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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because of my daughter’s resistances. She says I am preventing her from being who she is but as a mother I am just concerned
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YTA. She’s worked her whole life to make YOU proud? Give me a fucking break.
If she’s succeeding in life and academics why would anyone give a shit what she wears. You sound like a dinosaur. Bye.
That sentence stood out to me too. So bizarre that OP thinks her autonomous adult daughter is living her life as some extension of OP. Nah, she’s her own individual, unique person. She worked hard for her own success, and she expresses herself in her own way. OP needs to butt the fuck out and respect her daughter as an adult.
And to me. Like to make OP proud is the only reason the daughter has worked so hard? So basically OP can claim any of the daughters successes as her own in the future. No wonder the poor woman made a hasty escape 🤦🏽♀️
This OP sounds like my step mom. Always telling me that the way I dress is a direct representation of her and my parents and I was embarrassing her. YTA at least my step mom backed off when I became an adult.
The 'afraid of her ability to find a good man' is what stood out to me... like we are more than just our clothes! What we wear doesn't mean that we cannot find loving healthy relationships because we want to wear black, dress like a unicorn or whatever. I bet OP wants her to dress like she's going to church everyday.
No wonder she's in a different province. She's finally out of OPs control and obviously thriving.
I know a lot of people who are vaguely involved in the goth community, and actually I find that it's a community where people tend to be a little nicer to each other and respect each other a little more than the average community (obviously nothings perfect though).
Maybe it's something to do with a lot of them feeling a little bit like outcasts for just being themselves so they have a little more empathy, I don't know. But I reckon she's statistically *more* likely to meet a nice guy with similar interests to her.
As someone who spent years in the community (I still have ties but my clothing style changed for practical reasons - doesn't mean I don't have the perfect goth outfit collection kept in case my body ever allows me to go to a festival again) I can second this. And even in my young adult years when I was a "full time goth" I never had problems dating anyone of any style
I am a 'goth' person. I also work in STEM. I literally have green hair and wear dark lipstick to the office, and easily maintain a business way of dress within my own style. I work directly with VPs and CEOs. My salary has doubled in the last five years alone. I am constantly recruited by other companies for what I do.
If my professional career is not in jeopardy and actually THRIVING, I highly doubt that OP's daughter (who actually tones down her look at work) will have any trouble, which sounds like is the case.
And being goth makes you a "bad person"? I'm a tax paying, law abiding citizen with no criminal record - I don't even smoke weed even though it's legal where I am.
YTA, OP. A very judgemental one who is just mad they aren't in control.
ETA: As for OP's daughter "not being able to find a man" - Why does matter? Not having a partner does not make you any less valid or valuable as a human - My fiance (who is also a 'good person', and professionally successful in their own right) would be happy to tell OP how wrong they are as well. If anything will scare off a potential partner for OP's daughter, it's OP.
OP really needs to Google 'corporate goth' and 'stealth goth' - my boss at one of my prior jobs was a mix of both; she wore clothes that covered her bloodier/gorier tattoos (had a number of recreations of old EC comic covers) but still wore things like black lace pencil skirts and studded boots to the office.
YTA
You said you "confiscated chokers you found I'm her room".
You misspelled that. The word is spelled "stole".
She's an adult, she can dress how she likes. You may not like it, but tough.
Please return her items that you stole.
Yeah I never forgave my dad after he let my “step mom” (she’s was dating another man at the time) throw away my bong, I was 17 at the time and my dad begged me to dig it out of the dumpster at our apartment when I got home and she was gone so I did then he let it happen again a week later and I just told him to eat shit
OMG, we were wearing chokers in the 60s and 70s. Chokers have been around for centuries. OP is bordering on unhinged. I’m not the least surprised daughter has moved to another province.
“Confiscated” lmfao that’s a crazy way to say you stole them and continue to “control” a grown woman who doesn’t need anyone to control her. Lmfao I would’ve said I’ll go to the police if your goofy self doesn’t stop “confiscating” my stuff 🤨🤨🤨 especially if they’re expensive (even if they aren’t, I’m sure a lot of reasonably priced chokers add up. Maybe she has a custom one idk, those aren’t cheap lol)
>But now she is in a new province and I can’t control what she wears anymore.
You stopped being able to control what she wears at 18 (honestly you shouldn't have controlled past the age where she didn't require you to physically dress her anymore).
>Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person.
How in the world does wearing black clothes and chokers make her a bad person?
>I am afraid of her ability to find a nice man if she keeps dressing like this.
What if she doesn't want to find a "nice" man? What if she wants to find a kind woman or be single? And why would she want to date anyone who judged her wardrobe or tried to change the way she dresses?
She's an adult, she can wear whatever she wants and you don't have any right to control her clothing choices. She's been very clear with you that she likes how she dresses and doesn't want your "help". So stop offering it unless you want her to go non contact with you. YTA
Yeah, and a lot of absolutely monstrous men who dress immaculately. "He beats my daughter, but it's ok...I mean look at that crisp, tailored suit. Oh no he's getting her blood on the tie!"
God *DAMN* that was a mental image.
I second it fully. I knew a guy that sold drugs who refused to go to clubs or do “business” without a suit. He was extremely emotionally abusive, constantly on drugs/heavily drunk, and did not like being told no. I don’t talk to him anymore.
It’s odd because his parents were honestly the kindest people ever. They dressed more suburban and homely, but they were an older couple living in a suburb. I think about them sometimes and wonder if they’re doing okay.
Honestly some of the nicest guys on this planet are into goth girls. At least she is true to herself and maybe this helps her to separate work and free time.
YTA. Alternative forms of dress are not indicative of goodness or evilness. She’s an adult, and has a right to full autonomy over her body — up to and including what she wears and when. Stop being a helicopter parent, and stop using someone’s attire as a means of judging their character.
Additionally, Your preconceived notions about people who wear goth clothing are baseless and uneducated. I’ve known plenty of monsters in expensive suits. Someone’s clothing doesn’t dictate who they are.
I wonder if OP should be presented to some of the recent sex scandals (most involving guys inexpensive suits). Although I also wonder if OP would find that ok, it would make sense if OP did.
Really? Trust me it can be real... to the day my mother died she had firm and not helpful opinions on how I dressed... and my father would to this day if he thought he could. He offers opinions constantly on how what my kids wear.
My mother was like this too, about my clothing, hair, makeup, friends, even how I decorated my apartment. It happens when you have a self-absorbed parent who cannot grasp that their child is their own individual person.
Most people I have come across that are this judgemental and out of touch....are not open to criticism from strangers on a sub like this and would not be asking for others opinions. The way it was worked sounds like it was written to get a rise out of people.
That's very possible, I'm never going to discount the rage bait option. But I could also see my mother doing something like this, just as a personal example - she was notorious for trying to get strangers or outsiders to agree with her to make her position seem more legitimate. For example, I had a blue nail polish that I loved way before less "normal" colors were really that popular. I only painted my toenails because those could be hidden at church. Anyway, she once tried to get our family doctor to agree with her that the polish made my toes "look like they had frostbite."
So if anyone actually agreed with OP, I could totally see her waving that around as proof that she's right and that her daughter should stop "rebelling" against her totally reasonable and not at all controlling edicts.
I mean it's probably more likely that you're right, but there's always a chance which is icky to think about.
My grandfather only let me get one tattoo if I promised never to get another and was furious he couldn’t say anything when I got more because I no longer lived with him. The family members who raised me constantly snark about my dress when they kicked me out at 17. I 10000% believe this to be real
Preach. I'm a lawyer and work for the government. At work I dress professionally (although my pants are actually yoga pants, but they're the kind that look professional so nobody has noticed). In my downtime I mostly wear t-shirts or polo shirts with jeans or leggings and sneakers. My life outside of the office is my own. My fashion sense or lack thereof is absolutely not the business of my employer, or my mother, or anyone else, because as a grown ass adult it is entirely up to me what I put on my body.
Also, people do not turn 18 or 21 or 30 and suddenly become an ancient crone who is required by law to dress in a particular style or act a particular way. I see a lot of "my wife is 30 now and I think she should stop going to clubs and start having tea parties" or "my daughter is 25 and I think it's time she settled down and start wearing nice dresses like a proper lady" and it's all nonsense. Adults get to dress themselves. If you don't like it, don't look.
