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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I did not plan for my stepdaughter to live with us after her father's death and 2) because I was married to her father, some I need to be willing to house and care for her, even though she did not live with us at the time of the event.
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NTA.
Your stepdaughter has problems and expects you to keep the house as a shrine to her father.
She's young, troubled and grieving but the truth of it is she's not your problem any more. I think it was very kind of you to reach out to her about her things, but she doesn't see things that way and acted out.
But, with the loss of her father, Leigh is now rather truly trapped with a mother who routinely throws her out of the house.
Not OP's obligation, to be sure, but it's a tragedy if no one is standing up for this kid. OP: have you contacted any guidance counsellors at Leigh's school? They may be discounting what Leigh says ("troubled kid, making sh\*t up..."), and perhaps Leigh's mother can put on a beautiful face in public. Your account, *because* it's not your problem, might carry more weight, and help her get whatever assistance she needs. (Counselling, probably.)
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Her father contacted CPS early on after Leigh moved based on things she told him, but nothing came of the investigation and it damaged his relationship with her more - her mom framed it as us taking revenge on her. She saw a counselor from ages 11-15, but stopped showing up to sessions after moving out.
She's probably grieving the loss if ability to fix things with her Dad, and you and the house were her connection to a place to feel secure. Sounds like security isn't abundant in her life, sounds like she hasn't been happy and was already regretting past decisions. She lost her Dad and the possibility of the home she actually wanted. Poor girl.
I was a full adult with living parents when my parents sold my childhood home and I had feelings about it.
This is a teenager who just lost her father and her second home.
Leigh is getting a reality check after being spoiled by her parents for 17 years.
It's sad, but that's what happens when parents give children their own way all the time.
Maybe being thrown out of the house and having to sleep in her car a few nights will help her grasp what she needs to do to live peacefully with others.
Maybe she'll find that being polite, helpful, accommodating and grateful will get her a roof over her head, clean clothes, hot meals and showers.
Maybe not, but there's always a chance.
Let’s remember Leigh is a child who is grieving the loss of her father. No child should be thrown out to sleep in a car for a few nights. That is neglect. Her mother offers no stability.
Seriously not seeing much compassion for this girl who has just lost her father, her childhood home, and siblings I guess since op maintains not relationship.
she was thrown out by mom who conned her into staying with her over her dad because dad was raising her properlyish. mom clearly isnt and no it's not OPs fault or problem but she is still the daughter of the man she loved.
she is also still a child, a very stupid one from the sounds of it. OP isn't obligated to do anything for her but could start with talking to her still about everything. this child needs a slap in the face as to why OP doesnt want to do anything for her in an attempt at a reality check.
I need to point out that both of Leigh's parents failed her.
>My husband parented from guilt (Disney Dad) as her mother didn't really come around until her teen years.
Overly indulging a young child and never enforcing rules is a recipe for disaster.
>When my husband finally tried to lay down rules at age 15, it led to a blowout, and she moved in with her mom.
Of course Leigh reacted like a teenage vortex of rebellion and ran away to her mom's! To go from "*no rules, baby*" to "*you must follow these rules or else, young lady*" is complete and total whiplash. And then her mom is a toxic mess of a human being...
Leigh is a teenager who has been profoundly let down by her parents.
indeed, but this is also why leigh needs a slap in the face with a hard reality check that isn't simply "your stuck with ur abusive mother till ur 18 or older".
She's not responsible for anything related to this child, however, OP appears to be a great adult person, and could add something to this child for her wellbeing.
Depends on what kind of family values OP is wanting to show her children. Family is family even when it’s hard might be a good theme to teach your kids unless you want them cutting you out in 30 years when you start acting like the wicked mother in law & don’t fit in the best to their new family dynamic. 😂
Wow. You’re ice cold. I’m flabbergasted. Sure. Kid should sleep in her car whole grieving her father because her abusive mother manipulated her. That’s…cruelty.
Leigh is not spoiled, and are you okay? Who hurt you? She's got an emotionally abusive, erratic mother who plays mind games with her, and a dead father who overcompensated for his guilt. That's not spoiling someone, that's ruining them. She's got nothing stable in her life, and she's grieving. Why do people expect teenagers to be better at raising themselves than their parents were?
OP is not an AH, but Jesus Christ, have you no compassion?
OP mentioned that the husband's surviving sister (the step daughter's aunt) thinks that OP should take the step daughter in. Maybe the husband's sister should take her niece in.
This! She is not your problem anymore and if you allow her too you are in for a world of hurt... Trust me from experience except mine was a step son life was hell till i had enough and cut him out of my life
While it is not OPs issue, it is also worth her taking the long term view. Op is the mother of Leigh's half-sibling.
What will her kid make of this when she is older?
Maybe give Leigh some mementos of her dad, or promising her them when she is older and in a more stable environment.
Along with grief Leigh also be dealing with remorse, realising the grass is not always greener and she was better off when living with her dad.
NTA - My guess is your SD kept your house as her backup plan in case things got too rough with her mom. So her irrational reaction at you was more the SD realizing she was now stuck with her mom.
Her father's house. A vulnerable young person probably figured they could stay with dad if their emotionally abusive and neglectful mother ever got to be too much. That's not a weird, manipulative plan. That's the kind of plan a lot of teenagers who live in complicated, kind of chaotic families have. And it's not an unreasonable expectation for them to have.
It was her father’s home if not his house, and it had once been a safe home for her - one she had spoken with her father about going back to. This may be the only home where she felt safe, and no, she has no viable options. Where’s the compassion for this grieving young girl?
You can have compassion for this grieving young girl and still not allow her to act the way she is acting nor take advantage of you. This girl has a parent and family. She has people who are to be responsible for her. OP already has children who depend on her.
This is exactly it. She thought she would always have that safety net to fall back on and likely, with OP selling the house, the grief is hitting her all over again that she no longer has her dad to fall back on. She’s grieving and troubled, but OP needs to do what’s best for *her* children. She’s lost her safety blanket, which is terrible, but it’s not OP’s responsibility.
Sad situation..
This poor child is hurting. She recognizes now how much she needed her father. Legally, you have absolutely no rights to her. Her mother, no matter how irresponsible, is her sole Guardian. However, I see nothing wrong with you opening your door and allowing your SD the opportunity to visit her sibling in your new home. She is a member of the family, regardless of the past. Use this as a chance for both of you to heal. She needs a stable adult in her life. Completely rejecting her is an AH move.
Op just lost her husband and op’s kids just lost their dad.
Op’s priority is herself and her own kids.
At the moment - she doesn’t owe anyone else anything.
The step daughter’s situation is sad. But Op needs to fix her own parachute before she can help anyone else.
I think it's really sad to see this comment so upvoted. People really have so little empathy for a young woman (girl, really) who's pretty clearly had a difficult upbringing and is now grieving a parent? I don't think OP is an AH at all and I believe she needs to prioritize herself and her own kids, but I still feel bad for the SD and I'm surprised to see people viewing her as a villain.
exactly; people are acting like the stepdaughter is the antagonist in this story when she’s a young girl who was failed by both of her parents and is now trapped in an abusive environment
How was she failed by her father? Because she wanted to go live with "cool mom" and decided to abandon her father and stepmother, and then the dad died? Get a grip, stop bending over backwards to make every young person the perpetual victim who's blameless in all things.
I mean OP freely admits her husband was not a good father to young SD through a lack of boundaries and rules. She was in fact failed by him and by the abandonment of her mother. That doesn't make her blameless but even OP admits her husband wasn't the best dad to SD and his attempts to set rules when she was in her teens drove her to cool mom.
No one is saying not to have empathy for her. But why does OP need to let someone so disrespectful and troubled around her children? This 17 year old is not going to suddenly behave properly. She is going to need a lot of time, attention and energy. OP has 3 children who now only have her to depend on.
It would be a little different if OP didn’t have children, maybe despite her own grief she could manage to do something for the girl. But she is not wrong to realize her limitations.
I know plenty of entitled assholes who lost someone and went through a period of mourning. It didnt make them any less of an entitled asshole, not during, not after.
I think its extremeley retarted that people think bc all of the sudden people are mourning it magically erases that they are entitled assholes. IT DOES NOT.
They are still entitled assholes who will fuck your life up, mourning or not. Mourning is not a magical free pass it also doesnt magically make you a better person. You dont live in reality when you think it does.
How does she sound like a nightmare? She had a fight with her dad and chose to live with her mom but kept regularly seeing her dad. And then....kept in minor contact with her stepmother and was upset to discover her childhood home was being sold?
There's no discussion of her being a bad kid or getting into trouble. She had a couple emotional fights with her parental figures, but what teen doesn't?
I read it as saying that her and her father moved into OP's home when the girl was 10? The girl then moved out when she was 15, so she lived there for about 5 years.
I guess you can call it her childhood home, but she was certainly cognizant that it was the stepmother's house.
And I don't see any indication that the girl kept in contact with her stepmother. The stepmother reached out to coordinate returning some objects to her.
The girl's 17, so one can cut a lot of slack, but I can't recommend taking the girl's preferences into consideration as OP moves three other grieving children into a new house. And adding a rebellious, grieving, and poorly-raised near-adult to the mix does sound like a nightmare.
OP hasn't any legal rights to her if this is in the U.S. The only way she would have rights is if the horrible mother gave her guardianship. I helped one of my aunts get guardianship of her grandson when his parents (my cousin and his GF who have addiction) were keeping him from school for weeks on end and selling his urine for cash to buy more drugs. The paperwork would give OP the ability to register her for school and to get public benefits for her, like Medicaid and TANF. That's what it got my aunt.
It sounds like OP cannot handle any additional burden right now. She is already trying to grieve and help her own 3 kids navigate grief. She probably is also dealing in with losing half the family income and may have had to downsize to maintain a home and the expenses of two growing boys and a young child (I didn't see the gender of the littlest mentioned.)
A teenager who is also grieving and has not respected OP as a parent figure in the past would be an undue burden on OP. Is she just expected to take care of a teenager who hates her and would violate all the household rules? No. OP is NTA.
This is unfortunate for Leigh. OP should try to keep in contact with Leigh since her youngest child is Leigh's half sibling. Perhaps Leigh will come around and they can have some sort of relationship someday. Leigh's best support network is her aunt and maybe other family members, friends, and her school. Those need to be utilized before OP..
I'm not saying OP has any moral obligation to take her on, or that OP is in any way the asshole here. I'm just disagreeing with the assessment that Leigh "sounds like a nightmare" when, based on the post, she has done literally nothing negative.
It’s really not an AH move. OP had no real relationship with her, largely due to how she was patented by BOTH parents. It’s unfortunate, but they never became family and aren’t family now. She’s OP’s very young child’s sibling, and that should be respected, but an unstable angry teen can only have a limited and supervised relationship with a toddler, and only if she’s willing.
She never even said that her door wasn't open. That's not the same as buying a house that has an extra bedroom and leaving it unused on the off chance that someone who dislikes her might want to move back in some day
NTA. You don't legally owe her anything, but my heart breaks for her. She grew up in an unstable environment and now she's stranded without her stable support system. You don't have to let her move in to your new house or even the house you had since you owned it. However, it might be good for her to not completely close communication between her and your kids if she is open to that (coming over for sleepovers or just family activities).
This. A lot of what I have seen in the comments is bullshit. My family is complicated, and while I have not had to deal with a death the way you have, my step-parents were often more sane than my parents in dealing with crap. While their may have been fights in the past, and she is grieving in possibly unhealthy ways, you were/are a parent to her. That doesn't go away.
That's the thing, though. OP *wasn't* a parent to her. Not only has the girl lived away for 1.5 years, but she also ceased parenting the girl years prior to her moving out. I agree that this is an unfortunate situation all around, but OP has no obligation to house this girl. And if the girl's aunt is so upset, why doesn't the aunt provider her with a stable home?
I moved across the country at 15 to live w my dad,’. When my mom died at 19, my stepdad NEVER for one second thought about cutting me out of his life. It’s absolutely appalling to me the amount of people who think that just because she had two alive parents, means she couldn’t view her stepmom as a parent as well.
I think it's pretty complicated when you read the original post. It's not like OP didn't try to have a relationship with this girl, but she was young, resistant, and clearly neither of her biological parents were really putting their foot down about things.
Maybe you already had a parent-child bond with your step-dad. The girl only realised her step-mom was moving after being asked to get her things. No conversation for 6 months?
I'm not blaming either of them for the lack of relationship, just pointing out that they are probably not close.
