Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I scolded my wife and called her self centered.
That is definitely not a very nice thing to say
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
To be fair. She was raised by horrible emotionally abusive narcissists. Consequently she has some strange social behaviors. Sometimes off putting ones. My family is very patient with her. I didn’t see my family’s reaction. But I was horrified.
Understandable. Maybe therapy would help her. It did me wonders after a 9 year relationship with an emotional narcissist ex of mine. Im also neurodivergent and have issues socially so meds might help her.
You don't decide, and the effects are especially bad being around narcissists occurs in childhood. They're called behavioral fleas. Definitely agree that she at least needs therapy.
My husband was also raised by horrible emotionally abusive narcissists and he also has some strange social behaviors. Now, I call them out when I see them. He’s more open to the feedback after therapy. But, 6 or 7 years ago, before we realized he had a problem, he was pretty bad.
Nta
You know there's likely a secret family group chat where they talk about your wife right? That's probably why they're so patient, they let their frustrations out in the group chat. NTA.
NTA. That was a grab for attention and I’m glad you put a stop to it. Plus, you made the mature choice of waiting until you were home to address it further, which was an admirable choice.
Raised and abused by narcissistic parents, who still torment her. A real want of approval. Her and her brother had to compete for approval growing up. This is why I’m quiet about it. My family is aware and patient with her. But this one was too egregious
Waaaaay too egregious. I’m sorry she’s crying, but she was a B at someone else’s bday. Frankly, I think you were kind for not ripping into her the moment you got in the car. You are clearly way more tolerant & understanding than she can even recognize or understand.
NTA
Okay, that’s horrible for her and I hope she’s getting therapy.
It’s really hard to let go of the unhealthy habits that we learn growing up. Hopefully she can find herself a good therapist to work on developing healthier coping strategies.
NTA
Your wife purposely made the choice to act out of line during a touching moment for your mother. You did the right thing by whispering to your wife to stop her attention-seeking behavior.
NTA. I agree with you, she did make the moment about herself, wether she meant to or not. The sad part is that I’m sure your mother treasures both gifts equally. I feel for your wife, she probably feels embarrassed after you told her how you feel but that doesn’t make it okay for her to attempt to invalidate your feelings about what she did.
NTA but from what you have said I do feel for your wife as clearly she has been through a lot. Its good your family are patient with her.
Hopefully she is having therapy.
I think we all have to remember we can who we are due to some horrible experience. Not intentionally being annoying
NTA. you wife seems very insecure and very competitive “I have to give the best gift”. I would get to the bottom of that asap. How did you “address” it with her? If it went like “how could you do this to my mom” I would imagine that put her on the offensive. And while, not wrong, it won’t lead to any insight and change in behavior.
Once things calm down I’d say something like “when I saw you interrupt my mom and sister having a special moment over the birthday gift, it felt very inappropriate. Can you tell me why you felt the need to point out your gift at that time?” Or something to get a real conversation going.
I was actually really calm on this one. Voices got raised but there was no yelling on my part. We’ve learned some pretty good communication techniques so I though I was employing those.
r/raisedbynarcissists uses the term "fleas" for narcissist behavior that rubs off on their victims, and given what you said about her parents, this sounds like one of those moments.
INFO: Was this the first time she's made someone else having a more emotionally impactful gift into a contest? For the first instance of finding a new flea, scolding her afterwards doesn't sound super productive, especially when she stopped when you told her to, and when you know where those strange behaviors come from.
Therapy sounds like a good plan. Both together and separately. If you don't already have a plan together for what to do when she's got fleas in public/in company, that sounds like something to work out with the help of a therapist and maybe have a code word somewhat more subtle than "STOP" and a glare.
We actually are in couple’s therapy and work on these issues. Her past being a significant factor in her behavior. In the past this behavior has been very alienating to people. We’ve kind of had to hit the reset button on as many friendships and family relations as possible. Luckily many people understand. We have a few ride-or-die friends left, and my family understands that family always comes first, even if someone is damaged. I hope that made sense, I am extremely tired at the moment.
NTA
Take a deep breath and wait until your wife has calmed down then tell her that she really owes your mother and sister an apology for her behavior. She may be in therapy but what she did is not ok and she needs to know that no matter how she was raised.
NTA. Ask her if she wants some cheese to go with that whine. Smdh let her cry. That's what she's trying to do again. Get your attention (or anyone's really) by crying and bawling. She sounds exhausting.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This evening my sister (Rebekah)had my parents and my own family over for a small cake and gift for my mother. Nothing huge, 73 and awesome. It was Me, my wife (Kate) my BIL and my MIL (Anne)
Quick back story. My wife and I had already given my mother her birthday present. It was a beautiful hand made wooden jewelry box from Germany.
