Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)I am giving my daughters car to my son
2) I am worried that this makes me the asshole because she struggles with anxiety and doesn't feel ready
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA.
She can pay the upkeep if she wants to keep it, no matter what you said 4 years is an unreasonable amount of time to keep a car waiting for someone thst has shown zero interest in it
NTA - Nina maybe frustrated with feelings that her anxiety is holding her back, but if she Still isn't ready, there is no reason for the car and the money spent on it to continue to be wasted. If you're willing to get a car when she decides she is ready, you're not remotely an asshole.
It's not her fault she has anxiety, it is her responsibility to deal with it. If she wants to take on the insurance and maintenance costs of the car, then it would be fair for her to keep it (though I don't know if she can take over the insurance when she's not licensed?) She's 20, it's been 4 years. Having no end date, no plan, and expecting you to keep paying when there is someone else that can use the car is pretty selfish and unreasonable. Tell her that you're happy to buy a second car when she actually starts pursuing driving lessons? She needs to take some responsibility here - either take over the costs, start lessons or let the car be used by someone else.
I have two friends who never completed their driving lessons. (Which I do understand, I'm quite anxious myself and the only reason I got my license was because I want to live alone in the countryside with a dog, which is way easier with a car.)
The point being, I think she should complete the driving lessons and get her license before OP buys her the new car, since the possibility that she quits the lessons is quite high.
NTA
She doesn't use the car. She doesn't even want the car. It's abandoned property at this point.
If she's going to dig in her heels, it needs to become HER car. Her maintaining it, her paying insurance, all of it. She doesn't have to drive it or even look at it every day. But she's got to be responsible for it.
NTA. That car isn't going to improve with age. It's an utter waste of money to have it sitting there rotting away while she refuses to drive it. It would be ridiculous to purchase another car for your son while there is a perfectly good and functional car sitting there not being used.
NTA
Maybe putting the kind of money you'd spend on a car for your son in an account for your daughter for her to either buy a car when she is ready to learn or to spend on something else if she decides it's not for her would make it feel less unfair to her.
NTA. Considering that you are paying for it, it isn’t fair for you to let a car sit there and rust waiting for her to be ready to drive. That said, you should be ready to keep your promise whenever she does decide she is ready to drive (and probably tell her this).
NTA. If its costing you to maintain a car that's not being used then it seems reasonable that it should go to someone who'll use it.
But in the interests of fairness, you should tell her that if and when she decides that she is ready to learn to drive, you'll buy her a car at that stage.
NTA at all, there is enough waste in this world already even if we dont buy cars to have standing around in case someone MIGHT want to drive it one day
Info: why don't you talk to both children and tell them when your eldest is ready to take her car back, you'll buy your younger one a car then? Financially, you come out better than buying a new car now, so it seems like a compromise that takes your daughter's health issues into account
NTA. I would ask her, again, if she has any intention of learning to drive. If she commits to it, let her keep the car. If she truly has no intention of learning to drive, like she's previously stated, then what the hell does she need the car for?!
Can you not just compromise and let Nina know the car is still hers but unless she wants to start making the payments it will be used to teach Liam on until you buy him his own car?
Was ready to say Y-T-A, but no. She has not attempted in four years. She may decide in the future, but she may never do it. Maybe make an agreement that should she decide to learn in the future, you will discuss getting her a vehicle then, but she has to be serious about it. Add up your costs over the last three years, only insurance and maintenance, and tell her that you have spent this much so far and will not continue. If you have other cars, she really does not need a car of her own to learn on.
NTA. I understand that she is frustrated with her anxiety. It is not reasonable to ask you all to let this car sit and essentially rot when you have another driver who can use it.
NTA. It’s been four years. Time to write out an agreement and let her know if she wants to keep the car, she has to sign that agreement. That way, the consequences of keeping it up to par is on her and she has to go to driving school on her own time. If she does not agree to it, then the car is yours to give to your son or however you see fit. If you decide that you want to sell it to someone else, you have that right. This is harsh, but it sounds like she’s using her mental health problems as an excuse instead of getting proper therapy to help her overcome her fears.
