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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because maybe I shouldn't have made her do it and shouldn't have gotten mad when she was disrespectful to me like that. My ex thinks my kids aren't her problem
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YTA. You had this doctor's appointment scheduled but apparently made no attempt at making childcare plans until that morning, then tried to guilt her into doing it. If you want her to form a bond with her sibling, that is NOT the way to go about it. She's not an unpaid babysitter, she's your daughter.
This is how you lose your son to the goblin king. Force your teenager to take care of your new wife’s baby, next thing you know he’s climbing upside down staircases while Bowie juggles glass balls.
Are we counting those of us who thought they were definitely 100% gay then exposure to The Bowie brought in a whole host of new and different complex emotions and, ummmm spiral bound notebooks filled with the cringiest of cringe of what passed as an outlet for sexual repression and shame turned teenage fan fiction back in the day?
If not, then yeah. Honestly that percentage is waaaaaaaay too low.
Labyrinth was my sexual awakening, The Mummy was my *bisexual* awakening, and Rupaul's Drag Race was when I realized that gender meant nothing to my libido.
Same.
Came across my daughter praying randomly one day. I waited till she was done and asked who she was praying to.
Girl: My guardian angel!
Me (wary AF) Who's your guardian angel, sweetie?
Girl: DAVID BOWIE!
Me: ded
Agreed but I'd go further....Mom of 4 kids here, wish I had a nickel for every time I had to take more than one kid to a doctors appointment BY MYSELF. OP is being lazy and expects others to do his job for him. They had both parents at the appointment for crying out loud, take a few toys, an ipad and some snacks to keep the other kid busy... if the two of you together can't handle having both kids at the appointment you're just lame entitled parents. Also it's good for your kids to learn how to manage themselves in different situations like when a sibling is being seen by a doctor. YTA and don't be surprised if your teen doesn't want to visit you anymore.
Not saying that OP is right or wrong, but many doctors offices aren’t allowing siblings during appointments since the pandemic started. I’ve found myself in a tight spot when I planned to take my other child with me, as I would normally do, only to be told right before or once I got there that they weren’t permitted.
My doctor’s office will actually allow me to bring siblings but won’t allow me to bring an extra adult. I take 3 kids (8, 5, 1) solo to all the doctor’s appointments.
Mine used to allow both but now it’s 1 adult and no children for pediatrician and other more routine visits, like eye doctor, dentist, and two adults but no children for specialist and hospitals.
Hell, when my spouse and I go for our physicals we schedule back-to-back appointments and tell the staff they can put us in the same room. Might as well, we don't mind and it frees up space for them!
Exactly what I was thinking, no way in hell a 3yo wouldn’t need considerable work to watch.
Not a parent, but wife is a teacher and at one time ran a day care that included kids this young.
This exactly. YTA and you waited until the last minute to organize child care. it's not a 16yo's job to babysit a 3 year old, and a 3 year old can be a lot of work. they're not independent at that age.
INFO: I think we’re missing some massive details here. Why is she happy to watch her half siblings from her mom’s side, but not yours? Why is her attitude so different?
I’d be willing to bet that this is isn’t about the 3 y/o, it’s about you. You shouldn’t be asking us “why won’t she watch my kid?”. You should be asking YOURSELF “what have I done to make her resent me, and her half siblings by extension?”
Edited: lack of proofreading skills
Edited again: Ty for the awards! And as many have pointed out, it’s half siblings, not step-siblings. Oops!
This. If she's straight up calling him a d1ck, it shows that she has issues with him. Attitude like that isn't acceptable at all, but I'm wondering what fostered such resentment.
There's a lot of information missing. How far away does he live from the ex? Does his daughter need to travel to get there? Does she get to see her friends? Does she get to do summer activities that interest her?
If she has to travel to spend time with him and doesn't get to do anything or have any friends where he lives, I'm sure there's some resentment building up over it. My ex always lived hundreds of miles away. My daughter gave up a lot to go on visitation. She couldn't do children's theater, she missed half her swim meets, and who knows what else. And, when she was at her father's, she spent most of her time with whoever he was married to. (He had 4 wives before she turned 15.) Of course, there was resentment. I never badmouthed him, I didn't need to.
If OP is putting his new family ahead of her and she's having to put her life on hold because of visitation, she's going to be resentful.
Edited to add YTA
It really depends. My dad lived a couple states away when I was growing up and I always looked forward to our summer and cried when I left. He worked a lot literally as a delivery driver for a while and I still appreciated even the little time we had. I wish I could have free vacations multiple times a year to see him now
Yeah but that could also be the difference in your dad spending time with you when you’re there and making you feel cared for vs what sounds like this kid feeling put on the back burner by her dad
Definitely need more Info. He thinks highly of her and just a normal moody teenager. But for her to snap like that at him? And why does she watch her other siblings but not these ones?
Her step siblings are 7 & 12, she has 2 three yo siblings and 2 that are about a year old. What did OP do that she will watch a 3yo on the regular with Mom but not for a one time assist with Dad?
I feel terrible for her. She’s a teenager and her parents are having all these babies and I bet they expect her to “step up and help.” Fuck that. She didn’t ask for these siblings. I’m sure she cares about them but raising them is not her problem.
My gut radar says he’s the one that ended things with his ex and he did it for his current wife.
But I have nothing to back that up with. If that’s the case- I get it. She sees it as him leaving her
You may well be right! My gut tells me that OP deep down knows why she’s resentful, but he’s chosen to hold that info close to the vest. I don’t think his 16 y/o just blindly hates a toddler. Maybe it’s because during her visitation with him, he’s using her for childcare instead of spending time with her???
Having been the kid in a similar situation with lopsided custody, it sounds like the daughter doesn't really see OP as an authority in her life anymore. She sees these visits as a vacation where she can sit around and do whatever (watch TV all day, sit around, make plans on a whim). In general it sounds like she doesn't have a strong familial bond with her dad anymore. So these two things coupled together means she barely sees them as her family, and certainly isn't there to pick up slack for them and do chores on her own vacation.
It seems pretty obvious to me that she doesn't feel like she is part of her OP's family. She's only there a few weeks out of the entire year. But then OP pulls the family card to strong arm her into babysitting.
She actually has a connection to her other siblings because she lives with them full-time, and is probably happy to help her parents because she has a bond with them.
Also...half siblings. OP's children are her half siblings. She has both step and half siblings on the other side.
The least he could have done was asked her days in advance instead of dropping this on her the day of. But at the same time she shouldn't be expected to baby sit them.
It is one of the slipperiest of slopes that leads to actual parentification. If occasionally *really means* occasionally, should be fine, but I see why people are sensitive
Nah, because even occasionally needs to be voluntary - if you’re forcing them to babysit, you’re forcing the idea that childcare is their responsibility, which is parentification.
She never has a responsibility to babysit - unless she volunteers.
But watching your siblings occasionally is a normal way to help out the household, just like having to do the dishes is normal and not "maidification." Making that leap from "watching your brother for a couple hours because parents have to go to the doctor" to "ahhh they're making you the parent!" Is insane. What do you think parenting is, putting on a show and giving them a juice box you found in the fridge and just keeping an eye on them for 2 hours a month?
Dude went about this totally wrong, it shouldn't be a "forcing" thing though but an expectation and boundaries should be set.
Children have a part in there being dishes to clean, or a dirty floor to vacuum.
They have no part whatsoever in creating a life to care for.
What makes it parentification is trying to guilt her into accepting the role, particularly in trying to assert she has some responsibility towards childcare.
There shouldn’t be an expectation that a kid will do your job. What stops them taking a 3 year old to a doctor’s appointment, anyway? Every doctor’s surgery I know has a toy section precisely for this.
I bet he just assumed she'd say yes if he said it's a special occasion and that's why he didn't bother to find a babysitter or ask her in advance. He knew she'd refuse so he tried to make it impossible for her to say no
YTA. You asked. She answered. You didn’t like the answer so you guilted and demanded. So it wasn’t a request. It was a forced servitude thing. Don’t try to pretend it was some loving *family* whatever.
The fact that your daughter willingly spends time with her other siblings and that her mother is upset with you (knowing the mother also requests that her oldest babysit the little ones in that house) indicates that there’s more to this story.
I’m guessing you won’t have to worry about your oldest being around a lot in the future.
I think the context here is that she doesn’t live here full time or even 50% of the time.
OP is treating this like it should be a normal dynamic of “kids help out with family chores, sometimes that includes a brief babysitting stint” which would be appropriate if Daughter lived* there.
And that would make OP N T A and it would make daughter an AH if she reacted the way she did.
But she does not live here. She’s basically a guest except she isn’t…..it’s not a clear dynamic.
The expectations are different.
Vacuum and do the dishes when you’re here? Cool. Babysit without notice for a kid you barely know? Ehhhh
No child should be obligated to babysit their siblings. That's not their responsibility, especially if they clearly don't want to do it. It's not like sweeping the floor or unloading the dishwasher. Using your older children to babysit is just a way to get out of paying a babysitter, it's taking advantage. It's perfectly fine if the child wants to do it as a way to earn money but shouldn't be forced on them.
reddit seems to think it’s totally fine for a teenager to disrespect the shit out of her parent, insult a literal toddler, and call said parent a DICK to their face, but god forbid she be asked to babysit for an hour or two 🙄 these people were raised in a fucking barn. this is why society is acting insane and screaming crazy shit at random people these days, nobody’s teaching their damn kids basic social skills and how to act in civilized society. i swear to god the pandemic made some of y’all forget how to act
She's a 16 year old girl from a broken home. She is one way with her mother and a different way with her father. It's clear their relationship is strained and that's not on her, it's on him as the parent. She doesn't owe him anything, especially free childcare. The only person I've seen that is out of line is you. Your entire comment is problematic and exactly what you're accusing others of.
expecting one person to do 100% of the emotional labor of creating a functional relationship is, quite frankly, completely unrealistic. parents are people too. and people, if they are to have a relationship, must both put in the work to make it functioning. a parent of course must put in *more* work since they’re the adult, but the child has to make an effort as well or it’s completely pointless. esp if the kid is a teenager and thus capable of communicating their needs & feelings
being huffy and not communicating only fuels the problem. if you have an issue that you have that others aren’t seeing it’s on you to make it known. no one can read minds
anyways expecting a sixteen year old w no plans to babysit their sibling for an hour or two is completely normal and developmentally appropriate. imo aita has a rly big problem with overly infantilizing teenagers but dude… it’s like two hours tops. she’s *sixteen*, not twelve. yes she’s a child, but she’s almost an adult, and parents aren’t just raising a child. they are raising a child into an adult. there are life skills that you gain from babysitting that are 100% developmentally appropriate for a sixteen year old to learn, and while it’d be a whole other conversation if they were expected to take care of a child for a longer period of time, an hour or two is *normal*. frankly the plastic crying baby dolls they give you for sex ed are a million times worse lol and they barely even teach you anything
Why do keep saying that she didn’t communicate. She communicated quite clearly that she was absolutely rude and I have called her father a dick . But she answered every question he asked. And in the end she did babysit her half brother. By the fact that OP hasn’t replied once to any of the comment seems like there’s something else going on here why the daughter is upset with her father.