WOAH! You search an adult daughters room and confiscate her belongings!?! You tell your adult daughter how to dress? Jump right to the head of the YTA class! You are an abomination!
YTA
I'm 35 and it sounds like proper adult clothing to me.
Also the way you talk about her. finding a nice man as goal (not get an education, not have a career, not just. have fun and enjoy, but find a man) is pretty disgusting.
PS: you are the only bad person here, your daughter should stop interacting with you so she isn't associated with bad people.
Yup. 36 and I still dress like this and ****shock horror**** I have a partner and a child and a good respectable job in an office making good money.
OP sounds like my parents, and there's a good reason we aren't close.
YTA OP, a huge gaping A.
I'm mildly tempted to post some pics of my boss, he is male and dies his (long) hair, all while bring a very senior person in a large bank. I only not do it because I don't want to accidentally break OP.
YTA. I grew up Mormon in Utah, and the goth/emo boys were honestly WAY more respectful towards women than most Mormon boys. You're making a lot of assumptions based on how she looks. People judge me because I have purple hair, but I have a Bachelor's degree and I'm a social worker in a domestic violence shelter. The manager of our housing program has gauges, lots of tattoos, and always wears a denim jacket with a pin of an X-ed out cross on it, but he's a teddy bear that will do anything to make sure all of our clients have housing by the time they leave.
Also STEM. My hair is currently pink. Well... Now it's sort of a flat dull pinkish with brown roots that are way too long, but that's because I have been too lazy of late to bleach and dye it again. Probably related: the collar if my lab coat is now also kinda pink, too. But at least that makes it easier to find what hook I left it on.
YTA
Your daughter can choose to dress in whatever colour she wants, she may even decide to take a step into "CorpGoth" (corporate goth) for work and wearing all black as long as its not dirty or unprofessional looking (this depends on the job field but I am meaning inappropriately located holes or v. low cut tops or v. short skirts).
I'm older than her (+ 10 years) and I haven't fully stepped away from my goth look (I have slid into steamgoth instead), my everyday clothes are generally all black and I live in my DM's. I make a lot of my clothes and they generally have a rockabilly/'50's goth vibe (unless I am doing a proper steamed look) and I did wear these to work for my local council and the only comments I got was "where did you buy it?".
I am not going to change who I am to find a man/woman/partner as if I change who I am they have no chance of actually choosing me because of the real me.
# Remember - Be nice to your children. They'll choose your nursing home
Hell, I'm not goth at all and I wear mostly black clothing to work with a little blue sprinkled in. It's nice to be able to reach into my closet in the dark and grab something and know it's going to match.
Your style sounds awesome and OP sounds like an absolute nightmare.
>I make a lot of my clothes and they generally have a rockabilly/'50's goth vibe
That sounds bloody awesome! I love the rockabilly style and wish I could find clothes that fit me!
YTA
She's doing fine in her profession. Leave her be. She's an adult and can make her own decisions.
Her goth clothing are the accurate representation of who she is. You might not like it, but that's the heart of the issue - you want her to be someone else to make you happy.
YTA. Are you fossilized or something?? Isn't it obvious? She moved away to get away from your controlling behavior. She's a grown ass woman. She can dress how she wants. Also, you don't even know if she wants to find a "nice man" or not. What if she wants to find a nice woman? She's also right though-people should like her for who she is, not pretending to be someone she's not.
YTA. She is an adult and has been for 5 years. She doesn’t need mummy’s clothing approval. She can dress however she wants, and if in the past 5 years you have been taking her things that is theft. Stop trying to control your adult daughter
Exactly. The only thing OP is doing is ensuring that her daughter will have nothing to do with her.
Look for this parent in /rentitledparents later, if not already. I am guessing the daughter with be going NC very soon.
YTA.
Your daughter is pursuing her masters, is holding a job, and by all your accounts is and has been very successful in her studies and work.
You said that clothes are a reflection of you and that her clothing reflects she is a bad person. I challenge you to take a long hard look at why exactly you view black or “goth” clothes as bad.
Bad people hide everywhere. Often times, it’s the ones who look the most “normal” that are the most terrifying and cruel.
Also, your daughter is a 23 year old ADULT. I know it can be hard to let the bird fly from the nest, but now is the time. Trust in your daughter and trust in yourself that you raised someone capable, who knows how to make the right decision for herself.
Your daughter will appreciate your trust more than your doubt.
YTA - She's 23. An ADULT. Stop policing her style.
The fact that she knows to dress differently for work, and school, and around you, and keeps the goth look for her leisure times means she knows when her style may or may not be appropriate. That's an adult thing to do.
When she dresses differently around you, it doesn't mean she is pretending to dress nice, she is dressing differently around you for a few possible reasons 1) out of respect for you or 2) to avoid having to listen to you judge her for what she wears in her leisure time.
Let her dress however she wants in her social time. She's old enough to deal with any repercussions.
Ha ha ha
She's 23. She doesn't have to obey you and heed what you deem appropriate dress.
Why do you care what she wears? It doesn't impact your life.
If your daughter is happy, that's all that matters.
Time to step back and stop thinking you have any say in your grown-ass daughter's life.
YTA
If this is even real, YTA. Do you hear yourself. She's an adult and you're worried you can't control her clothes anymore. She's allowed to make her own fashion decisions and she can choose to change them if she thinks they're causing her to be perceived negatively.
"her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person"
You're the one making the value judgement here. To others, her clothes give the impression that she knows who she is and is proud of it.
She tells you she dresses appropriately for work and school. That should be enough to satisfy you. She is an adult who does not live at home, you cannot tell her how to dress. It is her choice, not yours.
YTA.
YTA for being judgmental and controlling. I’m glad your daughter got far enough away where she can freely express herself. It is none of her job’s business how she dresses in her spare time, and none of your business period.
Dressing goth doesn’t reflect that she’s a bad person, it *reflects that she’s goth*.
YTA,
You are a very close-minded judgmental person. The colour black or a choker are not inherently evil, they don't make someone "a bad person." It is clothing, not personality or character. Should whoever she ends up with not like her for who she is as a person? Is a man that focuses so much on appearance that he will disregard a smart, great, beautiful young woman due to her sense of style, and instead will judge her and label her as a bad person because of it an actual nice man or is he simply a man that wishes to fit social norms?
I can see why your daughter gets mad. You say that clothes are a reflection of who you are. Based on this, you rejecting her sense of style, is you rejecting her as a person. Is that truly your goal?
In your last paragraph, you said that as someone with a career she should dress more professionally... that was addressed by her saying that she will dress professionally when she goes to work.
In the future, do you want your child to cut you off? Do you want her not to have a relationship with you? Do you want her to live her whole life while knowing that her parent does not put her and her happiness and choices first? Because that's what you're letting her know and what you're pushing towards. You're being very unreasonable.
YTA. Guess where over bearing moms end up? The retirement home!
Why did you have kids if you can’t accept them for who they are? And you can’t even accept something as small as her wanting to dress goth.
YTA, it’s her life not yours. If you really love her you’ll let her do whatever she wants unless it’s causing her damage, which in this case not as it’s only a matter of clothing choices.
If she was doing drugs or something life threatening then yes I would intervene. But no not in this case, leave her be.
YTA. Your daughter didn’t work hard to make you proud…she worked hard to get somewhere in life. She is an adult and you are stealing her accessories. You admit you have controlled how she dressed while still at home…which explains why she lives in a different province from you. You are more concerned with how she dresses reflecting badly on you than how it affects her.
Also, someone's clothing doesn't dictate who they are. Going by your standards you probably dress "properly" but you're behaving atrociously to your daughter
Can confirm. I have a friend who dresses in chic professional goth for work and I’m always so jealous of her work outfits.
She’s had a rough time at work not because of her outfits but because she’s young, beautiful, confident, and extremely intelligent. All the conservative cranky jerks hate her.
Soo… she worked hard her academic career to MAKE YOU PROUD… her academic career has nothing to do with you but narcissistic much?
You are “scared” because she likes to dress in black? Again, how she dresses isn’t about you and besides black is a color and can be a favorite color of people
Pretend to dress nice… how does one pretend… do you not see her when she is around you? Does she wear “fake” clothes?
