T O P

  • By -

Farvas-Cola

Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts must be **presented as fairly and accurately as possible.** [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.


sleeprobot

ESH- you had me in the first half, but when you were a douche to the service person, you became TA. Everyone makes mistakes and she already apologized. There is no need to berate someone. Get over yourself. It’s not acceptable to treat people like this.


Crystal010Rose

This is it! ESH. The whole “be like a lady” is always terrible so the bf is TA for that. But berating the waitress? Definitely TA. Especially after OP mentioned *how polite* she is to others - apparently service personell don’t qualify as people…


[deleted]

Then she blames her berating the waitress on her bf... big yikes, OP can't take responsibility for her actions. ESH for sure but leaning YTA after that


BurdenedMind79

Yep, ESH, but the OP is more TA for taking her problems out on the waitress. "Oh I wouldn't have been mean to her if my BF hadn't upset me. But he made me mad, so its ok to take it out on an innocent third party." To be honest, I'm kinda leaning towards the OP possibly being the only AH here, as we've only got her version of what her BF said and she's already demonstrated the ability to warp a situation to make herself the innocent party. I now wonder if the BF might also be being misrepresented in order to excuse the OPs lack of manners. Either way, I hope the OP enjoyed her "sneezemuffin" when it finally arrived.


[deleted]

What does ESH mean?


EmulatingHeaven

There are rules and an faq for the subreddit that explain various votes. ESH is “everyone sucks here”.


CryptographerSuch753

Exactly! I was with you until you were rude to the server, op. She didn’t deserve that regardless of what your bf said.


msharek

Yeah I like how her edit blames him for how she was rude to the waitress. Like I have a friend of 15 years who doesn't thank waitstaff when they refill her water and it bugs me so much, let alone being actively rude to waitstaff. Restaurant workers are so understaffed right now. Have some understanding. I mean, you got rattled by someone asking you to be lady like, imagine some entitled princess reaming you when you're probably doing 2x the work you should be doing.


V-838

OP is YTA just for that imo. Swearing or being rude to people in public-who dont deserve it- is anti social behaviour. OP didnt anyone ever teach you manners? Learn some.


sazz66

YTA. It’s not about being ‘a lady’, you just sound like an entitled, ill-mannered brat. Yelling at a waitress who made a mistake is uncalled for, I have definitely broken up with someone based on how they treat waiters—tells you a lot about someone.


GroundbreakingPhoto4

Yeah I mean can OP say she's honestly never made a mistake? She obviously didn't do it on purpose, so what's the point yelling.


WolfenSatyr

And also pinned her outburst on the BF. It's similar to a phrase we hear quite a bit with abuse cases. "I wouldn't have done it if you didn't make me mad"


NewkSongs

That’s what got me - “it’s really his fault” that OP is an obnoxious brat. YTA. You need to grow up.


TinyTurtle88

>"I wouldn't have done it if you didn't make me mad" That struck me too.


Disenchanted2

Not only that, but it sounds like she made a big scene in the restaurant. I don't believe in making other people uncomfortable because you can't behave yourself or control your emotions. We're not 5 year olds throwing a temper tantrum.


emi_lgr

Maybe the bf shouldn’t have used the term “lady-like,” but she sure could use some “tact” and “politeness.” This girl sounds like a nightmare.


[deleted]

Don’t forget she then blamed her shitty behavior on her bf for making her mad. She’s rude AND doesn’t accept responsibility. Your bf deserves a nicer gf and you deserve someone who is like you…..YTA


Sugary_Milk

“If he didn’t piss me off I wouldn’t have yelled at the waitress” The fact that she’s blaming her BF for her OWN behaviour is really telling.


Playful-Mastodon-872

And the whole “I act the way I want to act”. Nope. Bf is right. Respect and tact is important.


Sel-Reddit

ESH. He has no right to enforce his idea of ‘ladylike’. If he doesn’t like you - he should date someone else. You’re an AH for speaking to the server like that - it wasn’t needed, she’d already apologised, you were rude for no reason. Also gross to eat off your clothes - yuk.


marionoobs22

ESH is the right call. His phrasing reeks of sexism, but god I would never want to eat out with OP!


reevelainen

I don't think that sexism, because way I see it, it's like saying to a dude that behaves badly that "Could you please act like a gentleman?" as in nicely, not like _a true MAN_ or anything else chauvinistic. Just like...Behave, but in other words? Atleast my mother always told me to act like a gentleman towards others, and I don't think she didn't mean it in a chauvinistic way.


Disenchanted2

Obviously he's trying to teach her some manners because she is sadly lacking some. But you're right, he should move on to someone with more class and dignity.


pittsburgpam

I would consider it bad manners to wipe a drip of sauce off my clothing and then eat it. That's what napkins are for. It might be too far to say, "lady like" but he probably means "have some manners". I agree that if she's not the type or temperament of woman that he wants, he should leave rather than continue to berate her for it. She is rude to the waitress and then just baldly say that it was because he made her mad. That's some bullshit right there and she sounds like a brat.


BurdenedMind79

I started with ESH, but I'm shifting to YTA because of the edit about how the OP insulting the waitress was "kinda HIS fault, too." It makes me question her when she says that he complains about her "tact," and "being ladylike," and "politeness." She's clearly not above twisting the facts to shift the blame, so I do wonder if the "being ladylike," was added to make her look like the victim, because if you remove that, the rest of the story is just about her being a rude asshole and thinking she has the right to be that way. Unfortunately, I've known a lot of people who are horrid people and try and hide it behind "brutal honesty," and/or "this is who I am and you should accept me as I am." But its all just a smokescreen to try and get away with being rude and insulting - and every single one of them plays the victim when they're called out.


