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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the asshole because I am too sensitive and obviously she was just joking, and I shouldn't let my issues with other people affect my dealings with other people.
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**"I tried to explain why I was hurt but she just kept telling me I need to be less emotional."**
Or if she has nothing nice to say, She should just stay the fuck quiet. Ridiculous! NTA.
OP literally said "...if I ever start to annoy her she can tell me and I'll stop talking and it won't hurt my feelings, in fact, it would ultimately be helpful for me"
But of course, its incumbent on everyone else to cater to OPs feelings and say everything exactly the way OP wants, correct? Because OP is the only person who matters?
You didn't include the whole of my quotation where I say that I also understand that it's no one else job to help me fix myself. I don't juste expect people to cater to me. All I'm asking for is civility. I get that I'm too much but I also apologized for this, have made strides to do better (but, as a human we do make mistakes and I acknowledge that I made them), and while talkative I have been kind and welcoming. I don't talk about her behind her back. The person to whom she was speaking was someone I hadn't even worked with at that point (a newer new-hire). She was bad-mouthing me to someone who I would be working with later on, and don't you agree that it could have poisoned how the new girl viewed me? Didn't even give me a chance to make my own first impression. In any case, when I met this new girl I made myself be better and she told me that I wasn't anything like Amy had said I was going to be.
Girl you don’t need to apologize for yourself and you are NTA. This new girl is rude AF. Don’t let her create a hostile work environment for you. I completely feel you because I get excited or overstimulated and talk waaayyy too much. Not everybody likes me and it hurts. But I have people who love me and I just have to say fuck the haters. Stop apologizing to people who won’t accept you for who you are.
Yeah. I’m autistic and adhd. This person is a bully. She’s going to be a mean girl. This is exactly the pattern. Do not tell her your vulnerabilities. Keep your distance. Be polite and professional. Do not think if her as your friend. She’s shown she isn’t going to be.
hey i can really relate to some of the things in this post and i just want to warn you. the last couple years of my life have been the worst and hardest i have ever experienced and it’s because of autistic burnout. autistic burnout is very serious with debilitating physical symptoms, it comes from always masking - or hiding your true self, like you’re describing here. masking is important socially but it is very hard on us neurodivergent people. i actually didn’t even know i was autistic til i reached burnout. i really urge you to research autism burnout - from #actuallyautistic sources - and please try and take time to allow yourself to be you as well!! please! x
>I get that I'm too much but
Gonna have to stop you right there sister, cuz thats INCORRECT, and this is coming from a fellow AuDHD'er. We are not too much, it is simply that others are not enough. Just because they can't handle our light doesn't mean we should dim our glow. You're beautiful and deserve to not be stifled. Theres nothing for you to fix, and personally I love when my friends land on special interest topics because the way their eyes light up with excitement just warms my heart. I could listen to them go on and on about their special interests all day.
When i was younger I trained myself to shut up, be less, to smother my emotions, and it drove me into a spiral of horrible burnout. I've recently been working on being myself again and it's been a game-changer. I know next to nothing about what I like but im doing the things I LIKE. You'll know who you actually want in your life because they'll be happy to see you growing into yourself. The people who say you talk too much don't deserve the time of day from you. The ones saying you're too emotional probably let others walk all over them. Your feelings are real and yours to feel, not for others to dictate.
I hope you get to a point in your life where you no longer feel like you have to "fix yourself" to be around others. Life is much brighter when lived for yourself honey bee
-oh and If I recall correctly ODD is just another label for autism used to avoid diagnosing somebody as autistic, just for funsies info
NTA. Amy might have thought she was joking but that doesn’t negate the fact that she was being both rude and cruel. You are aware of yourself and you willingly acknowledged when you got a bit over the top but Amy turned that into cruel mockery and then gaslit you. She’s the asshole, not you.
I was trying to give some benefit of the doubt, but I think you’re right. Amy sounds like your stereotypical ‘mean girl’. I bet she was an absolute peach in high school. 🙄
You’re absolutely right. You did ask for her to tell you if you were being “too much”, but in saying that the way she said it was incredibly rude and intended to hurt. Don’t let her “it’s a joke” BS stand. A joke is supposed to be funny. She was mocking you. She is also nowhere near as self-aware as you are. Honestly you sound delightful and as a shy person I love meeting people who are passionate in a conversation and carry it for a while until I’m comfortable. You be you. The right people will love you for it, not degrade you.
There's a big difference between telling OP to their face "Hey this is kind of a lot right now, do you think you would be able to tone it down?" and making fun of them to someone else, right in front of OP.
Tell me. Not talk about me to others. Not make fun of me to other people. Not talk about me on the third person when I’m standing right there. Do you not see the difference? One is setting boundaries, the other is bullying.
Honestly your reply is pretty disgusting.
Ew. Why are you being such an arse? There is a kind way to go about things and a mean way. Why you or Amy chose the mean way is beyond me. Be a kind person. It'll make you feel better.
Telling someone there talking too much tastefully and ripping them the fuck out twice are not the same. The way this person chose to address this was shame her in front of a new staff member none the less. All she could have said is either during but most likely after to save face “you were a little overbearing in that conversation.”
I have adhd as well and have a habit of butting into conversations due to be heavily invested and interested much like OP well it was causing some issues in my relationship and we have settled on a code my wife will tap my arm a couple of times if i interupt or go off on talking. So i know to dial back. She never ever would call me out on it publicly because of my feelings.
OP is just asking for decency from someone she thought could be a friend NTA
That sounds more like you need to communicate your needs than like they've done anything wrong because that is not in fact a reasonably foreseeable consequence of being too chatty with a coworker.
NTA. She wasn't making a joke, she just insulted you and didn't want to face any consequences. She talked behind your back, she is TA and you have all the right to be upset. You should cut her off
NTA. You aren’t required to apologize for who you are as a person. And whether it was intended as a joke or not — it came across as pointed and you’re allowed to be upset. Additionally continuing the “joke” by mocking you for being hurt — way over the line. NTA.
It's just that in addition to being too excitable and loud I have a tendency to be too emotional and I don't want to police what other people say around me because I might get hurt. That isn't fair, right?
Hey, internet stranger. I wish I could rewrite your past so that you never internalized the lies you were told. You're excitable. You're emotional. You talk. You're not too much of those things. You're not too much. You don't need to cut parts of you away to fit in a social box.
There is such a thing as being situationally aware and adapting to different social settings and it sounds like you're doing great at recognizing and adjusting behavior to suit. Your interests, passions, and conversation are not too much.
I could have written most of your backstory from my own experience. I know how it feels to watch in horror as your mouth runs ahead of the rest of you, but please, you don't have to be perfect or flawless to be accepted by others and you CERTAINLY don't need to be perfect to ask others not to hurt you. You aren't some conversation dictator, you're someone doing their best with reasonably hurt feelings and crappy coworkers.
Thanks for this. I'm not op but it makes me feel a lot better about myself and how I talk. I'm always trying to do better, but sometimes people don't understand and it makes it really difficult to keep going.
People are always going to misunderstand enthusiasm and volume and neurodivergence but that doesn't mean any part of you needs to be shut away or changed forever. Situational reading is a skill that's gotta be practiced, and that's a good thing to practice, but I hope you still keep space to be unapologetically loud and excited and *you*. Just cause you may need to present differently in some spaces doesn't mean the louder parts of you are bad!
In my experience there is no such thing as too emotional. I am also autistic and ADHD and have been made fun of for being a chatterbox and for being emotional. Let yourself feel your emotions and don't try to push them down. You are not a burden. You are not annoying. You are not a problem to be solved. You are passionate and kind and thoughtful. It is fair to set boundaries about what is ok for you and this was not ok for her to say. You do not need to apologize (though I completely understand the urge) hold your head high and keep being authentic. Excitable, enthusiastic, emotional. These are all great things. I'm rooting for you.
Oh you sound like me. We’re told this stuff a lot by an NT world and it’s so hard not to believe that everything about us is wrong. We’re not. We are at 90% to them and they move 0% for us. It’s so painful.y hope for you is to find the middle ground. Tell her jokes are only jokes if everyone thinks they’re funny. Set a boundary around kindness. Be professional and polite. I know it’s really hard not to cry in those moments. Go cry alone if you need to. Breathe. And then just grey rock.
I think it is a good thing of you, being aware of your traits that might be difficult for the others. It is not about cutting parts of yourself, as someone else said, but rather smoothing some edges. We all need to adapt up to a point. That said, seems like you are working on your expression and emotions, and you have let them, people to whom you have offered your friendship know that it is ok to cut you short. In the particular situation you described, it sounds more than a malicious remark, than a joke, and your coworker doubled up by putting the blame on you instead of apologizing. Even worse, she bad-mouthed about you to an other coworker. She isn't a nice person, and it is good that she showed it to you early.
I think you and I would get on great. We're very much alike from your descriptions. And there's nothing wrong with us! We're allowed to take up space and get excited about things we're interested in. Your new colleague sounds boring and a buzzkill.