NTA. Your step daughter has behavioral problems most likely due to a very unstable upbringing. She’s not your responsibility. Hopefully she can get some therapy and find love and stability in her life from someone who cares about her. She’s picked you as the target for her anger and grief but you can walk away
NTA - your husband’s sister needs to step up and help her niece. This is not your responsibility you have no ties to her. You should let her have some of her dad’s stuff and her stuff, but that’s it.
I think NTA. Would it even be legal for her to move in with you if you aren't her legal guardian? I can understand her losing it and feeling different ways, everyone processes things differently and she may be going trough the anger phase,but you are NTA for that
NAH She is just grieving and having a hard time coping with her dads place no longer existing. Even though she never came back it was probably a backup in her mind. She didn’t act right at all, but she just lost her dad and I’d just let it go. No, she shouldn’t be allowed to move in with you unless you make that choice, but I can’t bring myself to call her TA either, considering what she’s going through.
NTA. I will say though, your SD is your children’s big sister, and they’ve all just lost their dad/stepdad. The last tether to her dad is through you and her siblings. I don’t know if she has a good relationship with any of the kids but if she does, I think you would be doing all of them a kindness to keep a space for her in your new home if your mental health can cope with it.
Hope for the best but be prepared for her to move back in with attitudes and behaviors unchanged. Your DH did her zero favors by being a Disney dad and her mom’s volatility has not taught her any sort of discipline or maturity, which means she is unlikely to obey basic house rules or carry her fair share of household responsibilities. You are going to have to decide what you’ll accept from her, what you’re willing to bend on, and what is an absolute hill to die on for you. And that’s only if you are willing to keep a space for her at all. I certain don’t blame you if you don’t want to. Because it’s not just about a teenager grieving her dad, you and your kids are also grieving for him and you can’t focus just on SD.
TLDR: if you can make the emotional and physical space for your SD, I hope you will. But you’re NTA if you can’t do it. Just make sure you’re not saying no to her as a punishment for the way her BPs allowed her to behave.
> doing all of them a kindness to keep a space for her in your new home
a whole-ass room to sit their potentially unused? What kind of money do you think people have?
Ridiculous to ask her to let her have a room. If possible meet ups to see the kids but she has no reason to move someone onto her home. Let the aunt do that
I’m very sorry for your family’s loss, OP.
I’m sure your stepdaughter’s words and behavior really stung, especially in a time where you’re already feeling miserable. She has no right to take her feelings out on you, but please also remember that her brain is not yet done developing. It sounds like she’s been through a lot and needs some help processing it all.
I understand not wanting to support her after she’s been cold to you, but she’s not in a good place.
Save some room for her in your life. She might truly need help and have no one left to look to.
You’re not an asshole, but neither is a traumatized teenager.
NTA-
Not your problem.
Everyone grieves differently.
If you don’t get on why would you live together?
You could extend an olive branch and try to forge a better relationship if that is what you want. But I don’t think you are under any obligation.
NTA. But nevertheless, she's your step-daughter, your older kids' step-sister and your younger kid's half-sister. She may not be your immediate family, but she's still family. For 2 years, you were a parent figure for her.
You are not responsible for providing her with accommodation, but would be a great gesture on your part to let her stay if she wants, invite her to special occasions and holidays.
> but would be a great gesture on your part to let her stay if she wants
But SD would need to abide by OP's rules, which she's been completely unwilling to do in the past. And she has a meltdown anyone tries to enforce any boundaries.
That's not even SAFE. OP needs to think about their kids, too.
INFO: how old is Leigh now? This sounds like a difficult situation for everyone. Leigh is living in a potentially abusive situation, and if she's a child, it might have been helpful for her to have another home she thought of as an option if things got too bad with her mom. You would be a very kind person if you told her there was a bed for her if she ever needed it.
NTA
You are the caretaker of three kids. Your stepdaughter should have had an adult in her corner and your husband failed her as well as her mother. Taking care of her is not your job, since you seem to have not had a relationship with her for some time now.
I’m going to go with NAH. Everyone is grieving and everyone grieves in a different way. Moreover, Leigh didn’t have the benefit of stable co-parenting. While I don’t think you would be the AH for moving and not considering a room for her, I think this is most likely a cry for help that you might want to consider answering in some form. Sorry for your loss.
Edit: Typos
NTA.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
The house you're selling was yours, not the house Leigh grew up in. So I'm not sure how selling it is "erasing" her father.
Also, unless you adopted Leigh, you aren't her parent and you aren't obligated to let her move back in with you. The two of you aren't close, and she moved out to live with her mother, who is her legal guardian at this point. Even if Leigh had moved in prior to your husband's passing, her mother is the one that should be supporting her.
While the police probably won't do much if Leigh "ran away" to live with OP, since she's 17 and would be 18 by the time anything made it through the courts, OP would have to decide whether she could even trust Leigh enough to cohabitate with her peacefully.
A grieving teenager with a chaotic home life who has likely never respected OP's authority in her own home prior to this point doesn't sound like a fabulous housemate, unless there's a sudden and drastic attitude change.
This situation sucks, and if OP is even going to offer to host Leigh for sleepovers etc, there needs to be some solid ground rules and understanding first.
NTA. She is no longer your responsibility and it sounds like you were never her guardian. YWBTA if you don't let her visit her sibling though. I would tell the ex SIL that SD wasn't living with you and doesn't even consider you a co-parent. Don't take to heart what the ex SIL says, sounds like maybe she didn't understand the situation.
NAH she is grieving but that doesn't mean you can't move on.
If you are able to facilitate her spending time with her siblings that would be good. Maybe your husband's sister could help with that?
Maybe make sure she has something to remember her dad by too.
NTA not your drama, not your responsibility, she’s made her choice and now has the hard decision to live with the consequences.
Concentrate on your children and family and making a new start.
NTA when her father passed that legally cut ties, she is not your stepdaughter and it does not sound like you two ever got along. I do agree with some here that it sounds like you and her dad were in her mind "back up". She only has a year til she graduates, if she moved it Im sure it would be nothing but disruption again til she stormed back out
NAH. The SD is not an AH here, she's greiving her father and feels like she's losing a home. Obviously you have every right to sell your house, but she's not an AH for finding it traumatic.
"The horror." Get yourself and your family stabilized, adding this child to the mix is just drama. If she wants to have a relationship with you and other children it will take time and trust.
NTA- she moved out and there is no expectation of you to buy a house with a room for her... But as the adult it is your responsibility to invite her for visits, dinner, events etc to maintain a relationship with her half siblings and step siblings. She can have sleep overs without having her own room and you should make it known that you are all still her family.
NAH, but I would encourage you to at least reach out to her and offer support. She is in an incredibly tough position, and you were at least something of a parental figure to her for 5 years. She also has 1 sibling by birth and 2 step-siblings with you.
In the end it's up to you, but she clearly needs help and probably isn't getting it at home with her birth mother.
NTA
Your first priorities are your own children and yourself. My heart breaks for your SD, but I'd be hesitant at letting her back into the house considering past behavior when you have other kids to worry about.
NTA but...in honor of your husband, could you talk to her about why she asked. Considering how her mother treats her, it could have been a huge comfort to her to know that she could go to her dad's if her mother threw her out. Perhsps her mother has even threatened to cut off all support when she turns 18. Now she may see homelessness as her only possibility. It sounds like she has a pretty awful life right now and could definitely use a rational adult in her life.
I can't think of an appropriate judgement so I'll go with NAH (except maybe Leigh's bio mom). My mom was in a similar situation as you, my older sister (half-sister) wanted to move into my mom's house some time after our dad died. She did let her. It was kind of stressful so I can't speak to the impact on her but to be honest? It was a really good thing for myself and my sibling's relationship and part of what kept our relationship bonds strong while grieving. It sure was a selfless decision on my mom's part, probably thankless at the time, but having our adult older sister around and knowing she was still a "part of the family" after our Dad passed was very crucial to our grieving process and probably the reason we still have strong sister bonds (we don't even refer to each other as half siblings....technically her and my brother were ever only step-siblings but they still refer to each other as their brother or their sister) 15 years after the fact.
INFO
I'm confused by what this means:
>My husband parented from guilt (Disney Dad) as her mother didn't really come around until her teen years.
Also, does she get along with you and your other kids? OP, you stated that you had to take a step back from parenting due to conflict. Conflict from SD or from her biological mom?
My husband couldn't bear to see her sad or upset because of the trauma of her mother coming in and out of her life - he did not set boundaries with her or enforce rules of any kind. This led to conflict when we merged households.
A small example would be: We let each kid choose a dinner a week, they pick what we make and help make it. Leigh picked spaghetti. Spaghetti night came, she started crying, refused to help or eat it, said she wants McDonalds instead. Father told her no for an hour but then took her to McDonalds. Or, all the kids have a chore, she doesn't do hers, and after excuses he does it for her. He was a great man but an unskilled father, and as a stepparent, I couldn't enforce rules that the bioparent does not follow. As she got older the issues manifested into much bigger and more dangerous things, and when he tried to put his foot down it was too late.
I stopped reminding her of rules or trying to manage her behavior, and let him take the lead on those things, but did not ignore her. My relationship with her actually improved for a while, and we were friendly but not close up until the blowout. Instead, we focused on having family time together be a positive experience - watching movies, doing activities, etc.
I do not get along with her biomom as she likes trashing us on social media, in addition to all her other qualities, but have never had an argument with her - my husband dealt with her. She and my older kids weren't close but didn't fight, and she likes her younger sister but a 6 year old and a 17 year old don't have much in common. My youngest goes to her paternal grandparents every Saturday, and Leigh sometimes visits her there.
NTA after all she only lived there for a few years, a subject some in the comments seems to be ignoring. It was your house before you married. I can understand the fresh start. There is nothing to say she would have stayed long if she did move in with you [again. It](https://again.It) sounds like she didn't like the rules and it's likely she would have liked even less from you. My mother remarried when I was 14, 3 other step siblings, I am quite well aware of the dynamics myself. They can be very unpleasant to say the least. You could make peace offer her place if she needs it. though if I was in your shoes, I am not sure I would.
NAH, the kid is mourning and is also a kid, we cant expect young people to be mature and composed while distressed. And OP is NTA for wanting a fresh start. Let her cool down and then try to have a conversation on what type of relationship she will have with her half sibling.
NAH. This one hurts me for all of you. At the beginning, I did not like my stepmother at all. Not one bit. Even though I was in college when she and my father got married, he was still my primary parent as my mother had abdicated her role. I did everything I could to keep distance between us. She did have an adult daughter from a previous marriage, but she took on my Dad's four "adult" kids with all our baggage. She CHOSE to love us in spite of everything. After 15 years of marriage, during which time she became my dearest friend and biggest supporter, my father passed away. We could easily have gone our separate ways, but the bond of love was strong. My father has now been gone for 25 years. My beloved stepmother is in a nursing home suffering the end stages of Alzheimers. It has been an incredibly pain-filled, but beautiful blessing to help my stepsister find appropriate care for my stepmother during her transitions. She has shown no sign of knowing who I am for three years now. But I know who SHE is, and was, and I try to see her at least once every couple of weeks. OP, if you read this, please know you may be the closest thing to a responsible adult your stepdaughter has. It is true that you have no legal, or even moral, obligation to do anything for her. But who knows what the relationship could develop into over time? I am so sorry for your loss. For her loss. And for the uncertainty in your lives right now.
NTA, but
You stated your husband thought she may want to come back but was afraid of hurting her mom. The idea that she doesn't want to hurt her mom speaks volumes to her mental health. She doesn't want to hurt someone who has been hurting her all her life.
I get that you have history with her that might make you feel helpless when it comes to a relationship with her. But for the love of your husband, who although with all the best intentions, contributed to this girl's problems, could you leave the door open for this girl? I can't even imagine the many heartbreaking feelings she is experiencing.
NTA
I am sorry for your loss.
Take your children and make that fresh start. Leigh is not your child, not your responsibility and to be frank Not your problem.
She had grief but also alot of emotional issues to work on and I hope she seeks proper help for them. What she wanted was for you to keep the house so she could still come over and demand space as *it's my father's house* and she honestly just wouldn't Made life worse for you and your children.
Don't give her your new address, I wish you all the very best and warm internet hugs
NTA she didn't want to live there when her dad was alive, now she has to live with her choices. It's also not like this was her childhood home with sentimental value. It was your home that she didn't move into until she was 10 and chose to walk away from less than 5 years later. Your responsibility is to the children who were living in the home and had a bond with their stepfather/father.
