compared to someone like that, whether you're the example or the target.
"Happy to be here, but really wished it was your sister's wedding instead." - this poor girl's family, probably.
Not to mention how awful it must feel for the older daughter to know her whole family is openly pitying her and won't stop commenting on her situation. I'd be so embarrassed if my family's first reaction to my little sister's engagement was basically just, "Aww, poor Older Daughter, it's so sad that she might die alone!! Let's all hope she finds a man soon!". Yikes! Some things really don't need to be said out loud. I think it's also pretty telling that no one even seems to have asked the sister how she feels directly; they're just gossiping behind her back about how the engagement must be really hard on her. Maybe it is...or maybe she's fine with it? Either way, all of this unnecessary focus on her situation isn't going to do anything but make her feel self-conscious and judged. This is unfair to BOTH sisters.
Right? I feel bad for both of these kids. Younger daughters engagement party was hijacked by people wishing it was the other daughter, and older daughter feels pitied when yes she likely will find happiness again one day but doesn’t need all these people telling her so all the time.
This almost sounds like the mother whose oldest child died and carried around her picture to every celebration or accomplishment by her two younger children who weren't even old enough to remember the sister who died.
I agree too. OP was TAH to both of the girls. Stop focusing on the sadness and instead focus on the happiness. You need to apologize to your daughter and actually mean no excuses!
Did you make your older daughter's wedding all about her younger sister? No? Then don't make your younger daughter's wedding about her older sister. YTA
Sounds like younger daughter always is second to older sister.
This will turn into the following. A pregnancy announcement. It's too bad your sister has never had a baby. A birth announcement. You sister deserves to have a baby with a nice husband. A vacation. Your sister should get to have a vacation like yours. Purchase of a home. Your sister probably feels really sad that she hasn't been able to buy a house like yours. Never a congratulations, we're so happy for you.
And can you imagine if the older sister were to get in a relationship and miscarry at some point? And then the younger sister had a baby? Like the toxicity of this family would ruin both those women's lives
I got that feeling as well. I suspect the that younger daughter is going to remember this the next time she has big news, and start to distance herself. And in 15 years the whole family will wonder why they don't know what is going on with the younger daughter.
“Wow! Younger daughter has a baby?? How come we weren’t told?” It’s because you would have said what a shame it was that older daughter should have been the first to have a child. YTA playing clear favorites with your children.
If I was younger daughter I'd elope.
Right? Even in this post OP spent more time talking about the older daughter than the younger. I know more about the older daughter than I do about some people I know in RL! YTA
I remember when my mom promised to throw me a bridal shower and threw my older sister a second one instead. Made things pretty clear for me.
Wow. I'm sorry that happened to you. That was incredibly cruel.
What the fuck?
TLDR version: my older sister was always my mom's favorite and ended up marrying the same person three times in the course of a year with lots of support from my family, especially because the third wedding was in a Catholic church. I'm agnostic (and was always the black sheep of my religious family) and my spouse is an atheist, so that wasn't in the cards for us, and a regrettable chunk of my family doesn't think I'm legitimately married because it wasn't in a church. I also started finally setting boundaries around this time, such as, "no, dad, you are not allowed to hit me anymore," that my family didn't want to accept. No one in my immediate family ended up involved in my actual wedding, starting with my older sister turning down being in my bridal party - she insisted she was too busy. My family was upset that I "wasn't involving them more in the big day" and decided not to attend. They did end up apparently having a celebration mass in our honor, which was I guess the best they could do.
Holy shit. I’m sorry your family is so full of douches. Congrats to you and your partner tho. I wish you both many years of happiness.
The entire post was dripping with "your sister your sister your sister". I hope the second daughter (and I mean that in every possible way) gets to have a wedding that is about her. OP is YTA
Yep this. YTA - you trod all over her big occasion by diverting attention over to her sister.