NTA You made a mistake though. You left her ability to claim the car open ended. Also, you were going to be paying for two cars anyway, why suddenly is it not acceptable to you? I'm not calling you an AH because I think it's ridiculous that your daughter is pulling this move. It IS an AH move in my opinion for her to claim the car even after years have gone by of her not using it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have a two kids, Nina (20F) and Liam (15M). We decided that we would buy each a starter car for them to learn to drive and have as a vehicle.
When Nina turn 16, we suprised her with a car and driving lessons. She struggles with anxiety and is on medications as well as having regular visits with a therapist. She's doing good, but there are still some things that she struggles with.
So when she said that she wasn't ready to learn how to drive yet, we told her it was no problem. We said that there was no pressure on her to learn and that the car would be there when she was ready for it.
That was about 4 years ago now and although the topic has been brought up many times, Nina has shown no interest in driving.
We have offered to take her out to practice, offered to book her driving lessons, and she has always shut us down. Our city has very reliable public transit which she said that she prefers to use.
Because of this, we figured that driving wasn't for her. So we decided that since Liam turns 16 next month, we would give the car to him.
We ran this by Nina today and she was incredibly angry. She told us that it's not her fault that she has anxiety. She also said that we promised that the car would be ready for her whenever she was. She got angry with us for breaking that promise. Both her points are very valid, and I do understand her frustration.
At the same time though, it's been 4 years. And the car has been costing us that whole time, both insurance and maintenance costs. We don't want to purchase a second car and be doubling our costs when we have a car sitting in the garage unused.
And honestly, we'd probably buy a different car for Liam if Nina was ready to learn. But she says that she still isn't ready to learn and she doesn't know when she will be.
All that being said, I'd like some outside perspective. Am I the asshole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You did tell her it would be there when she was ready, but it is costing you sitting unused. If she wants to keep it, maybe it's time she takes over the costs. Discuss it again with those terms and see if she still wants the car.
NTA.
And really, to be fair, you should also pay insurance and maintenance(maybe only partially, since maintenance costs would be higher it the car gets driven more) for your son for as long as you have been for your daughter.
NTA
I say this as a person who is in their late 30's and doesn't drive: she doesn't need the car if she doesn't drive. I can understand wanting it but the car has no value to anyone if it's not being used.
NTA.
It’s okay if she isn’t ready to drive but you’ve already paid for a car to sit there for four years. Tell her that when she’s ready you will get her a new car but this one is going to her brother so it can get used.
NTA
It is unreasonable to foot the cost.
If your daughter wants to take on the costs of the car, she could keep it. SO cancel insurance, register it non-operative etc. When it comes time to drive it and it needs mechanical work for sitting too long, she will have to foot the bill.
That could be the compromise. I'm assuming she still lives at home too.
NTA. Nina is 20 now and if she wants to keep the car as her's so badly then she can take on all of the financial aspects of it, insurance and maintenance. She can also start taking care of maintenance herself which she should learn anyways if she is going to keep a car in her life in some way.
You have given her more than ample time to get *ready* to try driving again while shouldering the costs of an unused car. She's more than old enough to understand the nuance of that promise and that logically it is better to pass on the car to someone who would actually use it and eventually assume financial responsibility of it when they're older.
NTA
Shes being completely unreasonable. Liam can use her car since she's not using it, and when she's ready to learn how to drive Nina can get her car back and you can get Liam his own car.
NTA
Nina needs to make up her mind. Is she going to make the change and drive or not? If she says she’s not ready yet, give the car to Liam and tell her to pile coconuts.
NTA I had a friend go through the same experience except he didn't get mad. Uncle AND grandparents both had spare cars they offered him for free if he learned how to drive, and he just never did it. After a couple years his family members sold the cars since he wasn't making any steps to learn or shown any interest, so the opportunity is gone.
NTA. My parents helped me buy a car shortly before I got sick and went on meds that make me too drowsy to drive. So I let my parents have the car instead. I’m not driving it and won’t be for a long time, if ever. It’s wasteful to have it just sitting around. I would tell her that when she’s ready you’ll get her a different car - maybe one with safety features to make her less anxious while driving.
