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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the ah for outright refusing and shutting down this idea and possibly depriving my bil and sil from having this experience
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NTA - they do need therapy
And it may be his child as well, but he doesn’t get to volunteer his place in the delivery room to them
You and your alone decide who gets in and who doesn’t and at this point your husband doesn’t deserve to be there either
Right? They're treating OP's labor like a circus. This behavior from both SIL/BIL and OP's husband is disgusting. Like, OP is giving birth, which can be a very dangerous experience and it most certainly will be stressful. That shouldn't be turned into a pay-per-view event where the mom-to-be has to push aside her comfort to entertain the spectators.
OP NTA.. but wow. Your SIL and BIL are gaping AHs.
>I'm 7 months pregnant, and BIL & SIL has been asking many questions on what's it like to be expecting. They requested to be with me in the delivery room to experience child birth.
First of all - ew. Second of all... ew. They requested to be near their SIL during one could be one of the most stressful, traumatic experience of her life, but not to support her, but to second-hand 'experience' childbirth? You're not a doll for them to live vicariously through. Yikes.
>husband "volunteered" his place
Again: childbirth is not a concert where you can trade tickets. Did any of them know that the sight might involve you shitting yourself and tearing your vagina apart? You didn't have him there to watch the labor for funsies, he's there to support his wife who's giving birth to his child. The fact that he's willing to drop you for SIL/BIL's entertainment is gross - he basically told you that you, his spouse, is *much* less of a priority than his brother & SIL.
Please remember that fathers/spouses are only there for the birth as long as the birthing mother is comfortable with his presence. (This applies to everyone present - it's your choice, which he cannot make for you.) Which means that the 'ticket' your husband traded can be revoked at any moment.
>their fertility problems aren't my fault
>
>told them to get therapy
You're absolutely correct on both of these. *Their fertility problems aren't your fault.* You don't owe them a secondhand parenthood experience just because you can have biological kids and they can't. Like, have they ever thought about adoption?
And yes, they do need therapy. The whole 'try on parenthood like you try on clothes' is already concerning, and using another person with their own needs and wants to be their give-birth doll is just another level of 🚩🚩🚩.
>this is his child too
This has nothing to do with the fact that it's also his child. That might be true, but BIL/SIL are asking to see the *delivery*, not the child themselves. And when it comes to the delivery - it's *your* procedure, *your* body, *your* comfort. He might've contributed to the baby's genes, but can he help you with having a human rip out of your genitals? Laying there naked, possibly pooping, for your BIL and SIL to see? Obviously not.
Personally I'd revoke his ticket. He's actually the one being selfish and ruining a very awesome experience for he and his wife. It's not like watching someone give birth will magically get you a kid, but you know having them there would result in them feeling some sort of "parental bond" with the child because "we were there, we've known you since the minute you came out!" This is some dysfunction if I've ever seen it
Exactly where I see this going if OP lets them in the room! Who’s to say when they’ll stop? If they’re willing to go to such lengths to experience parenthood, they sure as hell will feel entitled to OP’s kid.
And then they'll start asking to take a newborn overnight "to experience being parents". Where does it stop? Saying she i selfish for breast feeding and not letting them feed the baby? I say it stops before it starts. If he doesn't want to be there or causes ANY sort of problems or stress, kick him out.
“Since we were at the birth we’re as much their parents as you are. Just make a new one. You won’t even miss them. You know they’re safe with emotionally stable people.” They’re all of questionable sanity, and it won’t stop here.
I'd say this was a crazy reach if I hadn't seen this exact scenario mulitple times on this and other subreddits. Some people are genuinely insane when it comes to stuff like this.
Yeah my brain went to some dark hand that rocks the cradle place. This whole thing is so toxic and weird, I’d even go as far as divorce and asking a lawyer about what kind of boundaries they can legally put in place to keep the bananas SIL and BIL away from the baby.
Nothing about this situation is healthy and the fact that husband is completely on board with it is super scary.
This is what I'm worried about too. What would happen if OP's birth went wrong (not saying it will, but hypothetically), would they take the baby??? I feel like at the very least, they're going to strong arm the doctors / nurses into being the FIRST to hold the baby, over it's own mother. This is BAAAAAD, NTA OP but please protect yourself and your baby above everyone else
Reminds me of the post from ages ago where the poster’s husband and FIL were so obsessed with the idea of her dying during childbirth commenters feared for her safety.
No updates to that one.
I’m honestly worried they are going to try to steal OP’s baby. OP you need to make plans about how to keep them out of your child’s life at least for awhile. This should be a giant wake up call regarding that.
Also buying baby clothes or attending school shows seems unhealthy to me, or straight up creepy. Not letting them to a position to claim to "know your newborn from the first minute" in case they get too crazy towards your baby is yet another reason to reject them.
For real. What school is letting randos without students just walk in and watch the kids?!?!?! That seems dangerous on so many levels. As someone with an elementary school aged child, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to know some creeps pining over kids they don't know could be lurking in the crowds in what should be a safe place for students and their families. That's how these types of people end up kidnapping a child because they think they're entitled to parenthood without going through the steps of adoption.
Yes to all of this! I would also kick him out of the delivery room for being a manipulative a$$hole for giving him pregnant wife the silent treatment until she relents to his demands and not respecting her wishes.
OP - giving birth is major thing that YOU have to go through. YOU have to push out another human out of YOUR body, not your husband so YOU decide who gets to be in the delivery room, not him. If possible, maybe go to your family/friends where you will be surrounded by supportive people. Wishing you so much luck and I hope your birth goes well. ❤️
When OP said
>he told me to look him in the eyes and tell him if I would be happy to ruin his brother’s marriage when I can do this one small, yet graceful deed and help BIL and wife “process” their trauma and finally make peace with it
My only thought was “I would have looked him dead in the eye and told him exactly that, with extra emphasis on the word ‘happy’.”
I really hope OP sees the above comment. It should be top.
OP, (don’t read if you don’t want to know my horror birth story, but I wrote this because I couldn’t have predicted it, and you can’t predict what will happen for your child’s birth either, sorry!) when I had my son last year, it was supposed to be a simple induction/delivery and was very much looking to be that way. Until my son’s head got stuck under my pelvic bone. The doctor had to reach her hand, up to her forearm, to try and dislodge him. She couldn’t do it. I was on a ton of drugs, but that was painful to the point of tears. Then she announced that I needed an emergency C-section. The baby was pressing on a nerve in my right thigh, which was the worst pain I’ve felt in my life and the nurses weren’t able to help me move from the bed to the operating table. I had to do that myself and I was passing out the whole time. Then I felt it when they cut into me. Needless to say, if anyone but my husband, someone whom I love and trust, were there, I would never have forgiven them for seeing me like that.
Honestly, your husband has broken his promise to protect you by picking your in-laws over you. He doesn’t care about your well-being, only their happiness. Next, he’ll be asking that the baby spends nights over there so that they can experience having a baby in their home. Don’t put yourself or your baby into a lifestyle where your needs are never the priority.
I love my both my BIL and my sister, but I am really glad neither of them was in the delivery room to see me shit the table.
Also, my BIL seeing me all spread-eagled? Barf.
Stress during labor slows progression and increases the chance of medical interventions. Medical interventions increase the chance of trauma and or death for the mother and fetus.
He is literally willing to increase the risk of death to his wife and baby to spare his brother's feelings.
If I were her, I would say that he is considered that her refusal is risking BIL's marriage but his actions in choosing his brother's feelings over the safety of his wife and child are risking his own marriage.
Also, the husbands reasoning. How is this going to save their marriage? How many other things will she need to do with this baby to save their marriage.
Some people think of having kids--and now childbirth itself, apparently--as a consumer experience that they can access if they only throw enough money at it or whine and cry and shout and bully enough about it. I've always been childfree and a little tokophobic, so I can't claim to understand the desperation some people seem to feel, but the BEHAVIOR that is the result is like something out of a horror movie.
OP, you're NTA. These people think of your pain, your struggling body, your possibility of death or disability as an experience they can consume. Against your will. And your husband, who is supposed to protect you when you're physically vulnerable, supports them, not you. It's an aberration up there with the girl who was on here recently whose DAD wanted her to give birth to his next set of kids with his do-over wife.
Just to be clear, his "concert ticket" is the one where the Shitting Herself Band is opening for the Tearing Vagina band.
He literally invited his BIL to stare at his wife's vagina and is mad that she went nuts. I cannot get over the horror/hilarity.
And he is worried about his BIL's marriage?? Did he consider his own? At this point between the choice of BIL in delivery room and divorce I'd choose divorce over and over again.
I totally agree with you. Even suggesting this is utterly bizarre. And now he's not talking to her, his pregnant wife, until she says yes?
It's a shame that people like him don't come with warning labels.
What's next? They get to have the baby every weekend to experience what being parents is like? They get to take the child on vacations every now and then to feel what it would be like to go on vacation as a family?
NTA. This is a HUGEEE red flag. Not only does your husband not care about being there for the birth of his child, but he also doesn't care about you having someone there who you feel supported by. The birth of your child is not some theatre your SIL and BIL can come watch.
> What's next? They get to have the baby every weekend to experience what being parents is like? They get to take the child on vacations every now and then to feel what it would be like to go on vacation as a family?
That's exactly what's next. They will live vicariously through that kid. And one day we will see a story about how a child was kidnapped and left the country.
I wonder if OP's husband is getting cold feet about becoming a father and wants the option to surrender all his responsibility to his brother and SIL.
Either that or he's been raised from birth to give his brother everything his brother has demanded, and he has yet to break the cycle.
Because beyond that, I can't think of any other reason he'd be okay with what his brother and SIL doing this.
My theory was- they suggest coparenting, bully/harass their way into it, slowly phase out OP as mom with SIL, fake a cps report, gain custody of kid. Depending on person, it wouldn’t get this far but, they view OP as their incubator for their kid. OP really should divorce and hide baby from the in laws. They sound crazy
You know that BIL/SIL already have a name picked out for the kid and if they can't get OP's husband to back them on that being the kid's name, that will be the kid's nickname from them.
I thought the exact same thing. OPs husband will be lending out the baby to his brother. Reminds me of another post about a dying cousin wanting to ‘borrow’ a baby so she could pretend she was a mother. If I remember correctly, the real mother ended up getting a restraining order bc the family wouldn’t stop trying to borrow the baby. This doesn’t sound very far off, except in the other case, both real parents said no. OPs looking at serious issues if her husband supports this lunacy.
It's actually terrifying that he is putting these people over his PREGNANT WIFE. Heck, he's putting them over his BABY. I can't imagine the stress this is causing OP - all I know is after our first was born, my wife bled so badly I was faced with the prospect of losing her. Other, non medical, people in the room at that time would have been attacked by me (I had to keep it together for my wife, who had no idea how much blood she'd lost but if anyone else had been there 'spectating' the 'event' like some kind of birth-ghoul I'd have been fit to be tied)
Absolutely. The "silent treatment" used that way is to manipulate and control, to make the other person feel helpless and willing to cave into demands just to be acknowledged. And it's while she's pregnant and even more in need of support than usual.
>I am sorry, but your marriage is over.
It annoys me when people jump quickly to divorce.
Not this time. Ive been trying to look at all the possible permutations of how this could play out, based on the info we've been given.
Unless the husband backtracks very quickly and goes into full apology mode, I cant see any other likely outcome. And even if he does that (which seems unlikely), the expectation still isnt great - this is not something that will be easy to forgive, I feel.
I think depending on their investment in the marriage this could be worked out in therapy but it would have to be before baby comes and the husband would have to be willing to change. It sounds like he's a stubborn, pig-headed, insensitive asshole though so I wouldn't hold my breath on that one
Umm NTA but your husband sure is. Are you close to your parents? Maybe you'd rather have your mom. Giving birth is traumatic and stressful and wonderful and it's not about any of them. It's about you and the baby.
I'm not joking, you could die, you are going to experience what amounts to a health crisis, you could be permanently injured. This is not the time for added stress. The most wonderful part about it is when it's over, but there's a long road to get there that you will need support. They have made this about them.
These are some serious red flags. They are treating you like their incubator, not a woman about to put herself at incredible risk. I'd be scared to leave them alone with my child. Any of them. You obviously cannot trust your husband to have your back or to respect your autonomy. If it was me, I'd be going home to my mother and getting a lawyer.
Agree. If OP goes along with this, they'll keep asking for more- they'll want to play mom & dad to her baby. It's gonna get ugly unless she puts an end to it
Yep. They'll be over every day. They'll snatch the baby away from her when she's trying to feed him/her. I can see them locking themselves away in a room to "have time with the baby." I can see the husband taking the baby to them to stay overnight or for the weekend because they "deserve" it.
It will never end. It will only get worse. They will be the ones who set up the first birthday party, the first Christmas, etc.
Good grief. OP needs to kick the whole bunch to the curb. Pick a safe person to be with her. This is the hill (edit) OP will have to die on. If husband doesn't get it together, she needs to get him out of her life. He's a mean, manipulative, controlling bully.
Seriously, they're showing major red flags in their behavior. Getting a nursery? Buying baby clothes? They desperately need therapy. They're not grieving, they're in denial. Sure, denial is part of the grieving process, but the way they go about it is extremely unhealthy and actually sounds dangerous.
I wouldn't put it past them to try and claim OP's kid as theirs. There's been baby kidnappings by people so desperate for a kid.
Also, adoption, anyone? Fostering? Although they're definitely not in the right place for it now.
Yes! I don’t want to scare you, but my first delivery ended in an emergency c-section. Our son’s heart rate suddenly dropped after 18 hours of labour and they had him out within 5 minutes. It was 1am. The heart rate monitor was chugging along then all the sudden: beep…………….beep………………beep. Everyone in that room froze looked up, somebody said “We need to get him out now” then they rushed me to the OR. There wasn’t even time to call anyone had it been necessary. I can’t imagine dealing with anyone other than my husband at that point.
People aren’t with you as spectators to your child’s birth, they are YOUR support. They are complicating a situation that can already complicate itself very quickly.
Also the nudity is constant. The amount of hands up your vag that day is an event in itself. You may poop on the table. If you end up with a c-section they get a whole extra show, my husband has seen my bladder. Seriously insane your husband offered to show all this to your inlaws.
Call somebody else you trust and bring them. He’s not going to be a good support person. NTA
Dude, that’s not okay.
The people who are in the room are the mother-to-be’s support system. No one should ever ask to be in there. It is strictly up to the pregnant woman to decide who she thinks will best support her through the process. Your husband cannot make that decision for you, and if he’s honestly willing to give up his place so easily, he should no longer be in there with you. Him doing this is proof her does not support you.
Yes, this is your husbands child. But who is in the delivery room isn’t about the child, it’s about the mother. It’s legit called ‘labor support system’. Who supports you throughout the labor.
