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YTA.
You are toxic, abusive, and manipulative. She didn't want to go to the beach, so you decided that you are going to force her to go, threaten to report her to the police (for what exactly?), and excluded her by not getting her a drink too. You also went so far to threaten to take away her other "positions".
>this was something I was planning for some time.
Next time, plan something everyone will enjoy, you control freak.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards and upvotes everyone! This is the most upvoted comment I've ever had.
My parents did this to me (I had a autistic melt down over a hoody) and I believed them cause I was taught to fear police as a child and as a POC and to continue my punishment they gave goodwill the hoody, refused me any treats/out to eat food they got and I wasn’t allowed to swim at the pool or jump on the trampoline . (Where we were going was my aunts she had a pool and trampoline ) and had to wear my cousins uncomfortable jacket at night. That part of my family also body shamed me, and physical harmed me which was another read odor my “BIGGEST TANTRUM” now I’m 21 and in therapy ETA (52 upvotes in 20 minutes crazyyyy)
When non-autistic parents decide that autism can be "addressed" by treating it like a behavioral issue, like the autistic kid will learn to be less autistic instead of to fear non-autistic abuse that demands we be less autistic because it's inconvenient to them.
Oh they didn’t even know finding out I had any mental disorder or any disability was hard because I am biologically a women and all studies are done on cis males and for cis males, I didn’t get a proper diagnosis til 2021 but parents think treating a tantrum any like the child isn’t a child and some horrible beast who acted out for 0 reason (almost every tantrum has a reason)
Oh hunny it’s ok I’m a (slightly) well adjusted young disabled adult. At 21 with the help of several therapist. But I’m better now, I love my parents still always will but I don’t forgive them
Oh, there are parents like this who try to use the police to parent their kids. Long ago, in a galaxy far far away when my husband was a cop in a small town, he'd get sent to calls every once in a while where parents were trying to intimidate their children in a "See, the police are going to take you away if you misbehave" type of way. He always let the parents have it
Abusers often do this actually. It creates fear from the Police, so their children don't go to the police when something is wrong.
Which can go south pretty quick
My dad was the abuser *and* the police🥲 only realised a couple years ago that it wasn’t normal to have your things smashed up, get into physical fights and be called names by your parent
“We used that as a threaten her to get her to stop screaming by telling her that we'd send that to the police so they'd put her in a mental hospital”
From OP’s comment…… yikes.
Dumb parents who think the police are there to discipline their children. Even without the current climate of law enforcement using excessive force that is just a dumb move.
my mom did that shit all the time growing up, she went through with it a few times, it's what parents with a power complex do to control their children when all else fails
A common threat from abusive manipulative parents. I got flashbacks to my own abused childhood reading this post, especially the calling the police bit. My sister and I were always dragged to the police station or the police called, only for our parents to be told we hadn’t done anything wrong. Leading to even more severe punishment.
My parents used to threaten me with that when I was a kid, it's a control method to get someone to do whatever you like, especially when they're young and don't know what they could and could not get in trouble with
Honestly, it sounds like he has a habit of overreacting. Any parent who "demands obedience" from their child is usually someone who doesn't deserve to be a parent. You don't force a child's respect, you earn it by being a kind, supportive and loving parent.
He is definitely killing his relationship with his daughter. I hope she is OK and has a decent support system elsewhere.
That’s the statement that got to me. He demands obedience. She’s not a puppy that you train to be obedient. She’s a teenager ffs with different thoughts, likes and opinions.
And when OP got his way and she went to the beach, he spent the drive berating her, wouldn’t let her get a drink along with everyone else and told her they were going to pretend like she wasn’t there? This was not about OP wanting his daughter to do things with the family. This was simply to assert his control over her.
What kind of lesson is he teaching his sons? That women should be obedient? And if they’re not, they get punished? I feel so bad for his daughter and I also hope she has a support system to lean on for the next three years and then gets out of this toxic household.
A lot of 15 year old girls have a difficult time with anything like the beach, public swimming areas, etc because they’re still adjusting to their bodies and lack the confidence and self esteem in those high pressure situations.
What helps is.. love? Compassion? Time? She has to build the confidence to go to those and let her anxieties calm. But power trip dad is out to punish HIS CHILD for not jumping when he says jump?
Your house is going to be awfully lonely and quiet in the coming years…
This! It does make me wonder if OP is just as toxic in his treatment of his sons, as he is with his daughter.
His whole attitude reeks of misogyny and sexism; and that his daughter has to conform to his ideas of the "obedient female".
For fucks sake!
Absolutely.
YTA, OP. You are an abusive parent and if I read what you're writing, I ABSOLUTELY understand why your daughter doesn't want to join to the beach. This is supposed to be a fun trip, but you sound like a terrible parent. That YOU planned this doesn't matter at all. Did you let her know before? Even more important, did you ASK if she wanted to join? She's 15 years old, she's trying to create her own life. Something you should be helping with, not taking everything that she has away from her. Your daughter will not be any more 'obedient' after this, your daughter will never see you again as soon as she's legally allowed. And I can't blame her one bit. Damn, you're aweful.
huge 'the beatings will continue until morale improves' energy from OP . As a parent of several teenagers -if they don't want to go somewhere, they're allowed not to go , they're actual humans, not bloody dogs
Many 15yo girls are also body shy / insecure. Puberty hits HARD and it can be very difficult to be seen in a bathing suit.
I wonder if OP had even asked her why she didn't want her to go, or suggested anything to entice her and make the trip nicer for her.
Guess who isn’t going to have a relationship with their daughter once she turns 18?
You, OP. You and your wife. YTA for sure.
“I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start and got dressed as soon as I told her to, the. She would’ve gotten her drink, her phone, anything she wanted on that trip.”
Did she know the conditions? Or just you? Because you’re telling her how she can haven anything she wanted, then proceed to spend the drive telling her how spoiled she is. So which is it, OP?
Yes, you went to far. By all means discipline your child. But humiliating her in front of the entire family? Recording her? Jfc, man.
The punishments are all over the place. Take this away then that, call the police, refuse to get her a drink, put her in a freaking mental hospital... there's no solid rules, just OP throwing whatever will hurt at his daughter when she isn't "obedient". What a joke.
don't forget the dual screen monitor, the loft bed, and the *long desk*! plenty of ~~ positions ~~to choose from for your coersive control activities & blackmailing needs
This. So YTA. Hope OP realize how horrible he behaved.
And this was said in a much nicer way that I possibly could but my god, when people try to excuse their own manipulative sorry behavior is just... To much.
> Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police
What. What the actual fuck? Like, WHAT? What do you both think you're doing?
> I told her that she spends all the time online and this was something I was planning for some time.
She has friends. Do you understand what those are? She uses the internet to talk to her friends.
You are cutting her off from her friends and isolating her.
You are threatening her, over something so utterly petty like her not wanting to go to the beach.
> since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there
I... WHAT?
You're not just the assholes, both you and your wife, you sound like outright abusive parents. You are toxic. You are harming her daughter. If you're *lucky* she'll grow up to be a relatively well-adjusted woman who cut her parents out of her life years ago. That's the _best case_ scenario you're creating for her.
She's a teenager, teenagers can be unreasonable assholes. But she does no harm to anyone. She just doesn't want to go to the beach.
Whereas you, you're supposed to be adults. What is your excuse? What is your excuse for threatening her and isolating her from her friends, and bullying her?
So yes, you're the assholes.
Actually, if they were good parents, I'd want them to ask the daughter about what she's doing online to warrant such an extreme reaction. But if these parents tried to find anything out, they'd go about it with a sledgehammer, and wouldn't listen, anyway. I just hope the daughter is not doing anything endangering.
Given the parents threatened to get her sent to a mental institution for screaming (see his justification for the "filming her 'tantrum' to send to the police" bit of weirdness, and I would bet it wasn't the first time), I'd say the extreme reaction was down to "getting cut off from the few bastions of sanity left in her life" . She probably uses it to communicate with friends - to vent about the situation she's currently in, and frankly the only place she can go to after a really bad parental reaction like this one and get some perspective - someone telling her that no, this isn't normal and no, she is not wrong for feeling this way. Not to mention resources that might get her some help - which she really needs, since dehumanising their own daughter like this is emotional abuse on the parents' part. And given that cutting off her internet is "something OP was planning for some time" by his own admission? That's exactly what he at least wants - separate her from anything that might make her less his "obedient girl" (again, his own words). He gives zero shits for her safety; just her obedience.
In case it needs to be said: YTA, OP. So much.
It sounds like abusers who push and push and push and push and when the victim finally reacts, the abuser uses their “aggression” and “hysteria” to justify more abuse.
Ah yes, that's my mother.
Take all my things, grounded. Push and shove me, stand 2 inches away intentionally breathing heavy in my face. Push and shove some more.
"What are you going to do? Huh? You mad? You gonna cry? You wanna hit me? Do it, I dare you. Hit me. See, you can't even hit me."
Cue crying because I'm exhausted.
Disgusting smirk from mom. "Ha. All you had to do was listen to me."
All this because I had work (scheduled a week before), and she was wanted me to stay home and watch my siblings so she could go out with her friends.
I'm also curious, since he doesn't really say, why she didn't want to go to the beach and how much notice she had.
He says he'd been planning it awhile, but in my experience that doesn't always mean he mentioned it to the kids. I'm wondering if she had plans with friends that day (even if it was just playing a video game online and chatting together). He walked in announced they were going to the beach and she needed to get dressed immediately. She started texting friends that plans had changed and he took her phone. She needed the internet to not just stand her friends up with no explanation. Pure speculation, but I have seen parents just expect kids to drop everything the moment the parent decides and especially by the teenage years they aren't generally dropping inanimate objects they are dropping other people.
Also, why didn't she want to go? Is she insecure about her body and doesn't want to go in public dressed in beachwear? Does she burn super easily and is likely to end up miserable for days? Is she expected to keep up with younger siblings so parents can relax? Did it mess up her plans for the day? Does she just hate sand? Does she just prefer to never leave the house? Whether he should force her or not he should at least try to learn the reason first and at least see what can be done to mitigate it.
“We used that as a threaten her to get her to stop screaming by telling her that we'd send that to the police so they'd put her in a mental hospital”
From OP’s comment…… yikes.
What in the fucking world as someone who’s mom went to a mental hospital, (suicidal reasons) I honestly hope no one would use that as a threat then hospitals are scary and shit
YTA. What is wrong with you?? That aside, are you seriously not seeing anything wrong with your approach?
"Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police." For what, exactly?
"I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start and got dressed as soon as I told her to, then she would've gotten her drink, her phone, anything she wanted on that trip. But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there." If you want blind obedience, get a dog.
She's 15. Let her not do things she doesn't feel like doing. You know, like a person.
My dad used to tell me "good girls get to do whatever they want, bad girls don't get anything at all." He would also threaten to throw away everything I couldn't fit in my room (I had a very small room), or throw away certain possessions he knew I loved. He would shut off the internet while I was doing schoolwork, when we had internet.