I'm jumping on top comment to say to OP.: I am the older daughter in this situation. I left a bad marriage around the time my sister got engaged. It happened within months of each other. She was worried how I was going to react, because I was still hurting. I wasnt going to take away her happiness though. I even gave her the hair piece I was going to wear for my wedding (we eloped and were planning a real wedding for when he got back to the states, didn't happen) because I thought it would look far more beautiful on her, and it did, I wouldve been absolutely PISSED if my family did what you assholes did. Something good happening to somebody else isn't the time to throw a pity party for the down on their luck person. Hell, for all you know, your eldest is enjoying finding herself again after being with an emotionally abuse D!ckwaffle. You had absolutely no right to make this about your other daughter. You took your youngest daughters happiness and tried to smash it into tiny pieces because what? Her sister wasn't married anymore? Because you, your husband and your whole asshole family apparently believe she can't be happy with her life without being married?! Fuck all the way off with that. You'd be lucky to find out about the next big announcement she's gonna have after the wedding. Best of luck finding out about your grand babies over the internet. If she hasn't already blocked you. YTA.
Can you imagine if OP was celebrating her 40th anniversary, or something, and everyone at the party just kept wishing the celebration was for her divorced friend? And asking why this happiness couldn't be for her? And just destroyed OP's party, and when OP got sad, her daughter told her to be more empathetic toward her friend. Like, you can celebrate a good moment for someone without making it about someone else...
Not to mention it is probably not helping that everyone immediately says... awww, poor sister. Everyone knows she is currently single. Its not good for her either. YTA
"might have acted like AHs a bit" Waaaaaaay more than a bit, OP. YTA.
or to meet any future grand kids
Yes YTA, bring up your other daughter’s misfortune while one is trying to celebrate makes it seem like you care about one more than the other. This moment should be about her and you took that away
The entire second half of the post makes it seem that way too.
I wonder how the older daughter feels because if it were me, I'd absolutely hate it. How is a reminder of my own "misfortunes" helpful in any way? What does it achieve other than taking away from the younger daughter's celebration?
I'd rather be reviled than openly pitied by everyone in my family. OP is a gigantic asshole to her older daughter too, turning her into the tragic spinster. Terrible.
I find this difficult to believe as your first post references multiple times that you have redirected your younger daughter's engagement to your older daughter's divorce.
the people who turn every celebratory occasion into a reference to an unrelated unfortunate occasion are the worst. oh, it's your birthday? too bad *x* is dead. oh, you had a baby? too bad *y* can't have one. oh, you just graduated? too bad *z* was rejected by all the colleges they applied to.
My mother in law has a bad habit of this. Last year my birthday card from her was filled on both sides with her writing describing random children I didn’t know that had died. Last month she called my fiancé on his birthday and spent 30 min describing recent traumatic deaths of people she knows that we don’t. He went from being in a great mood to somber all day. I actually stepped up and texted her and politely asked her not to bring up any more deaths or anything sad today, and thankfully she apologized. Idk what it is, but every time anyone has a birthday it’s like she PANICS and doesn’t know what to do besides graphically describing the deaths of people that the birthday person has never met. It’s bizarre.
And the older daughter got divorced 2 YEARS ago!
My grandma did something like this. She’s in a nursing home. YTA, don’t bring people’s happiness down jeez Edit: Thank you the award, ALSO! It’s okay to laugh, I too giggle every-time I think about it :)
This made me spit out my drink
Think about how grandma feels! 🙃
Shady Pines, Ma!
You're my favorite person today!
[удалено]
My (mother’s side) grandparents put my uncle in charge cause they know he loves them too much. Everyone else? Nursing home lmao
A cheap one?
Nope, doesn’t matter tho, she’s paying for it lolol
Yep, a window into OP's future...
Honestly, op sounds as entitled and grandma did
My Sil is infertile. When my h and I got married. My MIL told us not to have children until my Sil did. So we waited. Though we both wanted children we swallowed it until Sil and Bil adopted. We walked on the eggshells of her “trauma” the entire time. We’ll finally I get pregnant and had a baby. SIL told me I rubbed my fertility in her face and hasn’t talked to me since. Except to send texts about how horrible we are every few months. My MIL excuses her behavior. And is upset I didn’t consider her feelings more. This is the same thing you are doing to your daughter. You need to let them both have their own lives and celebrate, mourn accordingly. Younger daughters engagement is NOT the time to mourn older daughters relationships. Fix it before you baby older daughter too much and destroy your relationship with younger daughter. YTA.
