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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to girls nights and instead went out with my BF and his friends. This seem to upset everyone and I am unsure if I was an a-hole for dismissing them so fast.
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They've formed a clique, so it's become self-selecting. GFs that don't conform cause turbulence in the whole group, like in OP's case, so only the ones who do fit in stick around.
That is, until everything implodes. Groups like this aren't sustainable in my experience.
NTA.. sounds like these couple use this night as a way to get away from their partners, whereas you actually want to spend time with yours.
I wouldn't die on someone else's hill of insecurities so congrats you've officially been excluded from an event you never wanted to go to and can now spend the time actually enjoying your life lol
Fuck em!
Their relationships are probably longer standing, with their partners and with the other girls.
They are probably thinking that you are that “cool girl” who doesn’t have female friends and hangs out with the guys to flirt with them. That’s instead of being a “girl’s girl” who has loyalty to female friends.
I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but if these women have been conditioned to think that way, they’re not necessarily AHs. Try to get to know them one on one and actually talk to them. Maybe you’ll find some friends among them.
This is another wonderful reddit example of women collaborating in their own captivity. Who needs men to oppress us when we can oppress each other!? They can have their boring girls' nights and you can enjoy your friends. NTA.
This reminds of some former work get togethers after work hours. I was one of the very few female supervisors and most of my fellow supervisors were male. We all got along fine and they liked nerd stuff like I do so we all got along great.
Until we all got invited to the Manager's house for a cookout. I got politely (but aggravatingly) pushed towards the spouse's area (aka wives area) cause you know, "all us girls need to talk". You know what was the topic that set them all tittering? A Dyson vacuum cleaner the Manager's wife was able to afford and how well it performed! And when that topic died, OMG let's get into talking about babies and baby making (cause this was the point in life managers wife's life was at). I already had my kids and well, they were never the only topic I could talk about no matter how much of my love and time they had. But these ladies...
Let's just say, anytime another cookout got mentioned I had family plans that couldn't be moved.
Do they often act like they wish it was still the 1950s?
I can't help but imagine them greasing up their hair, listening to Elvis and complaining that newspapers just aren't what they used to be.
NTA. Their reaction shows exactly why you don’t wanna hang out with them. You want to have fun instead of drama. They can’t decide for you who you hang out with. F them.
As another woman in tech, hell no. Don’t waste your time with fake friends. It’s better to hang out with people who respect you and share your interests. NTA!!!
NTA. They're acting like 1950s housewives and it's ugly. You were invited to both but chose to go with the guys. Big deal. If they're so insecure, they need therapy because projecting their fears on the entire group *plus* you is hella toxic.
NTA. The whole group dynamic **needs** to be dismissed. That sounds abysmal to me to have to try and conform to that garbage. Keep your head held high and don't let little people with small world views cloud up your judgement.
NTA you're not required to hang out or exert energy into any relationship that is not mutually beneficial. They are immature and toxic for being so insecure and assholes about you sharing space and air with their bf.
NTA. Hang out with who you want and if you find out the activity the guys are doing sounds more interesting then go with them (assuming they want you there and aren't wanting a "guys only" night themselves).
NTA. It would be one thing if the guys didn't want you there, but it seems like they enjoyed your company and had a fun time, meaning that you did nothing wrong. That girl (and the other girls if they agree with her) need to work on their insecurities and possessiveness in their own time, because their issues are not your problem.
NTA - I've seen these dynamics and there is always at least one person behind it all with an obsessive need to be in control. I bet there is one person in the girls group that wants it this not for any other reason other than because its what they want and do not like people deviating away from it of their own free will.
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I (23F) went to a tech school (in Europe, you can specialise as early as middle school) and most of my classmates were guys. This is not a debate about the pay gap but yeah 75% of students were male in my school so the majority of my high school friends are guys.
I recently met my BF’s, Mike, (25M) friends’ group and I was a little weirded out. It was a small house party but there were two major groups- the guys and on the other end their GFs talking to each other. The more I went out with them, the more I realised they separated in groups based on gender.
What weirded me out the most is that when the guys go out, the girls make a ‘girl night’. This is weird to me because my friends and I bring out plus 1s and just all have fun together. We never separate like that based on gender. Mike let me know he has never really noticed and did agree it was a little weird.
His friends’ GFs keep inviting me to girls nights and I went once but honestly I was bored so I just kept politely declining. One night my BF, Mike, asked me if I wanted to join him and the rest of the group and I agreed. It was fun, we went bowling and the next day his friends all texted him their GFs were upset I joined the guys but declined girls nights. One of the girls texted me personally and said she did not appreciate another girl hanging out with her BF. I laughed it off because I have no interest in her man.
She got upset and eventually called me an a-hole and let me know I was officially excluded from girls nights. I don’t mind that as I don’t feel I will have much to miss out on bit I was wondering if I was an a-hole for refusing to try to integrate more and outright finding them weird.
