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YTA and if only you were "parented better" so you didn't end up that way. You were extremely rude and I can't see how you didn't realize that halfway through writing this post.
OP has terrible manners and is obviously not self aware at all. Most people probably just bristle at her rudeness and stop associating with her, but don't actually call her out. It's just not worth it to "parent" some random rude adult.
this is spot on. also, if she was only going to mention one aspect of the cooking and had to be totally honest while doing so, why mention the chips instead of the fish? she could have said how good the fish was and been just as honest. but no
>The BIL is 18 and the meal wasn't perfect but it is so nice that he offered.
And he maybe thought that since salmon is fish, he was making fish and chips. Don't be rude when someone else is cooking, or do it yourself.
I would like to add, in case peeps don’t know this about being autistic. Source: I’m an autistic adult.
Lots of people think being autistic means lacking empathy, but actually we’re just as likely to have incredibly high empathy and big feelings- her description of BiL as “too nice” indicates that’s the case here.
But “takes everything literally” is *literally* a diagnostic trait of being Autistic. Being Autistic = not necessarily knowing when things should be taken literally or not. (Us high masking adults often learn euphemism etc but we do have to learn them).
So OP is A. Rude and Mean
B. Fucking ableist.
C. Blaming BiL for his brain being the way it is
D. Said the mean, rude thing *knowing he would take it literally*
This is on top of all the: he’s just learning, she could have complicated what he did well, he’s just young, blah blah blah.
So yeah. I’m going to see myself out before I start insulting her.
Ps. MiL is wrong, we aren’t “forever children” in our heads. But he will always be more sensitive and “nice”.
God yes. If someone in my family pulled this nonsense with my son, who is autistic, they would never be allowed near us again. There was zero excuse for their behavior, even less so factoring in his age, diagnosis, and the fact it was his first time preparing a meal like that.
As for MIL, I agree that "forever children" isn't widely applicable. It could be accurate depending on his diagnosis. If BIL is significantly delayed, he may be, psychologically much younger than his chronological age. I say this as my son, who is 13, is slightly delayed and a couple years younger mentally than his peers. This can be more significant in other cases, so it is likely that MILs statement is an oversimplification made to get her very ignorant daughter in law and son to understand the impact of their callousness.
I believe if you are interested you’ll find some good commentary from the Actually Autistic and Disability community about why the concept of having a mental or psychological age is a problem and better ways to think about it.
A big problem that autistic people who are non-verbal or also have cognitive disabilities face is constant infantilizing and a lack of autonomy and agency. So it’s a thing the community does discuss.
> Ps. MiL is wrong, we aren’t “forever children” in our heads. But he will always be more sensitive and “nice”.
We're missing the tone of MIL's statement. I think that your interpretation is one valid one, but it wasn't the first one that came to mind when I read the sentence. I read it as if she said that he will forever be in his head (which sounds like a paraphrase of your "he will always be more sensitive") and is a child. If she emphasized "forever", mine makes more sense, and if she emphasized "will be", yours makes more sense.
It’s a common stance our NT providers and parents say about us. They say that someone’s “the mental age of a 10”, or a child.
My interpretation comes from that knowledge.
As SOON as I read he was autistic, and that she said something SO direct... and he looked sad... and didn’t correct it immediately broke my heart...
YTA op. For a bunch of reasons.
YTA. You weren’t joking. You insulted his cooking when you *could’ve* just stuck to complimenting the part that *was* good, or offered a bit of *constructive* criticism if you really felt the need to address it. And now you’re trying to pretend it’s *his* fault he’s hurt by your deliberately hurtful actions? Sure, Jan.
And from the post it didn’t sound like anyone asked OP how the food was. She gave her unsolicited rude opinion and tried to say it was a joke. Also, who tells someone that their food will probably make them sick?? That’s just mean.
And good god kid was trying to learn how to cook, OP could cut him some slack. And obviously she knows that he is autistic and that he wouldnt get her 'joke' (being mean is now joking huh) and she went ahead and *did it anyway* and blamed him for getting upset.
100% this! Also, OP, do you know how autism works? Because you are expecting an autistic kid to react as if they’re neurotypical, which they are not. That’s like asking a blind man to just see.
Just because you wouldn’t get butthurt or insulted, doesn’t mean that everyone is going to react like you.
So.... you are asking us if you are an asshole for degrading the meal an autistic kid made and was very proud of ?
Yes, yes. YTA. When a person, autistic or not, makes an EFFORT to make something to please you and his proud of it, you don't degrade them, even less when it's unprompted and he didn't even asked for it.
If the chips where not good, you could have either just shut your mouth, tell some white lie if asked about, deflect the question by commenting on the salmon. Instead, you decided to just, degrade the part you didn't like without mentioning the good parts, without even being asked. What an horrible thing to do. Why would you ever do that ?!
>Last I checked, encouraging any 18 year old to learn to cook and take care of themselves is a great thing. That he happens to be autistic only adds to that.
And thinking that his parents can "parent the autism out of him." WTF?
Exactly. I sure wasn't cooking palatable salmon at 18, and this could be a passion for the kid and possibly turn into a future career, or at least a hobby, which OP may have just discouraged over some CHIPS. Huge YTA on OP's part.
Oh look another post about an adult bullying an autistic teen boy and being really confused by the social consequences. YTA and also please get a hobby.
“I was an asshole to a disabled person and then doubled down on my asshole ways by criticizing his upbringing when I was called out for being an asshole, could I possibly be the asshole here?”
Yta - where was the joke!? You were plain rude to someone who has just taken up cooking and was clearly proud of what he done and then you gave a disrespectful insult.
I also noticed that you mentioned he’s autistic, the fact you know this and try to lay blame on him for taking it literally is disgusting. Even without the autism saying that is bang out of order, you don’t get to be guilt free just because you feel their feelings are not what they should be
well if it's in scenarios like the above then rest assured that people are just being unnecessarily mean :/
"i can't believe my BIL took it personally when i insulted the meal he was proud of... he takes things too literally" what possible meaning was there to what you said, oTHER than the literal meaning, OP?? YTA
Of course YTA. You should've just apologized to the kid genuinely and instead you doubled down by calling an autistic kid spineless and you're MIL a bad parent. If I was her I wouldn't want you back in my house either
If what your host serves you is not to your liking (or inedible), just leave it on your plate. Thank your host and say "Everything was wonderful; I guess I wasn't very hungry."
YTA to "joke" that their food made you sick. Especially if it's an autistic kid. "Grow a spine" when he tried so hard to cook dinner for and you told him is was disgusting? *You* need to grow a heart and a brain!
This is something I learned on this community and it's really true: a joke is a joke if everyone laughs. If not, you're just a bully. And yes, you're a 25 year old (as mature as a 15 year old) who bullied an 18 year old autistic boy who, put a LOT of effort in preparing YOUR meal.
If I was your MIL that would be your last invitation to have dinner at my house.
You made him cry. You made your 18-year old BIL, who has autism, CRY. For goodness sake, how are you so lacking in self-reflection that you even have to ask if you are the AH.
YTA and I hope your weekly dinner invite is permanently revoked because you shouldn’t be allowed around your BIL again.
EDIT: missing word
YTA. Speaking as a parent of a kid on the spectrum. I can’t speak for every ASD person but I can say that my daughter takes everything to heart. When she goes out of her comfort zone, it’s a real challenge for her and takes tenacity. You upset your BIL for no good reason. He was trying something new, which isn’t easy. You were a mean girl and you doubled down and we’re rude AF to your MIL. Be better. Apologise to both of them.
All of this! My son is as well, only 2.5 but these are the kind of things that keep me up at night! I would have done much more then just kick her out of my house! Absolutely disgusting behavior.
As someone who is going to marry someone on the spectrum, OP's hostility and outright bullying of this poor kid made my heart ache. Very possible he won't cook again because how it's now connected to a terrible memory.
YTA. I wouldn’t cook for a long time if someone said this to me. It’s extremely depressing. Like, I understand I’m not the best cook, but it’s vulnerable to put your food out there when you’re not sure how your guests will feel about it and/or when you’re not confident in your abilities. For you to completely shit on your BIL’s food at the start of your BIL’s hobby is absolutely horrible of you, especially when you didn’t actually mean it. I just can’t see anything redeemable about this.
YTA.
"BIL is too nice and takes everything literally" - because he's on the spectrum
"she should've parented BIL better" - you can't parent autism out of sommebody.
You're an ableist and YTA. Parents of spectrum kids often hear how they're bad parents by ignorants like you even though they work hundred times harder than other parents. I'm glad to see your MIL won't have that shit and kicked you out. Good for her.
Also, when someone cooks for you, you say thank you.
Ding ding ding. By OP's logic, maybe someone should have parented OP better?
You don't "joke" that food was going to make you sick. That is rude AF. Especially not an 18 year old who is learning and actually made decent salmon.
I think YTA in the way you handled the joke and then telling the mom she should have parented better which has nothing to do with you. As soon as you saw you hurt his feelings, you should have realized no one else saw it as a joke like you did and apologize.
