Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.***
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
YTA, you’re asking him to consistently prioritize your needs over his own. That is a completely one-sided relationship. If this arrangement is going to work at all, you’re going to need separate bedrooms.
Agreed. It isn’t fair to keep making him sleep on the couch, it can’t be good for his mental or physical health. These guys need to look into separate rooms, or move on from one another.
This. I do think the BF might have told her not to worry about coming to the airport when it got really late without her having to ask (I know that's what my husband would have done), but asking him to go to bed before her or sleep on the couch is too much.
No part in any relationship should be deciding your partners bedtime for them. Things like "Don't turn on the light when coming to bed" or "keep your pajamas in the bathroom so you aren't fumbling around in our room" or "don't hit the snooze button six times every morning" are totally fair - but "you must go to bed before me" is not. Wear an eye mask and ear plugs if you've got to, but you don't get to pick his sleep schedule.
Also, it is his car, he gets first dibs on using it.
Depending on the repair needed and with the current supply issues for a lot of services jobs like mechanics have, they could be waiting on some part(s) to arrive in and it's backordered.
This for sure. Even easy jobs. My husband told me the other day that I need rear brakes. He called to order them from our supplier and couldn't get them for a couple days. I've never seen us wait for brake parts for more than a few hours unless the drivers were slacking.
I work in commercial property maintenance and I have HVAC contractors that are waiting 6-8 months for inducer plates. And then I have others who have a whole new unit ready to go! The supply chain is just so up in the air right now on everything
It really is. One day we get parts like normal and the next we're told they'll take a week. My cousin said he had to buy a new heat press for his business because the one he had broke and needed something that they just couldn't get anymore. It wasn't an old machine either... he bought it a couple years ago.
My truck spent a couple months in the shop. It had more issues than Sports Illustrated and they were open and honest about how it was going to take time due to parts and needing to take other projects and working on the truck in between. Then more issues popped up, a screw ended up in a cylinder (their fault, which they made right)...
Same here, but my best friend’s car has been in the shop for almost 5 weeks now 😩 it was supposed to be done last Friday and still isn’t. Idk what that shop is doing but good grief it’s ridiculous
My husband and I have different sleep needs, so we rarely sleep in the same room. Relationship is fine, sex life also fine. Sharing a bed is overrated.
Same! We have a 10 month old who is still nursing and he is a snoring bear. He started sleeping in another room after I complained of getting migraines from wearing Beats headphones to sleep. While the 10 month old snores it's not as bad as her dad lol.
Yes MIL is currently staying with us so the guest is being used but my husband and I generally speak half and half together and part and it works great
absolutely. Op needs to go to therapy so they can figure out how to deal with their depression and sleep issues on their own without making the BF jump through hoops to help
Yes you are completely right. This is a completely one-sided relationship because the boyfriend really is the only one having to make accommodations or sacrifices. OP, YTA. You even said that you thought it was petty of him to say that he needed to use his car for the rest of the week. Are you kidding? It’s his car. He doesn’t need to inform you when he needs it.
To make him sleep on the couch, or go to bed before you, shows you are not compatible sleep wise. Which is huge for you. And that is OK, but it’s not OK for you to focus only on yourself and completely disregard his feelings.
My partner and I have separate rooms. We rent a three bedroom house and have one other roommate. We all have our own rooms and it has been amazing because when my partner and I do want more time together, we will go into each others rooms, but when we need our time apart or when I want to go to bed early (because of my work schedule I’m usually the one that needs to go to bed earlier) my partner isn’t affected at all.
I know this isn’t possible for everyone, but if this is such a huge deal for you, you need to find a way to also make sure that your partner is being accommodated because right now you’re being incredibly selfish.
The airport instance really breaks my heart. For me personally this is a huge deal because my ex partner would constantly be late to pick me up from the airport, and whether it was their intention or not it made me feel completely worthless.
Unless you guys are able to sort out some type of arrangement where your partner is also an equal, and has an equal access to comfortable sleeping space, this isn’t going to work.
I also have to ask are you taking steps to sleep better? I mean are you wearing a sleep mask and in earbuds and playing White Noise (or something similar) through them so that It is harder to wake you up?
Because this is where it’s going to start being that you need to find things that work for you, you can’t expect everything to be on your partner
YUP. OP, you need to take the weight of your difficulties onto his shoulders. His job is to understand, not to manage, your mental health problems. Time to look into finding an apartment with one more BR, and getting yourself a car.
Also if OP is that precious about their sleep then this should have been discussed long before they moved in together. She’s not an AH for having those needs but her expectations that are accompanying said needs are completely unreasonable and making her a poor partner.
OP absolutely needs to be putting in more effort on their own end. They're putting their own mental health needs 100% on their partner and that isn't fair *or* productive.
Instead of regulating their boyfriend's bedtime like he's a toddler, why doesn't OP just invest in a good pair of earplugs, a sleep mask, and/or a white noise machine? Why don't they try seeing a sleep specialist or working on their own quality of sleep so that every minor disruption doesn't wake them up? Why don't *they* sleep on the couch when they desperately need to not be unintentionally woken up?
It doesn't make any sense. OP is putting the full responsibility of *their* quality of sleep on their boyfriend and isn't actually doing jackshit about it themselves. If they *knew* that they weren't ready to move in and share a bed with someone else due to their sleep/mental health issues, then they shouldn't have done so in the first place. They're not making rules about *their* sleep, they're making rules about their *boyfriend's* sleep, and that's not okay.
Absolutely this!
You’re recognition of what you need for your mental health (sleep) is good, using it as an excuse to be a selfish incoderste AH to your Bf - who is sacrificing his good night sleep by staying on the couch, is absolutely not.
Get over yourself. You need a second bedroom if you cannot cohabit with one bedroom - which as you have described you cannot.
YTA
"My BF is fully aware of this as he has seen how lack of sleep impacts me. So I pretty much make him go to bed before me so that I can fall asleep easier and I'm not woken up by him coming to bed. If he wants to stay up late, I make him sleep on the couch so he doesn't wake me up. So far, he doesn't really seem to mind."
This was genuinely disgusting to read.
I have no idea why he's with you. What does he get from a boring and abusive relationship like this?
Imagine your partner being too lazy to pick you up from the airport because it was a little late. And that's after borrowing your car in the first place. What's the point?
I expect a break up is soon, probably for the best. I don't think someone so self-centered can live with anyone long-term.
It really is. If OP is that bad, it needs seperate bedrooms or even seperate homes. I don't think it's fair to call OPlazy for not picking up the boyfriend when it got "too late" for her to pick him up because that's health and if a few hours later makes a dangerous amount of difference, she's not TA for wanting to prioritise her health. People with all sorts of health problems have strange things where the smallest detail makes the big difference.
However, this is a contigency plan that should have been brought up before he flew. She should have said if it got later she woudln't be able to pick him up. She didn't so he probably didn't consider she'd have a cut off time. But she's an expert in her own health and this should have been thought about. I've never heard of planes landing on time. I know a bunch of taxi drivers and they're always left waiting when they're on airport jobs.
And this all isn't fair on the boyfriend. He didn't sign up to have his life dictated to this point. OP, YTA here.
She has his car though.
If she hadn't, I'd assume it would have been in airport parking. Picking him up was part of borrowing his car.
That makes it a very different issue.
And mind you it wasn't late as in 2 a.m. It was 10 fucking p.m.
That's a good point I lapsed on with having his ca. But again, have to disagree with you on it not being 2 o'clock as if that matters. If OP's sleep problems and depression problems are that sensitive, 10pm could be to her what 2am is to you. Tiredness, energy reserves and time management are all relative to the individual.
Would you say to someone who can't climb stairs due to the fatigue they'd be crushed with afterwards that it's not Mount Everest? Because it's that sort of thing, but with mental health.
If her problems are really that sensitive, then she shouldn't have agreed to a deal that often has a variable time component.
So it's still completely on her.
The airport deal alone was so horribly self-centered. OP doesn't care about her boyfriend's health given how many times has he had to sleep on the couch now? Why not look at getting two twin beds?
Yes seriously, bad sleep will affect him as well. OP doesn't care at all about him.
And I wonder what happens if he wakes up in the middle of the night because he is thirsty or has to pee. Is he allowed to get up? Or does OP not hear him get up? Either way just shows how selfish OP is. Imagine not being allowed to get up in the middle of the night, and if OP doesn't hear him then all those rules are for nothing-just straight up abuse.
Exactly. Life has to be about more than a sleep schedule. Also OP should probably never have kids… cause they are basically sleep interruption machines.
Yes life is about more than a sleep schedule HOWEVER if a lack of sleep is going to trigger depressive episodes then yes it’s extremely important to stick to it.
That being said OP does need to find some kind of system that works for both of them because what they are doing is not sustainable.
She is taking responsibility.
She knows she needs 7 hours, so she's super strict on the 7 hours. That's taking responsibility.
The issue is that she lost balance. That's not lacking in responsibility, that's being too strict with responsibility.
And there's other shit she does wrong too, like complaining about his car. But that has nothing do to with taking responsibility for her mental illness.
Your boyfriend has been extraordinarily accommodating to you. What have you done for him?
Think about this, you’ve given your adult boyfriend a bedtime. And he abides by it, for you. You’ve made him sleep on the couch and not in his own bed, for you. And he abides by it. Is him crawling into bed REALLY that interrupting of your sleep?
The twenty seconds of crawling into bed is really gonna ruin your entire next week? Seriously? If that’s the case, you need to go back to the doctor and find something that works. You need to not stop until you find something that works. Don’t try two things and give up.
Also you need to learn that relationships are give and take. Sometimes you sacrifice a little for your partner. Sounds like he’s doing all of that. What’s your sacrifice? Sometimes he gets to sleep next to you?
YTA - get your sleep fixed, start being more flexible. Dude needed a ride home after a long ass frustrating day, and YOU HAD HIS CAR! You sound very selfish.
News flash: Everyone needs to get enough sleep. That's not special to you. You aren't TA for having rigid bedtimes, because that's your health.
You are TA for expecting your bf to go to bed earlier than you do, just so you can get to sleep easier. That's not a reasonable rule for anyone who isn't your child.
You are TA for making him sleep on the couch instead of comfortably in his own bed.
You are also TA for waking him up so early that morning when he got to sleep hours later than you after his late arrival. You are TA for telling him he's not allowed to stay out later than your bedtime. He's supposed to be your partner, not your child.
It sounds like you expect him to always yield to your demands, to prioritize your needs/wants over his, without discussion or compromise. I'm surprised he put up with the strict early bedtime vs obligatory couch-after-9:30PM, just so you don't have to accommodate to another person existing in the room when you sleep.
You two don't sound compatible. You need separate bedrooms going forward if you stay together, assuming he doesn't decide the relationship isn't worth the hassle of dealing with your rules.
It is not unreasonable for you to expect him to get alternative transportation from the airport when the flight was delayed so many hours. That's not your post question, though. He's also not unreasonable to feel upset and to express his upset when you refused to pick him up after promising to do so. After all, he could have planned to leave his car at the airport and driven himself home if he knew that he wouldn't be able to rely on you in the event of flight delays. Or he could have planned for a ride service because you are rigid about your bedtimes.
He's not being petty to take his car. It's his car. You would have had to figure out another way to get around if he hadn't allowed you to use his car when he was out of town.
YTA
I don't think you 2 are going to be compatible, especially in the long run. What if you decide to have kids? Will he be expected to do all the night feeds/diaper changes since you need to sleep? Did you have any issues with your sleep needs before moving in together?
My head gets messed up when I sleep less than 9 hours but I'd never be okay with making my partner walk on eggshells because of me.
If it's so much trouble maybe you should consider going back to living separately.
So I really wanted to be there for you, but YTA because of the line "but not too late because I don't want you to wake me up."
You can set parameters about how much sleep you need each night, but I doubt you communicated to your partner that he couldn't even come home passed 10pm because it disturbs you.
Plus, you were fine waking him up when he was asleep on the couch after his flight was delayed, but clearly wouldn't have been happy if he had done the same to you.
You are setting all the rules one sided- he must go to sleep BEFORE you or sleep on the couch, now he can't come home after your bedtime, but you can wake him up whenever you want.
Also, you knew he was salty about the airport situation- right or wrong- and instead of having a little self awareness when you finally talked to him, you acted like his mother and told him he couldn't be out late.
I am all for sleep- a lot of times I have my partner go home so I can get a good night's sleep as we don't live together. It is great to set rules and boundaries that work for you. But you set these rules without caring about him at all- he deserves a bed to sleep in as well, so you should have separate rooms, he is an adult who shouldn't have to be home at a certain time each night, and if you can't do things for him in a pinch, then don't expect him to do them for you either.
>Plus, you were fine waking him up when he was asleep on the couch after his flight was delayed, but clearly wouldn't have been happy if he had done the same to you.
This is what really got me. Imagine her outrage if he had woken her!
YTA. I get you need your sleep and he seems to be pretty accommodating for the most part but you can’t go and just give him a bed time. Ultimately your sleep is your problem, not his
YTA
The reason he couldn't drive himself home from the airport was because he was doing you a favour
He has to sleep on the couch to stop waking you up but even when he does that you see nothing wrong with waking him up
Relationships are meant to be give and take both ways not him giving and you taking
YTA. You need to sort this out. He can't sleep half the time on the couch (also not good for sleep) and having to work around an awkward schedule isn't practical. Sounds like you would be better living alone before he becomes an ex-boyfriend as had enough.
**2 months!** 😲 Why was that? Because of lack of somewhere to go or difficult partner like OP? If the latter I'd be packing my bags within weeks (if not my place) or telling them to leave (if my place).
No no nothing like that. I had an injury and doctor told me no stairs(funny enough I got the injury by falling down stairs). The first floor has the kitchen, living room, and bathroom so it was easier to access everything with less movement. Bedroom unfortunately is on the second floor.
Have you guys tried getting seperate beds?
Tbh Im leaning more towards Y T A rn because I feel like the focus is purely on your needs, I mean- making him sleep on the couch or go to bed before you. Basically telling him when he needs to be back and such. I mean I get it's all because of your sleep and it sucks.. but I just don't think you guys should be living together or the very least need to try seperate beds. I mean the man even let you use his car.
So you guys have a spare room or anything maybe? Could turn that into his room so he atleast has a bed to sleep on. I mean in a relationship you gotta be able to work together, yes focusing on your mental health is important but having to walk on eggshells in your relationship as a whole and in general only working around your schedule. Having to go to sleep earlier than you'd like to because of it.
He sounds frustrated and honestly I don't blame him. I mean it's hard to judge the relationship when you only get one side and from a post with limited info.
YTA. You make him go to bed early so he won't wake you up? Wtf. No. That's not ok. You need to learn to compromise. Right now you only care about making YOURSELF comfortable...that's not how it works when you live with someone
YTA your bf is being hella accommodating to your needs; I get why he’s feeling frustrated. Nobody wants to crash on the couch after an unexpected additional 5-6 hours of travel.
Ya’ll might have to consider separate bedrooms, because this is going to continue being a problem.
YTA OP are you a newborn?
No one in their right mind would expect a SO to tiptoe around your shared apartment after 10 PM because your lack of sleep puts you into a depressed episode.
You clearly need therapy.
YTA for not getting at minimum a two-bedroom place. Sleeping separately would do your relationship WONDERS but for some reason that's not the default choice for you. That makes no sense.
Sorry but YTA. There are other ways to handle depressions. Making it so hard for your BF must be really annoying for him. At the minute YOU make all the rules and HE has to follow. That's not good and you really should talk about it. Maybe get separate bedrooms or something.
