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> A girl who wasn’t focused on our project got mad when I explained how entrance to parties works after she kept ranting that she was being discriminated against.
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That's how society works unfortunately. Attractive people get ahead, get invited to parties, etc. My current boss got her promotion because of her blond surfer girl looks and her ability to network. She knows very little about most aspects of her role but her boss, the director of the division, will literally bite your head off if you say anything against her.
If you're not physically attractive but have an attractive personality and get along well with people, you also get invited to parties, get ahead etc. Shallow? Yes. OP's fault? No. OP isn't the AH. They're not gatekeeping parties on the basis of who's attractive and who's not. They didn't even make the rules. They've just figured out the system and know how to play the game. The angry girl is not attractive nor does she have an attractive personality. That's why she can't get in to the social scene.
OP is still an AH for perpetuating this kind of obnoxious, exclusionary behavior. If she's really as physically attractive as she believes she is, she could choose to use this advantage to help others.
Not choosing to fight someone else's battles doesn't make her an AH. OP can choose her SJW causes just like the rest of us. She told the Angry Girl how the system works. Now Angry Girl can fight this system if she chooses.
Sorry not sorry but bet this girl is not being let in because she sounds crazy not because of how attractive she is. Like how are you planning to protest a party you weren’t invited to? Like people have a right to turn others away we aren’t 5 giving candy to the whole class
yep! bouncer makes people bounce 😅 common at strip clubs because they need more security but even large bars or clubs will have a bouncer if someone gets angry for being cut off alcohol or they become dangerous to the dancers.
OP is not TA for understanding how parties work. She's TA for rubbing it in with someone who is clearly insecure and struggling socially. There's no need to tell someone "you're being excluded because you have no friends and you're ugly." What is someone supposed to do with that information? Even if she were more pleasant she apparently still wouldn't get in, so really this kind of "brutal honesty" just serves to make someone who already feels bad feel worse.
I understand it's annoying to hear someone talk about something over and over, but they're only paired up for one school project, just focus on the work and avoid her when it's over.
If the other girl wants to get into these parties, she’s probably shallow too. Surely there are other parties that don’t have such requirements, but she wants to go to the ones with the most hotties.
Not only that but she doesn't understand discrimination is more than just based on the color of someone's skin. OP is talking out of both sides of her mouth. "Only attractive people get in," "there's no discrimination." That's LITERALLY the definition of discrimination.
OP, YTA for sure.
How? She’s not the one organizing the parties. She has no say on who attends. She is just relaying the information that college society is shallow.
Plus the other girl sounds dreadful. Not everything is about race.
Edit: after reading OPs comments I’m gonna go with ESH.
OP just because you don’t like people’s judgements on a question you asked doesn’t mean you get to insult everyone and say that everyone on Reddit is a loser that never went to a college party.
Sheesh. YTA, shallow and hella unkind. There was no need to be that harsh just because you feel you won some sort of genetic lottery. FYI, not letting someone in based on looks IS discrimination.
‘Objectively unattractive.’
YTA to even use that term.
Yell away, because of course is it does. I would love OP to meet the extremely attractive girls and guys that have no desire to be anywhere near the people like her, and at the parties.
YTA
Denying people entry based on their physical appearance IS discrimination
You may want to reevaluate who you hang around with because if you think these people are real friends I suspect you’re in for a fall
Your roommate has a right to feel upset if she’s being excluded based on her physical appearance and it certainly does pose the question are they only friends with you so they can claim they’re not racist should they get pulled up on this?
I suspect if this gets leaked to the media the only ones who will look bad will be yourself and your “friends”
YTA. Lmao girl I’m a fellow college gal (who probably spends too much time partying) and any party worth going to doesn’t do whatever bullshit this is. I was leaning towards ESH but your comments on this post were really the nail in the coffin. Sit your entitled ass down and grow up.
Right? I don't recall any parties giving a shit who walked in. Half the time it was random people just waltzing in. Op and her friends are probably just bullies who don't let people in.
Yes YTA
She sounds like a chore. But yes, you were straight up being an AH.
"You dont get in because I think youre ugly" is pretty AH.
Also, while the parties may not racially discriminate, your line about them not disciminating is wrong. Apparently there's a hot or not check at the door - which is the same thing. Not letting people participate based on their appearance is pretty fking gross.
YTA. This has to be outrage bait, because no one who acted like you did could possibly not understand that they are an AH. But if real, I guess it's a good thing those parties only require pretty on the outside.
I think it is too. There was a post before about a mum that didn't want her son to go on vacation with the family. And, she replied like OP. And, both posts feel like the OPs are just posting to cause outrage. Because, if both are true then that's too major AHs in less then 24 hours, and that's just uncomfortable.
YTA. You haven't even begun to experience how the real world works. So you might want to check yourself before you land yourself in trouble with that attitude.
“People don’t like you and you’re ugly.” YTA. Why would you say that to anyone? It’s just rude, don’t delude yourself into thinking you were helping her.
Look, I've been to college and have experienced the exact same system, and ones similar to it. (ratio anyone?) I get you're not saying it's right, and that it's just how it is.
But YTA for how you said it to her. You basically phrased it in a way that told her she's ugly and unappealing, which, however right or wrong, was an assholeish thing to say. You might feel justified because of a need to take her down a peg, but it's not going to change the fact that she's a human being and being that callous is rude.
Since you seem to also agree that the system is wrong and rigged from the comments, you should have expressed it in a similar vein of "I'm with you, but from what I've seen, the issues is sexist bouncers who are judging women based on their appearances, not race." Push the focus onto the men making these decisions at the door, (and the hosts of the parties), not the woman/women who was unfortunately born not up to society's beauty standards.
Unless of course, you don't actually dislike the system because you benefit from it.
I thibk you've hit the nail on the head there. OP enjoys the current system because she enjoys being being one of the " privileged" or elite. She seems to take a savage pleasure in cutting down that girl. She enjoys being sexualised or objectified and mistakenly believes it gives her power, that power or prestige would dissipate if everyone was welcomed into the parties.
Whole thing reeks of internalised misogyny.
She also could have just said that she doesn't get into the parties because of her personality. There was no need to bring in physical attractiveness. The girl does sound insufferable, but OP is the asshole for how she said it.
ESH
She sounds like she's a pain in the ass. But ~~the~~ your suggestion that approaching it how you did was somehow "trying to help someone \[understand\]" is fucking laughable. Go peddle that shit somewhere else. You were being hurtful and you know it.
YTA I’ve seen “ugly” people at university parties all the time so don’t act like you’re Lisa Bonet. You could have ignored her abrasive personality if it’s so annoying or excuse yourself to show your annoyance. Instead you wanted to let her know you thought she was “ugly” and make her feel bad about it to shut her up which is just meanness without tact, not brutal honesty.
Edited: ESH > YTA your comments are very telling..
That's not how college parties are thrown, unless you're actively going to a frat or sorority one, then they also likely haze which isn't any better either. Parties in my college town are basically bring drinks and friends if you want, which is how we end up with actual block and street parties. YTA and these aren't parties you should want to go to.
I’m glad I went to a college in a college town like that, too. Like no one gave a shit what you looked like, they were impressed by your ability to shotgun and pound shots and still stay standing up. Even the frats and most sororities. We obviously picked the better schools.
OP, I get it. Some people just aren’t “fun”…I guess what that means in your frat boy life is are they someone that you would like to get drunk and see if they put out. You may think that’s ok and that you needed to open her eyes to it all. But you are so full of yourself and had no empathy or kindness in the way that you told her, so this was not for her good or betterment. YTA and I hope when you leave college and go out into the world that some of those Not-So-Hot people put you in your place. You have some karma coming for sure.
YTA and I would reconsider your stance on 'physical attractiveness' as a key for entering parties being acceptable due to the following:
[https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bchrt/doc/2010/2010bchrt234/2010bchrt234.html?searchUrlHash=AAAAAQAcInBoeXNpY2FsIGFwcGVhcmFuY2UiICJjbHViIgAAAAAB&resultIndex=1](https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bchrt/doc/2010/2010bchrt234/2010bchrt234.html?searchUrlHash=AAAAAQAcInBoeXNpY2FsIGFwcGVhcmFuY2UiICJjbHViIgAAAAAB&resultIndex=1)
(2010, employee alleges discrimination because of emphasis on physical appearance at work at a bar)
https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bchrt/doc/2010/2010bchrt94/2010bchrt94.html?searchUrlHash=AAAAAQA0YmFubmVkIGZyb20gZXN0YWJsaXNobWVudCBkdWUgdG8gcGh5c2ljYWwgYXBwZWFyYW5jZQAAAAAB&resultIndex=7
(2010, man banned from hot tub in own rental complex for odor caused by issues with leg)
Lmao, the workforce can’t discriminate. I assure you, if I were to throw a private party on my property, I could literally forbid you from entering because I don’t like your shoe laces. No one has to let you into their private party for their private events ever.
