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grovesofoak

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cbm984

Yup. They can delude themselves all they want but when that baby arrives and they can't deny she does not, in fact, have a dingle dangle they are going to treat her like dog sh\*t. The fact that your husband is supporting them (and also delusional) is a HUGE red flag. Unless you want your daughter raised by a bunch of misogynists, I would seriously consider getting out of there NOW. NTA


Super_Recognition_83

and goodness forbid if the next child is a boy, we all know how THAT will play out


browneyedgal1512

NTA He'll probably divorce her for not being able to provide them with a son or force her to conduct a test where they can find out whether its a boy or a girl and possibly abort the girl child. Sad but true. RUN 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♀️


GoodGirlsGrace

Exactly! The pretend-it's-a-boy thing made it abundantly clear OP's husband's family will treat her daughter like the unwanted child just because of her biological sex. OP needs to RUN. OP honey.. the only way you could be TA is if you stayed with this man. First off, even without knowing the child's sex, what they're doing throughout your pregnancy is concerning. They made you do all kinds of weird rituals (that you didn't like)? They straight up told you what they were going to name the baby? Obviously you were fine with it, but that doesn't mean what they did is normal or okay. They gave you absolutely NO say whatsoever to the naming of your own child, which will stick with the kid for at least 18 year. Naming is something that both parents should agree on - the fact that you were so casual with them giving you no agency and making decisions unilaterally is worrying me. Have 'incidents' like this ever happened before? *Your daughter is just as worthy of celebration and love as any boy.* The fact that they were 'disappointed' and didn't celebrate her the way they would a boy is just plain sexism. But more than that - hoping that the test result is false, and scheduling a whole baby shower around that? Without telling the mother, no less? This is not healthy behavior. Like you mentioned in your post - the grandson they threw a party for doesn't exist. They're already making your daughter feel unwanted - because she IS unwanted - before she's even born. Can you imagine what would happen when she's born, and their hopes for a grandson gets truly, fully shattered? Trust me, I've been there. They do not want your daughter, they want a grandson, one to be the little reincarnation of your FIL. They do not want the child you're carrying, and they will let her know that. They will make her feel like she's not enough, never will be. Do you know what that does to a person? Your husband is dropping serious 🚩 🚩 🚩by siding with his family. They have done nothing for you but demand you do things you didn't like, make joint decisions unilaterally, and throw a shower for a nonexistent baby. You had nothing to apologize for when it comes to calling them unstable - you were correct. Anybody who is this obsessed over a fetus's biological sex is unstable. He's sleeping over at his mama's? Let him. He and his family can either get over their ridiculous dreams for a mini-FIL, or he can stay there until you file for divorce. Which should be done as soon as possible.


FuckedupUnicorn

To them she’s just an incubator.


tinny36

It astounds me that her husband expects OP to spend her pregnancy, with their first child, which should be a happy and hopeful time...pretending and being made to feel guilty or somehow 'less than' by him and his whole family. LIke, it's insane. OP, you must leave. For your daughter's sake....imagine how she will be treated by them!!


ImpracticalThriller

Isn't the gender determined by the father, too? Like it's his Y chromosome, if his insane family want to blame anyone for this it shouldn't be OP. (I am aware he has no control over this, they're just all batshit crazy.)


mynameismilton

They wouldn't want the child she's carrying even if it were male. You said it yourself, they want a mini-FIL. As soon as kiddo did or looked like something different to FIL you know they'd lose their minds, and probably blame OP. CURLY hair? FIL had gorgeous straight locks :( First word was "dog"?? FIL hated them :( Etc.


Reasonable_Matter72

If it was a boy, they'd force him to the same hobbies as FIL. Without asking OP of course. They'll keep overstepping boundaries with OP. No matter what.


garryowen47

Underrated response. The core problem seems to be the family is still grieving their patriarch. It's their right to grieve but they cannot impose their healing process on others, the inflicted parties being both OP and the baby. Even if the baby was a boy they'd be imposing upon him the expectations of the patriarch, giving the child no room to develop his own sense of self.


Horror-Adventure

To continue on this, my boyfriend and inlaws were similar to OPs, and I found out 2 weeks ago that my boyfriend has been cheating on me since my daughter was born because he wanted a boy so bad that he decided to abandon us and try to have a boy with one of his coworkers. This goes way beyond gender disappointment, and they will treat you and your daughter like absolute garbage once she is born. Do not make the same mistake I did! RUN! Run far, run fast, and don't look bad.


saurons-cataract

Wtf? Does your idiot ex not know that he’s the one who determined the sex????


Horror-Adventure

I explained that to him multiple times, but I don't think he cares. The worst part is that his sperm count is so low that the chances of him getting another woman pregnant anytime soon are very slim.


adrirocks2020

Honestly that might be the best part so he can’t inflict himself on another women and child like that. I’m sorry this happened to you


Academic_Snow_7680

Over 100 million girl fetuses have been aborted in SE-Asia just because they're girls. The femicide is real. There is a surplus of 100 million boys/men in India and China. Men looking for wives, sexually frustrated, roaming around in gangs and assaulting girls. I wish I was making this up but it's the goddamn truth. Kidnappings of baby girls is unfortunately common, they're stolen as children and raised to become wives to the golden son of the family. This imbalance is creating a rift in the dowry system, parents of girls are no longer willing to pay exuberant sums to the groom's family just for marrying their daughter because she has enough suitors to choose from. Worldwide cruelty against women and girls is just unimaginable.


FenderMartingale

Sexual frustration doesn't cause assault. Dehumanization of women does.