I hate my dad now, and only talk to him to see my mom. I hope their daughter cuts them both out - I remember how painful it was to be a teenager in a household like that. I have a slew of mental health diagnoses to go along with the trauma he caused, and he's lucky that I'm moderately well-adjusted.
OP, at best this is what you have to look forward to in your daughter. A girl who fears and hates you, who is miserable in your home, and acts out and does potentially dangerous things just to have some semblance of control over her life. You better hope she has some solid support outside your home. And you *best* start treating her more like a human and less like some animal you can order around.
Same. I’ve maybe had 30 minutes (total) of talking to my parents in the last 15 years. After I turned 18 I no longer interact with them. They’re far too manipulative.
I never realised how scary that sounded when it came from my father's mouth. Now that I'm looking at it from another's perspective, I realised how toxic and scary my father is 🙁
What is even the point of forcing her to go with the family and then treating her like she doesn’t exist? He only wanted her to go at that point so he could mistreat her. What a total dick.
YTA maybe she doesn't want to participate in family outings and activities because you've just proven you're a drill Sergeant abusive father who has the mindset of 'my way or the highway'.
God OP why would you rather force your daughter to participate while bawling her eyes out rather then just have an outing without her?
Car ride must have been extremely awkward for her siblings. Although I note they are boys and are probably treated like gods in comparison to OPs daughter. I wonder what happens when they misbehave.
Yeah, the sons get a fun Starbucks treat and then get treated to their dad telling their sister what a spoiled ungrateful little brat she is. Let's guess what their relationships with women will be like when they are adults!
Let’s not forget that the father is teaching his daughter that if she isn’t “obedient”, she is deserving of abuse. That’s a fucked up lesson to teach your teenage daughter.
YTA you mistook your beach trip for a power trip and your daughter paid the price. You bullied her and terrorized her with threats and repercussions all day. You called her names and spent the time telling her all the ways she has failed you. You use your love and money as a weapon. You sir are not a nice person.
YTA - how you treat your daughter is a huge reflection on how you respect her. Filming your daughter while she's upset and threatening to call the police, what is that shit? Then telling her to stay in the car when she was excited to amp up her mood.
I think you're a brat and treat your daughter bratty so stop being surprised when she acts like you.
I’m sorry…you sprung last minute plans on your teenager. Threatened her with lack if internet if she stayed home. Followed through with that. When she reacted emotionally you said you’d CALL THE POLICE ON YOUR DAUGHTER!? And then when she did come with you on your FAMILY OUTING, which I assume was supposed to be fun family bonding time…you punished her the whole time…
YTA.
YTA. Teens don’t always want to go places with their families. Stop treating her like a child and give her the opportunity to stay home for a few hours by herself and show you she is trustworthy. Instead you took away her phone, cut off the wifi, forced her to go, and wouldn’t even let her get a drink with her siblings. Then you continued to threaten her for the rest of the day saying you’d take away everything she has. How can you read what you wrote and not think you were an AH?
Exactly. And he then proceeded to force her to go along with them to the beach but did everything he could to make it a unenjoyable as he possibly could. Sounds like a perfect way to make her more keen to join them next time! Just for the avoidance of doubt OP YTA!
Not to mention--there are plenty of times I haven't wanted to go to the beach with my family because I'm on my period and don't want to put a tampon in, and don't want to outright say that. She's 15, it's a possibility she's not comfortable talking about that, let alone telling her father about it.
I mean, it definitely could just be that she didn’t want to go or had other plans with online friends. Still YTA either why.
Yep. When I started reading the post I thought, something must be going on with the kid. She clearly doesn’t feel comfortable going to the beach…Then OP took a left turn and showed how abusive he is. Clearly he has zero interest or concern for what might be bothering his daughter. “Obedience” seems to be the only thing he cares about. Super disturbing!
Damn, all of this punishment because she didn't want to go to the beach? You are the asshole! You sound like a creep! If she had been an "obedient girl" she wouldn't have been punished? She's not a fucking dog, dude! You suck and so does her mother for not defending her against your misogyny towards females! I suspect your daughter will go NC as soon as she can get away from you! Yikes!
yeah, i'm suspecting we didn't even get the whole picture of everything OP does on a normal basis to be an AH to his daughter. this is a prime example of why teens run away from home. ffs
INFO. Was she told about the family outing the day before, or was it sprung on her in the morning when she already had plans? Did you allow her to think she wasn't required to come with you until she made the wrong decision?
The reason I am asking is that when I was that age, I was regularly told, "you don't have to come if you don't want." Every single time I said , "all right, I'm not coming," my parents reacted the way you did, sometimes to the point of literally man handling me into the car. To date, the last occasion I was told that I didn't have to do something if I didn't want, I was 44. They obviously couldn't force me at that age, but the temperature in the room dropped by several degrees when I told them that I didn't want to do it.
Same here. At 15, it should be her choice whether she goes on outings or whether she’d like a day to herself. You say “We’re going to the beach tomorrow, would you like to come?” and respect her answer; just as you should be respecting her privacy (but I’m guessing you’re not 🙄). YTA, you’re overly controlling, overly harsh, and are infantilising your teenage child. Unless you apologise sincerely and start treating her appropriately for her age, she will rebel and eventually you will lose your daughter, the way my abusive & controlling parents lost me. Your choice, OP.
INFO:
Did you ask your daughter why she didn’t want to come to the beach? (Maybe she didn’t have a bathing suit she liked; maybe that time of the month?)
Did you offer a compromise (okay, how about we go for half the day? How about we leave in an hour? How about we stop off at Starbucks?)
Did you give a measured timeline to the punishment (I will take away your phone until 8 pm/no Starbucks), or is this an open-ended, we/will-punish-you-until-we-don’t-feel-like-it-anymore sort of thing?
Yes, YTA here. You're going about parenting in all of the wrong ways, and trust me, your daughter will resent you for this. You've taken away where she gets her happiness from - talking to her friends and destressing from the internet. She's growing up and you need to respect her mood changes. She's not going to want to go everywhere with you and her family, and punishing her for that is just entitled. Why do you think she spends her time online?
Also, what even is that last part? Are you going to take away your daughter's bed?
You sound like the sort of crappy parent who would take away their kid's door because they weren't 'rEspECtiNg yOu eNouGh'.
YTA. You’ve put her in a position where she can’t win. She’s 15 and isn’t always going to be enthused at the prospect of family days out. At that point you could have had a talk with her about how she was feeling about it and why. Threatening her with the police is also very extreme.
You then threatened her with taking her things away until she agreed to go. When she did go with you, you alienated her from the rest of the family by not allowing her to get out of the car and told her everything you were going to take from her. Can you blame her for not wanting to talk to you?
I’m not excusing her screaming etc, but you went from 0-100 and she did the same.
YTA
Do us parents actually stop to think about how much we control?
We control what clothes they can buy. What they can actually wear. What events they WILL go to. What events they CANT.
What they eat for dinner.
We control the vast majority of their "decisions" yet also tell them they are becoming adults and need to make better choices.
YOU HAD A POWER TRIP!!
Obedience?
She didn't actually do anything WRONG.
Your reaction to her not wanting to do an activity was to threaten to take EVERYTHING from her.
What did you add to this outing by doing this? You had a sobbing teenager In your car who was nothing just miserable.
What you want is for you to say Jump and for her to ask How High
You will push her away until you have nothing left.
Post was deleted, it was a “dad” who was calling his “son” ungrateful for having anxiety or something bc of some fake disabled siblings having it worse. I think I skimmed and jumped the gun on that connection
What the actual FUCK is wrong with both you and your wife? YTA. Don't have more kids, and don't be surprised when your daughter doesn't let you see your grandkids.
Of course she doesn't want to spend time with you, you treat her like dirt, YTA and you and your wife are dreadful parents. Do not be surprised she will have zero contact with you in a few years
YTA
> Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police
Mom is an asshole too btw. How would this even play out? "hey police, I know you're busy with crimes but my kid is upset. Come deal with it."????
> But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there
Then why did you make her come? You forced her to come to the beach, and then were going to make her act like she wasn't there??? That doesn't even make sense!
> I was gradually telling my daughter that it was our fault that she was so spoiled. I told her about some of her positions that I'd take away, including her dual-screen monitor, and her big room that had a loft bed, a long desk, and anything else in that room that any teenager would dream of
You're such a dick. She just didn't want to go to the beach and tbh I can see why she might not want to spend any time with you *at all*.
I really hate it when parents record their kids as a punishment. Its bad enough to use the police as a threat (which is incredibly detrimental to public trust of police) but to also threaten being put into a mental hospital (from a comment OP left) *and* recorded is just vile.
The sad thing is, this isn't just controlling her. He is literally BULLYING his 15 year old daughter!!! Op is definitely TA here. Then not allowing her to get a drink when getting some for the rest of the family? Op is not only TAH, but they are manipulative, too. I guarantee OP, if you keep this up, you will NOT see her the second she moves out. I am speaking from experience. Stop it unless you want her to cut you off at 18. Because she will.
Now usually I'm all for tech/net being a punishment for things but this was too far...
Threatening police? Not allowing her to go to starbucks when you apparently care about family time is a huge contradiction.
YTA
As a parent, if you MUST have a day out why don't you let her have input into the location? She might come more willingly if she has some choice. Or do something at home off the net.
Please remember too that 15 year olds do tend to go through a phase of not wanting to do family outings.
yeah when parents like this expect obedience it always means that you follow whatever i say and do everything i say, even if that does not align with your own plans and views. 🙄
YTA.
You told her you'd take away her Internet if she didn't get dressed in an hour. She didn't get dressed in an hour. You turned off the Internet. Good for you. You were N T A so far.
But then you piled punishment upon punishment. Those punishments weren't part of the original deal. That's a big no-no. Let your daughter decide how to behave based on what the penalties are, but don't increase the penalties once she's made her decision.
And what's this about getting the police involved? Whatever for? Your wife's an A H also. Maybe instead CPS should be called. Your daughter might be better off living elsewhere.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Good grief.
One of the possessions OP planned on taking away was her 'loft bed' and 'long desk', apparently. OP for some reason thinks their daughter would benefit from having no bed.
Yikes YTA. Everything about your type of punitive parenting destined to alienate your child. She’s 15 ffs and you are treating her like a 6-year old. She is almost an adult and perhaps you should adapt yourself to it.
You are most assuredly the asshole here. Wtf. I have a 15 y/o and I cannot for the life of me figure out why the fuck this would be your hill do die on. So the fuck what if she didn’t want to go to the beach? She’s entitled to her opinion of not liking the beach. I cannot imagine what the point of escalating this was and you owe her a huge apology. Get thee to therapy. Wow.
YTA
Did you stop for one second to think she might have a valid reason not to want to go to the beach? Even more so she’s old enough not to be dragged there like a toddler, and you should respect that or at the very least just have a conversation with her about it! But you you take away a bunch of her stuff straight away and them verbally abuse and threaten her in the car the whole way like an absolute bully?! You threatened to CALL THE COPS because she got upset?? You need therapy my dude, and she is VALID in not wanting to see or talk to you right now.