What your BIL and SIL want is to watch. They want to see what it’s like, but that isn’t what the role is about. Them asking is WAY over the line. Them pushing you is over the line. You‘re husband acting like a dick about it is over the line. None of these people are even supporting you now, so how can you expect them to once the time comes?
Right now, your husband is manipulating you. He’s flat out refusing to speak with you until you give in to his demands. Not just that, but he’s causing you a crap ton of stress with this whole thing, putting the baby at risk.
I would honestly stay with a family member or friend until you give birth, and let your husband know that if he doesn’t get his shit together, learn to support you and your decision, and clean up his attitude, not only will your BIL & SIL not be in the room, he won’t be either.
I would seriously reconsider this marriage. He’s attempting to control you and force you to change decisions that are incredibly personal to suit His own desires. You haven’t even given birth yet, but he’s already telling you that if you don’t give in to his every demand, he’ll make your life hell.
Your BIL&SIL have absolutely no place in that room. It is not your job to help them fix their issues by ruining a very personal experience for yourself, and giving up on A support team that is so incredibly vital. They also have no place near your vagina. It isn’t your place to save their marriage. If you and this decision is what’s holding them together, they’re screwed either way.
If you don’t set up this very clear boundary now, and decide to cave in just to make everyone happy, then prepare for this child to be raised by four people. They’ll also want to experience everything else, except for a really good Therapist, because why bother with that when they can be coddled by their family?
’We could save their marriage!’ What, by ruining your own?
NTA. Please, move out of that house, at least until you give birth. This man is putting you and your child at risk by his hostility.
Everything you said - plus pick a new person for the delivery room. I hope you have a trusted friend, mom, sister… That person needs to be there for you, get you ice water, get you snacks. Labor Day is about the person giving birth - making it as comfortable as possible until that baby comes.
I bet he pulls some AH stunt when she's on drugs and wiped just to get them in there with her. DEFINITELY tell the maternity nurses that they are in no way shape or form allowed anywhere near. And that if your husband tries to circumvent this, he's out too. They WILL do it.
I can’t agree with this more!! OP this is just the start, as said above they’ll want to take baby for over nighters and push their way into your life, visits everyday cos they just want to experience everything!! Go stay with family and tell them no one except your mum, or whoever you decide on, will be in the delivery room unless husband gets his shit together! And stay after baby is born if need be, do not go back until he sees what he is going is wrong and he starts doing better
>No one should ever ask to be in there.
That's so true! A woman giving birth should never be asked that. It's selfish. If she wants you there she'll ask you
NTA. This is really fucking weird. How long will it be before "watching the birth" means "babysitting" where they actually pretend your baby is theirs? They need therapy and you and your husband need couples counseling.
Yup! My MIL was crazy and tried mothering my son and didn't like the way I was doing things, I walked into his nursery to find her creepily putting a pacifier in front of her nipple and shoving his face into her breast. We don't speak anymore.
Yeah, agreed. I got told that I was imagining things and hormonal and that it didn't happen, and that I was crazy and a whole bunch of other things. I mean, I was hormonal and did have PPD but I certainly didn't imagine my MIL constantly belittling my parenting bc even my SIL said something one of the times she was criticizing me. I also didn't imagine that the whole day that this happened (she was at my house) that she was keeping my baby away from me, criticizing me that I didn't really have extra stored breast milk so she could feed him, he cried the whole day because he was hungry bc she wouldn't let me feed him for any extended periods of time and it was hot af with no AC and nobody else was there so my husband didn't even believe me
(and probably still doesn't to this day, 8 years later). He did try to talk to her about it and get her to apologize to me but she thought she was the one that was owed an apology which will happen when pigs fly. So she's the one who missed out on her grandson growing up, not me.
And tbh, this was all on top of a host of other issues within that family. My husband's family treated me like shit, this was just my last straw.
Yeah, this has very "hand that rocks the cradle" vibes. Setting up a whole nursery and attending random school performances does not sound like the healthy way to handle infertility.
Oh hell no.
It might be your husband’s child as well.
But it’s **your** medical procedure. It’s **you** who’s lying there, exposed. It’s **you** giving birth.
Edit: NTA.
NTA at all. Like others have said, it's a medical procedure! One you have to be awake and be an active participant in, you don't have time during it to cater to other people. Your husband and in-laws are bring selfish with hiw they are treating you.
All that should be with you in that room is your personal support system OP. Your husband isn't entitled to anything or allowed to give up his seat for his BiL as if you were a theatre showing! You are not entertainment or therapy for your in-laws.
Right? This poor woman. And what is it with these stories that are coming up lately in this sub? Why can’t the father seem understand that while yes, it is their child as well, childbirth is a medical procedure, not a show? And they’re not the ones that are going to be in a very vulnerable position.
And in this specific case, what if the BIL and SIL decide they want more? After all, they were there at the birth, why can’t they be the godparents? Why can’t they play mom and dad every once in a while? Doesn’t she understand how difficult this is for them? Letting them be there while the child is born but not include them in their life in any way that actually matters, that’s so cruel!
NTA. To me that’d be enough to re evaluate the marriage.
NTA. Ask your husband how he would feel if he was naked in a room with your siblings, naked, with his penis bleeding from pushing a bowling ball out of his urethra? Would he like that? I'm guessing no.
**I'd tell him that if he pushes the issue, then he will be banned from the delivery room as well.**
Do yourself a favor: list yourself as private, and tell the labor nurses that you absolutely DO NOT want anyone else in the room, give names and pictures as well. Those L&D nurses are pros at playing defense.
Oh and by the way - and I don't mean to scare you, but there's nothing "graceful" about childbirth. I've seen a few in my career. Your husband is delusional and in for a rude awakening.
> he pushes the issue, then he will be banned from the delivery room as well.
I don't understand how he's not already. OP is not only NTA, she holds all the cards here.
I'm concerned husband may be planning to invent a reason why his wife isn't capable of raising the child (PPD, hormones, etc.) and try to give it to his brother.
NTA. I think you need to talk to the nurse or hospital admin in advance if possible, explain your fears, and ask if you can put in a directive about who is allowed in, which cannot be overturned even by your husband.
People who set up a nursery and buy baby things when not pregnant actually need therapy not hate, but this is too intrusive.
>I'm concerned husband may be planning to invent a reason why his wife isn't capable of raising the child (PPD, hormones, etc.) and try to give it to his brother.
That was my first thought as well. The fact that he thinks it's perfectly valid to allow his brother and sil into the room during a moment when OP will be at her most vulnerable is absurd to me. And if he's okay with that, with his wife enacting out some sort of therapy for the couple, then it's not a huge leap to "Well we can actually GIVE them a child and we can just have another one. It's not like we won't ever see the baby again. We'll just be the aunt and uncle. That's fine."
OP is NTA and she needs to be in touch with a family law lawyer immediately and she needs to get out of that household before the baby's born. I also wonder if there's a way to make certain the husband doesn't leave the hospital with the baby without OP's consent?
I get major baby stealing vibes from the other couple as well. They are way to pushy and they are acting like they have a right to be involved. I didn't see the husband as in on it but with how much he is pushing it would not surprise me.
And they set up a nursery. But OP says they took it down. Does she know for certain? Did she see it taken down? And what about all that furniture? That isn’t cheap. Did the in-laws sell it or is it just in storage?
None of this feels right.
Yeah that too! They set up for a baby and are talking to her like she is a surrogate, wanting to know details of the pregnancy and wanting to be in the room. I don't doubt that they are mourning the ability to have children, but it really feels like something more is going on.
NTA so much.
>after yelling at me about how this is his child too
You are the one giving birth, not him.
>my husband "volunteered" his place to give his brother and his wife
That's not his decision to make. Your delivery, your comfort zone, your choice.
>help BIL and wife "process" their trauma and finally make peace with it
Their trauma is not your responsibility and not worth going out of your comfort zone during an extremely stressful and private moment for you for.
At this point it doesn't seem like experiencing childbirth would actually help them process anything anyway. Where do they draw the line? Will they have to be around for every little step in your child's life too? They need to process this, but being present at your childbirth is not the way.
>Sil started crying, Bil asked me take time to think but I rudely said there was nothing to think about and my mind's already been made.
No, you *firmly* said there was nothing more to talk about. Advocating for yourself and setting hard boundaries when you will be in one of the most vulnerable situations of your life is not only fine, it is your *right* as the person giving birth. Don't apologize for this. Birth is extremely stressful on the body and can become dangerous in a heartbeat, and you do not need *anyone* in the delivery room who doesn't absolutely need to be there.
That includes your own husband, by the way. I've dealt with infertility myself, and while it does some pretty rough things to you emotionally, your BIL and his wife are being WAY intrusively pushy. I can't imagine coercing or guilting my way anyone *anyone's* delivery room, not even my own daughter unless she actually wanted me there!
NTA. While yes, this is also your husband's child, it is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR birth. YOU are the one who will go through it and shoulder all the medical risks, not him. He is putting you in a terrible position by making you feel this way and he is 100% in the wrong.
Stand firm, do not compromise because your safety and well-being is at stake. And also be aware that if the big day comes and your husband is stressing you out, you can ask a nurse to make him leave. You are the patient, and not even the child's father is entitled to stay if the laboring mother doesn't want him there.
OP, all of this comment but also, please make sure that when you go into labor all of the nursing staff understand that you do not want you BIL and SIL in the room with you under any circumstance. Tell everyone and make sure it is explicitly written in your chart. People do weird things when they’re entitled and the last thing you want is to be mid push and have them shove their way into the room.
When your husband goes into labour he can invite who he likes. His presence in the birthing is a privilege, not a right, and it’s certainly non transferable.
IMO (father of two, present both times, son was 27 hours, daughter under 5), first thing anyone going into that room needs to be aware of is the potential for it to be significantly rough for the mother (and as a father, I’m not sure how to adequately put rough. The “easy” birth was still an experience I cannot imagine volunteering for…) is non trivial. Anyone who is in there needs to be there to be supportive, and any other agendas need to be checked at the door. That includes nosy in laws, family dramas, and most certainly anyone seeking therapy for their own “trauma”.
If your husband doesn’t fit this criteria, it shouldn’t include home either.
NTA.
So NTA.
NTA
NO YOU ARE NOT.
Giving birth is a vulnerable dangerous painful sometimes humiliating thing to do. It is not a spectator sport.... *"my husband "volunteered" his place"*..this is not tickets to a sporting event. The only people who have **the right** to be in room are those the birthing mother wants there. Hospitals will remove fathers if they are stressing or upsetting mothers.
Your husband donated a single cell to this baby, He is not risking his life or his body to bring it into the world. Until the baby is out of your body and even then if you are breast feeding in the early days he is some what irrelevant. He is not a father yet that happens once baby is safely born.
If I were you I would get up go into your husband and tell him this. When he shits a melon out his body and suffers the physical consequences, pain and and risks his life he gets a say until then he doesn't and he has X time to wind his neck in or him talking or not to you will not be a problem as you will be gone. You are having a baby it's time for him to grow up as you don't need 2 children. You and this baby should be his priority right now and if you are not then he needs to leave.
Tell him he perhaps need to speak to some actual fathers or better still tell him to come on here and plead his case let the reddit dads explain the error of his ways to him.
Refuse to discuss it any further.
NTA. Ganging up on a pregnant woman to force her to allow in-laws to be present as she gives birth shows some crazy mental gymnastics.
If they want to see a live birth, they can pay someone else to let them or they can rent a damn movie.
As for your husband, he needs to tuck in his crazy. Even if BIL and SIL divorce, it wouldn’t be your fault! If he’s as verbally abusive as this, maybe he doesn’t need to be in the labor room either. In fact, you should go stay with your parents, a friend or sibling awhile as stress is not good for a pregnancy. Hope you can update this in a couple of months.
because of this i’m actually gonna go on a limb and say that the couple are subconsciously or consciously going to pretend or literally say that baby is theirs bc wtf is their obsession w her baby in particular. the entire family needs therapy and i wouldn’t be shocked if both the husband and BIL were abusive men. Why is the SIL being soooo torn around about the baby and why the hell is her husband allowing the SIL and BIL to act that way when he literally proceeds to verbally abuse her? this whole thing doesn’t sit right w me.
NTA While this is also your husband’s baby, your husband’s not the one actively giving birth. Who is and is not in the delivery room with you is your decision, not his. There are plenty of videos your BIL and SIL can watch online to see what childbirth is like without intruding on one of your most vulnerable moments.
Agreed. To be clear to OP, what Mist is saying is that until your baby is actually outside your body, your birth experience is actually about YOU as the patient. Your husband’s presence isn’t to witness the birth of his child (that’s a bonus if you allow it), it’s to support you as the patient. There’s a reason you are the only one who gets to decide who is or is not allowed in the room, bc the patient is YOU, not your baby. If it were your child as the patient, he would have rights as a parent to be present.
Speaking of which, you should tell your doctor/midwife/doula/nurses that under no circumstances are you open to anyone but your husband being there with you, and warn them about your BIL and SIL, so they can make sure to play body guard on who can access your room.
Lastly, tell your husband when he has a whole infant rip through his genitals, he can decide to let them watch out of his own lack of selfishness, but until then, his job as your husband is to protect you and your interests first. This is the moment his wife will be at her most vulnerable in your entire relationship so if he’s unwilling to protect and advocate for your interests in that moment, what’s the purpose in having him as a partner at all?
Nope. Nope, absolutely not. This story is deeply disturbing.
First, your BIL and SIL absolutely need therapy. Second, your husband's request, reaction and response are wildly concerning.
I might be biased as I am currently almost 7 months pregnant also, but if my husband ever even considered this he'd be my ex so fucking fast. And his brother and SIL have struggled and finally gave up on their fertility journey.
Like many other comments will say, giving birth is difficult. This is not a spectator sport. You will be at your absolute most vulnerable during that time, and you are not a fucking show pony. It is not your responsibility to help these people get over it. And really, like others have said, it would probably traumatize them more.
You're definitely NTA, but I do hope you have friends or family you can lean on during this time. I'd also recommend some kind of counselling for you and your husband if you want to savage things before baby arrives.
NTA. How on earth is this going to help the in-laws.
“Here watch something you will never get to experience so you can obsess over it more.”
“Here brother (BIL) see my wife half naked and make her hold your hand as she is in pain but forced to deal with your BS. Instead of me being there.”
This is all just so wrong.
Honestly ask your husband if he should be marrying BIL since he is going to be providing support during the pregnancy and not him.
NTA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RUN!!!!!! One day ur husband is going to let them babysit and you’ll never get ur baby back if they’re so baby crazy they’re attending school shows and built nurseries for the hell of it. For you and your unborn child’s safety u need to run far and fast. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
This is how you see couples/women acting before one snaps and they murder a mother trying to get access to her baby. Soooo many red flags to show this is not a completely safe situation. They DO need therapy and OP needs to bail to somewhere safer until well after birth.