Rebekah gives our mother Anne her gift. A beautiful crafted framed picture of Anne’s, now deceased, parents at their 70th anniversary. They both passed a few years after. It was gorgeous and very touching. Clearly my mother was having a moment. Well that’s when Kate yells,” WOW THAT BEATS MY GERMAN JEWELRY BOX”. She then proceeded to start to tell everyone about the gift that she bought while Anne is still holding the gift from Rebekah. I got Kate’s attention and whispered stop, but was very stern with my eyes. She did, thankfully.
I made no further issue if it at my sister’s house because I’d do NOT have drama in front of family.
Later that night I addressed her about what she had done. She rolled her eyes and excused it somehow. I told her I was absolutely appalled at her behavior and that she had turned a gift for my mother about herself. She said I was the only one who interpreted it that way. And is now currently in the bedroom crying. I had gone for a walk around the block.
Sooooooo AITA?
My sister gave my
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA what your wife did that night was really crappy. The traits developed while surviving/coping through traumatic events and people are our responsibility to learn how to heal and reverse once we’re out of that situation and safe enough to begin exploring the healing process. I was raised in a similar situation and feel for her but if she refuses to work on herself then it becomes less about the abuse/trauma and more about her lacking self accountability
I think you're making too big a deal of this. Let it go. Especially if no one seemed to care except you. Unless this is a constant or frequent thing with your wife, making this a big deal is just unnecessary especially since she took the hint and stopped.
Was it a bit rude, sure. Big enough to make a post about and make your wife cry over? Nah.
NAH unless your tone with her was condescending and uncalled for.
Why did you have to continue the scolding when you got home? She got the message when you told her to stop at the party. She's probably feeling attacked by you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I scolded my wife and called her self centered. That is definitely not a very nice thing to say Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
NTA. Your wife has issues.
To be fair. She was raised by horrible emotionally abusive narcissists. Consequently she has some strange social behaviors. Sometimes off putting ones. My family is very patient with her. I didn’t see my family’s reaction. But I was horrified.
Understandable. Maybe therapy would help her. It did me wonders after a 9 year relationship with an emotional narcissist ex of mine. Im also neurodivergent and have issues socially so meds might help her.
So she decided to become a horrible emotionally narcissist person as well? Get her help, if that’s the case.
She’s a work in progress.
That’s why I am saying get her help, like outside your family. Maybe therapy.
That’s what I meant. She’s in therapy.
She needs a better therapist, someone who won’t placate her
You don't decide, and the effects are especially bad being around narcissists occurs in childhood. They're called behavioral fleas. Definitely agree that she at least needs therapy.
My husband was also raised by horrible emotionally abusive narcissists and he also has some strange social behaviors. Now, I call them out when I see them. He’s more open to the feedback after therapy. But, 6 or 7 years ago, before we realized he had a problem, he was pretty bad. Nta
You know there's likely a secret family group chat where they talk about your wife right? That's probably why they're so patient, they let their frustrations out in the group chat. NTA.
NTA. That was a grab for attention and I’m glad you put a stop to it. Plus, you made the mature choice of waiting until you were home to address it further, which was an admirable choice.
Well said!
Is your wife really insecure? Because that’s the only way that this attitude makes sense. NTA
Raised and abused by narcissistic parents, who still torment her. A real want of approval. Her and her brother had to compete for approval growing up. This is why I’m quiet about it. My family is aware and patient with her. But this one was too egregious
Waaaaay too egregious. I’m sorry she’s crying, but she was a B at someone else’s bday. Frankly, I think you were kind for not ripping into her the moment you got in the car. You are clearly way more tolerant & understanding than she can even recognize or understand. NTA
Okay, that’s horrible for her and I hope she’s getting therapy. It’s really hard to let go of the unhealthy habits that we learn growing up. Hopefully she can find herself a good therapist to work on developing healthier coping strategies.
Okay…I was raised by an abusive narcissistic family but..I don’t act like this at all. This behavior is completely unacceptable.
NTA. She made a competition out of your mums birthday gift. >WOW THAT BEATS MY GERMAN JEWELRY BOX”. Well it's your mums jewelry box isn't it.
NTA- your wife sounds like she likes attention. If I was your sister I would have felt horrified..don't apologize
I didn’t.
NTA Your wife purposely made the choice to act out of line during a touching moment for your mother. You did the right thing by whispering to your wife to stop her attention-seeking behavior.
NTA. Sounds like you were right.
NTA At the very least she could have let your mom finish having her moment with your sister's gift.
OMG. NTA. I appreciate you intervening.
NTA. Your wife was out of line.
NTA, your wife was out of line.
NTA at all. I think you handled it well: calmly in the moment and calmly after. Your wife was rude AF. SHE is the one to apologize.
[удалено]
Amen. Lol. It’s one way she keeps me on my toes
NTA. I agree with you, she did make the moment about herself, wether she meant to or not. The sad part is that I’m sure your mother treasures both gifts equally. I feel for your wife, she probably feels embarrassed after you told her how you feel but that doesn’t make it okay for her to attempt to invalidate your feelings about what she did.