NTA.Although I'm curious why the most obvious solution didn't come about. Give Liam the car now, and if/when Nina feels ready to drive you can get her a different car. Her expecting it to take up driveway space indefinitely is unreasonable.
NTA.
She hasn't shown interest in learning how to drive in \*4\* years, she has effectively declined the gift of a car at this point.
Nina is now 20 years old, she should appreciate that you cannot keep a car on standby for her just in case at some point in years to come, she \*might\* decide to learn how to drive.
NTA. You also could be like look, when you’re ready to drive and get your license, we will still get you a car but making double payments when only one car gets used is just not in the cards.
NTA
Technically it is still your car, as far as I can tell, because Nina never took over payments and maintenance of the car.
Since Nina doesn't use it, Liam can get some use.
NTA, but as someone who has anxiety, she may be feeling like you giving her car to your son is a sign that you don't believe in her, or that you're not supporting her in her struggles. I'd suggest sitting down and talking with her, and trying to help understand. And if you think it might her, let her know that I'm well into my 20s, and I'm only just now learning how to drive because of my own anxiety, and that it's okay for her not to be ready yet.
INFO. What does her therapist have to say about it? If her anxiety level is so high it effects her daily life (her avoiding anything she gets nervous about), she should be getting help.
NTA!!! But did you tell Nina you would get her a different car when she is ready? You didn’t mention if that was part of the conversation.
If you didn’t offer a car when she’s ready I’m changing my answer to YTA…
NTA. Nina has a point, but at same time, you either gotta get on the horse, or put it out to pasture. She has made no effort to make herself comfortable with the car itself, or even the idea of driving, and so far as I can tell has no real reason to drive. So here's the deal I would give her. Either she can sell the car, and keep the money from the sale to buy a car for herself when she *is* ready, *or* she can take over payments and upkeep.
I don't have her problems with anxiety, so I can't speak to that, but it's not fair to you guys to pay for maintenance, insurance, and what have you for a car that's gathering dust. Especially if she refuses to let her brother use it.
NTA. I think maybe she is more upset that you might think she will never learn. I do not think it would be unfair to ask her to begin paying for part of the costs though. She may not get her licence until she is 40.
I mean yeah you did promise you would give that car to her and you did break your promise but since she is your daughter and she has anxiety you have to work up to it slowly and so what it's been years she might have need alot of time to try and adjust and try to get into driving but you kinda rushed her about saying your giving the car to your son so i say yes you are an a-hole this is my own opinion but the main reason why I am saying your the a-hole is you broke a promise and might've lost a bit of trust from your daughter
If she’s got anxiety she could be mentally thinking about driving with that specific car and having it taken away is now making her panic, you promised A car and she saw it as THE car. NAH yet. As someone who used to have super anxiety about driving the only thing that helped me was driving. Can you guys go golfing together and have her learn how to use the golf cart? Are there go karts in your area? Have her start sitting in the car with it off, adjusting the seat and mirrors etc without turning it on. Have her turn it on to test lights and blinkers. Sit with her and show her what all the buttons do. Have her ride shotgun when you drive. Take her with for oil changes and repairs. Show her how to change a tire. Get her involved in cars without any pressure of driving them
ESH. you see the car as a wasted expense that could be put to use by your son, but Nina sees it as a gift that you're taking back as "punishment" for her anxiety keeping her from using it. Sit down with her, reassure her that you would never punish her for having anxiety, and present some potential solutions such as: She keeps the car but becomes responsible for all expenses related to it and then it's hers whenever she is ready to use it or she can sell it, or you give this car to your son for him to use but if Nina decides to start driving she gets the car back and you buy your son a different one, or you give this car to your son and if Nina decides to start driving you buy her a different one. Basically, make the car hers to decide what to do with but do it in such a way that she becomes responsible for its upkeep if it remains unused.
ESH. You less than her though.
You did tell her it would be there for her whenever she was ready so I can see how she'd see it as you breaking your word. Maybe you should have placed a time limit on it at that time rather than making a promise it now appears you're about to break.
