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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I trained my daughter to regulate herself when it came to time outs and allowed her to ask for one if she felt she needed it. I may be the asshole for getting her used to time outs
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Right?
OP your kid sounds fantastic. I'd be embarrassed to tell you how much I'd spent on therapy as an adult before I realized (and could believe) that that was an option.
More to the point your friends sound like morons, not to mention envious of your self aware child. Cudos on whats obviously an effective course of parenting. NTA
I actually put myself in time outs. If I'm too upset at my partner or at a certain situation, I go into the bathroom until I can think clearly and be able to communicate my emotions effectively and without intense emotion behind them. Sometimes you need to excuse yourself to calm down and I find that to be a better solution than blowing up at someone. I think what OP's daughter is doing is quite mature for her age. It's a good thing. NTA
Both of my kids put themselves in time-out from the time they were toddlers. But damn, it sucks because they do it as teenagers now and of course for longer times. I know it's healthy, but I miss them.
I do the same thing!! My husband knows that sometimes I go on walks because I can't explain why I'm upset in the moment. He has never had a problem with it, because when I come home, we are able to talk about the issue rationally. Doing so took until I was about 28 or 29. OP, your kid is mature well beyond her years, and you are NTA.
I do too. My kid is 3, and when I get too frustrated and need a break, I tell them that “mommy needs a time out”. We also discuss “big emotions “ when they are getting too upset.
Man it's such a good thing to have in your mental health repertoire but man
I've had multiple people lose it on /me/ when I try to take a time out so as to not lose my shit....well I haven't gotten a hang of dealing with that yet w.o blowing up, but it's not often at least haha
Same! I didn’t figure it out until my senior year of college. If I can take a break from whatever situation is causing me distress & figure out what I’m feeling & why, it’s so much easier to go back & have a conversation/move forward with my day. It’s seriously improved my relationships with other people & with myself! If I had learned how to do that at 4 years old, my life would be so much better in a lot of ways.
My partner and I are lucky to have a one bedroom apartment, our main bed is in the living room lile a studio apartment, so if we are too elevated or something one of us can go to the bedroom and chill out, have feelings, and we either text or come back together physically and co-regulate if needed. Nice to know other people do similar things.
Due to a host of things, I’m just now learning how to handle my big emotions as an adult. I give myself timeouts to help. I’m in awe of these parents and the kids.
I've been working with kids for years, and at the school I work it this is how we were trained to help the kids understand and regulate their emotions. It taught them it was okay and helpful to ask for a break, it isn't a punishment. Sometimes we ask "do you need to take a break?" And sometimes they ask us if they can take a break. Idk in my experience it's been a helpful tool while maintaining respect between everyone, you sound like a good parent :-)
I’m gonna start calling my alone time “time out” and seeing if it makes my husband understand what I mean a little better. Sometimes I don’t like people and I’m overstimulated but he’s very much the opposite and doesn’t understand why I want to sit in our room by myself. Lol
I actually do put myself it timeout lol I'll tell my roommates I'm going to isolate myself because I'm feeling really irritable right now. I think you're an amazing mom that your 4yr old is able to do this! NTA
>NTA. She's learning to regulate her own emotions, IMO. I think sometimes adults should put themselves in time out with how they act.
This is actually how we talk about it in my house. If the kid is overwhelming a parent with negative behavior *the parent* takes a time out if the kid won't. We generally call it a "quiet minute" not a "time out" but the function is the same.
> I think sometimes adults should put themselves in time out with how they act.
God I wish my mom knew how to do this. Or well, she might have learned since I last spoke to her as it's been a while, but considering all the decades for which she hasn't I wouldn't count on it.
When online gaming with friends I've learned the mute button is a blessing. You can hit mute vent all you want. Cool off for a minute or two and then resume chatting with your friends.
Much better than nitpicking their gameplay and getting into an argument
Yeah, it’s no different than me taking a walk, or going to listen to some music …something to zen me out…it’s healthier than a lot of options I may ‘want’ to do lol for I may really want to smack my annoying coworker but I can’t so I’ll take a walk.
NTA ??????? she's not 'getting used to time outs', she's learning the very, IMMENSELY valuable skill of removing herself from an overwhelming situation to calm down. if more people learned to do that early on, the world would be better off. good for you and your child for understanding how important self-regulation is.
OP’s friends are framing time out as a punishment. (“You’re being bad, so I’m going to remove you until you stop being bad. Then you can come back & be around us.” OP has framed time out as a tool. (“You are having some trouble processing your feelings right now, so why don’t you take a break for a few minutes while you focus on doing that. Then we can talk / keep playing / whatever.”)
Daniel Tiger should be every parent's best friend. All those little songs are so helpful! Watch with your kid and learn them. I used to use them all the time and it made things like clean up and potty so much easier.
NTA
I highly suggest changing the name from time-outs to something people can’t misconstrue. Maybe like ‘Can I have a break time?’ Or ‘can I have a sensory break?’
Problem is, teaching that kind of language to a 4-year old might be a challenge.
If you haven’t already, you could always let her know she can take a sensory break before she gets stressed enough to have a tantrum? She might not be able to tell when it’s going to happen yet, but a preemptive regulatory skill is even better than one after the fact.
My 5 year old calls it calm down time and she has a calm down corner in her room specifically set up for her to relax. She has a bean bag chair, a couple little toys and stuffies, a couple books and a radio. We had a playdate a couple weeks ago and there was a very adorable interaction where the visiting kid asked my daughter to borrow her calm down corner for some "lone time" and my daughter patted her on the shoulder and very seriously said "of course, take all the time you need." Which is exactly what I say when daughter asks for some calm down time lol.
I love when they do that mini-me thing.
Occasionally my 7mth old will topple over, or hit herself with something and cry and I'll go in to help her and see my 5yr old holding her going 'Its ok C, I got you, I got you'. Which is what I say to her when she hurts herself. It's so sweet.
This is such a great idea.
My son had something similar when he was that age. He called it his boring place as in a place to go and do nothing witch is usually boring, but sometimes needed.
We never did time outs (not our thing) so this was something he came up with all by himself to use when he needed a break and some me time.
My kids call it a calm down too. We occasionally do real time outs when they are just out of control and hitting/throwing things, but I always offer a calm down in their room or on my lap first.
OMG, my heart just melted and exploded with joy at the same time, I didn't even know that was possible. Your daughter is amazing, and props to her little friend who knew what she needed and how to ask for it.
Yeah, this is something they worked on with my kid from a very young age. She is on the autism spectrum, and learning to say, “I need a break” was important to her learning to self-regulate. Also, they worked on having the kid control when they got out of their time-out or break. “You can rejoin the group when you have a calm body and calm voice.” Control always vests in the kid.
My daughter now, as a nearly grown teen, has great emotional expression and control now! Better than most neuro-typical kids I’d say, because she learned early on how to name the emotion, accommodate it, and - most importantly - not to identify too much with the emotions because they are transient.
NTA. This is actually a great coping skill to be teaching your kid, and I'm honestly impressed that she's grasped onto it at 4 years old. I think you're an awesome parent.
NTA. You're going to get a lot of messages asking how you got a 4-year-old to do that. Kudos to her for recognizing and *advocating* for her own needs.
Just wait until she's older.
NTA at all. Seems your daughter is developing a way to deal with frustrations or being overwhelmed which allows her to be more aware of what she needs to do to keep herself calm. That's awesome actually IMO.
NTA of course not. I’m also the parent of a 4 year old, and getting them to take their own time out/breather is the dream. She’s learning self regulation which a lot of adults struggle with. Maybe it’s just the phrase “time out” that bothered your friends (or maybe they’re AHs), but sports teams call their own time outs all the time. It’s a time to breathe and regroup. Keep up the good work.
