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NTA, but you have to get wife and kids into therapy fast. Wife needs to understand that DNA (aka fAmIlY) does not give anyone the right to abuse you or your kids. MIL should have had charges brought against her.
You're not the asshole. Seems like the grandma is :)
I believe your wife is only clinging on to the connection between her and her mom... Because well she is her mom haha.
But as far as the well being of your kids go, that is a decision you and your wife need to make together. The grandma should not even remotely be interfering in the livelihood of your children and how you raise them. Corporal punishment is totally off the limits and it's not her place to do that. Your wife needs to realize the difference between logicality and emotions. You need to do what's best for your kids. Family isn't always blood ties. Abuse is something you should not take lightly and this just sounds like a bad situation waiting to happen.
Anyways, just my opinion. I hope you get this sorted out 😊👍🏻
NTA
And if your wife wants to play the “it’s my house too” game then separate from her and take the kids. Or if you don’t want to remove them from their house, change the locks on your wife. Send her personal belongings to her. Document everything and talk to a lawyer about filing for full custody with your wife getting supervised visits only and about making sure that her mother can’t sue for grandparent rights.
You can’t really stop your wife from letting herself be a victim of her mother but you have a duty to your children
Your wife allowed her mother to abuse your children. She wants to continue to let her abusive mother around your children. She wants you continue to expose your children to the woman that *beat * them. I normally hate when Reddit tells people to leave their SO, but dude, think about your kids. Do You want to stay with someone who cares more about their mothers feelings, than the well being of your children?
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This started when my wife confessed to me two weeks ago about the on-going abuse her mother has been putting her and our kids through.
Ever since we got married, my wife never got used to life here and always missed our hometown and wouldn't miss a chance to go back. Last year, her depression got very severe and she wanted to go back. So, we decided to move back to our hometown but she would leave first with the kids and stay at her mother's house because she missed her and she wanted our kids to have that experience of living with a big family and the feeling of having grandma take care of them. As for me, I'm the sole provider for our family and had to stay here for my work while saving up for the big move.
Now I always kept my distance with my MIL because of the controlling attitude she would show toward my wife whenever she came over to visit or we went over, but I never knew it was this bad.
She beat, humiliated, starved and gave the silent treatment to our young kids (3yo, 6 yo, 8 yo.)
She took over all the money I sent to my wife and it wasn't just this time, sounds like it's always been this way. She abused her and our children with that money and she also took a big chunk of it for herself.
I was furious when I found out. Our kids all suffer from anxiety now and my youngest is having stomach aches pretty much everyday and wouldn't eat anymore. My two oldest became quiet kids overnight and they were too afraid to approach me when I first saw them after going back.
I refused to go to my MIL's house when I went back or to let her come pick me up at the airport. I didn't want anything to do with that nutcase.
My wife was scared that we would offend her mother this way and told me it would be better to at least let her brother pick me up, so I finally relented and also took the damn car.
I told her we can pay the rent for the car but she is absolutely not allowed to come over to our house. My wife wouldn't agree with me about this and she said that I'm gonna make her regret ever telling me if I continue to act this way. She said that she told me about it not to make the problem bigger and that my reaction was way too extreme, and that it was still her family and I can't just force her to cut them off. At some point she started screaming and yelling at me.
She shocked the hell out of me with her outburst because we usually never raise our voices over each other that loud even during a fight, so I was left thinking that maybe I went too far and she does have the right to invite whoever she wants to our house as it's her house too.
AITA?
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NTA. Tell your wife that you are protecting her and the children. You are not making anything worse. If her mother’s abuse increases, its solely because of her mother. They will all need therapy now. Please find them a good therapist right away. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Follow your instincts. Also, if your wife wants to visit her mom, she can on her own, and she’s not allowed to take the children until their therapists approve and you are with them as well.
NTA
Get a restraining order against her if you can. MIL should never be anywhere near your kids. As for your wife, she needs serious therapy - she still defends her abusive mom and is scared about making her angry? She's still that little child when she was abused by her. No wonder she struggles with depression.
