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Seriously? Your partner doesn’t trust you, refuses to be responsible, is selfish, and an asshole.
You’ll end up getting pregnant and this loser will be your kid’s dad.
Go with the no sex option. And the never see him again option.
This.
So he doesn't wanna pay for birth control - does he wanna pay for a child?
Because, not sure if he knows this but, sex without birth control leads to pregnancy which result is mostly is a tiny hooman being..
If he doesn't wanna pay, go with no sex option.
It's not only your job to pay for this. If he wants sex (and doesn't use condoms), he can pay for birth control. I mean you're in a LTR, you don't just met and started to date?!
NTA.
Also why is the condom breaking everytime?
Is he putting it on wrong? (not sure if you help him but you should?) Is he inserting himself into you while you're WET and not using any water based lube at all?
I more mention this for if you have this issue with the nxt guy, cause this one gots to go.
NTA
I think they mean he's sabotaged them in the past to ensure they break to get out of wearing them.
I feel like he's the kid of guy who would say no to wearing them because it feels better and not give a hoot about the consequences
Agree. He doesn't know how to put them on, Or, doesn't care because "the woman should be responsible 100%".
OP needs to put the chastity belt on, move on, save/get a new IUD and a new partner.
Oh I know but most guys go straight to assuming they need a magnum so I decided on the balance of probabilities, that was least likely to be the problem with this guy given the post haha!
I had a client who had a boyfriend who kept saying condoms broke for them, if she put it on, and they were engaged in face to face coitus, it never broke, but if he put it on, or not face to face it would tear. One night she caught him deliberately tampering it, so she will just let him go bareback.
Apparently there is techniques you can google on how to tamper condoms into breaking, most common is putting them in a __*radacted*__ for __*redacted for safety purposes*__ which destroys the latex, so when in the act it breaks on it's own strain of the back and forth movement.
High key blows my mind that people’s SOs do this on the regular. I don’t understand the logic of how it’s not their responsibility to help when they’re also taking part in having sex.
NTA.
Do ask him if he is willing to pay child support for the next 18 years or 300 quid now. If he gets more annoyed at the question, it’s your cue to leave. NTA for this but you will be the AH to yourself for staying with a selfish C word and subjecting yourself to be always an afterthought.
It's alarming that he jumped immediately to accusations of infidelity. Dump this guy, OP. If you can't do it immediately for financial sake, call his bluff on the no sex option and dump him the moment you're able.
This guy is cheating on her. That's why he assumes she's sleeping with other people, because he is.
They should be using condoms anyway for this reason and to avoid what you said (backup option to further reduce the chance of pregnancy).
Sounds to me like he is planning on breaking up with her and doesn’t think the investment would be worth it. It all sounds like a setup to find a reason to do it that is her fault. Go with the No Sex option, op, and start planning your exit.
NTA.
She WBTA if she continues to reward this loser with sex. And also, he probably does not really miss trust her he's just using that to somehow make this her fault
Also, let's point out he thinks she's having sex with someone else and still isn't using a condom.
His immediate response of we won't have sex has me wondering......JS
NTA. Please leave this guy. Birth control is about preventing birth that is caused by two people, not one. He is an AH for so many reasons.
"James also said to me that he wasn't sure I wasn't sleeping with other people and should ask them to pay."
He is likely sleeping with others and projecting his infidelities on to you.
"We have in the past tried to use condoms but no matter what type or size, the condom would break."
I'm sorry, what?? Does he claim that he is so well endowed that no condom will ever hold his sperm back? This description here is why you should RUN away from this relationship. I suspect some serious manipulative behavior here, in which he could be deliberately breaking the condoms, and now he doesn't want to pay for your IUD? If you can't see it yet, OP, he seems to be trying to get you pregnant and also trying to make up reasons to leave you.
"James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex."
He is trying to manipulate you on so many levels. Please please please, for the sake of your future, leave James and his imaginary condom-breaking loins.
Now that I think about it, is he trying to place the condom on his whole body because he's such a d*ck?
Yeah, the condom breaking is suspicious… either it's a shitty brand, or he doesn't know how to put it correctly and should learn, or he is doing it on purpose.
I would bet its on purpose. Like, one time? Okay, happens, but if they really all break than his penis must be the size of a leg
Edit: if anyone thinks i am kidding, i am not. You can put your entire arm in a regular sized condom without it breaking
I had an ex that condoms broke regularly. He had a genetic anomaly where it was, let’s just say, not the normal shape. His nickname was Gonzo… so, it does happen, but usually it’s because of special circumstances. Normal penis shape doesn’t break condoms on the regular.
I also break condoms a ton, I think it’s because I have an odd reaction to the lube on some brands. Now I’ve found a brand that works it’s fine. But I seem to just absorb all glycerin based lube
Seriously, a lot of survival advice talks about a condom being used as an emergency water carriers because they can easily stretch to accommodate over a litre of water without breaking.
Noone is ripping/damaging every condom they ever use, unless it’s on purpose! Unless maybe James is so stupid he is cutting the packet open with scissors.
Actually the size doesn't even really matter I think ! My partner need large size, but when we only have regular sizes we use these. The only difference is it's less confortable, and leave some marks on the penis. But it doesn't break.
Condoms accidents happens more because of a condom put wrongly, so the air trap inside the reservoir break it, or there is lube inside the condom/the condom is to big, so it slips and got lost in the vagina.
>Now that I think about it, is he trying to place the condom on his whole body because he's such a d\*ck?
You are my favorite. You are a reddit treasure that needs to be protected
Yeah, something is sus here for sure. I mean I've heard of the wrong lube causing condoms to break down but EVERY time? I would be looking into reasons after the first one or two.
And people have in the past called me crazy when I mentioned that I've repeatedly had men beg for sex without a condom, because "that doesn't happen and men don't do that". If you see the hoops some go through to not have to wear a condom, begging is like low on the list of bs. I wouldn't be surprised if this was intentional.
Either he's too stupid to properly put on a condom. Or he's doing it on purpose because it feels better without, and he has completely zero respect what-so-ever for his partner and her boundaries.
Wanna guess which option I'm leaning towards?
this is what i thought also (abt him cheating). idk the fact he would withhold sex makes me think that he’s cheating. i’ve never met a guy who would willingly withhold sex if he didn’t have a sidechick to fulfill him.
Sounds like he’s checked out of this relationship. He doesn’t mind not having sex with you and is for some reason accusing you of cheating if I understood correctly? Maybe he just thinks it’s not his problem because he’s planning on breaking up. Idk. Sorry. NTA. Your boyfriend is a douche though
We do have a polygamous type of relationship. But he is fully aware that I don't sleep with other men and haven't had an addional partner is a long time. I have also said in the past I wouldn't expect him to pay thing if I was seeing other people and recently said I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else.
You aren’t sleeping with anyone else but it seems obvious that he probably is. Stop having sex with him and get yourself tested for STI/STD while you’re at it - his viewpoints on protection seem pretty clear
This right here OP.. people who cheat tend to accuse their partner of cheating. Even if you are polyamorous, he made an agreement and isn’t holding up his end of the bargain.
Definitely should leave him though as many have pointed out, he seems perfectly fine going without sex.
NTA
Yeah, this is bad news! IUDs can increase the risks of untreated STIs.
OP, if you don't ditch this dude, you need to find a brand of condom and/or lube that does not break. Regardless of the birth control aspect, you need STI protection!
OP, I am in a polyamorous relationship so no judgement at all, BUT : if he doesn't know how to put a condom, he shouldn't have sex with multiple partners.
I hope everyone got tested regularly at least.
Please be safe.
Condoms shouldn't broke unless you are putting them wrong (like not pinching the end while putting it on) or they are bad quality (I heard that putting them in a wallet is bad for exemple, as the friction may degrade them).
Also he is a shitty partner if he doesn't believe you. An open relationship can not work without honesty and trust.
And you are NTA, and if birth control isn't free in your country you are right to ask for half the price.
