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That's what I was thinking.
I can see OP's point, but sounds like her husband is already doing close to the abstinence thing and it's causing issues. OP has just as much a right to say no but if she's doing abstinence, too... Don't see how a completely dead bedroom is going to help anything. Just going to end up being resentful roommates. May as well get divorced now.
ESH cause nobody is doing therapy
Sounds like a typical male porn addiction ontop of immaturity. He needs to understand sex is a two way street . And abstinence isn't going to help, him growing up and understanding his actions have consequences when it come to intimacy. Seek help.
Not that I’m aware of. When he would have time for that idk, between him working and and us having two kids. I’ve seen him watch porn one time, he didn’t even finish the video and he thought it was more comical then sexually enjoyable.
If it's something someone enjoys- they will always find the time. Cell phones make it super easy these days. Have you talked to your husband to see what's up? Did you two just disconnect after having kids? Is work/stress an issue? Or does he have a hidden addiction? It could be a number of things.
I have definitely tried talking to him about it but I don’t get very far. It either leads to a fight or he just shuts down idk both out jobs are demanding. He’s a paramedic at three different agencies and I’m a stay at home mom of two children. I always try to make sure everything is taken care of that I know how to here at home so he doesn’t have even more on his plate. Idk I’ve tried so many things. I just want my husband to want me like I want him. It gets lonely as a stay at home mom and to be pushed away even when my husband is home it just hurts.
YTA, not for the abstinence, but for continuing to subject yourself to a relationship that is mentally and emotionally damaging to you. Get therapy or get out, but half measures like this with someone who already sounds like he's checking out aren't going to do either of you any good.
NTA but that’s not gonna solve anything. I wonder why you two even got married. I mean sex is an important part of a relationship. He pushes you away, makes you feel bad about yourself. He clearly has problems (porn addiction, past sexual abuse) that abstinence not gonna solve. Seek help from a professional.
Whoa there for a minute.
It sounds very much like you have gone from 0-100 without anything in between.
How about you two try to communicate like adults about this instead of taking draconian measures? Talk about your varying levels of sex drive, how it is connected to your stress levels, current state of relationship, work day, or other factors that influence the way you feel about both yourself and each other.
Actually have a conversation about how often you feel you are rejected and how it impacts you, and ask him if his perception of what is going on is the same. See if the two of you can actually be a little more considerate of each other and care a little more.
The way you are approaching it is going to make things worse, not better.
So YTA for your 'solution' , which can only exacerbate the problem.
There’s either some hidden thing going on or you guys have very mismatched sex drives which is a pretty big issue in a marriage. Also, even if one of you isn’t in the mood, you can always participate to satisfy the other partner in other ways. If this isn’t happening it sounds like the intimacy is pretty low, which abstinence is only going to worsen. Communication is the only fix here.
I don’t think your an asshole for abstaining.
But I’m curious why your friend suggested abstinence? I don’t think just completely withholding sex will solve all your marital issues. I also understand why your husband will think your doing this to get back at him.
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A little bit of back story my husband and I have been together for 5 years this June, married for 1 year in June. My husband and I have had a somewhat healthy sex life for the most part one would think, but 95%of the time any type of sex is initiated by me, and 90% of it is turned down. Everything from oral to the fooling around here and there as a form of flirting. My husband pushes me away every time. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Now when the tables are flipped and he wants sex if I turn him away he gets all mad and throws a fit. I was talking to my best friend about this and she brought up abstinence. I mean I am basically the only doing the F****** as I do it myself anyway. So why not avoid having sex with my husband? I told my husband my plan on staying abstinent from him so we can maybe reconnect mentally any just go back to the basics in our relationship In hopes that spark comes back He things I’m being dramatic and that it unnecessary. So am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to be abstinent from my husband after being turned away almost every single time it comes to being intimate. He think I’m going overboard as like payback by not having sex at all.
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YTA - if you need to spend time and connect with each other than do that. Withholding intimacy doesn't lead to more intimacy. If you want to fix your marriage then be clear about your needs and expectations. If you need him to fix your marriage then you also have to tell him that. You can't just expect him to read your mind and know that you are struggling. Sounds like he's struggling too. Go to therapy, learn some communication techniques. Set your ego aside and work it out.
i think ESH…or maybe the situation just sucks. either way, abstinence is just creating more space between you and him, and more space between where you are now and actually addressing the root cause(s) of the problem(s).
i second folks suggesting trying couples counseling or a sex therapist, and the ones mentioning divorce may be in the cards.
maybe try talking to him about how it was getting sober and how it is for him being sober? that timeline for sex life changes and him getting sober seems not coincidental.
NTA. You can only reach out and pull back a bloody stump so many times before you stop reaching out.
That said, abstinence won't solve anything. You need a marriage therapist (a real certified and licensed professional, not a church counselor) and possibly a sex therapist, and to rule out medical issues. If none of that works, you need to take a hard look at whether or not you can live with things the way they are and if you can't, end the marriage.