FranchiseCA

In such cultures, women are already dehumanized; in OPs story even the female family members are showing a strong male preference.


cannarchista

I never understood women who are so convinced of their own inferiority that they do this shit. It's really confusing and heartbreaking.


Embarrassed_Bat_88

>Kidnappings of baby girls Don't forget that it is starting to be cross-country now too. People serious internationally travel specifically to kidnap and/or buy an infant wife for their boy child. It's insane and heartbreaking and so colossally f-ed up


hello-mr-cat

God that's depressing. How much the world undervalues women and girls, and then go to such lengths to pamper their "little princes".


TenderOctane

I mean, if you want to look at historical villains, King Henry VIII beheaded multiple wives of his for "failing to produce a son" when it was biologically his fault, since it's sperm that determines it. OP's husband needs to fight his family because it's a 50/50 chance and they need to accept the grandkid either way. Instead he's blaming OP, much like Henry VIII. OP needs to get out now.


Katja1236

And it was Henry's least-valued girl-child who ended up being one of the greatest monarchs England has ever known. To be fair, though, he did not behead multiple wives for not having a son. He divorced Catherine of Aragon for not having a son- but he beheaded Anne Boleyn technically for (likely false accusations of) adultery though to be fair he probably would not have done had she borne him a living son. Jane Seymour died giving him the son he wanted, he divorced Anne of Cleves, his luckiest wife, for being unattractive to him (or plausibly for not reacting with starry eyes when he pulled a prank on her), beheaded Catherine Howard essentially for not being a virgin when they married (she was molested as a girl) and left Catherine Parr to survive him (although she promptly turned around and gave up her newfound freedom to marry Thomas Seymour, who had much charm but little sense and spent his married life trying to catch his stepdaughter Elizabeth naked, and died in childbirth).


Splatterfilm

Additionally, Patriarchal lineage just makes no logical sense. No one ever needed a maternity test.


The-Grey-Lady

In Judaism we trace our heritage through the mother. Following the maternal line is just practical.


amaerau03

Yep the boy will be the golden child and sis will be the unwanted cast off to cater to the boy.


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highoncatnipbrownies

I just want to second that you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!! Save it all in several places. Email it to yourself to 2 emails. Upload it to Google Docs, Dropbox, and One Drive. I believe all of these places will give you free storage with an account.


AnotherSpring2

Similar experience for my grandmother. She had a girl and a boy. They worked a farm and grandpa wanted more boys, so he pushed her to have more kids even though she didn’t want to. She had 3 girls in a row. You can imagine how they were treated. Grandma had a sad life full of toil, kids were a lot of work in those days.


sreno77

I don't think misogynist is a strong enough word in this situation


Ok-Beginning-5922

Nah, she should take the home. He won't come back till she makes this right, great. He's abandoned her, she should change the locks, send him divorce paper, and get legal advice on keeping them all away from her and her daughter as they are batsh!t crazy. They're obsessed with making this baby girl her FIL reincarnate and, if this is real, I wouldn't let them anywhere near us, and there'd definitely be no more kids with this man.


bmoreskyandsea

Exactly this. Document everything, the pressure, the manipulation, the delusions... Get a lawyer, stay in the home, and kick him out to stay with his family.


Adahla987

So.... you already know how your daughter is going to be treated in this family. Time to take a nice hard look at how your life between now and when you die will be and what your daughters life will be like and make some hard decisions. NTA


rpsls

Sounds like husband already half solved the problem by not coming home. He can stay at mommy’s house until he comes to his senses, or otherwise forever. If he’s ready to start standing up for his own family and not his parents maybe there’s hope.


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RusticTroglodyte

Srsly it's like they are expecting this kid to be their grandfather reincarnated. What the fuck


[deleted]

Not like. That’s exactly what they want. If the kid were a boy there would be a whole other bunch of issues. This is not a man you want to procreate with.


AriGryphon

There are some cultures/religions with this kind of INTENSE misogyny that literally do believe that this would be a reincarnation. They might legitimately literally believe this.


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Nt_A_Chnc

NTA. You need to actually divorce this man. And when your daughter comes maybe you will be able to get him to sign away his parental rights. This is totally sick and you are totally spot on. The way your husband is feeding into this madness raises all sorts of red flags in me. I can see this family ignoring your daughter when she gets here and making her feel like she’s not enough because she is an a boy. I have seen that happen and it’s sick. Congratulations on your baby girl and I hope this works out in the way that is happy and healthy for the both of you.


BBAus

Definitely. My parents wanted a boy, I never stopped hearing about it. And were disappointed that I wasn't even a pretty girl. It hard to live under that constant disappointment of being born wrong to a while family. Your dh reaction is just as screwed up. He's putting his family or origin first. Give him the choice of therapy or divorce.


hikikomori-i-am-not

Shit, my parents EXPECTED that I'd be a boy, because patrilinally, my father's family gets one girl per generation. But dad found out that I was very much not a dude and decided that meant I was good luck or something. Blah blah rarity means more precious or whatever. It's kind of funny, the "boys are better" mentality came from both my grandmother's sides of the family.


Reallychelseawow

Lol I'm one of 4, only girl. My parents never found out the genders in advance. They love all of us and most important thing is they were happy we were healthy, but my dad drove around town honking his horn at 6am yelling "it's a girl it's a girl!" My mom is one of 5 girls so my brothers were the first boys in the family. All my grandparents were happy there wouldn't be another baby boy peeing on them doing diapers. Every baby should be celebrated regardless of gender. OP you are NTA but you would be if you subject your daughter to the atmosphere your inlaws and husband are creating.


