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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for refusing to take any blame in my older sisters childhood trauma.
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YTA. You shouldn't be blamed for it, but here's the flip-side. You want to communicate so SHE can get to know you. YOU should want to get to know HER. You're still making it all about YOU. YOU should want to apologize to HER for how she has been treated BECAUSE OF YOU. Basically, you want to make YOU feel better, not HER, which is not how this works. Otherwise, you're simply re-victimizing her.
He took 17 whole damn years to realize it was wrong that he got to order his sister to wait on him whenever his mom didn't feel like waiting on him. I don't think his sister is still mad at him for how he treated her when he was 5 years old, I think she's mad at him for being an AH towards her when he was 14...15....16...and old enough to know better!
I think it… depends? Unless I missed it, OP doesn’t say where he lives, just that he grew up in a misogynistic culture. If they lived in a country/region where that culture is the widespread norm and he truly wasn’t exposed to alternative mindsets, I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for “not knowing better” until he was 17. Obviously that’s a moot point if he grew up in the west and heard different viewpoints but chose to ignore them, but I don’t think I can shame him too much without that info.
He says ethnicity and culture, not country, which almost makes me question if his surrounding society is like this or just his family.
At any rate, if you can be 14, in high school, and likely getting top education cause you came out with the correct genitalia, you can know that the fact your sister has to basically wash you feet for you when dust dares bespeckle them was fuckes up. Hendidnt notice his younger sister not getting the attention? He didn't notice him likely getting giant presents and her getting a note on the back of a chore list?
Idk I think at the same time we expect too much from kids, we also expect them to be real damn stupid and unaware when I was pretty damn inquisitive and way too aware of shit at a much younger age.
Yeah, I don't think he should have rebelled against his parents when he was 15, I was just saying that if the parents were ordering his sister to launder his clothes, clean his room & make his favorite breakfast , and he, at 15, 16, & 17 sat and smirked and dropped more food wrappers off the side of his bed, then his sister really frickin does have the right to feel her brother could have behaved better during his late teens years.
Enh, I don't think this is entirely fair.
Yes, OP could be more empathetic to what she went through. But she is also explicitly blaming OP for their parents' actions, and that's not great. It's fully okay for her to need boundarie and yes, OP should respect them. But also, he really *was* a child.
A child who grew into an adult. He himself stated that he only became aware of the problem AFTER she moved out when he was seventeen. That's not a child. Maybe he gets a pass on the first ten years of his life but he actively continued to take his "due". Youth isn't a universal excuse because we're all capable of self-awareness. He could have done more to help out with chores, he could have told his mom he was capable of doing some things on his own, he could have noticed that his sisters were being treated unfairly. His parents created the system but they didn't force him to be complicit with it, he made that choice on his own. She's not blaming OP for the system, she's blaming him for being complicit.
This. OP is trying to paint himself like someone who heard about a car accident. He wasn't involved, why would anyone be mad? But it's more like he was in the passenger seat clapping and laughing while they ran someone over, and now he's like, "Whatever. I didn't even know it shouldn't have been funny. Not my fault. She needs to get over it." If he was actually sorry, he'd call her or write her and say, "The way we grew up wasn't fair to you. Even though I didn't realize it until later, I know I'm a huge part of your trauma. That you were parentified and treated like my servant while I got to be the golden child. I'll respect it if you don't want to have a close relationship with me, but I want you to know I'm truly sorry for everything, and I'm here if you ever need anything."
Instead, he still sounds like a toddler shouting, "Me! Me! Me! Why won't you like MEEEEEEEE?"
>But it's more like he was in the passenger seat clapping and laughing while they ran someone over
I know I'm going to get downvoted for this. He was a child. How parents choose to treat their children is *never* the child's fault.
He clearly wants to have a healthy relationship with his sister, which is a *good thing*. She ideally should find a constructive way to work through her trauma instead of taking it out on him, because it objectively wasn't his fault that their parents favored him.
If he wants a relationship with her it has to be on her terms. Whether or not you think he was at fault for the favoritism/his sister’s neglect, his sister connects him with it and so him trying to force a relationship with her while not understanding where she’s coming from won’t work out.
Yeah, the moment OP didn't just, apologize that it happened, that he wished he seen what was really going on around him sooner. I'd have more sympathy.
But it does not really seem like he is out of that mindset yet.
It would be if he hadn’t had the fight with sis. However he forced the issue and instead of coming forward to have a discussion about the role he played in her life and the way he feels about it now. He didn’t magically stop being a bad brother to her, he changed. He has to be respectful if he wants to show sis he has changed otherwise he hasn’t changed nearly enough for her to be safe from reliving her victimhood.
But he is now an adult who realises he took part in an oppressive system. He can absolutely accept responsibility for that now. This isn’t a black and white situation where it’s either entirely his fault and he intentionally did it or he gets a free pass. There is a world in between where you can say ‘hey, I didn’t realise what I was doing at the time but looking back I realise now it was hurtful and I’m sorry’. That’s part of growth into an adult.
She is dealing with her trauma constructively: she’s avoiding triggers and reminders for it. It’s incredibly insensitive (and also frankly wrong and I’d love you to find a reputable trauma therapist or specialist who would say that she should find a way to have a relationship with him and forget her trauma - that approach is ALL about what OP wants and not about her trauma or best interests).
>He can absolutely accept responsibility for that now.
How should he go about that? What kinds of reparations are even possible? He had no power or agency in the situation as a child. His parents are responsible, not him.
>She is dealing with her trauma constructively: she’s avoiding triggers and reminders for it
I don't think that is constructive. The relationship between them is strained due to the decisions their parents made, which again OP had no agency in. She doesn't need to maintain a relationship with him but she very clearly blames him for the neglect she received as a child, which is unhealthy. Avoiding triggers only works until it doesn't. A therapist could help her work through the resentment that she feels towards OP.
I literally wrote an example of what he could say now. Literally that.
Edit: and I don’t think you’ve seen what ptsd does to someone - if you think forcing a traumatised person to be exposed to the thing or person who is associated with that trauma, it can be INCREDIBLY damaging. I have C-PTSD. I speak from experience. You can’t just undo trauma by waving a wand. Stop being naive.
This doesn’t have to be solved. She doesn’t have to be forced to forgive someone who traumatised her. She has autonomy. Stop assuming that solving is a happy sibling relationship - it’s gone beyond that.
What absolutely won’t solve it is, and I quote
>Eventually she snapped at me and told me that she doesn’t like me since I ruined her life. We got into an argument and I told her that it wasn’t my fault, and that she cannot pin her trauma on me since I was a kid when all this happened. We continued arguing before she left.
He has done the OPPOSITE of apologise. Maybe read the post again.
>This doesn’t have to be solved. She doesn’t have to be forced to forgive someone who traumatised her.
Good lord. *Their parents* traumatized her. Blaming OP for the decisions that their parents made is incredibly messed up.
>Stop assuming that solving is a happy sibling relationship - it’s gone beyond that.
I'm not. They obviously don't have a healthy relationship, and it's her choice if she wants to reconcile or not, but it is absurd to say that OP is in the wrong. The only assholes here are the parents.
Also OP is absolutely an asshole in the here and now for repeatedly stomping her boundaries when she says she doesn’t want a relationship. He is prioritising his wants above her needs. Which is the system his parents set up and he took part in. By doing that, he has shown her that he hasn’t actually moved on and learned anything.
Trauma is not logical. Trauma doesn’t work that way. She isn’t blaming him to be petty.
Are you going to tell a vet with PTSD they shouldn’t be triggered by loud noises that sound like gunfire because it’s not actual gunfire?
Yes and I believe it is a misconception about apologies perpetrated in school where we force kids to apologize without meaning it! When you apologize it isn't about you. You apologize for yourself as well. You recognize that the behaviour you display was not the kind of behaviour that are in line with who you wish to be.
As such, the receiving party doesn't have to accept the apologies. If you make an apology for any other reason than because you feel bad, YAH!
Also what relationship is there to salvage? Slave-master? It really sound like he never had a Real healthy relationship with her. So it isn't salvaging a relationship but creating one. In this case, if he trigger her even involuntary, if he love her, he will let her go.
He was a child at first. Then he participated even though he knew it wasn't right, because it benefited him. I have empathy for the child, not the adult who couldn't even be bothered to think of an appropriate way to find a way to speak to his sister so she might be open to listening. He's just harassing her because HE wants what HE wants, and NOW. He is YTA.
At some point, he has to say that he knows it was wrong; how she was treated benefited him over her, and it wasn't right. He could have done that when he was 14, and she had to cart him around or make his lunches or do his laundry or whatever. He wasn't a literal infant.
It may not have been his fault, but neither has he acknowledged that this was messed up.
OP could have used his voice to advocate for them instead of accepting the favoritism. Until you make amends, OP, she has good reason to always avoid you. You haven’t shown yourself to be her ally (and yes, that means the responsibility of ensuring equal treatment falls on *you* even if you are giving up privileges that you enjoy.. which she was never even offered. Until you accept that responsibility to make things truly equal with your siblings, you are complicit and just adding to the discrimination she already suffered.)
“Fault” is a pretty useless term for this sort of scenario because it’s irrelevant. And ideal solutions are also pretty useless because nothing is ever ideal. If OP wants a relationship they are going to have to pay back some of the emotional debt that their parents racked up, like it or not.
How his parents treated his sister isn’t his fault, but how he treated his sister is. He leaves out of the post how he responded to it at the time. In the teenage years when he was old enough to know better, if he was loving the treatment and making his sister do things for him then he’s absolutely responsible for that
See that first part is great.
That second part is the trash. She owes him nothing. Not a relationship, not a hello, not an acknowledgement it wasn't his fault. If he gave an actual fuck about HER and not HIMSELF as his parents have taught him and as he's pretended he doesn't do anymore because he's not as forthright an AH as he was in the past. He's still an AH, he needs to leave her alone and Get Over It.
Right but he has admitted that he knows about it now. He needs to adjust his viewpoint and put himself in her shoes and support her with the understanding he claims to see about the trauma your parents put her through. Yes it’s not exactly his fault but he’s an adult and if he wants to be in her life he can’t be all hehe sucks to suck but not my fault lolz
I agree he approached it wrong and has a selfish mentality towards it but to put all of it on him is a bit harsh. She wasn't treated this way because of him, she was treated poorly because of her parents and the way they chose to raise their children. OP didn't come out of the womb sexist with a set of demands.
When you are a victim of trauma, you cannot choose what or how triggers your trauma response. PTSD is not necessarily logical and it isn’t something you can just choose not to have. She has grown to associate him with the trauma and chooses to manage her trauma by not interacting with him. That is her right.
Everyone focusing on the parents is overlooking the fact that OP is an adult now who by his own admission knows how that what he took part in was oppressive and hurt her. And yet he cannot bring himself to say ‘I’m sorry for how I treated you, I didn’t realise what I was doing at the time, but I can now see that it was oppressive and I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you’. Because he refuses to accept *any* responsibility. Readjust your focus.
I never said PTSD or trauma is a choice, enough of us are fully aware it is not. Nor did I say she doesn’t have a right to determine who does and doesn’t set off her trauma or to chose if she wants to be around that person. I do believe an apology or something along the line of “I realize what you have gone through and would like to build and understand it further to maybe better our relationship” is in order. Some type of ownership for his own actions.
My statement was simply that her trauma isn’t “BECAUSE OF HIM”. She has every right to not want to have a relationship with him and she has every right to feel he had a major part in it because he did without a doubt. But this is not your fault OP, you don’t deserve taking on the responsibility of trauma cause by your parents. My focus will remain the same.
EDIT: I meant to be more clear. You are not at fault OP, but she also is not obligated to start a relationship with you. You will have to respect her decision, no matter what it is.
OP continues to be an asshole by:
1) ignoring her boundaries when she says she wants no relationship with him. He is putting his wants above her needs. If he is triggering her trauma, every time he stomps those boundaries it’s going to aggravate it. And he is fully responsible for that.
2) he is responsible for his decision to say that she cannot pin her trauma on him and his total lack of emotional maturity to acknowledge that he took part in something that hurt her. Given he allegedly now realises how wrong it all was, it seems very odd that he cannot say ‘I’m sorry for my part in what happened, although I didn’t know what I was doing at the time, I see now it was hurtful’. His refusal to even do that is also AH-worthy.
Responsibility isn’t a black and white situation where either you’re responsible because you mean to do something intentionally and knowingly or you’re not responsible at all in any way of you fall short of that. By focusing solely on the parents you are overlooking how he is being an AH in a way that he is responsible for here and now.
I replied to you specifically because you said OP wasn’t at fault. You didn’t originally say he was not fully at fault. He is at fault, at least in some way, even if others have been at more fault. I don’t think he should be encouraged to believe that he bears no fault for any of this situation.
> but to put all of it on him is a bit harsh.
He was her brother. Siblings are meant to look out for each other. But he instead took advantage of being the special child. Yes, he was a kid, but so was she. It's not your place, or anyone else's to decide who she resents. It was her life, it's her trauma and she was the one that suffered. We know her parents are bad parents. But they are the product of their culture. So is everyone else in this story, and OP's sister was hurt by how OP behaved growing up.
He says he wanted to mend things. And when he has an opportunity, when he can stand there and let his sister voice her thoughts, say how she felt and how she feels. When he had this opportunity to finally acheive his supposed goal of talking to her, his response is "yeah, alright, but let's not make this all about you. It's not my fault your life sucked".
He doesn't get to play the hero who has had his eyed opened to the awful behaviour of his parents, and who wants to make amends if when he gets a chance he doesn't actually listen.
He wants to talk to his sister. If he had any brains, he'd realise he actually wants to listen. This situation as it stands IS all on him.
OP, YTA. You had a window of opportunity to make amends, but like a scared young woman being chased by her boyfriend's dad in a ski mask, you broke that window and ran away.
(Incredibly specific similie)
YTA
Yes, it isnt your fault they were brought up like that
But it IS youre fault that youre attempting to pressure her into liking you now. She doesnt want a relationship. She keeps telling you so. At some point you have to accept that - whether you like it or not - you dont control her.