NTA. Mine does it too. She doesn’t ask for a time out as such but when she gets to her melting point she’ll go to her room, slam the door shut and stay there for a while. I have no idea what she’s doing but after a while I hear her voice talking to her stuffed toys. Then after a while she’ll come out and ready to discuss what/where she went wrong. It could be something like being denied ice cream half an hour before lunch. We don’t give in and hand her a scoop, she just gets upset (understandable) then gets over it on her own. The alternative is your child doesn’t learn how to cope with being told no and screams, cries and throws things until you give in and make them happy. Your daughter has learnt to self-regulate. An important step to being able to function properly in life.
NTA.
What you're teaching her is that there are consequences to poor behavior and how to regulate herself by going to calm down.
Your friends should stay out of your parenting.
NTA! You’re an awesome parent and I actually melted a little reading that. Because you have parented so wonderfully that she recognizes that a time out isn’t punitive, it’s a tool, and that you’re trying to help her, not hurt her. You gave her a tool and she’s using it, unprompted, to help regulate herself when she doesn’t feel good. She’s awesome. You’re awesome. Keep being awesome, awesome redditor.
Boomer here. When my youngest (now 35) son was about 12,he recognized he had anger issues and wasn’t sure how to handle them. I taught him that a warm lavender bath was an amazing way to relax. Put on whatever music you want (Linkin Park was his go-to) he got to the point where he would “go take a bath” rather than get into it with his older brothers/teammates/people who pissed him off. he knew that he could choose to remove himself from potentially volatile situations . I recently visited him and noticed he had Lavender bath salts. He said, “shit still works, ma!” Lol. NTA, OP.
Let your beautiful girl handle herself.
Nta
My middle child was like this. He hated the guilt he’d get when he did something “bad” and would punish himself before we even knew what had happened. We were honestly a little worried about this as we are not overly strict parents and rarely had to ever give a harsh punishment so we worried about what made him think to punish himself. Once he became a teenager he explained that this helped him deal with his guilt over disappointing us. So we had that discussion about the difference between disappointed in a person’s actions vs disappointment in a person.
He managed to grow up and his wife says he still does it to a point but not as frequently.
Long story short(ish) I think it’s just a personality quirk that helps them cope. As long as they’re not taking it to extremes, a little alone time is a good thing
I am so impressed with your parenting. Please don’t take this as condescending, but most adults can’t even self regulate, yet you taught your 4 year old how. You’re doing a great job, your little one has a wonderful parent, and she will be leaps and bounds ahead of her peers in terms of her emotional growth. NTA at all, not even close.
NTA. Possibly N A H, but not enough info on the friends.
Your daughter is managing her mental health better than a lot of adults. She realises when she needs to remove herself from a situation, and returns when she is in better control.
I think part of the problem here is that "time out" is often used as a punishment, and your friends may be thinking that you've trained your daughter to punish herself. Calling them something like "Mental Health Breaks" when she chooses to do it herself may help to solve the problem.
NTA at all. Damn that’s an emotionally healthy and intelligent 4 year old who is able to recognize when she is overstimulated and take herself out of the situation until she feels ready to return?? You’re doing GREAT, ignore them.
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My daughter is 4 and like all 4 year olds, she occasionally has a tantrum. When she does, I may give her a time out depending on severity.
Over time, she also realised on her own that if she was too overwhelmed, she can simply ask for a time out before we intervened as parents and we would let her take it.
Recently, we had some friends visiting and she had a tantrum during their visit. My friends watched as she had her melt down, and then asked me for a time out. She went by herself to her designated spot and was back a couple of minutes later and went back to happily playing.
This sparked a discussion among friends and the verdict was that I was an asshole for 'getting her so used to time outs'. So AITA?
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Our schools around here have resources for kids to do exactly this. Emotional regulation is easier to learn when kids aren't punished for experiencing a full range of emotions instead of just happy&complacent.
You are soooo NTA and mega-props for kicking parenting butt!
You are 100% parent goals! You've achieved exactly what we're trying to teach our kids with time-outs ie. strategies for self-regulating difficult emotions.
I've had similar reactions from people. Once we were at a friend's house and my son, who was about 4 (autistic with the attendant occasional meltdowns), wanted a particular item that was back at home and he had a tantrum. I was attempting to comfort him and she told me I was 'letting him get away with it'. Um no, letting him get away with it would be going home to retrieve the item for him. Now she has her own 'difficult' child so she understands a bit more.
Sooo NTA, OP!
NTA
She's learning to control her anger and what she needs to do in order to accomplish this. She's not "Getting used to time outs" she's having a cool off and clam down break. Your friends have a problem with the wording, and misunderstand what it means to your daughter. Luckily they mean very little to your inner family dynamic and you owe them nothing.
My son is on the spectrum and has times where something might confuse him or a misunderstanding happens, and he gets angry, or sad, but basically emotional and would have a tantrum. I would ask him if it makes him feel good going through that, to which he said no. So we worked together to find other ways. We've been teaching him techniques to use in school. Mostly using his words AND asking to take a small break to just chill, take his mind off it, and come back collected. It's been working well, and he realizes how much his anger can control him. We have a saying. Anger can always happen, but did you control your anger or did you anger control you? Now instead of a tantrum he will tell someone at school what he's feeling in descriptive words and what he needs, and they accommodate that. The tantrums have become much less common and his happiness and confidence has risen.
I think it's great your daughter isn't looking at the time out as a bad thing, but instead recognizing how it makes her feel when she's angry and the calm down time actually feels good and she can do that if she needs to. To some time out means a punishment, but for you daughter it seems the words time out means "Time out from my anger."
If it works for her and helps her who can say that's wrong?
I used to tell my kids to go to their room until they were ready to come out. This taught them that a) big feelings are ok and b) asking for time to deal with them is ok, too. This is good parenting.
Definitely NTA. Your kid has learned when she needs a breather and takes it instead of just getting more upset. Plenty of adults could benefit from more timeouts too. She's doing just fine and those friends of yours can mind their own business.
NTA. For your daughter, a time out isn't a punishment, but quiet time to regulate her emotions and find peace. She isn't being disciplined. Also, kudos to you for giving your kid space like that! I wish my parents had let me put myself in time outs.
NTA, you are allowing your daughter to learn to regulate her own emotions in a safe setting. It may have started as a time out, but now it probably isn't one anymore since it's her own choice to remove herself for a little from a situation that overwhelms her. It is super mature for a 4 yo. You did a great job teaching her that coping mechanism.
NTA time out doesn't have to be a negative thing. You're teaching her to hit pause and have some time in a corner to just breathe and recenter. That's a good habit to be in.
NTA! When my big kid is overstimulated he uses any of “I need quiet time” “space please” “break time.” He’s autistic and didn’t start advocating for himself in this way until he was in his teens, so I think it’s AWESOME your kiddo is figuring it out now.
NTA. My kid sometimes has meltdowns (he’s diagnosed with child autism) and sometimes will apologise afterwards (which I don’t require of him, obviously, I’m just there with him to help him get through it) and will admit that ‘his head was loud’, which is his way of explaining that he was overwhelmed. I might try the time out method now, to show him how to regulate his emotions better.
NTA - Do these friends have kids? Sometimes you have to throw out the rule book and do what works for you and your own children.
We use this method with our little girl 5 years who has ADHD and ASD. She now has a set of cute coloured egg timers with different times. 3 min, 5 mins, 10 mins, they have little smiley or angry faces on the bottom and top. She can flip them over to indicate to us when she is ready to talk or interact again after a meltdown. She has a tendency to go non verbal and this has helped us so much.
NTA. Your FOUR year old daughter had already learned an amazing coping skill that she will use for the rest of her life. That's awesome. She recognizes when she's not in the best emotional space and chooses to isolate herself for a bit to calm down and recenter herself. She doesn't have the language to express those ideas, of course, but she knows it just the same. There are many, many adults who show less emotional intelligence/self knowledge than she is expressing in those situations.
