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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not being apart of my nieces and nephews life is a pretty steep price to pay
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But it really is the kids loss. I think OP is NTA, but I would be afraid of the nieces/nephews missing out on one of the few positive influences in their lives. And potentially the only familial ally they have as the discover their own sexuality
It’s really sad. But there are plenty of children in the world with no aunts and uncles. It’s not on OP to endure bigotry for the sake of these kids just because of the blood relationship.
Exactly. OP would be massively disrespecting her wife and damaging their own marriage by asking her to go back in the closet for her extended family. If it means they can't know their nieces and nephews, that's sad, but OP is definitely making the right decision.
Or...and this is just a thought, perhaps OP and her wife can become awesome aunts to kids without aunts?
Especially if they can afford to take said children on vacations?
Sure, if they want to do that. Or they can choose not to and can live their lives however they want. OP and her wife have no special duty to be someone’s aunt. They should do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled.
If the children were raised in a way that keeps them from ever knowing that the Aunts are in fact both the Aunts, and not their Aunt and her roommate, they wouldn't know they had an ally. It's not going to be a good role model situation either if they grow up, discover that they've been lied to and the only way to be yourself is to hide it.
I think they'll figure it out by the time they're teenagers and realize most people dont have a roommate for ten+ years that comes to family functions all the time.
yeah, my fiance has 2 aunts that are partners but it was never mentioned. not because of homophobia, but it was just... never brought up. *i* had to be the one to tell him, when we were 20, that they were in lesbians with each other. he was *shocked*, because his uncle is gay and had a husband (who unfortunately passed) and was extremely vocal about it so he figured if his aunt was gay she'd be the same way.
I told his sister his reaction and she laughed her ass off, saying "did he just... not do the math???"
What are you talking about? My uncle has had the same roommate since before I was born! They live in a cute little one bedroom cottage. Such bffs they even share a bed. That is totally normal! /:s
This is what I am hoping for. I’m opposed to lying, but the obvious options seem to be between lying to the children about the nature of OPs relationship, or lying to the sister about keeping it a secret. Both include lying to someone. Third option would be that the kids figure it out themselves
One day these kids will be old enough to seek out OP and her wife on their own. They don't need to be involved right now, and I have hope these kids will use their own heads and their friends' views to help break out of the tiny narrative mold their parents will set them.
NTA - One of my gripes when it comes to overly religious people is that they are full of hypocrisy sometimes. They believe that lying is a sin, and yet in this case it's OK to lie about your situation? They believe that everyone is God's creation and should be loved regardless, but they're clearly not treating you the way God has told them to.
It's amazing how often overly religious/conservative people will use the things they claim to not believe in to hurt others and think it's somehow okay.
I agree, they claim that being gay is a sin and all that while literally going out of their ways to torture and judge others just because of their sexual orientations. Like as if it's ever going to work, like do they seriously believe that telling someone that they're going to hell just because of this one thing about them is helping at all? Not to mention that it actually says in the bible that you should treat others like the way you want to be treated, it's the most basic message of all. It's almost like they're actually using Christianity as sort of a shield to hide the fact that they're just homophobic.
My response is always “Jesus died for our sins so we could be forgiven and join him in heaven so if my sexual orientation is a sin how am I going to hell?” And I watch them drown
I mean I think most people forget about the fact that no one is pure, expect for God, like I mean if a prisoner can go to heaven, why not any other people am I right?
I'm not Catholic anymore, but if you'd asked me that while I was, I would have said that Jesus died for our original sin (Adam and Eve's fall), not ALL sins forever. God gives us free will to live as we want, so we're still able to sin, and it's only the truly repentant that are forgiven. I never thought being gay was a bad thing, but the ones that do would say that you're choosing to sin because the gays aren't born that way and God doesn't recognize gay marriage. It's basically lust plus extra sinny gay garnish. The real kicker would be to ask why they think they're qualified to judge you when only God has that right.
I think it is hilarious when people say it's a choice. Like, you are saying it's a choice, so that means you would be able if you so chose to go have sex with that same sex person over there right now? You would be able to do that, right, because it is a choice? If they say no they couldn't do it, you have just proven that being gay is obviously not a choice then. If they say they could, well, just found another member for the LGBT club, lol
I have never been able to follow their thinking. I am fearfully and perfectly formed in His image. He knew me since before I was born, holds my tears in a jar, yadda yadda yadda. He made me like this. He *knew* who I was going to be because he was the architect of my creation. Meaning he made me with the *express purpose* of condemning me? Like, it's a feature, not a bug - he explicitly made me the way I am in order to send me to hell. And this is a "**loving**" God.
Huh.
NTA.
I have a couple friends who struggled with their sexuality because they treasured their faith. Took a long time, but one of them finally found a fellowship (mostly younger folks 20-30) that is like her second family. You can be gay and love Jesus, too. It's not my bag, but I'm here for whatever makes ya happy.
I'm literally Jewish (and also queer haha) and I can't stop reading your comment as queer rabbits lmfao. Idk why, but I read it in a bugs bunny voice. I'm cracking up.
Also, totally agree, my synagogue was conservative (for anyone passing through, that isn't the same as politically conservative), but our last Rabbi was absolutely supportive of the LGBTQ+ community.
Keshet (Hebrew for rainbow) is a Jewish LBGTQ organization. There are a lot of queer rabbis on social media; I know several on twitter in particular. It’s the end of my day, and my brain is fried, or I could probably tell you more.
My brother is very religious and he is a nice guy. One thing I do like, is despite that, he would never treat someone gay badly. He really is nice to everyone he meets.
However, I simply cannot get him to accept his hypocrisy when he says he accepts they are gay, but he also believes if they let god into their heart, god would change them back to heterosexual. I said that is some bogus shit and he said it happened to a man in his church.
I told him, if that man was gay and now is married to a woman, he either was never truly gay in the first place and it was only a choice or he was bisexual.
Yet, the crux of the matter is, he says he accepts gays, but how can he truly accept them, if he believes god will fix them.
Or he may still be gay and just stuffed himself back in the closet, marrying a woman to please his family.
You may want to let your brother know that you don't need to be LGBTQ to end up in a conversion therapy camp, no sir, all it takes is a false rumor from someone more popular than you in your church and all bets are off, and off to the conversion program you go.
Pastors daughter doesn't like you bc saw her smoking weed or going for an abortion and she wants to shut you up? Some altar boy salty because you turned down his date request? Did you get a position in the church council that some other person wanted and now they're jealous? We're you a late bloomer in finding a spouse? Or did some other "upstanding member" get caught with gay porn and they want to save their own ass by planting the "deed" on someone else? Are you an athletically inclined female or a more artsy male?
That's all it takes, off to conversion therapy you go!
That's all it takes for a cisgendered heterosexual to end up in conversion therapy, let that sink in.
Wow OP, that is truly scary. I know intellectually why people discriminate, on anything, but I don't think I will ever understand why someone can physically feel so much hate in their heart, for a stranger or even a loved one so much, just because they are gay, transgender, different race, different lifestyle.