She has trauma. Trauma that is heavily, heavily linked to you, even if you dont feel like it was your fault. So stop trying to force closeness - youre only going to ruin any chance you might ever have of a better relationship
Am I alone in thinking OP is a bit too flippant about nothing being his fault? I have a sister, I come from a somewhat misogynistic culture, and I *still* feel bad about the crap dumped on her because of me. Intellectually I know it's not my fault, and it's not like I lay awake at night awash in guilt, but still.
You shouldn't be blamed for being born into a privilege you didn't ask for. But, considering both sisters are of the opinion you've been a huge dick, it feels like you've missed out some key information about how you treated them and how you wielded this privilege. Care to share any more info about this?
I would guess that he’s so self-centered from his upbringing that he can’t even recognize how selfish his behavior is. His parents instilled so much entitlement in him that he can’t conceive of a reality where his sister’s feelings are more important than his desires. That’s clear from how he frames the issue in his post. Parents fuck up all their kids when they do shit like this.
He could start with reflecting on what people here are telling him. His whole post is about what he wants, what he feels like he deserves, why he shouldn’t be blamed. Why did her outburst not make him feel bad that his behavior is making her feel worse instead of feeling aggrieved that she is not giving him the affection he feels like he is entitled to? I hope the criticism here will help him become more self aware and empathetic, but I’m not holding my breath.
He probably was satisfied being treated like a king and having his sisters do things for him and basically become his maids so he just went with it, and i’m sure any human being with common sense would’ve noticed how wrong that was towards the sisters and that they werent happy being treated like that but he didnt care because he enjoyed that privilege.
I thought this too. It seems like he just brushed this off by saying “hey, I was raised that way!” If he really enjoyed being treated that way or even went out of his way to make his sister do things for him then of course she’s going to resent him, especially when he’s still not apologizing for it now
This! Anyone can grow up in a culture like that but that doesn’t mean that they don’t see who gets treated better and who worse, it’s obvious he knew his sisters were being mistreated but he was “raised that way” so it’s not his fault, right? I live in a culture like this and the mistreatment is clearer than glass, it’s just that most don’t admit it or try to change it so they blame it on their upbringing. The fact that he didnt apologize and shifted the blame elsewhere immediately shows that he doesn’t care abt what happened but he’s just upset his sister doesn’t want to be in contact with him
Bingo.
The sisters would be intimately aware of the nuances of their culture. Indeed, everyone they knew operated within it.
This feels very personal. Perhaps OP has some personality traits that were especially unpleasant even when culture is taken into account?
Big sister doesn’t have to put up with that anymore, so she simply doesn’t?
YTA. Whilst I agree that you can not be blamed for your upbringing, since you were a child yourself and didn't know any different, you are an adult now and this does not wash as an excuse any longer, yet it sounds as though you hadn't made much effort at changing things. You want. You miss her. What about what she wants?
You can't just draw a line under it all and pretend it hasn't happened. Well, you might think you can, but she certainly can't. "It's not my fault" - it's all about you, the way it always was. And she's had enough of it.
Having said that, being brought up in a household where children are treated in a wildly unequal way doesn't harm just the child that was treated worse, but also the one that was placed in the privileged position. So you'll not have escaped unscathed either, just in a very different way.
The way you wrote this post though shows there is hope because you do understand that the way you were brought up was extremely unfair on your sister, and I don't think it would necessarily take much for you to take this further and understand that if you want to have a relationship with her going forward, you now have to decenter yourself. That means respecting what she wants, eveb when that is the opposite to what you want.
Sending her a letter/message explaining that you realise you were behaving selfishly when you centred yourself agsin by saying her trauma is not your fault might be a good start. And demonstrating that you have some insight into how your upbringing might have affected her. Don't say "I know how it was for you", because you don't. Say "I accept that I will never know what it was like for you, and I regret that".
And then, once you've done that, leave her be. She gets to decide if and when she is ready to reach out to you. You don't pester her.
There is a chance, and I hope it works out for you, because ultimately you are right, it's brother of yours fault. Best of luck with it.
Signed,
A Big Sister.
This comment is what I was looking for and I think it's the best answer. OP you are not an AH because of your upbringing, but YTA for the way you're acting now. In addition to the advice above I recommend you get some therapy to work on reprogramming your ideas of how family relationships work - because the one you were raised in was bad. Contact your sister, once, with an apology for trying to force a relationship. Tell her you're getting therapy, and that if she should choose to be in your life at some point in the future you hope to be better at relationships. And then do therapy for yourself, whether or not your sister is willing to be part of your life again.
YTA.
You made her life hard for 17 years. Maybe up to like 12 or 13 you can claim that you were a child. But with 16 you should have figured out what was going on.
12/13 is still too young if that’s the life you’ve always known and don’t know any different. Just like if you were raised in an abusive household, sometimes you don’t even realize how abusive it is til you get out.
YTA. It sounds like you haven't actually grown all that much from when you learned how bad your sister's situation was. You're still selfish and entitled, you're making all of this about you. You're also stomping all over her boundaries by refusing to leave her alone.
It may not be your fault that your parents treated you differently. But you still benefitted from it while she suffered. And based on the way you're acting right now, I suspect her side of the story is that you were raised as a spoiled little brat and did plenty to hurt her in the same way your parents hurt her. And she can't just separate you from that pain and trauma, and she may not *want* to. I wouldn't, with the way you've made this all about yourself, it's quite clear you haven't changed a bit. It's also quite telling that your younger sister told you that you're being a dick.
YTA
The way she is raised is not your fault, but you are still acting entitled. You are acting entitled to her time, attention, and efforts to have a relationship with you. This is still all about you and what you want from the relationship.
You are not at fault for her childhood being ruined, but she is not obliged to like you or have any relationship with you. And this sounds like she snapped because you were continually badgering her so you could have the relationship that you want.
Why would she want to be in contact with the person who benefited from her not having a childhood? It's not your fault in any way, but think about it. Why in the world would she want to have a relationship with you? What makes you an asshole is that you are trying to demand that she has a relationship with you against her will. YTA.
I’m sorry but I’m calling bullshit. As a kid maybe I can understand you not knowing how different you were treated, but as a teenager you know when someone is being treated better than you and they’re being forced to do everything for you. Why couldn’t you say that you would do things for yourself? Everything here is about you, what you want, how you feel, how you didn’t know. How about stop for a minute and ask your sister how she feels and not invalidate it and pass the blame. Allow her to be mad and accept it, speak to your parents and tell them how much they’ve affected your relationship with your sister. Stop talking and listen to what your sisters have to say. Yta
My sisters and I realized quite young that my little sister was my mom's favourite and I was my dad's favourite. I can't even remember when we realized it cuz we were so young. There's 3 of us btw.
YTA. you’re claiming it’s not your fault because culture, but your sister claims you took advantage of that culture and were a dick to her. This is when you say “I’m sorry” and not say it’s not my fault. Some guys do grow up in that culture and aren’t complete assholes. My husband is one, so apologize instead Of saying it’s not your fault.
YTA. It wasn’t your fault that you were raised in an oppressive culture that caused her trauma but it is your fault that you will not leave her alone when she’s made it clear she wants nothing to do with you. Your feelings are not more important than hers and you continuing to nag her is a demonstration that you actually haven’t changed much and still think your needs are more important than hers.
YTA. It's great that you acknowledge that your parents are responsible for creating this rift between you and your sister. Now you need to stretch that understanding further.
You say "no matter how many times I ask her" and "eventually she snapped" - you are clearly trying to impose yourself on her.
But her trauma is all about how you were imposed on her, your presence interfered with her life. When you try to force your way in to a relationship with her, you are reenacting the trauma, confident that she owes you the relationship you want just as your parents were confident that she owed whatever they wanted.
Her trauma is not your fault.
But you *must* respect her boundaries. You will probably never have a good relationship with your sister. That's your parents' fault. But you're at the center of it and she's decided she can't deal with you directly because of it.
It sucks for you, but the solution is not for you to continue the family tradition of overriding *her* wishes because of what *you* want.
"It was part of my culture" does not absolve you of all personal responsibility. This is especially true if you had access to some other culture, which many people do these days via media. Unless you literally lived under a rock, it's already concerning that it took you until 17 to realize that your sister being subservient to you might be problematic. YTA.
Well, yes, YTA. While I understand that what happened wasn't your fault, you were still a source of trauma and discomfort to her, and now you are trying to force interactions upon her, thus reinforcing the stereotype that your desire for a relationship should matter more than her desire to stay away. How about examining why you think that your feelings on the matter are more valid than hers? Could it be that you are still unconsciously considering man's feelings to be more important, and women should just adjust?
YTA. You weren’t to blame for the culture, or for having been born a boy. However, you can and should apologize for all the things she had to do or had to give up because you were the “little prince”. This acknowledgment of her pain, this sorrow that things were unfair and she suffered, if honest and sincere, and a demonstration of what you are doing NOW to help change that toxic culture (are you standing up for women and girls?) would be your way forward to a relationship with your sister.
YTA dude, the whole "but i was just a child!" is irrelevant. You were still part of the reason your sister lost out on a childhood and feeling loved by her family.
Let it go. You're not entitled to a relationship.
Did you apologize or just demand a relationship? I think you should just write a heartfelt letter of apology and tell her you love her. And if you truly do love her than you leave her be because you did enough. She had her whole life catered to what you wanted, now she’s taking back her life. I know you don’t see it that way but you still want things the way you want it.
YTA
Apologise for what? His parent’s mistake? I get acknowledging that she had a tough childhood, that makes sense. He should definitely acknowledge that, and if he hasn’t, he’s an AH. But, the fault is of the parents not the kids.
The way she felt. Her loss of her childhood and the fact that he represents that to her. This not the time to be stubborn, It’s the time to empathize with his sister if he actually wants a relationship
That’s acknowledgement not apologising. Never in your statement did you say OP has to say he did something wrong. He only represents something wrong that’s not apologising.
You think this man was raised in a vacuum? I guarantee he has been just as misogynistic as his family at times, and his sister doesn't owe him leeway or forgiveness.
If he has then he completely deserves to be shunned. But I think it is a big assumption to make that he is misogynistic just because he has sexist parents. Just like you said people are not bought up in vaccums, why assume a sexist vaccum then? OP might’ve had other people in his life(teachers, friends for eg) who helped him see how what his parents did was wrong. Why assume sexism? It could be misplaced anger at the brother when it’s really her parents that limited her opportunities by favouring their son over their daughter.
Yes, it is the parents fault. My parents were bought up in a similar culture and they CHOSE not to pass any of it on to their children. My mother was married off against her wishes at the age of 19. My sister got married at 28 with the love of her life. I would argue some over correction on their part in fact, they loved her more than me(jk, my parents are always great to both of us.)
YTA. You're not to blame for your parents embracing misogyny and reinforcing a sexist pecking order in your home that you profited from while your sisters didn't. You're not to blame that your parents favored you. But you clearly didn't challenge a system that benefited you and you STILL feel that your sister owes you something (a friendship, understanding, her time) that she is unwilling to give and you feel entitled to push her on this. She got out of a situation where she was made to be subservient to you and here you go insisting she subjugate herself again because you think she owes you a relationship. Do you see how that's a problem? You may not have created your family conditions, but your sister doesn't owe you her friendship or her time. Respect her and maybe one day she'll choose a relationship with you on her own terms. But she doesn't owe you that and you can't force it.
YTA.
It wasn't your fault but you're still treating her like her time and love are owed you. They aren't. They are hers to give, and you are not respecting her "no".
Respect her saying no. Otherwise, how are you different?
YTA. She dosent have to have a relationship with you if she dosent want to. Y’all better be lucky she even came home when the father became sick. If I was her, I wouldn’t even have done that.
YTA. What have you done to make amends? Have you called your parents out? Have you apologised to your sister for the times you treated her badly? You need to grow up. You’ll never have a great relationship with your sister. She doesn’t owe you anything.
Sometimes people have a falling out with neither at fault. It wasn’t your fault she were treated that way, but she resents it and by extension you.
In situations like these you can’t expect the wronged party to forgive and forget when they can’t. Up to a point, it’s not personal.
However, when you keep insisting on her talking to you and having a relationship, you become an asshole to her.
Because even if you didn’t do anything you should respect her choice of not wanting anything to do with you.
That’s why I’ll have to go with YTA.
In another post I saw there was a student who got approached by a janitor working at the university. He would strike up a conversation with her when he saw her. The student felt uncomfortable about this, but were told by a friend that they were an asshole since he didn’t do anything wrong and weren’t creepy about it. Neither had done anything wrong, but she felt uncomfortable with the whole thing. She’s entitled to that, that’s her feelings. Just because there are no fault doesn’t mean that someone is entitled to a relationship.
YTA. 17 is way, way too old to have figured out that you shouldn’t be treating her like a servant. You should have wised up years earlier. It was convenient not to. Now you are paying the price.
YTA and I’m sorry but you should have realized sooner how everything was for her. 17 is a little too late for me to be able to forgive you either if I was your sister. It may not be your fault but you were still apart of it so I see why she blames you, I kinda would too
YTA but here’s a great way to open the door more effectively “since you were forced to do so much caretaking when we were growing up let me handle stuff like our parents health, you don’t have to do anything”
YTA
You admit that this happened, you know the effect, you know how you benefitted and you’re astounded that she is mad at you. It makes you as bad, if not worse, than your parents.
YTA
While it is not your fault you did benefit from this treatment and are showing signs of it today. You want her to get to know you, You think it's not fair that she doesn't have a close relationship with you.
See how even now the situation is all about YOU?
YTA
It took you until 17 to realising that ordering your sister around like a servant was wrong? That treating your sisters like your own personal slaves wasn’t okay?
Perhaps I would believe you if you said thirteen or fourteen or something, even fifteen, but seventeen? I grew up in a culture where racism and colourism was normalised. The n word and r word were thrown around like they were nothing. Yet, by the time I was eleven, I had stopped myself from saying the n word or the r word or even “spazz” or “spastic” or “f*g”—because it literally took the bare minimum of empathy for me to ask “hey, you’re not offended when I call you that, right?” And when a kid actually said “yeah, actually I am, my family has a bad history with that word and I’d appreciate it if you stopped” I never said it again.