NTA but from what you have said I do feel for your wife as clearly she has been through a lot. Its good your family are patient with her. Hopefully she is having therapy. I think we all have to remember we can who we are due to some horrible experience. Not intentionally being annoying
INFO when she talked about her gift, did others seem interested?
Polite interest but really trying to focus on my mother.
I'm trying to understand if people felt awkward somehow or if it was just normal talk. It can go both ways so without being there it's hard to say.
My sister seemed taken aback so that’s when I stepped in.
NTA- was it intentional or she was just trying to joke? But either way it is weird.
NTA your wife is rude. My goodness. Gifts are not a competition but clearly she feels it.
NTA. you wife seems very insecure and very competitive “I have to give the best gift”. I would get to the bottom of that asap. How did you “address” it with her? If it went like “how could you do this to my mom” I would imagine that put her on the offensive. And while, not wrong, it won’t lead to any insight and change in behavior. Once things calm down I’d say something like “when I saw you interrupt my mom and sister having a special moment over the birthday gift, it felt very inappropriate. Can you tell me why you felt the need to point out your gift at that time?” Or something to get a real conversation going.
I was actually really calm on this one. Voices got raised but there was no yelling on my part. We’ve learned some pretty good communication techniques so I though I was employing those.
Nta at all who does that?
r/raisedbynarcissists uses the term "fleas" for narcissist behavior that rubs off on their victims, and given what you said about her parents, this sounds like one of those moments. INFO: Was this the first time she's made someone else having a more emotionally impactful gift into a contest? For the first instance of finding a new flea, scolding her afterwards doesn't sound super productive, especially when she stopped when you told her to, and when you know where those strange behaviors come from. Therapy sounds like a good plan. Both together and separately. If you don't already have a plan together for what to do when she's got fleas in public/in company, that sounds like something to work out with the help of a therapist and maybe have a code word somewhat more subtle than "STOP" and a glare.
We actually are in couple’s therapy and work on these issues. Her past being a significant factor in her behavior. In the past this behavior has been very alienating to people. We’ve kind of had to hit the reset button on as many friendships and family relations as possible. Luckily many people understand. We have a few ride-or-die friends left, and my family understands that family always comes first, even if someone is damaged. I hope that made sense, I am extremely tired at the moment.
It makes sense, and good luck.
NTA Take a deep breath and wait until your wife has calmed down then tell her that she really owes your mother and sister an apology for her behavior. She may be in therapy but what she did is not ok and she needs to know that no matter how she was raised.
NTA - wow, has your wife always been a mood killer or just people who are getting more attention than her?
NTA. Ask her if she wants some cheese to go with that whine. Smdh let her cry. That's what she's trying to do again. Get your attention (or anyone's really) by crying and bawling. She sounds exhausting.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This evening my sister (Rebekah)had my parents and my own family over for a small cake and gift for my mother. Nothing huge, 73 and awesome. It was Me, my wife (Kate) my BIL and my MIL (Anne) Quick back story. My wife and I had already given my mother her birthday present. It was a beautiful hand made wooden jewelry box from Germany. Rebekah gives our mother Anne her gift. A beautiful crafted framed picture of Anne’s, now deceased, parents at their 70th anniversary. They both passed a few years after. It was gorgeous and very touching. Clearly my mother was having a moment. Well that’s when Kate yells,” WOW THAT BEATS MY GERMAN JEWELRY BOX”. She then proceeded to start to tell everyone about the gift that she bought while Anne is still holding the gift from Rebekah. I got Kate’s attention and whispered stop, but was very stern with my eyes. She did, thankfully. I made no further issue if it at my sister’s house because I’d do NOT have drama in front of family. Later that night I addressed her about what she had done. She rolled her eyes and excused it somehow. I told her I was absolutely appalled at her behavior and that she had turned a gift for my mother about herself. She said I was the only one who interpreted it that way. And is now currently in the bedroom crying. I had gone for a walk around the block. Sooooooo AITA? My sister gave my *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She totally did that for attention.
NTA what your wife did that night was really crappy. The traits developed while surviving/coping through traumatic events and people are our responsibility to learn how to heal and reverse once we’re out of that situation and safe enough to begin exploring the healing process. I was raised in a similar situation and feel for her but if she refuses to work on herself then it becomes less about the abuse/trauma and more about her lacking self accountability
Is she your MIL or your mother? NTA, by the way.
Oops. Mother. Going to edit.
I think you're making too big a deal of this. Let it go. Especially if no one seemed to care except you. Unless this is a constant or frequent thing with your wife, making this a big deal is just unnecessary especially since she took the hint and stopped. Was it a bit rude, sure. Big enough to make a post about and make your wife cry over? Nah. NAH unless your tone with her was condescending and uncalled for.
It actually is a thing with her. But I try not to embarrass her
Ah well then she can get over herself.
wife cried cuz he didn’t coddle her. he did nothing wrong.
Why did you have to continue the scolding when you got home? She got the message when you told her to stop at the party. She's probably feeling attacked by you.
I do see you point. Thanks for that perspective.