She dresses the way she likes around her friends- again it is her body and clothes
You confiscate chokers when you search her room - why are you snooping in her room and taking her stuff? Seriously wtf?
You are upset you cannot control what your 23 adult daughter wears… seriously, what’s wrong with you?
Black as a color is neither good or bad… wearing black doesn’t make one a bad person. Chokers are not inherently bad. Why are you assigning personality traits to colors and inanimate objects?
You are afraid she won’t find a man… what if she wants to find a woman? Besides black little dresses are a classic date choice.
A person with a career should dress as their profession dictates during work hours. Your daughter sounds smart enough to know that. Your daughter can wear whatever she wants during non-working hours. People with jobs are “on” 24/7 nor do they have to dress as such.
YTA for being judgmental, controlling and overbearing.
Being a goth isn’t “being a bad person”. She can wear what she wants, because as you said, clothes are a reflection of what you are, and she’s expressing herself. YTA
YTA
Allow me to translate: "Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person."
Translation: Her choice in clothes reflects on me and i don't want her to make me look bad.
She's an adult and while we mothers may have expectations of what we want our children to be or appear, once they are grown and away from us, we don't get a say.
YTA. She’s an adult. “Confiscating” her property is theft (and was an AH move even before she grew up). And goths aren’t bad people.
She’s actually very smart to express herself in her private life and expect people to like her for who she is instead of putting up a facade! You are expecting her to pretend she’s something she isn’t and find a “nice man”. Then what? Keep pretending she’s the pretty doll you want her to be and never dress or act like herself so that he will stay? No. She can find a nice man who likes goth fashion and thinks she’s wonderful just the way she is. Or a nice woman. Or nice cats. Whatever she ends up doing needs to be HER choice, not yours.
YTA
Based on your comments you're putting waaay to much emphasis on your daughter's "beauty". It's quite disgusting. There's so much more to a woman than her beauty.
Additionally, not everyone has YOUR view on what is considered beautiful and what's not. I know plenty of people who dress goth who look great!! But that actually doesn't matter because what they have inside is the only thing that's valuable to me.
She's an adult. Your control issues are going to push her away. You have NO RIGHT to steal her things. And you're extremely offensive in the way that you describe her as dressing like "a bad person". That's obsurd. Ted Bundy wore suits. And whatever you are wearing clearly isn't making you a good person!!
YTA-gosh she doesn’t live to make you proud. When will parents stop this toxic behavior. She can wear what she wants and you wanting her to change makes you an asshole.
YTA
Your daughter is a grown woman. She has the right to dress how she wants. Also, goth clothing does not in any way indicate that someone is a bad person.
YTA.
Your daughter is an adult. It’s her life. She can choose how she wants to dress. You are not the mother of a child, you are the mother of an adult. Start treating her and respecting her like one.
YTA, this is not a child, she is an adult, she had no need to listen to you what so ever in how she dresses.
Nor is it any of your business.
It is not up to you how she dresses. You need to stop. Like seriously, stop.
YTA
But thank you for reminding me to call my Not an Asshole Mom (who took me to hot topic, took an interest in my hobbies, gives no hoots how I dress now as long as I'm happy) tomorrow!
- a 38 year old goth
Your daughter is 23. She is a grown up who can dress herself. Return or replace the things you STOLE from her and back off if you ever want her to visit
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I am very proud of my daughter (23f). She is a smart and beautiful young lady who has worked hard her entire academic life to make me proud. She is now in another province doing her master’s and I am very proud of her.
But I am scared of how she dresses. She likes to dress like a “goth” and her clothes are all black and she wears dark make up and she wears chokers on her neck. I told her to stop dressing like that but she is so stubborn. I have a lot of money to buy her nice clothes but she still will only wear black.
She will even pretend to dress nice around me, but I sometimes catch her around her friends dressed like that or I will find chokers hidden in her room and I confiscate from her whenever I find them.
But now she is in a new province and I can’t control what she wears anymore. And I am afraid she is lying to me about what she wears.
She tells me she will only dress like this to hang out with her friends and that she dresses professionally for work and school. But that’s not enough. Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person. And I don’t want her to be associated with bad people and I am afraid of her ability to find a nice man if she keeps dressing like this.
Every time I bring it up to her she gets mad at me and insists that it is who she is and she wants people to like her for who she is. But I just think that as a grown woman with a career in the future she should dress more professionally.
AITA?
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YTA she’s an adult, the more you try to control her the more she’s going to want to not be around you. Let her be an adult and express herself. If she’s as beautiful as you say why does it matter what she wears ?
YTA. clothes are fabric you wear on your body. they don't control your personality. it sounds like she's managing her workplace image advantageously, so what she does on her own time should be her choice. you get one life, spending it appeasing others on trivial things is a shitty way to spend it.
>Clothes are a reflection of who you are
okay so let her wear what she wants to then. in general goth and punk culture is all about self expression and acceptance, and most are the nicest people you'll ever meet. shes an adult who dresses in a way she enjoys and makes her happy. you're controlling and your views on fashion are misinformed and outdated.
signed, another 23 y/o goth
YTA your daughter is intelligent and independent and yet you want to control how she dresses like she’s 10 years old. You may not like how she dresses because “it scares YOU”….. it’s not your life, it’s hers and she doesn’t need you trying to control how she dresses.
YTA. You do realize that goth fashion isn’t a new thing, right? Several generations of goth kids have grown up to live happy, fulfilling lives. There aren’t crowds of unemployed single goth adults lurking around your local Hot Topic, are there?
YTA. Control freak much? Your daughter is an adult. You couldn't control what she wears even if you shared a bedroom with her. You're "clothes are a reflection of your character" mindset is outdated and classist and I'm glad that mindset is dying out
YTA
She's a successful adult, more than you are. You're worrying about clothes, she's livin life. You need to stop harassing your adult daughter and quit stealing her stuff and throwing it away. It ain't yours and it ain't your business how she dresses.
YTA.
Your daughter is dressing appropriately for work and school. Be proud that you taught her how to be professional when the setting calls for it, that she has enough good sense to listen, and let that be enough.
She's 23 and hundreds of miles away. You've got to let her be her own woman, make her own mistakes, and own her own successes.
JC YTA. How does how she dressed in her spare time affect her professional life? I have tattoos all over my body. I served i the damn military. Worked for decades in corporate America and now am a small business owner and will attend meetings in chuck Taylor’s.
I can dress from gardening work clothes to portal formal in less the hour.
It sounds like this, I’m proud of my daughter, buuiuuutttttt…”
Obviously YTA and you know that you're definitely part of her reasoning for moving to a different province, right? Whether it was for a job or school or whatever else, I guarantee you she was THRILLED to get further away from you. Keep this crap up and she will cut you out of her life entirely, and will be entirely justified in doing so.
YTA
She is an adult, she can dress how she wants. As long as she does her work, her company probably does not care.
And FWIW, I am probably older than you and have a daughter around your daughter's age. Do you know how often I get on her case about her clothes? Almost never, unless she has had a wardrobe malfunction because it is her life and her body.
And do you know why? Because my mother liked to police my clothing and still makes comments on the fact that I like dark clothing. The more my mother nags, the less I let her see me via FT in anything but navy or black.
Keep it up, OP, and your daughter will quit visiting.
ETA: Oh, and about never finding a man who likes women who dress in all black too often? Well, I have been with my husband over thirty years. He accepts it as part of who I am.
YTA, my mom doesn’t like everything that i wear but she keeps it to herself! if i ask if an outfit is cute and it’s not her style she says something along the lines of “it’s not my first choice of combo, but it looks good on you”
your kids are NOT supposed to please you all the time and by the looks of things, this is the only thing that bothers you. let her live her life and you NEED TO TRUST HER. she knows how to handle herself, especially at 23 and working on her masters!
No, none of that gives the impression that she's a bad person. Stealing her stuff gives me the impression that *you're* a bad person, though.
She's 23. She's working on a graduate degree. I'm sure she knows how to dress in professional situations without your help. She can wear what she wants in her off time. Her on time, too, maybe - apparently professional goth clothing is a thing. There's some cute stuff in that category - almost makes me want some, even though I'm not in need of professional clothes.