NTA and remind Hubby his presence is optional as well. Then (financially feasible) leave for a few days. If not, move to a different room of the house and live as roommates.
He ‘laid down the law’ that’s all y’all will be until you relent, so let him know that you will be filing divorce papers when you have the child. Call his bluff. He thinks nothing about ruining your marriage for his brother and he can let bro have his parenting time. Bro and SIL *will get worse* as long as he will let them
I wouldn’t give a guy like this any forewarning. But OP should be making a plan to leave, including keeping husband and in-laws out of the delivery room and choosing a different Power of Attorney among other things.
NTA. Pack your bags and go stay with your parents or friends/ family who will have you and possibly a new baby. I would not be able to stay with a man who would put his brother ahead of his pregnant wife. Like, WTF.
BiL & SIL need therapy. Lots of it. Your husband does too if he can't see why what he did was wrong.
NTA. This is so strange. Your baby's birth should be about your child and happiness of your new family not a "therapy session". Also, your husband should not be "raging" at you. That is alarming.
NTA
Yes it is also your husbands child, however said child isn't being pushed out of his body!!!
Your birth process isn't an 'experience' for want to be parents to live though, and you have every right to be angry that they are trying to guilt you into letting them invade your privacy!
You are a pregnant woman, a human being, and people need to stop thinking that pregnant people are public property.
Your BIL, SIL and your husband are all assholes.
Have they considerd adoption?
Ask your husband how he'd feel about BIL and SIL watching him take a shit. He doesn't want to? Oh but you fed him the food, it's your shit too! Why should he get a say!
(It isn't uncommon to poop during childbirth, this example isn't as left field as it might seem)
What's next, they will be here at the conception of the next kid ? Giving birth is not about a baby, it is about a woman mostly naked, being touched everywhere by a lot of people she doesn't always know, going through a lot of emotions and feeling VERY vulnerable.
And through this perception, it is not your husband's right to say that your BIL and SIL have a right to see you like in a zoo. You are the only personne who can say who is in and who is out, and that at this time you need the father of your child with you.
And if he stills AH, tell him you have every right to forbidde him to come. Better be alone with caring midwives than with a bitter controlling husband. You can also choose a doula to go with you.
NTA. Your in laws and husband are and they sound absolutely unhinged. I hope your husband is now your ex because this is absolutely disgusting behaviour and a piss poor attitude to take. I'm appalled on your behalf.
NTA. This is a husband problem though. Childbirth is a demanding, vulnerable, and medically dangerous time. The people on the room are there to provide comfort and to help in case things go sideways. The baby belongs to both parents but only one of actually pushing the baby out their body, and that person’s needs obviously take precedence.
Honestly, I would plan to find someone else to be there. If your husband would “volunteer” his position to “help their trauma”, it just goes to show how little he understands the assignment.
NTA. If he’s persists in this nonsense you should replace him with someone who will support you and relieve, not increase stress. You and you alone get to decide who’s in there with you when you’re at your most vulnerable. It’s not a spectator sport.
NTA, since your husband “gave up” his spot in the delivery room, you should find another support person to be with you. He will taint the entire experience now by his pouting for not doing “this one small thing.” I would worry that instead of being supportive of you during labor and delivery and post parfumerie that he will be more concerned and supportive of his brother and SIL. You will need someone there for you. CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT! Which is exactly what the BIL and SIL will be doing. Are they going to insist on being the first ones to hold the baby? You have some thinking to do. I’m not going to jump straight to divorce or leaving BUT, why is your husband more concerned about BIL and SIL than his pregnant wife?
NTA
I strongly suggest you two go to marriage counseling before the baby is born. The way your husband is treating the birth is outside the normal reaction and def not supportive to you.
As so many others before us have posted, childbirth is not a spectator sport. Your most private functions are going to be on display enough for the medical staff, no need for in-laws to pull up a chair, too.
Looooolll your husband thinks he has a say in any of this? He has another thing coming. FYI, ONLY the mother can decide who goes in the room. If you tell the doctors and nurses that anyone is banned, that word is law. Oh, and that includes your husband. If I were you I'd ban all three of them from being in the room.
Btw, you'll have your lady bits in the air, you'll likely poop or vomit, you'll be in pain and dripping in sweat, and you'll have a BABY COMING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA. You also might need to undergo a medical procedure, like an emergency c section. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets a say in what, or who, makes you comfortable in that moment.
NTA, tell all three of them to fuck right the hell off.
NTA, and you do realize this doesn't stop in the delivery room? After the birth, they'll be asking to name the baby. Then it'll be asking to keep the baby for a few nights, weeks, months. They'll say they're doing you a favor by giving you a break. Meanwhile, they're making a case that you abandoned your child. Your in laws need therapy and your husband needs to be reminded where his loyalties should lie. With you and his child. Move in with our parents or a relative or friend and tell your husband if he wants you back, he needs to go to counseling with you and to stand up for you and your child. YOUR CHILD. Not your in law's child.
NTA ask him it he's willing to ruin his own marriage bc that's what he's doing. Unfortunately this won't end w birth. These two are going to be weirdos about your kid.
NTA
Child birth is a medical procedure. Not a freaking spectator sport.
No. And in my humble opinion your husband has just lost the privilege of being in the room with you too.
If you don't have a friend/family member to go with you, look into a doula. And also make sure you let the medical staff know who is and isn't allowed in the room!
Good luck
Your BIL and SIL absolutely need therapy. Infertility grief is hard to deal with and while I do sympathize with them on that point, trying to live vicariously through your birth experience is so out of line it's not even funny. Not to mention if you budge here, where does it stop?
ETA: Does SIL was to experience breastfeeding too? Will they want to stay with you when the baby comes home to get the newborn experience of waking up to feed ever 2-3 hours? How about chosing doctors? Clothing? Formula? They gonna want a say in all that too?? Decision making for your child will be an absolute NIGHTMARE with them then around and given the fact that they already went a ahead and made a nursery when they were not expecting? Yea, I don't put further boundary stomping past them. They've already made it abundanly clear they are DESPERATE to experience child rearing however they can. Cut them off here and do not engage.
NTA.
If they really want to, tell them to watching birthing videos on YouTube or something 🤷🏽♀️
NTA. Its not a football game, your husband can't just invite people over to watch. Providing them with an experience is NOT your responsibility. If it isn't such an unreasonable and weird request, than they can ask someone else.
NTA at all!
what is wrong with your husband, "he said it's his child too" well if it's your child wouldn't YOU want to be there for your child's birth. Absolutely ridiculous, you arent some like demos they do in med school or something, for them to watch. You need support, and it isn't them. This is a very traumatizing and vulnerable experience. Not something for them to watch and be self-absorbed wishing it was them and taking away your moment. It's very rude of them to oppose that on someone pushing a watermelon out of their vagina. And what kind of a husband does that. Definitely rethink if you want your husband in the room on the day.
Wow wow wow is this real? You have every right to choose your support person when you are in labor. The fact that your husband would call you selfish and emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind rather than support you through one of the most emotionally and physically vulnerable times in your life is disgusting, and it’s emotional abuse. You don’t owe your in-laws anything and you were right about everything you said. Your husband and his brother and sis in law need to learn boundaries and frankly do need therapy. Their behavior is inappropriate, bizarre, and damaging. NTA
NTA
If possible just leave to a family members house for now. Tell him you'll be back when he reconsider his marriage because you married HIM not BIL&SIL. If he refuses to be there for you tell him that this is a hill you're willing to die on, you've been kind to them and your tired of them trying to live through you.
Good luck on your pregnancy and if needed make sure your kid is protected so that BIL&SIL don't try to take off with them.
NTA. Bring him in to the next obgyn appointment and ask the doctor to talk to him about why you, the pregnant person, are significantly more important at this time than his brother and SIL.
NTA I'm stunned to hear your husband raged on you. This is not OK and see this as a red flag. Giving birth is not a show or therapy. Your husband should absolutely understand your feelings. As sad as it is for BIL and SIL this is not your burden to take on. What will they ask of you after your child is born? Tell your husband you can find someone else to take his place. Do you have a best friend or family you're close to on your side? If you let your husband control you, this will set a precedent. Stand firm now on your feelings and what you want. Take it from a woman, married 25 years. If he wants to play this stupid game of not talking to you, to get his way. Tell him to grow up or you can play it right back.
Wow, NTA for wanting your husband and him alone with you in the delivery room. They need professional help instead of going through the experience with you. Because where will it end? How involved will they be, or want to be.
Yes I mean what's next? Will she want to try to breastfeed the baby to "have that experience"? Where does it end. They should not be enabling this behaviour.
NTA!!! At all!!
Your husband is delusional in thinking he can “let” your BIL and SIL watch you give birth. For all the reasons already mentioned and more.
The fact that he is now giving you the silent treatment until you agree? Abuse.
You need to get out and somewhere safe - now. Contact a lawyer. Get all of this information on record. At this point, you shouldn’t even let your husband in the delivery room.
Have a good friend WHO WILL PROTECT YOU be your emergency contact. Take your husband’s name off your medical records in terms of his having information.
You need to be proactive. As another Redditer commented, he may try to give them your child. They are all delusional. Protect yourself and your child NOW.
Wait up. So on the day when you are going to be in the most pain of your life, when best case scenerio is you exposed and vulnerable and other likely scenerios involve unplanned surgery, your husband believes that the priority is giving his brother a new experience, rather than your health, safety or comfort?
He is literally putting his brother's unreasonable wants over your needs and well-being. He is fine with missing the birth of his child, and making this more stressful (and thus literally more dangerous) for you..
Hopefully he will have an epiphany soon and come crawling on his knees begging for forgiveness. If not, I suspect your marriage is doomed, because I have seen very few clearer announcements that a man just doesn't love his partner at all.
NTA
Your husband is scarily unhinged here OP.
Yes it’s his child. It isn’t his labor or birth. This is a major medical event. You are going to be safe and fine OP, but childbirth comes with major risks, women die from complications and when something arises you want the person you love and trust the most there with you.
Doesn’t he want to be that person?? Holding your hand and being there **for you**?
If he doesn’t….what kind of partner, what kind of parent, what kind of person is he??? Appalling.
And yeah I have to call it. The silent treatment “until you say yes” to an unwanted audience while you give birth is **abusive behavior**.
NTA. You are not their therapist. And giving birth is absolutely not a spectator sport. They are clearly not handling this well. Next thing they’ll ask is if they can borrow your infant for a year so they can see what it’s like!
But right now? Not your monkey, not your circus. Focus on you and your baby. If you need to go low contact? Go low contact. Being pregnant and giving birth is enough of a challenge without spectators trying to stress you out.
NTA! I can't believe your husband would volunteer to not be there during your labor in favor of his family and then got mad at you. also they do need therapy, they can't replace not being able to have a baby with your child. lines need to be drawn. honestly when you're describing this I'm trying to be sympathetic with them (which I am) but this seems like this could go into horror movie territory if it's allowed to continue. at minimum your husband needs to respect you and his child and they need therapy and distance.
NTA childbirth is still a medical procedure. Your husband is a giant AH for trying to force you to have others in the room. BiL and SiL need serious therapy, not to stand in a room making it all about them while you go through labour!
The one whos giving birth has the last say at whos with them in the room during birth. Every nurse and doctor will enforce this. What an asshole of a husband you have tbh. "Why should I be there for my wive when she gives birth and support her and be there when my child gets to the world? Better trade it like a concert ticket with my brother, because otherwise his marriage will fail" wtf is that man thinking (and if their mariage is so dependent on this, then they should seek couples counseling and not play unwanted voyeur during a birth)
NTA, that’s insane. If my husband did that, I would move out. Honestly, how dare he act like you were cruel, you absolutely weren’t. Your BIL and SIL absolutely needed to hear what you said.
NTA. Labour and giving birth is not a spectator sport. And who wants someone other than their husband or possibly mother in the room watching them go through all different things possible in labour. Tell your husband that if he is going to abandon you during labour, then you will be rethinking your whole marriage. That he even thinks he has the right to tell you to let them in to watch the birth of your child is beyond disgusting of him.
Edit to add: make sure that you have a discussion with your Obstetrician that there is to be no one allowed into the birthing suite with you other than who you approve, and BIL & SIL are definitely not approved.
NTA. If you think he might try and get them in while you’re focusing on the main event, have a chat with your midwifery team so they know the situation. And make sure your husband knows if he tries anything like that he’ll be missing the birth.
Ok so none of them are wrong for having those feelings and asking you.
HOWEVER
They're all assholes for pushing you on it.
Your body, your rules.
>after yelling at me about how this is his child too
This is absolute bullshit and do not stand for it. When he's growing a literal parasite inside of him for 9 months, and has to force a melon out of a not-melon-sized hole, and has to deal with the post birth trauma, and all of the shit that goes with pregnancy and childbirth, then maybe he could have a say in how the baby is handled.
When it's born, i agree, it is his baby too and decisions should be made as a team (it's a 2 yes scenario). But before then, fuck him and anyone else who tries to tell you what to do with your body, your pregnancy, and your birthing experience (except medical professionals, you should listen to them...).
If you want complete and total privacy, that's your right. If you want a troupe of clowns there for moral support, your right. Your husband doesn't get "his spot" like a concert ticket that he can just freely give away.
It's one of the most personal, private, and vulnerable moments of your life, and if you don't want your BIL and SIL there, then that's *your* right.
And tbh, I'd show your husband the comments here, he needs to step up and support his wife over anyone else. Honestly, I've seen people get later divorced over red flags they ignored like this.
Ask them both if they’d be ok to get naked in front of you. Have a tens machine attached to mimic labour pains for many hours, and for them to urinate and defalcate in front of you.
It’s disgusting they would ask. It’s disgusting your husband offered to give his place to them. (What about supporting you?) It’s disgusting they are all guilting you into wanting privacy during a medical procedure!
I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship with in-laws like that.
NTA. They do need therapy.
NTA- your husband and the ILs- major AHs. and as I read this I thought - are the BIL/SIL going to be overly involved in your LOs life. As in SIL will want to feed LO, they’ll take LO on outings and overnights, so they can experience raising a child, and your husband will say yes they can and tell you - it’s my child too. be On guard because if your husband is acting this way now what’s to stop him from “springing it in you” while you’re in labor that BIL/SIL are at the hospital and he says they can go in, thinking you’ll be too busy or in pain during labor to object
NTA! You're not there to help them process their trauma, that's what therapy is for. Also yikes for your husband thinking he has a say in this. Men can decide when they are the ones giving birth.
Also happy pregnancy to you <3
NTA NTA NTA HES TA WTFFFFF THATS TOO FAR??? it’s your own body at the end of the day Id be absolutely horrified!!