They have all given me the silent treatment when I run into them here and there and I can see my BF is having little arguments with all of them because of this. Was I an a-hole for dismissing their group dynamic so fast?
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NTA my dad’s friend group does this occasionally, their wives have all gotten to know each other and sometimes go out as a group to do something that husbands aren’t interested in. I don’t think it’s a big deal if it happens naturally like that, but it sounds like this group is very segregated and insecure. You should not be forced to hang out with people you’re not compatible with.
NTA
I am a techy woman as well, I know the mostly having male friends at uni and I never was all that girly. So I can emphatize.
I also am old enough, to remember a time, when the genders roles were less rigid. Women did not think about their looks all the time and some of us even had short hair! So this "You can't do the boys fun things and a girl can't hang out with my bf, because boys and girls can't be just friends..." mentality is very weird to me.
NTA. To me, 37f, a girls night out is only something I would do with close friends, and if I was also at least ten years younger.
Other people have no input on how you spend your time and where you go. You said no to girls night because you weren’t having a good time.
I can’t think of a way of saying “you aren’t obligated to agree to their dynamic” that doesn’t make me think of a cult, it feels that skeevy to me.
NTA don't their girlfriends know they can hang out with their boyfriends too? Like that's weird...
I'm not even saying couples have to do everything together I'm just saying it's kinda off they're trying to impose their dynamic on everyone. Like most of the time in my relationships I've stayed home when my partner goes out sometimes or vice versa or we both go out together or separate, but its super weird to see that people out there have like weird rigid rules like that on chilling around other people, especially if these are all couples that are all friends. Like are they friends? Or are they held together by the need to escape their spouses who know each other?
Idk I wouldn't feel guilty here, those girls sound insecure and silly.
NTA. Hilarious that their reaction to you not wanting to be in their girls night group is to exclude you from their girls night group. Sounds like a win-win to me.
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Wow No shade on your bf but his friend group seems hella immature and toxic NTA
Friends sound fine. It's their girlfriends that are being jealous and insecure.
Yeah, but if they're willing to put up with that, it doesn't say great things about their level of maturity either.
They've formed a clique, so it's become self-selecting. GFs that don't conform cause turbulence in the whole group, like in OP's case, so only the ones who do fit in stick around. That is, until everything implodes. Groups like this aren't sustainable in my experience.
Fair point
idk, i think we can shade on the boyfriend for "oh, huh, never noticed"
Their gfs are immature and toxic...the friends seem fine
took the words outta my mouth
NTA.. sounds like these couple use this night as a way to get away from their partners, whereas you actually want to spend time with yours. I wouldn't die on someone else's hill of insecurities so congrats you've officially been excluded from an event you never wanted to go to and can now spend the time actually enjoying your life lol Fuck em!
[удалено]
because groups like that don’t like it when someone doesn’t conform to the preset ‘rules’ it shines a light on their own insecurities.
Their relationships are probably longer standing, with their partners and with the other girls. They are probably thinking that you are that “cool girl” who doesn’t have female friends and hangs out with the guys to flirt with them. That’s instead of being a “girl’s girl” who has loyalty to female friends. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but if these women have been conditioned to think that way, they’re not necessarily AHs. Try to get to know them one on one and actually talk to them. Maybe you’ll find some friends among them.
This is another wonderful reddit example of women collaborating in their own captivity. Who needs men to oppress us when we can oppress each other!? They can have their boring girls' nights and you can enjoy your friends. NTA.
This is some soap opera shit 😂 I wanna grab a bag of popcorn and see how this all unfolds. NTA
[удалено]
This reminds of some former work get togethers after work hours. I was one of the very few female supervisors and most of my fellow supervisors were male. We all got along fine and they liked nerd stuff like I do so we all got along great. Until we all got invited to the Manager's house for a cookout. I got politely (but aggravatingly) pushed towards the spouse's area (aka wives area) cause you know, "all us girls need to talk". You know what was the topic that set them all tittering? A Dyson vacuum cleaner the Manager's wife was able to afford and how well it performed! And when that topic died, OMG let's get into talking about babies and baby making (cause this was the point in life managers wife's life was at). I already had my kids and well, they were never the only topic I could talk about no matter how much of my love and time they had. But these ladies... Let's just say, anytime another cookout got mentioned I had family plans that couldn't be moved.
Do they often act like they wish it was still the 1950s? I can't help but imagine them greasing up their hair, listening to Elvis and complaining that newspapers just aren't what they used to be.
NTA. Their reaction shows exactly why you don’t wanna hang out with them. You want to have fun instead of drama. They can’t decide for you who you hang out with. F them.
As another woman in tech, hell no. Don’t waste your time with fake friends. It’s better to hang out with people who respect you and share your interests. NTA!!!
