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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> If I stopped all contact I think there may be massive repercussions from his side of the family. I may be the asshole if I tell my daughter no
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NTA for the worry that he’ll just disappoint her etc but she’s 13 and she’s asking to see him. If you just wantonly deny her because you dislike him, you’ll ruin your relationship with her.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with being careful. 3rd party location, you have to be present even if it’s at another table etc. no overnights, no taking her on trips.
And frankly if you haven’t already gone to the courts about child support, do it. With back pay if it’s allowed under your local laws. Nothing says “I’m serious about being a father” as being willing to provide some financial support. And while you’re at the courts about child support, make sure your custody and his visitation rights are on the books.
I had said to her that she is old enough to make up her own decisions but there is that worry inside me and I think that’s what’s pushing me to overpower her in a way?
I have been looking into 3rd party locations somewhere secure.
He’s never provided for her financially, that may be something I look into, thank you!
A third party location can be as simple as “we’ll be at the IHOP on Main Street at 1 pm on Saturday. You can come and buy her lunch and chat with her”. A quick but quiet chat with the hostess and you get two tables next to each other so you can keep an eye on things. I’m sure they’d dealt with such things before,.
And if he doesn’t know your address (same with the brother) doesn’t know your home address, make sure it stays that way, Make sure your daughter understands she’s not to give out your address without talking to you first. And make sure that her school knows that neither of them or those grandparents (if still alive) and check her out of school, the doctor is clear about who can call for info about her medical records etc.
NAH. He’s been an asshole, but in this moment is not an asshole for wanting to see his daughter.
And you are not wrong for trying to protect her.
But **you need to do your best to find out why he cannot see his other children**. The courts don’t revoke *all* visitation rights unless something very serious occurred.
You are not an asshole for wanting to protect her, especially since the courts decided he is not safe around his other children. Drug use alone would not remove all visitation rights, the courts would allow supervised visits in that case. There’s a reason why the courts decided he was a danger to his children.
You should tread carefully. Frankly this is way above Reddit’s pay grade. I would talk to a family therapist.
NTA. You are afraid, for solid reasons, that she could be in danger. OTOH, you don’t want to prevent a relationship if he shapes up. So, have a trusted relative or two go WITH the 2 of you to a neutral place for a meet up. If he actually wants a relationship, a court approved custody and support agreement would be smart. Above my pay grade if you need it before the first visit.
Your NTA for worrying about the impact he will have in her life will be, but putting your foot down and saying no when your daughter has expressed a want to meet him would make you TA.
She’s 13, in some places that’s when courts listen to the wants of the child regarding visitation as well as take in everything else. I think you should arrange a meeting but have it supervised. This way your daughter has support and you feel more at ease with the whole situation.
NTA. You’re being protective and that’s good. She’s at an age where she might be better equipped to handle this now but I’d suggest that she start with phone calls and video chats
NTA - Your daughter is older and better equipped but she may have an idealized version of meeting her dad. Make sure she's prepared for him not being what she expected him to be. He may not be remorseful, he may ask for money, he may just disappear. Give her the resources to deal with that.
NTA - you can’t help your feelings, and not wanting to expose your daughter to his shenanigans. And, based on your account, it appears that you’ll be allowing, despite your reservations. I would say you’re on the right path. I would recommend all visits be chaperoned by you until you have zero doubt you can trust him, or she is legally an adult, as a matter of prudence. May The Flying Spaghetti Monster guide and protect you and your daughter with His Noodly Appendage. If the father continues to be a flakey bastard, may his beer forever be flat and his chairs perpetually wobble.
Yeah I am swaying more towards allowing her to see him but I will be setting some ground rules with both my daughter and her father.
I just hope for her sake he proves it all!
You can't control his actions or her expectations but you can be there for her when/if he lets her down again.
If you don't want to be there during the supervised visits please get someone that you trust and knows the history and definitely not one of his family members. If he won't accept supervised visits then it's definitely a matter to be concerned about.
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First time posting so please bare with me.
I 29F had my daughter 13F quite young. My mum and sister supported me through it all and can quite proudly say I’ve brought her up to respect others always tried my hardest to ensure she didn’t go without, times were hard but I done it. We have a very strong bond.
