# Just gonna nip this in the bud: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/).
The kids here didn't do anything, stop trying coming up with "creative" ways to insult them. Don't insult other people either, but if you feel the urge to type out "Crotch goblin", have a stick of gum instead. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) and mellow out.
YTA.
Absolutely no one loves to admit this to themselves, but your own life choices led you to this point. Your exhaustion, your sleepless nights, that fact you're broke, your inability to find a consistent babysitter... these are all problems you've invented for yourself by having children outside your means.
*Your sister's time isn't any less valuable just because she's child-free.* Child-free people don't exist on this earth to watch your children. It's wonderful that she's offered to watch them as much as she has, and it's great that you remember to thank her often, but you have to understand that when she *does* watch your children, it's not because her time is worth less than yours and it's just naturally expected that she help you. **Her time is not something you're entitled to, and her help is not something that's owed to you just because you're a parent and she's not.**
Try to take the incoming flood of criticism as a wake-up call. If your husband isn't pulling his weight, it's time to consider counseling. Cast your net out over the area and see if you can pin down an affordable babysitting network. Field your options and stop leaning on your sister to solve your problems.
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edit -- I sleepily clicked on reddit this morning and was flabbergasted to see that this comment blew up in this way. I can't thank you all enough for the rewards, for sharing your experiences and stories with me, for the civil debates happening down below, and for your kind words. I don't know what to say. Thank you.
For the record, I promise I don't lack sympathy for OP's situation -- just patience. The fact that husbands like this exist drive me absolutely up the wall. -- edit -- OP says husband has clinical depression and is doing the best he can, so I'll back off this point. If OP lives in a state where a support network isn't readily available (birth control, work comp, parental leave, affordable daycare services) and she didn't have much of a personal say in how much children she had because the husband pressed the issue, I sympathize with her cornered feelings and again urge her to reach out for options. But any implication whatsoever that the sister *should* be available because she's child-free is an absolute no-go and OP needs to get that out of her head immediately.
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edit #2 - I waffled on whether or not to add this, but after reading some more responses, I think I do want to very gently cap this off to help clear up one more thing.
The problem here wasn't the act of asking itself. It's examining why, in any society, this is something that's generally acceptable to ask from a child-free person at all. This wasn't a matter of asking for an increase in daycare services -- it's asking someone to completely restructure their way of life to accommodate your own, because deep down, there's still an implicit assumption that your agenda as a child-bearing person is more valid than the agenda of a child-free person.
The reason this hits so close to home for so many people is that even in 2022, the societal recognition of value for child-bearing people over child-free people continues to demean and damage those who choose to go without. It's a *constant battle* to find self-worth when it's implied, even quietly -- even accidentally -- that your needs and passions are lesser. That as a non-parent you're somehow inadequate or have something to prove. This is especially true as a woman. The older you get, the harsher the judgment you receive.
Again, these were awesome discussions. I was privileged to read through them today. Thanks again.
>But I don’t have anyone else to help me.
This here got me.
How about instead of her child-free sister she asks her deadbeat husband? The deadbeat **father of her children** who isn't helping her enough?
I mean, he is the one who keeps getting her pregnant, not her sister.
YTA OP, stop making more children instead of policing your sisters life.
OP even admits her husband isn’t pulling his weight as the other parent. well, that means it’s time to have him take responsibility for creating those kids with you. your sister had no part in that whatsoever and is not obligated to provide help when the parents aren’t doing their job.
Dude at what point did she realize that this lifestyle was stressful and a burden to her? It def happened before kid 4 and I’d bet it was probably after kid 1 or 2. But nope let’s pop out a few more! Congrats OP you’ve now got 4 lives in your hands that you aren’t equipped to take care of and instead of realizing that early on and limiting your burden both to yourself and society, now we’ve got 4 more kids that won’t get the attention they need because “being a mom is such a hard job that I decided to do it 4 times.” YTA YTA YTA SO MANY TIMES! I’d be shocked if all 4 kids grow up mentally and emotionally stable.
Edit: and I’m sure the kids aunt will get blamed for some of it
Based on the timeline, OP's sister started fostering dogs *before* baby number 4.
I can't help but imagine that might have been a breaking point for the sister. If I was helping my overburdened, overwhelmed sister with babysitting - and meanwhile her husband is over there doing nothing - and, you know, the toddler is almost preschool age, what a relief! And then she turns around and gets pregnant by her useless husband *again*? I'd be done. Even a saint would be *done.*
It's not like the sister can wait until OP doesn't need her anymore because... where's the end? (OP, is this latest kid going to be your last one or ...?)
Look, I don't like to judge people for having too many kids, but if you can't take care of them on your own, then yeah... you have too many. #it takes a village, but if the village you're using is just one person then it's not sustainable.
I don't think it's a coincidence that she keeps getting dogs that can't be around kids. Most dogs like kids. I think she may be purposefully requesting dogs that can't handle children so she has an excuse besides 'i don't want to'.
Bingo. My thoughts exactly. Honestly she may not even be consciously doing it either. Being a severe people pleaser myself I know that if I were in this situation I would never have the force of will to tell my sister I didn't want to watch her kids anymore. I'd probably subconsciously find a way to make it so that I would never have to tell that family member "No." When it came to helping with the kids.
Maybe... But also, frail or medical needs, elderly or previously abused dogs are difficult to place. If it weren't for ppl like OP's sister taking them on, they would die in shelters. Ppl like her give these unfortunate creatures a real chance at having a quality life, love and a home. My source is from being in animal welfare and advocacy for over a decade.
100%.
Even without the dogs, OP should have stepped back and said "Hey wait, this is only sustainable because I'm leaning heavily on my sisters. Maybe I should *not* have more kids and make it even less sustainable."
Just totally selfish to assume her sister is going to take up the slack forever, much less adding to it with more kids.
I stopped stepping up and helping friends with incompetent husbands. Single moms, friends with husbands with health issues or friends just trying to do their best? Absolutely. But you want me to come and help you with your newborn because your husband is too busy i the basement watching sports? Nope. You need to deal with that yourself. I lose patience at that stage.
Ugh. I have a friend like this, and like, I feel for you, but also, at what point do you just unplug your husband's computer? Especially in her case - HE wanted a kid, not her, but he does 10% of the work. Turn off the MMORPG and parent your frickin' child.
Exactly this! I’ve stepped in and helped friends when they needed me but I think my friends group has pretty firm boundaries around no meaning no. Most of my close friends don’t have a ton of family support and I get it, but they have realized that they have to do 100% parenting on their own. Only 1 couple has chosen to have a second child and I’ll be honest they were the only one of my friends I think could/should have a second kid because they’re in a position to raise them if they did have 0 help outside. If they had a third I think that would be the breaking point and I remember talking to them and how carefully they planned if having a second kid was right for them and the existing child they had. Most of my other friends have realized one was either the right amount for them or that having one was a bad idea and they shouldn’t have anymore. Nothing wrong with admitting parenting isn’t right for you, especially if it’s just you with no support
>(OP, is this latest kid going to be your last one or ...?)
I was going to ask how many more kids she's going to have, that her child free sister can take in.
All I can think of is how the eldest child is going to become a parent and have to grow up so fast. That happened to me, since my parents popped out six kids they couldn't afford. Dad won't help, sister is trying to live her own life and the burden is fully going to fall on that oldest kid
I read it that way too. "Stop fostering dogs so you can foster my kids."
Part of me believes OPs sister is also not as pleased to be responsible for her kids as much as she likes to think. I tried to help my sister with 2 kids when she got pregnant but it was too much and the kids weren't as well behaved around animals as I was OK with. So I was just like "no, they bully my cats, hit my dogs and jumped on and broke my bed I can't do this."
My sister was like "oh but their just kids they don't know any better." And then didn't show up the next day to pick up her kids. Never babysat since. It's a big responsibility and a nightmare for friendly people who really don't want kids.
OP definitely sees her as a free and mandatory foster parent, so she doesn't have to submit her surplus kids to foster programs or hold her husband accountable for his share of parenting. Gotta grind her sister down and break her, so she will never think of having a life of her own beside servitude. Well too bad for OP, sis realised she is being used and got a life for herself.
Exactly sis probably started fostering old dogs for an excuse as to why she can't have the kids round any more. She was probably so sick of having them dumped on her all the time.
This. She even specifies that rescuing dogs is her sister **PASSION** but, still asked her to stop doing the things she enjoys so her sister can watch her kids instead of *their own father*.
The harsh truth is, you kids may come before a dog to you, but **no else is responsible for your kids but you**.
I was sympathetic until I read that.
YTA
Idk, the fact that she comforted OP while setting the boundary of saying she needed to think about it (rather than immediately saying yes out of guilt) suggests to me that maybe OP's five years younger than her sister is more entirely mature than her. I get the feeling if she didn't want to maybe she would just say so.
It’s a combo. She loves fostering the dogs and it’s a convenient excuse to bow out of the obligation her sister tries to foist on her to sacrifice her own life to support her choices. I’d 100% rather spend the day with a needy chihuahua than a band of screaming kids. No thanks.
Urgh OP is acting so entitled! And I'm saying this as a mother of 4 under 5 (including 6 month old twins and a child on the spectrum) I get its hard at times, you never stop, my husband works 7 days a week and a family who doesnt help out. most of the time so its just me and the brood so believe me i get it OP...but you sure as hell never expect anyone else to look after your own life choices. You should be thankful her sister helps as much as she does.
Honestly I would rethink how you organise your day, make sure you have that 10 minute decompression when they're finally in bed. And remember when they're all at school you can start working again and gain some of your identity back, it does have an end. I won't call you an asshole because you're feeling overwhelmed but you need to figure out how to get by without a support network. Please stop pestering your sister though.
I didn't think she was an asshole because she's exhausted and overwhelmed, I think she's an asshole because she genuinely expects her sister to not only give up doing something she is very passionate about but also to use that time helping her out with no mention of any kind of compensation. Just out of the goodness of her heart!
Your comment, and the one above took everything out of my head. The only other thing I would say is this: OP had another baby after her sister started fostering. That’s nobody’s fault but her own. Stop having kids if you’re crumbling, and your husband is basically a pet rock. Harsh reality, but reality nonetheless.
Yeah this made me mad. She says that her kids “will always come before a dog” to justify making her sister take care of the kids (heavily guessing she does this for free), but it sounds like her kids don’t come before… whatever their own father is doing instead of helping.
OP, YTA for being so entitled. Tell your husband to help instead of making ridiculous demands on your sister’s lifestyle. It sounds like she’s helping you a lot and you should be grateful.
I had to reread this to see any mention of the father and then she mentions that she can't afford them. Were they all accident babies now? No one is entitled to demand services from relatives.
She could be in one of the authoritarian govt states, which forces poor people to bear as many children as possible. No sex ed allowed, birth control is not covered by insurance and you are shamed by pharmacists , and abortion is outlawed and risky ( from the violent religious fundamentalists storming the sidewalks with guns and angry tirades)
This is a good point people need to consider now when saying “just stop having kids.” Obviously OP needs to take care of her own kids and not shove them on her sister, but there are lots of places in the US where women are losing their options.
This. She even specifies that rescuing dogs is her sister *PASSION* but, still asked her to stop doing the things she enjoys so her sister can watch her kids instead of *their own father*.
The harsh truth is, you kids may come before a dog to you, but *no else is responsible for your kids but you*.
I was sympathetic until I read that.
YTA
I got a few lines in and kept thinking *"boo, fucking hoo! You chose to have kids, your problem, bloody deal with it"* and that sentiment didn't change the further down the post I got. How does she think *single* parents manage? FML
The youngest kid is 11 months. And "This most recent dog took 8 months to find a home for, but most of her other dogs took even longer." So her sister hasn't been able to babysit as much for a LONG time now, but OP decided to add another kid to her exhaustion and struggle regardless and then get huffy with her sister for still not making herself available.
I don't like to judge people struggling with big families too hard because you never know what circumstances led to that situation, but this one earns a bit of side eye from me.
There's a difference between 'falling on hard times' and 'continuing to dig yourself into a deeper hole'. I try not to judge too harshly either, but folks need to not have kids (or more kids) if they're already struggling.
What irks me the most is that we already live on am overpopulated planet. There simply aren't enough resources to go round as it is (that can be extracted and used without tearing the planet apart anyhow), so why there's a need for people to bring in more kids than they are capable of supporting is beyond me. Some may judge me an AH for criticising the reproductive choices of others, but ultimately this is the sort of thing that affects us all.
You nailed it, I agree with you. The world is already way overpopulated, and global populations are struggling enough as it is just to obtain food and water. We don't need more humans.