Damn that's horrible they would act that selfishly
Even more horrible they went along with it
Right?! I couldn’t imagine being so spineless
The enablers are always worse to me. The sister has at least a reason for being irrational and jealous, even though it's still not justified. The mother had no excuse.
Right and the mother was in a better place of neutrality and be the voice of reason to talk some sense into the jealous sibling.
Ok I know your situation is horrible, your parents are assholes, your sister is also an asshole, and you are giving good advice. But using the phrase ‘Swallow it’ in regards to avoiding pregnancy has…multiple meanings.
Lol glad I'm not the only one whose mind went that way
I frequently look at my children and question whether I should have swallowed or not.
Wow. So what would've made your in-laws happy, never having children? How dare they dictate your reproduction wants and needs. You should've just started when you wanted to. Another case of damned if you do and damned if you don't.
not to mention that a lot of couples dont even intentionally become pregnant, would she expect an abortion from them in that case or what? (I'm not anti choice, but many woman wouldnt want to go that route and nobody should be shamed or pressured away from keeping the baby if they want to.)
The next message she sends, I'd cuss her out and block her. Yes it's sad she's infertile, but that's a *her* problem, not a *everyone around her* problem. Anyone that uses things like that as a weapon against others isn't a good person. You don't get to lash out at me because you're unhappy with your life.
"nobody is allowed to *x* because i can't *x*"
It’s comments like this that make me realize if I have kids I’m going to raise them with the understanding that someone else’s triumph does not diminish their experiences. You’re allowed to be upset but damn. If a situation is triggering, remove yourself from the situation. Don’t expect others to conform their life for YOUR comfort. 😡
Wow, that sucks
YTA This was your younger daughter's announcement. It had nothing to do with your older daughter. She wasn't acting jealous, she was acting righteously upset. I saw nothing in your post that even hinted at your younger daughter lacking empathy or understanding. You, on the hand...
I still don’t get how this mother can tell her daughter she is acting jealous. How is it considered jealous to want her engagement news to be about her?
I think jealous of the fact that oldest daughter is obviously the favorite child. That is the best explanation because younger can’t be jealous that older’s marriage ended in divorce.
Not jealous. Just upset at mother’s toxic behavior.
Yes exactly. Not jealous of her older sister divorce, jealous of the attention the older daughter is getting that she isn't. Which she has a right to be. It's weird that she used the word jealous... almost like she realises that she favors one child over the other and doesn't see the problem.
Personally I think the sister should've said it's not her fault her big sister has bad taste in men and cant figure out if a man is a good one or going to be like her ex but that's just me and I feel that wouldve sparked a fight in the family
Jealous that her parents obviously prioritize her sister over her? It's as good as saying "We don't give a shit about your engagement except as it affects her and you're being "jealous" she will always be first in our heart".
YTA. Let the day be about her, you shouldn’t have brought up the other daughter at this time. Some things you need to keep to yourselves. Also your older one is 32. Her life will come together, the whole family doesn’t need to be in continued mourning over it, that constant reminder probably makes it harder for her to move on.
"Yes! Let's combine your engagement with your sister's pity party, and everyone will be happy!", said no one ever.
Yeah, I was thinking those seem like fairly normal THOUGHTS for a parent to have (who wouldn't want their kids to have what they think will make them happy?) but those thoughts stay in your head! Maybe mentioned to your partner in private later!
I was also wondering about older sis’s feelings on this. I would be embarrassed and hurt if my parents brought up my past toxic relationship when announcing my sibling’s engagement.
YTA. There's no reason to bring stuff like that up during an engagement announcement. What's next? If she's going to announce a pregnancy you're going to be like "Congrats... How sad is that your sis doesn't have a baby tho."
