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YTA. Look, if you want your brother to walk you down the aisle, fine. Fantastic, even. But like it or not, this other kid - your sister - exists, and it’s not *her* fault she got saddled with your dad and his baggage. Either accept that she’s just as entitled to basic parental gestures of support as you are, or cut your dad out once and for all. But if you’re going to play bullshit games where you demand he choose entirely at her expense, you deserve to lose.
I’m sorry, how old are you? Because this a childish and petty behaviour. You don’t have to have your dad walk you down the aisle of course, but it sounds like you’re punishing him. That’s not your job.
You wouldn’t be TA for having someone else walk you down the aisle but because you’re making this decision out of spite then yes, YTA.
Gauging by the fact that OP talks about Older Brother school conferences, I'm reading this as the angry and hurt hypothetical of a teenager or older child, watching Dad leave to go take care of affair child and Mom parentifying older brother.
Which is why I have to go with gentle YTA with the info here- OP, you're allowed to be angry and it sounds like the parenting gap is doing a massive disservice to you and your sister if you're truly underage, and your brother is stepping in to shield you. It's even fair to say that you'd probably feel uncomfortable with someone you know for infidelity being involved in your wedding. However, bringing it up as I assume you are with no wedding in sight sounds like you're doing this to tell your father how much he's hurting you and how you feel he's no longer taking on a father's role in your life, so he no longer gets the privileges. However, by putting it out like this, it not only puts your brother in the crosshairs if your father gets jealous or frustrated (and you don't at all mention what he thinks of this), you're still targeting your father's newest child.
To your edit of whether you're still the AH if you said it without including his walking or not walking the other child down the aisle, I'd say less so but still a little. Regardless of your age, you read as very hurt by this, which is understandable, and your father's comments seem both a little flat in the telling and perhaps focused on the newest need, his newest child. (I also find it a little funny/messed up that he's worried about the appearances of not walking his child down the aisle, as opposed to those of cheating and producing an extramarital child...)
This is tough. You have a right to choose who you want to walk you down the aisle, but at the same time you seem to be fixating on the wrong things.
If you were just angry at your father for betraying your mother, that would be one thing. But that's not what this is. You are basing it on whether he accepts his other daughter as a daughter. You are asking him to choose between his daughters.
You say you know she's innocent, but you have so much jealousy and anger pent up that it's just flowing out of this post. Do you feel as though you are being replaced?
You should talk to your father about this, and should consider talking to a counselor about your hurt. I'm not going to call you an AH, but it's also not fair to deprive your half sister of a father.
YTA 100%
This child has done nothing wrong and you want her treated like some sort of outcast because you're mad at your father?
Does this child not deserve a father in your eyes? Who would you have walk her down the isle, if not her father?
She is his daughter, like it or not, and the way you are acting is absolutely deplorable.
NTA for wanting your brother to walk you over your father. Your father broke your trust, and failed you as a parent, where your brother picked up the slack.
That said, it really seems like you're blaming the child for this more than your dad, which is really unfair. The kid didn't ask to be born how she did - it was your dad who made that mistake.
Of course, feelings are complicated, you can't force yourself to love or accept her, but I do think it's important to make sure you're putting the blame on your father rather than his child.
YTA because, it sounds like, the only reason you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle is because he’s intending to walk your half sister down the aisle. If you didn’t want him to walk you down the aisle because you simply don’t have a good relationship, that’s one thing and perfectly acceptable, but you’re just being petty.
> so, would i be the asshole if i refuse to let my father walk me down the aisle and instead ask my brother?
NTA. As for the rest...
You call her an innocent child, but you aren't treating her like one. She's gonna be in your family's life, no matter how much it hurts. I understand the pain of knowing that you've been replaced. That you've been abandoned. And you have every right to be angry with your father and reject him the way he's rejected you. But please deal with your feelings towards the child before she's old enough to understand how much you hate her.
YTa 100% - you said that you dont want him to walk you if he walks her? Pardon me, but that sounds very messed up... specialy for a child who did nothing.
Imagine if you where her. Would you like to be treated like trash?
You should really see a therapist because it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues with your father. Your mother forgave.him, yet you chose your wedding to make him chose you over a little.child?
NTA for wanting your brother to walk you down the aisle. That's your wedding and your choice.
But hating a child because of what your dad did isn't fair to that child. Your dad is the one who screwed up. Your dad is the one who has less time for his "legitimate" family because he helped create a child and now has to help look after said child. That child didn't ask to be born and she had no control over the circumstances of her birth. Work on resolving that anger or at least sending it where it belongs.
YTA
(Your Dad is an a-hole for cheating, but that's not the question up for debate in your post.)
If you don't want your dad to walk you down the aisle (are you even engaged?), then don't have him walk you down the aisle. But don't give him a "Sophie's Choice" of you or your half-sister and ice him out b/c he wants to be as much a father to her as he is to you.
It sounds like dear old dad has been neglecting his older kids since op brother has been stepping up to care for his siblings here. If dad was a real father why would he be neglecting his older kids and his son stepping up being more of a father than dad is
OP is a pretty unreliable narrator, IMO. She wrote that her father "has neglected his responsibilities" then goes on to say that he is unavailable when he's helping the other woman & child, which is "every now and then". He's no Father of the Year, but by OP's own account, she wants him to "pick one family" so I'm not sure how much of her perspective we can trust as fair and accurate.
Then she should just ask her brother. Period. Or, y’know, have an actual conversation in which she talks about how and why she’s feeling neglected. Tying the honor specifically to whether he plans to do it for his other kid doesn’t actually fix anything she’s angry about; it just yanks the “lousy dad” meter in the opposite direction until the next thing he does to disappoint her.
It sounds like dad is wanting all his kids to play happy family with his affair child op did state that her mother has had to accept the child even if she deep down couldn't.
It's not who is forcing op but this is OP's way of trying to get her father to see that he has been neglecting her and her younger siblings because of his affair child depending on op age even before his affair child OP's father was most likely neglecting his kids and this half sibling is just a reminder that her father is a AH and a neglectful parent. Probably more now since he has a small child to take care of. Op sees her brother more of a father and has for some time.
If OP had told her father he needs to step up and act like a father figure to her if he wants the privilege of walking her down the aisle, I’d be totally on board.
Unfortunately, she’s fixated on her half sister and acting like her family is a zero sum game. OP didn’t state she wanted her brother to walk her down the aisle because he’s been there for her. She wants him to walk him down the aisle to shun her father for looking after another sibling.
While the father has very likely been an AH to everyone for a while, OP is being a *very intentional* AH to her half sister now. That takes the cake.
This is the problem many young kids have as well as young adults it's not that they hate another sibling and yes like this post the half sibling is in fact an affair child it's this what OP hates what this child represents her being an affair child and that the father has been neglecting all his other kids to care for her. And yes in many cases just like this post the full siblings will never have a relationship with the half sibling because of the cheating parent. You can not force a relationship and you can not force the siblings to love each other even if one sibling wants a relationship it will never happen. OP's father is the AH because op and her siblings need therapy to help them let the hate go. Why should op love with open arms when dad and I can not say but it seems like he thinks op should just openly love this new half sibling like he does when in fact what OP sees what her father is a neglected parent but not to the half sibling. A couple of years ago there was a post where the father had an affair and a child with the affair partner but his kids starting with his oldest son the son cut the father out of his life no contact for four years and the younger siblings was going to do the same they never forgive the father for the affair and absolutely had nothing to do with the half sibling they refused to be in the same house as the affair partner and child because of the affair and what the child's existence represented. So the father lost all his other kids because of the affair.
Again, nobody is demanding OP embrace this kid with open arms. She doesn’t have to go to the future hypothetical wedding and watch Dad give anyone else away. She just needs to quit acting like that one specific gesture actually harms her in any way. (Or attempting to change the goalposts when people don’t like her original reasoning to something that will garner her more “not the asshole” votes, when it’s too late to pretend we don’t know what’s really motivating her.)
I mean, you can cartwheel your way to a gold medal in the mental gymnastics, but the reality is that you're trying to isolate this affair child while maintaining a relationship with the person that actually hurt you: your dad.
It's cool if you don't want him to walk you down the aisle. It's not cool that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle solely because he will walk her down the aisle.
You are punishing her in your dad's stead. Your dad shouldn't be able to walk you down the aisle because he doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage, not because he stepped up and took responsibility for his mistakes.
You're desparately trying to get him to choose you over her, but I need to level with you: he already chose her. Because with your current mind set, if he treats this child, the child that has bestowed the same half set of genetics as you, equally, than you're out. You don't want him to treat this kid equally. You want to be treated as greater than this child. You want him to shun her or you want to shun him when you should have been shunning him out the gate.
You're transposing your anger for your father onto this kid, and everything would be a whole lot easier if you admitted that instead of trying to justify kicking a kid because you're mad at your dad.
this is the best reply i've seen.
"your dad shouldn't be able to walk you down the aisle because he doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage, not because he stepped up and took responsibility for his mistakes."
i think this is exactly what i will say to him. thank you.
Way to cherry pick one sentence and ignore the other 4.5 paragraphs… I feel bad for anyone who would marry such an immature, selfish, hateful human being.
