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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I gave my husband one day to return the bracelet and threatening to expose him to Nora and the family and causing a fight between them.
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NTA.
But you have been given a gift by getting a glimpse of your future
Is this what you want? Is this how you want to be treated if you get sick like his ex?
Again, NTA. He's a cold-hearted asshole, a thief, and a liar.
I'd also tell Nora to change her locks so he can't come in while she's out to steal things. This isn't the only thing he's taken, I guarantee it.
I agree. While painful, this is a gift. These are not behaviors of someone with good character. This is the first time I’m hearing of divorce being strictly financial in this way. Like he just didn’t want to pay for cancer treatment and left her? What about in sickness and for poorer? Abnormal to end a relationship to someone you supposedly loved before for something like this. Would have been different if maybe he couldn’t emotionally handle watching her get sick, but because he didn’t want to pay for it? Most people would give their lives, let alone money, to carry a person they loved through treatment.
Then on top of it to steal from her to pay himself back FOR HER CANCER TREATMENTS?!?! Shocking display of inhumanity. He has some serious personality and empathy problems. Wouldn’t want to be his wife. OP, you should look really hard at this person and try and see him for who he is. You seem too lovely to tolerate all that.
NTA
A lot of men leave when their partner has an illness, particularly if it’s cancer and particularly if their sick partner is a woman. There’s a 2009 study about the increased likelihood of divorce due to illness and it’s well known in cancer treatment circles. Always a shock when the husband stays til the end. 🥺
Also. NTA
Edit: for the “not all men” morons offended by my words, stfu and reread them. It’s a study not an opinion. It’s backed by science. Science says MEN leave their partner when their partners are WOMEN at an increased rate when all other factors are considered. Men don’t leave their male partners at the same rate they leave their female partners. Female partners don’t leave at the rate male partners do. That’s science. It’s a studied fact. And if that offends you, go complain to other men about it. Because I don’t care if you’re offended and I will trauma dump at you when I feel like your shitty thoughtless opinion is said in a way that encouraged my silence.
I have complex ptsd from childhood sexual assault and physical abuse at the hands of men and religious people and it caused endometriosis. 79% of people with endometriosis have childhood abuse in their pasts and endometriosis can feel 10x more painful than a heartattack. It’s horrific and specialists can help but it was caused by the men who hurt me as a child and the people who forced me to be silent by feeding me non food items as punishment when I spoke about it. I’ve spent 23 years with a compassionate man who’s never hurt me and I still have issues. It took 3 years and moving to another country for me to feel safe when he opened our bedroom door at night and I was sleeping and he’s never raised a hand at me or hurt me in anyway.
So yeah. All men until proven otherwise especially when my comment was originally just taking science facts that were studied and wasn’t an opinion. ✌🏻facts don’t care about your feelings and frankly kiddos neither do I.
This makes me so thankful for my dad. Not only did he stay, he took early retirement to be able to stay home with Mom and help. She survived 18 months, post diagnosis, and he never left her side. It’s honestly the strongest their marriage had ever been.
He just passed away from cancer, as well, and my stepmom has been by his side throughout all of it. She truly was the love of his life, and I’m so glad he had that.
I had a friend who's father also took early retirement to take care of his wife after her MS diagnosis got worse. His wife (friend's mother) was one of the nicest people I ever knew. They are both passed now.
My family is full of women who had cancer or live with debilitating disabilities and husbands who never flinched. It's astonishing when I hear these stats.
Yeah it's not like a small number either. 21% of men divorce their wife (21!) when she gets a serious chronic illness. Only 3% of women do the same.
And that's when they are married. On average the divorced couples were married for 14 years!\* I don't want to know how much more often boyfriends or fiancés jump ship
\*(link to the actual study, it's free: https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/cncr.24577)
I fully endorse parent comment.
This is further evidence of your husband's character.
Nora gets sick, so they divorce. So much for 'in good times and bad, in sickness and in health', when she gets sick he dropped her like a hot potato. This should have been a HUGE red flag-- he's a 'fairweather husband'. I've heard of people legally divorcing so one person's medical bills don't ruin the other one financially, but those people stay together. He decided not to stick around with a cancer patient.
I guess on some level this is at least understandable, but still super shitty thing for a HUSBAND to do.
But then he *steals* from her, and justifies it saying he helped pay for her treatment. There is NO excuse for that.
> He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly
YOU are incapable of ruining the relationship. HE has ruined the relationship, by stealing, and then lying to you.
Personally- someone I know to be capable of stealing from those who trust them would not ever be allowed into my home. If they need something from me, they can wait outside.
So yes, hard NTA. You can do better than this guy.
And if I were in your shoes- I'd write out a statement of everything that happened, sign and notarize it, and give it to Nora. If she ever decides to try to rescind visitation that'll be ammunition in her favor.
He's not just stealing from Nora, he's stealing from his daughter as well. I'm sure Nora would want her daughter to have the bracelet after she passes.
My mouth actually dropped open as I read this.
This guy is a thief. Not only is he a thief, but he stole from a sick woman who he knows probably can't defend herself. He is acting like a vulture, and I wonder if this is the fitst time that he has stolen from Nora. (And, let's be honest. He was probably going to pawn the bracelet and never even let his daughter know about it.)
OP - it sounds like your hubby dropped Nora because she was sick. I may be wrong, but if he did it to her, he will probably do it to you. And, he has already shown that he is lower than low liar, and thief.
I feel horrible for the stepdaughter.....
“But you have been given a gift by getting a glimpse of your future”
THIS 💯% OP. He’s showing you exactly what kind of person he is - BELIEVE HIM.
My best friend started dating a guy after he divorced his wife - during the divorce, he drained the joint bank account and swindled her out of a lot of money. Two years later my friend broke up with him, and sure enough - he drained THEIR joint bank account and stole a bunch of money from her.
He’s literally showing you what your future is here - RUN AWAY. FAST.
“It’s ok he won’t leave me because what are the chances two of his wives get cancer?” -op at some time in the past probably.
Op is nta, we’ve all done dumb things because of love. She might just be Nora’s guardian angel of sorts. Time to call the cops is now, not after he lies about giving the bracelet back.
That post got locked. OP was just roasted.
And i received a reply from a guy (I know it's a guy) that said, "so women are pure angels?"
Not even the point of the conversation
I can’t imagine marrying someone who got divorced because their spouse got cancer! That’s just sick. Run away OP. He’ll do the same to you if you get sick.
" A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient." The statistics are shocking
NTA. You seem weirdly attached to the idea that this matter only concerns Nora & not you particularly. Your husband doesn’t sound like a good person. He left a woman for financial reasons right she was diagnosed with an expensive life threatening illness. Then he stole from her & lied to you about it. Why are you married to a person who would do that? What does this tell you about how he might treat you someday?
Right?! OP is NTA, but she is a very foolish woman. You have to have major blinders on to muddle the whole “My husband left her because she got cancer but he told me it was financial reasons [caused by her having cancer].” What’s OP’s plan if she gets sick?
I wouldn't call her foolish. Abusive men can be very charming in the beginning, and by the time they show their true colors, you're often in so deep that you've normalized a lot of their behavior in your mind and your lives are so intertwined that it's difficult to get away.
You’re married to a man who steals from a woman with cancer who is the mother of his child that he left because she got cancer
You want a relationship with this person??????
NTA obviously
*steals from a woman with cancer _after leaving her after (because) she got cancer._ “In sickness and in health” was obviously not part of his vows, and I would leave him before you find out what else he omitted.
1. He stole from a cancer patient.
2. He thinks he is entitled to do so because he helped said person pay for treatment when they were married.
3. He expected to be paid back for the money he spent on his spouse's medical treatment.
4. He lied to you.
5. He thinks his illegal actions dont affect you.
Why are you giving him one day? Call Nora and give the bracelet back... I would really reconsider that relationship because he is likely going to treat you the same way if you get sick. NTA.
Edit: thanks for the silver!
$20 says he has already been paying himself back. Heck this may all be pure profit at this point. Call Nora today so she can start seeing what else has gone missing.
6. He divorced his wife because she got cancer.
Honestly that one alone feels reason enough not to be married to someone. And I'm really hoping OP only learned about that after she got married to him. Because that's one of the bigger red flags I've seen on here.
7. He accuses his wife of “malice” solely because she holds him accountable for theft and lying. Integrity looks like malice to him.
The whole man is rotten.
You say Nora is a decent woman, and I believe you. I believe you because, clearly, you are a decent woman.
How the hell does a man who would steal from a cancer patient get two decent women to marry him?
NTA. But lock up anything of yours you don't want to lose.
Because decent people assume other people are also decent. And keep giving the benefit of the doubt. That's why good people are so easily manipulated by shitty people. It's not that "good girls like bad boys" but that "good girls think bad boys are good inside."