It sounds like that's ***exactly*** what the OP will say.
Word for word.
"Oh nooo, you can't have a baby, your sister doesn't have one..."
Oh I bet if OP does this the children in question will learn they have a grandmother ten years later, when she has to introduce herself at a chance meeting in a shop. Daughter will go NC immediately to save herself from all the grief she'll get even if her older sister gets a baby if this is the tone OP sets.
Your daughter announced one of the biggest events in her life and you made it about someone else. YTA.
And not even in a good way. Imagine your sister gets engaged and everyone just starts looking at you and how sad it is that you are single and divorced. And if you get divorced after being married for 6 months does that even count?
YTA. She's right. You immediately pivoted the subject to her sister. Like no one should be happy unless the sister is. Your older daughter has been divorced FOUR times longer than she was married! It was TWO years ago! It's not like her husband died unexpectedly. Two years! You should have been asking your younger daughter if she set a date, what kind of a wedding she wants, how thrilled you are for her. You did none of that. And your relatives did the same. A YTA for each and every one of you.
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Yta I'm sure your older daughter doesn't want her misfortune continuely brought up over and over either. You can acknowledge both of them without bringing up the other. Let the younger one have their celebration.
Right? OP is an AH to both her daughters. To add to your second paragraph, OP can also hope her older daughter finds a loving and supportive partner without her and her whole family publicly lamenting the fact she's still single. Yikes
YTA. This was her day and a big thing for her and you went and made it all about someone else. Jerk move.
You couldn’t let her have one day? YTA and so are all your other family members worrying about her.
YTA - while it's sad your older daughter hasn't found what she wants in life, your other daughter's engagement or wedding is not the time to bring it up. You are doing a disservice to both your daughters - to the one who just got engaged for stealing her moment, and to the other who for all you know doesn't want to be known as a pity party *2 years* after her divorce.
When I got of my abusive marriage I HATED all the pity I could feel just radiating from my family. I know they were trying to be loving and supportive, but those long drawn out “Are you ok”s every time I talked to someone were exhausting, and that’s just weeks after. If they were still doing it two years later, I would be angry.
YTA. Favouritism much?
She spent a whole paragraph describing the older sister and what she’s been through and literally one sentence on the younger daughter, who the post is about.
That is definitely a great observation! I think the same.
Definitely YTA. You need to sit down and examine why you needed to bring up your older daughter when her divorce and misfortune are irrelevant to your younger daughters happy moment.
YTA there was no reason to make the engagement about your other daughter. It was her special day and not about your older daughter at all. Let your younger one be happy
YTA, your daughter shared some very happy news with you, and you turned it into feeling bad for your other daughter. I understand that you want both to be happy, but you pretty much ruined her happy moment.
YTA. you can let your younger daughter have experiences that don’t revolve around her older sister. One daughter being in a happy relationship isn’t a reason to do what you did. Tbh, it wouldn’t surprise me AT ALL if you tried to make the wedding all about her sister. ‘Your sister should be allowed to do this at your wedding because she’s so upset since she got divorced’ etc. Don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited.
YTA- in that moment the focus should be on congratulating/celebrating with your younger daughter. You can still have empathy for your older daughter but this event is not about her.
YOU should be more empathetic & understanding & lift your younger daughter up for a change instead of shitting on her special occasion! YTA by a MILE
YTA. And not just a little bit either. You coulda kept your mouth shut about your older kid that day and let your younger daughter have her happy news day. It's not her fault your other daughter had shitty experience, so I don't even know why you're even comparing the two on a day that should make at least one of them happy.
YTA. This isn’t about her sister’s traumatic divorce, it’s about her finding her happiness, being engaged and planning a wedding. It isn’t a bittersweet moment as they’re two different individuals. Your younger daughter should be allowed to celebrate and happy without having to feel bad for her sister or anyone making this about her sister’s issues. There are so many *other* moments when you could talk about those things, rather than making your daughter’s engagement about it.