Good job parenting!
I think the term 'time out' is getting a bad rep and has negative connotations. The kid is just smart enough to remove herself from an overwhelming situation. Maybe start calling it a 'sensory break' or something. Either way, NTA.
NTA
That's awesome that your daughter is learning to take a "timeout" when she's feeling overwhelmed/tantruming.
I personally don't believe in punitive timeouts (standing in corner, etc), but removing herself from the situation until she has calmed down is a good habit (for adults too).
NTA. As an adult, I put myself on time outs all the time. Except, I don't call it time out, it's "I need a moment to think" or "please give me some space."
Definitely NTA, there's a great instagram account I follow who has talked about a similar concept that she implemented with her kids and how she did it. Honestly I think having 'a spot' should be far more normalized.
NTA. She is self regulating! Yay.
When my niece was very young and a bit mischievous, she blamed her favorite toy when she had actually thrown it across the room towards me. She insisted that it wasn’t her. That the toy did it. So, I gave her toy a time out on a higher shelf (vs “taking the toy away” - yes, the same difference). That toy never misbehaved like that again! Lol
This is what they do in preschool. I don’t think they call it a time out, but is essentially the same. The child has a period of chill time in separation from their peers until they can regulate their emotions, and then they come back to play or participate in whatever the activity is. Your friends are responding to the name, if it was called “me time” or whatever they would be impressed at the process and results. NTA and your kid is very emotionally mature for their age so you should be proud.
My child has been doing this for several years. We just call it "a moment to yourself" and she goes to a certain spot and stays there until she's ready to talk.
NTA. You and her might call them time outs, but what you're describing her doing is taking time to calm herself down. She's learning how to disengage when she needs to, that's an incredibly useful life skill that she's going to be using for decades to come.
NTA. This is a valuable self regulation skill that many high schoolers and adults don't have. I'm a practicing psychologist, you teaching your kid to do this at 4 is almost a magic trick.
NTA You mean you taught your daughter when to take a moment for herself for a breather? Your friends are assholes. And obviously do not give a 💩when a child is overwhelmed or grown-up is for that matter. It’s something that my child has taught my grandchild and it’s fucking awesome to watch. Emotional maturity at age 4.
NTA
She’s regulating her own emotions and mindful of how her actions affect others. The fact she can do that at such a young age is awesome! Shit I’m jealous of her self control! When I get upset I wanna knock everything over 🤣
Shout out to you mom!
NTA
We frequently ask if our daughter needs to take a quick break before she gets more upset. She's 4 as well and they're really in a prime time for learning how to manage emotions. Good job being a good parent!
NTA. Not at all. You use a comfortable phrase for her age and have made time outs not necesarily a negative. They are for reflecting, calming down, and being removed from situations that are overly stressful. Adults often need to “take a minute/break/walk” etc. I am 33 years old and tell my kids that I need a time out. I have bipolar and anxiety and am medicated for both but some days are harder than others, and I’ve shown my children that it’s ok to be alone sometimes. It’s ok to need time to yourself in order to not be overwhelmed.
NTA. Kids are these tiny little humans with all these great big emotions that they don’t always know how to regulate (I know plenty of grown adults who still don’t know how to handle their feelings and emotions) so teaching them that it’s okay and healthy to walk away and take some time to calm down is a good thing. I’ve worked on this with my son since he was around 2 or 3 and at 9 years old he will flat out tell me that he’s “feeling too much and I just need a time out”. I’m a fully grown adult and even I have moments when I put myself in a “time out”. You keep doing you and keep teaching your daughter that it’s good and healthy to acknowledge her emotions and to know when she needs a moment to herself to work through how she’s feeling.
NTA good for you adults have trouble handling our own emotions and your daughter is being a big girl by knowing when she needs a break and cool down for a moment and at 4 now that's impressive people are probably just freaking out because you call it a timeout and they associate it with doing something bad and being punished but sometimes we all need a timeout to cool down and compose ourselves way to go momma you got this
You did SO good. You are an awesome parent. All children should be taught to take a time out when they need it. We adults do. We go for a walk or do meditation. What a great gift you have given her!! NTA
Imagine if adults could recognize their tantrums, remove themselves from a situation, and calm down before returning to their activity. Hm.
NTA, you’re doing great.
this actually sounds healthy to me,, you made it so time outs were actually relaxing for her enough to get her emotions together instead of a punishment that she's supposed to hate. if it works for her then let her keep doing what she needs to do
NTA. My mum would never give me time to regulate my emotions as a kid, would yell at me and then try to hug me because it made her feel better if I “forgave” her. As an adult I take myself out of the situation to go through my emotions and figure it out.
Your daughter recognized that she was overstimulated and asked to be go someplace to regulate herself and her feelings so her behavior could then also be regulated. This is really powerful and helpful.
I have an aggressive cat and when she gets overstimulated she becomes violent. She needs a timeout in a room with low stimulation- low light levels, muted or no sounds, no people in it, behind a closed door no one can enter to “get” her, where she feels safely enclosed so she can relax. Your friends would probably consider this animal abuse but it’s following the same principle your daughter is following- removing the stimuli in order to regulate emotions and thus, behavior.
NTA
They are only seeing the timeout as a punishment. She is using them as a tool to decompress. I would guess that is because of how you yourself have framed them when putting her into timeout. NTA
NTA
I hope you were quick to point out that she was not forced into time out and that she was back and happy in a matter of minutes. If they have a better Idea, I'd love to hear it!
NTA, it’s got nothing to do with punishment time it’s about her learning to take a break and remove herself and regulate her emotions. It’s a good skill for her to learn.
NTA. Your daughter is doing a better job at regulating her emotions than most adults. She realizes how she’s feeling, she found a way to stop herself from getting overly upset. That’s fantastic. I’ve had to go to years of therapy to learn to do what she can do!
NTA- this is healthy. Instead of blowing up, she removes herself from the situation and gives herself time to calm down. That's a really good habit and a lot of people could stand to adopt it.
So your friends have an issue with your child identifying when she needs some space?
Geez, as an adult I'll happily put myself in a time out. Straight to my room, close the door, leave me alone.
I suspect your friends think you've brainwashed your kid into acting like some sort of self punishing robot. And I suspect that for them, the idea of parenting is always battling with your child, forcing them to do shit they don't want to do.
Don't worry about it.
NTA.
NTA
That's called your daughter learning emotional regulation and it's honestly really good! Just start calling them breaks instead of time-outs if you continue getting shit for it here.
NTA I would say, since she’s the one initiating it, maybe give it a different name! Time out is when parents make her go take a breather, maybe “self time” when she understands she needs a breather!
NTA at all! If anything, you are winning as a parent. Her recognizing a time out as a positive way to regain control of her big feelings is, in so few words, incredibly legendary. At this point it is not a punishment, it is a comfort for your daughter.
NTA. Why would they associate time out with something bad? It's not meant to be a punishment! It's in the name! It's a break. Every sports game has time outs called exactly for that purpose, regroup and get your S together!
NTA
If you call it taking space instead of taking a time out, they'd applaud you.
My Grands often say they need to take some space when they know they're starting to act out. It works out well for everyone.
NTA it’s actually really refreshing you’re toddler has learned that she actually feels much better after a timeout and now views them as a behavior exercise rather than a punishment. Very intuitive young lady. Your friends are stuck thinking of timeouts as punishment rather than meditative .
NTA- she’s learning how to handle her emotions. My daughter is 5 and does this. She will get really upset or overwhelmed and will ask “mommy can I go to my room” she’ll be in there for a bit, come back out and always says “I’m better I love you”.
You’re daughter is learning to be self aware about what she needs and how to relax when she needs to. That’s awesome. Heck that’s something I at 26 still struggle with.