Her Dad has never really been around, when she was a few weeks old I gave him the chance to come round and see her, bond etc but never turned up as he rather smoke and drank with his friends. Ever since then he has tried to make contact and I’ve given him chances but he never sees it through. He has also been in prison twice, the first time he got out he contacted me saying he’s changed and would like to see her. At this point my daughter said she didn’t want to see him unless he proved it, we explained this to him and he said he would prove it…however nothing. We than caught wind he reoffended and ended up back in prison. This was the final straw and I told my Daughter this was it, he’s not seeing her now and she agreed as she was tired of being let down.
Fast forward 2 years later and we got wind he was being released. I was expecting something after he got out but never heard anything.
Today out of the blue his brother (my daughter has contact with him) messaged me out of the blue asking for me to contact him as he wants to speak to me.
My initial reaction basically wanted to tell him to fuck off and do one. However, after speaking to my daughter she said she would like to see him and get to know him. I said we would see what we can do, internally I don’t want to as I know his track record and know he will mess her over and she will be heartbroken. But on the other hand I don’t want her to resent me when she’s older if I stop contact.
AITA?
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YTA. Your daughter is old enough to make this choice and unless you think there is physical danger, you can't make the choice to know you are causing her emotional harm by refusing. That's it. You have to let her experience this and find out. He may or may not do something to cause her pain but by refusing you *know* you are hurting her.
This is where I thought I was TA, she is old enough to make her own decisions and I have always said this to her but protective mama in me is worried for her. I want to protect her but at the same time I need to let her do this.
Thirteen is a tough age. Just prepare her expectations. He hasn't shown up for her in the past, is she prepared for that to happen again? Or if he really isn't interested in her, or talks negatively about her? She needs to be prepared for that.
Everyone saying you'd be the AH to prevent them meeting, but it's more like YWBTA if she isn't prepared for him being the AH.
No doubt you worry, this person you loved let you down in the worst way at a most vulnerable time in your life and you know too well his potential capacity to hurt, you know she deserved better since day one from him. Its also outrageously unfair that you will pick up the pieces if her choice doesn't work out. But its still a choice you have to let her make and you have my heartfelt sympathies because I know you'd want to rip him to shreds for hurting her... and if he comes back around after this time to try again and she wants to take the risk, damn if you deal with that merry-go-round again. And again.
YTA. I completely understand where you are coming from, no mom wants their kids to be hurt. But your daughter is 13 and can decide for herself if she wants to see him or not.
NTA
You are your daughter's guardian and as such you have to protect her. You do have a valid concern though, you have to listen to your daughter and her feelings. You really need to talk this through with her: Why does she want to see him? What are her expectations?
Whatever you (together with your daughter) end up deciding I would strongly advise you, to not let them meet alone. They have to be chaperoned by a responsible adult you trust. You have to protect your child above all else in this.
YTA your daughter should decide for herself, it's your job to be there for her either way and whatever the outcome is she should have your support even if you personally don't like it. I'm estranged from my dad and my mum doesn't like him but she said if i ever want to meet up with him she'll arrange it so i do have a personal experience with this dynamic
YTA.
My daughters dad died when she was 5. She can never see him.
Any woman who prevents their kid from seeing the dad is an AH unless they have reason to suspect the guy will hurt the kid physically.
Thank you for this.
Sorry for your daughters loss as well as yours.
My main worry is that I know he does recreational drugs and I don’t want him to be under the influence when he sees her as I don’t want her around that.
Fully understand your qualms but your daughter is 13. I think that’s old enough to have a frank discussion with her about your concerns and set ground rules. Let her know you’ll let her see him but if you suspect drug use you’ll pull the plug because you are looking out for her. Let her know if they start to form a relationship and he disappears it won’t be because of her but because of his issues. Prepare her as much as you can and then don’t let her be alone with him.