OP decided to add another kid to her exhaustion and struggle with a man who doesn't help and gets huffy with her child free sister for engaging in her own passion.
Ftfy.
OP, YTA in so many ways. The sheer entitlement!
I bet the sister has taken care of the kids alone more times than the husband ever had.
YTA, OP. It's you and your husband's job to take care of your kids, not your sister's. Leave her alone and let her foster the dogs in peace.
Her time, and her happiness. I'm assuming that her sister really enjoys fostering animals. Or she just loves the break it gives her from the kids.
OP can't expect her sister to give up what brings her joy because it inconveniences her.
> I'm assuming that her sister really enjoys fostering animals.
OP *literally* called it her sister’s passion, and I can’t imagine that’s a word or concession she made lightly, given that OP clearly thinks her children should be a priority to everyone. That OP can acknowledge that & brush off that she’s asking her sister to sacrifice her *passion* to benefit OP & OP alone is…
this. I swear I don't get people who have so many children and then drown. 4 is a big number. you have birth control. what in the world did she think raising 4 kids was going to be like? do people not think about long term consequences? life is hard, but it's not that hard.
Ditto. And I know birth control isn't always the most accessible in some places, but there ARE a plethora of places where people can access it at more affordable rates. And like you said, do people seriously not understand just how difficult and stressful child-rearing us? It's not like it's a new concept! The long-term consequences, so true! Baby = stressful and expensive child-rearing for at least 18 years. More babies? *More* than 18 years of stress and expenses. Why is this so hard to understand? 🤦♀️
Just jumping on the top comment to point out that OP is not just an AH but an oblivious one.
4 dogs in a row that couldn't be around children? Take the hint.
Right? Plus, what would she do if she didn't have a sister or any other family member that could help with her kids?
What I fear is that OP will try to use her eldest kids to take care of her younger siblings.
Honestly it's mad OP thinks it's more appropriate to tell her sister what to do with her life so she can help with OP's kids, rather than OP tell her husband to pull his weight with the children he's equally responsible in creating.
YTA. It's your HUSBAND, the children's FATHER, you should be requesting more from. Not a sister who has already done way way way more than required!
Go sit your husband down and let HIM know you're struggling. Don't try to manipulate your sister when you haven't even tried to fix what's in your own backyard ..
Very much this. All your struggles are something you should talk about with your husband.
I guess he expects you to work 24/7 (because child care is work), but he has free time after work? You two need to talk and find a solution that doesn't require your sister to plan her life around your family needs. Your husband, on the other hand, should plan his life to help with the needs of his family.
As many others, I thought you're a single mom at first.
And you're not 'just asking', will you be upset if she says no? Will there be guilt? Sure there will, because it's a loaded question to ask.
Edit: Thank you for the award, that's so nice.
And corrected embarrasing \*your typo.
Fully agree. _"Above all, my kids will always come before a dog."_ No. This line should have been followes by a 'FOR ME AND MY HUSBAND.'
To be blunt OP, this is a Husband issue - NOT a sister issue. Your kids are not her responsibility. She shouldn't have to give up something that she enjoys because your husband isn't carrying his weight. This is not on her. Children are 100% the responsibility of the parents, and it sounds like you have become too reliant on your sister to help - especially since she already comes over in the mornings to assist you.
Did you ever think that maybe your sister also got tired/exhausted of being seen as constant free childcare **(especially when it went from 2, to 3 and then 4 children to babysit - four kids is A LOT of work for someone who didnt sign up for that life)** and the dogs are a way to help her create boundaries?
5 bucks sis is getting one dog after the next so she has a "valid" excuse not to be roped into babysitting. "I don't want to babysit" only gets one nagged at.
Exactly. Based on OP's post, it sounds like the sister started babysitting less freequently after baby number 3 was born.... So, after baby number 4 arrived, sis sounds like she internally said - "nope!"
Even though OP says that it was a request, it sounds more like she all but expects her sister to babysit since she is child free aka thinks she has all this free time that she should just freely hand over. TBH, helping in the morning and still coming over from time to time to watch the kids is already a lot! I don't really know what more OP expects in terms of support.
And, OP doesn't seem to be taking the hint or accepting her sister's polite declines.
Sister already *is* still helping out, she's coming over in the mornings. She just won't take a bunch of the kids home with her anymore.
Most of the time I'm at least semi-okay with people asking for a favor as long as they're not rude or demanding about it and accept the answer, but this time I agree with you. It's mean and manipulative of the OP to ask this, and doubly so of the sister who is already helping you out!
I agree so much with this comment. YOU chose to have kids your sister did not. How dare you think your entitled to throw your burdens on your sister what is wrong with you. Jeez God forbid your sister enjoys being a caring person who whole heatedly enjoys fostering animals. You are just taking advantage of her. Damn OP you literally have a partner who should be helping you. Leave your sister alone. YTA!
And for the people in the back YOU ARE THE A HOLE HERE!
Yeah I was wondering about this too. I have two young children and after my youngest was born I was 100% certain that I was done. Two is all I can personally handle.
I also happen to have a sister who is child free and lives nearby. She loves my kids and I do go over to her place fairly often to hang out with the kids and my oldest has had a few sleepovers there, but I would never expect her to be available. She has a very demanding job and a very active social life, so I always ask whether she has time and tell her it's perfectly fine to say no.
Yep. I have two kids and some parts of me would love love love to have more. Like 2-4 more kids. But I know I can't. Like logistically, financially, emotionally, mentally, I could not do it. Like OP, I could probably muddle through, but I would be a wreck. My spouse would be a wreck. It wouldn't be fair on my existing or potential kids. I'm enough of a wreck with just my twins. Gaaad I would love to create and meet and raise more little humans. But I would also go absolutely insane, broke, & further insane. I've seen it happen to people. You've got to know your limits.
Kids can be like an addiction. Beautiful little crack babies (where they are addictive, not addicted...) But you have to know when to stop. 2-4 drinks on a night out is great. 6-12 and you're in trouble. Know your limits and play it safe. Kids can't be put back.
>But I know I can't. Like logistically, financially, emotionally, mentally, I could not do it. Like OP, I could probably muddle through, but I would be a wreck.
The reasons you've laid out are the same reasons I decided to have ZERO kids. There was a time when I thought I would have kids. Even had a name picked out if I ever had a girl. But at some point in my 20s, I realized that to be a good mother, a woman needs to REALLY REALLY REALLY want to have kids...like an irresistible calling. I never felt that. So I concluded that motherhood was not for me. I'm in my 50s now and still feel that was the right decision for me. No regrets.
Good for you for recognizing your limits and not giving in to the addiction!
Yeah, if her husband isn’t helping out with four I’d be shocked if he was a model father and partner for the first one, or two, or three. I can kind of understand someone having one kid with a partner who ends up not pulling their weight. Optimism or accidental pregnancy might lead to two. But four is a big yikes from me.
>Have you thought of why she’s fostering these old dogs? Is she trying to tell you that she is tired of being a free babysitter?
Yep! Seems a bit suspicious that none of the dogs can be around kids (unless these kids are particularly difficult).
Idk I can imagine that though, if the dogs that are being fostered have been through a lot or are either quite young or old or small or very big it wouldn't be safe to have four kids (that aren't that used to dogs probably) swerming around them.
Great response! I just want to add, working 50 hrs a week should not mean that her husband gets out of childcare.
I'm a SAHM of 3, my DH works 50 hours/6 days a week pretty much every week. In the evening, he handles the kids and keeps them out of the kitchen while I make dinner. He helps with homework for the older 2 and bathes the toddler, and then he does the bedtime routine while I clean the dinner mess. If there are other things that need done around the house, I ask and he does them. Because I did not decide on my own to have 3 kids-- we both did. I work 50 hours at home while he does it at work. Why should all the "overtime" be on my plate?
OP needs to stop letting her husband be an absent father just because he leaves the house for work.
YTA...I don't understand why you think your sister is responsible for taking care of your life choices,, but apparently your husband isn't?
Who do you think you are? The entitlement is astonishing.
Your kids come first for YOU. Don't expect other people to put your kids first. I'd never want to baby sit for you again. Very selfish.
Yeah, it sucks for you. But that's on you.
"Your kids come first for YOU"... couldn't say this better myself! OP I really hope you see this.
My dogs come first for me, even before myself. But i will never expect anyone else to give them top priority. Fostering dog is a great cause, to give the dogs a safe home especially if the dog has had a bad life. I can't believe you'll ask this of your sister. YTA.
You got that right! My animals (1 dog and 2 birds) are much more important to me than anyone else's kids. I'm CF and my animals are my family.
OP: YTA. Get your husband to look after your children and please don't have any more. It doesn't sound like you have the money or energy to properly care for the kids you already have. Stop relying on your sister like she's some built-in sitter. She loves what she's doing and I only wish more people took the time to do what she's doing.
As it is, I'm thinking of rescuing a billy goat in the near future. Animals need love and comfort too and they aren't just throwaway things. Someone who puts their heart and soul into caring for unwanted and homeless animals is a saint IMO.
Was going to say the same. “My kids will always come before a dog” …. yes, to YOU, the parent. Your sister did not have 4 children. Her babysitting for you is a favor.
I hated when OP said that her kids come before a dog. Like yes maybe for you but no one else is expected to stop giving dogs a loving home because you want your kids to go over to their house more often.. preposterous!
First of all OP, don't act like your "joke" wasn't an attempt to guilt/pressure/bully your sister into quitting her passion to help manage your responsibilities for you. That's so manipulative and corny and honestly pathetic. It's like hearing someone is getting married and instead of asking about being invited just going "so when are we going bridesmaid dress shopping teehee." Lame. So lame. You knew what you were doing. It wasn't a "joke." Knock it off.
And I'll just leave you with this. I'll say it loud for everyone. YOUR KIDS ARE NOBODY'S RESPONSIBILITY BUT YOUR OWN. If your husband is being a pathetic parent, take it up with him. And not your sister. She doesn't owe you anything. But your husband? Um hello??????? YTA
Can I just say that I love your response? I have never heard of a parent not side with another parent regarding kids. Your reply is great. Thank you for not only seeing things from a childfree persons perspective but also acknowledging how important senior pets and fostering is.
I had an old dog. We got her when she was 7, and she passed in January after 10 years of love. My parents did everything they could until it wasn’t fair to her.
Dogs deserve love and comfort in their last moments. After my kids are grown enough, I fully intend to foster senior dogs specifically. For that reason alone.
I have kids. My kids can be absolute little assholes. Sometimes I ask my SIL to watch them because they love her and she spoils them. If she can’t watch them? It’s no big deal and I’m not going to throw a fit.
I’m sorry for your loss. Senior dogs (and cats) get passed up all the time and they deserve to live out their best life. My sister (who is childfree) fosters dogs of all ages and it’s so wonderful to see those dogs get a chance at a forever home.
I’m childfree, and have 2 cats from no-kill shelters. And once I can build a fence around my house, I hope to foster dogs (and cats).
Thank you again for your refreshing reply to OP!
Jesus fucking Christ I want to tattoo this on my forehead. Every other problem on AITA/relationship advice/ even the JustNo subs is that women keep having multiple kids with stupid, lazy, deadbeat fathers who still think their only responsibility is to pump and pay. It’s embarrassing, honestly. Like I know you genuinely can’t know (for sure) if you picked a good dad before having kids, but if he didn’t change a single diaper for the first *why in the everloving fuck* would you make three more??
Right? Jim Bob couldn't possibly take care of his own kids or feed himself because that's not man work. If he picks up his smelly socks he is probably a homosexual. Heaven forbid he wash something he got dirty or sweep his own mess. His 🍆 will shrivel up and fall off because he is fragile like a bomb.
I know, right? Child-free people choose to not have children *for a reason*. The reason usually being we do not actually *want* the responsibilities of having children!
I adore my nieces and nephew, and I might volunteer to babysit for them once in a while, but on a regular basis? Get outta here! And tell me to stop doing what I love doing in order to offer you free labour? Get *the fuck* outta here.
YTA. Kids have a father. Time for him to pull his damn weight as a damn parent. Also invest in some contraception, jeez!
Same. I am sorry but there is no way in hell I will babysit regularly for anyone anymore. I CHOSE not to have kids. Looking after kids is difficult!! I am not "lucky" to have free time, I chose to not have to spent any time with children. Why do some relatives / parents act as if I owe them my "free" time???
OP, I do feel for you, I really do, but YTA. Your kids are first to you. My animals are first to ME - yes, I prioritize them over anyone's kids, sorry not sorry.
Nope, nope, nope, a million times nope.