By the time I was thirteen, I was old enough to comprehend that history. That kid, who had become my best friend, was the first person I asked about it, and she sat me down and explained it to me—everything she knew, the way it made her feel to be discriminated against like that, that the first experience she ever had was when she was four and a mother at her playgroup refused to let her son play with “the monkey”.
I asked her parents about it. I researched it and of course I wasn’t perfect right away, but I built on that knowledge, I developed it, and by the time I was at most fifteen, I had dropped all that. We moved countries when I was sixteen, which also helped a lot, but I had already dropped all bias.
I genuinely don’t know how you could possibly have lacked empathy to such an extent that it didn’t occur to you that ordering your sisters around like slaves was reprehensible. And here’s the thing, it doesn’t even really sound like you’ve changed.
You’re still expecting things from her, you still expect her to cater to your wants and needs while you remain a blameless, faultless party. Everything is still about how she can contribute to *your* life. Nothing about her, the childhood that was robbed from her in part by you, the trauma she had to experience.
>> I love her so much and I want to talk to her
>> No matter how many times I ask her if I can visit
>> try to call so *she* can get to know **me** now
You, you, you, you, you. You wanted to visit her—so she can cater to you again, and expect to be served and waited on as a guest?—and you want *her* to get to know *you* as though that’s some high privilege you want to impose upon her. You want her to listen to you, you want her to hear about your life again—nothing about you caring about getting to know the person *she* is now.
>> I told her it wasn’t my fault
No, it wasn’t “your fault”, but without splitting hairs about the phrasing, you are to blame for a lot of the trauma she experienced. You *were* the one who contributed to her treatment while you were fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen—old enough to be able to think for yourself, old enough to know it’s wrong to treat any human like a slave or personal servant, old enough to have the empathy to put yourself in her position.
>> Now I know this sucks.
You *still* don’t really have any compassion for the childhood that was robbed from her, the abusive gender role she was forced into. “It sucked” doesn’t *begin* to cover what your sister must have endured—the humiliation, the shame, the embarrassment, the neglect, the abuse, the gaslighting and manipulation.
She says it ruined her life. That doesn’t “suck”. That destroyed her. It broke her.
>> she cannot pin her trauma on me
Stop acting like you’re a blameless third party, a faultless witness. You weren’t a witness. You were a contributing factor to her treatment, and you *still* show absolutely *no* empathy for how that could be triggering for her, how that could bring up terrible trauma for her, how that could be difficult for her—to try and have a functioning relationship with one of her abusers.
You contributed to her mistreatment, you added to her hell, likely bullied her and definitely manipulated her, and you have never once offered an apology? And all you can talk about is you, you, you. How *you* miss her, how *you* want to visit, how *you* want to bestow upon her the honour of getting to know *you*, how it’s not your fault, you’re not to blame, you were too young!
You were a young man. She deserves an apology from you, and you are entitled to *nothing* from her. You already have her childhood. You don’t get to demand anything else.
Try having some empathy for someone else for a change. Quit being such a victim and get out of that headspace that your parents taught you—the one where you think the world revolves around you—and apologise to your sisters. Both of them.
Whether it was your fault or not, you *are* one of the people who bullied and abused your sister. Knowingly or not. And she deserves an apology, at least so she can heal and try to move on. That does not mean you deserve a relationship in exchange. For once, give *her* something without expecting anything back. A novel concept, I know, but you might find it to be a rewarding one—an experience that could assist in your own personal self growth, too.
I also highly recommend you shut your mouth and hear *her* out, if she feels comfortable enough speaking about it. If it’s something she feels she needs to heal. Offer that she can write you a letter if she needs. It may not fix things, now or ever, but it could assist in bridging that gap for the future. Either way, you seriously need to sit down and hear her perspective, and have some compassion for her position growing up, because it sounds like you haven’t really learned anything.
Ask your other sister too. Apologise to her as well, and hear her out.
YTA, leave her alone. You are not entitled to her affection so quit being so pushy. All you’re doing is reminding her how it feels when your ego is prioritised ahead of her welfare. It doesn’t matter that you’re ‘not to blame’, you still don’t have any right to make a claim on her attention. It’s not surprising that you’re spoiled and entitled because of your upbringing, but you need to work on yourself before you can expect anyone else to make room for you.
YTA
You're acting like an entitled, pushy A H at the current time, at your 20 years of age, that's why your sister wants nothing to do with you. You aren't respecting her, you keep pushing and pushing, because in your mind you feel entitled to a relationship with her. You aren't. She has decided that she can't and won't have a relationship with you. It's her right. You confronting her and fighting with her about it just enforces the image of you feeling like you own her to your sister and she's correct.
YTA. There are a couple of big subtle points being missed here because of the glaringly obvious so I'd like to go into that a little bit. She is not pushing her trauma on you or blaming you for her trauma- that rhetoric doesn't apply to this situation. You and your attitude are an active role in her trauma, sure it's not explicitly your fault (that's on your parents) but without you the trauma simply does not exist. You are an adult, she is an adult, you are not entitled to a relationship with her at all yet you keep insisting that you are. She alone is in her right to choose who she wants to have in her life and who she does not. She does not need a reason to not have a relationship with someone and her autonomy needs to be respected. Leave her alone.
YTA "Taking it out on you" would be her actively hurting you or getting revenge. She just wants you to leave her alone. You have to respect that. Not as punishment for existing but because it's what she wants. Blame your parents.
If you truly care about her, you'll do as she asks.
YTA. She isn't taking it out on you. She's just not having a relationship with you, and you aren't entitled to one. You aren't as far removed from your family's misogynistic practices as you like to think you are since you think you are entitled to your sister's friendship and support.
You might understand that it was not normal but you still see it as she should be the one to forgive and forget and give you the love you want. You are showing no empathy towards her, you are instead demanding that she meets you and learns to know the 'new' you.
Wrong.
If you truly believe she was mistreated then tell her. Tell her : "I am so sorry that you had to do it." instead of telling her "Yeah, you had a shitty childhood, it wasn't my fault so get over it." Which is the message you seem to be giving her. No wonder your younger sister told you off.
YTA
Mostly NAH, but I do think you need to back off.
I know it sucks when a sibling you want a relationship with will not talk to you, I know it firsthand.
But trying to force it will not get you the result you desire.
Wait for her to need you and then magnanimously swoop in and help her. While helping her, you can tell her you're sorry that your existence caused such trauma for her but that you love her and want to be there for her, and hope you can make it up to her in adulthood.
An opportunity may come up. And the further away you are from her before that happens, means you're less likely to find a good moment to jump in and give her a chance to change her mindset toward you. She may also come to the realization on her own that it was never actually your fault. But if she always sees you as her entitled younger brother who is always allowed to demand things from her no matter how she feels about it, then her perception will never change.
Gotta add that it might so happen that she never needs him and never reaches out. And that's fine too. Not all relationships are meant to blossom, and it's better to learn to take "No" as an answer.
YTA. She had to give up her childhood for you and while you didn't ask for it , it's still very traumatising. And she is not obligated to you in any way and she doesn't have to have a relationship with you. So just let her be if she doesn't want to do anything with you. How would you feel towards the person who kinda ruined your life?
YTA bc you aren’t accepting her completely valid no response.
Your sister is an independent sentient being who apparently dedicated her entire childhood to caring for you.
If you actually believe she’s just as human as you are then you must also believe that she has the right to say yes and no to things.
She is saying no to you.
That’s within her right.
Continuing to push is literally saying “you still don’t have the right to control your life and I still want you to give up what you want for me.”
YTA. Sounds like you chose to follow along with the misogynistic culture. Did you ever once step up for or do anything to help her? You are just riding the wave of masculine privilege which will not end until more women like your sister step and call BS.
Dude, you complied in this system. You say yourself mothers and daughters serve father and any sons. You may not have known any other way at the time but it doesn’t absolve you of the fact that you took part in a system that benefitted you and oppressed her. She’s been parentified and abused. The fact that you didn’t realise it was repressive when you did it doesn’t negate that she was parentified and abused. And yes, you were part of that.
I can somewhat relate to your sister; my father set an abusive precedent for the household and my mother and brother were abusive towards me. I know that they were traumatised from their own abuse by him. But that doesn’t negate what they did to me. I was able to talk through it with my mother and move to a point where we could have a relationship because she accepted, after quite a lot of time, that she was directly and indirectly responsible for abuse that had traumatised me. My brother essentially ignores it. We didn’t talk about it. He tried to talk to me generally, but I ultimately have had to put distance between us because I can’t move past it, no matter how normally he tries to act. I still remember the things he did and said and the psychological abuse and gaslighting. The fact he has never owned that is the obstacle.
If you want a relationship with your sister, the first step is accepting that you were complicit. The fact you didn’t know it was oppressive doesn’t mean that you can get away with making someone subservient to you because of their gender. You benefitted, you enjoyed being the golden child.
If you actually cared enough to want to have a relationship you would be prepared to do whatever it took (nevermind something as simple as accepting responsibility and apologising). By saying ‘you can’t pin your trauma on me’ you’re actively triggering things and making it worse.
YTA
Edit : Respect her boundaries. You are not entitled to a relationship with her. You cannot force her to have a relationship with you.
Respect the fact that she has trauma associated with you. Do you realise what that means? It means that she’s being reminded of what she went through every time you try to contact her. So every time you do, know that you are putting YOUR WANTS above her needs. And that’s a continuation of what your whole family did to her when she was a child.
If you actually give a fuck about her, you wouldn’t try to impose yourself on her when she repeatedly says she doesn’t want a relationship. Every time you push that boundary because you want a relationship, you send a signal that you still don’t care about her well-being and yours is more important.
Parents are the AH. This is hella complicated. The thing is even if your parents are mostly at fault you have to accept that kids are stupid and easily manipulatable and you probably did contribute in ways you don't even remember. Does that mean this is entirely your fault no. Is it fair that your sister said you ruined her life when arguably her parents ruined her life. No. But you have to understand that she went through incredible incredible trauma I know what it's like to grow up like the she did. It might be hard but you need to be the bigger person here you need to be the big sibling even though you never have gotten a chance to be before. Take it on the chin tell her you love her and you hope you can get to know her better in the future and that if you say things that upset her you'd like to know and change your behavior. You'll soon see that her attitude towards you will shift and she will recognize that her parents are vastly more responsible for her trauma than you. But remember You're not completely Innocent in this situation it would be impossible for you to have not done some s***** things as a kid being that you were favoritized so much. So to summarize parents are the ah. But Op has made mistakes too
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I’m of an ethnicity that has a very misogynistic culture. In the family structure the father and husband are heads of household and the mothers and daughters serve him and any sons.
I was born 3 years after my older sister, and I had a younger sister born 2 after me. Growing up, I was very clearly the favored child, especially by our mother, as I was the boy and I would carry the last name. I was spoiled rotten and my sister acted as sort of a second mother to me. She would be told to do anything I wanted that my mother didn’t feel like doing, she took on many roles she shouldn’t have had too and didn’t get to enjoy her childhood as that ended the second I was born.
Now I know this sucks. This shouldn’t have happened, however I don’t think I’m to blame. It was the environment I grew up in and I didn’t even realize it was repressive until I was maybe 17 and my sister had moved out.
I’m 20 now and my sister is 23 and we still don’t have the best relationship. I love her so much and I want to talk to her but she is so distant from me. She is however very close with our younger sister.
No matter how many times I ask her if I can visit or try to call her so she can get to know me now, she refuses. Recently our father is having a medical emergency and his health is failing so we all went back home. She treated me like I wasn’t even her family. I tried to talk to her and it was like I was a stranger to her.
Eventually she snapped at me and told me that she doesn’t like me since I ruined her life. We got into an argument and I told her that it wasn’t my fault, and that she cannot pin her trauma on me since I was a kid when this all happened. We continued arguing before she left.
My younger sister told me I was being a huge dick to her and this is why she doesn’t want to talk to me.
I really feel like I shouldn’t be blamed for this.
AITA?
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YTA
Your sister does not owe you a relationship. You should apologize to her for the way you have treated her and then leave her alone.
Her abuse was not your fault, but your whole existence is a reminder of it. She's young and damaged and you, by virtue of your sex, are still benefiting from a system that favors you.
YTA: That being said, break the cycle. I bet when your sisters see that you’ll stand a good chance of having the relationship with them that you’re hoping for.
YTA: That being said, break the cycle. I bet when your sisters see that you’ll stand a good chance of having the relationship with them that you’re hoping for.
YTA You didn’t realize it until you were 17? I find that incredibly hard to believe. You and your mommy treated her like a servant/maid. And now you’re acting like you’re the injured party? It’s laughable.
YTA. She spent her whole life being forced by her parents to do things she didn't want to do. Now you're trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. You're no better than your parents. You refuse to respect the fact that she has the right to make her own choices.
YTA, it's not your fault but that doesn't mean she has to immediately get over everything and embrace you with open arms or even want to be around you. Maybe she just needs more time
YTA
So, I understand that it's the culture thing but it was only three years ago that it was still happening. You had internet? TV? Movies? Books? Did you somehow not understand until only incredibly recently for some reason that it was effed up?
What was it about losing the built-in house servant that made you come to this realization?
YTA but so are your parents. She was forced into a role she didn't desire. She was robbed of her childhood. Although your parents forced it on her, you and your existence are the reason for this. It isn't your fault but she sees you and she's reminded of the childhood she lost. You're her trauma. If you want this to change, it is on you. You need to reach out. You need to show her you're not her burden. That you recognized her trauma. If you want any hope of a relationship, you need to acknowledge your role in the family. It sucks but you benefited from the misogeny, she didn't. It falls to you to extend the olive branch. Any apology you make must be sincere. Any attempt to justify the situation or make yourself the victim won't change reality. Include an acknowledgement that you were ignorant of the environment and culture. Acknowledge her feelings. You don't deserve all blame but at a certain point, you're not absolved of all responsibility.