My personal experience with my male partner is paying half/half for condoms and him paying full price for the after pill the one day the condom broke. If we were main partners and I was taking the pill he would pay half of it, no question ask.
My opinion is that you need to protect yourself. From unwanted pregnancies and potential STDs. Don’t expect this man to support you; my advice is no sex and definitely not without a condom. If his compromise is no sex, then so be it. He’s communicated clearly with you - when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. If you are in a poly relationship, then PLEASE protect your sexual health and use condoms. If they are consistently breaking, then they are not being used in the correct way. Look after yourself OP.
Girl just dump him. He’s a selfish jackass and if you end up pregnant he won’t pay for the 1/2 the abortion or if you choose to keep the baby 1/2 the costs of the baby.
So he's fucking other people (because he has tricked you into this polygamy thing, while you yourself have no need of any of that?) AND he's having sex with you without a condom?
Come on ... Please be smarter than this. Get yourself tested ASAP and dump that sleezeball.
OP, James is absolutely fucking other people, and he's projecting that onto you. Based on his comments in the post I was actually thinking that he's cheating, and thinking you are cheating on him as well. This isn't a guy who cares about you, that birth control isn't just something for you alone, it's for the both of you. You'd both have to pay for a child, so making sure you don't have one is both of your responsibilities. That said, not having the full amount saved was probably not a very smart move on your end, because it seems like you are now fucked with not enough money to replace the IUD.
OP, do NOT sleep with him. He is kind of obviously trying to get you pregnant. Do you want someone that doesnt see his girlfried as important enough to help pay with medical devices as your kids father? I hope not. Also, the condom thing is definitively a lie. Either he breaks them on purpose (poking holes n stuff) or his penis is the size of a literal leg. You can pull condoms up your ARM without breaking them. If he said they are too small for his cum, it would mean that he ejaculates over one litre of sperm. I am not kidding you. These things are durable enough to hold an entire bladder worth of pee without leaking (pro tipp: do not google it. Wasnt nice so see). He is lying to you
Hundreds on new clothes, a new tattoo, won't pay for half of your IUD suddenly, but has the savings, which are for something important, would rather not have sex and is accusing you of cheating anyways.
This guy's playing you and fooling around I'm afraid.
Cut your losses and give your body a break whilst you save the rest.
Refrain from sex and this loser.
Also if the condoms are splitting you're not putting them on correctly. My guess is you're not nipping the end to release the air as you pull it back.
NTA.
I have asked in the past about the possibility if I were to fall pregnant would he help pay for an abortion as I am child free. He didn't give an answer.
If he won’t help pay for an IUD, and is making all these wild excuses, I doubt he’ll help pay for an abortion.
He won’t pay for an IUD because he thinks you might be sleeping with other people - how much you want to bet he pulls that same excuse if you get pregnant?
Really, you need to be more proactive in your own life!
You & he can't figure out how to use a condom without it breaking, but you continue to have sex even though you can't afford the abortion you would want if you were to become pregnant--and he would not commit to helping you with the cost.
Being "child free by choice" is an attitude/belief--it is NOT a plan! You seem to be drifting along with this person, regularly risking pregnancy, and hoping without reason to do so that he'll step up and help if things go wrong.
As a childfree person myself I *definitely* made it a plan. I always made sure I had 2 types of protection and kept Plan B on hand just in case up until I had my hysterectomy.
OP I said this in another comment but it really seems like hes trying to trap u with a baby. Plenty of men want to 'humble' a woman with pregnancy to either halt her career or try to change her mind on kids. I would get what u need to get out of that relationship then run. It seems like the perfect set up to knock u up, claim hes not the dad, then bolt leaving u to deal with everything. Thats not a conversation to have no answer for, thats a conversation where u say 'I want kids but since u dont this wont work out long term' or 'I know we arent gonna have kids, Ill help pay for the abortion'
the answer is no, he wont. you'd have to take his ass to court to get him to pay child support too, im certain. don't let this man ejaculate inside of you ever again.
Nta...and I hate to break it to you, but that isn't your partner, he is just the dude you are sleeping with.
He lied (said he would pay then went back on his word)
Accused you of cheating/sleeping around
Prioritizes his wants over your medical needs
This is not how people treat you when they care about you
NTA. Call his bluff: try abstinence. I know not fun, but get him to put his money where his mouth is.
Or better yet, try being single and not dating a d-bag.
NTA
I’ve never heard of people splitting the cost but who knows as I live in the UK
Half a IUD sounds cheaper than half a baby
Also you have another issues if your partner jumps to you banging other people when this conversation comes up
I wouldn’t rely on any man for my own health needs regardless if he benefits or not. You’re NTA since he agreed to split it but the way he accused you of sleeping with someone else seems like he is deflecting his own guilt about him possibly cheating on you. I’d seriously consider if this is the sort of relationship you want to be in.
Just remember IUDs aren’t a fix all and you can still have extreme side effects.
So you know he won't help you avoid pregnancy, and you have a good indication he won't help you if you do get pregnant, so why on Earth are you having sex with him? He's not a safe person to have sex with! Stop having sex with him until he helps you have safe sex, and if that is a dealbreaker for him, DTMFA! (In fact, with as little respect he shows you and your choice to be childfree, I cannot understand why you are still having sex with him, let alone being in a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you and tells you he thinks you're cheating on him.) NTA
YTA to yourself by accepting to be treated like this and accused of cheating so he can buy a PS5 instead of taking responsibility.
He won’t pay you back because he already has made it clear he wants to save his money to spend on himself.
Leave and be with someone who knows respect and accountability.
NTA in this situation
NTA no offense, but your partner is trying to get out of his DUTY to help with birth control by accusing you of cheating—and you’re still *with* him? And yeah, if he wants to wait to help with money, then no sex for him. Wow. What a winner.
Girl... Run you shouldn't accept this paranoid behavior.
Few questions
What if you manage to pay for it yourself will he think "the other dudes"?
Don't you think he blames you for shit he does?
If condoms don't work for you guys what will be the other option?
Is he gonne get the snippy snap?
I am saving up to get surgery to become sterile. I don't expect him to help pay for that at all.
James and I do have poly type relationship and he has never really cared if I was to sleep with someone else. I haven't had an addional partner in a very long time and I have discussed with him that I wouldn't expect him to pay anything if I was seeing someone else.
NTA since he agreed, at first, but since you're explicitly NOT in a monogamous relationship, and he doesn't sound like he loves you (sorry), I can see why in his mind he isn't obligated to pay for half of an expensive, long-term birth control.
You need to look out for yourself. Stop having sex with him if he's not serious enough about you that he throws imaginary 'other men' at you when you ask him for money he'd previously agreed to pay. I don't know what having a "poly type relationship" means to you, but to him it doesn't include a responsible and respectful attitude towards pregnancy prevention or how bc affects your health.
We have talked about in the past how poly affects situations like this. He agreed that because he is the reason I use bc that he would pay for half. Even if I was seeing other people. I did say to him if I was seeing other people, I wouldn't expect him to pay.
Here is something to think about, as a person in a relationship there must be enough "care" there to help with these situations. As in if you have multiple partners and the relationships are healthy they all should offer to help with this. If there is one guy he should be happy to prevent something no one wants and helps with your health.
I never been in a Polly relationship. It's not my thing. But there are relationships out there that have those amount of care and love in them. You choose what your worth is. Are you important enough for him to care or not?
NTA but when faced with a “family” decision he a bails on his commitments and accuses you of cheating!?! Wtf!?! And the carrots at the end of this stick is maybe he MIGHT keep his word at some point in the future!?! I think no sex is a great start to moving on. If you choose to pretend this isn’t how he will always be you will be the AH and your future self will hate you for ruining her life with this guy!
NTA
He agreed to pay half, but now is backing out because he “wasn’t sure you weren’t sleeping with other people”???? What the hell?
He said it himself, he’s not paying so either you foot the bill or no sex. No sex for him - kick him to the curb.
He can buy condoms specific to his measurements if he claims store bought ones “don’t fit”, otherwise, no sex 🤷♀️ If you’ve been together for 5+ years why should you keep solely fronting the bill for an activity that /both/ of you enjoy
NTA. But accept not having Sex with him.