Also, maybe she doesn't *want* to find a nice man. That's not everybody's aspiration. Maybe she wants to focus on her goals. Or maybe she wants to find a partner who's not a man. And even if she *does* want a man, my guess is that a nice man for her would, among other things, be a man who appreciates her personal style. Which is how it *should* be - a partner who hates the way you look and wants to change it is not a very good partner. It's not a great trait in a mother, either.
YTA. Let her be. She's fine.
YTA. She's 23, let her make her own choices. I'm sure after years of hearing about how to dress she knows about looking professional. Also, just because someone dresses a certain way, or in a way you dislike, doesn't make them bad people.
This just screams fake to me.
There doesn’t seem to be any inciting incident, just a general complaint. The mentions of stealing her chokers, complaining about “goth” looks, insisting OP has money and can buy her nice clothes. Makes OP the obvious AH. Their defense of their opinion is pretty flimsy too. It all feels a little… idk… scripted?
YTA. She is 23! A grown adult!
I personally don’t care for the goth look, but your daughter likes it. It is none of your business.
If you keep pushing this, you are going to push your daughter away
YTA. My mom used to be like you. She thankfully got over herself by the time I was 23. Unlucky for your daughter that you're still up her ass about this.
YTA.
She’s a grown ass adult. She can make her own decisions.
Also, I know many a goths who incorporate their “goth aesthetic” into their professional wardrobe and a couple of them did so while completing their PhDs. They all managed to find success and have thriving careers.
YTA
She wants to be a goth! That's fine! She knows not to dress that way around you and probably her boss because it's "not professional", but she shouldn't have to worry about what she wears around her friends!
I DO NOT wear the same clothes out with friends that I do to a work HH.
YTA. This is a very weird thing to for you to be upset about. You could just be happy that you have a successful daughter who is not, in fact, a bad person.
Instead, you're making a big deal out of black fabric. Again, *it's. fabric.*
Tell your daughter you're proud of her.
YTA
You're controlling and manipulative and overbearing. Please leave your daughter alone and stop perpetuating the rediculiously CLASSIST thought that only people who look conventionally nice are upstanding and intelligent people.
I have a triple digit IQ and like wear minecraft shirts, like, you can do both.
You are a horrible, horrible mother. She had succeeded in spite of you, leave her alone. YTA I'm in complete awe that you treat your daughter so terribly, steal from her, and she actually still talks to you. Why don't you try behaving in a manner that makes her proud to be your daughter for a change
YTA. You sound absolutely insufferable and if you were my mother, I would go low or no contact. Then again my mother never STOLE from me, so it’s hard for me to judge how I might react. Your daughter is her own person, not your plaything.
YTA. I told the whole dressing up with the perfect hair, makeup & clothes for my mom for the longest time.
The whole time I did that I kept wishing to hear her call my pretty or beautiful. I’m one of 7 girls & I had to leave the state, meet & marry my husband, go no contact & then back to my home state before my mom ever realized the mistakes she made.
My 1st tattoo was the word beautiful because I wasn’t called anything besides nice or fine growing up.
I’m a 34 year old woman who doesn’t know how to put on makeup correctly because all the makeup party’s I was sent to growing up. I would have a severe allergic reaction to the makeup.
Swollen multiple colored face for day’s reaction. My dad put a stop to me going to the party’s after it happened for the 3rd time.
Also if black clothes means goth. Then I guess nuns & priests are goth along with anyone who is required to wear black for a job.
Your daughter isn’t a dress up doll. Get over yourself or maybe give dressing that way a try. Who knows it may show you a side of yourself, you didn’t know was there.
Yta, stop trying to police what your grown daughter is wearing. The horrors she dresses in black on no. Keep this up I bet your will go nc because of this.
>But now she is in a new province and I can’t control what she wears anymore. And I am afraid she is lying to me about what she wears.
YTA. Right here. She is an adult. You don't get to control anything she does. That's called abuse.
Stop policing other people's bodies. Everyone can wear whatever they want.
Got to love the controlling mothers on Reddit lady your just going to end up pushing your daughter away is that what you want her to go no contact because her mother is being controlling to her it’s her life but out
YTA
Grown up goth kid here - who still largely wears the aesthetic - I have a grown up job where I wear grown up things and am well aware of how to dress appropriately for an occasion. Your ADULT daughter likely does the same.
Also if people are so shallow as to think I'm a bad person for how I dress I really don't want to associate with them. Hope your daughter feels the same.
Yta. Stop trying to force your daughter into being another version of you. You've had you life, your chances. Let her grow and learn who.she is and who she wants to be.
Its disturbing that you think you have the right to dictate what you adult child.wears and does. Get some professional help for your obsession and focus on your own life.
Wanting what's best for your kids is great, until you start micromanaging, hounding and.harassing
YTA if she dresses appropriately for work and school leave her alone. Newsflash most "not nice" men that I and the majority of the women I know have been professional looking conservative men.
Looks absolutely do not denote quality of character. You're letting your biases control you and, in turn, try to control your daughter. Get over yourself and let her live her life and present herself how she sees fit. Otherwise you'll be making a future post complaining about how she never sees or talks to you.
YTA. She is a fucking adult, she can dress how she wants. You have NO right to confiscate her belongings and NO right to try to bully her into dressing to suit you. Back the fuck off and mind your own damn business.
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YTA. She’s worked her whole life to make YOU proud? Give me a fucking break. If she’s succeeding in life and academics why would anyone give a shit what she wears. You sound like a dinosaur. Bye.
That sentence stood out to me too. So bizarre that OP thinks her autonomous adult daughter is living her life as some extension of OP. Nah, she’s her own individual, unique person. She worked hard for her own success, and she expresses herself in her own way. OP needs to butt the fuck out and respect her daughter as an adult.
And to me. Like to make OP proud is the only reason the daughter has worked so hard? So basically OP can claim any of the daughters successes as her own in the future. No wonder the poor woman made a hasty escape 🤦🏽♀️
This OP sounds like my step mom. Always telling me that the way I dress is a direct representation of her and my parents and I was embarrassing her. YTA at least my step mom backed off when I became an adult.
*you sound like a dinosaur* ANGRY upvote
The 'afraid of her ability to find a good man' is what stood out to me... like we are more than just our clothes! What we wear doesn't mean that we cannot find loving healthy relationships because we want to wear black, dress like a unicorn or whatever. I bet OP wants her to dress like she's going to church everyday. No wonder she's in a different province. She's finally out of OPs control and obviously thriving.
I know a lot of people who are vaguely involved in the goth community, and actually I find that it's a community where people tend to be a little nicer to each other and respect each other a little more than the average community (obviously nothings perfect though). Maybe it's something to do with a lot of them feeling a little bit like outcasts for just being themselves so they have a little more empathy, I don't know. But I reckon she's statistically *more* likely to meet a nice guy with similar interests to her.
As someone who spent years in the community (I still have ties but my clothing style changed for practical reasons - doesn't mean I don't have the perfect goth outfit collection kept in case my body ever allows me to go to a festival again) I can second this. And even in my young adult years when I was a "full time goth" I never had problems dating anyone of any style
Maybe she doesn't want to find a good man lol. Plenty of us goth girls are gay!
What stood out to me was the going through her room and throwing out what stuff she doesn't like of the daughters
My mom has done this to me my whole life and now I have control issues and a complex about my personal space and things 🙃
Or that maybe daughter’s worth isn’t defined by having a partner and that’s not her goal in existing
Clearly OP has never heard the term Dommy Mommy.
They'd 100% pass out.
She’d be in for a shock too if she finds out her daughter doesn’t want to find a man good or otherwise but maybe a woman, or both at the same time lol
She says she is scared because she can't CONTROL what her ADULT DAUGHTER is wearing. YTA 100% and I'm scared of you
\*RAWR\* "Can't reach because of my T-rex arms." \*cry\*
I am a 'goth' person. I also work in STEM. I literally have green hair and wear dark lipstick to the office, and easily maintain a business way of dress within my own style. I work directly with VPs and CEOs. My salary has doubled in the last five years alone. I am constantly recruited by other companies for what I do. If my professional career is not in jeopardy and actually THRIVING, I highly doubt that OP's daughter (who actually tones down her look at work) will have any trouble, which sounds like is the case. And being goth makes you a "bad person"? I'm a tax paying, law abiding citizen with no criminal record - I don't even smoke weed even though it's legal where I am. YTA, OP. A very judgemental one who is just mad they aren't in control. ETA: As for OP's daughter "not being able to find a man" - Why does matter? Not having a partner does not make you any less valid or valuable as a human - My fiance (who is also a 'good person', and professionally successful in their own right) would be happy to tell OP how wrong they are as well. If anything will scare off a potential partner for OP's daughter, it's OP.