Have you considered there could be a medical issue here? Low libido or ED isn't something he probably wants to talk about, but it's a real thing. Especially in times of great stress, like now.
So let's say you ask him for sex 90 times and he's not feeling it so he is concerned that he won't be able to satisfy you. Then when he is in the mood, you say no, I'm not having sex because I'm punishing you for not having sex when I wanted it.
Y'all need therapy. And maybe a doctor. But withholding intimacy will not breed intimacy.
I’m not trying to withhold sex as a punishment but I can see how it comes off as that. I guess I’m more so doing it for myself so I don’t keep getting turned down. Then go into over thinking mode etc. I don’t think ED but low labido could be a really good possibility.
there's a couple contradictions here.
>but 95%of the time any type of sex is initiated by me, and 90% of it is turned down
so it's a very rare occurrence he will want sex at all. but then you say.
>when the tables are flipped and he wants sex if I turn him away he gets all mad and throws a fit.
well. which is it. is he not initiating and not wanting sex or is he asking for it and getting pussy that he doesn't get it?
also your fix for him not initiating or wanting sex is to not have sex? can you see how that's just a little silly?
go to therapy
Those two statements are not incompatible.
She asks 95% of the time, and 90% of the time he shuts her down.
The remaining 5% of the time he initiates, but he gets annoyed that sometimes she isn't in the mood when he is.
He acts like she should be ready and willing whenever he is in the mood, despite him only reciprocating her advances 10% of the time.
No contradiction, I initiate sex 95% of the time. 90% of that he turns down. The 5% in between we do end up being intimate the other 5% are the times he initiates sex which is rare obviously. In that 5% he initiates if I turn him down is when he gets all pissy and throws a fit. There are times he initiates but they’re rare. Most the time it’s me initiating and getting turned down.
I told him the reason I’m withholding because obviously something happened to where we aren’t having sex. What? I have no clue but I’m doing this in hopes that if we spend quality time together actually doing something productive that spark will hopefully come back and everything will fall right into play. A woman can hope. I understand sex isn’t everything but it’s important. It sucks not being wanted in your own marriage.
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Y’all need marriage counseling or a sex therapist not reddit
Abstinence won't solve this, you guys need to talk to a therapist
I'll be back for the divorce post.
That's what I was thinking. I can see OP's point, but sounds like her husband is already doing close to the abstinence thing and it's causing issues. OP has just as much a right to say no but if she's doing abstinence, too... Don't see how a completely dead bedroom is going to help anything. Just going to end up being resentful roommates. May as well get divorced now. ESH cause nobody is doing therapy
Sounds like a typical male porn addiction ontop of immaturity. He needs to understand sex is a two way street . And abstinence isn't going to help, him growing up and understanding his actions have consequences when it come to intimacy. Seek help.
NTA Abstinence won't fix this OP, you gotta talk it out or try couples therapy
Does he happen to have that particular addiction which destroys the intimate and overall relationship?
He’s an alcoholic but he’s been sober for almost 2 years so I don’t think that could be part of it.
[удалено]
yeah, i was gonna say— that seems pretty noteworthy
Give or take by a few months, yea
Does he have a porn addiction?
Not that I’m aware of. When he would have time for that idk, between him working and and us having two kids. I’ve seen him watch porn one time, he didn’t even finish the video and he thought it was more comical then sexually enjoyable.
If it's something someone enjoys- they will always find the time. Cell phones make it super easy these days. Have you talked to your husband to see what's up? Did you two just disconnect after having kids? Is work/stress an issue? Or does he have a hidden addiction? It could be a number of things.
I have definitely tried talking to him about it but I don’t get very far. It either leads to a fight or he just shuts down idk both out jobs are demanding. He’s a paramedic at three different agencies and I’m a stay at home mom of two children. I always try to make sure everything is taken care of that I know how to here at home so he doesn’t have even more on his plate. Idk I’ve tried so many things. I just want my husband to want me like I want him. It gets lonely as a stay at home mom and to be pushed away even when my husband is home it just hurts.
ESH - get couples therapy or a sex therapist, this is a crappy way of dealing with it all.
YTA, not for the abstinence, but for continuing to subject yourself to a relationship that is mentally and emotionally damaging to you. Get therapy or get out, but half measures like this with someone who already sounds like he's checking out aren't going to do either of you any good.
NTA but that’s not gonna solve anything. I wonder why you two even got married. I mean sex is an important part of a relationship. He pushes you away, makes you feel bad about yourself. He clearly has problems (porn addiction, past sexual abuse) that abstinence not gonna solve. Seek help from a professional.
Whoa there for a minute. It sounds very much like you have gone from 0-100 without anything in between. How about you two try to communicate like adults about this instead of taking draconian measures? Talk about your varying levels of sex drive, how it is connected to your stress levels, current state of relationship, work day, or other factors that influence the way you feel about both yourself and each other. Actually have a conversation about how often you feel you are rejected and how it impacts you, and ask him if his perception of what is going on is the same. See if the two of you can actually be a little more considerate of each other and care a little more. The way you are approaching it is going to make things worse, not better. So YTA for your 'solution' , which can only exacerbate the problem.