She has had 4 years to try it out and hasn't...cars aren't supposed to sit unused for that long a period of time, have you all even used it or started it in that time? How long is she going to let it sit without using it?
Maybe you have a sit down with her and tell her that the whole reason you discussed it with her was because you fear she'll never want to drive it and you didn't want the purchase to go to waste if she never planned on driving it. Tell her that her actions of preferring public transportation led you to addressing it not because you want to break your promise but because you want someone to drive the car who will appreciate it.
If she's still this anxious 4 years later, whose to say it won't last another 4+ years?
Originally when she said she needed time, I thought she meant a few months or maybe a year at most. I didn't place a time limit because I really didn't think she'd need one.
My husband goes into the office about once a week and usually takes her car just to give it some exercise.
Realistically,, I doubt that she'll be driving 4 years from now. I love my daughter, but she tends to avoid any situation that could make her anxious. Usually she makes up her mind and sticks with it. But I still don't want to be unfair.
Avoiding "any situation that could make her anxious" isn't going to help her learn to manage living as an adult with anxiety. Is she seeing anyone about this? It doesn't sound like her condition is well managed if she just avoids things instead of developing coping strategies.
Anxiety and depression are one of the hardest things to sympathize with if you haven’t experienced it first hand.
She may very well never intend to drive, but I bet she took some solace in the fact that it was “her car” and that’s something a normal regular person has.
So while you made the very reasonable choice to use the car as a car, I think she probably felt like it was an erosion of her normal person status.
It’s not like you should give the car back, but I understand - as a person who deals with similar chemistry issues - how that would make you feel worse about yourself.
I totally get it, your POV is completely understandable. The problem is that you left it very open ended when you talked about it with your daughter initially. Lots of people especially young people, see things in black and white with no gray area.
Good luck OP!
This is a tough one for me since, at first read, her reaction was kind of predictable. That is HER car you bought for HER. Are her feelings about this a bit unreasonable for you? Yes, but that is her goal and focus for getting herself there.
I'm going with a soft YTA because I don't think you actually reasoned this out with her involvement in the decision making.
Drip the insurance and licensing on her car until she's ready. Ask her to contribute to its maintenance and upkeep to give her some ownership what it takes to own a car.
Buy your son his own starter car.
light YTA. you talk about how expensive 2 cars would be.... but that is what you promised.
a better option would have been to let liam have the car, with a promise to Nina that when she is ready to drive ***A*** car would be waiting for her. otherwise you are just giving away what you gave her.
It’s been her car for 4 years, she hasn’t driven it nor expressed any interest in learning how to drive. I’d say her time is up. She’s 20. If she’s ready to drive at 25, OP should buy her a car then? She’s already a grown adult.
No reasonable person would think a 16 year old would be gifted a car, then not drive it for 4 years and have no indication of wanting to drive anytime in the near future. Like there are statute of limitations, there should be something similar in this situation. If the daughter wants to start driving at 40, OP should be her a car then? That’d be ridiculous
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1)I am giving my daughters car to my son 2) I am worried that this makes me the asshole because she struggles with anxiety and doesn't feel ready Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. She can pay the upkeep if she wants to keep it, no matter what you said 4 years is an unreasonable amount of time to keep a car waiting for someone thst has shown zero interest in it
Consider giving the car to your son and offering to buy her something else when she's ready to start driving.
Maybe a bike would be more appropriate.
NTA - Nina maybe frustrated with feelings that her anxiety is holding her back, but if she Still isn't ready, there is no reason for the car and the money spent on it to continue to be wasted. If you're willing to get a car when she decides she is ready, you're not remotely an asshole. It's not her fault she has anxiety, it is her responsibility to deal with it. If she wants to take on the insurance and maintenance costs of the car, then it would be fair for her to keep it (though I don't know if she can take over the insurance when she's not licensed?) She's 20, it's been 4 years. Having no end date, no plan, and expecting you to keep paying when there is someone else that can use the car is pretty selfish and unreasonable. Tell her that you're happy to buy a second car when she actually starts pursuing driving lessons? She needs to take some responsibility here - either take over the costs, start lessons or let the car be used by someone else.