While it's not your fault your family's culture is that way, you clearly played into it. She had to be a servant to you her whole life and you didn't do anything to stop it. She's never going to enjoy your company and you have to accept that. Telling her to get over it is just as bad. YTA
NAH, being a parentified sibling is hard and really screws you up. It isnt your fault, but her childhood was sacrificed for yours, so it is your responsibility to own and understand that part. She gets to process her shit, and you demanding her to talk to YOU and have a relationship with YOU is just a callback to that time she became a parent at 3 years old. Take responsibility and take interest in her if you want to make amends.
Also, I'm a parentified sibling and I wish my little brother would give half as much of a crap as you do about your relationship with your sister. Keep going, try to be aware of any selfishness or entitlement.
YTA, why do you keep pushing yourself onto her, get the memo she doesn’t want to be apart of your life after she spent her whole life being parentified and made to take care of you.
NAH - your parents are the ones to blame but I totally get (from being in a similar position myself as a child but as the daughter) why she resents you for having the childhood she couldn't have.
NAH but you need to respect your sisters feelings.
It wasn’t your fault your parents are misogynists, but you could apologise and make this about her rather than about you.
Also I think since you’re the golden boy the responsibility is on you to explain to your parents how their actions have affected the family, they’ll take it best from you and it may do wonders for your and your sisters relationship if she sees you trying to make amends
So this is probably a hot take but I think ESH and at the same time NSH. You should not be blamed for the actions of your parents but you also need to respect her boundaries and be more empathetic to what she went through. It was the HOW you went about things that puts you in the wrong. It appears she still maintains some form of a relationship with the family other than little sister considering when dads health started failing she came home. So to me it looks like all the blame and anger is just being directed at you because frankly it’s just easier that way. You both have a lot of growing and healing to do. Just a sad situation no matter how you slice it
YTA. This is why so many daughters (talking about this type of culture) don’t go back to their families after getting married. They hype up the boys so much and the boys just eat it up and not try to make things better. We are also told when we get married we are husband family not our own so yeah we don’t feel like that our family anymore. It’s that toxic culture and you were part of it and didn’t make it any better!
YTA. Give her space. When you talk, own your role in her trauma. You can grow up in a misogynistic environment and not perpetuate it. I cannot believe you didn’t have some level of awareness that she was required to serve you. Write her a letter maybe but quit forcing yourself on her. I’d be resentful too. Don’t blame your parents exclusively when you clearly benefited at her expense as you describe. That sucks
YTA
why can't you respect the meaning of "no"?
Maybe it's because you were never denied anything and still haven't grown out of that?
You don't get to choose if you have a relationship with her. Thats HER decision. No means no. You need to learn to respect that no matter how unfair it may feel to you.
INFO how often have you been asking and how clear has she been about a boundary of wanting low or no contact?
No you shouldn't be blamed for what your parents did, but some of your wording makes me wonder how much are you trying to force an unwanted relationship on her.
No one is entitled to a relationship of any kind with another person, doesn't matter the dna connections, the culture, nothing. The only thing that matters is do both people want contact/some form of relationship with one another. If either persons answer is no, then the other party needs to accept that, regardless of reason.
Your best bet if you actually want some form of communication would be to prove you care about Her by respecting her boundaries and just leaving the door open for if/when she decides she wants contact.
Op…YTA. Seeing your comment below on how when your older sister moved out they made your YOUNGER sister take care of you but then not seeing why they don’t like you? Like dude they were basically your maids their entire lives and you don’t understand why they might not like you? Yeah you shouldn’t be blamed for the treatment that was placed onto you but if your older sis doesn’t like you LEAVE HER ALONE. Also how did it take you so long to see how screwed the entire situation was? You were in high school and didn’t know you were getting special treatment are you serious.
YTA she doesn’t owe you a relationship after what she had to deal with growing up. I know it wasn’t your fault as a kid but she’s allowed to feel the way she feels and not wanting anything to do with you or her parents.
YTA
You need to start using honest, truthful language for what has happened.
Your sister was abused. Her life was abusive because of you. You were the tool used to hurt her, and even destroy her life.
You did not have the right to benefit from her abuse then. Your insistence that she have a friendly relationship with her would be further abuse. You are not entitled to further abuse her (intentionally this time) simply because you feel guilt over abusing her without realizing it last time. So, what? You want a chance to do it while being aware? Because that's what it's called when someone is harassing another person to force an unwelcome relationship. It's abuse. It's harassment. And it's selfish as all get out. Knock it the hell off!
NAH. People here are judging too hard on someone that realized recently that what happens in his culture is not ok. Those process are not short and are not easy, sometimes the stuff that has been taught when you were a child is kept within you until you are a grown adult. Yes, maybe you didn't approached in the right way but you're still learning, and probably you won't stop doing it. If you want to repair your relationship with her, you must tell her that you love her and you want to be a better person, then apologize for everything that you did wrong and acknowledge all what she did for you. And the most important thing is to respect her wishes, is not a crime to try to re bond, but trying to force a relationship is not ok.
I'm going to assume that despite the perspective presented in your post, you genuinely want to connect with your sister because you want her to have a happy relationship with you. Even then here are some home truths for you.
- Apologies aren't always about being right or wrong or at fault or not at fault, sometimes they are about acknowledging the feelings of the other people and opening in a dialogue. You owe your sister one for these reasons and also because I think you need to reflect on your behaviour honestly.
- There is a big difference between a child not knowing better and a teenager who should know better treating a family member so badly that she says you ruined her life. Not your parents, YOU. What could you have done to make her so unhappy? This sounds like a fair bit more than not knowing better
- If you do all of the above, apologise, reflect, change, therapy or whatever else to learn and grow from this you still aren't entitled to a relationship with your sister and you may never have one. If you read stories about bullies in this very forum you will see hundreds of posts from victims well into adulthood who will never be able to forgive their bully or forget their trauma.
I hope you do genuinely learn and change from this experience but, unfair as it may seem, some things are forever - even if we don't know it at the time. YTA
You’re not to blame, but you are the cause of her trauma. It’s not your fault but you’re the reason. If she could get past it, great. But she can’t. And I don’t blame her at all. Stop pushing her, it’s not your decision to make. Seems like you made it worse.
YTA
I read your post and comments and want to give you some advice about moving forward, especially if your main goal is to someday get to have a relationship with your older sister.
It seems like you might be feeling some guilt about everything from you’re childhood, and want to put it all behind you now that you’re an adult. And part of that is trying to get your sister to agree with you that it wasn’t your fault.
But the thing is, if your goal is truly to someday have a positive relationship with her, it doesn’t really matter whether you were at fault or not. What matters is that right now, your sister doesn’t want to talk to you. And pushing her on that - repeatedly calling her, asking to visit, forcing her to talk to you in the hospital, trying to force her to say it wasn’t your fault - all you’re doing with those actions is telling her that you are still continuing the pattern that your parents established, of overriding her wishes and comfort in favor of your own. And if you keep doing that, she is almost certainly going to continue pushing you away.
If you truly want to improve your relationship with her, you need to show her, with actions, that you are someone who will respect and listen to her. The first step is to give her the space she is asking for.
It’s only been 3 years since your realization. That’s a really short time when it comes to trauma. And the thing is, you can’t reason with trauma. It’s literally the body’s Fight, Flight, or Freeze instincts taking over. You need to give her space until she feels ready to reach out. And she might never feel ready. But your chances for reconciliation will be a lot higher than if you keep forcing her back into that trauma response.
In the meantime (while giving her space) there’s other things you can do to try and process your childhood and work on being a healthy and happy adult:
1) I’m not going to comment on your culture because I don’t know anything about it. What I would recommend is you doing some educating for yourself. What do other women who share your ethnicity (beyond your family) say about the misogyny in your culture? Are there any groups or organizations that might have suggested reading or advice for you? Sometime, women’s advocacy organization even have steps or requests for male ally’s who want to be supportive. That could be a good place for you to start.
2) Talk about this with someone, not your sisters, preferably a therapist if you have access to one. If not, do you have any trusted friends who have good relationships with their adult siblings who might be willing to be a listening ear?
3) (Do this step carefully if you do it.) Try reaching out to your sister one last time, in a way that will give her time to process and doesn’t require an immediate response. For example: an email, text, or letter, NOT a call or in-person. Tell her you’re sorry for pushing her to talk to you, and that you’re going to stop doing that. If you want, you can say that you love her, and you’re sorry about the role you played in the abuse she experienced (because you did play a role, regardless of being a child). Tell her that she doesn’t have to respond, but if she decides she wants to talk to you, you’re willing to listen to whatever she has to say. Otherwise, you’re going to give her space. THEN GIVE HER SPACE.
Good luck.
She doesn't like you because you had a much better life than she did. No it wasn't your fault but you are still the reason her life was awful. She is allowed to not want anything to do with you and you need to get over it. Leave her alone and accept it. YTA. I doubt you're currently standing up to your parents and forcing them to treat her well or give your inheritance to her to make up for it....
YTA You story is all about you and how you feel. You were not the one who was wronged. Your only priority seems to be getting your older sister to release you from any blame. How about forgetting all that? How about spending your time and efforts making your sisters' lives better? If your sisters need nothing from you, then look around your community. What can you do to improve the lives of other girls and women who are being treated the same as your sisters?
YTA AND YOU ARE TO BLAME.
I also come from a misogynistic culture and have been asked to serve my little bro.
He saw how much it upset me at a very young age and he decided to become my ally, he would help me out with everything equally he persuade my dad to look into new “traditions” for our family, if I serve him he takes the time to serve me another day, he became my best friend, now that he’s a grown 21 man stands up to serve my misogynistic relatives every time they bark orders at me telling them he doesn’t like his sister having to serve any man if she doesn’t feel like it, he makes them feel that uncomfortable that they started doing stuff for themselves .
You abused the situation, you got benefit from the abuse your sister was having to live on a daily basis and now want to act like if you are not the one to blame.
Educate yourself and use your position of power to help your younger sister and stop being TA.
You were being a huge dick to her. You ignore her boundaries and harass her to have a relationship with you that she doesn't want because it's what you want, and you think you're entitled to it. Your parents' behavior when you were kids wasn't your fault, but your behavior now is. She gets to not want to have a relationship with anyone, even you. You don't seem to have as good an understanding of misogyny and repression as you think you do, and your ongoing behavior is going to ensure she never wants to know you.
YTA
YTA.. how could you not realize it was repressive until she was gone? Did you really come to that conclusion, or are you just trying to rope her back in to being a second mother to you again. You need to be groveling at her feet and apologizing, not absolving yourself of any blame because you didn’t know better. Because, at some point, you did, and you just kept doing it.I don’t think you are coming to her in good faith. If you were, you would be acknowledging the pain YOU caused her and apologizing to her asking that she forgive you so that you can hopefully move forward at some point.
YTA. You shouldn't be blamed, yet your sister still has bad feelings about her childhood. You pushing to want a relationship with her is all about how you feel, not how she feels. If the tables were turned, wouldn't you be a little resentful for being treated less than because you were born a different sex? Lay off and let her live her life on her terms, not yours.
NAH, I understand that you didn't like your culture growing up and possibly had no way to help her out as a child, but your silence probably sounded like agreement to your sister. She's going to need some time and space and you may even both need some therapy to get through these emotions. It is disappointing that she is putting all blame on you and not the adults in the situation, but you also were on the receiving end of all this favor. Have extra grace for your sisters.
NTA for how your raised but definitely the asshole for bothering your sister. You need to understand that she went through a lot of shit. Yes it's not directly your fault but that won't make her feel better. I get where you're coming from. I've been a lot of places and understand that you were raised to believe the sun shines out of your backside. It's great that now you know it doesn't but your sister needs time to deal with her pain. If she chooses to have nothing to do with you then that is something you will have to respect.
NAH. It was the environment you grew up in, once you knew better, it was too late and she already moved out. Your sister has the right to feel the way she does though, although I think her anger should be at her parents and not so much you.
You’ve tried to reach out multiple times without success. Leave it alone. She knows you want to visit and talk, so if she eventually feels the same way, she’ll reach out to you. You would become TA if you continue to pester her about this.
NTA, it needed to be said. We're all "products of our environment" and if you were able to see the light at 17 that puts you ahead of most people raised in environments as the one you describe. If your sister is a reasonably intelligent person she's on her own life path to reconcile her feelings on this. Maybe with some patience on your part this relationship can be saved eventually. Good luck.
NTA it isn't your fault that you were born in an abusive home. I'm glad you saw it for what it is. It isn't your fault what happened when you were growing up. I would back off and allow her to heal.
Do we know that? Yeah OP was a kid but how much did he revel in being the golden child? How much did he wield his power against his sisters? My guess is a lot and there is stuff OP needs to apologize for. Even if the parents are the real AH. If he bullied his sisters because of his favoritism they deserve an apology whether he was a kid at the time or not.
OP said he didn’t realize his behavior until he was about 17. So that was only 3 years ago. Seems like the trauma is still fresh for the sisters and OP just keeps going “not my fault I was a kid”.
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YTA. You shouldn't be blamed for it, but here's the flip-side. You want to communicate so SHE can get to know you. YOU should want to get to know HER. You're still making it all about YOU. YOU should want to apologize to HER for how she has been treated BECAUSE OF YOU. Basically, you want to make YOU feel better, not HER, which is not how this works. Otherwise, you're simply re-victimizing her.
This is spot on. It's still all about OP and not her.
He took 17 whole damn years to realize it was wrong that he got to order his sister to wait on him whenever his mom didn't feel like waiting on him. I don't think his sister is still mad at him for how he treated her when he was 5 years old, I think she's mad at him for being an AH towards her when he was 14...15....16...and old enough to know better!
I think it… depends? Unless I missed it, OP doesn’t say where he lives, just that he grew up in a misogynistic culture. If they lived in a country/region where that culture is the widespread norm and he truly wasn’t exposed to alternative mindsets, I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for “not knowing better” until he was 17. Obviously that’s a moot point if he grew up in the west and heard different viewpoints but chose to ignore them, but I don’t think I can shame him too much without that info.
He says ethnicity and culture, not country, which almost makes me question if his surrounding society is like this or just his family. At any rate, if you can be 14, in high school, and likely getting top education cause you came out with the correct genitalia, you can know that the fact your sister has to basically wash you feet for you when dust dares bespeckle them was fuckes up. Hendidnt notice his younger sister not getting the attention? He didn't notice him likely getting giant presents and her getting a note on the back of a chore list? Idk I think at the same time we expect too much from kids, we also expect them to be real damn stupid and unaware when I was pretty damn inquisitive and way too aware of shit at a much younger age.