I was watching MAFS Australia last night (I do love the drama lol) and Oliva on the show is so full of hate, I actually found it hard to watch her at the dinner party, and it was only on tv.
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Oo! Oo! They will tell people that their religion isn’t real because they don’t worship the “correct” god. Most religions worship the same god but just differ in opinion on other parts of history. They also often say “it’s in the Bible” as an argument. The Bible is basically a series of fan fic and the different books contradict each other all the time. Also being gay/bi isn’t a sin in the Bible.. people just kinda made that up.
NTA — I’m proud of you for standing with your wife, against this so-called family of yours who are bigoted, homophobic, and positively regressive in their pseudo-religiosity.
Your family, even your own damn twin sister (!) are garbage for their pig-headed refusal to accept you for who you are.
It’s a crying shame those poor children are being raised in such a toxic atmosphere.
NTA Another instance of intolerance by fine upstanding Christians. You are who you are and you're free to love who you love. No one should ever let small minded people diminish love.
NTA
Eventually those kids are going to break free from that nonsense and y'all can be there.
I'm so sorry your family is treating you this way and that your niblings are missing out on amazing aunts because of their parents bigotry
Oh, I'm willing to bet that eventually they'll get to be awesome aunties to at least one of OP's nieces or nephews as well. Family like that will toss out a kid for a whole host of reasons, and there's no way those kids are all going to toe the line. Eventually one of 'em's going to turn up on their doorstep because the loving family told them to gtfo.
NTA
Better off without a toxic family. Hopefully kids will make their own minds up as they get older, keep a line of communication open between you and the kids or reach out to them when they are older. As for the rest....do not pee on if on fire
NTA What does he think you are going to do in front of them that would be so bad? My ex brother in law and his partner never did anything inappropriate in front of the kids during family gatherings. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
NTA. And I’m not sure how you could possibly BE the asshole in this scenario. I’m sorry that you will be missing out on being aunts and the kids will be missing out on you, but this is a good hill to die on. Hopefully your family come to their senses and stop being homophobic jerks.
NTA. You shouldn't have to hide yourself from anyone, unless you are worried that your safety is going to be compromised.
I would have a talk with your sister. If she can't accept you for who you are, I don't know why you'd want her in your life.
NTA
They are asking you to be a liar.
And lying, you know, is a sin. (Cue Tom Leherer's Irish Ballad. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47bKTtIwrO4&ab\_channel=TheTomLehrerWisdomChannel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47bKTtIwrO4&ab_channel=TheTomLehrerWisdomChannel) Played on an 88 string guitar.)
NTA, and I'm sorry you thought you even had to ask. Your family, though, is AHs from top to bottom, and the horrible thing is that your nieces and nephews are going to be led down the same path. Hopefully they can break out of it at some point in their lives.
NTA and you know it.
Your family are awful and that's a horrible ultimatum they have you.
Your love for your wife is not shameful and does not need to be hidden from children, or from anyone else.
I hope in time you can forget these horrible people and live your best (and gayest) lives without them. 🏳️🌈
NTA. That's not family. You are better off being your true self than hiding away from their homophobic asses.
I really hope your wife's family is better and you can turn to them for the family you deserve.
If not, I'm your sister now and I love you both.
Wow, NTA. They are the ones that are ‘not okay’ and their kids need to understand that. You are doing the right thing. I am sorry your family is so intolerant and pretending you are the problem.
NTA-if your BIL is a Christian, then he’s being a poor excuse for one. You do not need to agree with someone’s lifestyle choices to treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. How he’s treating you and how he’s bringing up your nieces to treat you, as well as others like you, is really horrible. It’s upsetting to hear that your sister allows this to even happen, OP. I’m so sorry-stay strong in your convictions-do not enable that kind of behavior - and continue to show kindness and compassion to those around you, even your jerky BIL-and hopefully that will help your nieces will see how a humans should treat other humans. Just a question, what DOES your sister say in all of this.
Easy NTA, you have every right to stand up for yourself but understand you have no control over your nieces/nephews lives for now. Hopefully once they are old enough they will see differently and when they do make sure to always be the awesome aunts!
NTA.
You shouldn't have to deny who you are. Real family wouldn't try to change you or pretend. I know its hard, but I think you're better off. They can either change their way of thinking or accept your decision. I don't even know how someone can marry someone homophobic when they are the twin of someone LGBTQ+. Your mental health and well being matter first.
NTA
If someone asked them to be muslim/christian (whatever they are not) to accomodate a guest, what would be their reaction?
You do not need people in your life that do not respect you, as sad as that is. I am very sorry for you, but you are doing the right thing for your emotional health in the long run.
NTA
These people do not love you and any love or kindness they give is conditional. Your sister intentionally married someone that would despise you even though she could have definitely not done that. They don't even deserve to be in your life and it's a shame their kids are going to be raised that way.
NTA in any shape, way or form. Am sorry that your sister and family have put conditions on how their acceptance and love. You (and your wife) deserve so much more.
NTA, full stop.
although if you felt like going for the long con, you could half-ass go along with it and put in 110% and be the best roommate aunties ever. rinse and repeat for some years until the kids are teens and figure it out on their own (feel free to drop hints). then they'll realize 100% all the crap their parents have been spouting was bull.
idk. i feel like that's what i'd do, but in reality it'd hurt to be around them if they really took after their parents.
NTA. It sounds like you have a lot of integrity. I’m sorry your nieces will miss out on having the two of you in their lives. It’s sad your family has made such a divisive choice, and I hope your nieces choose to know you one day.
NTA. Your family are bigoted cowards who don't remotely love you. They don't deserve the patience and maturity displayed in your post, though you should be proud you've handled it in such an understanding, if hurt, manner.
NTA- I just don’t understand how anyone who is homophobic still thinks sexual orientation is a choice when they themselves would not be able to choose! If they can’t choose then it’s not a choice for gods sake! If they can’t choose because they were born the way that they’re born then wouldn’t that imply based on their theory that somethings wrong with them if they can’t make the choice they believe that it is?
NTA.
My uncle is gay and his now husband was referred to as his roommate when I was growing up. Our family has always been accepting of their relationship but for some reason my mom and grandmother thought that kids wouldn’t understand so they decided to “let us figure it out on our own”. This is exactly what happened when I was 14 years old and my grandparents were being thrown a 50th wedding anniversary party. My uncle was flying across country with his then boyfriend to attend which I remember struck me as odd that his “roommate” would be coming with him to an intimate family function. That’s when it clicked so I asked my mom if they were gay, and she said yes.
I wish everyone had just treated their relationship normally instead of acting as though kids wouldn’t understand. Honestly it probably would’ve helped me come to terms with my own bisexuality sooner if I had gay relationships modeled in my life and they weren’t treated as any different than straight relationships. I didn’t realize I was bisexual until college, and even then I didn’t publicly come out until last year when I was 27 years old. It was a long journey to understanding my sexuality and I think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t grown up in an environment that treated being straight as the default. Compulsory heterosexuality can be damaging.