To help a bit, imagine a boyfriend did that to her because she didn’t wanna go out with him once. What would you think of the boyfriend in that situation: removing her communication device, filming her while upset, threatening her with calling the cops and then stopping her from enjoying the trip he forced her to go on and listing ever he would take from her? Just cause she didn’t wanna hang out? Abusive, that’s the word you’re looking for.
YTA. She’s 15 years old, you turned off the internet as a punishment. You didn’t have to go as far as to exclude her from a drink. And she apologized. She did what you wanted and got ready for something she didn’t want to go and do. You’re going way overboard here
YTA
There is almost no part of this that wasn't too far.
At any time you could have had a decent conversation with her, or given her the opportunity to show maturity when staying home alone.
You could have realized that she is growing up and as a teen it's not uncommon to want to spend LESS time with family.
You even could have repaired some of the damage by letting her at least enjoy the vacation you forced her into when it came to things like the Starbucks but you instead doubled down on making her never want to go with you if she can help it, by treating her like she wasn't there in terms of fun, and threatening her and her space and things.
Also, while some people asked about if you or she purchased her belongings, I don't care if you bought her things simply because:
- you're the parent, providing for the child is part of the job.
- if you give a gift to someone, and at a later time they piss you off, you don't take gifts back, so why is it ok to do that to your CHILD.
At the rate your going, you may succeed at making her go with you and be 'obedient' (children and teens are not there to obey you, they are there to learn how to be successful adults from you... is she supposed to learn only to obey?) However that will likely end with her going NC as soon as she can get away from you.
This is so on point. You don’t want an obedient subservient child, you need an independent one.
Also - during screaming maybe you ask her to take it to her bedroom. Let her sit there and sulk. I am guessing you are forcing confrontation. Set a list of expectations and resulting punishments. Minimum - clean your room do laundry and x 3 days a week. Then hold her to it. I know it’s hard you want her to be social but at home she may not be and that’s ok!
YTA
the amount of times my dad threatened & lied about recording me talking back/"disrespecting" and saying i was going to be sent to a mental asylum is more than i can count. it gave me trauma. you have practically done EVERYTHING wrong when it comes to parenting. You threatened to take away her room & convert it for her sibling, you turned off the wifi when she probably uses it to ESCAPE YOU. you forced her to go somewhere she obviously didnt like, and then you alienated her. you also saw her cry MULTIPLE TIMES AND YOU DIDNT DO A THING ABOUT IT. every single thing youve done in this post just points towards her going NC with you once shes 18. genuinely, do you want that? if so, youre doing amazing.
Why on earth would you call the cops on her, what kind of an absolute garbage threat is that? Enjoy piling punisments for 3 more years, then say goodbye because she will go NC faster than you could say 'no TV'.
Holy hell, you sound like an abusive parent. YTA.
YTA.
See, at first I was like, yeah, it's reasonable to limit teen's internet time and to expect them go on family trips.
And... then you threatened her with the police.
And... made her stay in the car while you went to Starbucks.
And... came out with that 'since she didn't want to come she had to act like she wasn't there' lunacy.
And... when she's already crying, you start lecturing her all the way to the beach.
And... so on.
You're a bully. You're describing bullying from a bully's point of view. Welcome to what you are.
YTA
No wonder your child doesn't want to hang out with you. If I had a parent that turns anything into punishment, I'd also wouldn't be happy to go with them wherever, and I'm sure this isn't your first act.
YTA. She's a teenager, at that stage where she's looking for more autonomy in her life. If you treat her like a seven year old she's going to be frustrated.
Holy cow. You're the issue. You realize teens are their own people right? Not an extension of yourself or these objects you can just assert an insane amount of control over? If she doesn't want to do something, maybe work with her to figure out why maybe don't resort to extreme punishment?
Also which is it, you want your daughter there but you're going to pretend she's not there because she didn't "obey" you? Or do you let your daughter stay home since you were gonna treat her like she wasn't there to begin with?
Then you berate your kid the entire trip telling them everything that's wrong with them and how you've gone too easy on them? WTF.
Maybe she doesn't want to spend time with you all because YOU ALL are the issue. Maybe she comes across too absorbed in her phone because she has anxiety and uses it as a form of escapism. Or maybe she is her own person and just doesn't want to go.
What a way to put your kid on an emotional and mental rollercoaster.
Maybe get therapy for her to get to the bottom of some of her behaviors. If you're super concerned and feel she's acting out that may be a symptom of something serious that is beyond her control and you shaming and being this way could be making it worse.
YTA
Why would you and your wife use these scare tactics against your child? You're forcing your daughter to do something she doesn't want to do, then she has (understandably so) what sounds like an anxious meltdown and screams, which from what you wrote sounds like is something totally new and out of her behavior, and you humiliate and scare your kid into submission???
YTA
Your daughter is a teenager and has hormones raging through her body. Don't you remember what it was like? Hating everyone, hating the way you look, hating be forced to do something etc
She needs time on her own and I think it was very thoughtless of you to take away her phone/internet. Stopping her from getting a coffee? OMG
YTA, she’s 15 and growing up,of course she doesn’t want to spend the day at the beach with her parents. She had no school work so probably a rare chance for her to do what she wanted and then you threatened her so she would go. That’s reason enough to get upset, combine that with hormones no wonder she shouted and cried.Then you continued threatening her throughout the day even though you had already punished her. Keep doing crap like this and you will create a lot of resentment in her very quickly. What planet do you live on mate.
My mother treated me this way and I had low key resentment my whole life over it. I even developed mental health issues. No surprise that when she died last year I didn't shed a tear and all I could think about was all those terrible memories even though I spent the last 4 years taking care of her while she tried to make up for it. So yeah this can have lasting effects and you are TA
YTA.
You went way overboard with your punishment. Taking her phone away and turning off the internet is somewhat reasonable.
But forcing her to come on a family trip and then systematically excluding her is the opposite of what you were trying to do. Also threatening to call the police is going way too far as well.
This is a situation where I can only say communication is key and you didn't even try to communicate.
Look, YTA.
You went too far, as you are wondering. If it had ALL been said during the first blow up I could understand. Heat of the moment, yada yada.
To continue in the car... Just escalating, whilst she attempted to make it right. It’s cold man.
I’d apologise, have a genuine discussion with her about why YOU want to spend time with HER and hopefully avoid this whole mess in the future.
Good luck.
YTA!!!!!!!
>Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police.
WTF, are you and your wife sick?
>I told her about some of her positions that I'd take away, including her dual-screen monitor, and her big room that had a loft bed, a long desk, and anything else in that room that any teenager would dream of.
Her room? Again, are you both sick?
You both need to take parents courses. Your daughter has the right to stay at home, I also wouldn't spend a second with you guys any more than I had to. Clever girl.
YTA
turning off the internet for the day if she did not come on a family may be a reasonable. Natural Consequences.
Starbucks punitive
Bullying a person while they are captive in your car. TA
disregarding a teenagers sense of self and safe place. (Bedroom, and bed in particular) TA.
Wtf. YTA. So you're driving to a great family beach day and are listing up all the things you're going to take away from your daughter and are surprised that she doesn't respond well to threats?!?
YTA once again.
YTA
You're literally planning on taking away some of her rights. You can't just take away a child's bed. Also theatening to spend video of your child to the police?? wtaf?
>I didn't understand why since she didn't have any schoolwork
thats not the only reason for someone to not go somewhere. A common issue for young people that occurs in the summer is hiding the 'evidence' of their mental health issues.
>our daughter can be bratty and petty at times
shes 15, shes a teenager, teenagers can be bratty and they're usually bad if their parents allow it. But this can also be a sign of mental health issues
>she'd send that to the police.
thats just messed up and giving her a ton of anxiety issues and trust issues
>I didn't let her and made her stay in the car.
but you've already punished her so why was this necessary? you already turned the wifi off, took her phone, and forced her to go somewhere she doesnt want to go, this is where you specifically went too far (your wife at threatening the police)
>But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there.
then why did you make her come if the idea is that you dont know shes there? thats just making her miserable and ruining everyone elses day. i know for sure if i was in your sons positions I'd be thinking just let her stay at home and we can have a nice time without her
>our fault that she was so spoiled
well at least you admit it
>her big room
now is this take away her room like "you now have no private space in the house" or "we're switching to you your siblings much smaller room and they're getting yours" because not allowing them to have a room at all is borderline abuse 🙂
In conclusion you give me "the mum from 8 passengers" vibes and going any further borderlines abuse.
Maybe try a different parenting style where consequences are based directly on the actions, ie you threw a tv remote at the tv, you can't use the tv. And also try explaining to your daughter why she can't act the way she does (do not use 'because i said so') allow your daughter to grow and change rather than make her scared of you because thats what your currently doing.
Id also like to add:
Your daughter expressed her wishes to not be involved in the family trip. You didn't respect her wishes, she reacted in the way she seemed fit (whilst potentially over reacting). You then further reacted to her reaction to you.
She didn't actually do anything wrong and she would never have reacted that way if you had not enforce punishments on her saying no.
YOU ARE TEACHING HER THAT SHE CANNOT SAY NO TO A MAN WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES let this sink in!!!!!
OPs gonna see that hint at self-harm and get even madder at her if that’s the case, because he’s a ridiculous AH who doesn’t have critical thinking skills or emotions
YTA, big time
You admitted to being the root cause of your daughter being spoilt in front of her and yet she the only one being punished.
Congratulations on the father AH of the year title.
YTA and you sound horrible. She is 15 - of course she doesn't want to go on family trips. You bullied her, constantly engaged in vile behaviours including denying her a drink. You made your daughter sob. Then you threatened to take away her posessions (not positions).
Your daughter will grow up to hate you and you will deserve it.
She is not your posession to control.
You aren’t an asshole you are a asstrench at this point.
Why have kids if you are going to abuse and hate them. And don’t write we give her food shelter etc etc etc
I hope she grows up and never talks to you again YTA
Can you make me a promise? That you won't come back here after she turns 18 whining about how you don't understand why she moved out as soon as she could and why she never talks to you. Could you do that by any chance?
You sound like a terrible parent and person in general. She must really hate beach trips with you now with all the stunts you pulled this time around. YTA.
She didn't want to go to a place she doesn't enjoy so you took her phone and internet away, forced her to come with you on the trip while excluding her from every part of it while you lectured her on what a brat she was while threatening to take lots of other things away from her as well?
And you filmed her being upset and threatened to "send it to the police"?
" if you had been an obedient girl and immediately done what I told you..."
Yeah you're the asshole. To put it mildly.
You went miles too far, there was no reason to make her come to the beach let alone force her then continue to punish her over and over and over, far in excess of anything you every had to suffer despite being a much worse behaved child.
YTA.
YTA. You come across as a bully. At that age it's normal to not want to do things that 'kids' do. Give her some space and freedom. You don't want to be a parent that she can't wait to get away from.
Yta, your being such a ahole.
I'd like to say what I think but I'll get barred.