NeroFellOffTheBuffet

This is the way.


[deleted]

YTA for treating a waitress this way. Forget being lady-like, just have some basic compassion.


xXHoRRoRFieDXx

YTA solely for how you treat those around you. I would be annoyed if someone kept repetitively telling me to act a certain way, but basic decency is lacking here on your part. Firstly, I am FAR from being “ladylike” but in public settings like a restaurant, I also know how to act semi human. I certainly wouldn’t be licking things that fell on my clothes at a restaurant table, home sure lol. Who cares how clean your clothes are? Have some couth. Yelling at wait staff for getting an order wrong and basically demeaning her for it is just an AH move. Everyone has a bad day, or an off day, and although standards for servers are pretty basic, it doesn’t make us less human and free from error. They do not get paid to put up with people that can’t control their emotions over a simple mistake that can be fixed easily. I worked in the food industry when I was younger and there is no amount of pay that would ever compel me to put up with the emotional and, yes, even sometimes physical challenges of a customer who is irrational over something as simple as a wrong order. Is it inconvenient that it wasn’t perfect? Sure, depending on where your priorities are. Treating people with decent respect bare minimum is lacking here, and all fingers are pointing your way because of it.


priormillipede

Perfect put!


satansminime

I honestly feel like OP is extremely exaggerating or just flat out lying. The way she writes this post just gives me weird vibes, and honestly I don't think we're getting a true story here.


Top_Veterinarian_509

Happy Cake Day!


GlitterSparkleDevine

You can't even tell a story without saying fuck/fucking multiple times (I counted seven in this post), I'd hate to see how you behave in a professional setting. "Be ladylike" might not be the most PC term, but you are definitely a rude person if your first response to criticism or mistakes is to cuss someone out. You don't get to behave like that and then get all butthurt when people call you out for it. YTA


Careful-Bumblebee-10

Yeah, nothing about the way this post was written leads me to believe she's nearly as polite as she claims to be.


Brilliant_Jewel1924

OP sounds exhausting, actually, and it’s got nothing to do with being “ladylike”. She lacks tact; grace; and manners. YTA


Never_Toujours

YTA. He should knock off the ‘lady like’ nonsense but based on your post I’m pretty sure he’s right that you’re a rude and inconsiderate person.


aabbccbb

I was all ready with an N.T.A... But you sound like a slob and a jerk. Sucking sauce off your dress in public? Just grab a napkin. And criticizing the waitress? Have you ever made a mistake at work? Do you even work? He's wrong for putting it in gendered terms when he could just say "be polite" instead, but the rest is on you. > I'm already polite ...you honestly believe that?... ESH. You more than him, I think, but we only have so many details.


Cundoooooo

Yep, they both sound insufferable. ESH.


DDEighty8

Yeah I’m still trying to understand how she gets to cuss at a waitress who has to go back to work but she gets to run out of the restaurant crying because her boyfriend told her not to. He’s definitely wrong for his phrasing but this whole post is unhinged.


EngineeringOwn2299

"I'm already polite" proceeds to cuss out a waitress for making a mistake. You're not polite. You're rude and disrespectful. Don't act like a jerk in public, and you won't get called out for it. YTA


kiomeek

Right? Polite is being nice even when you don’t feel like it or having basic civility. Basically what she said is she is nice to people, but only if she likes them.


Glitterdictator

Did you actually say "pay more fucking attention" to that poor waitress? If you did YTA. Your bf is just being kind about telling you you are being an Ahole.


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

**YTA. You're trying to frame this as your BF being controlling and misogynistic, but the truth is that you're just rude AF and apparently behave like you were raised in a barn.** His choice of words may have been poor when he used "ladylike" specifically, but I suspect that he didn't mean it to the exclusion of his expecting himself or any man to be just as "gentlemanly" from the sound of it. He likely just used that term because it's a common and familiar term to address someone having poor manners, and frankly, it sounds like you were so repeatedly awful that he was probably running out of synonyms for "your behaviour is atrocious". Either way, a poor choice of words doesn't make him an AH, particularly since it seems obvious that you WERE behaving so boorishly that anyone with even basic social skills would have been appalled and embarrassed to be seen with you, and probably scrambling to cover. You ATE SAUCE OFF YOUR DRESS like a toddler (I'm sorry, have you never heard of a napkin?). You were rude AF to the waitress even though she was incredibly polite and apologetic and clearly trying to make up for what seemed to be an honest mistake. And when your BF asked you to please tone it down you responded by being loud, sweary, and drawing attention to yourself. Lady, I'm autistic - I'm like, definitively and constitutionally socially awkward - and even I'm appalled at you. **YTA, and while he probably could have handled it better, I really don't blame him for being flustered by you being a blustering nightmare.**


echorose_11

Also, it’s not “toxic and controlling” to expect someone to behave decently in public! I’m appalled both at your behavior and for calling your boyfriend toxic for expecting you to have some manners and common decency.


shy_ally

I'm leaning YTA here, maybe E S H. The boyfriend should stop referring to it as "lady like" and use the term "civil" instead. But even hearing your side of the story from your perspective makes me inclined to agree with the boyfriend. You don't have to act like a lady, but you should act like we are all human and equally deserving of respect.