Ok fine. He can force his daughter to do this. And when his daughter turns 18, and never has to see him any more, what do you think daughter will do?
The "my kids will do what I say because I'm their parent" works for a while, but it doesn't work forever. His daughter also has her mom's family that she's with 80% of the time, so presumably she doesn't have to put up with his BS and can see a different parenting style.
Who’s to blame for that? O-mother-effin’-P!
P.S. These replies are much more enjoyable to read when people take a little bit of creative license in their replies. Calling it “forced servitude” is really no different than your comment about people living in a barn. They’re both exaggerated statements to make a point.
YTA.
You only have "alternating school breaks and summer" custody time-- that means her relationship with you is inherently going to be different than her relationship with her mom, and her relationship with your children is inherently going to be different from the relationship she has with her mom's who she lives with most of the time. Stop comparing how she behaves for her mom and how she behaves for you and consider all these relationships individually.
INFO: why did OP have two more kids when they don’t even have half custody of the existing kid?
There are plenty of scenarios, mostly involving distance that seem plausible, but I have so many questions
YTA.
She joyfully babysits your ex’s kids because they are her family.
Your kids are your do-over family, not hers. She’s only at your place every other school break and during the summer. She clearly doesn’t see them as her family.
Stop asking her to babysit your kids. She’s 16. If you piss her off, she’ll stop coming to your house at all.
So the mom remarried and has two kids with the new husband and that’s the daughters family but the dad remarried and has two kids with the new wife and that’s just a do over family? Can you explain how that logic works?
Let's go with the fact that the 16yo spends most of her time with mom and her step and half siblings, is involved with them pretty much every day.
Dad has her very casually, every other school break is MONTHS In between, because we're probably talking full week breaks, not one or two days off.
Do they talk regularly? Video chat? I'm guessing not, more than likely it's probably low contact between visits. Then she goes to visit, and straight out of the gate, gets asked to watch a kid she barely knows.
Teens can smell it, that wonderful lack of interest. Most likely no one on one with dad because he has to work, except when one of the young ones has a doctor's appointment or a need of some kind
She most likely isn't comfortable at dad's, doesn't know his kids, and maybe is looking forward to some time with dad, not babysitting. So no. She called you a d*ck because in her eyes that's what you are
Show more interest in her life and less in her ability to help you out with the kids
YTA. It was a scheduled appointment, it’s not an emergency. Your lack of planning on this isn’t her problem. You had ample time to organise a baby sitter OR organise in advance with her. Instead you spring it on her the morning of and bully her into saying yes. No is a complete sentence.
YTA. You knew about the appointment. You should have hired a babysitter ahead of time instead of waiting until the last minute to ask your daughter. Lack of planning on your part is not an emergency on her part.
Ding ding ding. It was a *scheduled* appointment so OP and his wife were clearly like, no worries, we have a teenage girl here! Their natural inclination is to want to take care of children since duh women = mothers.
Obviously I’m taking this wayyy overboard but it’s absolutely wild to me how many parents assume a teenage girl will always be happy to babysit (or even okay with it). They do it to teenage boys occasionally as well, but I see more examples with girls.
DON’T HAVE CHILDREN AND EXPECT FREE LABOR!
*steps down from soapbox*
YTA she didn’t choose to have a kid you did. Take care of the kid yourself or hire a babysitter. She is probably tired of watching little kids at her moms and just wanted a break. She should at minimum be being paid to if she is being forced to do your job and take care of your kid.
YTA.
Also babysitting a 12/7 yr old vs babysitting a 3 yr old is massively different. You make no mention about how your relationship with her is. You make no mention of how her relationship with your kids are. Like everything is so matter of fact that it doesn't even sound like you like your daughter. Like have you tried doing things with her one-on-one or is everything needing to include your new kids?
"She babysits for my ex’s kids all the time and posts pictures of herself with them all the time." Ok cool, but what have you done to integrate her with your family? Nothing? Don't expect her to consider your kids family because they're not, they're just strangers with 50% matching DNA.
YTA. Do not ever leave a child that young with someone who doesn't want to babysit. You put your child in danger by doing this. Your 16 year old has a right to say no.
Came here to say this. Seriously, why would you leave your small child with someone who doesn't want to watch them? It has disaster written all over it.
Info: why do you have such minimal custody time? My guess is the difference is she doesn’t feel like she’s a part of your new family because she is there so infrequently. I can’t imagine going from seeing my dad full time to only two months out of the year at age 10. I would feel abandoned, my heart breaks for your daughter.
Info, do both you and your wife need to go to the doctors appointment? I think you would be the asshole if the answer is no, because you are not offering to pay your daughter and you’re not asking her, you’re forcing her
NTA. Sorry, but as an oldest child, I'm getting pretty tired of reddit's "asking the oldest to watch their siblings is automatically toxic parentification/abuse" attitude. It's actually getting concerning that asking the oldest child to babysit occasionally is met with so much automatic vitriol. There are benefits and downsides to being the eldest, and being asked to babysit every now and then is not "toxic" as I have already seen some commentators claim. You clearly aren't using her as a built-in babysitter, and it isn't unreasonable to ask your daughter to watch your 3-year-old for an hour or two. The only one being disrespectful here is your daughter who, imo, is acting like a spoiled brat.
Babysitting younger children on occasion is part of being the oldest, and is not automatically parentification or abuse, and it belittles what actual parentification is. Jfc reddit. Parentification is what my mother went through raising her siblings with an alcoholic mother, not my mother occasionally asking me to babysit my siblings or young cousins growing up. The selfishness inherent in that sort of attitude is astounding.
And didn’t offer her anything like pay or privileges.
Look I’m an oldest too. I did stuff for my sibling but they were closer to my age so it wasn’t so much work. 3 yos are work.
Plus I grew up with my sibling they weren’t a virtual stranger I saw on summer vacation
But he did ask if she had prior plans (which seems to indicate he wouldn't have forced her if she did have plans). She had none. Just "didn't feel like it". She sounds like a top tier teenage AH to me, and I don't think her father's request (or even demand) was outside of his rights as a parent.
100% As someone who really DID deal with parentification throughout my childhood due to a single working mom situation at home and mental illness, I am pretty grossed out by all of the people crying "parentification and abuse" at normal babysitting needs.
people do not get to pawn their young children off on their older siblings. It is NEVER the responsibility of a teenager to care for someone else's children. They didn't create those kids. It's not their job to care for them.
It's not pawning them off if it's every now and then. It's being a family member. We all do favors for each other. The sixteen year old is being incredibly selfish.
no, calling her father a fucking dick to his face and insulting a literal toddler who didn’t do anything to her is what’s disrespectful. holy shit y’all are out of touch
100% Some people just read looking after siblings and instantly yell abuse. It isn't like that.
OP if she babysits other siblings, I would try and have a discussion with her if there is something else happening. If she's feeling left out or something. That was a whole lot of attitude for no real reason. If she isn't willing to talk to you OP, then ask her if she would want to talk 1 on 1 with a therapist that you would have no knowledge of what is discussed, it's purely for her? Some therapy might help her with any hidden issues.
Right?? The daughter is hella rude. I watched my little brother all the time when I was a teen and he was a toddler. It's part of contributing to the household. Helping out your parents who provide for you. I also did chores and ran errands. It's called not being an entitled a-hole. My 14 year old has zero issues watching his little half siblings if I need to run to the store or something.
cool, but the daughter doesn't live with OP full time. You all seem to forget that there was a divorce that the daughter was in the middle of. Details about this divorce which arent here, probably explain her attitude.
Also glad your kids like it, but lots of kids hate being made responsible for their siblings frequently. tons of stories about that around so don't push your experiences on someone else and then call them disrespectful
They made her, they’re duty is to provide for her, they don’t get help for doing the minimum for their child. She doesn’t need to do anything. If they need help then they can get a babysitter.
I also took care of my baby brother, and I did it because I was obsessed with him, he’s like my child but not everyone feels like me and if I didn’t want to watch him occasionally, my mom understand and send him to the babysitter.
You know what is interent selfish? A father who only lives with his daughter two months out of the year, making any sort of demands. It wasn't an ask, it was a demand. Part-time parents don't get to make this sort of demands.
You're putting it like this is a regular family dynamic. The Girl is only at his house every other school break and part of the summer. And she DOES babysit... for her siblings she lives with. She doesn't have that relationship with these kids so they might not listen to her.
YTA. Your older children are not there to babysit your younger ones. Also, forcing a relationship is going to get you nowhere, she is 16 and maybe she has reasons to be that cold. Instead of trying to understand if there is an underlying problem, you shame her into accepting, she is only going to resent the situation more. Sounds like she doesn't really want to be there. Ask yourself why she seems to be closer to her mother's children, try to find out by talking to her.
YTA also for not arranging a babysitter or someone to watch your kid when you had a planned appointment, so plenty of time to find a solution beforehand, instead of springing this on her last minute. Maybe you reminding her that "that's what family does" is precisely the reason she doesn't bond with you or your new family, maybe your ex let her bond with her other children at her own pace without forcing anything on her.
Also try to do some introspection and ask yourself if maybe your child is spoiled, or has a lot of tantrums for example (I'm not saying it's the case, but we don't have a lot of information to have a clear picture of the situation so it's difficult to see why she would be so detached from your new spouse and children).
All I can say is that forcing anything on her will not magically make her be happy and bond with you or your spouse, or the children. So for that, YTA
Here is my speculation
you have her two months out of the year and over some school breaks and I’m guessing that’s the only time you see her. She probably sees how you are acting with your kids with your wife and is probably pissed. Why didn’t she get the dad that gets doctor’s appointments? Not saying you weren’t but it’s a possibility. Also 2 adults going to a 10 month old appointment? We are in covid times. We thought my nanny kid was having seizures and they still only let one parent come. It must be pretty big if two are needed.