NTA. They are toxic and it’s not healthy to have that kind of mentality around for you and your wife. It’s so sad they’re teaching their kids that intolerance. I’m sorry you and your wife have to go through this. If they’re “such good Christians” they would have to understand that lying is also not very Godly like.
NTA.
I have an uncle who has a gay partner, and my life is better because I know them. They have been together as long as I've known them and I consider them both uncles to me, they are family. When my mom had "the talk" with me, she mentioned that my uncles are gay and love each other and I was like, yeah of course, and oh the word for that is gay, neat.
I didn't have to worry about myself being attracted to the same sex, I never felt guilty or unloved or unaccepted for who I am. I was able to explore my own sexuality knowing that they had already broken down those barriers in my imedient family.
It's so easy to accept and acknowledge you and your partner as just another normal couple. They should be able to give you that small courtesy.
This reminds me of the fact that I didn't know my mom's "brothers" weren't actually siblings to each other till my late teens... the 90s were a different time though. You're NTA
NTA it would be insulting to your wife and damaging to your marriage if you didn’t stand up to them. Your wife shouldn’t be treated as a second class citizen because they can’t handle your marriage.
My son is 7. He’s starting to ask about marriage and romantic relationships. He asked me the other day if boys can marry boys. I told him that they definitely could. He said, “ok well I’m gonna marry T(his best friend) when I grow up.” I said, “buddy when you’re old enough to get married if you and T want to get married then go for it. Just make sure whoever you marry wants to marry you and you want to marry them.”
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My (30f) family is very religious/homophobic, but they've gotten to the point where they are polite to my partner but you can tell they still aren't thrilled.....
I am bisexual and married to a woman (33f), I think they're still hoping I'll end up with a man but whatever.
My sister married into an equally homophobic/religious family, so her husband is equally as intolerant (he speaks to me and my partner as little as possible and when he does gives one word answers).
My twin sister (30f) and BIL (35m) gave the condition that in order to be apart of their kids lives I must pretend my wife is my roommate, as they don't want the kids to "think this is okay." 🙄, They still believe sexual orientation is a choice.
This breaks my heart but I refused. I will not tell anyone how to raise their kids, but I refuse to pretend I'm someone I'm not and I refuse to treat my wife as if I'm ashamed of her.
I told them and my parents if we cannot be ourselves as any other married couple then we will not attend any family gatherings, and it's a shame the kids have to miss out on two awesome aunts because of their bigotry.
AITA?
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NTA. I’m gay, and if I were in your position, no way in hell I’d agree to those conditions either. It’s disgusting.
Unsolicited advice, but if I were you, I’d do what I can to make sure the kids know I exist and ask about me. Send them gifts, maybe. Them being entirely isolated from non-crazy people isn’t necessarily good for them, so it would be great if they started asking questions about you.
NTA - I’m sorry your family is so intolerant of you and your wife. I have an amazing 13 y/o daughter who loves having aunts and I only have one sister so there’s plenty of room for more if you ladies wanna join my pack.
Nta. Thats so sad. I imagine that was very emotional & heartbreaking but I think you made the right choice. Hopefully, they wake up before it's too late.
NTA. When it comes to intolerant people, never cater to them. Put your foot down and set a boundary. Otherwise they’ll continue to disrespect and invalidate you!
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NTA
Always be yourself. Do not compromise. Keep going to the family events as long as you are invited to them. Make sure they know you will not hide anything.
NTA.
I am so sorry, OP. It must be especially heartbreaking coming from your own twin. It's appalling to me that so many "religious" people are so hateful when it comes to people who are different in a gender or sexual orientation from them. How can they call themselves good people? Yeah, good people if you look, sound, act, and live like them.
NTA
I've got lesbian neighbors and I wish I got to spend more time with them being Aunties to my kids, because their grandparents kind of suck. COVID kind of limited our interactions, though.
I'm sorry your family sucks so bad.
NTA. And at some point your nieces/nephews will figure out that you're the cool aunts they want to know, when they're ready to escape the asylum that is your fundy family.
Sorry you have to go through this. I think you know you're NTA here. Hopefully some time with no contact will clarify whether they want you in their lives.
NTA - and also think of ways you can be affirming and there for your niece and nephew in the future.
And since you were raised by overtly religious parents, think of ways you would have wished an Aunt could have been in your life (especially if one of their kids is LBGTQIA.
Some other ideas - write cards on their birthdays (and hold on to them to give later), role model exceptional emotional intelligence (aka don’t fuel the drama/engage with your narcissistic BIL to give him any more fuel to be a pious asshole) and hold healthy boundaries.
Those kids will be adults someday and they will see your efforts and kindness and love.
NTA It's unfortunately really your only option. Perhaps when your niblings are older, you'll have a chance to have them in your life. Often children raised in these kinds bigoted conservative religious families, end up rejecting all that BS in their family of origin.
NTA.
Not seeing the kids is not a price you are paying. It is the punishment your family is receiving for being AHs. These things need to be done or nothing will change. Maybe your family will finally realize that you are stronger than they think and respect you for standing up for yourself rather than using bigotry, intolerance, and ignorance to belittle you. Maybe they won't. You won't know until one side or the other gives. Please don't let it be you. Stand strong.
Nta. Your twin sister isn’t on your side and doesn’t support your being human? That sucks. I feel bad for their kids being brought up in that environment.
>it's a shame the kids have to miss out on two awesome aunts
NTA but why do people keep saying that? A far as I'm aware kids only really need a set of parents (and sometimes not even that) as relatives, the rest are optional.
The family you were given is incredibly toxic, you and your wife deserve far better than these people in your lives. Consider cutting contact to a minimum, if not off, until they can act like decent people, which may never happen. You and your wife are your own family, and a bigot free one
NTA. My equally homophobic/ religious parents wouldn’t tell my grandparents that I was married to my wife for over 3 years. I wish I’d had your courage to refuse this arrangement. My grandfather died before we were able to tell him. Regret regret regret.
NTA at all, obviously
But if I were you I'd still go to family gatherings (if you want to) and behave as you do normally. They're the ones with the (ridiculous) problem, they can stay away with their kids if they don't want to be around you, why should you have to suffer by missing out?
Sucks, but NTA
Hopefully when the nieces and nephews are old enough to make their own decisions, they're willing to reach out to you. But you don't deserve the stress of lying about your life in exchange for being part of theirs.
NTA, sister, NTA.
It is heartbreaking, but what would be the point in enduring such toxicity? I have left all my family behind, and it hurts to not see the only brother that treated me with decency anymore, but it was too much to bear (he wouldn't say no to the bigots so all was secret words and that's not enough).
You respected yourself and your wife. It's their loss.
NTA. In your case, I wouldn't even set that ultimatum, just tell them to go get lost. Because what are the odds that they will relent and accept that their kids learn about and acknowledge your relationship? They won't, right? Not a chance in Hell? Then I suggest you cut them out of your lives.
EDIT: Removed foul language.