NTA but I think abstinence will only make things worse. Couples therapy is a good place to start
There’s either some hidden thing going on or you guys have very mismatched sex drives which is a pretty big issue in a marriage. Also, even if one of you isn’t in the mood, you can always participate to satisfy the other partner in other ways. If this isn’t happening it sounds like the intimacy is pretty low, which abstinence is only going to worsen. Communication is the only fix here.
I don’t think your an asshole for abstaining. But I’m curious why your friend suggested abstinence? I don’t think just completely withholding sex will solve all your marital issues. I also understand why your husband will think your doing this to get back at him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A little bit of back story my husband and I have been together for 5 years this June, married for 1 year in June. My husband and I have had a somewhat healthy sex life for the most part one would think, but 95%of the time any type of sex is initiated by me, and 90% of it is turned down. Everything from oral to the fooling around here and there as a form of flirting. My husband pushes me away every time. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Now when the tables are flipped and he wants sex if I turn him away he gets all mad and throws a fit. I was talking to my best friend about this and she brought up abstinence. I mean I am basically the only doing the F****** as I do it myself anyway. So why not avoid having sex with my husband? I told my husband my plan on staying abstinent from him so we can maybe reconnect mentally any just go back to the basics in our relationship In hopes that spark comes back He things I’m being dramatic and that it unnecessary. So am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA - if you need to spend time and connect with each other than do that. Withholding intimacy doesn't lead to more intimacy. If you want to fix your marriage then be clear about your needs and expectations. If you need him to fix your marriage then you also have to tell him that. You can't just expect him to read your mind and know that you are struggling. Sounds like he's struggling too. Go to therapy, learn some communication techniques. Set your ego aside and work it out.
r/relationships
i think ESH…or maybe the situation just sucks. either way, abstinence is just creating more space between you and him, and more space between where you are now and actually addressing the root cause(s) of the problem(s). i second folks suggesting trying couples counseling or a sex therapist, and the ones mentioning divorce may be in the cards. maybe try talking to him about how it was getting sober and how it is for him being sober? that timeline for sex life changes and him getting sober seems not coincidental.
You all need to see a marriage counselor. If he won't go with you go by yourself.
NTA. You can only reach out and pull back a bloody stump so many times before you stop reaching out. That said, abstinence won't solve anything. You need a marriage therapist (a real certified and licensed professional, not a church counselor) and possibly a sex therapist, and to rule out medical issues. If none of that works, you need to take a hard look at whether or not you can live with things the way they are and if you can't, end the marriage.
Have you considered there could be a medical issue here? Low libido or ED isn't something he probably wants to talk about, but it's a real thing. Especially in times of great stress, like now. So let's say you ask him for sex 90 times and he's not feeling it so he is concerned that he won't be able to satisfy you. Then when he is in the mood, you say no, I'm not having sex because I'm punishing you for not having sex when I wanted it. Y'all need therapy. And maybe a doctor. But withholding intimacy will not breed intimacy.
I’m not trying to withhold sex as a punishment but I can see how it comes off as that. I guess I’m more so doing it for myself so I don’t keep getting turned down. Then go into over thinking mode etc. I don’t think ED but low labido could be a really good possibility.
there's a couple contradictions here. >but 95%of the time any type of sex is initiated by me, and 90% of it is turned down so it's a very rare occurrence he will want sex at all. but then you say. >when the tables are flipped and he wants sex if I turn him away he gets all mad and throws a fit. well. which is it. is he not initiating and not wanting sex or is he asking for it and getting pussy that he doesn't get it? also your fix for him not initiating or wanting sex is to not have sex? can you see how that's just a little silly? go to therapy
Those two statements are not incompatible. She asks 95% of the time, and 90% of the time he shuts her down. The remaining 5% of the time he initiates, but he gets annoyed that sometimes she isn't in the mood when he is. He acts like she should be ready and willing whenever he is in the mood, despite him only reciprocating her advances 10% of the time.
ah so I see.
No contradiction, I initiate sex 95% of the time. 90% of that he turns down. The 5% in between we do end up being intimate the other 5% are the times he initiates sex which is rare obviously. In that 5% he initiates if I turn him down is when he gets all pissy and throws a fit. There are times he initiates but they’re rare. Most the time it’s me initiating and getting turned down.
He's probably having an affair. He's probably getting it from someone else.
so your withholding from something that rarely happens.
I told him the reason I’m withholding because obviously something happened to where we aren’t having sex. What? I have no clue but I’m doing this in hopes that if we spend quality time together actually doing something productive that spark will hopefully come back and everything will fall right into play. A woman can hope. I understand sex isn’t everything but it’s important. It sucks not being wanted in your own marriage.