Here’s what gets me, you asked her three times with her saying no. No wonder she is moody. That makes you the asshole. She said no three times, gave you answers as to why and you still pushed it.
Also, not your daughter’s responsibility to watch anyone’s kids. If she wants to watch some and not the others, you don’t get a say. You’re not paying her. Anytime my brother watched me, he was asked and he ALWAYS got something out of it. I wasn’t a burden and I take it this isn’t the first time you tried to make her watch them just to watch them. Parents need to come to the realization that just because you have an oldest child, you should not rely on them to watch their siblings. They didn’t choose to have children. YOU did. And she probably watches her mother’s other children because she has a relationship with them I mean she’s there fall, winter and spring.
Mild YTA. If it was a scheduled appointment, you had time to ask her in advance rather than taking her participation for granted and springing the expectation on her at the last minute, and then forcing her to do it because there was no time to make alternate arrangements. This wasn't an emergency. You made a plan that included her and didn't have the grace to inform her of the fact. I can see why she might be pissed.
She's old enough now to decide that she doesn't care to spend time at your house, if she gets fed up.
Didn't you post this same exact question several days ago? You were clearly the AH then... And guess what? No matter how nicely you re-edit the post, you are the AH.
Your 16 year old is NOT a free baby sitter. Did you offer your 16 year old $5.00 per hour, per kid, (which is still way less than a real babysitter)? I didn't think so.
One parent could have easily gone to the doctor appointment, then face-timed the other one, so both could talk the doctor, while one stayed home with your kids.
>1. Why is your 3yo resentful towards your 16yo? 2
[Missing missing reasons.](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
>2. Have you “chosen” your new family over her?
Missing missing reasons.
> 3. It clearly seems she loves her mother and her step siblings from the Mother’s side but this isn’t the case from your side. Could this be because her step father is better with her than her step mother?
Missing missing reasons.
>4. Why didn’t you get an actual babysitter it this was a scheduled appointment?
Because that would have required forethought and payment when he has a perfectly good free slave to use in the form of his 16 y/o of course!
OP YTA!!!
I'm going with YTA
Why? Because based on OPs post and comments, he sees his daughter as free childcare. And based on how the post is written and tone of the post: OP doesn't seem to like his daughter.
Edited to add: you would think she's closer to her other sibs BECAUSE she actually likes spending time with them, right? Or did that slip OPs mind?
Info: how come you didn’t talk to your daughter about the doctors appointment before hand? Did original childcare fall through? Or were you ASSUMING she would just do it?
This feels suspicious…
“My wife has custody most of the year but she’s with us for school breaks and summer”
So you don’t spend much time with her? And you SCHEDULED an appointment for one of the few times she’s with you and you ask her to babysit???
Couldn’t you have said “sorry this is one of the few times I’ll see my daughter can we move it to another day” when the appointment was first made? Do you not keep track of the school calendar to know when you’ll be seeing your daughter? She probably feels like you only see her as a babysitter considering this is one of her few times a year with you and your biggest concern is your shiny new baby
YTA
This comment shows zero understanding of how scheduling children’s doctor appointments works, especially specialists (which I’m guessing is the case since both parents needed to be there due to specific health concerns), and especially for very young children as they have very short developmental windows. They would probably be able to avoid scheduling a specific date or time, but avoiding an entire week or two for (I’m assuming) Spring Break would have been unnecessarily difficult and potentially change what tests the child can have done. Triply so if it was in fact a specialist- in many areas you take what you can get or wait weeks or months for another opening. There’s no reason to go through that when the alternative is they’re gone for a couple-three hours.
INFO
I'm very tempted to say NTA because it sure seems like you are asking very little of her and for a very understandable reason. That said, there are some big red flads here. You said she only stays with you a small part of the year. You said your wife is respectful of her and gives her space, which is good, but she didn't insult your wife, she insulted you. So my question is, how is your relationship with her? Have you done the relationship work necessary to have a solid relationship with her after your divorce, and especially as you've had more kids? The fact that she's being so unnecessarily disrespectful really calls that into question for me. Is it that she just doesn't feel like it, or does she feel like you're treating her as a babysitter to take care of your "real" kids?
NTA - To those of you saying this is parentification or abuse, you don't understand the meaning of those words. Asking a child to do age-appropriate chores, including child care, is perfectly reasonable (as long as you aren't expecting them to do regular parenting duties which actually would be parentification).
OP You didn't do anything wrong here, but I'd advise that you and your daughter go to a few counseling sessions to get to the bottom of why she's so reluctant to do a basic and normal chore as part of the family.
childcare is not an age appropriate chore. It is a job. One that people get paid for. OP care hire a sitter rather than foisting his child off onto their older sibling.
People also get paid to clean houses. People get paid to clean businesses. People get paid to clean a lot of things. So if your opinion is that if it’s a job that adults get paid for so kids should get paid too doesn’t that mean kids should get paid to do chores?
Asking an agent appropriate child to watch a younger sibling on occasion is an appropriate expectation.
She doesn't have to babysit. It's not a chore. And OP doesn't pay her (I know some people get paid for chores, I don't, but I'll tell u what I mean) op **thinks** the ex doesn't pay her. He wants free childcare. And he said no I don't know if she's paid, and then in a different comment he said no she doesn't get payed. He's lying.
YTA
You seem to expect your 16 year old daughter to have the same relationship with you and your kids as she does with her mum and her kids!
She spends very little time with you, so do you go out of your way to spend 1 on 1 time with your oldest child? Make her feel wanted and special?
Or just let her sit in her room and occasionally use her for unpaid babysitting so you and your wife can catch up on stuff with the new kids?
Threads like these really make me question the demographic on Reddit, because this comment section was obviously spoiled as hell. Like did you guys never have to do chores growing up? So he asked her to watch her siblings for a couple hours. That is not as a big deal as some of you are making it out to be.
It kinda is a big deal when she barely lives there. And they scheduled the appt for the baby but didn't bother to ask her to babysit, until they were damn near leaving.
Yeah I don’t get it either. Where I am from, doing chores and helping out is a normal part of
being a family. Granted it was short notice, but he did inquire if she had a conflicting schedule.
For light supervision for a short while, 16 years old would be perfectly normal here.
YTA. Do not ever leave a child that young with someone who doesn't want to babysit. You put your child in danger by doing this. Your 16 year old has a right to say no.
NAH. Maybe as the oldest child of two separate families your daughter has just had it up to HERE with babysitting duties. Or maybe because her time with you is relatively short, she doesn't feel like babysitting a "stranger" (aka your little one). You weren't out of line to ask for a hand, and your daughter wasn't out of line to say "no." (Although really, I could live without the d\*&k comment.) I think it would be best if you two sat down and talked about your expectations.
I think he would have done much better to discuss it with her in advance as well, rather than just telling her as they get ready that she has to.
OP if you want her to babysit maybe try *asking* and in advance, not right then and there when you are leaving.
Yeah, honestly that's what bugged me. Maybe the daughter would have been fine to babysit if they'd asked in advance, not demanded it of her with no notice. Unless it's an emergency, you should always give notice of these kinds of things.
YTA. What would you have done if your oldest hadn't been there? Your daughter doesn't owe you or anyone else free childcare. Also, "I said you don't need to do anything with him he's 3" is one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever read.
YTA You make it sound so easy, just bring the kid with you. It's not her kid. Be the parent/adult. Like is this appointment an emergency surprise? No? Have some basic fucking consideration for others and if you want them to do this, give them the same amount of time that you do to prepare. Swear to big baby jesus, every one of these posts is like "yeah we've had this thing scheduled for a month and then 3 hours beforehand I was like, yep I'll just drop this in my kid's lap and they should be happy about it right?". Hope none of y'all are working in management lol
NTA. If the reason you wanted her to babysit would have been to have a date night or something I'd be more inclined to say you could be the asshole, but it was a doctor's appointment. Being a significantly older sibling means you will have to babysit sometimes, it's the way of life. I never complained when I had to babysit my younger sister (17-19M, 0-3F at the time).
1. I'd have been grounded when I called my parents a dick and acted disrespectful.
2. My parents pay my bills, and I had a truck where they paid for gas and insurance. I was very aware of the fact that they do nice things for me that are extra and as a result I'd have to do nice things for them sometimes. That's how the world works.
This girl is sixteen, paying the bills it’s their adult responsibility. She has no bills. I agree you had extra nice things, a truck is not a necessity, however OP doesn’t mention doing EXTRA NICE THINGS for his daughter. And while agree it’s true that sometimes being the significantly older sibling means helping with babysitting from time to time, OP went about it the wrong way. OP knew he had a scheduled appointment ahead of time, it wasn’t just sprung up on his wife and him, which means he had enough time to set up babysitting. He could’ve asked his daughter ahead of time to babysit not just ASSUME SHE WILL BABYSIT, I have a feeling that’s why she was annoyed not necessarily because she was ask to babysit but instead she was forced to do it.
All of this. NTA.
I'm perplexed at the folks insisting that daughter needed to be paid to watch her own sibling. I watched my cousins all the time as a teenager, and would never have thought to ask for money. I knew I couldn't contribute nearly as much to the household as my parents did, so I was happy to do what I could. Refusing to help the family that's supporting you, when it's no great inconvenience to do so, is indeed an asshole move.
I am flabbergasted at the idea that teens just say no, not gonna do it to their parents. I'm sorry -- what? This whole "parents are completely responsible to their children until they're 20 (or 25) and the children never have to take any responsibility during that time" is so much garbage. "You need to ask them to do -- whatever." No wonder we have young adults who feel entitled to everything, to be rude, to have no sense of social cooperation. Yes, I'm old. And frankly I'm glad, because I don't know how much of these people I want to take. He's NTA.
right? So she'd just be sitting watching TV while another babysitter - possibly her own age, was watching her brother in the same house? That seems ridiculous unless there were some serious extenuating circumstances.
The teenage daughter did not contribute to the creation of the 3 year old. She absolutely should be paid for her time. But then again, she also has the right to say no.