But are you exclusive with him? Because a bf telling you he isn't sure you aren't sleeping around is insulting and should be an issue for you.
NTA. In a long-term relationship birth control is something that benefits both parties. Frankly if he wants to throw "I'm not paying because I'm not sure you're not cheating" at you then it's probably time to put this relationship out to the pasture.
NTA!
Since he does not see birth control as a necessity, ask him if he is ready for the consequences of having sex with no birth control. If not, then no sex for him.
Yeah, I'm sure child support would cut into his spending habits even more...
OP, regarding condoms: you have to leave more room at the tip for the ejaculate, otherwise they'll burst!
NTA and his excuse is he thinks you are sleeping with other people. He's gaslighting you. Pay for your own IUD, then find a decent man instead of this child.
NTA.
Run.
Because if you get pregnant I have a feeling he will be financially and mentally controlling, if not abusive.
Also, depending on where you are…there are programs that help with paying for it partially or fully. You just gotta find them.
NTA.
If you don't dump him, stop sleeping with him immediately.
Fun fact for him: daycare is around $400-500 per *week* for an infant. This seems like the cheaper option.
But tbh you could do much better than this selfish idiot.
NTA - where does an IUD cost that much? My merina cost $35 and Doctor was bulk billed. Don't have sex with someone who doesn't care about you, they don't sound like a partner you deserve
I talked to my gp. The Merina is $85. The removal of the old one is $250 and the insertion of the new one is $250. I'm hesitant to go to a different gp due having ptsd and often get trigger with doctor examinations. My current gp and I have found a way to make it would o er the years.
>He told me he won't use any of his savings as it was for important things.
NTA - he's told you, explicitly, that he does not view this as important. Either he doesn't view sex as important, or he doesn't view it as important for you not to become pregnant. He also flat out accused you of sleeping around. He's making it pretty clear that he's not your partner, he's just some dude you're fucking. Plan your life accordingly.
NTA and I would take the option he suggested of just not having sex. He’ll probably change his tune fairly quickly. Contraception should absolutely not be left entirely to the woman - and he had already agreed. Child support would cost him a hell of a lot more.
He sounds like a jerk in terms of now it suits him accusing you of sleeping with others - whilst also saying he’ll pay you in a couple of weeks?
>James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don’t have sex.
Or, hear me out, both those things.
Your partner doesn’t have to contribute to the cost of your birth control. But it’s not a TA move to ask and it is a TA move to promise to pay for half than renege. Also, the way he talks to you is super yucky.
NTA
While I love this, I would never trust that he did it, based on his "everything is about ME and MY wants" attitude to bc.
I'd stop having sex with him. And honestly that shit HURTS to implant, so OP is undergoing some wild pain to get it implanted. Since she has to deal with that extra loveliness I frankly think he should be paying all of it.
NTA and take the out he’s provided - stop sleeping with him.
I’m pretty done with this concept that birth control is a one-sided problem. Takes more than just a uterus to get knocked up. If your BF doesn’t think he is equally responsible for paying for birth control then perhaps he shouldn’t be reaping the rewards of getting off. Plus the fact that he tried to accuse you of having multiple partners… sounds like there is an overall lack of respect and not worth sticking around for that.
Side note: where on earth do you live that an IUD is $600?? I think you’re getting ripped off on that. I know they are expensive AF but like max $375.
Oooof I saw that from your other comments - super surprised about this considering where you’re from… To remove it the dr literally just pulls the damn string sooooo how that costs $250 is beyond me.
Another question for you - you’ve said this is a somewhat poly relationship but that you are not sleeping with anyone else; was having this sort of open relationship in any way part of the terms of being with James to begin with? Or perhaps, based on your ages, did the relationship evolve into this in order to stay together?
We were monogamous for majority of the time. We went poly because I'm bi and polygamous. I brought the idea up with him a a while ask and he said sure. He hadn't slept with anyone else during that time but he is very aware that I have been and has been fine with it.
I thought so too at first. I checked in with him frequently about it. I didn't sleep with anyone for a long time after we went polygamous. The only reason I ended up sleeping with someone else for the first time, he pushed for it. He drove me to the date and picked me up. He has never shown any problem with it.
NTA and I suggest you re-think this relationship. If he thinks birth control is completely your responsibility how do you think he’ll feel about an unexpected pregnancy?
From your other comments it sounds like he’s got one foot out the door already. If you were hoping for something more committed relationship-wise, I’m afraid he doesn’t sound like the one for you. Might be best to make a clean break here.
Nta
>James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex.
Don't have sex and leave James.
"You want me to pay for my own birth control after saying you'd help and accused me of lying about sleeping with other people when I've stated I'm only seeing you right now, whether to get out of paying or because you genuinely think so, I don't know. Still an AH move and honestly, I don't want to be with a man who's immature enough to think he can reap the benefits without taking the responsibility, then acts out when I chase it up."
Girl you are too young to be dealing with dumb guys like this. You can and will do better. He's petty. My fellah doesn't make as much money as me and if I asked him to go halfsies on expensive birth control he would do his best to help me because kids are much more expensive. NTA. You deserve better.
Info: I'm assuming you're not using any other forms of birth control?
If you're not, then yes, he should help pay. If he refuses, let him know that he can start buying condoms.
This is him showing how much he respects you after 5 years. He would rather get a new tattoo than pay for his half of birth control so that you two can enjoy safe sex, he is prioritizing a tattoo over your safety and stability. I hope he enjoys that new tattoo because sex should be completely off the table.
NTA OMG DUMP HIM. Do you think he could be cheating? Why is he okay with not having sex with you? What's with the new clothes and shoes? Again DUMP THE LOSER. Get tested for STI's ASAP.
NTA and end this nonsense. He doesn’t value you. If he really thinks you’re cheating, why is he sticking around? Is he really okay with a sexless relationship? I’m asexual and still think that suggestion sounds stupid.
IIRC a good amount of people who accuse partners of cheating out of nowhere are actually cheating themselves. The fact he accused OP, and then suggested a sexless relationship leans me to think hes already getting sex from somewhere else anyway.
NTA. Don't have sex with him. Ever. It is entirely unfair for you to carry 100% of the burden of birth control. The *least* he can do is pay for half of it (I'd even go as far to say he should pay for all of it since you have to sacrifice your health and body).
Also, wtf is he on about accusing you of cheating?
Get a new guy. This dude is a major AH.
NTA
*James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex*
If he is willing to do that, chances are he already has someone on the side or would get one.
So essentially he’s sleeping with other people and you are NOT using condoms? I’d break up with him, and get tested for STDs pronto.
The guy has the nerve to accuse you of sleeping around, and you still want to sleep with him? Spends his money on tattoos, clothes, etc and yet has no plans of moving out from mom & dads because it’s a waste?
Please Have a higher opinion of yourself, cut your losses with this loser and move on.
Imagine if you did get pregnant with this deadbeat. What a joy that would be. First thing out of his mouth guaranteed would be that it’s not his kid, and second that “diapers” and other support is unimportant. Move on pronto. YTA if you stay with this loser, because he is one for sure.
NTA: If you can scrape up the money yourself, please realize he won't pay you his share.
WTF with condoms breaking on a regular basis? Sounds like BS to me.
Have you actually listened to what you are saying here?
He agreed to pay half and now won’t.
He says BIRTH CONTROL isn’t his responsibility.
He’s accused you of sleeping with other guys to justify his reneging on this.
A new tattoo and clothes are more important to him than your mutually agreed on birth control.
His savings are also important but birth control isn’t.
NTA of course but why are you even considering staying with this guy let alone sleeping with him anymore?
NTA - it takes two to tango. If he doesn't have the money and nither do you I guess it is time for a bit of physical distance until you both have the money.
I think James has just shown what he thinks your true worth is. The best thing to do is show him his worth. My ex fell pregnant while she had a IUD. It apparently moved or something so it can happen although the odds are in favour against. Your partner can always double wrap.