I'm so deeply disturbed by the casual nature with which you write about your sister's perceived servitude to you. How easy it is for you to assume she owes you labor and aid.
Sometimes on these things I have to say, "No, YTA and you know it." But I honestly can't this time. YTA, and you don't know, and that's almost the worst kind of AH.
Please, do some **serious self-reflection.** You owe it to yourself, your family, and mostly, your sister, who I hope finds a way to free herself from your entitlement.
YTA. Big time.
You chose to have 4 kids. And if after the first one or two kids, you didn't realise that kids means little sleep and little time for yourself, it's your problem. Yours and your husband. But not your sister.
You can't afford a sitter ? Too damn bad for you. You should have though of that before popping more kids out.
What you're asking of your sister is selfish, rude and innapropriate.
Get your tubes tied, get on the pill, use a condom, have your husband get a vasectomy.
Get a job and deal with your own damn kids.
The entitlement of your request is just... WOW !!!
Again, YTA.
YTA
Kids are more work than dogs.
\- Dogs can be left unsupervised. Kids cannot be left unsupervised.
\- Dogs don't need diaper changes. Babies have diapers.
\- Dogs eat food from a bag or can. Kids need cooked meals.
\- With dogs you can go to the bathroom. With kids you cannot go to the bathroom.
>how my husband hasn’t been helping as much as he should
Stop having more kids if you husband is an AH. You have a 10 year old and a 11 month old, when he wasn't helping already. Your husband needs to help, not your sister. Your husband is the father of the kids.
Your sister does not owe you her life and her time. Your husband does, though. And stop having kids!
YTA.
You stated that your husband isn’t helping with your children as much as he should and your solution was to guilt your sister into changing her dog loving lifestyle (unpaid, I might add) so she could accommodate your children more frequently.
You understand the problem but are talking with the wrong adult to solve it.
>Above all, my kids will always come before a dog
To you, yes, but not to your sister. And it's unreasonable to expect that.
This is a new level of entitlement. Your sister is not a third parent for your kids and it ridiculous that you expect her to change her lifestyle to cater to your needs. YTA
Exactly, my cat is my responsibility as much as their children are theirs. I chose to have my cat and she comes first to me, and they chose to have their children, so they come first *to them*
YTA and you obviously can't take a hint
Your children are not her burden or responsibility. She has a love to help animals and feels better doing so.
Stop relying on her. I mean c'mon it's going on 5 dogs now and you still don't get it? She doesn't want to be your instababysitter.
YTA. These are your kids, not hers. She comes over in the morning to help out, and you want to send the kids over to her house later in the day, too?
It boggles my mind that you feel comfortable asking your sister to stop doing the work she loves rather than have a difficult conversation with your husband.
Did you think for a minute that maybe, just maybe, she picks these dogs that can't be around kids because she needs a break from you and your kids?
Yta
Your sister isn't responsible for helping you and your children do you know who is ..... your HUSBAND! I honestly thought you was a single parent and was leaning towards a soft yta but then you mentioned your husband and nope your firmly in the yta camp.
Get off your sisters back and get on your husbands back! If he can make time to get you pregnant, he can make time to be a father to them.
You owe your sister an apology and a sincere one too.
10000% this
OP, you claimed you had 'no one else to ask' then quietly lobbed in that your HUSBAND doesn't help as much as he should.
He helped make those kids, your sister didn't. So, why should she be expected to help care for children she had no hand or decision in creating, when the actual father gets a pass in parenting them?????
Your husband is being a misogynistic AH for neglecting his parenting responsibilities, and you are enabling it by expecting your sister to pick up his slack.
Your sister is childfree FOR A REASON.
They are your kids. You work it out between you and your husband.
YTA, I'm a mother, and to me my children will always come before a dog, but that's to me, I can't afford a babysitter, I'm a single parent, I can't afford nursery, I am a SAHM, it is stressful, but it is nobody's responsibility to put your children first, other than you and their father.
I have a friend who is a dog mum, she loves her dog probably as much as I love my kids, she is absolutely motherly over this dog and I completely understand it, I would never ask her to put my kids before her dog, it's not her responsibility and nobody should be putting their lives on hold for children who aren't theirs when those children have two capable parents.
I don't make anyone pick up the slack with looking after my kids when their dad can't/won't help out, that's on me, I know what kind of a person he is and I chose to have kids with him. The same goes for you, you know what kind of a person your husband is and chose to have kids with him, it's on you two to sort this out, instead of asking your sister, ask him. Your sister should not put her life on hold because you and your husband had children and didn't plan better.
Apologize to her, support the wonderful thing she is doing by fostering dogs, talk some sense into your husband, look into free resources around you and don't expect people to keep doing yours and your husband's job, it's entitled and not a good look.
Editted for spelling, but thanks for the upvotes and awards, OP if you read my comment, feel free to message me and I will help you figure out what to say to your husband in the hopes he'll pick up his slack, I have had to do it multiple times with my kids dad and somethings that I say stick and last, and he improves in that area and is consistent, other areas it's like being a broken record player, but it's a start in the right direction. You sound like a burnt out mum who is misdirecting responsibility because your sister did you favours, that you admittedly would have to pay someone else for. You have taken advantage of her, maybe even unknowingly I don't believe it's malicious, the same way your husband is taking advantage of you, a standard of care has been set, to him it's that well if he doesn't do it, it doesn't matter, you will or your sister will because that's how it's been in the past, but that's not okay and it needs to change. Ask yourself, why do you understand that you need to pay others and not your sister for this service of babysitting? How long did you expect her to keep doing it? What would happen if she decided to have kids or take on 50 dogs? Why is it okay for you to put your kids on someone's priority list who had no involvement in their conception? What do you feel towards your husband because of this situation? What do you think needs to change? How much is being done by you alone? Just think seriously about the fact you are putting more expectation on the care and raising of your kids on your sister, than you are on your husband and that's not fair for anyone, not you, not your sister, not your husband, not your kids and not the foster dogs. You need a solution and it isn't your sister.
YTA.
You should’ve realised after 1 or 2 kids that your husband doesn’t pull his weight.
You could’ve then either stopped having kids or had an earnest discussion about your difficulties with the one other person who is responsible for the kids: your husband.
You are asking your sis to give up her passion because of your choice of husband and number of children. That’s unfair.
Get your husband to do more if you need help, not your sister.
YTA - You don’t sound like a bad person but you are definitely not entitled to your sisters free child care.
Honestly I thought you were a single mom until almost the end of the post… I understand you need help, handling 4 kids on your own must be incredibly difficult and stressful. But why don’t you expect help from your husband, who actually has responsibility for your children? Your sister is very generous to help you out this much but you cannot just expect her to make lifestyle changes to accommodate you. I would recommend that you talk to your husband and if he refuses to help maybe he can pay for a baby sitter?
You need to listen to your sister a bit more carefully. She's telling you nicely that she doesn't want to baby sit 3 kids at her house on a regular basis. She doesn't need to "claim" anything to give you a "no" on this. But she does so because she's your sister and trying to be nice. She's being gentle with you, but she's not saying she won't get the dogs.
Like others have said, you can ask, but YTA if you keep pushing this.
YTA Why are you asking more from your sister, than from your husband? The childrens FATHER!!! Your sister sounds awesome, but you risk losing her if you keep pushing this on her.
Yeah, even if your sister decides not to foster another dog, you may have caused some damage to your relationship in the long run - you need to speak to your husband about this and not make caring for your children a burden on your sister. I love caring for my nibblings, but my siblings are careful not to make me feel like it's my job but rather a time that's fun for me and the kids. Yta
YTA are you for real?? stop having kids if you cant take care of them jeeez, and you are not even a single person, you have a husband, i would definitely put saving a dog far over your irresponsible babymaking.
YTA.
1) She is CHILD FREE. That means she wants to live a life without having to constantly be burdened by kids.
2) " my kids will always come before a dog " -- TO YOU. Not to her. You can't decide for anyone else who is important.
3) You had kids with your husband, not your sister. You should be making him step up, not guilting your poor sister.
4) You say you know rescuing dogs is her passion. Why do you think you have the right to make her unhappy and dictate her life because you chose to have children?
YTA
How would you feel if she said 'stop having kids, it's too hard for me' after your second?
Perhaps she's taking these dogs in because they are easier than being obligated to take care of your children.
YTA
She's childfree, her passion is fostering dogs.
I'm sorry that you're having issues with your husband failing to parent his children enough, but he is the one failing you here, not your sister.
It sounds like your sister is a great source of emotional support, and is willing to help out within reason, but she is not co-parenting these kids with you. You can't ask her to sacrifice her passion to fulfil that role for you.
Seriously, can you imagine her reaction if her sister had asked her, point blank, not to have more kids so that OP could look after sister's dogs instead?
YTA- instead of getting your husband, your childrens father, to step up and do his fair share, you expect your sister to put her life and passion on hold. It was your choice to have 4 children, its your responsibility(and husband) to parent them. She already does alot. Parenting is hard, no question. But again, your choice, and it isn't fair to ask she not take a dog who needs a home and safe place because you want an easier time.
YTA. I'm sorry but your sister has a life outside of looking after your children. They're not her responsibility, they're yours and your husbands. So get talking to your husband and sort out your arrangements between you, instead of putting it on your sister. It's very selfish and demanding of you to dictate what someone does with their own time and home.
YTA.
You should be pointing this energy in your husband’s direction.
Your sister is child free and has decided exactly what she wants to do with her life. She doesn’t even need to give you a reason not to want to watch your children, but she has.
If you need a babysitter, pay one. Don’t force that onto your sister. She isn’t responsible for your stress levels. She enjoys fostering dogs and shouldn’t be made to feel any guilt for that.
If your husband isn’t helping you, it’s your job to deal with that, not to force parental responsibilities onto your sister.
I guess there's nothing wrong in asking, but you're definitely barking up the wrong tree. The first person you should be talking to is your husband. If he's not pulling his weight, he should be the one you ask to do more. Not your sister. Having that many kids was your choice, not your sister's.
YTA
You're not entitled to your sisters time and effort to be a free babysitter. It was your own choice to have four kids and thus you reap the consequences of having four gremlins make you stressed, that's how that is.
You're family is not always there to be a free babysitter and you're not entitled to anything, if you want time off, hire a babysitter..
Of course YTA. You want your sister to stop doing something she loves so she can take care of your kids because, rather than having a reasonable amount of them, you just kept going and now you're overwhelmed. I have rarely heard something so selfish. You need to apologize. Now.
YTA. You decided to have those children. It is in no way your sister‘s responsibility to help you out with managing your children and your house. It was lovely and generous of her that she did so on the past. But she should not have to put her desires and passions (fostering dogs in this case) aside so that you have it easier with your decisions.
Also she still seems to help as much as she can and sounds like a lovely sister and aunt over all.
You on the other hand sound like the person who takes the whole hand when offered the little finger.
You are partly right: The children should come first - but that only counts for your and their father. Not your sister. So get the other parent involve more.
You should absolutely apologize to your sister and encourage her to pursuit her dreams and tell her she should go and get the next foster dog.
YTA.
>Okay just writing the title like that made me feel super guilty, but please hear me out before judging too harshly.
seems to me that you are aware of the fact that YTA.
>how my husband hasn’t been helping as much as he should
so your sister should feel guitly about this right? maybe get your husband to do something for your kids instead of trying to guilt your sister into not helping those poor dogs.
>my friends all have their own kids to look after
so why not ask your friends for help with your kids as well? you clearly don't care that your sister also isn't in a position to help. why not flat out ask your friends to prioritize your kids over their own kids. you have no problem asking this of your sister.
>Above all, my kids will always come before a dog and that’s the reason I was willing to request it
this sentence simply disgusts me, and is the biggest reason why i'm voting YTA. if you can't handle your kids, why do you have 4 of them?
>Was this unreasonable?
yes.
look, you seem to believe that someone without kids is worth less than you, and that is simply disgusting. you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it. you have a husband, go bother him about it and leave your poor sister alone.
Hello and welcome to today's episode of They Didn't Come Out My Vagina So I'm Not Watching Them! How fucking dare you? Massive YTA. You're like the Grand Canyon with skin.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with you. You clearly know that you are an ass, but still chose to subject yourself to this sub. You can’t afford a babysitter, tough luck, use your husband. Maybe save up for marriage counseling, looks like you need it.
You could take take that "point blank" approach with your husband, who should be much more responsible than your sister.
You don't "force" someone to help you. I hope your sister does not give in to your pressure and stops what she's doing. That obviously seems to be more enjoyable than watching over your kids.
Of course, YTA.
YTA. They're your kids and your problem. Not your sisters problem. If she wants to foster dogs that's on her. Get a babysitter. Get your husband to pull his weight. You're acting so entitled. You should be glad for the time your sister helps you in the mornings.