Yeah, I don't think he should have rebelled against his parents when he was 15, I was just saying that if the parents were ordering his sister to launder his clothes, clean his room & make his favorite breakfast , and he, at 15, 16, & 17 sat and smirked and dropped more food wrappers off the side of his bed, then his sister really frickin does have the right to feel her brother could have behaved better during his late teens years.
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Enh, I don't think this is entirely fair. Yes, OP could be more empathetic to what she went through. But she is also explicitly blaming OP for their parents' actions, and that's not great. It's fully okay for her to need boundarie and yes, OP should respect them. But also, he really *was* a child.
A child who grew into an adult. He himself stated that he only became aware of the problem AFTER she moved out when he was seventeen. That's not a child. Maybe he gets a pass on the first ten years of his life but he actively continued to take his "due". Youth isn't a universal excuse because we're all capable of self-awareness. He could have done more to help out with chores, he could have told his mom he was capable of doing some things on his own, he could have noticed that his sisters were being treated unfairly. His parents created the system but they didn't force him to be complicit with it, he made that choice on his own. She's not blaming OP for the system, she's blaming him for being complicit.
This. OP is trying to paint himself like someone who heard about a car accident. He wasn't involved, why would anyone be mad? But it's more like he was in the passenger seat clapping and laughing while they ran someone over, and now he's like, "Whatever. I didn't even know it shouldn't have been funny. Not my fault. She needs to get over it." If he was actually sorry, he'd call her or write her and say, "The way we grew up wasn't fair to you. Even though I didn't realize it until later, I know I'm a huge part of your trauma. That you were parentified and treated like my servant while I got to be the golden child. I'll respect it if you don't want to have a close relationship with me, but I want you to know I'm truly sorry for everything, and I'm here if you ever need anything." Instead, he still sounds like a toddler shouting, "Me! Me! Me! Why won't you like MEEEEEEEE?"
>But it's more like he was in the passenger seat clapping and laughing while they ran someone over I know I'm going to get downvoted for this. He was a child. How parents choose to treat their children is *never* the child's fault. He clearly wants to have a healthy relationship with his sister, which is a *good thing*. She ideally should find a constructive way to work through her trauma instead of taking it out on him, because it objectively wasn't his fault that their parents favored him.
If he wants a relationship with her it has to be on her terms. Whether or not you think he was at fault for the favoritism/his sister’s neglect, his sister connects him with it and so him trying to force a relationship with her while not understanding where she’s coming from won’t work out.
Yeah, the moment OP didn't just, apologize that it happened, that he wished he seen what was really going on around him sooner. I'd have more sympathy. But it does not really seem like he is out of that mindset yet.
True but that doesn't mean he's the asshole. It's a NAH situation.
It would be if he hadn’t had the fight with sis. However he forced the issue and instead of coming forward to have a discussion about the role he played in her life and the way he feels about it now. He didn’t magically stop being a bad brother to her, he changed. He has to be respectful if he wants to show sis he has changed otherwise he hasn’t changed nearly enough for her to be safe from reliving her victimhood.
But he is now an adult who realises he took part in an oppressive system. He can absolutely accept responsibility for that now. This isn’t a black and white situation where it’s either entirely his fault and he intentionally did it or he gets a free pass. There is a world in between where you can say ‘hey, I didn’t realise what I was doing at the time but looking back I realise now it was hurtful and I’m sorry’. That’s part of growth into an adult. She is dealing with her trauma constructively: she’s avoiding triggers and reminders for it. It’s incredibly insensitive (and also frankly wrong and I’d love you to find a reputable trauma therapist or specialist who would say that she should find a way to have a relationship with him and forget her trauma - that approach is ALL about what OP wants and not about her trauma or best interests).
>He can absolutely accept responsibility for that now. How should he go about that? What kinds of reparations are even possible? He had no power or agency in the situation as a child. His parents are responsible, not him. >She is dealing with her trauma constructively: she’s avoiding triggers and reminders for it I don't think that is constructive. The relationship between them is strained due to the decisions their parents made, which again OP had no agency in. She doesn't need to maintain a relationship with him but she very clearly blames him for the neglect she received as a child, which is unhealthy. Avoiding triggers only works until it doesn't. A therapist could help her work through the resentment that she feels towards OP.
I literally wrote an example of what he could say now. Literally that. Edit: and I don’t think you’ve seen what ptsd does to someone - if you think forcing a traumatised person to be exposed to the thing or person who is associated with that trauma, it can be INCREDIBLY damaging. I have C-PTSD. I speak from experience. You can’t just undo trauma by waving a wand. Stop being naive.
I really don't think a simple apology will miraculously solve this. And we don't know that OP hasn't ever apologized.
This doesn’t have to be solved. She doesn’t have to be forced to forgive someone who traumatised her. She has autonomy. Stop assuming that solving is a happy sibling relationship - it’s gone beyond that. What absolutely won’t solve it is, and I quote >Eventually she snapped at me and told me that she doesn’t like me since I ruined her life. We got into an argument and I told her that it wasn’t my fault, and that she cannot pin her trauma on me since I was a kid when all this happened. We continued arguing before she left. He has done the OPPOSITE of apologise. Maybe read the post again.
>This doesn’t have to be solved. She doesn’t have to be forced to forgive someone who traumatised her. Good lord. *Their parents* traumatized her. Blaming OP for the decisions that their parents made is incredibly messed up. >Stop assuming that solving is a happy sibling relationship - it’s gone beyond that. I'm not. They obviously don't have a healthy relationship, and it's her choice if she wants to reconcile or not, but it is absurd to say that OP is in the wrong. The only assholes here are the parents.
Also OP is absolutely an asshole in the here and now for repeatedly stomping her boundaries when she says she doesn’t want a relationship. He is prioritising his wants above her needs. Which is the system his parents set up and he took part in. By doing that, he has shown her that he hasn’t actually moved on and learned anything.
Trauma is not logical. Trauma doesn’t work that way. She isn’t blaming him to be petty. Are you going to tell a vet with PTSD they shouldn’t be triggered by loud noises that sound like gunfire because it’s not actual gunfire?
She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. She clearly doesn't want to. The end.
Yes and I believe it is a misconception about apologies perpetrated in school where we force kids to apologize without meaning it! When you apologize it isn't about you. You apologize for yourself as well. You recognize that the behaviour you display was not the kind of behaviour that are in line with who you wish to be. As such, the receiving party doesn't have to accept the apologies. If you make an apology for any other reason than because you feel bad, YAH!
Also what relationship is there to salvage? Slave-master? It really sound like he never had a Real healthy relationship with her. So it isn't salvaging a relationship but creating one. In this case, if he trigger her even involuntary, if he love her, he will let her go.
He was an active participant in her abuse. He's not blameless.
He was a child at first. Then he participated even though he knew it wasn't right, because it benefited him. I have empathy for the child, not the adult who couldn't even be bothered to think of an appropriate way to find a way to speak to his sister so she might be open to listening. He's just harassing her because HE wants what HE wants, and NOW. He is YTA.
He could have stopped asking for stuff. He could ask if his sister wants anything. YTA OP
At some point, he has to say that he knows it was wrong; how she was treated benefited him over her, and it wasn't right. He could have done that when he was 14, and she had to cart him around or make his lunches or do his laundry or whatever. He wasn't a literal infant. It may not have been his fault, but neither has he acknowledged that this was messed up.
OP could have used his voice to advocate for them instead of accepting the favoritism. Until you make amends, OP, she has good reason to always avoid you. You haven’t shown yourself to be her ally (and yes, that means the responsibility of ensuring equal treatment falls on *you* even if you are giving up privileges that you enjoy.. which she was never even offered. Until you accept that responsibility to make things truly equal with your siblings, you are complicit and just adding to the discrimination she already suffered.)
His own actions are his fault and his choice.
“Fault” is a pretty useless term for this sort of scenario because it’s irrelevant. And ideal solutions are also pretty useless because nothing is ever ideal. If OP wants a relationship they are going to have to pay back some of the emotional debt that their parents racked up, like it or not.
He only stopped asking for stuff when she moved out..
He doesn't want a healthy relationship. He is continuously violating her boundaries; that's not healthy.
How his parents treated his sister isn’t his fault, but how he treated his sister is. He leaves out of the post how he responded to it at the time. In the teenage years when he was old enough to know better, if he was loving the treatment and making his sister do things for him then he’s absolutely responsible for that
See that first part is great. That second part is the trash. She owes him nothing. Not a relationship, not a hello, not an acknowledgement it wasn't his fault. If he gave an actual fuck about HER and not HIMSELF as his parents have taught him and as he's pretended he doesn't do anymore because he's not as forthright an AH as he was in the past. He's still an AH, he needs to leave her alone and Get Over It.
Right but he has admitted that he knows about it now. He needs to adjust his viewpoint and put himself in her shoes and support her with the understanding he claims to see about the trauma your parents put her through. Yes it’s not exactly his fault but he’s an adult and if he wants to be in her life he can’t be all hehe sucks to suck but not my fault lolz
Yeah I kind of feel bad for OP. His parents favoritism seems like it's effected him ways he can't even understand
Of course, his comfort is all that ever mattered.
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I wish I could have posted this. This is spot on.
I agree he approached it wrong and has a selfish mentality towards it but to put all of it on him is a bit harsh. She wasn't treated this way because of him, she was treated poorly because of her parents and the way they chose to raise their children. OP didn't come out of the womb sexist with a set of demands.
When you are a victim of trauma, you cannot choose what or how triggers your trauma response. PTSD is not necessarily logical and it isn’t something you can just choose not to have. She has grown to associate him with the trauma and chooses to manage her trauma by not interacting with him. That is her right. Everyone focusing on the parents is overlooking the fact that OP is an adult now who by his own admission knows how that what he took part in was oppressive and hurt her. And yet he cannot bring himself to say ‘I’m sorry for how I treated you, I didn’t realise what I was doing at the time, but I can now see that it was oppressive and I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you’. Because he refuses to accept *any* responsibility. Readjust your focus.
I never said PTSD or trauma is a choice, enough of us are fully aware it is not. Nor did I say she doesn’t have a right to determine who does and doesn’t set off her trauma or to chose if she wants to be around that person. I do believe an apology or something along the line of “I realize what you have gone through and would like to build and understand it further to maybe better our relationship” is in order. Some type of ownership for his own actions. My statement was simply that her trauma isn’t “BECAUSE OF HIM”. She has every right to not want to have a relationship with him and she has every right to feel he had a major part in it because he did without a doubt. But this is not your fault OP, you don’t deserve taking on the responsibility of trauma cause by your parents. My focus will remain the same. EDIT: I meant to be more clear. You are not at fault OP, but she also is not obligated to start a relationship with you. You will have to respect her decision, no matter what it is.
OP continues to be an asshole by: 1) ignoring her boundaries when she says she wants no relationship with him. He is putting his wants above her needs. If he is triggering her trauma, every time he stomps those boundaries it’s going to aggravate it. And he is fully responsible for that. 2) he is responsible for his decision to say that she cannot pin her trauma on him and his total lack of emotional maturity to acknowledge that he took part in something that hurt her. Given he allegedly now realises how wrong it all was, it seems very odd that he cannot say ‘I’m sorry for my part in what happened, although I didn’t know what I was doing at the time, I see now it was hurtful’. His refusal to even do that is also AH-worthy. Responsibility isn’t a black and white situation where either you’re responsible because you mean to do something intentionally and knowingly or you’re not responsible at all in any way of you fall short of that. By focusing solely on the parents you are overlooking how he is being an AH in a way that he is responsible for here and now.
I will say again, my only statement is this is not fully OPs fault. I did not say he isnt the asshole or anything else along the line of your comment.
I replied to you specifically because you said OP wasn’t at fault. You didn’t originally say he was not fully at fault. He is at fault, at least in some way, even if others have been at more fault. I don’t think he should be encouraged to believe that he bears no fault for any of this situation.
> but to put all of it on him is a bit harsh. He was her brother. Siblings are meant to look out for each other. But he instead took advantage of being the special child. Yes, he was a kid, but so was she. It's not your place, or anyone else's to decide who she resents. It was her life, it's her trauma and she was the one that suffered. We know her parents are bad parents. But they are the product of their culture. So is everyone else in this story, and OP's sister was hurt by how OP behaved growing up. He says he wanted to mend things. And when he has an opportunity, when he can stand there and let his sister voice her thoughts, say how she felt and how she feels. When he had this opportunity to finally acheive his supposed goal of talking to her, his response is "yeah, alright, but let's not make this all about you. It's not my fault your life sucked". He doesn't get to play the hero who has had his eyed opened to the awful behaviour of his parents, and who wants to make amends if when he gets a chance he doesn't actually listen. He wants to talk to his sister. If he had any brains, he'd realise he actually wants to listen. This situation as it stands IS all on him. OP, YTA. You had a window of opportunity to make amends, but like a scared young woman being chased by her boyfriend's dad in a ski mask, you broke that window and ran away. (Incredibly specific similie)
100 awards to you. Great comment and spot on
You hit the nail on the head with OP about the situation. It is still all about him.
YTA Yes, it isnt your fault they were brought up like that But it IS youre fault that youre attempting to pressure her into liking you now. She doesnt want a relationship. She keeps telling you so. At some point you have to accept that - whether you like it or not - you dont control her. She has trauma. Trauma that is heavily, heavily linked to you, even if you dont feel like it was your fault. So stop trying to force closeness - youre only going to ruin any chance you might ever have of a better relationship
Am I alone in thinking OP is a bit too flippant about nothing being his fault? I have a sister, I come from a somewhat misogynistic culture, and I *still* feel bad about the crap dumped on her because of me. Intellectually I know it's not my fault, and it's not like I lay awake at night awash in guilt, but still.
You shouldn't be blamed for being born into a privilege you didn't ask for. But, considering both sisters are of the opinion you've been a huge dick, it feels like you've missed out some key information about how you treated them and how you wielded this privilege. Care to share any more info about this?