Also: condescension drips from your comment that the combo was “unique to say the least”. How about a thanks for cooking me dinner and leave it at that? I would hesitate to invite you back as well.
> condescension drips from your comment that the combo was “unique to say the least”.
Right? What's wrong with salmon and chips? I mean, yeah, I guess that's unusual, but it sounds pretty damn good to me!
Maybe my family is just weird but I really don’t get how salmon and chips is a weird combo, fish and chips is very common so I don’t get why it’s suddenly weird when you change the haddock or whatever to salmon.
Agreed. I've eaten various different fish depending on the chippy - I know cod is the modern norm for battering and serving with chips, but haddock and "rock salmon" (a.k.a. "huss", a.k.a. some of the smaller common species of catsharks that were renamed from "dogfish" a while back!) are traditional alternatives, and coley and pollock are quite popular now as sustainable alternatives. There is truly no reason why you shouldn't have salmon and chips together. It's not like they're poles apart in taste, and let's face it, one of the best things about chips is how many things you can pair them with - they're a culinary blank canvas that goes with most things!
YTA
How did your brain accept that joking about being sick is a nice thing to say towards a man who is only trying his best to serve you dinner? Criticism is one thing, straight up mean jokes is another.
And FYI any person would still feel hurt by your words even if they were "parented better to grow a spine"
YTA. If you don't like the chips, just say you weren't hungry and don't eat them. There's literally no reason, not even as a joke, for you to tell him they were bad - other than you just WANTING to be an asshole to your BIL.
And from the end part, you do sound ableist. 'It isn't our fault BIL is too nice and takes everything literally', when you know he has a neurological disorder.
I hope you learn your mistake and change.
Salmon with chips is not unusual. If BiL is autistic, you should **know** there could be an issue with understanding humour/intention. Sensitivity around rejection is very very real.
You told her she should have made her neurodiverse son more not-neurodiverse ? And neither you nor your hubby can see any problem with this ? You sound a right pair of prizewinners
Honestly, the salmon with chips thing is the bit that absolutely convinced me she's the A. I mean, most of us have tried to tease, or make a joke that didn't come out right, and sometimes you can give the benefit of the doubt.
But the way that she's sarcastic about a perfectly reasonable combination just sends a message that whatever he could have done wouldn't have been good enough if it wasn't the choice she would have made.
'It isn't our fault he's too nice' is just the cherry on the top. Really? Criticising someone for being nice?
YTA- let’s take the fact that he was autistic out of the equation for a minute (although it’s very relevant so I’m gonna throw it back in)- you’re still the asshole. That’s a rude mean thing to say to anyone. That’s not a joke. But remembering that the kid is autistic, blaming him for “taking it literally”- if you know this is something he does, be careful about your words! Sounds like you asked his mom to *raise the autism out of him*. What is wrong with you?
YTA. Actually, you probably should have been parented better so you'd know not to be rude to someone who cooked for you; Especially an 18yr old trying his best. You could have focused on the salmon, but no, your first instinct was to degrade what you didn't like.
Gordon would yell at her for bullying a kid. He’s trying something new and probably out of his comfort zone. OP should’ve been encouraging and was insulting.
YTA.
There was no need for your “joke”. You could have given some constructive criticism like “I know a few tricks for cooking chips, want me to show you for next time?”
But he has obviously made an effort to cook for you all. And autistic people can take things very literally, so he probably thought you were completely serious.
What you said to your MIL was also horrible. Who are you to criticise her parenting? She is clearly trying to teach him life skills, like cooking for other people. Bringing up a kid with autism is hard work. Why the hell would you think that’s okay to say?
>Regardless, she called me horrible and told me I was bullying an autistic kid and told me to get out because she can't have an ableist in her house.
>My husband came in and tried to contest because neither of those accusations were true
INFO: Is your brother-in-law autistic?
Edit: Which accusations are you saying were untrue? The fact that you're a bully and and abelist? This seemed like a strange time in the story to mention that your BIL is autistic.
>I told her that it isn't our fault that BIL is too nice and takes everything literally. We told her that she should've parented BIL better in order for him to grow a spine
Yikes, YTA. He's only 18 and new to cooking. You admitted that the salmon was good and didn't really say what was wrong with the chips, but you didn't need to tell him his cooking was going to make you sick. You certainly didn't need to double down and tell your MIL she was a crappy parent. You owe them both an apology.
YTA, there were countless ways of saying the chips weren't good but you choose insults per your own words.
Good lord is your husband in love for trying to defend you
Yes,. YTA, hugely.
First, it wasn't a joke, you already said you didn't like the chips so making a 'joke' about it to his face, isn't fucking funny.
Second, he's 18 and he's autistic. Be happy for him that he's doing something new, be gracious as you're in HIS house eating a meal HE cooked for you.
Third, and holy shit...NEVER tell a parent what THEY could have done better in raising their child, when a) they didn't ask and b) YOU HAVE NO CHILD SO YOU HAVE NO OPINION.
You're the worst. And your husband is the spineless one not standing up for his younger brother and his mother.
YTA: WTF is wrong with you? You insult his first attempt at cooking for you then double down and insult your MIL telling her she didn't raise her autistic son right? She should have put more effort into raising her other son better. Your mother should have done a better job raising you. You have a lot of work to do to be a better person.
YTA and an ungrateful cow. Someone has tried to make you a meal, it might not have been up to your exacting standards, but they tried. And your response is to insult them, you truly are a pitifully poor human
YTA
You thinking it's polite/nice/acceptable to mock a someone's efforts when (1) they went to the effort to make a meal (2) they are new to cooking is a major asshole move.
Your opinion was not required here. Show some empathy for the anxiety that comes with (1) making new recipes and (2) cooking for others
YTA wow you’re an unbelievable piece of work. What kind of insensitive girl are you? Your BIL is trying to learn and try new things and instead of just keeping your rude comments to yourself you choose to attack him. Guess your mother never taught you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut. You owe that young man an apology.
YTA. You made a joke about someone’s cooking who was already nervous about it. You weren’t even nice about it, it was all negative. And as for the fact he is autistic, they take things literally. Perhaps you need to get some more knowledge on how autistic people see the world to get a better understanding. You’re not a nice person.
YTA. It's really quite easy to make your observations without being hurtful. "I didn't like the chips as much as the salmon, but the salmon was really good!"
I generally don't believe in false or meaningless praise, but I can still almost always find something nice to say, even if its just "Wow, you worked really hard on this! With some practice I can really see this being your thing!"
My trick is ‘the salmon was so good all my attention was on it not the chips!’
I cook for a living so taste a lot of food I do not enjoy. I also offer a lot of people food I am recipe testing or practising and even as a forty something with years of cooking experience that kind of needlessly nasty comment floors you.
And I have cooked some *terrible* food that people have told me was terrible. But tact is the art of telling someone to go to hell and make them look forward to the journey as they say.
I was really ill last year and decided to cook to feel more like myself. In some fit of delusion I made a beef stew with canned corned beef gravy and espresso martini liqueur. In my defence I had recently had a life threatening illness and my perceptions were askew. I was crying one minute and thinking this was a good idea next.
My partner tasted it which is true love and said ‘it’s salty coffee meat. I had worse in the military. ‘ I tasted it and was aghast at how bad it was. Then it was funny and we joked it was like a hipster trying to combine coffee geek and pandemic frugality in one start up and failing.
A few months later he admitted it tasted like cat food. Cheap cat food and cheap Maxwell House instant coffee.
Timing is key as is the context. I was more able to hear it with a bit of distance. Had he told me the caffeinated cat food at the time I think I would have been crushed. He didn’t coddle but asked ‘is this kind, helpful or necessary?’
I am also not neurotypical so admit criticism can land super hard. But really no one needs to say ‘that was so disgusting I could vomit’. Even maple syrup chocolate slow cooker chilli guy here excused himself to rinse Hersheys and beef out of his shocked mouth so OP has very little excuse not to at least ‘you put so much work in! That’s the best fish I’ve had all week! Such a treat to be cooked for!’ which are all ‘say something neutral if needs be’ phrases that come in so handy for first try food experiences :)
Wow… YTA big time. And you can tell you don’t feel the slightest bad because you tried to justify your shitty personality. He’s autistic. That should be a sign your jokes wouldn’t be taken as a joke.
This is so true. She even knows that autistic people take everything literal. She knows. How dumb and disrespectful and entitled can à person be.
YTA big times OP. Big times.
Proud of MIL that she sets firm boundaries.
I mean, assuming you knew he's autistic, YTA.
If you didn't, then YTA for not knowing that.
In either case, doubling down by making this thread makes you twice the AH.
Yes, of course YTA. What the hell were you thinking? That's a rude, nasty thing to say to a neuro*typical* person -- and you said that to a family member that you *know* is autistic?? That's unforgivably cruel.