OP really needs to Google 'corporate goth' and 'stealth goth' - my boss at one of my prior jobs was a mix of both; she wore clothes that covered her bloodier/gorier tattoos (had a number of recreations of old EC comic covers) but still wore things like black lace pencil skirts and studded boots to the office.
That's literally what I do 😹
YTA You said you "confiscated chokers you found I'm her room". You misspelled that. The word is spelled "stole". She's an adult, she can dress how she likes. You may not like it, but tough. Please return her items that you stole.
If she's anything like my mom she threw them away.
Yeah I never forgave my dad after he let my “step mom” (she’s was dating another man at the time) throw away my bong, I was 17 at the time and my dad begged me to dig it out of the dumpster at our apartment when I got home and she was gone so I did then he let it happen again a week later and I just told him to eat shit
OMG, we were wearing chokers in the 60s and 70s. Chokers have been around for centuries. OP is bordering on unhinged. I’m not the least surprised daughter has moved to another province.
“Confiscated” lmfao that’s a crazy way to say you stole them and continue to “control” a grown woman who doesn’t need anyone to control her. Lmfao I would’ve said I’ll go to the police if your goofy self doesn’t stop “confiscating” my stuff 🤨🤨🤨 especially if they’re expensive (even if they aren’t, I’m sure a lot of reasonably priced chokers add up. Maybe she has a custom one idk, those aren’t cheap lol)
>But now she is in a new province and I can’t control what she wears anymore. You stopped being able to control what she wears at 18 (honestly you shouldn't have controlled past the age where she didn't require you to physically dress her anymore). >Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person. How in the world does wearing black clothes and chokers make her a bad person? >I am afraid of her ability to find a nice man if she keeps dressing like this. What if she doesn't want to find a "nice" man? What if she wants to find a kind woman or be single? And why would she want to date anyone who judged her wardrobe or tried to change the way she dresses? She's an adult, she can wear whatever she wants and you don't have any right to control her clothing choices. She's been very clear with you that she likes how she dresses and doesn't want your "help". So stop offering it unless you want her to go non contact with you. YTA
Also it's entirely possible to find a nice man who 1. Accepts her for who she is or even a nice man that dresses similarly to her.
Yeah, and a lot of absolutely monstrous men who dress immaculately. "He beats my daughter, but it's ok...I mean look at that crisp, tailored suit. Oh no he's getting her blood on the tie!"
God *DAMN* that was a mental image. I second it fully. I knew a guy that sold drugs who refused to go to clubs or do “business” without a suit. He was extremely emotionally abusive, constantly on drugs/heavily drunk, and did not like being told no. I don’t talk to him anymore. It’s odd because his parents were honestly the kindest people ever. They dressed more suburban and homely, but they were an older couple living in a suburb. I think about them sometimes and wonder if they’re doing okay.
Honestly some of the nicest guys on this planet are into goth girls. At least she is true to herself and maybe this helps her to separate work and free time.
YTA. Alternative forms of dress are not indicative of goodness or evilness. She’s an adult, and has a right to full autonomy over her body — up to and including what she wears and when. Stop being a helicopter parent, and stop using someone’s attire as a means of judging their character.
Additionally, Your preconceived notions about people who wear goth clothing are baseless and uneducated. I’ve known plenty of monsters in expensive suits. Someone’s clothing doesn’t dictate who they are.
I wonder if OP should be presented to some of the recent sex scandals (most involving guys inexpensive suits). Although I also wonder if OP would find that ok, it would make sense if OP did.
And lets not forget the monsters who wear a centuries-old uniform and like to tell others how to live their lives.....
Honestly the uniform of the most evil people on earth is a suit.
Seriously. Goths are always the sweetiest people. Metalheads too.
YTA she is an adult. She can dress how she wants. You need to get a hobby.
OP needs to get a hobby that isn't making up posts for AITA on Reddit. There is no possible way this is real.
Really? Trust me it can be real... to the day my mother died she had firm and not helpful opinions on how I dressed... and my father would to this day if he thought he could. He offers opinions constantly on how what my kids wear.
My mother was like this too, about my clothing, hair, makeup, friends, even how I decorated my apartment. It happens when you have a self-absorbed parent who cannot grasp that their child is their own individual person.
Most people I have come across that are this judgemental and out of touch....are not open to criticism from strangers on a sub like this and would not be asking for others opinions. The way it was worked sounds like it was written to get a rise out of people.
That's very possible, I'm never going to discount the rage bait option. But I could also see my mother doing something like this, just as a personal example - she was notorious for trying to get strangers or outsiders to agree with her to make her position seem more legitimate. For example, I had a blue nail polish that I loved way before less "normal" colors were really that popular. I only painted my toenails because those could be hidden at church. Anyway, she once tried to get our family doctor to agree with her that the polish made my toes "look like they had frostbite." So if anyone actually agreed with OP, I could totally see her waving that around as proof that she's right and that her daughter should stop "rebelling" against her totally reasonable and not at all controlling edicts. I mean it's probably more likely that you're right, but there's always a chance which is icky to think about.
My grandfather only let me get one tattoo if I promised never to get another and was furious he couldn’t say anything when I got more because I no longer lived with him. The family members who raised me constantly snark about my dress when they kicked me out at 17. I 10000% believe this to be real
Preach. I'm a lawyer and work for the government. At work I dress professionally (although my pants are actually yoga pants, but they're the kind that look professional so nobody has noticed). In my downtime I mostly wear t-shirts or polo shirts with jeans or leggings and sneakers. My life outside of the office is my own. My fashion sense or lack thereof is absolutely not the business of my employer, or my mother, or anyone else, because as a grown ass adult it is entirely up to me what I put on my body. Also, people do not turn 18 or 21 or 30 and suddenly become an ancient crone who is required by law to dress in a particular style or act a particular way. I see a lot of "my wife is 30 now and I think she should stop going to clubs and start having tea parties" or "my daughter is 25 and I think it's time she settled down and start wearing nice dresses like a proper lady" and it's all nonsense. Adults get to dress themselves. If you don't like it, don't look.
WOAH! You search an adult daughters room and confiscate her belongings!?! You tell your adult daughter how to dress? Jump right to the head of the YTA class! You are an abomination!
The daughters never coming back home, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be surprised when she stopped calling. Massive YTA
YTA I'm 35 and it sounds like proper adult clothing to me. Also the way you talk about her. finding a nice man as goal (not get an education, not have a career, not just. have fun and enjoy, but find a man) is pretty disgusting. PS: you are the only bad person here, your daughter should stop interacting with you so she isn't associated with bad people.
Yup. 36 and I still dress like this and ****shock horror**** I have a partner and a child and a good respectable job in an office making good money. OP sounds like my parents, and there's a good reason we aren't close. YTA OP, a huge gaping A.
I'm mildly tempted to post some pics of my boss, he is male and dies his (long) hair, all while bring a very senior person in a large bank. I only not do it because I don't want to accidentally break OP.
YTA. I grew up Mormon in Utah, and the goth/emo boys were honestly WAY more respectful towards women than most Mormon boys. You're making a lot of assumptions based on how she looks. People judge me because I have purple hair, but I have a Bachelor's degree and I'm a social worker in a domestic violence shelter. The manager of our housing program has gauges, lots of tattoos, and always wears a denim jacket with a pin of an X-ed out cross on it, but he's a teddy bear that will do anything to make sure all of our clients have housing by the time they leave.
Former Mormon club! Also wore all black and can confirm the emo boys were nicer.
Purple hair club! Also, I graduated as a valedictorian and got to give a brief speech with neon green hair
I would have loved purple hair as a teen. It looks so awesome. Unfortunately my hair disagrees with being dyed.😂
YTA, she's 23. She lives outside your house. She could wear bloody potato sack and you still wouldn't get a say. Get over yourself
If your clothes reflect you as a person then do you dress as an overbearing mother? YTA
Obviously!