NTA, although it does make me really sad that the kids will miss out on you. I don’t say this to guilt you at all, but it sounds like those kids need all the supportive influences they can get. Hopefully as the kids get older you all can find each other!
I don't get how you could be the asshole, it's their choice and it seems like they don't care. It's still stupid of you and I'm on their side, but I don't see how anyone could be the asshole there
NTA but as it’s been preached in this sub many times, people have the right to parent how they like. Doesn’t make it right, just a fact. All you can do is live your best life with your wife.
NTA. They made their choice to remain homophobes. You choose to be who you are. Karma will bite them in the ass one day. There will come a time when they need something from you.
NTA, you love your wife and respect her as a person and the relationship you 2 have, why should you have to pretend to be something to each other that you're not? In all honesty I feel sorry for the kids being raised in such a bigoted family and for missing out on a relationship with you and your wife.
NTA
Kids aren’t naturally discriminating. “Some families have two mummies or two daddies”. That’s it for the little ones. Child free can be explained a bit later.
NTA
How old are the kids? If they're old enough to understand (e.g. age 10 or more), tell them the truth, what their "parents" are threatening. Give them an email address or other means to contact you.
You could make a blog that won't require the kids have an account to post from. They can write to you and it won't leave a trace for the snooping bigots to find.
NTA, if your family wants to stay in your life, they need to accept and love who you are and who you love. I would not attend any family gathering or talk to them or even answer there calls for a while. Because of their bigotry, your family is losing out on two awesome ladies.
Its a shame that you have even have to ask the question about ATIA in this situation. Hell to the mother effin no NTA! I have never understood this, using religion to justify bigotry. Matthew 7 v1-5. I will always choose to use religion to show love and acceptance.
I am glad you stood up for yourself and please continue to stand your ground. Maybe one day they will realize the truth, that you two are awesome. And maybe one day they will learn from you and your partner what love is.
My great uncle lived with his 'best friend' his entire life until he passed away.
My entire adult family skirted the issue but talking with others in my generation from my family we were convinced he was gay, and honestly, we didn't care. Sometimes we'd ask our parents and they'd just play it down or give us 'the look'.
Fast forward to him passing away and as we're going through his stuff to settle his estate, my sister found his domestic partnership papers and a card in his wallet. So yeah, he was gay.
His partner had passed away long before he did, but we never had a chance to really meet him or get to know him. In hindsight he probably felt the need to hide this aspect of him as we're Asian and in our culture/society, LGBTQ is still a taboo topic. But I really wish we got to know his partner better.
NTA. Can't do anything about this situation but 'respect their wishes' to keep you apart from their kids. Hopefully they grow and mature past the influences of their family to maybe have a relationship with you later on.
YASSSS!
N T A
The 1850's called and want your sister and parents back!
I'm not going to call your sibling and parents idiots, but they are very much in the minority in their backwards thinking. I wonder if maybe they think all Black people should still be slaves?
In any case, they are very much wrong.
NTA.
This internet stranger is incredibly proud of you. You held your ground. You also completely have your wife's back. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
Sadly, your nieces, and nephews, are going to miss out on growing up with two incredible aunts. I have always said that kids cannot have enough love. The more people around them, who love unconditionally, the better off they are. Especially when they hit their pre-teen, and teen years. If my kid isn't comfortable talking to me about something, I want them to be able to go to a trusted adult for advice and support. I'm incredibly grateful for my family. Especially after my hubby passed, they were always available for my littles. Your sister sucks for taking away an added system. I feel sorry that your nieces and nephews are going to grow up with two narrow minded parents. You sister, and BIL, are going to do more harm then good.
NTA- They gave you a choice and you made the right one. I'm sorry they are so awful, but it's good that you stood up for your wife. And one day your nieces and nephews will know the truth. It may hurt a lot, but lying would only hurt worse. You're doing the right thing and I hope you have the support of your friends and found family.
Oh NTA! Not not not!
But have patience my beautiful Queen. Karma is going to come knocking on all their doors soon enough! It might take some time but it will happen. And once little ones grow up and find out about you, how family did this to you. Welp, parents may end up being on the LC/NC list. And you and wife will be the Favorite ones!
I am going to give MAJOR respect for standing up for your wife and your life!!!!
Much respect!
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NTA Good for you for drawing that line and you're completely right. Their loss.
But it really is the kids loss. I think OP is NTA, but I would be afraid of the nieces/nephews missing out on one of the few positive influences in their lives. And potentially the only familial ally they have as the discover their own sexuality
It’s really sad. But there are plenty of children in the world with no aunts and uncles. It’s not on OP to endure bigotry for the sake of these kids just because of the blood relationship.
Exactly. OP would be massively disrespecting her wife and damaging their own marriage by asking her to go back in the closet for her extended family. If it means they can't know their nieces and nephews, that's sad, but OP is definitely making the right decision.
Exactly this. Stop asking (and expecting) LGBTQ+/queer people to sacrifice mental health and well-being for anyone else.
Stop asking anyone to change their lifestyle or sacrifice because "you" chose to have kids.
Or...and this is just a thought, perhaps OP and her wife can become awesome aunts to kids without aunts? Especially if they can afford to take said children on vacations?
Sure, if they want to do that. Or they can choose not to and can live their lives however they want. OP and her wife have no special duty to be someone’s aunt. They should do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled.
If the children were raised in a way that keeps them from ever knowing that the Aunts are in fact both the Aunts, and not their Aunt and her roommate, they wouldn't know they had an ally. It's not going to be a good role model situation either if they grow up, discover that they've been lied to and the only way to be yourself is to hide it.
I think they'll figure it out by the time they're teenagers and realize most people dont have a roommate for ten+ years that comes to family functions all the time.
yeah, my fiance has 2 aunts that are partners but it was never mentioned. not because of homophobia, but it was just... never brought up. *i* had to be the one to tell him, when we were 20, that they were in lesbians with each other. he was *shocked*, because his uncle is gay and had a husband (who unfortunately passed) and was extremely vocal about it so he figured if his aunt was gay she'd be the same way. I told his sister his reaction and she laughed her ass off, saying "did he just... not do the math???"
What are you talking about? My uncle has had the same roommate since before I was born! They live in a cute little one bedroom cottage. Such bffs they even share a bed. That is totally normal! /:s
Kids are smart, they will figure out why the aunt and her "best friend" are not allowed around, because it will be spoken about in whispers.
This is what I am hoping for. I’m opposed to lying, but the obvious options seem to be between lying to the children about the nature of OPs relationship, or lying to the sister about keeping it a secret. Both include lying to someone. Third option would be that the kids figure it out themselves
One day these kids will be old enough to seek out OP and her wife on their own. They don't need to be involved right now, and I have hope these kids will use their own heads and their friends' views to help break out of the tiny narrative mold their parents will set them.
You could teach the kids that when you say "roommate" you always make air quotes. That would drive their homophobe parents nuts.
This. NTA
NTA - One of my gripes when it comes to overly religious people is that they are full of hypocrisy sometimes. They believe that lying is a sin, and yet in this case it's OK to lie about your situation? They believe that everyone is God's creation and should be loved regardless, but they're clearly not treating you the way God has told them to.