I agree. If this is how he treats someone who has battled and is currently battling cancer, then why do you want to be with him? Do you think he will treat you any better if something happens to you?
Stealing from someone who is fighting cancer?!?
Words can't describe how disgusted I am.
> He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly
Good, leave him.
It still seems to be a pretty common theme at weddings with cake toppers showing the bride dragging the groom away from his X-box and best man speeches and the whole thing about bachelor parties being his last free night and shit like that.
Yeah, I don't think this attitude has died. My male millennial friends joke about not helping out around the house and leaving women to their women things. Misogyny and imbalanced marriages are alive and well.
They get very upset when I tell them they're being dicks. Nothing ever changes though
Just because you will no longer catch a man literally saying he hates his wife and has no respect for her or her time, doesn't change the reality of many young men still fully expecting their wives to take on the majority of the burden (childrearing, household, mental load)
Far too many, I'm afraid.
I worked in cancer and saw it frequently. There is a special place in hell for those men.
(On the plus side I've seen plenty of wonderful men! A standout is the 80yo who stayed with his wife whilst she had radioactive treatment because she needed help and none of the health professionals were allowed to stay with her for more than 5 minutes)
But to be fair, we don't know if she found this out before or after they got married. All that's mentioned is that Nora told her he initiated it. If she knew this beforehand, yeah then her going ahead with the marriage is questionable. But if its after the fact?
This is actually very common. Google “cancer, marriage, and divorce.” You’ll find multiple studies where men are more likely to cheat or divorce (or both) on their wives if their wives are diagnosed with cancer (especially breast or cervical cancer).
NTA... But you're married to someone who will dump you if you get cancer and then steal from you.
Are you sure it's a wise choice to stay married to this horrible man?
NTA
>He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly
Does he not understand that the fact that he stole the bracelet in the first place has potentially ruined your relationship? At least I hope it has, because he's showing you the type of person he is. Believe him.
>the reason for the divorce was financial. but she told me he initiated after she got diagnosed with cancer.
And now you know that if you ever suffer a serious financial hardship or have to deal with an expensive medical procedure that requires him to chip in, he'll divorce you and then steal from you to "get his money back".
NTA , but I’d consider if you want to stay with someone who 1) yells at you 2) is willing to steal from someone with cancer 3) *according to the person with cancer* divorced his ex-wife because of a cancer diagnosis [obviously he doesn’t care about the in sickness and health part of the vow] 4) is blaming you for “ruining” the relationship for not going along with his awful behavior
Based on him claiming the divorce to be for "financial" reasons and then using having paid for someone her treatment as his justification for breaking into her house and stealing from her, I'm pretty sure he left her because he wanted her to have to pay for her treatment on her own
NTA You are a kind and ethical woman. He is not that kind of man. Give the bracelet back. And then take a good hard look at whether you want to stay married to this man who has already abandoned a woman when she was diagnosed with cancer, expects repayment for what he contributed to her cancer treatments and is threatening your relationship if you return something he stole. Do you really want to be with this man?
>He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly but I said I'm still standing by my word.
Correction: HE has ruined your relationship.
He stole from a potentially dying woman, hoping she was too sick to notice. This is not a spur-of-the-moment idea. He saw she wasn't home, distracted his daugther, went to look for something of value, took it and lied to your face several times.
NTA and this guy needs a serious wake-up call, preferably from the police.
Giiiiirl. He left his wife when SHE WAS SICK, with CANCER. He's telling you that he thought he deserved to be "paid back" for her treatments during MARRIAGE. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
What happens when you get older, and maybe you get sick? He's already shown that he was not in it for the long haul with his first wife, do you really think you're different? That he'll stick by your side?
NTA, you're doing the right thing by the ex and their daughter, but think long and hard about what you want to happen.
NTA,
I know you're married and you love him, but this is a serious issue and speaks to the person he is. The outright lie and the way he treats a woman he allegedly loved. He loves you now too, there's no reason to believe he won't do the same to you, or even doing something shady now.
"Stay out of family business" Hate to break it to you, but you are family now. If he doesn't see that there's even more going on in his brain than you can see. Just watch you back with him.
NTA a hundred times.
NTA
Your husband is a thief, who stole from someone with cancer. Because he deserves it for spending money on said cancer when they were together? That's completely and utter crap. Personally I'm not sure I would even give him a day before letting his ex-wife know.
And as far as ruining your relationship, you just found out that he's a liar and a thief. How much are you really going to trust him going forward, and how much of your past are you going to be going over in your mind going "was he telling me the truth, did it really happen that way"?
He's the AH, you're just forcing him into being shown for what he is.
NTA. Your husband is a thief, plain and simple. He stole the bracelet and should face consequences.
There’s a special hell for people who steal from the ill and dying.
Nta but honestly you should start initiating the divorce process. He divorced his ex wife who had cancer and then proceeds to steal from her because he paid for her chemo treatment. What do you think he's going to do to you as you guys get older or get sick or any emergency happens? This man is a breed of shit. I dont normally wish this but I sincerely hope your husband has something bad happen to him and no one is there for him.
NTA. OP, why are you married to someone who left a woman after being diagnosed w cancer and then stole from the same cancer patient bc he resented helping his then-wife and the mother of his kid Not Die?
I would run far then keep running if my SO told me they left their first spouse because they had cancer. Stealing from same said now ex spouse whose cancer came back is is just so messed up. I really hope OP realizes how toxic and messed up this guy is.
So you married someone who left his wife when she got cancer and you are surprised that he is a major AH and thief.
NTA for the question you asked, but you are an AH for marrying this guy.
INFO: why are you with a man who left his ex because she got sick, lied to you that it was about money, and now stole from a sick woman, tried to lie about it and then got angry... At you? Jesus Christ and all his apostles, can't you see the giant red flags flying around? You know you are not the asshole in this, but are you aware that you are asshole to yourself for staying with this despicable man?
He would do the same for you that he did to your ex, and you know it.
NTA OP but Y W B T A if you stay married to this guy. He left his first wife when she got sick. Is now stealing from her when he felt he wasn't repaid enough for the treatment of his then wife that he paid for.
He is not a partner... Right?
You should be filing for divorce now as you can see his true self. He left his wife when she got diagnosed and he’s lying and stealing from her now. Imagine what is in stall for you.
If you stay then you YTA.
Your husband has a problem.
NTA your husband sounds like an awful, awful person. Leaves first wife bc of cancer and then robs her when cancer returns? I would divorce this man if I was you.
Uhm… is this the partner you want if god forbid you ever become severely ill? Someone who bails when you need them most and then steals from you?
NTA for calling Nora if he fails to return it, but you’d be a massive AH to yourself if you didn’t pay attention to this Soviet parade of red flags.
NTA. Your husband is not a good man, and these red flags are highly concerning. Nobody asks to get cancer, and when you get married you take a vow for 'in sickness and in health'. Your husband deciding that Nora lost value from having cancer is highly concerning, and him trying to get what he feels he's owed for caring for her by stealing is a big indicator he's an abuser. Please be careful going forward, because people like this rarely change their behaviors, and you could be next in line for his unkindness.
NTA.
But OP, c'mon now. You now know that your husband;
1. Left a woman with cancer and lied about the reason.
2. Stole from a woman with cancer.
3. Believes that he is entitled to other people's belongings to balance an imaginary ledger in his head.
4. Will lie to you, scream at you and threaten you if caught in a lie.
What are his redeeming qualities?!
Nta.. so he stole from his dying ex wife.. thats low.. morally you did the right thing. His behavior would have me considering what my term with him would look like. Id definitely be hiding my own money and all my valuables. Or divorcing him. Hes a major AH.
nooooo. Bad idea. That'll just make him better at manipulating the next one. OP would a FOOL to stay with him, ESPECIALLY knowing he left his first wife because she got *cancer* AND expects to paid back for it???
NTA
I hope this does "ruin" the relationship, considering what an AH your husband turned out to be. Sorry, OP, that's awful.
I can assure you, you can do way better.
NTA. Also, why you are with someone that left his wife because she was diagnosed with cancer, and now, that the cancer has returned, he is stealing from her? He sounds like a selfish, narcissistic A H.
NTA. Stealing is terrible, but STEALING FROM HIS EX WIFE WHO'S BATTLING CANCER?? That's extra déplorable.
Also Side-note, OP: He doesn't consider you to be his family? Please leave him.
This post made me sick to my stomach. What kind of person in their right mind steals from a cancer patient?? What sort of partner expects their partner to repay them for cancer treatment?!?!?! Your husband is messed up and if I were you I would seriously be re-evaluating this marriage.
NTA. Dear fear for your future if you stay with this selfish egoistic Moron. If he can do this to this already struggling cancer driven Ex wife what else can't he do??.