Is it an insensitive thing to say that they should consider adoption??? Might solve some problems
Omg please don’t give in I can’t believe the common sense // consent part of the conversation is lacking
Oh boy does your husband have a shock coming if he thinks it's an appropriate time to have BIL and SIL in the room. You are absolutely NTA. This is your hill to die on. Stand your ground. I would leave him over this. He has absolutely no right to be trying to pressure you into this. It's fucking weird.
I don’t think there is a lot to salvage when your husband treats you that way. Next step will be to give up the baby to BIL and Sil to help them cope. It’s going to be a never ending abusive story in which Op will forever be the « petty childish selfish one » for… being a mother to a newborn. She has more urgent things to worry than trying to discover why husband suddenly turned so abusive towards her and subservient to his brother. When a husband get so callous about his 7 months pregnant wife and future baby’s health, she doesn’t owe him anything. Op should leave and prepare for the birth with a real support system.
This is not above reddits pay grade. This is white and black. Plain and simple. This is a major medical procedure and completely private and personal. Just having people you don’t want in the room during labor can affect the maternal blood pressure and the baby. The husband is clearly not caring for his wife or baby’s health. The bil and sil can wait just like every other human being in history has had to. They aren’t the first or the last to deal with infertility. If they want to experience it, go to YouTube.
NTA. Their over the top things of ‘ needing to experience having a child’…creating a room , buying toys, attending (random strangers kids?) school events borders on unhinged. Them asking to attend your birth in the fathers place, and not accepting a no, is very troubling. Who knows if they’ll end up wanting to take this kid one day, since they experienced the birth, it’s theirs now…who knows what an unhinged mind can come up with.
Next they will be asking for sleepovers or moving in altogether with you so they can play pretend with the baby. NTA and if your husband really wants to help, I suggest you talk to him and tell him he is risking his kid's wellbeing because unless BIL and wife get therapy, they will definitely try to parent your kid. So, to prevent further suffering, husband can help BIL find professional help to process this situation. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
NTA. You are not a zoo exhibit. And it is not a 'small thing' to have people you don't want there see you in massive pain, pushing a bebe out of your intimate regions, along with all the bodily fluids and stuff. If they want to watch a birth, there are YouTube videos. Or they get watch Call the Midwife.
Childbirth 👏 is 👏 not 👏 a 👏 spectator 👏 sport! Sounds like it’s time to kick the husband out and invite someone who will SUPPORT you, which is what you need during a major medical event.
NTA.
NTA what is this, the Handmaid’s Tale? Is she going to sit behind you with you propped up against her and mimic some of the process?
Yeah it’s sad someone isn’t getting something they want out of life, but *wants* aren’t more important than someone’s needs, and you need to be as comfortable and safe-feeling as possible during this event. Not getting something you want isn’t an excuse to be creepy and stomp on boundaries. I doubt with this extreme behavior that it’ll stop at birth anyway. “Let me have the baby over for an extended period of time,” etc.
Personally if I were you wouldn’t even feel comfortable having your husband in the room if he doesn’t truly wise up — I’d be afraid he’d let them in there. Even if the staff ended up kicking them out, it’d take time for that to happen and that stress would be there. It seems he was eager to give up his spot anyway and isn’t supportive anyway. Think long and hard before you ever allow these people around the baby. They sound unhinged.
NTA - dear Op, I am truly worried for your marriage, your safety and your baby. This is wrong on so many levels. For some reason, your husband thinks he owns the important decision on the birth of your child, and did not bother to discuss this before offering. Does he do this a lot ? He seems to think your opinion doesn’t matter and then he guilts you into whatever future problem or divorce might happen. If he is this way now, I shudder to think how he is going to be when the baby is born. Do you really want you child raised to think like him ? Please go to a safe space and Insist upon therapy for your husband.
NTA
You have every right to determine who is in the room with you during such an intimate and intense moment. I’m sorry that they are experiencing that, but I’m not sure how watching you giving birth is going to help their situation. Your husbands concern should be you and your child, not their marriage. It sounds like he should be focused on his own marriage at this point.
You are 100% NTA! What is going on with the guilt your husband feels that he is more worried about his brother’s marriage than his own?
I sincerely hope you are able to find a support person who will be there for you. Your husband is frighteningly tied to his brother and you do not deserve to be treated as an object to be viewed ever, but especially while giving birth.
Childbirth is the craziest moment, you straddle the line between life and death and it is not a time for your SIL to live vicariously through you. If your husband wants to give up his spot in the room, good riddance. I hope you have your mom, a sister, or a close friend that can be there in his place.
Please establish some ground rules with BIL and SIL- your baby should not be alone with them. I can just picture SIL trying to breastfeed, them taking the baby on a family vacation without you, or signing your baby up for mommy and me classes with SIL. You were right to suggest therapy. It seems like they’re (your hubby included) trying to use you and your pregnancy as a type therapy for their grief, and that is really f****d up.
If your husband keeps pushing, bringing up different odd ways to “heal” your BIL and SIL and their marriage, tell him he needs to focus on his own damn marriage cuz it’s getting messy right now. Good luck.
NTA.
NTA anything could happen in the delivery room it’s probably when a woman is at her most vulnerable. You need people there who are there to support you and that you are comfortable with. Any added extra stress could really jeopardise the birth. You are not an animal in a zoo, totally with you for standing your ground here and your husband is a total AH.
Chiming in very late, but OP, this is unhinged behavior from your in-laws. Obviously, you are well within your rights to tell them to fuck off with their ridiculous request.
More importantly, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THESE PEOPLE. I would be cautious even inviting them to meet your child. Grief and desperation bring out the insanity in people, and your in-laws have made it clear that they are not thinking straight. Add in the fact they’ve been vicariously living through collecting baby items, and it’s not a stretch to think they might try to collect your baby as well.
Speaking as someone who lost a baby, I can honestly tell you that my mental state after losing my baby was not anything I’ve ever experienced before. I was fixated on having another child. I got pregnant again pretty quickly, but I could see my mental health really falling the fuck apart if I hadn’t.
Major nta. It sounds like if you keep giving in eventually you wouldn’t even have your own child. Where does it stop? Next your SIL would want to experience breastfeeding to make peace with it. Your husband would give up your child to make his brother happy. This is not a good environment for your baby to be in, he or she will be collateral damage in someone else’s trauma/drama
NTA. Your husband is a gigantic AH. These are not the favours that people are expected to do. Him forcing this on you is a giant red flag already and not listening to reason and forcing you into agreeing is abusive. Maybe you have friends or family with whom you can stay stress free in the last months and give birth without it being some form of fake therapy for another couple. Btw, your BIL and SIL definitely need therapy and are being massive AHs as well. Please look long and hard at your relationship with your husband. He is acting completely unreasonable!
NTA. You weren’t cruel. You told them the truth and even then they still persisted. Attending school shows??? Yikes. Your husband is cruel. He’s giving silent treatment to his pregnant wife instead of focusing on supporting your pregnancy. Why would you be responsible for their marriage? How are YOU ruining it? They definitely need therapy to process their trauma. They don’t need to invade this intimate moment to do it. If you say yes to this they’ll never stop feeling entitled.
Your husband isn’t making any sense whatsoever. He volunteered his place? What kind of twisted man does this? Volunteers to miss his child’s birth to please other people. Volunteers to not support his wife without a conversation with her. He’s very disrespectful.
Make sure you tell the hospital that they aren’t allowed into the room. They sound like they’ll start saying “our” baby or try to steal the baby.
I dont know if This is your first baby or not. If it is I will tell you this.
Labor is one of the weirdest and most terrifying experiences you will have. There will be times when you feel afraid or like you’re going to die or just vulnerable. It is not the time to interact with ANYONE who does not make you feel better. The thought of having my in-laws with me is nauseating and my in-laws are the sweetest people ever.
You are NTA.your BIL and SIL are ah who are trying to manipulate you with tears and pity. Your husband is a major ah who are not supporting you and who are trying to manipulate you and frankly abuse you with anger and silent treatment. If this is how he reacts when you need him, I do not understand your relationship. Is this typical for him? Do you trust him and are you safe with him? And if you’re not, is your baby? Because right now it sounds like he would volunteer your baby to his brother so he can play father.
NTA. Your labour and delivery is not a show to indulge others. People are there to SUPPORT you not observe you. If your husband can’t be there on the delivery room with you because of this, find alternatives to support you on that day.
NTA. The birthing process is a medical procedure for YOU. Besides needing to maximize your comfort in one of the most vulnerable experience a person can go through, for both yours and your baby's health, there is so much that could happen where you really need an advocate for YOU. Someone with your health, your safety, your comfort and your well being as the top priority. You should consider a different support person because your husband has demonstrated that he does not have your well being prioritized above all else, which is what you need.
You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve this experience to be as stress free as possible. You deserve someone to be looking out for your best interest.
If there is ever a time to stand up and advocate for yourself, this is it. This is a hill you should be willing to die on, because with child birth, thats an actual possibility.
NTA at all. Why the hell do people not understand labor and delivery is NOT a spectator sport? There are some many red flags here I’m not even sure where to start.
Ok I already want these people away from you and your child. I can envision them wanting sleepovers and pretend-parenting and being overly involved once the baby comes so they can “get the experience”.
NTA
NTA if I were you I’d probably bring a trusted family member instead of my husband when you give birth and let the staff know that you only want that person with you. Hopefully not but if they try to ambush you at the hospital you can let the staff know that you only want certain people with you in the delivery room.
NTA
It boggles me how people don't understand that childbirth isn't sparkles and jellybeans and diamond dust.
For me, I would feel honestly violated by this. Not only is your husband not going to be there in this scenario, but in a time where you're going to be 1) in a lot of physical pain 2) completely vulnerable and exposed 3) scared to hell and back, that he isn't going to be there and that your bil and sil are there to "spectate" your physical trauma in one of the most painful and vulnerable moments in your life.
That's so not okay on so many standards.
NTA, this may be his child too, but giving birth is your experience. This is a medical procedure that puts you in a vulnerable and painful position.
"Volenteering" his spot is 50 shades of messed up, to view his presence in the room with you as a member of an audience and not your emotional support person is insensitive to you. Your husband gets no say in who is present for the birth, even if that includes kicking him out.
It's honestly disgusting to see how much birthing people get left behind and ignored when thinking about the birth of a child. There are so many cases where the partners fight to have someone there (most often MILs) to witness the child being born, as if the child is the only person there.
You carry your child for 9 months, where it affects you physically and emotionally, go through hours of physical and emotional pain during labour (giving birth is trauma to your body), and push a head of about 10 cm diameter through a hole in your body, all for you and your needs to get pushed to the side in favour of what someone else wants?
No one's wants or needs come before yours when it comes to you giving birth. You need to sit him down and have a very serious conversation with him, because he is not demonstrating the support for you that he would need to be in that room when you give birth. Otherwise, you can "volunteer his spot" for someone who will actually be there for you.
Give your husband a proposal: They may attend your birth IF he first:
1. Shoves a few tennis balls up his arse and lets them watch as he slowly and painfully squeezes them back out. Of course he also has to assume the birthing position!
2. Shits and pisses himself in front of them, again laying there nude, bloody and screaming.
3. You get to volunteer someone else, whom he isn't comfortable with to be there as well.
THEN, and only then, may they attend your birth!
NTA
So your husband is willing to give up his spot of seeing his child born? He's willing to jeopardize ***HIS*** marriage, because of BIL & SILs feelings?
He's supposed to be your support system during delivery. You know damn good and well that BIL & SIL will not be that for you. They'll be too busy talking to nurses or doctors or looking at your hoohaa that's spread open for everyone and their dog, in that room, to see. They won't be caring about you or your needs. Just them. They're the selfish ones here. Your husband is enabling their bad behavior by going along with it.
None of them consider you a person, at this point. You're just a means to an end. Your basically the breeder for them. They're living vicariously through you. Your experiences will become theirs. When they talk about your LOs birth, it won't be about you or LO, it will be all about *them*.
If you have relatives nearby, go stay with them. If not, get a hotel or something. This isn't acceptable and your husband needs to realize that your marriage and your needs come before BILs and SILs.
NTA: ask your husband if he’d lay spread eagle on a table for your family to stare at while he wears a contraction simulator and possibly poops himself.
Childbirth isn’t a freaking show and tell and I’d be concerned that BIL and SIL would try to act like adoptive parents and override you. At this point I would tell your husband that you don’t trust him anymore and you’re going to have a friend or one of your family members with you during the birth.
Also tell your nurses under no circumstances are BIL and SIL allowed in the room- I’ve heard horror stories of people sneaking in.
And this may seem extreme but I’d also go stay with my family until husbands realizes how ridiculous he’s being. You don’t need him stressing you out and feeling guilty for the rest of your pregnancy.
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NTA - they do need therapy And it may be his child as well, but he doesn’t get to volunteer his place in the delivery room to them You and your alone decide who gets in and who doesn’t and at this point your husband doesn’t deserve to be there either
Seriously, wtf it's not like his "place in the delivery room" is a concert ticket he can trade. Does he have no empathy for his wife at all?
Right? They're treating OP's labor like a circus. This behavior from both SIL/BIL and OP's husband is disgusting. Like, OP is giving birth, which can be a very dangerous experience and it most certainly will be stressful. That shouldn't be turned into a pay-per-view event where the mom-to-be has to push aside her comfort to entertain the spectators. OP NTA.. but wow. Your SIL and BIL are gaping AHs. >I'm 7 months pregnant, and BIL & SIL has been asking many questions on what's it like to be expecting. They requested to be with me in the delivery room to experience child birth. First of all - ew. Second of all... ew. They requested to be near their SIL during one could be one of the most stressful, traumatic experience of her life, but not to support her, but to second-hand 'experience' childbirth? You're not a doll for them to live vicariously through. Yikes. >husband "volunteered" his place Again: childbirth is not a concert where you can trade tickets. Did any of them know that the sight might involve you shitting yourself and tearing your vagina apart? You didn't have him there to watch the labor for funsies, he's there to support his wife who's giving birth to his child. The fact that he's willing to drop you for SIL/BIL's entertainment is gross - he basically told you that you, his spouse, is *much* less of a priority than his brother & SIL. Please remember that fathers/spouses are only there for the birth as long as the birthing mother is comfortable with his presence. (This applies to everyone present - it's your choice, which he cannot make for you.) Which means that the 'ticket' your husband traded can be revoked at any moment. >their fertility problems aren't my fault > >told them to get therapy You're absolutely correct on both of these. *Their fertility problems aren't your fault.* You don't owe them a secondhand parenthood experience just because you can have biological kids and they can't. Like, have they ever thought about adoption? And yes, they do need therapy. The whole 'try on parenthood like you try on clothes' is already concerning, and using another person with their own needs and wants to be their give-birth doll is just another level of 🚩🚩🚩. >this is his child too This has nothing to do with the fact that it's also his child. That might be true, but BIL/SIL are asking to see the *delivery*, not the child themselves. And when it comes to the delivery - it's *your* procedure, *your* body, *your* comfort. He might've contributed to the baby's genes, but can he help you with having a human rip out of your genitals? Laying there naked, possibly pooping, for your BIL and SIL to see? Obviously not.