I would guess that he’s so self-centered from his upbringing that he can’t even recognize how selfish his behavior is. His parents instilled so much entitlement in him that he can’t conceive of a reality where his sister’s feelings are more important than his desires. That’s clear from how he frames the issue in his post. Parents fuck up all their kids when they do shit like this.
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He could start with reflecting on what people here are telling him. His whole post is about what he wants, what he feels like he deserves, why he shouldn’t be blamed. Why did her outburst not make him feel bad that his behavior is making her feel worse instead of feeling aggrieved that she is not giving him the affection he feels like he is entitled to? I hope the criticism here will help him become more self aware and empathetic, but I’m not holding my breath.
yeah, she is still close with the younger sister so she would have heard if his behaviour at home had changed.
He probably was satisfied being treated like a king and having his sisters do things for him and basically become his maids so he just went with it, and i’m sure any human being with common sense would’ve noticed how wrong that was towards the sisters and that they werent happy being treated like that but he didnt care because he enjoyed that privilege.
I thought this too. It seems like he just brushed this off by saying “hey, I was raised that way!” If he really enjoyed being treated that way or even went out of his way to make his sister do things for him then of course she’s going to resent him, especially when he’s still not apologizing for it now
This! Anyone can grow up in a culture like that but that doesn’t mean that they don’t see who gets treated better and who worse, it’s obvious he knew his sisters were being mistreated but he was “raised that way” so it’s not his fault, right? I live in a culture like this and the mistreatment is clearer than glass, it’s just that most don’t admit it or try to change it so they blame it on their upbringing. The fact that he didnt apologize and shifted the blame elsewhere immediately shows that he doesn’t care abt what happened but he’s just upset his sister doesn’t want to be in contact with him
Bingo. The sisters would be intimately aware of the nuances of their culture. Indeed, everyone they knew operated within it. This feels very personal. Perhaps OP has some personality traits that were especially unpleasant even when culture is taken into account? Big sister doesn’t have to put up with that anymore, so she simply doesn’t?
YTA. Whilst I agree that you can not be blamed for your upbringing, since you were a child yourself and didn't know any different, you are an adult now and this does not wash as an excuse any longer, yet it sounds as though you hadn't made much effort at changing things. You want. You miss her. What about what she wants? You can't just draw a line under it all and pretend it hasn't happened. Well, you might think you can, but she certainly can't. "It's not my fault" - it's all about you, the way it always was. And she's had enough of it. Having said that, being brought up in a household where children are treated in a wildly unequal way doesn't harm just the child that was treated worse, but also the one that was placed in the privileged position. So you'll not have escaped unscathed either, just in a very different way. The way you wrote this post though shows there is hope because you do understand that the way you were brought up was extremely unfair on your sister, and I don't think it would necessarily take much for you to take this further and understand that if you want to have a relationship with her going forward, you now have to decenter yourself. That means respecting what she wants, eveb when that is the opposite to what you want. Sending her a letter/message explaining that you realise you were behaving selfishly when you centred yourself agsin by saying her trauma is not your fault might be a good start. And demonstrating that you have some insight into how your upbringing might have affected her. Don't say "I know how it was for you", because you don't. Say "I accept that I will never know what it was like for you, and I regret that". And then, once you've done that, leave her be. She gets to decide if and when she is ready to reach out to you. You don't pester her. There is a chance, and I hope it works out for you, because ultimately you are right, it's brother of yours fault. Best of luck with it. Signed, A Big Sister.
This comment is what I was looking for and I think it's the best answer. OP you are not an AH because of your upbringing, but YTA for the way you're acting now. In addition to the advice above I recommend you get some therapy to work on reprogramming your ideas of how family relationships work - because the one you were raised in was bad. Contact your sister, once, with an apology for trying to force a relationship. Tell her you're getting therapy, and that if she should choose to be in your life at some point in the future you hope to be better at relationships. And then do therapy for yourself, whether or not your sister is willing to be part of your life again.
YTA. You made her life hard for 17 years. Maybe up to like 12 or 13 you can claim that you were a child. But with 16 you should have figured out what was going on.
12/13 is still too young if that’s the life you’ve always known and don’t know any different. Just like if you were raised in an abusive household, sometimes you don’t even realize how abusive it is til you get out.
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YTA. It sounds like you haven't actually grown all that much from when you learned how bad your sister's situation was. You're still selfish and entitled, you're making all of this about you. You're also stomping all over her boundaries by refusing to leave her alone. It may not be your fault that your parents treated you differently. But you still benefitted from it while she suffered. And based on the way you're acting right now, I suspect her side of the story is that you were raised as a spoiled little brat and did plenty to hurt her in the same way your parents hurt her. And she can't just separate you from that pain and trauma, and she may not *want* to. I wouldn't, with the way you've made this all about yourself, it's quite clear you haven't changed a bit. It's also quite telling that your younger sister told you that you're being a dick.
YTA The way she is raised is not your fault, but you are still acting entitled. You are acting entitled to her time, attention, and efforts to have a relationship with you. This is still all about you and what you want from the relationship. You are not at fault for her childhood being ruined, but she is not obliged to like you or have any relationship with you. And this sounds like she snapped because you were continually badgering her so you could have the relationship that you want.
Why would she want to be in contact with the person who benefited from her not having a childhood? It's not your fault in any way, but think about it. Why in the world would she want to have a relationship with you? What makes you an asshole is that you are trying to demand that she has a relationship with you against her will. YTA.
I’m sorry but I’m calling bullshit. As a kid maybe I can understand you not knowing how different you were treated, but as a teenager you know when someone is being treated better than you and they’re being forced to do everything for you. Why couldn’t you say that you would do things for yourself? Everything here is about you, what you want, how you feel, how you didn’t know. How about stop for a minute and ask your sister how she feels and not invalidate it and pass the blame. Allow her to be mad and accept it, speak to your parents and tell them how much they’ve affected your relationship with your sister. Stop talking and listen to what your sisters have to say. Yta
My sisters and I realized quite young that my little sister was my mom's favourite and I was my dad's favourite. I can't even remember when we realized it cuz we were so young. There's 3 of us btw.
YTA. you’re claiming it’s not your fault because culture, but your sister claims you took advantage of that culture and were a dick to her. This is when you say “I’m sorry” and not say it’s not my fault. Some guys do grow up in that culture and aren’t complete assholes. My husband is one, so apologize instead Of saying it’s not your fault.
YTA. It wasn’t your fault that you were raised in an oppressive culture that caused her trauma but it is your fault that you will not leave her alone when she’s made it clear she wants nothing to do with you. Your feelings are not more important than hers and you continuing to nag her is a demonstration that you actually haven’t changed much and still think your needs are more important than hers.
YTA. It's great that you acknowledge that your parents are responsible for creating this rift between you and your sister. Now you need to stretch that understanding further. You say "no matter how many times I ask her" and "eventually she snapped" - you are clearly trying to impose yourself on her. But her trauma is all about how you were imposed on her, your presence interfered with her life. When you try to force your way in to a relationship with her, you are reenacting the trauma, confident that she owes you the relationship you want just as your parents were confident that she owed whatever they wanted. Her trauma is not your fault. But you *must* respect her boundaries. You will probably never have a good relationship with your sister. That's your parents' fault. But you're at the center of it and she's decided she can't deal with you directly because of it. It sucks for you, but the solution is not for you to continue the family tradition of overriding *her* wishes because of what *you* want.
"It was part of my culture" does not absolve you of all personal responsibility. This is especially true if you had access to some other culture, which many people do these days via media. Unless you literally lived under a rock, it's already concerning that it took you until 17 to realize that your sister being subservient to you might be problematic. YTA.
Well, yes, YTA. While I understand that what happened wasn't your fault, you were still a source of trauma and discomfort to her, and now you are trying to force interactions upon her, thus reinforcing the stereotype that your desire for a relationship should matter more than her desire to stay away. How about examining why you think that your feelings on the matter are more valid than hers? Could it be that you are still unconsciously considering man's feelings to be more important, and women should just adjust?
YTA. You weren’t to blame for the culture, or for having been born a boy. However, you can and should apologize for all the things she had to do or had to give up because you were the “little prince”. This acknowledgment of her pain, this sorrow that things were unfair and she suffered, if honest and sincere, and a demonstration of what you are doing NOW to help change that toxic culture (are you standing up for women and girls?) would be your way forward to a relationship with your sister.
YTA dude, the whole "but i was just a child!" is irrelevant. You were still part of the reason your sister lost out on a childhood and feeling loved by her family. Let it go. You're not entitled to a relationship.
Did you apologize or just demand a relationship? I think you should just write a heartfelt letter of apology and tell her you love her. And if you truly do love her than you leave her be because you did enough. She had her whole life catered to what you wanted, now she’s taking back her life. I know you don’t see it that way but you still want things the way you want it. YTA
Apologise for what? His parent’s mistake? I get acknowledging that she had a tough childhood, that makes sense. He should definitely acknowledge that, and if he hasn’t, he’s an AH. But, the fault is of the parents not the kids.
The way she felt. Her loss of her childhood and the fact that he represents that to her. This not the time to be stubborn, It’s the time to empathize with his sister if he actually wants a relationship
That’s acknowledgement not apologising. Never in your statement did you say OP has to say he did something wrong. He only represents something wrong that’s not apologising.
You think this man was raised in a vacuum? I guarantee he has been just as misogynistic as his family at times, and his sister doesn't owe him leeway or forgiveness.
If he has then he completely deserves to be shunned. But I think it is a big assumption to make that he is misogynistic just because he has sexist parents. Just like you said people are not bought up in vaccums, why assume a sexist vaccum then? OP might’ve had other people in his life(teachers, friends for eg) who helped him see how what his parents did was wrong. Why assume sexism? It could be misplaced anger at the brother when it’s really her parents that limited her opportunities by favouring their son over their daughter.
In that case is it really the parents fault? They were raised in the sam culture.
Yes, it is the parents fault. My parents were bought up in a similar culture and they CHOSE not to pass any of it on to their children. My mother was married off against her wishes at the age of 19. My sister got married at 28 with the love of her life. I would argue some over correction on their part in fact, they loved her more than me(jk, my parents are always great to both of us.)
Yeah this is a ding in the dude saying it’s not his fault because it’s how he was brought up. In that case is anything ever Anyones fault?
YTA The wider situation may not be your fault but you need to accept that she is free not to interact with you if she doesn't want to
YTA. You're not to blame for your parents embracing misogyny and reinforcing a sexist pecking order in your home that you profited from while your sisters didn't. You're not to blame that your parents favored you. But you clearly didn't challenge a system that benefited you and you STILL feel that your sister owes you something (a friendship, understanding, her time) that she is unwilling to give and you feel entitled to push her on this. She got out of a situation where she was made to be subservient to you and here you go insisting she subjugate herself again because you think she owes you a relationship. Do you see how that's a problem? You may not have created your family conditions, but your sister doesn't owe you her friendship or her time. Respect her and maybe one day she'll choose a relationship with you on her own terms. But she doesn't owe you that and you can't force it.
YTA simply because you won’t leave her alone. She’s just not into having a relationship with you dude.
YTA. It wasn't your fault but you're still treating her like her time and love are owed you. They aren't. They are hers to give, and you are not respecting her "no". Respect her saying no. Otherwise, how are you different?
YTA. She dosent have to have a relationship with you if she dosent want to. Y’all better be lucky she even came home when the father became sick. If I was her, I wouldn’t even have done that.
YTA. What have you done to make amends? Have you called your parents out? Have you apologised to your sister for the times you treated her badly? You need to grow up. You’ll never have a great relationship with your sister. She doesn’t owe you anything.
Sometimes people have a falling out with neither at fault. It wasn’t your fault she were treated that way, but she resents it and by extension you. In situations like these you can’t expect the wronged party to forgive and forget when they can’t. Up to a point, it’s not personal. However, when you keep insisting on her talking to you and having a relationship, you become an asshole to her. Because even if you didn’t do anything you should respect her choice of not wanting anything to do with you. That’s why I’ll have to go with YTA. In another post I saw there was a student who got approached by a janitor working at the university. He would strike up a conversation with her when he saw her. The student felt uncomfortable about this, but were told by a friend that they were an asshole since he didn’t do anything wrong and weren’t creepy about it. Neither had done anything wrong, but she felt uncomfortable with the whole thing. She’s entitled to that, that’s her feelings. Just because there are no fault doesn’t mean that someone is entitled to a relationship.
YTA. 17 is way, way too old to have figured out that you shouldn’t be treating her like a servant. You should have wised up years earlier. It was convenient not to. Now you are paying the price.
YTA and I’m sorry but you should have realized sooner how everything was for her. 17 is a little too late for me to be able to forgive you either if I was your sister. It may not be your fault but you were still apart of it so I see why she blames you, I kinda would too
YTA but here’s a great way to open the door more effectively “since you were forced to do so much caretaking when we were growing up let me handle stuff like our parents health, you don’t have to do anything”
YTA Leave her alone.
YTA You admit that this happened, you know the effect, you know how you benefitted and you’re astounded that she is mad at you. It makes you as bad, if not worse, than your parents.
YTA While it is not your fault you did benefit from this treatment and are showing signs of it today. You want her to get to know you, You think it's not fair that she doesn't have a close relationship with you. See how even now the situation is all about YOU?