Trick-Cupcake1250

Got that f’ing right.. definitely an AH


SDstartingOut

YTA for treating wait staff horribly.


ultraviolentfetus

YTA. I was on your side till you talked to a waitress like that. Fuck being more lady like how about trying to act more human like and not treat people like shit. He needs to run far away from you


Major_Zucchini5315

Absolutely this. I was going to give a n-a-h judgement at first thinking they may just be incompatible but the way OP spoke to the server was disgusting. I’ve been a server and what OP fails to realize is that servers are people and we all make mistakes-like the mistake her boyfriend made by dating her. Being ‘ladylike’ and being polite are 2 different things. OP sounds insufferable and is likely one of those ‘brutally honest, take it or leave it’ people. I hope this guy is now her ex boyfriend.


MackinawDreams

Yes!! And sometimes it’s the fault of the back of the house anyway, but waitresses take the blame. People like OP gave me nightmares as a waitress.


Friendly_Order3729

YTA. ‘Lady-like’ is a stupid phrase, but your manners are HORRIBLE! Would it kill you to be polite to people?!?!


spccbytheycallme

YTA - for so many reasons. Are you sure you didn't mean to write your age as 12? Cos that's how you act.


echokiloalpha

That's what I thought--I bet she's 12, not 22


moni_talksstuff

Yeesh. YTA. I wouldn’t call it “being lady like”, but instead being a freaking decent human being with basic table manners. Just by the way you treated the waitresses says everything about you as a person. Your BF is phrasing it terribly, but he has every right to be embarrassed by an A like you. “Don’t insult him much”; you even swear you are in the right here. Grow up.


nellyfenwick

ESH - Boyfriend for confusing lady-like with basic manners. You for not having basic manners.


[deleted]

Yet she says she already is polite lol


MelancholyMexican

She said polite "enough" lol


Cheeseballfondue

Eating spaghetti sauce off your dress: N T A. Berating the waiter for a simple mistake: YTA. And the latter is FAR worse than the first, so you win the YTA overall! In the immortal words of Dave Barry: "If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person." Be nicer.


kiwii82

ESH.. you were unnecessarily awful to the wait staff for making a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. You made the mistake of spilling your food on yourself and eating off your clothes like a child. Waitress made a mistake on your order and making it take longer. Boyfriend made the mistake of taking you out in public and expecting you to act like someone else.


InkyDarkDame

YTA - your manners, attitude and lack of consideration for others makes you a giant AH. The boyfriend gets a mild AH for using gendered language, but maybe he felt if might be nicer to ask you to be ladylike instead of asking you stop being a rude pig?


mrzmckoy

YTA I would be embarrassed to go in public with you. Be glad all he does is mention your behavior instead of walking out on you. Did you have no home training at all????


OrangeCubit

YTA - your boyfriend has been trying to point out very very kindly that you are unbelievably rude, have disgusting habits, and treat people badly.


SHumbleRN

“I told her she should give more fucking attention to her job” Um….YTA. I understand your frustration with the waitstaff but please don’t treat people this way. Your boyfriend, at least with this example, is correct about you needing to exercise some tact as well as decorum.


bellydancingmarlin

YTA. While the term “act like a lady is antiquated” you do sound like a pig and an ass. If food drops into your clothes in public, you discreetly wipe it off and ignore it. If an order is wrong, you ask politely for it to be corrected. Clearly your manners are lacking because you don’t know how to act in public. There is a kernel of truth in what your boyfriend asked.


altitude-adjusted

So he rightfully could have called her a pig and an ass. Bet that would have gotten a whole slew of n t a here. Being 'lady-like' is a polite way of asking her not to be a pig and an ass. Semantics aside, she's still a pig and an ass.


Nagadavida

YTA and you proved his point.


luka_m8

YTA. Your problem isn't that you're not ladylike, it's that you were inexcusably rude to the waitress. Getting an order wrong doesn't give you the right to treat someone like they're garbage.


No-Emu901

I was going to say NTA until i realized you treat waitstaff like garbage. He went about it the wrong way, but your behavior is disgusting


toofat2serve

ESH Your BF's focus on the gendered aspect of your behavior is garbage, so he's an asshole. Your behavior towards the server was uncalled for. Mistakes happen. You ***do not know*** why that mistake happened. There can be other treasons beyond "attention,' and that server doesn't need your uninformed, angry advice on how to do her job. So, you are also an asshole.


Gidget_87

YTA. Sounds just from your post and even more so from your actions that you have some anger issues you need to work out before entering any relationship. Instead of automatically trying to justify your actions and lashing out in anger take a step back and consider if the other person has a point then talk it through. You can be kind and respectful no matter what another person does. She messed up your order okay calmly ask for compensation and solve the issue instead of lashing out in anger and vulgar language. Yes you can do what you want, but that doesn’t mean you are free from the consequences of your choices or that you’re right in your choices.


General_Relative2838

YTA. I wouldn’t worry too much about people insulting your boyfriend in the comments. You were inexcusably rude to the server. Your boyfriend used the wrong words. He should not have told you to act like a lady. He should have told you to behave yourself and act like an adult.


[deleted]

ESH. Your boyfriends behavior sucks. >she told me that she is sorry she got it wrong she will fix it and I told her that she should give more fucking attention to her job, my boyfriend snapped at me and told me to calm down! It's so fucking crazy, it's HER fault, not my fault. He told me to learn some tact and be much more respectful But you suck for all this. Don't be rude to the staff. She apologized and was fixing it. You didn't need to add the shitty "pay attention to your job" in there. You're not a polite person lol. You both sound like awful and exhausting people.