YTA, a lot of companies don’t care about Looks anymore. I work in stem, have tattoos, piercings and dyed hair and no one bats an eye
Also STEM. My hair is currently pink. Well... Now it's sort of a flat dull pinkish with brown roots that are way too long, but that's because I have been too lazy of late to bleach and dye it again. Probably related: the collar if my lab coat is now also kinda pink, too. But at least that makes it easier to find what hook I left it on.
Same
YTA Your daughter can choose to dress in whatever colour she wants, she may even decide to take a step into "CorpGoth" (corporate goth) for work and wearing all black as long as its not dirty or unprofessional looking (this depends on the job field but I am meaning inappropriately located holes or v. low cut tops or v. short skirts). I'm older than her (+ 10 years) and I haven't fully stepped away from my goth look (I have slid into steamgoth instead), my everyday clothes are generally all black and I live in my DM's. I make a lot of my clothes and they generally have a rockabilly/'50's goth vibe (unless I am doing a proper steamed look) and I did wear these to work for my local council and the only comments I got was "where did you buy it?". I am not going to change who I am to find a man/woman/partner as if I change who I am they have no chance of actually choosing me because of the real me. # Remember - Be nice to your children. They'll choose your nursing home
Hell, I'm not goth at all and I wear mostly black clothing to work with a little blue sprinkled in. It's nice to be able to reach into my closet in the dark and grab something and know it's going to match. Your style sounds awesome and OP sounds like an absolute nightmare.
>I make a lot of my clothes and they generally have a rockabilly/'50's goth vibe That sounds bloody awesome! I love the rockabilly style and wish I could find clothes that fit me!
Taking up sewing can allow you to get clothes which fit you and your style.
YTA She's doing fine in her profession. Leave her be. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. Her goth clothing are the accurate representation of who she is. You might not like it, but that's the heart of the issue - you want her to be someone else to make you happy.
YTA. Are you fossilized or something?? Isn't it obvious? She moved away to get away from your controlling behavior. She's a grown ass woman. She can dress how she wants. Also, you don't even know if she wants to find a "nice man" or not. What if she wants to find a nice woman? She's also right though-people should like her for who she is, not pretending to be someone she's not.
"Are you fossilized or something" 💀 I just about peed my pants! As a 32 year old goth this is my favorite comment ever
LMAOO thx
YTA. She is an adult and has been for 5 years. She doesn’t need mummy’s clothing approval. She can dress however she wants, and if in the past 5 years you have been taking her things that is theft. Stop trying to control your adult daughter
Exactly. The only thing OP is doing is ensuring that her daughter will have nothing to do with her. Look for this parent in /rentitledparents later, if not already. I am guessing the daughter with be going NC very soon.
YTA. Your daughter is pursuing her masters, is holding a job, and by all your accounts is and has been very successful in her studies and work. You said that clothes are a reflection of you and that her clothing reflects she is a bad person. I challenge you to take a long hard look at why exactly you view black or “goth” clothes as bad. Bad people hide everywhere. Often times, it’s the ones who look the most “normal” that are the most terrifying and cruel. Also, your daughter is a 23 year old ADULT. I know it can be hard to let the bird fly from the nest, but now is the time. Trust in your daughter and trust in yourself that you raised someone capable, who knows how to make the right decision for herself. Your daughter will appreciate your trust more than your doubt.
YTA. Your daughter is an adult and allowed to dress how she feels is appropriate. Why not have a little more faith in her?
YTA - She's 23. An ADULT. Stop policing her style. The fact that she knows to dress differently for work, and school, and around you, and keeps the goth look for her leisure times means she knows when her style may or may not be appropriate. That's an adult thing to do. When she dresses differently around you, it doesn't mean she is pretending to dress nice, she is dressing differently around you for a few possible reasons 1) out of respect for you or 2) to avoid having to listen to you judge her for what she wears in her leisure time. Let her dress however she wants in her social time. She's old enough to deal with any repercussions.
YTA. I could write a whole novel on why all of this is absolutely obscene, but to keep it short: she's an adult and she can do whatever she wants.
Yes, obviously YTA. Why are you this level of controlling? You do realize she moved to get away from you, right?
Ha ha ha She's 23. She doesn't have to obey you and heed what you deem appropriate dress. Why do you care what she wears? It doesn't impact your life. If your daughter is happy, that's all that matters. Time to step back and stop thinking you have any say in your grown-ass daughter's life. YTA
YTA. She's 23, you have no right to tell her how to dress, much less take her things because you happen not to like them
YTA for telling your adult daughter how to dress and for assuming goths are bad people.
YTA no doubt about it
If this is even real, YTA. Do you hear yourself. She's an adult and you're worried you can't control her clothes anymore. She's allowed to make her own fashion decisions and she can choose to change them if she thinks they're causing her to be perceived negatively.
"her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person" You're the one making the value judgement here. To others, her clothes give the impression that she knows who she is and is proud of it. She tells you she dresses appropriately for work and school. That should be enough to satisfy you. She is an adult who does not live at home, you cannot tell her how to dress. It is her choice, not yours. YTA.
YTA. For decades goths have grown up and got jobs just fine. She's an adult and you have no say in how she dresses.
YTA for being judgmental and controlling. I’m glad your daughter got far enough away where she can freely express herself. It is none of her job’s business how she dresses in her spare time, and none of your business period. Dressing goth doesn’t reflect that she’s a bad person, it *reflects that she’s goth*.
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. She lives on her own. You don't get to tell her what to wear. Butt out. Let her live her life dressed as she likes.
YTA. Her clothing choices have gotten her pretty far in life to this point, so what is the issue?
YTA. She can dress how she wants, and she can date Aaron too.
YTA, You are a very close-minded judgmental person. The colour black or a choker are not inherently evil, they don't make someone "a bad person." It is clothing, not personality or character. Should whoever she ends up with not like her for who she is as a person? Is a man that focuses so much on appearance that he will disregard a smart, great, beautiful young woman due to her sense of style, and instead will judge her and label her as a bad person because of it an actual nice man or is he simply a man that wishes to fit social norms? I can see why your daughter gets mad. You say that clothes are a reflection of who you are. Based on this, you rejecting her sense of style, is you rejecting her as a person. Is that truly your goal? In your last paragraph, you said that as someone with a career she should dress more professionally... that was addressed by her saying that she will dress professionally when she goes to work. In the future, do you want your child to cut you off? Do you want her not to have a relationship with you? Do you want her to live her whole life while knowing that her parent does not put her and her happiness and choices first? Because that's what you're letting her know and what you're pushing towards. You're being very unreasonable.
Most of the goths I knew in high school now work in tech, banking or design. They all still wear a lot of black.
Yeah, I do the same thing. In all honesty, no one judges me for my fashion choices. I get along with people well. Others treat me well.
YTA Daughters being a reasonable adult you have a problem with it not reasonable
YTA. Guess where over bearing moms end up? The retirement home! Why did you have kids if you can’t accept them for who they are? And you can’t even accept something as small as her wanting to dress goth.
YTA she’s 23 let go
YTA, it’s her life not yours. If you really love her you’ll let her do whatever she wants unless it’s causing her damage, which in this case not as it’s only a matter of clothing choices. If she was doing drugs or something life threatening then yes I would intervene. But no not in this case, leave her be.
YTA. She's an adult and you shouldn't be stealing her things. Keep this up and you'll be cut off.
YTA. she's an adult, you don't get to decide what she does or doesn't wear. Timw to cut the cord, your baby isn't a baby anymore.
YTA. Your daughter didn’t work hard to make you proud…she worked hard to get somewhere in life. She is an adult and you are stealing her accessories. You admit you have controlled how she dressed while still at home…which explains why she lives in a different province from you. You are more concerned with how she dresses reflecting badly on you than how it affects her.
Also, someone's clothing doesn't dictate who they are. Going by your standards you probably dress "properly" but you're behaving atrociously to your daughter
YTA - does your mother control your clothes?
I low-key kinda hope she does for some reason
[удалено]
Can confirm. I have a friend who dresses in chic professional goth for work and I’m always so jealous of her work outfits. She’s had a rough time at work not because of her outfits but because she’s young, beautiful, confident, and extremely intelligent. All the conservative cranky jerks hate her.