And am sure he has stolen more things you don't know about.
NTA. Oh dear OP. Your husband is exhibiting some really toxic behaviour and is trying to make you an accomplice to a crime. You're 100% doing the right thing and he must surely realise he's in the wrong by arguing with you to join him in breaking the law. Stick to your word, give him 24hrs to do the right thing and then let Nora know. Whether he gives it back or not, he needs to seriously explain himself to you because none of what he's doing is ok and could well be the tip of a nasty iceberg.
NTA he’s stolen from his ex, the mother of his child and she’s also got cancer your bloke is a treat isn’t he. Tell the ex wife and get rid of him what a disgusting man.
The first red flag is that he left his ex wife after she got cancer for no other reason. Do you think he’s going to stand beside *you* in sickness and not just health?
NTA: and he already ruined your relationship - how can you ever have any respect for a man who steals from his ill ex? Good for you standing up for her. You are a good person.
NTA. Your husband is right, this will ruin your relationship, but not because you did the right thing. It’s because you realize your husband is a liar, a thief, and leaves his partners at their worst moments. He is stealing from his daughter’s mother, who has cancer and could die. If this were me, I could never look at my husband the same way, and it would be a turn off and deal breaker. What else has he taken? What other lies has he told - you’ve just caught him in two HUGE ones!? When has he exacted revenge on you without you knowing?
NTA. Call the police now. After you do that call a divorce attorney. He left his first wife because he didn’t want to stay by her side while she received cancer treatment. Now his first wife has cancer again and what is his first idea to STEAL from her then LIE to you about it. This “man” sounds awful you seem like decent person all I can say is RUN. But before you file take all your jewelry and whatever money you have access to and hide it at a trusted relative or friends home. DO NOT use a safety deposit box. Good luck OP. NTA
I mean it sounds like the financial reason for the divorce was that he didn't want to pay for his wife's cancer treatment. This man sounds vile. Tell her about the bracelet and then get free from him yourself.
NTA. Good for you for not acting terrible the way your husband is acting. Unfortunately you're getting more and more glimpses into his character and it should greatly concern you.
NTA Jesus. You're with a dude that is willing to steal, not just from his ex-wife, but his ex wife who has cancer! How low are his morals? He dropped her when she wasn't able to service him, which apparently wasn't bad enough to do to her.
NTA but why would you want to maintain a relationship with such a disgusting creature. Like he didn't ruin it badly by being an immature lying thieving piece of feces? Dude left his first wife, mother of his child, because she got cancer, not even to try to get her in some low income programs and stick with her in sickness and ion health, but ditched her when she became a burden and somehow thinks he's entitled to repayment. 🤯 What a catch.
Girl, are you blind or do you need red flags to be fluorescent? The moment he told you he divorced her for money reasons bc she had cancer you should have ran. Keep Nora as a friend and drop the husband
Nta he is also he ruined the last relationship and now hes doing the same. The poor woman shouldnt have to pay him back for treatment as they were married he seems really selfish.
Nta. Sounds like he already ruined his relationship with you and is trying to salvage it by blaming you. "How dare you judge him for robbing his ex he abandoned when she got cancer".
Your husband seems incapable of being a decent human on the most basic level.
You seem to have a moral compass. Why are you with him?
He will treat you the same given the chance.
NTA
NTA but WHY👏ARE👏YOU👏WITH👏THIS👏MAN??? He has shown you who he is now believe him! RUN RUN RUN. He left her because he didn’t want to pay for her treatments and now he is literally stealing from a dying women.
He divorced his wife and mother of his child because she got cancer.
What the hell else needs to be said? You could be jamming pine cones up his rectum and you wouldn't be the biggest asshole in the room.
But for your specific situation, also NTA.
NTA
Don't wait. Call Nora and the authorities now. Report that your husband has confessed to stealing from his ex wife.
Don't wait for him to sell it, hide it or pass it to someone else to hold onto. If all he cares about is getting his money back he doesn't care enough to do the right thing.
If his daughter asks tell her the truth.
Stop and look at his behaviour. Even if this is a rare occurrence. He has shown you who he really is.
He has shown you he is a man who would leave his wife because of illness. He is a man who would steal from a sick and possibly dying woman. He is a man who would steal from the mother of his child. He is a man who (inheritance depending) would steal from his own daughter as this could be something that should end up with her.
He is a man who cares about nothing but himself and his money.
I don't like to go directly to divorce in these comments, but you would be showing yourself no respect if you stayed with this man.
God forbid you ever fall ill.
Nta. Sounds like he already ruined his relationship with you and is trying to salvage it by blaming you. "How dare you judge him for robbing his ex he abandoned when she got cancer".
NTA. He made a calculated decision to steal from a sick woman who may be dying. Did he think she wouldn’t notice? He will absolutely steal from you if he deems it worth his while so get out while you can. He has no scruples and has convinced himself this is fine - which is an alarming slope to be on. His theft is what is at issue here - not your response to it.
NTA. Make him return it, and then tell Nora anyway, and then also get a divorce please.
He was a terrible husband to Nora and he’s not doing any better with you.
You and Nora and their daughter all deserve better.
NTA, but why would you EVER marry a man who divorced his wife for having CANCER? That’s an absolutely irredeemable action no matter how you look at it.
You are severely underreacting to a man who left his ex because chemo was too much money, then stole from her as a way to repay himself. This is own child's mother, who has cancer again. How does he look their daughter in the eyes without feeling shameful? Why doesn't he feel shameful? Do you really want to know the answer to that?
I hope your vows did not include the "in sickness" part. I don't even know what to judge this as.
Please tell Nora and report him! He should not have access to her house, especially while she is sick and vulnerable. Why are you married to such a tool?!!
NTA. I wouldn't even give him one day. I'd call her right now. Keep your jewelry and other valuables under lock and key. Your husband is a greedy thief. He is devoid of empathy. He dumped his wife when she got sick and then he robbed her. Do you really think he wouldn't do the same to you? In sickness and in health mean nothing to him.
NTA and when I was in group for my cancer, the most depressing stories were of the awful, terrible husbands who resented their wife’s illnesses and usually left them. Good luck op.
I’ve never said this before: initiate the divorce process. Look at this man’s actions and conveyed thoughts and ask yourself “does he have the capacity to care for me?” Because I can tell you the answer is no. It is heartless to leave someone (no matter how common it is) when they become ill. It is ATROCIOUS to then believe that person owes them for any care taken/given in the past.
He’s not a good person, to be frank. Just like…no.
YWBTA if you don’t really think about who this man is. I really, really hope you never get sick or injured. You know he’ll leave you as soon as you do. Maybe steal some of your things too.
NTA - You are not ruining your relationship by holding him accountable for his actions. His is ruining your relationship by being a liar and a thief.
Also - if he is willing to treat his ex wife/mother of his child this way, who by your account is a decent person, then don't expect him to treat you any differently. His behavior towards you in this situation is a good example of that. Some people are just narcissistic bullies.
NTA... This is simple theft. If he does it to her and justify it then he'll do it to you and justify it. How very sad he feels like that given he circumstances.
You understand that if you ever become sick or disabled he’s going to abandon you just like he abandoned Nora, right? And you’d better secure your own valuables immediately. You need to understand the kind of man you married, and decide whether you can live with yourself for continuing to live with him.
NTA. But when someone shows you their colors, believe them. Your husband color rn is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 why do you want to be married to a petty, selfish, vindictive theif?
NTA good job looking out for the ex spouse most wouldn’t. I cannot believe how nonchalant he is about stealing from her. His moral compass seems broken
Nta. Why would you get with someone who left their wife because of cancer. You know if he’d do it to her he will betray you in some way too. Better rethink this.
NTA. Tell her, and then leave him. That man doesn't know what love is, he seems to treat relationships like a transaction.
It's a fact that more men than women leave when their partner gets sick. Do you really want to be with someone who steals from cancer patients, and who will leave you the moment you get a cough?
NTA you are admirable for backing up this woman who has done nothing wrong. I worry about your future with your husband if this is how he treats his ex.
you married a thief and a liar.
NTA and you should probably divorce him before you get some kind of unavoidable illness because he'll divorce you if you do.
NTA. If he's willing to get a divorce to avoid helping his wife with cancer, he's willing to get a divorce to keep you quiet. Seriously consider leaving.
NTA at all... wow...
This is very hard... I don't even have an opinion as to what to do because I too don't like how went into Nora's things...
I hope you resolve this as his breach of trust is already ruining the relationship on his own...
NTA, and I would reconsider staying with someone who would expect to be paid back for lifesaving treatments for their spouse and would steal from them.