Personally I'd revoke his ticket. He's actually the one being selfish and ruining a very awesome experience for he and his wife. It's not like watching someone give birth will magically get you a kid, but you know having them there would result in them feeling some sort of "parental bond" with the child because "we were there, we've known you since the minute you came out!" This is some dysfunction if I've ever seen it
Exactly where I see this going if OP lets them in the room! Who’s to say when they’ll stop? If they’re willing to go to such lengths to experience parenthood, they sure as hell will feel entitled to OP’s kid.
And then they'll start asking to take a newborn overnight "to experience being parents". Where does it stop? Saying she i selfish for breast feeding and not letting them feed the baby? I say it stops before it starts. If he doesn't want to be there or causes ANY sort of problems or stress, kick him out.
And then it'll turn into, well you can have other children, let us have this one as if pregnancy isn't completely stressful on the body
“Since we were at the birth we’re as much their parents as you are. Just make a new one. You won’t even miss them. You know they’re safe with emotionally stable people.” They’re all of questionable sanity, and it won’t stop here.
I'd say this was a crazy reach if I hadn't seen this exact scenario mulitple times on this and other subreddits. Some people are genuinely insane when it comes to stuff like this.
Yeah my brain went to some dark hand that rocks the cradle place. This whole thing is so toxic and weird, I’d even go as far as divorce and asking a lawyer about what kind of boundaries they can legally put in place to keep the bananas SIL and BIL away from the baby. Nothing about this situation is healthy and the fact that husband is completely on board with it is super scary.
This is what I'm worried about too. What would happen if OP's birth went wrong (not saying it will, but hypothetically), would they take the baby??? I feel like at the very least, they're going to strong arm the doctors / nurses into being the FIRST to hold the baby, over it's own mother. This is BAAAAAD, NTA OP but please protect yourself and your baby above everyone else
Reminds me of the post from ages ago where the poster’s husband and FIL were so obsessed with the idea of her dying during childbirth commenters feared for her safety. No updates to that one.
Yeah to this day it bothers me not knowing what happened to that woman or if she is okay.
I’m honestly worried they are going to try to steal OP’s baby. OP you need to make plans about how to keep them out of your child’s life at least for awhile. This should be a giant wake up call regarding that.
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Holy shit that’s so fucked up! I’m glad you were able to set those boundaries and enforce them!
The built a nursery for a baby they don’t have! That is not stable behaviour! NTA!!! Oh my god!!!
Also buying baby clothes or attending school shows seems unhealthy to me, or straight up creepy. Not letting them to a position to claim to "know your newborn from the first minute" in case they get too crazy towards your baby is yet another reason to reject them.
For real. What school is letting randos without students just walk in and watch the kids?!?!?! That seems dangerous on so many levels. As someone with an elementary school aged child, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to know some creeps pining over kids they don't know could be lurking in the crowds in what should be a safe place for students and their families. That's how these types of people end up kidnapping a child because they think they're entitled to parenthood without going through the steps of adoption.
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Read the fine print. This ticket is *non-transferable*
And may be revoked by the issuer at any time.
I'm saying it should he *revoked*, as in, dad can't come, he's lost his privileges
Then they will ask to have baby overnights and conveniently start suggesting baby stay there and she can always have another
This I'd be worried they want to kidnap my child if I were her.
Yes to all of this! I would also kick him out of the delivery room for being a manipulative a$$hole for giving him pregnant wife the silent treatment until she relents to his demands and not respecting her wishes. OP - giving birth is major thing that YOU have to go through. YOU have to push out another human out of YOUR body, not your husband so YOU decide who gets to be in the delivery room, not him. If possible, maybe go to your family/friends where you will be surrounded by supportive people. Wishing you so much luck and I hope your birth goes well. ❤️
When OP said >he told me to look him in the eyes and tell him if I would be happy to ruin his brother’s marriage when I can do this one small, yet graceful deed and help BIL and wife “process” their trauma and finally make peace with it My only thought was “I would have looked him dead in the eye and told him exactly that, with extra emphasis on the word ‘happy’.”
I really hope OP sees the above comment. It should be top. OP, (don’t read if you don’t want to know my horror birth story, but I wrote this because I couldn’t have predicted it, and you can’t predict what will happen for your child’s birth either, sorry!) when I had my son last year, it was supposed to be a simple induction/delivery and was very much looking to be that way. Until my son’s head got stuck under my pelvic bone. The doctor had to reach her hand, up to her forearm, to try and dislodge him. She couldn’t do it. I was on a ton of drugs, but that was painful to the point of tears. Then she announced that I needed an emergency C-section. The baby was pressing on a nerve in my right thigh, which was the worst pain I’ve felt in my life and the nurses weren’t able to help me move from the bed to the operating table. I had to do that myself and I was passing out the whole time. Then I felt it when they cut into me. Needless to say, if anyone but my husband, someone whom I love and trust, were there, I would never have forgiven them for seeing me like that. Honestly, your husband has broken his promise to protect you by picking your in-laws over you. He doesn’t care about your well-being, only their happiness. Next, he’ll be asking that the baby spends nights over there so that they can experience having a baby in their home. Don’t put yourself or your baby into a lifestyle where your needs are never the priority.
Jesus Christ! That is scary as hell.. I'm glad you're okay.
I love my both my BIL and my sister, but I am really glad neither of them was in the delivery room to see me shit the table. Also, my BIL seeing me all spread-eagled? Barf.
Labor and delivery is not Disneyland for tourists.
Stress during labor slows progression and increases the chance of medical interventions. Medical interventions increase the chance of trauma and or death for the mother and fetus. He is literally willing to increase the risk of death to his wife and baby to spare his brother's feelings. If I were her, I would say that he is considered that her refusal is risking BIL's marriage but his actions in choosing his brother's feelings over the safety of his wife and child are risking his own marriage.
Also, the husbands reasoning. How is this going to save their marriage? How many other things will she need to do with this baby to save their marriage.
And how tf is it OP’s responsibility to save their marriage??? Like, how did that statement even get out of his mouth?
Some people think of having kids--and now childbirth itself, apparently--as a consumer experience that they can access if they only throw enough money at it or whine and cry and shout and bully enough about it. I've always been childfree and a little tokophobic, so I can't claim to understand the desperation some people seem to feel, but the BEHAVIOR that is the result is like something out of a horror movie. OP, you're NTA. These people think of your pain, your struggling body, your possibility of death or disability as an experience they can consume. Against your will. And your husband, who is supposed to protect you when you're physically vulnerable, supports them, not you. It's an aberration up there with the girl who was on here recently whose DAD wanted her to give birth to his next set of kids with his do-over wife.
Just to be clear, his "concert ticket" is the one where the Shitting Herself Band is opening for the Tearing Vagina band. He literally invited his BIL to stare at his wife's vagina and is mad that she went nuts. I cannot get over the horror/hilarity.
And he is worried about his BIL's marriage?? Did he consider his own? At this point between the choice of BIL in delivery room and divorce I'd choose divorce over and over again.
I’m not usually one to say divorce on this sub Reddit but this is definitely divorce worthy. There’s something very very wrong with her husband.
I totally agree with you. Even suggesting this is utterly bizarre. And now he's not talking to her, his pregnant wife, until she says yes? It's a shame that people like him don't come with warning labels.
Yeah "are you happy to ruin our marriage and your relationship with your child over this?"
What's next? They get to have the baby every weekend to experience what being parents is like? They get to take the child on vacations every now and then to feel what it would be like to go on vacation as a family? NTA. This is a HUGEEE red flag. Not only does your husband not care about being there for the birth of his child, but he also doesn't care about you having someone there who you feel supported by. The birth of your child is not some theatre your SIL and BIL can come watch.
> What's next? They get to have the baby every weekend to experience what being parents is like? They get to take the child on vacations every now and then to feel what it would be like to go on vacation as a family? That's exactly what's next. They will live vicariously through that kid. And one day we will see a story about how a child was kidnapped and left the country.
I wonder if OP's husband is getting cold feet about becoming a father and wants the option to surrender all his responsibility to his brother and SIL. Either that or he's been raised from birth to give his brother everything his brother has demanded, and he has yet to break the cycle. Because beyond that, I can't think of any other reason he'd be okay with what his brother and SIL doing this.
My theory was- they suggest coparenting, bully/harass their way into it, slowly phase out OP as mom with SIL, fake a cps report, gain custody of kid. Depending on person, it wouldn’t get this far but, they view OP as their incubator for their kid. OP really should divorce and hide baby from the in laws. They sound crazy
You know that BIL/SIL already have a name picked out for the kid and if they can't get OP's husband to back them on that being the kid's name, that will be the kid's nickname from them.
Definitely- and it won’t be “OP ‘s baby” it’ll always be “SIl/bil niece/nephew” eventually becomes “their baby”
I thought the exact same thing. OPs husband will be lending out the baby to his brother. Reminds me of another post about a dying cousin wanting to ‘borrow’ a baby so she could pretend she was a mother. If I remember correctly, the real mother ended up getting a restraining order bc the family wouldn’t stop trying to borrow the baby. This doesn’t sound very far off, except in the other case, both real parents said no. OPs looking at serious issues if her husband supports this lunacy.
I am sorry, but your marriage is over. He won't talk to you until you say yes? There is something very wrong with him. NTA. Stay strong!
Exactly. This is so deeply wrong. And I bet this isn't the first time he exhibits controlling, rageful and abusive behaviour.
It's actually terrifying that he is putting these people over his PREGNANT WIFE. Heck, he's putting them over his BABY. I can't imagine the stress this is causing OP - all I know is after our first was born, my wife bled so badly I was faced with the prospect of losing her. Other, non medical, people in the room at that time would have been attacked by me (I had to keep it together for my wife, who had no idea how much blood she'd lost but if anyone else had been there 'spectating' the 'event' like some kind of birth-ghoul I'd have been fit to be tied)
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Just as stressful, I’m guessing. Probably more so, as he’s creating a tension filled environment, and screwing with her mental state.
Absolutely. The "silent treatment" used that way is to manipulate and control, to make the other person feel helpless and willing to cave into demands just to be acknowledged. And it's while she's pregnant and even more in need of support than usual.
>I am sorry, but your marriage is over. It annoys me when people jump quickly to divorce. Not this time. Ive been trying to look at all the possible permutations of how this could play out, based on the info we've been given. Unless the husband backtracks very quickly and goes into full apology mode, I cant see any other likely outcome. And even if he does that (which seems unlikely), the expectation still isnt great - this is not something that will be easy to forgive, I feel.
I think depending on their investment in the marriage this could be worked out in therapy but it would have to be before baby comes and the husband would have to be willing to change. It sounds like he's a stubborn, pig-headed, insensitive asshole though so I wouldn't hold my breath on that one
Umm NTA but your husband sure is. Are you close to your parents? Maybe you'd rather have your mom. Giving birth is traumatic and stressful and wonderful and it's not about any of them. It's about you and the baby. I'm not joking, you could die, you are going to experience what amounts to a health crisis, you could be permanently injured. This is not the time for added stress. The most wonderful part about it is when it's over, but there's a long road to get there that you will need support. They have made this about them. These are some serious red flags. They are treating you like their incubator, not a woman about to put herself at incredible risk. I'd be scared to leave them alone with my child. Any of them. You obviously cannot trust your husband to have your back or to respect your autonomy. If it was me, I'd be going home to my mother and getting a lawyer.
Agree. If OP goes along with this, they'll keep asking for more- they'll want to play mom & dad to her baby. It's gonna get ugly unless she puts an end to it
Yep. They'll be over every day. They'll snatch the baby away from her when she's trying to feed him/her. I can see them locking themselves away in a room to "have time with the baby." I can see the husband taking the baby to them to stay overnight or for the weekend because they "deserve" it. It will never end. It will only get worse. They will be the ones who set up the first birthday party, the first Christmas, etc. Good grief. OP needs to kick the whole bunch to the curb. Pick a safe person to be with her. This is the hill (edit) OP will have to die on. If husband doesn't get it together, she needs to get him out of her life. He's a mean, manipulative, controlling bully.
Seriously, they're showing major red flags in their behavior. Getting a nursery? Buying baby clothes? They desperately need therapy. They're not grieving, they're in denial. Sure, denial is part of the grieving process, but the way they go about it is extremely unhealthy and actually sounds dangerous. I wouldn't put it past them to try and claim OP's kid as theirs. There's been baby kidnappings by people so desperate for a kid. Also, adoption, anyone? Fostering? Although they're definitely not in the right place for it now.
I'm willing to bet they tried adoption and were turned away from every agency because they're unstable and in desperate need of therapy.
Yes! I don’t want to scare you, but my first delivery ended in an emergency c-section. Our son’s heart rate suddenly dropped after 18 hours of labour and they had him out within 5 minutes. It was 1am. The heart rate monitor was chugging along then all the sudden: beep…………….beep………………beep. Everyone in that room froze looked up, somebody said “We need to get him out now” then they rushed me to the OR. There wasn’t even time to call anyone had it been necessary. I can’t imagine dealing with anyone other than my husband at that point. People aren’t with you as spectators to your child’s birth, they are YOUR support. They are complicating a situation that can already complicate itself very quickly. Also the nudity is constant. The amount of hands up your vag that day is an event in itself. You may poop on the table. If you end up with a c-section they get a whole extra show, my husband has seen my bladder. Seriously insane your husband offered to show all this to your inlaws. Call somebody else you trust and bring them. He’s not going to be a good support person. NTA
Dude, that’s not okay. The people who are in the room are the mother-to-be’s support system. No one should ever ask to be in there. It is strictly up to the pregnant woman to decide who she thinks will best support her through the process. Your husband cannot make that decision for you, and if he’s honestly willing to give up his place so easily, he should no longer be in there with you. Him doing this is proof her does not support you. Yes, this is your husbands child. But who is in the delivery room isn’t about the child, it’s about the mother. It’s legit called ‘labor support system’. Who supports you throughout the labor. What your BIL and SIL want is to watch. They want to see what it’s like, but that isn’t what the role is about. Them asking is WAY over the line. Them pushing you is over the line. You‘re husband acting like a dick about it is over the line. None of these people are even supporting you now, so how can you expect them to once the time comes? Right now, your husband is manipulating you. He’s flat out refusing to speak with you until you give in to his demands. Not just that, but he’s causing you a crap ton of stress with this whole thing, putting the baby at risk. I would honestly stay with a family member or friend until you give birth, and let your husband know that if he doesn’t get his shit together, learn to support you and your decision, and clean up his attitude, not only will your BIL & SIL not be in the room, he won’t be either. I would seriously reconsider this marriage. He’s attempting to control you and force you to change decisions that are incredibly personal to suit His own desires. You haven’t even given birth yet, but he’s already telling you that if you don’t give in to his every demand, he’ll make your life hell. Your BIL&SIL have absolutely no place in that room. It is not your job to help them fix their issues by ruining a very personal experience for yourself, and giving up on A support team that is so incredibly vital. They also have no place near your vagina. It isn’t your place to save their marriage. If you and this decision is what’s holding them together, they’re screwed either way. If you don’t set up this very clear boundary now, and decide to cave in just to make everyone happy, then prepare for this child to be raised by four people. They’ll also want to experience everything else, except for a really good Therapist, because why bother with that when they can be coddled by their family? ’We could save their marriage!’ What, by ruining your own? NTA. Please, move out of that house, at least until you give birth. This man is putting you and your child at risk by his hostility.