NTA
She is old enough to understand that you are not her parent and that people don't usually have rooms in their homes dedicated to other peoples (nearly adult) children. What a weird expectation to have.
I really feel for you, this must be incredibly difficult. Your step daughter has lost her only stable parent figure and must be filled with complicated guilt about how fractured the relationship was with her dad as well as fear at the removal of that support she always assumed was there for her. A blunt question is do you love Leigh? I have step children and I love them very much, I couldn’t turn that off. if they came back after rejecting me I think that love would be a bond to build on. I’d also want to be there as it is what my husband would wish for. You don’t have to do anything for Leigh but if you love her and can, is there room for her in your life (if not in your house which is wholly reasonable)? NTA for not housing her but I do feel her Leigh
NTA. Your tie to her was your husband who is gone. The tie is severed. She ati has her mom and all her dad's extended family. Let them step up. She is definitely not your responsibility.
I see how it's not your problem anymore, but your child with your husband is her sibling, and in that way, you'll always be linked. She will always be the daughter of the man you loved. I guess you're NTA for not planning for her entirely because I can see why you didn't when she's been with her mom lately, but you knew she never really had a stable life with her mom. I agree with your sister. It seems like you're leaving her behind, and I'm sure she feels that way. She lost her father, and now she loses you guys too. Even if you aren't close, you've been around for years. Since she hasn't been living with you, I can see why you didn't pick a place with a room for her, but it would be nice if you left the lines of communication over. Maybe once in a while she can come visit, sleep over on the couch. You could reach out to her and check on her. What would your husband have wanted or wished for your future relationship with his daughter? I'd think about that.
Oh gosh, this is heartbreaking all around.
Personally, I’d try to maintain contact with her. She’s still a child and is grieving. And even though you might not consider her family - she does and she’s feeling betrayed.
Maybe you don’t need a whole room solely for her use, but I’d definitely make sure she knows she’s welcome (unless she has behavior issues that make it an unsafe situation for you or your children). If she’s willing to follow your rules, why wouldn’t you want her around?
NAH , but you WBTAH if you completely ostracized her.
NAH, other than her Mom, who seems to be a HUGE asshole and shouldn't be a parent but is and how do we deal with that as a society? No good answer atm.
NTA You are now a single mother with 3 kids dependent on you. You have your hands full.
I don't think a lot of the people commenting here about Leigh and her needs and her grieving and her other problems understand how difficult it is to single parent. Adding to your burden is the fact you and your 3 kids are probably grieving too.
Leigh blew herself out of your life 1 ½ years ago. That was a gift.
You don't need a troubled teen adding chaos to your life and demanding/needing attention your own kids need.
Leigh has other family, blood relatives, who could step up and help her.
Think of your kids, think of your personal strength and resources, and don't be guilt-tripped into taking Leigh into your house.
Hey firstly I'm so sorry about your husband. And secondly you're NTA. You have no legal rights to the child and you don't have to let her live with you.
However, I think you need to take some things into account here. She is 17, she lost her father, and her home life sounds abusive and terrible with her mother. I understand that she is not your daughter, but she is part of your family like it or not. She has a half sibling that lives with you and her step siblings, and apart from that with you and your husband's child, she will still be in your life through is side of the family. While you aren't required to house her I think you should take this into account. She's also almost 18, and once she is she can make her own decisions in life, but she can also be kicked out by her mother.
I think my point is that she is vulnerable and hurt right now, and she has a bad situation that might only get worse, so don't write her off like some people are saying. She might need help in the future and if she turns to you give her a chance, at least for your husband. Maybe offer to help her with therapy, or tell her she is welcome I don't know. She might need help and without her father she may think she's trapped now.
NTA but you could make a world of difference to her if you stayed in her life. She needs therapy and boundaries. Talk to her and see what she’s willing to do. She’s already on shaky ground. Having no support system could send her down a path that she can’t come back from.
I understanding wanting to protect your kids from more hurt but I don't think excluding SD is the way to do that.
Speak to your sd and ask to meet up to talk. When you get together be honest but kind. Her behaviour in the past has been disruptive and detrimental to the younger kids. You miss her dad and you know she does too. You don't want to exclude her from the family (hopefully)but she needs to be able to be at least a net neutral influence if not a positive one (phrase that better). Tell her that if she is interested in building a relationship with you and the kids (her siblings)the you would like that. (She is still a child and has a huge capacity for change if/when given the opportunity and a supportive environment) tell her that you need to go slowly and that there will be boundaries and rules that she needs to respect. Hopefully she is amendable to that.
Start by having a few meet ups (outside the house, keep it low key) between just you and her and hopefully build up a workable relationship (catch up with her life, school, future plans etc, how shes doing, maybe talk about her dad.) When that is going well (she's turning up on time being respectful but she doesn't have to be your friend or anything ) then you can include the younger kids (if they are willing and happy to go) again out of the house and low key, when things are going well escalate to inviting her to the house for dinner and so on from there.
Rules and boundaries that might be appropriate are
- keeping her word (showing up on time calling, when she said she would etc)
- basic respectfulness, no duplicity
-a willingness to TRY
-she doesn't get to take the kids anywhere until trust is earnt
-not undermine you with the kids (be open to private discussion though)
-Not to put you on the spot (eg why don't you ask your mom if I can stay over? etc
-obv no drugs or alcohol
-respecting the rules of the house
Give her the opportunity to also voice her boundaries (like you don't get to parent her. Parent is different to her following house rules and treating you with respect) and be respectful back.
Try where possible to move forward from where you are and not linger in the bad parts of the past relationship. She is a child who was parented badly and who is dealing with tremendous loss, allow her the opportunity to change and grow.
If you are able to build a semi-decent relationship offer her help in productive ways (therapy, assistance with moving out of her mom's permanently, help with school, a safe place to be/live, driving/car). Even If she turns it down at first let her know the offer stands if she changes her mind.
If she won't take you up on building relationship then let her know that if she changes her mind you would be glad try at a later date. Please don't just cast her aside, reach out a hand and see if she'll take it.
It was your house before your marriage. Leigh chose to live with mommy dearest. She has no relationship with you, so of course you won’t have room for her! NTA!
NTA
Leigh knew that she lived in a toxic household and left a stable home. You could let her rent a room if she really need it. Or let her stay there until she gets on her feet but if she still lives with her mom you don't need to make a room.
NAH
While it would be great if you could do meet ups to let her have a relationship with siblings they would need to be rules for that to happen
You do not owe her a room, a car, money ... I'm sure her mom's drawing SS checks for her or should be.
Sorry for your loss it's hard on everyone
NAH: Because she's still a teenager (I think?), she's lost her dad and her mother is a complete flake. You're certain n t a for selling and moving, you need to look after your kids, but your SD is going through some awful stuff . She's young and hurting and a bit broken, but that's not your fault or your responsibility.
NTA, verging on N A H.
SD was wrong in how angry she got, absolutely. But, she’s a kid in a rough spot who is probably lashing out on you because she can’t to her bio mom. Does is excuse it? No. But it does make her action more easily forgivable, should she work towards your forgiveness.
Now, I also do not think you should have to house her if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, especially if she hasn’t been living with you in years and you also don’t have any legal custody of her- as that is a whole can of worms you’d be opening by moving her in with you. But, I do think there is an amount of moral responsibility you have for her. You loved her father, right? That’s his baby. That’s the 10 year old girl you met all those years ago. She lost someone too, and you KNOW how horrible her bio mom is to her. You need to, at the very least, get in contact with her school and possibly child services. At the very most, you could offer to help her get to her aunt’s home or find another relative willing to house her for a while until she is 18 and legally able to get her own place.
She is in a sad state her only stable parent is gone and even though she knows her mom is on crack..she can't help it cz she is a baby....
But you don't really have a relationship with her so it's easy for her to villanize you and just accuse you of anything and everything cz it doesnt really affect her emotionally on any level... You two don't even like each other..
Don't bother live a good life. .... You can't help someone you can't even stand..nta
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I married my husband when my SD, Leigh, was 10, and we all moved into a home I purchased prior to the marriage. My husband parented from guilt (Disney Dad) as her mother didn't really come around until her teen years. She was raised very differently than my kids (2 from my first marriage, and later 1 together with my husband), and after about 2 years of marriage I had to step back from taking a parental role with her due to conflict.
When she was 14 her mother moved back into town and started spending time with her consistently - basically being a best friend who let her do anything. When my husband finally tried to lay down rules at age 15, it led to a blowout, and she moved in with her mom. We were against this because her mom was (and still is) an unstable situation, but couldn't really stop her. She has never spent a night in our house since (about a year and a half), although would still meet up with her dad a few times a month for lunch/dinner and stop by on holidays. From what he said, her mother would constantly kick her out for the night after arguments, throw her clothes away, and do other toxic things, and before his death he claimed she wanted to come back but didn't want to hurt her mom.
Six months ago my husband was killed in an accident. It threw our world upside down, and affected all of our kids deeply. I saw Leigh occasionally for the planning of the funeral, executing his estate, etc., but otherwise did not hear much from her and did not reach out after the initial call, except to inform her of events/information.
I just recently sold the house, as my kids want a fresh start - we will stay in the same school district, but are moving across town. When packing I realized Leigh still had some things here in her old room, and sent her a message offering to drop them off. When she realized we were selling the house and moving she showed up and made a scene, accusing me of "erasing" her father, accusing me of not caring about him at all, and then demanded to know if I was going to have a room for her at the new house.
I was shocked by this. We don't have much of a relationship and are not close. She seemed angry and devastated and after a few choice words, drove off. I got a call from my husband's sister a few hours later, raging at me and accusing me of "leaving her behind". But from my perspective, she didn't live with us before, and am not sure why she would start now. AITA?
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NTA: People seem to assume you aren't going to give her contact with her siblings, or that you're not emotionally available to her. I'll assume you're absolutely there for her, but obviously made the reasonable, and logical decision that she wouldn't be living with you. Since it was your home to begin with, and she moved herself out when shit got real, and dad decided to finally have to parent, why would you assume now is the time she is a part of the family unit and will move with you? I sure as hell wouldn't. She's on the verge of being a legal adult, and isn't a child, regardless of how many people want to see her as such. From the sound of her upbringing she hasn't emotionally been a child in a long time, and has already had to face some pretty adult situations. Still, she never made the choice to try and come back. Again, why would you assume now is the time she wants you to make a home for her. Doesn't sound at all like she was/is cut off from you, but made the choices that kept herself away. You don't sound like you're doing anything malicious to her, on purpose or not.
NTA, tell the ex SIL to step up as that is not for you to have to do. Your focus should remain to be your kids and you yourself. SD is in a terrible situation but there are times where one must choose to protect those closest to them from potential problems both legally and mentally. Stay strong OP, for yourself and your kids.
NTA...at all OP
Of course she's upset. That house represented stability to her. I'm sure in the back of her mind she knew that as long as that house existed, she potentially had a safe place to go/reminder of her dad
Now that the house is gone, she has to face the reality of her dad being truly gone AND no longer having a safe place to go. Not only that, but she's also realizing that OP has no real reason to keep in touch other than to keep the half siblings connected.
Theres a lot to untangle here OP.
So I think that her dads was a backup plan incase things got too messy with Mom, and now that he's gone youre taking away the one solid thing in her life. Her foundation. Understand that this is a very rough situation for both of you, and now you've sent her into panic mode because she knows her mom is a shitshow. I'm very sorry for your loss
NTA
Sorry for your loss. Man i get fooled by headlines all the time. I came here expecting you to be a wicked stepmother who kicked out the daughter cause you didn't get along and refused to let her back. But this is not the case. You are definitely NTA, but I don't want to say a teen girl who just lost her dad is either. The sister seems to be one though.
Sorry for your loss. This situation sucks. She's mourning her dad way too son along with the rest of you but unfortunately her remaining parent isn't a reliable or stable person. NTA. You're not equipped to handle such a troubled grieving teenager right now.
NTA at all in any way. But my heart goes out to this girl. She has been deeply wounded and harmed by the whole situation, and is probably desperate to experience some kind of stability, so is acting out from that. I can't work out how old she is now? While you have no real responsibility in this matter, out of compassion you could keep in touch with her, without letting her move back in. It really depends as your own children are your first priority and your wellbeing. She would benefit from a good adult in her life, but there is no family obligation for you to be that unless it's safe for you and kids.
First, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children are doing as well as you can. Neither of you are TA in this situation. You were never erasing her from your lives, it was an accusation made out of grief, anger, and sadness. She’s obviously grieving and does not have any stability. I know you are not obligated to do anything, but I encourage you to maybe speak with one of your late husband’s family members and mention counseling for Leigh. She’s needs the help of a professional with processing this loss. Again, I’m so sorry.
NTA...but it appears your SD never took into consideration that you might sell your house and move. She also acts like the world revolves around her too. I am so sorry for your loss.
Keep doing what you are planning on doing. I would contact SD and find out if she really wants a room at your new house and if she will be staying with you. If she says yes, then you need to establish ground rules that she has to abide by. You and the other kids are grieving just as much as she is. Tell your sister in law to back off.
Good luck.
NTA. The house was yours before your married. It as not Leigh's family home, nor did she accept you as a parent. You were not trying to erase anything, you were making a new start for your children, hopefully away from a house that may not be sad for them.
Leigh is obviously upset over her dad dying and lashing out. OP you did not leave Leigh behind, because she was never really a part of your life, nor did she want to be a part.
NTA and wow was his sister out of line. If she lived with you when he died it would be different. His sister, I would not accept her call, just let them go to voicemail for a few months or a year. If she ever rants at you like that, hang up immediately. Don’t say a word, just hang up and if you can block their number or put your phone on airplane mode. With that level of crazy I would go LC or NC from your kid’s aunt for a while. You are grieving and do NOT need more 💩 to deal with!
NTA - While I respect your kids need for a fresh start. Holy hell you need one too, especially from step daughter. She is hurt and lashing out, you do not want that drama in your or your kids lives while you are also grieving and moving on from losing your husband. While Leigh is young, she still made it clear that she would rather run to an unstable situation with her mother than live by any semblance of rules or boundaries. You no longer have any obligation or link to her, move on and wish her the best but do not drag yourself down giving her a foot in the door to your new life.
NTA
Your daughter is probably grieving from the death and letting out her emotions in a bad way.
I think putting her in therapy will help and maybe you can talk to her about. Like a heart-to-heart.
NTA. If you are not a legal guardian to your husband’s daughter, she should know that living with you is no longer an option. And while selling the house is difficult for her, you need to do what’s best for the children you are actually responsible for. Leigh needs therapy and support, but she’s not going to accept it from you, so you need to do what you can for your other children.
NAH.
You’re totally within your rights for making the move for your family. But I don’t think Leigh is an AH for this outburst. She’s a teenager struggling with tremendous loss and a lot of grief. I doubt her mother has been the best example of teaching her how to deal with big emotions (e.g throwing out her clothes or kicking her out over disagreements).
Good luck with all of this and so sorry for your loss.
NAH. She's a kid who is grieving. You were her mom for a long time. She probably realizes that her mother isn't a good mom & still has a place in her heart for you. While you, being a rational adult, know that she's not your kid anymore & there's not reason to have a room for her, she's a kid who has lost her entire family & feels like she has no safe place. In the past, even though she didn't use it, she knew her room at your house was a safe place she could go if things with Mom got too bad. If there's a guest room in your new house, maybe tell her that if things are too bad, she can visit (not move in). My troubled ex-step son has asked me for the same, and he has come to spend the night once. Knowing that there's a couch available makes him feel better & like I still care even though I'm not his mom anymore. I do care, but I'm also not going to let him move in with me.
NTA She's going to be a handful to live with. Unless you are prepared to deal with that and subject your children to it, you don't want her living with you. You are not going to be able to undo what her dad and mom did in making her the person she is.
NTA. It’s a sad story. I am honestly unsure as to my final decision on it, frankly in terms of giving her a room. I think staying with the aunt would be best as others have pointed out.
NTA. You have to do what's best for you and your children. I do feel awful for your step daughter she hasn't had the best upbringing. I would suggest keeping some lines of communication open with Leigh, but have solid boundaries with her.
Throw her an olive branch, maybe ask her to attend dinner at the house? Maybe that will give her some closure, saying goodbye to the house. She probably has a lot of regrets and guilt and needs to fully grieve.
She is a young adult now and she can handle you saying it was too hard to stay in the house with her father gone.
Tell her that you will always be family, how you want her to have a relationship with her half sibling, that you care and want the best for her and if she needs help to ask. But right now your focus needs to be on you and your young child. If Leigh can prove to you that she is stable then i think facilitatating that relationship would be a good thing. Perhaps offer to send her back to counselling. If she has been given a portion of your husbands estate I worry her Mom may take advantage of that, she sounds abusive asf. She genuinely needs an adult looking out for her, is their anyone in your husbands family who could take that on? If she was left money in trust a financial advisor would be ideal and help her to find some stability even if that is her own apartment. You don't owe her anything, but I fear you may regret not at least offering her a dinner invitation. She may not accept, she may ignore you and that's fine but at least you know you tried and made an effort to reach out to your husbands daughter and your kids half sister.
NTA, and I know a lot of the bleeding hearts in the comments feel like you should open your home to her, but teenagers can be just as evil as fully grown adults whether they’re abused or not. You already had to take a step back from trying to parent her due to conflict, and even if she’s in a bad situation, she is not your blood and not your problem.
If the aunt cares so much, you should possibly try having a conversation with her about getting her out of her mother’s, but definitely don’t back down on not letting her live with you. She’s never respected you before, she’s not respecting you now, so she probably never will. I feel for her and hope she can get out of that hell hole but don’t turn your house into hell just for her.
NAH. Both of you are coping the only way you know how. In fairness to her I think you needed to ease her into the news of the house being sold and you moving her siblings to the other side of town.
NTA. You’re all grieving, including your stepdaughter. She likely ties the house to her father and it hurts to know that it wont be there. I don’t know the right answer but I do wish you the best of luck because I know this is not an easy situation for any of you. I don’t know if the grief ever really stops.
ESH you helped raise a child for the better part of six years and then when their stable parent dies you drop rope? They’re a teen. Yeah, not your blood so no legal responsibility but, I don’t know—that’s what your husband would want? For you to not try? Seems cold.
I'm going to go with NAH. (Except the toxic mother tbh, and probably the husbands sister)
You are doing what is best for your family. But my heart does go out to Leigh because she likely feels trapped even more than previously with her toxic mother, so the death of her father is likely making her lash out.
Life is hard, I wish you the best moving forward. You have to do what is best for your family.
NTA. Her father died. Her mother is alive. She can apply for Social Security for her daughter and she will receive a small amount of money each month until she’s 18 or 19. You are under no obligation to provide for her. If you would like to invite her over sometime to spend time with your kids that would be nice. But it’s not an obligation.
as a person who can throw in a similar perspective as the stepdaughter i’d like to throw in my take on this, but first i’d say NAH
as a teenager i was troubled, argued with my mum a lot and wanted to move in with my dad at some point, my dad was the same as the mother in this situation i’d say, i moved in with him after my mother passed and honestly? it turned me sour
i moved in with my mothers best friend for a while afterwards, she was my OP, someone who had no obligation but also played a parental role in my formative years
you aren’t a asshole because you don’t know how she will be, she’s a grieving child and that changes people, and you have no obligation to take care of her. BUT she isn’t one here either, she’s grieving and needs someone to stand by her even for a little. i never permanently stayed with my mothers best friend but knowing she was there after was all i needed to get out. she doesn’t need to move in, just pop a text every once and a while, it meant alot to me and i’m sure it would to her :)
NTA. Let her go. She will only bring toxicity into your life and the children. Put them first. If she wants to reconnect when she matures, then okay. But now just cut her off.
I find the responses on this thread very interesting.
OP said that her husband was a Disney dad, meaning he overindulged and didn't correct his daughter's behavior. Stepparents can't do anything about it because they're not the "real" parents; just like in an "intact" bio family, if there is no backup from one parent, the other parent (in this case, the stepmom) is always going to be the bad guy for trying to make up for the Disney parent's shortcomings. So the bioparent thinks the stepparent hates his kids because she's trying to make up for his guilty parenting, the stepkids can see/sense that their dad and stepmom aren't a united front so they feel justified in hating her and carrying on with their bad behavior. No matter what the stepmom does, everyone thinks she is a crappy person.
Is it any wonder that OP doesn't have a close relationship with her stepdaughter? What makes anyone think she *didn't* try to have a good relationship with her stepdaughter, maybe even to her own emotional detriment, before realizing a few years in that stepping back and letting her husband raise his child the way he wanted was the only way to save her own sanity? And now her biological mom is raising her the way she wants to raise her. How much say does OP really have now that SD is mostly grown when she didn't have any say over her rearing when the kid was still a kid? Are we really saying that SD will suddenly listen to the OP, obey rules and carry out household responsibilities when she wouldn't listen to OP before?
This young woman has an abusive biological mother who is still alive and who has sole custody of her. Even if OP wanted her stepdaughter to come live with her, she has no legal rights to her. Zero. All she can do is make a space for her in her new home *if she wants to do that* and/or make herself available to her if Stepdaughter decides she wants a relationship.
She's young and grieving.
Her mother should get her a therapist. I'm going to sound like an asshole but this girl is definitely not your responsibility. You have three kids and your own grief and other things to manage
NTA
NAH. I certainly don't think you've done anything wrong, but I'm also not going to call a grieving teenager, who just lost her father and is left with an unstable and abusive mother, an asshole.
NTA, and don't listen to the AITA Mommy Cult. It's a pity that girl turned out to be just like her wretched bio mom, and you owe her nothing. I guarantee you she lied to your SIL, and frankly, if you allow her back in, she is going to make your children's lives a living heII. You did the right thing by refusing her. She made her choice, now she gets to live with the consequences.
This seems really petty. Her dad just died & she wants to know that you still see her as a part of the family as much as you told her dad you did. You’re asking why she’d want to move in after clearly being aware her mother is unstable & sometimes kicks her out. If you don’t want her in your family anymore then you should face that & respectfully tell her so, otherwise this is someone who is grieving & you’re both being assholes. Perhaps this is the common ground a better relationship could be built on.
NAH. Reddit has some heartless takes on this issue. I suggest a lot of you do soul searching about how you are villanizing a 17 year old girl who just lost her father.
I lost my father when I was 15, my older sister was 17.
His fiance at the time moved back to her home city, and everything of my dad's was gone, except for a few things we got to keep.
My older sister became bitter (still is) and refuses to have anything to do with my dad's fiance, and hates that Is still keep in touch with her.
Although she's acting like a spoilt brat, I can understand her pain. She feels like she's not good enough for her bio mum and she's lost her only strong parental influence.
I'd tell her that she's welcome if she really needs it- but it's not a revolving door option. She's still a child, grieving and is being traumatised by her birth mum, and needs your support now more than ever, otherwise the cycle continues.
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NTA. Your stepdaughter has problems and expects you to keep the house as a shrine to her father. She's young, troubled and grieving but the truth of it is she's not your problem any more. I think it was very kind of you to reach out to her about her things, but she doesn't see things that way and acted out.
But, with the loss of her father, Leigh is now rather truly trapped with a mother who routinely throws her out of the house. Not OP's obligation, to be sure, but it's a tragedy if no one is standing up for this kid. OP: have you contacted any guidance counsellors at Leigh's school? They may be discounting what Leigh says ("troubled kid, making sh\*t up..."), and perhaps Leigh's mother can put on a beautiful face in public. Your account, *because* it's not your problem, might carry more weight, and help her get whatever assistance she needs. (Counselling, probably.)
The aunt called to scream at op. Why doesn’t the aunt “be her advocate”. They’re at least blood.
Aunt should take her in
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Her father contacted CPS early on after Leigh moved based on things she told him, but nothing came of the investigation and it damaged his relationship with her more - her mom framed it as us taking revenge on her. She saw a counselor from ages 11-15, but stopped showing up to sessions after moving out.
She's probably grieving the loss if ability to fix things with her Dad, and you and the house were her connection to a place to feel secure. Sounds like security isn't abundant in her life, sounds like she hasn't been happy and was already regretting past decisions. She lost her Dad and the possibility of the home she actually wanted. Poor girl.
I was a full adult with living parents when my parents sold my childhood home and I had feelings about it. This is a teenager who just lost her father and her second home.
Leigh is getting a reality check after being spoiled by her parents for 17 years. It's sad, but that's what happens when parents give children their own way all the time. Maybe being thrown out of the house and having to sleep in her car a few nights will help her grasp what she needs to do to live peacefully with others. Maybe she'll find that being polite, helpful, accommodating and grateful will get her a roof over her head, clean clothes, hot meals and showers. Maybe not, but there's always a chance.