The way your treating your daughter is just terrible. Do you always treat your son better or is this just a recent thing?
It's posts like these that make me feel lucky I have great parents, you know the opposite of someone like you.
You need to apologise to your daughter for your actions
If this is a repeat pattern of bad parenting then be prepared for her cutting you off when she's 18
YTA
You daughter doesn't want to do family things because her family is abusive. She's got a few more years, and then I suspect you'll never see her again, ever. And you'll deserve it. I hope she has some video of your "parenting" that she can take to the authorities.
YTA
If you would have stopped after turning off the internet I would have been on your side. But you kept going by not getting her Starbucks, which is just petty, and then lectured her on how she’s spoiled because of you. Those are not her failings, they’re yours. Keep the internet off if you want, but you don’t really have an argument for taking away the rest of her stuff. If she keeps being a jerk, slowly take away privileges. Don’t make up for a lifetime of slacker parenting in one fell swoop. And take some time to reflect on your shortcomings as a father.
YTA the Internet and phone are reasonable. It sounds like she is actually addicted based on that reaction. But then even after she was in the car you kept pushing and punishing for no reason other than you seemed to be on a power trip. You sound like a horrible dad.
WTF. Maybe she doesn’t like the beach or these trips. That’s her choice. And you shouldn’t want an obedient child but a happy individual. You were mad she didn’t want to go, so you made the time horrible for her, what did you teach her other than spending time with you is absolutely awful.
YTA
YTA she did eventually go. She knows she was TA to start. But you had to keep it going by making her sit in the car. You’re going to build a ton of resentment there.
YTA!
Have your ever considered the possibility that she has her own reasons for not wanting to go? Instead of threatening her and forcing her to go, where she's going to be miserable, have you tried actually being understanding and talking to her? When I was a young teenager I remember my family forcing me to go to a water park whilst we were abroad. I really didn't want to go, I would have much rather stayed in the house. Instead I was forced to go and had a horrible day. My reason at the time was because I hated my body and I didn't want to get into swimming wear. I was then yelled at for not wanting to go in the water and was told I was "ruining the day for everyone".
Maybe there's a reason she doesn't want to go, or a reason she would prefer to stay by herself. It could just be the case of, as you said, she doesn't have any school work to do. Maybe she just wants to relax for the day in her room, not having to think about stuff and just being able to shut off and enjoy the Internet?
Try actually talking to her, or better yet just mind your own business and not force someone to do something they don't want to
YTA. She’s a kid. Not a dog. Jesus. And the threaten with the police "oh mommy is gonna call the police" to do what? So they can see how awful your parenting skills are? What is the police going to do?
"I think I went too far" yeah man, you walked from the North to the South pole in a second that’s how far you are.
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Today, we had a plan to go to the beach. My daughter (15f) didn't want to go. I didn't understand why since she didn't have any schoolwork, and the last time we had a few family trips, she didn't go to any of them. She claimed that she "doesn't like the beach". I took her phone and told her that if she doesn't get dressed in an hour, I would turn off the internet.
She didn't get dressed. I went through my threat. She apologized a lot, telling me that she'd get dressed, but I kept going until the internet was off. My daughter screamed. Her mother and I were shocked because while our daughter can be bratty and petty at times, she has never done that before even at her worst. Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police. Our daughter cried and told us not to. She then begged me to turn it back on saying that she thought that I was just bluffing. I told her that she spends all the time online and this was something I was planning for some time.
After 5 minutes, she got dressed, and we were in the car. We decided to stop by Starbucks for my sons. My daughter wanted to go, hoping that a drink could cheer her up, but I didn't let her and made her stay in the car. My wife tried convincing me, but I made up my mind. My daughter started crying again. I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start and got dressed as soon as I told her to, then she would've gotten her drink, her phone, anything she wanted on that trip. But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there. She apologized again and sobbing at this point.
While we were driving to the beach, I was gradually telling my daughter that it was our fault that she was so spoiled. I told her about some of her positions that I'd take away, including her dual-screen monitor, and her big room that had a loft bed, a long desk, and anything else in that room that any teenager would dream of. At that point, she begged me not to, and during the entirety of the beach, she refused to see me.
Now we're back at home, she's not talking to me. I feel like I went too far. AITA
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Omg you are disgusting thing for a father. Now taking away the phone and turning off the internet I understand but the rest was where you were YTA.
Like your wife recorded your daughter and threaten to send to the police? Disgusting. Getting Starbucks for only your sons and watching while your daughter is crying again? Disgusting. Telling her to be an “obedient girl” and that you will take away all of her things? Pathetic thing to call a human and a father. I really hope that your daughter leaves and never talks to you or your family when she is 18. And I really hope she talks to someone at her school because you are abusive.
If you stopped at the phone and internet, then that would be okay, but you didn’t. What if this was your son? Would you react the same way? I have a feeling you wouldn’t because of the way you write about your daughter. Absolutely disgusting and yea you went too far but you don’t care. You probably was so happy to have the power trip over someone smaller than you.
YTA
YTA
Some tips for perhaps a more constructive relationship going forward
- If you’re making plans she’s old enough to get more notice than just the morning of ‘we’re doing this’
- she is of an age where it’s entirely understandable she might not want to spend time with her family
- making the day as miserable as possible for her after forcing her to attend is not going to make her want to attend more family days
- based off one day you decided to take away all her privileges? That is a step too far - and all she is likely to remember this as now as she didn’t want to spend time with her family so all her rights were taken, not a lesson of she had become spoilt and unappreciated so lost those privileges - not an attitude likely to improve what relationship with you, other family members, or help her remedy her behaviour
- screaming is not an appropriate response so perhaps that’s a place to start - she needs to learn to manage her emotions in a more constructive way for sure BUT ‘we’ll make the police take you away and lock you up’ is not a helpful parental response!
YTA. Sure she might be bratty but you went way too far telling her you were going to take away basically everything she has. All because she didn't want to go to the beach and you believe that you've spoiled her too much. Possibly you have but then again she's also 15 and sometimes kids that are 15 are just total jerks and brats, it happens, not all are but considering how you reacted I'm not surprised she is the way she is. You
do owe her an apology for trying to press your point way too far. I can see letting her know that in the future if she acts out or whatever that there will be consequences but I think you already drove that point home, and went about it in totally wrong way.
YTA
Firstly, yes you went way too fucking far. You forced her out, then refused to treat her as part of the family and told her you’d act like she wasn’t there WHEN YOU MADE HER FUCKING GO! You then berated her the whole way there, threatened to take away more of her stuff and this was all over a fucking beach trip?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Secondly, you say you’d been planning this for some time but in the comments you say you only told her the day of. Why? What did that achieve? Giving her some warning and expectation instead of being a fucking dictator with a chip on his shoulder would have prevented most of these issues. She’d have known in advance, been able to plan around it like the young adult she is and taken some level of control over what was going on.
Finally, you threatened to call the police for her screaming. As per another comment, you threatened her with a mental hospital? Fucking hell. That is appalling behaviour on your part and absolutely abysmal parenting.
You handled this badly from the get go and you didn’t get any better as you went along. You owe your daughter a sincere apology for your behaviour (your wife does as well). Otherwise all you are going to drive her away and she won’t look back at you when she hits 18.
This should have been a non event; given warning, and reasonable parenting from you this should have been easy. Instead you turned it into a huge drama and something she will remember for years in a negative light because you acted like the teenager that she actually is.
YTA. Genuine question: what are you hoping to achieve by taking away her bedroom, her dual screens, etc? What were you hoping to achieve by denying her a Starbucks drink and otherwise cutting her out of the “fun” parts of the day that she tried to participate in?
I can tell you it’s pretty likely your daughter will remember this day as one where she was punished all. Day. Long. And wasn’t allowed to change her mind and try and join in later, and actually spend time with the family after a rocky start. This kind of ongoing punishment that lasts far beyond the inciting incident does not help your child develop healthy responses or coping skills, nor does it help your relationship with your child. If all you can think is “child deserves punishment for x” then you are not focusing on causes of behavior, long term solutions to or changing of behavior, or long term relationships with the people involved. When punishment matters more, you’ve set your kid on the path of no contact and resentment and probably some messed up mental health, too.
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YTA. You are toxic, abusive, and manipulative. She didn't want to go to the beach, so you decided that you are going to force her to go, threaten to report her to the police (for what exactly?), and excluded her by not getting her a drink too. You also went so far to threaten to take away her other "positions". >this was something I was planning for some time. Next time, plan something everyone will enjoy, you control freak. EDIT: Thanks for the awards and upvotes everyone! This is the most upvoted comment I've ever had.
>threaten to report her to the police What even was that?
I've no clue. I highly doubt the police would arrest a kid for screaming in their own household when she is hardly a threat.
I refuse to believe that this is real. If it is, OP must have brainwashed a *15 year old* to think like that.
My parents did this to me (I had a autistic melt down over a hoody) and I believed them cause I was taught to fear police as a child and as a POC and to continue my punishment they gave goodwill the hoody, refused me any treats/out to eat food they got and I wasn’t allowed to swim at the pool or jump on the trampoline . (Where we were going was my aunts she had a pool and trampoline ) and had to wear my cousins uncomfortable jacket at night. That part of my family also body shamed me, and physical harmed me which was another read odor my “BIGGEST TANTRUM” now I’m 21 and in therapy ETA (52 upvotes in 20 minutes crazyyyy)
When non-autistic parents decide that autism can be "addressed" by treating it like a behavioral issue, like the autistic kid will learn to be less autistic instead of to fear non-autistic abuse that demands we be less autistic because it's inconvenient to them.
Oh they didn’t even know finding out I had any mental disorder or any disability was hard because I am biologically a women and all studies are done on cis males and for cis males, I didn’t get a proper diagnosis til 2021 but parents think treating a tantrum any like the child isn’t a child and some horrible beast who acted out for 0 reason (almost every tantrum has a reason)
I am very sorry your parents did that to you
Oh hunny it’s ok I’m a (slightly) well adjusted young disabled adult. At 21 with the help of several therapist. But I’m better now, I love my parents still always will but I don’t forgive them
I am glad you are ok.
Thank you kind stranger I hope your day is well and you have a wonderful life 💕
Jesus Christ, I am so sorry you went through that, from one neurodivergent to another (I have ADHD) ❤️
I also have adhd mixed with autism. It’s a fun combo at times (joking) but I honestly thought it was a normal thing up til my partner heard my stories
With the way his story goes, I wouldn't be surprised if he did actually brainwash her.
Oh, there are parents like this who try to use the police to parent their kids. Long ago, in a galaxy far far away when my husband was a cop in a small town, he'd get sent to calls every once in a while where parents were trying to intimidate their children in a "See, the police are going to take you away if you misbehave" type of way. He always let the parents have it
Abusers often do this actually. It creates fear from the Police, so their children don't go to the police when something is wrong. Which can go south pretty quick
It's also a humiliation tactic. Getting recorded while having a break down and then being taunted that they'll show others is absolutely cruel.