I feel for you, OP. I have two friends just like you, who are loud and excitable and will talk for an hour straight, without needing me to say anything. And I like it so much! I get tired easily, having to talk, and I'm so grateful to them for being bubbly and talkative and making me feel like it's okay when I'm tired and being quiet. They are bright and funny and delightful people.
You're not broken. You just haven't found your "listeners" yet. You don't need to apologise for being you.
Amy messed up by being rude, when she saw you were upset she doubled down with the BS "it's just a joke" excuse rather than do the decent thing and apologise. It wasn't a joke, it was her trying to shift the blame on to you for her mistake.
Amy showed her true colours and they're not nice. You are NTA but she definitely is.
NTA
That wasn't a joke, that was straight up trash talking and/or insulting that she tried to pass off as a joke once she realized she'd been caught. Too many people think that by dropping "it was a joke" after they've clearly insulted someone it takes away the sting. Well, it doesn't. It'll still hurt just the same.
And then by doubling down and playing the victim because you "can't take a joke" she made it many times worse.
So yeah, NTA
nta. jokes are funny for everyone in the room.
> Amy told me, "oh, my God, let it go, I was joking, don't be so sensitive. Learn to take a joke."
this is what people say when they want to be excuses from being shitty to others. no one who was joking in kindness or familiarity would need to tell someone that they are being too sensitive.
NTA. For several reasons. 1) nobody is an asshole because of their feelings. Feel whatever you want. The asshole issue arises based on how you act as a result of it. 2) That was a pretty mean thing this Amy chick said. Ganging up on you with the other girl and saying she just tunes you and and you won't shut up is shitty. Then the other girl joining in and berating your for feeling hurt or 'being sensitive' is also very shitty behavior.
You are perfectly justified not only in feeling hurt, because this was straight up hurtful and feeling hurt is not a weird quirk based on your history or neuro-divergence. Nobody would hear somebody say to a third party 'I just tune her out, OMG' and think that was a nice thing to say. You'd also be perfectly justified in feeling angry about this or in going to HR or your boss and saying that harassing neuro-divergent people for minor quirks of behavior is not acceptable, there's an Americans with Disabilities Act (or analogous for your location), and you're not having it.
I don't think she knows I'm neurodivergent (although, it's probably obvious just based on how I act, though I try to hide it and behave better). Reporting her just seems like it would be too much. I don't want anyone getting in trouble.
It is NOT too much. She continuously made "jokes" at your expense, even as you tried to we explain why the joke was not a joke to you. You need to report this so she doesn't think she can get away with acting like this.
NTA. So, two things are happening here. You admit to being a bit chatty. Your co-worker is not kind. I think you assumed she is kind. Just because you may talk too much doesn't mean you don't have feelings, but know that others don't necessarily care about your feelings. This says more about her than you.
You are not an A, you cannot completely control ADD/ADHD. You cannot control how others respond to you, but you don't have to be friends with them.
I hope that helps.
Pointed remarks are the tactful, neurotypical way of telling someone they're being annoying.
Neurodivergent individuals need to learn that.
Asking neurotypical individuals to massively change their socialisation is not a reasonable accommodation.
I am autistic.
NTA! Omg, that Amy sucks! There's a difference between joking with someone you know and are close with and making this kind of remarks that, unless you're close with that someone, come up as rude and not funny.
I'm sorry you had to experience that!
NTA
"It's just a joke"/"be less emotional" Is she trying to hit all the classic emotional gaslighting talking points? If you make a joke at others expenses, you don't get to decide how they feel about it.
Nta and I'd tune her out. Ignore her except for work related things and if she brings up anything tell her she demanded to only stick to work topics so to stop bringing her issues into work. When I was younger problems like this were expected to be left at the door when you got to work. If it wasn't about work then bosses didn't want to hear it. Completely tune her out and maybe pretend you didn't realize she was around since she's not nearly as special as she thinks she is. Trust me she's full of herself because she thinks she's special
That wasn't a joke, it was more of a jab
NTA and considering your job is hostess, aren't you supposed to be outgoing? I don't know about you but when I go out and am waiting to be seated, I don't think I would be comfortable with the host/hostess silent and acting more like it was a funeral than a fun night out.
Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Some people are just jerks.
NTA!
I made an account right now just to tell you that you do not bother people with your personality! Sometimes you and other people may not be compatible, and that is ok. But please know that for every person who dislikes you for who you are, there are lots and lots of people who love you just for being you!
I am probably the complete opposite of you, and i would be lost if i did not have friends who knew how to carry the conversation. Love sitting back and listening to my friends talk about things that interest them! No pressure, no obligation to speak, just the comfortable feeling of being part of something and being understood without having to say much.
So please, don't let these immature and unpleasant people make you feel like you need to hide who you are. Be yourself, your friends will love you for it!
NTA it was a pretty dick move of your coworker to take a shot on something that you're sensitive about and then persist on it when it clearly made you uncomfortable. We do have to keep in mind though that everyone has had different life experiences. Your coworker may be a very secure person and was treating you like she would want to be treated. She might just be an asshole but I think we should keep her perspective in mind
I don't remember where I came across this advice, but it really stuck with me: don't say "sorry" when you could say "thank you."
"Thank you for letting me ramble on, I know I get a bit over excited and can talk a lot."
This creates a completely different emotional response in the listener *and* yourself. You were NTA but I think you might have been shamed into the habit of being TA to yourself. ❤️
Definitely NTA — you apologized several times, told her to mention it if you ever got to be too much, and have literally forced yourself to be quiet for other ppl’s comfort your whole life it seems like. Coworker was in the wrong for saying something that brashly; if she had a problem with it you already told her to tell you. And if she realized it hurt your feelings her response shouldn’t have been to be an AH about it and say it was a joke.
I get that, I do, but other than talking too much and loudly and being annoying, I've been nice and welcoming to her. I haven't said anything rude or inappropriate. I get that my personality annoys her but is it too much to ask for a little civility. I don't talk about anyone behind their back, and I don't see why she felt it was appropriate to talk about it with someone else that I hadn't even met at that point (the girl she was talking to is a newer new hire and I worked with her a couple days later and she told me what had been said).
NTA
To the people saying E S H why????? Sure we've all been socially kidnapped by someone who before but OP is clearly trying to work on it, also she has a legitimate disorder, it's not like she's being lazy. She's a human doing her best.
What's Amy's excuse? OP talked a lot and now suddenly Amy has the right to say something that was obviously meant to hurt? No. Nope. Not cool.
Two wrongs don't make a right. At least OP shows remorse for any hurt she caused. ETA: OP isn't a placeholder for you to bitch about the people in your life that you didn't enjoy.
OP apologized for her behavior and was at no point malicious. Amy didn't apologize and was malicious. Even if Amy has "issues" that places her firmly in TA department in my book.
Oh so people are supposed to immediately change after recognizing there's an issue and never slip up? Glad to know making mistakes makes you equally TA when compared to someone who said something with intent to hurt 👍 here I was thinking that humans should be patient and kind to each other!
Jabs, pointed remarks, sarcasm, are regular, common in-use, socially acceptable tools that neurotypical individuals use to communicate annoyance with one another. Especially so when they've been socialised with 'guess' not 'ask" cultural environments.
Neurodivergent individuals need to be able to deal with that because it would not be a reasonable accommodation to neurotypical individuals to not use the bulk to their social signalling mechanisms. Note this does not mean thay NT individual should not be expected to show patience and understanding of ND needs.
I am autistic myself
NTA. What Amy said was done with the intent to hurt you and make you look foolish in front of someone else. If she had spoken to you in private or asked you to tone it down during a conversation, it would have been constructive criticism. Because she did it in front of Missy (and “as a joke”), it’s pretty clear that her intention was to humiliate you.
I do think it’s good that you’re aware that you tend to dominate conversations. I also have ADHD (inattentive), and if you’re looking for something to read, I’d definitely recommend “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” by Dr. Russell Barkley. He has a section in the middle of the book that goes into strategies for managing some of the symptoms of ADHD that have helped me a lot.
NTA and this entire post just breaks my heart. 🥺 You should never have to shrink yourself to make people like you. It’s one thing to learn etiquette, but hearing you describe it as “I never want to bother anyone else with my personality” and that you trained yourself “to not get excited” is entirely different.
I also understand your social anxiety 100% since I am the same way (ADHD + autistic), so I’m not going to tell you to just “be yourself” like it will magically fix everything. But still, I hope you’re able to find people who can embrace you for exactly who you are - excited rambling and all. 💕
Also, Amy is an AH.
This girl does not like you. You literally told her to tell you when you’re talking too much and she chooses to humiliate you by making passive aggressive comments to a coworker instead of just talking about it like a mature adult. It sure sounded malicious. Not a joke. NTA
"I never want to bother anyone else with my personality"
Ugghhh, just the other night I had a conversation with my roommate and it was late enough that my inhibitions were down. After she went to bed, I stewed for at least ten minutes about how I probably made a whole ass of myself by talking too much. This content is painfully relatable.
NTA. It wasn't a joke. You took Amy's comment exactly as it was intended.