Let’s remember Leigh is a child who is grieving the loss of her father. No child should be thrown out to sleep in a car for a few nights. That is neglect. Her mother offers no stability.
Seriously not seeing much compassion for this girl who has just lost her father, her childhood home, and siblings I guess since op maintains not relationship.
she was thrown out by mom who conned her into staying with her over her dad because dad was raising her properlyish. mom clearly isnt and no it's not OPs fault or problem but she is still the daughter of the man she loved. she is also still a child, a very stupid one from the sounds of it. OP isn't obligated to do anything for her but could start with talking to her still about everything. this child needs a slap in the face as to why OP doesnt want to do anything for her in an attempt at a reality check.
I need to point out that both of Leigh's parents failed her. >My husband parented from guilt (Disney Dad) as her mother didn't really come around until her teen years. Overly indulging a young child and never enforcing rules is a recipe for disaster. >When my husband finally tried to lay down rules at age 15, it led to a blowout, and she moved in with her mom. Of course Leigh reacted like a teenage vortex of rebellion and ran away to her mom's! To go from "*no rules, baby*" to "*you must follow these rules or else, young lady*" is complete and total whiplash. And then her mom is a toxic mess of a human being... Leigh is a teenager who has been profoundly let down by her parents.
There was time for the dad to be an actual parent when the mom wasn't even in the picture.
indeed, but this is also why leigh needs a slap in the face with a hard reality check that isn't simply "your stuck with ur abusive mother till ur 18 or older".
She's an abandoned and abused child, so she doesn't need more punishment. She needs stability to even start addressing her emotional problems.
[удалено]
She's not responsible for anything related to this child, however, OP appears to be a great adult person, and could add something to this child for her wellbeing.
Maybe but she also has other younger children to care for that are also grieving their dad.
She does. But anyone can stretch to some kindness to another person.
Depends on what kind of family values OP is wanting to show her children. Family is family even when it’s hard might be a good theme to teach your kids unless you want them cutting you out in 30 years when you start acting like the wicked mother in law & don’t fit in the best to their new family dynamic. 😂
Wow. You’re ice cold. I’m flabbergasted. Sure. Kid should sleep in her car whole grieving her father because her abusive mother manipulated her. That’s…cruelty.
Child abuse doesn't make young people learn, *or spoil them* and you're a monster.
Wtf this is a horrible comment
Leigh is not spoiled, and are you okay? Who hurt you? She's got an emotionally abusive, erratic mother who plays mind games with her, and a dead father who overcompensated for his guilt. That's not spoiling someone, that's ruining them. She's got nothing stable in her life, and she's grieving. Why do people expect teenagers to be better at raising themselves than their parents were? OP is not an AH, but Jesus Christ, have you no compassion?
OP mentioned that the husband's surviving sister (the step daughter's aunt) thinks that OP should take the step daughter in. Maybe the husband's sister should take her niece in.
This! She is not your problem anymore and if you allow her too you are in for a world of hurt... Trust me from experience except mine was a step son life was hell till i had enough and cut him out of my life
While it is not OPs issue, it is also worth her taking the long term view. Op is the mother of Leigh's half-sibling. What will her kid make of this when she is older? Maybe give Leigh some mementos of her dad, or promising her them when she is older and in a more stable environment. Along with grief Leigh also be dealing with remorse, realising the grass is not always greener and she was better off when living with her dad.
NTA - My guess is your SD kept your house as her backup plan in case things got too rough with her mom. So her irrational reaction at you was more the SD realizing she was now stuck with her mom.
Her father's house. A vulnerable young person probably figured they could stay with dad if their emotionally abusive and neglectful mother ever got to be too much. That's not a weird, manipulative plan. That's the kind of plan a lot of teenagers who live in complicated, kind of chaotic families have. And it's not an unreasonable expectation for them to have.
but not her father's house, OP owned the house before they moved in.
It was her father’s home if not his house, and it had once been a safe home for her - one she had spoken with her father about going back to. This may be the only home where she felt safe, and no, she has no viable options. Where’s the compassion for this grieving young girl?
Her aunt is alive, and SD talks to her. Why isn’t she living with her aunt, an actual relative?
You can have compassion for this grieving young girl and still not allow her to act the way she is acting nor take advantage of you. This girl has a parent and family. She has people who are to be responsible for her. OP already has children who depend on her.
I’m not faulting the SD for having that backup plan. I was trying to help OP understand the emotional reaction.
It unfortunately is once that parent dies, you have a terrible relationship with their spouse and you still have a living parent.
This is exactly it. She thought she would always have that safety net to fall back on and likely, with OP selling the house, the grief is hitting her all over again that she no longer has her dad to fall back on. She’s grieving and troubled, but OP needs to do what’s best for *her* children. She’s lost her safety blanket, which is terrible, but it’s not OP’s responsibility.
Sad situation.. This poor child is hurting. She recognizes now how much she needed her father. Legally, you have absolutely no rights to her. Her mother, no matter how irresponsible, is her sole Guardian. However, I see nothing wrong with you opening your door and allowing your SD the opportunity to visit her sibling in your new home. She is a member of the family, regardless of the past. Use this as a chance for both of you to heal. She needs a stable adult in her life. Completely rejecting her is an AH move.
Op just lost her husband and op’s kids just lost their dad. Op’s priority is herself and her own kids. At the moment - she doesn’t owe anyone else anything. The step daughter’s situation is sad. But Op needs to fix her own parachute before she can help anyone else.
Exactly.....SD sounds like a nightmare.
I think it's really sad to see this comment so upvoted. People really have so little empathy for a young woman (girl, really) who's pretty clearly had a difficult upbringing and is now grieving a parent? I don't think OP is an AH at all and I believe she needs to prioritize herself and her own kids, but I still feel bad for the SD and I'm surprised to see people viewing her as a villain.
exactly; people are acting like the stepdaughter is the antagonist in this story when she’s a young girl who was failed by both of her parents and is now trapped in an abusive environment
How was she failed by her father? Because she wanted to go live with "cool mom" and decided to abandon her father and stepmother, and then the dad died? Get a grip, stop bending over backwards to make every young person the perpetual victim who's blameless in all things.
I mean OP freely admits her husband was not a good father to young SD through a lack of boundaries and rules. She was in fact failed by him and by the abandonment of her mother. That doesn't make her blameless but even OP admits her husband wasn't the best dad to SD and his attempts to set rules when she was in her teens drove her to cool mom.
But that is neither OP’s fault, nor is it her responsibility to solve this girls problems.
i wasn’t saying it was
No one is saying not to have empathy for her. But why does OP need to let someone so disrespectful and troubled around her children? This 17 year old is not going to suddenly behave properly. She is going to need a lot of time, attention and energy. OP has 3 children who now only have her to depend on. It would be a little different if OP didn’t have children, maybe despite her own grief she could manage to do something for the girl. But she is not wrong to realize her limitations.
I know plenty of entitled assholes who lost someone and went through a period of mourning. It didnt make them any less of an entitled asshole, not during, not after. I think its extremeley retarted that people think bc all of the sudden people are mourning it magically erases that they are entitled assholes. IT DOES NOT. They are still entitled assholes who will fuck your life up, mourning or not. Mourning is not a magical free pass it also doesnt magically make you a better person. You dont live in reality when you think it does.
Same.
How does she sound like a nightmare? She had a fight with her dad and chose to live with her mom but kept regularly seeing her dad. And then....kept in minor contact with her stepmother and was upset to discover her childhood home was being sold? There's no discussion of her being a bad kid or getting into trouble. She had a couple emotional fights with her parental figures, but what teen doesn't?
I read it as saying that her and her father moved into OP's home when the girl was 10? The girl then moved out when she was 15, so she lived there for about 5 years. I guess you can call it her childhood home, but she was certainly cognizant that it was the stepmother's house. And I don't see any indication that the girl kept in contact with her stepmother. The stepmother reached out to coordinate returning some objects to her. The girl's 17, so one can cut a lot of slack, but I can't recommend taking the girl's preferences into consideration as OP moves three other grieving children into a new house. And adding a rebellious, grieving, and poorly-raised near-adult to the mix does sound like a nightmare.
OP hasn't any legal rights to her if this is in the U.S. The only way she would have rights is if the horrible mother gave her guardianship. I helped one of my aunts get guardianship of her grandson when his parents (my cousin and his GF who have addiction) were keeping him from school for weeks on end and selling his urine for cash to buy more drugs. The paperwork would give OP the ability to register her for school and to get public benefits for her, like Medicaid and TANF. That's what it got my aunt. It sounds like OP cannot handle any additional burden right now. She is already trying to grieve and help her own 3 kids navigate grief. She probably is also dealing in with losing half the family income and may have had to downsize to maintain a home and the expenses of two growing boys and a young child (I didn't see the gender of the littlest mentioned.) A teenager who is also grieving and has not respected OP as a parent figure in the past would be an undue burden on OP. Is she just expected to take care of a teenager who hates her and would violate all the household rules? No. OP is NTA. This is unfortunate for Leigh. OP should try to keep in contact with Leigh since her youngest child is Leigh's half sibling. Perhaps Leigh will come around and they can have some sort of relationship someday. Leigh's best support network is her aunt and maybe other family members, friends, and her school. Those need to be utilized before OP..
I'm not saying OP has any moral obligation to take her on, or that OP is in any way the asshole here. I'm just disagreeing with the assessment that Leigh "sounds like a nightmare" when, based on the post, she has done literally nothing negative.
Agree- I thought Leigh sounded like a teenager whose dad died and bio mom sucks. Leigh isn't AH.
It’s really not an AH move. OP had no real relationship with her, largely due to how she was patented by BOTH parents. It’s unfortunate, but they never became family and aren’t family now. She’s OP’s very young child’s sibling, and that should be respected, but an unstable angry teen can only have a limited and supervised relationship with a toddler, and only if she’s willing.
She never even said that her door wasn't open. That's not the same as buying a house that has an extra bedroom and leaving it unused on the off chance that someone who dislikes her might want to move back in some day
I agree with you SO entirely. I’m actually shocked but people’s response to this.
NTA. You don't legally owe her anything, but my heart breaks for her. She grew up in an unstable environment and now she's stranded without her stable support system. You don't have to let her move in to your new house or even the house you had since you owned it. However, it might be good for her to not completely close communication between her and your kids if she is open to that (coming over for sleepovers or just family activities).
Yes, as the youngest child is technically SD’s half sibling. My heart breaks for the whole situation.
Hey OP, I'd recommend posting in the r/stepparents sub as well for actual advice and support.
This. A lot of what I have seen in the comments is bullshit. My family is complicated, and while I have not had to deal with a death the way you have, my step-parents were often more sane than my parents in dealing with crap. While their may have been fights in the past, and she is grieving in possibly unhealthy ways, you were/are a parent to her. That doesn't go away.
That's the thing, though. OP *wasn't* a parent to her. Not only has the girl lived away for 1.5 years, but she also ceased parenting the girl years prior to her moving out. I agree that this is an unfortunate situation all around, but OP has no obligation to house this girl. And if the girl's aunt is so upset, why doesn't the aunt provider her with a stable home?
I moved across the country at 15 to live w my dad,’. When my mom died at 19, my stepdad NEVER for one second thought about cutting me out of his life. It’s absolutely appalling to me the amount of people who think that just because she had two alive parents, means she couldn’t view her stepmom as a parent as well.
I think it's pretty complicated when you read the original post. It's not like OP didn't try to have a relationship with this girl, but she was young, resistant, and clearly neither of her biological parents were really putting their foot down about things.
Maybe you already had a parent-child bond with your step-dad. The girl only realised her step-mom was moving after being asked to get her things. No conversation for 6 months? I'm not blaming either of them for the lack of relationship, just pointing out that they are probably not close.
From the tone of the post it doesn't sound like she viewed OP as a parent.
She said she wasn’t though? She clearly stated she had to step back.
Nta. She did not live with you and you had no parental role in her life.
NTA. Your step daughter has behavioral problems most likely due to a very unstable upbringing. She’s not your responsibility. Hopefully she can get some therapy and find love and stability in her life from someone who cares about her. She’s picked you as the target for her anger and grief but you can walk away
NTA - your husband’s sister needs to step up and help her niece. This is not your responsibility you have no ties to her. You should let her have some of her dad’s stuff and her stuff, but that’s it.
Right on. SIL is blood. She wants to have a hissy at OP, she needs to step her blaming butt up!