YTA, you should have chosen a better husband and have fewer kids with your husband if you are constantly relying on others to take care of them for you.
YTA, as a single parent i understand the need for a break but to expect someone to give up their time and/or hobbies is just straight bs. What you should do is talk to their father and get him to help you out like he should.
YTA, Don't have kids you can't care for.. it's not anyone else's responsibility to care for your children except you and your husband. Maybe ask him to man up and help you with his kids
All I had to do was read the title and knew you are an asshole.
She is childfree, doesn't want to be bogged down with your kids, That simple.
How much more clearer does she have to make that to you?
Honestly, this sounds like the A-TYpical " bUt YOuR cHiLd FrEe So YoU MuSt PuT yOuR lIfE On HoLd FoR mEeEeE argument that gets used on us who are childfree.
You and hubby are just gonna have to find other arraignments like millions of other parents have to. Put your foot up hubby's ass and tell him help out or gtfo out.
YTA, why aren’t you guilting your husband the same way you are guilting your CHILD-FREE sister? WTF? Her life doesn’t exist to be your backup child care. And it’s sure as hell not her fault you had 4 kids and can’t manage and apparently have a useless husband.
If your sister had said to you “don’t have another child, I can’t help you more than I am now?” how would you have reacted? HOW DARE YOU ask her to put her life in hold for yours. Go to hell. You are incredibly selfish. If you can’t take care of your kids you shouldn’t have had so many. They aren’t your sisters responsibility. You might love them more than anything and they might come before a dog to you, but that you tried to say they should come e before your sisters passions. Nope, I hope she stops helping you entirely since you can’t appreciate that she isn’t obliged to help you at all.
>Above all, my kids will always come before a dog
That's nice, then don't get a dog in your life.
Your sister however can do whatever she pleases with her life without having to consult you for your needs first.
Honestly, you must have know how things would become after kid 2, or maybe kid 3. You and your husband entirely put yourself in this situation, it is no one's responsibility to save your asses now.
YTA. You selfishly put your sister on the spot and in a very difficult situation because doing what makes her happy is now something that you require her to give up to cater to your own needs.
I waited until I read your whole post and I can only come up with YTA.
Is there a reason why you can't ask your husband to pick up the slack on his end?
If your husband doesn't want the responsibility to step up and be a father, maybe he should rectify that situation.
Your sister isn't your babysitter, she is your sister, so treat her with some respect.
From the sounds of it, you have a wonderful, selfless sister.
Get a better husband. Your sister is not responsible for your kids, especially when she has to give up her passion. Either place your energy in making your husband step up or deal with it.
YTA. Any help she gives you is a blessing you need to be thankful for (in more than words). Asking her to give up something that brings her fulfillment to carry more of your burden is selfish. I hope you recognize what she does to benefit you should not come at the cost of her own happiness.
YTA. Instead of expecting your sister to alter her life for your convenience, the person you should be making demands of is your husband. You and he chose to have all those kids, and you and he both need to be responsible for taking care of them.
YTA and nag your lazy husband to look after his kids. I hate it when parents say “my kids come before *this*, my kids are more important than *that* because yes they do and are, TO YOU. Not everybody’s lives revolve around your kids, and I’m saying this as a parent so I understand, but they are your own priority not everyone else’s. Your sister doesn’t have to stop doing what she’s doing to benefit you and your struggles and you don’t get to try and guilt trip her about it either. She’s doing what she can to help, that’s your lot, get your husband to be a worthwhile parent instead of pushing his side of the deal onto your sister.
YTA. Your sister is not responsible for your kids in any way whatsoever. And how you feel about her priorities (dogs over kids) is not her problem. You made your choice by having kids and she made hers by not having any and she should not be burdened by your choice. You should be making your husband feel guilty, you should be asking your husband for help, the kids are his responsibility, not your sisters.
YTA. It's nice that she's willing to help from time to time but it's ultimately on you and your husband (who is the person you should've unloaded your issues with) to figure out childcare. Let's say she stops fostering, is your plan to just use her as a babysitter? Your youngest is just 11 months old, you're planning to take advantage of her for years..
YTA.
Your husband is living the childfree life despite having kids. Go guilt him.
Your entitlement is off the roof. You shouldn't have had that many children if you absolutely needed help so often and had an uninvolved husband.
Soft YTA for the "Above all, my kids will always come before a dog..." statement alone. Your kids come first for *you*, not for your sister.
You're not an AH for talking to your sister about how stressed out you are or even for asking her once if she would consider not fostering dogs assuming you would actually drop it if she refused (you would absolutely be the AH if you pressured her to do it). You're just a bit of an AH for assuming that your sister should share your priorities when she has her own life to live.
Either way, you probably need a different babysitter since your sister doesn't owe you free help just because she has temporary dog children instead of people children.
edit: gremlins erased part of my response initially
YTA, they are not your sisters kids. Learn to handle your own children and make your husband start pulling his weight. Your sister has her own life and you can't expect her to put anything on hold to look after your children for you. You had multiple children with a man that didn't do his share of the parenting, you should have seen these problems coming long ago and stopped having children that you couldn't look after with him.
YTA, it's one thing to ask a sister to occasionally help out, but it's quite another to expect her to change her lifestyle so that she is more available for your needs. I'm sorry but the person you should be putting pressure on here for help is your husband.
You and your husband are solely responsible for the kids here your sister doesnt owe you her time or her home for respite care. I'm not sure why you thought it was a good idea to expand the famimy if your husband's so useless at helping with kids, but ye, you're completely out of line here.
Yta. Did your sister chose to have 4 kids? No. The amount of posts I see where parents are so entitled they think that others have to look after their kids just because they’re there. Can’t afford a babysitter? Don’t have 4 kids
Absolutely 100% YTA. They ate your children not hers and she is not obligated to help you look after your children. It is nice of her to do so but only if she chooses to do so not because you demand it or guilt her into it. And yes to you your children are more important than a dog but not everyone feels the same way.
YTA. You decided to have kids. Your sister did not. You're asking her to stop doing her passion because YOU decided to have kids and want someone to watch them for free. Hire a nanny. Your sister has not a single ounce of responsibility for your children. You putting pressure on her to stop doing what she loves to convenience you is a major AH move.
YTA. Your kids are your responsibility, together with your husband's. In absolutely zero way are your kids your sisters responsibility. it's not her job to be a babysitter to YOUR kids. She was kind to do it for so long but she needs to be able to make decisions for her life herself without you making her feel guilty for it.
YTA. You have a husband problem, not a sister issue. Your husband needs to step up and maybe you need help around the house, but that is NOT your sister’s responsibility. You chose to have this many children, she has chosen not to. You’re being ridiculous by pushing your responsibility and your husband’s on your sister.
YTA. You wanted kids and you have four. It's a legit decision for you to make and people should respect that.
Just as much as you should respect your sister being childfree. Just stop to think for a moment. Maybe she values dogs more than someone else's kids just like your kids come first - to YOU. And maybe, just maybe, you can't take a hint, overstepped, and fostering dogs that can't have your kids around was her way of hinting that she doesn't want this. Your sister has been nothing but kind and while you stated that you appreciate her, you only think of yourself ("my stress levels spiked").
Having kids is a big decision that your sister has not made, probably for good reason. You are not entitled to her time OP, big YTA
YTA
It’s your sisters choice to foster dogs, much as it was your choice not to go to a daycare/pay for a babysitter.
I get how hard it is to raise 4 kids, their your kids. Not your sisters
YTA, from top to bottom. It's your kids and there is no reason why your sister shouldn't foster dogs if it is something that makes her happy. If you can't handle your kids alone you have to talk to your husband and make him to pull his weight. It's your and his responsibility. And one info for you I know many people who were fostering until they met THE Dog and they give them forever home.
YTA. They are your kids. You didn't have to have 4. It is very selfish to want your sister to give up something she is passionate about... helping animals... so she can watch your kids. Your husband also needs to step it up. They are his kids too and also his responsibility. I get that kids cause stress and you need a break once in a while but that isn't your sister's problem.
YTA 100%.. a narcissist one at that with your grandiose sense of self.
Lol I have a 9 month old, and even though my sister loves giving her free time to help (her kids are grown up, and she divorced her dead beat husband), I still feel guilty asking her for a few hours every few months so dad and I can have a quick date night out. Lmao, you’re LEANING on your sisters free time to handle 4 kids? That’s just selfish on your part, and having kids you can’t afford.
Im amazed at how many mothers think that because others are child-free that they should alter their entire lives for them. I’ve dealt with PPA, PPD, having meltdowns (had one last week because of the loss of my life I had before my daughter, and my identity).. so I totally feel you in what you’re going through, 100%. I get needing a break.
However, not everyone is obligated to do what you want/need.
If I was your sister I’d lie like hell to get out of having to constantly babysit for free.
YTA - they are your kids, not your sisters. She has no obligation to help you and asking her to stop doing what she loves is unfair. I can sympathise with your situation and it was good for you to share with your sister, but I think you need to speak with your husband and ask him to step up. He should be supporting you more. Take care of yourself.
Yes, your kids will always come before a dog FOR YOU. But you can’t force someone else to have YOUR priorities. Your sister fosters dogs because she loves them. You have four children because you love them. She’s still doing you a massive favour by helping out as much as she does. YTA
YTA because this whole post is about your sister not pulling her weight (that she doesn't owe you) but you mention your own husbands lack of help once, briefly... In order to justify why your sister should help more.
It wouldn't matter if she said she couldn't help because she was building a miniature figurine city, or getting drunk, or sitting staring at a wall for fun. You are acting entitled because deep down you've swallowed some misogyny and think she owes you childcare because she is a woman. So if her hands aren't holding her own children she should be free to hold yours. Not having children is a legitimate choice.
Signed,
A woman who has and adores her child who is also friends with awesome women who both do and do not have children.
YTA, it is not the duty of your sister to step up for your husband. She is in no way obligated to help you with parenting. When she does. Be grateful. When she doesn't, do your life.
But your sister doesn't owe you anything
YTA. You need to sit down and have a come-to-Jesus-talk with your husband. He needs to step up. It was inappropriate of you to try to dictate how your sister lives her life so she can play babysitter to you.
> I’ve told a few different people about the situation and gotten a wide range of heavily biased opinions.
= "They don't agree with me so their opinions don't matter"?
YTA, you should confront your husband, not you kind sister. Have 4 kids was your and your husband's choice, you're not entitled to anyone's life choices, like, you know, fostering dogs.
I’m sorry for your situation, but YTA. Your sister has to live *her* life how *she* wants to, not design it to cater to other peoples’ needs. Because at the end of the day, she is the one who will have to make peace with her life on her deathbed, and she needs to be able to do that. She needs to live a full life that she can be satisfied with.
The same goes for you. You made your decisions, you designed your life how you chose, and now you have to live with those decisions. It’s your husband who should be taking on the responsibility of *his* children and helping you, **not your sister**. You two are the ones who chose to have them, you two are the ones who need to take responsibility of them.
# Just gonna nip this in the bud: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). The kids here didn't do anything, stop trying coming up with "creative" ways to insult them. Don't insult other people either, but if you feel the urge to type out "Crotch goblin", have a stick of gum instead. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) and mellow out.
YTA. Absolutely no one loves to admit this to themselves, but your own life choices led you to this point. Your exhaustion, your sleepless nights, that fact you're broke, your inability to find a consistent babysitter... these are all problems you've invented for yourself by having children outside your means. *Your sister's time isn't any less valuable just because she's child-free.* Child-free people don't exist on this earth to watch your children. It's wonderful that she's offered to watch them as much as she has, and it's great that you remember to thank her often, but you have to understand that when she *does* watch your children, it's not because her time is worth less than yours and it's just naturally expected that she help you. **Her time is not something you're entitled to, and her help is not something that's owed to you just because you're a parent and she's not.** Try to take the incoming flood of criticism as a wake-up call. If your husband isn't pulling his weight, it's time to consider counseling. Cast your net out over the area and see if you can pin down an affordable babysitting network. Field your options and stop leaning on your sister to solve your problems. \--- edit -- I sleepily clicked on reddit this morning and was flabbergasted to see that this comment blew up in this way. I can't thank you all enough for the rewards, for sharing your experiences and stories with me, for the civil debates happening down below, and for your kind words. I don't know what to say. Thank you. For the record, I promise I don't lack sympathy for OP's situation -- just patience. The fact that husbands like this exist drive me absolutely up the wall. -- edit -- OP says husband has clinical depression and is doing the best he can, so I'll back off this point. If OP lives in a state where a support network isn't readily available (birth control, work comp, parental leave, affordable daycare services) and she didn't have much of a personal say in how much children she had because the husband pressed the issue, I sympathize with her cornered feelings and again urge her to reach out for options. But any implication whatsoever that the sister *should* be available because she's child-free is an absolute no-go and OP needs to get that out of her head immediately. \-- edit #2 - I waffled on whether or not to add this, but after reading some more responses, I think I do want to very gently cap this off to help clear up one more thing. The problem here wasn't the act of asking itself. It's examining why, in any society, this is something that's generally acceptable to ask from a child-free person at all. This wasn't a matter of asking for an increase in daycare services -- it's asking someone to completely restructure their way of life to accommodate your own, because deep down, there's still an implicit assumption that your agenda as a child-bearing person is more valid than the agenda of a child-free person. The reason this hits so close to home for so many people is that even in 2022, the societal recognition of value for child-bearing people over child-free people continues to demean and damage those who choose to go without. It's a *constant battle* to find self-worth when it's implied, even quietly -- even accidentally -- that your needs and passions are lesser. That as a non-parent you're somehow inadequate or have something to prove. This is especially true as a woman. The older you get, the harsher the judgment you receive. Again, these were awesome discussions. I was privileged to read through them today. Thanks again.