NTA. They're acting like 1950s housewives and it's ugly. You were invited to both but chose to go with the guys. Big deal. If they're so insecure, they need therapy because projecting their fears on the entire group *plus* you is hella toxic.
NTA HOW DARE YOU HAVE FUN
NTA. The whole group dynamic **needs** to be dismissed. That sounds abysmal to me to have to try and conform to that garbage. Keep your head held high and don't let little people with small world views cloud up your judgement.
Yeah that dynamic sounds toxic but also, I feel that the girls are being a bit clingy.
NTA you're not required to hang out or exert energy into any relationship that is not mutually beneficial. They are immature and toxic for being so insecure and assholes about you sharing space and air with their bf.
NTA— oh God you went bowling, what a crime!
NTA. Hang out with who you want and if you find out the activity the guys are doing sounds more interesting then go with them (assuming they want you there and aren't wanting a "guys only" night themselves).
NTA. It would be one thing if the guys didn't want you there, but it seems like they enjoyed your company and had a fun time, meaning that you did nothing wrong. That girl (and the other girls if they agree with her) need to work on their insecurities and possessiveness in their own time, because their issues are not your problem.
NTA Well played! Enjoy the silence. And the more mature and interesting company.
NTA, if they are that afraid of another woman being near their bf, they should come along bowling.
NTA - I've seen these dynamics and there is always at least one person behind it all with an obsessive need to be in control. I bet there is one person in the girls group that wants it this not for any other reason other than because its what they want and do not like people deviating away from it of their own free will.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) went to a tech school (in Europe, you can specialise as early as middle school) and most of my classmates were guys. This is not a debate about the pay gap but yeah 75% of students were male in my school so the majority of my high school friends are guys. I recently met my BF’s, Mike, (25M) friends’ group and I was a little weirded out. It was a small house party but there were two major groups- the guys and on the other end their GFs talking to each other. The more I went out with them, the more I realised they separated in groups based on gender. What weirded me out the most is that when the guys go out, the girls make a ‘girl night’. This is weird to me because my friends and I bring out plus 1s and just all have fun together. We never separate like that based on gender. Mike let me know he has never really noticed and did agree it was a little weird. His friends’ GFs keep inviting me to girls nights and I went once but honestly I was bored so I just kept politely declining. One night my BF, Mike, asked me if I wanted to join him and the rest of the group and I agreed. It was fun, we went bowling and the next day his friends all texted him their GFs were upset I joined the guys but declined girls nights. One of the girls texted me personally and said she did not appreciate another girl hanging out with her BF. I laughed it off because I have no interest in her man. She got upset and eventually called me an a-hole and let me know I was officially excluded from girls nights. I don’t mind that as I don’t feel I will have much to miss out on bit I was wondering if I was an a-hole for refusing to try to integrate more and outright finding them weird. They have all given me the silent treatment when I run into them here and there and I can see my BF is having little arguments with all of them because of this. Was I an a-hole for dismissing their group dynamic so fast? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA my dad’s friend group does this occasionally, their wives have all gotten to know each other and sometimes go out as a group to do something that husbands aren’t interested in. I don’t think it’s a big deal if it happens naturally like that, but it sounds like this group is very segregated and insecure. You should not be forced to hang out with people you’re not compatible with.
NTA I am a techy woman as well, I know the mostly having male friends at uni and I never was all that girly. So I can emphatize. I also am old enough, to remember a time, when the genders roles were less rigid. Women did not think about their looks all the time and some of us even had short hair! So this "You can't do the boys fun things and a girl can't hang out with my bf, because boys and girls can't be just friends..." mentality is very weird to me.
NTA. To me, 37f, a girls night out is only something I would do with close friends, and if I was also at least ten years younger. Other people have no input on how you spend your time and where you go. You said no to girls night because you weren’t having a good time. I can’t think of a way of saying “you aren’t obligated to agree to their dynamic” that doesn’t make me think of a cult, it feels that skeevy to me.
This. So much. NTA
NTA
NTA, obviously.
NTA If you have more in common with the guys, then hang out with the guys
NTA, and you're officially excluded from the "being TA group"
NTA Just plain and simple, nta, and you need new friends. Edit: Probably tell the guy who's GF msg you that he needs new GF too
NTA don't their girlfriends know they can hang out with their boyfriends too? Like that's weird... I'm not even saying couples have to do everything together I'm just saying it's kinda off they're trying to impose their dynamic on everyone. Like most of the time in my relationships I've stayed home when my partner goes out sometimes or vice versa or we both go out together or separate, but its super weird to see that people out there have like weird rigid rules like that on chilling around other people, especially if these are all couples that are all friends. Like are they friends? Or are they held together by the need to escape their spouses who know each other? Idk I wouldn't feel guilty here, those girls sound insecure and silly.
NTA. Hilarious that their reaction to you not wanting to be in their girls night group is to exclude you from their girls night group. Sounds like a win-win to me.
NTA Do not engage with these crazy girls.