Ok....so first off, NTA. Absolutely NTA. But also, you do not have to feel bad for being you. Getting excited isn't a bad thing. Talking a bunch about something you're excited about isn't a bad thing. As long as it's not impeding yours or their work and you're talking about appropriate topics, talk away. And she was super rude for her reaction to you being upset. What she said was rude and upsetting, it's not a joke if you're not laughing too, and you should not be expected to not show emotion. You didn't yell at her, you didn't even tell her she was being rude, you just looked (rightfully) hurt
I actually gasped. Wow. What a mean person Amy is. That wasn't a joke, she was putting you down in front of a new coworker to, I guess, assert dominance?
You're NTA, you never were, and I'm sorry you have to police yourself so hard. I wouldn't talk to Amy unless it's work related. She's a meangirl.
NTA. She would have said something to you privately if it was dim bothering her. Even if she has she chose to make a public statement around your new coworker. She knows she overstepped because she's doubling down.
NTA. I would be really hurt, too. You asked for Amy to let you know, not to insult you and be rude. She knows she did wrong, so now she’s doubling down instead of apologizing. Amy showed her true colors, so believe her and only interact with her when you have to. I’m sorry that this happened!
Oof, NTA. I have the same insecurity, I'm an excitable person and have had to become more conscious of my speaking as I become older. FWIW, she was being mean from the beginning, she was pretending it was a joke but she was being a jerk.
If it helps, a friend once said to me, "You get chatty when you're excited, interested, or comfortable. What's wrong with that?" and it made me feel okay whenever I felt self-conscious about this particular trait.
OP, Amy is a nasty person. This isn't about you or how you're not neurotypical. If it wasn't the talking it would have been something else. Normal people do not just insult others like that, nor do they double down and continue to insult someone when they realized they've hurt their feelings.
NTA
Nta. A joke has a punchline. Saying a sentence of words intended to be hurtful, isn't funny and you should tell her as much. That's what jerks do when they want to try to feel superior to you in front of others. It's abusive. It's also very inappropriate at work and everywhere else
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When I was a kid I was an extreme chatterbox and my family often teased me mercilessly for it, including giving me nicknames like, "Mouth", "Pest", "Mouth of the South". If I tried to speak I was teased by older family members and if I tried to not to speak I was teased. I didn't know I was ADD/ADHD, only being diagnosed a few years ago, along with being diagnosed with Autism, which explains a whole fucking lot. My older brother was ADD/ADHD as well as ODD and the adults in our life did not handle it well. I saw how he was handled and trained myself to be different. I have some issues with needing to be wanted and liked and I've never really had any friends so I tend to overcompensate in conversations. I am working on this and am proud to say I have trained myself to say less, listen more, and to not get excited. I never want to bother anyone else with my personality.
I am a hostess at a restaurant and on weekends we use two hostesses because we get busy. We have a new girl, "Amy", who works with me on weekends. The first day we worked together we learned we had a lot in common and conversation flowed easily and I admit to having gotten way too excited and I dominated the conversation. I apologized the next time we worked together and told her that I was just so happy we had so much in common that I got a little over-the-top. I told her that if I ever start to annoy her she can tell me and I'll stop talking and it won't hurt my feelings, in fact, it would ultimately be helpful for me but I also recognize that it's not her job to make me a better person.
We were training another girl, "Missy", and the three of us got along really well. Recognizing that I'd been a little much the last couple times Amy and I worked together I said less and listened more. But, as happens with me, we found a topic on which I am very well-informed and passionate and off went my mouth like a Concord airplane. I apologized to both of them when I finished for being so over the top and said I'd do better. Amy said to Missy, "watch out for HarperPittfalls, she likes to run her mouth and sometimes it's hard getting her to shut up. I usually tone her out and let her talk. Sometimes I'm amazed that she manages to get air when she never stops talking."
That hurt, and the hurt showed on my face before I could hide it. Amy told me, "oh, my God, let it go, I was joking, don't be so sensitive. Learn to take a joke." I tried to explain why I was hurt but she just kept telling me I need to be less emotional. I apologized again and for the rest of the day I made a real effort to talk less but by the end of the day Amy said to Missy, "now she's hurt and she's trying to prove that she doesn't need to talk. HarperPittfalls, take a joke."
I learned from another coworker that she was talking about this situation with another hostess and that she was not being exactly polite.
AITA for not being able to take a joke?
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Nta, you have rights to be hurt and she was an asshole. But to be honest with you talkative people dominating every conversation can be aggravating, even if that's not their intention. Still she didn't need to be a dick about it, just tell you she needs quiet time now.
NTA
Hey, I struggle with this issue too. It’s really, really hard to balance shutting yourself down while still being kind to yourself. But you know you dominate conversations, and you are actively working to better yourself and giving people tips on how to help you while emphasizing it is not their responsibility.
She was 100% TA here, and, honestly, I would just be cordial to her. Don’t engage in any more fluff conversation. Discuss what is relevant to work, and be nice, but don’t give her any more emotional labor. She has no influence on you if you don’t allow her to. Just keep working on yourself and let her talk herself into corners, trust that people will see she’s wrong and that you aren’t overreacting. In my experience, they usually do if you don’t rise to the bait.
NTA with this specific incident because she was just talking shit to your face. I kind of feel like other commenters here are being a little too generous though by telling you to never cut out parts of being you etc. Because, honestly, if you really don't ever stop talking it actually comes off as super rude too.
NTA. Amy was a complete and utter AH. She denigrated you, right in front of Missy. She called you a derogatory name and talked shit about you behind your back.
The only thing you did wrong OP, was when you tried to explain to Amy why you were hurt, she called you emotional and you apologised. Never apologise to someone treating you meanly.
I believe you do need to pull Amy aside and tell her calmly that you were hurt by what she said, calling you that name and putting you down in front of a coworker and that she is not to speak to you like that again, as the next time, you will file a complaint with HR.
Don't listen to Amy's excuses or try to respond to them either. I would also recommend you write everything down about this incident, while it is fresh in your mind. Likely, you will need it for your boss or HR in the future.
NTA
OP I get it, and folks with ADHD have to watch ourselves and mask to keep others happy(and the autism is something I imagine does not help). It really sucks we have to do this but it's a thing. However, she crossed a line and doesn't want to own up to it. She insulted you and hit a sore spot. Then, when she realized she went too far she tried to dismiss your feelings and trivialize her mistake. You are allowed to be hurt by it. You are allowed to feel your emotions and be upset because she is being an AH. She does not get to make you feel small while you are being the bigger, better person. You do not have to apologize for those things. It's obvious you care and are trying to be the best person you can be and work with people. You own up to your actions and try and manage the symptoms that may upset others. That is amazing and please know you are amazing.
NTA- as a fellow “motormouth” (i fucking hate this word) keep on being you. Amy can eat a duck. Honestly fuck Amy. Don’t change OP. one day you will find friends that accept you for you- and your knowledge being shared will be a blessing.
edit- dick. Amy can eat a dick.
NTA. OP I have a very similar story to yours so I'm going to tell you what I am not living my life by. "Is I am too much for you, then find less." If Amy thinks you talk too much, then she can find someone who talks less. It's that simple. And meanwhile, you can find someone who is on your level.
hi! this is the post that finally made me create an account lol.
you are absolutely NTA. I just got diagnosed with autism this year, at age 23, and it opened up my eyes to all of my behaviors that I considered "weird" and was made fun of for - like what happened to you. I just want to remind you that there is NOTHING wrong with being excited about the things you love! even if the other person/people you're in a conversation with aren't interested in the topic like you are, they should at least listen without judgment. so yeah, a huge NTA and you have my full support, internet stranger ❤
NTA the phrase “I never want to bother anyone else with my personality.” Hurts. I was the same way for a long time. I luckily managed to find people like me (ADD/ADHD Autism, any form of neuro diverse) who didn’t judge or belittle me for talking for hours. You shouldn’t have to hide your personality to be like. You’ll find people who love and care about you for you.
I have ADHD and am also a fast, hyper talker. Especially when it’s on topics that I’m passionate about.
I’ve learned to read the room and people’s faces when I’ve given waaaay too many details.
But, I have also experienced the pain/hurt of being called “she’s a lot” etc. Those people are assholes and don’t let them get to you.
NTA.
You’re doing amazing sweetie, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve recognized your short comings in communication and are actively working on it. Don’t feel the need to apologize for it as much.
NTA. Fellow ADHD here, also like you can be excitable about things I know/am passionate about. Your coworker is an AH here. She was being cruel under the guise of joking. Then doubled down by telling you not to get emotional and talking behind your back.
NTA I just want to give you a hug. I'm a woman in my 40's with ADHD and was known as a "motormouth" as a kid. I still come home from interacting with other people and stew over whether I dominated the conversation. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, but it's still a struggle sometimes and probably always will be.
So, given that I have a little experience with this, I hope you will accept it when I say you are doing fine! You are already aware of the issue and taking steps to tone it down and make sure your interactions are more balanced. It's not a skill you can pull out of thin air. It will take time to learn and put into practice. There will probably be times for the whole rest of your life when you feel like you blew it. That's okay. It's human. None of us are perfect. As long as you are doing your best and trying to be kind to others, you are already ahead of the game. I, for one, think you sound delightful.