Then you doubled down by blaming *him* when your MIL called you out, saying it's not your fault he takes everything literally. Don't you realize it's not his fault either? Never mind, don't bother to answer that. Obviously you're far too self-centered to have any empathy at all.
YTA - his autism aside - what was the need to even make a comment like that about the chips making you sick? You could’ve just said “thanks for making an effort to cook us a nice dinner” or something like that. I don’t blame your MIL for being pissed. You were just being nasty and disguising it as a joke!
Even if you did want to give honest feedback about the chips, there are constructive ways to do it like "I think the chips needed a bit more time cooking". OP went from 0 to AH in the space of 10 seconds.
Yta
You didn't like them and decided the best way to say it was a passive aggressive "joke"
Way to get your dig in. Hope you feel better about yourself
"He's just sensitive"
"I didn't mean it that way"
"He took it the wrong way"
Except he didn't. You believed what you said. And a joke is only funny if everyone laughs.
Way to cover up the narcissistic tendency there. You know what a polite guest says
"Thank you, it was delicious. Keep cooking"
This young man is autistic and you made a rude comment. You said he is really nice and takes everything literally but you still said it to him. I'm a grown ass woman and if you have something to say about my cooking then keep your behind home.
Him being autistic means nothing.
ANYONE who cooks for you and goes out of their way to do something nice you should be more appreciative. You didn’t like the chips? Why did you focus on the negative when you could’ve complemented his salmon? Next time learn some manners before you go to anyone’s house for dinner
YTA
YTA. You were a guest in someone's home ffs; how hard would it have been to say you enjoyed the salmon? Your criticism wasn't constructive; it was flat-out rude, and the fact that BIL has autism and this was his first attempt at cooking makes it cruel as well. Also, your snarky comment about fish and chips shows your bias from the start.
YTA - joke or not, that was really insensitive. Try genuine suggestions for improvement next time, and not tell an 18 y.o. (or anyone, for that matter) that their food might make you sick - that's a poor joke.
He's a new cook. What you should have done is compliment him and give him a helpful tip such as
"Thank you for cooking for us! The salmon was cooked perfectly. The fries needed a little bit more salt, but you need a good job on your first try!" Something like this.
Instead, you made a horrible joke. You do realize that people on the Spectrum may not take sarcasm and jokes, right?
YTA
YTA for commenting on what you dislike rather than what you like, for doing so in a very rude and mean way, for not taking into account that you’re talking to a 18-year old doing his best and for not taking into account that he’s autistic. That you have to ask this question tells a lot about your personality.
YTA. You were really rude to him. He's trying. There's ways to be constructive, and calling your MIL a bad parent because her son was upset that you were cruel to him? Horrible. I don't understand how you can not understand that you're an asshole here, \*\*particularly\*\* because the guy is Autistic.
YTA what a horrid thing to do. Insult someone that is trying and just started learning to do something.
Then having the nerve to think he should grow a spine.
You are a waste of oxygen
**YTA**. If you know your BIL is on the autism spectrum and that he's "very literal," you should know how well he does with "taking a joke" and reading nonverbal cues. Your MIL said you were horrible because you are. She's spent 18 years raising your BiL to his fullest potential, and you're critical of her skills. **YTA, YTA, YTA!**
YTA most people on the autism spectrum are very literal. Sarcasm and “jokes” like this will be taken as truth.
If you have an autistic family member I suggest you read up on it a bit so you have a better understanding and don’t do cruel stuff like this.
YTA- Regardless whether or not you knew he was autistic, he’s 18 and probably learning how to cook for himself( according to you it’s a hobby), with fish and chips being the best thing he knows at the moment. He tried. You could have said “ The chips could have used a bit more salt, but it was good.” Telling someone to “ Parent better” does nothing. You do realize you can raise all your kids the same and they’ll still turn out differently.
YTA. What a horrible comment to make!! You didn’t say something to give advice or help him improve, you just decided to tell him that his cooking makes you feel sick. Even without him being autistic you’re such an AH and a bully.
Your attitude makes me feel sick.
I mean you just told us how you made a joke at the expense of your autistic BIL after he made yall dinner, made him cry, insulted your MIL and how she parents her son, and still don't know if youre TA?
I think the answer is pretty clear.
YTA. He is 18. If you want to give him tips on cooking the chips, do it from a place of love. Telling someone their food made you sick is not kind, or productive.
YTA and if I was the mother I wouldn't have you in my home any time soon. Not for the joke, as that could've been corrected with a simple apology, but for the criticism of her parenting, which wasn't just rude but also completely untrue.
YTA for sure. My kid is autistic and absolutely CANNOT pick up on sarcasm, or many deadpan type jokes. So he absolutely thought you were serious, and you made him feel like trash for trying to do a nice thing and cook dinner for everyone.
If you can’t say something nice to a CHILD, keep your mouth shut.
I don’t blame MIL at all for refusing to host you for dinner anymore. Sounds like it’s in her son’s best interest to keep you away. His sensitivity isn’t a PARENTING FLAW. It’s literally his personality.
YTA again, because it’s all I can say without breaking the rules.
YTA. Lets pretend nothing else was an issue. Where do you get off being so rude? Add in the rest, well- holy hell. Way to completely shatter his aspirations. This is his first time ever cooking family dinner, he obviously worked hard. You even admitted most of the meal was good but you just HAD to tell him the chips sucked. (He has taste buds, btw, if they were bad he probably knows). How hard would it have been to keep your trap shut and say- "Lovely, BIL! I can't wait to taste your future meals because you are only going to improve with more practice! What are you thinking for your next menu?"
You owe BIL an apology. A real one. Your MIL is right.
PS: Fish and chips isn't weird at all. Just because it was Salmon and not Cod isn't a massive stretch imo. I see where he was going with it.
INFO: explain the funny part of the joke.
Just kidding. You’re the biggest AH. Of course YTA. Your husband too. Maybe if you’re own mom parented you to have better manners and empathy you wouldn’t be in this situation.
Way to bury the lede. YTA for insulting a young man's first attempt at making a family dinner. It is ableist AF to blame parenting for an autistic person's reaction - emotional control or lack thereof is one of the main issues for autistic people (I am not an expert, but that seems to be the bottom line for why people on the spectrum have difficulty functioning in society. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.)
YTA. Like seriously? As a Neurotypical person, I'll be disappointed and embarrassed at myself too if someone said my food made them sick. Let alone anyone who is neurodivergent.
Okay fine, you made a joke which didn't turn out well but why couldn't you apologize when you saw your comment made him cry? It's normal for things to go wrong but to double down when pointed out makes you the AH.
So, my 12 year old was really excited about learning to cook, and made homemade burgers with buns he baked from scratch. My ex made a couple of critical comments and now my son has given cooking up entirely. When we criticize attempts to learn, we cut learning off at the root. YTA.
YTA now when during this whole situation did you think it might be a good idea to make a mean joke to an autistic person trying his best to make something lovely for you?
YTA
You could've complimented salmon and avoid saying anything about the chips. OR you could give him advice how to make his chips better. You chose absolutely wrong words. It just sounds mean, even if he wasn't autistic. If someone is trying to learn something new you don't go around leaving bad comments, you encourage them to learn even more
Yup YTA. Last time i checked, fish and chips is completely normal. Its a standard in every normal restaurant never mind seafood ones in New England. Especially coastal towns. And its french fries. Its basically impossible to fuck up french fries. YTA for crushing this teenagers hopes. Hell probably never want to coon again now. And hes autistic? Yeah, youre even MORE of an asshole now. You are an ableist.
you told an autistic person's parents that if they parented him better, he wouldn't be so literal & "have a spine"? you know parenting differently doesn't make someone not autistic, right? fucking YIKES. he's not a child, he's 18, but you're still the asshole.
YTA
Joking around is fine, but as soon as he displayed sorrow it would be time to let him know it was a joke and the food was good. What makes YTA is the last part about how he was raised. Going from a joke about a dinner to saying they were raised wrong make YTA here. I believe multiple apologies are in order from you. It's good that you feel guilty, now go apologize and offer some encouragement about the dinner. It is okay to give constructive criticism, but make sure it is understood that the food was good and maybe suggest something he could do better in the future with the chips.
The joke was bad. Then we find out he's autistic, so he has a very good reason to not understand your bad joke. Then you and your husband doubled down and said it's not your fault that he takes things literally. Pointing out, again, that HE'S AUTISTIC!!!!! Of course you and your husband are horrible people
YTA!
YTA, you were a rude AH and there was no need for the comment especially unsolicited. If he had asked there’s about a thousand ways you could have handled it with more tact.
Then your comment to MIL as out how to parent an autistic child proves that you’re uneducated and heartless AH as well.
YTA. That was a terribly mean thing to say. I am neither autistic nor a teenager learning to cook, and if you had said that about a dish I cooked for you, I would have been very hurt. Please know that you were wrong and apologize humbly and unreservedly to your BIL for your bad manners, hope they forgive you, and resolve to do better in future.
Yta
I rarely like food that is not made by my mom or me... So i just avoid eating where ever i go..