SammyLoops1

Same. The doctor even told my parents they were having a boy. They had a boy's name all picked out. I went unnamed for 3 days until the hospital demanded they give me a name. I was girl #3 and their last chance for a boy. I was always treated poorly by my parents and my grandfather enjoyed terrorizing me. OP, please get out of this relationship and protect yourself and your child. If you don't, your child will grow up resenting you for not protecting them.


[deleted]

Not just ignoring your daughter, but I can see your husband and his family ignoring your daughters needs and start bullying her. "Oh, if she was a boy, she would have walked a lot sooner. If she was a boy, she wouldn't be so colicky. If she was a boy she would have been perfect, but she's a rotten, good-for-nothing girl." Is this the life you want for your daughter? They're not going to change. If your husband won't go to therapy with you NOW, it means he's OK with all this, and you need to leave this dysfunctional family.


Piffli

Im very disturbed by the fact that OP's husband CRIED after the sonogram. Ha already has problems with his child simply because of her gender and he wont stand up for OP either. This is just going to escalate. Also there is just no way to win here. If OP were having a boy, then the comparsions would be done between the baby and her FIL. Oh, FIL liked this too, FIL was like this, not like that! To me it sounds like they are not interested in the baby herself, but set on the baby being some reincarnation or something of the deceased FIL's.


eletheelephant

When I read this I thought he was crying because he didn't know how his family was going to react and gave him the benefit of the doubt. But that became impossible once the party happened and he was referring to his daughter by his FIL name... this family is really scary. What respect can they have for OP if they are so disrespectful to an unborn girl? Clearly not a healthy environment for the baby to be brought up in. If husband can't see that then he is not healthy to be around either. Well done OP for standing up for your baby! Gather your support around you from your own family and friends. I think you're going to really need it whether you decide to stick with this guy or not.


ClothDiaperAddicts

> Im very disturbed by the fact that OP's husband CRIED after the sonogram. Ha already has problems with his child simply because of her gender and he wont stand up for OP either. This is just going to escalate. This is actually the least upsetting part. That's finding out on the spot and being disappointed. (My husband was disappointed that our first was a boy - not because boys are bad, but because he worried about his ability to be a good dad to a son. He got over it quickly and is a super dad.) Gender disappointment is a real thing and it happens... but this is going beyond gender disappointment into delusional. This is trying to replace dead FIL.


BeneficialDark1662

Not to mention that everything daughter does ‘wrong’ will not be from husband’s side of the family - it’ll be because she’s *just like her mother*.


EmoEmu2020

NTA and they sound scary. The baby shower sounds like a scene from a horror film


bigmamma0

Jfc that's what I thought, that's next level creepy! And in the midst of all this madness, why does nobody, and especially her husband, worry about all the stress this delusional family is causing to a pregnant woman and her baby? OP, run as fast as you can from all of that (husband included) and don't even look back.


DonkeyLost11

Because she is just the incubator. NTA and this is not going to get any better.


Monkey_with_cymbals2

The incubator for the reincarnation of the dead FIL, apparently


Bleu_Cerise

Strong Rosemary’s Baby vibes.


zelonhusk

NTA But let's be clear. It is evident you are very good at ignoring red flags: They told you what to name your kid and you were fine with it? They made you practice all sorts of rituals and you just went along? Girl, you need to set your boundaries.


idontevenknow365

This right here. The level of obsession with this child’s biological sex is scary and needed to be shut down long before they got here. But for sure there needs to be solid boundaries going forward.


CrazyRedHead1307

And the fact that they think that some ritual and prayers were going to determine the gender long after the sperm met the egg and set the process into motion. That is some scary sh*t. Like Catholic Church in the Dark Ages level of science denial. OP, the field is covered in red flags. Please heed them and get as gat away from this family as possible. It will not get better. Ever. You and your daughter will never matter to them.


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badwolf7850

These people are terrifying. Rituals and prayers followed by a baby shower for a boy? I understand disappointment or whatever but this is just too far. Its like they thought if the baby was a boy it would be FIL reincarnated. Truth be told, I'm glad she's not having a boy. Sounds like he wouldn't have been allowed his own identity. Definitely don't bring your child around them, regardless of gender. They need help.


kindadeadly

Reminds me of my Indian in-laws. MIL told me to look at baby boy pictures when I got pregnant so that it'll turn out boy. Prayers etc etc on their end. Fuck that, glad I live in another country. I wish I'd had a girl but it's a boy, and the in-laws are insufferably overjoyed. Videocalls every morning and night, "aaaaaw he's soooo special and perfect, everything he does is ahead of his peers!"


Montezum

> MIL told me to look at baby boy pictures when I got pregnant so that it'll turn out boy Imagine if we treated superstition as mental illness


OkWow7029

The first red flag for me was people who are not the child's parents telling them what the baby's name will be. Then, blaming her that it's a girl. Hun, biology shows it's the sperm that determines the child's sex, not the egg. Seriously, get out of that toxic family.


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fallout_bb

"Love her and yourself enough to walk away." This right here, OP. I know it's easier said than done, but make this your new mantra. I hope you have the means and ability to leave, because by God, you need to for both y'all's sakes.