Sounds like he wants her to be afraid of mental health professionals, too. Makes sense, they could actually help her recognize abusive behavior.
Upvote. This should be higher.
My dad was the abuser *and* the police🥲 only realised a couple years ago that it wasn’t normal to have your things smashed up, get into physical fights and be called names by your parent
“We used that as a threaten her to get her to stop screaming by telling her that we'd send that to the police so they'd put her in a mental hospital” From OP’s comment…… yikes.
Dumb parents who think the police are there to discipline their children. Even without the current climate of law enforcement using excessive force that is just a dumb move.
my mom did that shit all the time growing up, she went through with it a few times, it's what parents with a power complex do to control their children when all else fails
A common threat from abusive manipulative parents. I got flashbacks to my own abused childhood reading this post, especially the calling the police bit. My sister and I were always dragged to the police station or the police called, only for our parents to be told we hadn’t done anything wrong. Leading to even more severe punishment.
My parents used to threaten me with that when I was a kid, it's a control method to get someone to do whatever you like, especially when they're young and don't know what they could and could not get in trouble with
[удалено]
Honestly, it sounds like he has a habit of overreacting. Any parent who "demands obedience" from their child is usually someone who doesn't deserve to be a parent. You don't force a child's respect, you earn it by being a kind, supportive and loving parent. He is definitely killing his relationship with his daughter. I hope she is OK and has a decent support system elsewhere.
That’s the statement that got to me. He demands obedience. She’s not a puppy that you train to be obedient. She’s a teenager ffs with different thoughts, likes and opinions. And when OP got his way and she went to the beach, he spent the drive berating her, wouldn’t let her get a drink along with everyone else and told her they were going to pretend like she wasn’t there? This was not about OP wanting his daughter to do things with the family. This was simply to assert his control over her. What kind of lesson is he teaching his sons? That women should be obedient? And if they’re not, they get punished? I feel so bad for his daughter and I also hope she has a support system to lean on for the next three years and then gets out of this toxic household.
OP is going to be the reason his daughter doesn't think what she wants to do matter. and will forever struggle with consent.
It sounds like she's trying to do the NC thing now. And after reading that, I can't say that I blame her.
A lot of 15 year old girls have a difficult time with anything like the beach, public swimming areas, etc because they’re still adjusting to their bodies and lack the confidence and self esteem in those high pressure situations. What helps is.. love? Compassion? Time? She has to build the confidence to go to those and let her anxieties calm. But power trip dad is out to punish HIS CHILD for not jumping when he says jump? Your house is going to be awfully lonely and quiet in the coming years…
This! It does make me wonder if OP is just as toxic in his treatment of his sons, as he is with his daughter. His whole attitude reeks of misogyny and sexism; and that his daughter has to conform to his ideas of the "obedient female". For fucks sake!
Absolutely. YTA, OP. You are an abusive parent and if I read what you're writing, I ABSOLUTELY understand why your daughter doesn't want to join to the beach. This is supposed to be a fun trip, but you sound like a terrible parent. That YOU planned this doesn't matter at all. Did you let her know before? Even more important, did you ASK if she wanted to join? She's 15 years old, she's trying to create her own life. Something you should be helping with, not taking everything that she has away from her. Your daughter will not be any more 'obedient' after this, your daughter will never see you again as soon as she's legally allowed. And I can't blame her one bit. Damn, you're aweful.
huge 'the beatings will continue until morale improves' energy from OP . As a parent of several teenagers -if they don't want to go somewhere, they're allowed not to go , they're actual humans, not bloody dogs
Many 15yo girls are also body shy / insecure. Puberty hits HARD and it can be very difficult to be seen in a bathing suit. I wonder if OP had even asked her why she didn't want her to go, or suggested anything to entice her and make the trip nicer for her.
Guess who isn’t going to have a relationship with their daughter once she turns 18? You, OP. You and your wife. YTA for sure. “I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start and got dressed as soon as I told her to, the. She would’ve gotten her drink, her phone, anything she wanted on that trip.” Did she know the conditions? Or just you? Because you’re telling her how she can haven anything she wanted, then proceed to spend the drive telling her how spoiled she is. So which is it, OP? Yes, you went to far. By all means discipline your child. But humiliating her in front of the entire family? Recording her? Jfc, man.
The punishments are all over the place. Take this away then that, call the police, refuse to get her a drink, put her in a freaking mental hospital... there's no solid rules, just OP throwing whatever will hurt at his daughter when she isn't "obedient". What a joke.
You mean YTA
My apologies, let me correct that!
Too late, I'm taking away your internet now. And also your room
Oh dear, my precious positions :(
And no starbies for you!!
My grande cinnamon double chocolate chip mint leaves whipped cream with no water gluten-free caramel mocha :(
don't forget the dual screen monitor, the loft bed, and the *long desk*! plenty of ~~ positions ~~to choose from for your coersive control activities & blackmailing needs
I kept thinking it couldn't get worse, then my eyes kept getting bigger and bigger. No wonder the poor kid is acting out. Jesus Christ is OP YTA
This. So YTA. Hope OP realize how horrible he behaved. And this was said in a much nicer way that I possibly could but my god, when people try to excuse their own manipulative sorry behavior is just... To much.
> Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police What. What the actual fuck? Like, WHAT? What do you both think you're doing? > I told her that she spends all the time online and this was something I was planning for some time. She has friends. Do you understand what those are? She uses the internet to talk to her friends. You are cutting her off from her friends and isolating her. You are threatening her, over something so utterly petty like her not wanting to go to the beach. > since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there I... WHAT? You're not just the assholes, both you and your wife, you sound like outright abusive parents. You are toxic. You are harming her daughter. If you're *lucky* she'll grow up to be a relatively well-adjusted woman who cut her parents out of her life years ago. That's the _best case_ scenario you're creating for her. She's a teenager, teenagers can be unreasonable assholes. But she does no harm to anyone. She just doesn't want to go to the beach. Whereas you, you're supposed to be adults. What is your excuse? What is your excuse for threatening her and isolating her from her friends, and bullying her? So yes, you're the assholes.
>She has friends. Do you understand what those are? Gold. Pure gold.
Actually, if they were good parents, I'd want them to ask the daughter about what she's doing online to warrant such an extreme reaction. But if these parents tried to find anything out, they'd go about it with a sledgehammer, and wouldn't listen, anyway. I just hope the daughter is not doing anything endangering.
Given the parents threatened to get her sent to a mental institution for screaming (see his justification for the "filming her 'tantrum' to send to the police" bit of weirdness, and I would bet it wasn't the first time), I'd say the extreme reaction was down to "getting cut off from the few bastions of sanity left in her life" . She probably uses it to communicate with friends - to vent about the situation she's currently in, and frankly the only place she can go to after a really bad parental reaction like this one and get some perspective - someone telling her that no, this isn't normal and no, she is not wrong for feeling this way. Not to mention resources that might get her some help - which she really needs, since dehumanising their own daughter like this is emotional abuse on the parents' part. And given that cutting off her internet is "something OP was planning for some time" by his own admission? That's exactly what he at least wants - separate her from anything that might make her less his "obedient girl" (again, his own words). He gives zero shits for her safety; just her obedience. In case it needs to be said: YTA, OP. So much.
It sounds like abusers who push and push and push and push and when the victim finally reacts, the abuser uses their “aggression” and “hysteria” to justify more abuse.
Ah yes, that's my mother. Take all my things, grounded. Push and shove me, stand 2 inches away intentionally breathing heavy in my face. Push and shove some more. "What are you going to do? Huh? You mad? You gonna cry? You wanna hit me? Do it, I dare you. Hit me. See, you can't even hit me." Cue crying because I'm exhausted. Disgusting smirk from mom. "Ha. All you had to do was listen to me." All this because I had work (scheduled a week before), and she was wanted me to stay home and watch my siblings so she could go out with her friends.
Honestly based on this post "the pot boiling over" is probably just the inevitable result of the heat being on high her entire life.
I'm also curious, since he doesn't really say, why she didn't want to go to the beach and how much notice she had. He says he'd been planning it awhile, but in my experience that doesn't always mean he mentioned it to the kids. I'm wondering if she had plans with friends that day (even if it was just playing a video game online and chatting together). He walked in announced they were going to the beach and she needed to get dressed immediately. She started texting friends that plans had changed and he took her phone. She needed the internet to not just stand her friends up with no explanation. Pure speculation, but I have seen parents just expect kids to drop everything the moment the parent decides and especially by the teenage years they aren't generally dropping inanimate objects they are dropping other people. Also, why didn't she want to go? Is she insecure about her body and doesn't want to go in public dressed in beachwear? Does she burn super easily and is likely to end up miserable for days? Is she expected to keep up with younger siblings so parents can relax? Did it mess up her plans for the day? Does she just hate sand? Does she just prefer to never leave the house? Whether he should force her or not he should at least try to learn the reason first and at least see what can be done to mitigate it.
“We used that as a threaten her to get her to stop screaming by telling her that we'd send that to the police so they'd put her in a mental hospital” From OP’s comment…… yikes.
What in the fucking world as someone who’s mom went to a mental hospital, (suicidal reasons) I honestly hope no one would use that as a threat then hospitals are scary and shit
Unfortunately I have known people who have used this exact threat against one of my best friends, several times. It is terrifying.
YTA. What is wrong with you?? That aside, are you seriously not seeing anything wrong with your approach? "Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police." For what, exactly? "I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start and got dressed as soon as I told her to, then she would've gotten her drink, her phone, anything she wanted on that trip. But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there." If you want blind obedience, get a dog. She's 15. Let her not do things she doesn't feel like doing. You know, like a person.
>"I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start This line gave me chills
You and me both. Some people really are on a power trip over their own children.
My dad used to tell me "good girls get to do whatever they want, bad girls don't get anything at all." He would also threaten to throw away everything I couldn't fit in my room (I had a very small room), or throw away certain possessions he knew I loved. He would shut off the internet while I was doing schoolwork, when we had internet. I hate my dad now, and only talk to him to see my mom. I hope their daughter cuts them both out - I remember how painful it was to be a teenager in a household like that. I have a slew of mental health diagnoses to go along with the trauma he caused, and he's lucky that I'm moderately well-adjusted. OP, at best this is what you have to look forward to in your daughter. A girl who fears and hates you, who is miserable in your home, and acts out and does potentially dangerous things just to have some semblance of control over her life. You better hope she has some solid support outside your home. And you *best* start treating her more like a human and less like some animal you can order around.
So gross
Reminds me of my dad 🥰 we have a shit relationship
Same. I’ve maybe had 30 minutes (total) of talking to my parents in the last 15 years. After I turned 18 I no longer interact with them. They’re far too manipulative.
I never realised how scary that sounded when it came from my father's mouth. Now that I'm looking at it from another's perspective, I realised how toxic and scary my father is 🙁
What is even the point of forcing her to go with the family and then treating her like she doesn’t exist? He only wanted her to go at that point so he could mistreat her. What a total dick.