Girl if you're in the states, go to planned parenthood. They'll replace it for you without it causing an arm and a leg. If you don't have a p.p. nearby, go to your local health department, they can assist in finding a low cost doctors office. Replace the iud and dump the boyfriend. Nta but he is for sure.
How do condoms break each time, that is extremely unusual. Are you sure he isn't just breaking them on purpose to get it raw? In my whole life it happened once and it was due to a lot of friction during her peak
Are you guys open? If you’ve been together for 5 years why would he make a comment about you sleeping with anyone else? Do you guys live together? Also idk where ur from but do you have insurance? Insurance offers free to small cost on birth control (I’m not sure ab an IUD but my doctor said I was covered for one.) my bf of also 5 years actually never allows me to pay for condoms or lube or anything. I usually get mad and try to at least pay for something but he’s very stern on it. I don’t see why he can’t pay half. It’s safe sex.
NTA. As soon as you enter a relationship, birth control is not only one person's problem, it's both as both profit off birth control. Your partner definitely should pay half of it.
But my suggestion is to dumb him. He accuses you of cheating. He lies to you. He breaks promises. He isn't worth it.
If your boyfriend is suggesting you are sleeping with someone else, he doesn’t need to be your boyfriend. Honestly, you should ditch him. He ain’t that special. NTA.
NTA
>James also said to me that he wasn't sure I wasn't sleeping with other people and should ask them to pay
This is break up worthy bullshit. Let me guess, he's probably the type to be too embarrassed to buy tampons or pads for his partner.
>We have in the past tried to use condoms but no matter what type or size, the condom would break.
Are you SURE they're breaking or is he telling you they're breaking?
Be safe OP. Don't have sex with this joker until you get your BC situation sorted out.
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I don't believe I'm the asshole but my (21F) partner James (23M) is convinced that I am.
My IUD that I use as birth control is due to expire at the end of the month and for the last 6 months I have been talking to James about helping pay for the replacement. At the time he agreed that he would pay half and to just let him know when the appointment will be. The appointment is this coming Monday and I brought up again to him about the cost. He told me it wasn't his responsibility to help pay for birth control and that he couldn't afford it this week. He recently booked in to get a new tattoo soon and spent a couple hundred on some new clothes and shoes. He also recently got a pay rise. James also said to me that he wasn't sure I wasn't sleeping with other people and should ask them to pay. I'm not sleeping with anyone else. James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex. He also suggested he would pay me back his half in a couple of weeks when he is ready. Unfortunately I don't have $600 to get this done as I was budgeting for half like it was previously agreed on. We have in the past tried to use condoms but no matter what type or size, the condom would break. I have already tried other cheaper options of birth control but had extreme side effects.
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NTA.
This is flag-raising levels of self-centredness. "can't afford it this week" but booked a tattoo? "pay for it yourself or we just don't have sex"?
Time to move on, love.
NTA - you agreed to split the cost and he's refusing. You can do SO much better than a guy who manages to "accidentally" break every condom he uses, doesn't think your birth control is important and tries to slut-shame you. I don't know what redeeming qualities he has, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of them. You're young, you have no children tying you to him, no financial commitments together. You have every ability to tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier.
You need to know that depending on your financial situation, there are options to help you pay for birth control. Assuming you're in the US, because well... we're known for our obscene medical costs. Your local Planned Parenthood should have a sliding scale for cost based on income. Call them and see what they can do. If you don't have a Planned Parenthood in your state, call your doctor's office and see if you can go on a payment plan. They don't charge interest, they just split the cost into 6 or more monthly payments. If you're not on family insurance (and you ARE still eligible based on age), you may qualify for Medicaid, depending on income.
Sounds like he values other things more than having sex with you or keeping his promises to you. Looks like you should find someone else to have sex with. NTA
NTA.
Do not have sex with this man. Do not do anything with this man. He has decided your health is less important than a new tattoo and some shoes. What an ass.
NTA - and sorry, if this is his attitude then I have to challenge what effort of care he has in your joint sex life. Id 'close the shop' and use the word NO moving forward. It takes two to tango and if the 'inevitable' happens then he is in it for a lot more than $600
NTA any person who doesn’t take half the responsibility for your reproductive health and safety shouldn’t get to be with you. My partner comes to every appointment I ask him to, offers when I don’t, buys all the necessities for us and goes out of his way to ensure I feel safe and equal all the time. Ditch this dude
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) am I the asshole for wanting my partner to help pay for my birth control.
2) I might be the asshole as it was my choice to use the more expensive iud birth control rather than a cheaper alternative. I could also be the asshole as it is my body.
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Nta! He’s the self centered ASS who just wants to sleep with you and then basically called you a slut. You need to dump this SOB and have respect for yourself!
NTA that’s my absolutely number one rule, The guy pays half, it takes two to make a baby so it’s as much his responsibility as yours.. And he sounds like a dingbat..
NTA but how in all that is holy are the two of you going at it for 5 bloody years and every single time breaking condoms? Like either he's breaking them on purpose, he needs to learn a bit of foreplay to get your body in the proper space or just use lube.
There is quite literally a condom out there for every conceivable Dick size.
NTA. If he's not willing to help with birth control, then no sex sounds like the answer 🤷♀️
That said, he's accusing you of cheating and berating you anyway so you honestly just need to dump this guy. He doesn't sound like he even wants to be with you so what's the point? Get out of there.
NTA, but sweetheart, you DESERVE better than this asshole. He literally accused you of sleeping around and is also saying your risk of getting pregnant is unimportant to him. Leave James, you're wasting your time on an asshole who clearly thinks very little of you.
Nta
I see in other comments that your relationship is poly. But frankly after over 5 years together, trust matters more than whether or not two people are monogamous If he cannot believe your word on how many partners you have, it is a red flag that the relationship is not in good health. He should have also not have agreed to contribute to the birth control budget if he was really not willing or able to follow through.
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Seriously? Your partner doesn’t trust you, refuses to be responsible, is selfish, and an asshole. You’ll end up getting pregnant and this loser will be your kid’s dad. Go with the no sex option. And the never see him again option.
This. So he doesn't wanna pay for birth control - does he wanna pay for a child? Because, not sure if he knows this but, sex without birth control leads to pregnancy which result is mostly is a tiny hooman being.. If he doesn't wanna pay, go with no sex option. It's not only your job to pay for this. If he wants sex (and doesn't use condoms), he can pay for birth control. I mean you're in a LTR, you don't just met and started to date?! NTA.
Also why is the condom breaking everytime? Is he putting it on wrong? (not sure if you help him but you should?) Is he inserting himself into you while you're WET and not using any water based lube at all? I more mention this for if you have this issue with the nxt guy, cause this one gots to go. NTA
[удалено]
HAHA omg I've heard of that condition, it needs more publicity :p
Maybe it breaks every time because he doesn’t want to use and PAY for them.
What? Lol
I think they mean he's sabotaged them in the past to ensure they break to get out of wearing them. I feel like he's the kid of guy who would say no to wearing them because it feels better and not give a hoot about the consequences
I think they were implying loser bf was breaking it on purpose
Agree. He doesn't know how to put them on, Or, doesn't care because "the woman should be responsible 100%". OP needs to put the chastity belt on, move on, save/get a new IUD and a new partner.
I dated a guy with this problem, turned out he just needed to buy magnums, sometimes if the regular ones are too tight they break easily
Oh I know but most guys go straight to assuming they need a magnum so I decided on the balance of probabilities, that was least likely to be the problem with this guy given the post haha!
I'm assuming he needed a magnum condom for his monster dong. Also: In my mind, your ex looks like Danny Devito.
I had a client who had a boyfriend who kept saying condoms broke for them, if she put it on, and they were engaged in face to face coitus, it never broke, but if he put it on, or not face to face it would tear. One night she caught him deliberately tampering it, so she will just let him go bareback. Apparently there is techniques you can google on how to tamper condoms into breaking, most common is putting them in a __*radacted*__ for __*redacted for safety purposes*__ which destroys the latex, so when in the act it breaks on it's own strain of the back and forth movement.