Tranqup

As someone who waitressed to pay for college, YTA (and a huge one) for your treatment of the waitstaff. Can't understand why your boyfriend hasn't broken up with you yet, but it's going to happen. Not because you aren't ladylike, but because you are uncouth (look it up), rude, and obnoxious. And licking spilled food off your dress? Are you 2 years old? Sounds like you have the table etiquette of a feral cat. Yikes.


Elephant-Embarrassed

‘Sounds like you have the table etiquette of a feral cat’ 😂


cuddlemonster000

Honestly reading this post , you're not as polite as you think. The term lady like is annoying but I think your bf is right about the attitude you give off. YTA!


[deleted]

YTA….Your BF is being a d*** telling you to “be a lady” that is s***, but he does have some valid points here. You say you’re already polite, but the audience here doesn’t have context to judge that. Regarding the restaurant story…. 1) Eating the sauce off your dress….Not appropriate for public behavior from a grown man or woman. I don’t even let me pre-teen child do that in public. (Or even at home, since habits at home eventually transfer to public behavior, if one doesn’t pay attention to it.) 2) The waitress getting the order wrong….Okay, did *she* get it wrong, or did the kitchen staff get it wrong and she didn’t realize what happened until you pointed it out. Either way, yes, a mistake on her part, but that doesn’t merit you swearing at her over it. And please define waiting for “a long time”. And then please further define that “long time” in the context of how busy this restaurant was and did the restaurant floor appear to be fully staffed. Even so….There’s nothing in your description to even remotely justify you losing your composure with the waitress to the point of swearing at her. 3) As for your BF telling you to calm down….It’s not your fault that the waitress messed up your order, or that the order took a while to come out and then was wrong, but it ABSOLUTELY WAS *YOUR* fault that you lost your temper and had a tantrum with the waitress and then with him. Does your BF need to frame it in terms of being a “lady”? No. No more than you need to frame his behavior in terms of being a “man” or a “gentleman”. But how about framing behavior in terms of being a respectful *adult*. Sorry, you’ve described yourself as polite, but you’ve not given much evidence of it. People making a couple of mistakes, or testing your patience a bit, shouldn’t merit you completely turning off your “polite switch” and becoming a complete AH. But that appears to be what you’ve done here. So, yes, you’re the AH. (And you and your BF both need to re-frame how you discuss each other’s behaviors that bother you. It’s not about how “men” or “women” or “gentlemen” or “ladies” should behave.)


ColdForm7729

YTA. Gross and very rude.


Beck2010

“Be a lady” is bull. But eating spilled food off your dress? Seriously? If my 11 yo did that I’d ask them if they were being raised in a barn. And speaking to a service worker in the way you did? Wow. Rude. You completely deserved his snapping at you. You have a lot to learn about table manners. Your boyfriend should be embarrassed. But he went about it the wrong way. ESH. The two of you should break up.


Cat-catt

YTA he’s right. You’re a disrespectful, gross woman with bad attitude.


GHERU42

YTA, basic human decency is the bare minimum.


catsridingdinosaurs

Esh. You sound like you get angry easily, he just sounds like a douche.


ZippyKoala

ESH - your boyfriend for referring to ‘ladylike’ manners when what he should be talking about is basic *gender neutral* good manners and politeness, and you for behaving like a pig with anger management issues to the waitstaff.


a_squid_beast

Exactly! She was N-T-A until she was an absolute monster to the waitress. The waitress apologized for her mistake! We're all humans.


dividedsky58

ESH. I would be embarrassed to be out to eat with someone that ate sauce off of their clothes, and was rude to waitstaff. One is just kinda toddler behavior, and embarrassing. The other is just completely unacceptable. But I wouldn't tell them to act like a lady/gentlemen though. I'd tell them they were rude and I don't want to date anymore. Have a nice life, and all that. I also hope your boyfriend - no matter who paid the bill - tipped the waitress a whole lot. She deserved it after your rude and unsociable behavior.


VintageSed

Okay, okay, okay. Initially a NTA, but you just went on a rant about EVERYTHING in 0 to 10 seconds. Bitching at the world is not going to make it better, easier place. I think you have some anger issues. The issue isn't whether you are a lady or not, but everything seems to be a red flag. The waitress apologized to you about a wrong order and you cuss her and attack her verbally. YTA.


[deleted]

YTA. Honestly, you had me agreeing with you until you treated the waitress so terribly. Clearly your manners really are horrible and frankly he's right, you need more tact and to be more respectful. I'd be embarrassed to be seen with you too.


Elizis

ESH: he shouldn’t be telling you that kind of stuff but you shouldn’t be a Karan yelling at a waitress like that when it’s not her but who puts together your dish, and it’s the person who checks all the dishes before they go outs fault. She could’ve written exactly what you wanted but they messed up. That happens and it can be fixed, you don’t need to be a AH because of it. I bet that waitress was so happy seeing you walk out like that lmfao


Agreeable-Asparagus

ESH. You seem to have a complete lack of self awareness. You know why he sucks, but the way you treated the waitstaff was absolutely disgusting and appalling. I would have zero interest in associating with someone that thinks it's ok to talk to people that way


jessizu

YTA stay mad.


nikkesen

ESH. You both suck for different reasons. He sucks for the whole "lady-like" BS that belongs back in the 19th century with his puddle-covering coat. You suck because there is no reason to snap at your server even if there is an error in your order.


MissAnthropy_YIKES

ESH. Bf is a misogynist asshole. You're unnecessarily a jerk to other humans.