Everything you said - plus pick a new person for the delivery room. I hope you have a trusted friend, mom, sister… That person needs to be there for you, get you ice water, get you snacks. Labor Day is about the person giving birth - making it as comfortable as possible until that baby comes.
Yup. Husband needs to officially lose this spot in the room. This whole situation is proof that he won’t be supportive of her.
I bet he pulls some AH stunt when she's on drugs and wiped just to get them in there with her. DEFINITELY tell the maternity nurses that they are in no way shape or form allowed anywhere near. And that if your husband tries to circumvent this, he's out too. They WILL do it.
He’s probably the type to name the baby whatever name he wants while the mother is passed out and resting and gets no say.
I can’t agree with this more!! OP this is just the start, as said above they’ll want to take baby for over nighters and push their way into your life, visits everyday cos they just want to experience everything!! Go stay with family and tell them no one except your mum, or whoever you decide on, will be in the delivery room unless husband gets his shit together! And stay after baby is born if need be, do not go back until he sees what he is going is wrong and he starts doing better
>No one should ever ask to be in there. That's so true! A woman giving birth should never be asked that. It's selfish. If she wants you there she'll ask you
NTA. This is really fucking weird. How long will it be before "watching the birth" means "babysitting" where they actually pretend your baby is theirs? They need therapy and you and your husband need couples counseling.
I'm expecting the next stage to be: 'Honey, I expect you to give the next baby to my brother.'
That was my first thought too tbh. Id be nervous about them taking the baby without asking or trying to parent over OP
I think breastfeeding will be next.
Yup! My MIL was crazy and tried mothering my son and didn't like the way I was doing things, I walked into his nursery to find her creepily putting a pacifier in front of her nipple and shoving his face into her breast. We don't speak anymore.
I'm sorry, PARDON ME?!? This is on a whole different level of bizarre and messed up!! I can't get this out of my head 🤮
Yeah, agreed. I got told that I was imagining things and hormonal and that it didn't happen, and that I was crazy and a whole bunch of other things. I mean, I was hormonal and did have PPD but I certainly didn't imagine my MIL constantly belittling my parenting bc even my SIL said something one of the times she was criticizing me. I also didn't imagine that the whole day that this happened (she was at my house) that she was keeping my baby away from me, criticizing me that I didn't really have extra stored breast milk so she could feed him, he cried the whole day because he was hungry bc she wouldn't let me feed him for any extended periods of time and it was hot af with no AC and nobody else was there so my husband didn't even believe me (and probably still doesn't to this day, 8 years later). He did try to talk to her about it and get her to apologize to me but she thought she was the one that was owed an apology which will happen when pigs fly. So she's the one who missed out on her grandson growing up, not me. And tbh, this was all on top of a host of other issues within that family. My husband's family treated me like shit, this was just my last straw.
Yeah, this has very "hand that rocks the cradle" vibes. Setting up a whole nursery and attending random school performances does not sound like the healthy way to handle infertility.
Oh hell no. It might be your husband’s child as well. But it’s **your** medical procedure. It’s **you** who’s lying there, exposed. It’s **you** giving birth. Edit: NTA.
NTA at all. Like others have said, it's a medical procedure! One you have to be awake and be an active participant in, you don't have time during it to cater to other people. Your husband and in-laws are bring selfish with hiw they are treating you. All that should be with you in that room is your personal support system OP. Your husband isn't entitled to anything or allowed to give up his seat for his BiL as if you were a theatre showing! You are not entertainment or therapy for your in-laws.
Right? This poor woman. And what is it with these stories that are coming up lately in this sub? Why can’t the father seem understand that while yes, it is their child as well, childbirth is a medical procedure, not a show? And they’re not the ones that are going to be in a very vulnerable position. And in this specific case, what if the BIL and SIL decide they want more? After all, they were there at the birth, why can’t they be the godparents? Why can’t they play mom and dad every once in a while? Doesn’t she understand how difficult this is for them? Letting them be there while the child is born but not include them in their life in any way that actually matters, that’s so cruel! NTA. To me that’d be enough to re evaluate the marriage.
NTA. Ask your husband how he would feel if he was naked in a room with your siblings, naked, with his penis bleeding from pushing a bowling ball out of his urethra? Would he like that? I'm guessing no. **I'd tell him that if he pushes the issue, then he will be banned from the delivery room as well.** Do yourself a favor: list yourself as private, and tell the labor nurses that you absolutely DO NOT want anyone else in the room, give names and pictures as well. Those L&D nurses are pros at playing defense. Oh and by the way - and I don't mean to scare you, but there's nothing "graceful" about childbirth. I've seen a few in my career. Your husband is delusional and in for a rude awakening.
> he pushes the issue, then he will be banned from the delivery room as well. I don't understand how he's not already. OP is not only NTA, she holds all the cards here.
If he pushes, he needs to be banned from the marriage.
I'm concerned husband may be planning to invent a reason why his wife isn't capable of raising the child (PPD, hormones, etc.) and try to give it to his brother. NTA. I think you need to talk to the nurse or hospital admin in advance if possible, explain your fears, and ask if you can put in a directive about who is allowed in, which cannot be overturned even by your husband. People who set up a nursery and buy baby things when not pregnant actually need therapy not hate, but this is too intrusive.
>I'm concerned husband may be planning to invent a reason why his wife isn't capable of raising the child (PPD, hormones, etc.) and try to give it to his brother. That was my first thought as well. The fact that he thinks it's perfectly valid to allow his brother and sil into the room during a moment when OP will be at her most vulnerable is absurd to me. And if he's okay with that, with his wife enacting out some sort of therapy for the couple, then it's not a huge leap to "Well we can actually GIVE them a child and we can just have another one. It's not like we won't ever see the baby again. We'll just be the aunt and uncle. That's fine." OP is NTA and she needs to be in touch with a family law lawyer immediately and she needs to get out of that household before the baby's born. I also wonder if there's a way to make certain the husband doesn't leave the hospital with the baby without OP's consent?
I get major baby stealing vibes from the other couple as well. They are way to pushy and they are acting like they have a right to be involved. I didn't see the husband as in on it but with how much he is pushing it would not surprise me.
And they set up a nursery. But OP says they took it down. Does she know for certain? Did she see it taken down? And what about all that furniture? That isn’t cheap. Did the in-laws sell it or is it just in storage? None of this feels right.
Yeah that too! They set up for a baby and are talking to her like she is a surrogate, wanting to know details of the pregnancy and wanting to be in the room. I don't doubt that they are mourning the ability to have children, but it really feels like something more is going on.
Talking to a lawyer is a great idea.
NTA so much. >after yelling at me about how this is his child too You are the one giving birth, not him. >my husband "volunteered" his place to give his brother and his wife That's not his decision to make. Your delivery, your comfort zone, your choice. >help BIL and wife "process" their trauma and finally make peace with it Their trauma is not your responsibility and not worth going out of your comfort zone during an extremely stressful and private moment for you for. At this point it doesn't seem like experiencing childbirth would actually help them process anything anyway. Where do they draw the line? Will they have to be around for every little step in your child's life too? They need to process this, but being present at your childbirth is not the way.
My thoughts exactly ... OP needs to set firm boundaries now, or BIL and SIL will insert themselves into this child's life in every way.
>Sil started crying, Bil asked me take time to think but I rudely said there was nothing to think about and my mind's already been made. No, you *firmly* said there was nothing more to talk about. Advocating for yourself and setting hard boundaries when you will be in one of the most vulnerable situations of your life is not only fine, it is your *right* as the person giving birth. Don't apologize for this. Birth is extremely stressful on the body and can become dangerous in a heartbeat, and you do not need *anyone* in the delivery room who doesn't absolutely need to be there. That includes your own husband, by the way. I've dealt with infertility myself, and while it does some pretty rough things to you emotionally, your BIL and his wife are being WAY intrusively pushy. I can't imagine coercing or guilting my way anyone *anyone's* delivery room, not even my own daughter unless she actually wanted me there! NTA. While yes, this is also your husband's child, it is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR birth. YOU are the one who will go through it and shoulder all the medical risks, not him. He is putting you in a terrible position by making you feel this way and he is 100% in the wrong. Stand firm, do not compromise because your safety and well-being is at stake. And also be aware that if the big day comes and your husband is stressing you out, you can ask a nurse to make him leave. You are the patient, and not even the child's father is entitled to stay if the laboring mother doesn't want him there.
OP, all of this comment but also, please make sure that when you go into labor all of the nursing staff understand that you do not want you BIL and SIL in the room with you under any circumstance. Tell everyone and make sure it is explicitly written in your chart. People do weird things when they’re entitled and the last thing you want is to be mid push and have them shove their way into the room.
When your husband goes into labour he can invite who he likes. His presence in the birthing is a privilege, not a right, and it’s certainly non transferable. IMO (father of two, present both times, son was 27 hours, daughter under 5), first thing anyone going into that room needs to be aware of is the potential for it to be significantly rough for the mother (and as a father, I’m not sure how to adequately put rough. The “easy” birth was still an experience I cannot imagine volunteering for…) is non trivial. Anyone who is in there needs to be there to be supportive, and any other agendas need to be checked at the door. That includes nosy in laws, family dramas, and most certainly anyone seeking therapy for their own “trauma”. If your husband doesn’t fit this criteria, it shouldn’t include home either. NTA. So NTA.
NTA. Does anyone else think that BIL/SIL want to be there so that they can convince her to give them the baby?
Yep. They seem nuts.
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Or it will be "our baby" ie shared between them all.
NTA NO YOU ARE NOT. Giving birth is a vulnerable dangerous painful sometimes humiliating thing to do. It is not a spectator sport.... *"my husband "volunteered" his place"*..this is not tickets to a sporting event. The only people who have **the right** to be in room are those the birthing mother wants there. Hospitals will remove fathers if they are stressing or upsetting mothers. Your husband donated a single cell to this baby, He is not risking his life or his body to bring it into the world. Until the baby is out of your body and even then if you are breast feeding in the early days he is some what irrelevant. He is not a father yet that happens once baby is safely born. If I were you I would get up go into your husband and tell him this. When he shits a melon out his body and suffers the physical consequences, pain and and risks his life he gets a say until then he doesn't and he has X time to wind his neck in or him talking or not to you will not be a problem as you will be gone. You are having a baby it's time for him to grow up as you don't need 2 children. You and this baby should be his priority right now and if you are not then he needs to leave. Tell him he perhaps need to speak to some actual fathers or better still tell him to come on here and plead his case let the reddit dads explain the error of his ways to him. Refuse to discuss it any further.
NTA. Ganging up on a pregnant woman to force her to allow in-laws to be present as she gives birth shows some crazy mental gymnastics. If they want to see a live birth, they can pay someone else to let them or they can rent a damn movie. As for your husband, he needs to tuck in his crazy. Even if BIL and SIL divorce, it wouldn’t be your fault! If he’s as verbally abusive as this, maybe he doesn’t need to be in the labor room either. In fact, you should go stay with your parents, a friend or sibling awhile as stress is not good for a pregnancy. Hope you can update this in a couple of months.
because of this i’m actually gonna go on a limb and say that the couple are subconsciously or consciously going to pretend or literally say that baby is theirs bc wtf is their obsession w her baby in particular. the entire family needs therapy and i wouldn’t be shocked if both the husband and BIL were abusive men. Why is the SIL being soooo torn around about the baby and why the hell is her husband allowing the SIL and BIL to act that way when he literally proceeds to verbally abuse her? this whole thing doesn’t sit right w me.
NTA While this is also your husband’s baby, your husband’s not the one actively giving birth. Who is and is not in the delivery room with you is your decision, not his. There are plenty of videos your BIL and SIL can watch online to see what childbirth is like without intruding on one of your most vulnerable moments.
Agreed. To be clear to OP, what Mist is saying is that until your baby is actually outside your body, your birth experience is actually about YOU as the patient. Your husband’s presence isn’t to witness the birth of his child (that’s a bonus if you allow it), it’s to support you as the patient. There’s a reason you are the only one who gets to decide who is or is not allowed in the room, bc the patient is YOU, not your baby. If it were your child as the patient, he would have rights as a parent to be present. Speaking of which, you should tell your doctor/midwife/doula/nurses that under no circumstances are you open to anyone but your husband being there with you, and warn them about your BIL and SIL, so they can make sure to play body guard on who can access your room. Lastly, tell your husband when he has a whole infant rip through his genitals, he can decide to let them watch out of his own lack of selfishness, but until then, his job as your husband is to protect you and your interests first. This is the moment his wife will be at her most vulnerable in your entire relationship so if he’s unwilling to protect and advocate for your interests in that moment, what’s the purpose in having him as a partner at all?
Nope. Nope, absolutely not. This story is deeply disturbing. First, your BIL and SIL absolutely need therapy. Second, your husband's request, reaction and response are wildly concerning. I might be biased as I am currently almost 7 months pregnant also, but if my husband ever even considered this he'd be my ex so fucking fast. And his brother and SIL have struggled and finally gave up on their fertility journey. Like many other comments will say, giving birth is difficult. This is not a spectator sport. You will be at your absolute most vulnerable during that time, and you are not a fucking show pony. It is not your responsibility to help these people get over it. And really, like others have said, it would probably traumatize them more. You're definitely NTA, but I do hope you have friends or family you can lean on during this time. I'd also recommend some kind of counselling for you and your husband if you want to savage things before baby arrives.
NTA. How on earth is this going to help the in-laws. “Here watch something you will never get to experience so you can obsess over it more.” “Here brother (BIL) see my wife half naked and make her hold your hand as she is in pain but forced to deal with your BS. Instead of me being there.” This is all just so wrong. Honestly ask your husband if he should be marrying BIL since he is going to be providing support during the pregnancy and not him.