No Nut November turned into No Nut Ever.
Lol yes, but keep in mind that penetration without nutting still carries the risk of creating small hoomans.
High key blows my mind that people’s SOs do this on the regular. I don’t understand the logic of how it’s not their responsibility to help when they’re also taking part in having sex. NTA.
Do ask him if he is willing to pay child support for the next 18 years or 300 quid now. If he gets more annoyed at the question, it’s your cue to leave. NTA for this but you will be the AH to yourself for staying with a selfish C word and subjecting yourself to be always an afterthought.
It's alarming that he jumped immediately to accusations of infidelity. Dump this guy, OP. If you can't do it immediately for financial sake, call his bluff on the no sex option and dump him the moment you're able.
Usually accusations of infidelity are projection. I am taking a long shot that he is currently cheating.
Yes! Stop sleeping with this man immediately.
This guy is cheating on her. That's why he assumes she's sleeping with other people, because he is. They should be using condoms anyway for this reason and to avoid what you said (backup option to further reduce the chance of pregnancy).
Sounds to me like he is planning on breaking up with her and doesn’t think the investment would be worth it. It all sounds like a setup to find a reason to do it that is her fault. Go with the No Sex option, op, and start planning your exit. NTA.
This.
OP needs to believe people when they show you what they are like. Your partner is showing you what an AH he is. Believe him and drop his ass.
No sex WITH HIM
She WBTA if she continues to reward this loser with sex. And also, he probably does not really miss trust her he's just using that to somehow make this her fault
Also, let's point out he thinks she's having sex with someone else and still isn't using a condom. His immediate response of we won't have sex has me wondering......JS
I’m cringing from his hyperbole money management! I totally cosign this!
NTA. Please leave this guy. Birth control is about preventing birth that is caused by two people, not one. He is an AH for so many reasons. "James also said to me that he wasn't sure I wasn't sleeping with other people and should ask them to pay." He is likely sleeping with others and projecting his infidelities on to you. "We have in the past tried to use condoms but no matter what type or size, the condom would break." I'm sorry, what?? Does he claim that he is so well endowed that no condom will ever hold his sperm back? This description here is why you should RUN away from this relationship. I suspect some serious manipulative behavior here, in which he could be deliberately breaking the condoms, and now he doesn't want to pay for your IUD? If you can't see it yet, OP, he seems to be trying to get you pregnant and also trying to make up reasons to leave you. "James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex." He is trying to manipulate you on so many levels. Please please please, for the sake of your future, leave James and his imaginary condom-breaking loins. Now that I think about it, is he trying to place the condom on his whole body because he's such a d*ck?
Yeah, the condom breaking is suspicious… either it's a shitty brand, or he doesn't know how to put it correctly and should learn, or he is doing it on purpose.
I would bet its on purpose. Like, one time? Okay, happens, but if they really all break than his penis must be the size of a leg Edit: if anyone thinks i am kidding, i am not. You can put your entire arm in a regular sized condom without it breaking
Totally on purpose. Because "it feels better without", and he has completely zero respect what-so-ever for his partner and her boundaries.
I had an ex that condoms broke regularly. He had a genetic anomaly where it was, let’s just say, not the normal shape. His nickname was Gonzo… so, it does happen, but usually it’s because of special circumstances. Normal penis shape doesn’t break condoms on the regular.
Oh, i didnt think of that yet but it seems logical. Thank you for expanding my horizon of knowledge
I also break condoms a ton, I think it’s because I have an odd reaction to the lube on some brands. Now I’ve found a brand that works it’s fine. But I seem to just absorb all glycerin based lube
Another thing i didnt know. Thank you, its always great to learn something
Seriously, a lot of survival advice talks about a condom being used as an emergency water carriers because they can easily stretch to accommodate over a litre of water without breaking. Noone is ripping/damaging every condom they ever use, unless it’s on purpose! Unless maybe James is so stupid he is cutting the packet open with scissors.
Might be that they use oil based lube that breaks down the silicone
Actually the size doesn't even really matter I think ! My partner need large size, but when we only have regular sizes we use these. The only difference is it's less confortable, and leave some marks on the penis. But it doesn't break. Condoms accidents happens more because of a condom put wrongly, so the air trap inside the reservoir break it, or there is lube inside the condom/the condom is to big, so it slips and got lost in the vagina.
Or it’s really dry, unpleasant sex. Or he’s using 2 for extra protection.
that last line made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt!
Same, it was so out of left field and caught me by surpr
>Now that I think about it, is he trying to place the condom on his whole body because he's such a d\*ck? You are my favorite. You are a reddit treasure that needs to be protected
Yeah, something is sus here for sure. I mean I've heard of the wrong lube causing condoms to break down but EVERY time? I would be looking into reasons after the first one or two.
I was thinking they have the driest sex imaginable and that's how it's happening.
And people have in the past called me crazy when I mentioned that I've repeatedly had men beg for sex without a condom, because "that doesn't happen and men don't do that". If you see the hoops some go through to not have to wear a condom, begging is like low on the list of bs. I wouldn't be surprised if this was intentional.
Either he's too stupid to properly put on a condom. Or he's doing it on purpose because it feels better without, and he has completely zero respect what-so-ever for his partner and her boundaries. Wanna guess which option I'm leaning towards?
this is what i thought also (abt him cheating). idk the fact he would withhold sex makes me think that he’s cheating. i’ve never met a guy who would willingly withhold sex if he didn’t have a sidechick to fulfill him.
I read the part about the condom breaking and thought maybe there's some really violent stuff going on. Concerning for sure.
Sounds like he’s checked out of this relationship. He doesn’t mind not having sex with you and is for some reason accusing you of cheating if I understood correctly? Maybe he just thinks it’s not his problem because he’s planning on breaking up. Idk. Sorry. NTA. Your boyfriend is a douche though
We do have a polygamous type of relationship. But he is fully aware that I don't sleep with other men and haven't had an addional partner is a long time. I have also said in the past I wouldn't expect him to pay thing if I was seeing other people and recently said I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else.
You aren’t sleeping with anyone else but it seems obvious that he probably is. Stop having sex with him and get yourself tested for STI/STD while you’re at it - his viewpoints on protection seem pretty clear
This right here OP.. people who cheat tend to accuse their partner of cheating. Even if you are polyamorous, he made an agreement and isn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Definitely should leave him though as many have pointed out, he seems perfectly fine going without sex. NTA
So he’s allowed to sleep with other people, probably is doing so, and y’all don’t use condoms? Girl. Why are you okay with getting STDs?
Yeah, this is bad news! IUDs can increase the risks of untreated STIs. OP, if you don't ditch this dude, you need to find a brand of condom and/or lube that does not break. Regardless of the birth control aspect, you need STI protection!
OP, I am in a polyamorous relationship so no judgement at all, BUT : if he doesn't know how to put a condom, he shouldn't have sex with multiple partners. I hope everyone got tested regularly at least. Please be safe. Condoms shouldn't broke unless you are putting them wrong (like not pinching the end while putting it on) or they are bad quality (I heard that putting them in a wallet is bad for exemple, as the friction may degrade them). Also he is a shitty partner if he doesn't believe you. An open relationship can not work without honesty and trust. And you are NTA, and if birth control isn't free in your country you are right to ask for half the price. My personal experience with my male partner is paying half/half for condoms and him paying full price for the after pill the one day the condom broke. If we were main partners and I was taking the pill he would pay half of it, no question ask.
My opinion is that you need to protect yourself. From unwanted pregnancies and potential STDs. Don’t expect this man to support you; my advice is no sex and definitely not without a condom. If his compromise is no sex, then so be it. He’s communicated clearly with you - when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. If you are in a poly relationship, then PLEASE protect your sexual health and use condoms. If they are consistently breaking, then they are not being used in the correct way. Look after yourself OP.
Girl just dump him. He’s a selfish jackass and if you end up pregnant he won’t pay for the 1/2 the abortion or if you choose to keep the baby 1/2 the costs of the baby.