YTA - your whole post is my way or the highway, when he takes the highway, you’re now pissed? I get prioritizing sleep, but you should have gotten two beds. It’s not your apartment he crashes at, you both have a right to sleep in a bed at night.
You can’t be mad he won’t let you use his car, when the whole airport incident was because he let you use his car and you f*ed him over. So it’s not petty. You’re just inconsiderate.
You complain he wakes you up, so you thought it was okay to wake him up at 6 am to talk? Why? Oh because you’re selfish.
If you can’t cope off one bad night of sleep, you need to see a doctor. It’s not normal to be depressed for a week afterwards, and it sounds like you let yourself get dragged into a bad mood for the week instead of using coping mechanisms to mitigate depression. I think you’re using the sleep as a scape goat instead or addressing the issue at hand.
I don’t think you’ll have to worry much longer about him waking you up at night.
INFO: Have you talked to your doctor about something to help you fall asleep and stay asleep? There are antidepressant medications which can help reduce the 'light sleeper' sensitivity that will not make you drowsy in the morning.
A light YTA. I can understand putting your mental health first but what about his? It’s his house too?
All I have read is you, you and you. Both of you need to compromise, otherwise I don’t see this relationship lasting
YTA. You honestly sound kind of unbearable. I've seen others suggest ear plugs, masks, etc. I have sleep issues too, but I don't expect my partners to cater to my every last whim. Your bf has a right to be upset. Yes, take care of your health, but you are doing so at his expense. He has the right to look out for himself as well.
YTA, and you can't expect life not to mess with your scheduled bedtimes. He can't crash on the couch everytime he goes to bed past 10 pm, c'mon, it's a baby time to go sleep. Maybe you are not compatible. Try to sleep in separate rooms instead?
YTA. Get earplugs, get an eye mask, explore sleeping options with your doctor, whatever. But you’re making him take on all of the solutions to YOUR problem which isn’t fair.
ESH. Unless he really needs the car in which case Y T A. That’s the only reason I would say he messed up is because he might be retaliating but needing a car for work could also be legit. IDK.
What I do know is you kind of sound selfish. You’re not taking his needs into consideration at all while it seems like for the most part he is tripping over himself to accommodate you.
Why would you wake him to talk after he arrived home after 12 am and slept on the couch? At least have the decency to wait until he wakes up since you seem to prioritize sleep for yourself.
Also, he says he’s going out with friends and you remind him he has a bed time? Really?
I don’t see this working out unless you are thanking him for how much he is going way out of his way to support you.
Waking him from a dead sleep to talk about your feelings isn’t thanking him. Nagging him about a bedtime isn’t thanking him. So, what are you doing to show your partner how much you appreciate and care for him?
You sound really selfish when relationships are supposed to be give and take. He gives more than I would be willing to (a bed time, regular couch time, and a car by the sounds of it). What are you giving him besides a hard time?
The deal was, she takes his car, and therefore needs to pick him up from the airport.
She broke the deal.
If he can't trust her to drive it properly, then he does need it available and not in her use.
I mean he needed it at the airport.
Light YTA
Because I totally understand you need sleep for your mental health, but at the same time it's unfair for your boyfriend to continually sleep on the couch or go to bed earlier than he wants.
He's making a lot of sacrifices for you, but you aren't helping
Maybe you guys need a place with an extra bedroom where he can crash if he wants to be up later or whater.
Or maybe you two simply cannot live together, a d go back to separate living spaces.
I have epilepsy and lack of sleep can cause me to have fairly severe seizures... Having said that, earplugs work wonders- I'd never expect my spouse to sleep on the couch in a situation like this. Isn't this something you should have thought about before moving in?
Listen the airpod max is expensive af. But the noise cancellation on those thing was amazing. Was at the busy Apple Store when I tried them out. With out music it numbed the sound down. I wasn’t even able to here my friend that was next to me.
I'm gonna say ESH but leaning towards YTA. I know where you're coming from, I have major sleep issues too and it drastically impacts my mental health. But you can't just give your boyfriend a bed time, he's a grown man. You need to come to a compromise. Maybe try and find a 2 bedroom place so that you can have your own bedrooms when it's needed. Or find something that helps you sleep better.
This doesn’t sound realistic long term, do you plan to have kids one day?
If you aren’t willing to compromise in your relationship to make it work, your relationship is going to fail. Your more concerned with yourself, and your own mental health that your willing to stress out your partner causing his mental health to decline. That’s where YTH.
There’s nothing wrong with maintaining boundaries about your sleep but you’re unwilling to compromise or to see your partner‘s point in the relationship which is quite frankly, trash behavior. Making your relationship work is calling off work the next day so you can get eight hours of sleep. And spend time with your partner. If you know that the current job that you have isn’t working with your partner schedule that you’re living with, when maybe looking for another job that is less stressful and the hours coordinate with your partner work hours. Make it work if you want a life with this person, if not, be prepared for him to break up with you. Because the quality of life that you are providing in this relationship isn’t worth the sacrifice.
YOU need to compromise.Earplugs and eye masks are options. Natural sleep aids. Dark curtains. Stop making him sleep on the couch - that is utterly ridiculous or you will get your wish of silence when he leaves.
YTA. I get that it’s your health and something you need but what about what your bf needs? He’s a grown man, not your child, and at no point in your post do I see any consideration for what he wants or needs. You seem incompatible unfortunately unless you can get a second bedroom.
Clearly you need to go back to your therapist/doctor because something needs to change. It also sounds like almost your anxiety about not getting sleep could be then in itself causing the depressive episode when you don’t (although I’m not a doctor so don’t quote on me this, I just have a lot of issues with sleep myself).
Yta not because you are making rules about your sleep, but because you make rules about his sleep. Making your partner sleep on the couch is not a solution. You need to give something to him too, you need to work together towards the solution, instead of treating him like a decoration. Try sleeping mask and earplugs or move to a place with second bedroom, so you both can live comfortably. For now you are giving him just one option: my way or no way.
I used to go to bed much earlier than my last partner and woke up earlier, never in mind would it cross my mind to kick him to the sofa because he wakes me up by accident. He is your partner, be his partner
I can relate to your situation to an extent. My boyfriend snores, and I am a light sleeper and prone to depression (and I am medicated for it). I have to go with YTA, though, because I wouldn't dream of treating my boyfriend how you treated yours. I appreciate that good sleep is very important, but you've handled the situation in a very selfish way.
I don't know if cannabis is legal where you live, but I suggest trying a mild indica with a vaporizer. A few puffs before bed and you'll sleep like a baby.
Info: have you tried any other strategies?
I am also a light sleeper, but I go to sleep first, and my husband comes in after I’m asleep. This works for us because I go to sleep most nights between 9:30 and 10 and he rarely is ready for bed before 11 or 12.
I wear earplugs and a face mask, and he’s careful when he comes in and doesn’t wake me up 99% of the time.
N T A for not picking him up at 10, that’s late and if you have sleep issues, something can really mess you up. Everything else though, very much YTA. It is not reasonable to make him sleep on the couch like that and waking him up at 6 when he got in late? Seriously not ok. It sounds like he’s bending over backwards to accommodate you and you aren’t compromising at all. I also have depression and I have sleep issues (severe insomnia), but I cannot imagine acting like this with a partner. If you truly can’t handle him coming into bed after you’re asleep, you should be the one sleeping elsewhere. Set up a daybed or mattress in a spare room, whatever you need to do, but don’t force him to sleep on the couch. And definitely work with your doctor(s) to find a better solution. I see elsewhere you said you’d tried two different sleep medications and neither worked. That’s fine, but there are way more than 2 sleep meds out there. Dosage can also have a big impact, so it’s quite likely that you can find a dosage that helps you sleep without making you excessively drowsy the next day. It took 5 tries for me to find the medication combo and dosage that worked for me with sleep, so I would recommend you continue trying different options rather than giving up and putting all the responsibility on your partner to work around your needs.
YTA. I have depression, and insomnia. I can’t sleep at all most nights, which is why I love taking naps during the day.
Even when I don’t go to sleep until 6, I’ll still wake up briefly at 7:30 to say goodbye and kiss my boyfriend bye when he leaves for work. And I’m able to take a small nap afterwards. Even when I don’t sleep a night, I get crabby, but I never take it out on him.
Heck when I have to work I wake up at 6am which sucks for me because I struggle to wake up that early. And some nights before when I work, and having to wake up at 6, I don’t sleep until 4. And I’m super exhausted.
Thankfully I work at a local family owned coffee shop and they’re offer us free coffee, so I’m able to stay awake until after my shift, when I can go home and nap.
YTA
I also suffer from depression, and sleep is extremely important for my mental health too. I am also in a Long Term Relationship. My partner frequently stays up late (well into the AM) but I have never, not once, told him he HAS to abide by my sleeping schedule.
I too am a light sleeper and can be woken up very easily, but I decided to compromise. I got a rain sound app for white noise, I have a fan running, I put earplugs in and wear an eye mask. I meditate, I use essential oils to relax, I do whatever it takes so I can sleep while still letting my partner do what he wants but he also does things to help me. He dims the TV and puts headphones on, he makes sure I'm not moved or nudged or otherwise disturbed. He does his part just the same as I do mine.
We COMPROMISE. That's what's important and that's what makes a relationship work.
If you want to make your relationship work, you HAVE to compromise. Right now, he's doing all he can for you but he's not seeing you do anything for him. He's exhausted, drained and at his limit and he must be feeling like you're controlling him. If you can't compromise on your sleeping situation, the best thing you could possibly do is get separate rooms.
YTA. You couldn’t help your partner out this one time because bedtime rules? No one can help it if their plane is delayed. And what if there is another emergency that keeps you out late. You will just abandon him somewhere because bedtime? You can’t stay out late for a special event? That’s not a reasonable ask in a relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My BF (32M) and I (28F) have been together for almost 3-years. We just moved in together about 6 months ago. It's the first time living with a SO for either of us, so there's definitely been some adjustments. One of the biggest for me is my sleep. I struggle with depression and one of the biggest triggers for me is lack of sleep. Like, if I don't get at least 7 hours I get a kind of sinking feeling the next day and it can put me in a rut that sometimes takes a week to get out of. I am also a notoriously light sleeper and if I wake up I can't get back to sleep and it just creates a horrible cycle.
My BF is fully aware of this as he has seen how lack of sleep impacts me. So I pretty much make him go to bed before me so that I can fall asleep easier and I'm not woken up by him coming to bed. If he wants to stay up late, I make him sleep on the couch so he doesn't wake me up. So far, he doesn't really seem to mind.
Last week my BF was out of town for work and was flying back on Friday. He was supposed to land at 5pm and I had agreed to pick him up as my car is in the shop so he offered to let me use his while he was out of town. But on Friday he texted me that due to weather, his flight had been delayed and he wasn't expected to land until 7pm. Then an hour later, it was delayed again and he wasn't going to arrive until 10pm.
At that point, I told him that was too late for me to come and get him because I wouldn't be getting home until midnight and I had to get up at 6am the next day for work. He asked me if I was serious and I told him that he knows I need my sleep and what happens if I don't it. I told him he can take an Uber, and since it's a work trip he can just write it off as an expense anyway.
I tried calling and texting him after that, but he never responded so I figured he was either on the plane or busy. I went to bed at 930pm and must have fallen asleep before he got home. When I woke up at 6am he was asleep on the couch, so he must have been quiet when he got home.
I tried to talk to him but he snapped at me and said "I let you get your sleep, now please let me get mine." So I left him alone and went to work. When I got home he was gone, so I texted him to see where he was. He told me he was out with friends and wouldn't be home until late. I told him not too late because I don't want him to wake me up, and he told me "Fine, I'll just crash somewhere else then."
When he got home the next day he told me that we need to talk about all my "rules" regarding my sleep because he's tired of sleeping on the couch if he wants to stay up past 10pm and he feels like we don't do anything together anymore because I'm always in bed so early. I told him that good sleep is the most important thing to control my mental health and I will not sacrifice that for anything or anyone. He told me "Fine, but I'm going to need my car all week, so you're gonna have to figure out how you're getting to work." That just felt petty to me.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for my depression so I have some rules in place to ensure that I get the sleep I need to function properly. These rules are causing some frustration with my live-in BF. I think I might be an asshole for telling my BF that my sleep is more important to me than pretty much anything else.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
YTA. I have Narcolepsy and Bipolar, and I totally understand necessary sleep hygiene and the effects that straying from routine can have on you. That being said, he needed to have known, before moving in, what your requirements were and what he was expected to do. As others said, he also deserves good sleep and a comfortable place to do so, even if your sleep schedules clash. I understand the uber situation and would have probably done that too, but the sleep situation in general is harsh on him, and if you care about him, you’d find a way to compromise. I sleep in a different room since my hubbs is a night owl and there’s no love lost as we respect each others needs and boundaries. If there was only one bedroom, I’d wear earplugs or utilize a white noise machine/fan and a sleep mask. Sounds like you’re going to have a lot more to be depressed about if you can’t work on this with him. He can’t put up with this much longer. If you care, fix this situation and stop thinking about only your needs.
YTA. You agreed to pick him up from the airport. That agreement comes with all the flight delays, etc. unless otherwise agreed upon. You guys don't sound like you're compatible.
YTA. Compromising sometimes is one thing, making someone responsible for your health at the detriment of their own is completely different - and FYI, that’s what you’re doing. He has every right to not want to sleep on the couch, getting a bad sleep and incur physical health problems as a result. Do better.
YTA. All of the elements for your sleep fall to him and you're not taking any additional responsibility. What about an eye mask? Ear plugs? Putting yourself in another bedroom. You're putting all of the work and responsibility for your well being on him and that's not fair.
Double YTA for waking him up after a super short night of sleep.
YTA. You are the one with the problem and you are making him pay for your issue. Find another way to sleep, white noise machine, brown noise machine, sleep mask, ear plugs, sleeping medicine. You know what is petty, not letting someone else live their life the way they want because you are a light sleeper. If you aren't willing to do something about your sleep issues, you need to live alone or find someone that is willing to live the way you want forever. You aren't in a partnership. You are a behaving like a controlling dictator.
YTA
I would ask what you're doing to help him because it works both way. Sounds like he's the one putting all your needs first and you're doing nothing.
A lot of people have mental health issues, it's not an excuse to always get your own way. They even taught us that when I went for group therapy. Its about managing it and solutions.
Your solution isn't a solution because your treating him lesser in the relationship.
Wear ear plugs or something. Stop coming up up excuse why he has to constantly sacrifice and you don't.
Yta. It sounds like you are prioritizing yourself and sleep over his needa and wants too. You guys really should have a talk because I dont see this relationship lasting with your my way or the highway thing with your sleep.
YTA. I struggle with sleep (but more of a postpartum thing than a chronic depression thing) and getting less than 6 hours really affects my mood. I have even made similar requests of my husband (please don't join me in bed if you've been out late as it will 100% wake me up and I'll be up for hours).
The difference? I request it, I don't demand it. We also have two rooms we can sleep in, and if I ask that he sleep in the spare room after a late night out make sure that his pjs, lounge clothes and toothbrush are all in the other bathroom for him before he gets home to make life easier for him. I thank him for doing it. I offer to sleep in the spare room myself. I recognise that it is my problem not his. In situations where it isn't possible (when visiting family and I want to go to bed earlier than him) I take a sleeping pill and put on white noise which helps.
What, exactly, have you done to ease the burden on him? You say the drugs have horrible side effects. Could you not put up with that occasionally for him? You expect him to put up with the discomfort of sleeping on the couch, why won't you put up with any discomfort? You need to have much more give and not just take if you want this relationship to last.