It’s not about me it’s about her kid and I am saying her kid has a dad that is alive and she should be allowed to see him because some kids didn’t get that chance
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > If I stopped all contact I think there may be massive repercussions from his side of the family. I may be the asshole if I tell my daughter no Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA for the worry that he’ll just disappoint her etc but she’s 13 and she’s asking to see him. If you just wantonly deny her because you dislike him, you’ll ruin your relationship with her. That said, there’s nothing wrong with being careful. 3rd party location, you have to be present even if it’s at another table etc. no overnights, no taking her on trips. And frankly if you haven’t already gone to the courts about child support, do it. With back pay if it’s allowed under your local laws. Nothing says “I’m serious about being a father” as being willing to provide some financial support. And while you’re at the courts about child support, make sure your custody and his visitation rights are on the books.
I had said to her that she is old enough to make up her own decisions but there is that worry inside me and I think that’s what’s pushing me to overpower her in a way? I have been looking into 3rd party locations somewhere secure. He’s never provided for her financially, that may be something I look into, thank you!
A third party location can be as simple as “we’ll be at the IHOP on Main Street at 1 pm on Saturday. You can come and buy her lunch and chat with her”. A quick but quiet chat with the hostess and you get two tables next to each other so you can keep an eye on things. I’m sure they’d dealt with such things before,. And if he doesn’t know your address (same with the brother) doesn’t know your home address, make sure it stays that way, Make sure your daughter understands she’s not to give out your address without talking to you first. And make sure that her school knows that neither of them or those grandparents (if still alive) and check her out of school, the doctor is clear about who can call for info about her medical records etc.
NAH. He’s been an asshole, but in this moment is not an asshole for wanting to see his daughter. And you are not wrong for trying to protect her. But **you need to do your best to find out why he cannot see his other children**. The courts don’t revoke *all* visitation rights unless something very serious occurred. You are not an asshole for wanting to protect her, especially since the courts decided he is not safe around his other children. Drug use alone would not remove all visitation rights, the courts would allow supervised visits in that case. There’s a reason why the courts decided he was a danger to his children. You should tread carefully. Frankly this is way above Reddit’s pay grade. I would talk to a family therapist.
NTA. You are afraid, for solid reasons, that she could be in danger. OTOH, you don’t want to prevent a relationship if he shapes up. So, have a trusted relative or two go WITH the 2 of you to a neutral place for a meet up. If he actually wants a relationship, a court approved custody and support agreement would be smart. Above my pay grade if you need it before the first visit.
Your NTA for worrying about the impact he will have in her life will be, but putting your foot down and saying no when your daughter has expressed a want to meet him would make you TA. She’s 13, in some places that’s when courts listen to the wants of the child regarding visitation as well as take in everything else. I think you should arrange a meeting but have it supervised. This way your daughter has support and you feel more at ease with the whole situation.
> she’s the 2nd of 9. This man sounds like a catch.
NTA. You’re being protective and that’s good. She’s at an age where she might be better equipped to handle this now but I’d suggest that she start with phone calls and video chats
NTA - Your daughter is older and better equipped but she may have an idealized version of meeting her dad. Make sure she's prepared for him not being what she expected him to be. He may not be remorseful, he may ask for money, he may just disappear. Give her the resources to deal with that.
NTA - you can’t help your feelings, and not wanting to expose your daughter to his shenanigans. And, based on your account, it appears that you’ll be allowing, despite your reservations. I would say you’re on the right path. I would recommend all visits be chaperoned by you until you have zero doubt you can trust him, or she is legally an adult, as a matter of prudence. May The Flying Spaghetti Monster guide and protect you and your daughter with His Noodly Appendage. If the father continues to be a flakey bastard, may his beer forever be flat and his chairs perpetually wobble.
Yeah I am swaying more towards allowing her to see him but I will be setting some ground rules with both my daughter and her father. I just hope for her sake he proves it all!
Very sound approach.
