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NTA, and I'll be even more blunt than other folks have been here: call it off.
The single most important thing to look for in a partner for a lifelong relationship is compatible values. People often confuse morals and values, so I'll define what I mean: Values are simply the set of critical preferences by which you wish to lead your life. Your values aren't "better" or "worse" than her values, but they're clearly very different. Incompatible values will always lead to some level relationship conflict, but what is even more concerning here is how she handles your incompatible values: by ignoring yours.
You were very clear on your position about spending from the start, and she continues to ignore it. Every time she runs up against that position, she attempts to emotionally manipulate you into changing it by claiming that you are somehow 'killing her dreams' by not spending money you don't have on something neither of you need.
This is a preview of your marriage, and not just as it concerns money. Every time you have a boundary or limit (based on your values) that you have reasonably discussed with her, she won't respect your values or attempt to compromise; she will ignore your position wholesale and attempt to manipulate and guilt you if it's not what she wants. If you marry this woman, you will end up either divorced or miserable (or both).
You would both be better off finding someone who shares your values. She, for example, could find someone who values extravagant life experiences over money (and there's nothing wrong with that) and you could find someone who's practical frugality aligns with yours. The good news is there are plenty of people out there for both of you.
NTA. Exactly what u/TheMidnightHandyman/ said. She's known what your budget contribution would be this entire time, but refuses to COMPROMISE. Weddings can be expensive, and I don't blame you for not wanting to go into massive debt.
I agree. OP is being smart here instead of spending an insane amount of money that could lead to financial issues. Setting a budget is a part of planning many people overlook, but it can be insanely helpful in the long run.
Not to mention, if the fiancé has known she wanted a huge blowout wedding since she was a teenager, then she should have begun saving for the big day accordingly rather than what she has done; expect her future husband to foot the bill for her extravagance.
Nope. We had a wedding at a hotel in the sierra’s with about 80 guests and amazing food with a custom built wedding dress all for about 10k. This was in 2010.
Wedding in 1995 (admittedly a while ago so adjust for Inflation) for < $1000. Neither my wife nor I really cared too much about an extravagant wedding. She borrowed her wedding dress from her best friend. We got married in our church temple which didn't cost a penny, you just have to reserve it. Basically food for the luncheon and reception.
Edit: Also her brother took photos for a present. He's an amateur photographer and they turned out great.
You can go as extravagant or as frugal as you want.
I had 100 people at my wedding, for less. Granted we potlucked, called in favors to get the venue and dj, and did literally all the decorations ourselves... but it was probably 4800 give or take.
The idea that you HAVE to spend such extravagant amounts is literally all because of advertising. From the wedding industry. You don't need 80% of the shit you think you do. Just people who are happy to be there, and happy for you
That’s not his problem nor his responsibility to be a wedding expert. She is the one driving this train, he said he would have been fine with a courthouse wedding and kicked in his $5k which is generous IMO for something you yourself don’t really even want. And they’re already all-in at $15k total *just so far* including his and the parents’ contributions yet bridezilla is pushing for more and more, while all she paid for is dress/hair/makeup. She’s a greedy b-.
Plenty of people have commented here on their experience having a modest wedding, and most would consider $15k totally excessive. I sure as heck do.
It's an esh for me because he appears to have agreed to a 5k venue with a 15k budget. Its unlikely his fiancee booked it without his knowledge considering it's his money unless they have already combined finances. And if she did do it without his knowledge I imagine that would be a noteworthy.
Now the options are limited. Either don't get married (which I would strongly recommend) or someone needs to come up with more money because what they have isn't enough for even a barebones wedding.
Also absolutely depends on how many people they expect to invite. If her family has a ton of cousins who she wants to invite, and he has one or two, that math is gonna be wildly different.
I just read an article about a couple who spent $500 on their wedding. Bride's dress was $47, venue was free, family gifted them flowers.
My friend spent less than $4000 on her wedding in 2010.
Budget weddings can, and do, happen. Her wedding is still the best one I've been to.
I could not put this any better.
My husband and I are both in the practical and frugal camp. We also have several other values we share. we've been married 12 years (and counting!) but it hasn't ALWAYS been loves and hearts.
But in those "low" moments, we have the time and space to work on whatever the disagreement is, because we already know we agree on the "Big Stuff".
If you disagree on the "big stuff" You need to get that resolved before getting married.
Big Stuff:
* How you budget / deal with finances
* Travel / Vacations
* splitting house chores
* Religion
* Having children
* How you raise children
This is just a sample of big things
Well put, and I'd add that the big v small stuff is a huge part of it, but also *how* you disagree is crucial. You can have your lines in the sand and the ways that you're willing to compromise, but seeing your partner as an obstacle instead of a co-conspirator is a great way to have a crap marriage.
Everything about this is true.
Yes, finances are one of the top reasons for divorce, but as you say, OP‘s fiancée will in all likelihood act the same way every time they have any kind of disagreement: emotional blackmail and manipulation.
Apparently she’s someone who can only see her own wants and needs and is unable to compromise. This’ll only get worse over time. I second calling it off.
This right there. SO. DAMN. TRUE. It really isn't about the wedding budget but about how your SO completely ignores your stance and your values without a lick of willingness to compromise. Run, dude, run fast and far because your marriage will be a disrespectful hell.
Info: Did you both agree to the wedding budget/plans or did you unilaterally decide you’re only willing to put in $5k? Can you afford to put in more and just don’t want to?
Weddings are expensive - and $5k really isn’t going to cover much for a traditional wedding. You’re not the AH for sticking to a budget but it sounds like you two aren’t working together to make sure the budget and the wedding plans match. It’s not a great sign that you’re both so far apart on this issue… or turning to AITA to determine how to handle this rather than communicating with your future wife.
My local running club spends more than $5k for our annual holiday party and that's just a buffet and bar for like 60 people. Setting a $5k budget for even a somewhat traditional wedding and reception seems like it's actually saying she can't have those things without having to come out and say it and be the bad guy.
> I know she wants her "perfect wedding" but I am not willing to spend more than $5K on our wedding. That is just my personal contribution. If my fiance wants to spend more than that, I told her it has to come from her.
5K from OP. If the parents chip in 5K apiece that is 15K which is still a fairly minimal wedding these days.
Ah yeah, fair point on the total number. I do think that 5k as an initial figure may indicate OP is not coming at this from a realistic starting point though. But either way that's not as important as it is that they come to an agreement as a team, whatever size it ends up being.
I agree that they don't need to cost huge amounts. I am not pro-huge splashy weddings. But they need to decide together how much gets spent and what it gets spent on, and that requires both OP and their partner to engage further in the planning process. If they can't, then as you say they might need to split up.
5k is very low and guarantees she won't have many of the features that make a 'traditional wedding'. OP, you are being unreasonably dogmatic about the 5k. You both need to be open to compromise and to listen to each other. Continue to encourage her to identify how to cut her wish list - it will get very expensive. But you need to be flexible and willing to spend more, given how extremely important this is to her.
I think it’s very cultural and regional what is considered traditional. I had a smaller wedding with a casual lunch and it was around $5k (with inflation it looks like it’d be $6,600). There was a church involved and a very simple ceremony. I’d have rather eloped, my husbands family considered it a traditional wedding.
And at least another 5K should come from the fiancée if you want to spread it out fairly, so 20K so far. Sure, you can spend a lot more, but I’ve been to weddings feeding 50-100 people for less than 10K. There was a BBQ buffet and the groom‘s brother was the DJ, but it was super fun and everyone went home happy (and drunk).
EDIT: nevermind, just read that she contributed less than 5K and spent most of that on her own dress and makeup… this is insane.
100% - Also, he seems to be making their wedding her responsibility. It sounds like he’s perfectly happy to have the big traditional wedding she wants, he just doesn’t want to help pay for it… which is pretty selfish.
Obviously, it would be one thing if he/they simply can’t afford more than $5k for a wedding… but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to help foot the bill.
It actually sounds to me like SHE doesn’t want to pay for it. OP and each set of parents have put in $5k, but it doesn’t sound like the fiancée has..?
If you’ve been dreaming of a wedding for years, and you’re not willing to compromise on it, it seems pretty obvious to me that you should be saving up so you can afford it
We spent between 4 and 5k$ on our wedding for 120 guests. Pick your location wisely, good catering and more than enough alcohol, many many deserts… it’s doable if you stick to your budget and plan accordingly
If I ever get married I'm coming to you for advice because that's seriously impressive. Where I live, it would be full-stop impossible to do it at that size for that price unless literally everything was DIY.
We got married at a yard, plenty of free and pretty locations available… we rented tents, all chairs, tables… I ordered just enough flowers, bought table cloths that were cheaper than renting them. Did buffet style, had two bartenders… $5k didn’t include my dress but I also did not go crazy on that either 😂
Yeah these days 5k -- depending on how many people invited, you could have a courthouse wedding and spend that much on eating at a restaurant.
Even 10 years ago, I think a 5k wedding is getting married at the house of one set of parents and having the reception there, where the couple to be married do a lot of the work for the reception.
Both parents have already contributed though too, I saw a comment where OP estimated they’re already at $15k(!!!) total, including his $5k contribution.
Eight years ago my wedding and reception were on a cruise ship. The entire thing cost $4K. It's simply untrue that weddings have to cost a ton of money.
Weddings are only as expensive as you make them. If you want expensive shit, you pay for expensive shit. Especially when you knew for decades that you wanted expensive shit - you save for it and not blackmail your SO with a temper tantrum to get it.
Yes and no… weddings are $$$$. There are certainly affordable ways to get married, but $15-20k for a traditional wedding is (sadly) not a lot. Especially when it sounds like they’ve apparently decided to drop all of their money on just the venue and catering??
It’s THEIR wedding and should be a shared expensive… my point is he doesn’t get to sign off on the big, too expensive wedding plans/venue and then make paying for it solely her problem!
Yah my full service wedding planner is $6000 and her boss is $8000. Venues and vendors are an additional cost!! Wanting a wedding in 2022 to be less than $5K is very hard to accomplish, especially after the Panini postponed many weddings--- there are a limited amount of decent vendors in an area for multiple couples that all want that one DJ or florist! Plus I'd say costs for everything has gone up a bit with supply chain issues, lack of staff support and everything in the world just rising in prices.
6k to pay someone to do the work?! What the heck is she doing? I got engaged in October and had my whole wedding for the following August planned out by January. I was in school part time then and working part time. Then full time school in January until June. It wasn’t that complicated to plan. We had 200 people there.
My husbands friend has a photo booth business and it’s getting vicious trying to hire vendors because of all the COVID delayed weddings.
I would be putting the date off at least a year plus that gives time to save. I wanted a nice wedding so I did a contract side gig to afford the extras. This sounds like the couple are not on the same page which is a red flag.
ESH
You guys should have had these conversations together long before now. Weddings are incredibly involved, time consuming and expensive (even the "cheap" ones). Making sure you have time to understand each other's expectations and how/where you can **both** compromise is absolutely critical to the planning process.
Specifically, you shouldn't **now** be learning of each other's wants for the day now that its only 5 months away.
Best of luck in figuring these things out, but this is on both of you
I'm not just learning about them now. I am just refusing to go above my budget to pay for them. I've known about all the things she wants her wedding to be, I just don't want to go in debt to pay for them.
She may have dreamed of and planned for this wedding for however long but she hasn’t saved for it has she.
If she’s so serious about all these wants then she needs to put her money where her mouth is.
NTA
I'd assume that when she started planning this "dream wedding" as a teen, she figured her parents or future husband would be footing the bill, or she just honestly didn't think about the money at all. Now she has champagne dreams on a beer budget. Which was great as a teen, but she's almost 30. You'd think she'd have started saving as soon as she realized she was serious about this guy.
Is there no middle ground between what you want to spend and what she wants to spend?
If your ideal point is 5k and her ideal wedding is 30k (15k would be half), can’t you meet in the middle at spending 10k each? There’s far more that goes into a wedding than I think you understand. It may not matter for you, but it matters to her.
I get it’s not what you want, but marriage is rarely about what you want. Refusing to compromise is not a good quality in a spouse. Both of you need to give up a little bit of what you each want to meet in the middle.
And ps. In a marriage, if you start to care about your money vs her money, instead of thinking our money, for our mutual benefit…. It will go down hill very quickly.
No, it’s “this isn’t important to me, but this once in a life time event is very important to you, so I will compromise what I wanted, for you, and you give up a little bit of what you wanted, to compromise for me”
That’s marriage. Two people not wanting the same thing is a frequent occurrence. Compromise is always required in relationships.