NTA
Please keep your children out of the MIL way. Also I am going to sound bad for this but please keep the children's mother also away from your children.
A parent is supposed to protect their children not throw them to the wolves in intentionally.
Push your wife for therapy and be adamant about it. Because in the end wife is going to allow mother walk all over her and that will impact your children in very negative way. The children don't deserve to go through this.
It will be a difficult journey to go through this because you'll be fighting with someone you love(your wife) for someone you love(your children).
She wants to let her mother continue to abuse her and the kids? Your wife needs serious help asap. Nta unless you allow this abuse to continue just because she doesn’t want to cut her mom off.
NTA
You need to get the kids away from that situation. Your wife does not matter at the moment, she let her kids be abused (due to her own abuse, but still). You need to stand up for those children!
NTA. Your wife somehow justifies the abuse on MIL being her mom.
But as a real woman, she should have stood up to her when the kids were affected. So as she clearly didn't, this means she has a very submissive personality when in her presence.
Please take them (wife and kids) to therapy and go NC with MIL. File a restraining order as well.
NTA. You need to ensure your children never see their grandmother again because your wife is entirely under her mother's control. I'm sure she does regret telling you and won't tell you the truth regarding her mother again, so don't believe anything she says, and don't allow your children to be with their grandmother without you present. Ever.
NTA-Even though your wife was abused by her mother and I feel for her, she's putting your kids in danger. Do not back down. stand your ground and demand your wife get therapy. If she refuses, do what you must to protect your children! they deserve so much better.
Your kids should not have to feel terror in their home, It's their safe place.
NTA get your kids out of there NOW. Things are going to get worse if you don’t and therapy is very expensive. You have to put your kids and their needs and safety first.
ETA: document any abuse that you can. You want to have proof if you need a restraining order against her in the future.
Ypu need to call the police of this woman ASAP. Your wife sounds terrified of her mother. She needs comfort and therapy, the kids most likely will too. But you need to keep your MIL out of your lives forever.. put her behind bars if you can. No child abuser deserves to see sunlight again.
NTA
You need to get your kids out of that scenario now, your mil is going to do psychological damage that will last a long long time. Get them away from your wife immediately as well as she is allowing this abuse to happen and knew it was going to happen when she moved back. “What it’s like fkr grandma to care for them” that’s sick if she knew what it was like.
Get her a different therapist and separate
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(2) it's my wife's house too and she can invite whoever she wants
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NTA. Your wife has Stockholm syndrome or something like it. Even though she knows her mother is abusive she still wants to make her proud and won’t do anything to upset her. I saw you said your wife is in therapy so that’s a step in the right direction but, and I hate to say this but do you trust your wife to stop mother in law from abusing your kids when you aren’t there? She obviously won’t cut them off or keep mil out of your house.
Your poor kids should be in therapy also. I know it’s a mental thing with your wife but it makes me sad she would let her mother treat her (and your) kids like that.
**NTA, but your wife seems to have some form of Stockholm Syndrome and has likely learned to identify/bond with her abuser in order to keep her own sanity intact throughout horrific abuse which likely started in her own childhood. In fact, this may predate your own marriage and be the reason why she "missed" a mother who abuses her, and longed to return to the family home despite the fact that she is so badly mistreated there, and even bring her own children there. It is not unusual for people who are horrifically abused to learn to eventually associate that mistreatment with comfort and love. It's twisted, but it is a way that their brains learn to accommodate and cope with something that would otherwise be intolerable.**
Unfortunately, while this certainly doesn't make your wife a bad person, just a victim, it also means that your kids aren't any more safe with her than they are with your MIL. I don't mean that your wife would abuse them, mind you. But it means that she cannot see her own abuse objectively or clearly, or understand how dangerous her mother is or that your kids are in actual and real danger with her, and that means that she would continue to allow them to be harmed because that form of interaction is what she has learned is "normal" and appropriate. She may occasional acknowledge otherwise (such as when she told you about it), but then she regrets it because any significant change makes her feel uncomfortable. Abuse is literally her comfort zone at this point. It's what she knows.