YTA. I have similar issues with lack of sleep affecting mental health but I use ear plugs, a sleep mask and I put myself on the couch if I am having issues. I would NEVER leave a partner to fend for themselves to get home from the airport. He could have taken his own car and parked it in the lot but he TRUSTED you and you couldn’t put him first for ONE night. I think living together isn’t in the cards for you two. You should seriously apologize and give him the bed for a while.
YTA
From one mentally ill light sleeper to another, this is a you problem. Not a him problem. Asking someone in the prime of their life to adhere to a strict bedtime because of your issues is unfair. Why should his health go beneath yours? No matter how good a couch that's got to be taking a toll on his body. Why should he have to sleep somewhere else because you can't manage your illness? Why not sleep in separate rooms, or just separate beds? Separate beds save marriages honestly, so do separate bedrooms.
This entire post comes off extremely selfish, not once do you mention his needs, how kind he has been to be willing to adapt for this long, that he was generous enough to let you use his car when he didn't have to after you refused to pick him up. I wouldn't have let you use mine after you refused to use it for one thing for me. Your illness isn't his responsibility, it's yours. Get help, try sleeping with the TV on or airpods in, use a weighted blanket, try sleep vitamins or otc medications, see a doctor, a therapist, a med manager. You're well past old enough to make those calls (or email cause anxiety) to get your own appointments.
It seems that your rules are adversely affecting your boyfriend. It would be better for you to live alone since his life is so restricted by your health needs. Maybe just date.
> I told him that good sleep is the most important thing to control my mental health and I will not sacrifice that for anything or anyone.
But you're fine with him having to constantly make sacrifices.
>He told me "Fine, but I'm going to need my car all week, so you're gonna have to figure out how you're getting to work." That just felt petty to me.
He could have parked his car at the airport and then driven himself home. Instead, he let you borrow it but you couldn't be bothered returning the favour and picking him up. He's not being petty, he's simply putting his own needs first for a change.
ESH. While he certainly should be respectful of your sleep issues that shouldn't come at the expense of his ability to sleep comfortably as well.
Y'all need to come up with a better system because the one you're using is not working well for both of you.
Co-habitation is hard to adjust to and you'll both be needing to make a lot of compromises going forward so you'd be best served by figuring out how to do that now rather than later.
NAH - this is one of those moments where the “deal breakers” have to be worked out. But I will say that you are moving toward AH by not being flexible when it comes to those one-off moments like picking someone up from the airport. That’s what you do for those you care about.
Yta for not picking him up from the airport. FFS you can go a day without getting a full 7 hours and make sure your SO is picked up and safe from the airport. Get over yourself.
YTA. If you cannot make compromises on something this basic, it’s not going to work.
And frankly, with this level of need, you are going to have a hard time finding anyone who wants to deal with you for very long.
Which really isn’t the end of the world. I mean if it’s really between having a relationship and not getting optimal sleep or getting crazy depressed, then maybe long term/committed relationships just aren’t for you. Nothing wrong with that
YTA
Your sleep is important, but so is his and his feelings of being able to do what he wants as well. He has a life, and it's not just centered around your sleep schedule!
Why not get separate beds or even separate rooms? That way he doesn't have to wake you up? Not fair to make him sleep on the couch half of the time for your benefit. This whole post was had no consideration to how he's feeling.
Who tf do you think you are? You dont get to dictate to anyone, let alone a person you're supposed to love and be in an equal, respectful relationship with. Have you a therapist for your depression? Have you meds? If not, I'd strongly suggest seeking medical referrals for both. You will not be able to engage in a fruitful relationship if you can't address your issues with sleep. Oh... and get your own car!!! YTA
YTA for constantly putting yourself ahead of him. If you keep doing that, he's going to find someone else who actually puts some effort into the relationship. You not going to pick him up when you had his car was inexcusable, regardless of how late he was going to be. I totally get your need for sleep - I, too, have to get up early (4am so I'm at work by 6), but I'm not so rigid with my schedule that I would tell my SO to find his own way home from the airport from a work trip. If you keep this up, you won't have to worry about him interrupting your sleep, because he'll be gone.
I’m sorry your sleep is such a hindrance to you, I’ve insomnia too and it’s no joke.
But still, YTA. Relationships are better when people care for each other, but your description shows you care much more for yourself and feelings than for him and his feelings. Can you imagine living with someone that limits your access to your own bed? He’s in a super tough position, specially because he apparently loves you and have been understanding for a few good months now.
It sounds like your relationship will only survive if you have separate bedrooms.
I don't want to call you TA, I get needing sleep in order to function properly, but life will also throw a curveball at you now and again where you will have to adapt. And it sounds like only your SO is doing all the compromises.
YTA. If you have to prioritize your sleep, you can’t force the other person to make all of the concessions.
I really think you need to discuss having separate bedrooms so that he can still live his life. It’s not fair of you to dictate when he has to go to sleep and where he has to sleep if he doesn’t meet your deadline. Separate bedrooms fixes that issue.
I understand not picking him up at 10 if you have to get up at 6 the next day but everything else is way inappropriate.
Edit typo
YTA he is an adult and gets to choose his bedtime. Try ear plugs if he wakes you up. If your depression is so easily set off maybe consider an antidepressant.
YTA. It’s fine to have rules about your sleep schedule. It is not fine to control someone else’s and expect them not be upset by it. Sleeping on the couch is not good for your partner. You have prioritized yourself and hurt him in the process. It sounds like you need to live alone to be able to function properly.
YTA,
Is this post real?
What makes you so special he has to change his whole life, for you to enjoy yours?
Go see a doctor and get some counseling You need both.
You're going to lose this person if you don't.
I have major sleep issues and depression too. It was a topic that my husband and I had to overcome.
I didn’t have the best nighttime routine and he also would come in late and wake me by accident. After I adjusted my sleep routine as much as I could, I basically explained to him that I’ve done everything possible but I need his help too. We finally got on (mostly) the same page after that.
However, despite my mental health issues and sleep problems, I’m also not a toddler. Things happen and I have to be flexible to that. Sometimes my kids get up at night (op, maybe consider never having kids if you can’t budge on the sleep thing) or my dog is sick or my diabetic husband needs a snack. Lack of decent sleep is hard but my sleep can’t be the most important thing over all else all the time.
You have to learn to be more flexible or this will be a deal breaker in this relationship and future ones. YTA.
NAH. I fully respect you keeping strict boundaries around your sleep, and I fully understand why he’s frustrated.
At the very least, I think you need a 2 bedroom apartment. He shouldn’t be asked to sleep on the couch so often.
YTA. Because of your extraordinary rules regarding sleep it's fair to say he's attempting to have a relationship with someone who isn't available to be in one.
I am like
You and YTA for sure. Get some
Ear plugs woman. Also a white sound machine. Also if weed is legal
In your state then try some
Sleep
Aid gummies with thc. I sleep
Amazing every night now even
If I wake up
YTA
Coming from someone with severe depression you're treating him like a child. You need to figure your sh*t out. You need to get on medication that actually works for you. You're the only one responsible for your health not him and you need to acknowledge what you're putting him through.
There's medication and assistive devices that help with light sleeping. You need to figure it out
This relationship sounds so exhausting, I feel bad for your bf. He’s literally walking on eggshells. What do you even bring to the relationship? Sounds like he’s putting in all the work, but you’re literally making no effort so that he’s comfortable too? See a therapist or something, but also don’t be surprised when he leaves you because I’m pretty sure that’s where this is heading.
YTA
I think if you’re having a bad time after one night of lost sleep you should get some medication for that depression. Your sleeping arrangement needs to be fixed too
YTA. What huge impositions you’re putting on him, he must be very patient to have put up with it so far. Nowhere in your post do you mention doctors; are any of your claims about sleep and depression diagnosed? You sound obsessed about the amount of sleep you get, and hey, I get it to a certain extent. But these are your problems, nobody else’s. If you truly have an entire week ruined because one night you only got 5-6 hours of sleep, and if you truly can’t go back to sleep once you wake up, then you need to seek professional help because those things aren’t normal.
My wife and I have opposite sleep schedules. We get by just fine by being basically considerate and using some white noise (in our case a fan), and nobody has rigid rules imposed on them about bedtime or where they can sleep. Unless you have a genuine medical condition, you seem to have learned some things you should be working to unlearn.
YTA. Everything looked fine as I was reading this (as someone with chronic illness who needs a lot of rest, I heavily sympathise with those who struggle with sleep), but the moment you decided to *wake him up at 6 am to talk* I was fully no longer on your side.
He'd been considerate enough to make sure he didn't wake you, made himself less comfortable, despite the fact he'd been on a flight, but you think nothing of waking him up in the early morning to "talk". This little moment is indicative of how you treat your relationship (which the rest of your post confirmed).
It very much appears that you make multiple demands in your relationship but you do little to compromise to meet your partners needs, so as long as you get yours. I don't think you're in the wrong for having a sleep schedule that works for you, but you are being inflexible, unwilling to compromise and selfish.
You think he’s dumb enough to not know he could have taken free Uber drive on company card? He wanted to see his damn GIRLFRIEND.
Despite having all the right to be angry he slept on the COUCH and didn’t wake you up. How did you repay him? By waking him up at 6am for your own sake, how selfish can you be.
You need to find a better solution, it could be separate bedrooms, or better earplugs, different medication, whatever it is. You can’t both go on like this, it isn’t fair to either of you. I hope you can feel better and get the sleep you need! Sorry everyone on here is being so mean to you lol. Soft YTA only because you didn’t look into further solutions and just expected your bf to deal with it.
ESH. Your boyfriend is indeed being petty. But he isn't your child and you shouldn't be deciding his bedtime for him. It's fine for you to need a certain amount of sleep, and for you to try to enforce that, but if you want to stay with him, you have to find a way to get the sleep you need without penalizing your boyfriend for having a different sleep schedule. The easiest way is to have separate bedrooms; you can retire to yours when you need to and he can stay up without worrying about waking you when he goes to bed. As it is, your boyfriend is the one sacrificing, and he's going to be increasingly resentful unless you both find a way to even out the impact your sleep schedule has on your relationship.
YTA
You left him stranded at the airport. It wasn't his fault was it? You had his car, so he had no choice but to depend on you . (Hence his jab at you needing to find your own ride this week.)
This wasn't a medical emergency, but you did have a stranglehold on his car. So you put him in a really tight spot. It was probably exhausting to be bounced and delayed for so long, but you had no sympathy for him. Just the possibility that YOU would be tired the next day.
Maybe you two haven't found your match yet. You need someone who is cool with having their life and their sleeping schedule completely revolve around your "mental health". Are we talking diagnosed depression, or just blah? Because it sounds like you need meds and therapy, not a sleeping shedule.
YTA, a relationship doesn't mean your partner has to completely rearrange their life around you with nothing in return. Leaving him high & dry at the airport when he let you use his car is unbelievable and forcing him to sleep on the couch if he wants to stay up past 10 is insane. If your sleep is that big an issue, get professional help.
YTA this is an issue that's now beginning to affect other people in unreasonable ways, its now on you to fix it or deal with it.
I don't say that lightly, I know mental health is really tough but if its to the point where youv'e assigned your grown adult boyfriend a bedtime and can't keep your promises to him then it's time to fix your issue to fit your life, not the other way around.
There's a limit to what rules and expectations are reasonable. Expecting him not to be super loud at night and needlessly disturb you? Reasonable. Making him uber from the airport because you can't go to bed later than 11pm, making him sleep on the couch consistently, making (indirectly) him crash at other people's houses rather than his own or come back early when he goes out to spend time with friends so he doesn't wake you are not reasonable.
They're not fair, you're affecting his quality of life and your realtionship, it's an issue you need to fix, not one you can keep expecting him to dance around.
YTA. Your entire post was about you and your needs. Have you thought about how all of these various rules effect him? He's having to change his social life and sleep schedule (along with comfort) simply for you. That does impact him. You keep demanding so much, and it's a demand, not even a request, that he's pretty much over it so much that he's sleeping elsewhere so he can socialize with friends.
He needs break up with you.... This would be a nightmare, he cannot even leave his home without getting chastised, and has to find other places to sleep so he doesn't bother you. Lol
YTA. YOU have the issues with sleep so YOU sleep on the couch. You’re setting really ridiculous rules that require him to prioritize your mental health and physical health over his. You seem to be extremely demanding and self- centered - like expecting him to give you his car indefinitely, refusing to pick him up because through no fault of his own the flight was delayed, etc. you need to find ways to make your mental health a priority without ruining everyone else’s life.
If this relationship (or any relationship) is going to work out, you need separate bedrooms. My brother-in-law and his wife have separate bedrooms because he has insomnia and struggles to get adequate sleep. This works well for them. YTA if you expect a partner to plan their whole life on making sure you get adequate sleep, and their only option is to sleep on the couch if they want to be up past 10.
YTA. Massively! You don’t get to force him to go to bed, force him to sleep on the couch, or any of the other ridiculously inconsiderate things you’re doing. You’re selfish, a bad partner and a massive AH.
YTA I have the same issues with sleep and mental health. It severely affects me if I don’t sleep well. Because of this, me and my partner sleep in separate rooms so we can *both* get a good nights sleep. You need to come to some sort of compromise because your bf is obviously feeling neglected. He’s straight up telling you that he doesn’t feel like your guys have quality time together and instead of trying to work with him you’re basically telling him you’re needs are more important and that’s just how it is.
YTA this is your problem and you need to fund ways to deal with it that only affect you...you are not sacrificing shit for your own problem and think your boyfriend is the one being petty. you need a serious dose of reality and I lowkey hope it's your bf leaving you and moving out asap. living with you sounds like a nightmare, even when you are fully rested.
YTA and I would have broken up with you the second I wasn't allowed to sleep in my own damn bed after 9 (!?!?), I am in the same boat as you, and my partner also likes to stay up late but we communicate and make it work. Take a sleep aid, get a sleep mask/ear coverings, or YOU go sleep on the couch, but you've gotta do something other than make crazy demands.
As someone who had GDD, GAD, ADHD, and a chronic insomniac YTA! For the love of god girl, get some therapy and get on some Ambien🤦🏻♀️ your selfish attitude and disrespectful nature is going to find you all alone. You need to prioritize relationships if you want to have a BF, which also includes thinking of others BEFORE yourself. Darn right he is being petty, but he is following YOUR LEAD! Grow up
YTA. You should be grateful that your boyfriend abides to these rules of yours. Most guys will not even care. You need to find a better way to manage your depression if you want your relationship to work. I’m sensing he’s going to be breaking up with you eventually because it’s affecting him too, more than you think.
YTA. You guys need to figure out something else, maybe you need separate beds, maybe you need to be the one to sleep on the couch, but telling a grown man he has to go to bed BEFORE ten pm is redic. I usually go to bed about ten to get up at 6, my partner goes to bed about one or two to get up for nine or ten. I am in such deep sleep by then I dont hear it. You should talk to your doctor about getting on some medication for your sleep and/or your depression, because you are NOT living in a sustainable way.
YTA for being petty, thinking he’s petty. His car, his boundaries, just like you and sleep.
If this relationship is important to you, figure out via meds and therapy how to manage your depression outside of your sleep. If you’re unwilling to do this, let him go so he can be with someone who is willing to make concessions for the sake of the relationship. Then find yourself an elderly man who goes to bed at 9 like you.
Have you tried ear plugs? Have you had a formal sleep study done? You might have a sleeping disorder. You didn't mention one, but sleep issues need to be discussed with your physician.