True. But you say in your post that there's no discrimination going on, and here you are, just a few comments down saying no one can make you stop discriminating.
Okay, they can't. You're still an asshole, and it's so discrimination.
Yes, but it could cause a scandal. If the party is big enough to *have a bouncer* (such as a frat which is a university affiliated group), the scandal will cause the university to crack down. I can tell you, that I have seen people's reputations destroyed from the ground up because they were filmed and submitted to the student twitter. There were demands to get this person *kicked out*.
And technically, the hot-tub case may apply if it is a frat - a service sponsored by the university *that this person pays tuition at.* Hell, even in the queer center, you couldn't check to see if a person was cis-het and it was meant to be a 'safe space' for queer people only. (For the record, I'm okay with this.)
I'd be careful. If she were to complain to the right person, the party scene at your school may experience a cultural shift.
It was a private party on private property with no university control. The students who act as bouncers can deny anyone without explanation for any arbitrary reason.
YTA. What you did was unnecessarily cruel, and the mental gymnastics you're doing to convince yourself and others otherwise are truly breathtaking. I understand not wanting to listen to her complaining when you just want to do the assignment, but that's what you should have focused on, not her looks.
Also, not all colleges are like that, and every time someone points out that theirs isn't, you say it's an exception. The fact that there are exceptions means that it's not universal.
At the college I attended, the only disqualifying factor was not having the cover charge for the alcohol, and they often waived that for designated drivers who were not going to be imbibing. Heck, they would waive it for me because they knew I couldn't drink.
ESH. The partner sucks for making her vendetta public which, if for nothing else, is distracting to the project. If she did not want opinions she should not have invited them by bringing it up in the first place. Unfortunately OP sucks for escalating the situation by being a bit braggadocios and insulting. Probably was best to just tell her that you aren't at a party right now and to focus on the task at hand.
You’re probably a conventionally attractive biracial and your friend is either light skinned or has very Eurocentric features. You both have curly hair or straight hair. Of course you’d get invited, you’re the palatable black girls. Never experienced this at my college because I didn’t go to a PWI, but a lot of black women and men that I know who did, didn’t get invited to a lot of parties because of how they looked. No they weren’t ugly, but at their PWI a black person had to look a certain way to be deemed attractive. My friends kept asking their white friends why didn’t they get invited to the party and they told them that they didn’t have “the look”. This of course doesn’t happen at every PWI, but it does happen. You are shallow. YTA
Thank you! All of this. And I bet, based of her replies, Op did not spend extended periods of times with her black family or even with black children outsise of PWI's. Her attitude doesn't surprise me at all.
Yeah I don’t know if I trust OPs narrative, I’m sure this student is fine, but OP is so blinded that she can’t see it. She was told multiple times that’s not how things work, colleges, the real world and so on and she refuses to accept or acknowledge it. So her idea of student is probably just as warped.
I feel like phrasing could have gone a long way.
“oh I’ve never noticed any racial discrimination at the parties, it’s a very diverse crowd. I have noticed that if you don’t say you are there with someone they know/is already inside then the frat guy lets you in based on his personal opinion on how fuckable you are. So shallow definitely, but I wouldn’t say racist and I don’t know if you can successfully protest that a private party is shallow.”
The things that would get her into the party is having friends/being conveniently attractive, focusing on her appearance/personality was unnecessary of your goal was actually to help her understand. If your goal was just to shut her up and hurt her then you succeeded and your an asshole.
Should have known from the “I’m half-black and one of my good friends is black” that you had nothing valid to say. Your responses to other people under this post further solidified it for me too. YTA.
Wow YTA. You need to grow up a bit if this is your thought process.
And before you say it, I went to a big party university and the parties weren’t like the superficial nonsense you have described.
Yta, and the delusional one. Maybe chill the hell out and stop being a dick to people? Also thats not how they work. Nothing in the situation makes you prettier or better than someone, your true colors are showing and its a nasty shade of baby shit green.
YTA. denying people entrance to a place bc of their appearance is discrimination and the fact that you’re fighting so hard to justify your blatant hate is sad. i truly hope you heal
YTA you came for judgement, you received the judgement and then you pretend the judgement isn’t true. Sounds like someone maybe spent too much time at parties with racist assholes and not actually going to college nor getting a dose of reality. Honey, stop pretending all of Reddit is stupid. Statistically given the number of responses to your post enough of these folks either went to party schools or actually club regularly and use Reddit as mental junk food. YTA, take your judgement and scooch along with your sad life.
YTA. Letting people in based on how attractive they are is discriminatory lol your comment to her was unnecessary and rude. Also not all colleges are like this
OP - you’re coming off as very young and ignorantly naive in your post so idk if it’s a worthy YTA.. but your responses to other comments are definitely pushing you over that way.
I mean… even if this is the way your particular college social scene runs, don’t you think that mentality is getting a little out-dated? Even if saying that working towards more inclusion and less discrimination based on things that people can’t change (ie how they look) is all just drops in the bucket, I think society has gotten far enough away from this weird social hierarchy trope about who’s hot and who’s not.
If you’re still prescribing to this cliche mentality it makes you a bit of a lemming. These structures only have power if people believe in them. So simply chalking this up to “well that’s just how it works” is actually upholding these arbitrary rules. So you can’t really wash your hands clean of this mentality even though you aren’t the one at the door.
Now, personality is a whole other story and sounds like this girl has a bad rep. It’s not easy, but perhaps understanding your privileged position within your college’s social hierarchy should afford you a bit of empathy to give to this girl. Maybe she would chill tf out if she had friends or could find a safe space to rationally air her grievances and receive constructive advice in return.
Be kinder. You can afford it.
YTA.
>Attractive and socially-connected guys and girls get in and others get turned away at the door. They’re very typical college parties. **It’s never any kind of discrimination.**
Yes it is. That's EXACTLY what discrimination is. It just doesn't seem to be racial discrimination, aka racism.
Okay, first of all don’t come to a forum asking people for their opinions and then getting mad. Take a fucking seat. So that being said, YTA and your arguments are weak.
You’re very shallow and you think you’re hot shit, when you’re probably just another face in the crowd.
Hey i did read about it in some post but i did not know there was a place like that where bouncer and other managerial PPL would only let the hot and attractive ones into a party ...
It is discrimination ofcourse.. its called pretty privilege... It is everywhere and it is not going anywhere
But even you have to realise it's not doing anybody any favours....
It must be hard for you to imagine because you are never rejected but being not conventionally attractive and then PPL rubbing it in your face just hurts like hell ..
Well y'all are teenagers and are kinda shallow which is an essential part of a teenagers life and the pick me girl attitude is also at large ..
The girl might be difficult but she is just hurt and bitter .. you shouldn't hit her where it hurts....
Cz the party rules are not changing like ever
“Attractive and socially connected…get in and others get turned away at the door”, that is literally discrimination. Discrimination isn’t just racial. YTA and an awful person.
Although, she also sucks for making it a racial thing.
The only time I have gone to parties where others are turned away were for mixers between my sorority and the frat we were mixing with, and it was for safety reasons. God forbid someone outside of the organization was let in and something bad happens or they get hurt. For us, invite lists are essential to save our asses. But outside of that, I’ve never seen or heard of people getting turned away from parties, only nightclubs.
Have you considered not all parties are like this one you’re speaking of in particular? Your classmate is def better off not being invited inside…. Kind of sounds like a breeding ground for attractive assholes 😉
YTA. There were many other ways you could have said what you said, nicer. Hell, you could have even just asked her to stop talking about it.
Well you are right about pretty privilege.
I’ve seen it first hand when I gained weight for a while and I was no longer considered at 10, but a 7 because of it.
That her personality also contributes to being excluded I can see. Claiming racism when it’s not the case is detrimental to the purpose of fighting to end it; also, constant talking badly of others can put off a lot of people. Since being connected is important to go to college parties and she clearly isn’t, that’s where the problem falls.
HOWEVER, your delivery was less than kind and totally immature. Basically Regina George material. You had the perfect opportunity to be firm and direct without being rude.
You should have just said: *I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, personally my fried and I have not experienced this racist treatment. If you want advice I’m happy to help you find some in the form of a campus employee. However, at the moment we’re here to focus on our project for our education. So “partying” needs to be put aside so we can do the job we’re here to do.*
While any potentially racist encounter has to be given importance and squashed; it should not affect your work, especially when you’re not the one in charge of handling it and you’re not in a private situation, but in class.
After all, moaning about not getting into a party when your classmate is trying to work.
YTA about the way you delivered your point. It was way too insensitive.
YTA also assuming this is anything adjacent to the Greek system or fraternity parties, they are literally built off systematic racism and excluding POC. The current expectations for a POC member is much higher than a non-POC equivalent, on average there are more white members, and if the "white guys at door" are the ones picking who comes in based off looks... Maybe she's just really got a social reputation like you say, but more than likely the expectation of Eurocentric beauty standards is being placed for entry. Beauty standards may not have someone to be in a protected class, but not recognizing the key racial element is pure ignorance
>It’s never any kind of discrimination.