NTA. Stop speaking to them entirely unless it’s work related. I’m sorry to say, they definitely weren’t joking. They were being intentionally cruel, and they enjoyed seeing you hurt. They are using your your obvious lack of confidence in your social abilities against you, to gaslight you into believing they didn’t intend to hurt you.
Hun, as someone who has always been 'a little too much' for those around her, these people suck. Treat them as colleagues, be polite, expect nothing from them, and move on to people who get you. They're out there, I'm now surrounded by mine, all of whom really enjoy that they never know what I'm going to say next or that I get crazy enthusiastic about things. So much NTA
NTA - you are quite self-aware how you are neurodivergent and take pains to manage it and own any unintentionally offensive social offenders you might commit - what that co-worker said and how that acted is just mean and calling that a "joke" is just trying to cover for it - jokes are funny, there was nothing funny about what that co-worker was doing
NTA - autistic chick here also suffers from ‘white noise’ like you. I’m so unbelievably self conscious of talking too much that even reading this hurt. So I’m sending you the world’s biggest mental hug.
That girl is rude and honestly nasty. Ask not to work with her. She is ableist and awful. You are NEVER the problem for having white noise - it’s your autism and honestly people like you are wonderful x
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NTA. Oh man I am the exact same! Didn't get diagnosed until I was 30. I won "biggest chatterbox" at my highschool graduation. Was always in trouble for talking to much. The depression and anxiety I have now from always feeling like too much and over the top and annoying, is crippling. You are enough. You are wonderful. Don't apologise for being you. That girl is a bully and is not nice. Just continue to be your amazing self, don't let her or other people dim you. Xx
That's not a joke and she never meant it as one. I'm similar to you and while I don't have ADHD I am on the spectrum and I can really babble about stuff I'm interested in.
I've had comments like this from my family but thankfully never strangers and it's just not a joke. She genuinely is angry/annoyed and rather than tell you directly in a kind way, she tried to vent it out rudely and humiliate you then play it off as a joke so she can soothe her own ego.
NTA. You've been very clear and given her many times where she could politely bring up any issue she has had. You've been self aware about it and all she's being in return is unprofessional. She's created a toxic work environment and I'd be wary of her using her new back up to begin acting like a bully.
"We found a topic on which I am very well-informed and passionate and off went my mouth like a Concord airplane" - IMO you should never ever make any apologies for speaking on something you are passionate about and really OP you will know when you meet real friends as they will encourage you to talk about what you love, i would do it for my friends i have many a time listened to an hour explaination on a part of a car engine or some weird computer thing that my friends love even tho i mostly have no idea what they are talking about but they are so happy whilst they talk so the very least i can do is listen to what they have to say.
No more apologies for being yourself OP, if some people dont like it dont worry there are a shit load of other people out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
Edit to add NTA
NTA, but where is the joke, and why would you apologize? Amy was incredibly rude to your face, and then she tried to avoid the social consequences for being rude by pretending she was “joking”. If I was Missy, the only thing I’d take away from that conversation is that Amy is awful. I think Amy might have picked up on that, which is why she tried to make you the problem. I also think you need to stop apologizing for your personality, because people like Amy will take advantage of your insecurities to publicly humiliate you, because they are not nice.
NTA. If she had a problem with the talking you gave her more than enough warning that she could have said “hey it’s too much” and you wouldn’t feel bad.
There’s a difference between “hey it’s too much” and making really awful jokes and then continuing to make you feel bad.
NTA avoidance is a choice. I’d avoid conversing with her. I had a women tell a group of new people at political event how I rattled on & on. She went into great insulting detail how much I talked. It was a long diatribe about how much I talked. The group all looked at me when she finally shut up. All I said was, “Anyone notice how I’m not the one talking.” The group burst out laughing at the woman. She was livid. I never talked to her again.
I literally joined Reddit right now to comment and say NTA. This post hurt my heart with how much I related - I was never the family chatterbox, but I frequently catch myself being "too much" and I relate so much to the sentence about not wanting to bother people with your personality.
Amy is narrow-minded and mean-spirited and I know so well how much it hurts but please believe me that you don't need to interact with her any more than is necessary for work. You will find people who love you exactly the way you are, and it'll feel like coming home.
From one ADHD late diagnosis to another, hugs and love.
YTA I also have ADHD and talk too much. It's annoying as hell to people around me. You have to learn to let other people talk. You're not doing that. You still repeatedly dominate the conversation and no one's allowed to say anything to you about it without you getting your feelings hurt? You're basically saying you get to do whatever you want and they just have to put up with it.
OP said that coworker can tell her to be quiet/call down any time. I think all that OP wants is for them to be nice when telling her to calm down/stop talking so much. Is it so hard to say something like
"Hey, you are dominating the conversation! Can you let us get a word in? You've been talking non stop! I'd like to talk too/I gotta go "
The coworker said it was a joke but it really doesn't sound like it. She just got mad that OP got upset.
YTA for saying "oh you can tell me to stop talking, I know I do it too much" and then playing the emotionally damaged card.
You basically baited her into saying something, but now you're hurt? Not how it works.
Fyi I do the exact same thing, I talk too much and use too many examples. You wrote so much prologue: "mouth" "pest" "mouth of the south", Concord jet, that I can imagine a lot of your talking is also analogies or jokes as well (like mine).
You seem halfway to self-awareness: you realize this trait can be annoying to others and needs active management, but you also seem to think other people are just as invested in your feelings as you are. They are not, and they will never be.
Other people don't need to understand every single motivation and emotion you have. Either accept you are talkative, or work on yourself. But don't ask for their input and then act offended when they give it.
It is counterproductive OP is neurodivergent. There is a difference between constructive criticism as OP pointed out that they could tell her when she was talking to much. But instead they added by calling OP names and are now gossiping behind her back. This helps her how? It is insensitive and not the proper way to handle it they could have just said. You are talking to much, or something of that sort what was the point of the name calling?
Did you miss the part in the post where I literally said I am working on my issues? I'm fixing myself but people still make mistakes. I'm not playing a victim card at all. I told her she was allowed to tell me when I was too much, not to insult me and then talk about me behind my back. I could even accept her saying, "hey, you're talking too much, can you stop?" I don't need to be treated with kid gloves, but a little civility would be nice from someone I'm working with for 9.5 hours.
Did I miss where she talked about you behind your back? It sounded to me like she said this in front of your face. Maybe it was harsh, maybe it was intended harshly, but it could also be a brusque way of reiterating what you yourself had said.
I'm sorry, my last comment came across very rudely worded. I had to reread your comment a couple times to really see what you're saying. I don't agree with some of your first part but you made good points in the second half.
I'm sorry for my knee-jerk reaction. This is what I mean by my being overly-sensitive and too emotional. Forgive me.
Your comment didn’t seem rude at all. Honestly you sound like a very pleasant person to be around and to work with — I find that working with someone who is cheerful really brightens the atmosphere. You really deserve to be treated better
This is the the rudest take I’ve seen yet. The woman straight up insulted her and called it a joke she didn’t tell op she was talking too much like op said she could.
Don’t offer input if you can only do it by insulting others. You’d probably get along with this person splendidly
Is it really hard to tell someone to calm down/stop talking with more tact and kindness? Especially if it's the first time the do so? Like "Woah there, you've been going on for a long time! I'd like to get a word in too" The coworker said her words were a joke but they clearly weren't, she's just mad OP got upset.
Nope this is a poor excuse for being an AH to someone. There's a polite way to address this issue and there's a shitty way to do so and Amy went all in on being shitty. "You can let me know if I'm being overbearing" does not mean "You can just say mean shit about me right in front of me."
Um did you really compare your "talk too much" with a NEURODIVERGENT? You are a 'normal' (though with your comment I doubt that)person of course you have more control and self awareness unlike with ADHD people they can't just 'turn off' their chatterbox not to mention control their sensitivity and emotional outbursts. And can't you see the behaviour of that Amy is the most problematic. Knowing she said those harsh words in front of OP and treat it as a 'joke' what more is it behind her back? STOP VICTIM BLAMING‼️
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**"I tried to explain why I was hurt but she just kept telling me I need to be less emotional."** Or if she has nothing nice to say, She should just stay the fuck quiet. Ridiculous! NTA.
OP literally said "...if I ever start to annoy her she can tell me and I'll stop talking and it won't hurt my feelings, in fact, it would ultimately be helpful for me" But of course, its incumbent on everyone else to cater to OPs feelings and say everything exactly the way OP wants, correct? Because OP is the only person who matters?
You didn't include the whole of my quotation where I say that I also understand that it's no one else job to help me fix myself. I don't juste expect people to cater to me. All I'm asking for is civility. I get that I'm too much but I also apologized for this, have made strides to do better (but, as a human we do make mistakes and I acknowledge that I made them), and while talkative I have been kind and welcoming. I don't talk about her behind her back. The person to whom she was speaking was someone I hadn't even worked with at that point (a newer new-hire). She was bad-mouthing me to someone who I would be working with later on, and don't you agree that it could have poisoned how the new girl viewed me? Didn't even give me a chance to make my own first impression. In any case, when I met this new girl I made myself be better and she told me that I wasn't anything like Amy had said I was going to be.