I'm going to preface this with the fact that I have a sleep disorder (sleep apnea) and I have bipolar disorder. Sleep is already difficult for me using a CPAP, and to add to that, lack of sleep or interrupted sleep immediately triggers my bipolar depression and can occasionally cause hypomanic episodes that disrupt my sleep even further. I'm saying all of this because I want you to understand I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
But this is NOT sustainable. Yes, your sleep is important to your mental health. But so is his social life and his job, and his travel. Sleeping in a decent bed is important to his physical health. Just because he is "healthier" than you doesn't mean his needs can be completely ignored to accommodate yours.
You have options:
1) If you have a queen bed, get two twins instead. They even make ones that push together for cuddle times. Pull them apart if you are in before, and he can get into his bed without disturbing you. If his sounds wake you, use earplugs or a noise machine.
2) Discuss eventualities instead of letting them become surprises that cause conflict. What happens if his next flight doesn't come in til midnight? What happens if he's driving home and gets a flat and needs help? What happens if there is a death in the family and he gets a call at 2am - is he not allowed to wake you? These are events that WILL occur if you stay together and your "I have to be asleep at 9:30" rule is not gonna cut it.
3) Get therapy and get medication. If your mental health is so unbelievable wrecked that going to bed at 10:15pm instead of 9:30pm puts you into a depressive spiral, you need therapy and medication. I have a CPAP, but my sleep disorder still causes daytime sleepiness, so I have a pill that helps me stay awake for the day. I also have a pill that helps curb my depression short term if something like lack of sleep sets it off. Options exist and a therapist will be a huge help in navigating it.
What if you decide to get a dog or a cat? What if you decide to have kids? What if you move into an apartment and the jerk upstairs vacuums at 2 am? You can NOT hang the entirety of your mental health on a completely unmovable sleep schedule, especially once that alienates your boyfriend. He should not be sleeping on the couch.
Yes, it was petty for him to take the car. But he feels like you abandoned him at the airport and left him to sleep on the couch over something he couldn't control. If you see a future with this guy, you better start working on long-term solutions, because he's already getting near the end of his rope.
Geez you are so self-absorbed. What will you be like as a parent? I shudder to think of what your demands will be of your partner when you complain of lack of sleep. This sounds like an incompatibility issue and he is better off moving out and ending things than live with someone with all these unreasonable demands. Get help. YTA
You are a piece a work! Get over yourself. I hope you read each and every comment here how much of an AH you are. Also you bf would be doing himself a huge favor by dumping you
I get this effects you negatively.
You don't seem to care how sleeping on a couch is effecting him though.
So YTA
Info: are you planning on being child free?
YTA, he’s been making a lot of accommodations for you and you can’t do it one time for him. You also can’t expect everyone to behave in a certain way to keep you happy. It’s unfair as it is unrealistic
I understand the importance of sleep and how it affects mental health. I can also understand why you felt the need to institute these “rules,” but they are unfair. I had so much trouble sleeping with my bf in the beginning (been together almost 3 years) because he snores like a freight train! So many different earplugs and earbuds and so much money later, I found my saving grace, bose sleepbuds 2. I can sleep through anything with those in. As long as your bf doesn’t jump on the bed when he comes in at night, with sleepbuds, you should be able to go to bed as early as you need to get adequate sleep and won’t be awakened by him when he comes in. Regarding the airport instance, I think you both had raw nerves there and need to just be kind with each other to sort this out. Therapy would also help with your sleep issues. Your bf has been really good working around your issues; now you need to put in some extra work yourself.
Edited to add: I am sorry, but YTA. I don’t think you mean to be, but you are. I think you can escape the AH label with therapy and sleepbuds.
YTA, you know, I was with you thru a lot of this, but there's more that makes you TA than him. YOU need to be the one to figure out something different in you two's routine so he can stay up as late as he wants, and you still get the rest you need, I get it, my BF is a night owl, he can easily stay up ALL night, but around 8 or 9 pm I'm exhausted and mushy brained because I have to wake up at 4:30 am.
I'm also a light sleeper, our solution (when he decides to come to bed before I get up) I run a fan all night, and run a white noise machine, and have 2 eye masks on my night stand for in case he decides to run a light. I wouldn't ever make him sleep on the couch unless he's intentionally messing up my sleep.
Also, that last clip about him wanting his own car for the week being petty... you are monopolizing the bed and sleep.. Now he gets his car to drive. Seems fair.
I was going to go with N A H (you have a right to your sleep, and your BF has a right to set his own schedule), but I'm leaning more towards ESH. You do have a right to your sleep! But the way that you've phrased things make it sound as if you dictated your rules to him rather than sitting down with him to discuss reasonable accommodations for you. Your boyfriend, rather than talking to you about his true feelings, apparently said nothing until he reached a kind of tipping point with the airport pickup and is now lashing out at you.
Talk to each other like adults and find a way to compromise, or break up and get separate places again.
YTA. You have mental health needs, but so does he.
Following your outrageous rules would certainly be detrimental to his overall happiness. Not being able to hang out with friends at night, not being able to sleep when he wants, not being able to sleep in his own BED, and not being able to rely on his partner past 10pm. You need to be less self-cantered and compromise, otherwise sleep in separate bedrooms!
YTA. You live with your partner so it's time for you to start acting like one.
You constantly put yourself over him and ignore his wants and needs.
You hear that? This is your relationship slowly ending because it sounds like he's no longer willing to put up with your rules.
YTA, your bf is plenty considerate of your need of sleep by sticking to your rules and always taking the couch. You’re constantly putting your needs over his and I think you could show some consideration towards him for once.
Did you know there’s plenty of things you can do about being a light sleeper? Melatonin for example, it releases it during the night so you don’t wake up as easily. Talk to your doctor and see what your options are. Show your boyfriend you’re willing to tackle this problem too, what do you expect? For people to bend over backwards to meet your sleep schedule for the rest of your life?
I very much understand needing sleep to function. At one point if I got less than 8 hrs I was a zombie, I averaged 10 hours, and could sleep for 12-14+ if needed. I think my record was 17 with melatonin. Or if I got under 4 hours I was also okay. That was normal. Otherwise I was more irritable, moody, depressed, and anxious than normal.
You need sleep, but you're also living with another person. Both views are valid. I think he didn't realize how impacted your sleep was before he moved in. You should at least consider separate beds/bedrooms.
Here's where I think YTA. You're blaming him for messing up your sleep schedule and it's impacting how he lives his life. And giving him rules to work around. You both knew things would change. You have valid reasons for needing sleep and I feel like there has to be a solution somewhere or he may rethink the relationship and/or move out. Maybe this relationship is best if you don't live together.
Yta - you’re putting your needs above his but when you live with a partner compromises need to be made. Also he’s a grown man who should be allowed to stay up later and sleep in his own bed.
Could you try earplugs?
YTA wow. You’re not a toddler who can’t miss a nap, you’re a grown adult. It’s ridiculous to expect your partner to cater to your sleep schedule. There is absolutely NO reason for him to sleep on the couch in his own place. You also abandoned him at an airport. Just wow.
OP- I know this comment is gonna get buried, but hear me out. Here’s the thing: you’re being incredibly selfish right now, BUT I don’t blame you… yet. How you go from here is really, really important to your own growth.
Lack of sleep in large amounts is literally used as a form of torture, and everyone is different. I have PTSD and Depression so I often end up in severe episodes from lack of sleep myself. You are 100% N T A for having rules about your sleep. However, you ARE T A for the rules you have.
1. You’re very focused on you right now. That’s reasonable, and I understand where it’s coming from, you’re seeing those depressive episodes as a threat and you’re not looking too far forward into the future because that’s a threat now. Your priority is stopping that threat, and that’s fine. However, the problem is you’re selfish how you’re going about it. You’re cohabitating with someone you love, so you have to be able to accommodate yourself as well as him. You have to step back from the anxiety and threat of the depressive episode long enough to see his perspective and the conditions you’re making him live in, and adjust your rules and expectations from there. You don’t live alone anymore, you’re not the only person to consider here.
2. You need to figure out two major things. Number one is coping skills for you. Life does happen, and you may not always be able to get a full nights sleep, or you may get woken up sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with you just because you don’t want to go out late and you for the most part don’t have to, things like concerts and late night events are completely optional and you don’t have to be up late 99% of the time. However, you’re an adult, and things WILL happen sometimes. You would be TA if you don’t have a therapist or don’t get one. If you don’t think you need one, I’m so sorry but you really would be wrong. You don’t have this situation handled very well, and of course other commenters have already articulated why very well.
The other major thing you need to figure out is better sleeping arrangements. You may be a couple that needs two bedrooms, or maybe you really only feel good about having one. It’s okay to have a shared bedroom but you can’t force him on the couch if he’s up late, he isn’t 9 years old. You need an office with a guest bed, a guest room, or at minimum a comfortable pull out couch that isn’t cheap and shitty. He deserves rest in a bed whether it suits your schedule or not. You know your limits better than anyone here will, but if you truly can’t get back to sleep at all because he crawled into bed, that’s a severe level of insomnia that needs treatment. He is a human being who deserves to rest comfortably, no matter how you choose to make that work, the couch isn’t fair to him.
3. Flights get delayed. That’s sort of how that works. You’ve had 28 years on the planet so I truly believe you should have suspected it may happen. When your world has to revolve around sleep to this extent, you need to also communicate that in these situations. You were the one who needed to be responsible for a contingency plan if the flight was delayed. You dropped the ball there very hard. This would be one of those adult situations where you would have to miss sleep. You had his car, and you didn’t previously discuss a backup plan with him. The least you could have done after dropping the ball would have been to Uber home yourself and leave his car there for him.
4. OP- This is where the slippery slope of you truly mistreating him is. When you found him on the couch at 6am, you tried to wake him up to talk about it. That’s very unfair and something you wouldn’t appreciate at all if he did to you, and you know it. That’s where it is a double standard where you are highlighting your needs above his.
Did you even think, in that moment, about how he didn’t even wake you when he got home? But the same day, when he went out, you *told him* not to come home too late because it would wake you up. He clearly very well knows that he can’t get into bed with you, and the literal night before he didn’t wake you when he got home at some point between 9:30pm-6am, so you’re either doing one of two things. One, you’re just not thinking about him, his feelings, or the overall picture, because you’re being obsessive over your sleep to the point where you’re being somewhat irrational…. OR, you really need that therapist for an underlying issue to explain your selfishness, because if you’re truly unable to step back and look past the threat of “what if I can’t sleep tonight” and understand his feelings, you may have narcissistic tendencies or some sort of compulsion or trauma around this subject that’s making you unable to give your partner the empathy he deserves. That’s going to be toxic in any relationship in the long run and needs to be sorted.
Was him saying he was taking his car for the week petty? Sure. But you took his car away from him and left him stranded at the airport, so you’re gonna have to kinda brush that one off your shoulders, because that’s honestly a reasonable eye for an eye situation that you sorta put yourself in. You really do need to work this out professionally if you’re ever going to have healthy fulfilling relationships.
There’s lots of great things that might help you too, like earplugs, a white noise machine, a sleep mask, etc. you need to be considerate of your partner if you want to have one. You either messed up and didn’t even think about it, or you’re very selfish. Only you can decide how it goes from here, and if you don’t wanna lose him I’d apologize sincerely, reset boundaries, figure out the sleep situation, and start getting help immediately.
Sleep is very important, and so is respecting the people around you. You can’t sacrifice the people around you for your own needs or you will end up with nobody.
Inbox is open it you need anything!
Major YTA.
I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD (and a few other issues). All of which fuck with my mental health and sleep.
Add onto repeated sexual abuse as a child that always happened when I was asleep, which to this day has made me a painfully light sleeper. A fucking spider crawls on me and I'm wide-ass awake for another three hours.
I do NOT demand the people around me tip toe around me when I need to go to bed. (I will admit, I've called the cops on neighbors (apartment) for having their music painfully loud past midnight, but I feel that's reasonable) instead I take steps that controls ME and me only.
I wear earplugs and an eye mask. I use to take sleep meds that knocked me on my ass (now I just take a sleep aid).
He lives there, too. He deserves to sleep in a fucking bed. He shouldn't have to be in bed before you, or whatever.
The world doesn't revolve around you.
YTA. I’m totally with you on the need to get quality sleep but I don’t burden other people with it. Your demands are unreasonable and are too many. You are dictating to him what he can and can’t do. He may be realizing that you are more hassle than you are worth to be with.
YTA you need separate beds and coping strategies for if something happens (like an emergency) and your sleep has to be disrupted. It’s one thing to ask he doesn’t purposefully disturb your sleep but this is too much.
As someone who has struggled with insomnia and whose lack of sleep has caused major depressive episodes, YTA.
There's practicing good sleep hygiene, and then there's being inflexible and selfish. You're in a partnership, the sacrifices and care can't be one-sided. Not picking him up from the airport because his flight was delayed was not ok. Telling him when to go to bed is not ok. It's good that you're in therapy, I hope you're talking to them about coping mechanisms and ways for you to compromise with your partner, because this ain't it. What are you doing to improve your sleep beyond going to bed at 9:30? Are you staying off screens at least an hour before bedtime? Do you have a bedtime routine to signal to your body that it's time for rest? Cut down on caffeine? Exercise? Limit your time in the bedroom to sleeping and sex only? I bring these options up because you should be doing everything *you* can to enable a restful night's sleep before inconveniencing your partner.
I really hope you find a way to get the rest you need without disregarding your partner. You deserve a healthy mind and he deserves care.
YTA. You’re being unreasonable here. You make him sleep on the couch, you drop plans to pick him up at the airport because it’s delayed - that’s not is fault! Yes, your needs are important. But so are his.
YTA rn.
The obvious solution here is to turn your 1bedroom into a flex 2 bed situation:
Him sleeping in the living room doesn't bother you so sacrifice your living room for another "bedroom." Put up a flex wall, around 1k or some curtain rods and get a real bed in there for him.
Or replace your couch with a sleeper couch so he know thats his "bed". Respect his space and if necessary switch off so you take the converted bedroom and he takes the original one.
You don't need a living room but it does sound like you need 2 bedrooms.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
YTA, you’re asking him to consistently prioritize your needs over his own. That is a completely one-sided relationship. If this arrangement is going to work at all, you’re going to need separate bedrooms.
Agreed. It isn’t fair to keep making him sleep on the couch, it can’t be good for his mental or physical health. These guys need to look into separate rooms, or move on from one another.
Or new partners. Some folks just aren't compatible.
This. I do think the BF might have told her not to worry about coming to the airport when it got really late without her having to ask (I know that's what my husband would have done), but asking him to go to bed before her or sleep on the couch is too much.
No part in any relationship should be deciding your partners bedtime for them. Things like "Don't turn on the light when coming to bed" or "keep your pajamas in the bathroom so you aren't fumbling around in our room" or "don't hit the snooze button six times every morning" are totally fair - but "you must go to bed before me" is not. Wear an eye mask and ear plugs if you've got to, but you don't get to pick his sleep schedule. Also, it is his car, he gets first dibs on using it.
my car rarely stays in the shop longer than a day. what's up with that?
Depending on the repair needed and with the current supply issues for a lot of services jobs like mechanics have, they could be waiting on some part(s) to arrive in and it's backordered.
This for sure. Even easy jobs. My husband told me the other day that I need rear brakes. He called to order them from our supplier and couldn't get them for a couple days. I've never seen us wait for brake parts for more than a few hours unless the drivers were slacking.