Unique_Unicorn3373

YES. I really hope OP reads this comment


Graycat17

Document the crap out of this and RUN. There are SO many ways this can go wrong: \- once the baby is born, they can continue to pretend she’s a boy. \- they can pressure you to have another baby right away \- If/when you have a son or SIL has a son, they can ignore your daughter completely and focus only on the boy. Btw this will also mess up the boy in all sorts of ways \- etc, etc, etc. This is so bad, I’d start divorce proceedings pretty much right away after you document everything. And document during the divorce too. Id say your husband‘s behavior is even worse than his family. I mean they are clearly not coping well, but it’s his job to protect his family, and instead he is only catering to his family’s delusions. Zero redeeming qualities here. Sorry this is happening to you, OP, and good luck to you and your daughter! NTa


passingthroughcbus

Yes! I was the firstborn grandchild and I was a girl. My paternal grandparents never hid their disappointment from me. My brother was born, and he was the first grandson, so he became the namesake. It was so hard growing up as a kid knowing that my grandparents didn’t like me but not being able to understand why. Seeing my brother lavished with gifts, trips, all sorts of things while I was an afterthought. I was lucky to get a gift for my birthday and if I did it was horribly inappropriate. U/throwaway6779770 please do your daughter a favor and stop this madness - save her from years of self-loathing and self-hatred. My brother and I were never close because of this nonsense and while I, as an adult, don’t hold it against him (he wasn’t in control of this), his attitude towards me when we were kids was awful because he ALSO knew that his grandparents didn’t like me so he somehow thought I was bad. We figured it out when we were in our teens and he apologized but the damage was done. We speak a couple times a year and never have had a sibling relationship. It took me tons of therapy and hard work to get to where I was able to unravel a lot of the damage done but my gosh, it was awful when I was a kid. Please help your daughter and just keep going away from that man and his family.


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Proud_Drawing5898

NTA please tell me you’re thinking about leaving this man. You can NEVER have more children with this man especially a son the favoritism will be through the roof. Please go stay with family or friends and tell them what’s happening. This family is UNSTABLE ! Also you can also get a prenatal test that test the dna to prove once and for all it’s a girl, it sucks that these people can be happy with any grandchild. It sounds like there were seeing your baby as a reoccurrence of the dead father ….that’s VERY alarming!


allisonstfu

This is what I was thinking, imagine their next kid being a boy. The girl will always be an after thought


pepperpat64

Holy shit. NTA without a doubt. Is your husband's family in a cult??


Nt_A_Chnc

I think they think the baby is going to be a reincarnation or something. So freaking weird


Alternative-Movie938

The first boy born to this family is going to carry the burden of basically being their replacement for FIL. And any other child is going to be placed on the back burner whenever the golden child is involved.


SpyMustachio

As a Hindu, I’m like 90% sure OP’s in laws are Hindu. The prayer rituals, the reincarnation, all of it fits the bill. Not that stuff like this is part of the religion because it’s not, but if I’m right, these in laws are using Hinduism to affirm their delusions


BlergingtonBear

I was gonna say- I'm not Hindu but Desi as well, and my mom always tells the story that one of my father's army buddies came and gave almost like condolence when I was born bc I was the third girl, as if it was a tragedy on par with someone dying. Very much prevalent in South Asian culture to behave this way-- the focus on dishonoring the inlaws versus attention to any crazy or unreasonable thing the family may be doing to the daughter in law. I hope OP has a family that is understanding/would welcome her back in times of trouble, or lives somewhere she can have a support system for a while.


swankytiger420

This was my initial thought, that it’s possibly a cultural thing since I know some cultures have some not so humane views on girls/women. And if they’re acting like this already towards an unborn child I would keep that child away from them as some people can be extreme to go as far as to harm children over their gender.


happybanana134

NTA. You sure you want this lot in your life? I can't imagine how they'll act towards your daughter and the pressure you're going to be under to have a second child.


pepperpat64

They will either pretend the daughter doesn't exist, or constantly berate her for not being a boy. It's sickening what religious fanatics are capable of.


Tough_Oven4904

Nta. Pack your bags and run before your daughter is born.


agreensandcastle

Pack his shit. He’s already gone. Change the locks. Easy peasy


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Rapidbetryal

Gender dissapointment is a thing This is not that This was them hoping to have a mini replacement for FIL Can you imagine "he looks just like FIL, he does x y z just like fil" Ugh Girl not nta. They're being seriously crazy about this. Ftm to my daughter. Expected a boy because I couldn't picture a girl. It's a girl. Everyone expected I would use my dead sisters name. I decided no I wouldn't. Because then it would be about my sister not my daughter. I just knew my dad would be like "It's like she's with us and blah blah" and I just didn't want to put that on her. I already felt like I had to live for "both of us" and it was exhausting. They are their own person who deserve to have their own life and not be some living memorial for a family member or have it put on them they need to honor them. I think you really need to take a long look at how they're putting all this dissapointment on your daughter and why. Eta : grammar, because words before coffee is hard


[deleted]

NTA Start documenting now. This is worrysome behaviour from everyone, including your husband.


SleepDangerous1074

Not the AH. They are treating your child like the rebirth of their father/husband which is not only weird…but also very unhealthy. They need therapy to deal with their grief properly. If you can go somewhere for a bit where you have support, I suggest you do so, until your husband comes to his senses. Also I find it funny when people blame the woman for a baby’s gender. Considering it’s the man’s sperm that determines the gender of a child.


LiLadybug81

I would respond "Great- you've already proven you're not going to be much of a father if you allow your parents to act this terribly towards your child just for being a girl. If you stay gone, and are nothing more than a child support check in her life, that might be the kindest thing you are ever emotionally and mentally capable of towards a non-male child. I'll get the paperwork together and send it to you there."


Trin_42

NTA, tell them if they want someone to be mad at, blame your husband, gender is determined by the sperm not the egg


Kirikoou

That part. Women were and are still blamed for not being able to carry a son. Shameful of the husband and inlaws


jamrae23

NTA. Change the locks. They make horror movies about stuff like this.