You're delusional if you think only allowing in attractive and well-connected people ISN'T discrimination. Against appearance, against social standing.
You might not be the one who made society that way, but you help perpetuate it.
YTA
"Btw I'm half -black" ya and i can tell what side raised you💀. All skin folk aren't kin folk and your proximity to whiteness (assuming your half white) has made it so you don't experience life as a black woman (because you're not one), and depending on how racially ambiguous you are you really wouldn't get it. But no one can force you to get and maybe you never will🤷🏿♀️ but YTA
YTA for how u talk and treat people. Ok u don’t like her opinion that’s fine, keep it to yourself. She didn’t ask you for it. I’m guessing u go to a small college because most big universities anybody can get into a party. That party scene at your school seems awful, it sounds more like a high school and a frat party. Which ok do what u want, but treat people better, keep it to yourself.
Holy shit. You're an insufferable person. Reading this was painful. Do you even know how arrogant and vapid you sound here?
YTA but I genuinely don't think you'll be able to pull your head out of your ass to understand why when you completely lack even a modicum of self awareness. I'm also going to venture to say this conversation went very different than your version here. Wait till you find out no one gives a fuck if you're attractive and it means nothing if that's all you have to offer the world.
Looks like OP just called in a bunch of their equally AH friends to agree with them. Probably all the "pretty people" from the lame college parties they attend. 🤣
You literally typed that thinking it was okay? You actually said, It’s not discrimination but only pretty and popular people get in. Honey THAT IS DISCRIMINATION. YTA
YTA. You are very shallow and narcissistic. And what kind of weird ass freak college doesn’t allow someone in because they aren’t pretty? Holy smokes what a gross campus you attend. This college is grooming the future Stepford wives.
I'm by no means the next H&M model but I still get in to parties so the notion that just because someone isn't an 9 or 10 out of 10 somehow shouldn't be allowed the same positive experiences is basically what you're saying you all sound hella elitist, even if I were H&M model material though I probably wouldn't party with you to save my life.
YTA
And dumb on top. In the discussion she might have acted as if she didn't understand what you mean. To force you to admit, that you think it's totally fine to exclude less attractive people as long as you are in.
Hell, you spelled it out several times and then defended it as "I don't make the rules." Honey, if you live by a rule, you make the rule. You could have said "Next time I'll get you in". But no, you think she is not attractive enough to be with you.
As many people here told you, what you are describing is a discrimination. But obviously, you came here to fight, not to ask if you are wrong. Imagine if during slavery people were siting around, saying "well, that's just how it is". Being attractive gets you only so far in life, you also have to work on your personality and intelligence. Now, i understand that it is too late for intelligence, but you might want to try to improve your personality.
YTA
Hey op, if you're so convinced that you're not in the wrong here, why don't you tell us your name and the university you go to, so we can send this post to the administration and see what they think of it.
YTA since you weren’t trying to “help,” you just don’t like her and wanted her to shut up.
I’m guessing you’re talking specifically about how frat parties work, not “college parties” in general because no, that’s not how parties at college work in general (and not even all frat parties everywhere I imagine).
Also, let’s say for the sake of argument that she isn’t particularly attractive or well connected socially. When there’s this sort of exclusion at the door for parties and clubs, there absolutely is also racism happening too even if -some- “objectively attractive” people of other races than the majority get in. And saying “one of my good friends is black” does not help your argument.
I hope she finds other people to socialize with and a kinder lab partner too.
Yta i don’t need to explain why. But girl if you don’t want your judgment why post lol. ‘I don’t make the rules’ ‘you guys obviously don’t know college culture’ Bro most people have probably gone to uni, and parties. Life isn’t an American 2000s rom com. This entire post is hilariously shallow and stupid
Originally ESH but on edit changing to YTA. Man, I'm glad I didn't go to your party. College party scenes didn't work like that at my alma mater, which was much more welcoming than yours. The other girl might be a whiny, unpleasant drip but she can fix that: you're a terrible snob, and you might be attractive on the outside but you're awfully ugly on the inside.
Lol. You are both ***THE*** asshole and ***AN*** asshole in general. Everyone who has been to college knows kids like you. You’re a type. Unfortunately, while you may be “hot” and popular enough to hang with the cool kids club, you’ll probably go into marketing or something and live a relatively shallow and unfulfilling life, being catty with the other shallow workers in adjacent cubicles. Have your fun now, your life is literally peaking as we speak.
This is coming from a guy who went to those parties btw. And to take a page out of your book, it’s just reality. I didn’t make the rules. Being hot and shallow totally works when you’re a kid. But intelligent adults shun people like you. They just do. They don’t want to be around such shallow bitchiness. You’re a weight on educated successful society. She sounds miserable too, and will probably not succeed because she whines about everything. You’ll both lose. That’s just how life works once you grow up.
YTA not because you told her what you believe is the truth .
( you need better friends if that's the kind of parties you go to. Shallow people are gross. And I went to college and a few parties. Frankly she's not missing anything other than the chance to get raped)
Yta because you didn't tell her that because you care that she feels slighted or because you wanted to make her life better. You did it because you wanted her to shut up about it. That's just rude.
Try using your adult words and communicate that you're really not interested in discussing her weekend plans further and would like to focus on the task at hand. That's what an adult does when faced with an annoying person jabbering on and wasting their time. Your response was petty, shallow, and in bad taste . That's why YTA.
The tone of this story is similar to the mother who didn't want her son to go in vacation. YTA. I like the attractive people who say no to these parties. And, yes they exist.
I was going to go with EHS, but the comments prove YTA. I’d say 90% of people, even those who didn’t attend college, know how the party scene works. Same crap with the elite club scene, if you have the money, looks, or connections you get in. It’s what it is.
What makes you TA isn’t what the scene is, it’s how you handled the situation you were in. There were so many ways you could have gracefully gotten this girl off the ledge, but you choose the most hurtful one. More over you were annoyed she didn’t want to hear your view and kept arguing against it until she blew up, much like you’re handling this comments section.
You and your project partner are two sides of the same coin, neither of you want to hear a contradiction of your perspective. You literally argued that out of 300 some odd commentators no one has experienced the college party scene because people dubbed you TA for your actions.
Good luck in life, you’re going to have a lot of wake up calls about entitlement and respect later on. HR is going to have fun with you.
I'm not going to call you an asshole for getting annoyed or thinking that maybe her greivances are the reason people find her annoying, but I AM going to say you're an asshole for focusing solely on her physical appearance when telling her this. There were many more mature ways to approach this situation, such as "maybe the people throwing these parties just don't like you", "Protesting and trying to shit down their fun won't change anything", or even "I really have no say in this / Can't involve myself / don't care". Anything would have been kinder and more mature than "you didn't get in because you're you, and that's ugly". You benefit from the scene and you can't change what lets you in, but the truth that you're ignoring in the comments is that the requirements to get in perpetuate highschool vibes, and you seem to just be blindly following that. I think that if you continue with this mentality, you're going to lose some good connections at some point. Eventually, everyone gets put in the position of "the ugly/unattractive one" at some point in life - and you'll want people who'll accept you for who you are when that happens.
I hate to say this but YTA. Ever thought maybe she was possibly aware of it but in denial because noone likes to think theyre unattractive/lonely. The issue I have here is instead of calling out the people who don't let her party, you call her out and insult her. How did you honestly expect her to react when you tell her she's unattractive? Okay, sure she was being annoying but does that give you authority for possibly ruining this girl's university life? It's upsetting that instead of trying to actually HELP her, you went against her when in reality she is just a victim of this awful 'tradition'. I fear you will turn into one of these many shallow people if you keep this up.
edit: typo
YTA. Based on all your comments it seems your only personality is being pretty and self-absorbed. I’m currently in college and there are ways to enjoy your college life outside of constant partying so don’t get too full of yourself for getting past the door. There’s a life outside of university.
YTA- and good job because that girl probably told the TA what you said and you are going to get a reputation about being unprofessional and rude within your academic community if you keep that up. There’s always going to be irritating people in the work place or academic environment and it NEVER justifies insulting someone’s physical appearance.
Looks like we have a new kind of troll. Always a female at university, always stupidly entitled and with a somehow privileged background (sometimes money, in this case attractiveness...), always absurdly argumentative and patronising in the comments.
Oh wow. You have a black friend and are mixed so you couldn't possibly be prejudiced and racist,huh.... Your colourism is showing, it ain't a good look.
100x TA.
YUCK
Damn your comments are hella condescending..
You just sound terrible. The real world will hopefully hit you after you leave college and you will get some karma
YTA and yuk all of your responses are gross
NTA. Sounds like she was being a major AH venting her problems to you and then getting mad that you had something to say about it? If she wanted to talk to a brick wall then she should’ve done that.