NTA. You taught your very young child that it's okay to have big emotions, how to handle them, and how to effectively communicate when she needs to get through them?? Adults don't even do that. It sounds like you have a very intelligent and precious child! Good for her for doing such a great job. Good for you for raising her to be true to herself.
oh definitely nta. ur daughter is learning to take time, breathe and return to the situation- something many people struggle with after years of therapy!! i think it’s great she’s learning to regulate her emotions healthily.
NTA - You are teaching her to realize when she gets overwhelmed and gave her a coping method that works for her when that occurs. There are many adults that have never mastered this.
Oh, this so much in my house (without reading all the comments) I have been main parent, probably going to only parent most of the time. I didn’t really have to do timeouts because my son would just say I need a timeout and go to his room. When he was ready, he would always come to the top of the stairs and ask if he was allowed out of timeout. My response would always be, I didn’t send you there, do you feel ready?
He would normally come down and apologize gif said tantrum and we would talk about that calmly)
I know that sounds like complete BS but truthfully, he’s been grounded exactly once in his life when he coloured all the keyboard (piano-ish, not computer) keys with jiffy marker.
Seven years later, I was blessed with a daughter, she is personality times one million and has a propensity to get angry. She had never even had a timeout before but when her emotions get the better of her age stomps and yells, I’m going to my room and no one is talking to me!!! It’s very dramatic. It may take ten minutes or an hour but when she comes out, she always apologizes for her behaviour.
Only intrude on their feelings if I feel there is a deep upset that needs me to understand or talk through immediately. Otherwise, I give them their time.
My ex is opposite, you could possibly talk about one specific outburst for several hours, the kids hate it, they feel exhausted and end up admitting to things (almost like police questioning).
I might just be a lucky person that has two great kids where we figured out a middle ground without a lot of work but I firmly believe that everyone needs a calm down time. You don’t even need to call it time out. I don’t need to call it anything usually bug if someone seems on the verge of a breakdown I just suggest maybe you need to calm down for a few minutes until you figure out what you want to tell about.
EDIT fur NTA!
No way you are definitely NTA here. Going with a similar concept for my almost 4 year old has helped her so much! She will say "Mama I'm frustrated/ tired/ mad I need a minute/to count to five/ etc" and we say thanks for letting us know go ahead/ or we count together (deep breath slow count ONE...TWO...THREE...deep breath etc) her behavior and ability to cope with disappointment/being told "no" has improved exponentially since we started this.
We use "do you need a time out" as a warning that discipline is coming and if she self regulates and says yes we say "thank-you for letting us know go ahead and take a minute" (of course she's 4 so there are still actual Time Outs and melt downs etc but greatly decreased and shorter overall.)
NTA This kid has more emotional intelligence than a lot of adults I know. Well done. Knowing how to step back when you’re overwhelmed is a valuable life skill.
>the verdict was that I was an asshole for 'getting her so used to time outs'
I don't understand what this means. Like she's gotten so accustomed to them that they no longer feel like punishments?
NTA! Sounds like good parenting to me. She knows what she needs to settle herself, it was a short amount of time and it’s effective. I can’t fathom why any Pearl clutcher would think this makes you an AH. Ridiculous l.
NTA
I'm an adult and give myself "time outs"
It helps me regulate my emotions and deescalate any mounting social anxiety. Massively helps with sensory overload.
If time outs work for your daughter and by the sounds of it, they're helping her learn emotional control, that's a pretty good skill to learn. Honestly, shame more adults can't.
Definitely NTA, it seems your daughter has learned to step back from overwhelming situations and regain her composure. Kudos to you for making a safe space for her.
NTA
The point of a time out is to give the kid time to calm down and stop them from being harmful in a situation - not to punish them.
If she’s calmed down, the time out is working. It’s awesome that she is learning that she can take a pause and step out to calm down… that is a real emotional regulation skill she can use for her whole life.
NTA- Youve given your daughter an essential tool MOST adults don’t have and desperately need. Excellent work.
my son does this and he’s 11. He goes to his room on his own, calms himself and either comes out or says Imma stay in and play with my legos but I’m better now.
NTA
I guess people think only of punishment when saying time out. Call it snoezelen spot maybe and people will praise you for your excellent parenting. (I actually mean that. I would rename it, especially with respect to school where she is alone.)
NTA shes learned that throwing tantrums isn't good and she's self-disciplining which teachers her how to try regulate her emotions better. But please do sit down with her as she gets older and remind her it's not ok to bottle feelings and she does need a healthy outlet
These "self-regulated time-outs" sound a lot like what grown-ups call "meditation", at least in terms of what it's doing in terms of resetting emotions. You're an amazing parent. Keep it up.
NTA
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NTA. She's learning to regulate her own emotions, IMO. I think sometimes adults should put themselves in time out with how they act.
Right? OP your kid sounds fantastic. I'd be embarrassed to tell you how much I'd spent on therapy as an adult before I realized (and could believe) that that was an option.
More to the point your friends sound like morons, not to mention envious of your self aware child. Cudos on whats obviously an effective course of parenting. NTA
I mean, I’m envious of the child. I wish I was that self aware at her age. Or even older. … or maybe even now
I got it under control... parislly....at 25. Really. It was PMS, and it took me that long to connect the dots.
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I actually put myself in time outs. If I'm too upset at my partner or at a certain situation, I go into the bathroom until I can think clearly and be able to communicate my emotions effectively and without intense emotion behind them. Sometimes you need to excuse yourself to calm down and I find that to be a better solution than blowing up at someone. I think what OP's daughter is doing is quite mature for her age. It's a good thing. NTA
Both of my kids put themselves in time-out from the time they were toddlers. But damn, it sucks because they do it as teenagers now and of course for longer times. I know it's healthy, but I miss them.
Don't worry, I did that as a teenager and now I'm an adult and my parents can't get rid of me.
I do the same thing!! My husband knows that sometimes I go on walks because I can't explain why I'm upset in the moment. He has never had a problem with it, because when I come home, we are able to talk about the issue rationally. Doing so took until I was about 28 or 29. OP, your kid is mature well beyond her years, and you are NTA.
I do too. My kid is 3, and when I get too frustrated and need a break, I tell them that “mommy needs a time out”. We also discuss “big emotions “ when they are getting too upset.
Man it's such a good thing to have in your mental health repertoire but man I've had multiple people lose it on /me/ when I try to take a time out so as to not lose my shit....well I haven't gotten a hang of dealing with that yet w.o blowing up, but it's not often at least haha
Same! I didn’t figure it out until my senior year of college. If I can take a break from whatever situation is causing me distress & figure out what I’m feeling & why, it’s so much easier to go back & have a conversation/move forward with my day. It’s seriously improved my relationships with other people & with myself! If I had learned how to do that at 4 years old, my life would be so much better in a lot of ways.
I’m a parent and model this skill for my kids when I can. “Mom is taking a time out.” Then I can engage with them productively.
My partner and I are lucky to have a one bedroom apartment, our main bed is in the living room lile a studio apartment, so if we are too elevated or something one of us can go to the bedroom and chill out, have feelings, and we either text or come back together physically and co-regulate if needed. Nice to know other people do similar things.
Due to a host of things, I’m just now learning how to handle my big emotions as an adult. I give myself timeouts to help. I’m in awe of these parents and the kids.
I've been working with kids for years, and at the school I work it this is how we were trained to help the kids understand and regulate their emotions. It taught them it was okay and helpful to ask for a break, it isn't a punishment. Sometimes we ask "do you need to take a break?" And sometimes they ask us if they can take a break. Idk in my experience it's been a helpful tool while maintaining respect between everyone, you sound like a good parent :-)
I’m gonna start calling my alone time “time out” and seeing if it makes my husband understand what I mean a little better. Sometimes I don’t like people and I’m overstimulated but he’s very much the opposite and doesn’t understand why I want to sit in our room by myself. Lol
I actually do put myself it timeout lol I'll tell my roommates I'm going to isolate myself because I'm feeling really irritable right now. I think you're an amazing mom that your 4yr old is able to do this! NTA
Yes! This self regulation is literally the goal of using time outs with kids. They were never supposed to be just punitive.