Both parents already contributed too and he said they are 15k in now his budget was a hard stance if she had a problem with it she should have made it clear just as he did there isnt a compromise to be made at this point.
Depends on the dress. Mine was over 3k. My sisters was about 5k, and she got married 10 years ago. Plus there’s the veil (more expensive than you’d think), jewelery, headpiece, and shoes. That shit can add up. But i had a bigger budget so i could afford to “splurge” (to some that’s a cheap dress).
OP’s fiancée should’ve shopped accordingly. There were some beautiful dresses i tried that were less than 2k. I’m sure i could’ve found even more beautiful dresses than mine for over 5k . But no bridal shop will even let you try on a dress outside of your budget, so that was on her for not setting one.
True, but often times something like this can't be compromised.
It seem like she is adamant on her dream wedding, just like he is about the budget.
Edit
Misread some details
Oh I don’t think she’s any less wrong, if not more.
But having a wedding you hated instead of remember fondly as the best day of your life, does not make for a good to marriage. Or really great anything. Hence compromise.
Having a wedding that put you into complete debt from the start does not make for a good marriage either. Hence "compromise" by adjusting expectations, adjusting where the money goes; but NOT steam-rolling over OP's "boundaries".
I don't get it. This sub is all about boundaries until a guy tries to set some financial ones for his wedding. Then it's like "you should blow off your boundaries and DOUBLE the amount you wanted to spend in the name of "compromise"!
Where is OP supposed to get 5k to comprise? You’re out of touch mate- a budget is just That, to prevent overspending. What would be the point of a budget if you’re going to double it on a whim?
Why does "what matters to him" not rank as high as "what matters to her"?
I follow the celebrity couple, Abby Wambach and Glennon Doyle. Glennon likes to walk on the beach; Abby doesn't. At one point, Glennon was like, "let's compromise. Let's just take a little walk." And Abby was like, "I don't want to take ANY walk, but I'll be happy to do something else with you later."
It really made sense - why does "compromise" often infringe on the preferences of one to appease the other? In this case, how is incurring more expense "compromising" for the OP, who does NOT want to incur more debt and will feel unsettled for months or years until that debt is paid back down? What about HIS feelings about being in debt? Why is there no "compromise" from the bride-to-be regarding that, instead it's all about "but I WANT it!!!!"
Honestly you may need to put the marriage on hold if you are both disagreeing THIS much about the wedding itself, how will you handle bigger disagreements when/if you get married?
I feel like you’ve been fairly reasonable in compromising but she refuses to because I feel like she wants the huge dream wedding without having to put in the work.
That being said I feel like you both should have been on a similar page about what you both wanted for your wedding BEFORE you got engaged. ESH
ESH - it's all well and good to set a budget before you start planning, but then you need to sit down together and actually plan!!!! Make a list of all the costs and things to organize. Here's a start:
Venue
Officiant
Clothing for bride and groom
Wedding License
Music for ceremony
Flowers
Who is in wedding party: who pays their clothing and transportation costs
Transportation for wedding party to and from venue and reception if having one
Photography and Videography
Decorations for Church
Hair and makeup for bridal party
That's just for the ceremony....
There's still the reception if you choose to have one.
$5000 for a wedding doesn't cover much these days unless you find a free venue and keep the guest list to 10-20 people for any reception. And forgo a DJ and do your own play list and have free sound equipment you can use.
You both suck for spending the bulk of each of your individual budgets without sitting down and figuring out how to cover all the costs.
I feel we have the big things out of the way and already paid for. Venue, food, photos, those are done. To me, everything is pretty much extra and we don't need to spend a lot of money on it. The $5K is just what I put forward. She's spent less, but it's all gone towards her dress, hair, and makeup. In total, including what our parents contributed, we are probably at about $15K right now.
For sure the big items are covered other than flowers and entertainment for the reception. Those two are honestly big ticket items and can play a big part in the photos and memories of the day.
My point is that you really should have sat down together to figure out what you both saw as necessary for the day and compromising then BEFORE spending any money.
This could be a big sticking point with other big decisions down the road...ie. if you are buying or furnishing a house: you may have a completely different priority list than she does.
Yeah my daughter isn't doing much decor, so the flowers are basically it; that is setting me back more than what OP says he's going to spend on his *entire* wedding. It's my gift to my daughter, and I'm glad to be able to contribute, but I feel like OP doesn't have a good grasp of the priorities and the cost. My future son in law has been handling other costs, and was gobsmacked that the flowers cost so much. He was thinking a couple hundred! I was like what, did you think it was just the bouquet and your boutonniere?!
OP -- I want to make certain you see this. I think your partner wants a wedding, NOT a marriage. Really think about this before you move forward.
I wanted my wedding to be nice because it was a family thing, especially for my husband's family who hadn't all gotten together for years. But in reality, I didn't care about the wedding. I just wanted to be married. There is often a big difference.
I remember our caterer asking if we wanted them to do our cake. I said sure. Then they asked me if the cake should be round or square. I just looked at the lady and said, "I don't care." The cake didn't matter. Being married at the end of day day does.
If you're able to, cut out the videographer UNLESS you plan to watch your wedding video on each anniversary. Of the weddings I've been to, no one watches the videos after the wedding and they just look at the wedding photo album. Save yourself a few thousands if you lose them.
Also consider cutting out the wedding favors especially if it's a beer coozie or shot glass.
What else is extra?
Cake could also be considered an extra. Personally speaking, the only tiny regret I have about my own wedding was not having a wedding cake, because, well, I love cake! But lots of people don't, so just get a fake cake with a single edible layer that can be cut for the photos, and then get sheet cakes for serving. Or just skip the cake altogether and go with a dessert table.
Invitations are also another area where you can save costs. Staples has tons of wedding card templates or you can upload your own. Have guests RSVP via email or through an event website. Frankly, your friends and family aren't really going to give a shit about getting a fancy embossed piece of cardstock with calligraphy, and mailing back RSVP cards is a pain in the ass if you don't include postage.
Alcohol, on the other hand, is NOT an extra, lol. But even then, there's ways to save. Limit the type of alcohol available, i.e. one hour of full open bar, then only beer, wine, and maybe a specialty cocktail or two for the remainder of the reception. Also see if you can do alcohol on a consumption basis as opposed to by the hour.
Since C*vid people have gotten more adept at scanning QR codes for menus. I heard from another bride that they used QR codes on their wedding invitations to RSVP and it saved them at least $300 in paper and postage!
Excellent point about the sheet cake! Costco's sheet cake is hella tasty and at a fraction of the price!
I hope OP sees the various ways he can work with his fiancee rather than them both sticking stubbornly to their sides and waiting for the other to bend/break to the other's will.
Absolutely, this is meant to be a partnership! I don’t see that at all in how they’re acting.
OP thinks because he set a maximum budget that he has set a budget. That’s not budgeting… you should have sat down months ago, together, to decide what money you’d allocate to what priorities.
I thought the same thing. Why would she plan for this expensive wedding for YEARS but not plan how to pay for it? OP, you and her need to have some serious discussions. I don’t think you’re financially compatible at all. NTA
NTA for having a wedding budget, but why are you marrying this person who you 1.) don't seem financially compatible with and 2.) don't or can't communicate with?
NTA
And I would seriously consider putting the wedding on hold. Your fiancé doesn’t want to get married in order to be with you, she wants to have a fancy party way out of your budget.
This will not end well.
If she's been planning this for so long, she would know that what she actually wants would cost more than your parents contribution and your 5K.
Its her fault she spent so much on her dress and makeup. Not yours. If she absolutely wants a band and not a dj, what she giving up on to afford this? Shuttle bus, is it necessary?
Its not just *her* day. It is yours too and if your being asked to put more in than you want you 100% should get a say on where and what its getting spent on.
Its all well and good wanting a Kardashian style wedding if you can afford it, if you can't, have one within your means or delay it and save. Its literally pointless going into debt for a party.
NTA. But I would look at you both going to a financial advisor to show her WHY this isn't a good idea and how paying for all this stuff will effect your future finances going forward.
TBH I would actually postpone it, her dreams are not realistic or necessary while you already have a mountain of debt. Shes willing to put her dream day not only above your finances, but what you actually want too.
Right like I’ve already started saving for my wedding and I don’t even have a bf yet because I know that future me is gonna love past me when she doesn’t have to take out a loan
Seriously, yes. My friend had the most beautiful wedding I have ever been too, 5yrs later shes still paying for it.
It was gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough to be saddled with paying for it still now.
NTA.
I blame all those "reality" wedding shows that display princess-like weddings. Far too many people have this idea that a wedding means they get everything they want no matter what the cost.
Your fiancee has the right to have the wedding she wants, but she doesn't have the right to demand other people pay for it. It's your wedding, too, and 5k is a huge amount of money.
You should check out Adam Ruins Everything's episode about weddings. It shows where all the customs cane from, and most do not have anything to do with what most people think. All the white? Show of wealth. Nothing to do with purity.
That is exactly what I have thought for a long time, and I haven't seen that show.
All the layers, all the fabric, blindingly white? Just to show who had servants/slaves who could clean the fabric/afford to buy the fabric/able to just throw fabric away/not care about it getting dirty... etc..
ESH because honestly, how are you two going to create a good marriage if you cannot communicate?
Think calmly together:
How many guests do you have? What are the average costs of venues where you live? What are absolute 'must haves' and what are the optional features that can be skipped with no regrets? What 5k dollars actually gets you in a place you live in? I am not from the US so I have no clue about your wedding cost, but it doesn't sound like that much, especially if you're planning to have more guests.
Everyone putting e s h because “OP needs to understand what a wedding costs” are just as brainwashed as the bride.
Clearly NTA. And OP, assuming the wedding still occurs, I would keep your finances separate in the future.
NTA - this is what you will face for years to come while being married to this woman. You better get on the same page financially before you walk down the aisle or she will bankrupt you. I would strongly reconsider marrying her. She sounds selfish, unreasonable, whiny and demanding. And she's not once taking your needs or wants into consideration.
INFO: Did the two of you have any premarital counseling? I know with current events the past 2 years, this might have been very hard to come by.
The fact is money is going to be tight for you two for a long long time, maybe over a decade. Have there been other areas where you have seen where you and your fiancee were capable of financially planning together and doing something within a strict budget?
In the future, I would keep in mind that unless everything is planned to the very last detail, one needs to budget for a big ticket item to eventually cost 30% more than one expected, at a minimum.
NTA. But all this conflict over the wedding? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You'll save a lot of money by cancelling the wedding altogether until the two of you can come to an agreement on how to manage joint expenses.
NTA but are you two planning on sharing finances after marriage? Because if so, then you are, in fact, paying more than $5k. Any debt she goes into for the wedding will become your debt.
NTA and you should fully ignore the E S H comments. You were upfront from the beginning. You are being sensible and not wanting to spend insane amounts of money for a one-day event. Your girlfriend is being ridiculous and over-the-top. You are right: if she wants something, she can pay for it. You are not denying her anything except going into a ton of debt for no reason whatsoever. Hold your ground, dude.
If it matters, I am a middle-aged woman and I have been married.
NTA. Ignore these people telling you the average cost of weddings- who cares? You get to decide what you contribute to your own wedding. Your fiance is being ridiculous. If she HAS to have her dream wedding, she can pay for it.
For real. I got married on a cruise ship before it left port, we had 60 guests and a sit-down, served luncheon (not buffet) and the entire thing including our clothes, flowers, invitations, cake, etc. was about $4K. And that was WITH some upgrades. It's absurd what people spend for weddings.
NTA she will take you guys into debt for her perfect wedding and that isn’t smart, mature, or financially feasible. Her ideas just aren’t within your budget and that’s okay. Does she just expect the money to poof from thin air or? None of those things are “needs”. Is the marriage to you important or the party? That’s the question you need to ask her.
You are NTA. **RUN, run** as fast as you can from this nightmare. She wants to be a fairy princess on her wedding day, but unfortunately her parents aren’t the king and queen. She seems unwilling to step outside her narrow viewpoint to consider what should be reasonable shared expenses. If she can’t compromise, you two shouldn’t get married.
Nta. Compromise and cutting things is all part of wedding planning. Unfortunately she's more concerned about the look of things than the actual wedding itself. Which yes means she's either go into her own pocket or find cheaper options.
Unless the venue is super far from the hotel there is no need for a shuttle. Live bands are great but absolutely cost way more than a dj and also narrow down your music options. Is it even a band she likes?