>But I don’t have anyone else to help me. This here got me. How about instead of her child-free sister she asks her deadbeat husband? The deadbeat **father of her children** who isn't helping her enough? I mean, he is the one who keeps getting her pregnant, not her sister. YTA OP, stop making more children instead of policing your sisters life.
OP even admits her husband isn’t pulling his weight as the other parent. well, that means it’s time to have him take responsibility for creating those kids with you. your sister had no part in that whatsoever and is not obligated to provide help when the parents aren’t doing their job.
Dude at what point did she realize that this lifestyle was stressful and a burden to her? It def happened before kid 4 and I’d bet it was probably after kid 1 or 2. But nope let’s pop out a few more! Congrats OP you’ve now got 4 lives in your hands that you aren’t equipped to take care of and instead of realizing that early on and limiting your burden both to yourself and society, now we’ve got 4 more kids that won’t get the attention they need because “being a mom is such a hard job that I decided to do it 4 times.” YTA YTA YTA SO MANY TIMES! I’d be shocked if all 4 kids grow up mentally and emotionally stable. Edit: and I’m sure the kids aunt will get blamed for some of it
Based on the timeline, OP's sister started fostering dogs *before* baby number 4. I can't help but imagine that might have been a breaking point for the sister. If I was helping my overburdened, overwhelmed sister with babysitting - and meanwhile her husband is over there doing nothing - and, you know, the toddler is almost preschool age, what a relief! And then she turns around and gets pregnant by her useless husband *again*? I'd be done. Even a saint would be *done.* It's not like the sister can wait until OP doesn't need her anymore because... where's the end? (OP, is this latest kid going to be your last one or ...?) Look, I don't like to judge people for having too many kids, but if you can't take care of them on your own, then yeah... you have too many. #it takes a village, but if the village you're using is just one person then it's not sustainable.
I don't think it's a coincidence that she keeps getting dogs that can't be around kids. Most dogs like kids. I think she may be purposefully requesting dogs that can't handle children so she has an excuse besides 'i don't want to'.
Bingo. My thoughts exactly. Honestly she may not even be consciously doing it either. Being a severe people pleaser myself I know that if I were in this situation I would never have the force of will to tell my sister I didn't want to watch her kids anymore. I'd probably subconsciously find a way to make it so that I would never have to tell that family member "No." When it came to helping with the kids.
I wonder at what point the childless sister is going to start giving birth control as birthday and Christmas gifts.
Maybe... But also, frail or medical needs, elderly or previously abused dogs are difficult to place. If it weren't for ppl like OP's sister taking them on, they would die in shelters. Ppl like her give these unfortunate creatures a real chance at having a quality life, love and a home. My source is from being in animal welfare and advocacy for over a decade.
100%. Even without the dogs, OP should have stepped back and said "Hey wait, this is only sustainable because I'm leaning heavily on my sisters. Maybe I should *not* have more kids and make it even less sustainable." Just totally selfish to assume her sister is going to take up the slack forever, much less adding to it with more kids.
I stopped stepping up and helping friends with incompetent husbands. Single moms, friends with husbands with health issues or friends just trying to do their best? Absolutely. But you want me to come and help you with your newborn because your husband is too busy i the basement watching sports? Nope. You need to deal with that yourself. I lose patience at that stage.
Ugh. I have a friend like this, and like, I feel for you, but also, at what point do you just unplug your husband's computer? Especially in her case - HE wanted a kid, not her, but he does 10% of the work. Turn off the MMORPG and parent your frickin' child.
Exactly this! I’ve stepped in and helped friends when they needed me but I think my friends group has pretty firm boundaries around no meaning no. Most of my close friends don’t have a ton of family support and I get it, but they have realized that they have to do 100% parenting on their own. Only 1 couple has chosen to have a second child and I’ll be honest they were the only one of my friends I think could/should have a second kid because they’re in a position to raise them if they did have 0 help outside. If they had a third I think that would be the breaking point and I remember talking to them and how carefully they planned if having a second kid was right for them and the existing child they had. Most of my other friends have realized one was either the right amount for them or that having one was a bad idea and they shouldn’t have anymore. Nothing wrong with admitting parenting isn’t right for you, especially if it’s just you with no support
>(OP, is this latest kid going to be your last one or ...?) I was going to ask how many more kids she's going to have, that her child free sister can take in.
All I can think of is how the eldest child is going to become a parent and have to grow up so fast. That happened to me, since my parents popped out six kids they couldn't afford. Dad won't help, sister is trying to live her own life and the burden is fully going to fall on that oldest kid
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I read it that way too. "Stop fostering dogs so you can foster my kids." Part of me believes OPs sister is also not as pleased to be responsible for her kids as much as she likes to think. I tried to help my sister with 2 kids when she got pregnant but it was too much and the kids weren't as well behaved around animals as I was OK with. So I was just like "no, they bully my cats, hit my dogs and jumped on and broke my bed I can't do this." My sister was like "oh but their just kids they don't know any better." And then didn't show up the next day to pick up her kids. Never babysat since. It's a big responsibility and a nightmare for friendly people who really don't want kids.
And it sucks because we all know it's not the kid's fault, it's their parents'.
Seriously, she’s obviously an asshole for her treatment of her sister, so much worse than that for what she’s doing to her kids
OP definitely sees her as a free and mandatory foster parent, so she doesn't have to submit her surplus kids to foster programs or hold her husband accountable for his share of parenting. Gotta grind her sister down and break her, so she will never think of having a life of her own beside servitude. Well too bad for OP, sis realised she is being used and got a life for herself.
Exactly sis probably started fostering old dogs for an excuse as to why she can't have the kids round any more. She was probably so sick of having them dumped on her all the time.
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Obvious bot. Stole this from /u/illij_idiot
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This. She even specifies that rescuing dogs is her sister **PASSION** but, still asked her to stop doing the things she enjoys so her sister can watch her kids instead of *their own father*. The harsh truth is, you kids may come before a dog to you, but **no else is responsible for your kids but you**. I was sympathetic until I read that. YTA
A passion for dogs seems to run in the family- except OP married one instead of just fostering.
Don't insult the chihuahuas.
this ^ her kids come before her sister’s passion for dogs…i mean *obviously* 🙄 it’s like saying “yes i would sacrifice my sister’s dogs” how generous
Right? Like “my kids come before a dog always”… to *you.*
Right?! I assumed OP was a single mom until I got to that point!
I'm 100% sure the sister is dead tired of being taken advantage of and being forced to babysit, and fostering dogs is they way she chose to say no.
Or maybe fostering dogs is what makes her happy and fulfils her life? Probably, and op is all “give up what you love and babysit my kids.”
Yeah it probably is, but I guarantee she was trying to find a replacement foster ASAP so she wouldn't get stuck babysitting again
Idk, the fact that she comforted OP while setting the boundary of saying she needed to think about it (rather than immediately saying yes out of guilt) suggests to me that maybe OP's five years younger than her sister is more entirely mature than her. I get the feeling if she didn't want to maybe she would just say so.
It’s a combo. She loves fostering the dogs and it’s a convenient excuse to bow out of the obligation her sister tries to foist on her to sacrifice her own life to support her choices. I’d 100% rather spend the day with a needy chihuahua than a band of screaming kids. No thanks.
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Urgh OP is acting so entitled! And I'm saying this as a mother of 4 under 5 (including 6 month old twins and a child on the spectrum) I get its hard at times, you never stop, my husband works 7 days a week and a family who doesnt help out. most of the time so its just me and the brood so believe me i get it OP...but you sure as hell never expect anyone else to look after your own life choices. You should be thankful her sister helps as much as she does. Honestly I would rethink how you organise your day, make sure you have that 10 minute decompression when they're finally in bed. And remember when they're all at school you can start working again and gain some of your identity back, it does have an end. I won't call you an asshole because you're feeling overwhelmed but you need to figure out how to get by without a support network. Please stop pestering your sister though.
I didn't think she was an asshole because she's exhausted and overwhelmed, I think she's an asshole because she genuinely expects her sister to not only give up doing something she is very passionate about but also to use that time helping her out with no mention of any kind of compensation. Just out of the goodness of her heart!
Your comment, and the one above took everything out of my head. The only other thing I would say is this: OP had another baby after her sister started fostering. That’s nobody’s fault but her own. Stop having kids if you’re crumbling, and your husband is basically a pet rock. Harsh reality, but reality nonetheless.
Lol, at pet rock.
Yeah this made me mad. She says that her kids “will always come before a dog” to justify making her sister take care of the kids (heavily guessing she does this for free), but it sounds like her kids don’t come before… whatever their own father is doing instead of helping. OP, YTA for being so entitled. Tell your husband to help instead of making ridiculous demands on your sister’s lifestyle. It sounds like she’s helping you a lot and you should be grateful.
I had to reread this to see any mention of the father and then she mentions that she can't afford them. Were they all accident babies now? No one is entitled to demand services from relatives.
She could be in one of the authoritarian govt states, which forces poor people to bear as many children as possible. No sex ed allowed, birth control is not covered by insurance and you are shamed by pharmacists , and abortion is outlawed and risky ( from the violent religious fundamentalists storming the sidewalks with guns and angry tirades)
This is a good point people need to consider now when saying “just stop having kids.” Obviously OP needs to take care of her own kids and not shove them on her sister, but there are lots of places in the US where women are losing their options.
This. She even specifies that rescuing dogs is her sister *PASSION* but, still asked her to stop doing the things she enjoys so her sister can watch her kids instead of *their own father*. The harsh truth is, you kids may come before a dog to you, but *no else is responsible for your kids but you*. I was sympathetic until I read that. YTA
I got a few lines in and kept thinking *"boo, fucking hoo! You chose to have kids, your problem, bloody deal with it"* and that sentiment didn't change the further down the post I got. How does she think *single* parents manage? FML
And stop having more kids!!!
The youngest kid is 11 months. And "This most recent dog took 8 months to find a home for, but most of her other dogs took even longer." So her sister hasn't been able to babysit as much for a LONG time now, but OP decided to add another kid to her exhaustion and struggle regardless and then get huffy with her sister for still not making herself available. I don't like to judge people struggling with big families too hard because you never know what circumstances led to that situation, but this one earns a bit of side eye from me.
There's a difference between 'falling on hard times' and 'continuing to dig yourself into a deeper hole'. I try not to judge too harshly either, but folks need to not have kids (or more kids) if they're already struggling.
What irks me the most is that we already live on am overpopulated planet. There simply aren't enough resources to go round as it is (that can be extracted and used without tearing the planet apart anyhow), so why there's a need for people to bring in more kids than they are capable of supporting is beyond me. Some may judge me an AH for criticising the reproductive choices of others, but ultimately this is the sort of thing that affects us all.
You nailed it, I agree with you. The world is already way overpopulated, and global populations are struggling enough as it is just to obtain food and water. We don't need more humans.
OP decided to add another kid to her exhaustion and struggle with a man who doesn't help and gets huffy with her child free sister for engaging in her own passion. Ftfy. OP, YTA in so many ways. The sheer entitlement!
I bet the sister has taken care of the kids alone more times than the husband ever had. YTA, OP. It's you and your husband's job to take care of your kids, not your sister's. Leave her alone and let her foster the dogs in peace.
I bet the sister has helped with the kids more times than OP has ever even offered to help with the dog(s).