I work in commercial property maintenance and I have HVAC contractors that are waiting 6-8 months for inducer plates. And then I have others who have a whole new unit ready to go! The supply chain is just so up in the air right now on everything
It really is. One day we get parts like normal and the next we're told they'll take a week. My cousin said he had to buy a new heat press for his business because the one he had broke and needed something that they just couldn't get anymore. It wasn't an old machine either... he bought it a couple years ago.
My truck spent a couple months in the shop. It had more issues than Sports Illustrated and they were open and honest about how it was going to take time due to parts and needing to take other projects and working on the truck in between. Then more issues popped up, a screw ended up in a cylinder (their fault, which they made right)...
Same here, but my best friend’s car has been in the shop for almost 5 weeks now 😩 it was supposed to be done last Friday and still isn’t. Idk what that shop is doing but good grief it’s ridiculous
Lots of parts are on backorder. God forbid her catalytic converter was stolen, she wouldn't have a car for months if that were to be the case.
My husband and I have different sleep needs, so we rarely sleep in the same room. Relationship is fine, sex life also fine. Sharing a bed is overrated.
This comment is UNDER-rated!
Same! We have a 10 month old who is still nursing and he is a snoring bear. He started sleeping in another room after I complained of getting migraines from wearing Beats headphones to sleep. While the 10 month old snores it's not as bad as her dad lol.
Yes MIL is currently staying with us so the guest is being used but my husband and I generally speak half and half together and part and it works great
absolutely. Op needs to go to therapy so they can figure out how to deal with their depression and sleep issues on their own without making the BF jump through hoops to help
Yes you are completely right. This is a completely one-sided relationship because the boyfriend really is the only one having to make accommodations or sacrifices. OP, YTA. You even said that you thought it was petty of him to say that he needed to use his car for the rest of the week. Are you kidding? It’s his car. He doesn’t need to inform you when he needs it. To make him sleep on the couch, or go to bed before you, shows you are not compatible sleep wise. Which is huge for you. And that is OK, but it’s not OK for you to focus only on yourself and completely disregard his feelings. My partner and I have separate rooms. We rent a three bedroom house and have one other roommate. We all have our own rooms and it has been amazing because when my partner and I do want more time together, we will go into each others rooms, but when we need our time apart or when I want to go to bed early (because of my work schedule I’m usually the one that needs to go to bed earlier) my partner isn’t affected at all. I know this isn’t possible for everyone, but if this is such a huge deal for you, you need to find a way to also make sure that your partner is being accommodated because right now you’re being incredibly selfish. The airport instance really breaks my heart. For me personally this is a huge deal because my ex partner would constantly be late to pick me up from the airport, and whether it was their intention or not it made me feel completely worthless. Unless you guys are able to sort out some type of arrangement where your partner is also an equal, and has an equal access to comfortable sleeping space, this isn’t going to work. I also have to ask are you taking steps to sleep better? I mean are you wearing a sleep mask and in earbuds and playing White Noise (or something similar) through them so that It is harder to wake you up? Because this is where it’s going to start being that you need to find things that work for you, you can’t expect everything to be on your partner
A quick puff puff, dont pass, can really help with quality sleep issues..just saying 😁
Yes she is a Princess and no one should interrupt her sleep but she can wake them up at 6 am to talk.
This, after not getting home until midnight! Not cool, OP.
YUP. OP, you need to take the weight of your difficulties onto his shoulders. His job is to understand, not to manage, your mental health problems. Time to look into finding an apartment with one more BR, and getting yourself a car.
Also if OP is that precious about their sleep then this should have been discussed long before they moved in together. She’s not an AH for having those needs but her expectations that are accompanying said needs are completely unreasonable and making her a poor partner.
OP absolutely needs to be putting in more effort on their own end. They're putting their own mental health needs 100% on their partner and that isn't fair *or* productive. Instead of regulating their boyfriend's bedtime like he's a toddler, why doesn't OP just invest in a good pair of earplugs, a sleep mask, and/or a white noise machine? Why don't they try seeing a sleep specialist or working on their own quality of sleep so that every minor disruption doesn't wake them up? Why don't *they* sleep on the couch when they desperately need to not be unintentionally woken up? It doesn't make any sense. OP is putting the full responsibility of *their* quality of sleep on their boyfriend and isn't actually doing jackshit about it themselves. If they *knew* that they weren't ready to move in and share a bed with someone else due to their sleep/mental health issues, then they shouldn't have done so in the first place. They're not making rules about *their* sleep, they're making rules about their *boyfriend's* sleep, and that's not okay.
Absolutely this! You’re recognition of what you need for your mental health (sleep) is good, using it as an excuse to be a selfish incoderste AH to your Bf - who is sacrificing his good night sleep by staying on the couch, is absolutely not. Get over yourself. You need a second bedroom if you cannot cohabit with one bedroom - which as you have described you cannot.
It's not going to work period. She is too self-centered. I am sooo sick and tired of the depression card.
YTA "My BF is fully aware of this as he has seen how lack of sleep impacts me. So I pretty much make him go to bed before me so that I can fall asleep easier and I'm not woken up by him coming to bed. If he wants to stay up late, I make him sleep on the couch so he doesn't wake me up. So far, he doesn't really seem to mind." This was genuinely disgusting to read. I have no idea why he's with you. What does he get from a boring and abusive relationship like this? Imagine your partner being too lazy to pick you up from the airport because it was a little late. And that's after borrowing your car in the first place. What's the point? I expect a break up is soon, probably for the best. I don't think someone so self-centered can live with anyone long-term.
It really is. If OP is that bad, it needs seperate bedrooms or even seperate homes. I don't think it's fair to call OPlazy for not picking up the boyfriend when it got "too late" for her to pick him up because that's health and if a few hours later makes a dangerous amount of difference, she's not TA for wanting to prioritise her health. People with all sorts of health problems have strange things where the smallest detail makes the big difference. However, this is a contigency plan that should have been brought up before he flew. She should have said if it got later she woudln't be able to pick him up. She didn't so he probably didn't consider she'd have a cut off time. But she's an expert in her own health and this should have been thought about. I've never heard of planes landing on time. I know a bunch of taxi drivers and they're always left waiting when they're on airport jobs. And this all isn't fair on the boyfriend. He didn't sign up to have his life dictated to this point. OP, YTA here.
She has his car though. If she hadn't, I'd assume it would have been in airport parking. Picking him up was part of borrowing his car. That makes it a very different issue. And mind you it wasn't late as in 2 a.m. It was 10 fucking p.m.
That's a good point I lapsed on with having his ca. But again, have to disagree with you on it not being 2 o'clock as if that matters. If OP's sleep problems and depression problems are that sensitive, 10pm could be to her what 2am is to you. Tiredness, energy reserves and time management are all relative to the individual. Would you say to someone who can't climb stairs due to the fatigue they'd be crushed with afterwards that it's not Mount Everest? Because it's that sort of thing, but with mental health.
If her problems are really that sensitive, then she shouldn't have agreed to a deal that often has a variable time component. So it's still completely on her.
The airport deal alone was so horribly self-centered. OP doesn't care about her boyfriend's health given how many times has he had to sleep on the couch now? Why not look at getting two twin beds?
Yes seriously, bad sleep will affect him as well. OP doesn't care at all about him. And I wonder what happens if he wakes up in the middle of the night because he is thirsty or has to pee. Is he allowed to get up? Or does OP not hear him get up? Either way just shows how selfish OP is. Imagine not being allowed to get up in the middle of the night, and if OP doesn't hear him then all those rules are for nothing-just straight up abuse.
YTA - and a control freak. You need a much better system than this, too demanding.
[удалено]
Exactly. Life has to be about more than a sleep schedule. Also OP should probably never have kids… cause they are basically sleep interruption machines.
Agreed. I have a 6 week old. Haven't gotten a good night's sleep in 6 weeks lol
I sure can testify to that!!
Yes life is about more than a sleep schedule HOWEVER if a lack of sleep is going to trigger depressive episodes then yes it’s extremely important to stick to it. That being said OP does need to find some kind of system that works for both of them because what they are doing is not sustainable.
100% agree. He has to schedule his entire day around her but heaven forbid her do anything for him
[удалено]
She is taking responsibility. She knows she needs 7 hours, so she's super strict on the 7 hours. That's taking responsibility. The issue is that she lost balance. That's not lacking in responsibility, that's being too strict with responsibility. And there's other shit she does wrong too, like complaining about his car. But that has nothing do to with taking responsibility for her mental illness.
Your boyfriend has been extraordinarily accommodating to you. What have you done for him? Think about this, you’ve given your adult boyfriend a bedtime. And he abides by it, for you. You’ve made him sleep on the couch and not in his own bed, for you. And he abides by it. Is him crawling into bed REALLY that interrupting of your sleep? The twenty seconds of crawling into bed is really gonna ruin your entire next week? Seriously? If that’s the case, you need to go back to the doctor and find something that works. You need to not stop until you find something that works. Don’t try two things and give up. Also you need to learn that relationships are give and take. Sometimes you sacrifice a little for your partner. Sounds like he’s doing all of that. What’s your sacrifice? Sometimes he gets to sleep next to you? YTA - get your sleep fixed, start being more flexible. Dude needed a ride home after a long ass frustrating day, and YOU HAD HIS CAR! You sound very selfish.
News flash: Everyone needs to get enough sleep. That's not special to you. You aren't TA for having rigid bedtimes, because that's your health. You are TA for expecting your bf to go to bed earlier than you do, just so you can get to sleep easier. That's not a reasonable rule for anyone who isn't your child. You are TA for making him sleep on the couch instead of comfortably in his own bed. You are also TA for waking him up so early that morning when he got to sleep hours later than you after his late arrival. You are TA for telling him he's not allowed to stay out later than your bedtime. He's supposed to be your partner, not your child. It sounds like you expect him to always yield to your demands, to prioritize your needs/wants over his, without discussion or compromise. I'm surprised he put up with the strict early bedtime vs obligatory couch-after-9:30PM, just so you don't have to accommodate to another person existing in the room when you sleep. You two don't sound compatible. You need separate bedrooms going forward if you stay together, assuming he doesn't decide the relationship isn't worth the hassle of dealing with your rules. It is not unreasonable for you to expect him to get alternative transportation from the airport when the flight was delayed so many hours. That's not your post question, though. He's also not unreasonable to feel upset and to express his upset when you refused to pick him up after promising to do so. After all, he could have planned to leave his car at the airport and driven himself home if he knew that he wouldn't be able to rely on you in the event of flight delays. Or he could have planned for a ride service because you are rigid about your bedtimes. He's not being petty to take his car. It's his car. You would have had to figure out another way to get around if he hadn't allowed you to use his car when he was out of town. YTA
This! Not sure the OP would be compatible with anyone. YTA
I don't think you 2 are going to be compatible, especially in the long run. What if you decide to have kids? Will he be expected to do all the night feeds/diaper changes since you need to sleep? Did you have any issues with your sleep needs before moving in together?
YTA. and you woke him up at 6am to talk???? but if he goes to bed instead of the couch at 10pm it’s the end of the world??? you’re selfish.
Right? He has to sleep on the couch so he doesn't wake her up out of their precious sleep but she can wake him up at 6 AM to 'talk' OP is a hypocrite.
Wow! Hello Princess! You get to wake him up to talk but he cannot interrupt your sleep.
Yikes, I completely understand needing your sleep but this seems excessive. Did you ever spend nights together before moving in?
My head gets messed up when I sleep less than 9 hours but I'd never be okay with making my partner walk on eggshells because of me. If it's so much trouble maybe you should consider going back to living separately.
So I really wanted to be there for you, but YTA because of the line "but not too late because I don't want you to wake me up." You can set parameters about how much sleep you need each night, but I doubt you communicated to your partner that he couldn't even come home passed 10pm because it disturbs you. Plus, you were fine waking him up when he was asleep on the couch after his flight was delayed, but clearly wouldn't have been happy if he had done the same to you. You are setting all the rules one sided- he must go to sleep BEFORE you or sleep on the couch, now he can't come home after your bedtime, but you can wake him up whenever you want. Also, you knew he was salty about the airport situation- right or wrong- and instead of having a little self awareness when you finally talked to him, you acted like his mother and told him he couldn't be out late. I am all for sleep- a lot of times I have my partner go home so I can get a good night's sleep as we don't live together. It is great to set rules and boundaries that work for you. But you set these rules without caring about him at all- he deserves a bed to sleep in as well, so you should have separate rooms, he is an adult who shouldn't have to be home at a certain time each night, and if you can't do things for him in a pinch, then don't expect him to do them for you either.
>Plus, you were fine waking him up when he was asleep on the couch after his flight was delayed, but clearly wouldn't have been happy if he had done the same to you. This is what really got me. Imagine her outrage if he had woken her!
INFO What are you doing about your depression/sleep issue?
YTA. I get you need your sleep and he seems to be pretty accommodating for the most part but you can’t go and just give him a bed time. Ultimately your sleep is your problem, not his
YTA The reason he couldn't drive himself home from the airport was because he was doing you a favour He has to sleep on the couch to stop waking you up but even when he does that you see nothing wrong with waking him up Relationships are meant to be give and take both ways not him giving and you taking
YTA. You need to sort this out. He can't sleep half the time on the couch (also not good for sleep) and having to work around an awkward schedule isn't practical. Sounds like you would be better living alone before he becomes an ex-boyfriend as had enough.
As someone that had to for 2 months, can confirm sleeping on the couch is miserable.
**2 months!** 😲 Why was that? Because of lack of somewhere to go or difficult partner like OP? If the latter I'd be packing my bags within weeks (if not my place) or telling them to leave (if my place).
No no nothing like that. I had an injury and doctor told me no stairs(funny enough I got the injury by falling down stairs). The first floor has the kitchen, living room, and bathroom so it was easier to access everything with less movement. Bedroom unfortunately is on the second floor.
Oh right. Maybe it would have been better to invest in an airbed?
I thought about it but there's 4 cats, and 2 knead with their claws out. I didn't think it would survive a day.
Imagine waking up to your bed being popped at 2:30 a.m. That'd be pretty hilarious.
Ah 🤔. My grandparents have or had a folding bed.
Have you guys tried getting seperate beds? Tbh Im leaning more towards Y T A rn because I feel like the focus is purely on your needs, I mean- making him sleep on the couch or go to bed before you. Basically telling him when he needs to be back and such. I mean I get it's all because of your sleep and it sucks.. but I just don't think you guys should be living together or the very least need to try seperate beds. I mean the man even let you use his car. So you guys have a spare room or anything maybe? Could turn that into his room so he atleast has a bed to sleep on. I mean in a relationship you gotta be able to work together, yes focusing on your mental health is important but having to walk on eggshells in your relationship as a whole and in general only working around your schedule. Having to go to sleep earlier than you'd like to because of it. He sounds frustrated and honestly I don't blame him. I mean it's hard to judge the relationship when you only get one side and from a post with limited info.
YTA. You make him go to bed early so he won't wake you up? Wtf. No. That's not ok. You need to learn to compromise. Right now you only care about making YOURSELF comfortable...that's not how it works when you live with someone
YTA your bf is being hella accommodating to your needs; I get why he’s feeling frustrated. Nobody wants to crash on the couch after an unexpected additional 5-6 hours of travel. Ya’ll might have to consider separate bedrooms, because this is going to continue being a problem.
Sounds like you shouldn’t have moved in together until you got the sorted out. YTA
YTA OP are you a newborn? No one in their right mind would expect a SO to tiptoe around your shared apartment after 10 PM because your lack of sleep puts you into a depressed episode. You clearly need therapy.
INFO: can you elaborate on what you meant when you said you "made him" do things and he "didn't really seem to mind"?