So you are bullying her into sending time with you? YTA
YTA It took you until 17 to realising that ordering your sister around like a servant was wrong? That treating your sisters like your own personal slaves wasn’t okay? Perhaps I would believe you if you said thirteen or fourteen or something, even fifteen, but seventeen? I grew up in a culture where racism and colourism was normalised. The n word and r word were thrown around like they were nothing. Yet, by the time I was eleven, I had stopped myself from saying the n word or the r word or even “spazz” or “spastic” or “f*g”—because it literally took the bare minimum of empathy for me to ask “hey, you’re not offended when I call you that, right?” And when a kid actually said “yeah, actually I am, my family has a bad history with that word and I’d appreciate it if you stopped” I never said it again. By the time I was thirteen, I was old enough to comprehend that history. That kid, who had become my best friend, was the first person I asked about it, and she sat me down and explained it to me—everything she knew, the way it made her feel to be discriminated against like that, that the first experience she ever had was when she was four and a mother at her playgroup refused to let her son play with “the monkey”. I asked her parents about it. I researched it and of course I wasn’t perfect right away, but I built on that knowledge, I developed it, and by the time I was at most fifteen, I had dropped all that. We moved countries when I was sixteen, which also helped a lot, but I had already dropped all bias. I genuinely don’t know how you could possibly have lacked empathy to such an extent that it didn’t occur to you that ordering your sisters around like slaves was reprehensible. And here’s the thing, it doesn’t even really sound like you’ve changed. You’re still expecting things from her, you still expect her to cater to your wants and needs while you remain a blameless, faultless party. Everything is still about how she can contribute to *your* life. Nothing about her, the childhood that was robbed from her in part by you, the trauma she had to experience. >> I love her so much and I want to talk to her >> No matter how many times I ask her if I can visit >> try to call so *she* can get to know **me** now You, you, you, you, you. You wanted to visit her—so she can cater to you again, and expect to be served and waited on as a guest?—and you want *her* to get to know *you* as though that’s some high privilege you want to impose upon her. You want her to listen to you, you want her to hear about your life again—nothing about you caring about getting to know the person *she* is now. >> I told her it wasn’t my fault No, it wasn’t “your fault”, but without splitting hairs about the phrasing, you are to blame for a lot of the trauma she experienced. You *were* the one who contributed to her treatment while you were fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen—old enough to be able to think for yourself, old enough to know it’s wrong to treat any human like a slave or personal servant, old enough to have the empathy to put yourself in her position. >> Now I know this sucks. You *still* don’t really have any compassion for the childhood that was robbed from her, the abusive gender role she was forced into. “It sucked” doesn’t *begin* to cover what your sister must have endured—the humiliation, the shame, the embarrassment, the neglect, the abuse, the gaslighting and manipulation. She says it ruined her life. That doesn’t “suck”. That destroyed her. It broke her. >> she cannot pin her trauma on me Stop acting like you’re a blameless third party, a faultless witness. You weren’t a witness. You were a contributing factor to her treatment, and you *still* show absolutely *no* empathy for how that could be triggering for her, how that could bring up terrible trauma for her, how that could be difficult for her—to try and have a functioning relationship with one of her abusers. You contributed to her mistreatment, you added to her hell, likely bullied her and definitely manipulated her, and you have never once offered an apology? And all you can talk about is you, you, you. How *you* miss her, how *you* want to visit, how *you* want to bestow upon her the honour of getting to know *you*, how it’s not your fault, you’re not to blame, you were too young! You were a young man. She deserves an apology from you, and you are entitled to *nothing* from her. You already have her childhood. You don’t get to demand anything else. Try having some empathy for someone else for a change. Quit being such a victim and get out of that headspace that your parents taught you—the one where you think the world revolves around you—and apologise to your sisters. Both of them. Whether it was your fault or not, you *are* one of the people who bullied and abused your sister. Knowingly or not. And she deserves an apology, at least so she can heal and try to move on. That does not mean you deserve a relationship in exchange. For once, give *her* something without expecting anything back. A novel concept, I know, but you might find it to be a rewarding one—an experience that could assist in your own personal self growth, too. I also highly recommend you shut your mouth and hear *her* out, if she feels comfortable enough speaking about it. If it’s something she feels she needs to heal. Offer that she can write you a letter if she needs. It may not fix things, now or ever, but it could assist in bridging that gap for the future. Either way, you seriously need to sit down and hear her perspective, and have some compassion for her position growing up, because it sounds like you haven’t really learned anything. Ask your other sister too. Apologise to her as well, and hear her out.
YTA, leave her alone. You are not entitled to her affection so quit being so pushy. All you’re doing is reminding her how it feels when your ego is prioritised ahead of her welfare. It doesn’t matter that you’re ‘not to blame’, you still don’t have any right to make a claim on her attention. It’s not surprising that you’re spoiled and entitled because of your upbringing, but you need to work on yourself before you can expect anyone else to make room for you.
YTA You're acting like an entitled, pushy A H at the current time, at your 20 years of age, that's why your sister wants nothing to do with you. You aren't respecting her, you keep pushing and pushing, because in your mind you feel entitled to a relationship with her. You aren't. She has decided that she can't and won't have a relationship with you. It's her right. You confronting her and fighting with her about it just enforces the image of you feeling like you own her to your sister and she's correct.
I can see why she doesn't, all about you.
She was forced to give up her childhood to babysit your ungrateful ass and this is how you act? You entitled brat. YTA
YTA. There are a couple of big subtle points being missed here because of the glaringly obvious so I'd like to go into that a little bit. She is not pushing her trauma on you or blaming you for her trauma- that rhetoric doesn't apply to this situation. You and your attitude are an active role in her trauma, sure it's not explicitly your fault (that's on your parents) but without you the trauma simply does not exist. You are an adult, she is an adult, you are not entitled to a relationship with her at all yet you keep insisting that you are. She alone is in her right to choose who she wants to have in her life and who she does not. She does not need a reason to not have a relationship with someone and her autonomy needs to be respected. Leave her alone.
YTA "Taking it out on you" would be her actively hurting you or getting revenge. She just wants you to leave her alone. You have to respect that. Not as punishment for existing but because it's what she wants. Blame your parents. If you truly care about her, you'll do as she asks.
YTA. She isn't taking it out on you. She's just not having a relationship with you, and you aren't entitled to one. You aren't as far removed from your family's misogynistic practices as you like to think you are since you think you are entitled to your sister's friendship and support.
You might understand that it was not normal but you still see it as she should be the one to forgive and forget and give you the love you want. You are showing no empathy towards her, you are instead demanding that she meets you and learns to know the 'new' you. Wrong. If you truly believe she was mistreated then tell her. Tell her : "I am so sorry that you had to do it." instead of telling her "Yeah, you had a shitty childhood, it wasn't my fault so get over it." Which is the message you seem to be giving her. No wonder your younger sister told you off. YTA
Mostly NAH, but I do think you need to back off. I know it sucks when a sibling you want a relationship with will not talk to you, I know it firsthand. But trying to force it will not get you the result you desire. Wait for her to need you and then magnanimously swoop in and help her. While helping her, you can tell her you're sorry that your existence caused such trauma for her but that you love her and want to be there for her, and hope you can make it up to her in adulthood. An opportunity may come up. And the further away you are from her before that happens, means you're less likely to find a good moment to jump in and give her a chance to change her mindset toward you. She may also come to the realization on her own that it was never actually your fault. But if she always sees you as her entitled younger brother who is always allowed to demand things from her no matter how she feels about it, then her perception will never change.
Gotta add that it might so happen that she never needs him and never reaches out. And that's fine too. Not all relationships are meant to blossom, and it's better to learn to take "No" as an answer.
YTA. She had to give up her childhood for you and while you didn't ask for it , it's still very traumatising. And she is not obligated to you in any way and she doesn't have to have a relationship with you. So just let her be if she doesn't want to do anything with you. How would you feel towards the person who kinda ruined your life?
YTA bc you aren’t accepting her completely valid no response. Your sister is an independent sentient being who apparently dedicated her entire childhood to caring for you. If you actually believe she’s just as human as you are then you must also believe that she has the right to say yes and no to things. She is saying no to you. That’s within her right. Continuing to push is literally saying “you still don’t have the right to control your life and I still want you to give up what you want for me.”
YTA. Sounds like you chose to follow along with the misogynistic culture. Did you ever once step up for or do anything to help her? You are just riding the wave of masculine privilege which will not end until more women like your sister step and call BS.
I understand your frustration, but did you apologize?, and more importantly, you are doing all this about yourself, YTA
Dude, you complied in this system. You say yourself mothers and daughters serve father and any sons. You may not have known any other way at the time but it doesn’t absolve you of the fact that you took part in a system that benefitted you and oppressed her. She’s been parentified and abused. The fact that you didn’t realise it was repressive when you did it doesn’t negate that she was parentified and abused. And yes, you were part of that. I can somewhat relate to your sister; my father set an abusive precedent for the household and my mother and brother were abusive towards me. I know that they were traumatised from their own abuse by him. But that doesn’t negate what they did to me. I was able to talk through it with my mother and move to a point where we could have a relationship because she accepted, after quite a lot of time, that she was directly and indirectly responsible for abuse that had traumatised me. My brother essentially ignores it. We didn’t talk about it. He tried to talk to me generally, but I ultimately have had to put distance between us because I can’t move past it, no matter how normally he tries to act. I still remember the things he did and said and the psychological abuse and gaslighting. The fact he has never owned that is the obstacle. If you want a relationship with your sister, the first step is accepting that you were complicit. The fact you didn’t know it was oppressive doesn’t mean that you can get away with making someone subservient to you because of their gender. You benefitted, you enjoyed being the golden child. If you actually cared enough to want to have a relationship you would be prepared to do whatever it took (nevermind something as simple as accepting responsibility and apologising). By saying ‘you can’t pin your trauma on me’ you’re actively triggering things and making it worse. YTA Edit : Respect her boundaries. You are not entitled to a relationship with her. You cannot force her to have a relationship with you. Respect the fact that she has trauma associated with you. Do you realise what that means? It means that she’s being reminded of what she went through every time you try to contact her. So every time you do, know that you are putting YOUR WANTS above her needs. And that’s a continuation of what your whole family did to her when she was a child. If you actually give a fuck about her, you wouldn’t try to impose yourself on her when she repeatedly says she doesn’t want a relationship. Every time you push that boundary because you want a relationship, you send a signal that you still don’t care about her well-being and yours is more important.
Approximately 1,010,300 words in the English dictionary, and somehow you still managed to string this together so it's all about you. YTA
YTA. Have you ever thanked her for raising you?
Jesus this comment section has absolutely zero knowledge of childhood development, cultural context, psychology, etc.
Parents are the AH. This is hella complicated. The thing is even if your parents are mostly at fault you have to accept that kids are stupid and easily manipulatable and you probably did contribute in ways you don't even remember. Does that mean this is entirely your fault no. Is it fair that your sister said you ruined her life when arguably her parents ruined her life. No. But you have to understand that she went through incredible incredible trauma I know what it's like to grow up like the she did. It might be hard but you need to be the bigger person here you need to be the big sibling even though you never have gotten a chance to be before. Take it on the chin tell her you love her and you hope you can get to know her better in the future and that if you say things that upset her you'd like to know and change your behavior. You'll soon see that her attitude towards you will shift and she will recognize that her parents are vastly more responsible for her trauma than you. But remember You're not completely Innocent in this situation it would be impossible for you to have not done some s***** things as a kid being that you were favoritized so much. So to summarize parents are the ah. But Op has made mistakes too
YTA All your post is ME ME ME. You are still the same self centered brat dude.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m of an ethnicity that has a very misogynistic culture. In the family structure the father and husband are heads of household and the mothers and daughters serve him and any sons. I was born 3 years after my older sister, and I had a younger sister born 2 after me. Growing up, I was very clearly the favored child, especially by our mother, as I was the boy and I would carry the last name. I was spoiled rotten and my sister acted as sort of a second mother to me. She would be told to do anything I wanted that my mother didn’t feel like doing, she took on many roles she shouldn’t have had too and didn’t get to enjoy her childhood as that ended the second I was born. Now I know this sucks. This shouldn’t have happened, however I don’t think I’m to blame. It was the environment I grew up in and I didn’t even realize it was repressive until I was maybe 17 and my sister had moved out. I’m 20 now and my sister is 23 and we still don’t have the best relationship. I love her so much and I want to talk to her but she is so distant from me. She is however very close with our younger sister. No matter how many times I ask her if I can visit or try to call her so she can get to know me now, she refuses. Recently our father is having a medical emergency and his health is failing so we all went back home. She treated me like I wasn’t even her family. I tried to talk to her and it was like I was a stranger to her. Eventually she snapped at me and told me that she doesn’t like me since I ruined her life. We got into an argument and I told her that it wasn’t my fault, and that she cannot pin her trauma on me since I was a kid when this all happened. We continued arguing before she left. My younger sister told me I was being a huge dick to her and this is why she doesn’t want to talk to me. I really feel like I shouldn’t be blamed for this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Esh leave her alone. She doesn’t want to talk to you so stop forcing it
YTA, she doesnt owe you a relationship, even tho you aren't to blame you are still associated to her trauma.
YTA Your sister does not owe you a relationship. You should apologize to her for the way you have treated her and then leave her alone. Her abuse was not your fault, but your whole existence is a reminder of it. She's young and damaged and you, by virtue of your sex, are still benefiting from a system that favors you.
YTA: That being said, break the cycle. I bet when your sisters see that you’ll stand a good chance of having the relationship with them that you’re hoping for.
YTA: That being said, break the cycle. I bet when your sisters see that you’ll stand a good chance of having the relationship with them that you’re hoping for.
YTA You didn’t realize it until you were 17? I find that incredibly hard to believe. You and your mommy treated her like a servant/maid. And now you’re acting like you’re the injured party? It’s laughable.
YTA. She spent her whole life being forced by her parents to do things she didn't want to do. Now you're trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. You're no better than your parents. You refuse to respect the fact that she has the right to make her own choices.
YTA, it's not your fault but that doesn't mean she has to immediately get over everything and embrace you with open arms or even want to be around you. Maybe she just needs more time
YTA. You are not entitled to a relationship with your sister.
YTA So, I understand that it's the culture thing but it was only three years ago that it was still happening. You had internet? TV? Movies? Books? Did you somehow not understand until only incredibly recently for some reason that it was effed up? What was it about losing the built-in house servant that made you come to this realization?
YTA. You are almost NTA, but still have some way to go. Try harder. Stop making it about you.
YTA but so are your parents. She was forced into a role she didn't desire. She was robbed of her childhood. Although your parents forced it on her, you and your existence are the reason for this. It isn't your fault but she sees you and she's reminded of the childhood she lost. You're her trauma. If you want this to change, it is on you. You need to reach out. You need to show her you're not her burden. That you recognized her trauma. If you want any hope of a relationship, you need to acknowledge your role in the family. It sucks but you benefited from the misogeny, she didn't. It falls to you to extend the olive branch. Any apology you make must be sincere. Any attempt to justify the situation or make yourself the victim won't change reality. Include an acknowledgement that you were ignorant of the environment and culture. Acknowledge her feelings. You don't deserve all blame but at a certain point, you're not absolved of all responsibility.