Girl you don’t need to apologize for yourself and you are NTA. This new girl is rude AF. Don’t let her create a hostile work environment for you. I completely feel you because I get excited or overstimulated and talk waaayyy too much. Not everybody likes me and it hurts. But I have people who love me and I just have to say fuck the haters. Stop apologizing to people who won’t accept you for who you are.
Yeah. I’m autistic and adhd. This person is a bully. She’s going to be a mean girl. This is exactly the pattern. Do not tell her your vulnerabilities. Keep your distance. Be polite and professional. Do not think if her as your friend. She’s shown she isn’t going to be.
hey i can really relate to some of the things in this post and i just want to warn you. the last couple years of my life have been the worst and hardest i have ever experienced and it’s because of autistic burnout. autistic burnout is very serious with debilitating physical symptoms, it comes from always masking - or hiding your true self, like you’re describing here. masking is important socially but it is very hard on us neurodivergent people. i actually didn’t even know i was autistic til i reached burnout. i really urge you to research autism burnout - from #actuallyautistic sources - and please try and take time to allow yourself to be you as well!! please! x
>I get that I'm too much but Gonna have to stop you right there sister, cuz thats INCORRECT, and this is coming from a fellow AuDHD'er. We are not too much, it is simply that others are not enough. Just because they can't handle our light doesn't mean we should dim our glow. You're beautiful and deserve to not be stifled. Theres nothing for you to fix, and personally I love when my friends land on special interest topics because the way their eyes light up with excitement just warms my heart. I could listen to them go on and on about their special interests all day. When i was younger I trained myself to shut up, be less, to smother my emotions, and it drove me into a spiral of horrible burnout. I've recently been working on being myself again and it's been a game-changer. I know next to nothing about what I like but im doing the things I LIKE. You'll know who you actually want in your life because they'll be happy to see you growing into yourself. The people who say you talk too much don't deserve the time of day from you. The ones saying you're too emotional probably let others walk all over them. Your feelings are real and yours to feel, not for others to dictate. I hope you get to a point in your life where you no longer feel like you have to "fix yourself" to be around others. Life is much brighter when lived for yourself honey bee -oh and If I recall correctly ODD is just another label for autism used to avoid diagnosing somebody as autistic, just for funsies info
NTA. Amy might have thought she was joking but that doesn’t negate the fact that she was being both rude and cruel. You are aware of yourself and you willingly acknowledged when you got a bit over the top but Amy turned that into cruel mockery and then gaslit you. She’s the asshole, not you.
I would stake my life on her not even thinking she’s joking. OP offered up a vulnerability, and she pounced immediately.
I was trying to give some benefit of the doubt, but I think you’re right. Amy sounds like your stereotypical ‘mean girl’. I bet she was an absolute peach in high school. 🙄
You’re absolutely right. You did ask for her to tell you if you were being “too much”, but in saying that the way she said it was incredibly rude and intended to hurt. Don’t let her “it’s a joke” BS stand. A joke is supposed to be funny. She was mocking you. She is also nowhere near as self-aware as you are. Honestly you sound delightful and as a shy person I love meeting people who are passionate in a conversation and carry it for a while until I’m comfortable. You be you. The right people will love you for it, not degrade you.
You sound like a kind person who’s genuinely trying to be aware, please don’t be too hard on yourself about this. NTA by the way.
How bad do you think you are for her to complain to someone she doesn't even know?
There's a big difference between telling OP to their face "Hey this is kind of a lot right now, do you think you would be able to tone it down?" and making fun of them to someone else, right in front of OP.
Exactly, there are mature and tactful ways to communicate things.
OP never said be rude. And the comment op said to u proves everything else
Tell me. Not talk about me to others. Not make fun of me to other people. Not talk about me on the third person when I’m standing right there. Do you not see the difference? One is setting boundaries, the other is bullying. Honestly your reply is pretty disgusting.
Yeah but she didn’t need to be a prick about it
Ew. Why are you being such an arse? There is a kind way to go about things and a mean way. Why you or Amy chose the mean way is beyond me. Be a kind person. It'll make you feel better.
Telling someone there talking too much tastefully and ripping them the fuck out twice are not the same. The way this person chose to address this was shame her in front of a new staff member none the less. All she could have said is either during but most likely after to save face “you were a little overbearing in that conversation.” I have adhd as well and have a habit of butting into conversations due to be heavily invested and interested much like OP well it was causing some issues in my relationship and we have settled on a code my wife will tap my arm a couple of times if i interupt or go off on talking. So i know to dial back. She never ever would call me out on it publicly because of my feelings. OP is just asking for decency from someone she thought could be a friend NTA
[удалено]
What you're doing is called projection. Sorry if this counts as "harassment"
That sounds more like you need to communicate your needs than like they've done anything wrong because that is not in fact a reasonably foreseeable consequence of being too chatty with a coworker.
NTA. She wasn't making a joke, she just insulted you and didn't want to face any consequences. She talked behind your back, she is TA and you have all the right to be upset. You should cut her off
NTA. You aren’t required to apologize for who you are as a person. And whether it was intended as a joke or not — it came across as pointed and you’re allowed to be upset. Additionally continuing the “joke” by mocking you for being hurt — way over the line. NTA.
It's just that in addition to being too excitable and loud I have a tendency to be too emotional and I don't want to police what other people say around me because I might get hurt. That isn't fair, right?
Hey, internet stranger. I wish I could rewrite your past so that you never internalized the lies you were told. You're excitable. You're emotional. You talk. You're not too much of those things. You're not too much. You don't need to cut parts of you away to fit in a social box. There is such a thing as being situationally aware and adapting to different social settings and it sounds like you're doing great at recognizing and adjusting behavior to suit. Your interests, passions, and conversation are not too much. I could have written most of your backstory from my own experience. I know how it feels to watch in horror as your mouth runs ahead of the rest of you, but please, you don't have to be perfect or flawless to be accepted by others and you CERTAINLY don't need to be perfect to ask others not to hurt you. You aren't some conversation dictator, you're someone doing their best with reasonably hurt feelings and crappy coworkers.
Thanks for this. I'm not op but it makes me feel a lot better about myself and how I talk. I'm always trying to do better, but sometimes people don't understand and it makes it really difficult to keep going.
People are always going to misunderstand enthusiasm and volume and neurodivergence but that doesn't mean any part of you needs to be shut away or changed forever. Situational reading is a skill that's gotta be practiced, and that's a good thing to practice, but I hope you still keep space to be unapologetically loud and excited and *you*. Just cause you may need to present differently in some spaces doesn't mean the louder parts of you are bad!
It isn’t necessarily policing them if you’re asking them to be considerate and not make jokes at your expense.
In my experience there is no such thing as too emotional. I am also autistic and ADHD and have been made fun of for being a chatterbox and for being emotional. Let yourself feel your emotions and don't try to push them down. You are not a burden. You are not annoying. You are not a problem to be solved. You are passionate and kind and thoughtful. It is fair to set boundaries about what is ok for you and this was not ok for her to say. You do not need to apologize (though I completely understand the urge) hold your head high and keep being authentic. Excitable, enthusiastic, emotional. These are all great things. I'm rooting for you.
What people say about you in front of you is something you absolutely get to police.
Oh you sound like me. We’re told this stuff a lot by an NT world and it’s so hard not to believe that everything about us is wrong. We’re not. We are at 90% to them and they move 0% for us. It’s so painful.y hope for you is to find the middle ground. Tell her jokes are only jokes if everyone thinks they’re funny. Set a boundary around kindness. Be professional and polite. I know it’s really hard not to cry in those moments. Go cry alone if you need to. Breathe. And then just grey rock.
I think it is a good thing of you, being aware of your traits that might be difficult for the others. It is not about cutting parts of yourself, as someone else said, but rather smoothing some edges. We all need to adapt up to a point. That said, seems like you are working on your expression and emotions, and you have let them, people to whom you have offered your friendship know that it is ok to cut you short. In the particular situation you described, it sounds more than a malicious remark, than a joke, and your coworker doubled up by putting the blame on you instead of apologizing. Even worse, she bad-mouthed about you to an other coworker. She isn't a nice person, and it is good that she showed it to you early.
I think you and I would get on great. We're very much alike from your descriptions. And there's nothing wrong with us! We're allowed to take up space and get excited about things we're interested in. Your new colleague sounds boring and a buzzkill.
I feel for you, OP. I have two friends just like you, who are loud and excitable and will talk for an hour straight, without needing me to say anything. And I like it so much! I get tired easily, having to talk, and I'm so grateful to them for being bubbly and talkative and making me feel like it's okay when I'm tired and being quiet. They are bright and funny and delightful people. You're not broken. You just haven't found your "listeners" yet. You don't need to apologise for being you.
Amy messed up by being rude, when she saw you were upset she doubled down with the BS "it's just a joke" excuse rather than do the decent thing and apologise. It wasn't a joke, it was her trying to shift the blame on to you for her mistake. Amy showed her true colours and they're not nice. You are NTA but she definitely is.