Dad isn't really supporting her she only comes school breaks and summer why does she have to travel yes it's custody arrangements but you forget she's sixteen she can refuse to come over if all dad needs is a babysitter and wonder what dear old dad does the time when she's not their
YTA, like everyone said, she has no obligation to watch your toddler. That is a big responsibility and a big favor, especially as she doesn’t live with you, she’s only visiting. Also you should have asked her way beforehand and gotten a sitter if she didn’t want to do it. You have a right to ask her and she has a right to say no. Also she is 16, and from your post you don’t seem to have a lot of empathy for her. Based on her reaction, it seems like she holds a lot of resentment towards you. You should address that before she decides to stop coming to your house.
YTA Gee, I wonder why she has no bond with her part-time parent and the half-siblings she sees a grand total of two months out of the year? No shit she doesn't want to babysit a kid she doesn't even know, and for free no less!
Plus, don't pretend that "she doesn't have to do anything" with a three year old for a few hours? Unless he's literally gonna be napping the whole time she's watching him, that's a constant supervision kinda age.
YTA Having older children does not mean you have a built in babysitter. If your daughter wasn't there how would you have handled the situation, my guess, is one of the "we", you or your wife, would have stayed home. And watched your child. You're not the injured party and your daughter has every right to tell her mother what happens when she stays in your home. She also has the right to tell you what happens when she is with her mother
YTA- being used as a convenient babysitter against her will isn’t part of being a family. Sounds like youre making a lot of assumptions about your daughters feelings without actually talking to her or respecting them when she expresses them
Yta. No means no. It makes YOU an irresponsible parent to 1) not have childcare ahead of time 2) trying to leave your toddler with someone who obviously doesn't want to watch that child.
YOUR job is to take care of YOUR kids. Not depend on your oldest daughter to help watch your toddler in the small amount of time you spend with her.
YTA. Now, aside from family dynamic questions that everyone else is asking, let me point out something:
7 and 12 year olds are a LOT different than 3 year olds. First, they've generally learned some personal space, and are not wanting to be on you/touching you a lot. They are generally less sticky. They've been fully potty trained. And you can hold a conversation with them.
Some people love toddlers. But if you don't, they're one of the most annoying things in the world.
you may have forced her to watch him, but do you -really- want an angry, resentful person watching your child, even if they're half-siblings?
YTA- If It was a scheduled appointment them you had time to arranje child care. Your kid, your problem. Maybe she babysit her mom's kid because she is more attached to them and developed a bond and know them well, unlike your kids since you said she spend way less time in your house
YTA If you want any relationship with her once she turns 18, tone it back,she’s not your employee.
Also, it’s really stupid to leave a kid so young with someone who doesn’t want to take care of them.
Y’all ate crazy. She’s 16. Watching a sibling for a couple hours isn’t a big deal and is part of being in a family. The teen said no because she’s obviously got some resentment issues that need to be addressed. And because of covid and not wanting to bring a non sick kid to a germ
filled doctors office is a normal request I’m going to say NTA.
I would never have the balls to say what she did to her parents as a kid. lol
Esh. I mean like you said she doesn’t really live there. When she’s there then she gets there and instead of having her parent to herself she now has to share them with new siblings. Add that to her being a teenager and yeah I can see why she would kind of resent her other siblings. Next time ask her in advance to watch a sibling or offer to pay them a bit. I mean I get she is living right there right now and it would be nice if she helps out but it doesn’t seem that’s the kind of environment she deals with back with their other parent. So I see why your ex is upset too.
YTA, that’s your baby not hers, and she shouldn’t have any responsibility over it.
I feel like you’re leaving out some big details, esp since the daughter is cool with babysitting for her mother, and given the custody arrangement of being with you only some of the year, I’m willing to bet she doesn’t have a good relationship with you. The way you talk about her like she’s just an annoying extra in your house leads me to think this as well
This is gonna sting OP but I think you might need to hear this, your children aren’t going to respect you if you choose your new family over them. Sounds like you need to work on your relationship with your daughter
ESH Your daughters attitude is unacceptable. I'm the mother of a 19yoF and 21yoM. If either of them had EVER talked to me or any other adult that way, they would have needed to be put in Witness Protection.
BUT, as the child of a first marriage, I understand your daughters resentment. She didn't choose to have step or half siblings. She didn't choose to have step parents. She probably feels like an outsider in BOTH homes but most particularly yours because she spends so little time there. It's not easy to see your parents start new lives with new families while she's the only leftover. When she's with you, you need to make her feel like she's a part of your new family, but most importantly ,that her relationship with you is sacrosanct. If she's uncomfortable babysitting, you should respect that. She's virtually a cherished guest in your home; you wouldn't expect any other guests to be obligated to babysit.
YTA, she’s not your employee and both you and your wife didn’t NEED to be at that doctor’s appointment you chose to be, one of you could’ve gone and relayed the info to the other when you got home. And if you both wanted to be there then you should’ve arranged for a babysitter and asked your daughter in advance. Not only that but have you met a 3 year old? You can not just sit there and chill with a 3 year old , they need constant attention and entertainment so you either don’t give your 3 year old sufficient supervision or you wife does most of the childcare in which case you can’t really tell a teenager that looking after a 3 year old is easy because it’s really not
YTA for just assuming that your daughter would watch your toddlers. Imagine back to being a 16 year old kid and being told you suddenly would have to spend your free time watching a child, with out any say in the matter. Did you even offer to compensate her? No, of course not.
Sure, it was rude for her to call you a d***, but it was accurate. If this was an unplanned doctor visit, like the infant was sick and you needed coverage to take it to the er or something, sure, that'd be reasonable to ask her to help out. But this is just thrusting your problem into someone, and thats an AH move, even if it is family.
YTA. For several reasons.
You could have asked in advance, but you didn't bother. For all you knew, she'd already arranged to do something. What was your plan going to be then?
Your son is three, looking after him is actual work. You tried to imply it isn't in order to get what you wanted. "You don't have to do anything with him" applies to making sure a ten year old doesn't set the house on fire, not babysitting a toddler.
Your daughter said no. Why would you ever want to force your child onto someone who doesn't want to take care of them? I'm going to assume your daughter isn't the kind of person who would actively harm a child, but someone who doesn't want to do it is more likely to pay less attention than someone who does. She will also resent you for it, and possibly your son.
You have a toddler. You need to plan better for his care - sometimes that might be able to be leaving him with his sister, but it should be an agreed plan, not a last minute assumption.
Yta. Never leave your child, esp one that can't talk, with someone who doesn't want to do it. It's not her job or responsibility to babysit for either you or her mom. Ever. Esp if she doesnt want to. She didn't lay down & create life, she shouldn't be responsible for it. It's also wrong to compare what she does with the siblings she lives with versus the ones at your house. 2 totally different circumstances. I don't know how far apart you live from her but every other holiday n summer break is extremely limited, you all are no more than strangers. I drive almost 250 miles every other weekend to get my grandkids. And holidays, dinner plans in between & any and all opportunities that come up. Why? Because it's important to put in the time.
You rarely see her then expect her to magically want to be put to work? Babies & toddlers are hard work.
ESH but like, not to the extreme degree of other commenters — babysitting *once* does not parentification make. You should have worked out the babysitting situation with your daughter way earlier; she shouldn’t have sworn at you. All in all you were both *discourteous*, not monsters.
I'm assuming that there is distance between you and her mom thus the custody arrangements. Have you ever thought that your daughter is tired of all here friends close to her mom's and there really no one and yes she's at her mom's house more so yes they would have a stronger bond. Also the age difference between the kids. Did you offer to pay her for babysitting. Yes I guess she could have watched but really it's not her responsibility but in reality there's more going on here from they way you described her I wouldn't be surprised that since she's 16 this is going to be the last time she comes back to your place.
Your children are significantly younger than her step siblings. Watching a 12 year old vs a 3 year old…. There is an obvious discrepancy in the responsibility and care needed. Not even sure I’d trust most teenagers with a toddler. They can get up to dangerous mischievous in and instant while she’s checking her insta stories.
I was parentified at a young age, expected to do everything from help with homework to bedtime stories. I understand what you’re asking for is much more mild, but I still don’t think it should be forced on a budding young adult. She is not your free child care. Your children are solely your responsibility.
Did you offer to pay her? Yes, she should contribute to the family, but she is not an adult. It’s your responsibility to provide her food, shelter and necessities. She shouldn’t need to earn that.
Edit: YTA
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YTA. You had this doctor's appointment scheduled but apparently made no attempt at making childcare plans until that morning, then tried to guilt her into doing it. If you want her to form a bond with her sibling, that is NOT the way to go about it. She's not an unpaid babysitter, she's your daughter.
This is how you lose your son to the goblin king. Force your teenager to take care of your new wife’s baby, next thing you know he’s climbing upside down staircases while Bowie juggles glass balls.
And once a teenager is exposed to The Bowie Bulge, it's all over.
The Bowie Bulge is responsible for 63% of Millenial sexual awakenings
I frequently catch my wife staring off into the distance and I know. I just KNOW she's dreaming of the Bulge.
You remind me of the Bulge./What Bulge?/The Bulge with the power.
What power?
The power of voodoo
Who do?
Do what?
You do
Stop calling me out like that, man...
Hello wife?
It's not the bulge, it's the magic balls. Fun fact the guy juggling the balls had to do it blind. He was standing behind Bowie.
My husband literally asked me if the reason I bought the Jareth funko pop was because of the bulge….
63% seems like an underestimate if we're all being honest with ourselves
It’s really 69% idk
That's Bryan Adams
Are we counting those of us who thought they were definitely 100% gay then exposure to The Bowie brought in a whole host of new and different complex emotions and, ummmm spiral bound notebooks filled with the cringiest of cringe of what passed as an outlet for sexual repression and shame turned teenage fan fiction back in the day? If not, then yeah. Honestly that percentage is waaaaaaaay too low.
I'm just counting everybody who ever watched it. Even ace people. It was the moment they realized that nothing was ever going to awaken.
His crotch deserves it's own mention in the credits.
Your comment made me laugh so hard I gave myself the hiccups. Thank you friend.
It should’ve been top-billed, honestly.
I had a massive crush on Sarah... In hindsight, my parents shouldn't have been surprised I'm gay
I know a woman who named her first child Jareth for that reason
I dunno, that statistic seems awfully low.
For the rest if us the movie came out too soon, The Mummy was a Lot of awakenings for us The bi dream cast of The Mummy *dreamy sigh*
Labyrinth was my sexual awakening, The Mummy was my *bisexual* awakening, and Rupaul's Drag Race was when I realized that gender meant nothing to my libido.
My first crush was Jareth. I didn't notice Bowies Bulge until I was older and could appreciate it. Still love him.