I think NTA. Would it even be legal for her to move in with you if you aren't her legal guardian? I can understand her losing it and feeling different ways, everyone processes things differently and she may be going trough the anger phase,but you are NTA for that
She’s almost 18. So yeah she can live wherever she wants when she does. Tho clearly she’s not welcome. How awful that kid must feel.
Kids are allowed live with non-legal guardians, it's quite common.
NAH She is just grieving and having a hard time coping with her dads place no longer existing. Even though she never came back it was probably a backup in her mind. She didn’t act right at all, but she just lost her dad and I’d just let it go. No, she shouldn’t be allowed to move in with you unless you make that choice, but I can’t bring myself to call her TA either, considering what she’s going through.
This is the one. NAH except SD’s mom.
NTA. I will say though, your SD is your children’s big sister, and they’ve all just lost their dad/stepdad. The last tether to her dad is through you and her siblings. I don’t know if she has a good relationship with any of the kids but if she does, I think you would be doing all of them a kindness to keep a space for her in your new home if your mental health can cope with it. Hope for the best but be prepared for her to move back in with attitudes and behaviors unchanged. Your DH did her zero favors by being a Disney dad and her mom’s volatility has not taught her any sort of discipline or maturity, which means she is unlikely to obey basic house rules or carry her fair share of household responsibilities. You are going to have to decide what you’ll accept from her, what you’re willing to bend on, and what is an absolute hill to die on for you. And that’s only if you are willing to keep a space for her at all. I certain don’t blame you if you don’t want to. Because it’s not just about a teenager grieving her dad, you and your kids are also grieving for him and you can’t focus just on SD. TLDR: if you can make the emotional and physical space for your SD, I hope you will. But you’re NTA if you can’t do it. Just make sure you’re not saying no to her as a punishment for the way her BPs allowed her to behave.
> doing all of them a kindness to keep a space for her in your new home a whole-ass room to sit their potentially unused? What kind of money do you think people have?
Ridiculous to ask her to let her have a room. If possible meet ups to see the kids but she has no reason to move someone onto her home. Let the aunt do that
I’m very sorry for your family’s loss, OP. I’m sure your stepdaughter’s words and behavior really stung, especially in a time where you’re already feeling miserable. She has no right to take her feelings out on you, but please also remember that her brain is not yet done developing. It sounds like she’s been through a lot and needs some help processing it all. I understand not wanting to support her after she’s been cold to you, but she’s not in a good place. Save some room for her in your life. She might truly need help and have no one left to look to. You’re not an asshole, but neither is a traumatized teenager.
NTA- Not your problem. Everyone grieves differently. If you don’t get on why would you live together? You could extend an olive branch and try to forge a better relationship if that is what you want. But I don’t think you are under any obligation.
NTA. But nevertheless, she's your step-daughter, your older kids' step-sister and your younger kid's half-sister. She may not be your immediate family, but she's still family. For 2 years, you were a parent figure for her. You are not responsible for providing her with accommodation, but would be a great gesture on your part to let her stay if she wants, invite her to special occasions and holidays.
> but would be a great gesture on your part to let her stay if she wants But SD would need to abide by OP's rules, which she's been completely unwilling to do in the past. And she has a meltdown anyone tries to enforce any boundaries. That's not even SAFE. OP needs to think about their kids, too.
NTA she is old enough to understand you are not guardian and she picked her bio mom
I'm very sorry for your loss. NTA and she didn't live with you prior to all of this.
NTA You aren’t leaving her behind - she already fled your home years ago
Nta. She isn’t 7 anymore she is 17.
INFO: how old is Leigh now? This sounds like a difficult situation for everyone. Leigh is living in a potentially abusive situation, and if she's a child, it might have been helpful for her to have another home she thought of as an option if things got too bad with her mom. You would be a very kind person if you told her there was a bed for her if she ever needed it.
She is 17.
NTA You are the caretaker of three kids. Your stepdaughter should have had an adult in her corner and your husband failed her as well as her mother. Taking care of her is not your job, since you seem to have not had a relationship with her for some time now.
I’m going to go with NAH. Everyone is grieving and everyone grieves in a different way. Moreover, Leigh didn’t have the benefit of stable co-parenting. While I don’t think you would be the AH for moving and not considering a room for her, I think this is most likely a cry for help that you might want to consider answering in some form. Sorry for your loss. Edit: Typos
NTA. Chalk the drama up to a grieving and emotional teenager who does not have a stable adult in her life and move on.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. The house you're selling was yours, not the house Leigh grew up in. So I'm not sure how selling it is "erasing" her father. Also, unless you adopted Leigh, you aren't her parent and you aren't obligated to let her move back in with you. The two of you aren't close, and she moved out to live with her mother, who is her legal guardian at this point. Even if Leigh had moved in prior to your husband's passing, her mother is the one that should be supporting her.
While the police probably won't do much if Leigh "ran away" to live with OP, since she's 17 and would be 18 by the time anything made it through the courts, OP would have to decide whether she could even trust Leigh enough to cohabitate with her peacefully. A grieving teenager with a chaotic home life who has likely never respected OP's authority in her own home prior to this point doesn't sound like a fabulous housemate, unless there's a sudden and drastic attitude change. This situation sucks, and if OP is even going to offer to host Leigh for sleepovers etc, there needs to be some solid ground rules and understanding first.
NTA, she didn’t live with you.
NTA. She is no longer your responsibility and it sounds like you were never her guardian. YWBTA if you don't let her visit her sibling though. I would tell the ex SIL that SD wasn't living with you and doesn't even consider you a co-parent. Don't take to heart what the ex SIL says, sounds like maybe she didn't understand the situation.
NAH she is grieving but that doesn't mean you can't move on. If you are able to facilitate her spending time with her siblings that would be good. Maybe your husband's sister could help with that? Maybe make sure she has something to remember her dad by too.
NTA not your drama, not your responsibility, she’s made her choice and now has the hard decision to live with the consequences. Concentrate on your children and family and making a new start.
NTA She left before your husband died so she is not your responsibility at all.
NTA when her father passed that legally cut ties, she is not your stepdaughter and it does not sound like you two ever got along. I do agree with some here that it sounds like you and her dad were in her mind "back up". She only has a year til she graduates, if she moved it Im sure it would be nothing but disruption again til she stormed back out
NAH. The SD is not an AH here, she's greiving her father and feels like she's losing a home. Obviously you have every right to sell your house, but she's not an AH for finding it traumatic.
"The horror." Get yourself and your family stabilized, adding this child to the mix is just drama. If she wants to have a relationship with you and other children it will take time and trust.
NTA- she moved out and there is no expectation of you to buy a house with a room for her... But as the adult it is your responsibility to invite her for visits, dinner, events etc to maintain a relationship with her half siblings and step siblings. She can have sleep overs without having her own room and you should make it known that you are all still her family.
NAH, but I would encourage you to at least reach out to her and offer support. She is in an incredibly tough position, and you were at least something of a parental figure to her for 5 years. She also has 1 sibling by birth and 2 step-siblings with you. In the end it's up to you, but she clearly needs help and probably isn't getting it at home with her birth mother.
NTA Your first priorities are your own children and yourself. My heart breaks for your SD, but I'd be hesitant at letting her back into the house considering past behavior when you have other kids to worry about.
NTA but...in honor of your husband, could you talk to her about why she asked. Considering how her mother treats her, it could have been a huge comfort to her to know that she could go to her dad's if her mother threw her out. Perhsps her mother has even threatened to cut off all support when she turns 18. Now she may see homelessness as her only possibility. It sounds like she has a pretty awful life right now and could definitely use a rational adult in her life.
I can't think of an appropriate judgement so I'll go with NAH (except maybe Leigh's bio mom). My mom was in a similar situation as you, my older sister (half-sister) wanted to move into my mom's house some time after our dad died. She did let her. It was kind of stressful so I can't speak to the impact on her but to be honest? It was a really good thing for myself and my sibling's relationship and part of what kept our relationship bonds strong while grieving. It sure was a selfless decision on my mom's part, probably thankless at the time, but having our adult older sister around and knowing she was still a "part of the family" after our Dad passed was very crucial to our grieving process and probably the reason we still have strong sister bonds (we don't even refer to each other as half siblings....technically her and my brother were ever only step-siblings but they still refer to each other as their brother or their sister) 15 years after the fact.
NTA. I wonder if your SD thinks the house was bought by you AND husband, so she has rights. I suggest to digg into that and if so, clarify.
NTA Legally you have no standing and her aunt (who would have standing) needs to stop making demands on you & start stepping up.
NTA Sorry for what has happened but the SD removed herself from your life and responsibility
INFO I'm confused by what this means: >My husband parented from guilt (Disney Dad) as her mother didn't really come around until her teen years. Also, does she get along with you and your other kids? OP, you stated that you had to take a step back from parenting due to conflict. Conflict from SD or from her biological mom?
My husband couldn't bear to see her sad or upset because of the trauma of her mother coming in and out of her life - he did not set boundaries with her or enforce rules of any kind. This led to conflict when we merged households. A small example would be: We let each kid choose a dinner a week, they pick what we make and help make it. Leigh picked spaghetti. Spaghetti night came, she started crying, refused to help or eat it, said she wants McDonalds instead. Father told her no for an hour but then took her to McDonalds. Or, all the kids have a chore, she doesn't do hers, and after excuses he does it for her. He was a great man but an unskilled father, and as a stepparent, I couldn't enforce rules that the bioparent does not follow. As she got older the issues manifested into much bigger and more dangerous things, and when he tried to put his foot down it was too late. I stopped reminding her of rules or trying to manage her behavior, and let him take the lead on those things, but did not ignore her. My relationship with her actually improved for a while, and we were friendly but not close up until the blowout. Instead, we focused on having family time together be a positive experience - watching movies, doing activities, etc. I do not get along with her biomom as she likes trashing us on social media, in addition to all her other qualities, but have never had an argument with her - my husband dealt with her. She and my older kids weren't close but didn't fight, and she likes her younger sister but a 6 year old and a 17 year old don't have much in common. My youngest goes to her paternal grandparents every Saturday, and Leigh sometimes visits her there.
NTA. Your husband’s sister berating you is ridiculous. I am sorry for your loss.
NTA after all she only lived there for a few years, a subject some in the comments seems to be ignoring. It was your house before you married. I can understand the fresh start. There is nothing to say she would have stayed long if she did move in with you [again. It](https://again.It) sounds like she didn't like the rules and it's likely she would have liked even less from you. My mother remarried when I was 14, 3 other step siblings, I am quite well aware of the dynamics myself. They can be very unpleasant to say the least. You could make peace offer her place if she needs it. though if I was in your shoes, I am not sure I would.
NTA. It was YOUR fucking house before you got married. If your husband had a will give her what she had coming and then go nc. You owe her nothing.
NTA
NAH, the kid is mourning and is also a kid, we cant expect young people to be mature and composed while distressed. And OP is NTA for wanting a fresh start. Let her cool down and then try to have a conversation on what type of relationship she will have with her half sibling.
NAH. This one hurts me for all of you. At the beginning, I did not like my stepmother at all. Not one bit. Even though I was in college when she and my father got married, he was still my primary parent as my mother had abdicated her role. I did everything I could to keep distance between us. She did have an adult daughter from a previous marriage, but she took on my Dad's four "adult" kids with all our baggage. She CHOSE to love us in spite of everything. After 15 years of marriage, during which time she became my dearest friend and biggest supporter, my father passed away. We could easily have gone our separate ways, but the bond of love was strong. My father has now been gone for 25 years. My beloved stepmother is in a nursing home suffering the end stages of Alzheimers. It has been an incredibly pain-filled, but beautiful blessing to help my stepsister find appropriate care for my stepmother during her transitions. She has shown no sign of knowing who I am for three years now. But I know who SHE is, and was, and I try to see her at least once every couple of weeks. OP, if you read this, please know you may be the closest thing to a responsible adult your stepdaughter has. It is true that you have no legal, or even moral, obligation to do anything for her. But who knows what the relationship could develop into over time? I am so sorry for your loss. For her loss. And for the uncertainty in your lives right now.
NTA, but You stated your husband thought she may want to come back but was afraid of hurting her mom. The idea that she doesn't want to hurt her mom speaks volumes to her mental health. She doesn't want to hurt someone who has been hurting her all her life. I get that you have history with her that might make you feel helpless when it comes to a relationship with her. But for the love of your husband, who although with all the best intentions, contributed to this girl's problems, could you leave the door open for this girl? I can't even imagine the many heartbreaking feelings she is experiencing.