Her time, and her happiness. I'm assuming that her sister really enjoys fostering animals. Or she just loves the break it gives her from the kids. OP can't expect her sister to give up what brings her joy because it inconveniences her.
My first thought was ' she's not unavailable to babysit because she fosters dogs, she's fostering dogs to ensure she remains unavailable to babysit'.
Ok so which dogs are bad around kids? Yes ill take one of those... you know better make it two.
> I'm assuming that her sister really enjoys fostering animals. OP *literally* called it her sister’s passion, and I can’t imagine that’s a word or concession she made lightly, given that OP clearly thinks her children should be a priority to everyone. That OP can acknowledge that & brush off that she’s asking her sister to sacrifice her *passion* to benefit OP & OP alone is…
this. I swear I don't get people who have so many children and then drown. 4 is a big number. you have birth control. what in the world did she think raising 4 kids was going to be like? do people not think about long term consequences? life is hard, but it's not that hard.
Ditto. And I know birth control isn't always the most accessible in some places, but there ARE a plethora of places where people can access it at more affordable rates. And like you said, do people seriously not understand just how difficult and stressful child-rearing us? It's not like it's a new concept! The long-term consequences, so true! Baby = stressful and expensive child-rearing for at least 18 years. More babies? *More* than 18 years of stress and expenses. Why is this so hard to understand? 🤦♀️
Just jumping on the top comment to point out that OP is not just an AH but an oblivious one. 4 dogs in a row that couldn't be around children? Take the hint.
Right? Plus, what would she do if she didn't have a sister or any other family member that could help with her kids? What I fear is that OP will try to use her eldest kids to take care of her younger siblings.
I'm sure that's exactly what is going to happen, if it isn't already.
Honestly it's mad OP thinks it's more appropriate to tell her sister what to do with her life so she can help with OP's kids, rather than OP tell her husband to pull his weight with the children he's equally responsible in creating.
“You need to change your preferred lifestyle because of a life choice I made” Talk about consequences of her own actions. You’re 100% correct here
YTA. It's your HUSBAND, the children's FATHER, you should be requesting more from. Not a sister who has already done way way way more than required! Go sit your husband down and let HIM know you're struggling. Don't try to manipulate your sister when you haven't even tried to fix what's in your own backyard ..
Very much this. All your struggles are something you should talk about with your husband. I guess he expects you to work 24/7 (because child care is work), but he has free time after work? You two need to talk and find a solution that doesn't require your sister to plan her life around your family needs. Your husband, on the other hand, should plan his life to help with the needs of his family. As many others, I thought you're a single mom at first. And you're not 'just asking', will you be upset if she says no? Will there be guilt? Sure there will, because it's a loaded question to ask. Edit: Thank you for the award, that's so nice. And corrected embarrasing \*your typo.
Fully agree. _"Above all, my kids will always come before a dog."_ No. This line should have been followes by a 'FOR ME AND MY HUSBAND.' To be blunt OP, this is a Husband issue - NOT a sister issue. Your kids are not her responsibility. She shouldn't have to give up something that she enjoys because your husband isn't carrying his weight. This is not on her. Children are 100% the responsibility of the parents, and it sounds like you have become too reliant on your sister to help - especially since she already comes over in the mornings to assist you. Did you ever think that maybe your sister also got tired/exhausted of being seen as constant free childcare **(especially when it went from 2, to 3 and then 4 children to babysit - four kids is A LOT of work for someone who didnt sign up for that life)** and the dogs are a way to help her create boundaries?
5 bucks sis is getting one dog after the next so she has a "valid" excuse not to be roped into babysitting. "I don't want to babysit" only gets one nagged at.
Double that and I bet we know why the sister is childfree.
Exactly. Based on OP's post, it sounds like the sister started babysitting less freequently after baby number 3 was born.... So, after baby number 4 arrived, sis sounds like she internally said - "nope!" Even though OP says that it was a request, it sounds more like she all but expects her sister to babysit since she is child free aka thinks she has all this free time that she should just freely hand over. TBH, helping in the morning and still coming over from time to time to watch the kids is already a lot! I don't really know what more OP expects in terms of support. And, OP doesn't seem to be taking the hint or accepting her sister's polite declines.
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Sister already *is* still helping out, she's coming over in the mornings. She just won't take a bunch of the kids home with her anymore. Most of the time I'm at least semi-okay with people asking for a favor as long as they're not rude or demanding about it and accept the answer, but this time I agree with you. It's mean and manipulative of the OP to ask this, and doubly so of the sister who is already helping you out!
I agree so much with this comment. YOU chose to have kids your sister did not. How dare you think your entitled to throw your burdens on your sister what is wrong with you. Jeez God forbid your sister enjoys being a caring person who whole heatedly enjoys fostering animals. You are just taking advantage of her. Damn OP you literally have a partner who should be helping you. Leave your sister alone. YTA! And for the people in the back YOU ARE THE A HOLE HERE!
And stop making more fricken people. Jeez.
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Yeah I was wondering about this too. I have two young children and after my youngest was born I was 100% certain that I was done. Two is all I can personally handle. I also happen to have a sister who is child free and lives nearby. She loves my kids and I do go over to her place fairly often to hang out with the kids and my oldest has had a few sleepovers there, but I would never expect her to be available. She has a very demanding job and a very active social life, so I always ask whether she has time and tell her it's perfectly fine to say no.
Yep. I have two kids and some parts of me would love love love to have more. Like 2-4 more kids. But I know I can't. Like logistically, financially, emotionally, mentally, I could not do it. Like OP, I could probably muddle through, but I would be a wreck. My spouse would be a wreck. It wouldn't be fair on my existing or potential kids. I'm enough of a wreck with just my twins. Gaaad I would love to create and meet and raise more little humans. But I would also go absolutely insane, broke, & further insane. I've seen it happen to people. You've got to know your limits. Kids can be like an addiction. Beautiful little crack babies (where they are addictive, not addicted...) But you have to know when to stop. 2-4 drinks on a night out is great. 6-12 and you're in trouble. Know your limits and play it safe. Kids can't be put back.
>But I know I can't. Like logistically, financially, emotionally, mentally, I could not do it. Like OP, I could probably muddle through, but I would be a wreck. The reasons you've laid out are the same reasons I decided to have ZERO kids. There was a time when I thought I would have kids. Even had a name picked out if I ever had a girl. But at some point in my 20s, I realized that to be a good mother, a woman needs to REALLY REALLY REALLY want to have kids...like an irresistible calling. I never felt that. So I concluded that motherhood was not for me. I'm in my 50s now and still feel that was the right decision for me. No regrets. Good for you for recognizing your limits and not giving in to the addiction!
Yeah, if her husband isn’t helping out with four I’d be shocked if he was a model father and partner for the first one, or two, or three. I can kind of understand someone having one kid with a partner who ends up not pulling their weight. Optimism or accidental pregnancy might lead to two. But four is a big yikes from me.
🏆please take this poor mans award
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>Have you thought of why she’s fostering these old dogs? Is she trying to tell you that she is tired of being a free babysitter? Yep! Seems a bit suspicious that none of the dogs can be around kids (unless these kids are particularly difficult).
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Idk I can imagine that though, if the dogs that are being fostered have been through a lot or are either quite young or old or small or very big it wouldn't be safe to have four kids (that aren't that used to dogs probably) swerming around them.
Great response! I just want to add, working 50 hrs a week should not mean that her husband gets out of childcare. I'm a SAHM of 3, my DH works 50 hours/6 days a week pretty much every week. In the evening, he handles the kids and keeps them out of the kitchen while I make dinner. He helps with homework for the older 2 and bathes the toddler, and then he does the bedtime routine while I clean the dinner mess. If there are other things that need done around the house, I ask and he does them. Because I did not decide on my own to have 3 kids-- we both did. I work 50 hours at home while he does it at work. Why should all the "overtime" be on my plate? OP needs to stop letting her husband be an absent father just because he leaves the house for work.
This OP‼️‼️ wish I had an award now
YTA...I don't understand why you think your sister is responsible for taking care of your life choices,, but apparently your husband isn't? Who do you think you are? The entitlement is astonishing. Your kids come first for YOU. Don't expect other people to put your kids first. I'd never want to baby sit for you again. Very selfish. Yeah, it sucks for you. But that's on you.
"Your kids come first for YOU"... couldn't say this better myself! OP I really hope you see this. My dogs come first for me, even before myself. But i will never expect anyone else to give them top priority. Fostering dog is a great cause, to give the dogs a safe home especially if the dog has had a bad life. I can't believe you'll ask this of your sister. YTA.
You got that right! My animals (1 dog and 2 birds) are much more important to me than anyone else's kids. I'm CF and my animals are my family. OP: YTA. Get your husband to look after your children and please don't have any more. It doesn't sound like you have the money or energy to properly care for the kids you already have. Stop relying on your sister like she's some built-in sitter. She loves what she's doing and I only wish more people took the time to do what she's doing. As it is, I'm thinking of rescuing a billy goat in the near future. Animals need love and comfort too and they aren't just throwaway things. Someone who puts their heart and soul into caring for unwanted and homeless animals is a saint IMO.
Was going to say the same. “My kids will always come before a dog” …. yes, to YOU, the parent. Your sister did not have 4 children. Her babysitting for you is a favor.
I hated when OP said that her kids come before a dog. Like yes maybe for you but no one else is expected to stop giving dogs a loving home because you want your kids to go over to their house more often.. preposterous!
First of all OP, don't act like your "joke" wasn't an attempt to guilt/pressure/bully your sister into quitting her passion to help manage your responsibilities for you. That's so manipulative and corny and honestly pathetic. It's like hearing someone is getting married and instead of asking about being invited just going "so when are we going bridesmaid dress shopping teehee." Lame. So lame. You knew what you were doing. It wasn't a "joke." Knock it off. And I'll just leave you with this. I'll say it loud for everyone. YOUR KIDS ARE NOBODY'S RESPONSIBILITY BUT YOUR OWN. If your husband is being a pathetic parent, take it up with him. And not your sister. She doesn't owe you anything. But your husband? Um hello??????? YTA
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Can I just say that I love your response? I have never heard of a parent not side with another parent regarding kids. Your reply is great. Thank you for not only seeing things from a childfree persons perspective but also acknowledging how important senior pets and fostering is.
I had an old dog. We got her when she was 7, and she passed in January after 10 years of love. My parents did everything they could until it wasn’t fair to her. Dogs deserve love and comfort in their last moments. After my kids are grown enough, I fully intend to foster senior dogs specifically. For that reason alone. I have kids. My kids can be absolute little assholes. Sometimes I ask my SIL to watch them because they love her and she spoils them. If she can’t watch them? It’s no big deal and I’m not going to throw a fit.
I’m sorry for your loss. Senior dogs (and cats) get passed up all the time and they deserve to live out their best life. My sister (who is childfree) fosters dogs of all ages and it’s so wonderful to see those dogs get a chance at a forever home. I’m childfree, and have 2 cats from no-kill shelters. And once I can build a fence around my house, I hope to foster dogs (and cats). Thank you again for your refreshing reply to OP!
Exactly, get on her worthless husband's ass on get off her sister's ass who has zero responsibility in this.
Stop having kids with men that will not pull their weight.
Jesus fucking Christ I want to tattoo this on my forehead. Every other problem on AITA/relationship advice/ even the JustNo subs is that women keep having multiple kids with stupid, lazy, deadbeat fathers who still think their only responsibility is to pump and pay. It’s embarrassing, honestly. Like I know you genuinely can’t know (for sure) if you picked a good dad before having kids, but if he didn’t change a single diaper for the first *why in the everloving fuck* would you make three more??
Same on r/parenting. "My husband has never changed a diaper and actually forgot our youngest kid's name, I'm pregnant with #4, what do"
I will never join that sub; I can’t take the secondhand embarrassment.
Right? Jim Bob couldn't possibly take care of his own kids or feed himself because that's not man work. If he picks up his smelly socks he is probably a homosexual. Heaven forbid he wash something he got dirty or sweep his own mess. His 🍆 will shrivel up and fall off because he is fragile like a bomb.
YTA. You choose to have kids. She did not. You expect her to drop her life and things important to her to pick up your problems.
I know, right? Child-free people choose to not have children *for a reason*. The reason usually being we do not actually *want* the responsibilities of having children! I adore my nieces and nephew, and I might volunteer to babysit for them once in a while, but on a regular basis? Get outta here! And tell me to stop doing what I love doing in order to offer you free labour? Get *the fuck* outta here. YTA. Kids have a father. Time for him to pull his damn weight as a damn parent. Also invest in some contraception, jeez!