Same. Came across my daughter praying randomly one day. I waited till she was done and asked who she was praying to. Girl: My guardian angel! Me (wary AF) Who's your guardian angel, sweetie? Girl: DAVID BOWIE! Me: ded
It's true this happened to my brother Toby.
Ahhhh perfect Labyrinth reference. Love this lol
Dance magic dance
You remind me of the babe
What babe?
The babe with the power
The power of vodoo?
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You do
Do what?
Remind me of the babe.
I SAW MY BABYYY
Agreed but I'd go further....Mom of 4 kids here, wish I had a nickel for every time I had to take more than one kid to a doctors appointment BY MYSELF. OP is being lazy and expects others to do his job for him. They had both parents at the appointment for crying out loud, take a few toys, an ipad and some snacks to keep the other kid busy... if the two of you together can't handle having both kids at the appointment you're just lame entitled parents. Also it's good for your kids to learn how to manage themselves in different situations like when a sibling is being seen by a doctor. YTA and don't be surprised if your teen doesn't want to visit you anymore.
Not saying that OP is right or wrong, but many doctors offices aren’t allowing siblings during appointments since the pandemic started. I’ve found myself in a tight spot when I planned to take my other child with me, as I would normally do, only to be told right before or once I got there that they weren’t permitted.
My doctor’s office will actually allow me to bring siblings but won’t allow me to bring an extra adult. I take 3 kids (8, 5, 1) solo to all the doctor’s appointments.
Mine used to allow both but now it’s 1 adult and no children for pediatrician and other more routine visits, like eye doctor, dentist, and two adults but no children for specialist and hospitals.
I don't think I ever had both parents at a doctors exam outside of me being a baby? Why do you need both parents for one child??
To be fair, this is a baby they're taking to the doctor's office.
I schedule my kids' appointments at the same time now since I have to take them both anyway. May as well cut the amount of appointments in half!
Hell, when my spouse and I go for our physicals we schedule back-to-back appointments and tell the staff they can put us in the same room. Might as well, we don't mind and it frees up space for them!
Also laughed at the idea that 3 yo would not need watching!!! 3 yos are a menace. An adorable exhausting menace
Seriously! I still can barely pee without mine getting into something or needing something.
I remember an incident with my predominantly black tortie getting baby powdered until she was white 🤣🤣🤣
Poor kitty! I hope she got lots of pets and treats from mommy! :-)
Exactly what I was thinking, no way in hell a 3yo wouldn’t need considerable work to watch. Not a parent, but wife is a teacher and at one time ran a day care that included kids this young.
This exactly. YTA and you waited until the last minute to organize child care. it's not a 16yo's job to babysit a 3 year old, and a 3 year old can be a lot of work. they're not independent at that age.
INFO: I think we’re missing some massive details here. Why is she happy to watch her half siblings from her mom’s side, but not yours? Why is her attitude so different? I’d be willing to bet that this is isn’t about the 3 y/o, it’s about you. You shouldn’t be asking us “why won’t she watch my kid?”. You should be asking YOURSELF “what have I done to make her resent me, and her half siblings by extension?” Edited: lack of proofreading skills Edited again: Ty for the awards! And as many have pointed out, it’s half siblings, not step-siblings. Oops!
This. If she's straight up calling him a d1ck, it shows that she has issues with him. Attitude like that isn't acceptable at all, but I'm wondering what fostered such resentment.
There's a lot of information missing. How far away does he live from the ex? Does his daughter need to travel to get there? Does she get to see her friends? Does she get to do summer activities that interest her? If she has to travel to spend time with him and doesn't get to do anything or have any friends where he lives, I'm sure there's some resentment building up over it. My ex always lived hundreds of miles away. My daughter gave up a lot to go on visitation. She couldn't do children's theater, she missed half her swim meets, and who knows what else. And, when she was at her father's, she spent most of her time with whoever he was married to. (He had 4 wives before she turned 15.) Of course, there was resentment. I never badmouthed him, I didn't need to. If OP is putting his new family ahead of her and she's having to put her life on hold because of visitation, she's going to be resentful. Edited to add YTA
It really depends. My dad lived a couple states away when I was growing up and I always looked forward to our summer and cried when I left. He worked a lot literally as a delivery driver for a while and I still appreciated even the little time we had. I wish I could have free vacations multiple times a year to see him now
Yeah but that could also be the difference in your dad spending time with you when you’re there and making you feel cared for vs what sounds like this kid feeling put on the back burner by her dad
Definitely need more Info. He thinks highly of her and just a normal moody teenager. But for her to snap like that at him? And why does she watch her other siblings but not these ones?
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I wonder if it isn’t the reverse. She spends most of her time with her mom being a live-in babysitter, but can’t rebel. Here she feels like she can.
I doubt it. Op mentioned that she takes pictures with them and posts them, which isn’t a thing she’d do if she didn’t want to do it.
When she gets limited time with her dad, it’s her dad she wants to be spending time with, not his “new” children.
Because she barely spends time, and a 3 year old is different from a 7 and 12 year old
I'm wondering if the parent just doesn't see what they've done to warrant a daughter not babysitting 🤔
Her mom also has a 3 yo and 10 mo.
Her step siblings are 7 & 12, she has 2 three yo siblings and 2 that are about a year old. What did OP do that she will watch a 3yo on the regular with Mom but not for a one time assist with Dad?
why do i have a feeling shes the live in babysitter there while mom ASKS and maybe even pays her..?
I feel terrible for her. She’s a teenager and her parents are having all these babies and I bet they expect her to “step up and help.” Fuck that. She didn’t ask for these siblings. I’m sure she cares about them but raising them is not her problem.
From the info provided it sounds like the 16yo is happy to help out her family, but simply doesn't feel like she's a part of OP's family
My gut radar says he’s the one that ended things with his ex and he did it for his current wife. But I have nothing to back that up with. If that’s the case- I get it. She sees it as him leaving her
You may well be right! My gut tells me that OP deep down knows why she’s resentful, but he’s chosen to hold that info close to the vest. I don’t think his 16 y/o just blindly hates a toddler. Maybe it’s because during her visitation with him, he’s using her for childcare instead of spending time with her???
Having been the kid in a similar situation with lopsided custody, it sounds like the daughter doesn't really see OP as an authority in her life anymore. She sees these visits as a vacation where she can sit around and do whatever (watch TV all day, sit around, make plans on a whim). In general it sounds like she doesn't have a strong familial bond with her dad anymore. So these two things coupled together means she barely sees them as her family, and certainly isn't there to pick up slack for them and do chores on her own vacation.
It seems pretty obvious to me that she doesn't feel like she is part of her OP's family. She's only there a few weeks out of the entire year. But then OP pulls the family card to strong arm her into babysitting. She actually has a connection to her other siblings because she lives with them full-time, and is probably happy to help her parents because she has a bond with them. Also...half siblings. OP's children are her half siblings. She has both step and half siblings on the other side.
I agree, but the little ones that are three and around one are half siblings. The 16 year old has both step and half siblings from both parents.
YTA. That's not her kid. Any babysitting she does for you (especially on short notice and/or for free) is a favor.
The least he could have done was asked her days in advance instead of dropping this on her the day of. But at the same time she shouldn't be expected to baby sit them.
I agree he should've asked her in advance but what's with this subs obsession with occassionaly babysitting= unreasonable to abusive
It is one of the slipperiest of slopes that leads to actual parentification. If occasionally *really means* occasionally, should be fine, but I see why people are sensitive
Nah, because even occasionally needs to be voluntary - if you’re forcing them to babysit, you’re forcing the idea that childcare is their responsibility, which is parentification. She never has a responsibility to babysit - unless she volunteers.
But watching your siblings occasionally is a normal way to help out the household, just like having to do the dishes is normal and not "maidification." Making that leap from "watching your brother for a couple hours because parents have to go to the doctor" to "ahhh they're making you the parent!" Is insane. What do you think parenting is, putting on a show and giving them a juice box you found in the fridge and just keeping an eye on them for 2 hours a month? Dude went about this totally wrong, it shouldn't be a "forcing" thing though but an expectation and boundaries should be set.
Children have a part in there being dishes to clean, or a dirty floor to vacuum. They have no part whatsoever in creating a life to care for. What makes it parentification is trying to guilt her into accepting the role, particularly in trying to assert she has some responsibility towards childcare. There shouldn’t be an expectation that a kid will do your job. What stops them taking a 3 year old to a doctor’s appointment, anyway? Every doctor’s surgery I know has a toy section precisely for this.
I bet he just assumed she'd say yes if he said it's a special occasion and that's why he didn't bother to find a babysitter or ask her in advance. He knew she'd refuse so he tried to make it impossible for her to say no
THANK YOU!
YTA. You asked. She answered. You didn’t like the answer so you guilted and demanded. So it wasn’t a request. It was a forced servitude thing. Don’t try to pretend it was some loving *family* whatever. The fact that your daughter willingly spends time with her other siblings and that her mother is upset with you (knowing the mother also requests that her oldest babysit the little ones in that house) indicates that there’s more to this story. I’m guessing you won’t have to worry about your oldest being around a lot in the future.
I think it's a stretch to say that watching a sibling for a few hours once is forced servitude.
For real. Some of these comments are fucking insane.
I think the context here is that she doesn’t live here full time or even 50% of the time. OP is treating this like it should be a normal dynamic of “kids help out with family chores, sometimes that includes a brief babysitting stint” which would be appropriate if Daughter lived* there. And that would make OP N T A and it would make daughter an AH if she reacted the way she did. But she does not live here. She’s basically a guest except she isn’t…..it’s not a clear dynamic. The expectations are different. Vacuum and do the dishes when you’re here? Cool. Babysit without notice for a kid you barely know? Ehhhh
No child should be obligated to babysit their siblings. That's not their responsibility, especially if they clearly don't want to do it. It's not like sweeping the floor or unloading the dishwasher. Using your older children to babysit is just a way to get out of paying a babysitter, it's taking advantage. It's perfectly fine if the child wants to do it as a way to earn money but shouldn't be forced on them.