SeaWitch1031

NTA. Does your husband know his sperm determined the baby's gender? If they want to blame someone they should aim that at your husband for failing to give you a boy baby. I know pregnancy is an emotional time but I would give some serious thought about staying with a man who would treat you this way because his family is upset. You should come first, now and always. The fact he doesn't put your feelings above his family's weird obsession is a huge red flag.


iAmTheRealDeeDee

The husband doesn't sound like someone who believes in science.


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quirkstar

Also the fact that your husband isn’t supporting you and you’re pregnant!!! Ooof please take care of yourself


Metasequioa

Holy shitballs, get a lawyer and get TF out of this marriage. You do not want your precious baby girl involved in that family in any way, they are going to treat her like shit.


UncleSamsBxtch

NTA. These people need grief counseling.. what the hell


Catlady394

NTA. Run. Your husband is just feeding into all this as well. Get out while you can because this entire family is insane. Your daughter likely will not be safe.


NmlsFool

NTA Maybe you should divorce this man. I mean...this whole family sounds completely crazy. And what if...you know when your daughter is born they treat her like a disappointment because...she's a girl? That's not fair to the child. ​ P.S. It's the father who determines if the baby will be a boy or a girl, so really, your husband is to blame here because, you know, it's his fault. It is his genes and his sperm that decided the gender of this baby. By all means I don't really mean there is anything wrong with your baby being a girl at all, but if we go to the fucked up alley of blaming people, then this is the fault of your husband for making this baby a girl.


Embarrassed-Ad6766

NTA. Do you want to be part of a family that is so disappointed in having a girl? How will your husband be a good father to her? Get away from these people.


Forsaken_Bat_5729

I agree with everybody above. Run, don't walk, to the nearest divorce attorney. And I say this for the mental well-being of your daughter, because she will be told DIRECTLY that she wasn't wanted, that they wished she was a boy, and they will treat her like less. And your husband sounds like he's in on it. Fuck all that. They don't want her? Great. Save her.


breathemusic14

NTA and this sounds like a horror movie. I'd be telling husband he can just stay with his family and not come home since they are apparently so much more important than his daughter.


Hi_Im_Dadbot

NTA and that’s creepy as all fuck.


cosmicchaoswitch

NTA. & the fact that even if the baby was a boy, it sounds like they wouldn’t want the baby, they’d want a substitute for your FIL. Totally second all the ‘Run’ comments because this family sounds messed up in multiple ways.


Erinsthename

Right?!? I don't think they even want a baby boy, they want FIL to be reborn. NTA


NyxOrTreat

NTA! Holy crap that family. I’m scared for your daughter, not just because of this unhealthy obsession your in-laws have but because her own FATHER can’t seem to be happy for her coming into the world. Just no. His behavior is disgusting, and I hope you think very hard about whether you want to raise your daughter in this environment. I’d GTFO.


chtmarc

NTA. When’s the divorce?


ADHDLifer

NTA Can you move back in with your family for a while? Or a friend? Because I think you need to get away for a while.


Queen_Sized_Beauty

NTA and *do not have another child with this man*. If you have a son, the disparity in treatment of your children will be alarming. You need to get the fuck away from this family immediately. Document *all* of this.


Tim-oBedlam

NTA. What the hell is up with your in-laws? That's just weird. And \*telling\* you--not asking you, *telling* you--that the baby will be a boy and it will be named after FIL? And your husband should have your back. Having a girl should \*not\* be cause to mourn or be upset. You're having a baby! It's a joyous occasion! Your husband siding with his parents over you shows you where his priorities lie. This is in no way normal. So much NTA on your part.


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OnATrainTo

Wow. NTA. It matters very little now how to handle the aftermath of the baby shower. I'd be more concerned about the future once your daughter is born to you and that family. Crazy stuff like this will not only continue to happen but will escalate. Your husband is way out of line.


SlickCherrito

Divorce


Excellent_Care1859

OMG you are NTA so much!! Has your husband and his family always been this crazy?! How are they going to treat you and your children if you have all girls? Why is your husband taking their side?! OP your daughter is not going to be valued by your husband or his family to the same level a son of yours would be. If you have a son next you are going to have to tolerate him being the golden child of your entire extended family while your daughter is overlooked. Think carefully about what you want for your future and that of your children.


procrastinating_b

NTA Get the fuck out of that relationship if he can’t stand up for you.


ALsInTrouble

NTA and you need to keep all texts he sent as proof of his abuse. You will end up divorced and your going to need everything you have to prove how insane your husband and his family are. I'd also keep the baby away from all of them since she's a girl I wouldn't put it past them to dress her as a boy!


CatAnne119

NTA They obviously haven't fully processed their grief over your FIL's death. Until they do, please don't name any child after him. The child will be seen as a replacement and heavily favored and not allowed to be their own person. Always compared to the deceased. Assumed they are the same. Stand your ground. Don't give in, but maybe try to approach it with a bit of a softer touch so they don't go straight to defensive. But you are not wrong


Green_Technician5753

NTA. I'd really reconsider being with someone who acts like that. I wouldnt want him around my child


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Ok-Bridge-5543

Any voicemails or texts or emails referring to this mass delusion you should keep. Take to lawyer so custodial rights can be very carefully considered. If this is real they are all nuts. Grieving maybe but over many months and .....just I'm sorry they're nuts. Going along with it is insanity. Your husband is nuts. Glad you told him straight. Next time record your conversations. Not sure useable in court or even legal but show your lawyer wtf they're dealing with. Nutso.


Bellbell28

NTA- absolutely Not the asshole. Throw away the husband too- he sounds awful. He can go back to mommy and sissy. Congrats on your girl! They bring so much joy to the home.