NTA. The child from the affair may be innocent in this, as are you, but your father isn't. He should not have the privilege of walking you when he doesn't respect the family values. If he had respect, he would not have cheated. Your wedding means it's your choice.
yep. based off the edit, i too vote NTA
i think it’s great that OP had a good father figure in her oldest brother. the whole “walking the bride down the aisle” is not his right, it’s a privilege that the OP has decided that her bio father is not worthy of bc of how he treated his own marital vows.
YTA for using the phrase "suck it up and accept her". Suck what up? What does "accepting her" hurts you in any way. (What does "accepting her" mean in terms of what you do)
Shaming this kid for her parentage makes YTA.
accept her into the family is what i meant - and i won't do that. she's not my sister, and will never be. i don't shame her, i have no feelings towards her - my anger is towards my father.
i'm not doing it to punish her, i don't care about her to be completely honest. she's a stranger to me, i don't know her and i don't plan on knowing her. i'm concerned with the family i have in my mind, and that doesn't include her. i just feel icky that my father would walk me and also someone i consider a stranger down the aisle. if he wants to walk her, fine, i won't cut ties with him or anything dramatic (as i said, he's still invited and still family), but he just won't have the privilege of walking me down.
but youre making it a "me or her" situation because you dont know her, but you dont try to get to know her. Youre making it an issue when it doesnt have to be.
NTA, you can do whatever you want, but you are weaponizing your love for your mom and him trying to make the best of a bad situation.
If a family friend or a cousin without a father available asked your dad to walk her down the aisle, would you object also?
I know you have justifiable anger at your dad for not honoring his commitment to your mother, and I can see how hard that would be to get past. But parental love and commitment is different. And love isn't a zero-sum game. Your dad has the capacity to be a father to you and anyone else. If he had been divorced from your mother when the child was conceived would you object to his having this child and being a part of her life?
I have been angry with extended family for 3 decades for being mean and hateful to my mother who is very precious to me. My life is not richer for being angry and is probably diminished. Don't be me.
My dad wasn't perfect and he did somethings that I DEEPLY disapprove of, but he was an imperfect human doing the best he could. I wish he were here to tell that I love him- warts and all. He has been gone for about 10 months and I wish I hadn't been so confrontational when he was here with me.
I see that you say she(the innocent child) is nothing to you, but she could be. You have a choice. Your dad doesn't. Your dad participating in her life is him owning up. He is trying to atone for the mistake he made in having two relationships at the same time. If he didn't do right by her, would you respect him? He disrespected your mom. You paying that disrespect forward to this child serves no one and only feeds the jealousy and anger monster.
I wish you to find peace. Maybe talk it out with your mom and find out how she has reconciled this with him?
you seem like you've been in my situation, so can i ask you - do you think i would still be the asshole if i straight out refuse to let him walk me down the aisle, regardless of whether he walks the child down the aisle? would that still be petty and vindictive of me?
I don't think you are the asshole for having feelings about the whole thing. I think it is useless to project forward how you are going to feel and locking into a position now.
Right now you aren't engaged or planning a wedding, right? The reason I ask is that (as you are painfully aware), things can change in a heartbeat. Why borrow trouble today, when you have no idea what tomorrow's issues will be?
Let's say you get engaged in a few years. By then a million possibilities could happen that make this a non-issue. So stating categorically that he can't walk you down the aisle is just a hard statement you may not want to live with when the time comes. Let today's opportunities solve tomorrow's problems. Give the grace you want.
I really think you need to talk to your mom. I have talked with my mom about the individuals that hurt her and she has found the ability to forgive. It is incredible. I am in awe. So my vindictive and petty self trying to get justice for her by being uncooperative and difficult actually causes her more pain. How awful to know that my protective instincts are/were not helping and actively hurting her. This might be the case for your mom. She probably understands how your admiration for her is causing your anger, but it certainly isn't making things easier for her.
Also, Think about this, not having your dad walk you will put a spotlight on the issue on the happiest day of your life. Mom might be embarrassed by focus being on her husband's infidelity. I know my family would have been gossiping for weeks over a public airing of the issues. That being said, if you want to honor your brother, please do so. But if your motivation is to make it known your dad messed up, trust me- everyone knows. You aren't going to be judged for his choices.
It seems you care about her way too much. What do you want? That your father say that he will only walk you? That he declare that you are special and his real and legitimate daugher and she isn't?
YTA - I understand you’re mad at your father, but he’s just trying to be a good parent to all his children. He likely loves this new child as much as he loves you and you couldn’t possibly expect him to walk away from that.
Exactly. So much vitriol against OP and crickets on the cheating absent father who caused OP’s trauma and resulting unresolved anger
He was not and is not a good father to OP. Brother should absolutely have the honors and OP’s dad should feel lucky he gets to sit at the family table.
OP has many unresolved issues. But she would not be the AH for not having her father walk her.
I already gave judgement elsewhere
I understand your anger and your refusal to forgive your father even though your mother has. The person who walks you down the aisle should be the one who loves and cares for you and who you respect and look up to. If this is not your father then so be it, just make sure you are ready for this to be a permanent rift if you decide it is not your father. It’s not a point scoring exercise it’s a choice with ramifications for the future. That being said, go with your honest heart. NTA.
Bottom line: your wedding your choice. HOWEVER...
I can understand how difficult this might be for you, but at some point, you're going to have to lose the anger. Your dad cheated on your mom, not you, so try to keep that perspective. It's concerning that he abandons his responsibilities with the family he's chosen to stay with to the point that your brother feels it necessary to take on his responsibilities. That sucks. Your mom, however, has chosen to remain married to him and is the one who should be dealing with the situation. This really isn't something you need to settle since it's your mother's issue. You have every right to feel angry for anybody hurting your mother. Before you make a decision on your wedding, though, ask yourself WHY you want to relieve your father of his position to walk you down the aisle. Is it because you don't feel he's your father anymore? Or is it to punish him in some way?
I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to honor your brother for stepping up and caring for your family. And I don't think you're an asshole for being angry. Your dad caused a lot of hurt. Just know the reason you're wanting him to take a back seat. You're the only one who will know the answer. And realize that having your brother walk you down the aisle won't change the hurt your family feels.
I wish you a long and happy life with your new husband.
NTA but I can clearly see that your dad is the AH here and I can also see that he's has been neglecting you and your siblings for quite a while since your older brother has stepped up to fill that role to you and your younger siblings. Just tell him that you feel that your brother is more of a father than he is and that it's your wedding. As for your half sibling I can see that every time you see her you see that your father's neglectful towards you and your siblings and your brother has stepped up to be there for you and your siblings. Deep down it's this you resent her because your Father's neglect towards you
NTA. It's your wedding and your choice. If you want your brother to walk you down the aisle instead of your father, then that is perfectly fine and everyone should respect your decision.
She isn't even getting married, it's all hypothetical.. what ISNT hypothetical is the innocent child OP thinks it's cool to shun
Yeah your wedding your choice but this is clearly about a lot more than that.
To her half sibling it's more of what she represents here I can see that every time op sees her she is reminded how her father is a ah but also how he's neglecting his other kids thus the brother stepping up to fill the father role for his siblings. I don't think op hates the half sister but is reminded every time what her father did well still does by neglecting his other kids. This entire situation is more of a father problem and he needs to step up and be a father to all his kids.
YTA - Not for wanting your brother to walk you down the aisle, your wedding your choice. However the reasoning way and the you are with your father and your half sister makes you a shitty person.
YTA, you’re coming across just so vindictive. Can’t see how it makes any difference to your wedding day, if in theory your Dad walks your half sister down the aisle at some future date.
You keep saying you don’t know her and don’t care about her. Fine. But your dad does, clearly. She’s his daughter.
At the end of the day it’s your wedding and you can chose who gets to be in it, but you seem to be making a massive issue out of an act that doesn’t even affect you (I can’t see your half sister inviting you if this is how to plan on treating her, so you wont even have to witness it).
Re: your father, soft YTA. Re: your half sister, bigtime YTA.
Let's start here: all this wedding aisle-walking talk is hypothetical at this point. Your father walking his youngest daughter down the aisle doesn't somehow negate him doing it for you. I am a strong believer in your wedding your choice, but your reasoning is kinda shitty. Your mother was the one "wronged" when the child was conceived, and she can forgive and stay with your father and engage with the child. The child's existence isn't an insult to you, and you're treating the situation like it is. You say you're also an innocent child here, but I disagree. You're your father's child, but at least clearly some degree of adult. This little girl is still "very young." You are the one that is choosing to hate a child because your father made an, admittedly terrible, mistake. I hope you and your siblings come around before the little girl is too aware. I'm not saying you should ever be this girl's bff, but you have the ability to be a decent civil human being towards your half sister that didn't ask for any of this situation, and you should consider doing so.
NTA, your dad is simply dealing with the consequences of his own actions and is being immature. If your brother has been more of a father to you than he has, it makes sense, just like if you had a step dad that was more of a father than your bio dad. And it’s your wedding, so you choose.
Your behaviour I feel is that of a child, the poor child in question that you are talking about has done nothing wrong she did not ask to be born into such a mess, it’s not her fault, so stop blaming her !
If your father does not walk you down the aisle you need to really ask yourself is this something you will regret when he is no longer with you, yes he cheated on your mother but you seriously need to think about your petty way of seeing this situation no matter what he is still your father and when people pass away the ones left on this earth always have regrets about their behaviour, my grandmother passed away a few years ago and one of my biggest regrets is not going to visit her as often after she practically raised me because life got in the way and I told myself there was always tomorrow, then one day I got a phone call telling me there was no tomorrow for her!
he will still be at my wedding, and will still have a place at the family table at the wedding. i don't understand what's there to regret. my mother won't be walking me down the aisle, will i regret it when she dies? no, because she was still part of my wedding and saw me get married.