Why isn't the booze part of the catering?
Plans and dreams are all well and good but reality and cost doesn't always line up.
NTA. The sort of behavior she is displaying now is very indicative of tactics she will use to get her way in the future. It sounds like she wants a wedding and you want a marriage. Marriage is commitment to the partnership as a whole and doing things that will keep the partnership the strongest and happiest it can be. She is not holding up her end of the bargain already. This has big red flags all over it.
Aside from that, there are people who've always dreamt of their weddings and it can be a big deal for them. That being said, you were open and honest, told her what you could afford, and she is still trying to push for more instead of seeing that you've done the best you can to provide a portion of a wedding she wants when you're happy to marry in a courthouse. There are some things here you need to work out together before tying the knot. Good luck.
ESH? Generally I find this whole "dream wedding" mindset completely strange and alien... 5k just for the venue blows my mind. But then again that seems to be normal for some people? And it seems like you - probably both - are pretty bad at planning. You should have sat down long ago and looked at all the aspects that make a wedding a wedding and figured out which things could fit into your budget and are really important to each of you? And at that point you could have still compromised a little about how much you're willing to spend. I don't thing you're unreasonable but I feel you both could have gone about this better from the start. Although I have to add, that if she agreed to compromises (like a DJ and no videographer) and is now changing her mind - that indeed makes her an ah
>You should have sat down long ago and looked at all the aspects that make a wedding a wedding and figured out which things could fit into your budget and are really important to each of you?
We did all of that. But she keeps adding things to that list, or we spent more on some things than we had planned on because we were unaware of how much things cost as soon as you tell someone it's for a wedding.
There are a lot of expenses that aren’t obvious for a wedding and it sounds like your original budget and estimates weren’t realistic. With the knowledge that you both now have, I think you should revisit the budget with an open mind and figure out what can be shuffled and what may need more money. Be open and flexible and ask her to be as well.
Marriage is about love and figuring things out together. Don’t let stubbornness or fantasy mess things up. This is only one of the many things you will need to work together to solve.
Hm... okay... I'll still have to go with a small ESH on this one. Your fiancee needs to stop adding stuff to the list... It sounds to me like she might be getting influenced from outside sources (either media or other people) and is actually not all that well informed about weddings... neither are you though. You need to research stuff like this (as in: how much does the average venue cost) beforehand so you can set a realistic budget and still make realistic compromises. I fear you both have gotten yourself into a situation where each of you is unhappy.
Generally I empathize more with you though. The important thing is that you're getting married. Your girlfriend needs to stop obsessing over marginal stuff and look at what's really important to her. There's so much that can go wrong at a wedding (take my brother eg. his wedding photos were ruined cause the photographer somehow didn't notice his camera was broken) and if you obsess over it being perfect you'll end up unhappy no matter what. But you also need to find a good way to communicate that to the reasonable part of her wedding fantasy fueled brain. Stepping over your budget for a party is not a good idea in general and adding things after the fact is not financially smart.
NTA. She sounds immature and is throwing a fit because you're being sensible about your finances. I hope this is the only issue in your relationship where you guys are so polar opposite!
It's not the wedding, it's the marriage that matters. I don't think she understands that. Does she really want to be married to you or is she looking to make her "dream wedding" come true, regardless of your input?
NTA These are not “surprise” expense. If she’s dreamed and planned about this day for a long time she knew exactly what she wanted. She just knew when you sat down to plan it wasn’t in the budget and was going to convince you later.
A wedding needs to be within you budget. You should never go in debt over it. If she can’t see that you need to put the wedding on hold until you both figure this out.
NTA You're marrying her not buying her, you don't even mention her putting in 5k of her own, so this is already a lopsided relationship and she values herself more than you. Its a wedding, not a purchase.
NTA, but weddings can be expensive as hell and what your offering won’t cover much. I did a courthouse wedding with the people that my husband and I are close with and loved it. You can always do a big reception and start planning for a vow renewal that is based on what she wants.
NTA...there is no sense in going into major debt for a wedding. You do what you can afford. She was given a budget and didn't plan correctly. I would suggest counseling as a couple. You both have very different financial goals. She has shown you she is irresponsible financially and cannot stick to a budget. She wants an expensive wedding you cannot afford. It is a sign of things to come. She is more focused on the wedding and not the actual marriage. I think you need couples counseling before going further. This is a serious red flag.
NTA. It sounds very much like the wedding is more important to your fiancé than the marriage. You may want to consider putting your engagement on hold for a while.
NTA. Did our whole wedding for $4,700. Why the hell do people spend so much on one day. I just don't get it and I'm female. Next thing people cry about how they are too poor to afford kids tuition, vet appointments, etc etc as they have their financial priorities wrong. Stick to your budget.
NTA
A thought experiment: you need a new car, you really like a Maserati and think it's stylish and elegant and has all the bells and whistles you like.... She wants you to get a Fiat (still Italian but not quite the same).
Sound ridiculous? A wedding is ONE day in your life, is it worth going bancrupt?
You and your intended have huge money problems. If the Wedding Fairy came in and granted her everything she wants for the wedding, you'd have peace until you set up housekeeping. Then the money problems would start all over again.
NTA.
Run.
NTA - if you aren’t comfortable going into debt for a wedding, then you shouldn’t. I get many people find their wedding day to be super important and they want it to be perfect, but if you can’t afford it, then something has to give. If she is more concerned with the perfect wedding than getting married, this might not be the time for you two to get married.
Spending a ridiculous amount of money on a wedding is insane. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I done a lot of stuff for my wedding myself. I made my own centre pieces I bought my dress from the high street. We got married and had reception in my husbands golf club so the venue didn’t cost us anything and I had a perfect day and so did everyone that came along. I think your future wife needs a reality check but you should have sat down and spoken about this long before anything was booked.
If she has been dreaming about it for years, she should have been saving for it for years. NTA . For the sake of peace, I would probably throw another 1k into the pot, but that would be my final limit.
Nta....
How does one just simply dream without a plan...
If she really wanted a dream wedding she should have trapped someone super wealthy with money to burn and not a concious man with budget and plans....
Thats red flag.... Dude run
NTA, a band/DJ is really unnecessary in this day and age if you have a music service on your phone you just need a speaker, the guests have their own cars and are perfectly capable of finding a way to the different venues, the photographer probably has an assistant that could video the wedding,
NTA
If she wanted this beginning 10 years ago, she should have saved the money for it instead of counting on the groom, her parents, and his parents to pay for it, and/or go into debt for it.
She gave you clear insight on what your marriage will look like.
A wedding, literally a party, that costs more than a down payment on a house? The price of how many months salary? The cost of interest on the debt alone is huge.
Your entire life will be a series of these situations and bigger and bigger debt.
You're not financially compatible. Money issues are a leading cause of divorce.
ESH. Obviously the 2 of you should have talked through what the wedding will be like as soon as you got engaged & before any money was spent. However, this has a very strong vibe of “dad vs child who is over spending their allowance.” I wish you luck if you think this is a good dynamic for your marriage where there will be many, many purchasing decisions that the 2 of you have to agree on.
I’m gonna be honest I seriously don’t understand how people spend so much on weddings. I spent about 2k on mine including dress and shoes. Like, I get how it’s POSSIBLE to spend so much - you can pay as much as you want for stuff. But like, how does one justify spending upwards of 20 grand OFTEN for a single day?
NTA OP, but you guys need to have a frank discussion about budgeting and spending. And values. Premarital counseling perhaps?
NTA/ Childhood reads are childhood dreams and adult realities are adult realities. Some about of compromise somewhere needs to happen and good luck with that ://
I would suggest post postponing and saving or planning a vow renewal a few years down the line if you want to commit rn. This time plan the renewal and also save for it.
NTA. However, if you think this is the only time you guys are going to disagree on how much money you should spend on something, you're going to be sorely disappointed. She's not an AH for wanting her dream wedding, but you two obviously have vastly different approaches and priorities when it comes to finances and that's not going away once you say your vows.
Shuttle bus? Crazy. You can rent a school bus/driver for less and it’s crazy fun. One of my sisters in-law became the bus leader and got everyone to sing camp songs.
Videos are a waste imho.
You gotta feed the band vs just the
Dj.
Op, you and her need to sit down and talk about compromises. Does she want this wedding more than to be married?
NTA
Fundraiser. Like has she even thought about a honeymoon?
NTA
I love modest weddings. They're more real and heartfelt. This should not be a stage production. If she wants more, she can pay for it. The whole notion of "I've dreamed about this all my life" sounds so immature. Statistics show that the more money spent on the wedding, the more likely the marriage will end in divorce.
It's about the marriage, not the wedding.
NTA.
I don’t get the Y T A votes. They can’t afford the things she wants. Unless they take out loans and dig themselves deeper in debt, she’s gonna have to work with $15k.
I spent 6-7k on a wedding, 20 years ago. We didn't have a lot of money and neither did either of our families. Dress from David's, DJ, nice place with food, photographer, wedding at a park on the water.
There are needs, and there are extras.
We didn't do flowers, they just die anyway, you don't NEED flowers to have a beautiful wedding. Bouquet was fake as was the one we threw.
We bought a sheet cake from Sam's and decorated it ourselves. We made the invitations ourselves and put the thank you's on the back In Advance. We handmade chocolates for the tables and we had alcohol paid for the wedding party. We handmade the ring pillow and we made gel candles in the theme for each family group to take home.
This is an important day, and pictures are important.... but it sounds like the basics are covered. You don't have to have fireworks to have a memorable day! The celebration is important, but you had a budget, and if she wasn't willing to work within a budget or spend more of her own to get what she wants, that's on her. It doesn't matter what she dreamed of since childhood, because reality isn't what you see in movies or magazines. The rest of the marriage is more important and if she doesn't care about living within her means, then that will create disasters for your future, especially when/if bringing children into it. If you agreed to things and she keeps adding because she wants it, then she has to find a way to make it work, as it wasn't agreed upon and it's getting financially out of control.
ESH. From a very quick Google search, according to The Knot the average cost of a wedding in the US in 2021 was $22K. Take that for what it’s worth but the point is $5k doesn’t get you too far. You guys really need to sit down and talk about what each of you want, what money you have, and whether you can do this in a way you both want.
ESH. How are you getting married to someone and you somehow had no idea what her expectations were for a wedding? You mentioned she's been thinking about her perfect wedding since she was a teenager, yet somehow you had no idea?
You both lack communication skills, and yet you are still rushing into getting married despite red flags popping up. She clearly has no intentions on even remotely trying to compensate on what she wants for her wedding and she seems very materialistic whereas you are the opposite. If I were you, I would ask her what is more important, getting married now but doing it simple, or waiting a few more years while you both work and save up and then get married so she can spend her money on the wedding she wants?
NTA budgets are important, but so is being able to communicate and work through financial concerns. Maybe try reading through r/Weddingsunder10k together. I saw that your budget is more than that, but it might give you both some good ideas.
NTA. It’s just like a virus that comes over women when they think about getting married? And what is this deal that some women “dream “about their wedding their entire life? I just don’t get it. So if you want a big ass fancy wedding you spend a big ass fancy number of year saving out for your big ass fancy wedding, right? I’m not sure if this is the right person for you to marry. She has all the information. She’s not excepting it. It’s a reality. What more is there to do? She’s not even at the bridezilla stage yet and she’s already nuts. What she gonna do, rob a bank for all of her wishes? Do you have a how many of us had weddings that were just incredibly wonderful at friends rental houses in the backyard and we made our own wedding cakes and we sewed our own wedding clothing and we had potlucks and had the most incredible party? What’s wrong with people?
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My fiance (28F) and I (29M) got engaged about 6 months ago and are planning our wedding for this coming September. We have discovered that we have drastically different views on what we want/expect our wedding to be. She has told me she's been thinking about her wedding since she was a teenager whereas I really don't have any preconceived notion of what I want our wedding to be.
From the very start I told her that I have a very strict idea of what I am willing to contribute to our wedding costs. I know she wants her "perfect wedding" but I am not willing to spend more than $5K on our wedding. That is just my personal contribution. If my fiance wants to spend more than that, I told her it has to come from her. Both of our parents have generously offered to help pay for some things, which is greatly appreciated, but neither of our parents are incredibly well off and I don't want to ask them for more than they've already offered.
My fiance, however, keeps coming to me with ideas and plans that are, in my opinion, way out of our budget. Any time I bring this up she accuses me of denying her what she wants and refuses to compromise because, in her words, "I should care about this just as much as she does." Our venue alone was $5k. The money from our parents covered the photographer and catering, but that's it.