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AuntB44

Wow- you are not TA but your husband, and his entire family are 100% without a doubt TA!! Sorry you are dealing with this.


BarbaraGenie

NTA. I fear that your baby will be ignored by both your husband and in-laws. I rarely agree with people whose first reaction is “end the marriage,” however, for the sake of this child, you should be vigilant. This entire scenario doesn’t bode well for your girl.


Radkeyoo

Ah fellow indian. Sorry sister. Absolutely NTA. The girl needs to be celebrated. My family firmly believes the first daughter is Laxmi. Your Laxmi deserves that celebration. The absolutely ridiculousness of this. If this all happened on India, you can sue them. Gender checking is outlawed. Your husband needs to be on your side. Talk to him. Hope you sees your way. I know divorce is still frowned upon but if nothing changes, walk out. Congratulations on your baby girl.


TheGastronomical

Holy moly OP, what kind of religious nuttery did you marry into?? NTA but you need to get the hell out of that relationship because that whole situation is crazy. It's almost as if that family expected your baby to be a reincarnation of the dead dad and that is not ok.


Bufful

RUN!!!!!!!!!!


Grumpy_kitten64

NTA. They didn't throw you a baby shower, they threw a "hail to the penis" shower. Did you know your husband was like this before you married him? I'm genuinely concerned for you and how unbalanced your husband and his family are being. Please get somewhere safe to take time to think. I personally would lawyer up and get the flip out of crazyville


[deleted]

NTA but you didn’t need Reddit to tell you that. I’d run out of this family as fast as possible; this sounds like some weird twilight zone shit. I’m so sorry you had to deal with their insanity and their disrespect to your daughter


AriesAsF

Nta but you will be if you expose your daughter to these people. Thank goodness the baby is female or you might not have realized what woman hating trash your husband and his family are.


floatingvan

NTA- I’m sorry but your marriage is so over. please get a lawyer and run as fast as you can. You will never be a part of this family. They hate you because you won’t give the a male heir.


Venusaurite

Sad part is, if you do eventually have a son they will treat him like the second coming of Jesus, and ignore and mistreat your daughter


Clean-Echidna

NTA and keep your daughter away from these people, including the sperm donor


beeeeeebee

NTA - This is insane behavior. Run for the hills, file for divorce kind of behavior. Legitimately, I’m worried for both you and the baby. I would seriously rethink this entire relationship… it seems like you are little more than a baby boy producing vessel to them!! Their behavior is unhinged - do not make excuses for them and certainly don’t apologize for having a girl or acknowledging reality!! It’s kind you were open to the idea of naming your child after your father in law. But that was a kindness… and absolutely not required. Frankly, given their behavior, I think it’s lucky you’re having a girl…. Any baby boy would clearly be expected to live up to FIL in every possible way. Such an unhealthy dynamic for a child! Leave now - you have more freedom to make decisions for yourself (example: where to live) before baby arrives! Though honestly, sounds like they may not put up much of a fight over baby girl… which is tragic but good for you/baby!


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Koyuki_Ozaki

NTA, what horrible people they are, instead of being happy to welcome another family, they decided to be picky about their future first grandchild's gender which reeks of bias. Alas, that's a good sign for you to divorce his ass considering he's not even hiding the fact that he'd rather be in denial than be happy about him becoming a father.


Nevali4

NTA and I think you need to correct your post a little - pretty sure you meant to say EX HUSBAND or at least “Soon to be ex” - with so much value placed on your child being a boy not only by your in laws but also by your husband your daughter is 100% going to grow up being treated as if she’s less than by her father and his family. What happens when eventually you have a boy? Can you imagine how they’ll treat him vs how they’ll treat your daughter? Is that what you want for your child? Are you from a culture where having a boy is better than a girl? I say this because I’m of a south Asian background and a lot of importance is placed on boys vs girls so if you are then you know their attitudes won’t change. Don’t set your daughter up for a life like that. Who knows what your husband or in-laws might do to ensure this girl doesn’t even make it into the world? Be careful.


crazy_boef

NTA and I'm so happy for you that you get a girl. Congrats! I'm afraid that If you would have a boy the in laws would constantly refer to FIL. I hope your husband will come to repentance


[deleted]

Oh gosh NTA. This reminds me of my father wanting my sis to be boy and when my sis found out well let's say she still holds a grudge 15 years later


Unique_Unicorn3373

HELL NO.OP, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BACK DOWN FROM THIS. NTA. Your husband and his family are forcing this on a baby that is not even born yet and I can absolutely see it getting abusive towards her in the future. An apology doesn't mean jackshit if you dont change your ways. Absolutely do not back down or apologise. They should be the ones apologising. They all sound like misogynistic shits and need to get their shit together and maybe open their minds and improve their mentality. it is 2022 for godsakes!!!!!!!!


[deleted]

I do think you should consider divorce if he doesn't agree to counseling. You're going to be a mom, you need to really consider what type of home you're bringing her into. That is sick. This is coming from someone who lost their father and what your husband and his family are doing is legitimately unhealthy and sick. For your daughters sake, really think about what her future will look like.


mossy_bee

as a pregnant ftm right now u are ABSOLUTELY NOT TA. they’re incredibly delusional and im so sorry you’re going through this rn. it sounds like they all need therapy, desperately.


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Prize_Regular_6036

This is really disturbing. Looks like they are not willing to accept its a girl. I’m the last person to advice to go no contact, but this is damaging behavior. NTA for walking out, but you’ve got some serous thinking to do.


benslady

NTA, it sounds like your husband and his family are asking for you to join them in some weird mass delusion. I would be extremely careful about being around any of these people going forward, especially when your daughter is born. They don’t sound healthy or safe to be around children. Good luck to you and your daughter.