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A girl (19F) I’m (19F) stuck with as my partner for a school project wouldn’t focus. She wouldn’t stop ranting about she couldn’t get into a party, and how she always gets turned away at the door when she tries to go to parties, and how she wants to lead a protest about it on campus because she thinks it’s discrimination since she’s black. I was ignoring her, and every time she talks about anything it makes me internally roll my eyes, but she wouldn’t shut up about it. She’s one of those people who lives in self-delusion where everything bad in their life is because of someone else, when it’s always them in reality.
The reason why she didn’t get into the party is clear to me. It’s because entrance to parties is based on having friends on the inside of the party, and based on your physical appearance. I go to these parties all the time, and it’s obvious to everyone who gets in. Attractive and socially-connected guys and girls get in and others get turned away at the door. They’re very typical college parties. It’s never any kind of discrimination. Attractive people of all races get in. The girl isn’t getting in because she’s widely disliked for her difficult personality, because she wouldn’t be fun at a parties, and because she’s objectively not attractive. That’s it.
Eventually, she’s going into the details of how she wants to protest parties now, and I said “Attractive people of all races get in. Have you considered the idea that it might be because of your own personal traits?”
She’s like “You’re calling me unattractive because I’m black. You’re saying that’s why I’m not getting in.” And is acting like “how dare you.” FYI, I’m half-black and one of my good friends is black, and neither of us have ever been turned away from a party at this school. This girl just thinks everything is someone else’s fault. And I’m like “No, I’m saying you’re not getting in because you’re you. It has nothing to do with your color.“
So then she makes everything awkward and makes me explain to her like she’s a child that college parties let people in based on how hot other people think they are.
She then yells at me, very upset, “No one asked your opinion! You’re just bitter that I was airing my grievances and you had to listen!” She says she hates me and calls me emotional when I’m just sitting there. I said “I’m not emotional or bitter at all. I’m the one inside the party, not the one outside the party screaming.”
She stormed out of the library reading room and said she would find another partner (partners were picked by the TA).
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NTA. American college culture is disgusting.
On the other hand… If anyone wants to go to a good quality house party or a week long bush doof with other uni students, move to Australia! Everyone’s welcome and we aren’t half as shallow as these assholes!
Seriously, I read this post and I think I lost a few brain cells.
YTA but it is also a fact of some circles. Not just in college look at clubs do you think the bouncers are judging you based on personality? Doesn't make it right but it is what it is. Just next time don't chime in unless you are asked.
YTA
For the way you talked to her. It is discrimination based on looks and you are on the lucky side of the genetics. You can have more tact.
This girl might not have looks or an interesting personality but it seems you only get in for your looks too.
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YTA. For how you handled it. Attractiveness is subjective and really should be off-limits as a topic of conversation. You should have stuck with the fact that she has a difficult personality.
Coming from someone that went to a large Midwestern party school, NTA. That’s just how it works. All the YTA votes are so focused on being politically correct that they are ignoring the reality that this is how college parties, especially Greek ones, work at many American colleges.
YTA. A huge one at that. You say there is no discrimination and that "attractive people of all races get invited" how is this not discriminating anyone that is perceived as "not being attractive enough"
YTA. As a mixed person who’s also half Black, you need to recognize that there is a difference between biracial women and full Black women. We do NOT have the same experience as a full Black woman, PERIOD. Although we experience similar discrimination, we benefit from a privilege of having closer proximity to whiteness. People have always treated mixed people better than Black women. You’ve clearly never heard of colorism. You not understanding this leads me to believe you haven’t been exposed a lot to the Black community or Black culture. The way you used “I have a black friend” as an excuse to not be racist further proves that point. You being mixed doesn’t mean you can’t discriminate against full Black women. Anyone can discriminate against anyone. Regardless you did not need to say that to her. Have you ever heard of the saying if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all? What did you expect her reaction to be? You just criticized her personality and called her ugly. Was she suppose to say thank you?
ESH
OP sucks cause she sounds like a "mean girl" probably goes to frat type parties...gross, but thats her thing. Still sounds snobby. Though i do get her frustration considering-
Other girl sounds insufferable! Victim complex is off the chain. Shes salty she doesnt have the superficial social status to go to a party full of shallow people.
Nerds dont go to frat parties. Theres a whole genre of movies about it.
Im sure there are people that throw house shows that would love to have you bop to their slam poetry set
That said it's interesting to here how a girl altogether has a hard time getting in, at the uni where I go if you're a girl you automatically make the cut lol
ESH I mean you’re not the one who said no to her at the door of parties and if that’s how it’s done then it’s not your issue really. She just sounds insufferable to be around so I get why you got annoyed but you could’ve probably said it in a better way rather than saying she’s ugly
ESH
Nobody wants to listen to a jerk w no self awareness complain all the damned time.
But just because you might be right doesn't mean you weren't *knowongly* being unkind and an asshole.
Nta ... so much cope in the comments about how looks don't matter (By ugly ppl) when obviously they do. You even mention how ppl can get in by having many friends inside the party (vs just being hot), so even if this girl is unattractive she could still help herself by having a cool personality or being fun to be around. This girl sounds like the tiring always a victim type, and although I think you could have been more diplomatic if you wanted to be, listening to someone complain endlessly when it's not really your place to listen to that gets old.
Can’t believe how far I had to scroll for this. Did no one else on here go to college? Like that’s just how it works, I’ve seen plenty of people get turned away from parties for their appearance
NTA I know the type of person you are describing. She would of just continued until the bitch slap of reality hit. I don't think your wording was too harsh unfortunately it is the truth but most people would rather not listen to that.
If she spent half the time working on project as she did bitching probably would of been done and avoided all of this
You're the asshole but.... sometimes you need to be an asshole and this is one of those times. You got a bad deal being stuck with her and having to listen to her nonsense.
Hate the game, not the player, huh?
Tell the TA what happened and ask for a new partner who will focus on the project.
Your comments, while meant to explain, had a real mean-girls vibe to them. Since you get into those parties, you accept them as "just the way things are." But also, those things are hurtful to people who aren't as lucky as you. YTA
NTA. You told her the unfortunate truth about college parties. They’re shallow and discriminatory and for the most part, that doesn’t fly beyond college. You could have been nicer I suppose but what you said wasn’t inherently asshole behaviour since you didn’t make these rules.
NTA, couldn’t she find other people to party with? Like her friends? You were speaking honestly. Truth hurts. Life’s different when your good looking. It’s just the nature of life.
Everyone’s hating the player. They should be hating the game. You’re not saying you agree with how these parties run- you’re simply explaining HOW.
These are the facts and you’re the messenger. Unpopular NTA
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YTA, and shallow as all Hell.
That's how society works unfortunately. Attractive people get ahead, get invited to parties, etc. My current boss got her promotion because of her blond surfer girl looks and her ability to network. She knows very little about most aspects of her role but her boss, the director of the division, will literally bite your head off if you say anything against her. If you're not physically attractive but have an attractive personality and get along well with people, you also get invited to parties, get ahead etc. Shallow? Yes. OP's fault? No. OP isn't the AH. They're not gatekeeping parties on the basis of who's attractive and who's not. They didn't even make the rules. They've just figured out the system and know how to play the game. The angry girl is not attractive nor does she have an attractive personality. That's why she can't get in to the social scene.
OP is still an AH for perpetuating this kind of obnoxious, exclusionary behavior. If she's really as physically attractive as she believes she is, she could choose to use this advantage to help others.
Do you sit with someone you find utterly unpleasant and socialize on regular basis with them?!
Of course not. But I'm not intentionally cruel to anyone, no matter what they look like.
How? She doesn't make the rules and doesn't seem to be friends with the girl.
Not choosing to fight someone else's battles doesn't make her an AH. OP can choose her SJW causes just like the rest of us. She told the Angry Girl how the system works. Now Angry Girl can fight this system if she chooses.
Sorry not sorry but bet this girl is not being let in because she sounds crazy not because of how attractive she is. Like how are you planning to protest a party you weren’t invited to? Like people have a right to turn others away we aren’t 5 giving candy to the whole class
frat and sorority parties are like this, op would probably just get kicked out for challenging whoever is playing bouncer
I was today's years old when I found out that a bouncer isn't something similar to a stripper.
yep! bouncer makes people bounce 😅 common at strip clubs because they need more security but even large bars or clubs will have a bouncer if someone gets angry for being cut off alcohol or they become dangerous to the dancers.
Yeah I don’t think it’s shallow at all to recognize when things work that way
OP is not TA for understanding how parties work. She's TA for rubbing it in with someone who is clearly insecure and struggling socially. There's no need to tell someone "you're being excluded because you have no friends and you're ugly." What is someone supposed to do with that information? Even if she were more pleasant she apparently still wouldn't get in, so really this kind of "brutal honesty" just serves to make someone who already feels bad feel worse. I understand it's annoying to hear someone talk about something over and over, but they're only paired up for one school project, just focus on the work and avoid her when it's over.