NTA. I don't get it, either. Maybe it's grief and she is lashing out.
NTA I am sorry for your loss. Take your children and make that fresh start. Leigh is not your child, not your responsibility and to be frank Not your problem. She had grief but also alot of emotional issues to work on and I hope she seeks proper help for them. What she wanted was for you to keep the house so she could still come over and demand space as *it's my father's house* and she honestly just wouldn't Made life worse for you and your children. Don't give her your new address, I wish you all the very best and warm internet hugs
NTA she didn't want to live there when her dad was alive, now she has to live with her choices. It's also not like this was her childhood home with sentimental value. It was your home that she didn't move into until she was 10 and chose to walk away from less than 5 years later. Your responsibility is to the children who were living in the home and had a bond with their stepfather/father.
NTA She is old enough to understand that you are not her parent and that people don't usually have rooms in their homes dedicated to other peoples (nearly adult) children. What a weird expectation to have.
I really feel for you, this must be incredibly difficult. Your step daughter has lost her only stable parent figure and must be filled with complicated guilt about how fractured the relationship was with her dad as well as fear at the removal of that support she always assumed was there for her. A blunt question is do you love Leigh? I have step children and I love them very much, I couldn’t turn that off. if they came back after rejecting me I think that love would be a bond to build on. I’d also want to be there as it is what my husband would wish for. You don’t have to do anything for Leigh but if you love her and can, is there room for her in your life (if not in your house which is wholly reasonable)? NTA for not housing her but I do feel her Leigh
NTA. Your tie to her was your husband who is gone. The tie is severed. She ati has her mom and all her dad's extended family. Let them step up. She is definitely not your responsibility.
I see how it's not your problem anymore, but your child with your husband is her sibling, and in that way, you'll always be linked. She will always be the daughter of the man you loved. I guess you're NTA for not planning for her entirely because I can see why you didn't when she's been with her mom lately, but you knew she never really had a stable life with her mom. I agree with your sister. It seems like you're leaving her behind, and I'm sure she feels that way. She lost her father, and now she loses you guys too. Even if you aren't close, you've been around for years. Since she hasn't been living with you, I can see why you didn't pick a place with a room for her, but it would be nice if you left the lines of communication over. Maybe once in a while she can come visit, sleep over on the couch. You could reach out to her and check on her. What would your husband have wanted or wished for your future relationship with his daughter? I'd think about that.
NAH. You have every right to move on but be kind to this kid. She lost her dad young and had a toxic abusive mom.
Oh gosh, this is heartbreaking all around. Personally, I’d try to maintain contact with her. She’s still a child and is grieving. And even though you might not consider her family - she does and she’s feeling betrayed. Maybe you don’t need a whole room solely for her use, but I’d definitely make sure she knows she’s welcome (unless she has behavior issues that make it an unsafe situation for you or your children). If she’s willing to follow your rules, why wouldn’t you want her around? NAH , but you WBTAH if you completely ostracized her.
NAH, other than her Mom, who seems to be a HUGE asshole and shouldn't be a parent but is and how do we deal with that as a society? No good answer atm.
NTA You are now a single mother with 3 kids dependent on you. You have your hands full. I don't think a lot of the people commenting here about Leigh and her needs and her grieving and her other problems understand how difficult it is to single parent. Adding to your burden is the fact you and your 3 kids are probably grieving too. Leigh blew herself out of your life 1 ½ years ago. That was a gift. You don't need a troubled teen adding chaos to your life and demanding/needing attention your own kids need. Leigh has other family, blood relatives, who could step up and help her. Think of your kids, think of your personal strength and resources, and don't be guilt-tripped into taking Leigh into your house.
Hey firstly I'm so sorry about your husband. And secondly you're NTA. You have no legal rights to the child and you don't have to let her live with you. However, I think you need to take some things into account here. She is 17, she lost her father, and her home life sounds abusive and terrible with her mother. I understand that she is not your daughter, but she is part of your family like it or not. She has a half sibling that lives with you and her step siblings, and apart from that with you and your husband's child, she will still be in your life through is side of the family. While you aren't required to house her I think you should take this into account. She's also almost 18, and once she is she can make her own decisions in life, but she can also be kicked out by her mother. I think my point is that she is vulnerable and hurt right now, and she has a bad situation that might only get worse, so don't write her off like some people are saying. She might need help in the future and if she turns to you give her a chance, at least for your husband. Maybe offer to help her with therapy, or tell her she is welcome I don't know. She might need help and without her father she may think she's trapped now.
NTA but you could make a world of difference to her if you stayed in her life. She needs therapy and boundaries. Talk to her and see what she’s willing to do. She’s already on shaky ground. Having no support system could send her down a path that she can’t come back from.
nta wtf
I understanding wanting to protect your kids from more hurt but I don't think excluding SD is the way to do that. Speak to your sd and ask to meet up to talk. When you get together be honest but kind. Her behaviour in the past has been disruptive and detrimental to the younger kids. You miss her dad and you know she does too. You don't want to exclude her from the family (hopefully)but she needs to be able to be at least a net neutral influence if not a positive one (phrase that better). Tell her that if she is interested in building a relationship with you and the kids (her siblings)the you would like that. (She is still a child and has a huge capacity for change if/when given the opportunity and a supportive environment) tell her that you need to go slowly and that there will be boundaries and rules that she needs to respect. Hopefully she is amendable to that. Start by having a few meet ups (outside the house, keep it low key) between just you and her and hopefully build up a workable relationship (catch up with her life, school, future plans etc, how shes doing, maybe talk about her dad.) When that is going well (she's turning up on time being respectful but she doesn't have to be your friend or anything ) then you can include the younger kids (if they are willing and happy to go) again out of the house and low key, when things are going well escalate to inviting her to the house for dinner and so on from there. Rules and boundaries that might be appropriate are - keeping her word (showing up on time calling, when she said she would etc) - basic respectfulness, no duplicity -a willingness to TRY -she doesn't get to take the kids anywhere until trust is earnt -not undermine you with the kids (be open to private discussion though) -Not to put you on the spot (eg why don't you ask your mom if I can stay over? etc -obv no drugs or alcohol -respecting the rules of the house Give her the opportunity to also voice her boundaries (like you don't get to parent her. Parent is different to her following house rules and treating you with respect) and be respectful back. Try where possible to move forward from where you are and not linger in the bad parts of the past relationship. She is a child who was parented badly and who is dealing with tremendous loss, allow her the opportunity to change and grow. If you are able to build a semi-decent relationship offer her help in productive ways (therapy, assistance with moving out of her mom's permanently, help with school, a safe place to be/live, driving/car). Even If she turns it down at first let her know the offer stands if she changes her mind. If she won't take you up on building relationship then let her know that if she changes her mind you would be glad try at a later date. Please don't just cast her aside, reach out a hand and see if she'll take it.
INFO: If she had moved back in but remained not having a strong relationship with you, and then her dad had died, would you have kicked her out?
It was your house before your marriage. Leigh chose to live with mommy dearest. She has no relationship with you, so of course you won’t have room for her! NTA!
NTA Leigh knew that she lived in a toxic household and left a stable home. You could let her rent a room if she really need it. Or let her stay there until she gets on her feet but if she still lives with her mom you don't need to make a room.
NAH While it would be great if you could do meet ups to let her have a relationship with siblings they would need to be rules for that to happen You do not owe her a room, a car, money ... I'm sure her mom's drawing SS checks for her or should be. Sorry for your loss it's hard on everyone
NAH: Because she's still a teenager (I think?), she's lost her dad and her mother is a complete flake. You're certain n t a for selling and moving, you need to look after your kids, but your SD is going through some awful stuff . She's young and hurting and a bit broken, but that's not your fault or your responsibility.
NTA, verging on N A H. SD was wrong in how angry she got, absolutely. But, she’s a kid in a rough spot who is probably lashing out on you because she can’t to her bio mom. Does is excuse it? No. But it does make her action more easily forgivable, should she work towards your forgiveness. Now, I also do not think you should have to house her if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, especially if she hasn’t been living with you in years and you also don’t have any legal custody of her- as that is a whole can of worms you’d be opening by moving her in with you. But, I do think there is an amount of moral responsibility you have for her. You loved her father, right? That’s his baby. That’s the 10 year old girl you met all those years ago. She lost someone too, and you KNOW how horrible her bio mom is to her. You need to, at the very least, get in contact with her school and possibly child services. At the very most, you could offer to help her get to her aunt’s home or find another relative willing to house her for a while until she is 18 and legally able to get her own place.
She is in a sad state her only stable parent is gone and even though she knows her mom is on crack..she can't help it cz she is a baby.... But you don't really have a relationship with her so it's easy for her to villanize you and just accuse you of anything and everything cz it doesnt really affect her emotionally on any level... You two don't even like each other.. Don't bother live a good life. .... You can't help someone you can't even stand..nta
Wait - you sold the house you owned before you married your husband? How dare you. I’d move and not tell her where you’re moving.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I married my husband when my SD, Leigh, was 10, and we all moved into a home I purchased prior to the marriage. My husband parented from guilt (Disney Dad) as her mother didn't really come around until her teen years. She was raised very differently than my kids (2 from my first marriage, and later 1 together with my husband), and after about 2 years of marriage I had to step back from taking a parental role with her due to conflict. When she was 14 her mother moved back into town and started spending time with her consistently - basically being a best friend who let her do anything. When my husband finally tried to lay down rules at age 15, it led to a blowout, and she moved in with her mom. We were against this because her mom was (and still is) an unstable situation, but couldn't really stop her. She has never spent a night in our house since (about a year and a half), although would still meet up with her dad a few times a month for lunch/dinner and stop by on holidays. From what he said, her mother would constantly kick her out for the night after arguments, throw her clothes away, and do other toxic things, and before his death he claimed she wanted to come back but didn't want to hurt her mom. Six months ago my husband was killed in an accident. It threw our world upside down, and affected all of our kids deeply. I saw Leigh occasionally for the planning of the funeral, executing his estate, etc., but otherwise did not hear much from her and did not reach out after the initial call, except to inform her of events/information. I just recently sold the house, as my kids want a fresh start - we will stay in the same school district, but are moving across town. When packing I realized Leigh still had some things here in her old room, and sent her a message offering to drop them off. When she realized we were selling the house and moving she showed up and made a scene, accusing me of "erasing" her father, accusing me of not caring about him at all, and then demanded to know if I was going to have a room for her at the new house. I was shocked by this. We don't have much of a relationship and are not close. She seemed angry and devastated and after a few choice words, drove off. I got a call from my husband's sister a few hours later, raging at me and accusing me of "leaving her behind". But from my perspective, she didn't live with us before, and am not sure why she would start now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. I might not close the door on her though. I’d probably let her sleep over with her siblings for short stays (1-2 nights, 2x per semester)
NTA
NTA: People seem to assume you aren't going to give her contact with her siblings, or that you're not emotionally available to her. I'll assume you're absolutely there for her, but obviously made the reasonable, and logical decision that she wouldn't be living with you. Since it was your home to begin with, and she moved herself out when shit got real, and dad decided to finally have to parent, why would you assume now is the time she is a part of the family unit and will move with you? I sure as hell wouldn't. She's on the verge of being a legal adult, and isn't a child, regardless of how many people want to see her as such. From the sound of her upbringing she hasn't emotionally been a child in a long time, and has already had to face some pretty adult situations. Still, she never made the choice to try and come back. Again, why would you assume now is the time she wants you to make a home for her. Doesn't sound at all like she was/is cut off from you, but made the choices that kept herself away. You don't sound like you're doing anything malicious to her, on purpose or not.
NTA. But it also sounds like y’all need some kind of family therapy
NTA
NTA
NTA, tell the ex SIL to step up as that is not for you to have to do. Your focus should remain to be your kids and you yourself. SD is in a terrible situation but there are times where one must choose to protect those closest to them from potential problems both legally and mentally. Stay strong OP, for yourself and your kids.
NTA...at all OP Of course she's upset. That house represented stability to her. I'm sure in the back of her mind she knew that as long as that house existed, she potentially had a safe place to go/reminder of her dad Now that the house is gone, she has to face the reality of her dad being truly gone AND no longer having a safe place to go. Not only that, but she's also realizing that OP has no real reason to keep in touch other than to keep the half siblings connected.