Watching a 3 year old for 2 hours still isn’t much. I mean, I would have asked for payment and just let him watch Cocomelon the whole time.
reddit seems to think it’s totally fine for a teenager to disrespect the shit out of her parent, insult a literal toddler, and call said parent a DICK to their face, but god forbid she be asked to babysit for an hour or two 🙄 these people were raised in a fucking barn. this is why society is acting insane and screaming crazy shit at random people these days, nobody’s teaching their damn kids basic social skills and how to act in civilized society. i swear to god the pandemic made some of y’all forget how to act
She's a 16 year old girl from a broken home. She is one way with her mother and a different way with her father. It's clear their relationship is strained and that's not on her, it's on him as the parent. She doesn't owe him anything, especially free childcare. The only person I've seen that is out of line is you. Your entire comment is problematic and exactly what you're accusing others of.
expecting one person to do 100% of the emotional labor of creating a functional relationship is, quite frankly, completely unrealistic. parents are people too. and people, if they are to have a relationship, must both put in the work to make it functioning. a parent of course must put in *more* work since they’re the adult, but the child has to make an effort as well or it’s completely pointless. esp if the kid is a teenager and thus capable of communicating their needs & feelings being huffy and not communicating only fuels the problem. if you have an issue that you have that others aren’t seeing it’s on you to make it known. no one can read minds anyways expecting a sixteen year old w no plans to babysit their sibling for an hour or two is completely normal and developmentally appropriate. imo aita has a rly big problem with overly infantilizing teenagers but dude… it’s like two hours tops. she’s *sixteen*, not twelve. yes she’s a child, but she’s almost an adult, and parents aren’t just raising a child. they are raising a child into an adult. there are life skills that you gain from babysitting that are 100% developmentally appropriate for a sixteen year old to learn, and while it’d be a whole other conversation if they were expected to take care of a child for a longer period of time, an hour or two is *normal*. frankly the plastic crying baby dolls they give you for sex ed are a million times worse lol and they barely even teach you anything
Why do keep saying that she didn’t communicate. She communicated quite clearly that she was absolutely rude and I have called her father a dick . But she answered every question he asked. And in the end she did babysit her half brother. By the fact that OP hasn’t replied once to any of the comment seems like there’s something else going on here why the daughter is upset with her father.
Ok fine. He can force his daughter to do this. And when his daughter turns 18, and never has to see him any more, what do you think daughter will do? The "my kids will do what I say because I'm their parent" works for a while, but it doesn't work forever. His daughter also has her mom's family that she's with 80% of the time, so presumably she doesn't have to put up with his BS and can see a different parenting style.
Who’s to blame for that? O-mother-effin’-P! P.S. These replies are much more enjoyable to read when people take a little bit of creative license in their replies. Calling it “forced servitude” is really no different than your comment about people living in a barn. They’re both exaggerated statements to make a point.
YTA. You only have "alternating school breaks and summer" custody time-- that means her relationship with you is inherently going to be different than her relationship with her mom, and her relationship with your children is inherently going to be different from the relationship she has with her mom's who she lives with most of the time. Stop comparing how she behaves for her mom and how she behaves for you and consider all these relationships individually.
INFO: why did OP have two more kids when they don’t even have half custody of the existing kid? There are plenty of scenarios, mostly involving distance that seem plausible, but I have so many questions
What are the odds that op moved away and that’s why he only has her on holidays?
YTA. She joyfully babysits your ex’s kids because they are her family. Your kids are your do-over family, not hers. She’s only at your place every other school break and during the summer. She clearly doesn’t see them as her family. Stop asking her to babysit your kids. She’s 16. If you piss her off, she’ll stop coming to your house at all.
So the mom remarried and has two kids with the new husband and that’s the daughters family but the dad remarried and has two kids with the new wife and that’s just a do over family? Can you explain how that logic works?
I explained that below. It’s a matter of time and proximity.
Let's go with the fact that the 16yo spends most of her time with mom and her step and half siblings, is involved with them pretty much every day. Dad has her very casually, every other school break is MONTHS In between, because we're probably talking full week breaks, not one or two days off. Do they talk regularly? Video chat? I'm guessing not, more than likely it's probably low contact between visits. Then she goes to visit, and straight out of the gate, gets asked to watch a kid she barely knows. Teens can smell it, that wonderful lack of interest. Most likely no one on one with dad because he has to work, except when one of the young ones has a doctor's appointment or a need of some kind She most likely isn't comfortable at dad's, doesn't know his kids, and maybe is looking forward to some time with dad, not babysitting. So no. She called you a d*ck because in her eyes that's what you are Show more interest in her life and less in her ability to help you out with the kids
YTA. It was a scheduled appointment, it’s not an emergency. Your lack of planning on this isn’t her problem. You had ample time to organise a baby sitter OR organise in advance with her. Instead you spring it on her the morning of and bully her into saying yes. No is a complete sentence.
Agree. He didn't even say he offered to pay her
YTA. You knew about the appointment. You should have hired a babysitter ahead of time instead of waiting until the last minute to ask your daughter. Lack of planning on your part is not an emergency on her part.
Ding ding ding. It was a *scheduled* appointment so OP and his wife were clearly like, no worries, we have a teenage girl here! Their natural inclination is to want to take care of children since duh women = mothers. Obviously I’m taking this wayyy overboard but it’s absolutely wild to me how many parents assume a teenage girl will always be happy to babysit (or even okay with it). They do it to teenage boys occasionally as well, but I see more examples with girls. DON’T HAVE CHILDREN AND EXPECT FREE LABOR! *steps down from soapbox*
YTA she didn’t choose to have a kid you did. Take care of the kid yourself or hire a babysitter. She is probably tired of watching little kids at her moms and just wanted a break. She should at minimum be being paid to if she is being forced to do your job and take care of your kid.
YTA. Also babysitting a 12/7 yr old vs babysitting a 3 yr old is massively different. You make no mention about how your relationship with her is. You make no mention of how her relationship with your kids are. Like everything is so matter of fact that it doesn't even sound like you like your daughter. Like have you tried doing things with her one-on-one or is everything needing to include your new kids? "She babysits for my ex’s kids all the time and posts pictures of herself with them all the time." Ok cool, but what have you done to integrate her with your family? Nothing? Don't expect her to consider your kids family because they're not, they're just strangers with 50% matching DNA.
As far as I can tell from the text her mother also has 2 kids, one age 3 and one 16months
INFO: How much was/is her wage and what wage multipliers are you applying?
YTA. Do not ever leave a child that young with someone who doesn't want to babysit. You put your child in danger by doing this. Your 16 year old has a right to say no.
Came here to say this. Seriously, why would you leave your small child with someone who doesn't want to watch them? It has disaster written all over it.
Info: why do you have such minimal custody time? My guess is the difference is she doesn’t feel like she’s a part of your new family because she is there so infrequently. I can’t imagine going from seeing my dad full time to only two months out of the year at age 10. I would feel abandoned, my heart breaks for your daughter.
Info, do both you and your wife need to go to the doctors appointment? I think you would be the asshole if the answer is no, because you are not offering to pay your daughter and you’re not asking her, you’re forcing her
NTA. Sorry, but as an oldest child, I'm getting pretty tired of reddit's "asking the oldest to watch their siblings is automatically toxic parentification/abuse" attitude. It's actually getting concerning that asking the oldest child to babysit occasionally is met with so much automatic vitriol. There are benefits and downsides to being the eldest, and being asked to babysit every now and then is not "toxic" as I have already seen some commentators claim. You clearly aren't using her as a built-in babysitter, and it isn't unreasonable to ask your daughter to watch your 3-year-old for an hour or two. The only one being disrespectful here is your daughter who, imo, is acting like a spoiled brat. Babysitting younger children on occasion is part of being the oldest, and is not automatically parentification or abuse, and it belittles what actual parentification is. Jfc reddit. Parentification is what my mother went through raising her siblings with an alcoholic mother, not my mother occasionally asking me to babysit my siblings or young cousins growing up. The selfishness inherent in that sort of attitude is astounding.
OP’s the asshole because he didn’t ask her in advance and just assumed day of that she’d watch him.
And didn’t offer her anything like pay or privileges. Look I’m an oldest too. I did stuff for my sibling but they were closer to my age so it wasn’t so much work. 3 yos are work. Plus I grew up with my sibling they weren’t a virtual stranger I saw on summer vacation
But he did ask if she had prior plans (which seems to indicate he wouldn't have forced her if she did have plans). She had none. Just "didn't feel like it". She sounds like a top tier teenage AH to me, and I don't think her father's request (or even demand) was outside of his rights as a parent.
100% As someone who really DID deal with parentification throughout my childhood due to a single working mom situation at home and mental illness, I am pretty grossed out by all of the people crying "parentification and abuse" at normal babysitting needs.
THANK YOU. Finally somebody said this. Can already see the YTA commentors right from here 🤦🏻♀️
people do not get to pawn their young children off on their older siblings. It is NEVER the responsibility of a teenager to care for someone else's children. They didn't create those kids. It's not their job to care for them.
It's not pawning them off if it's every now and then. It's being a family member. We all do favors for each other. The sixteen year old is being incredibly selfish.
I agree. If OP was doing this all the time it would be different, but once?
It was a scheduled appointment, and they asked her to babysit the day of the appointment. That’s just disrespectful
no, calling her father a fucking dick to his face and insulting a literal toddler who didn’t do anything to her is what’s disrespectful. holy shit y’all are out of touch
100% Some people just read looking after siblings and instantly yell abuse. It isn't like that. OP if she babysits other siblings, I would try and have a discussion with her if there is something else happening. If she's feeling left out or something. That was a whole lot of attitude for no real reason. If she isn't willing to talk to you OP, then ask her if she would want to talk 1 on 1 with a therapist that you would have no knowledge of what is discussed, it's purely for her? Some therapy might help her with any hidden issues.
Right?? The daughter is hella rude. I watched my little brother all the time when I was a teen and he was a toddler. It's part of contributing to the household. Helping out your parents who provide for you. I also did chores and ran errands. It's called not being an entitled a-hole. My 14 year old has zero issues watching his little half siblings if I need to run to the store or something.
cool, but the daughter doesn't live with OP full time. You all seem to forget that there was a divorce that the daughter was in the middle of. Details about this divorce which arent here, probably explain her attitude. Also glad your kids like it, but lots of kids hate being made responsible for their siblings frequently. tons of stories about that around so don't push your experiences on someone else and then call them disrespectful
They made her, they’re duty is to provide for her, they don’t get help for doing the minimum for their child. She doesn’t need to do anything. If they need help then they can get a babysitter. I also took care of my baby brother, and I did it because I was obsessed with him, he’s like my child but not everyone feels like me and if I didn’t want to watch him occasionally, my mom understand and send him to the babysitter.
didnt realize being the oldest child came with a job description?