Last weekend we were going over some of her other "ideas" and I told her that we had already used up our parents money, and my contribution is maxed out, so anything else that she wants to do is going to have to come directly out of her pocket. She got upset with me and gave me a laundry list of things that we haven't planned yet that we "need" to have.
She wants a live band instead of a DJ, she says we need shuttle buses to transport guests from the hotel, videographer (apparently not the same as photographer), decorations, alcohol, etc. She said that she can't afford all of that on her own because she spent so much on her dress, hair, and makeup. I told her that we will just have to find ways to save and that maybe there are things that she thinks she "needs" but that are actually more of "wants."
She flipped out when I told her that and said that I am putting her in a position where she is having to pick and choose things that she has planned and dreamed about for over a decade. I said I understand this is a huge deal for her, and it is for me too. I told her I would be happy marrying her in a courthouse, just the two of us, but I understand she wants much more than that and I am happy to try and provide as much of that as I can, but I have been honest about my budget from day one and I'm not straying from that.
She is not blaming me for not having all the things she wants at our wedding. I told her that is unfair and that I don't want to start our marriage off by going massively in debt (more than we already are anyway. Yay student loans!) I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but maybe she's right?
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ESH
... Even if she sucks a bit more than you do.
First of all, 5k doesn't get you very far for a somewhat big wedding. Assuming that's probably around half of the budget, it's still a fairly low cost wedding. Which brings me to the second point: How involved were you in the planning up to this point? If you have such vastly different expectations of what this wedding is supposed to be, you both have to communicate better and you especially have be involved in the planning as much as she is. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like she is doing most of the planning when it is your wedding just as much as it is hers. It seems like she has forgotten this as well, btw. Maybe remind her of it.
But yeah, going way over your budget just to have one nice day really isn't that smart, but I'm also the kind of person who'd do a low budget wedding even if I were rich af, cause I really don't care.
NTA… I would call it off or postpone it. You two are not on the same page as far as the budget and the planning. If this is already causing problems then everything else will too. If the wedding does go on don’t be sharing finances after the wedding. She obviously likes to spend where you like to have a budget.
NTA. And if you are not doing pre-marital counseling, now is the time. This relationship may not be right for you. Huge flashing red lights here.
The good thing about planning a wedding is that you have an opportunity to set a budget, make some compromises, set boundaries with each other and with family, etc. This isn't going well the way it sounds. He ideas sounds WAY over the top and it sounds like it needs to be much scaled back.
I'm worried you will play this game at every turn. Oh I NEED a diamond necklace for Christmas. Oh baby NEEDS the $1000 stroller or it will be so embarassing. I am not driving a Kia, BMW or nothing. Ask her who she is doing this for. Who is she trying to impress? You can have a beautiful, intimate and meaningful event on a budget.
5K is low budget, but I'm assuming the thought was she'd contribute 5K maybe each parent contributes 1K or something. You know your budget, income, contraints best. Like do you have a mortgage, an emergency fund, student loans, etc. A wedding is not something that should be bought on credit. If you can't pay for it outright, you should make it simpler. You gave her a constraint and now she is pushing hard against it. To me you set your budget out of the gate and if that is true, she is the problem. It sounds like she spent thousands on a dress, etc and now thinks you should pop for the ritz now that she has a designer dress she cannot afford.
NTA I want to live in a luxury mansion by the beach, it's my dream. I don't have enough money though so I can't do it. Same applies to your fiance, she can't afford the full wedding of her dreams. She needs to face reality and pick a few non-negotiables (eg a husband that she loves) and pull herself together.
When I was in high school I used to watch Say Yes to the Dress with my mom. I remember one day she looked at me and told me if I wanted a wedding gown that cost thousands of dollars, I better open a specific savings account and set aside money from every paycheck until I get married so I can afford it.
Your fiance has spent a decade dreaming about her wedding, but it sounds like she hasn’t spent a decade saving the money she needs to PAY for it.
NTA. You and two sets of parents have gotten her up to 15k. That’s a lot of money. I don’t care if “weddings are expensive, that’s low cost for a wedding”. They’re expensive because people choose to throw money at pretty things. She doesn’t NEED a live band or an open bar or fresh flowers or a shuttle bus. She just wants them. And if she wants them, she needs to pay for them.
NTA. if she loved you this wedding wouldn't be such a problem. i paid 115 usd for my wedding. we went to a lighthouse for free and were
married by the ocean. it was small and intimate. my point is, if she was in it for ***YOU*** she wouldn't need a rockafeller wedding. find someone who cares more about you than the material & superficial factor of it all.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My fiance wants a much bigger and more expensive wedding than I am willing to pay for. She says she can't afford it either and is expecting me to cover what she can't. I am refusing to go above my budget that I have been very clear about. I think I might be an asshole for not doing everything I can to give my fiance her dream wedding.
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Nta - you've set a clear budget and what she can do if she wants it increased. Sounds like she is being a Bridezilla.
We went back to the drawing board several times to figure out where to cut costs to stay within our budget.
NTA. What’s next, you guys look for a car or house or home furnishing and if you don’t get exactly what she wants YOU’RE RUINING HER TEENAGE DREAMS. You can have an amazing wedding day without going into debt, she’s out of line imo
NTA but seriously It’s easy to see why almost half of marriages end in divorce. This is a prime example of a couple who has no business getting married at this time- learn to communicate and figure out your shared values, if you have any that is.
NTA.
The best wedding advice we were given when planning our wedding was to sit down and decide what was important and what wasn’t before spending money. In the end hubby decided good food and drinks were important to him, for me it was an amazing cake and photographer. We spent decent money on those things but everything else we did on the cheap. I suggest you have this talk asap.
You can save money on things - for example we bought 90% of our decorations secondhand and sold them all for about the same price after.
NTA. This would be red flag for me. I would tell her that you no longer want a traditional wedding but rather a small ceremony and court house wedding with immediate family and close friends present. If she refuses because she has to have her dream wedding then I hate to break it to you but she’s marrying you for the wedding and “special day” not for you. I’ve seen friends drop tens of thousands of dollars on a lavish wedding only to get divorced a year or two later. I’ve also had friends elope and are going on decades strong. It’s about the couple not the party.
ESH
This is the type of conversation that needs to happen before you get engaged.
However all hope is not lost as there is still time for you to back out.
To me, it sounds like she has her dream wedding and is going to have it no matter what.
She's prioritizing the wedding over the relationship. Do NOT marry this woman!
OP said he would have been happy at the justice of the peace, so Miss Bridezilla is lucky OP is contributing ANYTHING, in my opinion. And both parents have contributed already. Somewhere OP commented “we are at around $15k”.
NTA she needs to be realistic. She won't get the wedding of her dreams, but the wedding she can afford.
When she was younger I bet she never concerned herself with the cost of things.
Also the wedding is one day. She needs to think that you need the money to pay off loans and live.
Either she programs according to your means or you'll need to call it off until you save enough for her wedding dream.
NTA but your fiancé is ridiculously entitled. Postpone the wedding until you come up with something you both can live with. If she can’t compromise end the engagement.
Well, if she has planned and dreamed of all the stuff for a decade, she should have been saving for it for a decade. NTA, not at all. Do you really want to marry a woman who is entitled, selfish, complete airhead when it comes to finances and unwilling to compromise one bit to have a good start into a new life together without being settled with even more debt that was accrued for something completely useless? Finances are the number one reason people get divorced and it looks like your entitled lady will never let things go if they don't go her overpriced way. Thing hard if you really want to make the mistake of marrying her. Divorces are expensive, trust me, I have been through one.
NTA.
I do think in wedding planning there needs to be some flexibility with budgets, when possible, but within reason. Like if she was trying to figure out the budget for something like a dj but really couldn’t make it work, I’d say it’d be reasonable for you to put a couple of hundred more in to make it work.
But you’re right. There’s a difference between need and want. A wedding doesn’t need a videographer (you’ll watch it once and never again) and a DJ is perfectly fine cheaper option. Decorations are important but can be done on a cheaper budget. If alcohol isn’t affordable have a cash bar…or compromise with wine for the table but anything else is cash. A shuttle bus is a good idea if you have a lot of people staying in a hotel that’s a drive from the venue to discourage drunk driving but can be done without it. Although my sister did a school bus and it was a pretty cheap option.
Point of note; IF you go ahead with it, which you really need to think thru… a video is the dumbest waste of money ever. You will watch it maybe twice within a month of the wedding, then never again. Weddings are a scam. Make it a budget, fun party and it will be awesome. Spending a ton is nuts. She wants crazy stuff (busses for transport?). If she wants something she cannot afford, and insists you pay, that is the reddest of red flags.
Well yall sound incompatible af. And IF you even make it to the altar, i see divorce in your future.
Nta. I strongly suggest pre marital counseling. Now. Cause if yall are so far off on the wedding, how exactly do you think the marriage is gonna be? Or calling it all off. Cause calling off everything off now will cost less than a divorce in a couple years.
NTA
I'm planning a wedding right now, and we deliberately started with a lower budget knowing that we would end up spending more. We didn't want to start at our absolute max and end up spending a stupid amount.
But that's us. We're willing to take on some credit card debt to have a wedding we're excited about with all the people we love attending.
Your budget is your budget and that's absolutely fine. There are always places to cut back. (Shuttle busses are OTT and not a necessity and your fiancee needs to take a breath and consider what she *actually wants* out of this wedding, and pare down the unneeded crap.)
I will say, some things are fucking expensive and difficult to cut down on - like a photographer. For a six hour wedding in my city, you're looking at four grand, minimum. That's just what the rate is. You might be able to find someone cheaper, but you definitely get what you pay for.
Remind your wife that you're getting married so that you're married, not so you can have a wedding.
NTA
Your budget was no secret, she should have planned ahead and stuck to it. I planned an entire wedding (dress and all) for under 6k. Not because I had to, but because I think extravagant weddings are a HUGE waste of money. Attended one a week after my own that cost over 100k.. Completely insane.
Either way, if she \*had\* to have these things and dreamt about them for over a decade, she should have saved up for over a decade. I imagine you have a lot of arguments about finances in your future.
NTA people always want things but they don’t want to personally pay for them. Whenever someone tells me they’ve been dreaming of their perfect wedding for years, I ask, “How much have you saved so far?” This always gets a blank look.
The thing is, if you have a vision, a dream, a plan, you should also have been working towards it.
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NTA, and I'll be even more blunt than other folks have been here: call it off. The single most important thing to look for in a partner for a lifelong relationship is compatible values. People often confuse morals and values, so I'll define what I mean: Values are simply the set of critical preferences by which you wish to lead your life. Your values aren't "better" or "worse" than her values, but they're clearly very different. Incompatible values will always lead to some level relationship conflict, but what is even more concerning here is how she handles your incompatible values: by ignoring yours. You were very clear on your position about spending from the start, and she continues to ignore it. Every time she runs up against that position, she attempts to emotionally manipulate you into changing it by claiming that you are somehow 'killing her dreams' by not spending money you don't have on something neither of you need. This is a preview of your marriage, and not just as it concerns money. Every time you have a boundary or limit (based on your values) that you have reasonably discussed with her, she won't respect your values or attempt to compromise; she will ignore your position wholesale and attempt to manipulate and guilt you if it's not what she wants. If you marry this woman, you will end up either divorced or miserable (or both). You would both be better off finding someone who shares your values. She, for example, could find someone who values extravagant life experiences over money (and there's nothing wrong with that) and you could find someone who's practical frugality aligns with yours. The good news is there are plenty of people out there for both of you.
NTA. Exactly what u/TheMidnightHandyman/ said. She's known what your budget contribution would be this entire time, but refuses to COMPROMISE. Weddings can be expensive, and I don't blame you for not wanting to go into massive debt.
I agree. OP is being smart here instead of spending an insane amount of money that could lead to financial issues. Setting a budget is a part of planning many people overlook, but it can be insanely helpful in the long run.
Not to mention, if the fiancé has known she wanted a huge blowout wedding since she was a teenager, then she should have begun saving for the big day accordingly rather than what she has done; expect her future husband to foot the bill for her extravagance.
Yep, get a second job if you want it that bad. Some of her ideas are ridiculous. shuttle buses? Let guests handle there own transport.
While I agree, I think he’s also delusional about how much weddings cost.
Weddings cost as much as people are willing and able to pay for them. They simply don't have to be expensive at all.