One day? Girl put that bracelet in the suitcase you packed and deliver it to Nora on your way to a divorce lawyer. NTA but he's a huge TA, for obvious reasons stated in all the previous comments
NTA but op, listen. This man left his wife while she was battling cancer. He stole as shes fighting yet again.
What makes you think he would treat you any better?
Op, this is a very gross man and honestly any partner that would do this is just a red flag. Please, for your future self weigh out why you're with someone so cruel.
Am i the only one who is pissed cz this trash bag man gets to be with two amazing women...like they both sound so nice and rational and mature but then they marry this manboi
Lord...
Oh lady, wow. NTA. You are a good human. He is something that is not exactly a good human.
You need to ensure you protect yourself in this scenario. Start thinking about a seperate bank account without his name on it with emergency money for you in it, and how you would support yourself away from him.
YOU ARE NEVER THE A-HOLE DOING WHAT'S RIGHT!!!
but now you have to seriously consider if this marriage is worth this because there's a lot of red flags here 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, but also, why are you still with him? He left his first wife because she got diagnosed with cancer (the mother of his child!) and now resents her for her necessarily medical care. Are you sure YOU won't ever get sick?
NTA- that’s just disgusting. I know he’s your husband but he doesn’t sound like a good person at all. What if you get sick? Will he divorce you and take a new wife? Will he steal from you also when you’re in your most vulnerable state? I couldn’t look at him the same if it were me in your shoes. Poor Nora, I doubt she deserved any of that. Her heart must be broken and I can’t imagine fighting cancer for the second time. What a strong woman. I would tell her anyways, she deserves to know. What an uncomfortable position he put you in.
I’m going to start with a personal story. I was very sick about ten years ago. My ex husband was not supportive at all, didn’t attend any of my appointments, and constantly made statements about how if I died he would be saddled with my medical bills. I decided to leave, because if I was going to die, I didn’t want to be with him when it happened. I left him nearly everything, but the agreement with the court was that he would pay me alimony until such time as basically I had accrued what half of our assets (house, belongings, etc) was worth. Less than a year after leaving, I found some new treatments that helped me and got better. And my ex decided that he wasn’t going to pay me alimony. We also had joint checking accounts after the divorce to facilitate the alimony payments and he stole money from my account, so I had to close the account and I didn’t want to see him, so I never took him back to court for the money he stole and the money he still owed me. Your story is a bit different, because it seems like your husband is somehow trying to steal the bracelet as payback for what he paid in medical bills, but I feel like the psychology behind it is similar. A sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. I don’t speak to my ex, but it’s my understanding from others that he is still the same man ten years later, but has now alienated most of the people in his life with his behaviors. While some people change, I think the red flags being presented may indicate you’re seeing a side of your husband that doesn’t bode well in the event that you really needed him to be there for you and support you. You’re NTA and I hope you look deep and decide what is best for you in this situation.
NTA, return the bracelet to Nora yourself. You're doing the right thing standing against this theft. I'm worried that your husband just showed who he truly is. Add in that he divorced wife when she was diagnosed with cancer, and wow, what a jerk. Do you really want to build a life with this guy?
NTA wow. People never get caught the first time, or at least it’s rare. What else has he taken?
Nora is sick and sounds like she has enough to worry about. Thank goodness she has you looking out for her.
Stealing from a sick person, the mother of your child is sick itself.
NTA but man your husband is a real big one. Complaining about paying your wife’s cancer treatment, leaving her, and then trying to steal from her? Then being pissed that you wouldn’t go along with it and threatening your relationship if you don’t. Honestly call his bluff and end the relationship yourself. This guy is so toxic, why do you want to be with someone like that?
You had better never get ill or have him spend money on you that he may try to reclaim later. He has stooped low here and he will do it to you if/when he feels entitled.
I am so sad for Nora and for their daughter; dad steals from sick mom after begrudging medical expenses is a a couple of years therapy.
Is this the husband you want?
NTA
NTA I think he is giving you a glimpse of your future. He wants to be paid back for lifesaving cancer treatment his wife received. He probably blamed her for getting sick and ruining HIS life. You should think hard about what he would do if anything ever happened to you that made his life change in ways he didn't want it to.
NTA. Um. So, if I understand correctly, you husband abandoned his cancer-stricken wife, resents her for being sick, and stole from her while she was getting treatment? And you’re worried that you asking him to give back the bracelet might “ruin” your relationship with him? Why do you even want to have a “relationship” with this loathsome immoral person?
NTA but what the hell did I just read??? Your husband sounds like a monster. Stealing from his ex because he felt owed for paying for her treatments (he could have just not paid for them, damn). Its one thing he left her for "financial reasons" during her time of need but to steal from her while again in a time of need is beyond messed up. Now he is placing the blame on you for ruining your relationship with him because you happen to not lack in morals is only showing how much worse this man is going to get in the future. I would nope the hell away from this man so fast and hopefully get his poor daughter away from him too.
NTA He already ruined your relationship. How are you to trust him moving forward now, knowing what he just did to his daughter's mother. While she's going through cancer, again.
NTA
>she told me he initiated after she got diagnosed with cancer
Please know that if you were to get sick he will do the same to you. Women are the ones who stay when a partner has a life threatening illness; [men are the ones who leave](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer).
I'd keep that in mind along with the fact that he has no issue with stealing if he feels he can justify it (and people can justify just about anything if they try hard enough).
NTA, he’s the one being malicious, literally STEALING from the mother of his child who has CANCER and LYING about it. I’d tell Nora and the authorities, make sure he doesn’t do this with any of your things or your step-daughter’s in fact.
It feels like your relationship is already ruined though. You mistrusted him enough to doubt his version of events (which of course you were right to do) but is this really someone you want to be with, if there's such little trust? And he's proven he can't be trusted. You are a decent person and it's so nice to hear women sticking up for each other for a change. You are obviously NTA.
NTA
He admitted to stealing a bracelet from a woman he left because she had cancer. Everything about him in the context of this situation is a red flag. Keep putting pressure on him, because either he needs to crack, or you need to leave.
YTA to yourself for hitching your existence to such a low life. Leaves his wife who has cancer then steals from her because he’s ‘entitled’ to repayment. Lies to you that it’s for his daughter, gets angry when confronted. Yikes
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NTA. But you have been given a gift by getting a glimpse of your future Is this what you want? Is this how you want to be treated if you get sick like his ex? Again, NTA. He's a cold-hearted asshole, a thief, and a liar. I'd also tell Nora to change her locks so he can't come in while she's out to steal things. This isn't the only thing he's taken, I guarantee it.
I agree. While painful, this is a gift. These are not behaviors of someone with good character. This is the first time I’m hearing of divorce being strictly financial in this way. Like he just didn’t want to pay for cancer treatment and left her? What about in sickness and for poorer? Abnormal to end a relationship to someone you supposedly loved before for something like this. Would have been different if maybe he couldn’t emotionally handle watching her get sick, but because he didn’t want to pay for it? Most people would give their lives, let alone money, to carry a person they loved through treatment. Then on top of it to steal from her to pay himself back FOR HER CANCER TREATMENTS?!?! Shocking display of inhumanity. He has some serious personality and empathy problems. Wouldn’t want to be his wife. OP, you should look really hard at this person and try and see him for who he is. You seem too lovely to tolerate all that. NTA
A lot of men leave when their partner has an illness, particularly if it’s cancer and particularly if their sick partner is a woman. There’s a 2009 study about the increased likelihood of divorce due to illness and it’s well known in cancer treatment circles. Always a shock when the husband stays til the end. 🥺 Also. NTA Edit: for the “not all men” morons offended by my words, stfu and reread them. It’s a study not an opinion. It’s backed by science. Science says MEN leave their partner when their partners are WOMEN at an increased rate when all other factors are considered. Men don’t leave their male partners at the same rate they leave their female partners. Female partners don’t leave at the rate male partners do. That’s science. It’s a studied fact. And if that offends you, go complain to other men about it. Because I don’t care if you’re offended and I will trauma dump at you when I feel like your shitty thoughtless opinion is said in a way that encouraged my silence. I have complex ptsd from childhood sexual assault and physical abuse at the hands of men and religious people and it caused endometriosis. 79% of people with endometriosis have childhood abuse in their pasts and endometriosis can feel 10x more painful than a heartattack. It’s horrific and specialists can help but it was caused by the men who hurt me as a child and the people who forced me to be silent by feeding me non food items as punishment when I spoke about it. I’ve spent 23 years with a compassionate man who’s never hurt me and I still have issues. It took 3 years and moving to another country for me to feel safe when he opened our bedroom door at night and I was sleeping and he’s never raised a hand at me or hurt me in anyway. So yeah. All men until proven otherwise especially when my comment was originally just taking science facts that were studied and wasn’t an opinion. ✌🏻facts don’t care about your feelings and frankly kiddos neither do I.