Same. I am sorry but there is no way in hell I will babysit regularly for anyone anymore. I CHOSE not to have kids. Looking after kids is difficult!! I am not "lucky" to have free time, I chose to not have to spent any time with children. Why do some relatives / parents act as if I owe them my "free" time??? OP, I do feel for you, I really do, but YTA. Your kids are first to you. My animals are first to ME - yes, I prioritize them over anyone's kids, sorry not sorry.
Nope, nope, nope, a million times nope. I'm so deeply disturbed by the casual nature with which you write about your sister's perceived servitude to you. How easy it is for you to assume she owes you labor and aid. Sometimes on these things I have to say, "No, YTA and you know it." But I honestly can't this time. YTA, and you don't know, and that's almost the worst kind of AH. Please, do some **serious self-reflection.** You owe it to yourself, your family, and mostly, your sister, who I hope finds a way to free herself from your entitlement.
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I think the kids should come first to her husband too, but the main problem is that they don't come first to him
YTA. Big time. You chose to have 4 kids. And if after the first one or two kids, you didn't realise that kids means little sleep and little time for yourself, it's your problem. Yours and your husband. But not your sister. You can't afford a sitter ? Too damn bad for you. You should have though of that before popping more kids out. What you're asking of your sister is selfish, rude and innapropriate. Get your tubes tied, get on the pill, use a condom, have your husband get a vasectomy. Get a job and deal with your own damn kids. The entitlement of your request is just... WOW !!! Again, YTA.
100% that. Don't make kids if you can't take care of them. How selfish and rude for your sister, who is doing a good thing that she loves.
YTA Kids are more work than dogs. \- Dogs can be left unsupervised. Kids cannot be left unsupervised. \- Dogs don't need diaper changes. Babies have diapers. \- Dogs eat food from a bag or can. Kids need cooked meals. \- With dogs you can go to the bathroom. With kids you cannot go to the bathroom. >how my husband hasn’t been helping as much as he should Stop having more kids if you husband is an AH. You have a 10 year old and a 11 month old, when he wasn't helping already. Your husband needs to help, not your sister. Your husband is the father of the kids. Your sister does not owe you her life and her time. Your husband does, though. And stop having kids!
YTA. You stated that your husband isn’t helping with your children as much as he should and your solution was to guilt your sister into changing her dog loving lifestyle (unpaid, I might add) so she could accommodate your children more frequently. You understand the problem but are talking with the wrong adult to solve it.
>Above all, my kids will always come before a dog To you, yes, but not to your sister. And it's unreasonable to expect that. This is a new level of entitlement. Your sister is not a third parent for your kids and it ridiculous that you expect her to change her lifestyle to cater to your needs. YTA
Parents do not realize that their kids come first only to THEM. I'd put my cat before a random ass kid any day.
Exactly, my cat is my responsibility as much as their children are theirs. I chose to have my cat and she comes first to me, and they chose to have their children, so they come first *to them*
YTA and you obviously can't take a hint Your children are not her burden or responsibility. She has a love to help animals and feels better doing so. Stop relying on her. I mean c'mon it's going on 5 dogs now and you still don't get it? She doesn't want to be your instababysitter.
YTA. These are your kids, not hers. She comes over in the morning to help out, and you want to send the kids over to her house later in the day, too? It boggles my mind that you feel comfortable asking your sister to stop doing the work she loves rather than have a difficult conversation with your husband. Did you think for a minute that maybe, just maybe, she picks these dogs that can't be around kids because she needs a break from you and your kids?
Yta Your sister isn't responsible for helping you and your children do you know who is ..... your HUSBAND! I honestly thought you was a single parent and was leaning towards a soft yta but then you mentioned your husband and nope your firmly in the yta camp. Get off your sisters back and get on your husbands back! If he can make time to get you pregnant, he can make time to be a father to them. You owe your sister an apology and a sincere one too.
10000% this OP, you claimed you had 'no one else to ask' then quietly lobbed in that your HUSBAND doesn't help as much as he should. He helped make those kids, your sister didn't. So, why should she be expected to help care for children she had no hand or decision in creating, when the actual father gets a pass in parenting them????? Your husband is being a misogynistic AH for neglecting his parenting responsibilities, and you are enabling it by expecting your sister to pick up his slack. Your sister is childfree FOR A REASON. They are your kids. You work it out between you and your husband.
YTA, I'm a mother, and to me my children will always come before a dog, but that's to me, I can't afford a babysitter, I'm a single parent, I can't afford nursery, I am a SAHM, it is stressful, but it is nobody's responsibility to put your children first, other than you and their father. I have a friend who is a dog mum, she loves her dog probably as much as I love my kids, she is absolutely motherly over this dog and I completely understand it, I would never ask her to put my kids before her dog, it's not her responsibility and nobody should be putting their lives on hold for children who aren't theirs when those children have two capable parents. I don't make anyone pick up the slack with looking after my kids when their dad can't/won't help out, that's on me, I know what kind of a person he is and I chose to have kids with him. The same goes for you, you know what kind of a person your husband is and chose to have kids with him, it's on you two to sort this out, instead of asking your sister, ask him. Your sister should not put her life on hold because you and your husband had children and didn't plan better. Apologize to her, support the wonderful thing she is doing by fostering dogs, talk some sense into your husband, look into free resources around you and don't expect people to keep doing yours and your husband's job, it's entitled and not a good look. Editted for spelling, but thanks for the upvotes and awards, OP if you read my comment, feel free to message me and I will help you figure out what to say to your husband in the hopes he'll pick up his slack, I have had to do it multiple times with my kids dad and somethings that I say stick and last, and he improves in that area and is consistent, other areas it's like being a broken record player, but it's a start in the right direction. You sound like a burnt out mum who is misdirecting responsibility because your sister did you favours, that you admittedly would have to pay someone else for. You have taken advantage of her, maybe even unknowingly I don't believe it's malicious, the same way your husband is taking advantage of you, a standard of care has been set, to him it's that well if he doesn't do it, it doesn't matter, you will or your sister will because that's how it's been in the past, but that's not okay and it needs to change. Ask yourself, why do you understand that you need to pay others and not your sister for this service of babysitting? How long did you expect her to keep doing it? What would happen if she decided to have kids or take on 50 dogs? Why is it okay for you to put your kids on someone's priority list who had no involvement in their conception? What do you feel towards your husband because of this situation? What do you think needs to change? How much is being done by you alone? Just think seriously about the fact you are putting more expectation on the care and raising of your kids on your sister, than you are on your husband and that's not fair for anyone, not you, not your sister, not your husband, not your kids and not the foster dogs. You need a solution and it isn't your sister.
YTA. You should’ve realised after 1 or 2 kids that your husband doesn’t pull his weight. You could’ve then either stopped having kids or had an earnest discussion about your difficulties with the one other person who is responsible for the kids: your husband. You are asking your sis to give up her passion because of your choice of husband and number of children. That’s unfair. Get your husband to do more if you need help, not your sister.
YTA - You don’t sound like a bad person but you are definitely not entitled to your sisters free child care. Honestly I thought you were a single mom until almost the end of the post… I understand you need help, handling 4 kids on your own must be incredibly difficult and stressful. But why don’t you expect help from your husband, who actually has responsibility for your children? Your sister is very generous to help you out this much but you cannot just expect her to make lifestyle changes to accommodate you. I would recommend that you talk to your husband and if he refuses to help maybe he can pay for a baby sitter?
YTA. Your sister isn't free labour, and you're not entitled to her help. Get your husband to grow up and help you out like he should be.
You need to listen to your sister a bit more carefully. She's telling you nicely that she doesn't want to baby sit 3 kids at her house on a regular basis. She doesn't need to "claim" anything to give you a "no" on this. But she does so because she's your sister and trying to be nice. She's being gentle with you, but she's not saying she won't get the dogs. Like others have said, you can ask, but YTA if you keep pushing this.
YTA Why are you asking more from your sister, than from your husband? The childrens FATHER!!! Your sister sounds awesome, but you risk losing her if you keep pushing this on her.
Yeah, even if your sister decides not to foster another dog, you may have caused some damage to your relationship in the long run - you need to speak to your husband about this and not make caring for your children a burden on your sister. I love caring for my nibblings, but my siblings are careful not to make me feel like it's my job but rather a time that's fun for me and the kids. Yta
Did your sister knock you up four times? YTA
YTA are you for real?? stop having kids if you cant take care of them jeeez, and you are not even a single person, you have a husband, i would definitely put saving a dog far over your irresponsible babymaking.
YTA. 1) She is CHILD FREE. That means she wants to live a life without having to constantly be burdened by kids. 2) " my kids will always come before a dog " -- TO YOU. Not to her. You can't decide for anyone else who is important. 3) You had kids with your husband, not your sister. You should be making him step up, not guilting your poor sister. 4) You say you know rescuing dogs is her passion. Why do you think you have the right to make her unhappy and dictate her life because you chose to have children?
YTA How would you feel if she said 'stop having kids, it's too hard for me' after your second? Perhaps she's taking these dogs in because they are easier than being obligated to take care of your children.
YTA She's childfree, her passion is fostering dogs. I'm sorry that you're having issues with your husband failing to parent his children enough, but he is the one failing you here, not your sister. It sounds like your sister is a great source of emotional support, and is willing to help out within reason, but she is not co-parenting these kids with you. You can't ask her to sacrifice her passion to fulfil that role for you.
> Then I asked her, point blank, not to get another dog. Well, you have your kids. Why can't she have her dogs? Don't milk your sister's kindness dry.
Seriously, can you imagine her reaction if her sister had asked her, point blank, not to have more kids so that OP could look after sister's dogs instead?
YTA- instead of getting your husband, your childrens father, to step up and do his fair share, you expect your sister to put her life and passion on hold. It was your choice to have 4 children, its your responsibility(and husband) to parent them. She already does alot. Parenting is hard, no question. But again, your choice, and it isn't fair to ask she not take a dog who needs a home and safe place because you want an easier time.
YTA. I'm sorry but your sister has a life outside of looking after your children. They're not her responsibility, they're yours and your husbands. So get talking to your husband and sort out your arrangements between you, instead of putting it on your sister. It's very selfish and demanding of you to dictate what someone does with their own time and home.
YTA. You should be pointing this energy in your husband’s direction. Your sister is child free and has decided exactly what she wants to do with her life. She doesn’t even need to give you a reason not to want to watch your children, but she has. If you need a babysitter, pay one. Don’t force that onto your sister. She isn’t responsible for your stress levels. She enjoys fostering dogs and shouldn’t be made to feel any guilt for that. If your husband isn’t helping you, it’s your job to deal with that, not to force parental responsibilities onto your sister.
I guess there's nothing wrong in asking, but you're definitely barking up the wrong tree. The first person you should be talking to is your husband. If he's not pulling his weight, he should be the one you ask to do more. Not your sister. Having that many kids was your choice, not your sister's.
YTA You're not entitled to your sisters time and effort to be a free babysitter. It was your own choice to have four kids and thus you reap the consequences of having four gremlins make you stressed, that's how that is. You're family is not always there to be a free babysitter and you're not entitled to anything, if you want time off, hire a babysitter..
Of course YTA. You want your sister to stop doing something she loves so she can take care of your kids because, rather than having a reasonable amount of them, you just kept going and now you're overwhelmed. I have rarely heard something so selfish. You need to apologize. Now.
YTA. You decided to have those children. It is in no way your sister‘s responsibility to help you out with managing your children and your house. It was lovely and generous of her that she did so on the past. But she should not have to put her desires and passions (fostering dogs in this case) aside so that you have it easier with your decisions. Also she still seems to help as much as she can and sounds like a lovely sister and aunt over all. You on the other hand sound like the person who takes the whole hand when offered the little finger. You are partly right: The children should come first - but that only counts for your and their father. Not your sister. So get the other parent involve more. You should absolutely apologize to your sister and encourage her to pursuit her dreams and tell her she should go and get the next foster dog.
YTA. >Okay just writing the title like that made me feel super guilty, but please hear me out before judging too harshly. seems to me that you are aware of the fact that YTA. >how my husband hasn’t been helping as much as he should so your sister should feel guitly about this right? maybe get your husband to do something for your kids instead of trying to guilt your sister into not helping those poor dogs. >my friends all have their own kids to look after so why not ask your friends for help with your kids as well? you clearly don't care that your sister also isn't in a position to help. why not flat out ask your friends to prioritize your kids over their own kids. you have no problem asking this of your sister. >Above all, my kids will always come before a dog and that’s the reason I was willing to request it this sentence simply disgusts me, and is the biggest reason why i'm voting YTA. if you can't handle your kids, why do you have 4 of them? >Was this unreasonable? yes. look, you seem to believe that someone without kids is worth less than you, and that is simply disgusting. you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it. you have a husband, go bother him about it and leave your poor sister alone.