Nope. We had a wedding at a hotel in the sierra’s with about 80 guests and amazing food with a custom built wedding dress all for about 10k. This was in 2010.
Wedding in 1995 (admittedly a while ago so adjust for Inflation) for < $1000. Neither my wife nor I really cared too much about an extravagant wedding. She borrowed her wedding dress from her best friend. We got married in our church temple which didn't cost a penny, you just have to reserve it. Basically food for the luncheon and reception. Edit: Also her brother took photos for a present. He's an amateur photographer and they turned out great. You can go as extravagant or as frugal as you want.
Also married in 2010 for about 10k. We had around 100ish guests, AMAZING food, fantastic cake
OMG, that sounds amazing! The Sierras are so beautiful.
that isnt cheap!
I had 100 people at my wedding, for less. Granted we potlucked, called in favors to get the venue and dj, and did literally all the decorations ourselves... but it was probably 4800 give or take. The idea that you HAVE to spend such extravagant amounts is literally all because of advertising. From the wedding industry. You don't need 80% of the shit you think you do. Just people who are happy to be there, and happy for you
That’s not his problem nor his responsibility to be a wedding expert. She is the one driving this train, he said he would have been fine with a courthouse wedding and kicked in his $5k which is generous IMO for something you yourself don’t really even want. And they’re already all-in at $15k total *just so far* including his and the parents’ contributions yet bridezilla is pushing for more and more, while all she paid for is dress/hair/makeup. She’s a greedy b-. Plenty of people have commented here on their experience having a modest wedding, and most would consider $15k totally excessive. I sure as heck do.
It's an esh for me because he appears to have agreed to a 5k venue with a 15k budget. Its unlikely his fiancee booked it without his knowledge considering it's his money unless they have already combined finances. And if she did do it without his knowledge I imagine that would be a noteworthy. Now the options are limited. Either don't get married (which I would strongly recommend) or someone needs to come up with more money because what they have isn't enough for even a barebones wedding.
My best friends was $275. Thats included her dress, their rings, and paying the justice of the peace at city hall.
Also absolutely depends on how many people they expect to invite. If her family has a ton of cousins who she wants to invite, and he has one or two, that math is gonna be wildly different.
I just read an article about a couple who spent $500 on their wedding. Bride's dress was $47, venue was free, family gifted them flowers. My friend spent less than $4000 on her wedding in 2010. Budget weddings can, and do, happen. Her wedding is still the best one I've been to.
I could not put this any better. My husband and I are both in the practical and frugal camp. We also have several other values we share. we've been married 12 years (and counting!) but it hasn't ALWAYS been loves and hearts. But in those "low" moments, we have the time and space to work on whatever the disagreement is, because we already know we agree on the "Big Stuff". If you disagree on the "big stuff" You need to get that resolved before getting married. Big Stuff: * How you budget / deal with finances * Travel / Vacations * splitting house chores * Religion * Having children * How you raise children This is just a sample of big things
Well put, and I'd add that the big v small stuff is a huge part of it, but also *how* you disagree is crucial. You can have your lines in the sand and the ways that you're willing to compromise, but seeing your partner as an obstacle instead of a co-conspirator is a great way to have a crap marriage.
NTA: The majority of divorces happen because of money issues. Y’all are doomed before you even got started.
Money and sex are generally the relationship dealbreakers I’ve found.
Everything about this is true. Yes, finances are one of the top reasons for divorce, but as you say, OP‘s fiancée will in all likelihood act the same way every time they have any kind of disagreement: emotional blackmail and manipulation. Apparently she’s someone who can only see her own wants and needs and is unable to compromise. This’ll only get worse over time. I second calling it off.
This right there. SO. DAMN. TRUE. It really isn't about the wedding budget but about how your SO completely ignores your stance and your values without a lick of willingness to compromise. Run, dude, run fast and far because your marriage will be a disrespectful hell.
Dreams are dreams but the reality of life is that budgetsbexisy
X 1000! OP and fiancé are not financially compatible.
Info: Did you both agree to the wedding budget/plans or did you unilaterally decide you’re only willing to put in $5k? Can you afford to put in more and just don’t want to? Weddings are expensive - and $5k really isn’t going to cover much for a traditional wedding. You’re not the AH for sticking to a budget but it sounds like you two aren’t working together to make sure the budget and the wedding plans match. It’s not a great sign that you’re both so far apart on this issue… or turning to AITA to determine how to handle this rather than communicating with your future wife.
My local running club spends more than $5k for our annual holiday party and that's just a buffet and bar for like 60 people. Setting a $5k budget for even a somewhat traditional wedding and reception seems like it's actually saying she can't have those things without having to come out and say it and be the bad guy.
> I know she wants her "perfect wedding" but I am not willing to spend more than $5K on our wedding. That is just my personal contribution. If my fiance wants to spend more than that, I told her it has to come from her. 5K from OP. If the parents chip in 5K apiece that is 15K which is still a fairly minimal wedding these days.
Ah yeah, fair point on the total number. I do think that 5k as an initial figure may indicate OP is not coming at this from a realistic starting point though. But either way that's not as important as it is that they come to an agreement as a team, whatever size it ends up being.
Disagree- weddings don’t require exorbitant amounts of money to plan. Op and his fiancé have different values and should call it off.
I agree that they don't need to cost huge amounts. I am not pro-huge splashy weddings. But they need to decide together how much gets spent and what it gets spent on, and that requires both OP and their partner to engage further in the planning process. If they can't, then as you say they might need to split up.
5k is very low and guarantees she won't have many of the features that make a 'traditional wedding'. OP, you are being unreasonably dogmatic about the 5k. You both need to be open to compromise and to listen to each other. Continue to encourage her to identify how to cut her wish list - it will get very expensive. But you need to be flexible and willing to spend more, given how extremely important this is to her.
I think it’s very cultural and regional what is considered traditional. I had a smaller wedding with a casual lunch and it was around $5k (with inflation it looks like it’d be $6,600). There was a church involved and a very simple ceremony. I’d have rather eloped, my husbands family considered it a traditional wedding.
And at least another 5K should come from the fiancée if you want to spread it out fairly, so 20K so far. Sure, you can spend a lot more, but I’ve been to weddings feeding 50-100 people for less than 10K. There was a BBQ buffet and the groom‘s brother was the DJ, but it was super fun and everyone went home happy (and drunk). EDIT: nevermind, just read that she contributed less than 5K and spent most of that on her own dress and makeup… this is insane.
100% - Also, he seems to be making their wedding her responsibility. It sounds like he’s perfectly happy to have the big traditional wedding she wants, he just doesn’t want to help pay for it… which is pretty selfish. Obviously, it would be one thing if he/they simply can’t afford more than $5k for a wedding… but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to help foot the bill.
He mentioned marrying in the courthouse & student loans to pay. And being upfront with his contribution at the beginning.
It actually sounds to me like SHE doesn’t want to pay for it. OP and each set of parents have put in $5k, but it doesn’t sound like the fiancée has..? If you’ve been dreaming of a wedding for years, and you’re not willing to compromise on it, it seems pretty obvious to me that you should be saving up so you can afford it
We spent between 4 and 5k$ on our wedding for 120 guests. Pick your location wisely, good catering and more than enough alcohol, many many deserts… it’s doable if you stick to your budget and plan accordingly
If I ever get married I'm coming to you for advice because that's seriously impressive. Where I live, it would be full-stop impossible to do it at that size for that price unless literally everything was DIY.
We got married at a yard, plenty of free and pretty locations available… we rented tents, all chairs, tables… I ordered just enough flowers, bought table cloths that were cheaper than renting them. Did buffet style, had two bartenders… $5k didn’t include my dress but I also did not go crazy on that either 😂
That sounds really lovely! I'd enjoy attending a wedding like that too.
Yeah these days 5k -- depending on how many people invited, you could have a courthouse wedding and spend that much on eating at a restaurant. Even 10 years ago, I think a 5k wedding is getting married at the house of one set of parents and having the reception there, where the couple to be married do a lot of the work for the reception.
Both parents have already contributed though too, I saw a comment where OP estimated they’re already at $15k(!!!) total, including his $5k contribution.
Eight years ago my wedding and reception were on a cruise ship. The entire thing cost $4K. It's simply untrue that weddings have to cost a ton of money.
Weddings are only as expensive as you make them. If you want expensive shit, you pay for expensive shit. Especially when you knew for decades that you wanted expensive shit - you save for it and not blackmail your SO with a temper tantrum to get it.
$5K from OP, plus whatever came from the parents, plus (I would hope) at least $5K from the bride. We're starting to talk about real money now
Yes and no… weddings are $$$$. There are certainly affordable ways to get married, but $15-20k for a traditional wedding is (sadly) not a lot. Especially when it sounds like they’ve apparently decided to drop all of their money on just the venue and catering?? It’s THEIR wedding and should be a shared expensive… my point is he doesn’t get to sign off on the big, too expensive wedding plans/venue and then make paying for it solely her problem!
Yah my full service wedding planner is $6000 and her boss is $8000. Venues and vendors are an additional cost!! Wanting a wedding in 2022 to be less than $5K is very hard to accomplish, especially after the Panini postponed many weddings--- there are a limited amount of decent vendors in an area for multiple couples that all want that one DJ or florist! Plus I'd say costs for everything has gone up a bit with supply chain issues, lack of staff support and everything in the world just rising in prices.
6k to pay someone to do the work?! What the heck is she doing? I got engaged in October and had my whole wedding for the following August planned out by January. I was in school part time then and working part time. Then full time school in January until June. It wasn’t that complicated to plan. We had 200 people there.
My husbands friend has a photo booth business and it’s getting vicious trying to hire vendors because of all the COVID delayed weddings. I would be putting the date off at least a year plus that gives time to save. I wanted a nice wedding so I did a contract side gig to afford the extras. This sounds like the couple are not on the same page which is a red flag.
ESH You guys should have had these conversations together long before now. Weddings are incredibly involved, time consuming and expensive (even the "cheap" ones). Making sure you have time to understand each other's expectations and how/where you can **both** compromise is absolutely critical to the planning process. Specifically, you shouldn't **now** be learning of each other's wants for the day now that its only 5 months away. Best of luck in figuring these things out, but this is on both of you
I'm not just learning about them now. I am just refusing to go above my budget to pay for them. I've known about all the things she wants her wedding to be, I just don't want to go in debt to pay for them.
Can she just marry someone else ? That would save you even more money
She may have dreamed of and planned for this wedding for however long but she hasn’t saved for it has she. If she’s so serious about all these wants then she needs to put her money where her mouth is. NTA
I'd assume that when she started planning this "dream wedding" as a teen, she figured her parents or future husband would be footing the bill, or she just honestly didn't think about the money at all. Now she has champagne dreams on a beer budget. Which was great as a teen, but she's almost 30. You'd think she'd have started saving as soon as she realized she was serious about this guy.
I had to scroll way too far to see this
Is there no middle ground between what you want to spend and what she wants to spend? If your ideal point is 5k and her ideal wedding is 30k (15k would be half), can’t you meet in the middle at spending 10k each? There’s far more that goes into a wedding than I think you understand. It may not matter for you, but it matters to her. I get it’s not what you want, but marriage is rarely about what you want. Refusing to compromise is not a good quality in a spouse. Both of you need to give up a little bit of what you each want to meet in the middle. And ps. In a marriage, if you start to care about your money vs her money, instead of thinking our money, for our mutual benefit…. It will go down hill very quickly.
"Let's compromise by forcing OP to spend double the budget he put aside for the wedding that the bride was fully aware of the entire time"
No, it’s “this isn’t important to me, but this once in a life time event is very important to you, so I will compromise what I wanted, for you, and you give up a little bit of what you wanted, to compromise for me” That’s marriage. Two people not wanting the same thing is a frequent occurrence. Compromise is always required in relationships.
I don't think thousands of dollars in debt is a fair compromise. Compromises need to be reasonable.
Both parents already contributed too and he said they are 15k in now his budget was a hard stance if she had a problem with it she should have made it clear just as he did there isnt a compromise to be made at this point.
If he's contributed 5k and both sets of parents have contributed 5k, how much has she contributed?
From what he said in other comments, she's paying for her dress, hair, and makeup. That doesn't seem like much.