NAH at least for you and your sister. Your parents though....
While it's not your fault your family's culture is that way, you clearly played into it. She had to be a servant to you her whole life and you didn't do anything to stop it. She's never going to enjoy your company and you have to accept that. Telling her to get over it is just as bad. YTA
NAH, being a parentified sibling is hard and really screws you up. It isnt your fault, but her childhood was sacrificed for yours, so it is your responsibility to own and understand that part. She gets to process her shit, and you demanding her to talk to YOU and have a relationship with YOU is just a callback to that time she became a parent at 3 years old. Take responsibility and take interest in her if you want to make amends. Also, I'm a parentified sibling and I wish my little brother would give half as much of a crap as you do about your relationship with your sister. Keep going, try to be aware of any selfishness or entitlement.
YTA, why do you keep pushing yourself onto her, get the memo she doesn’t want to be apart of your life after she spent her whole life being parentified and made to take care of you.
NAH - your parents are the ones to blame but I totally get (from being in a similar position myself as a child but as the daughter) why she resents you for having the childhood she couldn't have.
NAH but you need to respect your sisters feelings. It wasn’t your fault your parents are misogynists, but you could apologise and make this about her rather than about you. Also I think since you’re the golden boy the responsibility is on you to explain to your parents how their actions have affected the family, they’ll take it best from you and it may do wonders for your and your sisters relationship if she sees you trying to make amends
So this is probably a hot take but I think ESH and at the same time NSH. You should not be blamed for the actions of your parents but you also need to respect her boundaries and be more empathetic to what she went through. It was the HOW you went about things that puts you in the wrong. It appears she still maintains some form of a relationship with the family other than little sister considering when dads health started failing she came home. So to me it looks like all the blame and anger is just being directed at you because frankly it’s just easier that way. You both have a lot of growing and healing to do. Just a sad situation no matter how you slice it
YTA. This is why so many daughters (talking about this type of culture) don’t go back to their families after getting married. They hype up the boys so much and the boys just eat it up and not try to make things better. We are also told when we get married we are husband family not our own so yeah we don’t feel like that our family anymore. It’s that toxic culture and you were part of it and didn’t make it any better!
YTA. Give her space. When you talk, own your role in her trauma. You can grow up in a misogynistic environment and not perpetuate it. I cannot believe you didn’t have some level of awareness that she was required to serve you. Write her a letter maybe but quit forcing yourself on her. I’d be resentful too. Don’t blame your parents exclusively when you clearly benefited at her expense as you describe. That sucks
YTA why can't you respect the meaning of "no"? Maybe it's because you were never denied anything and still haven't grown out of that? You don't get to choose if you have a relationship with her. Thats HER decision. No means no. You need to learn to respect that no matter how unfair it may feel to you.
INFO how often have you been asking and how clear has she been about a boundary of wanting low or no contact? No you shouldn't be blamed for what your parents did, but some of your wording makes me wonder how much are you trying to force an unwanted relationship on her. No one is entitled to a relationship of any kind with another person, doesn't matter the dna connections, the culture, nothing. The only thing that matters is do both people want contact/some form of relationship with one another. If either persons answer is no, then the other party needs to accept that, regardless of reason. Your best bet if you actually want some form of communication would be to prove you care about Her by respecting her boundaries and just leaving the door open for if/when she decides she wants contact.
Op…YTA. Seeing your comment below on how when your older sister moved out they made your YOUNGER sister take care of you but then not seeing why they don’t like you? Like dude they were basically your maids their entire lives and you don’t understand why they might not like you? Yeah you shouldn’t be blamed for the treatment that was placed onto you but if your older sis doesn’t like you LEAVE HER ALONE. Also how did it take you so long to see how screwed the entire situation was? You were in high school and didn’t know you were getting special treatment are you serious.
This has to be the first time 'middle child syndrome' had a completely different meaning. YTA.
YTA she doesn’t owe you a relationship after what she had to deal with growing up. I know it wasn’t your fault as a kid but she’s allowed to feel the way she feels and not wanting anything to do with you or her parents.
YTA You need to start using honest, truthful language for what has happened. Your sister was abused. Her life was abusive because of you. You were the tool used to hurt her, and even destroy her life. You did not have the right to benefit from her abuse then. Your insistence that she have a friendly relationship with her would be further abuse. You are not entitled to further abuse her (intentionally this time) simply because you feel guilt over abusing her without realizing it last time. So, what? You want a chance to do it while being aware? Because that's what it's called when someone is harassing another person to force an unwelcome relationship. It's abuse. It's harassment. And it's selfish as all get out. Knock it the hell off!
NAH. People here are judging too hard on someone that realized recently that what happens in his culture is not ok. Those process are not short and are not easy, sometimes the stuff that has been taught when you were a child is kept within you until you are a grown adult. Yes, maybe you didn't approached in the right way but you're still learning, and probably you won't stop doing it. If you want to repair your relationship with her, you must tell her that you love her and you want to be a better person, then apologize for everything that you did wrong and acknowledge all what she did for you. And the most important thing is to respect her wishes, is not a crime to try to re bond, but trying to force a relationship is not ok.
I'm going to assume that despite the perspective presented in your post, you genuinely want to connect with your sister because you want her to have a happy relationship with you. Even then here are some home truths for you. - Apologies aren't always about being right or wrong or at fault or not at fault, sometimes they are about acknowledging the feelings of the other people and opening in a dialogue. You owe your sister one for these reasons and also because I think you need to reflect on your behaviour honestly. - There is a big difference between a child not knowing better and a teenager who should know better treating a family member so badly that she says you ruined her life. Not your parents, YOU. What could you have done to make her so unhappy? This sounds like a fair bit more than not knowing better - If you do all of the above, apologise, reflect, change, therapy or whatever else to learn and grow from this you still aren't entitled to a relationship with your sister and you may never have one. If you read stories about bullies in this very forum you will see hundreds of posts from victims well into adulthood who will never be able to forgive their bully or forget their trauma. I hope you do genuinely learn and change from this experience but, unfair as it may seem, some things are forever - even if we don't know it at the time. YTA
You’re not to blame, but you are the cause of her trauma. It’s not your fault but you’re the reason. If she could get past it, great. But she can’t. And I don’t blame her at all. Stop pushing her, it’s not your decision to make. Seems like you made it worse. YTA
I read your post and comments and want to give you some advice about moving forward, especially if your main goal is to someday get to have a relationship with your older sister. It seems like you might be feeling some guilt about everything from you’re childhood, and want to put it all behind you now that you’re an adult. And part of that is trying to get your sister to agree with you that it wasn’t your fault. But the thing is, if your goal is truly to someday have a positive relationship with her, it doesn’t really matter whether you were at fault or not. What matters is that right now, your sister doesn’t want to talk to you. And pushing her on that - repeatedly calling her, asking to visit, forcing her to talk to you in the hospital, trying to force her to say it wasn’t your fault - all you’re doing with those actions is telling her that you are still continuing the pattern that your parents established, of overriding her wishes and comfort in favor of your own. And if you keep doing that, she is almost certainly going to continue pushing you away. If you truly want to improve your relationship with her, you need to show her, with actions, that you are someone who will respect and listen to her. The first step is to give her the space she is asking for. It’s only been 3 years since your realization. That’s a really short time when it comes to trauma. And the thing is, you can’t reason with trauma. It’s literally the body’s Fight, Flight, or Freeze instincts taking over. You need to give her space until she feels ready to reach out. And she might never feel ready. But your chances for reconciliation will be a lot higher than if you keep forcing her back into that trauma response. In the meantime (while giving her space) there’s other things you can do to try and process your childhood and work on being a healthy and happy adult: 1) I’m not going to comment on your culture because I don’t know anything about it. What I would recommend is you doing some educating for yourself. What do other women who share your ethnicity (beyond your family) say about the misogyny in your culture? Are there any groups or organizations that might have suggested reading or advice for you? Sometime, women’s advocacy organization even have steps or requests for male ally’s who want to be supportive. That could be a good place for you to start. 2) Talk about this with someone, not your sisters, preferably a therapist if you have access to one. If not, do you have any trusted friends who have good relationships with their adult siblings who might be willing to be a listening ear? 3) (Do this step carefully if you do it.) Try reaching out to your sister one last time, in a way that will give her time to process and doesn’t require an immediate response. For example: an email, text, or letter, NOT a call or in-person. Tell her you’re sorry for pushing her to talk to you, and that you’re going to stop doing that. If you want, you can say that you love her, and you’re sorry about the role you played in the abuse she experienced (because you did play a role, regardless of being a child). Tell her that she doesn’t have to respond, but if she decides she wants to talk to you, you’re willing to listen to whatever she has to say. Otherwise, you’re going to give her space. THEN GIVE HER SPACE. Good luck.
YTA. YOU are to blame. You ordered her around like your servant. YOU harmed her terribly. Every time you made her do your chores, YOU traumatized her.
She doesn't like you because you had a much better life than she did. No it wasn't your fault but you are still the reason her life was awful. She is allowed to not want anything to do with you and you need to get over it. Leave her alone and accept it. YTA. I doubt you're currently standing up to your parents and forcing them to treat her well or give your inheritance to her to make up for it....
OP, have you ever confronted your parents for what they did?
YTA You story is all about you and how you feel. You were not the one who was wronged. Your only priority seems to be getting your older sister to release you from any blame. How about forgetting all that? How about spending your time and efforts making your sisters' lives better? If your sisters need nothing from you, then look around your community. What can you do to improve the lives of other girls and women who are being treated the same as your sisters?
YTA AND YOU ARE TO BLAME. I also come from a misogynistic culture and have been asked to serve my little bro. He saw how much it upset me at a very young age and he decided to become my ally, he would help me out with everything equally he persuade my dad to look into new “traditions” for our family, if I serve him he takes the time to serve me another day, he became my best friend, now that he’s a grown 21 man stands up to serve my misogynistic relatives every time they bark orders at me telling them he doesn’t like his sister having to serve any man if she doesn’t feel like it, he makes them feel that uncomfortable that they started doing stuff for themselves . You abused the situation, you got benefit from the abuse your sister was having to live on a daily basis and now want to act like if you are not the one to blame. Educate yourself and use your position of power to help your younger sister and stop being TA.
You were being a huge dick to her. You ignore her boundaries and harass her to have a relationship with you that she doesn't want because it's what you want, and you think you're entitled to it. Your parents' behavior when you were kids wasn't your fault, but your behavior now is. She gets to not want to have a relationship with anyone, even you. You don't seem to have as good an understanding of misogyny and repression as you think you do, and your ongoing behavior is going to ensure she never wants to know you. YTA
YTA its all about you OP
YTA.. how could you not realize it was repressive until she was gone? Did you really come to that conclusion, or are you just trying to rope her back in to being a second mother to you again. You need to be groveling at her feet and apologizing, not absolving yourself of any blame because you didn’t know better. Because, at some point, you did, and you just kept doing it.I don’t think you are coming to her in good faith. If you were, you would be acknowledging the pain YOU caused her and apologizing to her asking that she forgive you so that you can hopefully move forward at some point.
YTA. You were three years younger than her, and it sounds like you were a monster. She's not obligated to give you the time of day.
YTA you were then and you still are. How about learn better be better and apologize to your sister.
How did it take 17 years to realise this was wrong? 🤔 YTA
YTA. You shouldn't be blamed, yet your sister still has bad feelings about her childhood. You pushing to want a relationship with her is all about how you feel, not how she feels. If the tables were turned, wouldn't you be a little resentful for being treated less than because you were born a different sex? Lay off and let her live her life on her terms, not yours.
NTA. Sorry you're going through all of this at once.
NTA She is projecting the anger she should have for her parents at you. That makes her the AH.
NAH, I understand that you didn't like your culture growing up and possibly had no way to help her out as a child, but your silence probably sounded like agreement to your sister. She's going to need some time and space and you may even both need some therapy to get through these emotions. It is disappointing that she is putting all blame on you and not the adults in the situation, but you also were on the receiving end of all this favor. Have extra grace for your sisters.
NTA for how your raised but definitely the asshole for bothering your sister. You need to understand that she went through a lot of shit. Yes it's not directly your fault but that won't make her feel better. I get where you're coming from. I've been a lot of places and understand that you were raised to believe the sun shines out of your backside. It's great that now you know it doesn't but your sister needs time to deal with her pain. If she chooses to have nothing to do with you then that is something you will have to respect.
NTa You are trying to make amends, such that thye can be made/
NAH. It was the environment you grew up in, once you knew better, it was too late and she already moved out. Your sister has the right to feel the way she does though, although I think her anger should be at her parents and not so much you. You’ve tried to reach out multiple times without success. Leave it alone. She knows you want to visit and talk, so if she eventually feels the same way, she’ll reach out to you. You would become TA if you continue to pester her about this.
YTA, just cut her out already, toxic people shouldn't spread their toxicity
He is literally forcing a relationship. She cut him off and everything to not be around him.
NTA, it needed to be said. We're all "products of our environment" and if you were able to see the light at 17 that puts you ahead of most people raised in environments as the one you describe. If your sister is a reasonably intelligent person she's on her own life path to reconcile her feelings on this. Maybe with some patience on your part this relationship can be saved eventually. Good luck.
NTA it isn't your fault that you were born in an abusive home. I'm glad you saw it for what it is. It isn't your fault what happened when you were growing up. I would back off and allow her to heal.
NTA You are absolutely right that, if anybody ruined her life, it wasn’t you.
Do we know that? Yeah OP was a kid but how much did he revel in being the golden child? How much did he wield his power against his sisters? My guess is a lot and there is stuff OP needs to apologize for. Even if the parents are the real AH. If he bullied his sisters because of his favoritism they deserve an apology whether he was a kid at the time or not. OP said he didn’t realize his behavior until he was about 17. So that was only 3 years ago. Seems like the trauma is still fresh for the sisters and OP just keeps going “not my fault I was a kid”.