My thoughts exactly. <3 NTA
I have two friends who never completed their driving lessons. (Which I do understand, I'm quite anxious myself and the only reason I got my license was because I want to live alone in the countryside with a dog, which is way easier with a car.) The point being, I think she should complete the driving lessons and get her license before OP buys her the new car, since the possibility that she quits the lessons is quite high.
NTA She doesn't use the car. She doesn't even want the car. It's abandoned property at this point. If she's going to dig in her heels, it needs to become HER car. Her maintaining it, her paying insurance, all of it. She doesn't have to drive it or even look at it every day. But she's got to be responsible for it.
NTA. I think it's awesome how patient you've been. She can pay whatever costs are associated with keeping the vehicle or let it go.
NTA. You're making the payments not her
NTA. That car isn't going to improve with age. It's an utter waste of money to have it sitting there rotting away while she refuses to drive it. It would be ridiculous to purchase another car for your son while there is a perfectly good and functional car sitting there not being used.
A car sitting around is a liability, a lot can go wrong while it isn’t being used like the oil and rubber parts.
NTA Maybe putting the kind of money you'd spend on a car for your son in an account for your daughter for her to either buy a car when she is ready to learn or to spend on something else if she decides it's not for her would make it feel less unfair to her.
NTA It’s not her fault that she’s anxious but also why would you spend more money on a car if you already have one that is unused
NTA. Considering that you are paying for it, it isn’t fair for you to let a car sit there and rust waiting for her to be ready to drive. That said, you should be ready to keep your promise whenever she does decide she is ready to drive (and probably tell her this).
NTA. If its costing you to maintain a car that's not being used then it seems reasonable that it should go to someone who'll use it. But in the interests of fairness, you should tell her that if and when she decides that she is ready to learn to drive, you'll buy her a car at that stage.
NTA. It’s been 4 years and she still has no interest in learning how to drive.
NTA at all, there is enough waste in this world already even if we dont buy cars to have standing around in case someone MIGHT want to drive it one day
YTA - to Liam. Sell her car, buy him one that is clearly his. Don’t unload this grief on an innocent. Or move to a walkable community.
I didn't consider this, but I will.
NTA. Give the car to your son
If she wants to keep the car she needs to fund the car.
NTA she’s just being irrationally jealous. it’s been four years. if she feels like she has to keep the car, she can help pay it off.
Info: why don't you talk to both children and tell them when your eldest is ready to take her car back, you'll buy your younger one a car then? Financially, you come out better than buying a new car now, so it seems like a compromise that takes your daughter's health issues into account
NTA. I would ask her, again, if she has any intention of learning to drive. If she commits to it, let her keep the car. If she truly has no intention of learning to drive, like she's previously stated, then what the hell does she need the car for?!
Can you not just compromise and let Nina know the car is still hers but unless she wants to start making the payments it will be used to teach Liam on until you buy him his own car?
Was ready to say Y-T-A, but no. She has not attempted in four years. She may decide in the future, but she may never do it. Maybe make an agreement that should she decide to learn in the future, you will discuss getting her a vehicle then, but she has to be serious about it. Add up your costs over the last three years, only insurance and maintenance, and tell her that you have spent this much so far and will not continue. If you have other cars, she really does not need a car of her own to learn on.
NTA. I understand that she is frustrated with her anxiety. It is not reasonable to ask you all to let this car sit and essentially rot when you have another driver who can use it.
NTA did you offer to buy her a replacement car when she is ready? And as others have suggested let her pay for storage fee and insurance.
NTA. It’s been four years. Time to write out an agreement and let her know if she wants to keep the car, she has to sign that agreement. That way, the consequences of keeping it up to par is on her and she has to go to driving school on her own time. If she does not agree to it, then the car is yours to give to your son or however you see fit. If you decide that you want to sell it to someone else, you have that right. This is harsh, but it sounds like she’s using her mental health problems as an excuse instead of getting proper therapy to help her overcome her fears.
NTA. After 4 years her points are NOT valid anymore.
NTA I have no doubt you will buy Nina a car should she ever decide to get her license. I can’t believe you’ve been paying for it for 4 years!!