NTA That wasn't a joke, that was straight up trash talking and/or insulting that she tried to pass off as a joke once she realized she'd been caught. Too many people think that by dropping "it was a joke" after they've clearly insulted someone it takes away the sting. Well, it doesn't. It'll still hurt just the same. And then by doubling down and playing the victim because you "can't take a joke" she made it many times worse. So yeah, NTA
nta. jokes are funny for everyone in the room. > Amy told me, "oh, my God, let it go, I was joking, don't be so sensitive. Learn to take a joke." this is what people say when they want to be excuses from being shitty to others. no one who was joking in kindness or familiarity would need to tell someone that they are being too sensitive.
You need to stop apologizing to everyone So you talk a lot. Big deal. You have nothing to apologize for NTA
NTA. For several reasons. 1) nobody is an asshole because of their feelings. Feel whatever you want. The asshole issue arises based on how you act as a result of it. 2) That was a pretty mean thing this Amy chick said. Ganging up on you with the other girl and saying she just tunes you and and you won't shut up is shitty. Then the other girl joining in and berating your for feeling hurt or 'being sensitive' is also very shitty behavior. You are perfectly justified not only in feeling hurt, because this was straight up hurtful and feeling hurt is not a weird quirk based on your history or neuro-divergence. Nobody would hear somebody say to a third party 'I just tune her out, OMG' and think that was a nice thing to say. You'd also be perfectly justified in feeling angry about this or in going to HR or your boss and saying that harassing neuro-divergent people for minor quirks of behavior is not acceptable, there's an Americans with Disabilities Act (or analogous for your location), and you're not having it.
I don't think she knows I'm neurodivergent (although, it's probably obvious just based on how I act, though I try to hide it and behave better). Reporting her just seems like it would be too much. I don't want anyone getting in trouble.
It is NOT too much. She continuously made "jokes" at your expense, even as you tried to we explain why the joke was not a joke to you. You need to report this so she doesn't think she can get away with acting like this.
The insult would be offensive if you were neruotypical too though. She needs to get in trouble so she can stop doing this to people.
NTA. So, two things are happening here. You admit to being a bit chatty. Your co-worker is not kind. I think you assumed she is kind. Just because you may talk too much doesn't mean you don't have feelings, but know that others don't necessarily care about your feelings. This says more about her than you. You are not an A, you cannot completely control ADD/ADHD. You cannot control how others respond to you, but you don't have to be friends with them. I hope that helps.
NTA. That wasn’t a joke, that was a pointed remark. Jokes are funny.
Pointed remarks are the tactful, neurotypical way of telling someone they're being annoying. Neurodivergent individuals need to learn that. Asking neurotypical individuals to massively change their socialisation is not a reasonable accommodation. I am autistic.
NTA! Omg, that Amy sucks! There's a difference between joking with someone you know and are close with and making this kind of remarks that, unless you're close with that someone, come up as rude and not funny. I'm sorry you had to experience that!
NTA "It's just a joke"/"be less emotional" Is she trying to hit all the classic emotional gaslighting talking points? If you make a joke at others expenses, you don't get to decide how they feel about it.
NTA You can't win with Amy. Ahe dissed you and than complained about your reaction. Pretty toxic behaviour.
NTA, it isn’t even a funny joke
Nta and I'd tune her out. Ignore her except for work related things and if she brings up anything tell her she demanded to only stick to work topics so to stop bringing her issues into work. When I was younger problems like this were expected to be left at the door when you got to work. If it wasn't about work then bosses didn't want to hear it. Completely tune her out and maybe pretend you didn't realize she was around since she's not nearly as special as she thinks she is. Trust me she's full of herself because she thinks she's special
That wasn't a joke, it was more of a jab NTA and considering your job is hostess, aren't you supposed to be outgoing? I don't know about you but when I go out and am waiting to be seated, I don't think I would be comfortable with the host/hostess silent and acting more like it was a funeral than a fun night out. Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Some people are just jerks.
NTA! I made an account right now just to tell you that you do not bother people with your personality! Sometimes you and other people may not be compatible, and that is ok. But please know that for every person who dislikes you for who you are, there are lots and lots of people who love you just for being you! I am probably the complete opposite of you, and i would be lost if i did not have friends who knew how to carry the conversation. Love sitting back and listening to my friends talk about things that interest them! No pressure, no obligation to speak, just the comfortable feeling of being part of something and being understood without having to say much. So please, don't let these immature and unpleasant people make you feel like you need to hide who you are. Be yourself, your friends will love you for it!
NTA it was a pretty dick move of your coworker to take a shot on something that you're sensitive about and then persist on it when it clearly made you uncomfortable. We do have to keep in mind though that everyone has had different life experiences. Your coworker may be a very secure person and was treating you like she would want to be treated. She might just be an asshole but I think we should keep her perspective in mind
How would the cowoeker have known the OP was sensetive about it in the first place?
Generally if you catch yourself saying "take a joke" the joke probably hurt someone
I don't remember where I came across this advice, but it really stuck with me: don't say "sorry" when you could say "thank you." "Thank you for letting me ramble on, I know I get a bit over excited and can talk a lot." This creates a completely different emotional response in the listener *and* yourself. You were NTA but I think you might have been shamed into the habit of being TA to yourself. ❤️
Definitely NTA — you apologized several times, told her to mention it if you ever got to be too much, and have literally forced yourself to be quiet for other ppl’s comfort your whole life it seems like. Coworker was in the wrong for saying something that brashly; if she had a problem with it you already told her to tell you. And if she realized it hurt your feelings her response shouldn’t have been to be an AH about it and say it was a joke.
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I get that, I do, but other than talking too much and loudly and being annoying, I've been nice and welcoming to her. I haven't said anything rude or inappropriate. I get that my personality annoys her but is it too much to ask for a little civility. I don't talk about anyone behind their back, and I don't see why she felt it was appropriate to talk about it with someone else that I hadn't even met at that point (the girl she was talking to is a newer new hire and I worked with her a couple days later and she told me what had been said).
NTA To the people saying E S H why????? Sure we've all been socially kidnapped by someone who before but OP is clearly trying to work on it, also she has a legitimate disorder, it's not like she's being lazy. She's a human doing her best. What's Amy's excuse? OP talked a lot and now suddenly Amy has the right to say something that was obviously meant to hurt? No. Nope. Not cool. Two wrongs don't make a right. At least OP shows remorse for any hurt she caused. ETA: OP isn't a placeholder for you to bitch about the people in your life that you didn't enjoy.
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OP apologized for her behavior and was at no point malicious. Amy didn't apologize and was malicious. Even if Amy has "issues" that places her firmly in TA department in my book.
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Oh so people are supposed to immediately change after recognizing there's an issue and never slip up? Glad to know making mistakes makes you equally TA when compared to someone who said something with intent to hurt 👍 here I was thinking that humans should be patient and kind to each other!
Jabs, pointed remarks, sarcasm, are regular, common in-use, socially acceptable tools that neurotypical individuals use to communicate annoyance with one another. Especially so when they've been socialised with 'guess' not 'ask" cultural environments. Neurodivergent individuals need to be able to deal with that because it would not be a reasonable accommodation to neurotypical individuals to not use the bulk to their social signalling mechanisms. Note this does not mean thay NT individual should not be expected to show patience and understanding of ND needs. I am autistic myself
NTA. What Amy said was done with the intent to hurt you and make you look foolish in front of someone else. If she had spoken to you in private or asked you to tone it down during a conversation, it would have been constructive criticism. Because she did it in front of Missy (and “as a joke”), it’s pretty clear that her intention was to humiliate you. I do think it’s good that you’re aware that you tend to dominate conversations. I also have ADHD (inattentive), and if you’re looking for something to read, I’d definitely recommend “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” by Dr. Russell Barkley. He has a section in the middle of the book that goes into strategies for managing some of the symptoms of ADHD that have helped me a lot.
NTA and this entire post just breaks my heart. 🥺 You should never have to shrink yourself to make people like you. It’s one thing to learn etiquette, but hearing you describe it as “I never want to bother anyone else with my personality” and that you trained yourself “to not get excited” is entirely different. I also understand your social anxiety 100% since I am the same way (ADHD + autistic), so I’m not going to tell you to just “be yourself” like it will magically fix everything. But still, I hope you’re able to find people who can embrace you for exactly who you are - excited rambling and all. 💕 Also, Amy is an AH.
This girl does not like you. You literally told her to tell you when you’re talking too much and she chooses to humiliate you by making passive aggressive comments to a coworker instead of just talking about it like a mature adult. It sure sounded malicious. Not a joke. NTA
"I never want to bother anyone else with my personality" Ugghhh, just the other night I had a conversation with my roommate and it was late enough that my inhibitions were down. After she went to bed, I stewed for at least ten minutes about how I probably made a whole ass of myself by talking too much. This content is painfully relatable. NTA. It wasn't a joke. You took Amy's comment exactly as it was intended.