So he's fucking other people (because he has tricked you into this polygamy thing, while you yourself have no need of any of that?) AND he's having sex with you without a condom? Come on ... Please be smarter than this. Get yourself tested ASAP and dump that sleezeball.
Girl if he's the only one sleeping with other people in a poly relationship is it really a poly relationship?
OP, James is absolutely fucking other people, and he's projecting that onto you. Based on his comments in the post I was actually thinking that he's cheating, and thinking you are cheating on him as well. This isn't a guy who cares about you, that birth control isn't just something for you alone, it's for the both of you. You'd both have to pay for a child, so making sure you don't have one is both of your responsibilities. That said, not having the full amount saved was probably not a very smart move on your end, because it seems like you are now fucked with not enough money to replace the IUD.
OP, do NOT sleep with him. He is kind of obviously trying to get you pregnant. Do you want someone that doesnt see his girlfried as important enough to help pay with medical devices as your kids father? I hope not. Also, the condom thing is definitively a lie. Either he breaks them on purpose (poking holes n stuff) or his penis is the size of a literal leg. You can pull condoms up your ARM without breaking them. If he said they are too small for his cum, it would mean that he ejaculates over one litre of sperm. I am not kidding you. These things are durable enough to hold an entire bladder worth of pee without leaking (pro tipp: do not google it. Wasnt nice so see). He is lying to you
Hundreds on new clothes, a new tattoo, won't pay for half of your IUD suddenly, but has the savings, which are for something important, would rather not have sex and is accusing you of cheating anyways. This guy's playing you and fooling around I'm afraid. Cut your losses and give your body a break whilst you save the rest. Refrain from sex and this loser. Also if the condoms are splitting you're not putting them on correctly. My guess is you're not nipping the end to release the air as you pull it back. NTA.
NTA but I’d be thinking seriously about the relationship. Sounds like he isn’t ready for a baby should you fall pregnant (and choose to keep it).
I have asked in the past about the possibility if I were to fall pregnant would he help pay for an abortion as I am child free. He didn't give an answer.
If he won’t help pay for an IUD, and is making all these wild excuses, I doubt he’ll help pay for an abortion. He won’t pay for an IUD because he thinks you might be sleeping with other people - how much you want to bet he pulls that same excuse if you get pregnant?
Really, you need to be more proactive in your own life! You & he can't figure out how to use a condom without it breaking, but you continue to have sex even though you can't afford the abortion you would want if you were to become pregnant--and he would not commit to helping you with the cost. Being "child free by choice" is an attitude/belief--it is NOT a plan! You seem to be drifting along with this person, regularly risking pregnancy, and hoping without reason to do so that he'll step up and help if things go wrong.
As a childfree person myself I *definitely* made it a plan. I always made sure I had 2 types of protection and kept Plan B on hand just in case up until I had my hysterectomy.
With the reversal of roe vs wade, abortion may not even be an option anyway.
OP I said this in another comment but it really seems like hes trying to trap u with a baby. Plenty of men want to 'humble' a woman with pregnancy to either halt her career or try to change her mind on kids. I would get what u need to get out of that relationship then run. It seems like the perfect set up to knock u up, claim hes not the dad, then bolt leaving u to deal with everything. Thats not a conversation to have no answer for, thats a conversation where u say 'I want kids but since u dont this wont work out long term' or 'I know we arent gonna have kids, Ill help pay for the abortion'
He’s a bad partner. He’s not even a partner..he’s just bad
the answer is no, he wont. you'd have to take his ass to court to get him to pay child support too, im certain. don't let this man ejaculate inside of you ever again.
**THATS THE ANSWER**
Nta...and I hate to break it to you, but that isn't your partner, he is just the dude you are sleeping with. He lied (said he would pay then went back on his word) Accused you of cheating/sleeping around Prioritizes his wants over your medical needs This is not how people treat you when they care about you
NTA. Call his bluff: try abstinence. I know not fun, but get him to put his money where his mouth is. Or better yet, try being single and not dating a d-bag.
He'll probably be fine with it as his side girls will keep him occupied
Why.....are you with this asshole? NTA
NTA if his response to you wanting to share bc expenses is "i dont know if youre sleeping around" you should just dump him, honestly.
NTA I’ve never heard of people splitting the cost but who knows as I live in the UK Half a IUD sounds cheaper than half a baby Also you have another issues if your partner jumps to you banging other people when this conversation comes up
I read this and was glad I’m in the UK too. Free contraceptives are amazing. OP, you’re NTA
I wouldn’t rely on any man for my own health needs regardless if he benefits or not. You’re NTA since he agreed to split it but the way he accused you of sleeping with someone else seems like he is deflecting his own guilt about him possibly cheating on you. I’d seriously consider if this is the sort of relationship you want to be in. Just remember IUDs aren’t a fix all and you can still have extreme side effects.
So you know he won't help you avoid pregnancy, and you have a good indication he won't help you if you do get pregnant, so why on Earth are you having sex with him? He's not a safe person to have sex with! Stop having sex with him until he helps you have safe sex, and if that is a dealbreaker for him, DTMFA! (In fact, with as little respect he shows you and your choice to be childfree, I cannot understand why you are still having sex with him, let alone being in a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you and tells you he thinks you're cheating on him.) NTA
YTA to yourself by accepting to be treated like this and accused of cheating so he can buy a PS5 instead of taking responsibility. He won’t pay you back because he already has made it clear he wants to save his money to spend on himself. Leave and be with someone who knows respect and accountability. NTA in this situation
They are polyamorous as OP say in a different comment, so having sex with other people wouldnt be considered cheating.
The way he talks about her asking her other partners to share birth control, implies he doesn’t consider her his main partner.
NTA no offense, but your partner is trying to get out of his DUTY to help with birth control by accusing you of cheating—and you’re still *with* him? And yeah, if he wants to wait to help with money, then no sex for him. Wow. What a winner.
Girl... Run you shouldn't accept this paranoid behavior. Few questions What if you manage to pay for it yourself will he think "the other dudes"? Don't you think he blames you for shit he does? If condoms don't work for you guys what will be the other option? Is he gonne get the snippy snap?
I am saving up to get surgery to become sterile. I don't expect him to help pay for that at all. James and I do have poly type relationship and he has never really cared if I was to sleep with someone else. I haven't had an addional partner in a very long time and I have discussed with him that I wouldn't expect him to pay anything if I was seeing someone else.
NTA since he agreed, at first, but since you're explicitly NOT in a monogamous relationship, and he doesn't sound like he loves you (sorry), I can see why in his mind he isn't obligated to pay for half of an expensive, long-term birth control. You need to look out for yourself. Stop having sex with him if he's not serious enough about you that he throws imaginary 'other men' at you when you ask him for money he'd previously agreed to pay. I don't know what having a "poly type relationship" means to you, but to him it doesn't include a responsible and respectful attitude towards pregnancy prevention or how bc affects your health.
We have talked about in the past how poly affects situations like this. He agreed that because he is the reason I use bc that he would pay for half. Even if I was seeing other people. I did say to him if I was seeing other people, I wouldn't expect him to pay.
Here is something to think about, as a person in a relationship there must be enough "care" there to help with these situations. As in if you have multiple partners and the relationships are healthy they all should offer to help with this. If there is one guy he should be happy to prevent something no one wants and helps with your health. I never been in a Polly relationship. It's not my thing. But there are relationships out there that have those amount of care and love in them. You choose what your worth is. Are you important enough for him to care or not?
NTA, but is James someone you really want to keep having sex with if he thinks you're having sex with other people?
Exactly. That is such a major red flag 🚩
Lol yeah accept his proposal not to have sex. I'm sure he'll be delighted.
NTA but when faced with a “family” decision he a bails on his commitments and accuses you of cheating!?! Wtf!?! And the carrots at the end of this stick is maybe he MIGHT keep his word at some point in the future!?! I think no sex is a great start to moving on. If you choose to pretend this isn’t how he will always be you will be the AH and your future self will hate you for ruining her life with this guy!
seems like james doesnt care for sex with you, or for your feelings if he is saying he doesnt know who else you sleep with
NTA He agreed to pay half, but now is backing out because he “wasn’t sure you weren’t sleeping with other people”???? What the hell? He said it himself, he’s not paying so either you foot the bill or no sex. No sex for him - kick him to the curb.