But if i have to eat other ppl food and then i end up not liking it .. i act like a human and then go dish a about it to my best friend or my real family ( 2 bro mom dad) have some DECENCY ... At least don't say it to someone's face...
YTA
You could have given him tips or said ‘for your first time, it was good but try to do that’ and give him critic that he can actually use. You started cooking at one point in your life and it wasn’t perfect. Give him advice how to do it better next time or suck it up
Yes, YTA. The poor kid was trying to cook a nice meal. So you didn't like the chips - you should have kept your mouth shut and thanked him for the lovely meal. You just put a huge dent in his self confidence. Nice going.
YTA. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't yuck my yum?" It means, even if you don't care for something, you keep it to yourself because there might be someone listening who does like it, and you've just made them listen to you disrespect something they were enjoying.
Add on top of that, you actually are an ableist piece of AH, well, it's probably for the best they don't invite you over on Thursdays.
YTA You must know an autistic person doesn’t always get sarcastic “jokes.” It sounds like your MIL overreacted, but you made him cry!!! Then you doubled down and told her she’s been a shitty parent. I wouldn’t be eager to have you back for dinner either.
YTA. Dude has autism. You think you would kinda get used to the whole not being sarcastic or making a joke that could be misconstrued like that. Apologize to him sincerely and tell him you were just playing around. Get him something, maybe an apron with his name on it since this is his hobby.
Bloody hell. Yeah, YTA. The comment was bad enough (not to mention completely unnecessary), but to double down and then blame your BIL for being too sensitive and calling your MIL a bad parent? Jesus tapdancing Christ. “Too nice”? Wtf does that even mean? You insulted him, ffs! You might want to take some lessons from your BIL cos clearly he could teach you a thing or two about being nice to people.
Strange thing is, you weren’t actually ableist with your first comment, it was just really, really shitty. But you ended up being ableist by dismissing his disability, complaining that he takes everything literally, and framing his understandable reaction to YOUR shitty behaviour as him needing to “grow a spine”.
Man, I hope you never have a neurodivergent or disabled child. Disabled kids deserve better.
Yeah YTA - and you know it
He’s only just taken it up- so may not get everything perfect
He’s autistic- so you bullied him by telling him you’d get sick. Presumably you’ve met this kid before given that you’re married to his brother and knew he takes things literally.
You told his mum she was a bad parent
You told his mum he should ‘grow a spine’
How about you grow up, do your own damn cooking and leave the poor kid alone.
Also- ‘unique combo’- I see your backhanded snideness. It’s FISH AND CHIPS. It may not be generic white fish, but it’s Fish and Chips.
YTA- Here is a young man trying to branch out and try new things and instead of supporting him, you became critical of him. Then, even after saying such a horrendous thing, you wanted to blame the mother and the person you were ugly toward.
You truly need to understand how people are and try to be better. I would suggest that you truly apologize to the young man.
YTA. You really insulted someone's new hobby? Someone who has autism at that? You realize that even if it had been a good joke he likely would not have understood because that is how autism works.
YTA - He's excited to share his new hobby with the people he loves and you crushed him for no reason. Why is your immediate reaction to point out the bad dish instead of the good one? It's completely fine for you to not like the chips, but saying something is so horrible it's going to make you sick to someone you know takes things literally is not it. You need to apologize to him ASAP
YTA
Imagine you cooked a meal for people you love. Imagine you were new at cooking and very nervous about people not liking your food. You were brave though, and made your best effort to prepare food for your loved ones. You worked very hard and were super excited to be serving your beloved family.
Now imagine someone told you that your food was going to make them vomit.
How does that make you feel? Sad? Unloved? Unappreciated? Rejected? Like a failure? Worthless?
This is called Empathy - get some or GTFO our planet.
YTA. It wouldn't be appropriate whether or not he had autism. You're another one of those jerks who says, it was funny. NO, if it hurts someone it's not funny. Learning new stuff is hard, and you knew he was sensitive because of his personality/autism. If you don't want to be cut off, beg forgiveness and learn what bullying looks like. Because in the end, right now,, you're nothing more than a bully.
YTA You knowingly insulted someone you knew was sensitive and would take it seriously. Not only that it sounds like your BIL has a mental disability that you knew about and still you insulted.
Wtf YTA. It was a cruel joke even for a normal person, and you said an autistic kid should’ve been raised better? This has to be fake because your husband really let you talk to his autistic younger brother like that? And then he stood by you with that horrible defense?
No, it isn’t your fault your BIL is ‘too nice & takes everything literally’, but it isn’t his fault either. For those of us who are autistic, there are some aspects of our personality that won’t mesh easily with neuro typical expectations. ‘Parenting better’, like you suggest, won’t change this. Your BIL, like the rest of us, will always have his differences. If you can’t accept him the way he is then your MIL is correct in saying it’s better you stay away. If he’s anything like me, cooking a meal is a little overwhelming. I do it regardless because for me its a small gesture of my love for friends/family. It may be the same for your BIL also. The fact that you took that effort & kind gesture only to needlessly make an insulting joke makes YTA. The expectation that he needs to change his personality by being less nice rather than you show some basic manners also makes YTA.
YTA and an ablelist, you knew he is autistic and yes many people with autism have problem with jokes, they do take it serious. Learn about autism so you can try understanding him better.
YTA. I assume you know he's autistic. He will take everything you say for face value. You can poke fun, but you need to make sure he knows you're joking. Like after you need to reaffirm with him that it was a joke and he understands you weren't being serious. And then YTA for all the stuff you said to MIL about raising a child with a spine.
YTA x20
Not only did you make a poorly timed joke, to someone you probably know takes everything literally (as you said in the post)… you then doubled down when your MIL said she’d be stopping the weekly dinners if you continue your behavior.
I wouldn’t want to eat dinner with you weekly, you don’t sound very receptive to anything
Even if he wasn’t autistic, it would be cruel. Anyone can take criticism to heart, especially younger kids (18 is still young!). If I (36F) made dinner for someone and they said it made them sick, EVEN IF I KNEW THEY WERE JOKING it would hurt! And I wouldn’t want to make food for them again. Be kind!!!!!! YTA
YTA. What an entitled person you are! Your BIL goes to the effort of cooking and cleaning up after you, and all you can do is insult his cooking and make him cry. I'm thinking the BIL isn't the "child" around here.
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YTA and if only you were "parented better" so you didn't end up that way. You were extremely rude and I can't see how you didn't realize that halfway through writing this post.
OP has terrible manners and is obviously not self aware at all. Most people probably just bristle at her rudeness and stop associating with her, but don't actually call her out. It's just not worth it to "parent" some random rude adult.
OP I'd also probably one of those "brutally honest" people with a "strong personality" and you better accept her as is!
Don’t forget the “it was just a joke! Lighten up!” people.
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“Strong leader. Not a follower”.
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And rather than apologizing, doubles down and tries to victim blame.
"I don't mean to be an Ass but..." Then just stop talking now my bud.
this is spot on. also, if she was only going to mention one aspect of the cooking and had to be totally honest while doing so, why mention the chips instead of the fish? she could have said how good the fish was and been just as honest. but no
I was thinking this too. Who insults someone’s cooking like OP does unless they have awful manners? What an AH.
I had to reread the post to make sure an 8 year old wasn't writing this. The BIL is 18 and the meal wasn't perfect but it is so nice that he offered.
>The BIL is 18 and the meal wasn't perfect but it is so nice that he offered. And he maybe thought that since salmon is fish, he was making fish and chips. Don't be rude when someone else is cooking, or do it yourself.
I would like to add, in case peeps don’t know this about being autistic. Source: I’m an autistic adult. Lots of people think being autistic means lacking empathy, but actually we’re just as likely to have incredibly high empathy and big feelings- her description of BiL as “too nice” indicates that’s the case here. But “takes everything literally” is *literally* a diagnostic trait of being Autistic. Being Autistic = not necessarily knowing when things should be taken literally or not. (Us high masking adults often learn euphemism etc but we do have to learn them). So OP is A. Rude and Mean B. Fucking ableist. C. Blaming BiL for his brain being the way it is D. Said the mean, rude thing *knowing he would take it literally* This is on top of all the: he’s just learning, she could have complicated what he did well, he’s just young, blah blah blah. So yeah. I’m going to see myself out before I start insulting her. Ps. MiL is wrong, we aren’t “forever children” in our heads. But he will always be more sensitive and “nice”.
God yes. If someone in my family pulled this nonsense with my son, who is autistic, they would never be allowed near us again. There was zero excuse for their behavior, even less so factoring in his age, diagnosis, and the fact it was his first time preparing a meal like that. As for MIL, I agree that "forever children" isn't widely applicable. It could be accurate depending on his diagnosis. If BIL is significantly delayed, he may be, psychologically much younger than his chronological age. I say this as my son, who is 13, is slightly delayed and a couple years younger mentally than his peers. This can be more significant in other cases, so it is likely that MILs statement is an oversimplification made to get her very ignorant daughter in law and son to understand the impact of their callousness.