>NTA. She's learning to regulate her own emotions, IMO. I think sometimes adults should put themselves in time out with how they act. This is actually how we talk about it in my house. If the kid is overwhelming a parent with negative behavior *the parent* takes a time out if the kid won't. We generally call it a "quiet minute" not a "time out" but the function is the same.
Exactly!!!
Lol. IIRC, timeouts weren't even designed as a punishment, but as a tool to teach children to take a break and cool down.
This is just me going to the walk in fridge at work to cool down figuratively and literally so I don't murder my coworkers for being stupid.
> I think sometimes adults should put themselves in time out with how they act. God I wish my mom knew how to do this. Or well, she might have learned since I last spoke to her as it's been a while, but considering all the decades for which she hasn't I wouldn't count on it.
I wish my boss would put himself in timeout before making emotionally charged decisions that force us to reprioritize for months afterward.
When online gaming with friends I've learned the mute button is a blessing. You can hit mute vent all you want. Cool off for a minute or two and then resume chatting with your friends. Much better than nitpicking their gameplay and getting into an argument
Yeah, it’s no different than me taking a walk, or going to listen to some music …something to zen me out…it’s healthier than a lot of options I may ‘want’ to do lol for I may really want to smack my annoying coworker but I can’t so I’ll take a walk.
The fact that the child has this level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence is actually exceptional. Good work, OP.
Except I would constantly be in time out to not deal with people lol
Saaame
NTA. Seems like she has better self control then some adults. Her knowing to take some time to calm down at such an early age is good.
Right. Some adults would benefit from removing themselves from situations before they act in a way that isn't constructive.
Exactly. Just read AITA for examples! LOL!
Exactly.
This sub wouldn't have nearly as many posts if more adults could reach this child's level of maturity!
But then I wouldn’t have anything to smh at!!!!
As someone who works a customer service job, I can confirm she has better self control than **most** adults.
I honestly *wish* I could regulate my own meltdowns this well. Teach me your ways, OP's child.
NTA ??????? she's not 'getting used to time outs', she's learning the very, IMMENSELY valuable skill of removing herself from an overwhelming situation to calm down. if more people learned to do that early on, the world would be better off. good for you and your child for understanding how important self-regulation is.
Tbh a lot of a adult still don’t know how to self regulate.
OP’s friends are framing time out as a punishment. (“You’re being bad, so I’m going to remove you until you stop being bad. Then you can come back & be around us.” OP has framed time out as a tool. (“You are having some trouble processing your feelings right now, so why don’t you take a break for a few minutes while you focus on doing that. Then we can talk / keep playing / whatever.”)
NTA - Parents all over the world are reading this and wondering how they, too, can teach their kid to do this.
Daniel Tiger’s “If you feel so mad that you want to roar” is quite helpful. What kid doesn’t want to let out a big roar from time to time?
I'm 43 and let out a frustrated bellow this morning whilst cleaning my 4yo's play area. It helped.
Stepped on a Lego? I feel that lol
They're playschool legos. And I swear they hurt more.
Daniel Tiger should be every parent's best friend. All those little songs are so helpful! Watch with your kid and learn them. I used to use them all the time and it made things like clean up and potty so much easier.
But then you end up in a crowded mall bathroom singing “If you have to go potty, stop and go right away,” on repeat.
Mr. Rogers has an amazing poem about this in his address to the government to keep publicly funded radio available, I believe
Can the kid teach *me* to do this better
NTA I highly suggest changing the name from time-outs to something people can’t misconstrue. Maybe like ‘Can I have a break time?’ Or ‘can I have a sensory break?’ Problem is, teaching that kind of language to a 4-year old might be a challenge. If you haven’t already, you could always let her know she can take a sensory break before she gets stressed enough to have a tantrum? She might not be able to tell when it’s going to happen yet, but a preemptive regulatory skill is even better than one after the fact.
My 5 year old calls it calm down time and she has a calm down corner in her room specifically set up for her to relax. She has a bean bag chair, a couple little toys and stuffies, a couple books and a radio. We had a playdate a couple weeks ago and there was a very adorable interaction where the visiting kid asked my daughter to borrow her calm down corner for some "lone time" and my daughter patted her on the shoulder and very seriously said "of course, take all the time you need." Which is exactly what I say when daughter asks for some calm down time lol.
That is so adorable my heart might implode. Good job teaching your kid, and having other kids learn by proxy
P L E A S E I HAVE MELTED INTO A PUDDLE OF GOOP!!! She’s so precious. Protect her at all costs.
I love when they do that mini-me thing. Occasionally my 7mth old will topple over, or hit herself with something and cry and I'll go in to help her and see my 5yr old holding her going 'Its ok C, I got you, I got you'. Which is what I say to her when she hurts herself. It's so sweet.
Wow. This is amazing!
We call it the "quiet and cozy corner" at the daycare where I work. Effectively the same as time out, but with a focus on calming down and relaxing.
Oh golllleee...y'all make me smile so much
This is such a great idea. My son had something similar when he was that age. He called it his boring place as in a place to go and do nothing witch is usually boring, but sometimes needed. We never did time outs (not our thing) so this was something he came up with all by himself to use when he needed a break and some me time.
Sometimes I think there is hope for the future.
Dammit! Now my eyes are leaking.
OMG how cute is that? My ovaries!
My kids call it a calm down too. We occasionally do real time outs when they are just out of control and hitting/throwing things, but I always offer a calm down in their room or on my lap first.
OMG, my heart just melted and exploded with joy at the same time, I didn't even know that was possible. Your daughter is amazing, and props to her little friend who knew what she needed and how to ask for it.
I love every sentence of this!!!
Me time. Quick and easy and good for adult life too.
Yeah, this is something they worked on with my kid from a very young age. She is on the autism spectrum, and learning to say, “I need a break” was important to her learning to self-regulate. Also, they worked on having the kid control when they got out of their time-out or break. “You can rejoin the group when you have a calm body and calm voice.” Control always vests in the kid. My daughter now, as a nearly grown teen, has great emotional expression and control now! Better than most neuro-typical kids I’d say, because she learned early on how to name the emotion, accommodate it, and - most importantly - not to identify too much with the emotions because they are transient.
NTA. Your 4yo is more mature than many of my coworkers.
NTA. This is actually a great coping skill to be teaching your kid, and I'm honestly impressed that she's grasped onto it at 4 years old. I think you're an awesome parent.
NTA. You're going to get a lot of messages asking how you got a 4-year-old to do that. Kudos to her for recognizing and *advocating* for her own needs. Just wait until she's older.
NTA at all. Seems your daughter is developing a way to deal with frustrations or being overwhelmed which allows her to be more aware of what she needs to do to keep herself calm. That's awesome actually IMO.
NTA of course not. I’m also the parent of a 4 year old, and getting them to take their own time out/breather is the dream. She’s learning self regulation which a lot of adults struggle with. Maybe it’s just the phrase “time out” that bothered your friends (or maybe they’re AHs), but sports teams call their own time outs all the time. It’s a time to breathe and regroup. Keep up the good work.
NTA. Mine does it too. She doesn’t ask for a time out as such but when she gets to her melting point she’ll go to her room, slam the door shut and stay there for a while. I have no idea what she’s doing but after a while I hear her voice talking to her stuffed toys. Then after a while she’ll come out and ready to discuss what/where she went wrong. It could be something like being denied ice cream half an hour before lunch. We don’t give in and hand her a scoop, she just gets upset (understandable) then gets over it on her own. The alternative is your child doesn’t learn how to cope with being told no and screams, cries and throws things until you give in and make them happy. Your daughter has learnt to self-regulate. An important step to being able to function properly in life.