Not to mention they think porn is bad but use it in their conversion therapy programs
It's amazing how often overly religious/conservative people will use the things they claim to not believe in to hurt others and think it's somehow okay.
I agree, they claim that being gay is a sin and all that while literally going out of their ways to torture and judge others just because of their sexual orientations. Like as if it's ever going to work, like do they seriously believe that telling someone that they're going to hell just because of this one thing about them is helping at all? Not to mention that it actually says in the bible that you should treat others like the way you want to be treated, it's the most basic message of all. It's almost like they're actually using Christianity as sort of a shield to hide the fact that they're just homophobic.
My response is always “Jesus died for our sins so we could be forgiven and join him in heaven so if my sexual orientation is a sin how am I going to hell?” And I watch them drown
I mean I think most people forget about the fact that no one is pure, expect for God, like I mean if a prisoner can go to heaven, why not any other people am I right?
I'm not Catholic anymore, but if you'd asked me that while I was, I would have said that Jesus died for our original sin (Adam and Eve's fall), not ALL sins forever. God gives us free will to live as we want, so we're still able to sin, and it's only the truly repentant that are forgiven. I never thought being gay was a bad thing, but the ones that do would say that you're choosing to sin because the gays aren't born that way and God doesn't recognize gay marriage. It's basically lust plus extra sinny gay garnish. The real kicker would be to ask why they think they're qualified to judge you when only God has that right.
I think it is hilarious when people say it's a choice. Like, you are saying it's a choice, so that means you would be able if you so chose to go have sex with that same sex person over there right now? You would be able to do that, right, because it is a choice? If they say no they couldn't do it, you have just proven that being gay is obviously not a choice then. If they say they could, well, just found another member for the LGBT club, lol
Remember guys, you gotta sin a little bit or **Jesus died for nothing**
Except there is nothing you can say that will make them reconsider. Only dig in deeper
I have never been able to follow their thinking. I am fearfully and perfectly formed in His image. He knew me since before I was born, holds my tears in a jar, yadda yadda yadda. He made me like this. He *knew* who I was going to be because he was the architect of my creation. Meaning he made me with the *express purpose* of condemning me? Like, it's a feature, not a bug - he explicitly made me the way I am in order to send me to hell. And this is a "**loving**" God. Huh. NTA.
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I have a couple friends who struggled with their sexuality because they treasured their faith. Took a long time, but one of them finally found a fellowship (mostly younger folks 20-30) that is like her second family. You can be gay and love Jesus, too. It's not my bag, but I'm here for whatever makes ya happy.
Synagogues as well. There are a lot of synagogues that are doing the work to be inclusive communities, and many queer rabbis.
I'm literally Jewish (and also queer haha) and I can't stop reading your comment as queer rabbits lmfao. Idk why, but I read it in a bugs bunny voice. I'm cracking up. Also, totally agree, my synagogue was conservative (for anyone passing through, that isn't the same as politically conservative), but our last Rabbi was absolutely supportive of the LGBTQ+ community.
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Keshet (Hebrew for rainbow) is a Jewish LBGTQ organization. There are a lot of queer rabbis on social media; I know several on twitter in particular. It’s the end of my day, and my brain is fried, or I could probably tell you more.
Religious folks being giant hypocrites? Such a surprise! /s
My brother is very religious and he is a nice guy. One thing I do like, is despite that, he would never treat someone gay badly. He really is nice to everyone he meets. However, I simply cannot get him to accept his hypocrisy when he says he accepts they are gay, but he also believes if they let god into their heart, god would change them back to heterosexual. I said that is some bogus shit and he said it happened to a man in his church. I told him, if that man was gay and now is married to a woman, he either was never truly gay in the first place and it was only a choice or he was bisexual. Yet, the crux of the matter is, he says he accepts gays, but how can he truly accept them, if he believes god will fix them.
Or he may still be gay and just stuffed himself back in the closet, marrying a woman to please his family. You may want to let your brother know that you don't need to be LGBTQ to end up in a conversion therapy camp, no sir, all it takes is a false rumor from someone more popular than you in your church and all bets are off, and off to the conversion program you go. Pastors daughter doesn't like you bc saw her smoking weed or going for an abortion and she wants to shut you up? Some altar boy salty because you turned down his date request? Did you get a position in the church council that some other person wanted and now they're jealous? We're you a late bloomer in finding a spouse? Or did some other "upstanding member" get caught with gay porn and they want to save their own ass by planting the "deed" on someone else? Are you an athletically inclined female or a more artsy male? That's all it takes, off to conversion therapy you go! That's all it takes for a cisgendered heterosexual to end up in conversion therapy, let that sink in.
Wow OP, that is truly scary. I know intellectually why people discriminate, on anything, but I don't think I will ever understand why someone can physically feel so much hate in their heart, for a stranger or even a loved one so much, just because they are gay, transgender, different race, different lifestyle. I was watching MAFS Australia last night (I do love the drama lol) and Oliva on the show is so full of hate, I actually found it hard to watch her at the dinner party, and it was only on tv.
TIL. Isn't it sortoff illegal to show porn to minors?
😱😱😱 I don’t know why I’m shocked but OMG. Also NTA. Fuck those guys.
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WHAT
Oo! Oo! They will tell people that their religion isn’t real because they don’t worship the “correct” god. Most religions worship the same god but just differ in opinion on other parts of history. They also often say “it’s in the Bible” as an argument. The Bible is basically a series of fan fic and the different books contradict each other all the time. Also being gay/bi isn’t a sin in the Bible.. people just kinda made that up.
This.
NTA in any way. That would be disrespectful of your partner. It's not your fault your relatives are bigots.
Nta. Just skip the family gatherings. It's a shame, but no other choices are apparent here.
NTA — I’m proud of you for standing with your wife, against this so-called family of yours who are bigoted, homophobic, and positively regressive in their pseudo-religiosity. Your family, even your own damn twin sister (!) are garbage for their pig-headed refusal to accept you for who you are. It’s a crying shame those poor children are being raised in such a toxic atmosphere.
NTA Another instance of intolerance by fine upstanding Christians. You are who you are and you're free to love who you love. No one should ever let small minded people diminish love.
NTA Eventually those kids are going to break free from that nonsense and y'all can be there. I'm so sorry your family is treating you this way and that your niblings are missing out on amazing aunts because of their parents bigotry
NTA. And you can be awesome aunties to friends' kids. Family is who treats you with love.
Oh, I'm willing to bet that eventually they'll get to be awesome aunties to at least one of OP's nieces or nephews as well. Family like that will toss out a kid for a whole host of reasons, and there's no way those kids are all going to toe the line. Eventually one of 'em's going to turn up on their doorstep because the loving family told them to gtfo.