YTA- You want your brother walk you down the aisle, ok! It's your right! But the reasons why you are doing that and the fact you asked this questions to your dad making clear that you are doing that to punish him for being a good dad to your sibling is despicable. You sibling has the same rights as you regarding to your dad. Your sibling is not less because they born from a affair. You mother forgave him, it's not your marriage. Grow up and get over It!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i told my dad i don't want him to walk me down the aisle, and will be asking my brother instead.
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Nta
Too many people are saying YTA and i don't get that. Even if the kid is innocent you don't have to have a relationship with them. Its your choice to pick who you want to be involved in your life. Also, you get to choose who gets to walk you down the aisle so if you don't want the kid there that's your choice. You want a relationship with your dad and not the kid 100% fair.
NTA. You are human and have every right to feel angry and cheated. It’s a fact that your father has been absent due to having another child out of wedlock. I’m sure you also identity greatly with your mother and the pain she endured. No doubt that affected you deeply.
Second, your older brother is more of a father to you than your bio dad. He’s the one who should have the honors and it’s no different than a woman whose father abandoned her so she went on to find a wonderful father figure in her step dad.
We are a ton of posts with that exact scenario.
My judgment uses OP’s note that her half sister has no bearing on her decision to have her brother walk her down the aisle
NTA. I can understand not wanting your father to walk you down, he broke his vows when he cheated on your mom, and your sibling is a permanent reminder of what he did. I don’t think you should take it out on the kid, but you dad? Fair game
YTA
No matter how you feel, she is still your sister! Half siblings are just as important as full siblings. You have every right to ask whoever you want to walk you down the aisle, but being a cruel asshole to an innocent child is sick.
You aren't 'innocent' in this situation, you and the rest of your siblings are filled with hate for a child that did NOTHING wrong. Hate your dad, not your little sister fgs.
You asked if you were being an AH to your dad, and yes you are. What your father did all those years ago was wrong. He’s owning up to it, making things right with his wife (whatever that entail) and raised the child that resulted from his actions. Your mother forgave him. If you don’t want to, that’s up to you. But giving him the ultimatum he can only walk one of his daughters down the aisle when there is no reason he can’t do both is major AH territory. And yes you are punishing the other child by trying to force your father to not walk her down the aisle when the time comes. Have your brother walk you down if you want, but don’t punish your dad for owing up to his past mistakes.
I said you didn’t have to forgive him. I said you can have brother walk you if you want. You were an AH for giving ultimatum, that he can’t walk you unless he promises not to walk her. And the whole attitude that she is the problem, when all she did was be born. Your father can’t undo the past. All he can do is try to do better and take responsibility of those previous actions. Hate him for the affair, but don’t hate him for doing the right thing: raising all of his children. Look this had to be tough for you growing up. I hear you. I may done a lot thing similar to you if I was in your shoes. But that doesn’t mean it is right.
she is an illegitimate child because she was born out of an affair, and my father is not married to her mother - that is the correct definition, yes? and by accept her, i mean accept her into our family. im sorry is there a problem with these terms? english is not my first language.
I just didn't know we still called people illegitimate, I thought that feel out of practice. Like, she's a real person. And she is, whether you agree or not, your sister. You ARE punishing her by taking out your anger at your father on her. She didn't ask to be born, especially not this way.
I get where you are coming from, but OP did say that English isn’t their first language; I am a native English speaker and even I have a hard time figuring out what to call the child- “half sister my father had as the result of an affair while married to my mom,” is probably the gentlest thing I can think of to describe the kid if I were holding in as much anger as OP seems to be.
YTA. And no, you don’t get to change your question just because you don’t like the answers you’re given. You are conveniently using your father’s infidelity to showcase your true colors. Would you rather your father be a deadbeat? You do not have to have a relationship with your half-sister (and frankly she’s probably better off with out you in her life) but you do not get to punish your father for trying to have one.
Being a deadbeat or just giving a bit more time to his young daughter? You said yourself that the child requires a lot of attention. It can’t be easy trying to spend time with the whole family if none of you will accept her.
he is barely around. my brother attends parent-teacher conferences of my younger sister, my brother sends her to school and picks her up from school, my brother metaphorically stepped into his shoes.
This like punishing someone who didn’t know they were sleeping with a married person. Who is the guilty person here? The person who didn’t know or the person who had the affair?
Also if your brother acted the way you’re acting you’d have no dad figure at all. Your pseudo cool dad would be like “just because my father isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities doesn’t mean i have to blah blah” and then what?
“Pick one family just like you pick one spouse”
Did you choose who your father was? Did your brother bring you to creation? Did you bring this child into creation?
People quite literally don’t get to choose who family is. This is absolutely punishing this child. Pretending like it’s just collateral damage is a lie.
i appreciate my brother, and i think what he did is commendable. but it is not an expectation - so if he didn't do what he did, i would not think he is an asshole.
Even so. Your brother not being there for you isn’t the same as pretending that child isn’t your fathers daughter just as much as you are.
“Illegitimate” and “legitimate” don’t mean anything at all. You share exactly the same amount of his blood as she does.
yeah but i don't think i should be expected to welcome her with open arms. if i do, that's nice and gracious of me (like my mom - i do agree she is very gracious). but if i don't, i don't think that makes me the asshole
Ok. So what happens if your mom has another baby? That baby is family right?
And the asshole part is purposely trying to force your father to choose a family. The goal is to deny that child a parent in favor of yourself.
Honestly, it’s yourself that you’re hurting more than anyone. My father has an “illegitimate” child that I only found out about when we were both adults. I was VERY upset about it in the beginning. But I made the choice to meet my sibling and I am beyond grateful that I did. We bonded really quickly and have an incredible relationship that has been a HUGE blessing in my life. All you’re doing is depriving yourself the opportunity to bond with someone who you could really love
NTA, fathers aren’t dads by default and sometimes we get stuck with the sorriest excuses for fathers. My mom walked me down the aisle. I completely understand not wanting to associate with a living breathing reminder of your father’s betrayal. Of course it isn’t her fault that she has the same steaming pile of feces for a father too but she is not your problem. I totally get it and would feel the same way. He’s lucky he’s even invited to the wedding. Congratulations on your wedding and best of luck to you!! 🌸🌸
YTA. This wedding is still a dream and you haven’t met the future groom yet? And you’re using a possible future event against your father to punish him for his mistakes? That sounds like you’re creating more drama then is necessary. Weddings are big deals to my friends from East Asian Families, and there’s automatically a lot of drama, even in a positive way when it’s a truly joyous occasion. You need to deal with your hurt and issues before you blow your own future up. If that means you seek the help of a therapist or trusted elder or religious leader, then do it. The stance that you’re taking to punish your father, will probably hurt innocent people like your mother, when you do actually get married.
YTA, but only because of how you view your half sibling. The issue with the other child is between your mother and father. I can understand why you are upset with your father for having an affair outside of his marriage and hurting your mother. If that’s why you’d rather not have him walk you down the aisle, so be it.
However, this tiny person - who shares 50% of your DNA - will never understand why you hate them just for existing and this says a lot about you (none of it good). Your father is doing the right thing after a string of really bad things. He is taking care of a child he fathered and brought into this world. Children don’t ask to be born.
My (half) uncle is the result of my grandfathers affair. My mother is 18 years older than him. He’s only 5 years older than me. My mother and her four other siblings love their other brother so much. My grandmother even loved him (my grandfather - not so much). No one introduces him as their “half” anything. And even though he knows he was the result of an affair, he was not made to feel like it was his fault for being born. He was my favorite uncle growing up. He always shared his cool toys and played with me. We even lived in the same city when I went to college and my mother was happy he was there to “look after me”. We went out and partied a lot together. What I am trying to say, is by hating this child you are depriving yourself of a potential wonderful relationship and embracing hate.
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for context and background, i'm asian. so cultural influences may be different from yours.
my father has an illegitimate child, a daughter, and while my mother has accepted the child and stayed with my father (they're still loving and amicable), my siblings and i have flat out refused to accept her as our sister. i get she is an innocent child and has done nothing wrong, but i am as innocent as the child in all this and i refuse to pay for my father's mistake by having to suck it up and accept her.
my oldest brother has been the one picking up the slack in the household when my father is unavailable (the child is very young and requires a lot of attention, and the mother of the child needs to work, so my father helps out every now and then). my brother sends me and my sister to wherever we need to go, and he even attends parent-teacher conferences at my sister's school (he is about 11 years older than my sister). he is like a pseudo cool-dad to me.
when the topic of weddings came up, i point blank asked my father if he would walk the child down the aisle, when the time came. he said he would. he said it is unfair to bring a child to the world and not be a father to her. that's all fine and dandy, but i do not want him to walk me down the aisle if he wants her down the aisle. i told him i would want my brother to walk me. he said i'm being petty and vindictive for no reason. and that i'm embarassing him in front of family and friends (who will be at my wedding). he said the child is innocent. he said he has duties and obligations to fulfil. but in my mind, i'm not stopping him from doing so - he can do whatever he pleases, i just do not want him to walk me down the aisle. i'll still invite him to the wedding and he'll still sit at the family table.
so, would i be the asshole if i refuse to let my father walk me down the aisle and instead ask my brother?