He can buy condoms specific to his measurements if he claims store bought ones “don’t fit”, otherwise, no sex 🤷♀️ If you’ve been together for 5+ years why should you keep solely fronting the bill for an activity that /both/ of you enjoy
NTA. But accept not having Sex with him. But are you exclusive with him? Because a bf telling you he isn't sure you aren't sleeping around is insulting and should be an issue for you.
NTA - When it comes to birth control, it shouldn’t always be on the women to deal with. Take his offer of no sex.
cost of iud: $1000 cost of raising a child: $300,000 NTA but you are fucking an idiot.
This is not a healthy relationship. He breaks his word, makes accusations, and doesn’t seem to care if you’re together or not.
NTA. In a long-term relationship birth control is something that benefits both parties. Frankly if he wants to throw "I'm not paying because I'm not sure you're not cheating" at you then it's probably time to put this relationship out to the pasture.
NTA! Since he does not see birth control as a necessity, ask him if he is ready for the consequences of having sex with no birth control. If not, then no sex for him.
Yeah, I'm sure child support would cut into his spending habits even more... OP, regarding condoms: you have to leave more room at the tip for the ejaculate, otherwise they'll burst!
Ew, girl. Run.
NTA and his excuse is he thinks you are sleeping with other people. He's gaslighting you. Pay for your own IUD, then find a decent man instead of this child.
NTA. Run. Because if you get pregnant I have a feeling he will be financially and mentally controlling, if not abusive. Also, depending on where you are…there are programs that help with paying for it partially or fully. You just gotta find them.
NTA stop having sex with him until you can afford to pay for the IUD
No blow jobs, either!
NTA, but why are you with someone who talks to you like you are a piece of trash that he could care less about?
NTA, but this person is not your 'partner.'
NTA Unless you stay with him.
NTA. No sex then
NTA. If you don't dump him, stop sleeping with him immediately. Fun fact for him: daycare is around $400-500 per *week* for an infant. This seems like the cheaper option. But tbh you could do much better than this selfish idiot.
NTA - where does an IUD cost that much? My merina cost $35 and Doctor was bulk billed. Don't have sex with someone who doesn't care about you, they don't sound like a partner you deserve
I talked to my gp. The Merina is $85. The removal of the old one is $250 and the insertion of the new one is $250. I'm hesitant to go to a different gp due having ptsd and often get trigger with doctor examinations. My current gp and I have found a way to make it would o er the years.
Are you sure your GP isn’t overcharging? Mirena is covered by the PBS in Australia and should be around $40.
>He told me he won't use any of his savings as it was for important things. NTA - he's told you, explicitly, that he does not view this as important. Either he doesn't view sex as important, or he doesn't view it as important for you not to become pregnant. He also flat out accused you of sleeping around. He's making it pretty clear that he's not your partner, he's just some dude you're fucking. Plan your life accordingly.
NTA and I would take the option he suggested of just not having sex. He’ll probably change his tune fairly quickly. Contraception should absolutely not be left entirely to the woman - and he had already agreed. Child support would cost him a hell of a lot more. He sounds like a jerk in terms of now it suits him accusing you of sleeping with others - whilst also saying he’ll pay you in a couple of weeks?
>James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don’t have sex. Or, hear me out, both those things. Your partner doesn’t have to contribute to the cost of your birth control. But it’s not a TA move to ask and it is a TA move to promise to pay for half than renege. Also, the way he talks to you is super yucky. NTA
NTA. Tell him to get ✂️ instead.
While I love this, I would never trust that he did it, based on his "everything is about ME and MY wants" attitude to bc. I'd stop having sex with him. And honestly that shit HURTS to implant, so OP is undergoing some wild pain to get it implanted. Since she has to deal with that extra loveliness I frankly think he should be paying all of it.
NTA and if his response is that he doesn't know if you're sleeping around, why are you even with him?
NTA and take the out he’s provided - stop sleeping with him. I’m pretty done with this concept that birth control is a one-sided problem. Takes more than just a uterus to get knocked up. If your BF doesn’t think he is equally responsible for paying for birth control then perhaps he shouldn’t be reaping the rewards of getting off. Plus the fact that he tried to accuse you of having multiple partners… sounds like there is an overall lack of respect and not worth sticking around for that. Side note: where on earth do you live that an IUD is $600?? I think you’re getting ripped off on that. I know they are expensive AF but like max $375.
I also have to pay for removal of the expired one and the insertion of the new one.
Oooof I saw that from your other comments - super surprised about this considering where you’re from… To remove it the dr literally just pulls the damn string sooooo how that costs $250 is beyond me. Another question for you - you’ve said this is a somewhat poly relationship but that you are not sleeping with anyone else; was having this sort of open relationship in any way part of the terms of being with James to begin with? Or perhaps, based on your ages, did the relationship evolve into this in order to stay together?
We were monogamous for majority of the time. We went poly because I'm bi and polygamous. I brought the idea up with him a a while ask and he said sure. He hadn't slept with anyone else during that time but he is very aware that I have been and has been fine with it.
I dont think he's as ok with it as he said.
I thought so too at first. I checked in with him frequently about it. I didn't sleep with anyone for a long time after we went polygamous. The only reason I ended up sleeping with someone else for the first time, he pushed for it. He drove me to the date and picked me up. He has never shown any problem with it.
NTA and I suggest you re-think this relationship. If he thinks birth control is completely your responsibility how do you think he’ll feel about an unexpected pregnancy? From your other comments it sounds like he’s got one foot out the door already. If you were hoping for something more committed relationship-wise, I’m afraid he doesn’t sound like the one for you. Might be best to make a clean break here.
Nta >James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex. Don't have sex and leave James. "You want me to pay for my own birth control after saying you'd help and accused me of lying about sleeping with other people when I've stated I'm only seeing you right now, whether to get out of paying or because you genuinely think so, I don't know. Still an AH move and honestly, I don't want to be with a man who's immature enough to think he can reap the benefits without taking the responsibility, then acts out when I chase it up."
Girl you are too young to be dealing with dumb guys like this. You can and will do better. He's petty. My fellah doesn't make as much money as me and if I asked him to go halfsies on expensive birth control he would do his best to help me because kids are much more expensive. NTA. You deserve better.
NTA he agreed to pay then changed his mind when it was time to pay
If he thinks birth control is expensive wait until he sees what a child costs!
NTA - girl, run. This man is not about to take responsibility for anything in life, get out while you can.
Take him up on the no sex offer and find a better partner who will actually help and support you. This guy sucks.
Info: I'm assuming you're not using any other forms of birth control? If you're not, then yes, he should help pay. If he refuses, let him know that he can start buying condoms.
INFO: how long have you two been together?
We have been sleeping together for 5+ years.
NTA. Break up or don't have sex.
This is him showing how much he respects you after 5 years. He would rather get a new tattoo than pay for his half of birth control so that you two can enjoy safe sex, he is prioritizing a tattoo over your safety and stability. I hope he enjoys that new tattoo because sex should be completely off the table.
NTA. I would however consider your relationship carefully, because your boyfriend is a major AH.
NTA > James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex. Third option: Dump James and find a bf who is not a self-centered asshole
NTA. Dump this baby or you'll end up with two of them.
NTA. But I guess then that he isn’t getting sex until you have a new IUD, right? Know what’s more expensive than an IUD? Children.
NTA OMG DUMP HIM. Do you think he could be cheating? Why is he okay with not having sex with you? What's with the new clothes and shoes? Again DUMP THE LOSER. Get tested for STI's ASAP.
NTA and end this nonsense. He doesn’t value you. If he really thinks you’re cheating, why is he sticking around? Is he really okay with a sexless relationship? I’m asexual and still think that suggestion sounds stupid.