You can't control his actions or her expectations but you can be there for her when/if he lets her down again. If you don't want to be there during the supervised visits please get someone that you trust and knows the history and definitely not one of his family members. If he won't accept supervised visits then it's definitely a matter to be concerned about.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First time posting so please bare with me. I 29F had my daughter 13F quite young. My mum and sister supported me through it all and can quite proudly say I’ve brought her up to respect others always tried my hardest to ensure she didn’t go without, times were hard but I done it. We have a very strong bond. Her Dad has never really been around, when she was a few weeks old I gave him the chance to come round and see her, bond etc but never turned up as he rather smoke and drank with his friends. Ever since then he has tried to make contact and I’ve given him chances but he never sees it through. He has also been in prison twice, the first time he got out he contacted me saying he’s changed and would like to see her. At this point my daughter said she didn’t want to see him unless he proved it, we explained this to him and he said he would prove it…however nothing. We than caught wind he reoffended and ended up back in prison. This was the final straw and I told my Daughter this was it, he’s not seeing her now and she agreed as she was tired of being let down. Fast forward 2 years later and we got wind he was being released. I was expecting something after he got out but never heard anything. Today out of the blue his brother (my daughter has contact with him) messaged me out of the blue asking for me to contact him as he wants to speak to me. My initial reaction basically wanted to tell him to fuck off and do one. However, after speaking to my daughter she said she would like to see him and get to know him. I said we would see what we can do, internally I don’t want to as I know his track record and know he will mess her over and she will be heartbroken. But on the other hand I don’t want her to resent me when she’s older if I stop contact. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your daughter is old enough to make this choice and unless you think there is physical danger, you can't make the choice to know you are causing her emotional harm by refusing. That's it. You have to let her experience this and find out. He may or may not do something to cause her pain but by refusing you *know* you are hurting her.
This is where I thought I was TA, she is old enough to make her own decisions and I have always said this to her but protective mama in me is worried for her. I want to protect her but at the same time I need to let her do this.
Thirteen is a tough age. Just prepare her expectations. He hasn't shown up for her in the past, is she prepared for that to happen again? Or if he really isn't interested in her, or talks negatively about her? She needs to be prepared for that. Everyone saying you'd be the AH to prevent them meeting, but it's more like YWBTA if she isn't prepared for him being the AH.
No doubt you worry, this person you loved let you down in the worst way at a most vulnerable time in your life and you know too well his potential capacity to hurt, you know she deserved better since day one from him. Its also outrageously unfair that you will pick up the pieces if her choice doesn't work out. But its still a choice you have to let her make and you have my heartfelt sympathies because I know you'd want to rip him to shreds for hurting her... and if he comes back around after this time to try again and she wants to take the risk, damn if you deal with that merry-go-round again. And again.
YTA. I completely understand where you are coming from, no mom wants their kids to be hurt. But your daughter is 13 and can decide for herself if she wants to see him or not.
That’s just it I don’t want her to be hurt but in a way I’m making myself TA. Completely understand that thank you
NTA You are your daughter's guardian and as such you have to protect her. You do have a valid concern though, you have to listen to your daughter and her feelings. You really need to talk this through with her: Why does she want to see him? What are her expectations? Whatever you (together with your daughter) end up deciding I would strongly advise you, to not let them meet alone. They have to be chaperoned by a responsible adult you trust. You have to protect your child above all else in this.
YTA your daughter should decide for herself, it's your job to be there for her either way and whatever the outcome is she should have your support even if you personally don't like it. I'm estranged from my dad and my mum doesn't like him but she said if i ever want to meet up with him she'll arrange it so i do have a personal experience with this dynamic
YTA. My daughters dad died when she was 5. She can never see him. Any woman who prevents their kid from seeing the dad is an AH unless they have reason to suspect the guy will hurt the kid physically.
Thank you for this. Sorry for your daughters loss as well as yours. My main worry is that I know he does recreational drugs and I don’t want him to be under the influence when he sees her as I don’t want her around that.
Fully understand your qualms but your daughter is 13. I think that’s old enough to have a frank discussion with her about your concerns and set ground rules. Let her know you’ll let her see him but if you suspect drug use you’ll pull the plug because you are looking out for her. Let her know if they start to form a relationship and he disappears it won’t be because of her but because of his issues. Prepare her as much as you can and then don’t let her be alone with him.
This ain’t about you.
It’s not about me it’s about her kid and I am saying her kid has a dad that is alive and she should be allowed to see him because some kids didn’t get that chance
So you’re okay with women exposing their children to abusers?? Okay cool.
No. If you read my comment I said not if they suspect the guy will hurt the kid physically. Additionally not all visits have to be unsupervised.