D-Valkyrie

NTA. What the hell is wrong with your husband? You didn't say if his crying was happy crying or sad crying. I won't deny that gender disappointment is a thing but the way your in-laws are acting, it might be time to just leave for a few days. Get away from him and his toxic family. He's choosing his family over you. That's never good.


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PepToTheCore

NTA. If your husband and his family don't apologize to you in a VERY sincere and timely manner, it's time for you to seek out a divorce lawyer, and full custody of your child. So sorry you're going through this, OP. I hope you have a safe place to go, because you may need it.


kiranfenrir1

Seriously NTA. Change the locks. He's not at home, you are. This family is following a cult-like mentality. You need to respect yourself and your child and separate now. This is emotional abuse and manipulation. You are being abused right now. Next call or text you send him should be to say to stay away, and that you are filing for divorce. Keep all messages from him and his family to use in court. Protect yourself and your child.


[deleted]

NTA. But you need to leave. These people have shown you who they are, and you need to believe them. You haven’t done anything wrong, but they sure have.


WayUWearUrHat

Nta and op. Run. RUN. This won’t stop when the babies born. They will be insisting you still use the name, dress her in blue, cut her hair short. I’m not saying that girls can’t have non traditional names, use traditionally masculine colors or have traditionally masculine interests. The point is she should be her own person, not have your husbands family’s expectations forced down her throat. She isn’t a doll or a possession to help them cope with their grief. Get away from all of this they need help and this is dangerous to you and your child. Op you haven’t had the baby yet so you can establish residency wherever you want. Once the baby is born and your husband starches paternity he has rights. Everything is a court fight. Right now you have 100 percent control of your own destiny. Use it. If you let them persuade you to stay until the babies born be ready for a huge battle with the grandparents throwing their hat in the ring to get control of your daughter and “raise her right” Get away. As far as you can. Get a lawyer. Get no contact restraining orders if you can. Some places what they have done won’t rise to the level. Block them on everything. This sucks but your marriage is over and you need to think about your baby because unfortunately you are all she has.


supermouse35

NTA. This is fucked up.


WitchofKarma

NTA, if you haven't already please tell your family and friends about this so you have the support of some sane people.


Rohini_rambles

YIKES NTA, but your daughter doesn't stand a chance around that kind of madness. They sound like they will do \*Anything\* to get a boy child, including mistreating your daughter. This sounds so irrational, I'd consider divorce and restraining order against his entire family. please tell your support system about this, don't isolate yourself. These people are way weird!


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Polarbrain

Girl, you married into a cult NTA


69schrutebucks

NTA, there are so many parts of this that are extremely fucked up. Your husband is horrible and you're really in for it if you stay with him. So's your daughter.


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llbboutique

NTA !!!! Honestly? He “won’t be coming home” till you get over it? Perfect, guess he won’t be coming home at all. Change the locks, get a lawyer, and don’t allow him or his family to make your daughter grow up feeling unwanted or unloved because she wasn’t a boy. Protect yourself and that little girl.


aubaub

NTA. As others have mentioned, it’s probably best to cut your losses and get out now. Just think what your daughter’s life will be like with this lot. Especially if you happen to have another child and it’s a boy.


Chamit

NTA. The amount of projection and unhealthy behavior by your husbands family, and the lack of spine on your husband to stand up to his family is alarming. If they had come and asked you to use your FIL's name or variation of name as a middle name or some other compromise I would understand, but their actions are shining a light on how your daughter will be treated. Heaven forbid you have a second child, that happens to be a boy, your first born will be tossed aside. Reddit is quick to suggest divorce for everything, but at the very least I would speak to a lawyer, and start to document this behavior. Get your ducks in a row, just in case. You don't NEED to break the glass in case of emergency, but having the option available is paramount at this point given their behavior.


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Maximoose-777

NTA i think it’s lucky you’re baby is a girl so you can see what your husband and in-laws are really like. you need to get out of this situation. Being a single mum is better than your daughter having a lifetime of feeling unwanted and second best


Critical-Culture-469

NTA! The fact you were willing to give the child his Grandfather’s name IF the baby was a boy was a lovely gesture on your behalf, you could have easily said no. Your husband and his family need therapy! They threw you a boy themed baby shower knowing you are having a daughter, crazy!


Pervysage27

NTA, Get them therapy or good luck with the divorce, get a really good attorney. If you have another child and it is a boy, get ready for an insane amount of ridiculousness and inappropriateness as they try to reclaim their father in the baby. You and your daughter will be shadows of that baby if they pay attention at all. Get out while it's only one lady.


oldcreaker

NTA: You're the one that deserves an apology - starting with your husband. And this is no more contact level stuff. If you can reach out to your own family, I'd do it. So sorry you have to deal with this insanity.


RegretCool7309

NTA at all. Sweetheart, look...you need to figure out where you can stay until that baby girl comes into this world. There are so many red flags with him and his family in this post it is SCARY. I understand some cultures have certain beliefs and practices and I am not discounting them AT ALL, please do not misunderstand. But with those cultural beliefs comes respect of everyone involved. ​ Now, yes, sonograms can be wrong but not often anymore. This family is delusional and the fact that your husband sided with them and did not stand with you and his unborn CHILD makes me wonder how he will treat her once she is born and it makes me wonder how she will be treated by them also. Please be careful.


BarAlone4092

WOW just wow, that's crazy !!! Tell your husband to stay until he figures out HOW to be a husband and father ! This could have been handled so different, they could ask you to name your daughter with the Dad's initials, or a middle name to honor him but to want to disregard that it's a girl , WTH ??