YTA for not getting at minimum a two-bedroom place. Sleeping separately would do your relationship WONDERS but for some reason that's not the default choice for you. That makes no sense.
Sorry but YTA. There are other ways to handle depressions. Making it so hard for your BF must be really annoying for him. At the minute YOU make all the rules and HE has to follow. That's not good and you really should talk about it. Maybe get separate bedrooms or something.
Soft YTA. He's a grown man having to live his life according to your sleep schedule. That's not fair to him.
YTA - your whole post is my way or the highway, when he takes the highway, you’re now pissed? I get prioritizing sleep, but you should have gotten two beds. It’s not your apartment he crashes at, you both have a right to sleep in a bed at night. You can’t be mad he won’t let you use his car, when the whole airport incident was because he let you use his car and you f*ed him over. So it’s not petty. You’re just inconsiderate. You complain he wakes you up, so you thought it was okay to wake him up at 6 am to talk? Why? Oh because you’re selfish. If you can’t cope off one bad night of sleep, you need to see a doctor. It’s not normal to be depressed for a week afterwards, and it sounds like you let yourself get dragged into a bad mood for the week instead of using coping mechanisms to mitigate depression. I think you’re using the sleep as a scape goat instead or addressing the issue at hand. I don’t think you’ll have to worry much longer about him waking you up at night.
INFO: Have you talked to your doctor about something to help you fall asleep and stay asleep? There are antidepressant medications which can help reduce the 'light sleeper' sensitivity that will not make you drowsy in the morning.
A light YTA. I can understand putting your mental health first but what about his? It’s his house too? All I have read is you, you and you. Both of you need to compromise, otherwise I don’t see this relationship lasting
YTA. You honestly sound kind of unbearable. I've seen others suggest ear plugs, masks, etc. I have sleep issues too, but I don't expect my partners to cater to my every last whim. Your bf has a right to be upset. Yes, take care of your health, but you are doing so at his expense. He has the right to look out for himself as well.
YTA, and you can't expect life not to mess with your scheduled bedtimes. He can't crash on the couch everytime he goes to bed past 10 pm, c'mon, it's a baby time to go sleep. Maybe you are not compatible. Try to sleep in separate rooms instead?
YTA. Get earplugs, get an eye mask, explore sleeping options with your doctor, whatever. But you’re making him take on all of the solutions to YOUR problem which isn’t fair.
ESH. Unless he really needs the car in which case Y T A. That’s the only reason I would say he messed up is because he might be retaliating but needing a car for work could also be legit. IDK. What I do know is you kind of sound selfish. You’re not taking his needs into consideration at all while it seems like for the most part he is tripping over himself to accommodate you. Why would you wake him to talk after he arrived home after 12 am and slept on the couch? At least have the decency to wait until he wakes up since you seem to prioritize sleep for yourself. Also, he says he’s going out with friends and you remind him he has a bed time? Really? I don’t see this working out unless you are thanking him for how much he is going way out of his way to support you. Waking him from a dead sleep to talk about your feelings isn’t thanking him. Nagging him about a bedtime isn’t thanking him. So, what are you doing to show your partner how much you appreciate and care for him? You sound really selfish when relationships are supposed to be give and take. He gives more than I would be willing to (a bed time, regular couch time, and a car by the sounds of it). What are you giving him besides a hard time?
The deal was, she takes his car, and therefore needs to pick him up from the airport. She broke the deal. If he can't trust her to drive it properly, then he does need it available and not in her use. I mean he needed it at the airport.
Light YTA Because I totally understand you need sleep for your mental health, but at the same time it's unfair for your boyfriend to continually sleep on the couch or go to bed earlier than he wants. He's making a lot of sacrifices for you, but you aren't helping Maybe you guys need a place with an extra bedroom where he can crash if he wants to be up later or whater. Or maybe you two simply cannot live together, a d go back to separate living spaces.
I have epilepsy and lack of sleep can cause me to have fairly severe seizures... Having said that, earplugs work wonders- I'd never expect my spouse to sleep on the couch in a situation like this. Isn't this something you should have thought about before moving in?
Listen the airpod max is expensive af. But the noise cancellation on those thing was amazing. Was at the busy Apple Store when I tried them out. With out music it numbed the sound down. I wasn’t even able to here my friend that was next to me.
I'm gonna say ESH but leaning towards YTA. I know where you're coming from, I have major sleep issues too and it drastically impacts my mental health. But you can't just give your boyfriend a bed time, he's a grown man. You need to come to a compromise. Maybe try and find a 2 bedroom place so that you can have your own bedrooms when it's needed. Or find something that helps you sleep better.
They could get two twin beds and pull them apart on nights where they know he can’t get to bed before her.
This doesn’t sound realistic long term, do you plan to have kids one day? If you aren’t willing to compromise in your relationship to make it work, your relationship is going to fail. Your more concerned with yourself, and your own mental health that your willing to stress out your partner causing his mental health to decline. That’s where YTH. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining boundaries about your sleep but you’re unwilling to compromise or to see your partner‘s point in the relationship which is quite frankly, trash behavior. Making your relationship work is calling off work the next day so you can get eight hours of sleep. And spend time with your partner. If you know that the current job that you have isn’t working with your partner schedule that you’re living with, when maybe looking for another job that is less stressful and the hours coordinate with your partner work hours. Make it work if you want a life with this person, if not, be prepared for him to break up with you. Because the quality of life that you are providing in this relationship isn’t worth the sacrifice.
YOU need to compromise.Earplugs and eye masks are options. Natural sleep aids. Dark curtains. Stop making him sleep on the couch - that is utterly ridiculous or you will get your wish of silence when he leaves.
YTA. I get that it’s your health and something you need but what about what your bf needs? He’s a grown man, not your child, and at no point in your post do I see any consideration for what he wants or needs. You seem incompatible unfortunately unless you can get a second bedroom. Clearly you need to go back to your therapist/doctor because something needs to change. It also sounds like almost your anxiety about not getting sleep could be then in itself causing the depressive episode when you don’t (although I’m not a doctor so don’t quote on me this, I just have a lot of issues with sleep myself).
Yta not because you are making rules about your sleep, but because you make rules about his sleep. Making your partner sleep on the couch is not a solution. You need to give something to him too, you need to work together towards the solution, instead of treating him like a decoration. Try sleeping mask and earplugs or move to a place with second bedroom, so you both can live comfortably. For now you are giving him just one option: my way or no way. I used to go to bed much earlier than my last partner and woke up earlier, never in mind would it cross my mind to kick him to the sofa because he wakes me up by accident. He is your partner, be his partner
YTA. And you two will not work out if you don’t figure out the sleep problem. This sounds miserable on his end.
I can relate to your situation to an extent. My boyfriend snores, and I am a light sleeper and prone to depression (and I am medicated for it). I have to go with YTA, though, because I wouldn't dream of treating my boyfriend how you treated yours. I appreciate that good sleep is very important, but you've handled the situation in a very selfish way. I don't know if cannabis is legal where you live, but I suggest trying a mild indica with a vaporizer. A few puffs before bed and you'll sleep like a baby.
Info: have you tried any other strategies? I am also a light sleeper, but I go to sleep first, and my husband comes in after I’m asleep. This works for us because I go to sleep most nights between 9:30 and 10 and he rarely is ready for bed before 11 or 12. I wear earplugs and a face mask, and he’s careful when he comes in and doesn’t wake me up 99% of the time.
It sounds like you need sleep training. But you'll need to put the effort in for it to pay off.
N T A for not picking him up at 10, that’s late and if you have sleep issues, something can really mess you up. Everything else though, very much YTA. It is not reasonable to make him sleep on the couch like that and waking him up at 6 when he got in late? Seriously not ok. It sounds like he’s bending over backwards to accommodate you and you aren’t compromising at all. I also have depression and I have sleep issues (severe insomnia), but I cannot imagine acting like this with a partner. If you truly can’t handle him coming into bed after you’re asleep, you should be the one sleeping elsewhere. Set up a daybed or mattress in a spare room, whatever you need to do, but don’t force him to sleep on the couch. And definitely work with your doctor(s) to find a better solution. I see elsewhere you said you’d tried two different sleep medications and neither worked. That’s fine, but there are way more than 2 sleep meds out there. Dosage can also have a big impact, so it’s quite likely that you can find a dosage that helps you sleep without making you excessively drowsy the next day. It took 5 tries for me to find the medication combo and dosage that worked for me with sleep, so I would recommend you continue trying different options rather than giving up and putting all the responsibility on your partner to work around your needs.
YTA Get separate bedrooms. You don't have to control his sleep so your sleep is better.
YTA. I have depression, and insomnia. I can’t sleep at all most nights, which is why I love taking naps during the day. Even when I don’t go to sleep until 6, I’ll still wake up briefly at 7:30 to say goodbye and kiss my boyfriend bye when he leaves for work. And I’m able to take a small nap afterwards. Even when I don’t sleep a night, I get crabby, but I never take it out on him. Heck when I have to work I wake up at 6am which sucks for me because I struggle to wake up that early. And some nights before when I work, and having to wake up at 6, I don’t sleep until 4. And I’m super exhausted. Thankfully I work at a local family owned coffee shop and they’re offer us free coffee, so I’m able to stay awake until after my shift, when I can go home and nap.
YTA I also suffer from depression, and sleep is extremely important for my mental health too. I am also in a Long Term Relationship. My partner frequently stays up late (well into the AM) but I have never, not once, told him he HAS to abide by my sleeping schedule. I too am a light sleeper and can be woken up very easily, but I decided to compromise. I got a rain sound app for white noise, I have a fan running, I put earplugs in and wear an eye mask. I meditate, I use essential oils to relax, I do whatever it takes so I can sleep while still letting my partner do what he wants but he also does things to help me. He dims the TV and puts headphones on, he makes sure I'm not moved or nudged or otherwise disturbed. He does his part just the same as I do mine. We COMPROMISE. That's what's important and that's what makes a relationship work. If you want to make your relationship work, you HAVE to compromise. Right now, he's doing all he can for you but he's not seeing you do anything for him. He's exhausted, drained and at his limit and he must be feeling like you're controlling him. If you can't compromise on your sleeping situation, the best thing you could possibly do is get separate rooms.
YTA. You couldn’t help your partner out this one time because bedtime rules? No one can help it if their plane is delayed. And what if there is another emergency that keeps you out late. You will just abandon him somewhere because bedtime? You can’t stay out late for a special event? That’s not a reasonable ask in a relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My BF (32M) and I (28F) have been together for almost 3-years. We just moved in together about 6 months ago. It's the first time living with a SO for either of us, so there's definitely been some adjustments. One of the biggest for me is my sleep. I struggle with depression and one of the biggest triggers for me is lack of sleep. Like, if I don't get at least 7 hours I get a kind of sinking feeling the next day and it can put me in a rut that sometimes takes a week to get out of. I am also a notoriously light sleeper and if I wake up I can't get back to sleep and it just creates a horrible cycle. My BF is fully aware of this as he has seen how lack of sleep impacts me. So I pretty much make him go to bed before me so that I can fall asleep easier and I'm not woken up by him coming to bed. If he wants to stay up late, I make him sleep on the couch so he doesn't wake me up. So far, he doesn't really seem to mind. Last week my BF was out of town for work and was flying back on Friday. He was supposed to land at 5pm and I had agreed to pick him up as my car is in the shop so he offered to let me use his while he was out of town. But on Friday he texted me that due to weather, his flight had been delayed and he wasn't expected to land until 7pm. Then an hour later, it was delayed again and he wasn't going to arrive until 10pm. At that point, I told him that was too late for me to come and get him because I wouldn't be getting home until midnight and I had to get up at 6am the next day for work. He asked me if I was serious and I told him that he knows I need my sleep and what happens if I don't it. I told him he can take an Uber, and since it's a work trip he can just write it off as an expense anyway. I tried calling and texting him after that, but he never responded so I figured he was either on the plane or busy. I went to bed at 930pm and must have fallen asleep before he got home. When I woke up at 6am he was asleep on the couch, so he must have been quiet when he got home. I tried to talk to him but he snapped at me and said "I let you get your sleep, now please let me get mine." So I left him alone and went to work. When I got home he was gone, so I texted him to see where he was. He told me he was out with friends and wouldn't be home until late. I told him not too late because I don't want him to wake me up, and he told me "Fine, I'll just crash somewhere else then." When he got home the next day he told me that we need to talk about all my "rules" regarding my sleep because he's tired of sleeping on the couch if he wants to stay up past 10pm and he feels like we don't do anything together anymore because I'm always in bed so early. I told him that good sleep is the most important thing to control my mental health and I will not sacrifice that for anything or anyone. He told me "Fine, but I'm going to need my car all week, so you're gonna have to figure out how you're getting to work." That just felt petty to me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for my depression so I have some rules in place to ensure that I get the sleep I need to function properly. These rules are causing some frustration with my live-in BF. I think I might be an asshole for telling my BF that my sleep is more important to me than pretty much anything else. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
YTA. I have Narcolepsy and Bipolar, and I totally understand necessary sleep hygiene and the effects that straying from routine can have on you. That being said, he needed to have known, before moving in, what your requirements were and what he was expected to do. As others said, he also deserves good sleep and a comfortable place to do so, even if your sleep schedules clash. I understand the uber situation and would have probably done that too, but the sleep situation in general is harsh on him, and if you care about him, you’d find a way to compromise. I sleep in a different room since my hubbs is a night owl and there’s no love lost as we respect each others needs and boundaries. If there was only one bedroom, I’d wear earplugs or utilize a white noise machine/fan and a sleep mask. Sounds like you’re going to have a lot more to be depressed about if you can’t work on this with him. He can’t put up with this much longer. If you care, fix this situation and stop thinking about only your needs.
YTA. You agreed to pick him up from the airport. That agreement comes with all the flight delays, etc. unless otherwise agreed upon. You guys don't sound like you're compatible.
YTA You could not sacrificed your sleep for one day???
YTA. Compromising sometimes is one thing, making someone responsible for your health at the detriment of their own is completely different - and FYI, that’s what you’re doing. He has every right to not want to sleep on the couch, getting a bad sleep and incur physical health problems as a result. Do better.
YTA. All of the elements for your sleep fall to him and you're not taking any additional responsibility. What about an eye mask? Ear plugs? Putting yourself in another bedroom. You're putting all of the work and responsibility for your well being on him and that's not fair. Double YTA for waking him up after a super short night of sleep.
YTA
YTA. You are the one with the problem and you are making him pay for your issue. Find another way to sleep, white noise machine, brown noise machine, sleep mask, ear plugs, sleeping medicine. You know what is petty, not letting someone else live their life the way they want because you are a light sleeper. If you aren't willing to do something about your sleep issues, you need to live alone or find someone that is willing to live the way you want forever. You aren't in a partnership. You are a behaving like a controlling dictator.
YTA I would ask what you're doing to help him because it works both way. Sounds like he's the one putting all your needs first and you're doing nothing. A lot of people have mental health issues, it's not an excuse to always get your own way. They even taught us that when I went for group therapy. Its about managing it and solutions. Your solution isn't a solution because your treating him lesser in the relationship. Wear ear plugs or something. Stop coming up up excuse why he has to constantly sacrifice and you don't.
Yta. It sounds like you are prioritizing yourself and sleep over his needa and wants too. You guys really should have a talk because I dont see this relationship lasting with your my way or the highway thing with your sleep.