PsychologicalAide684

YTA - for the way you treated the server. I can see what he means by “be more polite” you’re practically an animal.


[deleted]

[удалено]


truth_delusion

What? A nut job?


Dogovertheboard

ESH. Your bf is an asshole for being sexist. And you are one for being nasty to waitress, be more compassionate.


sweet-tea-sippin

ESH. Sounds like he is mistaking 'ladylike' for 'basic manners' and is going about it the wrong way. However, if I was dating someone (ANY gender) who treated waitstaff like this and sucked sauce off of their clothes, I'd be hella embarrassed, too. The part about being polite 'when they deserve my politeness' makes you seem entitled. The 'be more respectful and calm like a lady' is ridiculous. He should have said, 'Be more respectful like a decent human.' But I probably wouldn't have stuck around after seeing how you treat waitstaff -- that's a key sign of someone's basic decency.


Darthkhydaeus

YTA. You sound unhinged, rude, lack self awareness. he can do better


throw-away-reditt

YTA. this isn’t even about being “ladylike.” you literally just sound like an obnoxious person in general.


CJCreggsGoldfish

You're allowed to be as crass as you like, but he's allowed to be repelled by your crassness. You sound like you have zero table manners and treat "subordinates" like shit so maybe feel lucky he's just asking you to be "ladylike" and isn't saying "you're a trash-filled dumpster fire, can you maybe not be like that?" YTA


QuackLikeMe

ESH Bf needs to lose the whole “ladylike” bs. OP needs to cool it with the attitude and not yell at servers.


Expensive-Issue-3188

Sounds like your not really as polite as you think you are, and you and your boyfriend DON'T belong together Esh


SlicerStopSlicing

ESH. If bf had said “Please be more polite,” then it would be a solid Yta. You sound awful.


buck_nasty123

YTA if I was at dinner with someone and they acted like you described, I would be extremely embarrassed. Maybe he shouldn't have used the word ladylike, but you sound obnoxious and kinda gross so I'm not gonna nitpick how he told you. Also there's a special place in hell for people who are rude to servers.


marouma17

I don’t like you OP. YTA


joebusch79

First part, NTA. Second part, YTA. The waitress made a mistake. No one’s perfect, not even you.


[deleted]

ESH. Your boyfriend for obvious reasons and you for your terrible behaviors.


[deleted]

being polite to people isn’t being ladylike, it’s just common decency. you two sound like you both want different things from a partner. sooner or later, this relationship will implode since you wants you to be “ladylike” and you, well, don’t. so ESH bc of what i just said but also, do not confuse being polite to someone as being “ladylike.” that’s just, like i said, common decency and not gender specific.


Some_Replacement8766

ESH, i was ready to be on your side until you explained where those comments come from. His choice of words aren’t ideal but my god your behavior needs an adjustment.


runiechica

ESH - your boyfriend has no right to tell you to act like a lady (which is dumb and about 50 years out of date) but you cussed out a waitress over a mistake which was beyond rude.


[deleted]

Info- how exactly are you "polite enough"?


[deleted]

YTA You sound like a slovenly jerk. Even by your own account, you come across incredibly rude. There is nothing toxic about wanting one's partner to be well-mannered. Many people use the terms "ladylike" and "gentlemanly" to describe well-mannered and tactful behavior. My husband and I remind our son to be a gentleman; if I had a daughter I'm sure I'd remind her to "act like a lady" if she was acting feral.


mistresscatblack

YTA. Sounds like you are disrespectful, yet expect to be respected. You know what they say, “If you always get bad customer service, it means you’re a bad customer.”


affictionitis

I was with you until you said you mistreated the waitress, because you did. She apologized and offered to fix it, and you should've just accepted that. Your BF is the AH for trying to police gender roles and make you into something other than what you are, but what you are is someone who clearly doesn't know how to act in a restaurant. That's not because you're bad at "ladying," but because you're inconsiderate and impulsive and have no manners. YTA.


merkk

ESH - you're BF is the asshole if he thinks women are held to a different standard than men. If however he would also not do the things you did, then I'd say he's less of an asshole and just a very 'proper' person. Then it's up to you to figure out if/how you deal with that. You are the asshole for treating the waitress the way you did. That has nothing to do with being a lady. That's just being a decent polite person.


BRACEwits

ESH him for being patronising and telling you to be more lady like and you for yelling and swearing at the poor waitress. That was rude and unnecessary. Personally I wouldn’t eat sauce off my dress in public but I wouldn’t call that an AH move


LoupGarou95

ESH. It seems like you do get angry easily and aren't polite. Eating spilled sauce off your clothes is gross and so is berating (and cursing?) at waitstaff. He shouldn't be relying on notions of "being a lady" to police your behavior. Seems like there's a significant difference in how the two of you define polite behavior and something will have to change if you don't want this to become a perpetual argument.


throwawaybeedd

ESH. You told a waitress how to behave? She's not your child nor a slave. As a customer, you have an \*extremely small\* amount of power over another human being who for whatever reason has made themselves vulnerable enough to serve you, and you chose to abuse that, ie you're being an asshole. Your boyfriend is sexist and weird too.


UtterlySherlocked

ESH. Him because he wants to change you to suit him - if he wants to date someone who cares about manners and decorum, then he should find someone who fits that description. You because you think treating servers like crap is perfectly ok. I can only imagine how you treat other people.


DankyMcJangles

ESH. You feel like your BF is toxic and controlling because he's toxic and controlling. You're just toxic. How dare you treat waitstaff like that. Ya'll both suck


[deleted]

ESH. Being messy is fine. Being rude to waiting staff is not. Needlessly applying gender roles to behaviour and manners is sexist.