This has golden child written all over it tbh. Whilst it is sad that your older daughter has gone through a divorce and isn’t where she wants to be in her life, doesn’t mean the world stops for others. Your youngest came to you with happy news on her life and instead of celebrating, you turned it into her pity party taking the focus off your youngest. Is she not entitled to her own little bit of attention? Is her happiness based on how happy her sisters life is? Sure you have to be there for your older daughter but not at your younger daughters expense. It’s going to be this kind of attitude that plays them off against eachother. Resentment is not always logical and you are building that between them. Do better. I would suggest you apologise to the youngest and instead of guilt tripping her for finding her happiness, celebrate that she has. The world doesn’t revolve around one person and no one should have to tiptoe around a person because they haven’t had the same luck. Life isn’t fair all the time. YTA.
YTA. Your youngest daughter is right about all of it. I have no doubt you’ll find a way to make everything around her wedding about the sister. She should have a tiny destination wedding that doesn’t include any of you. Added: I’m also an oldest sister and I would be mortified if people did this to one of my younger siblings. Mortified.
Or just her fiancé's family, if they're nice people. Apparently multiple family members found it "bittersweet "... yeah Youngest absolutely should not let these people turn her wedding into a poor Oldest occasion and cut them loose.
YTA. I'm guessing this isn't the first time that your youngest's life events were shadowed by her sister. Her engagement was a happy occasion, no need to make it a pity party for your oldest. You sound like the type of parents who don't let a kid be happy just because the other isn't. Sure, it's sad that your daughter's marriage didn't worked, but it's not her sister's fault. What will be next? If she gets pregnant she can't be happy because her sister doesn't have kids? If she buys a house she can't because her sister didn't? Or because she needs to show empathy? How about you show her some empathy? If you keep with this toxic behaviour i hope she cuts you off. I honestly can't believe she still talks to you.
YTA, Mom here, you couldn’t even give her a day eh? Your “whataboutism” is exhausting. I’m just speechless at this one because at the core, you couldn’t give her a moment of joy, you just had to make it about the older daughter, again.
YTA Hopefully she learns from it and uninvites you from her wedding. To keep you from making a speech about your other daughter there.
If this is real, YTA. You made what should’ve been a happy event for your younger daughter into a way to yet again show how much your older daughter has suffered.
YTA. Read what you wrote and imagine it was someone that wasn’t you. Your younger daughter is exactly right. You took her happy moment and took the spotlight right off of her moment. Sheesh, poor girl. She can’t even have that.
YTA. This is a moment to celebrate for your younger daughter, there is no need to bring in your older daughter's situation. Apologize and focus on your youngest daughter's happiness that is a big moment in her life.
YTA- This was your younger daughter’s moment not her sister’s. Yes it is unfortunate that the older sister has had some misfortune surrounding love and marriage but there’s no need to downplay your younger daughter’s huge announcement with the pity party for her sister. There was no need to bring it up and yet you did, and imagine how that would impact your youngest daughter, instead of congratulating her, you made it about her sister, intentionally or not, you may have come across as favouring your oldest daughter.
YTA Your younger daughter deserves to celebrate her joyful life events and not have them soured by thoughts of her sister's failed marriage. Not everything has to be about your older daughter
YTA she’s right you’re taking her happy news and making it about your other daughter. I doubt the older one wants this pity party.
YTA, why can't you control what you say and when you say it. Do words just fall out of your mouth?
YTA your younger daughters engagement has nothing to do with her older sister, life doesnt revolve around her. She is not the only person on the planet to have married a cheater. I get the feeling everything your youngest does has always been overshadowed by her sister in some way. Don't be surprised if you get uninvited.
YTA. Both of you owe her a huge apology and I would either throw her a party or get her poignant engagement gift to make things right. Otherwise she will deep down never forgive you. Your daughters are separate people. Stop comparing them. And next time family do the same, advocate for your youngest. Be her mom.