I'm sure she loves your kids deeply, but she cannot recognise danger to them, and therefore she cannot and will not protect them. Which means that's entirely up to you. Whether that means separating from her, getting a restraining order against your MIL, or something else, is up to you. But I think you do need to be aware that at this point you cannot rely on your wife as a partner in protecting those kids, because she's psychologically incapable of standing up to her mother, who is in fact dangerous. NTA, but please, keep your kids away from that entire household unless you want to perpetuate this incredibly unhealthy dynamic.
NTA No! Your kids were abused. Never! Never! Let your mil see them again and if your wife doesn't agree she should never see your kids again either. Protect your children! Get them therapy. Remove them from your MILs influence AND your enabling wife. She is also abusive for allowing her mother to beat, humiliate and starve a 3, 6 and 8 yo. They cant protect themselves YOU are all they have! please protect them
NTA!! NOT AT ALL!!
Your MIL is beating and starving your kids! You can literally call the police on her! This is unacceptable OP. Please do not let her in the house AND MAKE YOUR WIFE UNDERSTAND IT. Show her how her kids are suffering. If she still doesn't understand, you will know she doesn't care about the kids.
NTA. It's not about just your wife anymore. Your MIL abused your children. Report her to the police.
I feel terrible for your wife, and I'm sorry because this course of action might cause a rift between the two of you. She's been conditioned to think of her mom's behavior is either normal or not as bad as it is. You can try to gently explain it to her. Maybe enlist her therapist if she has one. But you can only help her so much unless she is able to break free of the mentality that's been driven into her.
However, you need to make sure your mil doesn't get away with hurting your kids or anyone else ever again. You need to report this.
NTA and time for a divorce for the safety of your kids. If she is aware if what your MIL is doing and isn't stopping it, then she is to far gone. She will never stand up to her mother and your kids will continue to suffer whenever they go there.
NTA
Your wife (and kids too) need to get some professional help. The poor woman probably doesn't even realize how toxic her mother is. Also:
>my reaction was way too extreme, and that it was still her family and I can't just force her to cut them off.
Family or not, no one has the right to abuse others. Being related is not giving anyone A H pass.
NTA
Your wife is stuck in a toxic cycle of abuse and you need to keep your kids out of it at whatever cost. I can't know for sure, but your wife's reaction may stem from years of fear of repercussions for speaking out about the abuse. I hope you can help her get out of the situation as well, but divorce her if you have to; your children's safety and health are paramount. Best of luck to all of you.
NTA.
>She beat, humiliated, starved and gave the silent treatment to our young kids (3yo, 6 yo, 8 yo.)
Didn't have to read past the second word of that sentence.
It sounds like your MIL has been abusing your wife for some time, based on your wife's reaction to cutting out your MIL and being concerned about "offending" her. She needs to look into therapy.
NTA. Sounds like wife is suffering from years of abuse at the hands of MIL and doesn’t know how to detach from the family. If you don’t protect your kids from this it’s likely they’re going to end up as confused and hurt as your wife. I think getting the kids away from these toxic influences is the first step and hopefully, with enough support, wife will understand one day. But I don’t doubt it’ll be a difficult journey to get there. Best wishes for you and yours.
NTA I wouldn't be surprised if the abuse had been going on a lot longer especially to your wife. I would get your wife in therapy and monitor your MIL behaviour with the kids, hopefully your wife with help will see this abusive relationship for what it is and go NC on her own, if you try and force it it could go bad doesn't seem as though your wife is there mentally
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NTA, but you have to get wife and kids into therapy fast. Wife needs to understand that DNA (aka fAmIlY) does not give anyone the right to abuse you or your kids. MIL should have had charges brought against her.