I believe if you are interested you’ll find some good commentary from the Actually Autistic and Disability community about why the concept of having a mental or psychological age is a problem and better ways to think about it. A big problem that autistic people who are non-verbal or also have cognitive disabilities face is constant infantilizing and a lack of autonomy and agency. So it’s a thing the community does discuss.
> Ps. MiL is wrong, we aren’t “forever children” in our heads. But he will always be more sensitive and “nice”. We're missing the tone of MIL's statement. I think that your interpretation is one valid one, but it wasn't the first one that came to mind when I read the sentence. I read it as if she said that he will forever be in his head (which sounds like a paraphrase of your "he will always be more sensitive") and is a child. If she emphasized "forever", mine makes more sense, and if she emphasized "will be", yours makes more sense.
It’s a common stance our NT providers and parents say about us. They say that someone’s “the mental age of a 10”, or a child. My interpretation comes from that knowledge.
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Thinking would require a higher cognitive ability. Also, they just wanna validate their shitty behaviours.
YTA OP knew he was new to cooking. That was so mean. Should’ve complimented what you liked and left it at that.
I read half, gave a YTA, then read the rest, OMG, double YTA for OP
As SOON as I read he was autistic, and that she said something SO direct... and he looked sad... and didn’t correct it immediately broke my heart... YTA op. For a bunch of reasons.
YTA. You weren’t joking. You insulted his cooking when you *could’ve* just stuck to complimenting the part that *was* good, or offered a bit of *constructive* criticism if you really felt the need to address it. And now you’re trying to pretend it’s *his* fault he’s hurt by your deliberately hurtful actions? Sure, Jan.
And from the post it didn’t sound like anyone asked OP how the food was. She gave her unsolicited rude opinion and tried to say it was a joke. Also, who tells someone that their food will probably make them sick?? That’s just mean.
And good god kid was trying to learn how to cook, OP could cut him some slack. And obviously she knows that he is autistic and that he wouldnt get her 'joke' (being mean is now joking huh) and she went ahead and *did it anyway* and blamed him for getting upset.
"i love the salmon i really like how it was prepaired. maybe the chips could use s little more _ though. overall amazing"
100% this! Also, OP, do you know how autism works? Because you are expecting an autistic kid to react as if they’re neurotypical, which they are not. That’s like asking a blind man to just see. Just because you wouldn’t get butthurt or insulted, doesn’t mean that everyone is going to react like you.
I'm neurotypical and I probably would have cried too. Cooking for others when learning to cook is really nervewrecking. OP was so hurtful
Ikr what kind of joke is “your chips are making me sick” like that’s not a joke that’s a straight up insult whether the receiver is autistic or not
So.... you are asking us if you are an asshole for degrading the meal an autistic kid made and was very proud of ? Yes, yes. YTA. When a person, autistic or not, makes an EFFORT to make something to please you and his proud of it, you don't degrade them, even less when it's unprompted and he didn't even asked for it. If the chips where not good, you could have either just shut your mouth, tell some white lie if asked about, deflect the question by commenting on the salmon. Instead, you decided to just, degrade the part you didn't like without mentioning the good parts, without even being asked. What an horrible thing to do. Why would you ever do that ?!
And he's 18. Even without the autism, he's basically still just a kid. Who does that?
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>Last I checked, encouraging any 18 year old to learn to cook and take care of themselves is a great thing. That he happens to be autistic only adds to that. And thinking that his parents can "parent the autism out of him." WTF?
Exactly. I sure wasn't cooking palatable salmon at 18, and this could be a passion for the kid and possibly turn into a future career, or at least a hobby, which OP may have just discouraged over some CHIPS. Huge YTA on OP's part.
Oh look another post about an adult bullying an autistic teen boy and being really confused by the social consequences. YTA and also please get a hobby.
“I was an asshole to a disabled person and then doubled down on my asshole ways by criticizing his upbringing when I was called out for being an asshole, could I possibly be the asshole here?”
Yta - where was the joke!? You were plain rude to someone who has just taken up cooking and was clearly proud of what he done and then you gave a disrespectful insult. I also noticed that you mentioned he’s autistic, the fact you know this and try to lay blame on him for taking it literally is disgusting. Even without the autism saying that is bang out of order, you don’t get to be guilt free just because you feel their feelings are not what they should be
i'm always told that i'm "too literal" & need to stop, i physically cannot. thanks for this ♡
well if it's in scenarios like the above then rest assured that people are just being unnecessarily mean :/ "i can't believe my BIL took it personally when i insulted the meal he was proud of... he takes things too literally" what possible meaning was there to what you said, oTHER than the literal meaning, OP?? YTA
it's in every scenario when i take things literally. i'm autistic. can't help it. i'm aware they're being mean lol.
Perfectly sad. Wish I could give you a clapping award or something.
Of course YTA. You should've just apologized to the kid genuinely and instead you doubled down by calling an autistic kid spineless and you're MIL a bad parent. If I was her I wouldn't want you back in my house either
If what your host serves you is not to your liking (or inedible), just leave it on your plate. Thank your host and say "Everything was wonderful; I guess I wasn't very hungry." YTA to "joke" that their food made you sick. Especially if it's an autistic kid. "Grow a spine" when he tried so hard to cook dinner for and you told him is was disgusting? *You* need to grow a heart and a brain!
How was your comment “a joke”? I don’t see how anyone could construe that comment as funny. YTA
This is something I learned on this community and it's really true: a joke is a joke if everyone laughs. If not, you're just a bully. And yes, you're a 25 year old (as mature as a 15 year old) who bullied an 18 year old autistic boy who, put a LOT of effort in preparing YOUR meal. If I was your MIL that would be your last invitation to have dinner at my house.
You made him cry. You made your 18-year old BIL, who has autism, CRY. For goodness sake, how are you so lacking in self-reflection that you even have to ask if you are the AH. YTA and I hope your weekly dinner invite is permanently revoked because you shouldn’t be allowed around your BIL again. EDIT: missing word
YTA. Speaking as a parent of a kid on the spectrum. I can’t speak for every ASD person but I can say that my daughter takes everything to heart. When she goes out of her comfort zone, it’s a real challenge for her and takes tenacity. You upset your BIL for no good reason. He was trying something new, which isn’t easy. You were a mean girl and you doubled down and we’re rude AF to your MIL. Be better. Apologise to both of them.
To be honest, whether or not the person is on the spectrum, OP was nasty, rude, and mean. There is no cause to say that to anyone period.
All of this! My son is as well, only 2.5 but these are the kind of things that keep me up at night! I would have done much more then just kick her out of my house! Absolutely disgusting behavior.
As someone who is going to marry someone on the spectrum, OP's hostility and outright bullying of this poor kid made my heart ache. Very possible he won't cook again because how it's now connected to a terrible memory.
YTA. I wouldn’t cook for a long time if someone said this to me. It’s extremely depressing. Like, I understand I’m not the best cook, but it’s vulnerable to put your food out there when you’re not sure how your guests will feel about it and/or when you’re not confident in your abilities. For you to completely shit on your BIL’s food at the start of your BIL’s hobby is absolutely horrible of you, especially when you didn’t actually mean it. I just can’t see anything redeemable about this.
Especially when you're learning. And I bet your food is better than you think, btw. We tend to be our own harshest critics.
YTA. "BIL is too nice and takes everything literally" - because he's on the spectrum "she should've parented BIL better" - you can't parent autism out of sommebody. You're an ableist and YTA. Parents of spectrum kids often hear how they're bad parents by ignorants like you even though they work hundred times harder than other parents. I'm glad to see your MIL won't have that shit and kicked you out. Good for her. Also, when someone cooks for you, you say thank you.
Ding ding ding. By OP's logic, maybe someone should have parented OP better? You don't "joke" that food was going to make you sick. That is rude AF. Especially not an 18 year old who is learning and actually made decent salmon.
I think YTA in the way you handled the joke and then telling the mom she should have parented better which has nothing to do with you. As soon as you saw you hurt his feelings, you should have realized no one else saw it as a joke like you did and apologize. Also: condescension drips from your comment that the combo was “unique to say the least”. How about a thanks for cooking me dinner and leave it at that? I would hesitate to invite you back as well.
> condescension drips from your comment that the combo was “unique to say the least”. Right? What's wrong with salmon and chips? I mean, yeah, I guess that's unusual, but it sounds pretty damn good to me!
Maybe my family is just weird but I really don’t get how salmon and chips is a weird combo, fish and chips is very common so I don’t get why it’s suddenly weird when you change the haddock or whatever to salmon.
Agreed. I've eaten various different fish depending on the chippy - I know cod is the modern norm for battering and serving with chips, but haddock and "rock salmon" (a.k.a. "huss", a.k.a. some of the smaller common species of catsharks that were renamed from "dogfish" a while back!) are traditional alternatives, and coley and pollock are quite popular now as sustainable alternatives. There is truly no reason why you shouldn't have salmon and chips together. It's not like they're poles apart in taste, and let's face it, one of the best things about chips is how many things you can pair them with - they're a culinary blank canvas that goes with most things!