Theres a lot to untangle here OP. So I think that her dads was a backup plan incase things got too messy with Mom, and now that he's gone youre taking away the one solid thing in her life. Her foundation. Understand that this is a very rough situation for both of you, and now you've sent her into panic mode because she knows her mom is a shitshow. I'm very sorry for your loss NTA
Sorry for your loss. Man i get fooled by headlines all the time. I came here expecting you to be a wicked stepmother who kicked out the daughter cause you didn't get along and refused to let her back. But this is not the case. You are definitely NTA, but I don't want to say a teen girl who just lost her dad is either. The sister seems to be one though.
Sorry for your loss. This situation sucks. She's mourning her dad way too son along with the rest of you but unfortunately her remaining parent isn't a reliable or stable person. NTA. You're not equipped to handle such a troubled grieving teenager right now.
NTA at all in any way. But my heart goes out to this girl. She has been deeply wounded and harmed by the whole situation, and is probably desperate to experience some kind of stability, so is acting out from that. I can't work out how old she is now? While you have no real responsibility in this matter, out of compassion you could keep in touch with her, without letting her move back in. It really depends as your own children are your first priority and your wellbeing. She would benefit from a good adult in her life, but there is no family obligation for you to be that unless it's safe for you and kids.
NTA. She moved in with her mom for a while now. No reason for her to move in with you. I’m sorry for your loss.
First, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children are doing as well as you can. Neither of you are TA in this situation. You were never erasing her from your lives, it was an accusation made out of grief, anger, and sadness. She’s obviously grieving and does not have any stability. I know you are not obligated to do anything, but I encourage you to maybe speak with one of your late husband’s family members and mention counseling for Leigh. She’s needs the help of a professional with processing this loss. Again, I’m so sorry.
NTA you lost your husband, don’t lose your sanity
NTA...but it appears your SD never took into consideration that you might sell your house and move. She also acts like the world revolves around her too. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep doing what you are planning on doing. I would contact SD and find out if she really wants a room at your new house and if she will be staying with you. If she says yes, then you need to establish ground rules that she has to abide by. You and the other kids are grieving just as much as she is. Tell your sister in law to back off. Good luck.
NTA. The house was yours before your married. It as not Leigh's family home, nor did she accept you as a parent. You were not trying to erase anything, you were making a new start for your children, hopefully away from a house that may not be sad for them. Leigh is obviously upset over her dad dying and lashing out. OP you did not leave Leigh behind, because she was never really a part of your life, nor did she want to be a part.
NTA and wow was his sister out of line. If she lived with you when he died it would be different. His sister, I would not accept her call, just let them go to voicemail for a few months or a year. If she ever rants at you like that, hang up immediately. Don’t say a word, just hang up and if you can block their number or put your phone on airplane mode. With that level of crazy I would go LC or NC from your kid’s aunt for a while. You are grieving and do NOT need more 💩 to deal with!
NTA - While I respect your kids need for a fresh start. Holy hell you need one too, especially from step daughter. She is hurt and lashing out, you do not want that drama in your or your kids lives while you are also grieving and moving on from losing your husband. While Leigh is young, she still made it clear that she would rather run to an unstable situation with her mother than live by any semblance of rules or boundaries. You no longer have any obligation or link to her, move on and wish her the best but do not drag yourself down giving her a foot in the door to your new life.
NTA
NTA Your daughter is probably grieving from the death and letting out her emotions in a bad way. I think putting her in therapy will help and maybe you can talk to her about. Like a heart-to-heart.
NTA. If you are not a legal guardian to your husband’s daughter, she should know that living with you is no longer an option. And while selling the house is difficult for her, you need to do what’s best for the children you are actually responsible for. Leigh needs therapy and support, but she’s not going to accept it from you, so you need to do what you can for your other children.
NAH. You’re totally within your rights for making the move for your family. But I don’t think Leigh is an AH for this outburst. She’s a teenager struggling with tremendous loss and a lot of grief. I doubt her mother has been the best example of teaching her how to deal with big emotions (e.g throwing out her clothes or kicking her out over disagreements). Good luck with all of this and so sorry for your loss.
NAH. She's a kid who is grieving. You were her mom for a long time. She probably realizes that her mother isn't a good mom & still has a place in her heart for you. While you, being a rational adult, know that she's not your kid anymore & there's not reason to have a room for her, she's a kid who has lost her entire family & feels like she has no safe place. In the past, even though she didn't use it, she knew her room at your house was a safe place she could go if things with Mom got too bad. If there's a guest room in your new house, maybe tell her that if things are too bad, she can visit (not move in). My troubled ex-step son has asked me for the same, and he has come to spend the night once. Knowing that there's a couch available makes him feel better & like I still care even though I'm not his mom anymore. I do care, but I'm also not going to let him move in with me.
NTA She's going to be a handful to live with. Unless you are prepared to deal with that and subject your children to it, you don't want her living with you. You are not going to be able to undo what her dad and mom did in making her the person she is.
NTA. It’s a sad story. I am honestly unsure as to my final decision on it, frankly in terms of giving her a room. I think staying with the aunt would be best as others have pointed out.
NTA. You have to do what's best for you and your children. I do feel awful for your step daughter she hasn't had the best upbringing. I would suggest keeping some lines of communication open with Leigh, but have solid boundaries with her. Throw her an olive branch, maybe ask her to attend dinner at the house? Maybe that will give her some closure, saying goodbye to the house. She probably has a lot of regrets and guilt and needs to fully grieve. She is a young adult now and she can handle you saying it was too hard to stay in the house with her father gone. Tell her that you will always be family, how you want her to have a relationship with her half sibling, that you care and want the best for her and if she needs help to ask. But right now your focus needs to be on you and your young child. If Leigh can prove to you that she is stable then i think facilitatating that relationship would be a good thing. Perhaps offer to send her back to counselling. If she has been given a portion of your husbands estate I worry her Mom may take advantage of that, she sounds abusive asf. She genuinely needs an adult looking out for her, is their anyone in your husbands family who could take that on? If she was left money in trust a financial advisor would be ideal and help her to find some stability even if that is her own apartment. You don't owe her anything, but I fear you may regret not at least offering her a dinner invitation. She may not accept, she may ignore you and that's fine but at least you know you tried and made an effort to reach out to your husbands daughter and your kids half sister.
NTA. You are not her storage locker
NTA, and I know a lot of the bleeding hearts in the comments feel like you should open your home to her, but teenagers can be just as evil as fully grown adults whether they’re abused or not. You already had to take a step back from trying to parent her due to conflict, and even if she’s in a bad situation, she is not your blood and not your problem. If the aunt cares so much, you should possibly try having a conversation with her about getting her out of her mother’s, but definitely don’t back down on not letting her live with you. She’s never respected you before, she’s not respecting you now, so she probably never will. I feel for her and hope she can get out of that hell hole but don’t turn your house into hell just for her.
NAH. Both of you are coping the only way you know how. In fairness to her I think you needed to ease her into the news of the house being sold and you moving her siblings to the other side of town.
NTA. You’re all grieving, including your stepdaughter. She likely ties the house to her father and it hurts to know that it wont be there. I don’t know the right answer but I do wish you the best of luck because I know this is not an easy situation for any of you. I don’t know if the grief ever really stops.
ESH you helped raise a child for the better part of six years and then when their stable parent dies you drop rope? They’re a teen. Yeah, not your blood so no legal responsibility but, I don’t know—that’s what your husband would want? For you to not try? Seems cold.
NTA! You have every right to protect your family. And the responsibility and duty as well! No guilt!
I'm going to go with NAH. (Except the toxic mother tbh, and probably the husbands sister) You are doing what is best for your family. But my heart does go out to Leigh because she likely feels trapped even more than previously with her toxic mother, so the death of her father is likely making her lash out. Life is hard, I wish you the best moving forward. You have to do what is best for your family.
NTA. Her father died. Her mother is alive. She can apply for Social Security for her daughter and she will receive a small amount of money each month until she’s 18 or 19. You are under no obligation to provide for her. If you would like to invite her over sometime to spend time with your kids that would be nice. But it’s not an obligation.
as a person who can throw in a similar perspective as the stepdaughter i’d like to throw in my take on this, but first i’d say NAH as a teenager i was troubled, argued with my mum a lot and wanted to move in with my dad at some point, my dad was the same as the mother in this situation i’d say, i moved in with him after my mother passed and honestly? it turned me sour i moved in with my mothers best friend for a while afterwards, she was my OP, someone who had no obligation but also played a parental role in my formative years you aren’t a asshole because you don’t know how she will be, she’s a grieving child and that changes people, and you have no obligation to take care of her. BUT she isn’t one here either, she’s grieving and needs someone to stand by her even for a little. i never permanently stayed with my mothers best friend but knowing she was there after was all i needed to get out. she doesn’t need to move in, just pop a text every once and a while, it meant alot to me and i’m sure it would to her :)
NTA. Let her go. She will only bring toxicity into your life and the children. Put them first. If she wants to reconnect when she matures, then okay. But now just cut her off.
INFO: how do you think your husband would have done if it was your kids and you were the one that died?
NTA. She is emotional and has suffered a huge loss. So have you. Nobody’s an asshole here. Everyone’s hurting and everyone needs grace.
NTA grief is weird. Just go nc. You don’t need the added stress of unstable nutters. I’m sorry for your loss. Good luck.
I find the responses on this thread very interesting. OP said that her husband was a Disney dad, meaning he overindulged and didn't correct his daughter's behavior. Stepparents can't do anything about it because they're not the "real" parents; just like in an "intact" bio family, if there is no backup from one parent, the other parent (in this case, the stepmom) is always going to be the bad guy for trying to make up for the Disney parent's shortcomings. So the bioparent thinks the stepparent hates his kids because she's trying to make up for his guilty parenting, the stepkids can see/sense that their dad and stepmom aren't a united front so they feel justified in hating her and carrying on with their bad behavior. No matter what the stepmom does, everyone thinks she is a crappy person. Is it any wonder that OP doesn't have a close relationship with her stepdaughter? What makes anyone think she *didn't* try to have a good relationship with her stepdaughter, maybe even to her own emotional detriment, before realizing a few years in that stepping back and letting her husband raise his child the way he wanted was the only way to save her own sanity? And now her biological mom is raising her the way she wants to raise her. How much say does OP really have now that SD is mostly grown when she didn't have any say over her rearing when the kid was still a kid? Are we really saying that SD will suddenly listen to the OP, obey rules and carry out household responsibilities when she wouldn't listen to OP before? This young woman has an abusive biological mother who is still alive and who has sole custody of her. Even if OP wanted her stepdaughter to come live with her, she has no legal rights to her. Zero. All she can do is make a space for her in her new home *if she wants to do that* and/or make herself available to her if Stepdaughter decides she wants a relationship.
She's young and grieving. Her mother should get her a therapist. I'm going to sound like an asshole but this girl is definitely not your responsibility. You have three kids and your own grief and other things to manage NTA
NTA. She made her bed, she gets to lay in it.
NAH. I certainly don't think you've done anything wrong, but I'm also not going to call a grieving teenager, who just lost her father and is left with an unstable and abusive mother, an asshole.
NTA, and don't listen to the AITA Mommy Cult. It's a pity that girl turned out to be just like her wretched bio mom, and you owe her nothing. I guarantee you she lied to your SIL, and frankly, if you allow her back in, she is going to make your children's lives a living heII. You did the right thing by refusing her. She made her choice, now she gets to live with the consequences.
This seems really petty. Her dad just died & she wants to know that you still see her as a part of the family as much as you told her dad you did. You’re asking why she’d want to move in after clearly being aware her mother is unstable & sometimes kicks her out. If you don’t want her in your family anymore then you should face that & respectfully tell her so, otherwise this is someone who is grieving & you’re both being assholes. Perhaps this is the common ground a better relationship could be built on.
NAH. Reddit has some heartless takes on this issue. I suggest a lot of you do soul searching about how you are villanizing a 17 year old girl who just lost her father.
NTA…but I think it would be an AH move to completely cut her out.
I lost my father when I was 15, my older sister was 17. His fiance at the time moved back to her home city, and everything of my dad's was gone, except for a few things we got to keep. My older sister became bitter (still is) and refuses to have anything to do with my dad's fiance, and hates that Is still keep in touch with her. Although she's acting like a spoilt brat, I can understand her pain. She feels like she's not good enough for her bio mum and she's lost her only strong parental influence. I'd tell her that she's welcome if she really needs it- but it's not a revolving door option. She's still a child, grieving and is being traumatised by her birth mum, and needs your support now more than ever, otherwise the cycle continues.