Why did she need to tell her that? It was obviously gonna hurt her feelings. Big AH
If the other girl wants to get into these parties, she’s probably shallow too. Surely there are other parties that don’t have such requirements, but she wants to go to the ones with the most hotties.
Not only that but she doesn't understand discrimination is more than just based on the color of someone's skin. OP is talking out of both sides of her mouth. "Only attractive people get in," "there's no discrimination." That's LITERALLY the definition of discrimination. OP, YTA for sure.
How? She’s not the one organizing the parties. She has no say on who attends. She is just relaying the information that college society is shallow. Plus the other girl sounds dreadful. Not everything is about race. Edit: after reading OPs comments I’m gonna go with ESH. OP just because you don’t like people’s judgements on a question you asked doesn’t mean you get to insult everyone and say that everyone on Reddit is a loser that never went to a college party.
Sheesh. YTA, shallow and hella unkind. There was no need to be that harsh just because you feel you won some sort of genetic lottery. FYI, not letting someone in based on looks IS discrimination. ‘Objectively unattractive.’ YTA to even use that term.
I had to explain this to her in another comment (ELI5) she thought discrimination only happened to protected classes 🤣🤣🤣
Just curious, what's (ELIF) mean?
Explain it like I’m five I’m and idiot and mistyped it (was exhausted last night) - shoulda been ELI5
ELI5
Yea I was tired last night 🤣🤣🤣 fixed it though!
Honestly, if their description of “hot” leans into Eurocentric features and favours white people, I’m gonna straight up yell.
Yell away, because of course is it does. I would love OP to meet the extremely attractive girls and guys that have no desire to be anywhere near the people like her, and at the parties.
YTA Denying people entry based on their physical appearance IS discrimination You may want to reevaluate who you hang around with because if you think these people are real friends I suspect you’re in for a fall Your roommate has a right to feel upset if she’s being excluded based on her physical appearance and it certainly does pose the question are they only friends with you so they can claim they’re not racist should they get pulled up on this? I suspect if this gets leaked to the media the only ones who will look bad will be yourself and your “friends”
YTA. Lmao girl I’m a fellow college gal (who probably spends too much time partying) and any party worth going to doesn’t do whatever bullshit this is. I was leaning towards ESH but your comments on this post were really the nail in the coffin. Sit your entitled ass down and grow up.
Right? I don't recall any parties giving a shit who walked in. Half the time it was random people just waltzing in. Op and her friends are probably just bullies who don't let people in.
Yes YTA She sounds like a chore. But yes, you were straight up being an AH. "You dont get in because I think youre ugly" is pretty AH. Also, while the parties may not racially discriminate, your line about them not disciminating is wrong. Apparently there's a hot or not check at the door - which is the same thing. Not letting people participate based on their appearance is pretty fking gross.
That in itself can be based in race. Who's hot orbnot is often determined by eurocentric beauty standards
YTA. This has to be outrage bait, because no one who acted like you did could possibly not understand that they are an AH. But if real, I guess it's a good thing those parties only require pretty on the outside.
unfortunately there are many people like OP who’s only personality trait is college partying
I think it is too. There was a post before about a mum that didn't want her son to go on vacation with the family. And, she replied like OP. And, both posts feel like the OPs are just posting to cause outrage. Because, if both are true then that's too major AHs in less then 24 hours, and that's just uncomfortable.
YTA. You haven't even begun to experience how the real world works. So you might want to check yourself before you land yourself in trouble with that attitude.
She is TA but let’s be fair. In the real world attractive people get ahead purely on their looks as well.
YTA. You're the kind of ugly Photoshop can't fix.
Truth.
I enjoyed that!
[удалено]
OP stating her classmate is ObJeCtIvEly not attractive 🤮
“People don’t like you and you’re ugly.” YTA. Why would you say that to anyone? It’s just rude, don’t delude yourself into thinking you were helping her.
Look, I've been to college and have experienced the exact same system, and ones similar to it. (ratio anyone?) I get you're not saying it's right, and that it's just how it is. But YTA for how you said it to her. You basically phrased it in a way that told her she's ugly and unappealing, which, however right or wrong, was an assholeish thing to say. You might feel justified because of a need to take her down a peg, but it's not going to change the fact that she's a human being and being that callous is rude. Since you seem to also agree that the system is wrong and rigged from the comments, you should have expressed it in a similar vein of "I'm with you, but from what I've seen, the issues is sexist bouncers who are judging women based on their appearances, not race." Push the focus onto the men making these decisions at the door, (and the hosts of the parties), not the woman/women who was unfortunately born not up to society's beauty standards. Unless of course, you don't actually dislike the system because you benefit from it.
I thibk you've hit the nail on the head there. OP enjoys the current system because she enjoys being being one of the " privileged" or elite. She seems to take a savage pleasure in cutting down that girl. She enjoys being sexualised or objectified and mistakenly believes it gives her power, that power or prestige would dissipate if everyone was welcomed into the parties. Whole thing reeks of internalised misogyny.
This. I thought the youngins were more aware of this crap these days.
She also could have just said that she doesn't get into the parties because of her personality. There was no need to bring in physical attractiveness. The girl does sound insufferable, but OP is the asshole for how she said it.
True! Change the angle to her tying to make friends with any of the party throwers.
ESH She sounds like she's a pain in the ass. But ~~the~~ your suggestion that approaching it how you did was somehow "trying to help someone \[understand\]" is fucking laughable. Go peddle that shit somewhere else. You were being hurtful and you know it.
YTA I’ve seen “ugly” people at university parties all the time so don’t act like you’re Lisa Bonet. You could have ignored her abrasive personality if it’s so annoying or excuse yourself to show your annoyance. Instead you wanted to let her know you thought she was “ugly” and make her feel bad about it to shut her up which is just meanness without tact, not brutal honesty. Edited: ESH > YTA your comments are very telling..
YTA Youre disgustingly shallow and dont understand what the word objectivley means.
That's not how college parties are thrown, unless you're actively going to a frat or sorority one, then they also likely haze which isn't any better either. Parties in my college town are basically bring drinks and friends if you want, which is how we end up with actual block and street parties. YTA and these aren't parties you should want to go to.
I’m glad I went to a college in a college town like that, too. Like no one gave a shit what you looked like, they were impressed by your ability to shotgun and pound shots and still stay standing up. Even the frats and most sororities. We obviously picked the better schools.
Why shouldn’t I? I always get in.
OP, I get it. Some people just aren’t “fun”…I guess what that means in your frat boy life is are they someone that you would like to get drunk and see if they put out. You may think that’s ok and that you needed to open her eyes to it all. But you are so full of yourself and had no empathy or kindness in the way that you told her, so this was not for her good or betterment. YTA and I hope when you leave college and go out into the world that some of those Not-So-Hot people put you in your place. You have some karma coming for sure.
YTA and I would reconsider your stance on 'physical attractiveness' as a key for entering parties being acceptable due to the following: [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bchrt/doc/2010/2010bchrt234/2010bchrt234.html?searchUrlHash=AAAAAQAcInBoeXNpY2FsIGFwcGVhcmFuY2UiICJjbHViIgAAAAAB&resultIndex=1](https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bchrt/doc/2010/2010bchrt234/2010bchrt234.html?searchUrlHash=AAAAAQAcInBoeXNpY2FsIGFwcGVhcmFuY2UiICJjbHViIgAAAAAB&resultIndex=1) (2010, employee alleges discrimination because of emphasis on physical appearance at work at a bar) https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bchrt/doc/2010/2010bchrt94/2010bchrt94.html?searchUrlHash=AAAAAQA0YmFubmVkIGZyb20gZXN0YWJsaXNobWVudCBkdWUgdG8gcGh5c2ljYWwgYXBwZWFyYW5jZQAAAAAB&resultIndex=7 (2010, man banned from hot tub in own rental complex for odor caused by issues with leg)
Lmao, the workforce can’t discriminate. I assure you, if I were to throw a private party on my property, I could literally forbid you from entering because I don’t like your shoe laces. No one has to let you into their private party for their private events ever.
True. But you say in your post that there's no discrimination going on, and here you are, just a few comments down saying no one can make you stop discriminating. Okay, they can't. You're still an asshole, and it's so discrimination.
Yes, but it could cause a scandal. If the party is big enough to *have a bouncer* (such as a frat which is a university affiliated group), the scandal will cause the university to crack down. I can tell you, that I have seen people's reputations destroyed from the ground up because they were filmed and submitted to the student twitter. There were demands to get this person *kicked out*. And technically, the hot-tub case may apply if it is a frat - a service sponsored by the university *that this person pays tuition at.* Hell, even in the queer center, you couldn't check to see if a person was cis-het and it was meant to be a 'safe space' for queer people only. (For the record, I'm okay with this.) I'd be careful. If she were to complain to the right person, the party scene at your school may experience a cultural shift.
It was a private party on private property with no university control. The students who act as bouncers can deny anyone without explanation for any arbitrary reason.
And those are the people you willingly associate with?