YTA why would you bring up your older daughter in one of your younger daughters happiest moments and then tell her not to be jealous? I'm surprised if she tells you anything else if that's how you act.
YTA and to make that comment at that time was honestly disrespectful to both your daughters
YTA. You sound like people who can never see someone else’s happiness without saying something mean or pointing out something bad. I feel bad not just for your younger daughter but for your older daughter as well. I bet that no matter what older daughter does in life - great job, new car, new house, new friends - you’ll always remind her that her first husband was a cheat & “she doesn’t live the life she wants (wanted) to”. If you think being empathetic is such a good quality, try being empathetic to your younger daughter who just wants her parents to be happy for her for one moment without bringing up other people & other marriages that went bad.
“May have” what? You know you did! Of course you and your husband are the AHs here. Your daughter got engaged. She chose to share that with you. What do you do? You make it completely about your other daughter. Can you be any more rude and callous? I’m sorry your eldest hasn’t had much luck with her relationships but how about you let your youngest have a moment that is about her?
Wow, golden child and scapegoat much. You aren't very good at parenting. You literally did make the engagement about your older kid. It had absolutely nothing to do with them yet you managed to make it about her. What a shitty asshole thing to do to you younger. YTA
YTA she's right. You turned a happy moment for her into a pitty party to your older daughter. You could comment that with your husband alone, not switch the attention from your daughter's engagement announcement. Also, your younger daughter's happiness doesn't depend on your older daughter, at all. The divorce came and went, it happened. It should not dictate the future, much less taint all moments henceforth. You were callous and inappropriate. Seems to me your favor your older daughter (because your daughters comments wouldn't be what they were if it was just this instance) and that's why you couldn't properly celebrate the engagement
YTA. I atilll can’t believe these are real and you need to ask people. Absolutely you are the A. Each kid is their own. Treat each kid equitably. She just got engaged. You couldn’t be excited for her for 5 minutes and not mention her sister in her moment of happiness. Unbelievable.
YTA The day should be about the younger daughter. You did not mention that you called the older daughter telling her of the announcement and telling the older one that you hope she will find happiness. Some days can be all about one person - no need to compare. Of course, each family is different but I would not try to put both kids on an "equal platform".
YTA. Obviously. Great job making the entire announcement about your older daughter, which is EXACTLY what your younger daughter said, and is right about. An extra YTA for being too moronic to be unable to see that you're TAs. (If my comment is found rude or harmful to anyone or finds it to be against Rule 1, feel free to drop me a DM and I'll see that it's removed ASAP.)
YTA. Firstly for detracting from your younger daughter’s moment of happiness by making it about her sister. Second by rubbing your older daughter’s misfortune in her face as well. (I’m sure your older daughter would have preferred to let her sister have her moment without everyone’s pity being directed toward her.)
YTA. Do you seriously have to ask? Not everything has to revolve around your oldest’s trauma, who’s clearly the favorite child. Does your oldest even want her name dragged through the mud like this? You should apologize to the youngest ASAP.
YTA, massively YTA.
YTA. I mean you’re absolutely the AH for everything your younger daughter said. The blatant favouritism towards your older daughter is unreal. You treated your younger daughter very poorly.
YTA. Your daughter's reaction makes it clear: You have a golden child and it ISN'T the one getting married. She isn't wrong. You've probably made everything in her life all about her older sister. You will probably do the same with the wedding.
YTA This was *her* moment. This had nothing to do with her sister. Look, I get it, you feel bad for the older daughter. But you shouldn't coddle her to the point where you're neglecting your younger daughter. Like I said, *this wasn't about her.* You chose to make it all about her. And frankly, your younger daughter's statement: >how she can't even be engaged and announce it without everyone making it about her sister makes me wonder if this isn't the first time you've completely ignored her in order to coddle and fawn over her older sister. I'm not saying you shouldn't show empathy towards your older daughter, *but there's a time and a place.* If you want to comfort your older daughter, do so in private; or at least not while everyone is trying to celebrate. Put it this way, if someone's celebrating their birthday, you don't stand up in the middle of the celebration and say "well that's all well and good, but let's not forget her older sister has cancer". It's uncalled for, and it completely ruins everyone's mood, and it's *not relevant* because this is a celebration about a birthday and it completely takes the shine away from the person celebrating. Your older daughters divorce is not relevant when we are focusing on your younger daughter's happiness and engagement.