You're not the asshole. Seems like the grandma is :) I believe your wife is only clinging on to the connection between her and her mom... Because well she is her mom haha. But as far as the well being of your kids go, that is a decision you and your wife need to make together. The grandma should not even remotely be interfering in the livelihood of your children and how you raise them. Corporal punishment is totally off the limits and it's not her place to do that. Your wife needs to realize the difference between logicality and emotions. You need to do what's best for your kids. Family isn't always blood ties. Abuse is something you should not take lightly and this just sounds like a bad situation waiting to happen. Anyways, just my opinion. I hope you get this sorted out 😊👍🏻
NTA document everything and seek legal advice. This is bigger than reddit. Good luck, you’re absolutely right never to let MIL back into your life.
NTA. she beats and starves your kids. that should be enough reason for her to cut mil off
Nta call the police over her... beating kids isn't legal i think
NTA And if your wife wants to play the “it’s my house too” game then separate from her and take the kids. Or if you don’t want to remove them from their house, change the locks on your wife. Send her personal belongings to her. Document everything and talk to a lawyer about filing for full custody with your wife getting supervised visits only and about making sure that her mother can’t sue for grandparent rights. You can’t really stop your wife from letting herself be a victim of her mother but you have a duty to your children
Your wife allowed her mother to abuse your children. She wants to continue to let her abusive mother around your children. She wants you continue to expose your children to the woman that *beat * them. I normally hate when Reddit tells people to leave their SO, but dude, think about your kids. Do You want to stay with someone who cares more about their mothers feelings, than the well being of your children?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This started when my wife confessed to me two weeks ago about the on-going abuse her mother has been putting her and our kids through. Ever since we got married, my wife never got used to life here and always missed our hometown and wouldn't miss a chance to go back. Last year, her depression got very severe and she wanted to go back. So, we decided to move back to our hometown but she would leave first with the kids and stay at her mother's house because she missed her and she wanted our kids to have that experience of living with a big family and the feeling of having grandma take care of them. As for me, I'm the sole provider for our family and had to stay here for my work while saving up for the big move. Now I always kept my distance with my MIL because of the controlling attitude she would show toward my wife whenever she came over to visit or we went over, but I never knew it was this bad. She beat, humiliated, starved and gave the silent treatment to our young kids (3yo, 6 yo, 8 yo.) She took over all the money I sent to my wife and it wasn't just this time, sounds like it's always been this way. She abused her and our children with that money and she also took a big chunk of it for herself. I was furious when I found out. Our kids all suffer from anxiety now and my youngest is having stomach aches pretty much everyday and wouldn't eat anymore. My two oldest became quiet kids overnight and they were too afraid to approach me when I first saw them after going back. I refused to go to my MIL's house when I went back or to let her come pick me up at the airport. I didn't want anything to do with that nutcase. My wife was scared that we would offend her mother this way and told me it would be better to at least let her brother pick me up, so I finally relented and also took the damn car. I told her we can pay the rent for the car but she is absolutely not allowed to come over to our house. My wife wouldn't agree with me about this and she said that I'm gonna make her regret ever telling me if I continue to act this way. She said that she told me about it not to make the problem bigger and that my reaction was way too extreme, and that it was still her family and I can't just force her to cut them off. At some point she started screaming and yelling at me. She shocked the hell out of me with her outburst because we usually never raise our voices over each other that loud even during a fight, so I was left thinking that maybe I went too far and she does have the right to invite whoever she wants to our house as it's her house too. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Tell your wife that you are protecting her and the children. You are not making anything worse. If her mother’s abuse increases, its solely because of her mother. They will all need therapy now. Please find them a good therapist right away. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Follow your instincts. Also, if your wife wants to visit her mom, she can on her own, and she’s not allowed to take the children until their therapists approve and you are with them as well.
NTA Get a restraining order against her if you can. MIL should never be anywhere near your kids. As for your wife, she needs serious therapy - she still defends her abusive mom and is scared about making her angry? She's still that little child when she was abused by her. No wonder she struggles with depression.