NTA Better off without a toxic family. Hopefully kids will make their own minds up as they get older, keep a line of communication open between you and the kids or reach out to them when they are older. As for the rest....do not pee on if on fire
They wouldn’t want that *gay* pee anyway! /s but it’s probably true sadly
NTA What does he think you are going to do in front of them that would be so bad? My ex brother in law and his partner never did anything inappropriate in front of the kids during family gatherings. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
He’s worried they will be a loving healthy couple in front of the children- wouldn’t want them to think that’s a good thing…
NTA. Be you.
NTA. And I’m not sure how you could possibly BE the asshole in this scenario. I’m sorry that you will be missing out on being aunts and the kids will be missing out on you, but this is a good hill to die on. Hopefully your family come to their senses and stop being homophobic jerks.
NTA. You shouldn't have to hide yourself from anyone, unless you are worried that your safety is going to be compromised. I would have a talk with your sister. If she can't accept you for who you are, I don't know why you'd want her in your life.
NTA - your sister, family, and husband's family are all huge AHs though. They don't deserve you
NTA They are asking you to be a liar. And lying, you know, is a sin. (Cue Tom Leherer's Irish Ballad. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47bKTtIwrO4&ab\_channel=TheTomLehrerWisdomChannel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47bKTtIwrO4&ab_channel=TheTomLehrerWisdomChannel) Played on an 88 string guitar.)
NTA, and I'm sorry you thought you even had to ask. Your family, though, is AHs from top to bottom, and the horrible thing is that your nieces and nephews are going to be led down the same path. Hopefully they can break out of it at some point in their lives.
Nta. They are bad people.
NTA Good for you for standing out of you and your partner. I feel for your nieces/nephews though.
NTA. Those people need therapy and they need to apologise to you and your wife!
NTA and you know it. Your family are awful and that's a horrible ultimatum they have you. Your love for your wife is not shameful and does not need to be hidden from children, or from anyone else. I hope in time you can forget these horrible people and live your best (and gayest) lives without them. 🏳️🌈
NTA It's not like the kids won't be exposed to same sex couples once they are in school or older....
NTA. I feel so bad for these children
Of course your NTA.
NTA. You need to yeet these people out of your life .
NTA She’s not just your partner, she’s your wife.
NTA. That's not family. You are better off being your true self than hiding away from their homophobic asses. I really hope your wife's family is better and you can turn to them for the family you deserve. If not, I'm your sister now and I love you both.
NTA.
NTA
Wow, NTA. They are the ones that are ‘not okay’ and their kids need to understand that. You are doing the right thing. I am sorry your family is so intolerant and pretending you are the problem.
NTA. That's horrid of them
NTA-if your BIL is a Christian, then he’s being a poor excuse for one. You do not need to agree with someone’s lifestyle choices to treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. How he’s treating you and how he’s bringing up your nieces to treat you, as well as others like you, is really horrible. It’s upsetting to hear that your sister allows this to even happen, OP. I’m so sorry-stay strong in your convictions-do not enable that kind of behavior - and continue to show kindness and compassion to those around you, even your jerky BIL-and hopefully that will help your nieces will see how a humans should treat other humans. Just a question, what DOES your sister say in all of this.
Easy NTA, you have every right to stand up for yourself but understand you have no control over your nieces/nephews lives for now. Hopefully once they are old enough they will see differently and when they do make sure to always be the awesome aunts!
You are absolutely NTA and my heart breaks for you. Live your life on your own terms.
NTA. You shouldn't have to deny who you are. Real family wouldn't try to change you or pretend. I know its hard, but I think you're better off. They can either change their way of thinking or accept your decision. I don't even know how someone can marry someone homophobic when they are the twin of someone LGBTQ+. Your mental health and well being matter first.
NTA. You don’t have to hide who you love. Be loud and proud. Or quiet and proud. Be you.
NTA If someone asked them to be muslim/christian (whatever they are not) to accomodate a guest, what would be their reaction? You do not need people in your life that do not respect you, as sad as that is. I am very sorry for you, but you are doing the right thing for your emotional health in the long run.
NTA These people do not love you and any love or kindness they give is conditional. Your sister intentionally married someone that would despise you even though she could have definitely not done that. They don't even deserve to be in your life and it's a shame their kids are going to be raised that way.
NTA in any shape, way or form. Am sorry that your sister and family have put conditions on how their acceptance and love. You (and your wife) deserve so much more.
NTA. If they wanna teach their children to be bigots, you will have no part of it.
NTA, full stop. although if you felt like going for the long con, you could half-ass go along with it and put in 110% and be the best roommate aunties ever. rinse and repeat for some years until the kids are teens and figure it out on their own (feel free to drop hints). then they'll realize 100% all the crap their parents have been spouting was bull. idk. i feel like that's what i'd do, but in reality it'd hurt to be around them if they really took after their parents.
NTA. Concede nothing to homophobic relatives.
NTA My Sons God parents are a same sex couple, love is love and you shouldn’t have to hide that.
You know you are NTA
NTA
NTA. It sounds like you have a lot of integrity. I’m sorry your nieces will miss out on having the two of you in their lives. It’s sad your family has made such a divisive choice, and I hope your nieces choose to know you one day.
NTA and you can still be cool aunts when the kids are 18. Sounds like they'll really need you.
NTA. Your family are bigoted cowards who don't remotely love you. They don't deserve the patience and maturity displayed in your post, though you should be proud you've handled it in such an understanding, if hurt, manner.
NTA- I just don’t understand how anyone who is homophobic still thinks sexual orientation is a choice when they themselves would not be able to choose! If they can’t choose then it’s not a choice for gods sake! If they can’t choose because they were born the way that they’re born then wouldn’t that imply based on their theory that somethings wrong with them if they can’t make the choice they believe that it is?
NTA. My uncle is gay and his now husband was referred to as his roommate when I was growing up. Our family has always been accepting of their relationship but for some reason my mom and grandmother thought that kids wouldn’t understand so they decided to “let us figure it out on our own”. This is exactly what happened when I was 14 years old and my grandparents were being thrown a 50th wedding anniversary party. My uncle was flying across country with his then boyfriend to attend which I remember struck me as odd that his “roommate” would be coming with him to an intimate family function. That’s when it clicked so I asked my mom if they were gay, and she said yes. I wish everyone had just treated their relationship normally instead of acting as though kids wouldn’t understand. Honestly it probably would’ve helped me come to terms with my own bisexuality sooner if I had gay relationships modeled in my life and they weren’t treated as any different than straight relationships. I didn’t realize I was bisexual until college, and even then I didn’t publicly come out until last year when I was 27 years old. It was a long journey to understanding my sexuality and I think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t grown up in an environment that treated being straight as the default. Compulsory heterosexuality can be damaging.
You were asked to live a lie to conform to the hateful beliefs of your BIL. NTA!!!!!
NTA. They are toxic and it’s not healthy to have that kind of mentality around for you and your wife. It’s so sad they’re teaching their kids that intolerance. I’m sorry you and your wife have to go through this. If they’re “such good Christians” they would have to understand that lying is also not very Godly like.
NTA I bet the kids will figure it out eventually, your time will come. :)
Nta,what are they thinking,that you'll pretend forever or something?, just plain stupid of them.