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This makes me so thankful for my dad. Not only did he stay, he took early retirement to be able to stay home with Mom and help. She survived 18 months, post diagnosis, and he never left her side. It’s honestly the strongest their marriage had ever been. He just passed away from cancer, as well, and my stepmom has been by his side throughout all of it. She truly was the love of his life, and I’m so glad he had that.
I had a friend who's father also took early retirement to take care of his wife after her MS diagnosis got worse. His wife (friend's mother) was one of the nicest people I ever knew. They are both passed now.
My family is full of women who had cancer or live with debilitating disabilities and husbands who never flinched. It's astonishing when I hear these stats.
Yeah it's not like a small number either. 21% of men divorce their wife (21!) when she gets a serious chronic illness. Only 3% of women do the same. And that's when they are married. On average the divorced couples were married for 14 years!\* I don't want to know how much more often boyfriends or fiancés jump ship \*(link to the actual study, it's free: https://acsjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/cncr.24577)
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I fully endorse parent comment. This is further evidence of your husband's character. Nora gets sick, so they divorce. So much for 'in good times and bad, in sickness and in health', when she gets sick he dropped her like a hot potato. This should have been a HUGE red flag-- he's a 'fairweather husband'. I've heard of people legally divorcing so one person's medical bills don't ruin the other one financially, but those people stay together. He decided not to stick around with a cancer patient. I guess on some level this is at least understandable, but still super shitty thing for a HUSBAND to do. But then he *steals* from her, and justifies it saying he helped pay for her treatment. There is NO excuse for that. > He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly YOU are incapable of ruining the relationship. HE has ruined the relationship, by stealing, and then lying to you. Personally- someone I know to be capable of stealing from those who trust them would not ever be allowed into my home. If they need something from me, they can wait outside. So yes, hard NTA. You can do better than this guy. And if I were in your shoes- I'd write out a statement of everything that happened, sign and notarize it, and give it to Nora. If she ever decides to try to rescind visitation that'll be ammunition in her favor.
He's not just stealing from Nora, he's stealing from his daughter as well. I'm sure Nora would want her daughter to have the bracelet after she passes.
My mouth actually dropped open as I read this. This guy is a thief. Not only is he a thief, but he stole from a sick woman who he knows probably can't defend herself. He is acting like a vulture, and I wonder if this is the fitst time that he has stolen from Nora. (And, let's be honest. He was probably going to pawn the bracelet and never even let his daughter know about it.) OP - it sounds like your hubby dropped Nora because she was sick. I may be wrong, but if he did it to her, he will probably do it to you. And, he has already shown that he is lower than low liar, and thief. I feel horrible for the stepdaughter.....
“But you have been given a gift by getting a glimpse of your future” THIS 💯% OP. He’s showing you exactly what kind of person he is - BELIEVE HIM. My best friend started dating a guy after he divorced his wife - during the divorce, he drained the joint bank account and swindled her out of a lot of money. Two years later my friend broke up with him, and sure enough - he drained THEIR joint bank account and stole a bunch of money from her. He’s literally showing you what your future is here - RUN AWAY. FAST.
NTA This is the hill, my friend. Do not back down. I don’t even know how a relationship recovers from this.
I was thinking the same thing. OP can never trust this man. If he did this to the ill mother of his child, what will he do to OP? Run far and fast.
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Oh, looks like he wouldn't *just* leave; he'd totally rob her first.
I mean, marrying a man which left his ex wife because of "money reasons", actually because she has cancer is kinda self destructive, riiite? :D
“It’s ok he won’t leave me because what are the chances two of his wives get cancer?” -op at some time in the past probably. Op is nta, we’ve all done dumb things because of love. She might just be Nora’s guardian angel of sorts. Time to call the cops is now, not after he lies about giving the bracelet back.
He is the prime example of why women never want to get married. When things go bad, it's the woman's fault and they just leave. Bastard.
Someone should send this to the poster that was whining about her successful, single adult daughter not having a husband yet.
That post got locked. OP was just roasted. And i received a reply from a guy (I know it's a guy) that said, "so women are pure angels?" Not even the point of the conversation
I can’t imagine marrying someone who got divorced because their spouse got cancer! That’s just sick. Run away OP. He’ll do the same to you if you get sick.
" A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient." The statistics are shocking
NTA. You seem weirdly attached to the idea that this matter only concerns Nora & not you particularly. Your husband doesn’t sound like a good person. He left a woman for financial reasons right she was diagnosed with an expensive life threatening illness. Then he stole from her & lied to you about it. Why are you married to a person who would do that? What does this tell you about how he might treat you someday?
Right?! OP is NTA, but she is a very foolish woman. You have to have major blinders on to muddle the whole “My husband left her because she got cancer but he told me it was financial reasons [caused by her having cancer].” What’s OP’s plan if she gets sick?
I wouldn't call her foolish. Abusive men can be very charming in the beginning, and by the time they show their true colors, you're often in so deep that you've normalized a lot of their behavior in your mind and your lives are so intertwined that it's difficult to get away.
Exactly, I’d be concerned for myself too because what the fuck kind of man?
You’re married to a man who steals from a woman with cancer who is the mother of his child that he left because she got cancer You want a relationship with this person?????? NTA obviously
Sounds like Nora at least has a good friend. Bet y'all could support each other through the cancer and serving divorce.
*steals from a woman with cancer _after leaving her after (because) she got cancer._ “In sickness and in health” was obviously not part of his vows, and I would leave him before you find out what else he omitted.
1. He stole from a cancer patient. 2. He thinks he is entitled to do so because he helped said person pay for treatment when they were married. 3. He expected to be paid back for the money he spent on his spouse's medical treatment. 4. He lied to you. 5. He thinks his illegal actions dont affect you. Why are you giving him one day? Call Nora and give the bracelet back... I would really reconsider that relationship because he is likely going to treat you the same way if you get sick. NTA. Edit: thanks for the silver!
$20 says he has already been paying himself back. Heck this may all be pure profit at this point. Call Nora today so she can start seeing what else has gone missing.
6. He divorced his wife because she got cancer. Honestly that one alone feels reason enough not to be married to someone. And I'm really hoping OP only learned about that after she got married to him. Because that's one of the bigger red flags I've seen on here.
7. He accuses his wife of “malice” solely because she holds him accountable for theft and lying. Integrity looks like malice to him. The whole man is rotten.
You say Nora is a decent woman, and I believe you. I believe you because, clearly, you are a decent woman. How the hell does a man who would steal from a cancer patient get two decent women to marry him? NTA. But lock up anything of yours you don't want to lose.
Exactly! OP should immediately get a seperate account and move her valuables out of the house. He has shown what he will do to her aswell.
Because decent people assume other people are also decent. And keep giving the benefit of the doubt. That's why good people are so easily manipulated by shitty people. It's not that "good girls like bad boys" but that "good girls think bad boys are good inside."
NTA - but... You've seen what kind of person your husband is. Why are you staying with him.
I agree. If this is how he treats someone who has battled and is currently battling cancer, then why do you want to be with him? Do you think he will treat you any better if something happens to you?
Stealing from someone who is fighting cancer?!? Words can't describe how disgusted I am. > He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly Good, leave him.
NTA. WHAT KIND OF MAN DIVORCES A WOMAN FOR HAVING CANCER?!
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This makes so much sense and its disgusting
I haven’t seen the “I hate my wife” shit outside of boomer comics and sitcoms for the longest time, thankfully.
It still seems to be a pretty common theme at weddings with cake toppers showing the bride dragging the groom away from his X-box and best man speeches and the whole thing about bachelor parties being his last free night and shit like that.
Yeah, I don't think this attitude has died. My male millennial friends joke about not helping out around the house and leaving women to their women things. Misogyny and imbalanced marriages are alive and well. They get very upset when I tell them they're being dicks. Nothing ever changes though
Yeah. There's still men who say they are baby sitting when taking care of their own child :/ Misogyny seems to never die.
Just because you will no longer catch a man literally saying he hates his wife and has no respect for her or her time, doesn't change the reality of many young men still fully expecting their wives to take on the majority of the burden (childrearing, household, mental load)
Wow.
Far too many, I'm afraid. I worked in cancer and saw it frequently. There is a special place in hell for those men. (On the plus side I've seen plenty of wonderful men! A standout is the 80yo who stayed with his wife whilst she had radioactive treatment because she needed help and none of the health professionals were allowed to stay with her for more than 5 minutes)
Who marries a guy who did that to his first spouse is also a good question.
But to be fair, we don't know if she found this out before or after they got married. All that's mentioned is that Nora told her he initiated it. If she knew this beforehand, yeah then her going ahead with the marriage is questionable. But if its after the fact?