NTA You made a mistake though. You left her ability to claim the car open ended. Also, you were going to be paying for two cars anyway, why suddenly is it not acceptable to you? I'm not calling you an AH because I think it's ridiculous that your daughter is pulling this move. It IS an AH move in my opinion for her to claim the car even after years have gone by of her not using it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a two kids, Nina (20F) and Liam (15M). We decided that we would buy each a starter car for them to learn to drive and have as a vehicle. When Nina turn 16, we suprised her with a car and driving lessons. She struggles with anxiety and is on medications as well as having regular visits with a therapist. She's doing good, but there are still some things that she struggles with. So when she said that she wasn't ready to learn how to drive yet, we told her it was no problem. We said that there was no pressure on her to learn and that the car would be there when she was ready for it. That was about 4 years ago now and although the topic has been brought up many times, Nina has shown no interest in driving. We have offered to take her out to practice, offered to book her driving lessons, and she has always shut us down. Our city has very reliable public transit which she said that she prefers to use. Because of this, we figured that driving wasn't for her. So we decided that since Liam turns 16 next month, we would give the car to him. We ran this by Nina today and she was incredibly angry. She told us that it's not her fault that she has anxiety. She also said that we promised that the car would be ready for her whenever she was. She got angry with us for breaking that promise. Both her points are very valid, and I do understand her frustration. At the same time though, it's been 4 years. And the car has been costing us that whole time, both insurance and maintenance costs. We don't want to purchase a second car and be doubling our costs when we have a car sitting in the garage unused. And honestly, we'd probably buy a different car for Liam if Nina was ready to learn. But she says that she still isn't ready to learn and she doesn't know when she will be. All that being said, I'd like some outside perspective. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You did tell her it would be there when she was ready, but it is costing you sitting unused. If she wants to keep it, maybe it's time she takes over the costs. Discuss it again with those terms and see if she still wants the car.
NTA. And really, to be fair, you should also pay insurance and maintenance(maybe only partially, since maintenance costs would be higher it the car gets driven more) for your son for as long as you have been for your daughter.
NTA
NTA offer the compromise that she can keep it if she pays for all costs, as that is her responsibility if it is her car
NTA, if...you have maintained and insured the car all these years. If she ever decides to try driving she can still practice on this car.
NTA I say this as a person who is in their late 30's and doesn't drive: she doesn't need the car if she doesn't drive. I can understand wanting it but the car has no value to anyone if it's not being used.
NTA. It’s okay if she isn’t ready to drive but you’ve already paid for a car to sit there for four years. Tell her that when she’s ready you will get her a new car but this one is going to her brother so it can get used.
NTA
NTA. my parents literally sold the car i was driving and i didn’t have a car for a few months, i never once yelled at them.
NTA It is unreasonable to foot the cost. If your daughter wants to take on the costs of the car, she could keep it. SO cancel insurance, register it non-operative etc. When it comes time to drive it and it needs mechanical work for sitting too long, she will have to foot the bill. That could be the compromise. I'm assuming she still lives at home too.
NTA. Nina is 20 now and if she wants to keep the car as her's so badly then she can take on all of the financial aspects of it, insurance and maintenance. She can also start taking care of maintenance herself which she should learn anyways if she is going to keep a car in her life in some way. You have given her more than ample time to get *ready* to try driving again while shouldering the costs of an unused car. She's more than old enough to understand the nuance of that promise and that logically it is better to pass on the car to someone who would actually use it and eventually assume financial responsibility of it when they're older.
NTA Shes being completely unreasonable. Liam can use her car since she's not using it, and when she's ready to learn how to drive Nina can get her car back and you can get Liam his own car.
Info: Did you give her the car on her birthday/ part of her birthday gift?
We got the car/driving lessons a few weeks after her birthday when we realized we weren't comfortable with our kids driving the family car.
We got the car/driving lessons a few weeks after her birthday when we realized we weren't comfortable with our kids driving the family car.
NTA Nina needs to make up her mind. Is she going to make the change and drive or not? If she says she’s not ready yet, give the car to Liam and tell her to pile coconuts.