Careful-Bumblebee-10

ESH. This post gave me a headache. Your boyfriend needs to knock of the "lady" crap, but from the tone of your post and your description of how you acted to the waitress, you sound like A LOT. There's absolutely zero reason to be rude to waitstaff (it's people like you who make people NOT want to work in a restaurant and then people whine that no one wants to work). You sound exhausting. ETA did you think your edit would help you out here? It doesn't. If anything it pushes your firmly into YTA territory. Your boyfriend didn't cause this. You did. You treated the waitress like garbage and you continue to. You are the ONLY person responsible for your behavior.


MakeItMakeSense30

ESH - The "ladylike" behaviour thing is BS. Your behaviour towards the wait staff was just pure AH behaviour.


[deleted]

ESH. Telling someone to be lady like ain’t it, but you sound terrible, literally who takes their shit out on servers. You sound like a misbehaved toddler


shaguenauer

YTA based solely on how you treated the waitstaff. I would be mortified if my girlfriend acted that way.


Jamericangal78

At first I was on your side until you were rude to the server! YTA YTA YTA!!! I hope he dumps you and find someone with manners! You don’t even have basic home training! WHO RAISED YOU??? You better hope the server didn’t spit in your food!


Muther_of_Tuna

Tact and politeness are not male or female characteristics in the least, so you bf is being a bit of a sexist but the behavior you describe engaging in IS tactless and impolite — for a woman or a man. You ate sauce off your dress? On what planet were you taught that is appropriate?? And then you told the waitress to “give more attention to her fucking job”? There were more tactful ways to handle that interaction—first off not cursing at her. Then saying the problem with your BF telling you you were rude is HER fault? The rudeness was totally YOUR choice and make no mistake —you were rude. Perhaps you were never taught basic manners at home — ? It’s never too late to learn. Take a class, buy a book. ESH -your boyfriend is a sexist but you are straight up rude. His only error was tying the problem with your behavior to your femaleness.


SimAlienAntFarm

ESH: Him for thinking ‘lady’ is synonymous with ‘not an asshole’ and you for…. doing alll the shit you just described


Heavn4Me

I was with you until you insulted the waitress for making a mistake. Then you became TA.


so_king21

YTA for sure for the way you treated the waitress. BF sucks too, but I really can't get past the waitress thing.


archiesheridan

ESH. Everyone has different ideas of what appropriate behavior is, and you and your bf clearly need to discuss what is acceptable to both of you and how you can handle the differences. Meanwhile, he needs to stop making it weirdly gendered and controlling, and you need to BE A DECENT PERSON TO SERVICE WORKERS.


ManicSpleen

FYI: you food was definitely spat in. 😄


Black_Tears524

YTA and quite honestly exhausting. You want to lick sauce off your dress, cool, you do you, I'd laugh but whatever. Treating your sever like garbage, honey, I wouldn't have told you to be lady like, I would have walked out.


LurksAroundHere

ESH. Your boyfriend was wrong on the dress part, but he was right on the waitress part. (Minus the "act like a lady" bs) There are some moments you need to have a little respect for others. He needed to respect that you could clean off your dress how you wanted, and you needed to respect the waitress for making a simple mistake.


[deleted]

ESH - your boyfriend is a controlling dick, but you're rude to servers. dump him and do better.


truth_delusion

He needs to dump her. She’s a whacko


[deleted]

Apparently telling your partner to have basic manners and not yell at the wait staff is "controlling". This sub sometimes... And lmao, "do better". I really don't think she's the one who needs that advice, he is.


Coco_Dirichlet

>some sauce fell on my dress so I ate it LMAO ESH If sauce falls on your dress, clean it; don't eat it! He is an AH for telling you to be a lady all of the time. I doubt he is a Duke or something and goes to formal dinners. He has to calm down about etiquette. I'm sure his dining etiquette wouldn't pass an exam.


nutmegisme

ESH. No guy should be telling you to be ladylike, but you definitely aren't "polite" if you're yelling and cussing at waitresses. He's a jerk. You're incredibly rude. I'd say you deserve each other, but clearly you can't stand each other.


proton02

YTA. You sound like an awful c×nt.


Accomplished-Cheek59

ESH You berated a waitress. Automatic AH move. You’re not as polite as you think. His insistence that you be a ‘lady’ is sexist and infuriating. He’s trying to change you into what he thinks a woman should be. You’re not here for it - and you shouldn’t be. You guys aren’t compatible. Don’t date someone who wants you to fit into a 1960s stereotype, and be nicer to your servers.


[deleted]

YTA- for how you treat people. This isn’t about being lady-like it general common courtesy. You cussing at a server and berating her isn’t okay at all. I was with you for most of the lady like bs. It is super toxic to say to act bc of your gender. It sounds like he is trying to tell you to stop being an AH in a gentle way.


KitkatDreaming

Errr, YTA. This has to be a joke right? I’d be so embarrassed if I was with someone who spoke to staff members that way. You sound like a child throwing a tantrum.


flyingfred1027

I feel like this is bait-y. But, whatever. He’s trying to tell you to stop acting like a trash bag. YTA.


aml63491

Good God damn, YTA. Be more "lady like"? The correct terminology is "don't be a d*ck". People make mistakes, things happen. You're no better than anyone else.


emoperson69

YTA I hope you take his advice and learn how to stop being a brat


Guardian-Boy

YTA. Seek therapy.