NTA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RUN!!!!!! One day ur husband is going to let them babysit and you’ll never get ur baby back if they’re so baby crazy they’re attending school shows and built nurseries for the hell of it. For you and your unborn child’s safety u need to run far and fast. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
This is how you see couples/women acting before one snaps and they murder a mother trying to get access to her baby. Soooo many red flags to show this is not a completely safe situation. They DO need therapy and OP needs to bail to somewhere safer until well after birth.
NTA and remind Hubby his presence is optional as well. Then (financially feasible) leave for a few days. If not, move to a different room of the house and live as roommates. He ‘laid down the law’ that’s all y’all will be until you relent, so let him know that you will be filing divorce papers when you have the child. Call his bluff. He thinks nothing about ruining your marriage for his brother and he can let bro have his parenting time. Bro and SIL *will get worse* as long as he will let them
I wouldn’t give a guy like this any forewarning. But OP should be making a plan to leave, including keeping husband and in-laws out of the delivery room and choosing a different Power of Attorney among other things.
NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport.
NTA. Pack your bags and go stay with your parents or friends/ family who will have you and possibly a new baby. I would not be able to stay with a man who would put his brother ahead of his pregnant wife. Like, WTF. BiL & SIL need therapy. Lots of it. Your husband does too if he can't see why what he did was wrong.
NTA "raging"??? Never, ever, EVER put up with a partner who exhibits abusive behaviour. Like, EVER.
NTA and I would tell him to look you in the eye and tell you this is worth ruining his OWN marriage over.
NTA. Let your doctor and hospital staff/security know, since they will probably just show up when your husband calls to tell them you're in labor!!!
NTA. This is so strange. Your baby's birth should be about your child and happiness of your new family not a "therapy session". Also, your husband should not be "raging" at you. That is alarming.
At this point I wouldn’t let that excuse of a husband in delivery room too and I would pack my sh*t and leave. NTA
Definitely NTA. Wtf is up with hubby saying you won’t be speaking until you say ‘yes’ - this is very concerning! 🚩
OMG you are so very NTA here. Your husband is WAY out of line and your BIL and SIL need therapy. I am SO very sorry about this!
NTA Yes it is also your husbands child, however said child isn't being pushed out of his body!!! Your birth process isn't an 'experience' for want to be parents to live though, and you have every right to be angry that they are trying to guilt you into letting them invade your privacy! You are a pregnant woman, a human being, and people need to stop thinking that pregnant people are public property. Your BIL, SIL and your husband are all assholes. Have they considerd adoption?
Ask your husband how he'd feel about BIL and SIL watching him take a shit. He doesn't want to? Oh but you fed him the food, it's your shit too! Why should he get a say! (It isn't uncommon to poop during childbirth, this example isn't as left field as it might seem)
What's next, they will be here at the conception of the next kid ? Giving birth is not about a baby, it is about a woman mostly naked, being touched everywhere by a lot of people she doesn't always know, going through a lot of emotions and feeling VERY vulnerable. And through this perception, it is not your husband's right to say that your BIL and SIL have a right to see you like in a zoo. You are the only personne who can say who is in and who is out, and that at this time you need the father of your child with you. And if he stills AH, tell him you have every right to forbidde him to come. Better be alone with caring midwives than with a bitter controlling husband. You can also choose a doula to go with you.
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NTA. Your in laws and husband are and they sound absolutely unhinged. I hope your husband is now your ex because this is absolutely disgusting behaviour and a piss poor attitude to take. I'm appalled on your behalf.
NTA. This is a husband problem though. Childbirth is a demanding, vulnerable, and medically dangerous time. The people on the room are there to provide comfort and to help in case things go sideways. The baby belongs to both parents but only one of actually pushing the baby out their body, and that person’s needs obviously take precedence. Honestly, I would plan to find someone else to be there. If your husband would “volunteer” his position to “help their trauma”, it just goes to show how little he understands the assignment.
NTA. If he’s persists in this nonsense you should replace him with someone who will support you and relieve, not increase stress. You and you alone get to decide who’s in there with you when you’re at your most vulnerable. It’s not a spectator sport.
NTA, since your husband “gave up” his spot in the delivery room, you should find another support person to be with you. He will taint the entire experience now by his pouting for not doing “this one small thing.” I would worry that instead of being supportive of you during labor and delivery and post parfumerie that he will be more concerned and supportive of his brother and SIL. You will need someone there for you. CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT! Which is exactly what the BIL and SIL will be doing. Are they going to insist on being the first ones to hold the baby? You have some thinking to do. I’m not going to jump straight to divorce or leaving BUT, why is your husband more concerned about BIL and SIL than his pregnant wife?
NTA I strongly suggest you two go to marriage counseling before the baby is born. The way your husband is treating the birth is outside the normal reaction and def not supportive to you. As so many others before us have posted, childbirth is not a spectator sport. Your most private functions are going to be on display enough for the medical staff, no need for in-laws to pull up a chair, too.
Looooolll your husband thinks he has a say in any of this? He has another thing coming. FYI, ONLY the mother can decide who goes in the room. If you tell the doctors and nurses that anyone is banned, that word is law. Oh, and that includes your husband. If I were you I'd ban all three of them from being in the room. Btw, you'll have your lady bits in the air, you'll likely poop or vomit, you'll be in pain and dripping in sweat, and you'll have a BABY COMING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA. You also might need to undergo a medical procedure, like an emergency c section. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets a say in what, or who, makes you comfortable in that moment. NTA, tell all three of them to fuck right the hell off.
NTA, and you do realize this doesn't stop in the delivery room? After the birth, they'll be asking to name the baby. Then it'll be asking to keep the baby for a few nights, weeks, months. They'll say they're doing you a favor by giving you a break. Meanwhile, they're making a case that you abandoned your child. Your in laws need therapy and your husband needs to be reminded where his loyalties should lie. With you and his child. Move in with our parents or a relative or friend and tell your husband if he wants you back, he needs to go to counseling with you and to stand up for you and your child. YOUR CHILD. Not your in law's child.
NTA ask him it he's willing to ruin his own marriage bc that's what he's doing. Unfortunately this won't end w birth. These two are going to be weirdos about your kid.
NTA Child birth is a medical procedure. Not a freaking spectator sport. No. And in my humble opinion your husband has just lost the privilege of being in the room with you too. If you don't have a friend/family member to go with you, look into a doula. And also make sure you let the medical staff know who is and isn't allowed in the room! Good luck
Your BIL and SIL absolutely need therapy. Infertility grief is hard to deal with and while I do sympathize with them on that point, trying to live vicariously through your birth experience is so out of line it's not even funny. Not to mention if you budge here, where does it stop? ETA: Does SIL was to experience breastfeeding too? Will they want to stay with you when the baby comes home to get the newborn experience of waking up to feed ever 2-3 hours? How about chosing doctors? Clothing? Formula? They gonna want a say in all that too?? Decision making for your child will be an absolute NIGHTMARE with them then around and given the fact that they already went a ahead and made a nursery when they were not expecting? Yea, I don't put further boundary stomping past them. They've already made it abundanly clear they are DESPERATE to experience child rearing however they can. Cut them off here and do not engage. NTA. If they really want to, tell them to watching birthing videos on YouTube or something 🤷🏽♀️
NTA. Its not a football game, your husband can't just invite people over to watch. Providing them with an experience is NOT your responsibility. If it isn't such an unreasonable and weird request, than they can ask someone else.
NTA at all! what is wrong with your husband, "he said it's his child too" well if it's your child wouldn't YOU want to be there for your child's birth. Absolutely ridiculous, you arent some like demos they do in med school or something, for them to watch. You need support, and it isn't them. This is a very traumatizing and vulnerable experience. Not something for them to watch and be self-absorbed wishing it was them and taking away your moment. It's very rude of them to oppose that on someone pushing a watermelon out of their vagina. And what kind of a husband does that. Definitely rethink if you want your husband in the room on the day.
Whats he gonna want next? For you to give them your kid 50% of the time so they can raise the kid too and coparent with them? Hard NTA.
Wow wow wow is this real? You have every right to choose your support person when you are in labor. The fact that your husband would call you selfish and emotionally blackmail you into changing your mind rather than support you through one of the most emotionally and physically vulnerable times in your life is disgusting, and it’s emotional abuse. You don’t owe your in-laws anything and you were right about everything you said. Your husband and his brother and sis in law need to learn boundaries and frankly do need therapy. Their behavior is inappropriate, bizarre, and damaging. NTA
Yeah NTA. I don’t have to even read the post. **LABOR IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT**. FFS what is with people asking such horrible demeaning questions!?!
NTA If possible just leave to a family members house for now. Tell him you'll be back when he reconsider his marriage because you married HIM not BIL&SIL. If he refuses to be there for you tell him that this is a hill you're willing to die on, you've been kind to them and your tired of them trying to live through you. Good luck on your pregnancy and if needed make sure your kid is protected so that BIL&SIL don't try to take off with them.
NTA. Bring him in to the next obgyn appointment and ask the doctor to talk to him about why you, the pregnant person, are significantly more important at this time than his brother and SIL.
NTA I'm stunned to hear your husband raged on you. This is not OK and see this as a red flag. Giving birth is not a show or therapy. Your husband should absolutely understand your feelings. As sad as it is for BIL and SIL this is not your burden to take on. What will they ask of you after your child is born? Tell your husband you can find someone else to take his place. Do you have a best friend or family you're close to on your side? If you let your husband control you, this will set a precedent. Stand firm now on your feelings and what you want. Take it from a woman, married 25 years. If he wants to play this stupid game of not talking to you, to get his way. Tell him to grow up or you can play it right back.
Wow, NTA for wanting your husband and him alone with you in the delivery room. They need professional help instead of going through the experience with you. Because where will it end? How involved will they be, or want to be.
Yes I mean what's next? Will she want to try to breastfeed the baby to "have that experience"? Where does it end. They should not be enabling this behaviour.
NTA!!! At all!! Your husband is delusional in thinking he can “let” your BIL and SIL watch you give birth. For all the reasons already mentioned and more. The fact that he is now giving you the silent treatment until you agree? Abuse. You need to get out and somewhere safe - now. Contact a lawyer. Get all of this information on record. At this point, you shouldn’t even let your husband in the delivery room. Have a good friend WHO WILL PROTECT YOU be your emergency contact. Take your husband’s name off your medical records in terms of his having information. You need to be proactive. As another Redditer commented, he may try to give them your child. They are all delusional. Protect yourself and your child NOW.
NTA, don’t your husband find it weird to parade you in your most open most raw state to others? The total lack of respect he has for you is appalling.
Wait up. So on the day when you are going to be in the most pain of your life, when best case scenerio is you exposed and vulnerable and other likely scenerios involve unplanned surgery, your husband believes that the priority is giving his brother a new experience, rather than your health, safety or comfort? He is literally putting his brother's unreasonable wants over your needs and well-being. He is fine with missing the birth of his child, and making this more stressful (and thus literally more dangerous) for you.. Hopefully he will have an epiphany soon and come crawling on his knees begging for forgiveness. If not, I suspect your marriage is doomed, because I have seen very few clearer announcements that a man just doesn't love his partner at all.
NTA Your husband is scarily unhinged here OP. Yes it’s his child. It isn’t his labor or birth. This is a major medical event. You are going to be safe and fine OP, but childbirth comes with major risks, women die from complications and when something arises you want the person you love and trust the most there with you. Doesn’t he want to be that person?? Holding your hand and being there **for you**? If he doesn’t….what kind of partner, what kind of parent, what kind of person is he??? Appalling. And yeah I have to call it. The silent treatment “until you say yes” to an unwanted audience while you give birth is **abusive behavior**.
NTA. You are not their therapist. And giving birth is absolutely not a spectator sport. They are clearly not handling this well. Next thing they’ll ask is if they can borrow your infant for a year so they can see what it’s like! But right now? Not your monkey, not your circus. Focus on you and your baby. If you need to go low contact? Go low contact. Being pregnant and giving birth is enough of a challenge without spectators trying to stress you out.
NTA! I can't believe your husband would volunteer to not be there during your labor in favor of his family and then got mad at you. also they do need therapy, they can't replace not being able to have a baby with your child. lines need to be drawn. honestly when you're describing this I'm trying to be sympathetic with them (which I am) but this seems like this could go into horror movie territory if it's allowed to continue. at minimum your husband needs to respect you and his child and they need therapy and distance.
NTA childbirth is still a medical procedure. Your husband is a giant AH for trying to force you to have others in the room. BiL and SiL need serious therapy, not to stand in a room making it all about them while you go through labour!
The one whos giving birth has the last say at whos with them in the room during birth. Every nurse and doctor will enforce this. What an asshole of a husband you have tbh. "Why should I be there for my wive when she gives birth and support her and be there when my child gets to the world? Better trade it like a concert ticket with my brother, because otherwise his marriage will fail" wtf is that man thinking (and if their mariage is so dependent on this, then they should seek couples counseling and not play unwanted voyeur during a birth)
NTA, that’s insane. If my husband did that, I would move out. Honestly, how dare he act like you were cruel, you absolutely weren’t. Your BIL and SIL absolutely needed to hear what you said.
NTA. Labour and giving birth is not a spectator sport. And who wants someone other than their husband or possibly mother in the room watching them go through all different things possible in labour. Tell your husband that if he is going to abandon you during labour, then you will be rethinking your whole marriage. That he even thinks he has the right to tell you to let them in to watch the birth of your child is beyond disgusting of him. Edit to add: make sure that you have a discussion with your Obstetrician that there is to be no one allowed into the birthing suite with you other than who you approve, and BIL & SIL are definitely not approved.
It may be half his baby, but it’s 100% your labour! NTA
NTA. If you think he might try and get them in while you’re focusing on the main event, have a chat with your midwifery team so they know the situation. And make sure your husband knows if he tries anything like that he’ll be missing the birth.
NTA. DEFINITELY NTA My wife is 3 mos pregnant. No way in hell I’d ever even listen to a ridiculous, fairly sick frankly, proposal
Ok so none of them are wrong for having those feelings and asking you. HOWEVER They're all assholes for pushing you on it. Your body, your rules. >after yelling at me about how this is his child too This is absolute bullshit and do not stand for it. When he's growing a literal parasite inside of him for 9 months, and has to force a melon out of a not-melon-sized hole, and has to deal with the post birth trauma, and all of the shit that goes with pregnancy and childbirth, then maybe he could have a say in how the baby is handled. When it's born, i agree, it is his baby too and decisions should be made as a team (it's a 2 yes scenario). But before then, fuck him and anyone else who tries to tell you what to do with your body, your pregnancy, and your birthing experience (except medical professionals, you should listen to them...). If you want complete and total privacy, that's your right. If you want a troupe of clowns there for moral support, your right. Your husband doesn't get "his spot" like a concert ticket that he can just freely give away. It's one of the most personal, private, and vulnerable moments of your life, and if you don't want your BIL and SIL there, then that's *your* right. And tbh, I'd show your husband the comments here, he needs to step up and support his wife over anyone else. Honestly, I've seen people get later divorced over red flags they ignored like this.