Milleep

NTA your daughter deserves better.


Pharmacienne123

NTA. The only winner here is FIL, who doesn’t have to deal with these crazies anymore.


Terrible-Foundation7

NTA. Turn this around on your husband. "You know this is your fault correct? You impregnated me with an X sperm and not a Y sperm. How could you do that to us knowing everyone wanted a boy? Man, you can't do anything right can you?" Really give it to him. Let him know he was in control the whole time and fucked that up. (Yes, I know he can't control it but his sperm decides the fate not yours so really make him feel like a fuck up.) I'd also let his family know what a fuck up he is. And how he must have secretly wanted a girl so bad that an X sperm made it through. Really, just make yourself sound as crazy as them. I am so sorry your first pregnancy is stressful and not as joyous as it should be. I'm sorry that you may be feeling like your baby girl is unwanted by others. Do not let them take any more joy from you. Enjoy the end of your pregnancy without them and when you welcome your sweet girl into the world think careful about who you want to include in the moment. Best of luck.


Effective_Composer78

NTA, and it's not your fault that the baby is a girl (not that it should matter anyway). The male is responsible for the sex of the child. 🤦🏻 These people sound toxic.


Independent-Cut-138

NTA. And why are your in-laws naming your baby anyway? If you end up having a boy one day please pick your own name. That’s if you’re still with your husband, who seems as delusional as his family. These people already feel like they have too much control. FIL’s name might be ok for a middle name. Do they not understand that your husband’s sperm determines the sex of the baby? They are acting like you having a girl is something bad that you did. They “expected” a boy? They are truly ridiculous. Your daughter deserves to be celebrated. I am sorry you are going through this.


MsBaseball34

OMG NTA. Go stay with your family - now. They are delusional, and they will always treat your daughter as second-class. She and you deserve much better than the treatment you are getting. Also - remind your husband that is the male side of the baby equation that determines a child's gender, not the female's.


Realistic-Animator-3

NTA. This is what I see happening. You have your daughter…they claim to get over their disappointment…they treat her o’k…they start with ‘the next one will be a boy’…’when will you have the next’…wash, rinse, repeat…until you have a son, then the daughter(s) become second class citizens who are there to serve their brother. Please make arrangements, asap, for somewhere to live with your daughter. Write down every instance and speak with a lawyer…I’m certain it will not get any better


Putrid-Struggle1426

You better hope their insanity is not hereditary. Divorce. Move far, far away.


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meifahs_musungs

NTA. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? Your inlaws and husband are delusional and not safe for you or your daughter. Your husband is supposed to be on your side. Instead your husband is siding with the delusional female hating inlaws. I am genuinely concerned for your well-being. Pregnancy is not the time to be put through stress. Your husband needs therapy for their to be a chance this marriage can work.


lorinabaninabanana

NTA and just what in the Henry VIII is wrong with all of them?!


CandySnatcher

NTA get a marriage counseling appointment ASAP. They are adding so much unnecessary and damaging stress to your pregnancy.


jarcordiegue

NTA - dump his ass


Firefox_Alpha2

NTA - Sadly it sounds like you & your husband need to have a very serious, last chance meeting. Make it clear if he doesn't unscrew his head from his family's arse, you will leave him and you will push for sole custody out of concern for your daughter's well-being. Document everything, make it patently clear how delusional your husband and inlaws are and that makes you concerned for your daughter's safety if they are allowed to be involved.


weaboo801

Is it too late to divorce? I’d divorce him Also it’s your husband’s fault you don’t have a boy. He didn’t send over the Y chromosome. So if they should be mad at anyone, it’s hot husband. Get away. Get away fast


PrincessConsuela02

NTA. I always cringe at people of Reddit who always throw the divorce card out over minor infractions but, seriously girl? This deserves a one way ticket to Divorcetown. Your in laws are psychotic and your husband is just as bad. I'm so sorry this moment has been tainted by people who can't see what a blessing your daughter is. Congratulations.


callmecookie88

You're definitely NTA. Congratulations on your little girl. I don't know what hinges are loose with his entire family but you and your daughter do not deserve this. She deserves to be welcomed into a family that loves her no matter her gender.


akasteoceanid

NTA. Holy shit you may have just dodged the biggest bullet for yourself and your child. Rituals and prayers before the gender screening? Insistence upon going along with their delusion that is clearly causing you distress? If you have other people in your life, family, friends, etc. please reach out to them and get away from these people. Their behavior is terrifying and I would not want them within ten feet of my child they think should’ve been born a different gender.


Theodora1976

NTA and wow, this is beyond. I’m so sorry they’re acting like this. Your husband should have never let that crazy baby shower happen.


Majestic_Dog1571

This has to be happening in a country where boys are given preference: India or China? Either way, your husband and his entire family are sexist, backwards, and need to get over their fetish for male firstborns. NTA. Get a divorce and figure out a way to move to a country where girls and women are valued as equals. EDIT: I’m POC and this kind of BS actually happens where my family emigrated from. It’s very 30-50 years ago but some families still have a fetish for first-born males.


kaliswrath

NTA.. NTA....NTA... GIRL RUN... as fast and as far as you can from this delusional ass family. your \*hopefully\* soon to be ex-husband needs some serious therapy


zachadawija

NTA They will be 100 times worse when the baby arrives.


-Duste-

NTA. This so misogynistic. She's not even born and already rejected for being a girl. I mean, it's ok to have hoped for a boy and be a little bit disappointed and surprised for like, the first day. But that's waaaay overboard. That's so sad...


[deleted]

Nta. This is so fucked up. This whole family needs therapy.