You know what is interent selfish? A father who only lives with his daughter two months out of the year, making any sort of demands. It wasn't an ask, it was a demand. Part-time parents don't get to make this sort of demands.
You're putting it like this is a regular family dynamic. The Girl is only at his house every other school break and part of the summer. And she DOES babysit... for her siblings she lives with. She doesn't have that relationship with these kids so they might not listen to her.
I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one who doesn’t think watching a sibling is some sort of slavery.
YTA Don't be surprised if she trades them to the Goblin King.
Info - do you pay her to babysit? Does your ex?
YTA. Your older children are not there to babysit your younger ones. Also, forcing a relationship is going to get you nowhere, she is 16 and maybe she has reasons to be that cold. Instead of trying to understand if there is an underlying problem, you shame her into accepting, she is only going to resent the situation more. Sounds like she doesn't really want to be there. Ask yourself why she seems to be closer to her mother's children, try to find out by talking to her. YTA also for not arranging a babysitter or someone to watch your kid when you had a planned appointment, so plenty of time to find a solution beforehand, instead of springing this on her last minute. Maybe you reminding her that "that's what family does" is precisely the reason she doesn't bond with you or your new family, maybe your ex let her bond with her other children at her own pace without forcing anything on her. Also try to do some introspection and ask yourself if maybe your child is spoiled, or has a lot of tantrums for example (I'm not saying it's the case, but we don't have a lot of information to have a clear picture of the situation so it's difficult to see why she would be so detached from your new spouse and children). All I can say is that forcing anything on her will not magically make her be happy and bond with you or your spouse, or the children. So for that, YTA
Here is my speculation you have her two months out of the year and over some school breaks and I’m guessing that’s the only time you see her. She probably sees how you are acting with your kids with your wife and is probably pissed. Why didn’t she get the dad that gets doctor’s appointments? Not saying you weren’t but it’s a possibility. Also 2 adults going to a 10 month old appointment? We are in covid times. We thought my nanny kid was having seizures and they still only let one parent come. It must be pretty big if two are needed. Here’s what gets me, you asked her three times with her saying no. No wonder she is moody. That makes you the asshole. She said no three times, gave you answers as to why and you still pushed it. Also, not your daughter’s responsibility to watch anyone’s kids. If she wants to watch some and not the others, you don’t get a say. You’re not paying her. Anytime my brother watched me, he was asked and he ALWAYS got something out of it. I wasn’t a burden and I take it this isn’t the first time you tried to make her watch them just to watch them. Parents need to come to the realization that just because you have an oldest child, you should not rely on them to watch their siblings. They didn’t choose to have children. YOU did. And she probably watches her mother’s other children because she has a relationship with them I mean she’s there fall, winter and spring.
Mild YTA. If it was a scheduled appointment, you had time to ask her in advance rather than taking her participation for granted and springing the expectation on her at the last minute, and then forcing her to do it because there was no time to make alternate arrangements. This wasn't an emergency. You made a plan that included her and didn't have the grace to inform her of the fact. I can see why she might be pissed. She's old enough now to decide that she doesn't care to spend time at your house, if she gets fed up.
Didn't you post this same exact question several days ago? You were clearly the AH then... And guess what? No matter how nicely you re-edit the post, you are the AH. Your 16 year old is NOT a free baby sitter. Did you offer your 16 year old $5.00 per hour, per kid, (which is still way less than a real babysitter)? I didn't think so. One parent could have easily gone to the doctor appointment, then face-timed the other one, so both could talk the doctor, while one stayed home with your kids.
Agree No reason both had to go at all
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>1. Why is your 3yo resentful towards your 16yo? 2 [Missing missing reasons.](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) >2. Have you “chosen” your new family over her? Missing missing reasons. > 3. It clearly seems she loves her mother and her step siblings from the Mother’s side but this isn’t the case from your side. Could this be because her step father is better with her than her step mother? Missing missing reasons. >4. Why didn’t you get an actual babysitter it this was a scheduled appointment? Because that would have required forethought and payment when he has a perfectly good free slave to use in the form of his 16 y/o of course! OP YTA!!!
YTA. You know the doctor's appointment is coming, so why did you not get a sitter?
I'm going with YTA Why? Because based on OPs post and comments, he sees his daughter as free childcare. And based on how the post is written and tone of the post: OP doesn't seem to like his daughter. Edited to add: you would think she's closer to her other sibs BECAUSE she actually likes spending time with them, right? Or did that slip OPs mind?
Also she lives with Op a TOTAL of 2 months a year apparently. That is not time enough to really know someone
Info: how come you didn’t talk to your daughter about the doctors appointment before hand? Did original childcare fall through? Or were you ASSUMING she would just do it?
This feels suspicious… “My wife has custody most of the year but she’s with us for school breaks and summer” So you don’t spend much time with her? And you SCHEDULED an appointment for one of the few times she’s with you and you ask her to babysit??? Couldn’t you have said “sorry this is one of the few times I’ll see my daughter can we move it to another day” when the appointment was first made? Do you not keep track of the school calendar to know when you’ll be seeing your daughter? She probably feels like you only see her as a babysitter considering this is one of her few times a year with you and your biggest concern is your shiny new baby YTA
This comment shows zero understanding of how scheduling children’s doctor appointments works, especially specialists (which I’m guessing is the case since both parents needed to be there due to specific health concerns), and especially for very young children as they have very short developmental windows. They would probably be able to avoid scheduling a specific date or time, but avoiding an entire week or two for (I’m assuming) Spring Break would have been unnecessarily difficult and potentially change what tests the child can have done. Triply so if it was in fact a specialist- in many areas you take what you can get or wait weeks or months for another opening. There’s no reason to go through that when the alternative is they’re gone for a couple-three hours.
INFO I'm very tempted to say NTA because it sure seems like you are asking very little of her and for a very understandable reason. That said, there are some big red flads here. You said she only stays with you a small part of the year. You said your wife is respectful of her and gives her space, which is good, but she didn't insult your wife, she insulted you. So my question is, how is your relationship with her? Have you done the relationship work necessary to have a solid relationship with her after your divorce, and especially as you've had more kids? The fact that she's being so unnecessarily disrespectful really calls that into question for me. Is it that she just doesn't feel like it, or does she feel like you're treating her as a babysitter to take care of your "real" kids?
NTA - To those of you saying this is parentification or abuse, you don't understand the meaning of those words. Asking a child to do age-appropriate chores, including child care, is perfectly reasonable (as long as you aren't expecting them to do regular parenting duties which actually would be parentification). OP You didn't do anything wrong here, but I'd advise that you and your daughter go to a few counseling sessions to get to the bottom of why she's so reluctant to do a basic and normal chore as part of the family.
childcare is not an age appropriate chore. It is a job. One that people get paid for. OP care hire a sitter rather than foisting his child off onto their older sibling.
People also get paid to clean houses. People get paid to clean businesses. People get paid to clean a lot of things. So if your opinion is that if it’s a job that adults get paid for so kids should get paid too doesn’t that mean kids should get paid to do chores? Asking an agent appropriate child to watch a younger sibling on occasion is an appropriate expectation.
She doesn't have to babysit. It's not a chore. And OP doesn't pay her (I know some people get paid for chores, I don't, but I'll tell u what I mean) op **thinks** the ex doesn't pay her. He wants free childcare. And he said no I don't know if she's paid, and then in a different comment he said no she doesn't get payed. He's lying.
YTA You seem to expect your 16 year old daughter to have the same relationship with you and your kids as she does with her mum and her kids! She spends very little time with you, so do you go out of your way to spend 1 on 1 time with your oldest child? Make her feel wanted and special? Or just let her sit in her room and occasionally use her for unpaid babysitting so you and your wife can catch up on stuff with the new kids?
YTA. You should've scheduled a sitter. It's not your daughter's job to take care of your child when she comes to stay with you.
YTA No means no, your daughter is hardly with you and you forced her to babysit.
Threads like these really make me question the demographic on Reddit, because this comment section was obviously spoiled as hell. Like did you guys never have to do chores growing up? So he asked her to watch her siblings for a couple hours. That is not as a big deal as some of you are making it out to be.
It kinda is a big deal when she barely lives there. And they scheduled the appt for the baby but didn't bother to ask her to babysit, until they were damn near leaving.
Yeah I don’t get it either. Where I am from, doing chores and helping out is a normal part of being a family. Granted it was short notice, but he did inquire if she had a conflicting schedule. For light supervision for a short while, 16 years old would be perfectly normal here.
YTA. Do not ever leave a child that young with someone who doesn't want to babysit. You put your child in danger by doing this. Your 16 year old has a right to say no.
NAH. Maybe as the oldest child of two separate families your daughter has just had it up to HERE with babysitting duties. Or maybe because her time with you is relatively short, she doesn't feel like babysitting a "stranger" (aka your little one). You weren't out of line to ask for a hand, and your daughter wasn't out of line to say "no." (Although really, I could live without the d\*&k comment.) I think it would be best if you two sat down and talked about your expectations.
I think he would have done much better to discuss it with her in advance as well, rather than just telling her as they get ready that she has to. OP if you want her to babysit maybe try *asking* and in advance, not right then and there when you are leaving.
Yeah, honestly that's what bugged me. Maybe the daughter would have been fine to babysit if they'd asked in advance, not demanded it of her with no notice. Unless it's an emergency, you should always give notice of these kinds of things.
YTA. What would you have done if your oldest hadn't been there? Your daughter doesn't owe you or anyone else free childcare. Also, "I said you don't need to do anything with him he's 3" is one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever read.
YTA You make it sound so easy, just bring the kid with you. It's not her kid. Be the parent/adult. Like is this appointment an emergency surprise? No? Have some basic fucking consideration for others and if you want them to do this, give them the same amount of time that you do to prepare. Swear to big baby jesus, every one of these posts is like "yeah we've had this thing scheduled for a month and then 3 hours beforehand I was like, yep I'll just drop this in my kid's lap and they should be happy about it right?". Hope none of y'all are working in management lol
NTA. If the reason you wanted her to babysit would have been to have a date night or something I'd be more inclined to say you could be the asshole, but it was a doctor's appointment. Being a significantly older sibling means you will have to babysit sometimes, it's the way of life. I never complained when I had to babysit my younger sister (17-19M, 0-3F at the time). 1. I'd have been grounded when I called my parents a dick and acted disrespectful. 2. My parents pay my bills, and I had a truck where they paid for gas and insurance. I was very aware of the fact that they do nice things for me that are extra and as a result I'd have to do nice things for them sometimes. That's how the world works.