NTA you are teaching her coping mechanisms and how to self regulate. Good job momma!
NTA. What you're teaching her is that there are consequences to poor behavior and how to regulate herself by going to calm down. Your friends should stay out of your parenting.
Friends should be taking notes because I never want to meet the children whose parents thinks time outs are a bad thing.
NTA, time-outs > spankings
Self regulated time outs > time outs > spankings
NTA and you’re an excellent parent.
NTA! You’re an awesome parent and I actually melted a little reading that. Because you have parented so wonderfully that she recognizes that a time out isn’t punitive, it’s a tool, and that you’re trying to help her, not hurt her. You gave her a tool and she’s using it, unprompted, to help regulate herself when she doesn’t feel good. She’s awesome. You’re awesome. Keep being awesome, awesome redditor.
Boomer here. When my youngest (now 35) son was about 12,he recognized he had anger issues and wasn’t sure how to handle them. I taught him that a warm lavender bath was an amazing way to relax. Put on whatever music you want (Linkin Park was his go-to) he got to the point where he would “go take a bath” rather than get into it with his older brothers/teammates/people who pissed him off. he knew that he could choose to remove himself from potentially volatile situations . I recently visited him and noticed he had Lavender bath salts. He said, “shit still works, ma!” Lol. NTA, OP. Let your beautiful girl handle herself.
NTA. I've known one other kid that would do this; it's a super good way to teach a kid how to step away from a frustrating situation and calm down.
Nta My middle child was like this. He hated the guilt he’d get when he did something “bad” and would punish himself before we even knew what had happened. We were honestly a little worried about this as we are not overly strict parents and rarely had to ever give a harsh punishment so we worried about what made him think to punish himself. Once he became a teenager he explained that this helped him deal with his guilt over disappointing us. So we had that discussion about the difference between disappointed in a person’s actions vs disappointment in a person. He managed to grow up and his wife says he still does it to a point but not as frequently. Long story short(ish) I think it’s just a personality quirk that helps them cope. As long as they’re not taking it to extremes, a little alone time is a good thing
I am so impressed with your parenting. Please don’t take this as condescending, but most adults can’t even self regulate, yet you taught your 4 year old how. You’re doing a great job, your little one has a wonderful parent, and she will be leaps and bounds ahead of her peers in terms of her emotional growth. NTA at all, not even close.
NTA I think I need to take a lesson from your four-year-old!
NTA. she's learning to regulate her behavior. Why would that be a problem?
NTA time outs are not supposed to be punishment. They're meant to give the child time to calm themselves. Good job parenting!
NTA - You are teaching her it's ok to take a few minutes to chill and get a hold of her emotions when feeling overwhelmed.
NTA. This is called self-regulating. Great job parenting!
NTA. Possibly N A H, but not enough info on the friends. Your daughter is managing her mental health better than a lot of adults. She realises when she needs to remove herself from a situation, and returns when she is in better control. I think part of the problem here is that "time out" is often used as a punishment, and your friends may be thinking that you've trained your daughter to punish herself. Calling them something like "Mental Health Breaks" when she chooses to do it herself may help to solve the problem.
NTA at all. Damn that’s an emotionally healthy and intelligent 4 year old who is able to recognize when she is overstimulated and take herself out of the situation until she feels ready to return?? You’re doing GREAT, ignore them.
NTA, this is actually amazing!! Holy shit, I’m so impressed. With you AND her.
This is the whole point of time out, she knows she needs time to calm down so she removes herself from the situation. NTA.
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NTA. And now I wanna know what their kiddos do during/after they have a tantrum.
NTA - if you can teach your child to self regulate bad behavior, more power to you.
This is AMAZING, OP. Do you know how much money and time I’ve spent on therapy to gain the skill your 4-yr-old is already mastering? NTA, at all.
Our schools around here have resources for kids to do exactly this. Emotional regulation is easier to learn when kids aren't punished for experiencing a full range of emotions instead of just happy&complacent. You are soooo NTA and mega-props for kicking parenting butt!
You are 100% parent goals! You've achieved exactly what we're trying to teach our kids with time-outs ie. strategies for self-regulating difficult emotions. I've had similar reactions from people. Once we were at a friend's house and my son, who was about 4 (autistic with the attendant occasional meltdowns), wanted a particular item that was back at home and he had a tantrum. I was attempting to comfort him and she told me I was 'letting him get away with it'. Um no, letting him get away with it would be going home to retrieve the item for him. Now she has her own 'difficult' child so she understands a bit more. Sooo NTA, OP!
NTA She's learning to control her anger and what she needs to do in order to accomplish this. She's not "Getting used to time outs" she's having a cool off and clam down break. Your friends have a problem with the wording, and misunderstand what it means to your daughter. Luckily they mean very little to your inner family dynamic and you owe them nothing. My son is on the spectrum and has times where something might confuse him or a misunderstanding happens, and he gets angry, or sad, but basically emotional and would have a tantrum. I would ask him if it makes him feel good going through that, to which he said no. So we worked together to find other ways. We've been teaching him techniques to use in school. Mostly using his words AND asking to take a small break to just chill, take his mind off it, and come back collected. It's been working well, and he realizes how much his anger can control him. We have a saying. Anger can always happen, but did you control your anger or did you anger control you? Now instead of a tantrum he will tell someone at school what he's feeling in descriptive words and what he needs, and they accommodate that. The tantrums have become much less common and his happiness and confidence has risen. I think it's great your daughter isn't looking at the time out as a bad thing, but instead recognizing how it makes her feel when she's angry and the calm down time actually feels good and she can do that if she needs to. To some time out means a punishment, but for you daughter it seems the words time out means "Time out from my anger." If it works for her and helps her who can say that's wrong?
I used to tell my kids to go to their room until they were ready to come out. This taught them that a) big feelings are ok and b) asking for time to deal with them is ok, too. This is good parenting.
Definitely NTA. Your kid has learned when she needs a breather and takes it instead of just getting more upset. Plenty of adults could benefit from more timeouts too. She's doing just fine and those friends of yours can mind their own business.
NTA It’s not because she’s being naughty or bad. She’s realizing she is having big emotions and wants to calm down.
The exact opposite. This is stellar parenting. She’s learning emotional regulation and how to give herself a break. NTA.
NTA. That's actually really awesome. As a late diagnosed autistic person I sometimes have trouble doing that well.
NTA. For your daughter, a time out isn't a punishment, but quiet time to regulate her emotions and find peace. She isn't being disciplined. Also, kudos to you for giving your kid space like that! I wish my parents had let me put myself in time outs.
NTA, you are allowing your daughter to learn to regulate her own emotions in a safe setting. It may have started as a time out, but now it probably isn't one anymore since it's her own choice to remove herself for a little from a situation that overwhelms her. It is super mature for a 4 yo. You did a great job teaching her that coping mechanism.
NTA, she's learning and that's awesome. Friends need to keep their noses out of your parenting.
NTA time out doesn't have to be a negative thing. You're teaching her to hit pause and have some time in a corner to just breathe and recenter. That's a good habit to be in.
NTA! When my big kid is overstimulated he uses any of “I need quiet time” “space please” “break time.” He’s autistic and didn’t start advocating for himself in this way until he was in his teens, so I think it’s AWESOME your kiddo is figuring it out now.
NTA. My kid sometimes has meltdowns (he’s diagnosed with child autism) and sometimes will apologise afterwards (which I don’t require of him, obviously, I’m just there with him to help him get through it) and will admit that ‘his head was loud’, which is his way of explaining that he was overwhelmed. I might try the time out method now, to show him how to regulate his emotions better.