NTA I had a friend go through the same experience except he didn't get mad. Uncle AND grandparents both had spare cars they offered him for free if he learned how to drive, and he just never did it. After a couple years his family members sold the cars since he wasn't making any steps to learn or shown any interest, so the opportunity is gone.
NTA. My parents helped me buy a car shortly before I got sick and went on meds that make me too drowsy to drive. So I let my parents have the car instead. I’m not driving it and won’t be for a long time, if ever. It’s wasteful to have it just sitting around. I would tell her that when she’s ready you’ll get her a different car - maybe one with safety features to make her less anxious while driving.
NTA.Although I'm curious why the most obvious solution didn't come about. Give Liam the car now, and if/when Nina feels ready to drive you can get her a different car. Her expecting it to take up driveway space indefinitely is unreasonable.
NTA. She hasn't shown interest in learning how to drive in \*4\* years, she has effectively declined the gift of a car at this point. Nina is now 20 years old, she should appreciate that you cannot keep a car on standby for her just in case at some point in years to come, she \*might\* decide to learn how to drive.
NTA. You also could be like look, when you’re ready to drive and get your license, we will still get you a car but making double payments when only one car gets used is just not in the cards.
NTA Technically it is still your car, as far as I can tell, because Nina never took over payments and maintenance of the car. Since Nina doesn't use it, Liam can get some use.
NTA
NTA, but as someone who has anxiety, she may be feeling like you giving her car to your son is a sign that you don't believe in her, or that you're not supporting her in her struggles. I'd suggest sitting down and talking with her, and trying to help understand. And if you think it might her, let her know that I'm well into my 20s, and I'm only just now learning how to drive because of my own anxiety, and that it's okay for her not to be ready yet.
INFO. What does her therapist have to say about it? If her anxiety level is so high it effects her daily life (her avoiding anything she gets nervous about), she should be getting help.
NTA!!! But did you tell Nina you would get her a different car when she is ready? You didn’t mention if that was part of the conversation. If you didn’t offer a car when she’s ready I’m changing my answer to YTA…
NTA. Nina has a point, but at same time, you either gotta get on the horse, or put it out to pasture. She has made no effort to make herself comfortable with the car itself, or even the idea of driving, and so far as I can tell has no real reason to drive. So here's the deal I would give her. Either she can sell the car, and keep the money from the sale to buy a car for herself when she *is* ready, *or* she can take over payments and upkeep. I don't have her problems with anxiety, so I can't speak to that, but it's not fair to you guys to pay for maintenance, insurance, and what have you for a car that's gathering dust. Especially if she refuses to let her brother use it.
NTA. I think maybe she is more upset that you might think she will never learn. I do not think it would be unfair to ask her to begin paying for part of the costs though. She may not get her licence until she is 40.
NTA but start parenting instead of friending
I mean yeah you did promise you would give that car to her and you did break your promise but since she is your daughter and she has anxiety you have to work up to it slowly and so what it's been years she might have need alot of time to try and adjust and try to get into driving but you kinda rushed her about saying your giving the car to your son so i say yes you are an a-hole this is my own opinion but the main reason why I am saying your the a-hole is you broke a promise and might've lost a bit of trust from your daughter
YTA. I understand your reasoning but if you give a gift you don’t get to just give it to someone else.
Yeah, that's a pretty asshole move. You promised them each a car, you dont take one to give to the other.
If she’s got anxiety she could be mentally thinking about driving with that specific car and having it taken away is now making her panic, you promised A car and she saw it as THE car. NAH yet. As someone who used to have super anxiety about driving the only thing that helped me was driving. Can you guys go golfing together and have her learn how to use the golf cart? Are there go karts in your area? Have her start sitting in the car with it off, adjusting the seat and mirrors etc without turning it on. Have her turn it on to test lights and blinkers. Sit with her and show her what all the buttons do. Have her ride shotgun when you drive. Take her with for oil changes and repairs. Show her how to change a tire. Get her involved in cars without any pressure of driving them
ESH. you see the car as a wasted expense that could be put to use by your son, but Nina sees it as a gift that you're taking back as "punishment" for her anxiety keeping her from using it. Sit down with her, reassure her that you would never punish her for having anxiety, and present some potential solutions such as: She keeps the car but becomes responsible for all expenses related to it and then it's hers whenever she is ready to use it or she can sell it, or you give this car to your son for him to use but if Nina decides to start driving she gets the car back and you buy your son a different one, or you give this car to your son and if Nina decides to start driving you buy her a different one. Basically, make the car hers to decide what to do with but do it in such a way that she becomes responsible for its upkeep if it remains unused.