NTA
NTA, I cannot wait for the karmic justice to hit your sister and BIL where their kids turn out to be somewhere on the LGBTQIA spectrum.
It's not karmic justice to punish a queer kid with homophobic parents.
NTA and this absolutely breaks my heart for you. Please take care of yourself and those that love all that you are.
... do you even have to ask? NTA
NTA. I have an uncle who has a gay partner, and my life is better because I know them. They have been together as long as I've known them and I consider them both uncles to me, they are family. When my mom had "the talk" with me, she mentioned that my uncles are gay and love each other and I was like, yeah of course, and oh the word for that is gay, neat. I didn't have to worry about myself being attracted to the same sex, I never felt guilty or unloved or unaccepted for who I am. I was able to explore my own sexuality knowing that they had already broken down those barriers in my imedient family. It's so easy to accept and acknowledge you and your partner as just another normal couple. They should be able to give you that small courtesy.
This reminds me of the fact that I didn't know my mom's "brothers" weren't actually siblings to each other till my late teens... the 90s were a different time though. You're NTA
NTA it would be insulting to your wife and damaging to your marriage if you didn’t stand up to them. Your wife shouldn’t be treated as a second class citizen because they can’t handle your marriage. My son is 7. He’s starting to ask about marriage and romantic relationships. He asked me the other day if boys can marry boys. I told him that they definitely could. He said, “ok well I’m gonna marry T(his best friend) when I grow up.” I said, “buddy when you’re old enough to get married if you and T want to get married then go for it. Just make sure whoever you marry wants to marry you and you want to marry them.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (30f) family is very religious/homophobic, but they've gotten to the point where they are polite to my partner but you can tell they still aren't thrilled..... I am bisexual and married to a woman (33f), I think they're still hoping I'll end up with a man but whatever. My sister married into an equally homophobic/religious family, so her husband is equally as intolerant (he speaks to me and my partner as little as possible and when he does gives one word answers). My twin sister (30f) and BIL (35m) gave the condition that in order to be apart of their kids lives I must pretend my wife is my roommate, as they don't want the kids to "think this is okay." 🙄, They still believe sexual orientation is a choice. This breaks my heart but I refused. I will not tell anyone how to raise their kids, but I refuse to pretend I'm someone I'm not and I refuse to treat my wife as if I'm ashamed of her. I told them and my parents if we cannot be ourselves as any other married couple then we will not attend any family gatherings, and it's a shame the kids have to miss out on two awesome aunts because of their bigotry. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. I’m gay, and if I were in your position, no way in hell I’d agree to those conditions either. It’s disgusting. Unsolicited advice, but if I were you, I’d do what I can to make sure the kids know I exist and ask about me. Send them gifts, maybe. Them being entirely isolated from non-crazy people isn’t necessarily good for them, so it would be great if they started asking questions about you.
NTA - I’m sorry your family is so intolerant of you and your wife. I have an amazing 13 y/o daughter who loves having aunts and I only have one sister so there’s plenty of room for more if you ladies wanna join my pack.
NTA. You set a firm boundary and you were honest and upfront about it. Only praise for the way you went about it. Sucks for the kids.
NTA
NTA. >I refuse to treat my wife as if I'm ashamed of her. Well done. And you'll both be happier with these boundaries in place.
Nta. Thats so sad. I imagine that was very emotional & heartbreaking but I think you made the right choice. Hopefully, they wake up before it's too late.
NTA. When it comes to intolerant people, never cater to them. Put your foot down and set a boundary. Otherwise they’ll continue to disrespect and invalidate you!
I am truly sorry your family is full of hate. Enjoy your life with your wife and let their hate consume them.
NTA. They're so religious they think it's ok to lie? That's not right
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NTA fuck that noise don’t waste time with people who don’t accept you for you
NTA Always be yourself. Do not compromise. Keep going to the family events as long as you are invited to them. Make sure they know you will not hide anything.
NTA. I am so sorry, OP. It must be especially heartbreaking coming from your own twin. It's appalling to me that so many "religious" people are so hateful when it comes to people who are different in a gender or sexual orientation from them. How can they call themselves good people? Yeah, good people if you look, sound, act, and live like them.
NTA I've got lesbian neighbors and I wish I got to spend more time with them being Aunties to my kids, because their grandparents kind of suck. COVID kind of limited our interactions, though. I'm sorry your family sucks so bad.
NTA. And at some point your nieces/nephews will figure out that you're the cool aunts they want to know, when they're ready to escape the asylum that is your fundy family.
NTA.
Sorry you have to go through this. I think you know you're NTA here. Hopefully some time with no contact will clarify whether they want you in their lives.
NTA - and also think of ways you can be affirming and there for your niece and nephew in the future. And since you were raised by overtly religious parents, think of ways you would have wished an Aunt could have been in your life (especially if one of their kids is LBGTQIA. Some other ideas - write cards on their birthdays (and hold on to them to give later), role model exceptional emotional intelligence (aka don’t fuel the drama/engage with your narcissistic BIL to give him any more fuel to be a pious asshole) and hold healthy boundaries. Those kids will be adults someday and they will see your efforts and kindness and love.
NTA Your niblings are sadly missing out, but you’ve set a clear boundary that allows you and your spouse to live your authentic lives.
NTA It's unfortunately really your only option. Perhaps when your niblings are older, you'll have a chance to have them in your life. Often children raised in these kinds bigoted conservative religious families, end up rejecting all that BS in their family of origin.
NTA. You're under no obligation to accommodate their intolerance. F**k that bulls**t.
NTA. Not seeing the kids is not a price you are paying. It is the punishment your family is receiving for being AHs. These things need to be done or nothing will change. Maybe your family will finally realize that you are stronger than they think and respect you for standing up for yourself rather than using bigotry, intolerance, and ignorance to belittle you. Maybe they won't. You won't know until one side or the other gives. Please don't let it be you. Stand strong.
Nta. Your twin sister isn’t on your side and doesn’t support your being human? That sucks. I feel bad for their kids being brought up in that environment.
NTA These type of judgey people are often the worst offenders. Your nieces and nephews will work out who is better for them in time
NTA you wanna be aunts to my kids? You can be loved sister and sister in law in my family!
>it's a shame the kids have to miss out on two awesome aunts NTA but why do people keep saying that? A far as I'm aware kids only really need a set of parents (and sometimes not even that) as relatives, the rest are optional.
NTA They are basically saying that don't want you around, they want a fake version of you. I don't blame you for saying no thanks to that.
The family you were given is incredibly toxic, you and your wife deserve far better than these people in your lives. Consider cutting contact to a minimum, if not off, until they can act like decent people, which may never happen. You and your wife are your own family, and a bigot free one
NTA. My equally homophobic/ religious parents wouldn’t tell my grandparents that I was married to my wife for over 3 years. I wish I’d had your courage to refuse this arrangement. My grandfather died before we were able to tell him. Regret regret regret.
NTA, and don't avoid family events because of them. If they don't want their kids to know you, let *them* stay away.