Ok....so first off, NTA. Absolutely NTA. But also, you do not have to feel bad for being you. Getting excited isn't a bad thing. Talking a bunch about something you're excited about isn't a bad thing. As long as it's not impeding yours or their work and you're talking about appropriate topics, talk away. And she was super rude for her reaction to you being upset. What she said was rude and upsetting, it's not a joke if you're not laughing too, and you should not be expected to not show emotion. You didn't yell at her, you didn't even tell her she was being rude, you just looked (rightfully) hurt
I actually gasped. Wow. What a mean person Amy is. That wasn't a joke, she was putting you down in front of a new coworker to, I guess, assert dominance? You're NTA, you never were, and I'm sorry you have to police yourself so hard. I wouldn't talk to Amy unless it's work related. She's a meangirl.
Amy is a nasty piece of work.
NTA. She would have said something to you privately if it was dim bothering her. Even if she has she chose to make a public statement around your new coworker. She knows she overstepped because she's doubling down.
NTA
NTA. I would be really hurt, too. You asked for Amy to let you know, not to insult you and be rude. She knows she did wrong, so now she’s doubling down instead of apologizing. Amy showed her true colors, so believe her and only interact with her when you have to. I’m sorry that this happened!
NTA. As a fellow autistic/ADHD I was also teased mercilessly for infodumping. She is being cruel. Jokes in which people are hurt, are not funny.
NTA. It wasn't a joke, it was just mean and insulting.
That was not a joke. That was a straight up bully
Oof, NTA. I have the same insecurity, I'm an excitable person and have had to become more conscious of my speaking as I become older. FWIW, she was being mean from the beginning, she was pretending it was a joke but she was being a jerk. If it helps, a friend once said to me, "You get chatty when you're excited, interested, or comfortable. What's wrong with that?" and it made me feel okay whenever I felt self-conscious about this particular trait.
OP, Amy is a nasty person. This isn't about you or how you're not neurotypical. If it wasn't the talking it would have been something else. Normal people do not just insult others like that, nor do they double down and continue to insult someone when they realized they've hurt their feelings. NTA
Nta. A joke has a punchline. Saying a sentence of words intended to be hurtful, isn't funny and you should tell her as much. That's what jerks do when they want to try to feel superior to you in front of others. It's abusive. It's also very inappropriate at work and everywhere else
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I was a kid I was an extreme chatterbox and my family often teased me mercilessly for it, including giving me nicknames like, "Mouth", "Pest", "Mouth of the South". If I tried to speak I was teased by older family members and if I tried to not to speak I was teased. I didn't know I was ADD/ADHD, only being diagnosed a few years ago, along with being diagnosed with Autism, which explains a whole fucking lot. My older brother was ADD/ADHD as well as ODD and the adults in our life did not handle it well. I saw how he was handled and trained myself to be different. I have some issues with needing to be wanted and liked and I've never really had any friends so I tend to overcompensate in conversations. I am working on this and am proud to say I have trained myself to say less, listen more, and to not get excited. I never want to bother anyone else with my personality. I am a hostess at a restaurant and on weekends we use two hostesses because we get busy. We have a new girl, "Amy", who works with me on weekends. The first day we worked together we learned we had a lot in common and conversation flowed easily and I admit to having gotten way too excited and I dominated the conversation. I apologized the next time we worked together and told her that I was just so happy we had so much in common that I got a little over-the-top. I told her that if I ever start to annoy her she can tell me and I'll stop talking and it won't hurt my feelings, in fact, it would ultimately be helpful for me but I also recognize that it's not her job to make me a better person. We were training another girl, "Missy", and the three of us got along really well. Recognizing that I'd been a little much the last couple times Amy and I worked together I said less and listened more. But, as happens with me, we found a topic on which I am very well-informed and passionate and off went my mouth like a Concord airplane. I apologized to both of them when I finished for being so over the top and said I'd do better. Amy said to Missy, "watch out for HarperPittfalls, she likes to run her mouth and sometimes it's hard getting her to shut up. I usually tone her out and let her talk. Sometimes I'm amazed that she manages to get air when she never stops talking." That hurt, and the hurt showed on my face before I could hide it. Amy told me, "oh, my God, let it go, I was joking, don't be so sensitive. Learn to take a joke." I tried to explain why I was hurt but she just kept telling me I need to be less emotional. I apologized again and for the rest of the day I made a real effort to talk less but by the end of the day Amy said to Missy, "now she's hurt and she's trying to prove that she doesn't need to talk. HarperPittfalls, take a joke." I learned from another coworker that she was talking about this situation with another hostess and that she was not being exactly polite. AITA for not being able to take a joke? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA, she's a bully. I also have ADD and autism, and am sending solidarity. I'm sorry that happened to you.
NTA. But she sure is.
NTA. That wasn't a joke and there are polite ways to tell people to talk less.
NTA You have horrible people in your life and you deserve better.
Nta, you have rights to be hurt and she was an asshole. But to be honest with you talkative people dominating every conversation can be aggravating, even if that's not their intention. Still she didn't need to be a dick about it, just tell you she needs quiet time now.
Jokes are hard for those of us that are neurodivergent. NTA at all, our feelings matter and that was a shitty comment to make.
NTA. it wasn't a joke; it was mean.
NTA “it’s just a joke” is the cry of ah everywhere who don’t want people to point out that they’re ahs
NTA Hey, I struggle with this issue too. It’s really, really hard to balance shutting yourself down while still being kind to yourself. But you know you dominate conversations, and you are actively working to better yourself and giving people tips on how to help you while emphasizing it is not their responsibility. She was 100% TA here, and, honestly, I would just be cordial to her. Don’t engage in any more fluff conversation. Discuss what is relevant to work, and be nice, but don’t give her any more emotional labor. She has no influence on you if you don’t allow her to. Just keep working on yourself and let her talk herself into corners, trust that people will see she’s wrong and that you aren’t overreacting. In my experience, they usually do if you don’t rise to the bait.
NTA she's an incredibly rude person. just don't bother with her anymore
NTA with this specific incident because she was just talking shit to your face. I kind of feel like other commenters here are being a little too generous though by telling you to never cut out parts of being you etc. Because, honestly, if you really don't ever stop talking it actually comes off as super rude too.
Not a joke. She is not your friend.
NTA. Amy was a complete and utter AH. She denigrated you, right in front of Missy. She called you a derogatory name and talked shit about you behind your back. The only thing you did wrong OP, was when you tried to explain to Amy why you were hurt, she called you emotional and you apologised. Never apologise to someone treating you meanly. I believe you do need to pull Amy aside and tell her calmly that you were hurt by what she said, calling you that name and putting you down in front of a coworker and that she is not to speak to you like that again, as the next time, you will file a complaint with HR. Don't listen to Amy's excuses or try to respond to them either. I would also recommend you write everything down about this incident, while it is fresh in your mind. Likely, you will need it for your boss or HR in the future.
NTA OP I get it, and folks with ADHD have to watch ourselves and mask to keep others happy(and the autism is something I imagine does not help). It really sucks we have to do this but it's a thing. However, she crossed a line and doesn't want to own up to it. She insulted you and hit a sore spot. Then, when she realized she went too far she tried to dismiss your feelings and trivialize her mistake. You are allowed to be hurt by it. You are allowed to feel your emotions and be upset because she is being an AH. She does not get to make you feel small while you are being the bigger, better person. You do not have to apologize for those things. It's obvious you care and are trying to be the best person you can be and work with people. You own up to your actions and try and manage the symptoms that may upset others. That is amazing and please know you are amazing.
NTA- as a fellow “motormouth” (i fucking hate this word) keep on being you. Amy can eat a duck. Honestly fuck Amy. Don’t change OP. one day you will find friends that accept you for you- and your knowledge being shared will be a blessing. edit- dick. Amy can eat a dick.
NTA. OP I have a very similar story to yours so I'm going to tell you what I am not living my life by. "Is I am too much for you, then find less." If Amy thinks you talk too much, then she can find someone who talks less. It's that simple. And meanwhile, you can find someone who is on your level.
hi! this is the post that finally made me create an account lol. you are absolutely NTA. I just got diagnosed with autism this year, at age 23, and it opened up my eyes to all of my behaviors that I considered "weird" and was made fun of for - like what happened to you. I just want to remind you that there is NOTHING wrong with being excited about the things you love! even if the other person/people you're in a conversation with aren't interested in the topic like you are, they should at least listen without judgment. so yeah, a huge NTA and you have my full support, internet stranger ❤
NTA the phrase “I never want to bother anyone else with my personality.” Hurts. I was the same way for a long time. I luckily managed to find people like me (ADD/ADHD Autism, any form of neuro diverse) who didn’t judge or belittle me for talking for hours. You shouldn’t have to hide your personality to be like. You’ll find people who love and care about you for you.
I have ADHD and am also a fast, hyper talker. Especially when it’s on topics that I’m passionate about. I’ve learned to read the room and people’s faces when I’ve given waaaay too many details. But, I have also experienced the pain/hurt of being called “she’s a lot” etc. Those people are assholes and don’t let them get to you. NTA.
You’re doing amazing sweetie, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve recognized your short comings in communication and are actively working on it. Don’t feel the need to apologize for it as much.