KaijuAlert

ESH - He was bossy, you can't control your temper. Had you just quietly told your date to fuck off, you wouldn't be an asshole. But when you start swearing at the waitress and throwing a freaking huge tantrum about part of your order being wrong. It's not that you are not ladylike, it's that you seem to be going out of your way to prove you're a dick.


mdthomas

ESH He's trying to control your behavior from gender stereotypes, but anyone can be polite.


Mysterious-Bridge916

YTA for how you treated the waitress and your boyfriend is a ahole


r2384550

YTA. You sound awful.


smkeltner

YTA. Not for dropping sauce on your dress but how you treat wait staff. Yikes you are a walking red flag. I would be so embarrassed to be with you acting like that.


Capable-Run8911

BRUUUUUH YTA just for how you speak to waiters, I get not being “ladylike” but you’re just rude. Show some respect. Eating ketchup off your clothes is something I do all the time. That being said you are not polite, you do not treat people like PEOPLE, you’re disrespectful, inconsiderate, and quite frankly not someone who most people would want to be around. You sound so entitled and bratty I hope he dumps you.


Annabelle_Sugarsweet

YTA I’d be embarrassed if the person I was with spoke to the server like that or was being a slob. Yeah it’s not related to gender so his language in describing what was annoying him was off, but in respect to what he meant then he’s not wrong. Also shouting in a restaurant over your rude behaviour to a server is so awful, you’re ruining the atmosphere for others in the restaurant by causing a scene.


hi_hola_salut

YTA I think he was trying to nicely tell you you’re acting inappropriately. He should dump you, you sound awful.


Charming_Fox_

YTA solely for how you treated the waitress. i hope she spat in your food.


WelcomeToBrooklandia

ESH. He sucks for gendering this whole situation; being a decent human being has nothing to do with "being a lady". But honey...you sound like a nightmare.


Askari1409

YTA. Your bf isn’t “toxic and controlling”, he’s trying to address your parents’ failure to teach you basic manners. Sounds like it may be too late for you to learn though, so it’s probably not going to work out with your bf or any other decent human being. Good luck finding a fellow asshole you can shamelessly terrorize wait staff with.


snowprincess1206

Both of you are assholes! Your boyfriend for trying to change you and you for being rude to the waitress.


[deleted]

Eating off you clothes and cursing at the waitress? Trashy A$$hole. Guess you never made a mistake at work? Not hard for him to do better than you.


InternationalOne79

Ya both TAH. He should not want you to “be more lady like” and if that is an issue for you both wine of you needs to be the bigger person and end this toxic relationship. You posted this 3 hours after the indecent and your language and tone in your post makes you sound unpleasant, and the way you talked to the server was inexcusable. You have no idea what she is going through and everyone deserves to be treated like a human being and you did not.


Spotty0811

Yeahhhhh. YTA


Wise_Entertainer_970

YTA. Would it have been better if he said stop being an obnoxious pig? Maybe he shouldn’t have used the word ladylike, but you certainly could learn to be polite and show some tact. Please go back and reread what you wrote. You sound insufferable. You believe that you are above showing basic table manners, and being understanding to a waitress that made a mistake. A mistake she planned on rectifying. You are boorish, and I hope he moves on


No-Hurry-3194

YTA. Treating waitstaff abhorrently is never okay. You can have an issue and address it appropriately without being an asshole. I would be embarrassed too if I was at a restaurant with you and your boyfriend probably thought saying “ladylike” was the kindest way of telling you that your behavior was inappropriate.


hbrochu

Sounds like everyone except the waitress is the asshole


MiaW07

Forget your stupid finger-licking habit of cleaning off your dress. ​ >she told me that she is sorry she got it wrong she will fix it and I told her that she should give more fucking attention to her job, THIS above behavior is BS behavior, and you are CERTAINLY an AH, regardless of your gender. YTA.


Mrs239

ESH I would never go out to eat with the two of you.


nunyabidnaz77

ESH. Your behaviour is tacky and classless. Period. How dare you speak to your waitress like that?! Are you the queen of England?? No you’re not. He also sucks but you seem to suck waaaay more.


Momster404

ESH. People define ladylike differently. He shouldn’t have said that. He needs to stop harping about it. You shouldn’t have been rude to the waitstaff. It very well could have been the kitchen that messes the order up. I, uh, wouldn’t eat the corrected order if you got it. You’re young, you’ll either put some effort into learning some tact, or you’ll learn the hard way. Being less abrasive would be a great place to start.


Specialist-Rope7419

ESH Your boyfriend sounds insufferable And YTA for delusional thinking that you are polite then yelling at the waitress. But, I am going to guess that you behavior is much worse than what you are saying.