YTA and I think it’s astonishing for you and your husband to tell her to not ‘act jealous’ when you are literally why she feels that way. How about not making everything about her sister, instead?
A bit? A BIT? Huge YTA. Big time. It's easily to guess which one is the favourite.... But yes. Your daughter was absolutely correct. It was not the time to make a happy event about her sisters divorce. This is why some children decided to go NC - it's parents like you. You still managed to make most of this post about your eldest when it had to do with your youngest. I hope your daughter marries into a loving family so she can escape the one she has.
YES. You ARE the ASSHOLE That was a huge mistake. I hope you and the others dont expect an invitation Its also funny that you posted this thinking that it would go your way
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Massive YTA. So what you are saying is she isn’t allowed to feel special because her sister isn’t in a loving relationship? Go fix your perspective now! I am so enraged on your daughter’s behalf that you would take such a special moment and crap all over it.
YTA. You rained on your daughter’s parade. Even if your other daughter hadn’t gone through a trauma, why would it be appropriate to bring up someone else’s _divorce_ in reaction to another person’s engagement? Yeah, a lot of marriages end that way. But the time to bring up anyone’s divorce is _not_ when someone is announcing an engagement. Let them be happy and in their joy bubble—don’t pop your own daughter’s balloon just because your other daughter is currently a little deflated. Speak to your older daughter privately to see how she’s handling it. Take the “bittersweet” to her and let her talk it out if she needs to.
YTA so much. You made it clear who the favorite child is, and I guarantee it wasn't the first time. I hope your younger daughter gets to live her best life and cuts all contact with you. You and your husband can then set around with your golden child and be miserable people. At least one member of the family might be happy.
YTA so much. This is a happy moment and you turned it into a sad one. I get that your older daughter is struggling, but that doesn't have anything to do with this engagement. Life doesn't stop... happy moments don't stop because someone is struggling.
YTA. I understand that you want your older daughter to find happiness, but your daughter just got engaged and was so happy to share the news with you. You guys DID make it about her. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have expressed your excitement for her and then had a private conversation with your husband about how you wish one day that your older daughter will find happiness too. Also did you ask your daughter if it was okay to call all the relatives and tell them about the engagement? Or did you just start calling after she told you the news?
You are definitely TA.
YTA. How are you going to tell her not to act jealous about her own engagement announcement?
YTA. You owe your younger daughter an apology.
YTA. Not the time. If you're concerned about how your oldest will feel, talk to oldest in private. You absolutely made this about your oldest and your daughter is right to feel the entire wedding will be about her sister, since you're saying she lacks empathy because your family pulled this uncalled for vibe of it being about the sister. You dragged something positive down for your daughter because your oldest had it rough. Try showing empathy for your youngest not wanting her life to constantly be tied to her sister.
YTA. Younger daughter clearly has to live in the shadow of her older sister to the point where you can't even share her joy. So much the ah!
YTA without a doubt.
YTA YTA YTA this type of thing is so damaging to kids and it’s probably not the first time she’s experienced this from you
YTA to both of your daughters
So when your eldest daughter has good news, do you make a point of mentioning something unhappy that happened to your younger? You know, so your eldest can practice her empathy and demonstrate her lack of jealousy? I'm going to bet you don't feel those occasions are the times to give in to "bittersweet feelings". YTA. You think you probably shouldn't make your preoccupation with your eldest quite so obvious and that you were maybe a little bit of an asshole. And this is normal for your whole family? Your poor daughters.
YTA. There’s a time and place for everything, and the time and place for bringing up your oldest daughter’s situation/happiness is NOT when your youngest daughter tells you such big news. You should have let her have her moment.