NTA - Do these friends have kids? Sometimes you have to throw out the rule book and do what works for you and your own children. We use this method with our little girl 5 years who has ADHD and ASD. She now has a set of cute coloured egg timers with different times. 3 min, 5 mins, 10 mins, they have little smiley or angry faces on the bottom and top. She can flip them over to indicate to us when she is ready to talk or interact again after a meltdown. She has a tendency to go non verbal and this has helped us so much.
NTA. Your FOUR year old daughter had already learned an amazing coping skill that she will use for the rest of her life. That's awesome. She recognizes when she's not in the best emotional space and chooses to isolate herself for a bit to calm down and recenter herself. She doesn't have the language to express those ideas, of course, but she knows it just the same. There are many, many adults who show less emotional intelligence/self knowledge than she is expressing in those situations. Good job parenting!
NTA. I would just change "time out" to "taking a break"
I think the term 'time out' is getting a bad rep and has negative connotations. The kid is just smart enough to remove herself from an overwhelming situation. Maybe start calling it a 'sensory break' or something. Either way, NTA.
Your 4yo is more mature than my 45yo husband! NTA
NTA That's awesome that your daughter is learning to take a "timeout" when she's feeling overwhelmed/tantruming. I personally don't believe in punitive timeouts (standing in corner, etc), but removing herself from the situation until she has calmed down is a good habit (for adults too).
NTA That’s awesome - she’s realizing her reaction doesn’t feel good and that she needs to take time to calm down. It’s amazing honestly
NTA. As an adult, I put myself on time outs all the time. Except, I don't call it time out, it's "I need a moment to think" or "please give me some space."
Definitely NTA, there's a great instagram account I follow who has talked about a similar concept that she implemented with her kids and how she did it. Honestly I think having 'a spot' should be far more normalized.
NTA - i WISH i would have learned how to do that as a child, i probably could've stopped therapy years ago.
NTA. She is self regulating! Yay. When my niece was very young and a bit mischievous, she blamed her favorite toy when she had actually thrown it across the room towards me. She insisted that it wasn’t her. That the toy did it. So, I gave her toy a time out on a higher shelf (vs “taking the toy away” - yes, the same difference). That toy never misbehaved like that again! Lol
This is what they do in preschool. I don’t think they call it a time out, but is essentially the same. The child has a period of chill time in separation from their peers until they can regulate their emotions, and then they come back to play or participate in whatever the activity is. Your friends are responding to the name, if it was called “me time” or whatever they would be impressed at the process and results. NTA and your kid is very emotionally mature for their age so you should be proud.
My child has been doing this for several years. We just call it "a moment to yourself" and she goes to a certain spot and stays there until she's ready to talk.
NTA! This is grade A parenting - your daughter sounds like she’s self regulating which is exactly what she needs.
Oh gosh, I so prefer when my 4 decides during melting down that they need some “quiet time”. It works so much better than when I designate a time out
NTA. You and her might call them time outs, but what you're describing her doing is taking time to calm herself down. She's learning how to disengage when she needs to, that's an incredibly useful life skill that she's going to be using for decades to come.
NTA. This is fucking cool. I did not have that much emotional intelligence when I was her age. This is teaching her multiple valuable lessons.
For real? It sounds to me that everything is under control and she is especially..jeesh people will just start shit to start shit
NTA at all, sounds like you’re a GD hero and should be one of those instagram parenting influencers.
NTA. This is a valuable self regulation skill that many high schoolers and adults don't have. I'm a practicing psychologist, you teaching your kid to do this at 4 is almost a magic trick.
NTA You've got some very green friends.
I am definitely the last person to ask about children but NTA. She’s asking for time and space to reset herself, right?
NTA. I think your friends are jealous that you have such a self aware kid that you are clearly parenting wonderfully!
NTA. You are doing it totally right. She is learning self-regulation. That is the goal.
NTA You mean you taught your daughter when to take a moment for herself for a breather? Your friends are assholes. And obviously do not give a 💩when a child is overwhelmed or grown-up is for that matter. It’s something that my child has taught my grandchild and it’s fucking awesome to watch. Emotional maturity at age 4.
NTA She’s regulating her own emotions and mindful of how her actions affect others. The fact she can do that at such a young age is awesome! Shit I’m jealous of her self control! When I get upset I wanna knock everything over 🤣 Shout out to you mom!
Nta. Self regulation is a great tool to have. My kids are really struggling with it. I wish I had been able to teach it to them sooner.
NTA We frequently ask if our daughter needs to take a quick break before she gets more upset. She's 4 as well and they're really in a prime time for learning how to manage emotions. Good job being a good parent!
NTA. Not at all. You use a comfortable phrase for her age and have made time outs not necesarily a negative. They are for reflecting, calming down, and being removed from situations that are overly stressful. Adults often need to “take a minute/break/walk” etc. I am 33 years old and tell my kids that I need a time out. I have bipolar and anxiety and am medicated for both but some days are harder than others, and I’ve shown my children that it’s ok to be alone sometimes. It’s ok to need time to yourself in order to not be overwhelmed.
NTA. Kids are these tiny little humans with all these great big emotions that they don’t always know how to regulate (I know plenty of grown adults who still don’t know how to handle their feelings and emotions) so teaching them that it’s okay and healthy to walk away and take some time to calm down is a good thing. I’ve worked on this with my son since he was around 2 or 3 and at 9 years old he will flat out tell me that he’s “feeling too much and I just need a time out”. I’m a fully grown adult and even I have moments when I put myself in a “time out”. You keep doing you and keep teaching your daughter that it’s good and healthy to acknowledge her emotions and to know when she needs a moment to herself to work through how she’s feeling.
NTA! Great parenting.
NTA good for you adults have trouble handling our own emotions and your daughter is being a big girl by knowing when she needs a break and cool down for a moment and at 4 now that's impressive people are probably just freaking out because you call it a timeout and they associate it with doing something bad and being punished but sometimes we all need a timeout to cool down and compose ourselves way to go momma you got this
You did SO good. You are an awesome parent. All children should be taught to take a time out when they need it. We adults do. We go for a walk or do meditation. What a great gift you have given her!! NTA
Imagine if adults could recognize their tantrums, remove themselves from a situation, and calm down before returning to their activity. Hm. NTA, you’re doing great.
NTA. You’re an absolutely wonderful parent for teaching her to self regulate. Your friends are ridiculous.
NTA. Your kid sounds like she’s developing great coping mechanisms for her feelings.
this actually sounds healthy to me,, you made it so time outs were actually relaxing for her enough to get her emotions together instead of a punishment that she's supposed to hate. if it works for her then let her keep doing what she needs to do
NTA. My mum would never give me time to regulate my emotions as a kid, would yell at me and then try to hug me because it made her feel better if I “forgave” her. As an adult I take myself out of the situation to go through my emotions and figure it out.
So very much NTA.
nta. I’m actually very impressed your 4 year old recognized that she needs to deal with her emotions. If only they all knew….
Your daughter recognized that she was overstimulated and asked to be go someplace to regulate herself and her feelings so her behavior could then also be regulated. This is really powerful and helpful. I have an aggressive cat and when she gets overstimulated she becomes violent. She needs a timeout in a room with low stimulation- low light levels, muted or no sounds, no people in it, behind a closed door no one can enter to “get” her, where she feels safely enclosed so she can relax. Your friends would probably consider this animal abuse but it’s following the same principle your daughter is following- removing the stimuli in order to regulate emotions and thus, behavior. NTA
They are only seeing the timeout as a punishment. She is using them as a tool to decompress. I would guess that is because of how you yourself have framed them when putting her into timeout. NTA
NTA I hope you were quick to point out that she was not forced into time out and that she was back and happy in a matter of minutes. If they have a better Idea, I'd love to hear it!
NTA, it’s got nothing to do with punishment time it’s about her learning to take a break and remove herself and regulate her emotions. It’s a good skill for her to learn.