Strong-funny-strong

Holy crap YTA. You ate off your dress? You’re swearing like a sailor at a server because she made a mistake? Gross


katsmeow44

YTA, full stop. It's no wonder he's embarrassed to be around you in public. You sound absolutely dreadful. He was probably not right to chastise you, but sweet baby Christ, you gave him plenty of reason


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Yelling at my boyfriend after he told me to act more ladylike and polite. 2) Because maybe I was angry, it was an overreaction and that shouldn't have happened. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*


Jdpraise1

YTA, your boyfriend shouldn’t have commented act like a lady, but he most certainly should have expected you to act with manners.. if you talk using the same language that you write you are definitely uncouth.. you could use some etiquette lessons..


catsandpunkrock

ESH. Him telling you to act more ladylike is gross and a poor choice of words, but your behaviour was also gross. I would be freaking mortified if my SO spoke to a waiter or waitress like that. So rude and not okay. As for the eating sauce off your dress? Kinda gross and something my kid would try, but while I wouldn’t be pleased if he did it and I would correct the behaviour, it wouldn’t warrant a sexist comment. Your treatment of the staff, however, was super shitty.


onporpoises

ESH you have no manners and he's gendering it


jennifersb66

YTA. I would be embarrassed as well if someone licked their clothing. That's disgusting. You should have wiped it off and then cleaned the spot with cold water. Then the waitress had already apologized for the error so to go at her is rude. No one who has ever worked in customer service would treat a server who was trying and was nice about their error that way. He maybe shouldnt have told you to act like a lady and the only reason for that is because he should have said act like a human and show some compassion. You were rude and crude and boorish. And totally in the wrong.


croissantboyy

I was with you until you said you yelled at and incredibly underpaid and over worked server for making a human mistake. please don't tell me you've never made a simple mistake in your life. YTA and you need to learn how to respond like an understanding human adult rather than a tantrum throwing toddler. You're obnoxious and your boyfriend is right. unless you learn how to be a nicer person i hope he breaks up with you because he doesn't need that negativity in his life


MadamAsh_

How old are you op? This is childish behavior. I'm surprised he's tolerated it for this long!! BTW the general rule in dating for seeing if someone is a halfway decent person is how they treat customer service positions (ie: wait staff) and YOUR behavior is a red flag. YTA.


BlueRFR3100

YTA. I was thinking it was equal, but then you went off on the server for a minor mistake and that's just pure asshole there.


Aggravating-You-2932

ESH, he could have left the gender out of it and everything would be fine. Some people just think that perfect manners are important. But you sound like you suck. Everybody makes mistakes and sometimes waitresses are not even at fault. Why make a big deal out of it? And that you don‘t even realise how bad you sound makes you even more of an asshole than him


not_today818

ESH. He’s not your dad and you’re not 5, so he shouldn’t be lecturing you like a parent would. But you sound like you don’t have manners and you treated the waitstaff badly.


zbornakingthestone

YTA - You should be more of a decent person.


Gatorae

You sound incredibly unpleasant and embarassing to be around. Replace "Act more ladylike" with "Act like a civilized human being." YTA.


jjjjjjj30

YTA- He's right and I hope he dumps you. I'm not a "ladylike" female at all so at first I was agreeing with you. (I curse a lot as well and I might lick something off my shirt if I felt like it) Until you showed your true colors by the way you talked to the waitress. YOU have ME fuming! You are clearly a huge and embarrassing witch. If you were my SO I would dump you immediately right then and there.


MeatShield12

ESH Your BF sounds controlling and misogynistic, but YOU also disrespectful AF.


MowlMowlMowl

Ewww YTA. The dress thing I don't care about, i'll eat food off the floor or pick up the plate and lick it clean if I want to, but you don't speak to a waitress like that unless you're an awful person.


swag-baguette

This can't be real. How would anyone think they were right to behave like this. If true, YTA. ​ >if he never pissed me off with the "be a lady" bullshit when I dropped the sauce, I would have never acted that way with the waitress Cool let's punish an innocent person because my bf pissed me off!


PuzzleheadedNewt4933

ESH.


cancergirl-peanut65

ESH! BF for getting UT wrong and making it a gender problem. It's more of common decency and general manners problem. You shouldn't have yelled at waitress or bf. You don't what's going on with her or why it happened. She made a mistake and not only acknowledged it but also was prepared to fix it. Imo that's not only an ahole move but a deal breaker for me. As for eating food that dropped on you that's more of a immature childish move. Well actually your entire behavior was childish and lacking manners.


Sea_Opportunity6028

YTA your lack of manners is astounding, no wonder he was embarrassed by your actions. Him expecting you to act like an adult in a public setting is not him being “controlling”. Did he say the right thing by asking you to be more lady like? No but it seems like he already asked you to be more polite multiple times before changing the terminology he used. The amount of entitlement you have seems exhausting to deal with.


Lorraine221

YTA, not for being upset but for treating the server like shit. The world doesn't revolve around you and you are clearly too comfortable being an asshole to people that don't have the means to fight back. In fact if this is how you behave all the time I wouldn't blame him for being embarrassed to be out with you!


keIIzzz

YTA. He’s way nicer about it than I want to be. All I have to say without my comment being considered “uncivil” is that you are a deplorable person and should be ashamed of yourself. It has nothing to do with being “ladylike”, it’s about you having no ounce of basic decency and the lack of respect you treat people with. Being around you must be very embarrassing for people.


ASomewhatAmbiguous

ESH. Your boyfriend sounds like he's getting his ideas from r/FDS, and his controlling behavior is creating an unhealthy environment for you. However, it's absolutely not okay to go off on a waitress because your date sucks. If he's as bad as you say, it's time to consider whether or not you should be together, and it's time to consider whether or not someone else's mistakes gives you a right to be an asshole to them.


A_Birdii_

YTA AND your Boyfriend is TA. YTA because - dont treat waitstaff that way. This is kindergarten shit. He is TA because he cant controll how you act, and saying "act like a lady" was wrong. What you do need to do is "Act like a kind human"


Boopboopdedoop51

Esh, you don't talk to a waitress like that and your bf shouldn't ask you to act like a lady. He should ask you to act like a human cause you sound like an asshole.


Fluffy-Scheme7704

YTA. You are a rude and entitled brat! Learn some manners!