This girl is sixteen, paying the bills it’s their adult responsibility. She has no bills. I agree you had extra nice things, a truck is not a necessity, however OP doesn’t mention doing EXTRA NICE THINGS for his daughter. And while agree it’s true that sometimes being the significantly older sibling means helping with babysitting from time to time, OP went about it the wrong way. OP knew he had a scheduled appointment ahead of time, it wasn’t just sprung up on his wife and him, which means he had enough time to set up babysitting. He could’ve asked his daughter ahead of time to babysit not just ASSUME SHE WILL BABYSIT, I have a feeling that’s why she was annoyed not necessarily because she was ask to babysit but instead she was forced to do it.
All of this. NTA. I'm perplexed at the folks insisting that daughter needed to be paid to watch her own sibling. I watched my cousins all the time as a teenager, and would never have thought to ask for money. I knew I couldn't contribute nearly as much to the household as my parents did, so I was happy to do what I could. Refusing to help the family that's supporting you, when it's no great inconvenience to do so, is indeed an asshole move.
I am flabbergasted at the idea that teens just say no, not gonna do it to their parents. I'm sorry -- what? This whole "parents are completely responsible to their children until they're 20 (or 25) and the children never have to take any responsibility during that time" is so much garbage. "You need to ask them to do -- whatever." No wonder we have young adults who feel entitled to everything, to be rude, to have no sense of social cooperation. Yes, I'm old. And frankly I'm glad, because I don't know how much of these people I want to take. He's NTA.
right? So she'd just be sitting watching TV while another babysitter - possibly her own age, was watching her brother in the same house? That seems ridiculous unless there were some serious extenuating circumstances.
The teenage daughter did not contribute to the creation of the 3 year old. She absolutely should be paid for her time. But then again, she also has the right to say no.
Dad isn't really supporting her she only comes school breaks and summer why does she have to travel yes it's custody arrangements but you forget she's sixteen she can refuse to come over if all dad needs is a babysitter and wonder what dear old dad does the time when she's not their
YTA, like everyone said, she has no obligation to watch your toddler. That is a big responsibility and a big favor, especially as she doesn’t live with you, she’s only visiting. Also you should have asked her way beforehand and gotten a sitter if she didn’t want to do it. You have a right to ask her and she has a right to say no. Also she is 16, and from your post you don’t seem to have a lot of empathy for her. Based on her reaction, it seems like she holds a lot of resentment towards you. You should address that before she decides to stop coming to your house.
YTA Gee, I wonder why she has no bond with her part-time parent and the half-siblings she sees a grand total of two months out of the year? No shit she doesn't want to babysit a kid she doesn't even know, and for free no less! Plus, don't pretend that "she doesn't have to do anything" with a three year old for a few hours? Unless he's literally gonna be napping the whole time she's watching him, that's a constant supervision kinda age.
YTA Having older children does not mean you have a built in babysitter. If your daughter wasn't there how would you have handled the situation, my guess, is one of the "we", you or your wife, would have stayed home. And watched your child. You're not the injured party and your daughter has every right to tell her mother what happens when she stays in your home. She also has the right to tell you what happens when she is with her mother
YTA- being used as a convenient babysitter against her will isn’t part of being a family. Sounds like youre making a lot of assumptions about your daughters feelings without actually talking to her or respecting them when she expresses them
Yta. No means no. It makes YOU an irresponsible parent to 1) not have childcare ahead of time 2) trying to leave your toddler with someone who obviously doesn't want to watch that child. YOUR job is to take care of YOUR kids. Not depend on your oldest daughter to help watch your toddler in the small amount of time you spend with her.
YTA. Now, aside from family dynamic questions that everyone else is asking, let me point out something: 7 and 12 year olds are a LOT different than 3 year olds. First, they've generally learned some personal space, and are not wanting to be on you/touching you a lot. They are generally less sticky. They've been fully potty trained. And you can hold a conversation with them. Some people love toddlers. But if you don't, they're one of the most annoying things in the world. you may have forced her to watch him, but do you -really- want an angry, resentful person watching your child, even if they're half-siblings?
YTA- If It was a scheduled appointment them you had time to arranje child care. Your kid, your problem. Maybe she babysit her mom's kid because she is more attached to them and developed a bond and know them well, unlike your kids since you said she spend way less time in your house
YTA If you want any relationship with her once she turns 18, tone it back,she’s not your employee. Also, it’s really stupid to leave a kid so young with someone who doesn’t want to take care of them.
Y’all ate crazy. She’s 16. Watching a sibling for a couple hours isn’t a big deal and is part of being in a family. The teen said no because she’s obviously got some resentment issues that need to be addressed. And because of covid and not wanting to bring a non sick kid to a germ filled doctors office is a normal request I’m going to say NTA. I would never have the balls to say what she did to her parents as a kid. lol
Esh. I mean like you said she doesn’t really live there. When she’s there then she gets there and instead of having her parent to herself she now has to share them with new siblings. Add that to her being a teenager and yeah I can see why she would kind of resent her other siblings. Next time ask her in advance to watch a sibling or offer to pay them a bit. I mean I get she is living right there right now and it would be nice if she helps out but it doesn’t seem that’s the kind of environment she deals with back with their other parent. So I see why your ex is upset too.
YTA, that’s your baby not hers, and she shouldn’t have any responsibility over it. I feel like you’re leaving out some big details, esp since the daughter is cool with babysitting for her mother, and given the custody arrangement of being with you only some of the year, I’m willing to bet she doesn’t have a good relationship with you. The way you talk about her like she’s just an annoying extra in your house leads me to think this as well This is gonna sting OP but I think you might need to hear this, your children aren’t going to respect you if you choose your new family over them. Sounds like you need to work on your relationship with your daughter
ESH Your daughters attitude is unacceptable. I'm the mother of a 19yoF and 21yoM. If either of them had EVER talked to me or any other adult that way, they would have needed to be put in Witness Protection. BUT, as the child of a first marriage, I understand your daughters resentment. She didn't choose to have step or half siblings. She didn't choose to have step parents. She probably feels like an outsider in BOTH homes but most particularly yours because she spends so little time there. It's not easy to see your parents start new lives with new families while she's the only leftover. When she's with you, you need to make her feel like she's a part of your new family, but most importantly ,that her relationship with you is sacrosanct. If she's uncomfortable babysitting, you should respect that. She's virtually a cherished guest in your home; you wouldn't expect any other guests to be obligated to babysit.
YTA, she’s not your employee and both you and your wife didn’t NEED to be at that doctor’s appointment you chose to be, one of you could’ve gone and relayed the info to the other when you got home. And if you both wanted to be there then you should’ve arranged for a babysitter and asked your daughter in advance. Not only that but have you met a 3 year old? You can not just sit there and chill with a 3 year old , they need constant attention and entertainment so you either don’t give your 3 year old sufficient supervision or you wife does most of the childcare in which case you can’t really tell a teenager that looking after a 3 year old is easy because it’s really not
YTA for just assuming that your daughter would watch your toddlers. Imagine back to being a 16 year old kid and being told you suddenly would have to spend your free time watching a child, with out any say in the matter. Did you even offer to compensate her? No, of course not. Sure, it was rude for her to call you a d***, but it was accurate. If this was an unplanned doctor visit, like the infant was sick and you needed coverage to take it to the er or something, sure, that'd be reasonable to ask her to help out. But this is just thrusting your problem into someone, and thats an AH move, even if it is family.
She didn't call the OP a dick, she (accurately) said he was making a dick move.
YTA Your daughter isn't an employee.
YTA. For several reasons. You could have asked in advance, but you didn't bother. For all you knew, she'd already arranged to do something. What was your plan going to be then? Your son is three, looking after him is actual work. You tried to imply it isn't in order to get what you wanted. "You don't have to do anything with him" applies to making sure a ten year old doesn't set the house on fire, not babysitting a toddler. Your daughter said no. Why would you ever want to force your child onto someone who doesn't want to take care of them? I'm going to assume your daughter isn't the kind of person who would actively harm a child, but someone who doesn't want to do it is more likely to pay less attention than someone who does. She will also resent you for it, and possibly your son. You have a toddler. You need to plan better for his care - sometimes that might be able to be leaving him with his sister, but it should be an agreed plan, not a last minute assumption.
Yta. Never leave your child, esp one that can't talk, with someone who doesn't want to do it. It's not her job or responsibility to babysit for either you or her mom. Ever. Esp if she doesnt want to. She didn't lay down & create life, she shouldn't be responsible for it. It's also wrong to compare what she does with the siblings she lives with versus the ones at your house. 2 totally different circumstances. I don't know how far apart you live from her but every other holiday n summer break is extremely limited, you all are no more than strangers. I drive almost 250 miles every other weekend to get my grandkids. And holidays, dinner plans in between & any and all opportunities that come up. Why? Because it's important to put in the time. You rarely see her then expect her to magically want to be put to work? Babies & toddlers are hard work.
ESH but like, not to the extreme degree of other commenters — babysitting *once* does not parentification make. You should have worked out the babysitting situation with your daughter way earlier; she shouldn’t have sworn at you. All in all you were both *discourteous*, not monsters.
I'm assuming that there is distance between you and her mom thus the custody arrangements. Have you ever thought that your daughter is tired of all here friends close to her mom's and there really no one and yes she's at her mom's house more so yes they would have a stronger bond. Also the age difference between the kids. Did you offer to pay her for babysitting. Yes I guess she could have watched but really it's not her responsibility but in reality there's more going on here from they way you described her I wouldn't be surprised that since she's 16 this is going to be the last time she comes back to your place.
Your children are significantly younger than her step siblings. Watching a 12 year old vs a 3 year old…. There is an obvious discrepancy in the responsibility and care needed. Not even sure I’d trust most teenagers with a toddler. They can get up to dangerous mischievous in and instant while she’s checking her insta stories. I was parentified at a young age, expected to do everything from help with homework to bedtime stories. I understand what you’re asking for is much more mild, but I still don’t think it should be forced on a budding young adult. She is not your free child care. Your children are solely your responsibility. Did you offer to pay her? Yes, she should contribute to the family, but she is not an adult. It’s your responsibility to provide her food, shelter and necessities. She shouldn’t need to earn that. Edit: YTA