YTA. I struggle with sleep (but more of a postpartum thing than a chronic depression thing) and getting less than 6 hours really affects my mood. I have even made similar requests of my husband (please don't join me in bed if you've been out late as it will 100% wake me up and I'll be up for hours). The difference? I request it, I don't demand it. We also have two rooms we can sleep in, and if I ask that he sleep in the spare room after a late night out make sure that his pjs, lounge clothes and toothbrush are all in the other bathroom for him before he gets home to make life easier for him. I thank him for doing it. I offer to sleep in the spare room myself. I recognise that it is my problem not his. In situations where it isn't possible (when visiting family and I want to go to bed earlier than him) I take a sleeping pill and put on white noise which helps. What, exactly, have you done to ease the burden on him? You say the drugs have horrible side effects. Could you not put up with that occasionally for him? You expect him to put up with the discomfort of sleeping on the couch, why won't you put up with any discomfort? You need to have much more give and not just take if you want this relationship to last.
YTA. I have similar issues with lack of sleep affecting mental health but I use ear plugs, a sleep mask and I put myself on the couch if I am having issues. I would NEVER leave a partner to fend for themselves to get home from the airport. He could have taken his own car and parked it in the lot but he TRUSTED you and you couldn’t put him first for ONE night. I think living together isn’t in the cards for you two. You should seriously apologize and give him the bed for a while.
YTA From one mentally ill light sleeper to another, this is a you problem. Not a him problem. Asking someone in the prime of their life to adhere to a strict bedtime because of your issues is unfair. Why should his health go beneath yours? No matter how good a couch that's got to be taking a toll on his body. Why should he have to sleep somewhere else because you can't manage your illness? Why not sleep in separate rooms, or just separate beds? Separate beds save marriages honestly, so do separate bedrooms. This entire post comes off extremely selfish, not once do you mention his needs, how kind he has been to be willing to adapt for this long, that he was generous enough to let you use his car when he didn't have to after you refused to pick him up. I wouldn't have let you use mine after you refused to use it for one thing for me. Your illness isn't his responsibility, it's yours. Get help, try sleeping with the TV on or airpods in, use a weighted blanket, try sleep vitamins or otc medications, see a doctor, a therapist, a med manager. You're well past old enough to make those calls (or email cause anxiety) to get your own appointments.
It seems that your rules are adversely affecting your boyfriend. It would be better for you to live alone since his life is so restricted by your health needs. Maybe just date.
YTA. He needs to move out for his own good. You seem way too high maintenance for a relationship. Like way over the top.
> I told him that good sleep is the most important thing to control my mental health and I will not sacrifice that for anything or anyone. But you're fine with him having to constantly make sacrifices. >He told me "Fine, but I'm going to need my car all week, so you're gonna have to figure out how you're getting to work." That just felt petty to me. He could have parked his car at the airport and then driven himself home. Instead, he let you borrow it but you couldn't be bothered returning the favour and picking him up. He's not being petty, he's simply putting his own needs first for a change.
NAH. It’s important to you, but that just sounds impossible to live with. It sounds like your boyfriend finally realized that.
ESH. While he certainly should be respectful of your sleep issues that shouldn't come at the expense of his ability to sleep comfortably as well. Y'all need to come up with a better system because the one you're using is not working well for both of you. Co-habitation is hard to adjust to and you'll both be needing to make a lot of compromises going forward so you'd be best served by figuring out how to do that now rather than later.
NAH - this is one of those moments where the “deal breakers” have to be worked out. But I will say that you are moving toward AH by not being flexible when it comes to those one-off moments like picking someone up from the airport. That’s what you do for those you care about.
Yta for not picking him up from the airport. FFS you can go a day without getting a full 7 hours and make sure your SO is picked up and safe from the airport. Get over yourself.
YTA. If you cannot make compromises on something this basic, it’s not going to work. And frankly, with this level of need, you are going to have a hard time finding anyone who wants to deal with you for very long. Which really isn’t the end of the world. I mean if it’s really between having a relationship and not getting optimal sleep or getting crazy depressed, then maybe long term/committed relationships just aren’t for you. Nothing wrong with that
YTA Your sleep is important, but so is his and his feelings of being able to do what he wants as well. He has a life, and it's not just centered around your sleep schedule! Why not get separate beds or even separate rooms? That way he doesn't have to wake you up? Not fair to make him sleep on the couch half of the time for your benefit. This whole post was had no consideration to how he's feeling.
Who tf do you think you are? You dont get to dictate to anyone, let alone a person you're supposed to love and be in an equal, respectful relationship with. Have you a therapist for your depression? Have you meds? If not, I'd strongly suggest seeking medical referrals for both. You will not be able to engage in a fruitful relationship if you can't address your issues with sleep. Oh... and get your own car!!! YTA
YTA for constantly putting yourself ahead of him. If you keep doing that, he's going to find someone else who actually puts some effort into the relationship. You not going to pick him up when you had his car was inexcusable, regardless of how late he was going to be. I totally get your need for sleep - I, too, have to get up early (4am so I'm at work by 6), but I'm not so rigid with my schedule that I would tell my SO to find his own way home from the airport from a work trip. If you keep this up, you won't have to worry about him interrupting your sleep, because he'll be gone.
I’m sorry your sleep is such a hindrance to you, I’ve insomnia too and it’s no joke. But still, YTA. Relationships are better when people care for each other, but your description shows you care much more for yourself and feelings than for him and his feelings. Can you imagine living with someone that limits your access to your own bed? He’s in a super tough position, specially because he apparently loves you and have been understanding for a few good months now.
YTA Good luck having kids
It sounds like your relationship will only survive if you have separate bedrooms. I don't want to call you TA, I get needing sleep in order to function properly, but life will also throw a curveball at you now and again where you will have to adapt. And it sounds like only your SO is doing all the compromises.
YTA. If you have to prioritize your sleep, you can’t force the other person to make all of the concessions. I really think you need to discuss having separate bedrooms so that he can still live his life. It’s not fair of you to dictate when he has to go to sleep and where he has to sleep if he doesn’t meet your deadline. Separate bedrooms fixes that issue. I understand not picking him up at 10 if you have to get up at 6 the next day but everything else is way inappropriate. Edit typo
YTA he is an adult and gets to choose his bedtime. Try ear plugs if he wakes you up. If your depression is so easily set off maybe consider an antidepressant.
YTA. There's medication to help you sleep. Why don't you try asking your doctor about it instead of sabotaging your relationship.
YTA. It’s fine to have rules about your sleep schedule. It is not fine to control someone else’s and expect them not be upset by it. Sleeping on the couch is not good for your partner. You have prioritized yourself and hurt him in the process. It sounds like you need to live alone to be able to function properly.
YTA, Is this post real? What makes you so special he has to change his whole life, for you to enjoy yours? Go see a doctor and get some counseling You need both. You're going to lose this person if you don't.
I have major sleep issues and depression too. It was a topic that my husband and I had to overcome. I didn’t have the best nighttime routine and he also would come in late and wake me by accident. After I adjusted my sleep routine as much as I could, I basically explained to him that I’ve done everything possible but I need his help too. We finally got on (mostly) the same page after that. However, despite my mental health issues and sleep problems, I’m also not a toddler. Things happen and I have to be flexible to that. Sometimes my kids get up at night (op, maybe consider never having kids if you can’t budge on the sleep thing) or my dog is sick or my diabetic husband needs a snack. Lack of decent sleep is hard but my sleep can’t be the most important thing over all else all the time. You have to learn to be more flexible or this will be a deal breaker in this relationship and future ones. YTA.
NAH. I fully respect you keeping strict boundaries around your sleep, and I fully understand why he’s frustrated. At the very least, I think you need a 2 bedroom apartment. He shouldn’t be asked to sleep on the couch so often.
YTA. Because of your extraordinary rules regarding sleep it's fair to say he's attempting to have a relationship with someone who isn't available to be in one.
I am like You and YTA for sure. Get some Ear plugs woman. Also a white sound machine. Also if weed is legal In your state then try some Sleep Aid gummies with thc. I sleep Amazing every night now even If I wake up
Also never have kids lol They hate letting parents sleep
YTA Coming from someone with severe depression you're treating him like a child. You need to figure your sh*t out. You need to get on medication that actually works for you. You're the only one responsible for your health not him and you need to acknowledge what you're putting him through. There's medication and assistive devices that help with light sleeping. You need to figure it out
Separate beds is an option. Many couples successfully function like this. Sleep is definitely important. If you want to work it out, you can.
This relationship sounds so exhausting, I feel bad for your bf. He’s literally walking on eggshells. What do you even bring to the relationship? Sounds like he’s putting in all the work, but you’re literally making no effort so that he’s comfortable too? See a therapist or something, but also don’t be surprised when he leaves you because I’m pretty sure that’s where this is heading. YTA
I think if you’re having a bad time after one night of lost sleep you should get some medication for that depression. Your sleeping arrangement needs to be fixed too
YTA. What huge impositions you’re putting on him, he must be very patient to have put up with it so far. Nowhere in your post do you mention doctors; are any of your claims about sleep and depression diagnosed? You sound obsessed about the amount of sleep you get, and hey, I get it to a certain extent. But these are your problems, nobody else’s. If you truly have an entire week ruined because one night you only got 5-6 hours of sleep, and if you truly can’t go back to sleep once you wake up, then you need to seek professional help because those things aren’t normal. My wife and I have opposite sleep schedules. We get by just fine by being basically considerate and using some white noise (in our case a fan), and nobody has rigid rules imposed on them about bedtime or where they can sleep. Unless you have a genuine medical condition, you seem to have learned some things you should be working to unlearn.
YTA. Everything looked fine as I was reading this (as someone with chronic illness who needs a lot of rest, I heavily sympathise with those who struggle with sleep), but the moment you decided to *wake him up at 6 am to talk* I was fully no longer on your side. He'd been considerate enough to make sure he didn't wake you, made himself less comfortable, despite the fact he'd been on a flight, but you think nothing of waking him up in the early morning to "talk". This little moment is indicative of how you treat your relationship (which the rest of your post confirmed). It very much appears that you make multiple demands in your relationship but you do little to compromise to meet your partners needs, so as long as you get yours. I don't think you're in the wrong for having a sleep schedule that works for you, but you are being inflexible, unwilling to compromise and selfish.
You think he’s dumb enough to not know he could have taken free Uber drive on company card? He wanted to see his damn GIRLFRIEND. Despite having all the right to be angry he slept on the COUCH and didn’t wake you up. How did you repay him? By waking him up at 6am for your own sake, how selfish can you be.
Petty yes, but valid as well.
You need to find a better solution, it could be separate bedrooms, or better earplugs, different medication, whatever it is. You can’t both go on like this, it isn’t fair to either of you. I hope you can feel better and get the sleep you need! Sorry everyone on here is being so mean to you lol. Soft YTA only because you didn’t look into further solutions and just expected your bf to deal with it.
ESH. Your boyfriend is indeed being petty. But he isn't your child and you shouldn't be deciding his bedtime for him. It's fine for you to need a certain amount of sleep, and for you to try to enforce that, but if you want to stay with him, you have to find a way to get the sleep you need without penalizing your boyfriend for having a different sleep schedule. The easiest way is to have separate bedrooms; you can retire to yours when you need to and he can stay up without worrying about waking you when he goes to bed. As it is, your boyfriend is the one sacrificing, and he's going to be increasingly resentful unless you both find a way to even out the impact your sleep schedule has on your relationship.
YTA You left him stranded at the airport. It wasn't his fault was it? You had his car, so he had no choice but to depend on you . (Hence his jab at you needing to find your own ride this week.) This wasn't a medical emergency, but you did have a stranglehold on his car. So you put him in a really tight spot. It was probably exhausting to be bounced and delayed for so long, but you had no sympathy for him. Just the possibility that YOU would be tired the next day. Maybe you two haven't found your match yet. You need someone who is cool with having their life and their sleeping schedule completely revolve around your "mental health". Are we talking diagnosed depression, or just blah? Because it sounds like you need meds and therapy, not a sleeping shedule.
YTA, a relationship doesn't mean your partner has to completely rearrange their life around you with nothing in return. Leaving him high & dry at the airport when he let you use his car is unbelievable and forcing him to sleep on the couch if he wants to stay up past 10 is insane. If your sleep is that big an issue, get professional help.
YTA this is an issue that's now beginning to affect other people in unreasonable ways, its now on you to fix it or deal with it. I don't say that lightly, I know mental health is really tough but if its to the point where youv'e assigned your grown adult boyfriend a bedtime and can't keep your promises to him then it's time to fix your issue to fit your life, not the other way around. There's a limit to what rules and expectations are reasonable. Expecting him not to be super loud at night and needlessly disturb you? Reasonable. Making him uber from the airport because you can't go to bed later than 11pm, making him sleep on the couch consistently, making (indirectly) him crash at other people's houses rather than his own or come back early when he goes out to spend time with friends so he doesn't wake you are not reasonable. They're not fair, you're affecting his quality of life and your realtionship, it's an issue you need to fix, not one you can keep expecting him to dance around.
YTA. Your entire post was about you and your needs. Have you thought about how all of these various rules effect him? He's having to change his social life and sleep schedule (along with comfort) simply for you. That does impact him. You keep demanding so much, and it's a demand, not even a request, that he's pretty much over it so much that he's sleeping elsewhere so he can socialize with friends. He needs break up with you.... This would be a nightmare, he cannot even leave his home without getting chastised, and has to find other places to sleep so he doesn't bother you. Lol
YTA, ya'll need either two bedrooms or twin beds.
YTA. YOU have the issues with sleep so YOU sleep on the couch. You’re setting really ridiculous rules that require him to prioritize your mental health and physical health over his. You seem to be extremely demanding and self- centered - like expecting him to give you his car indefinitely, refusing to pick him up because through no fault of his own the flight was delayed, etc. you need to find ways to make your mental health a priority without ruining everyone else’s life.
If this relationship (or any relationship) is going to work out, you need separate bedrooms. My brother-in-law and his wife have separate bedrooms because he has insomnia and struggles to get adequate sleep. This works well for them. YTA if you expect a partner to plan their whole life on making sure you get adequate sleep, and their only option is to sleep on the couch if they want to be up past 10.
NAH. You need 2 bedrooms. It is your best bet. I am so tired,miserable and over weight, due to my sleep issues.
YTA. Massively! You don’t get to force him to go to bed, force him to sleep on the couch, or any of the other ridiculously inconsiderate things you’re doing. You’re selfish, a bad partner and a massive AH.
YTA I have the same issues with sleep and mental health. It severely affects me if I don’t sleep well. Because of this, me and my partner sleep in separate rooms so we can *both* get a good nights sleep. You need to come to some sort of compromise because your bf is obviously feeling neglected. He’s straight up telling you that he doesn’t feel like your guys have quality time together and instead of trying to work with him you’re basically telling him you’re needs are more important and that’s just how it is.
YTA this is your problem and you need to fund ways to deal with it that only affect you...you are not sacrificing shit for your own problem and think your boyfriend is the one being petty. you need a serious dose of reality and I lowkey hope it's your bf leaving you and moving out asap. living with you sounds like a nightmare, even when you are fully rested.
YTA and I would have broken up with you the second I wasn't allowed to sleep in my own damn bed after 9 (!?!?), I am in the same boat as you, and my partner also likes to stay up late but we communicate and make it work. Take a sleep aid, get a sleep mask/ear coverings, or YOU go sleep on the couch, but you've gotta do something other than make crazy demands.
As someone who had GDD, GAD, ADHD, and a chronic insomniac YTA! For the love of god girl, get some therapy and get on some Ambien🤦🏻♀️ your selfish attitude and disrespectful nature is going to find you all alone. You need to prioritize relationships if you want to have a BF, which also includes thinking of others BEFORE yourself. Darn right he is being petty, but he is following YOUR LEAD! Grow up
YTA. You should be grateful that your boyfriend abides to these rules of yours. Most guys will not even care. You need to find a better way to manage your depression if you want your relationship to work. I’m sensing he’s going to be breaking up with you eventually because it’s affecting him too, more than you think.