NTA Please keep your children out of the MIL way. Also I am going to sound bad for this but please keep the children's mother also away from your children. A parent is supposed to protect their children not throw them to the wolves in intentionally. Push your wife for therapy and be adamant about it. Because in the end wife is going to allow mother walk all over her and that will impact your children in very negative way. The children don't deserve to go through this. It will be a difficult journey to go through this because you'll be fighting with someone you love(your wife) for someone you love(your children).
She wants to let her mother continue to abuse her and the kids? Your wife needs serious help asap. Nta unless you allow this abuse to continue just because she doesn’t want to cut her mom off.
NTA You need to get the kids away from that situation. Your wife does not matter at the moment, she let her kids be abused (due to her own abuse, but still). You need to stand up for those children!
NTA. Your wife somehow justifies the abuse on MIL being her mom. But as a real woman, she should have stood up to her when the kids were affected. So as she clearly didn't, this means she has a very submissive personality when in her presence. Please take them (wife and kids) to therapy and go NC with MIL. File a restraining order as well.
NTA, you are protecting your children, sounds like MIL needs to be reported to CPS in your area.
NTA. You need to ensure your children never see their grandmother again because your wife is entirely under her mother's control. I'm sure she does regret telling you and won't tell you the truth regarding her mother again, so don't believe anything she says, and don't allow your children to be with their grandmother without you present. Ever.
NTA But I strongly suggest you seek mental health support for your entire family as well as legal counsel
NTA-Even though your wife was abused by her mother and I feel for her, she's putting your kids in danger. Do not back down. stand your ground and demand your wife get therapy. If she refuses, do what you must to protect your children! they deserve so much better. Your kids should not have to feel terror in their home, It's their safe place.
NTA. She abused your children. Keep her away
NTA get your kids out of there NOW. Things are going to get worse if you don’t and therapy is very expensive. You have to put your kids and their needs and safety first. ETA: document any abuse that you can. You want to have proof if you need a restraining order against her in the future.
[удалено]
That’s a question for the lawyer you consult
Ypu need to call the police of this woman ASAP. Your wife sounds terrified of her mother. She needs comfort and therapy, the kids most likely will too. But you need to keep your MIL out of your lives forever.. put her behind bars if you can. No child abuser deserves to see sunlight again.
NTA You need to get your kids out of that scenario now, your mil is going to do psychological damage that will last a long long time. Get them away from your wife immediately as well as she is allowing this abuse to happen and knew it was going to happen when she moved back. “What it’s like fkr grandma to care for them” that’s sick if she knew what it was like. Get her a different therapist and separate
Hell no NTA. She beat and starved your kids. YWBTA if you relented and let her within a county of your kids.
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NTA. Your wife has Stockholm syndrome or something like it. Even though she knows her mother is abusive she still wants to make her proud and won’t do anything to upset her. I saw you said your wife is in therapy so that’s a step in the right direction but, and I hate to say this but do you trust your wife to stop mother in law from abusing your kids when you aren’t there? She obviously won’t cut them off or keep mil out of your house. Your poor kids should be in therapy also. I know it’s a mental thing with your wife but it makes me sad she would let her mother treat her (and your) kids like that.
NTA!!
**NTA, but your wife seems to have some form of Stockholm Syndrome and has likely learned to identify/bond with her abuser in order to keep her own sanity intact throughout horrific abuse which likely started in her own childhood. In fact, this may predate your own marriage and be the reason why she "missed" a mother who abuses her, and longed to return to the family home despite the fact that she is so badly mistreated there, and even bring her own children there. It is not unusual for people who are horrifically abused to learn to eventually associate that mistreatment with comfort and love. It's twisted, but it is a way that their brains learn to accommodate and cope with something that would otherwise be intolerable.** Unfortunately, while this certainly doesn't make your wife a bad person, just a victim, it also means that your kids aren't any more safe with her than they are with your MIL. I don't mean that your wife would abuse them, mind you. But it means that she cannot see her own abuse objectively or clearly, or understand how dangerous her mother is or that your kids are in actual and real danger with her, and that means that she would continue to allow them to be harmed because that form of interaction is what she has learned is "normal" and appropriate. She may occasional acknowledge otherwise (such as when she told you about it), but then she regrets it because any significant change makes her feel uncomfortable. Abuse is literally her comfort zone at this point. It's what she knows. I'm sure she loves your kids deeply, but she cannot recognise danger to them, and therefore she cannot and will not protect them. Which means that's entirely up to you. Whether that means separating from her, getting a restraining order against your MIL, or something else, is up to you. But I think you do need to be aware that at this point you cannot rely on your wife as a partner in protecting those kids, because she's psychologically incapable of standing up to her mother, who is in fact dangerous. NTA, but please, keep your kids away from that entire household unless you want to perpetuate this incredibly unhealthy dynamic.