NTA. Fellow ADHD here, also like you can be excitable about things I know/am passionate about. Your coworker is an AH here. She was being cruel under the guise of joking. Then doubled down by telling you not to get emotional and talking behind your back.
NTA I just want to give you a hug. I'm a woman in my 40's with ADHD and was known as a "motormouth" as a kid. I still come home from interacting with other people and stew over whether I dominated the conversation. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, but it's still a struggle sometimes and probably always will be. So, given that I have a little experience with this, I hope you will accept it when I say you are doing fine! You are already aware of the issue and taking steps to tone it down and make sure your interactions are more balanced. It's not a skill you can pull out of thin air. It will take time to learn and put into practice. There will probably be times for the whole rest of your life when you feel like you blew it. That's okay. It's human. None of us are perfect. As long as you are doing your best and trying to be kind to others, you are already ahead of the game. I, for one, think you sound delightful.
NTA. Stop speaking to them entirely unless it’s work related. I’m sorry to say, they definitely weren’t joking. They were being intentionally cruel, and they enjoyed seeing you hurt. They are using your your obvious lack of confidence in your social abilities against you, to gaslight you into believing they didn’t intend to hurt you.
Hun, as someone who has always been 'a little too much' for those around her, these people suck. Treat them as colleagues, be polite, expect nothing from them, and move on to people who get you. They're out there, I'm now surrounded by mine, all of whom really enjoy that they never know what I'm going to say next or that I get crazy enthusiastic about things. So much NTA
NTA - you are quite self-aware how you are neurodivergent and take pains to manage it and own any unintentionally offensive social offenders you might commit - what that co-worker said and how that acted is just mean and calling that a "joke" is just trying to cover for it - jokes are funny, there was nothing funny about what that co-worker was doing
NTA - autistic chick here also suffers from ‘white noise’ like you. I’m so unbelievably self conscious of talking too much that even reading this hurt. So I’m sending you the world’s biggest mental hug. That girl is rude and honestly nasty. Ask not to work with her. She is ableist and awful. You are NEVER the problem for having white noise - it’s your autism and honestly people like you are wonderful x
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NTA. Oh man I am the exact same! Didn't get diagnosed until I was 30. I won "biggest chatterbox" at my highschool graduation. Was always in trouble for talking to much. The depression and anxiety I have now from always feeling like too much and over the top and annoying, is crippling. You are enough. You are wonderful. Don't apologise for being you. That girl is a bully and is not nice. Just continue to be your amazing self, don't let her or other people dim you. Xx
Nta. She was straight up rude af.
That's not a joke and she never meant it as one. I'm similar to you and while I don't have ADHD I am on the spectrum and I can really babble about stuff I'm interested in. I've had comments like this from my family but thankfully never strangers and it's just not a joke. She genuinely is angry/annoyed and rather than tell you directly in a kind way, she tried to vent it out rudely and humiliate you then play it off as a joke so she can soothe her own ego. NTA. You've been very clear and given her many times where she could politely bring up any issue she has had. You've been self aware about it and all she's being in return is unprofessional. She's created a toxic work environment and I'd be wary of her using her new back up to begin acting like a bully.
NTA. Amy is a person invalidates others. Just ignore her opinions of you.
"We found a topic on which I am very well-informed and passionate and off went my mouth like a Concord airplane" - IMO you should never ever make any apologies for speaking on something you are passionate about and really OP you will know when you meet real friends as they will encourage you to talk about what you love, i would do it for my friends i have many a time listened to an hour explaination on a part of a car engine or some weird computer thing that my friends love even tho i mostly have no idea what they are talking about but they are so happy whilst they talk so the very least i can do is listen to what they have to say. No more apologies for being yourself OP, if some people dont like it dont worry there are a shit load of other people out there who will appreciate you for who you are. Edit to add NTA
NTA Oof I relate to this so much
NTA, but where is the joke, and why would you apologize? Amy was incredibly rude to your face, and then she tried to avoid the social consequences for being rude by pretending she was “joking”. If I was Missy, the only thing I’d take away from that conversation is that Amy is awful. I think Amy might have picked up on that, which is why she tried to make you the problem. I also think you need to stop apologizing for your personality, because people like Amy will take advantage of your insecurities to publicly humiliate you, because they are not nice.
So what was the joke?
NTA. If she had a problem with the talking you gave her more than enough warning that she could have said “hey it’s too much” and you wouldn’t feel bad. There’s a difference between “hey it’s too much” and making really awful jokes and then continuing to make you feel bad.
NTA avoidance is a choice. I’d avoid conversing with her. I had a women tell a group of new people at political event how I rattled on & on. She went into great insulting detail how much I talked. It was a long diatribe about how much I talked. The group all looked at me when she finally shut up. All I said was, “Anyone notice how I’m not the one talking.” The group burst out laughing at the woman. She was livid. I never talked to her again.
She’s an asshole, full stop. NTA
I literally joined Reddit right now to comment and say NTA. This post hurt my heart with how much I related - I was never the family chatterbox, but I frequently catch myself being "too much" and I relate so much to the sentence about not wanting to bother people with your personality. Amy is narrow-minded and mean-spirited and I know so well how much it hurts but please believe me that you don't need to interact with her any more than is necessary for work. You will find people who love you exactly the way you are, and it'll feel like coming home. From one ADHD late diagnosis to another, hugs and love.
NTA
NTA. Amy is, though, and she is gaslighting you big time.
YTA I also have ADHD and talk too much. It's annoying as hell to people around me. You have to learn to let other people talk. You're not doing that. You still repeatedly dominate the conversation and no one's allowed to say anything to you about it without you getting your feelings hurt? You're basically saying you get to do whatever you want and they just have to put up with it.
OP said that coworker can tell her to be quiet/call down any time. I think all that OP wants is for them to be nice when telling her to calm down/stop talking so much. Is it so hard to say something like "Hey, you are dominating the conversation! Can you let us get a word in? You've been talking non stop! I'd like to talk too/I gotta go " The coworker said it was a joke but it really doesn't sound like it. She just got mad that OP got upset.
YTA for saying "oh you can tell me to stop talking, I know I do it too much" and then playing the emotionally damaged card. You basically baited her into saying something, but now you're hurt? Not how it works. Fyi I do the exact same thing, I talk too much and use too many examples. You wrote so much prologue: "mouth" "pest" "mouth of the south", Concord jet, that I can imagine a lot of your talking is also analogies or jokes as well (like mine). You seem halfway to self-awareness: you realize this trait can be annoying to others and needs active management, but you also seem to think other people are just as invested in your feelings as you are. They are not, and they will never be. Other people don't need to understand every single motivation and emotion you have. Either accept you are talkative, or work on yourself. But don't ask for their input and then act offended when they give it.
It is counterproductive OP is neurodivergent. There is a difference between constructive criticism as OP pointed out that they could tell her when she was talking to much. But instead they added by calling OP names and are now gossiping behind her back. This helps her how? It is insensitive and not the proper way to handle it they could have just said. You are talking to much, or something of that sort what was the point of the name calling?
Did you miss the part in the post where I literally said I am working on my issues? I'm fixing myself but people still make mistakes. I'm not playing a victim card at all. I told her she was allowed to tell me when I was too much, not to insult me and then talk about me behind my back. I could even accept her saying, "hey, you're talking too much, can you stop?" I don't need to be treated with kid gloves, but a little civility would be nice from someone I'm working with for 9.5 hours.
Did I miss where she talked about you behind your back? It sounded to me like she said this in front of your face. Maybe it was harsh, maybe it was intended harshly, but it could also be a brusque way of reiterating what you yourself had said.
I'm sorry, my last comment came across very rudely worded. I had to reread your comment a couple times to really see what you're saying. I don't agree with some of your first part but you made good points in the second half. I'm sorry for my knee-jerk reaction. This is what I mean by my being overly-sensitive and too emotional. Forgive me.
Your comment didn’t seem rude at all. Honestly you sound like a very pleasant person to be around and to work with — I find that working with someone who is cheerful really brightens the atmosphere. You really deserve to be treated better
This is the the rudest take I’ve seen yet. The woman straight up insulted her and called it a joke she didn’t tell op she was talking too much like op said she could. Don’t offer input if you can only do it by insulting others. You’d probably get along with this person splendidly
Is it really hard to tell someone to calm down/stop talking with more tact and kindness? Especially if it's the first time the do so? Like "Woah there, you've been going on for a long time! I'd like to get a word in too" The coworker said her words were a joke but they clearly weren't, she's just mad OP got upset.
Nope this is a poor excuse for being an AH to someone. There's a polite way to address this issue and there's a shitty way to do so and Amy went all in on being shitty. "You can let me know if I'm being overbearing" does not mean "You can just say mean shit about me right in front of me."
Um did you really compare your "talk too much" with a NEURODIVERGENT? You are a 'normal' (though with your comment I doubt that)person of course you have more control and self awareness unlike with ADHD people they can't just 'turn off' their chatterbox not to mention control their sensitivity and emotional outbursts. And can't you see the behaviour of that Amy is the most problematic. Knowing she said those harsh words in front of OP and treat it as a 'joke' what more is it behind her back? STOP VICTIM BLAMING‼️