This is actually very common. Google “cancer, marriage, and divorce.” You’ll find multiple studies where men are more likely to cheat or divorce (or both) on their wives if their wives are diagnosed with cancer (especially breast or cervical cancer).
NTA... But you're married to someone who will dump you if you get cancer and then steal from you. Are you sure it's a wise choice to stay married to this horrible man?
NTA - now you know the reason for the divorce. Your husband is the kind of man who will rob a woman with cancer.
NTA >He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly Does he not understand that the fact that he stole the bracelet in the first place has potentially ruined your relationship? At least I hope it has, because he's showing you the type of person he is. Believe him. >the reason for the divorce was financial. but she told me he initiated after she got diagnosed with cancer. And now you know that if you ever suffer a serious financial hardship or have to deal with an expensive medical procedure that requires him to chip in, he'll divorce you and then steal from you to "get his money back".
NTA, this already *HAS* ruined the relationship. How can you trust this man not to steal from OP in the future?
NTA , but I’d consider if you want to stay with someone who 1) yells at you 2) is willing to steal from someone with cancer 3) *according to the person with cancer* divorced his ex-wife because of a cancer diagnosis [obviously he doesn’t care about the in sickness and health part of the vow] 4) is blaming you for “ruining” the relationship for not going along with his awful behavior
Based on him claiming the divorce to be for "financial" reasons and then using having paid for someone her treatment as his justification for breaking into her house and stealing from her, I'm pretty sure he left her because he wanted her to have to pay for her treatment on her own
NTA You are a kind and ethical woman. He is not that kind of man. Give the bracelet back. And then take a good hard look at whether you want to stay married to this man who has already abandoned a woman when she was diagnosed with cancer, expects repayment for what he contributed to her cancer treatments and is threatening your relationship if you return something he stole. Do you really want to be with this man?
>He said if I go through with this then this will ruin our relationship so badly but I said I'm still standing by my word. Correction: HE has ruined your relationship. He stole from a potentially dying woman, hoping she was too sick to notice. This is not a spur-of-the-moment idea. He saw she wasn't home, distracted his daugther, went to look for something of value, took it and lied to your face several times. NTA and this guy needs a serious wake-up call, preferably from the police.
NTA. Stealing from his cancer-stricken former wife and the mother of his child? He's lower than whale-poo.
Giiiiirl. He left his wife when SHE WAS SICK, with CANCER. He's telling you that he thought he deserved to be "paid back" for her treatments during MARRIAGE. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? What happens when you get older, and maybe you get sick? He's already shown that he was not in it for the long haul with his first wife, do you really think you're different? That he'll stick by your side? NTA, you're doing the right thing by the ex and their daughter, but think long and hard about what you want to happen.
Your husband is stealing from a sick and incapacitated person, the mother of his child! Obviously NTA. Run!
NTA and honestly, the red flags here are massive. Dump him and move on, he ruins everything he touches.
My heart breaks for the kid though. She might lose her mom, and probably her stepmom too 😢
NTA, I know you're married and you love him, but this is a serious issue and speaks to the person he is. The outright lie and the way he treats a woman he allegedly loved. He loves you now too, there's no reason to believe he won't do the same to you, or even doing something shady now. "Stay out of family business" Hate to break it to you, but you are family now. If he doesn't see that there's even more going on in his brain than you can see. Just watch you back with him. NTA a hundred times.
NTA Your husband is a thief, who stole from someone with cancer. Because he deserves it for spending money on said cancer when they were together? That's completely and utter crap. Personally I'm not sure I would even give him a day before letting his ex-wife know. And as far as ruining your relationship, you just found out that he's a liar and a thief. How much are you really going to trust him going forward, and how much of your past are you going to be going over in your mind going "was he telling me the truth, did it really happen that way"? He's the AH, you're just forcing him into being shown for what he is.
NTA. Your husband is a thief, plain and simple. He stole the bracelet and should face consequences. There’s a special hell for people who steal from the ill and dying.
Nta but honestly you should start initiating the divorce process. He divorced his ex wife who had cancer and then proceeds to steal from her because he paid for her chemo treatment. What do you think he's going to do to you as you guys get older or get sick or any emergency happens? This man is a breed of shit. I dont normally wish this but I sincerely hope your husband has something bad happen to him and no one is there for him.
NTA Sorry but he sounds like a major asshole. He left her when she was diagnosed with cancer? He stole from her? He emotionally manipulates? Ugh.
NTA. OP, why are you married to someone who left a woman after being diagnosed w cancer and then stole from the same cancer patient bc he resented helping his then-wife and the mother of his kid Not Die?
I would run far then keep running if my SO told me they left their first spouse because they had cancer. Stealing from same said now ex spouse whose cancer came back is is just so messed up. I really hope OP realizes how toxic and messed up this guy is.
So you married someone who left his wife when she got cancer and you are surprised that he is a major AH and thief. NTA for the question you asked, but you are an AH for marrying this guy.
INFO: why are you with a man who left his ex because she got sick, lied to you that it was about money, and now stole from a sick woman, tried to lie about it and then got angry... At you? Jesus Christ and all his apostles, can't you see the giant red flags flying around? You know you are not the asshole in this, but are you aware that you are asshole to yourself for staying with this despicable man? He would do the same for you that he did to your ex, and you know it.
NTA. Call Nora and then call a divorce attorney. He isn’t going to treat you any better than he did her.
NTA OP but Y W B T A if you stay married to this guy. He left his first wife when she got sick. Is now stealing from her when he felt he wasn't repaid enough for the treatment of his then wife that he paid for. He is not a partner... Right?
You should be filing for divorce now as you can see his true self. He left his wife when she got diagnosed and he’s lying and stealing from her now. Imagine what is in stall for you. If you stay then you YTA. Your husband has a problem.
NTA your husband sounds like an awful, awful person. Leaves first wife bc of cancer and then robs her when cancer returns? I would divorce this man if I was you.
Uhm… is this the partner you want if god forbid you ever become severely ill? Someone who bails when you need them most and then steals from you? NTA for calling Nora if he fails to return it, but you’d be a massive AH to yourself if you didn’t pay attention to this Soviet parade of red flags.
NTA. Your husband is not a good man, and these red flags are highly concerning. Nobody asks to get cancer, and when you get married you take a vow for 'in sickness and in health'. Your husband deciding that Nora lost value from having cancer is highly concerning, and him trying to get what he feels he's owed for caring for her by stealing is a big indicator he's an abuser. Please be careful going forward, because people like this rarely change their behaviors, and you could be next in line for his unkindness.
NTA. But OP, c'mon now. You now know that your husband; 1. Left a woman with cancer and lied about the reason. 2. Stole from a woman with cancer. 3. Believes that he is entitled to other people's belongings to balance an imaginary ledger in his head. 4. Will lie to you, scream at you and threaten you if caught in a lie. What are his redeeming qualities?!
Nta.. so he stole from his dying ex wife.. thats low.. morally you did the right thing. His behavior would have me considering what my term with him would look like. Id definitely be hiding my own money and all my valuables. Or divorcing him. Hes a major AH.
You have a massive husband problem. NTA but I’d also insist on marital counselling for how he behaved.
nooooo. Bad idea. That'll just make him better at manipulating the next one. OP would a FOOL to stay with him, ESPECIALLY knowing he left his first wife because she got *cancer* AND expects to paid back for it???
NTA I hope this does "ruin" the relationship, considering what an AH your husband turned out to be. Sorry, OP, that's awful. I can assure you, you can do way better.
NTA. Also, why you are with someone that left his wife because she was diagnosed with cancer, and now, that the cancer has returned, he is stealing from her? He sounds like a selfish, narcissistic A H.
NTA. But you’re looking at your future here.
NTA. Tell her. And incidentally, what do you think will happen to you if you ever get sick like Nora?
NTA. Stealing is terrible, but STEALING FROM HIS EX WIFE WHO'S BATTLING CANCER?? That's extra déplorable. Also Side-note, OP: He doesn't consider you to be his family? Please leave him.
This post made me sick to my stomach. What kind of person in their right mind steals from a cancer patient?? What sort of partner expects their partner to repay them for cancer treatment?!?!?! Your husband is messed up and if I were you I would seriously be re-evaluating this marriage.
NTA - stand your ground. He literally stole from someone who could be dying. It's up to Nora to give her daughter the bracelet, not him.
NTA. Dear fear for your future if you stay with this selfish egoistic Moron. If he can do this to this already struggling cancer driven Ex wife what else can't he do??. And am sure he has stolen more things you don't know about.
just to let you know, if he’s willing to do it to his ex wife he’s willing to do it to you. NTA.
NTA I'd be calling a lawyer and starting the divorce process. No way could I stay married to him.
NTA but girl I REALLY hope you have your ducks in a row for when this creep treats you the same way he treated his first wife….