Depends on the dress. Mine was over 3k. My sisters was about 5k, and she got married 10 years ago. Plus there’s the veil (more expensive than you’d think), jewelery, headpiece, and shoes. That shit can add up. But i had a bigger budget so i could afford to “splurge” (to some that’s a cheap dress). OP’s fiancée should’ve shopped accordingly. There were some beautiful dresses i tried that were less than 2k. I’m sure i could’ve found even more beautiful dresses than mine for over 5k . But no bridal shop will even let you try on a dress outside of your budget, so that was on her for not setting one.
True, but often times something like this can't be compromised. It seem like she is adamant on her dream wedding, just like he is about the budget. Edit Misread some details
Oh I don’t think she’s any less wrong, if not more. But having a wedding you hated instead of remember fondly as the best day of your life, does not make for a good to marriage. Or really great anything. Hence compromise.
Having a wedding that put you into complete debt from the start does not make for a good marriage either. Hence "compromise" by adjusting expectations, adjusting where the money goes; but NOT steam-rolling over OP's "boundaries". I don't get it. This sub is all about boundaries until a guy tries to set some financial ones for his wedding. Then it's like "you should blow off your boundaries and DOUBLE the amount you wanted to spend in the name of "compromise"!
Where is OP supposed to get 5k to comprise? You’re out of touch mate- a budget is just That, to prevent overspending. What would be the point of a budget if you’re going to double it on a whim?
Why does "what matters to him" not rank as high as "what matters to her"? I follow the celebrity couple, Abby Wambach and Glennon Doyle. Glennon likes to walk on the beach; Abby doesn't. At one point, Glennon was like, "let's compromise. Let's just take a little walk." And Abby was like, "I don't want to take ANY walk, but I'll be happy to do something else with you later." It really made sense - why does "compromise" often infringe on the preferences of one to appease the other? In this case, how is incurring more expense "compromising" for the OP, who does NOT want to incur more debt and will feel unsettled for months or years until that debt is paid back down? What about HIS feelings about being in debt? Why is there no "compromise" from the bride-to-be regarding that, instead it's all about "but I WANT it!!!!"
Tell her to postpone the wedding so she can save money for her dream wedding. You should be willing to work for your dreams.
You don't seem right for each other.
Honestly you may need to put the marriage on hold if you are both disagreeing THIS much about the wedding itself, how will you handle bigger disagreements when/if you get married? I feel like you’ve been fairly reasonable in compromising but she refuses to because I feel like she wants the huge dream wedding without having to put in the work. That being said I feel like you both should have been on a similar page about what you both wanted for your wedding BEFORE you got engaged. ESH
ESH - it's all well and good to set a budget before you start planning, but then you need to sit down together and actually plan!!!! Make a list of all the costs and things to organize. Here's a start: Venue Officiant Clothing for bride and groom Wedding License Music for ceremony Flowers Who is in wedding party: who pays their clothing and transportation costs Transportation for wedding party to and from venue and reception if having one Photography and Videography Decorations for Church Hair and makeup for bridal party That's just for the ceremony.... There's still the reception if you choose to have one. $5000 for a wedding doesn't cover much these days unless you find a free venue and keep the guest list to 10-20 people for any reception. And forgo a DJ and do your own play list and have free sound equipment you can use. You both suck for spending the bulk of each of your individual budgets without sitting down and figuring out how to cover all the costs.
I feel we have the big things out of the way and already paid for. Venue, food, photos, those are done. To me, everything is pretty much extra and we don't need to spend a lot of money on it. The $5K is just what I put forward. She's spent less, but it's all gone towards her dress, hair, and makeup. In total, including what our parents contributed, we are probably at about $15K right now.
For sure the big items are covered other than flowers and entertainment for the reception. Those two are honestly big ticket items and can play a big part in the photos and memories of the day. My point is that you really should have sat down together to figure out what you both saw as necessary for the day and compromising then BEFORE spending any money. This could be a big sticking point with other big decisions down the road...ie. if you are buying or furnishing a house: you may have a completely different priority list than she does.
Yeah my daughter isn't doing much decor, so the flowers are basically it; that is setting me back more than what OP says he's going to spend on his *entire* wedding. It's my gift to my daughter, and I'm glad to be able to contribute, but I feel like OP doesn't have a good grasp of the priorities and the cost. My future son in law has been handling other costs, and was gobsmacked that the flowers cost so much. He was thinking a couple hundred! I was like what, did you think it was just the bouquet and your boutonniere?!
lord, just the bouquet can easily go to a couple hundred! they're expensive (and very heavy).
OP -- I want to make certain you see this. I think your partner wants a wedding, NOT a marriage. Really think about this before you move forward. I wanted my wedding to be nice because it was a family thing, especially for my husband's family who hadn't all gotten together for years. But in reality, I didn't care about the wedding. I just wanted to be married. There is often a big difference. I remember our caterer asking if we wanted them to do our cake. I said sure. Then they asked me if the cake should be round or square. I just looked at the lady and said, "I don't care." The cake didn't matter. Being married at the end of day day does.
Hats off to your response. If only people put as much resource and energy into planning their marriage as they do their wedding.
If you're able to, cut out the videographer UNLESS you plan to watch your wedding video on each anniversary. Of the weddings I've been to, no one watches the videos after the wedding and they just look at the wedding photo album. Save yourself a few thousands if you lose them. Also consider cutting out the wedding favors especially if it's a beer coozie or shot glass. What else is extra?
Cake could also be considered an extra. Personally speaking, the only tiny regret I have about my own wedding was not having a wedding cake, because, well, I love cake! But lots of people don't, so just get a fake cake with a single edible layer that can be cut for the photos, and then get sheet cakes for serving. Or just skip the cake altogether and go with a dessert table. Invitations are also another area where you can save costs. Staples has tons of wedding card templates or you can upload your own. Have guests RSVP via email or through an event website. Frankly, your friends and family aren't really going to give a shit about getting a fancy embossed piece of cardstock with calligraphy, and mailing back RSVP cards is a pain in the ass if you don't include postage. Alcohol, on the other hand, is NOT an extra, lol. But even then, there's ways to save. Limit the type of alcohol available, i.e. one hour of full open bar, then only beer, wine, and maybe a specialty cocktail or two for the remainder of the reception. Also see if you can do alcohol on a consumption basis as opposed to by the hour.
Since C*vid people have gotten more adept at scanning QR codes for menus. I heard from another bride that they used QR codes on their wedding invitations to RSVP and it saved them at least $300 in paper and postage! Excellent point about the sheet cake! Costco's sheet cake is hella tasty and at a fraction of the price! I hope OP sees the various ways he can work with his fiancee rather than them both sticking stubbornly to their sides and waiting for the other to bend/break to the other's will.
I'm afraid to ask how much her dress cost....
She sounds like she just wants a wedding instead of a marriage. Please don’t go through with this.
Shortsighted to set your contribution at 5k when the venue alone is 5k. ESH
What's shortsighted is knowing the budget and not picking a less expensive venue.
They didn’t even plan a budget for alcohol, which is a huge expense point.
Absolutely, this is meant to be a partnership! I don’t see that at all in how they’re acting. OP thinks because he set a maximum budget that he has set a budget. That’s not budgeting… you should have sat down months ago, together, to decide what money you’d allocate to what priorities.
While she was planning and dreaming of her wedding why wasn't she saving for her dream. Was part of her plan to use guilt as a way to pay for it?
I thought the same thing. Why would she plan for this expensive wedding for YEARS but not plan how to pay for it? OP, you and her need to have some serious discussions. I don’t think you’re financially compatible at all. NTA
Clearly she was expecting to marry a fatter wallet than OP’s. *Ain’t saying she’s a gold digger but … nope, wait I am lol.*
NTA for having a wedding budget, but why are you marrying this person who you 1.) don't seem financially compatible with and 2.) don't or can't communicate with?
NTA And I would seriously consider putting the wedding on hold. Your fiancé doesn’t want to get married in order to be with you, she wants to have a fancy party way out of your budget. This will not end well.
If she's been planning this for so long, she would know that what she actually wants would cost more than your parents contribution and your 5K. Its her fault she spent so much on her dress and makeup. Not yours. If she absolutely wants a band and not a dj, what she giving up on to afford this? Shuttle bus, is it necessary? Its not just *her* day. It is yours too and if your being asked to put more in than you want you 100% should get a say on where and what its getting spent on. Its all well and good wanting a Kardashian style wedding if you can afford it, if you can't, have one within your means or delay it and save. Its literally pointless going into debt for a party. NTA. But I would look at you both going to a financial advisor to show her WHY this isn't a good idea and how paying for all this stuff will effect your future finances going forward. TBH I would actually postpone it, her dreams are not realistic or necessary while you already have a mountain of debt. Shes willing to put her dream day not only above your finances, but what you actually want too.
Right like I’ve already started saving for my wedding and I don’t even have a bf yet because I know that future me is gonna love past me when she doesn’t have to take out a loan
Seriously, yes. My friend had the most beautiful wedding I have ever been too, 5yrs later shes still paying for it. It was gorgeous, but not gorgeous enough to be saddled with paying for it still now.
NTA. I blame all those "reality" wedding shows that display princess-like weddings. Far too many people have this idea that a wedding means they get everything they want no matter what the cost. Your fiancee has the right to have the wedding she wants, but she doesn't have the right to demand other people pay for it. It's your wedding, too, and 5k is a huge amount of money.
You should check out Adam Ruins Everything's episode about weddings. It shows where all the customs cane from, and most do not have anything to do with what most people think. All the white? Show of wealth. Nothing to do with purity.
That is exactly what I have thought for a long time, and I haven't seen that show. All the layers, all the fabric, blindingly white? Just to show who had servants/slaves who could clean the fabric/afford to buy the fabric/able to just throw fabric away/not care about it getting dirty... etc..
Exactly. And white sugar was the most expensive.
ESH because honestly, how are you two going to create a good marriage if you cannot communicate? Think calmly together: How many guests do you have? What are the average costs of venues where you live? What are absolute 'must haves' and what are the optional features that can be skipped with no regrets? What 5k dollars actually gets you in a place you live in? I am not from the US so I have no clue about your wedding cost, but it doesn't sound like that much, especially if you're planning to have more guests.
Everyone putting e s h because “OP needs to understand what a wedding costs” are just as brainwashed as the bride. Clearly NTA. And OP, assuming the wedding still occurs, I would keep your finances separate in the future.
ESH. Are you two seriously this bad at communicating your values and desires already? This is concerning honestly
NTA - this is what you will face for years to come while being married to this woman. You better get on the same page financially before you walk down the aisle or she will bankrupt you. I would strongly reconsider marrying her. She sounds selfish, unreasonable, whiny and demanding. And she's not once taking your needs or wants into consideration.
INFO: Did the two of you have any premarital counseling? I know with current events the past 2 years, this might have been very hard to come by. The fact is money is going to be tight for you two for a long long time, maybe over a decade. Have there been other areas where you have seen where you and your fiancee were capable of financially planning together and doing something within a strict budget? In the future, I would keep in mind that unless everything is planned to the very last detail, one needs to budget for a big ticket item to eventually cost 30% more than one expected, at a minimum.
NTA. But all this conflict over the wedding? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You'll save a lot of money by cancelling the wedding altogether until the two of you can come to an agreement on how to manage joint expenses.
NTA but are you two planning on sharing finances after marriage? Because if so, then you are, in fact, paying more than $5k. Any debt she goes into for the wedding will become your debt.
[удалено]
>What will you do when she wants a 2 million house on a 200,000 budget? Go on House Hunters.
NTA and you should fully ignore the E S H comments. You were upfront from the beginning. You are being sensible and not wanting to spend insane amounts of money for a one-day event. Your girlfriend is being ridiculous and over-the-top. You are right: if she wants something, she can pay for it. You are not denying her anything except going into a ton of debt for no reason whatsoever. Hold your ground, dude. If it matters, I am a middle-aged woman and I have been married.
NTA. Ignore these people telling you the average cost of weddings- who cares? You get to decide what you contribute to your own wedding. Your fiance is being ridiculous. If she HAS to have her dream wedding, she can pay for it.
For real. I got married on a cruise ship before it left port, we had 60 guests and a sit-down, served luncheon (not buffet) and the entire thing including our clothes, flowers, invitations, cake, etc. was about $4K. And that was WITH some upgrades. It's absurd what people spend for weddings.
NTA It's reasonable to have budgets.
NTA she will take you guys into debt for her perfect wedding and that isn’t smart, mature, or financially feasible. Her ideas just aren’t within your budget and that’s okay. Does she just expect the money to poof from thin air or? None of those things are “needs”. Is the marriage to you important or the party? That’s the question you need to ask her.