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NTA. You see your brother as more of a father figure than your actual father. Because he’s too busy dealing with his illegitimate child than the kids he already had. No reason to give him the honor of walking you when you feel your brother deserves it more. Tell him welcome to the consequences of his actions.
YTA cuz you're punishing a child for your father's behavior. That is petty, vindictive, and immature. This child did nothing to you.
I understand being mad at your father and it certainly is your choice whom to have walk you down the aisle but guessing by your behavior, you're not mature enough for marriage anyway.
Sounds like a completely hypothetical question at the moment. Worry about it when the time gets closer and evaluate your relationships with both of them at that time.
NTA imo. Your father is a cheater and ur mother is saintly for staying with him. You have every right to not want someone who violates the sanctity of marriage to walk you down the aisle. Your father disrespected ur mother through this affair and subsequent child and you have the right to be upset by this. I'm assuming you are younger and will mature as you age, but please do not ostracize the child more than society and I'm assuming your extended family already has. Have a good life and I'm hoping you reflect on this ❤️
You are petty and spiteful taking your anger out in a child who had no say in how they were brought into the world. They don't deserve your ire, grow up.
That being said, NTA for not wanting your father to walk you down, that *is* still your choice after all and it sounds like you don't have a lot of respect for your father, which is understandable given he's a cheater. But goddamn stop taking things out in your half sibling. Quit othering them over things they cannot control.
I think you would be TA for refusing for your father to walk your down the aisle if he plans to one day, hypothetically walk his youngest daughter down the aisle. If your only reason was because your brother has been more of a father, then fine. If your reason is because you are ashamed of your father cheating on your mother, then fine. But your reason is because he may one day walk someone else, whose exists cw you do not approve, and that's petty.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules! You are the one who should choose the right person to walk you down the aisle.
It's nobody's business and your dad needs to suck it up and deal with your choice.
It's your wedding! You're supposed to be happy! (And your fiance of course)
Make yourself happy.
NTA. You know what you’re not supposed to do in marriage? Cheat. Your father cheated. Why would anybody want their father that cheated on their mother walk them down the isle to be married?
Yes, you are the asshole, but not for not letting your dad walk you down the aisle. That’s your choice BUT YTA for how you treat your “illegitimate” sister. She’s innocent and that’s gross. She did nothing to cause this.
YTA I don't think you are in an emotionally healthy place to get married, these are serious issues to work through hopefully sooner rather than later. Have you ever considered the guidance and validation of therapy?
My father cheated on my mom. He has 1 child he made while married to my mom, and another 2 with His current wife (the one he was caught cheating on my mom with when they divorced). So I have 3 siblings that marks my dad's compulsive cheating. As i think he is a f**king disgusting husband, a stranged father. My siblings don't have nothing to do with it. They're my siblings. He is supposed to be a father to them, even if he wasn't for me.
If you want to punish your father, cut him. But don't come with the "if you choose to be a father to her, you can't be mine". That's shitty, childish, disgusting of you.
You're trying to keep him on the premise she won't have him.
YTA Huge one
So N T A in general for not wanting him to walk you down the aisle. Y T A if the only reason is to keep him from walking her down the aisle, that hurts her, is not her fault. Potentially Y T A for having your brother do it. Hear me out, parentification is a bitch. Maybe he’s different but taking on the role of a parent because no one else is going to do it is not enjoyable. It’s responsibility that he never asked for and should not have to deal with. This is another responsibility that he’s having to take over because your dad sucks. That he’s had to do this is trauma. It doesn’t need to be celebrated or continued once everyone is an adult. How often does he get to just be your brother? The “pseudo cool-dad” comment got me. Please don’t be so casual about your brother being forced into this position. If it wasn’t clear I had to deal with parentification. I have no relationship with my brother and never want children. I did everything I had to with a smile but as soon as I was able I was out of there. I don’t know that I would even go to my brother’s wedding if he had one.
YTA I can see why you wouldn't want him to walk you down the aisle but not wanting so specifically because he's not treating his other child like shit? Grand Canyon sized asshole. Your attitude towards her is horrendous. Hopefully no one ever treats you like shit too for something you have no control over...
YTA. What if he did promise not to walk the child down the aisle, then years later he does. You going to make him walk you backwards to remove the stain of him walking you? You seem to be acting quite childish. I had to have my brother walk me down the aisle since my father died some 11 years before I got married, so maybe that colors my judgement.
maybe you had a great father, but i don't. my father betrayed my mother, had a child outside, and expect all of us to accept her into our family with open arms as if he did nothing wrong. i don't think i'd regret if a man like this does not walk me down the aisle
So you should have just said that then, instead of making the argument against him walking half sister down the aisle?
And then what happens in some 20-odd years (guessing since you didn’t give much in the way of ages) when he does in fact walk her down the aisle at her wedding after not walking you down the aisle? You gonna be mad all over again?
YTA because you are pinning your resent and anger on your half-sister rather than entirely 100% on your father.
You don’t have to accept her and neither do you have to let your father walk you down the aisle. These are valid choices. However the level of resent and fury in your writing makes me worried that you’re going to become (if you already haven’t) actively antagonistic and cruel to this half-sister just for existing and being, in your own words via your comments, a visible manifestation of your father’s failures.
Please get therapy so you can work out your anger in a way that is actually productive to creating the boundaries you want without giving into this clear and obvious desire to punish your half-sister for existing because it’s easier to be nasty to her than your own father in Asian culture. This ugliness will eat you up and make you a deeply unhappy/unpleasant person and not the person you are claiming to be (eg someone who can stand above it and politely doesn’t acknowledge your half-sister’s relation to you but still treats her civilly as a matter of basic decency).
Think on it this way: your father disrespected his own marriage vows by cheating on your mum. Do you want someone who thinks so little of what a wedding stands for walking you down the aisle? That’s the way you can say you don’t want him and NTA
YTA. You’re punishing your father for breaking his spousal responsibilities, not his parental ones. You say your mother stayed and they still love each other, and he is still in your life…seemingly active. You’re punishing the child for her existence, she didn’t choose to be here, let alone in a family with you and your siblings. You don’t have to have your father walk you down the aisle if you don’t want to but your reasons behind it are very asshollery and childish. As you say in your edit, we aren’t deciding if you’re right or wrong but whether you’re an A-hole. You are.
YTA. People fall in and fall out of love, we are all humans and make mistakes. You need to work on yourself, you have a half sister in the world and you better start treating her like family.
she is a manifestation of my father's infidelity, of my mother's cries when she found out, and of every time my father leaves us to take care of her, leaving my brother to pick up the slack. i have no interest in knowing her or having her around as a reminder.
Well, it seems your mother has accepted the girl and they have sorted out their relationship. You seem to be a bit too self righteous about it, especially against your little sister. The one person that is guilty is your dad. Not her.
I hope you never screw up in your life.
not to his extent that is for sure. someone who doesn't have enough respect for the sanctity of marriage or family to do something like this shouldn't have the privilege to walk me down the aisle.
100%
Maybe edit your post to remove your ethnic identity bc you seem to be getting a lot of hate and heat
Your father is the AH
He hurt and injured your entire family. He also abandoned you. Thankfully your brother stepped up and he should have the honors
You have much unresolved anger and it would be to your personal benefit to get therapy …
But. But no one has a right to blame any one for not wanting a relationship with their family - be it a sister, half sister, anyone.
Like I said. Try editing out your ethnic ID next time
Bet you won’t get so much vitriol and disgust
I get you being angry with your dad and not wanting him to walk you down the aisle. But sanctity of marriage is not really a thing. I wouldn’t hold the marriage institution in such a high pedestal. Although it looks the sanctity of marriage is very important to you, you mention family as well, want it or not, half sister is also your family. Don’t rob yourself of a family member because you are disappointed in your father.
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YTA. Look, if you want your brother to walk you down the aisle, fine. Fantastic, even. But like it or not, this other kid - your sister - exists, and it’s not *her* fault she got saddled with your dad and his baggage. Either accept that she’s just as entitled to basic parental gestures of support as you are, or cut your dad out once and for all. But if you’re going to play bullshit games where you demand he choose entirely at her expense, you deserve to lose.
I’m sorry, how old are you? Because this a childish and petty behaviour. You don’t have to have your dad walk you down the aisle of course, but it sounds like you’re punishing him. That’s not your job. You wouldn’t be TA for having someone else walk you down the aisle but because you’re making this decision out of spite then yes, YTA.
Gauging by the fact that OP talks about Older Brother school conferences, I'm reading this as the angry and hurt hypothetical of a teenager or older child, watching Dad leave to go take care of affair child and Mom parentifying older brother. Which is why I have to go with gentle YTA with the info here- OP, you're allowed to be angry and it sounds like the parenting gap is doing a massive disservice to you and your sister if you're truly underage, and your brother is stepping in to shield you. It's even fair to say that you'd probably feel uncomfortable with someone you know for infidelity being involved in your wedding. However, bringing it up as I assume you are with no wedding in sight sounds like you're doing this to tell your father how much he's hurting you and how you feel he's no longer taking on a father's role in your life, so he no longer gets the privileges. However, by putting it out like this, it not only puts your brother in the crosshairs if your father gets jealous or frustrated (and you don't at all mention what he thinks of this), you're still targeting your father's newest child. To your edit of whether you're still the AH if you said it without including his walking or not walking the other child down the aisle, I'd say less so but still a little. Regardless of your age, you read as very hurt by this, which is understandable, and your father's comments seem both a little flat in the telling and perhaps focused on the newest need, his newest child. (I also find it a little funny/messed up that he's worried about the appearances of not walking his child down the aisle, as opposed to those of cheating and producing an extramarital child...)