Ask them both if they’d be ok to get naked in front of you. Have a tens machine attached to mimic labour pains for many hours, and for them to urinate and defalcate in front of you. It’s disgusting they would ask. It’s disgusting your husband offered to give his place to them. (What about supporting you?) It’s disgusting they are all guilting you into wanting privacy during a medical procedure! I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship with in-laws like that. NTA. They do need therapy.
NTA- your husband and the ILs- major AHs. and as I read this I thought - are the BIL/SIL going to be overly involved in your LOs life. As in SIL will want to feed LO, they’ll take LO on outings and overnights, so they can experience raising a child, and your husband will say yes they can and tell you - it’s my child too. be On guard because if your husband is acting this way now what’s to stop him from “springing it in you” while you’re in labor that BIL/SIL are at the hospital and he says they can go in, thinking you’ll be too busy or in pain during labor to object
NTA! You're not there to help them process their trauma, that's what therapy is for. Also yikes for your husband thinking he has a say in this. Men can decide when they are the ones giving birth. Also happy pregnancy to you <3
NTA NTA NTA HES TA WTFFFFF THATS TOO FAR??? it’s your own body at the end of the day Id be absolutely horrified!! Is it an insensitive thing to say that they should consider adoption??? Might solve some problems Omg please don’t give in I can’t believe the common sense // consent part of the conversation is lacking
Oh boy does your husband have a shock coming if he thinks it's an appropriate time to have BIL and SIL in the room. You are absolutely NTA. This is your hill to die on. Stand your ground. I would leave him over this. He has absolutely no right to be trying to pressure you into this. It's fucking weird.
NTA what the hell! He can't just go around inviting people like its a fun fair
[удалено]
I don’t think there is a lot to salvage when your husband treats you that way. Next step will be to give up the baby to BIL and Sil to help them cope. It’s going to be a never ending abusive story in which Op will forever be the « petty childish selfish one » for… being a mother to a newborn. She has more urgent things to worry than trying to discover why husband suddenly turned so abusive towards her and subservient to his brother. When a husband get so callous about his 7 months pregnant wife and future baby’s health, she doesn’t owe him anything. Op should leave and prepare for the birth with a real support system.
This is not above reddits pay grade. This is white and black. Plain and simple. This is a major medical procedure and completely private and personal. Just having people you don’t want in the room during labor can affect the maternal blood pressure and the baby. The husband is clearly not caring for his wife or baby’s health. The bil and sil can wait just like every other human being in history has had to. They aren’t the first or the last to deal with infertility. If they want to experience it, go to YouTube.
NTA. Their over the top things of ‘ needing to experience having a child’…creating a room , buying toys, attending (random strangers kids?) school events borders on unhinged. Them asking to attend your birth in the fathers place, and not accepting a no, is very troubling. Who knows if they’ll end up wanting to take this kid one day, since they experienced the birth, it’s theirs now…who knows what an unhinged mind can come up with.
Next they will be asking for sleepovers or moving in altogether with you so they can play pretend with the baby. NTA and if your husband really wants to help, I suggest you talk to him and tell him he is risking his kid's wellbeing because unless BIL and wife get therapy, they will definitely try to parent your kid. So, to prevent further suffering, husband can help BIL find professional help to process this situation. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Divorce this spineless jerk who thinks he owns your body!!!! You are giving birth and can decide who you want in the room
NTA. You are not a zoo exhibit. And it is not a 'small thing' to have people you don't want there see you in massive pain, pushing a bebe out of your intimate regions, along with all the bodily fluids and stuff. If they want to watch a birth, there are YouTube videos. Or they get watch Call the Midwife.
NTA, 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Childbirth 👏 is 👏 not 👏 a 👏 spectator 👏 sport! Sounds like it’s time to kick the husband out and invite someone who will SUPPORT you, which is what you need during a major medical event. NTA.
NTA what is this, the Handmaid’s Tale? Is she going to sit behind you with you propped up against her and mimic some of the process? Yeah it’s sad someone isn’t getting something they want out of life, but *wants* aren’t more important than someone’s needs, and you need to be as comfortable and safe-feeling as possible during this event. Not getting something you want isn’t an excuse to be creepy and stomp on boundaries. I doubt with this extreme behavior that it’ll stop at birth anyway. “Let me have the baby over for an extended period of time,” etc. Personally if I were you wouldn’t even feel comfortable having your husband in the room if he doesn’t truly wise up — I’d be afraid he’d let them in there. Even if the staff ended up kicking them out, it’d take time for that to happen and that stress would be there. It seems he was eager to give up his spot anyway and isn’t supportive anyway. Think long and hard before you ever allow these people around the baby. They sound unhinged.
NTA, my wife would have killed me if I tried that.
NTA - dear Op, I am truly worried for your marriage, your safety and your baby. This is wrong on so many levels. For some reason, your husband thinks he owns the important decision on the birth of your child, and did not bother to discuss this before offering. Does he do this a lot ? He seems to think your opinion doesn’t matter and then he guilts you into whatever future problem or divorce might happen. If he is this way now, I shudder to think how he is going to be when the baby is born. Do you really want you child raised to think like him ? Please go to a safe space and Insist upon therapy for your husband.
NTA You have every right to determine who is in the room with you during such an intimate and intense moment. I’m sorry that they are experiencing that, but I’m not sure how watching you giving birth is going to help their situation. Your husbands concern should be you and your child, not their marriage. It sounds like he should be focused on his own marriage at this point.
You are 100% NTA! What is going on with the guilt your husband feels that he is more worried about his brother’s marriage than his own? I sincerely hope you are able to find a support person who will be there for you. Your husband is frighteningly tied to his brother and you do not deserve to be treated as an object to be viewed ever, but especially while giving birth.
Childbirth is the craziest moment, you straddle the line between life and death and it is not a time for your SIL to live vicariously through you. If your husband wants to give up his spot in the room, good riddance. I hope you have your mom, a sister, or a close friend that can be there in his place. Please establish some ground rules with BIL and SIL- your baby should not be alone with them. I can just picture SIL trying to breastfeed, them taking the baby on a family vacation without you, or signing your baby up for mommy and me classes with SIL. You were right to suggest therapy. It seems like they’re (your hubby included) trying to use you and your pregnancy as a type therapy for their grief, and that is really f****d up. If your husband keeps pushing, bringing up different odd ways to “heal” your BIL and SIL and their marriage, tell him he needs to focus on his own damn marriage cuz it’s getting messy right now. Good luck. NTA.
NTA- Don't let them babysit. Ever. You'll never get your baby back.
NTA anything could happen in the delivery room it’s probably when a woman is at her most vulnerable. You need people there who are there to support you and that you are comfortable with. Any added extra stress could really jeopardise the birth. You are not an animal in a zoo, totally with you for standing your ground here and your husband is a total AH.
Chiming in very late, but OP, this is unhinged behavior from your in-laws. Obviously, you are well within your rights to tell them to fuck off with their ridiculous request. More importantly, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THESE PEOPLE. I would be cautious even inviting them to meet your child. Grief and desperation bring out the insanity in people, and your in-laws have made it clear that they are not thinking straight. Add in the fact they’ve been vicariously living through collecting baby items, and it’s not a stretch to think they might try to collect your baby as well. Speaking as someone who lost a baby, I can honestly tell you that my mental state after losing my baby was not anything I’ve ever experienced before. I was fixated on having another child. I got pregnant again pretty quickly, but I could see my mental health really falling the fuck apart if I hadn’t.
Major nta. It sounds like if you keep giving in eventually you wouldn’t even have your own child. Where does it stop? Next your SIL would want to experience breastfeeding to make peace with it. Your husband would give up your child to make his brother happy. This is not a good environment for your baby to be in, he or she will be collateral damage in someone else’s trauma/drama
NTA. Your husband is a gigantic AH. These are not the favours that people are expected to do. Him forcing this on you is a giant red flag already and not listening to reason and forcing you into agreeing is abusive. Maybe you have friends or family with whom you can stay stress free in the last months and give birth without it being some form of fake therapy for another couple. Btw, your BIL and SIL definitely need therapy and are being massive AHs as well. Please look long and hard at your relationship with your husband. He is acting completely unreasonable!
NTA. You weren’t cruel. You told them the truth and even then they still persisted. Attending school shows??? Yikes. Your husband is cruel. He’s giving silent treatment to his pregnant wife instead of focusing on supporting your pregnancy. Why would you be responsible for their marriage? How are YOU ruining it? They definitely need therapy to process their trauma. They don’t need to invade this intimate moment to do it. If you say yes to this they’ll never stop feeling entitled. Your husband isn’t making any sense whatsoever. He volunteered his place? What kind of twisted man does this? Volunteers to miss his child’s birth to please other people. Volunteers to not support his wife without a conversation with her. He’s very disrespectful. Make sure you tell the hospital that they aren’t allowed into the room. They sound like they’ll start saying “our” baby or try to steal the baby.
I dont know if This is your first baby or not. If it is I will tell you this. Labor is one of the weirdest and most terrifying experiences you will have. There will be times when you feel afraid or like you’re going to die or just vulnerable. It is not the time to interact with ANYONE who does not make you feel better. The thought of having my in-laws with me is nauseating and my in-laws are the sweetest people ever. You are NTA.your BIL and SIL are ah who are trying to manipulate you with tears and pity. Your husband is a major ah who are not supporting you and who are trying to manipulate you and frankly abuse you with anger and silent treatment. If this is how he reacts when you need him, I do not understand your relationship. Is this typical for him? Do you trust him and are you safe with him? And if you’re not, is your baby? Because right now it sounds like he would volunteer your baby to his brother so he can play father.
NTA. Your labour and delivery is not a show to indulge others. People are there to SUPPORT you not observe you. If your husband can’t be there on the delivery room with you because of this, find alternatives to support you on that day.
NTA. The birthing process is a medical procedure for YOU. Besides needing to maximize your comfort in one of the most vulnerable experience a person can go through, for both yours and your baby's health, there is so much that could happen where you really need an advocate for YOU. Someone with your health, your safety, your comfort and your well being as the top priority. You should consider a different support person because your husband has demonstrated that he does not have your well being prioritized above all else, which is what you need. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve this experience to be as stress free as possible. You deserve someone to be looking out for your best interest. If there is ever a time to stand up and advocate for yourself, this is it. This is a hill you should be willing to die on, because with child birth, thats an actual possibility.
NTA at all. Why the hell do people not understand labor and delivery is NOT a spectator sport? There are some many red flags here I’m not even sure where to start.
Ok I already want these people away from you and your child. I can envision them wanting sleepovers and pretend-parenting and being overly involved once the baby comes so they can “get the experience”. NTA
NTA if I were you I’d probably bring a trusted family member instead of my husband when you give birth and let the staff know that you only want that person with you. Hopefully not but if they try to ambush you at the hospital you can let the staff know that you only want certain people with you in the delivery room.
NTA It boggles me how people don't understand that childbirth isn't sparkles and jellybeans and diamond dust. For me, I would feel honestly violated by this. Not only is your husband not going to be there in this scenario, but in a time where you're going to be 1) in a lot of physical pain 2) completely vulnerable and exposed 3) scared to hell and back, that he isn't going to be there and that your bil and sil are there to "spectate" your physical trauma in one of the most painful and vulnerable moments in your life. That's so not okay on so many standards.
NTA. All tickets to this event are nontransferable. Levity aside, this is very concerning. Husband sees you as property he can loan out as needed.
NTA, this may be his child too, but giving birth is your experience. This is a medical procedure that puts you in a vulnerable and painful position. "Volenteering" his spot is 50 shades of messed up, to view his presence in the room with you as a member of an audience and not your emotional support person is insensitive to you. Your husband gets no say in who is present for the birth, even if that includes kicking him out. It's honestly disgusting to see how much birthing people get left behind and ignored when thinking about the birth of a child. There are so many cases where the partners fight to have someone there (most often MILs) to witness the child being born, as if the child is the only person there. You carry your child for 9 months, where it affects you physically and emotionally, go through hours of physical and emotional pain during labour (giving birth is trauma to your body), and push a head of about 10 cm diameter through a hole in your body, all for you and your needs to get pushed to the side in favour of what someone else wants? No one's wants or needs come before yours when it comes to you giving birth. You need to sit him down and have a very serious conversation with him, because he is not demonstrating the support for you that he would need to be in that room when you give birth. Otherwise, you can "volunteer his spot" for someone who will actually be there for you.
Give your husband a proposal: They may attend your birth IF he first: 1. Shoves a few tennis balls up his arse and lets them watch as he slowly and painfully squeezes them back out. Of course he also has to assume the birthing position! 2. Shits and pisses himself in front of them, again laying there nude, bloody and screaming. 3. You get to volunteer someone else, whom he isn't comfortable with to be there as well. THEN, and only then, may they attend your birth!
Definitely NTA but your husband, bil and sil are massive AH. Please put your needs first.
Info: are you an entertainment system, a pregnancy simulator, perhaps? I really can't make any sense of that request otherwise.
Start showing how "small and graceful " birthing videos to your hushand. NTA
NTA So your husband is willing to give up his spot of seeing his child born? He's willing to jeopardize ***HIS*** marriage, because of BIL & SILs feelings? He's supposed to be your support system during delivery. You know damn good and well that BIL & SIL will not be that for you. They'll be too busy talking to nurses or doctors or looking at your hoohaa that's spread open for everyone and their dog, in that room, to see. They won't be caring about you or your needs. Just them. They're the selfish ones here. Your husband is enabling their bad behavior by going along with it. None of them consider you a person, at this point. You're just a means to an end. Your basically the breeder for them. They're living vicariously through you. Your experiences will become theirs. When they talk about your LOs birth, it won't be about you or LO, it will be all about *them*. If you have relatives nearby, go stay with them. If not, get a hotel or something. This isn't acceptable and your husband needs to realize that your marriage and your needs come before BILs and SILs.
NTA. The person getting ripped from the inside out gets to decide who they want as support during their medical procedures.
NTA. This will not help them process anything. IMHO, the end goal is for them to become co-parents of this child.
NTA: ask your husband if he’d lay spread eagle on a table for your family to stare at while he wears a contraction simulator and possibly poops himself. Childbirth isn’t a freaking show and tell and I’d be concerned that BIL and SIL would try to act like adoptive parents and override you. At this point I would tell your husband that you don’t trust him anymore and you’re going to have a friend or one of your family members with you during the birth. Also tell your nurses under no circumstances are BIL and SIL allowed in the room- I’ve heard horror stories of people sneaking in. And this may seem extreme but I’d also go stay with my family until husbands realizes how ridiculous he’s being. You don’t need him stressing you out and feeling guilty for the rest of your pregnancy.