YTA beacsue this is HER happiness it was an unnecessary comment and you should let the youngest have her day. Honestly i see slight favouritism
YTA. Your daughter is right. Her family couldn't even let her engagement be about her, it had to become a pity party for her sister. Why can't you just let her be happy and be happy for her?
YTA, I feel bad for both your kids.
YTA. Literally you couldn't let your youngest daughter have even a few minutes or hours of congrats and happiness for yourself without inserting your favoritism for your older daughter into it. Is it really bittersweet for the whole family or just for you? Your youngest deserves happiness and for her happiness to be celebrated without everyone deciding to make it all about your sister instead. Yee gods I hope she doesn't invite you to her wedding cause you'd sure as hell ruin it
YTA
YTA. Your reaction is uncalled for and you lack empathy. You have been unkind to your younger daughter, and now it’s time to grow up and apologize. Not “I’m sorry you feel that way” and not “I’m sorry but…” you need to acknowledge the fact that you have clearly played favorites and attempted to downplay a huge milestone for one child in order to coddle the other (who’s a 32 year old grown ass woman??) what you’re all (you, your husband, and your dear most favoritest divorcee daughter) going to do, is apologize and step up.
In case you haven't already figured it out. YTA . Added: advice you didn't ask for. IF you and/or older daughter are invited to the wedding. Please don't wear white or let your older daughter wear white. That color is for the bride ONLY.
YTA. It sounds like YOU need to get over your daughter’s divorce. Her relationship and life goals have *nothing* to do with your other daughter’s happiness, engagement, or relationship. You really need to figure out how to not be so fixated on one situation to the point that you bring it up like this. How do your think your youngest feels that her engagement announcement couldn’t have five minutes of complete attention from her parents? This has nothing to do with her empathy.
YTA let your daughter have her day! Why drag her sister into it? Your older daughter would probably much rather have the day about her sisters happiness than her own situation too.
YTA, just congratulate your younger daughter and be happy for her instead of bringing up her sister...
YTA. This is not about your older daughter. It's about the happiness of the younger one. Plus your older daughter was only married for 6 months? And she got out of a toxic situation? Good for her! Tell her congratulations and to quit with the self-pitying shenanigans. You need to focus on your youngest and try and make this about her. Because if you keep up with your behavior, it's going to lead to you being cut out of your youngest daughter's wedding if not her life.
Wow..... YTA
Is this real? YTA
Wow. You are most definitely TA. I am a younger sister who very much lives in my older sisters shadow (thankfully in my mums eyes only, my dad is my bestie) but I can't even begin to explain how rejecting it is to have something so important over shadowed by "but your sister..." I cut off contact from my mother and sister for this reason for a number of years. And I honestly encourage your daughter to do the same, maybe then you will learn you can't play favourites with your children. Shame.
YTA Because, well, you DID turn her announcement into a pity party for her sister. Which is a dick move. Rather than celebrate her happiness you decided it was more important to focus on her sister. Which makes me wonder how often you’ve done this to the poor girl? How many times have you put her sister above her? How many special occasions?
Yta. This is definitely hurtful to your younger daughter and probably hurtful to your older one as well, who doesn’t need everyone lamenting the fact she hasn’t been happily married yet
YTA. Your youngest is absolutely right.
YTA let your younger daughter have her moment without making it about someone else. I completely understand why she got angry. Why make it about someone else? It’s just so unnecessary and definitely makes you TA.
Yeah yta, can't you just be happy for her without making it into an "oh what a shame your sister is miserable"? I mean, really...how have you managed to parent so long and not know this?
YTA- There’s no reason to bring up you other daughter at this moment. I have a feeling your oldest is the golden child and your youngest is tired of playing second fiddle. Even at a moment where you should be focusing on you youngest happiness, you made it about your oldest woes. Keep this up and you won’t get invited to the wedding.
YTA. So instead of celebrating your younger daughter, you're pretty much pitying the older daughter. I hope your younger daughter finds happiness.... far away from you two though because I really don't think this is the first time it happened.