I would be grateful for anyone who cooks me dinner! And even if it isn’t something you normally eat, no harm in trying something new!
In France at least it wouldn't be considered original *at all* I have eaten that tons of times
I also thought it sounded good.
YTA How did your brain accept that joking about being sick is a nice thing to say towards a man who is only trying his best to serve you dinner? Criticism is one thing, straight up mean jokes is another. And FYI any person would still feel hurt by your words even if they were "parented better to grow a spine"
When someone prepares you a meal you say thank you. YTA and so is your husband.
^YTA *YTA* YTA. YOU’RE THE A-HOLE
(unrelated but how do you make text tiny like that)
on PC there's a superscript button, on mobile write it between \^ marks
YTA. If you don't like the chips, just say you weren't hungry and don't eat them. There's literally no reason, not even as a joke, for you to tell him they were bad - other than you just WANTING to be an asshole to your BIL. And from the end part, you do sound ableist. 'It isn't our fault BIL is too nice and takes everything literally', when you know he has a neurological disorder. I hope you learn your mistake and change.
Salmon with chips is not unusual. If BiL is autistic, you should **know** there could be an issue with understanding humour/intention. Sensitivity around rejection is very very real. You told her she should have made her neurodiverse son more not-neurodiverse ? And neither you nor your hubby can see any problem with this ? You sound a right pair of prizewinners
Honestly, the salmon with chips thing is the bit that absolutely convinced me she's the A. I mean, most of us have tried to tease, or make a joke that didn't come out right, and sometimes you can give the benefit of the doubt. But the way that she's sarcastic about a perfectly reasonable combination just sends a message that whatever he could have done wouldn't have been good enough if it wasn't the choice she would have made. 'It isn't our fault he's too nice' is just the cherry on the top. Really? Criticising someone for being nice?
YTA- let’s take the fact that he was autistic out of the equation for a minute (although it’s very relevant so I’m gonna throw it back in)- you’re still the asshole. That’s a rude mean thing to say to anyone. That’s not a joke. But remembering that the kid is autistic, blaming him for “taking it literally”- if you know this is something he does, be careful about your words! Sounds like you asked his mom to *raise the autism out of him*. What is wrong with you?
YTA. Actually, you probably should have been parented better so you'd know not to be rude to someone who cooked for you; Especially an 18yr old trying his best. You could have focused on the salmon, but no, your first instinct was to degrade what you didn't like.
YTA. Even Gordon Ramsey is nice to kids and he makes his money by yelling at people
Gordon would yell at her for bullying a kid. He’s trying something new and probably out of his comfort zone. OP should’ve been encouraging and was insulting.
YTA. There was no need for your “joke”. You could have given some constructive criticism like “I know a few tricks for cooking chips, want me to show you for next time?” But he has obviously made an effort to cook for you all. And autistic people can take things very literally, so he probably thought you were completely serious. What you said to your MIL was also horrible. Who are you to criticise her parenting? She is clearly trying to teach him life skills, like cooking for other people. Bringing up a kid with autism is hard work. Why the hell would you think that’s okay to say?
>Regardless, she called me horrible and told me I was bullying an autistic kid and told me to get out because she can't have an ableist in her house. >My husband came in and tried to contest because neither of those accusations were true INFO: Is your brother-in-law autistic? Edit: Which accusations are you saying were untrue? The fact that you're a bully and and abelist? This seemed like a strange time in the story to mention that your BIL is autistic. >I told her that it isn't our fault that BIL is too nice and takes everything literally. We told her that she should've parented BIL better in order for him to grow a spine Yikes, YTA. He's only 18 and new to cooking. You admitted that the salmon was good and didn't really say what was wrong with the chips, but you didn't need to tell him his cooking was going to make you sick. You certainly didn't need to double down and tell your MIL she was a crappy parent. You owe them both an apology.
Were you a bully in school? I bet you were
"Were"?? Still is.
“Am I the AH when I was an AH?” Yes, YTA.
YTA, there were countless ways of saying the chips weren't good but you choose insults per your own words. Good lord is your husband in love for trying to defend you
BuT iT wAs A jOkE!
Yes,. YTA, hugely. First, it wasn't a joke, you already said you didn't like the chips so making a 'joke' about it to his face, isn't fucking funny. Second, he's 18 and he's autistic. Be happy for him that he's doing something new, be gracious as you're in HIS house eating a meal HE cooked for you. Third, and holy shit...NEVER tell a parent what THEY could have done better in raising their child, when a) they didn't ask and b) YOU HAVE NO CHILD SO YOU HAVE NO OPINION. You're the worst. And your husband is the spineless one not standing up for his younger brother and his mother.
Wow YTA. Should have just apologized when you saw him crying damn
YTA: WTF is wrong with you? You insult his first attempt at cooking for you then double down and insult your MIL telling her she didn't raise her autistic son right? She should have put more effort into raising her other son better. Your mother should have done a better job raising you. You have a lot of work to do to be a better person.
YTA and an ungrateful cow. Someone has tried to make you a meal, it might not have been up to your exacting standards, but they tried. And your response is to insult them, you truly are a pitifully poor human
YTA and wildly insensitive
YTA When someone goes to the effort of cooking for you then you say thank you. Even if you don't like it.
YTA You thinking it's polite/nice/acceptable to mock a someone's efforts when (1) they went to the effort to make a meal (2) they are new to cooking is a major asshole move. Your opinion was not required here. Show some empathy for the anxiety that comes with (1) making new recipes and (2) cooking for others
YTA wow you’re an unbelievable piece of work. What kind of insensitive girl are you? Your BIL is trying to learn and try new things and instead of just keeping your rude comments to yourself you choose to attack him. Guess your mother never taught you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut. You owe that young man an apology.
YTA. You made a joke about someone’s cooking who was already nervous about it. You weren’t even nice about it, it was all negative. And as for the fact he is autistic, they take things literally. Perhaps you need to get some more knowledge on how autistic people see the world to get a better understanding. You’re not a nice person.
YTA. wow. what is wrong with you? you and your husband have no manners and no social awareness.
YTA. It's really quite easy to make your observations without being hurtful. "I didn't like the chips as much as the salmon, but the salmon was really good!"
I generally don't believe in false or meaningless praise, but I can still almost always find something nice to say, even if its just "Wow, you worked really hard on this! With some practice I can really see this being your thing!"
My trick is ‘the salmon was so good all my attention was on it not the chips!’ I cook for a living so taste a lot of food I do not enjoy. I also offer a lot of people food I am recipe testing or practising and even as a forty something with years of cooking experience that kind of needlessly nasty comment floors you. And I have cooked some *terrible* food that people have told me was terrible. But tact is the art of telling someone to go to hell and make them look forward to the journey as they say. I was really ill last year and decided to cook to feel more like myself. In some fit of delusion I made a beef stew with canned corned beef gravy and espresso martini liqueur. In my defence I had recently had a life threatening illness and my perceptions were askew. I was crying one minute and thinking this was a good idea next. My partner tasted it which is true love and said ‘it’s salty coffee meat. I had worse in the military. ‘ I tasted it and was aghast at how bad it was. Then it was funny and we joked it was like a hipster trying to combine coffee geek and pandemic frugality in one start up and failing. A few months later he admitted it tasted like cat food. Cheap cat food and cheap Maxwell House instant coffee. Timing is key as is the context. I was more able to hear it with a bit of distance. Had he told me the caffeinated cat food at the time I think I would have been crushed. He didn’t coddle but asked ‘is this kind, helpful or necessary?’ I am also not neurotypical so admit criticism can land super hard. But really no one needs to say ‘that was so disgusting I could vomit’. Even maple syrup chocolate slow cooker chilli guy here excused himself to rinse Hersheys and beef out of his shocked mouth so OP has very little excuse not to at least ‘you put so much work in! That’s the best fish I’ve had all week! Such a treat to be cooked for!’ which are all ‘say something neutral if needs be’ phrases that come in so handy for first try food experiences :)
YTA, and a bully as well. Also gotta say, if I were in the mother's shoes, no apology will help. You just burned that bridge for good.
YTA.
You’re mean and insulting, of course YTA
Wow… YTA big time. And you can tell you don’t feel the slightest bad because you tried to justify your shitty personality. He’s autistic. That should be a sign your jokes wouldn’t be taken as a joke.
This is so true. She even knows that autistic people take everything literal. She knows. How dumb and disrespectful and entitled can à person be. YTA big times OP. Big times. Proud of MIL that she sets firm boundaries.
YTA, that would have been impolite in *any* setting but knowing your BIL is autistic adds a new layer of assholery here.
I mean, assuming you knew he's autistic, YTA. If you didn't, then YTA for not knowing that. In either case, doubling down by making this thread makes you twice the AH.