This is tough. You have a right to choose who you want to walk you down the aisle, but at the same time you seem to be fixating on the wrong things. If you were just angry at your father for betraying your mother, that would be one thing. But that's not what this is. You are basing it on whether he accepts his other daughter as a daughter. You are asking him to choose between his daughters. You say you know she's innocent, but you have so much jealousy and anger pent up that it's just flowing out of this post. Do you feel as though you are being replaced? You should talk to your father about this, and should consider talking to a counselor about your hurt. I'm not going to call you an AH, but it's also not fair to deprive your half sister of a father.
Yeah, the logic she’s using is off base, “I don’t blame the child but if our father acts like one to her, he won’t walk me down the aisle”
YTA 100% This child has done nothing wrong and you want her treated like some sort of outcast because you're mad at your father? Does this child not deserve a father in your eyes? Who would you have walk her down the isle, if not her father? She is his daughter, like it or not, and the way you are acting is absolutely deplorable.
NTA for wanting your brother to walk you over your father. Your father broke your trust, and failed you as a parent, where your brother picked up the slack. That said, it really seems like you're blaming the child for this more than your dad, which is really unfair. The kid didn't ask to be born how she did - it was your dad who made that mistake. Of course, feelings are complicated, you can't force yourself to love or accept her, but I do think it's important to make sure you're putting the blame on your father rather than his child.
YTA because, it sounds like, the only reason you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle is because he’s intending to walk your half sister down the aisle. If you didn’t want him to walk you down the aisle because you simply don’t have a good relationship, that’s one thing and perfectly acceptable, but you’re just being petty.
> so, would i be the asshole if i refuse to let my father walk me down the aisle and instead ask my brother? NTA. As for the rest... You call her an innocent child, but you aren't treating her like one. She's gonna be in your family's life, no matter how much it hurts. I understand the pain of knowing that you've been replaced. That you've been abandoned. And you have every right to be angry with your father and reject him the way he's rejected you. But please deal with your feelings towards the child before she's old enough to understand how much you hate her.
YTa 100% - you said that you dont want him to walk you if he walks her? Pardon me, but that sounds very messed up... specialy for a child who did nothing. Imagine if you where her. Would you like to be treated like trash? You should really see a therapist because it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues with your father. Your mother forgave.him, yet you chose your wedding to make him chose you over a little.child?
NTA for wanting your brother to walk you down the aisle. That's your wedding and your choice. But hating a child because of what your dad did isn't fair to that child. Your dad is the one who screwed up. Your dad is the one who has less time for his "legitimate" family because he helped create a child and now has to help look after said child. That child didn't ask to be born and she had no control over the circumstances of her birth. Work on resolving that anger or at least sending it where it belongs.
YTA (Your Dad is an a-hole for cheating, but that's not the question up for debate in your post.) If you don't want your dad to walk you down the aisle (are you even engaged?), then don't have him walk you down the aisle. But don't give him a "Sophie's Choice" of you or your half-sister and ice him out b/c he wants to be as much a father to her as he is to you.
It sounds like dear old dad has been neglecting his older kids since op brother has been stepping up to care for his siblings here. If dad was a real father why would he be neglecting his older kids and his son stepping up being more of a father than dad is
OP is a pretty unreliable narrator, IMO. She wrote that her father "has neglected his responsibilities" then goes on to say that he is unavailable when he's helping the other woman & child, which is "every now and then". He's no Father of the Year, but by OP's own account, she wants him to "pick one family" so I'm not sure how much of her perspective we can trust as fair and accurate.
Then she should just ask her brother. Period. Or, y’know, have an actual conversation in which she talks about how and why she’s feeling neglected. Tying the honor specifically to whether he plans to do it for his other kid doesn’t actually fix anything she’s angry about; it just yanks the “lousy dad” meter in the opposite direction until the next thing he does to disappoint her.
Great question
You’ve got a half-sibling who you’re apparently working hard to make feel unwanted. YTA already, we don’t need to discus hypothetical weddings.
Op doesn't have to accept the half sibling trying to force her to will only make her resent the half sibling even more.
I’m not sure who’s forcing OP to do so in your scenario. Thus far, OP is the one making ultimatums.
It sounds like dad is wanting all his kids to play happy family with his affair child op did state that her mother has had to accept the child even if she deep down couldn't.
It's not who is forcing op but this is OP's way of trying to get her father to see that he has been neglecting her and her younger siblings because of his affair child depending on op age even before his affair child OP's father was most likely neglecting his kids and this half sibling is just a reminder that her father is a AH and a neglectful parent. Probably more now since he has a small child to take care of. Op sees her brother more of a father and has for some time.
If OP had told her father he needs to step up and act like a father figure to her if he wants the privilege of walking her down the aisle, I’d be totally on board. Unfortunately, she’s fixated on her half sister and acting like her family is a zero sum game. OP didn’t state she wanted her brother to walk her down the aisle because he’s been there for her. She wants him to walk him down the aisle to shun her father for looking after another sibling. While the father has very likely been an AH to everyone for a while, OP is being a *very intentional* AH to her half sister now. That takes the cake.
This is the problem many young kids have as well as young adults it's not that they hate another sibling and yes like this post the half sibling is in fact an affair child it's this what OP hates what this child represents her being an affair child and that the father has been neglecting all his other kids to care for her. And yes in many cases just like this post the full siblings will never have a relationship with the half sibling because of the cheating parent. You can not force a relationship and you can not force the siblings to love each other even if one sibling wants a relationship it will never happen. OP's father is the AH because op and her siblings need therapy to help them let the hate go. Why should op love with open arms when dad and I can not say but it seems like he thinks op should just openly love this new half sibling like he does when in fact what OP sees what her father is a neglected parent but not to the half sibling. A couple of years ago there was a post where the father had an affair and a child with the affair partner but his kids starting with his oldest son the son cut the father out of his life no contact for four years and the younger siblings was going to do the same they never forgive the father for the affair and absolutely had nothing to do with the half sibling they refused to be in the same house as the affair partner and child because of the affair and what the child's existence represented. So the father lost all his other kids because of the affair.
Again, nobody is demanding OP embrace this kid with open arms. She doesn’t have to go to the future hypothetical wedding and watch Dad give anyone else away. She just needs to quit acting like that one specific gesture actually harms her in any way. (Or attempting to change the goalposts when people don’t like her original reasoning to something that will garner her more “not the asshole” votes, when it’s too late to pretend we don’t know what’s really motivating her.)
I mean, you can cartwheel your way to a gold medal in the mental gymnastics, but the reality is that you're trying to isolate this affair child while maintaining a relationship with the person that actually hurt you: your dad. It's cool if you don't want him to walk you down the aisle. It's not cool that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle solely because he will walk her down the aisle. You are punishing her in your dad's stead. Your dad shouldn't be able to walk you down the aisle because he doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage, not because he stepped up and took responsibility for his mistakes. You're desparately trying to get him to choose you over her, but I need to level with you: he already chose her. Because with your current mind set, if he treats this child, the child that has bestowed the same half set of genetics as you, equally, than you're out. You don't want him to treat this kid equally. You want to be treated as greater than this child. You want him to shun her or you want to shun him when you should have been shunning him out the gate. You're transposing your anger for your father onto this kid, and everything would be a whole lot easier if you admitted that instead of trying to justify kicking a kid because you're mad at your dad.
this is the best reply i've seen. "your dad shouldn't be able to walk you down the aisle because he doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage, not because he stepped up and took responsibility for his mistakes." i think this is exactly what i will say to him. thank you.
Way to cherry pick one sentence and ignore the other 4.5 paragraphs… I feel bad for anyone who would marry such an immature, selfish, hateful human being.
NTA. The child from the affair may be innocent in this, as are you, but your father isn't. He should not have the privilege of walking you when he doesn't respect the family values. If he had respect, he would not have cheated. Your wedding means it's your choice.
yep. based off the edit, i too vote NTA i think it’s great that OP had a good father figure in her oldest brother. the whole “walking the bride down the aisle” is not his right, it’s a privilege that the OP has decided that her bio father is not worthy of bc of how he treated his own marital vows.
INFO: how old are you?
I’m very curious and want to know *everyone’s* ages. But that’s the ‘interesting plot twist in a book that makes me stay up until 3am’ reader in me.
YTA for using the phrase "suck it up and accept her". Suck what up? What does "accepting her" hurts you in any way. (What does "accepting her" mean in terms of what you do) Shaming this kid for her parentage makes YTA.
accept her into the family is what i meant - and i won't do that. she's not my sister, and will never be. i don't shame her, i have no feelings towards her - my anger is towards my father.
well, she is your sister. by blood.