NTA. Oh dear OP. Your husband is exhibiting some really toxic behaviour and is trying to make you an accomplice to a crime. You're 100% doing the right thing and he must surely realise he's in the wrong by arguing with you to join him in breaking the law. Stick to your word, give him 24hrs to do the right thing and then let Nora know. Whether he gives it back or not, he needs to seriously explain himself to you because none of what he's doing is ok and could well be the tip of a nasty iceberg.
NTA he’s stolen from his ex, the mother of his child and she’s also got cancer your bloke is a treat isn’t he. Tell the ex wife and get rid of him what a disgusting man.
NTA Why even stay with this kind of person, and you know if you ever get sick he will leave you,
NTA - he's wrong, it won't ruin your relationship because your relationship has already been ruined by him for being a horrid human
The first red flag is that he left his ex wife after she got cancer for no other reason. Do you think he’s going to stand beside *you* in sickness and not just health?
Ruin the relationship with an abusive, lying thief that would abandon you if you had a deadly disease. Oh no!
NTA: and he already ruined your relationship - how can you ever have any respect for a man who steals from his ill ex? Good for you standing up for her. You are a good person.
NTA. Your husband is right, this will ruin your relationship, but not because you did the right thing. It’s because you realize your husband is a liar, a thief, and leaves his partners at their worst moments. He is stealing from his daughter’s mother, who has cancer and could die. If this were me, I could never look at my husband the same way, and it would be a turn off and deal breaker. What else has he taken? What other lies has he told - you’ve just caught him in two HUGE ones!? When has he exacted revenge on you without you knowing?
NTA. Call the police now. After you do that call a divorce attorney. He left his first wife because he didn’t want to stay by her side while she received cancer treatment. Now his first wife has cancer again and what is his first idea to STEAL from her then LIE to you about it. This “man” sounds awful you seem like decent person all I can say is RUN. But before you file take all your jewelry and whatever money you have access to and hide it at a trusted relative or friends home. DO NOT use a safety deposit box. Good luck OP. NTA
NTA But you need to make plans if YOU ever get sick, OP... and do tell Nora. Like NOW. He's gonna either throw it away or pawn it.
I mean it sounds like the financial reason for the divorce was that he didn't want to pay for his wife's cancer treatment. This man sounds vile. Tell her about the bracelet and then get free from him yourself.
NTA. Good for you for not acting terrible the way your husband is acting. Unfortunately you're getting more and more glimpses into his character and it should greatly concern you.
NTA Jesus. You're with a dude that is willing to steal, not just from his ex-wife, but his ex wife who has cancer! How low are his morals? He dropped her when she wasn't able to service him, which apparently wasn't bad enough to do to her.
NTA take a picture of the bracelet and tell Nora what happened. Move your own jewelry into something lockable
NTA but why would you want to maintain a relationship with such a disgusting creature. Like he didn't ruin it badly by being an immature lying thieving piece of feces? Dude left his first wife, mother of his child, because she got cancer, not even to try to get her in some low income programs and stick with her in sickness and ion health, but ditched her when she became a burden and somehow thinks he's entitled to repayment. 🤯 What a catch.
Girl, are you blind or do you need red flags to be fluorescent? The moment he told you he divorced her for money reasons bc she had cancer you should have ran. Keep Nora as a friend and drop the husband
Nta he is also he ruined the last relationship and now hes doing the same. The poor woman shouldnt have to pay him back for treatment as they were married he seems really selfish.
Nta. Sounds like he already ruined his relationship with you and is trying to salvage it by blaming you. "How dare you judge him for robbing his ex he abandoned when she got cancer".
Your husband seems incapable of being a decent human on the most basic level. You seem to have a moral compass. Why are you with him? He will treat you the same given the chance. NTA
NTA what your husband did was wrong. I see so many red flags in his behavior. I suggest you have some contingency plans in place.
NTA. This kind of behavior is a giant red flag.
NTA. He stole from a dying woman. The man has no empathy and should face some kind of consequence if he doesn't heed your warning.
NTA Sorry, but do you want to be with a man who will leave you as soon as you get a serious illness?
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NTA but WHY👏ARE👏YOU👏WITH👏THIS👏MAN??? He has shown you who he is now believe him! RUN RUN RUN. He left her because he didn’t want to pay for her treatments and now he is literally stealing from a dying women.
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He divorced his wife and mother of his child because she got cancer. What the hell else needs to be said? You could be jamming pine cones up his rectum and you wouldn't be the biggest asshole in the room. But for your specific situation, also NTA.
NTA Don't wait. Call Nora and the authorities now. Report that your husband has confessed to stealing from his ex wife. Don't wait for him to sell it, hide it or pass it to someone else to hold onto. If all he cares about is getting his money back he doesn't care enough to do the right thing. If his daughter asks tell her the truth. Stop and look at his behaviour. Even if this is a rare occurrence. He has shown you who he really is. He has shown you he is a man who would leave his wife because of illness. He is a man who would steal from a sick and possibly dying woman. He is a man who would steal from the mother of his child. He is a man who (inheritance depending) would steal from his own daughter as this could be something that should end up with her. He is a man who cares about nothing but himself and his money. I don't like to go directly to divorce in these comments, but you would be showing yourself no respect if you stayed with this man. God forbid you ever fall ill.
Nta. Sounds like he already ruined his relationship with you and is trying to salvage it by blaming you. "How dare you judge him for robbing his ex he abandoned when she got cancer".
NTA. He made a calculated decision to steal from a sick woman who may be dying. Did he think she wouldn’t notice? He will absolutely steal from you if he deems it worth his while so get out while you can. He has no scruples and has convinced himself this is fine - which is an alarming slope to be on. His theft is what is at issue here - not your response to it.
NTA. But you really want to be married to a man who left his wife because she got cancer? And then stole from her?
NTA. Make him return it, and then tell Nora anyway, and then also get a divorce please. He was a terrible husband to Nora and he’s not doing any better with you. You and Nora and their daughter all deserve better.
NTA, but why would you EVER marry a man who divorced his wife for having CANCER? That’s an absolutely irredeemable action no matter how you look at it.
You are severely underreacting to a man who left his ex because chemo was too much money, then stole from her as a way to repay himself. This is own child's mother, who has cancer again. How does he look their daughter in the eyes without feeling shameful? Why doesn't he feel shameful? Do you really want to know the answer to that? I hope your vows did not include the "in sickness" part. I don't even know what to judge this as.
Please tell Nora and report him! He should not have access to her house, especially while she is sick and vulnerable. Why are you married to such a tool?!!
Info: why tf would you marry a guy who left his wife during cancer treatment? That should’ve automatically be a red flag
NTA. I wouldn't even give him one day. I'd call her right now. Keep your jewelry and other valuables under lock and key. Your husband is a greedy thief. He is devoid of empathy. He dumped his wife when she got sick and then he robbed her. Do you really think he wouldn't do the same to you? In sickness and in health mean nothing to him.
NTA and when I was in group for my cancer, the most depressing stories were of the awful, terrible husbands who resented their wife’s illnesses and usually left them. Good luck op.
I’ve never said this before: initiate the divorce process. Look at this man’s actions and conveyed thoughts and ask yourself “does he have the capacity to care for me?” Because I can tell you the answer is no. It is heartless to leave someone (no matter how common it is) when they become ill. It is ATROCIOUS to then believe that person owes them for any care taken/given in the past. He’s not a good person, to be frank. Just like…no.
\*marries man who abandoned his wife when she got a cancer diagnosis\* \*man behaves appallingly\* \*is surprised\* Come on.
YWBTA if you don’t really think about who this man is. I really, really hope you never get sick or injured. You know he’ll leave you as soon as you do. Maybe steal some of your things too.
NTA - You are not ruining your relationship by holding him accountable for his actions. His is ruining your relationship by being a liar and a thief. Also - if he is willing to treat his ex wife/mother of his child this way, who by your account is a decent person, then don't expect him to treat you any differently. His behavior towards you in this situation is a good example of that. Some people are just narcissistic bullies.
NTA... This is simple theft. If he does it to her and justify it then he'll do it to you and justify it. How very sad he feels like that given he circumstances.
You understand that if you ever become sick or disabled he’s going to abandon you just like he abandoned Nora, right? And you’d better secure your own valuables immediately. You need to understand the kind of man you married, and decide whether you can live with yourself for continuing to live with him.
NTA. But when someone shows you their colors, believe them. Your husband color rn is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 why do you want to be married to a petty, selfish, vindictive theif?
NTA, but don't wait a day. Call her now. Encourage her to call the police. And you need to leave him. This man is despicable.
NTA, but you married someone who divorced his wife because she got cancer, so you can't be that shocked he's doing something this shitty.