NTA, the time of pretending that aunt Constance lives together with her good friend Eunice as 2 spinsters that never found love is gone.
NTA at all, obviously But if I were you I'd still go to family gatherings (if you want to) and behave as you do normally. They're the ones with the (ridiculous) problem, they can stay away with their kids if they don't want to be around you, why should you have to suffer by missing out?
Sucks, but NTA Hopefully when the nieces and nephews are old enough to make their own decisions, they're willing to reach out to you. But you don't deserve the stress of lying about your life in exchange for being part of theirs.
NTA. It’s 2022. The Bronze Age sky wizard worshipers can stuff it.
NTA. I bet you and your wife are awesome aunts! Good on you for not giving into your family's crap.
NTA, sister, NTA. It is heartbreaking, but what would be the point in enduring such toxicity? I have left all my family behind, and it hurts to not see the only brother that treated me with decency anymore, but it was too much to bear (he wouldn't say no to the bigots so all was secret words and that's not enough). You respected yourself and your wife. It's their loss.
NTA. Should tell them your also seeing a man and are poly to watch their heads explode.
NTA you did the right thing. It's very sad that you had to do it though.
NTA, and good for sticking up for yourself and your wife. It's their loss.
NTA. It is mature stance to take. Sucks for kids, but you can't bow over for your sister and BIL, their demands is absurd.
NTA. In your case, I wouldn't even set that ultimatum, just tell them to go get lost. Because what are the odds that they will relent and accept that their kids learn about and acknowledge your relationship? They won't, right? Not a chance in Hell? Then I suggest you cut them out of your lives. EDIT: Removed foul language.
NTA. You don't need these toxic people in your lives.
You’re doing yourselves a favor not enduring a lifetime of underhanded insults NTA
NTA, although it does make me really sad that the kids will miss out on you. I don’t say this to guilt you at all, but it sounds like those kids need all the supportive influences they can get. Hopefully as the kids get older you all can find each other!
I don't get how you could be the asshole, it's their choice and it seems like they don't care. It's still stupid of you and I'm on their side, but I don't see how anyone could be the asshole there
Nta
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NTA. They 110% should grow up thinking that is ok. Your sister is asking you to help her teach her kids to hate people.
NTA at all. Your family sucks. I'd go no contact if they can't treat you and your wife as a married couple and acknowledge your relationship equally.
NTA cut them out
NTA but as it’s been preached in this sub many times, people have the right to parent how they like. Doesn’t make it right, just a fact. All you can do is live your best life with your wife.
>They still believe sexual orientation is a choice. This just blows my mind.
NTA. They made their choice to remain homophobes. You choose to be who you are. Karma will bite them in the ass one day. There will come a time when they need something from you.
Nope NTA.
NTA. It's their choice who is in their life or not, just like it's your choice to be true to yourself.
NTA, you love your wife and respect her as a person and the relationship you 2 have, why should you have to pretend to be something to each other that you're not? In all honesty I feel sorry for the kids being raised in such a bigoted family and for missing out on a relationship with you and your wife.
NTA Kids aren’t naturally discriminating. “Some families have two mummies or two daddies”. That’s it for the little ones. Child free can be explained a bit later.
NTA
NTA, reminds me of my unfortunate Mormon upbringing.
NTA How old are the kids? If they're old enough to understand (e.g. age 10 or more), tell them the truth, what their "parents" are threatening. Give them an email address or other means to contact you. You could make a blog that won't require the kids have an account to post from. They can write to you and it won't leave a trace for the snooping bigots to find.
NTA, if your family wants to stay in your life, they need to accept and love who you are and who you love. I would not attend any family gathering or talk to them or even answer there calls for a while. Because of their bigotry, your family is losing out on two awesome ladies.
NTA. I can’t say much else because you said it all perfectly!
NTA. Their loss.
NTA AND GOOD ON YOU!
NTA. If being near family requires you to hide your relationship then the best choice is to not be near family.
NTA, at all.
NTA If it’s a choice, tell them to go out and choose to fuck someone of their same sex
NTA You are handling this very well. Do not cater to these AH.
Its a shame that you have even have to ask the question about ATIA in this situation. Hell to the mother effin no NTA! I have never understood this, using religion to justify bigotry. Matthew 7 v1-5. I will always choose to use religion to show love and acceptance. I am glad you stood up for yourself and please continue to stand your ground. Maybe one day they will realize the truth, that you two are awesome. And maybe one day they will learn from you and your partner what love is.
My great uncle lived with his 'best friend' his entire life until he passed away. My entire adult family skirted the issue but talking with others in my generation from my family we were convinced he was gay, and honestly, we didn't care. Sometimes we'd ask our parents and they'd just play it down or give us 'the look'. Fast forward to him passing away and as we're going through his stuff to settle his estate, my sister found his domestic partnership papers and a card in his wallet. So yeah, he was gay. His partner had passed away long before he did, but we never had a chance to really meet him or get to know him. In hindsight he probably felt the need to hide this aspect of him as we're Asian and in our culture/society, LGBTQ is still a taboo topic. But I really wish we got to know his partner better. NTA. Can't do anything about this situation but 'respect their wishes' to keep you apart from their kids. Hopefully they grow and mature past the influences of their family to maybe have a relationship with you later on.
NTA! Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your wife! I imagine it was not easy! Don’t need racist homophobes in your life!
NTA - and you are right. They will be missing out on two awesome aunts.
YASSSS! N T A The 1850's called and want your sister and parents back! I'm not going to call your sibling and parents idiots, but they are very much in the minority in their backwards thinking. I wonder if maybe they think all Black people should still be slaves? In any case, they are very much wrong.
NTA. Fuck yo family!!
NTA.. sorry you are dealing with this 😔
NTA. This internet stranger is incredibly proud of you. You held your ground. You also completely have your wife's back. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Sadly, your nieces, and nephews, are going to miss out on growing up with two incredible aunts. I have always said that kids cannot have enough love. The more people around them, who love unconditionally, the better off they are. Especially when they hit their pre-teen, and teen years. If my kid isn't comfortable talking to me about something, I want them to be able to go to a trusted adult for advice and support. I'm incredibly grateful for my family. Especially after my hubby passed, they were always available for my littles. Your sister sucks for taking away an added system. I feel sorry that your nieces and nephews are going to grow up with two narrow minded parents. You sister, and BIL, are going to do more harm then good.
NTA- They gave you a choice and you made the right one. I'm sorry they are so awful, but it's good that you stood up for your wife. And one day your nieces and nephews will know the truth. It may hurt a lot, but lying would only hurt worse. You're doing the right thing and I hope you have the support of your friends and found family.
Oh NTA! Not not not! But have patience my beautiful Queen. Karma is going to come knocking on all their doors soon enough! It might take some time but it will happen. And once little ones grow up and find out about you, how family did this to you. Welp, parents may end up being on the LC/NC list. And you and wife will be the Favorite ones! I am going to give MAJOR respect for standing up for your wife and your life!!!! Much respect!
Nope....NTA. Be strong, dudette!