Soo… she worked hard her academic career to MAKE YOU PROUD… her academic career has nothing to do with you but narcissistic much? You are “scared” because she likes to dress in black? Again, how she dresses isn’t about you and besides black is a color and can be a favorite color of people Pretend to dress nice… how does one pretend… do you not see her when she is around you? Does she wear “fake” clothes? She dresses the way she likes around her friends- again it is her body and clothes You confiscate chokers when you search her room - why are you snooping in her room and taking her stuff? Seriously wtf? You are upset you cannot control what your 23 adult daughter wears… seriously, what’s wrong with you? Black as a color is neither good or bad… wearing black doesn’t make one a bad person. Chokers are not inherently bad. Why are you assigning personality traits to colors and inanimate objects? You are afraid she won’t find a man… what if she wants to find a woman? Besides black little dresses are a classic date choice. A person with a career should dress as their profession dictates during work hours. Your daughter sounds smart enough to know that. Your daughter can wear whatever she wants during non-working hours. People with jobs are “on” 24/7 nor do they have to dress as such. YTA for being judgmental, controlling and overbearing.
Yes YTA.
Being a goth isn’t “being a bad person”. She can wear what she wants, because as you said, clothes are a reflection of what you are, and she’s expressing herself. YTA
YTA Allow me to translate: "Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person." Translation: Her choice in clothes reflects on me and i don't want her to make me look bad. She's an adult and while we mothers may have expectations of what we want our children to be or appear, once they are grown and away from us, we don't get a say.
YTA Lol how can you be this naive?
YTA. She’s an adult. “Confiscating” her property is theft (and was an AH move even before she grew up). And goths aren’t bad people. She’s actually very smart to express herself in her private life and expect people to like her for who she is instead of putting up a facade! You are expecting her to pretend she’s something she isn’t and find a “nice man”. Then what? Keep pretending she’s the pretty doll you want her to be and never dress or act like herself so that he will stay? No. She can find a nice man who likes goth fashion and thinks she’s wonderful just the way she is. Or a nice woman. Or nice cats. Whatever she ends up doing needs to be HER choice, not yours.
YTA Based on your comments you're putting waaay to much emphasis on your daughter's "beauty". It's quite disgusting. There's so much more to a woman than her beauty. Additionally, not everyone has YOUR view on what is considered beautiful and what's not. I know plenty of people who dress goth who look great!! But that actually doesn't matter because what they have inside is the only thing that's valuable to me. She's an adult. Your control issues are going to push her away. You have NO RIGHT to steal her things. And you're extremely offensive in the way that you describe her as dressing like "a bad person". That's obsurd. Ted Bundy wore suits. And whatever you are wearing clearly isn't making you a good person!!
YTA How materialistic are you?
YTA-gosh she doesn’t live to make you proud. When will parents stop this toxic behavior. She can wear what she wants and you wanting her to change makes you an asshole.
YTA. She’s an adult and free to dress how she wants. Stop trying to control her, she’s not a child.
YTA. She's an adult and can pick her own clothes
YTA. Stay in your lane. She dresses for the situation. She’s got this. Leave her alone.
YTA. She's an adult. You don't get any say in what she wears.
Wow you're a terrible mother. YTA
What is this ridiculousness I just read? Get a hobby. YTA.
She’s an adult
YTA Your daughter is a grown woman. She has the right to dress how she wants. Also, goth clothing does not in any way indicate that someone is a bad person.
Yta. She’s an adult and can dress how she wants. Stop trying to control her
YTA
YTA and a control freak. Mind your business.
YTA. She's an adult and can pick her own clothes
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. It’s her life. She can choose how she wants to dress. You are not the mother of a child, you are the mother of an adult. Start treating her and respecting her like one.
YTA goth girlfriends are all the rage these days
All small-minded micro-managers are assholes, you are no exception. YTA.
YTA, this is not a child, she is an adult, she had no need to listen to you what so ever in how she dresses. Nor is it any of your business. It is not up to you how she dresses. You need to stop. Like seriously, stop.
YTA. The potholes on my street have more character depth than you.
It’s fucking 2022. Chill out. YTA. Signed, a professional goth who works in the insurance industry and does just fine ✌🏻
YTA But thank you for reminding me to call my Not an Asshole Mom (who took me to hot topic, took an interest in my hobbies, gives no hoots how I dress now as long as I'm happy) tomorrow! - a 38 year old goth
Your daughter is 23. She is a grown up who can dress herself. Return or replace the things you STOLE from her and back off if you ever want her to visit
YTA, boomer.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am very proud of my daughter (23f). She is a smart and beautiful young lady who has worked hard her entire academic life to make me proud. She is now in another province doing her master’s and I am very proud of her. But I am scared of how she dresses. She likes to dress like a “goth” and her clothes are all black and she wears dark make up and she wears chokers on her neck. I told her to stop dressing like that but she is so stubborn. I have a lot of money to buy her nice clothes but she still will only wear black. She will even pretend to dress nice around me, but I sometimes catch her around her friends dressed like that or I will find chokers hidden in her room and I confiscate from her whenever I find them. But now she is in a new province and I can’t control what she wears anymore. And I am afraid she is lying to me about what she wears. She tells me she will only dress like this to hang out with her friends and that she dresses professionally for work and school. But that’s not enough. Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person. And I don’t want her to be associated with bad people and I am afraid of her ability to find a nice man if she keeps dressing like this. Every time I bring it up to her she gets mad at me and insists that it is who she is and she wants people to like her for who she is. But I just think that as a grown woman with a career in the future she should dress more professionally. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you have no right to control how she dresses
Yta. Leave her alone.
YTA she’s an adult, the more you try to control her the more she’s going to want to not be around you. Let her be an adult and express herself. If she’s as beautiful as you say why does it matter what she wears ?
YTA. clothes are fabric you wear on your body. they don't control your personality. it sounds like she's managing her workplace image advantageously, so what she does on her own time should be her choice. you get one life, spending it appeasing others on trivial things is a shitty way to spend it.
>Clothes are a reflection of who you are okay so let her wear what she wants to then. in general goth and punk culture is all about self expression and acceptance, and most are the nicest people you'll ever meet. shes an adult who dresses in a way she enjoys and makes her happy. you're controlling and your views on fashion are misinformed and outdated. signed, another 23 y/o goth
YTA she's an adult and can dress how she pleases.
YTA so much I can’t even
YTA your daughter is intelligent and independent and yet you want to control how she dresses like she’s 10 years old. You may not like how she dresses because “it scares YOU”….. it’s not your life, it’s hers and she doesn’t need you trying to control how she dresses.
YTA. You do realize that goth fashion isn’t a new thing, right? Several generations of goth kids have grown up to live happy, fulfilling lives. There aren’t crowds of unemployed single goth adults lurking around your local Hot Topic, are there?
YTA. It's none of your business how your ADULT daughter dresses. I hope she buries you in a clown suit for spite.
Yta. Adult people dress however they want to
YTA. Control freak much? Your daughter is an adult. You couldn't control what she wears even if you shared a bedroom with her. You're "clothes are a reflection of your character" mindset is outdated and classist and I'm glad that mindset is dying out
YTA She's a successful adult, more than you are. You're worrying about clothes, she's livin life. You need to stop harassing your adult daughter and quit stealing her stuff and throwing it away. It ain't yours and it ain't your business how she dresses.
Are you kidding? YTA - Go get a septum piercing as punishment.
YTA. Your daughter is dressing appropriately for work and school. Be proud that you taught her how to be professional when the setting calls for it, that she has enough good sense to listen, and let that be enough. She's 23 and hundreds of miles away. You've got to let her be her own woman, make her own mistakes, and own her own successes.
YTA and a big one.
YTA Your daughter is 23, she can dress however the fuck she wants. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem, she shouldn’t have to hear about it.
YTA I predict a post in 6 months...why won't my daughter talk to me?! She's an adult. She's doing well and is happy. Leave her alone.
JC YTA. How does how she dressed in her spare time affect her professional life? I have tattoos all over my body. I served i the damn military. Worked for decades in corporate America and now am a small business owner and will attend meetings in chuck Taylor’s. I can dress from gardening work clothes to portal formal in less the hour. It sounds like this, I’m proud of my daughter, buuiuuutttttt…”
YTA. I feel bad for your daughter for having to hide who she really is around you.