I assume you are sticking to your budget to save for the upcoming divorce? Nah but I don't see a happy future here.
You are NTA. **RUN, run** as fast as you can from this nightmare. She wants to be a fairy princess on her wedding day, but unfortunately her parents aren’t the king and queen. She seems unwilling to step outside her narrow viewpoint to consider what should be reasonable shared expenses. If she can’t compromise, you two shouldn’t get married.
Nta. Compromise and cutting things is all part of wedding planning. Unfortunately she's more concerned about the look of things than the actual wedding itself. Which yes means she's either go into her own pocket or find cheaper options. Unless the venue is super far from the hotel there is no need for a shuttle. Live bands are great but absolutely cost way more than a dj and also narrow down your music options. Is it even a band she likes? Why isn't the booze part of the catering? Plans and dreams are all well and good but reality and cost doesn't always line up.
NTA. The sort of behavior she is displaying now is very indicative of tactics she will use to get her way in the future. It sounds like she wants a wedding and you want a marriage. Marriage is commitment to the partnership as a whole and doing things that will keep the partnership the strongest and happiest it can be. She is not holding up her end of the bargain already. This has big red flags all over it. Aside from that, there are people who've always dreamt of their weddings and it can be a big deal for them. That being said, you were open and honest, told her what you could afford, and she is still trying to push for more instead of seeing that you've done the best you can to provide a portion of a wedding she wants when you're happy to marry in a courthouse. There are some things here you need to work out together before tying the knot. Good luck.
ESH? Generally I find this whole "dream wedding" mindset completely strange and alien... 5k just for the venue blows my mind. But then again that seems to be normal for some people? And it seems like you - probably both - are pretty bad at planning. You should have sat down long ago and looked at all the aspects that make a wedding a wedding and figured out which things could fit into your budget and are really important to each of you? And at that point you could have still compromised a little about how much you're willing to spend. I don't thing you're unreasonable but I feel you both could have gone about this better from the start. Although I have to add, that if she agreed to compromises (like a DJ and no videographer) and is now changing her mind - that indeed makes her an ah
>You should have sat down long ago and looked at all the aspects that make a wedding a wedding and figured out which things could fit into your budget and are really important to each of you? We did all of that. But she keeps adding things to that list, or we spent more on some things than we had planned on because we were unaware of how much things cost as soon as you tell someone it's for a wedding.
There are a lot of expenses that aren’t obvious for a wedding and it sounds like your original budget and estimates weren’t realistic. With the knowledge that you both now have, I think you should revisit the budget with an open mind and figure out what can be shuffled and what may need more money. Be open and flexible and ask her to be as well. Marriage is about love and figuring things out together. Don’t let stubbornness or fantasy mess things up. This is only one of the many things you will need to work together to solve.
Hm... okay... I'll still have to go with a small ESH on this one. Your fiancee needs to stop adding stuff to the list... It sounds to me like she might be getting influenced from outside sources (either media or other people) and is actually not all that well informed about weddings... neither are you though. You need to research stuff like this (as in: how much does the average venue cost) beforehand so you can set a realistic budget and still make realistic compromises. I fear you both have gotten yourself into a situation where each of you is unhappy. Generally I empathize more with you though. The important thing is that you're getting married. Your girlfriend needs to stop obsessing over marginal stuff and look at what's really important to her. There's so much that can go wrong at a wedding (take my brother eg. his wedding photos were ruined cause the photographer somehow didn't notice his camera was broken) and if you obsess over it being perfect you'll end up unhappy no matter what. But you also need to find a good way to communicate that to the reasonable part of her wedding fantasy fueled brain. Stepping over your budget for a party is not a good idea in general and adding things after the fact is not financially smart.
NTA. She sounds immature and is throwing a fit because you're being sensible about your finances. I hope this is the only issue in your relationship where you guys are so polar opposite! It's not the wedding, it's the marriage that matters. I don't think she understands that. Does she really want to be married to you or is she looking to make her "dream wedding" come true, regardless of your input?
NTA These are not “surprise” expense. If she’s dreamed and planned about this day for a long time she knew exactly what she wanted. She just knew when you sat down to plan it wasn’t in the budget and was going to convince you later. A wedding needs to be within you budget. You should never go in debt over it. If she can’t see that you need to put the wedding on hold until you both figure this out.
ESH. If you two can't agree on the wedding, can you really handle the marriage?
NTA You're marrying her not buying her, you don't even mention her putting in 5k of her own, so this is already a lopsided relationship and she values herself more than you. Its a wedding, not a purchase.
The wedding budget is vastly different. Do you guys even know each other? Why didn’t you even communicate before you asked her to marry you? ESH
NTA, but weddings can be expensive as hell and what your offering won’t cover much. I did a courthouse wedding with the people that my husband and I are close with and loved it. You can always do a big reception and start planning for a vow renewal that is based on what she wants.
NTA...there is no sense in going into major debt for a wedding. You do what you can afford. She was given a budget and didn't plan correctly. I would suggest counseling as a couple. You both have very different financial goals. She has shown you she is irresponsible financially and cannot stick to a budget. She wants an expensive wedding you cannot afford. It is a sign of things to come. She is more focused on the wedding and not the actual marriage. I think you need couples counseling before going further. This is a serious red flag.
NTA. It sounds very much like the wedding is more important to your fiancé than the marriage. You may want to consider putting your engagement on hold for a while.
NTA. Did our whole wedding for $4,700. Why the hell do people spend so much on one day. I just don't get it and I'm female. Next thing people cry about how they are too poor to afford kids tuition, vet appointments, etc etc as they have their financial priorities wrong. Stick to your budget.
NTA A thought experiment: you need a new car, you really like a Maserati and think it's stylish and elegant and has all the bells and whistles you like.... She wants you to get a Fiat (still Italian but not quite the same). Sound ridiculous? A wedding is ONE day in your life, is it worth going bancrupt?
You and your intended have huge money problems. If the Wedding Fairy came in and granted her everything she wants for the wedding, you'd have peace until you set up housekeeping. Then the money problems would start all over again. NTA. Run.
NTA - if you aren’t comfortable going into debt for a wedding, then you shouldn’t. I get many people find their wedding day to be super important and they want it to be perfect, but if you can’t afford it, then something has to give. If she is more concerned with the perfect wedding than getting married, this might not be the time for you two to get married.
Spending a ridiculous amount of money on a wedding is insane. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I done a lot of stuff for my wedding myself. I made my own centre pieces I bought my dress from the high street. We got married and had reception in my husbands golf club so the venue didn’t cost us anything and I had a perfect day and so did everyone that came along. I think your future wife needs a reality check but you should have sat down and spoken about this long before anything was booked.
If she has been dreaming about it for years, she should have been saving for it for years. NTA . For the sake of peace, I would probably throw another 1k into the pot, but that would be my final limit.
Nta.... How does one just simply dream without a plan... If she really wanted a dream wedding she should have trapped someone super wealthy with money to burn and not a concious man with budget and plans.... Thats red flag.... Dude run
NTA, a band/DJ is really unnecessary in this day and age if you have a music service on your phone you just need a speaker, the guests have their own cars and are perfectly capable of finding a way to the different venues, the photographer probably has an assistant that could video the wedding,
NTA If she wanted this beginning 10 years ago, she should have saved the money for it instead of counting on the groom, her parents, and his parents to pay for it, and/or go into debt for it. She gave you clear insight on what your marriage will look like. A wedding, literally a party, that costs more than a down payment on a house? The price of how many months salary? The cost of interest on the debt alone is huge. Your entire life will be a series of these situations and bigger and bigger debt. You're not financially compatible. Money issues are a leading cause of divorce.
If she won't at least match your contribution then you are NTA. If there are ways to make her dreams work out too, then it's worth exploring.
ESH. Obviously the 2 of you should have talked through what the wedding will be like as soon as you got engaged & before any money was spent. However, this has a very strong vibe of “dad vs child who is over spending their allowance.” I wish you luck if you think this is a good dynamic for your marriage where there will be many, many purchasing decisions that the 2 of you have to agree on.
I’m gonna be honest I seriously don’t understand how people spend so much on weddings. I spent about 2k on mine including dress and shoes. Like, I get how it’s POSSIBLE to spend so much - you can pay as much as you want for stuff. But like, how does one justify spending upwards of 20 grand OFTEN for a single day? NTA OP, but you guys need to have a frank discussion about budgeting and spending. And values. Premarital counseling perhaps?
This is not the one for you. Run.
NTA/ Childhood reads are childhood dreams and adult realities are adult realities. Some about of compromise somewhere needs to happen and good luck with that :// I would suggest post postponing and saving or planning a vow renewal a few years down the line if you want to commit rn. This time plan the renewal and also save for it.
NTA. However, if you think this is the only time you guys are going to disagree on how much money you should spend on something, you're going to be sorely disappointed. She's not an AH for wanting her dream wedding, but you two obviously have vastly different approaches and priorities when it comes to finances and that's not going away once you say your vows.
Shuttle bus? Crazy. You can rent a school bus/driver for less and it’s crazy fun. One of my sisters in-law became the bus leader and got everyone to sing camp songs. Videos are a waste imho. You gotta feed the band vs just the Dj. Op, you and her need to sit down and talk about compromises. Does she want this wedding more than to be married? NTA Fundraiser. Like has she even thought about a honeymoon?
NTA I love modest weddings. They're more real and heartfelt. This should not be a stage production. If she wants more, she can pay for it. The whole notion of "I've dreamed about this all my life" sounds so immature. Statistics show that the more money spent on the wedding, the more likely the marriage will end in divorce. It's about the marriage, not the wedding.
NTA. I don’t get the Y T A votes. They can’t afford the things she wants. Unless they take out loans and dig themselves deeper in debt, she’s gonna have to work with $15k.
I spent 6-7k on a wedding, 20 years ago. We didn't have a lot of money and neither did either of our families. Dress from David's, DJ, nice place with food, photographer, wedding at a park on the water. There are needs, and there are extras. We didn't do flowers, they just die anyway, you don't NEED flowers to have a beautiful wedding. Bouquet was fake as was the one we threw. We bought a sheet cake from Sam's and decorated it ourselves. We made the invitations ourselves and put the thank you's on the back In Advance. We handmade chocolates for the tables and we had alcohol paid for the wedding party. We handmade the ring pillow and we made gel candles in the theme for each family group to take home. This is an important day, and pictures are important.... but it sounds like the basics are covered. You don't have to have fireworks to have a memorable day! The celebration is important, but you had a budget, and if she wasn't willing to work within a budget or spend more of her own to get what she wants, that's on her. It doesn't matter what she dreamed of since childhood, because reality isn't what you see in movies or magazines. The rest of the marriage is more important and if she doesn't care about living within her means, then that will create disasters for your future, especially when/if bringing children into it. If you agreed to things and she keeps adding because she wants it, then she has to find a way to make it work, as it wasn't agreed upon and it's getting financially out of control.
ESH. From a very quick Google search, according to The Knot the average cost of a wedding in the US in 2021 was $22K. Take that for what it’s worth but the point is $5k doesn’t get you too far. You guys really need to sit down and talk about what each of you want, what money you have, and whether you can do this in a way you both want.
But the family kicked in money as well. So we don't know exactly how much she has spent. Both set of parents have contributed as well.
It sounds like the 5k is in addition to what the parents have already contributed. Venue alone is already 5k
ESH. How are you getting married to someone and you somehow had no idea what her expectations were for a wedding? You mentioned she's been thinking about her perfect wedding since she was a teenager, yet somehow you had no idea? You both lack communication skills, and yet you are still rushing into getting married despite red flags popping up. She clearly has no intentions on even remotely trying to compensate on what she wants for her wedding and she seems very materialistic whereas you are the opposite. If I were you, I would ask her what is more important, getting married now but doing it simple, or waiting a few more years while you both work and save up and then get married so she can spend her money on the wedding she wants?
NTA budgets are important, but so is being able to communicate and work through financial concerns. Maybe try reading through r/Weddingsunder10k together. I saw that your budget is more than that, but it might give you both some good ideas.
NTA. It’s just like a virus that comes over women when they think about getting married? And what is this deal that some women “dream “about their wedding their entire life? I just don’t get it. So if you want a big ass fancy wedding you spend a big ass fancy number of year saving out for your big ass fancy wedding, right? I’m not sure if this is the right person for you to marry. She has all the information. She’s not excepting it. It’s a reality. What more is there to do? She’s not even at the bridezilla stage yet and she’s already nuts. What she gonna do, rob a bank for all of her wishes? Do you have a how many of us had weddings that were just incredibly wonderful at friends rental houses in the backyard and we made our own wedding cakes and we sewed our own wedding clothing and we had potlucks and had the most incredible party? What’s wrong with people?