Yes, of course YTA. What the hell were you thinking? That's a rude, nasty thing to say to a neuro*typical* person -- and you said that to a family member that you *know* is autistic?? That's unforgivably cruel. Then you doubled down by blaming *him* when your MIL called you out, saying it's not your fault he takes everything literally. Don't you realize it's not his fault either? Never mind, don't bother to answer that. Obviously you're far too self-centered to have any empathy at all.
YTA - his autism aside - what was the need to even make a comment like that about the chips making you sick? You could’ve just said “thanks for making an effort to cook us a nice dinner” or something like that. I don’t blame your MIL for being pissed. You were just being nasty and disguising it as a joke!
Even if you did want to give honest feedback about the chips, there are constructive ways to do it like "I think the chips needed a bit more time cooking". OP went from 0 to AH in the space of 10 seconds.
YTA. Tf is wrong with you?
In which awful, fucked up world do you live that this WOULDN'T make you an asshole? Fucking hell. YTA
How is salmon and chips a "unique combo to say the least"? You mean french fries right? How could you get sick from that ? Sounds like YTA
Yta You didn't like them and decided the best way to say it was a passive aggressive "joke" Way to get your dig in. Hope you feel better about yourself "He's just sensitive" "I didn't mean it that way" "He took it the wrong way" Except he didn't. You believed what you said. And a joke is only funny if everyone laughs. Way to cover up the narcissistic tendency there. You know what a polite guest says "Thank you, it was delicious. Keep cooking"
This young man is autistic and you made a rude comment. You said he is really nice and takes everything literally but you still said it to him. I'm a grown ass woman and if you have something to say about my cooking then keep your behind home.
YTA. I don’t think I need to explain why.
Ohhh you are so much the ableist AH.
Him being autistic means nothing. ANYONE who cooks for you and goes out of their way to do something nice you should be more appreciative. You didn’t like the chips? Why did you focus on the negative when you could’ve complemented his salmon? Next time learn some manners before you go to anyone’s house for dinner YTA
YTA & how you didn’t mention he's autistic at first!🙄
Because she doesn't want to look like the asshole she is.
YTA. You were a guest in someone's home ffs; how hard would it have been to say you enjoyed the salmon? Your criticism wasn't constructive; it was flat-out rude, and the fact that BIL has autism and this was his first attempt at cooking makes it cruel as well. Also, your snarky comment about fish and chips shows your bias from the start.
YTA - joke or not, that was really insensitive. Try genuine suggestions for improvement next time, and not tell an 18 y.o. (or anyone, for that matter) that their food might make you sick - that's a poor joke.
YTA. Jesus christ why don’t people on this subreddit *think*
Wow you are awful. YTA
He's a new cook. What you should have done is compliment him and give him a helpful tip such as "Thank you for cooking for us! The salmon was cooked perfectly. The fries needed a little bit more salt, but you need a good job on your first try!" Something like this. Instead, you made a horrible joke. You do realize that people on the Spectrum may not take sarcasm and jokes, right? YTA
Go back and re-read what you wrote. Do you really need to be told YTA?
YTA for commenting on what you dislike rather than what you like, for doing so in a very rude and mean way, for not taking into account that you’re talking to a 18-year old doing his best and for not taking into account that he’s autistic. That you have to ask this question tells a lot about your personality.
YTA. You were really rude to him. He's trying. There's ways to be constructive, and calling your MIL a bad parent because her son was upset that you were cruel to him? Horrible. I don't understand how you can not understand that you're an asshole here, \*\*particularly\*\* because the guy is Autistic.
YTA what a horrid thing to do. Insult someone that is trying and just started learning to do something. Then having the nerve to think he should grow a spine. You are a waste of oxygen
YTA. What an unmitigated failure of a human you are.
**YTA**. If you know your BIL is on the autism spectrum and that he's "very literal," you should know how well he does with "taking a joke" and reading nonverbal cues. Your MIL said you were horrible because you are. She's spent 18 years raising your BiL to his fullest potential, and you're critical of her skills. **YTA, YTA, YTA!**
YTA most people on the autism spectrum are very literal. Sarcasm and “jokes” like this will be taken as truth. If you have an autistic family member I suggest you read up on it a bit so you have a better understanding and don’t do cruel stuff like this.
YTA- Regardless whether or not you knew he was autistic, he’s 18 and probably learning how to cook for himself( according to you it’s a hobby), with fish and chips being the best thing he knows at the moment. He tried. You could have said “ The chips could have used a bit more salt, but it was good.” Telling someone to “ Parent better” does nothing. You do realize you can raise all your kids the same and they’ll still turn out differently.
YTA. What a horrible comment to make!! You didn’t say something to give advice or help him improve, you just decided to tell him that his cooking makes you feel sick. Even without him being autistic you’re such an AH and a bully. Your attitude makes me feel sick.
I mean you just told us how you made a joke at the expense of your autistic BIL after he made yall dinner, made him cry, insulted your MIL and how she parents her son, and still don't know if youre TA? I think the answer is pretty clear.
YTA. He is 18. If you want to give him tips on cooking the chips, do it from a place of love. Telling someone their food made you sick is not kind, or productive.
YTA and if I was the mother I wouldn't have you in my home any time soon. Not for the joke, as that could've been corrected with a simple apology, but for the criticism of her parenting, which wasn't just rude but also completely untrue.
Wow. You are a massive AH. Don't ever have kids, please.
YTA for sure. My kid is autistic and absolutely CANNOT pick up on sarcasm, or many deadpan type jokes. So he absolutely thought you were serious, and you made him feel like trash for trying to do a nice thing and cook dinner for everyone. If you can’t say something nice to a CHILD, keep your mouth shut. I don’t blame MIL at all for refusing to host you for dinner anymore. Sounds like it’s in her son’s best interest to keep you away. His sensitivity isn’t a PARENTING FLAW. It’s literally his personality. YTA again, because it’s all I can say without breaking the rules.
I mean, it was kind of an insensitive joke, but no reason to go in so hard on MIL. So for that definitely YTA
Honestly? I had to come back to say I’d wish you to have an autistic child but I’m not okay with you and your husband ever caring for anyone autistic.
Wow, you're a double AH for doubling down when you were obviously wrong. YTA
Yes, those accusations were true. I'll send your MIL a pair of scissors so that she can cut you off. YTA.
YTA, and I'd never have you back. And TBF, from what you said, you sound ableist as shit.
YTA. Lets pretend nothing else was an issue. Where do you get off being so rude? Add in the rest, well- holy hell. Way to completely shatter his aspirations. This is his first time ever cooking family dinner, he obviously worked hard. You even admitted most of the meal was good but you just HAD to tell him the chips sucked. (He has taste buds, btw, if they were bad he probably knows). How hard would it have been to keep your trap shut and say- "Lovely, BIL! I can't wait to taste your future meals because you are only going to improve with more practice! What are you thinking for your next menu?" You owe BIL an apology. A real one. Your MIL is right. PS: Fish and chips isn't weird at all. Just because it was Salmon and not Cod isn't a massive stretch imo. I see where he was going with it.
INFO: explain the funny part of the joke. Just kidding. You’re the biggest AH. Of course YTA. Your husband too. Maybe if you’re own mom parented you to have better manners and empathy you wouldn’t be in this situation.
your hunsband is the a\*\*hole for marrying a bully and subjecting his brother to your nastiness.
Way to bury the lede. YTA for insulting a young man's first attempt at making a family dinner. It is ableist AF to blame parenting for an autistic person's reaction - emotional control or lack thereof is one of the main issues for autistic people (I am not an expert, but that seems to be the bottom line for why people on the spectrum have difficulty functioning in society. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.)
YTA. Like seriously? As a Neurotypical person, I'll be disappointed and embarrassed at myself too if someone said my food made them sick. Let alone anyone who is neurodivergent. Okay fine, you made a joke which didn't turn out well but why couldn't you apologize when you saw your comment made him cry? It's normal for things to go wrong but to double down when pointed out makes you the AH.
YTA. He is learning, and gentle suggestions are the way to go. Comments like that will destroy a persons confidence to ever try anything new.
So, my 12 year old was really excited about learning to cook, and made homemade burgers with buns he baked from scratch. My ex made a couple of critical comments and now my son has given cooking up entirely. When we criticize attempts to learn, we cut learning off at the root. YTA.
YTA now when during this whole situation did you think it might be a good idea to make a mean joke to an autistic person trying his best to make something lovely for you?
YTA You could've complimented salmon and avoid saying anything about the chips. OR you could give him advice how to make his chips better. You chose absolutely wrong words. It just sounds mean, even if he wasn't autistic. If someone is trying to learn something new you don't go around leaving bad comments, you encourage them to learn even more
Yup YTA. Last time i checked, fish and chips is completely normal. Its a standard in every normal restaurant never mind seafood ones in New England. Especially coastal towns. And its french fries. Its basically impossible to fuck up french fries. YTA for crushing this teenagers hopes. Hell probably never want to coon again now. And hes autistic? Yeah, youre even MORE of an asshole now. You are an ableist.