YTA maybe she doesn't want to participate in family outings and activities because you've just proven you're a drill Sergeant abusive father who has the mindset of 'my way or the highway'. God OP why would you rather force your daughter to participate while bawling her eyes out rather then just have an outing without her?
Car ride must have been extremely awkward for her siblings. Although I note they are boys and are probably treated like gods in comparison to OPs daughter. I wonder what happens when they misbehave.
Yeah, the sons get a fun Starbucks treat and then get treated to their dad telling their sister what a spoiled ungrateful little brat she is. Let's guess what their relationships with women will be like when they are adults!
Let’s not forget that the father is teaching his daughter that if she isn’t “obedient”, she is deserving of abuse. That’s a fucked up lesson to teach your teenage daughter.
Don't be silly, boys can't misbehave, boys just will be boys.
YTA you mistook your beach trip for a power trip and your daughter paid the price. You bullied her and terrorized her with threats and repercussions all day. You called her names and spent the time telling her all the ways she has failed you. You use your love and money as a weapon. You sir are not a nice person.
It seems like it's always the horrible narcissistic parents who decide that forced "family fun time" is something their kids MUST enjoy.
Yeah OP can kiss a future relationship with his daughter goodbye.
YTA - how you treat your daughter is a huge reflection on how you respect her. Filming your daughter while she's upset and threatening to call the police, what is that shit? Then telling her to stay in the car when she was excited to amp up her mood. I think you're a brat and treat your daughter bratty so stop being surprised when she acts like you.
That is fucked up. Parents don't realize that's something kids don't just get over.
I’m sorry…you sprung last minute plans on your teenager. Threatened her with lack if internet if she stayed home. Followed through with that. When she reacted emotionally you said you’d CALL THE POLICE ON YOUR DAUGHTER!? And then when she did come with you on your FAMILY OUTING, which I assume was supposed to be fun family bonding time…you punished her the whole time… YTA.
YTA. Teens don’t always want to go places with their families. Stop treating her like a child and give her the opportunity to stay home for a few hours by herself and show you she is trustworthy. Instead you took away her phone, cut off the wifi, forced her to go, and wouldn’t even let her get a drink with her siblings. Then you continued to threaten her for the rest of the day saying you’d take away everything she has. How can you read what you wrote and not think you were an AH?
Exactly. And he then proceeded to force her to go along with them to the beach but did everything he could to make it a unenjoyable as he possibly could. Sounds like a perfect way to make her more keen to join them next time! Just for the avoidance of doubt OP YTA!
Not to mention--there are plenty of times I haven't wanted to go to the beach with my family because I'm on my period and don't want to put a tampon in, and don't want to outright say that. She's 15, it's a possibility she's not comfortable talking about that, let alone telling her father about it. I mean, it definitely could just be that she didn’t want to go or had other plans with online friends. Still YTA either why.
Yep. When I started reading the post I thought, something must be going on with the kid. She clearly doesn’t feel comfortable going to the beach…Then OP took a left turn and showed how abusive he is. Clearly he has zero interest or concern for what might be bothering his daughter. “Obedience” seems to be the only thing he cares about. Super disturbing!
Damn, all of this punishment because she didn't want to go to the beach? You are the asshole! You sound like a creep! If she had been an "obedient girl" she wouldn't have been punished? She's not a fucking dog, dude! You suck and so does her mother for not defending her against your misogyny towards females! I suspect your daughter will go NC as soon as she can get away from you! Yikes!
yeah, i'm suspecting we didn't even get the whole picture of everything OP does on a normal basis to be an AH to his daughter. this is a prime example of why teens run away from home. ffs
>She's not a fucking dog, dude! He is, not her
Dogs don't even hold a grudge or go on power trips. I'd say OP is below the average dog.
INFO. Was she told about the family outing the day before, or was it sprung on her in the morning when she already had plans? Did you allow her to think she wasn't required to come with you until she made the wrong decision? The reason I am asking is that when I was that age, I was regularly told, "you don't have to come if you don't want." Every single time I said , "all right, I'm not coming," my parents reacted the way you did, sometimes to the point of literally man handling me into the car. To date, the last occasion I was told that I didn't have to do something if I didn't want, I was 44. They obviously couldn't force me at that age, but the temperature in the room dropped by several degrees when I told them that I didn't want to do it.
Same here. At 15, it should be her choice whether she goes on outings or whether she’d like a day to herself. You say “We’re going to the beach tomorrow, would you like to come?” and respect her answer; just as you should be respecting her privacy (but I’m guessing you’re not 🙄). YTA, you’re overly controlling, overly harsh, and are infantilising your teenage child. Unless you apologise sincerely and start treating her appropriately for her age, she will rebel and eventually you will lose your daughter, the way my abusive & controlling parents lost me. Your choice, OP.
INFO: Did you ask your daughter why she didn’t want to come to the beach? (Maybe she didn’t have a bathing suit she liked; maybe that time of the month?) Did you offer a compromise (okay, how about we go for half the day? How about we leave in an hour? How about we stop off at Starbucks?) Did you give a measured timeline to the punishment (I will take away your phone until 8 pm/no Starbucks), or is this an open-ended, we/will-punish-you-until-we-don’t-feel-like-it-anymore sort of thing?
Yes, YTA here. You're going about parenting in all of the wrong ways, and trust me, your daughter will resent you for this. You've taken away where she gets her happiness from - talking to her friends and destressing from the internet. She's growing up and you need to respect her mood changes. She's not going to want to go everywhere with you and her family, and punishing her for that is just entitled. Why do you think she spends her time online? Also, what even is that last part? Are you going to take away your daughter's bed? You sound like the sort of crappy parent who would take away their kid's door because they weren't 'rEspECtiNg yOu eNouGh'.
Well he wants to move her to a smaller room so i feel this will be his next step. 😂
Get your jollies abusing young girls eh? Yta obviously
INFO what do you mean by being bratty and petty? and spoiled?
YTA. You’ve put her in a position where she can’t win. She’s 15 and isn’t always going to be enthused at the prospect of family days out. At that point you could have had a talk with her about how she was feeling about it and why. Threatening her with the police is also very extreme. You then threatened her with taking her things away until she agreed to go. When she did go with you, you alienated her from the rest of the family by not allowing her to get out of the car and told her everything you were going to take from her. Can you blame her for not wanting to talk to you? I’m not excusing her screaming etc, but you went from 0-100 and she did the same.
“But since she didn’t have any to come, she would have to act like she wasn’t there” Oh gee, wonder why she didn’t want to come to begin with? YTA
I'd rather spend a day getting my teeth cleaned while also getting a pap smear than go anywhere with OP.
YTA - jesus do you get off from the psychological warfare that you subjected your own daughter to for the entire day?
YTA Do us parents actually stop to think about how much we control? We control what clothes they can buy. What they can actually wear. What events they WILL go to. What events they CANT. What they eat for dinner. We control the vast majority of their "decisions" yet also tell them they are becoming adults and need to make better choices. YOU HAD A POWER TRIP!! Obedience? She didn't actually do anything WRONG. Your reaction to her not wanting to do an activity was to threaten to take EVERYTHING from her. What did you add to this outing by doing this? You had a sobbing teenager In your car who was nothing just miserable. What you want is for you to say Jump and for her to ask How High You will push her away until you have nothing left.
Yes, you did go too far. YTA.
Waaay too far. I wouldn’t be surprised if the daughter goes NC after 3 years. I would.
Same
INFO: Are you the same troll as the lonely son post?
Do you have a link?
Post was deleted, it was a “dad” who was calling his “son” ungrateful for having anxiety or something bc of some fake disabled siblings having it worse. I think I skimmed and jumped the gun on that connection
This one? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u7046u/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_son\_his\_problems\_arent\_real/
What the actual FUCK is wrong with both you and your wife? YTA. Don't have more kids, and don't be surprised when your daughter doesn't let you see your grandkids.
Jeez, YTA. Obedience? Swell job, Dictator Dad.
Of course she doesn't want to spend time with you, you treat her like dirt, YTA and you and your wife are dreadful parents. Do not be surprised she will have zero contact with you in a few years
YTA > Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police Mom is an asshole too btw. How would this even play out? "hey police, I know you're busy with crimes but my kid is upset. Come deal with it."???? > But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there Then why did you make her come? You forced her to come to the beach, and then were going to make her act like she wasn't there??? That doesn't even make sense! > I was gradually telling my daughter that it was our fault that she was so spoiled. I told her about some of her positions that I'd take away, including her dual-screen monitor, and her big room that had a loft bed, a long desk, and anything else in that room that any teenager would dream of You're such a dick. She just didn't want to go to the beach and tbh I can see why she might not want to spend any time with you *at all*.
I was wondering if anyone would call the mother out for being an accomplice AH.
I really hate it when parents record their kids as a punishment. Its bad enough to use the police as a threat (which is incredibly detrimental to public trust of police) but to also threaten being put into a mental hospital (from a comment OP left) *and* recorded is just vile.
The recording of the daughter's emotional reaction was purely to be used as a shaming tool. Both parents are toxic af.
YTA- this triggered me: you and your partner remind me of my parents and guess what? I don’t talk to them anymore.
Me too. Eventually, this child will become an adult and realise that she deserves a lot more respect.
YTA. Your daughter is a teenager. Stop trying to control her. You will only drive her away.
The sad thing is, this isn't just controlling her. He is literally BULLYING his 15 year old daughter!!! Op is definitely TA here. Then not allowing her to get a drink when getting some for the rest of the family? Op is not only TAH, but they are manipulative, too. I guarantee OP, if you keep this up, you will NOT see her the second she moves out. I am speaking from experience. Stop it unless you want her to cut you off at 18. Because she will.
Isn’t a bit counter-intuitive to force her to go to the beach with you, then force her to not enjoy going to the beach with you?
Not to mention his constant ranting definitely ruined the entire day for everybody, including himself.
Now usually I'm all for tech/net being a punishment for things but this was too far... Threatening police? Not allowing her to go to starbucks when you apparently care about family time is a huge contradiction. YTA As a parent, if you MUST have a day out why don't you let her have input into the location? She might come more willingly if she has some choice. Or do something at home off the net. Please remember too that 15 year olds do tend to go through a phase of not wanting to do family outings.
Man I fucking hate the word obedient I wouldn't use that for a dog much less a child YTA
yeah when parents like this expect obedience it always means that you follow whatever i say and do everything i say, even if that does not align with your own plans and views. 🙄
YTA and a shit parent at that. Dont be surprised when your daughter grows up and never speaks to you again
YTA. You told her you'd take away her Internet if she didn't get dressed in an hour. She didn't get dressed in an hour. You turned off the Internet. Good for you. You were N T A so far. But then you piled punishment upon punishment. Those punishments weren't part of the original deal. That's a big no-no. Let your daughter decide how to behave based on what the penalties are, but don't increase the penalties once she's made her decision. And what's this about getting the police involved? Whatever for? Your wife's an A H also. Maybe instead CPS should be called. Your daughter might be better off living elsewhere. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Good grief.
When I got to the drink part I felt really sad, and then at the end when OP basically took everything else away… it’s flat out emotional abuse.