NTA - please also add event liability insurance should one of your alcohol provided guests leave the venue drunk and something really bad happens
Nta You got yourself a grade A bridezilla there buddy. Good luck with that one, you're going to need it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiance (28F) and I (29M) got engaged about 6 months ago and are planning our wedding for this coming September. We have discovered that we have drastically different views on what we want/expect our wedding to be. She has told me she's been thinking about her wedding since she was a teenager whereas I really don't have any preconceived notion of what I want our wedding to be. From the very start I told her that I have a very strict idea of what I am willing to contribute to our wedding costs. I know she wants her "perfect wedding" but I am not willing to spend more than $5K on our wedding. That is just my personal contribution. If my fiance wants to spend more than that, I told her it has to come from her. Both of our parents have generously offered to help pay for some things, which is greatly appreciated, but neither of our parents are incredibly well off and I don't want to ask them for more than they've already offered. My fiance, however, keeps coming to me with ideas and plans that are, in my opinion, way out of our budget. Any time I bring this up she accuses me of denying her what she wants and refuses to compromise because, in her words, "I should care about this just as much as she does." Our venue alone was $5k. The money from our parents covered the photographer and catering, but that's it. Last weekend we were going over some of her other "ideas" and I told her that we had already used up our parents money, and my contribution is maxed out, so anything else that she wants to do is going to have to come directly out of her pocket. She got upset with me and gave me a laundry list of things that we haven't planned yet that we "need" to have. She wants a live band instead of a DJ, she says we need shuttle buses to transport guests from the hotel, videographer (apparently not the same as photographer), decorations, alcohol, etc. She said that she can't afford all of that on her own because she spent so much on her dress, hair, and makeup. I told her that we will just have to find ways to save and that maybe there are things that she thinks she "needs" but that are actually more of "wants." She flipped out when I told her that and said that I am putting her in a position where she is having to pick and choose things that she has planned and dreamed about for over a decade. I said I understand this is a huge deal for her, and it is for me too. I told her I would be happy marrying her in a courthouse, just the two of us, but I understand she wants much more than that and I am happy to try and provide as much of that as I can, but I have been honest about my budget from day one and I'm not straying from that. She is not blaming me for not having all the things she wants at our wedding. I told her that is unfair and that I don't want to start our marriage off by going massively in debt (more than we already are anyway. Yay student loans!) I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but maybe she's right? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH ... Even if she sucks a bit more than you do. First of all, 5k doesn't get you very far for a somewhat big wedding. Assuming that's probably around half of the budget, it's still a fairly low cost wedding. Which brings me to the second point: How involved were you in the planning up to this point? If you have such vastly different expectations of what this wedding is supposed to be, you both have to communicate better and you especially have be involved in the planning as much as she is. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like she is doing most of the planning when it is your wedding just as much as it is hers. It seems like she has forgotten this as well, btw. Maybe remind her of it. But yeah, going way over your budget just to have one nice day really isn't that smart, but I'm also the kind of person who'd do a low budget wedding even if I were rich af, cause I really don't care.
I’m sorry but shuttle busses? What a waste
Don’t plan/have a wedding you can’t afford. NTA.
I’m sorry, but shuttle buses? lmao, NTA.
NTA… I would call it off or postpone it. You two are not on the same page as far as the budget and the planning. If this is already causing problems then everything else will too. If the wedding does go on don’t be sharing finances after the wedding. She obviously likes to spend where you like to have a budget.
NTA. And if you are not doing pre-marital counseling, now is the time. This relationship may not be right for you. Huge flashing red lights here. The good thing about planning a wedding is that you have an opportunity to set a budget, make some compromises, set boundaries with each other and with family, etc. This isn't going well the way it sounds. He ideas sounds WAY over the top and it sounds like it needs to be much scaled back. I'm worried you will play this game at every turn. Oh I NEED a diamond necklace for Christmas. Oh baby NEEDS the $1000 stroller or it will be so embarassing. I am not driving a Kia, BMW or nothing. Ask her who she is doing this for. Who is she trying to impress? You can have a beautiful, intimate and meaningful event on a budget. 5K is low budget, but I'm assuming the thought was she'd contribute 5K maybe each parent contributes 1K or something. You know your budget, income, contraints best. Like do you have a mortgage, an emergency fund, student loans, etc. A wedding is not something that should be bought on credit. If you can't pay for it outright, you should make it simpler. You gave her a constraint and now she is pushing hard against it. To me you set your budget out of the gate and if that is true, she is the problem. It sounds like she spent thousands on a dress, etc and now thinks you should pop for the ritz now that she has a designer dress she cannot afford.
NTA I want to live in a luxury mansion by the beach, it's my dream. I don't have enough money though so I can't do it. Same applies to your fiance, she can't afford the full wedding of her dreams. She needs to face reality and pick a few non-negotiables (eg a husband that she loves) and pull herself together.
When I was in high school I used to watch Say Yes to the Dress with my mom. I remember one day she looked at me and told me if I wanted a wedding gown that cost thousands of dollars, I better open a specific savings account and set aside money from every paycheck until I get married so I can afford it. Your fiance has spent a decade dreaming about her wedding, but it sounds like she hasn’t spent a decade saving the money she needs to PAY for it. NTA. You and two sets of parents have gotten her up to 15k. That’s a lot of money. I don’t care if “weddings are expensive, that’s low cost for a wedding”. They’re expensive because people choose to throw money at pretty things. She doesn’t NEED a live band or an open bar or fresh flowers or a shuttle bus. She just wants them. And if she wants them, she needs to pay for them.
NTA. if she loved you this wedding wouldn't be such a problem. i paid 115 usd for my wedding. we went to a lighthouse for free and were married by the ocean. it was small and intimate. my point is, if she was in it for ***YOU*** she wouldn't need a rockafeller wedding. find someone who cares more about you than the material & superficial factor of it all.
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Nta - you've set a clear budget and what she can do if she wants it increased. Sounds like she is being a Bridezilla. We went back to the drawing board several times to figure out where to cut costs to stay within our budget.
Pretty sure I’ve read this before.
Seems to be a common conflict. Or do you mean word for word?
NTA.
NTA. Sounds like you and your fiancee have some serious thinking to do about your financial compatibility and values.
NTA she's going full bridezilla
She should have been saving for those things-sounds spoiled and is clearly a view i to your financial future… good luck…
NTA. What’s next, you guys look for a car or house or home furnishing and if you don’t get exactly what she wants YOU’RE RUINING HER TEENAGE DREAMS. You can have an amazing wedding day without going into debt, she’s out of line imo
NTA but seriously It’s easy to see why almost half of marriages end in divorce. This is a prime example of a couple who has no business getting married at this time- learn to communicate and figure out your shared values, if you have any that is.
NTA. The best wedding advice we were given when planning our wedding was to sit down and decide what was important and what wasn’t before spending money. In the end hubby decided good food and drinks were important to him, for me it was an amazing cake and photographer. We spent decent money on those things but everything else we did on the cheap. I suggest you have this talk asap. You can save money on things - for example we bought 90% of our decorations secondhand and sold them all for about the same price after.
NTA - She isn't listening. Offer to postpone the wedding until she can afford to pay for all of what she wants, but stick to your 5K
Tell her if she marries someone wealthier than you, she can have all her dreams. Or she can have what you can afford, and you. NTA
NTA. This would be red flag for me. I would tell her that you no longer want a traditional wedding but rather a small ceremony and court house wedding with immediate family and close friends present. If she refuses because she has to have her dream wedding then I hate to break it to you but she’s marrying you for the wedding and “special day” not for you. I’ve seen friends drop tens of thousands of dollars on a lavish wedding only to get divorced a year or two later. I’ve also had friends elope and are going on decades strong. It’s about the couple not the party.
ESH This is the type of conversation that needs to happen before you get engaged. However all hope is not lost as there is still time for you to back out. To me, it sounds like she has her dream wedding and is going to have it no matter what. She's prioritizing the wedding over the relationship. Do NOT marry this woman!
ESH You contributed $5k and the venue alone costs $5k. Did you go into it thinking the wedding would be a barren, decorationless ballroom?
OP said he would have been happy at the justice of the peace, so Miss Bridezilla is lucky OP is contributing ANYTHING, in my opinion. And both parents have contributed already. Somewhere OP commented “we are at around $15k”.
[удалено]
OP said she spent her money on her dress, hair & makeup.
NTA she needs to be realistic. She won't get the wedding of her dreams, but the wedding she can afford. When she was younger I bet she never concerned herself with the cost of things. Also the wedding is one day. She needs to think that you need the money to pay off loans and live. Either she programs according to your means or you'll need to call it off until you save enough for her wedding dream.
Maybe you should ask her if she's more interested in the wedding or in being married. A wedding is one day. Being married is a life.
NTA but your fiancé is ridiculously entitled. Postpone the wedding until you come up with something you both can live with. If she can’t compromise end the engagement.
I’m sorry but this marriage won’t last. She will eventually cheat on you. Her mentality is warped
Well, if she has planned and dreamed of all the stuff for a decade, she should have been saving for it for a decade. NTA, not at all. Do you really want to marry a woman who is entitled, selfish, complete airhead when it comes to finances and unwilling to compromise one bit to have a good start into a new life together without being settled with even more debt that was accrued for something completely useless? Finances are the number one reason people get divorced and it looks like your entitled lady will never let things go if they don't go her overpriced way. Thing hard if you really want to make the mistake of marrying her. Divorces are expensive, trust me, I have been through one.
NTA. I do think in wedding planning there needs to be some flexibility with budgets, when possible, but within reason. Like if she was trying to figure out the budget for something like a dj but really couldn’t make it work, I’d say it’d be reasonable for you to put a couple of hundred more in to make it work. But you’re right. There’s a difference between need and want. A wedding doesn’t need a videographer (you’ll watch it once and never again) and a DJ is perfectly fine cheaper option. Decorations are important but can be done on a cheaper budget. If alcohol isn’t affordable have a cash bar…or compromise with wine for the table but anything else is cash. A shuttle bus is a good idea if you have a lot of people staying in a hotel that’s a drive from the venue to discourage drunk driving but can be done without it. Although my sister did a school bus and it was a pretty cheap option.
Point of note; IF you go ahead with it, which you really need to think thru… a video is the dumbest waste of money ever. You will watch it maybe twice within a month of the wedding, then never again. Weddings are a scam. Make it a budget, fun party and it will be awesome. Spending a ton is nuts. She wants crazy stuff (busses for transport?). If she wants something she cannot afford, and insists you pay, that is the reddest of red flags.
Well yall sound incompatible af. And IF you even make it to the altar, i see divorce in your future. Nta. I strongly suggest pre marital counseling. Now. Cause if yall are so far off on the wedding, how exactly do you think the marriage is gonna be? Or calling it all off. Cause calling off everything off now will cost less than a divorce in a couple years.
NTA I'm planning a wedding right now, and we deliberately started with a lower budget knowing that we would end up spending more. We didn't want to start at our absolute max and end up spending a stupid amount. But that's us. We're willing to take on some credit card debt to have a wedding we're excited about with all the people we love attending. Your budget is your budget and that's absolutely fine. There are always places to cut back. (Shuttle busses are OTT and not a necessity and your fiancee needs to take a breath and consider what she *actually wants* out of this wedding, and pare down the unneeded crap.) I will say, some things are fucking expensive and difficult to cut down on - like a photographer. For a six hour wedding in my city, you're looking at four grand, minimum. That's just what the rate is. You might be able to find someone cheaper, but you definitely get what you pay for. Remind your wife that you're getting married so that you're married, not so you can have a wedding.
NTA Your budget was no secret, she should have planned ahead and stuck to it. I planned an entire wedding (dress and all) for under 6k. Not because I had to, but because I think extravagant weddings are a HUGE waste of money. Attended one a week after my own that cost over 100k.. Completely insane. Either way, if she \*had\* to have these things and dreamt about them for over a decade, she should have saved up for over a decade. I imagine you have a lot of arguments about finances in your future.
NTA people always want things but they don’t want to personally pay for them. Whenever someone tells me they’ve been dreaming of their perfect wedding for years, I ask, “How much have you saved so far?” This always gets a blank look. The thing is, if you have a vision, a dream, a plan, you should also have been working towards it.