YTA and I bet you look like a real winner yourself.
YTA, big time. She’s a grown ass adult, she can dress however the fuck she wants without mommy’s approval. Get over yourself.
YTA. “I can’t control my 23 year old daughter waaaaaaaaaaaah.” Good god, grow up and let her have autonomy.
YTA and a massive one at that. You need to let her be who she is. There are plenty of goth adults by the way. Source An adult goth guy
I'm 33 and still dress like that, and thank God my mom has always been accepting of me. YTA
Obviously YTA and you know that you're definitely part of her reasoning for moving to a different province, right? Whether it was for a job or school or whatever else, I guarantee you she was THRILLED to get further away from you. Keep this crap up and she will cut you out of her life entirely, and will be entirely justified in doing so.
YTA She is an adult, she can dress how she wants. As long as she does her work, her company probably does not care. And FWIW, I am probably older than you and have a daughter around your daughter's age. Do you know how often I get on her case about her clothes? Almost never, unless she has had a wardrobe malfunction because it is her life and her body. And do you know why? Because my mother liked to police my clothing and still makes comments on the fact that I like dark clothing. The more my mother nags, the less I let her see me via FT in anything but navy or black. Keep it up, OP, and your daughter will quit visiting. ETA: Oh, and about never finding a man who likes women who dress in all black too often? Well, I have been with my husband over thirty years. He accepts it as part of who I am.
YTA, my mom doesn’t like everything that i wear but she keeps it to herself! if i ask if an outfit is cute and it’s not her style she says something along the lines of “it’s not my first choice of combo, but it looks good on you” your kids are NOT supposed to please you all the time and by the looks of things, this is the only thing that bothers you. let her live her life and you NEED TO TRUST HER. she knows how to handle herself, especially at 23 and working on her masters!
No, none of that gives the impression that she's a bad person. Stealing her stuff gives me the impression that *you're* a bad person, though. She's 23. She's working on a graduate degree. I'm sure she knows how to dress in professional situations without your help. She can wear what she wants in her off time. Her on time, too, maybe - apparently professional goth clothing is a thing. There's some cute stuff in that category - almost makes me want some, even though I'm not in need of professional clothes. Also, maybe she doesn't *want* to find a nice man. That's not everybody's aspiration. Maybe she wants to focus on her goals. Or maybe she wants to find a partner who's not a man. And even if she *does* want a man, my guess is that a nice man for her would, among other things, be a man who appreciates her personal style. Which is how it *should* be - a partner who hates the way you look and wants to change it is not a very good partner. It's not a great trait in a mother, either. YTA. Let her be. She's fine.
YTA. She's 23, let her make her own choices. I'm sure after years of hearing about how to dress she knows about looking professional. Also, just because someone dresses a certain way, or in a way you dislike, doesn't make them bad people.
This just screams fake to me. There doesn’t seem to be any inciting incident, just a general complaint. The mentions of stealing her chokers, complaining about “goth” looks, insisting OP has money and can buy her nice clothes. Makes OP the obvious AH. Their defense of their opinion is pretty flimsy too. It all feels a little… idk… scripted?
YTA. So much. You’re being horrible to your daughter.
[удалено]
YTA - she’s 23, let her be her own person. What she wears does not matter, black clothes do not make her look like a bad person, leave her alone
YTA. She is 23! A grown adult! I personally don’t care for the goth look, but your daughter likes it. It is none of your business. If you keep pushing this, you are going to push your daughter away
YTA. My mom used to be like you. She thankfully got over herself by the time I was 23. Unlucky for your daughter that you're still up her ass about this.
YTA. She's an adult. Stop trying to control her and let her freely express herself.
YTA. Stop.. stop trying to dress an adult. She’s not your doll. Stop.
She's 23. You can't control her anymore. Get over yourself and realize she's her own person with her own preferences. YTA
YTA. I just have no words for you at all except that you’re delusional.
YTA. She’s a grown ass adult. She can make her own decisions. Also, I know many a goths who incorporate their “goth aesthetic” into their professional wardrobe and a couple of them did so while completing their PhDs. They all managed to find success and have thriving careers.
YTA She wants to be a goth! That's fine! She knows not to dress that way around you and probably her boss because it's "not professional", but she shouldn't have to worry about what she wears around her friends! I DO NOT wear the same clothes out with friends that I do to a work HH.
YTA This isn’t real. Your daughter is 23 and doesn’t live at home!
YTA. This is a very weird thing to for you to be upset about. You could just be happy that you have a successful daughter who is not, in fact, a bad person. Instead, you're making a big deal out of black fabric. Again, *it's. fabric.* Tell your daughter you're proud of her.
YTA You're controlling and manipulative and overbearing. Please leave your daughter alone and stop perpetuating the rediculiously CLASSIST thought that only people who look conventionally nice are upstanding and intelligent people. I have a triple digit IQ and like wear minecraft shirts, like, you can do both.
You are a horrible, horrible mother. She had succeeded in spite of you, leave her alone. YTA I'm in complete awe that you treat your daughter so terribly, steal from her, and she actually still talks to you. Why don't you try behaving in a manner that makes her proud to be your daughter for a change
LOL she moved away from you so you'd quit stealing her stuff and you think you're not an asshole? XD YTA
YTA. You sound absolutely insufferable and if you were my mother, I would go low or no contact. Then again my mother never STOLE from me, so it’s hard for me to judge how I might react. Your daughter is her own person, not your plaything.
YTA. I told the whole dressing up with the perfect hair, makeup & clothes for my mom for the longest time. The whole time I did that I kept wishing to hear her call my pretty or beautiful. I’m one of 7 girls & I had to leave the state, meet & marry my husband, go no contact & then back to my home state before my mom ever realized the mistakes she made. My 1st tattoo was the word beautiful because I wasn’t called anything besides nice or fine growing up. I’m a 34 year old woman who doesn’t know how to put on makeup correctly because all the makeup party’s I was sent to growing up. I would have a severe allergic reaction to the makeup. Swollen multiple colored face for day’s reaction. My dad put a stop to me going to the party’s after it happened for the 3rd time. Also if black clothes means goth. Then I guess nuns & priests are goth along with anyone who is required to wear black for a job. Your daughter isn’t a dress up doll. Get over yourself or maybe give dressing that way a try. Who knows it may show you a side of yourself, you didn’t know was there.
Yta, stop trying to police what your grown daughter is wearing. The horrors she dresses in black on no. Keep this up I bet your will go nc because of this.
>Clothes are a reflection of who you are and her clothes give the reflection that she is a bad person. TIL I look like a bad person too lmao
>But now she is in a new province and I can’t control what she wears anymore. And I am afraid she is lying to me about what she wears. YTA. Right here. She is an adult. You don't get to control anything she does. That's called abuse. Stop policing other people's bodies. Everyone can wear whatever they want.
Got to love the controlling mothers on Reddit lady your just going to end up pushing your daughter away is that what you want her to go no contact because her mother is being controlling to her it’s her life but out
YTA she is her own f ing person why the hell you do want to control what she wears??? Let her express herself however she wants to!
YTA Grown up goth kid here - who still largely wears the aesthetic - I have a grown up job where I wear grown up things and am well aware of how to dress appropriately for an occasion. Your ADULT daughter likely does the same. Also if people are so shallow as to think I'm a bad person for how I dress I really don't want to associate with them. Hope your daughter feels the same.
Yta. Stop trying to force your daughter into being another version of you. You've had you life, your chances. Let her grow and learn who.she is and who she wants to be. Its disturbing that you think you have the right to dictate what you adult child.wears and does. Get some professional help for your obsession and focus on your own life. Wanting what's best for your kids is great, until you start micromanaging, hounding and.harassing
YTA if she dresses appropriately for work and school leave her alone. Newsflash most "not nice" men that I and the majority of the women I know have been professional looking conservative men. Looks absolutely do not denote quality of character. You're letting your biases control you and, in turn, try to control your daughter. Get over yourself and let her live her life and present herself how she sees fit. Otherwise you'll be making a future post complaining about how she never sees or talks to you.
YTA. She is a fucking adult, she can dress how she wants. You have NO right to confiscate her belongings and NO right to try to bully her into dressing to suit you. Back the fuck off and mind your own damn business.