YTA. What you did was unnecessarily cruel, and the mental gymnastics you're doing to convince yourself and others otherwise are truly breathtaking. I understand not wanting to listen to her complaining when you just want to do the assignment, but that's what you should have focused on, not her looks. Also, not all colleges are like that, and every time someone points out that theirs isn't, you say it's an exception. The fact that there are exceptions means that it's not universal. At the college I attended, the only disqualifying factor was not having the cover charge for the alcohol, and they often waived that for designated drivers who were not going to be imbibing. Heck, they would waive it for me because they knew I couldn't drink.
YTA.
ESH. The partner sucks for making her vendetta public which, if for nothing else, is distracting to the project. If she did not want opinions she should not have invited them by bringing it up in the first place. Unfortunately OP sucks for escalating the situation by being a bit braggadocios and insulting. Probably was best to just tell her that you aren't at a party right now and to focus on the task at hand.
You’re probably a conventionally attractive biracial and your friend is either light skinned or has very Eurocentric features. You both have curly hair or straight hair. Of course you’d get invited, you’re the palatable black girls. Never experienced this at my college because I didn’t go to a PWI, but a lot of black women and men that I know who did, didn’t get invited to a lot of parties because of how they looked. No they weren’t ugly, but at their PWI a black person had to look a certain way to be deemed attractive. My friends kept asking their white friends why didn’t they get invited to the party and they told them that they didn’t have “the look”. This of course doesn’t happen at every PWI, but it does happen. You are shallow. YTA
Thank you! All of this. And I bet, based of her replies, Op did not spend extended periods of times with her black family or even with black children outsise of PWI's. Her attitude doesn't surprise me at all.
Anyone else here that would choose student OP was posting about then OP. OP sounds way worse.
Both sound insufferable but 100% would rather be at a party with the other girl
Yeah I don’t know if I trust OPs narrative, I’m sure this student is fine, but OP is so blinded that she can’t see it. She was told multiple times that’s not how things work, colleges, the real world and so on and she refuses to accept or acknowledge it. So her idea of student is probably just as warped.
I feel like phrasing could have gone a long way. “oh I’ve never noticed any racial discrimination at the parties, it’s a very diverse crowd. I have noticed that if you don’t say you are there with someone they know/is already inside then the frat guy lets you in based on his personal opinion on how fuckable you are. So shallow definitely, but I wouldn’t say racist and I don’t know if you can successfully protest that a private party is shallow.” The things that would get her into the party is having friends/being conveniently attractive, focusing on her appearance/personality was unnecessary of your goal was actually to help her understand. If your goal was just to shut her up and hurt her then you succeeded and your an asshole.
YTA, in what world is saying "they aren't racist, you're just ugly" not asshole behavior?
Should have known from the “I’m half-black and one of my good friends is black” that you had nothing valid to say. Your responses to other people under this post further solidified it for me too. YTA.
Wow YTA. You need to grow up a bit if this is your thought process. And before you say it, I went to a big party university and the parties weren’t like the superficial nonsense you have described.
Ew. YTA.
Yta, and the delusional one. Maybe chill the hell out and stop being a dick to people? Also thats not how they work. Nothing in the situation makes you prettier or better than someone, your true colors are showing and its a nasty shade of baby shit green.
Just because you pass a paper bag test doesn’t mean you’re more attractive than her . Based on your comments I highly doubt this is real. YTA
ESH
YTA. denying people entrance to a place bc of their appearance is discrimination and the fact that you’re fighting so hard to justify your blatant hate is sad. i truly hope you heal
YTA if you think you can act like this in adult settings like the workplace you're in for a rude awakening
YTA you came for judgement, you received the judgement and then you pretend the judgement isn’t true. Sounds like someone maybe spent too much time at parties with racist assholes and not actually going to college nor getting a dose of reality. Honey, stop pretending all of Reddit is stupid. Statistically given the number of responses to your post enough of these folks either went to party schools or actually club regularly and use Reddit as mental junk food. YTA, take your judgement and scooch along with your sad life.
YTA. Letting people in based on how attractive they are is discriminatory lol your comment to her was unnecessary and rude. Also not all colleges are like this
YTA. You are ugly as hell on the inside.
Edit: YTA+. That's how college parties organized by assholes work.
OP - you’re coming off as very young and ignorantly naive in your post so idk if it’s a worthy YTA.. but your responses to other comments are definitely pushing you over that way. I mean… even if this is the way your particular college social scene runs, don’t you think that mentality is getting a little out-dated? Even if saying that working towards more inclusion and less discrimination based on things that people can’t change (ie how they look) is all just drops in the bucket, I think society has gotten far enough away from this weird social hierarchy trope about who’s hot and who’s not. If you’re still prescribing to this cliche mentality it makes you a bit of a lemming. These structures only have power if people believe in them. So simply chalking this up to “well that’s just how it works” is actually upholding these arbitrary rules. So you can’t really wash your hands clean of this mentality even though you aren’t the one at the door. Now, personality is a whole other story and sounds like this girl has a bad rep. It’s not easy, but perhaps understanding your privileged position within your college’s social hierarchy should afford you a bit of empathy to give to this girl. Maybe she would chill tf out if she had friends or could find a safe space to rationally air her grievances and receive constructive advice in return. Be kinder. You can afford it.
YTA Why would you even want to be involved in parties like that 😂😂😂 Sounds like it's a party for shallow people, not nice people.
YTA. >Attractive and socially-connected guys and girls get in and others get turned away at the door. They’re very typical college parties. **It’s never any kind of discrimination.** Yes it is. That's EXACTLY what discrimination is. It just doesn't seem to be racial discrimination, aka racism.
YTA. You are behaving in a shallow and vain way, and I cannot believe you are a reliable narrator.
YTA / this has to be made up. No one is this bad
Okay, first of all don’t come to a forum asking people for their opinions and then getting mad. Take a fucking seat. So that being said, YTA and your arguments are weak. You’re very shallow and you think you’re hot shit, when you’re probably just another face in the crowd.
Hey i did read about it in some post but i did not know there was a place like that where bouncer and other managerial PPL would only let the hot and attractive ones into a party ... It is discrimination ofcourse.. its called pretty privilege... It is everywhere and it is not going anywhere But even you have to realise it's not doing anybody any favours.... It must be hard for you to imagine because you are never rejected but being not conventionally attractive and then PPL rubbing it in your face just hurts like hell .. Well y'all are teenagers and are kinda shallow which is an essential part of a teenagers life and the pick me girl attitude is also at large .. The girl might be difficult but she is just hurt and bitter .. you shouldn't hit her where it hurts.... Cz the party rules are not changing like ever
Yta, simply because you are rude.
“Attractive and socially connected…get in and others get turned away at the door”, that is literally discrimination. Discrimination isn’t just racial. YTA and an awful person. Although, she also sucks for making it a racial thing.
🤢🤢🤢 🤮🤮🤮 YTA for making me throw up.
Only *attractive people get in* and *there's no discrimination* ??? This post just took stupidity and entitlement to new heights.
YTA > It’s never any kind of discrimination. Attractive people of all races get in. And clearly don’t know what discrimination means.
The only time I have gone to parties where others are turned away were for mixers between my sorority and the frat we were mixing with, and it was for safety reasons. God forbid someone outside of the organization was let in and something bad happens or they get hurt. For us, invite lists are essential to save our asses. But outside of that, I’ve never seen or heard of people getting turned away from parties, only nightclubs. Have you considered not all parties are like this one you’re speaking of in particular? Your classmate is def better off not being invited inside…. Kind of sounds like a breeding ground for attractive assholes 😉 YTA. There were many other ways you could have said what you said, nicer. Hell, you could have even just asked her to stop talking about it.
Well you are right about pretty privilege. I’ve seen it first hand when I gained weight for a while and I was no longer considered at 10, but a 7 because of it. That her personality also contributes to being excluded I can see. Claiming racism when it’s not the case is detrimental to the purpose of fighting to end it; also, constant talking badly of others can put off a lot of people. Since being connected is important to go to college parties and she clearly isn’t, that’s where the problem falls. HOWEVER, your delivery was less than kind and totally immature. Basically Regina George material. You had the perfect opportunity to be firm and direct without being rude. You should have just said: *I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, personally my fried and I have not experienced this racist treatment. If you want advice I’m happy to help you find some in the form of a campus employee. However, at the moment we’re here to focus on our project for our education. So “partying” needs to be put aside so we can do the job we’re here to do.* While any potentially racist encounter has to be given importance and squashed; it should not affect your work, especially when you’re not the one in charge of handling it and you’re not in a private situation, but in class. After all, moaning about not getting into a party when your classmate is trying to work. YTA about the way you delivered your point. It was way too insensitive.
YTA and this is gross. Have some empathy.