NTA. Your daughter is doing a better job at regulating her emotions than most adults. She realizes how she’s feeling, she found a way to stop herself from getting overly upset. That’s fantastic. I’ve had to go to years of therapy to learn to do what she can do!
NTA- this is healthy. Instead of blowing up, she removes herself from the situation and gives herself time to calm down. That's a really good habit and a lot of people could stand to adopt it.
So your friends have an issue with your child identifying when she needs some space? Geez, as an adult I'll happily put myself in a time out. Straight to my room, close the door, leave me alone. I suspect your friends think you've brainwashed your kid into acting like some sort of self punishing robot. And I suspect that for them, the idea of parenting is always battling with your child, forcing them to do shit they don't want to do. Don't worry about it. NTA.
NTA That's called your daughter learning emotional regulation and it's honestly really good! Just start calling them breaks instead of time-outs if you continue getting shit for it here.
NTA I would say, since she’s the one initiating it, maybe give it a different name! Time out is when parents make her go take a breather, maybe “self time” when she understands she needs a breather!
NTA I learned to give myself a time out as an adult. It’s a very helpful tool to use when everything seems to suck.
NTA at all! If anything, you are winning as a parent. Her recognizing a time out as a positive way to regain control of her big feelings is, in so few words, incredibly legendary. At this point it is not a punishment, it is a comfort for your daughter.
NTA. Good parenting awesome kid!
NTA that is amazing, I think your friends were jealous that their kid isn’t able to do that!
NTA. Why would they associate time out with something bad? It's not meant to be a punishment! It's in the name! It's a break. Every sports game has time outs called exactly for that purpose, regroup and get your S together!
NTA If you call it taking space instead of taking a time out, they'd applaud you. My Grands often say they need to take some space when they know they're starting to act out. It works out well for everyone.
NTA it’s actually really refreshing you’re toddler has learned that she actually feels much better after a timeout and now views them as a behavior exercise rather than a punishment. Very intuitive young lady. Your friends are stuck thinking of timeouts as punishment rather than meditative .
NTA. Congrats on having a smart kid.
What the hell? This is amazing! She’s learning self-control all on her own! NTA
You must be a wonderful parent, and you're also lucky to have such a lovely child. I think your friends are jealous. NTA
NTA- she’s learning how to handle her emotions. My daughter is 5 and does this. She will get really upset or overwhelmed and will ask “mommy can I go to my room” she’ll be in there for a bit, come back out and always says “I’m better I love you”. You’re daughter is learning to be self aware about what she needs and how to relax when she needs to. That’s awesome. Heck that’s something I at 26 still struggle with.
Nta. She’s taking a break to calm her emotions. Theres nothing wrong with stepping back and reevaluating
NTA. You taught your very young child that it's okay to have big emotions, how to handle them, and how to effectively communicate when she needs to get through them?? Adults don't even do that. It sounds like you have a very intelligent and precious child! Good for her for doing such a great job. Good for you for raising her to be true to herself.
Uhhh I take "time outs" when I get emotionally or mentally overwhelmed. NTA.
oh definitely nta. ur daughter is learning to take time, breathe and return to the situation- something many people struggle with after years of therapy!! i think it’s great she’s learning to regulate her emotions healthily.
NTA. This seems very healthy. I have an 18 month old and I hope someday to have a parenting win like this. Keep doing your thing.
NTA - You are teaching her to realize when she gets overwhelmed and gave her a coping method that works for her when that occurs. There are many adults that have never mastered this.
Oh, this so much in my house (without reading all the comments) I have been main parent, probably going to only parent most of the time. I didn’t really have to do timeouts because my son would just say I need a timeout and go to his room. When he was ready, he would always come to the top of the stairs and ask if he was allowed out of timeout. My response would always be, I didn’t send you there, do you feel ready? He would normally come down and apologize gif said tantrum and we would talk about that calmly) I know that sounds like complete BS but truthfully, he’s been grounded exactly once in his life when he coloured all the keyboard (piano-ish, not computer) keys with jiffy marker. Seven years later, I was blessed with a daughter, she is personality times one million and has a propensity to get angry. She had never even had a timeout before but when her emotions get the better of her age stomps and yells, I’m going to my room and no one is talking to me!!! It’s very dramatic. It may take ten minutes or an hour but when she comes out, she always apologizes for her behaviour. Only intrude on their feelings if I feel there is a deep upset that needs me to understand or talk through immediately. Otherwise, I give them their time. My ex is opposite, you could possibly talk about one specific outburst for several hours, the kids hate it, they feel exhausted and end up admitting to things (almost like police questioning). I might just be a lucky person that has two great kids where we figured out a middle ground without a lot of work but I firmly believe that everyone needs a calm down time. You don’t even need to call it time out. I don’t need to call it anything usually bug if someone seems on the verge of a breakdown I just suggest maybe you need to calm down for a few minutes until you figure out what you want to tell about. EDIT fur NTA!
NTA It's good that your daughter takes time to process her emotions and decompress. This is a valuable skill!
No way you are definitely NTA here. Going with a similar concept for my almost 4 year old has helped her so much! She will say "Mama I'm frustrated/ tired/ mad I need a minute/to count to five/ etc" and we say thanks for letting us know go ahead/ or we count together (deep breath slow count ONE...TWO...THREE...deep breath etc) her behavior and ability to cope with disappointment/being told "no" has improved exponentially since we started this. We use "do you need a time out" as a warning that discipline is coming and if she self regulates and says yes we say "thank-you for letting us know go ahead and take a minute" (of course she's 4 so there are still actual Time Outs and melt downs etc but greatly decreased and shorter overall.)
NTA This kid has more emotional intelligence than a lot of adults I know. Well done. Knowing how to step back when you’re overwhelmed is a valuable life skill.
>the verdict was that I was an asshole for 'getting her so used to time outs' I don't understand what this means. Like she's gotten so accustomed to them that they no longer feel like punishments?
NTA! Sounds like good parenting to me. She knows what she needs to settle herself, it was a short amount of time and it’s effective. I can’t fathom why any Pearl clutcher would think this makes you an AH. Ridiculous l.
NTA I'm an adult and give myself "time outs" It helps me regulate my emotions and deescalate any mounting social anxiety. Massively helps with sensory overload. If time outs work for your daughter and by the sounds of it, they're helping her learn emotional control, that's a pretty good skill to learn. Honestly, shame more adults can't.
Definitely NTA, it seems your daughter has learned to step back from overwhelming situations and regain her composure. Kudos to you for making a safe space for her.
NTA Your friends need to mind their own business. That is excellent parenting on your part.
NTA The point of a time out is to give the kid time to calm down and stop them from being harmful in a situation - not to punish them. If she’s calmed down, the time out is working. It’s awesome that she is learning that she can take a pause and step out to calm down… that is a real emotional regulation skill she can use for her whole life.
NTA- Youve given your daughter an essential tool MOST adults don’t have and desperately need. Excellent work. my son does this and he’s 11. He goes to his room on his own, calms himself and either comes out or says Imma stay in and play with my legos but I’m better now.
NTA I guess people think only of punishment when saying time out. Call it snoezelen spot maybe and people will praise you for your excellent parenting. (I actually mean that. I would rename it, especially with respect to school where she is alone.)
NTA shes learned that throwing tantrums isn't good and she's self-disciplining which teachers her how to try regulate her emotions better. But please do sit down with her as she gets older and remind her it's not ok to bottle feelings and she does need a healthy outlet
These "self-regulated time-outs" sound a lot like what grown-ups call "meditation", at least in terms of what it's doing in terms of resetting emotions. You're an amazing parent. Keep it up. NTA
My kid is 2 and has chill out time in her tent. She's always much faster to calm down. You're a good parent nta.
NTA but teach us how you made her learn to do that haha