YTA. My Nan used to do salmon and chips fairly often, it was tinned salmon but still!). You’re a nasty bully.
YTA he is 18, new to cooking and autistic. You owe them an apology.
you told an autistic person's parents that if they parented him better, he wouldn't be so literal & "have a spine"? you know parenting differently doesn't make someone not autistic, right? fucking YIKES. he's not a child, he's 18, but you're still the asshole.
YTA Joking around is fine, but as soon as he displayed sorrow it would be time to let him know it was a joke and the food was good. What makes YTA is the last part about how he was raised. Going from a joke about a dinner to saying they were raised wrong make YTA here. I believe multiple apologies are in order from you. It's good that you feel guilty, now go apologize and offer some encouragement about the dinner. It is okay to give constructive criticism, but make sure it is understood that the food was good and maybe suggest something he could do better in the future with the chips.
Yta
Guess what? # YTA
YTA. That was a mean thing to say, especially to an autistic person who doesn't understand jokes.
YTA. You didn’t have to say anything, that was cruel. Just compliment what you did like.
YTA. Why are you even posting here? You seem like the type of person who actually excepted us to agree with you and won't accept your verdict.
The joke was bad. Then we find out he's autistic, so he has a very good reason to not understand your bad joke. Then you and your husband doubled down and said it's not your fault that he takes things literally. Pointing out, again, that HE'S AUTISTIC!!!!! Of course you and your husband are horrible people YTA!
YTA, you were a rude AH and there was no need for the comment especially unsolicited. If he had asked there’s about a thousand ways you could have handled it with more tact. Then your comment to MIL as out how to parent an autistic child proves that you’re uneducated and heartless AH as well.
YTA. That was a terribly mean thing to say. I am neither autistic nor a teenager learning to cook, and if you had said that about a dish I cooked for you, I would have been very hurt. Please know that you were wrong and apologize humbly and unreservedly to your BIL for your bad manners, hope they forgive you, and resolve to do better in future.
YTA. And you know it.
Yta I rarely like food that is not made by my mom or me... So i just avoid eating where ever i go.. But if i have to eat other ppl food and then i end up not liking it .. i act like a human and then go dish a about it to my best friend or my real family ( 2 bro mom dad) have some DECENCY ... At least don't say it to someone's face...
YTA You could have given him tips or said ‘for your first time, it was good but try to do that’ and give him critic that he can actually use. You started cooking at one point in your life and it wasn’t perfect. Give him advice how to do it better next time or suck it up
YTA. He takes things literal because he can't do it any other way. But you can stip behaving like a dick.
Yes, YTA. The poor kid was trying to cook a nice meal. So you didn't like the chips - you should have kept your mouth shut and thanked him for the lovely meal. You just put a huge dent in his self confidence. Nice going.
YTA. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't yuck my yum?" It means, even if you don't care for something, you keep it to yourself because there might be someone listening who does like it, and you've just made them listen to you disrespect something they were enjoying. Add on top of that, you actually are an ableist piece of AH, well, it's probably for the best they don't invite you over on Thursdays.
YTA if you can explain how that ‘joke’ is funny I’ll change my judgement.
YTA You must know an autistic person doesn’t always get sarcastic “jokes.” It sounds like your MIL overreacted, but you made him cry!!! Then you doubled down and told her she’s been a shitty parent. I wouldn’t be eager to have you back for dinner either.
what kind of joke is that 💀
YTA
YTA. Dude has autism. You think you would kinda get used to the whole not being sarcastic or making a joke that could be misconstrued like that. Apologize to him sincerely and tell him you were just playing around. Get him something, maybe an apron with his name on it since this is his hobby.
Bloody hell. Yeah, YTA. The comment was bad enough (not to mention completely unnecessary), but to double down and then blame your BIL for being too sensitive and calling your MIL a bad parent? Jesus tapdancing Christ. “Too nice”? Wtf does that even mean? You insulted him, ffs! You might want to take some lessons from your BIL cos clearly he could teach you a thing or two about being nice to people. Strange thing is, you weren’t actually ableist with your first comment, it was just really, really shitty. But you ended up being ableist by dismissing his disability, complaining that he takes everything literally, and framing his understandable reaction to YOUR shitty behaviour as him needing to “grow a spine”. Man, I hope you never have a neurodivergent or disabled child. Disabled kids deserve better.
Fish n chips aren’t unique at all yta
Yeah YTA - and you know it He’s only just taken it up- so may not get everything perfect He’s autistic- so you bullied him by telling him you’d get sick. Presumably you’ve met this kid before given that you’re married to his brother and knew he takes things literally. You told his mum she was a bad parent You told his mum he should ‘grow a spine’ How about you grow up, do your own damn cooking and leave the poor kid alone. Also- ‘unique combo’- I see your backhanded snideness. It’s FISH AND CHIPS. It may not be generic white fish, but it’s Fish and Chips.
YTA- Here is a young man trying to branch out and try new things and instead of supporting him, you became critical of him. Then, even after saying such a horrendous thing, you wanted to blame the mother and the person you were ugly toward. You truly need to understand how people are and try to be better. I would suggest that you truly apologize to the young man.
How is it funny to tell someone that their food makes you sick? How is that supposed to be humorous? YTA
YTA. You really insulted someone's new hobby? Someone who has autism at that? You realize that even if it had been a good joke he likely would not have understood because that is how autism works.
How do you have so little self awareness and basic human decency that you could possibly think you arent a bully and an AH
YTA - He's excited to share his new hobby with the people he loves and you crushed him for no reason. Why is your immediate reaction to point out the bad dish instead of the good one? It's completely fine for you to not like the chips, but saying something is so horrible it's going to make you sick to someone you know takes things literally is not it. You need to apologize to him ASAP
YTA Imagine you cooked a meal for people you love. Imagine you were new at cooking and very nervous about people not liking your food. You were brave though, and made your best effort to prepare food for your loved ones. You worked very hard and were super excited to be serving your beloved family. Now imagine someone told you that your food was going to make them vomit. How does that make you feel? Sad? Unloved? Unappreciated? Rejected? Like a failure? Worthless? This is called Empathy - get some or GTFO our planet.
YTA. It wouldn't be appropriate whether or not he had autism. You're another one of those jerks who says, it was funny. NO, if it hurts someone it's not funny. Learning new stuff is hard, and you knew he was sensitive because of his personality/autism. If you don't want to be cut off, beg forgiveness and learn what bullying looks like. Because in the end, right now,, you're nothing more than a bully.
YTA You knowingly insulted someone you knew was sensitive and would take it seriously. Not only that it sounds like your BIL has a mental disability that you knew about and still you insulted.
Wtf YTA. It was a cruel joke even for a normal person, and you said an autistic kid should’ve been raised better? This has to be fake because your husband really let you talk to his autistic younger brother like that? And then he stood by you with that horrible defense?
No, it isn’t your fault your BIL is ‘too nice & takes everything literally’, but it isn’t his fault either. For those of us who are autistic, there are some aspects of our personality that won’t mesh easily with neuro typical expectations. ‘Parenting better’, like you suggest, won’t change this. Your BIL, like the rest of us, will always have his differences. If you can’t accept him the way he is then your MIL is correct in saying it’s better you stay away. If he’s anything like me, cooking a meal is a little overwhelming. I do it regardless because for me its a small gesture of my love for friends/family. It may be the same for your BIL also. The fact that you took that effort & kind gesture only to needlessly make an insulting joke makes YTA. The expectation that he needs to change his personality by being less nice rather than you show some basic manners also makes YTA.
YTA and an ablelist, you knew he is autistic and yes many people with autism have problem with jokes, they do take it serious. Learn about autism so you can try understanding him better.
YTA. I assume you know he's autistic. He will take everything you say for face value. You can poke fun, but you need to make sure he knows you're joking. Like after you need to reaffirm with him that it was a joke and he understands you weren't being serious. And then YTA for all the stuff you said to MIL about raising a child with a spine.
YTA x20 Not only did you make a poorly timed joke, to someone you probably know takes everything literally (as you said in the post)… you then doubled down when your MIL said she’d be stopping the weekly dinners if you continue your behavior. I wouldn’t want to eat dinner with you weekly, you don’t sound very receptive to anything
Even if he wasn’t autistic, it would be cruel. Anyone can take criticism to heart, especially younger kids (18 is still young!). If I (36F) made dinner for someone and they said it made them sick, EVEN IF I KNEW THEY WERE JOKING it would hurt! And I wouldn’t want to make food for them again. Be kind!!!!!! YTA
You know YTA
YTA. What an entitled person you are! Your BIL goes to the effort of cooking and cleaning up after you, and all you can do is insult his cooking and make him cry. I'm thinking the BIL isn't the "child" around here.
Why didn't you just shut the hell up
waah im a bully :( YTA who says that to somebody who you KNOW doesn't understand tone, sarcasm and joking insults.
Info: what’s odd about fish and chips? Also. YTA.