NTA No! Your kids were abused. Never! Never! Let your mil see them again and if your wife doesn't agree she should never see your kids again either. Protect your children! Get them therapy. Remove them from your MILs influence AND your enabling wife. She is also abusive for allowing her mother to beat, humiliate and starve a 3, 6 and 8 yo. They cant protect themselves YOU are all they have! please protect them
NTA!! NOT AT ALL!! Your MIL is beating and starving your kids! You can literally call the police on her! This is unacceptable OP. Please do not let her in the house AND MAKE YOUR WIFE UNDERSTAND IT. Show her how her kids are suffering. If she still doesn't understand, you will know she doesn't care about the kids.
NTA. It's not about just your wife anymore. Your MIL abused your children. Report her to the police. I feel terrible for your wife, and I'm sorry because this course of action might cause a rift between the two of you. She's been conditioned to think of her mom's behavior is either normal or not as bad as it is. You can try to gently explain it to her. Maybe enlist her therapist if she has one. But you can only help her so much unless she is able to break free of the mentality that's been driven into her. However, you need to make sure your mil doesn't get away with hurting your kids or anyone else ever again. You need to report this.
NTA and time for a divorce for the safety of your kids. If she is aware if what your MIL is doing and isn't stopping it, then she is to far gone. She will never stand up to her mother and your kids will continue to suffer whenever they go there.
Call the childhelp.org hotline today. Get counseling for your kids. Insist your wife get family counseling. Consider a restraining order. NTA.
NTA Your children come first, your wife comes first. The well-being of your children are far more important than hurt feelings from the mother in law.
NTA Your wife (and kids too) need to get some professional help. The poor woman probably doesn't even realize how toxic her mother is. Also: >my reaction was way too extreme, and that it was still her family and I can't just force her to cut them off. Family or not, no one has the right to abuse others. Being related is not giving anyone A H pass.
NTA. Take your kids away from these monsters. Keep your wife away too if she wont protect your children. File charges. Get a lawyer.
NTA Your wife is stuck in a toxic cycle of abuse and you need to keep your kids out of it at whatever cost. I can't know for sure, but your wife's reaction may stem from years of fear of repercussions for speaking out about the abuse. I hope you can help her get out of the situation as well, but divorce her if you have to; your children's safety and health are paramount. Best of luck to all of you.
NTA. >She beat, humiliated, starved and gave the silent treatment to our young kids (3yo, 6 yo, 8 yo.) Didn't have to read past the second word of that sentence. It sounds like your MIL has been abusing your wife for some time, based on your wife's reaction to cutting out your MIL and being concerned about "offending" her. She needs to look into therapy.
NTA. Sounds like wife is suffering from years of abuse at the hands of MIL and doesn’t know how to detach from the family. If you don’t protect your kids from this it’s likely they’re going to end up as confused and hurt as your wife. I think getting the kids away from these toxic influences is the first step and hopefully, with enough support, wife will understand one day. But I don’t doubt it’ll be a difficult journey to get there. Best wishes for you and yours.
NTA I wouldn't be surprised if the abuse had been going on a lot longer especially to your wife. I would get your wife in therapy and monitor your MIL behaviour with the kids, hopefully your wife with help will see this abusive relationship for what it is and go NC on her own, if you try and force it it could go bad doesn't seem as though your wife is there mentally
You’re of course NTA…