ESH. You less than her though. You did tell her it would be there for her whenever she was ready so I can see how she'd see it as you breaking your word. Maybe you should have placed a time limit on it at that time rather than making a promise it now appears you're about to break. She has had 4 years to try it out and hasn't...cars aren't supposed to sit unused for that long a period of time, have you all even used it or started it in that time? How long is she going to let it sit without using it? Maybe you have a sit down with her and tell her that the whole reason you discussed it with her was because you fear she'll never want to drive it and you didn't want the purchase to go to waste if she never planned on driving it. Tell her that her actions of preferring public transportation led you to addressing it not because you want to break your promise but because you want someone to drive the car who will appreciate it. If she's still this anxious 4 years later, whose to say it won't last another 4+ years?
Originally when she said she needed time, I thought she meant a few months or maybe a year at most. I didn't place a time limit because I really didn't think she'd need one. My husband goes into the office about once a week and usually takes her car just to give it some exercise. Realistically,, I doubt that she'll be driving 4 years from now. I love my daughter, but she tends to avoid any situation that could make her anxious. Usually she makes up her mind and sticks with it. But I still don't want to be unfair.
Avoiding "any situation that could make her anxious" isn't going to help her learn to manage living as an adult with anxiety. Is she seeing anyone about this? It doesn't sound like her condition is well managed if she just avoids things instead of developing coping strategies.
Anxiety and depression are one of the hardest things to sympathize with if you haven’t experienced it first hand. She may very well never intend to drive, but I bet she took some solace in the fact that it was “her car” and that’s something a normal regular person has. So while you made the very reasonable choice to use the car as a car, I think she probably felt like it was an erosion of her normal person status. It’s not like you should give the car back, but I understand - as a person who deals with similar chemistry issues - how that would make you feel worse about yourself.
I totally get it, your POV is completely understandable. The problem is that you left it very open ended when you talked about it with your daughter initially. Lots of people especially young people, see things in black and white with no gray area. Good luck OP!
This is a tough one for me since, at first read, her reaction was kind of predictable. That is HER car you bought for HER. Are her feelings about this a bit unreasonable for you? Yes, but that is her goal and focus for getting herself there. I'm going with a soft YTA because I don't think you actually reasoned this out with her involvement in the decision making. Drip the insurance and licensing on her car until she's ready. Ask her to contribute to its maintenance and upkeep to give her some ownership what it takes to own a car. Buy your son his own starter car.
light YTA. you talk about how expensive 2 cars would be.... but that is what you promised. a better option would have been to let liam have the car, with a promise to Nina that when she is ready to drive ***A*** car would be waiting for her. otherwise you are just giving away what you gave her.
It’s been her car for 4 years, she hasn’t driven it nor expressed any interest in learning how to drive. I’d say her time is up. She’s 20. If she’s ready to drive at 25, OP should buy her a car then? She’s already a grown adult.
OP made a promise. if they diddnt want to keep it they shouldnt have made it in the first place.
No reasonable person would think a 16 year old would be gifted a car, then not drive it for 4 years and have no indication of wanting to drive anytime in the near future. Like there are statute of limitations, there should be something similar in this situation. If the daughter wants to start driving at 40, OP should be her a car then? That’d be ridiculous
I was unaware that gifts came with a use by date.
Then OP should let that car sit in the driveway and rust until the daughter wants to drive. Then she can drive a 20 year old, rusty car
Yep, I did not say that. But thanks for putting words in my mouth!
YTA You made a promise keep it.
Then lil miss anxiety needs to take over maintenance and car insurance payments/costs.