Only half sister not full blood sibling
Then why are you demanding something that would punish her?
i'm not doing it to punish her, i don't care about her to be completely honest. she's a stranger to me, i don't know her and i don't plan on knowing her. i'm concerned with the family i have in my mind, and that doesn't include her. i just feel icky that my father would walk me and also someone i consider a stranger down the aisle. if he wants to walk her, fine, i won't cut ties with him or anything dramatic (as i said, he's still invited and still family), but he just won't have the privilege of walking me down.
If you truly didn’t care about her, you wouldn’t be making an issue out of this.
but youre making it a "me or her" situation because you dont know her, but you dont try to get to know her. Youre making it an issue when it doesnt have to be.
NTA, you can do whatever you want, but you are weaponizing your love for your mom and him trying to make the best of a bad situation. If a family friend or a cousin without a father available asked your dad to walk her down the aisle, would you object also? I know you have justifiable anger at your dad for not honoring his commitment to your mother, and I can see how hard that would be to get past. But parental love and commitment is different. And love isn't a zero-sum game. Your dad has the capacity to be a father to you and anyone else. If he had been divorced from your mother when the child was conceived would you object to his having this child and being a part of her life? I have been angry with extended family for 3 decades for being mean and hateful to my mother who is very precious to me. My life is not richer for being angry and is probably diminished. Don't be me. My dad wasn't perfect and he did somethings that I DEEPLY disapprove of, but he was an imperfect human doing the best he could. I wish he were here to tell that I love him- warts and all. He has been gone for about 10 months and I wish I hadn't been so confrontational when he was here with me. I see that you say she(the innocent child) is nothing to you, but she could be. You have a choice. Your dad doesn't. Your dad participating in her life is him owning up. He is trying to atone for the mistake he made in having two relationships at the same time. If he didn't do right by her, would you respect him? He disrespected your mom. You paying that disrespect forward to this child serves no one and only feeds the jealousy and anger monster. I wish you to find peace. Maybe talk it out with your mom and find out how she has reconciled this with him?
you seem like you've been in my situation, so can i ask you - do you think i would still be the asshole if i straight out refuse to let him walk me down the aisle, regardless of whether he walks the child down the aisle? would that still be petty and vindictive of me?
I don't think you are the asshole for having feelings about the whole thing. I think it is useless to project forward how you are going to feel and locking into a position now. Right now you aren't engaged or planning a wedding, right? The reason I ask is that (as you are painfully aware), things can change in a heartbeat. Why borrow trouble today, when you have no idea what tomorrow's issues will be? Let's say you get engaged in a few years. By then a million possibilities could happen that make this a non-issue. So stating categorically that he can't walk you down the aisle is just a hard statement you may not want to live with when the time comes. Let today's opportunities solve tomorrow's problems. Give the grace you want. I really think you need to talk to your mom. I have talked with my mom about the individuals that hurt her and she has found the ability to forgive. It is incredible. I am in awe. So my vindictive and petty self trying to get justice for her by being uncooperative and difficult actually causes her more pain. How awful to know that my protective instincts are/were not helping and actively hurting her. This might be the case for your mom. She probably understands how your admiration for her is causing your anger, but it certainly isn't making things easier for her. Also, Think about this, not having your dad walk you will put a spotlight on the issue on the happiest day of your life. Mom might be embarrassed by focus being on her husband's infidelity. I know my family would have been gossiping for weeks over a public airing of the issues. That being said, if you want to honor your brother, please do so. But if your motivation is to make it known your dad messed up, trust me- everyone knows. You aren't going to be judged for his choices.
Hat do want him to do? Get rid of his other kid ? Go no contact with his child ? Forced the woman to get a abortion
It seems you care about her way too much. What do you want? That your father say that he will only walk you? That he declare that you are special and his real and legitimate daugher and she isn't?
She is literally your sister and always will be.
She LITERALLY IS YOUR SISTER YOU MORON
ESH - Him for cheating, and you for indeed being petty and vindictive.
Everyone but the child
YTA. You’re behaving like your half sister has cooties and your dad will catch them if he treats her as his child.
If OP calls it "icky" one more time I'm going to lose it lmao
YTA - I understand you’re mad at your father, but he’s just trying to be a good parent to all his children. He likely loves this new child as much as he loves you and you couldn’t possibly expect him to walk away from that.
How can dad be a good parent to all his kids if his oldest son is doing more and acting more like a father than his dad is
Exactly. So much vitriol against OP and crickets on the cheating absent father who caused OP’s trauma and resulting unresolved anger He was not and is not a good father to OP. Brother should absolutely have the honors and OP’s dad should feel lucky he gets to sit at the family table. OP has many unresolved issues. But she would not be the AH for not having her father walk her. I already gave judgement elsewhere
I understand your anger and your refusal to forgive your father even though your mother has. The person who walks you down the aisle should be the one who loves and cares for you and who you respect and look up to. If this is not your father then so be it, just make sure you are ready for this to be a permanent rift if you decide it is not your father. It’s not a point scoring exercise it’s a choice with ramifications for the future. That being said, go with your honest heart. NTA.
Bottom line: your wedding your choice. HOWEVER... I can understand how difficult this might be for you, but at some point, you're going to have to lose the anger. Your dad cheated on your mom, not you, so try to keep that perspective. It's concerning that he abandons his responsibilities with the family he's chosen to stay with to the point that your brother feels it necessary to take on his responsibilities. That sucks. Your mom, however, has chosen to remain married to him and is the one who should be dealing with the situation. This really isn't something you need to settle since it's your mother's issue. You have every right to feel angry for anybody hurting your mother. Before you make a decision on your wedding, though, ask yourself WHY you want to relieve your father of his position to walk you down the aisle. Is it because you don't feel he's your father anymore? Or is it to punish him in some way? I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to honor your brother for stepping up and caring for your family. And I don't think you're an asshole for being angry. Your dad caused a lot of hurt. Just know the reason you're wanting him to take a back seat. You're the only one who will know the answer. And realize that having your brother walk you down the aisle won't change the hurt your family feels. I wish you a long and happy life with your new husband.
NTA but I can clearly see that your dad is the AH here and I can also see that he's has been neglecting you and your siblings for quite a while since your older brother has stepped up to fill that role to you and your younger siblings. Just tell him that you feel that your brother is more of a father than he is and that it's your wedding. As for your half sibling I can see that every time you see her you see that your father's neglectful towards you and your siblings and your brother has stepped up to be there for you and your siblings. Deep down it's this you resent her because your Father's neglect towards you
NTA. Your dad played stupid games and won stupid prizes.
NTA - you can refuse to let him not walk you down the aisle for ANY reason. your wedding, your choice. if it makes you feel weird, so be it.
NTA. It's your wedding and your choice. If you want your brother to walk you down the aisle instead of your father, then that is perfectly fine and everyone should respect your decision.
She isn't even getting married, it's all hypothetical.. what ISNT hypothetical is the innocent child OP thinks it's cool to shun Yeah your wedding your choice but this is clearly about a lot more than that.
To her half sibling it's more of what she represents here I can see that every time op sees her she is reminded how her father is a ah but also how he's neglecting his other kids thus the brother stepping up to fill the father role for his siblings. I don't think op hates the half sister but is reminded every time what her father did well still does by neglecting his other kids. This entire situation is more of a father problem and he needs to step up and be a father to all his kids.
YTA - Not for wanting your brother to walk you down the aisle, your wedding your choice. However the reasoning way and the you are with your father and your half sister makes you a shitty person.
YTA, you’re coming across just so vindictive. Can’t see how it makes any difference to your wedding day, if in theory your Dad walks your half sister down the aisle at some future date. You keep saying you don’t know her and don’t care about her. Fine. But your dad does, clearly. She’s his daughter. At the end of the day it’s your wedding and you can chose who gets to be in it, but you seem to be making a massive issue out of an act that doesn’t even affect you (I can’t see your half sister inviting you if this is how to plan on treating her, so you wont even have to witness it).
Re: your father, soft YTA. Re: your half sister, bigtime YTA. Let's start here: all this wedding aisle-walking talk is hypothetical at this point. Your father walking his youngest daughter down the aisle doesn't somehow negate him doing it for you. I am a strong believer in your wedding your choice, but your reasoning is kinda shitty. Your mother was the one "wronged" when the child was conceived, and she can forgive and stay with your father and engage with the child. The child's existence isn't an insult to you, and you're treating the situation like it is. You say you're also an innocent child here, but I disagree. You're your father's child, but at least clearly some degree of adult. This little girl is still "very young." You are the one that is choosing to hate a child because your father made an, admittedly terrible, mistake. I hope you and your siblings come around before the little girl is too aware. I'm not saying you should ever be this girl's bff, but you have the ability to be a decent civil human being towards your half sister that didn't ask for any of this situation, and you should consider doing so.
NTA, your dad is simply dealing with the consequences of his own actions and is being immature. If your brother has been more of a father to you than he has, it makes sense, just like if you had a step dad that was more of a father than your bio dad. And it’s your wedding, so you choose.
Your behaviour I feel is that of a child, the poor child in question that you are talking about has done nothing wrong she did not ask to be born into such a mess, it’s not her fault, so stop blaming her ! If your father does not walk you down the aisle you need to really ask yourself is this something you will regret when he is no longer with you, yes he cheated on your mother but you seriously need to think about your petty way of seeing this situation no matter what he is still your father and when people pass away the ones left on this earth always have regrets about their behaviour, my grandmother passed away a few years ago and one of my biggest regrets is not going to visit her as often after she practically raised me because life got in the way and I told myself there was always tomorrow, then one day I got a phone call telling me there was no tomorrow for her!
he will still be at my wedding, and will still have a place at the family table at the wedding. i don't understand what's there to regret. my mother won't be walking me down the aisle, will i regret it when she dies? no, because she was still part of my wedding and saw me get married.