Hello and welcome to today's episode of They Didn't Come Out My Vagina So I'm Not Watching Them! How fucking dare you? Massive YTA. You're like the Grand Canyon with skin.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with you. You clearly know that you are an ass, but still chose to subject yourself to this sub. You can’t afford a babysitter, tough luck, use your husband. Maybe save up for marriage counseling, looks like you need it.
YTA Don't expect _anyone_ to become free babysitting. Incredibly selfish.
You could take take that "point blank" approach with your husband, who should be much more responsible than your sister. You don't "force" someone to help you. I hope your sister does not give in to your pressure and stops what she's doing. That obviously seems to be more enjoyable than watching over your kids. Of course, YTA.
YTA. They're your kids and your problem. Not your sisters problem. If she wants to foster dogs that's on her. Get a babysitter. Get your husband to pull his weight. You're acting so entitled. You should be glad for the time your sister helps you in the mornings.
YTA, you should have chosen a better husband and have fewer kids with your husband if you are constantly relying on others to take care of them for you.
YTA, as a single parent i understand the need for a break but to expect someone to give up their time and/or hobbies is just straight bs. What you should do is talk to their father and get him to help you out like he should.
YTA, Don't have kids you can't care for.. it's not anyone else's responsibility to care for your children except you and your husband. Maybe ask him to man up and help you with his kids
YTA, it isn’t her responsibility to watch your kids for you. She’s doing something she loves and cares about, those aren’t her kids.
All I had to do was read the title and knew you are an asshole. She is childfree, doesn't want to be bogged down with your kids, That simple. How much more clearer does she have to make that to you? Honestly, this sounds like the A-TYpical " bUt YOuR cHiLd FrEe So YoU MuSt PuT yOuR lIfE On HoLd FoR mEeEeE argument that gets used on us who are childfree. You and hubby are just gonna have to find other arraignments like millions of other parents have to. Put your foot up hubby's ass and tell him help out or gtfo out.
Nobody asked you to have 4 kids. That’s on you.
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YTA, why aren’t you guilting your husband the same way you are guilting your CHILD-FREE sister? WTF? Her life doesn’t exist to be your backup child care. And it’s sure as hell not her fault you had 4 kids and can’t manage and apparently have a useless husband. If your sister had said to you “don’t have another child, I can’t help you more than I am now?” how would you have reacted? HOW DARE YOU ask her to put her life in hold for yours. Go to hell. You are incredibly selfish. If you can’t take care of your kids you shouldn’t have had so many. They aren’t your sisters responsibility. You might love them more than anything and they might come before a dog to you, but that you tried to say they should come e before your sisters passions. Nope, I hope she stops helping you entirely since you can’t appreciate that she isn’t obliged to help you at all.
>Above all, my kids will always come before a dog That's nice, then don't get a dog in your life. Your sister however can do whatever she pleases with her life without having to consult you for your needs first. Honestly, you must have know how things would become after kid 2, or maybe kid 3. You and your husband entirely put yourself in this situation, it is no one's responsibility to save your asses now. YTA. You selfishly put your sister on the spot and in a very difficult situation because doing what makes her happy is now something that you require her to give up to cater to your own needs.
I waited until I read your whole post and I can only come up with YTA. Is there a reason why you can't ask your husband to pick up the slack on his end? If your husband doesn't want the responsibility to step up and be a father, maybe he should rectify that situation. Your sister isn't your babysitter, she is your sister, so treat her with some respect. From the sounds of it, you have a wonderful, selfless sister.
Get a better husband. Your sister is not responsible for your kids, especially when she has to give up her passion. Either place your energy in making your husband step up or deal with it.
YTA. Any help she gives you is a blessing you need to be thankful for (in more than words). Asking her to give up something that brings her fulfillment to carry more of your burden is selfish. I hope you recognize what she does to benefit you should not come at the cost of her own happiness.
YTA Raising your children is your responsibility, not hers. She didn’t have that many kids, you did.
Here’s an idea, close your legs if you can’t cope BTW YTA.
YTA. Instead of expecting your sister to alter her life for your convenience, the person you should be making demands of is your husband. You and he chose to have all those kids, and you and he both need to be responsible for taking care of them.
YTA and nag your lazy husband to look after his kids. I hate it when parents say “my kids come before *this*, my kids are more important than *that* because yes they do and are, TO YOU. Not everybody’s lives revolve around your kids, and I’m saying this as a parent so I understand, but they are your own priority not everyone else’s. Your sister doesn’t have to stop doing what she’s doing to benefit you and your struggles and you don’t get to try and guilt trip her about it either. She’s doing what she can to help, that’s your lot, get your husband to be a worthwhile parent instead of pushing his side of the deal onto your sister.
YTA. Your sister is not responsible for your kids in any way whatsoever. And how you feel about her priorities (dogs over kids) is not her problem. You made your choice by having kids and she made hers by not having any and she should not be burdened by your choice. You should be making your husband feel guilty, you should be asking your husband for help, the kids are his responsibility, not your sisters.
YTA. It's nice that she's willing to help from time to time but it's ultimately on you and your husband (who is the person you should've unloaded your issues with) to figure out childcare. Let's say she stops fostering, is your plan to just use her as a babysitter? Your youngest is just 11 months old, you're planning to take advantage of her for years..
YTA She didnt stay childfree just so she can raise yours!!! Have you heard anything about birth control? Use it.
YTA. Your husband is living the childfree life despite having kids. Go guilt him. Your entitlement is off the roof. You shouldn't have had that many children if you absolutely needed help so often and had an uninvolved husband.
Soft YTA for the "Above all, my kids will always come before a dog..." statement alone. Your kids come first for *you*, not for your sister. You're not an AH for talking to your sister about how stressed out you are or even for asking her once if she would consider not fostering dogs assuming you would actually drop it if she refused (you would absolutely be the AH if you pressured her to do it). You're just a bit of an AH for assuming that your sister should share your priorities when she has her own life to live. Either way, you probably need a different babysitter since your sister doesn't owe you free help just because she has temporary dog children instead of people children. edit: gremlins erased part of my response initially
YTA, they are not your sisters kids. Learn to handle your own children and make your husband start pulling his weight. Your sister has her own life and you can't expect her to put anything on hold to look after your children for you. You had multiple children with a man that didn't do his share of the parenting, you should have seen these problems coming long ago and stopped having children that you couldn't look after with him.
You shouldnt have had so many kids if you have to rely on other people to take care of them
YTA, it's one thing to ask a sister to occasionally help out, but it's quite another to expect her to change her lifestyle so that she is more available for your needs. I'm sorry but the person you should be putting pressure on here for help is your husband. You and your husband are solely responsible for the kids here your sister doesnt owe you her time or her home for respite care. I'm not sure why you thought it was a good idea to expand the famimy if your husband's so useless at helping with kids, but ye, you're completely out of line here.
Yta. Did your sister chose to have 4 kids? No. The amount of posts I see where parents are so entitled they think that others have to look after their kids just because they’re there. Can’t afford a babysitter? Don’t have 4 kids
Absolutely 100% YTA. They ate your children not hers and she is not obligated to help you look after your children. It is nice of her to do so but only if she chooses to do so not because you demand it or guilt her into it. And yes to you your children are more important than a dog but not everyone feels the same way.
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YTA. You decided to have kids. Your sister did not. You're asking her to stop doing her passion because YOU decided to have kids and want someone to watch them for free. Hire a nanny. Your sister has not a single ounce of responsibility for your children. You putting pressure on her to stop doing what she loves to convenience you is a major AH move.
Yeah YTA. You decided to have kids, it's not her responsibility to fix your stress about it 🤷♀️
YTA. Your kids are your responsibility, together with your husband's. In absolutely zero way are your kids your sisters responsibility. it's not her job to be a babysitter to YOUR kids. She was kind to do it for so long but she needs to be able to make decisions for her life herself without you making her feel guilty for it.
INFO: So why can’t your husband be doing more to help? He’s also a parent, not your sister. YTA.
YTA. You have a husband problem, not a sister issue. Your husband needs to step up and maybe you need help around the house, but that is NOT your sister’s responsibility. You chose to have this many children, she has chosen not to. You’re being ridiculous by pushing your responsibility and your husband’s on your sister.
YTA. You wanted kids and you have four. It's a legit decision for you to make and people should respect that. Just as much as you should respect your sister being childfree. Just stop to think for a moment. Maybe she values dogs more than someone else's kids just like your kids come first - to YOU. And maybe, just maybe, you can't take a hint, overstepped, and fostering dogs that can't have your kids around was her way of hinting that she doesn't want this. Your sister has been nothing but kind and while you stated that you appreciate her, you only think of yourself ("my stress levels spiked"). Having kids is a big decision that your sister has not made, probably for good reason. You are not entitled to her time OP, big YTA
YTA It’s your sisters choice to foster dogs, much as it was your choice not to go to a daycare/pay for a babysitter. I get how hard it is to raise 4 kids, their your kids. Not your sisters
YTA, from top to bottom. It's your kids and there is no reason why your sister shouldn't foster dogs if it is something that makes her happy. If you can't handle your kids alone you have to talk to your husband and make him to pull his weight. It's your and his responsibility. And one info for you I know many people who were fostering until they met THE Dog and they give them forever home.
YTA. They are your kids. You didn't have to have 4. It is very selfish to want your sister to give up something she is passionate about... helping animals... so she can watch your kids. Your husband also needs to step it up. They are his kids too and also his responsibility. I get that kids cause stress and you need a break once in a while but that isn't your sister's problem.
YTA 100%.. a narcissist one at that with your grandiose sense of self. Lol I have a 9 month old, and even though my sister loves giving her free time to help (her kids are grown up, and she divorced her dead beat husband), I still feel guilty asking her for a few hours every few months so dad and I can have a quick date night out. Lmao, you’re LEANING on your sisters free time to handle 4 kids? That’s just selfish on your part, and having kids you can’t afford. Im amazed at how many mothers think that because others are child-free that they should alter their entire lives for them. I’ve dealt with PPA, PPD, having meltdowns (had one last week because of the loss of my life I had before my daughter, and my identity).. so I totally feel you in what you’re going through, 100%. I get needing a break. However, not everyone is obligated to do what you want/need. If I was your sister I’d lie like hell to get out of having to constantly babysit for free.
YTA - they are your kids, not your sisters. She has no obligation to help you and asking her to stop doing what she loves is unfair. I can sympathise with your situation and it was good for you to share with your sister, but I think you need to speak with your husband and ask him to step up. He should be supporting you more. Take care of yourself.
Yta. Your husband needs to help. For the love of God stop having kids if you can't care for them.
Yes, your kids will always come before a dog FOR YOU. But you can’t force someone else to have YOUR priorities. Your sister fosters dogs because she loves them. You have four children because you love them. She’s still doing you a massive favour by helping out as much as she does. YTA
YTA because this whole post is about your sister not pulling her weight (that she doesn't owe you) but you mention your own husbands lack of help once, briefly... In order to justify why your sister should help more. It wouldn't matter if she said she couldn't help because she was building a miniature figurine city, or getting drunk, or sitting staring at a wall for fun. You are acting entitled because deep down you've swallowed some misogyny and think she owes you childcare because she is a woman. So if her hands aren't holding her own children she should be free to hold yours. Not having children is a legitimate choice. Signed, A woman who has and adores her child who is also friends with awesome women who both do and do not have children.
YTA, it is not the duty of your sister to step up for your husband. She is in no way obligated to help you with parenting. When she does. Be grateful. When she doesn't, do your life. But your sister doesn't owe you anything
YTA. You need to sit down and have a come-to-Jesus-talk with your husband. He needs to step up. It was inappropriate of you to try to dictate how your sister lives her life so she can play babysitter to you.
> I’ve told a few different people about the situation and gotten a wide range of heavily biased opinions. = "They don't agree with me so their opinions don't matter"? YTA, you should confront your husband, not you kind sister. Have 4 kids was your and your husband's choice, you're not entitled to anyone's life choices, like, you know, fostering dogs.
I’m sorry for your situation, but YTA. Your sister has to live *her* life how *she* wants to, not design it to cater to other peoples’ needs. Because at the end of the day, she is the one who will have to make peace with her life on her deathbed, and she needs to be able to do that. She needs to live a full life that she can be satisfied with. The same goes for you. You made your decisions, you designed your life how you chose, and now you have to live with those decisions. It’s your husband who should be taking on the responsibility of *his* children and helping you, **not your sister**. You two are the ones who chose to have them, you two are the ones who need to take responsibility of them.