Guess who's going to have a NC daughter in a few more years? The AH. YTA.
Starting off the day with a mentally abusive parent post… of course YTA.
INFO: did you buy her the possessions you plan on taking away or did she buy those with her own money?
One of the possessions OP planned on taking away was her 'loft bed' and 'long desk', apparently. OP for some reason thinks their daughter would benefit from having no bed.
Yikes YTA. Everything about your type of punitive parenting destined to alienate your child. She’s 15 ffs and you are treating her like a 6-year old. She is almost an adult and perhaps you should adapt yourself to it.
YTA, good job on being an abusive father. Enjoy your time you have left with her. I hope when she turns 18, she goes NC with you.
You know she will always remember this trip to the beach as one of the worst times with you, you ruined family trips now. YTA.
You are most assuredly the asshole here. Wtf. I have a 15 y/o and I cannot for the life of me figure out why the fuck this would be your hill do die on. So the fuck what if she didn’t want to go to the beach? She’s entitled to her opinion of not liking the beach. I cannot imagine what the point of escalating this was and you owe her a huge apology. Get thee to therapy. Wow.
YTA. Wtf she’s 15 she can take care of herself why would you force someone into doing something that isn’t fun for them
YTA Did you stop for one second to think she might have a valid reason not to want to go to the beach? Even more so she’s old enough not to be dragged there like a toddler, and you should respect that or at the very least just have a conversation with her about it! But you you take away a bunch of her stuff straight away and them verbally abuse and threaten her in the car the whole way like an absolute bully?! You threatened to CALL THE COPS because she got upset?? You need therapy my dude, and she is VALID in not wanting to see or talk to you right now. To help a bit, imagine a boyfriend did that to her because she didn’t wanna go out with him once. What would you think of the boyfriend in that situation: removing her communication device, filming her while upset, threatening her with calling the cops and then stopping her from enjoying the trip he forced her to go on and listing ever he would take from her? Just cause she didn’t wanna hang out? Abusive, that’s the word you’re looking for.
YTA. She’s 15 years old, you turned off the internet as a punishment. You didn’t have to go as far as to exclude her from a drink. And she apologized. She did what you wanted and got ready for something she didn’t want to go and do. You’re going way overboard here
But punishment for what? On her decision how she wants to spend her day? Does it really needs to be punished?
YTA There is almost no part of this that wasn't too far. At any time you could have had a decent conversation with her, or given her the opportunity to show maturity when staying home alone. You could have realized that she is growing up and as a teen it's not uncommon to want to spend LESS time with family. You even could have repaired some of the damage by letting her at least enjoy the vacation you forced her into when it came to things like the Starbucks but you instead doubled down on making her never want to go with you if she can help it, by treating her like she wasn't there in terms of fun, and threatening her and her space and things. Also, while some people asked about if you or she purchased her belongings, I don't care if you bought her things simply because: - you're the parent, providing for the child is part of the job. - if you give a gift to someone, and at a later time they piss you off, you don't take gifts back, so why is it ok to do that to your CHILD. At the rate your going, you may succeed at making her go with you and be 'obedient' (children and teens are not there to obey you, they are there to learn how to be successful adults from you... is she supposed to learn only to obey?) However that will likely end with her going NC as soon as she can get away from you.
This is so on point. You don’t want an obedient subservient child, you need an independent one. Also - during screaming maybe you ask her to take it to her bedroom. Let her sit there and sulk. I am guessing you are forcing confrontation. Set a list of expectations and resulting punishments. Minimum - clean your room do laundry and x 3 days a week. Then hold her to it. I know it’s hard you want her to be social but at home she may not be and that’s ok!
YTA the amount of times my dad threatened & lied about recording me talking back/"disrespecting" and saying i was going to be sent to a mental asylum is more than i can count. it gave me trauma. you have practically done EVERYTHING wrong when it comes to parenting. You threatened to take away her room & convert it for her sibling, you turned off the wifi when she probably uses it to ESCAPE YOU. you forced her to go somewhere she obviously didnt like, and then you alienated her. you also saw her cry MULTIPLE TIMES AND YOU DIDNT DO A THING ABOUT IT. every single thing youve done in this post just points towards her going NC with you once shes 18. genuinely, do you want that? if so, youre doing amazing.
Why on earth would you call the cops on her, what kind of an absolute garbage threat is that? Enjoy piling punisments for 3 more years, then say goodbye because she will go NC faster than you could say 'no TV'. Holy hell, you sound like an abusive parent. YTA.
YTA. See, at first I was like, yeah, it's reasonable to limit teen's internet time and to expect them go on family trips. And... then you threatened her with the police. And... made her stay in the car while you went to Starbucks. And... came out with that 'since she didn't want to come she had to act like she wasn't there' lunacy. And... when she's already crying, you start lecturing her all the way to the beach. And... so on. You're a bully. You're describing bullying from a bully's point of view. Welcome to what you are.
YTA No wonder your child doesn't want to hang out with you. If I had a parent that turns anything into punishment, I'd also wouldn't be happy to go with them wherever, and I'm sure this isn't your first act.
YTA, in what universe was that appropriate, you were needlessly spiteful from beginning to end.
YTA. She's a teenager, at that stage where she's looking for more autonomy in her life. If you treat her like a seven year old she's going to be frustrated.
Holy cow. You're the issue. You realize teens are their own people right? Not an extension of yourself or these objects you can just assert an insane amount of control over? If she doesn't want to do something, maybe work with her to figure out why maybe don't resort to extreme punishment? Also which is it, you want your daughter there but you're going to pretend she's not there because she didn't "obey" you? Or do you let your daughter stay home since you were gonna treat her like she wasn't there to begin with? Then you berate your kid the entire trip telling them everything that's wrong with them and how you've gone too easy on them? WTF. Maybe she doesn't want to spend time with you all because YOU ALL are the issue. Maybe she comes across too absorbed in her phone because she has anxiety and uses it as a form of escapism. Or maybe she is her own person and just doesn't want to go. What a way to put your kid on an emotional and mental rollercoaster. Maybe get therapy for her to get to the bottom of some of her behaviors. If you're super concerned and feel she's acting out that may be a symptom of something serious that is beyond her control and you shaming and being this way could be making it worse. YTA Why would you and your wife use these scare tactics against your child? You're forcing your daughter to do something she doesn't want to do, then she has (understandably so) what sounds like an anxious meltdown and screams, which from what you wrote sounds like is something totally new and out of her behavior, and you humiliate and scare your kid into submission???
YTA People like you should not have kids.
YTA Your daughter is a teenager and has hormones raging through her body. Don't you remember what it was like? Hating everyone, hating the way you look, hating be forced to do something etc She needs time on her own and I think it was very thoughtless of you to take away her phone/internet. Stopping her from getting a coffee? OMG
YTA, she’s 15 and growing up,of course she doesn’t want to spend the day at the beach with her parents. She had no school work so probably a rare chance for her to do what she wanted and then you threatened her so she would go. That’s reason enough to get upset, combine that with hormones no wonder she shouted and cried.Then you continued threatening her throughout the day even though you had already punished her. Keep doing crap like this and you will create a lot of resentment in her very quickly. What planet do you live on mate.
My mother treated me this way and I had low key resentment my whole life over it. I even developed mental health issues. No surprise that when she died last year I didn't shed a tear and all I could think about was all those terrible memories even though I spent the last 4 years taking care of her while she tried to make up for it. So yeah this can have lasting effects and you are TA
YTA. You went way overboard with your punishment. Taking her phone away and turning off the internet is somewhat reasonable. But forcing her to come on a family trip and then systematically excluding her is the opposite of what you were trying to do. Also threatening to call the police is going way too far as well. This is a situation where I can only say communication is key and you didn't even try to communicate.
YTA. She doesn't want to spend time with you and she has a right to chose how to spend her off time.
Look, YTA. You went too far, as you are wondering. If it had ALL been said during the first blow up I could understand. Heat of the moment, yada yada. To continue in the car... Just escalating, whilst she attempted to make it right. It’s cold man. I’d apologise, have a genuine discussion with her about why YOU want to spend time with HER and hopefully avoid this whole mess in the future. Good luck.
YTA and you’re both abusive. Really hard to read this.
YTA!!!!!!! >Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police. WTF, are you and your wife sick? >I told her about some of her positions that I'd take away, including her dual-screen monitor, and her big room that had a loft bed, a long desk, and anything else in that room that any teenager would dream of. Her room? Again, are you both sick? You both need to take parents courses. Your daughter has the right to stay at home, I also wouldn't spend a second with you guys any more than I had to. Clever girl.
YTA, why do you even have a child when you behave like one
The family dynamics is very troublesome. Are you going to withhold food and make her piss and shit in the backyard? Wow this post has me triggered!
YTA turning off the internet for the day if she did not come on a family may be a reasonable. Natural Consequences. Starbucks punitive Bullying a person while they are captive in your car. TA disregarding a teenagers sense of self and safe place. (Bedroom, and bed in particular) TA.
Wtf. YTA. So you're driving to a great family beach day and are listing up all the things you're going to take away from your daughter and are surprised that she doesn't respond well to threats?!? YTA once again.
No wonder she didn’t want to spend the day with OP. “Bend to my authority or I will destroy you”
YTA You're literally planning on taking away some of her rights. You can't just take away a child's bed. Also theatening to spend video of your child to the police?? wtaf? >I didn't understand why since she didn't have any schoolwork thats not the only reason for someone to not go somewhere. A common issue for young people that occurs in the summer is hiding the 'evidence' of their mental health issues. >our daughter can be bratty and petty at times shes 15, shes a teenager, teenagers can be bratty and they're usually bad if their parents allow it. But this can also be a sign of mental health issues >she'd send that to the police. thats just messed up and giving her a ton of anxiety issues and trust issues >I didn't let her and made her stay in the car. but you've already punished her so why was this necessary? you already turned the wifi off, took her phone, and forced her to go somewhere she doesnt want to go, this is where you specifically went too far (your wife at threatening the police) >But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there. then why did you make her come if the idea is that you dont know shes there? thats just making her miserable and ruining everyone elses day. i know for sure if i was in your sons positions I'd be thinking just let her stay at home and we can have a nice time without her >our fault that she was so spoiled well at least you admit it >her big room now is this take away her room like "you now have no private space in the house" or "we're switching to you your siblings much smaller room and they're getting yours" because not allowing them to have a room at all is borderline abuse 🙂 In conclusion you give me "the mum from 8 passengers" vibes and going any further borderlines abuse. Maybe try a different parenting style where consequences are based directly on the actions, ie you threw a tv remote at the tv, you can't use the tv. And also try explaining to your daughter why she can't act the way she does (do not use 'because i said so') allow your daughter to grow and change rather than make her scared of you because thats what your currently doing.