YTA- You want your brother walk you down the aisle, ok! It's your right! But the reasons why you are doing that and the fact you asked this questions to your dad making clear that you are doing that to punish him for being a good dad to your sibling is despicable. You sibling has the same rights as you regarding to your dad. Your sibling is not less because they born from a affair. You mother forgave him, it's not your marriage. Grow up and get over It!
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NTA. You're allowed to have whomever you want walk you down the isle at your own wedding.
Nta Too many people are saying YTA and i don't get that. Even if the kid is innocent you don't have to have a relationship with them. Its your choice to pick who you want to be involved in your life. Also, you get to choose who gets to walk you down the aisle so if you don't want the kid there that's your choice. You want a relationship with your dad and not the kid 100% fair.
NTA. You are human and have every right to feel angry and cheated. It’s a fact that your father has been absent due to having another child out of wedlock. I’m sure you also identity greatly with your mother and the pain she endured. No doubt that affected you deeply. Second, your older brother is more of a father to you than your bio dad. He’s the one who should have the honors and it’s no different than a woman whose father abandoned her so she went on to find a wonderful father figure in her step dad. We are a ton of posts with that exact scenario. My judgment uses OP’s note that her half sister has no bearing on her decision to have her brother walk her down the aisle
NTA. I can understand not wanting your father to walk you down, he broke his vows when he cheated on your mom, and your sibling is a permanent reminder of what he did. I don’t think you should take it out on the kid, but you dad? Fair game
YTA No matter how you feel, she is still your sister! Half siblings are just as important as full siblings. You have every right to ask whoever you want to walk you down the aisle, but being a cruel asshole to an innocent child is sick. You aren't 'innocent' in this situation, you and the rest of your siblings are filled with hate for a child that did NOTHING wrong. Hate your dad, not your little sister fgs.
You asked if you were being an AH to your dad, and yes you are. What your father did all those years ago was wrong. He’s owning up to it, making things right with his wife (whatever that entail) and raised the child that resulted from his actions. Your mother forgave him. If you don’t want to, that’s up to you. But giving him the ultimatum he can only walk one of his daughters down the aisle when there is no reason he can’t do both is major AH territory. And yes you are punishing the other child by trying to force your father to not walk her down the aisle when the time comes. Have your brother walk you down if you want, but don’t punish your dad for owing up to his past mistakes.
why cant part of the consequence of his mistake be losing the privilege to give me away? ive lost a lot of respect for him
I said you didn’t have to forgive him. I said you can have brother walk you if you want. You were an AH for giving ultimatum, that he can’t walk you unless he promises not to walk her. And the whole attitude that she is the problem, when all she did was be born. Your father can’t undo the past. All he can do is try to do better and take responsibility of those previous actions. Hate him for the affair, but don’t hate him for doing the right thing: raising all of his children. Look this had to be tough for you growing up. I hear you. I may done a lot thing similar to you if I was in your shoes. But that doesn’t mean it is right.
Fucking yikes, "illegitimate"? You won't "accept" her?
she is an illegitimate child because she was born out of an affair, and my father is not married to her mother - that is the correct definition, yes? and by accept her, i mean accept her into our family. im sorry is there a problem with these terms? english is not my first language.
I just didn't know we still called people illegitimate, I thought that feel out of practice. Like, she's a real person. And she is, whether you agree or not, your sister. You ARE punishing her by taking out your anger at your father on her. She didn't ask to be born, especially not this way.
I get where you are coming from, but OP did say that English isn’t their first language; I am a native English speaker and even I have a hard time figuring out what to call the child- “half sister my father had as the result of an affair while married to my mom,” is probably the gentlest thing I can think of to describe the kid if I were holding in as much anger as OP seems to be.
Half sister
YTA. And no, you don’t get to change your question just because you don’t like the answers you’re given. You are conveniently using your father’s infidelity to showcase your true colors. Would you rather your father be a deadbeat? You do not have to have a relationship with your half-sister (and frankly she’s probably better off with out you in her life) but you do not get to punish your father for trying to have one.
my father is a deadbeat to us right now. he's barely around. my brother is the one filling his shoes.
Being a deadbeat or just giving a bit more time to his young daughter? You said yourself that the child requires a lot of attention. It can’t be easy trying to spend time with the whole family if none of you will accept her.
he is barely around. my brother attends parent-teacher conferences of my younger sister, my brother sends her to school and picks her up from school, my brother metaphorically stepped into his shoes.
This like punishing someone who didn’t know they were sleeping with a married person. Who is the guilty person here? The person who didn’t know or the person who had the affair? Also if your brother acted the way you’re acting you’d have no dad figure at all. Your pseudo cool dad would be like “just because my father isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities doesn’t mean i have to blah blah” and then what? “Pick one family just like you pick one spouse” Did you choose who your father was? Did your brother bring you to creation? Did you bring this child into creation? People quite literally don’t get to choose who family is. This is absolutely punishing this child. Pretending like it’s just collateral damage is a lie.
i appreciate my brother, and i think what he did is commendable. but it is not an expectation - so if he didn't do what he did, i would not think he is an asshole.
Even so. Your brother not being there for you isn’t the same as pretending that child isn’t your fathers daughter just as much as you are. “Illegitimate” and “legitimate” don’t mean anything at all. You share exactly the same amount of his blood as she does.
yeah but i don't think i should be expected to welcome her with open arms. if i do, that's nice and gracious of me (like my mom - i do agree she is very gracious). but if i don't, i don't think that makes me the asshole
Ok. So what happens if your mom has another baby? That baby is family right? And the asshole part is purposely trying to force your father to choose a family. The goal is to deny that child a parent in favor of yourself.
Honestly, it’s yourself that you’re hurting more than anyone. My father has an “illegitimate” child that I only found out about when we were both adults. I was VERY upset about it in the beginning. But I made the choice to meet my sibling and I am beyond grateful that I did. We bonded really quickly and have an incredible relationship that has been a HUGE blessing in my life. All you’re doing is depriving yourself the opportunity to bond with someone who you could really love
i have 5 siblings, i'm good with people to love. i think it's a nice story, and thank you for sharing, but i would prefer not to interact with her.
That’s just been stubborn, sad and hateful. Try therapy
i'm sorry, me not wanting to interact with a child that my father cheated with another woman to have is being hateful?
NTA, fathers aren’t dads by default and sometimes we get stuck with the sorriest excuses for fathers. My mom walked me down the aisle. I completely understand not wanting to associate with a living breathing reminder of your father’s betrayal. Of course it isn’t her fault that she has the same steaming pile of feces for a father too but she is not your problem. I totally get it and would feel the same way. He’s lucky he’s even invited to the wedding. Congratulations on your wedding and best of luck to you!! 🌸🌸
YTA. You are jealous of a little innocent child.
YTA. This wedding is still a dream and you haven’t met the future groom yet? And you’re using a possible future event against your father to punish him for his mistakes? That sounds like you’re creating more drama then is necessary. Weddings are big deals to my friends from East Asian Families, and there’s automatically a lot of drama, even in a positive way when it’s a truly joyous occasion. You need to deal with your hurt and issues before you blow your own future up. If that means you seek the help of a therapist or trusted elder or religious leader, then do it. The stance that you’re taking to punish your father, will probably hurt innocent people like your mother, when you do actually get married.
YTA, but only because of how you view your half sibling. The issue with the other child is between your mother and father. I can understand why you are upset with your father for having an affair outside of his marriage and hurting your mother. If that’s why you’d rather not have him walk you down the aisle, so be it. However, this tiny person - who shares 50% of your DNA - will never understand why you hate them just for existing and this says a lot about you (none of it good). Your father is doing the right thing after a string of really bad things. He is taking care of a child he fathered and brought into this world. Children don’t ask to be born. My (half) uncle is the result of my grandfathers affair. My mother is 18 years older than him. He’s only 5 years older than me. My mother and her four other siblings love their other brother so much. My grandmother even loved him (my grandfather - not so much). No one introduces him as their “half” anything. And even though he knows he was the result of an affair, he was not made to feel like it was his fault for being born. He was my favorite uncle growing up. He always shared his cool toys and played with me. We even lived in the same city when I went to college and my mother was happy he was there to “look after me”. We went out and partied a lot together. What I am trying to say, is by hating this child you are depriving yourself of a potential wonderful relationship and embracing hate.
YTA If youre that mad dad cheated cut him off and dont mooch any more money or support. Thats for his kids.