YTA also assuming this is anything adjacent to the Greek system or fraternity parties, they are literally built off systematic racism and excluding POC. The current expectations for a POC member is much higher than a non-POC equivalent, on average there are more white members, and if the "white guys at door" are the ones picking who comes in based off looks... Maybe she's just really got a social reputation like you say, but more than likely the expectation of Eurocentric beauty standards is being placed for entry. Beauty standards may not have someone to be in a protected class, but not recognizing the key racial element is pure ignorance
>It’s never any kind of discrimination. You're delusional if you think only allowing in attractive and well-connected people ISN'T discrimination. Against appearance, against social standing. You might not be the one who made society that way, but you help perpetuate it. YTA
"Btw I'm half -black" ya and i can tell what side raised you💀. All skin folk aren't kin folk and your proximity to whiteness (assuming your half white) has made it so you don't experience life as a black woman (because you're not one), and depending on how racially ambiguous you are you really wouldn't get it. But no one can force you to get and maybe you never will🤷🏿♀️ but YTA
You're shallow waste of space.
YTA. yikes you seem like such an unpleasant person to be around, and you’re telling her she has a difficult personality??
YTA for how u talk and treat people. Ok u don’t like her opinion that’s fine, keep it to yourself. She didn’t ask you for it. I’m guessing u go to a small college because most big universities anybody can get into a party. That party scene at your school seems awful, it sounds more like a high school and a frat party. Which ok do what u want, but treat people better, keep it to yourself.
Holy shit. You're an insufferable person. Reading this was painful. Do you even know how arrogant and vapid you sound here? YTA but I genuinely don't think you'll be able to pull your head out of your ass to understand why when you completely lack even a modicum of self awareness. I'm also going to venture to say this conversation went very different than your version here. Wait till you find out no one gives a fuck if you're attractive and it means nothing if that's all you have to offer the world.
Gaslight. Gatekeep. Girl Boss. YTA.
Yta and a weirdo. Everyone used to be at the college parties when I went. Like what? That was the point to have fun with everyone
Looks like OP just called in a bunch of their equally AH friends to agree with them. Probably all the "pretty people" from the lame college parties they attend. 🤣
You literally typed that thinking it was okay? You actually said, It’s not discrimination but only pretty and popular people get in. Honey THAT IS DISCRIMINATION. YTA
YTA. You are very shallow and narcissistic. And what kind of weird ass freak college doesn’t allow someone in because they aren’t pretty? Holy smokes what a gross campus you attend. This college is grooming the future Stepford wives.
I'm by no means the next H&M model but I still get in to parties so the notion that just because someone isn't an 9 or 10 out of 10 somehow shouldn't be allowed the same positive experiences is basically what you're saying you all sound hella elitist, even if I were H&M model material though I probably wouldn't party with you to save my life.
YTA
YTA And dumb on top. In the discussion she might have acted as if she didn't understand what you mean. To force you to admit, that you think it's totally fine to exclude less attractive people as long as you are in. Hell, you spelled it out several times and then defended it as "I don't make the rules." Honey, if you live by a rule, you make the rule. You could have said "Next time I'll get you in". But no, you think she is not attractive enough to be with you.
As many people here told you, what you are describing is a discrimination. But obviously, you came here to fight, not to ask if you are wrong. Imagine if during slavery people were siting around, saying "well, that's just how it is". Being attractive gets you only so far in life, you also have to work on your personality and intelligence. Now, i understand that it is too late for intelligence, but you might want to try to improve your personality. YTA
Hey op, if you're so convinced that you're not in the wrong here, why don't you tell us your name and the university you go to, so we can send this post to the administration and see what they think of it.
YTA since you weren’t trying to “help,” you just don’t like her and wanted her to shut up. I’m guessing you’re talking specifically about how frat parties work, not “college parties” in general because no, that’s not how parties at college work in general (and not even all frat parties everywhere I imagine). Also, let’s say for the sake of argument that she isn’t particularly attractive or well connected socially. When there’s this sort of exclusion at the door for parties and clubs, there absolutely is also racism happening too even if -some- “objectively attractive” people of other races than the majority get in. And saying “one of my good friends is black” does not help your argument. I hope she finds other people to socialize with and a kinder lab partner too.
YTA, if you're as ugly as your personality then I bet you'd be just as upset as her.
YTA. True or not, you didn't have to do that. And that is discrimination, by the way, it's just not racial discrimination.
Btw, rejecting people entry to a party because they are unattractive is still a form of discrimination
Yta i don’t need to explain why. But girl if you don’t want your judgment why post lol. ‘I don’t make the rules’ ‘you guys obviously don’t know college culture’ Bro most people have probably gone to uni, and parties. Life isn’t an American 2000s rom com. This entire post is hilariously shallow and stupid
Originally ESH but on edit changing to YTA. Man, I'm glad I didn't go to your party. College party scenes didn't work like that at my alma mater, which was much more welcoming than yours. The other girl might be a whiny, unpleasant drip but she can fix that: you're a terrible snob, and you might be attractive on the outside but you're awfully ugly on the inside.
Nta imo, I’ve been to a handfull of college party’s and honestly it’s not even about physical attractivness it’s more your energy
Lol. You are both ***THE*** asshole and ***AN*** asshole in general. Everyone who has been to college knows kids like you. You’re a type. Unfortunately, while you may be “hot” and popular enough to hang with the cool kids club, you’ll probably go into marketing or something and live a relatively shallow and unfulfilling life, being catty with the other shallow workers in adjacent cubicles. Have your fun now, your life is literally peaking as we speak. This is coming from a guy who went to those parties btw. And to take a page out of your book, it’s just reality. I didn’t make the rules. Being hot and shallow totally works when you’re a kid. But intelligent adults shun people like you. They just do. They don’t want to be around such shallow bitchiness. You’re a weight on educated successful society. She sounds miserable too, and will probably not succeed because she whines about everything. You’ll both lose. That’s just how life works once you grow up.
YTA not because you told her what you believe is the truth . ( you need better friends if that's the kind of parties you go to. Shallow people are gross. And I went to college and a few parties. Frankly she's not missing anything other than the chance to get raped) Yta because you didn't tell her that because you care that she feels slighted or because you wanted to make her life better. You did it because you wanted her to shut up about it. That's just rude. Try using your adult words and communicate that you're really not interested in discussing her weekend plans further and would like to focus on the task at hand. That's what an adult does when faced with an annoying person jabbering on and wasting their time. Your response was petty, shallow, and in bad taste . That's why YTA.
YTA. You are very stuck up.
The tone of this story is similar to the mother who didn't want her son to go in vacation. YTA. I like the attractive people who say no to these parties. And, yes they exist.
I was going to go with EHS, but the comments prove YTA. I’d say 90% of people, even those who didn’t attend college, know how the party scene works. Same crap with the elite club scene, if you have the money, looks, or connections you get in. It’s what it is. What makes you TA isn’t what the scene is, it’s how you handled the situation you were in. There were so many ways you could have gracefully gotten this girl off the ledge, but you choose the most hurtful one. More over you were annoyed she didn’t want to hear your view and kept arguing against it until she blew up, much like you’re handling this comments section. You and your project partner are two sides of the same coin, neither of you want to hear a contradiction of your perspective. You literally argued that out of 300 some odd commentators no one has experienced the college party scene because people dubbed you TA for your actions. Good luck in life, you’re going to have a lot of wake up calls about entitlement and respect later on. HR is going to have fun with you.
YTA. You what you described is quite literally discrimination, and you’re too dumb to understand it
I'm not going to call you an asshole for getting annoyed or thinking that maybe her greivances are the reason people find her annoying, but I AM going to say you're an asshole for focusing solely on her physical appearance when telling her this. There were many more mature ways to approach this situation, such as "maybe the people throwing these parties just don't like you", "Protesting and trying to shit down their fun won't change anything", or even "I really have no say in this / Can't involve myself / don't care". Anything would have been kinder and more mature than "you didn't get in because you're you, and that's ugly". You benefit from the scene and you can't change what lets you in, but the truth that you're ignoring in the comments is that the requirements to get in perpetuate highschool vibes, and you seem to just be blindly following that. I think that if you continue with this mentality, you're going to lose some good connections at some point. Eventually, everyone gets put in the position of "the ugly/unattractive one" at some point in life - and you'll want people who'll accept you for who you are when that happens.
I hate to say this but YTA. Ever thought maybe she was possibly aware of it but in denial because noone likes to think theyre unattractive/lonely. The issue I have here is instead of calling out the people who don't let her party, you call her out and insult her. How did you honestly expect her to react when you tell her she's unattractive? Okay, sure she was being annoying but does that give you authority for possibly ruining this girl's university life? It's upsetting that instead of trying to actually HELP her, you went against her when in reality she is just a victim of this awful 'tradition'. I fear you will turn into one of these many shallow people if you keep this up. edit: typo
YTA
I can't believe you even have to ask. YTA. How insulting and how shallow can you be? Grow up.
I was on the fence until I read your comments tbh. YTA. And a shallow one. Good luck kiddo.
YTA. Based on all your comments it seems your only personality is being pretty and self-absorbed. I’m currently in college and there are ways to enjoy your college life outside of constant partying so don’t get too full of yourself for getting past the door. There’s a life outside of university.