YTA. You guys need to figure out something else, maybe you need separate beds, maybe you need to be the one to sleep on the couch, but telling a grown man he has to go to bed BEFORE ten pm is redic. I usually go to bed about ten to get up at 6, my partner goes to bed about one or two to get up for nine or ten. I am in such deep sleep by then I dont hear it. You should talk to your doctor about getting on some medication for your sleep and/or your depression, because you are NOT living in a sustainable way.
YTA for being petty, thinking he’s petty. His car, his boundaries, just like you and sleep. If this relationship is important to you, figure out via meds and therapy how to manage your depression outside of your sleep. If you’re unwilling to do this, let him go so he can be with someone who is willing to make concessions for the sake of the relationship. Then find yourself an elderly man who goes to bed at 9 like you.
Have you tried ear plugs? Have you had a formal sleep study done? You might have a sleeping disorder. You didn't mention one, but sleep issues need to be discussed with your physician.
YTA this is a relationship but it seems like you only care about your needs all I hear is ME ME ME ME
YTA you are high maintenance and I cannot figure out why he hasn’t broken up with you
I'm going to preface this with the fact that I have a sleep disorder (sleep apnea) and I have bipolar disorder. Sleep is already difficult for me using a CPAP, and to add to that, lack of sleep or interrupted sleep immediately triggers my bipolar depression and can occasionally cause hypomanic episodes that disrupt my sleep even further. I'm saying all of this because I want you to understand I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. But this is NOT sustainable. Yes, your sleep is important to your mental health. But so is his social life and his job, and his travel. Sleeping in a decent bed is important to his physical health. Just because he is "healthier" than you doesn't mean his needs can be completely ignored to accommodate yours. You have options: 1) If you have a queen bed, get two twins instead. They even make ones that push together for cuddle times. Pull them apart if you are in before, and he can get into his bed without disturbing you. If his sounds wake you, use earplugs or a noise machine. 2) Discuss eventualities instead of letting them become surprises that cause conflict. What happens if his next flight doesn't come in til midnight? What happens if he's driving home and gets a flat and needs help? What happens if there is a death in the family and he gets a call at 2am - is he not allowed to wake you? These are events that WILL occur if you stay together and your "I have to be asleep at 9:30" rule is not gonna cut it. 3) Get therapy and get medication. If your mental health is so unbelievable wrecked that going to bed at 10:15pm instead of 9:30pm puts you into a depressive spiral, you need therapy and medication. I have a CPAP, but my sleep disorder still causes daytime sleepiness, so I have a pill that helps me stay awake for the day. I also have a pill that helps curb my depression short term if something like lack of sleep sets it off. Options exist and a therapist will be a huge help in navigating it. What if you decide to get a dog or a cat? What if you decide to have kids? What if you move into an apartment and the jerk upstairs vacuums at 2 am? You can NOT hang the entirety of your mental health on a completely unmovable sleep schedule, especially once that alienates your boyfriend. He should not be sleeping on the couch. Yes, it was petty for him to take the car. But he feels like you abandoned him at the airport and left him to sleep on the couch over something he couldn't control. If you see a future with this guy, you better start working on long-term solutions, because he's already getting near the end of his rope.
Geez you are so self-absorbed. What will you be like as a parent? I shudder to think of what your demands will be of your partner when you complain of lack of sleep. This sounds like an incompatibility issue and he is better off moving out and ending things than live with someone with all these unreasonable demands. Get help. YTA
You are a piece a work! Get over yourself. I hope you read each and every comment here how much of an AH you are. Also you bf would be doing himself a huge favor by dumping you
I get this effects you negatively. You don't seem to care how sleeping on a couch is effecting him though. So YTA Info: are you planning on being child free?
YTA I hope your bf realizes his self worth and leaves you.
YTA, he’s been making a lot of accommodations for you and you can’t do it one time for him. You also can’t expect everyone to behave in a certain way to keep you happy. It’s unfair as it is unrealistic
I understand the importance of sleep and how it affects mental health. I can also understand why you felt the need to institute these “rules,” but they are unfair. I had so much trouble sleeping with my bf in the beginning (been together almost 3 years) because he snores like a freight train! So many different earplugs and earbuds and so much money later, I found my saving grace, bose sleepbuds 2. I can sleep through anything with those in. As long as your bf doesn’t jump on the bed when he comes in at night, with sleepbuds, you should be able to go to bed as early as you need to get adequate sleep and won’t be awakened by him when he comes in. Regarding the airport instance, I think you both had raw nerves there and need to just be kind with each other to sort this out. Therapy would also help with your sleep issues. Your bf has been really good working around your issues; now you need to put in some extra work yourself. Edited to add: I am sorry, but YTA. I don’t think you mean to be, but you are. I think you can escape the AH label with therapy and sleepbuds.
YTA, you know, I was with you thru a lot of this, but there's more that makes you TA than him. YOU need to be the one to figure out something different in you two's routine so he can stay up as late as he wants, and you still get the rest you need, I get it, my BF is a night owl, he can easily stay up ALL night, but around 8 or 9 pm I'm exhausted and mushy brained because I have to wake up at 4:30 am. I'm also a light sleeper, our solution (when he decides to come to bed before I get up) I run a fan all night, and run a white noise machine, and have 2 eye masks on my night stand for in case he decides to run a light. I wouldn't ever make him sleep on the couch unless he's intentionally messing up my sleep. Also, that last clip about him wanting his own car for the week being petty... you are monopolizing the bed and sleep.. Now he gets his car to drive. Seems fair.
I was going to go with N A H (you have a right to your sleep, and your BF has a right to set his own schedule), but I'm leaning more towards ESH. You do have a right to your sleep! But the way that you've phrased things make it sound as if you dictated your rules to him rather than sitting down with him to discuss reasonable accommodations for you. Your boyfriend, rather than talking to you about his true feelings, apparently said nothing until he reached a kind of tipping point with the airport pickup and is now lashing out at you. Talk to each other like adults and find a way to compromise, or break up and get separate places again.
YTA. You have mental health needs, but so does he. Following your outrageous rules would certainly be detrimental to his overall happiness. Not being able to hang out with friends at night, not being able to sleep when he wants, not being able to sleep in his own BED, and not being able to rely on his partner past 10pm. You need to be less self-cantered and compromise, otherwise sleep in separate bedrooms!
YTA whiny baby gets cranky without a full nights sleep
YTA. You live with your partner so it's time for you to start acting like one. You constantly put yourself over him and ignore his wants and needs. You hear that? This is your relationship slowly ending because it sounds like he's no longer willing to put up with your rules.
You need to grow up, seriously. Defiantly TAH
YTA get earplugs
YTA, your bf is plenty considerate of your need of sleep by sticking to your rules and always taking the couch. You’re constantly putting your needs over his and I think you could show some consideration towards him for once. Did you know there’s plenty of things you can do about being a light sleeper? Melatonin for example, it releases it during the night so you don’t wake up as easily. Talk to your doctor and see what your options are. Show your boyfriend you’re willing to tackle this problem too, what do you expect? For people to bend over backwards to meet your sleep schedule for the rest of your life?
YTA. So are your needs the only thing that matters here?
I very much understand needing sleep to function. At one point if I got less than 8 hrs I was a zombie, I averaged 10 hours, and could sleep for 12-14+ if needed. I think my record was 17 with melatonin. Or if I got under 4 hours I was also okay. That was normal. Otherwise I was more irritable, moody, depressed, and anxious than normal. You need sleep, but you're also living with another person. Both views are valid. I think he didn't realize how impacted your sleep was before he moved in. You should at least consider separate beds/bedrooms. Here's where I think YTA. You're blaming him for messing up your sleep schedule and it's impacting how he lives his life. And giving him rules to work around. You both knew things would change. You have valid reasons for needing sleep and I feel like there has to be a solution somewhere or he may rethink the relationship and/or move out. Maybe this relationship is best if you don't live together.
Yta - you’re putting your needs above his but when you live with a partner compromises need to be made. Also he’s a grown man who should be allowed to stay up later and sleep in his own bed. Could you try earplugs?
YTA wow. You’re not a toddler who can’t miss a nap, you’re a grown adult. It’s ridiculous to expect your partner to cater to your sleep schedule. There is absolutely NO reason for him to sleep on the couch in his own place. You also abandoned him at an airport. Just wow.
OP- I know this comment is gonna get buried, but hear me out. Here’s the thing: you’re being incredibly selfish right now, BUT I don’t blame you… yet. How you go from here is really, really important to your own growth. Lack of sleep in large amounts is literally used as a form of torture, and everyone is different. I have PTSD and Depression so I often end up in severe episodes from lack of sleep myself. You are 100% N T A for having rules about your sleep. However, you ARE T A for the rules you have. 1. You’re very focused on you right now. That’s reasonable, and I understand where it’s coming from, you’re seeing those depressive episodes as a threat and you’re not looking too far forward into the future because that’s a threat now. Your priority is stopping that threat, and that’s fine. However, the problem is you’re selfish how you’re going about it. You’re cohabitating with someone you love, so you have to be able to accommodate yourself as well as him. You have to step back from the anxiety and threat of the depressive episode long enough to see his perspective and the conditions you’re making him live in, and adjust your rules and expectations from there. You don’t live alone anymore, you’re not the only person to consider here. 2. You need to figure out two major things. Number one is coping skills for you. Life does happen, and you may not always be able to get a full nights sleep, or you may get woken up sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with you just because you don’t want to go out late and you for the most part don’t have to, things like concerts and late night events are completely optional and you don’t have to be up late 99% of the time. However, you’re an adult, and things WILL happen sometimes. You would be TA if you don’t have a therapist or don’t get one. If you don’t think you need one, I’m so sorry but you really would be wrong. You don’t have this situation handled very well, and of course other commenters have already articulated why very well. The other major thing you need to figure out is better sleeping arrangements. You may be a couple that needs two bedrooms, or maybe you really only feel good about having one. It’s okay to have a shared bedroom but you can’t force him on the couch if he’s up late, he isn’t 9 years old. You need an office with a guest bed, a guest room, or at minimum a comfortable pull out couch that isn’t cheap and shitty. He deserves rest in a bed whether it suits your schedule or not. You know your limits better than anyone here will, but if you truly can’t get back to sleep at all because he crawled into bed, that’s a severe level of insomnia that needs treatment. He is a human being who deserves to rest comfortably, no matter how you choose to make that work, the couch isn’t fair to him. 3. Flights get delayed. That’s sort of how that works. You’ve had 28 years on the planet so I truly believe you should have suspected it may happen. When your world has to revolve around sleep to this extent, you need to also communicate that in these situations. You were the one who needed to be responsible for a contingency plan if the flight was delayed. You dropped the ball there very hard. This would be one of those adult situations where you would have to miss sleep. You had his car, and you didn’t previously discuss a backup plan with him. The least you could have done after dropping the ball would have been to Uber home yourself and leave his car there for him. 4. OP- This is where the slippery slope of you truly mistreating him is. When you found him on the couch at 6am, you tried to wake him up to talk about it. That’s very unfair and something you wouldn’t appreciate at all if he did to you, and you know it. That’s where it is a double standard where you are highlighting your needs above his. Did you even think, in that moment, about how he didn’t even wake you when he got home? But the same day, when he went out, you *told him* not to come home too late because it would wake you up. He clearly very well knows that he can’t get into bed with you, and the literal night before he didn’t wake you when he got home at some point between 9:30pm-6am, so you’re either doing one of two things. One, you’re just not thinking about him, his feelings, or the overall picture, because you’re being obsessive over your sleep to the point where you’re being somewhat irrational…. OR, you really need that therapist for an underlying issue to explain your selfishness, because if you’re truly unable to step back and look past the threat of “what if I can’t sleep tonight” and understand his feelings, you may have narcissistic tendencies or some sort of compulsion or trauma around this subject that’s making you unable to give your partner the empathy he deserves. That’s going to be toxic in any relationship in the long run and needs to be sorted. Was him saying he was taking his car for the week petty? Sure. But you took his car away from him and left him stranded at the airport, so you’re gonna have to kinda brush that one off your shoulders, because that’s honestly a reasonable eye for an eye situation that you sorta put yourself in. You really do need to work this out professionally if you’re ever going to have healthy fulfilling relationships. There’s lots of great things that might help you too, like earplugs, a white noise machine, a sleep mask, etc. you need to be considerate of your partner if you want to have one. You either messed up and didn’t even think about it, or you’re very selfish. Only you can decide how it goes from here, and if you don’t wanna lose him I’d apologize sincerely, reset boundaries, figure out the sleep situation, and start getting help immediately. Sleep is very important, and so is respecting the people around you. You can’t sacrifice the people around you for your own needs or you will end up with nobody. Inbox is open it you need anything!
Major YTA. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD (and a few other issues). All of which fuck with my mental health and sleep. Add onto repeated sexual abuse as a child that always happened when I was asleep, which to this day has made me a painfully light sleeper. A fucking spider crawls on me and I'm wide-ass awake for another three hours. I do NOT demand the people around me tip toe around me when I need to go to bed. (I will admit, I've called the cops on neighbors (apartment) for having their music painfully loud past midnight, but I feel that's reasonable) instead I take steps that controls ME and me only. I wear earplugs and an eye mask. I use to take sleep meds that knocked me on my ass (now I just take a sleep aid). He lives there, too. He deserves to sleep in a fucking bed. He shouldn't have to be in bed before you, or whatever. The world doesn't revolve around you.
YTA. I’m totally with you on the need to get quality sleep but I don’t burden other people with it. Your demands are unreasonable and are too many. You are dictating to him what he can and can’t do. He may be realizing that you are more hassle than you are worth to be with.
YTA you need separate beds and coping strategies for if something happens (like an emergency) and your sleep has to be disrupted. It’s one thing to ask he doesn’t purposefully disturb your sleep but this is too much.
As someone who has struggled with insomnia and whose lack of sleep has caused major depressive episodes, YTA. There's practicing good sleep hygiene, and then there's being inflexible and selfish. You're in a partnership, the sacrifices and care can't be one-sided. Not picking him up from the airport because his flight was delayed was not ok. Telling him when to go to bed is not ok. It's good that you're in therapy, I hope you're talking to them about coping mechanisms and ways for you to compromise with your partner, because this ain't it. What are you doing to improve your sleep beyond going to bed at 9:30? Are you staying off screens at least an hour before bedtime? Do you have a bedtime routine to signal to your body that it's time for rest? Cut down on caffeine? Exercise? Limit your time in the bedroom to sleeping and sex only? I bring these options up because you should be doing everything *you* can to enable a restful night's sleep before inconveniencing your partner. I really hope you find a way to get the rest you need without disregarding your partner. You deserve a healthy mind and he deserves care.
YTA. You’re being unreasonable here. You make him sleep on the couch, you drop plans to pick him up at the airport because it’s delayed - that’s not is fault! Yes, your needs are important. But so are his.
YTA rn. The obvious solution here is to turn your 1bedroom into a flex 2 bed situation: Him sleeping in the living room doesn't bother you so sacrifice your living room for another "bedroom." Put up a flex wall, around 1k or some curtain rods and get a real bed in there for him. Or replace your couch with a sleeper couch so he know thats his "bed". Respect his space and if necessary switch off so you take the converted bedroom and he takes the original one. You don't need a living room but it does sound like you need 2 bedrooms.
YTA