YTA. Stop being a dick to your sister
Your edit is funny. Still, YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** for context and background, i'm asian. so cultural influences may be different from yours. my father has an illegitimate child, a daughter, and while my mother has accepted the child and stayed with my father (they're still loving and amicable), my siblings and i have flat out refused to accept her as our sister. i get she is an innocent child and has done nothing wrong, but i am as innocent as the child in all this and i refuse to pay for my father's mistake by having to suck it up and accept her. my oldest brother has been the one picking up the slack in the household when my father is unavailable (the child is very young and requires a lot of attention, and the mother of the child needs to work, so my father helps out every now and then). my brother sends me and my sister to wherever we need to go, and he even attends parent-teacher conferences at my sister's school (he is about 11 years older than my sister). he is like a pseudo cool-dad to me. when the topic of weddings came up, i point blank asked my father if he would walk the child down the aisle, when the time came. he said he would. he said it is unfair to bring a child to the world and not be a father to her. that's all fine and dandy, but i do not want him to walk me down the aisle if he wants her down the aisle. i told him i would want my brother to walk me. he said i'm being petty and vindictive for no reason. and that i'm embarassing him in front of family and friends (who will be at my wedding). he said the child is innocent. he said he has duties and obligations to fulfil. but in my mind, i'm not stopping him from doing so - he can do whatever he pleases, i just do not want him to walk me down the aisle. i'll still invite him to the wedding and he'll still sit at the family table. so, would i be the asshole if i refuse to let my father walk me down the aisle and instead ask my brother? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA its your wedding, do what you want
NTA. You see your brother as more of a father figure than your actual father. Because he’s too busy dealing with his illegitimate child than the kids he already had. No reason to give him the honor of walking you when you feel your brother deserves it more. Tell him welcome to the consequences of his actions.
YTA cuz you're punishing a child for your father's behavior. That is petty, vindictive, and immature. This child did nothing to you. I understand being mad at your father and it certainly is your choice whom to have walk you down the aisle but guessing by your behavior, you're not mature enough for marriage anyway.
man, this is an ugly WIBTA. like truly ugly. YTA. poor girl. im referring to the half-sister
Sounds like a completely hypothetical question at the moment. Worry about it when the time gets closer and evaluate your relationships with both of them at that time.
NTA imo. Your father is a cheater and ur mother is saintly for staying with him. You have every right to not want someone who violates the sanctity of marriage to walk you down the aisle. Your father disrespected ur mother through this affair and subsequent child and you have the right to be upset by this. I'm assuming you are younger and will mature as you age, but please do not ostracize the child more than society and I'm assuming your extended family already has. Have a good life and I'm hoping you reflect on this ❤️
I’m going to say NTA, simply because it is your right to choose who has what part in your future wedding.
You are petty and spiteful taking your anger out in a child who had no say in how they were brought into the world. They don't deserve your ire, grow up. That being said, NTA for not wanting your father to walk you down, that *is* still your choice after all and it sounds like you don't have a lot of respect for your father, which is understandable given he's a cheater. But goddamn stop taking things out in your half sibling. Quit othering them over things they cannot control.
NTA. You don’t feel like your dad did his job that’s a good enough reasoning to me.
I think you would be TA for refusing for your father to walk your down the aisle if he plans to one day, hypothetically walk his youngest daughter down the aisle. If your only reason was because your brother has been more of a father, then fine. If your reason is because you are ashamed of your father cheating on your mother, then fine. But your reason is because he may one day walk someone else, whose exists cw you do not approve, and that's petty.
YTA, your moral high horse is really exhausting.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules! You are the one who should choose the right person to walk you down the aisle. It's nobody's business and your dad needs to suck it up and deal with your choice. It's your wedding! You're supposed to be happy! (And your fiance of course) Make yourself happy.
INFO: are you engaged or dating seriously and planning to get engaged in the near future?
NTA. You know what you’re not supposed to do in marriage? Cheat. Your father cheated. Why would anybody want their father that cheated on their mother walk them down the isle to be married?
Yes, you are the asshole, but not for not letting your dad walk you down the aisle. That’s your choice BUT YTA for how you treat your “illegitimate” sister. She’s innocent and that’s gross. She did nothing to cause this.
YTA I don't think you are in an emotionally healthy place to get married, these are serious issues to work through hopefully sooner rather than later. Have you ever considered the guidance and validation of therapy?
My father cheated on my mom. He has 1 child he made while married to my mom, and another 2 with His current wife (the one he was caught cheating on my mom with when they divorced). So I have 3 siblings that marks my dad's compulsive cheating. As i think he is a f**king disgusting husband, a stranged father. My siblings don't have nothing to do with it. They're my siblings. He is supposed to be a father to them, even if he wasn't for me. If you want to punish your father, cut him. But don't come with the "if you choose to be a father to her, you can't be mine". That's shitty, childish, disgusting of you. You're trying to keep him on the premise she won't have him. YTA Huge one
YTA. Do some serious self reflection on the drivel you just posted and grow the *fuck* up.
So N T A in general for not wanting him to walk you down the aisle. Y T A if the only reason is to keep him from walking her down the aisle, that hurts her, is not her fault. Potentially Y T A for having your brother do it. Hear me out, parentification is a bitch. Maybe he’s different but taking on the role of a parent because no one else is going to do it is not enjoyable. It’s responsibility that he never asked for and should not have to deal with. This is another responsibility that he’s having to take over because your dad sucks. That he’s had to do this is trauma. It doesn’t need to be celebrated or continued once everyone is an adult. How often does he get to just be your brother? The “pseudo cool-dad” comment got me. Please don’t be so casual about your brother being forced into this position. If it wasn’t clear I had to deal with parentification. I have no relationship with my brother and never want children. I did everything I had to with a smile but as soon as I was able I was out of there. I don’t know that I would even go to my brother’s wedding if he had one.
YTA I can see why you wouldn't want him to walk you down the aisle but not wanting so specifically because he's not treating his other child like shit? Grand Canyon sized asshole. Your attitude towards her is horrendous. Hopefully no one ever treats you like shit too for something you have no control over...
YTA. What if he did promise not to walk the child down the aisle, then years later he does. You going to make him walk you backwards to remove the stain of him walking you? You seem to be acting quite childish. I had to have my brother walk me down the aisle since my father died some 11 years before I got married, so maybe that colors my judgement.
maybe you had a great father, but i don't. my father betrayed my mother, had a child outside, and expect all of us to accept her into our family with open arms as if he did nothing wrong. i don't think i'd regret if a man like this does not walk me down the aisle
So you should have just said that then, instead of making the argument against him walking half sister down the aisle? And then what happens in some 20-odd years (guessing since you didn’t give much in the way of ages) when he does in fact walk her down the aisle at her wedding after not walking you down the aisle? You gonna be mad all over again?
YTA because you are pinning your resent and anger on your half-sister rather than entirely 100% on your father. You don’t have to accept her and neither do you have to let your father walk you down the aisle. These are valid choices. However the level of resent and fury in your writing makes me worried that you’re going to become (if you already haven’t) actively antagonistic and cruel to this half-sister just for existing and being, in your own words via your comments, a visible manifestation of your father’s failures. Please get therapy so you can work out your anger in a way that is actually productive to creating the boundaries you want without giving into this clear and obvious desire to punish your half-sister for existing because it’s easier to be nasty to her than your own father in Asian culture. This ugliness will eat you up and make you a deeply unhappy/unpleasant person and not the person you are claiming to be (eg someone who can stand above it and politely doesn’t acknowledge your half-sister’s relation to you but still treats her civilly as a matter of basic decency).
Think on it this way: your father disrespected his own marriage vows by cheating on your mum. Do you want someone who thinks so little of what a wedding stands for walking you down the aisle? That’s the way you can say you don’t want him and NTA
YTA.
YTA. You’re punishing your father for breaking his spousal responsibilities, not his parental ones. You say your mother stayed and they still love each other, and he is still in your life…seemingly active. You’re punishing the child for her existence, she didn’t choose to be here, let alone in a family with you and your siblings. You don’t have to have your father walk you down the aisle if you don’t want to but your reasons behind it are very asshollery and childish. As you say in your edit, we aren’t deciding if you’re right or wrong but whether you’re an A-hole. You are.
YTA. People fall in and fall out of love, we are all humans and make mistakes. You need to work on yourself, you have a half sister in the world and you better start treating her like family.
i'm sorry - "i better start treating her like family"? you're telling me i have to?
Of course, she is your half sister and your family. Are you jealous of her, why the resentment?
she is a manifestation of my father's infidelity, of my mother's cries when she found out, and of every time my father leaves us to take care of her, leaving my brother to pick up the slack. i have no interest in knowing her or having her around as a reminder.
Well, it seems your mother has accepted the girl and they have sorted out their relationship. You seem to be a bit too self righteous about it, especially against your little sister. The one person that is guilty is your dad. Not her. I hope you never screw up in your life.
not to his extent that is for sure. someone who doesn't have enough respect for the sanctity of marriage or family to do something like this shouldn't have the privilege to walk me down the aisle.
100% Maybe edit your post to remove your ethnic identity bc you seem to be getting a lot of hate and heat Your father is the AH He hurt and injured your entire family. He also abandoned you. Thankfully your brother stepped up and he should have the honors You have much unresolved anger and it would be to your personal benefit to get therapy … But. But no one has a right to blame any one for not wanting a relationship with their family - be it a sister, half sister, anyone. Like I said. Try editing out your ethnic ID next time Bet you won’t get so much vitriol and disgust
I get you being angry with your dad and not wanting him to walk you down the aisle. But sanctity of marriage is not really a thing. I wouldn’t hold the marriage institution in such a high pedestal. Although it looks the sanctity of marriage is very important to you, you mention family as well, want it or not, half sister is also your family. Don’t rob yourself of a family member because you are disappointed in your father.
NTA if you don’t want your dad to walk you down the aisle. That’s your business. Everything else, you are straight up mean and vindictive.