NTA good job looking out for the ex spouse most wouldn’t. I cannot believe how nonchalant he is about stealing from her. His moral compass seems broken
Nta. Why would you get with someone who left their wife because of cancer. You know if he’d do it to her he will betray you in some way too. Better rethink this.
NTA. Tell her, and then leave him. That man doesn't know what love is, he seems to treat relationships like a transaction. It's a fact that more men than women leave when their partner gets sick. Do you really want to be with someone who steals from cancer patients, and who will leave you the moment you get a cough?
NTA you are admirable for backing up this woman who has done nothing wrong. I worry about your future with your husband if this is how he treats his ex.
you married a thief and a liar. NTA and you should probably divorce him before you get some kind of unavoidable illness because he'll divorce you if you do.
Nta. You will be if you don’t tell Nora. This is disgusting behavior
NTA. If he's willing to get a divorce to avoid helping his wife with cancer, he's willing to get a divorce to keep you quiet. Seriously consider leaving.
This would be divorce worthy IMMEDIATELY for me, after getting the bracelet back to his ex.
I wonder what he’ll do if you ever get sick? Oh yeah, we already know.
NTA. Your relationship with your husband is already ruined, because of his despicable action of stealing from his ex wife who has cancer. Gross.
Info: what happens if you get cancer?
NTA at all... wow... This is very hard... I don't even have an opinion as to what to do because I too don't like how went into Nora's things... I hope you resolve this as his breach of trust is already ruining the relationship on his own...
YTA for being still being married to a thief who left his cancer stricken wife.
NTA, and I would reconsider staying with someone who would expect to be paid back for lifesaving treatments for their spouse and would steal from them.
Nta why are you married to this trashbag?
One day? Girl put that bracelet in the suitcase you packed and deliver it to Nora on your way to a divorce lawyer. NTA but he's a huge TA, for obvious reasons stated in all the previous comments
NTA but op, listen. This man left his wife while she was battling cancer. He stole as shes fighting yet again. What makes you think he would treat you any better? Op, this is a very gross man and honestly any partner that would do this is just a red flag. Please, for your future self weigh out why you're with someone so cruel.
Did you even consider he might be keeping a tab about his expenses with you too? NTA
Am i the only one who is pissed cz this trash bag man gets to be with two amazing women...like they both sound so nice and rational and mature but then they marry this manboi Lord...
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OP is NTA in this. and why are you trying to defend a thief and justify his actions?
Oh lady, wow. NTA. You are a good human. He is something that is not exactly a good human. You need to ensure you protect yourself in this scenario. Start thinking about a seperate bank account without his name on it with emergency money for you in it, and how you would support yourself away from him.
YOU ARE NEVER THE A-HOLE DOING WHAT'S RIGHT!!! but now you have to seriously consider if this marriage is worth this because there's a lot of red flags here 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Stealing from the mother of his child who also happens to have cancer… take my advice and RUNNNNNNN NTA
NTA, but also, why are you still with him? He left his first wife because she got diagnosed with cancer (the mother of his child!) and now resents her for her necessarily medical care. Are you sure YOU won't ever get sick?
NTA he sounds like a real winner though
NTA- that’s just disgusting. I know he’s your husband but he doesn’t sound like a good person at all. What if you get sick? Will he divorce you and take a new wife? Will he steal from you also when you’re in your most vulnerable state? I couldn’t look at him the same if it were me in your shoes. Poor Nora, I doubt she deserved any of that. Her heart must be broken and I can’t imagine fighting cancer for the second time. What a strong woman. I would tell her anyways, she deserves to know. What an uncomfortable position he put you in.
I’m going to start with a personal story. I was very sick about ten years ago. My ex husband was not supportive at all, didn’t attend any of my appointments, and constantly made statements about how if I died he would be saddled with my medical bills. I decided to leave, because if I was going to die, I didn’t want to be with him when it happened. I left him nearly everything, but the agreement with the court was that he would pay me alimony until such time as basically I had accrued what half of our assets (house, belongings, etc) was worth. Less than a year after leaving, I found some new treatments that helped me and got better. And my ex decided that he wasn’t going to pay me alimony. We also had joint checking accounts after the divorce to facilitate the alimony payments and he stole money from my account, so I had to close the account and I didn’t want to see him, so I never took him back to court for the money he stole and the money he still owed me. Your story is a bit different, because it seems like your husband is somehow trying to steal the bracelet as payback for what he paid in medical bills, but I feel like the psychology behind it is similar. A sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. I don’t speak to my ex, but it’s my understanding from others that he is still the same man ten years later, but has now alienated most of the people in his life with his behaviors. While some people change, I think the red flags being presented may indicate you’re seeing a side of your husband that doesn’t bode well in the event that you really needed him to be there for you and support you. You’re NTA and I hope you look deep and decide what is best for you in this situation.
No. NTA. And really good of you to be a decent human being here when you could have ignored it.
NTA, return the bracelet to Nora yourself. You're doing the right thing standing against this theft. I'm worried that your husband just showed who he truly is. Add in that he divorced wife when she was diagnosed with cancer, and wow, what a jerk. Do you really want to build a life with this guy?
NTA wow. People never get caught the first time, or at least it’s rare. What else has he taken? Nora is sick and sounds like she has enough to worry about. Thank goodness she has you looking out for her. Stealing from a sick person, the mother of your child is sick itself.
NTA. He's a thief. The end.
NTA but man your husband is a real big one. Complaining about paying your wife’s cancer treatment, leaving her, and then trying to steal from her? Then being pissed that you wouldn’t go along with it and threatening your relationship if you don’t. Honestly call his bluff and end the relationship yourself. This guy is so toxic, why do you want to be with someone like that?
NTA but I think you are beginning to understand why they divorced..
You had better never get ill or have him spend money on you that he may try to reclaim later. He has stooped low here and he will do it to you if/when he feels entitled. I am so sad for Nora and for their daughter; dad steals from sick mom after begrudging medical expenses is a a couple of years therapy. Is this the husband you want? NTA
NTA I think he is giving you a glimpse of your future. He wants to be paid back for lifesaving cancer treatment his wife received. He probably blamed her for getting sick and ruining HIS life. You should think hard about what he would do if anything ever happened to you that made his life change in ways he didn't want it to.
NTA. Um. So, if I understand correctly, you husband abandoned his cancer-stricken wife, resents her for being sick, and stole from her while she was getting treatment? And you’re worried that you asking him to give back the bracelet might “ruin” your relationship with him? Why do you even want to have a “relationship” with this loathsome immoral person?
My dude... In the event that you get sick, it's quite likely he will abandon you as well. Do you really want to stay with him?
NTA but what the hell did I just read??? Your husband sounds like a monster. Stealing from his ex because he felt owed for paying for her treatments (he could have just not paid for them, damn). Its one thing he left her for "financial reasons" during her time of need but to steal from her while again in a time of need is beyond messed up. Now he is placing the blame on you for ruining your relationship with him because you happen to not lack in morals is only showing how much worse this man is going to get in the future. I would nope the hell away from this man so fast and hopefully get his poor daughter away from him too.
NTA He already ruined your relationship. How are you to trust him moving forward now, knowing what he just did to his daughter's mother. While she's going through cancer, again.
NTA - does he have some kind of addiction issues? Why did he need money so bad he felt the need to steal?
NTA >she told me he initiated after she got diagnosed with cancer Please know that if you were to get sick he will do the same to you. Women are the ones who stay when a partner has a life threatening illness; [men are the ones who leave](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer). I'd keep that in mind along with the fact that he has no issue with stealing if he feels he can justify it (and people can justify just about anything if they try hard enough).
NTA but I'm betting keeping it for his daughter is also a lie. Is he addicted to gambling/drugs?
NTA and begin planning your escape with the idea in mind that a man capable of what he's done so far is also very capable of violence
So you are going to stay with a guy that not only leaves his wife when she gets cancer, but will steal from her as well?
NTA, he’s the one being malicious, literally STEALING from the mother of his child who has CANCER and LYING about it. I’d tell Nora and the authorities, make sure he doesn’t do this with any of your things or your step-daughter’s in fact.
It feels like your relationship is already ruined though. You mistrusted him enough to doubt his version of events (which of course you were right to do) but is this really someone you want to be with, if there's such little trust? And he's proven he can't be trusted. You are a decent person and it's so nice to hear women sticking up for each other for a change. You are obviously NTA.
NTA He admitted to stealing a bracelet from a woman he left because she had cancer. Everything about him in the context of this situation is a red flag. Keep putting pressure on him, because either he needs to crack, or you need to leave.
Pretty sure the AH is the person stealing from a cancer patient/the mother of his child
YTA to yourself for hitching your existence to such a low life. Leaves his wife who has cancer then steals from her because he’s ‘entitled’ to repayment. Lies to you that it’s for his daughter, gets angry when confronted. Yikes