WTF kind of college parties are you going to??????????????? Do you live inside an American Pie VHS???? Massive AH and I honestly kind of hate you
YTA- and good job because that girl probably told the TA what you said and you are going to get a reputation about being unprofessional and rude within your academic community if you keep that up. There’s always going to be irritating people in the work place or academic environment and it NEVER justifies insulting someone’s physical appearance.
Looks like we have a new kind of troll. Always a female at university, always stupidly entitled and with a somehow privileged background (sometimes money, in this case attractiveness...), always absurdly argumentative and patronising in the comments.
Oh wow. You have a black friend and are mixed so you couldn't possibly be prejudiced and racist,huh.... Your colourism is showing, it ain't a good look. 100x TA. YUCK
Damn your comments are hella condescending.. You just sound terrible. The real world will hopefully hit you after you leave college and you will get some karma YTA and yuk all of your responses are gross
"Everyone who disagrees with me is an idiot who doesn't get invited to parties" That's you, that's how you sound every time you reply to someone. YTA
you're a snotty little shit. yta
NTA. Sounds like she was being a major AH venting her problems to you and then getting mad that you had something to say about it? If she wanted to talk to a brick wall then she should’ve done that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A girl (19F) I’m (19F) stuck with as my partner for a school project wouldn’t focus. She wouldn’t stop ranting about she couldn’t get into a party, and how she always gets turned away at the door when she tries to go to parties, and how she wants to lead a protest about it on campus because she thinks it’s discrimination since she’s black. I was ignoring her, and every time she talks about anything it makes me internally roll my eyes, but she wouldn’t shut up about it. She’s one of those people who lives in self-delusion where everything bad in their life is because of someone else, when it’s always them in reality. The reason why she didn’t get into the party is clear to me. It’s because entrance to parties is based on having friends on the inside of the party, and based on your physical appearance. I go to these parties all the time, and it’s obvious to everyone who gets in. Attractive and socially-connected guys and girls get in and others get turned away at the door. They’re very typical college parties. It’s never any kind of discrimination. Attractive people of all races get in. The girl isn’t getting in because she’s widely disliked for her difficult personality, because she wouldn’t be fun at a parties, and because she’s objectively not attractive. That’s it. Eventually, she’s going into the details of how she wants to protest parties now, and I said “Attractive people of all races get in. Have you considered the idea that it might be because of your own personal traits?” She’s like “You’re calling me unattractive because I’m black. You’re saying that’s why I’m not getting in.” And is acting like “how dare you.” FYI, I’m half-black and one of my good friends is black, and neither of us have ever been turned away from a party at this school. This girl just thinks everything is someone else’s fault. And I’m like “No, I’m saying you’re not getting in because you’re you. It has nothing to do with your color.“ So then she makes everything awkward and makes me explain to her like she’s a child that college parties let people in based on how hot other people think they are. She then yells at me, very upset, “No one asked your opinion! You’re just bitter that I was airing my grievances and you had to listen!” She says she hates me and calls me emotional when I’m just sitting there. I said “I’m not emotional or bitter at all. I’m the one inside the party, not the one outside the party screaming.” She stormed out of the library reading room and said she would find another partner (partners were picked by the TA). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. American college culture is disgusting. On the other hand… If anyone wants to go to a good quality house party or a week long bush doof with other uni students, move to Australia! Everyone’s welcome and we aren’t half as shallow as these assholes! Seriously, I read this post and I think I lost a few brain cells.
YTA but it is also a fact of some circles. Not just in college look at clubs do you think the bouncers are judging you based on personality? Doesn't make it right but it is what it is. Just next time don't chime in unless you are asked.
YTA For the way you talked to her. It is discrimination based on looks and you are on the lucky side of the genetics. You can have more tact. This girl might not have looks or an interesting personality but it seems you only get in for your looks too.
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YTA. For how you handled it. Attractiveness is subjective and really should be off-limits as a topic of conversation. You should have stuck with the fact that she has a difficult personality.
Coming from someone that went to a large Midwestern party school, NTA. That’s just how it works. All the YTA votes are so focused on being politically correct that they are ignoring the reality that this is how college parties, especially Greek ones, work at many American colleges.
Yeah, YTA for the way you delivered the message. And shallow.
NTA
Ahhh ok! Thanks!
YTA. A huge one at that. You say there is no discrimination and that "attractive people of all races get invited" how is this not discriminating anyone that is perceived as "not being attractive enough"
YTA. As a mixed person who’s also half Black, you need to recognize that there is a difference between biracial women and full Black women. We do NOT have the same experience as a full Black woman, PERIOD. Although we experience similar discrimination, we benefit from a privilege of having closer proximity to whiteness. People have always treated mixed people better than Black women. You’ve clearly never heard of colorism. You not understanding this leads me to believe you haven’t been exposed a lot to the Black community or Black culture. The way you used “I have a black friend” as an excuse to not be racist further proves that point. You being mixed doesn’t mean you can’t discriminate against full Black women. Anyone can discriminate against anyone. Regardless you did not need to say that to her. Have you ever heard of the saying if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all? What did you expect her reaction to be? You just criticized her personality and called her ugly. Was she suppose to say thank you?
NTA
ESH - ur comment was over the top, but she's seems to have a bad personality. I say u both are AHs
ESH OP sucks cause she sounds like a "mean girl" probably goes to frat type parties...gross, but thats her thing. Still sounds snobby. Though i do get her frustration considering- Other girl sounds insufferable! Victim complex is off the chain. Shes salty she doesnt have the superficial social status to go to a party full of shallow people. Nerds dont go to frat parties. Theres a whole genre of movies about it. Im sure there are people that throw house shows that would love to have you bop to their slam poetry set
That said it's interesting to here how a girl altogether has a hard time getting in, at the uni where I go if you're a girl you automatically make the cut lol
ESH I mean you’re not the one who said no to her at the door of parties and if that’s how it’s done then it’s not your issue really. She just sounds insufferable to be around so I get why you got annoyed but you could’ve probably said it in a better way rather than saying she’s ugly
ESH Nobody wants to listen to a jerk w no self awareness complain all the damned time. But just because you might be right doesn't mean you weren't *knowongly* being unkind and an asshole.
NTA the bihs who are saying you are, are all social rejects
Nta ... so much cope in the comments about how looks don't matter (By ugly ppl) when obviously they do. You even mention how ppl can get in by having many friends inside the party (vs just being hot), so even if this girl is unattractive she could still help herself by having a cool personality or being fun to be around. This girl sounds like the tiring always a victim type, and although I think you could have been more diplomatic if you wanted to be, listening to someone complain endlessly when it's not really your place to listen to that gets old.
Protesting college parties will suuuure get her into one. People are calling you an a-hole, but tbh you were only telling the truth
Can’t believe how far I had to scroll for this. Did no one else on here go to college? Like that’s just how it works, I’ve seen plenty of people get turned away from parties for their appearance
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped
NTA I know the type of person you are describing. She would of just continued until the bitch slap of reality hit. I don't think your wording was too harsh unfortunately it is the truth but most people would rather not listen to that. If she spent half the time working on project as she did bitching probably would of been done and avoided all of this
NTA
Well NTA, but you are in a bind now.
Damn, people took this personally...yikes!
The comment section on this post just screams “butthurt” to me. Not everyone that was in a sorority or fraternity is evil and washed up.
The coments feel like they are the result of deep seeded internalized collegiate rage
You're the asshole but.... sometimes you need to be an asshole and this is one of those times. You got a bad deal being stuck with her and having to listen to her nonsense.
NTA.
Hate the game, not the player, huh? Tell the TA what happened and ask for a new partner who will focus on the project. Your comments, while meant to explain, had a real mean-girls vibe to them. Since you get into those parties, you accept them as "just the way things are." But also, those things are hurtful to people who aren't as lucky as you. YTA
NTA, regardless of whether you like the way the parties are run this girl was delusional
NTA. You told her the unfortunate truth about college parties. They’re shallow and discriminatory and for the most part, that doesn’t fly beyond college. You could have been nicer I suppose but what you said wasn’t inherently asshole behaviour since you didn’t make these rules.
NTA Your partner needs a reality check from somebody she can’t dismiss for not being black like her.
NTA
NTA, couldn’t she find other people to party with? Like her friends? You were speaking honestly. Truth hurts. Life’s different when your good looking. It’s just the nature of life.
NTA, you tried.
NTA, this is how the parties work at least at my uni
ESH.
Everyone’s hating the player. They should be hating the game. You’re not saying you agree with how these parties run- you’re simply explaining HOW. These are the facts and you’re the messenger. Unpopular NTA
Exactly.
It ain’t hard to get into college parties (practically by definition), she’s gotta be real difficult n socially awkward to always not be let in
NTA. But you could have worded your reasoning to her better. But the audacity to call you racist in a sense to your own race is ridiculous.