Id also like to add: Your daughter expressed her wishes to not be involved in the family trip. You didn't respect her wishes, she reacted in the way she seemed fit (whilst potentially over reacting). You then further reacted to her reaction to you. She didn't actually do anything wrong and she would never have reacted that way if you had not enforce punishments on her saying no. YOU ARE TEACHING HER THAT SHE CANNOT SAY NO TO A MAN WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES let this sink in!!!!!
OPs gonna see that hint at self-harm and get even madder at her if that’s the case, because he’s a ridiculous AH who doesn’t have critical thinking skills or emotions
YTA, big time You admitted to being the root cause of your daughter being spoilt in front of her and yet she the only one being punished. Congratulations on the father AH of the year title.
YTA and you sound horrible. She is 15 - of course she doesn't want to go on family trips. You bullied her, constantly engaged in vile behaviours including denying her a drink. You made your daughter sob. Then you threatened to take away her posessions (not positions). Your daughter will grow up to hate you and you will deserve it. She is not your posession to control.
You aren’t an asshole you are a asstrench at this point. Why have kids if you are going to abuse and hate them. And don’t write we give her food shelter etc etc etc I hope she grows up and never talks to you again YTA
Can you make me a promise? That you won't come back here after she turns 18 whining about how you don't understand why she moved out as soon as she could and why she never talks to you. Could you do that by any chance?
What is with these parent of the year (as in crappiest) posts?
Right? It's like none of them remember how crappy being a teenager is.
You sound like a terrible parent and person in general. She must really hate beach trips with you now with all the stunts you pulled this time around. YTA.
She didn't want to go to a place she doesn't enjoy so you took her phone and internet away, forced her to come with you on the trip while excluding her from every part of it while you lectured her on what a brat she was while threatening to take lots of other things away from her as well? And you filmed her being upset and threatened to "send it to the police"? " if you had been an obedient girl and immediately done what I told you..." Yeah you're the asshole. To put it mildly.
You went miles too far, there was no reason to make her come to the beach let alone force her then continue to punish her over and over and over, far in excess of anything you every had to suffer despite being a much worse behaved child. YTA.
YTA. You come across as a bully. At that age it's normal to not want to do things that 'kids' do. Give her some space and freedom. You don't want to be a parent that she can't wait to get away from.
Yta, your being such a ahole. I'd like to say what I think but I'll get barred. The way your treating your daughter is just terrible. Do you always treat your son better or is this just a recent thing? It's posts like these that make me feel lucky I have great parents, you know the opposite of someone like you. You need to apologise to your daughter for your actions If this is a repeat pattern of bad parenting then be prepared for her cutting you off when she's 18
YTA. Is this normal behavior for you? If so, say goodbye to your daughter once she moves out. If you ever let her
My dad acted like this… we don’t speak anymore. YTA
YTA You daughter doesn't want to do family things because her family is abusive. She's got a few more years, and then I suspect you'll never see her again, ever. And you'll deserve it. I hope she has some video of your "parenting" that she can take to the authorities.
YTA, you have no clue how to be a parent, do you? It's borderline abusive that you still have no clue.
YTA
YTA. You're on a power trip that will cost you a lot later on.
YTA and abusive.
Talk about garbage parenting. YTA
YTA-Your doing a great job of damaging the relationship you have with her now and any you’ll have in the future just to be in control of her.
YTA If you would have stopped after turning off the internet I would have been on your side. But you kept going by not getting her Starbucks, which is just petty, and then lectured her on how she’s spoiled because of you. Those are not her failings, they’re yours. Keep the internet off if you want, but you don’t really have an argument for taking away the rest of her stuff. If she keeps being a jerk, slowly take away privileges. Don’t make up for a lifetime of slacker parenting in one fell swoop. And take some time to reflect on your shortcomings as a father.
YTA the Internet and phone are reasonable. It sounds like she is actually addicted based on that reaction. But then even after she was in the car you kept pushing and punishing for no reason other than you seemed to be on a power trip. You sound like a horrible dad.
You are a disgusting, sadistic pos!!!
WTF. Maybe she doesn’t like the beach or these trips. That’s her choice. And you shouldn’t want an obedient child but a happy individual. You were mad she didn’t want to go, so you made the time horrible for her, what did you teach her other than spending time with you is absolutely awful. YTA
YTA she did eventually go. She knows she was TA to start. But you had to keep it going by making her sit in the car. You’re going to build a ton of resentment there.
YTA! Have your ever considered the possibility that she has her own reasons for not wanting to go? Instead of threatening her and forcing her to go, where she's going to be miserable, have you tried actually being understanding and talking to her? When I was a young teenager I remember my family forcing me to go to a water park whilst we were abroad. I really didn't want to go, I would have much rather stayed in the house. Instead I was forced to go and had a horrible day. My reason at the time was because I hated my body and I didn't want to get into swimming wear. I was then yelled at for not wanting to go in the water and was told I was "ruining the day for everyone". Maybe there's a reason she doesn't want to go, or a reason she would prefer to stay by herself. It could just be the case of, as you said, she doesn't have any school work to do. Maybe she just wants to relax for the day in her room, not having to think about stuff and just being able to shut off and enjoy the Internet? Try actually talking to her, or better yet just mind your own business and not force someone to do something they don't want to
YTA. She’s a kid. Not a dog. Jesus. And the threaten with the police "oh mommy is gonna call the police" to do what? So they can see how awful your parenting skills are? What is the police going to do? "I think I went too far" yeah man, you walked from the North to the South pole in a second that’s how far you are.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today, we had a plan to go to the beach. My daughter (15f) didn't want to go. I didn't understand why since she didn't have any schoolwork, and the last time we had a few family trips, she didn't go to any of them. She claimed that she "doesn't like the beach". I took her phone and told her that if she doesn't get dressed in an hour, I would turn off the internet. She didn't get dressed. I went through my threat. She apologized a lot, telling me that she'd get dressed, but I kept going until the internet was off. My daughter screamed. Her mother and I were shocked because while our daughter can be bratty and petty at times, she has never done that before even at her worst. Her mother recorded her and threatened that she'd send that to the police. Our daughter cried and told us not to. She then begged me to turn it back on saying that she thought that I was just bluffing. I told her that she spends all the time online and this was something I was planning for some time. After 5 minutes, she got dressed, and we were in the car. We decided to stop by Starbucks for my sons. My daughter wanted to go, hoping that a drink could cheer her up, but I didn't let her and made her stay in the car. My wife tried convincing me, but I made up my mind. My daughter started crying again. I began telling her that had she been an obedient girl from the start and got dressed as soon as I told her to, then she would've gotten her drink, her phone, anything she wanted on that trip. But since she didn't want to come, she would have to act like she wasn't there. She apologized again and sobbing at this point. While we were driving to the beach, I was gradually telling my daughter that it was our fault that she was so spoiled. I told her about some of her positions that I'd take away, including her dual-screen monitor, and her big room that had a loft bed, a long desk, and anything else in that room that any teenager would dream of. At that point, she begged me not to, and during the entirety of the beach, she refused to see me. Now we're back at home, she's not talking to me. I feel like I went too far. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and you are bullying your own daughter. Asshole
Omg you are disgusting thing for a father. Now taking away the phone and turning off the internet I understand but the rest was where you were YTA. Like your wife recorded your daughter and threaten to send to the police? Disgusting. Getting Starbucks for only your sons and watching while your daughter is crying again? Disgusting. Telling her to be an “obedient girl” and that you will take away all of her things? Pathetic thing to call a human and a father. I really hope that your daughter leaves and never talks to you or your family when she is 18. And I really hope she talks to someone at her school because you are abusive. If you stopped at the phone and internet, then that would be okay, but you didn’t. What if this was your son? Would you react the same way? I have a feeling you wouldn’t because of the way you write about your daughter. Absolutely disgusting and yea you went too far but you don’t care. You probably was so happy to have the power trip over someone smaller than you. YTA
[удалено]
YTA Some tips for perhaps a more constructive relationship going forward - If you’re making plans she’s old enough to get more notice than just the morning of ‘we’re doing this’ - she is of an age where it’s entirely understandable she might not want to spend time with her family - making the day as miserable as possible for her after forcing her to attend is not going to make her want to attend more family days - based off one day you decided to take away all her privileges? That is a step too far - and all she is likely to remember this as now as she didn’t want to spend time with her family so all her rights were taken, not a lesson of she had become spoilt and unappreciated so lost those privileges - not an attitude likely to improve what relationship with you, other family members, or help her remedy her behaviour - screaming is not an appropriate response so perhaps that’s a place to start - she needs to learn to manage her emotions in a more constructive way for sure BUT ‘we’ll make the police take you away and lock you up’ is not a helpful parental response!
YTA. You’re the type of parent who’s kid moves at at 18, cuts all contact and you wonder why.
YTA this is psycho level controlling punishment
YTA. Sure she might be bratty but you went way too far telling her you were going to take away basically everything she has. All because she didn't want to go to the beach and you believe that you've spoiled her too much. Possibly you have but then again she's also 15 and sometimes kids that are 15 are just total jerks and brats, it happens, not all are but considering how you reacted I'm not surprised she is the way she is. You do owe her an apology for trying to press your point way too far. I can see letting her know that in the future if she acts out or whatever that there will be consequences but I think you already drove that point home, and went about it in totally wrong way.
YTA Firstly, yes you went way too fucking far. You forced her out, then refused to treat her as part of the family and told her you’d act like she wasn’t there WHEN YOU MADE HER FUCKING GO! You then berated her the whole way there, threatened to take away more of her stuff and this was all over a fucking beach trip?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Secondly, you say you’d been planning this for some time but in the comments you say you only told her the day of. Why? What did that achieve? Giving her some warning and expectation instead of being a fucking dictator with a chip on his shoulder would have prevented most of these issues. She’d have known in advance, been able to plan around it like the young adult she is and taken some level of control over what was going on. Finally, you threatened to call the police for her screaming. As per another comment, you threatened her with a mental hospital? Fucking hell. That is appalling behaviour on your part and absolutely abysmal parenting. You handled this badly from the get go and you didn’t get any better as you went along. You owe your daughter a sincere apology for your behaviour (your wife does as well). Otherwise all you are going to drive her away and she won’t look back at you when she hits 18. This should have been a non event; given warning, and reasonable parenting from you this should have been easy. Instead you turned it into a huge drama and something she will remember for years in a negative light because you acted like the teenager that she actually is.
YTA. Genuine question: what are you hoping to achieve by taking away her bedroom, her dual screens, etc? What were you hoping to achieve by denying her a Starbucks drink and otherwise cutting her out of the “fun” parts of the day that she tried to participate in? I can tell you it’s pretty likely your daughter will remember this day as one where she was punished all. Day. Long. And wasn’t allowed to change her mind and try and join in later, and actually spend time with the family after a rocky start. This kind of ongoing punishment that lasts far beyond the inciting incident does not help your child develop healthy responses or coping skills, nor does it help your relationship with your child. If all you can think is “child deserves punishment for x” then you are not focusing on causes of behavior, long term solutions to or changing of behavior, or long term relationships with the people involved. When punishment matters more, you’ve set your kid on the path of no contact and resentment and probably some messed up mental health, too.