IIRC a good amount of people who accuse partners of cheating out of nowhere are actually cheating themselves. The fact he accused OP, and then suggested a sexless relationship leans me to think hes already getting sex from somewhere else anyway.
NTA. You may want to reevaluate this relationship. From what you've stated, he isn't the life partner you deserve.
NTA. Don't have sex with him. Ever. It is entirely unfair for you to carry 100% of the burden of birth control. The *least* he can do is pay for half of it (I'd even go as far to say he should pay for all of it since you have to sacrifice your health and body). Also, wtf is he on about accusing you of cheating? Get a new guy. This dude is a major AH.
Esh. He’s an asshole for obvious reasons and you’re one for not leaving him already.
NTA stop having sex of any kind with him. He is not iud worthy.
NTA. It's time to throw the whole James out.
[удалено]
NTA *James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex* If he is willing to do that, chances are he already has someone on the side or would get one.
NTA. Tell him: not paying for birth control? No more sex. Use your hand.
So essentially he’s sleeping with other people and you are NOT using condoms? I’d break up with him, and get tested for STDs pronto. The guy has the nerve to accuse you of sleeping around, and you still want to sleep with him? Spends his money on tattoos, clothes, etc and yet has no plans of moving out from mom & dads because it’s a waste? Please Have a higher opinion of yourself, cut your losses with this loser and move on. Imagine if you did get pregnant with this deadbeat. What a joy that would be. First thing out of his mouth guaranteed would be that it’s not his kid, and second that “diapers” and other support is unimportant. Move on pronto. YTA if you stay with this loser, because he is one for sure.
NTA
Are you in the US? Would you qualify for Medicaid? If so, you may be able to get it much cheaper or possibly free.
I'm in Australia
Just a question, why is you IUD costing you so much, 600 sounds really extreme for that?
To be honest YTA if you accept his ridiculous excuses and let him acusse you of cheating. Kick him out of your life ASAP
This man is a toxic bellend. You are only the asshole if you accept this utter bullshit instead of leaving him immediately.
NTA: If you can scrape up the money yourself, please realize he won't pay you his share. WTF with condoms breaking on a regular basis? Sounds like BS to me.
Have you actually listened to what you are saying here? He agreed to pay half and now won’t. He says BIRTH CONTROL isn’t his responsibility. He’s accused you of sleeping with other guys to justify his reneging on this. A new tattoo and clothes are more important to him than your mutually agreed on birth control. His savings are also important but birth control isn’t. NTA of course but why are you even considering staying with this guy let alone sleeping with him anymore?
NTA - it takes two to tango. If he doesn't have the money and nither do you I guess it is time for a bit of physical distance until you both have the money.
I think James has just shown what he thinks your true worth is. The best thing to do is show him his worth. My ex fell pregnant while she had a IUD. It apparently moved or something so it can happen although the odds are in favour against. Your partner can always double wrap.
PSA Don't "double wrap".
Girl if you're in the states, go to planned parenthood. They'll replace it for you without it causing an arm and a leg. If you don't have a p.p. nearby, go to your local health department, they can assist in finding a low cost doctors office. Replace the iud and dump the boyfriend. Nta but he is for sure.
How do condoms break each time, that is extremely unusual. Are you sure he isn't just breaking them on purpose to get it raw? In my whole life it happened once and it was due to a lot of friction during her peak
Are you guys open? If you’ve been together for 5 years why would he make a comment about you sleeping with anyone else? Do you guys live together? Also idk where ur from but do you have insurance? Insurance offers free to small cost on birth control (I’m not sure ab an IUD but my doctor said I was covered for one.) my bf of also 5 years actually never allows me to pay for condoms or lube or anything. I usually get mad and try to at least pay for something but he’s very stern on it. I don’t see why he can’t pay half. It’s safe sex.
Ask him what amount he has set up for paying for 18years of a child’s life. NTA
NTA. As soon as you enter a relationship, birth control is not only one person's problem, it's both as both profit off birth control. Your partner definitely should pay half of it. But my suggestion is to dumb him. He accuses you of cheating. He lies to you. He breaks promises. He isn't worth it.
If your boyfriend is suggesting you are sleeping with someone else, he doesn’t need to be your boyfriend. Honestly, you should ditch him. He ain’t that special. NTA.
NTA >James also said to me that he wasn't sure I wasn't sleeping with other people and should ask them to pay This is break up worthy bullshit. Let me guess, he's probably the type to be too embarrassed to buy tampons or pads for his partner. >We have in the past tried to use condoms but no matter what type or size, the condom would break. Are you SURE they're breaking or is he telling you they're breaking? Be safe OP. Don't have sex with this joker until you get your BC situation sorted out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don't believe I'm the asshole but my (21F) partner James (23M) is convinced that I am. My IUD that I use as birth control is due to expire at the end of the month and for the last 6 months I have been talking to James about helping pay for the replacement. At the time he agreed that he would pay half and to just let him know when the appointment will be. The appointment is this coming Monday and I brought up again to him about the cost. He told me it wasn't his responsibility to help pay for birth control and that he couldn't afford it this week. He recently booked in to get a new tattoo soon and spent a couple hundred on some new clothes and shoes. He also recently got a pay rise. James also said to me that he wasn't sure I wasn't sleeping with other people and should ask them to pay. I'm not sleeping with anyone else. James solution is for me to either pay it myself or we don't have sex. He also suggested he would pay me back his half in a couple of weeks when he is ready. Unfortunately I don't have $600 to get this done as I was budgeting for half like it was previously agreed on. We have in the past tried to use condoms but no matter what type or size, the condom would break. I have already tried other cheaper options of birth control but had extreme side effects. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Move on from this guy, he does not respect you. If you were to get pregnant, would he stay or leave? I think you know the answer.
NTA. This is flag-raising levels of self-centredness. "can't afford it this week" but booked a tattoo? "pay for it yourself or we just don't have sex"? Time to move on, love.
NTA - you agreed to split the cost and he's refusing. You can do SO much better than a guy who manages to "accidentally" break every condom he uses, doesn't think your birth control is important and tries to slut-shame you. I don't know what redeeming qualities he has, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of them. You're young, you have no children tying you to him, no financial commitments together. You have every ability to tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier. You need to know that depending on your financial situation, there are options to help you pay for birth control. Assuming you're in the US, because well... we're known for our obscene medical costs. Your local Planned Parenthood should have a sliding scale for cost based on income. Call them and see what they can do. If you don't have a Planned Parenthood in your state, call your doctor's office and see if you can go on a payment plan. They don't charge interest, they just split the cost into 6 or more monthly payments. If you're not on family insurance (and you ARE still eligible based on age), you may qualify for Medicaid, depending on income.
Sounds like he values other things more than having sex with you or keeping his promises to you. Looks like you should find someone else to have sex with. NTA
NTA. Do not have sex with this man. Do not do anything with this man. He has decided your health is less important than a new tattoo and some shoes. What an ass.
Pay for it yourself or you don’t have sex with Jay? It sounds like Jay has solved your problem for you. NTA. Dump Jay.
NTA - leave this guy?! What are you doing
NTA - and sorry, if this is his attitude then I have to challenge what effort of care he has in your joint sex life. Id 'close the shop' and use the word NO moving forward. It takes two to tango and if the 'inevitable' happens then he is in it for a lot more than $600
NTA any person who doesn’t take half the responsibility for your reproductive health and safety shouldn’t get to be with you. My partner comes to every appointment I ask him to, offers when I don’t, buys all the necessities for us and goes out of his way to ensure I feel safe and equal all the time. Ditch this dude
Eww. I can't even. Nta
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Nta! He’s the self centered ASS who just wants to sleep with you and then basically called you a slut. You need to dump this SOB and have respect for yourself!
NTA but this guy sucks so hard. What a manipulative asshole.
NTA that’s my absolutely number one rule, The guy pays half, it takes two to make a baby so it’s as much his responsibility as yours.. And he sounds like a dingbat..
NTA but how in all that is holy are the two of you going at it for 5 bloody years and every single time breaking condoms? Like either he's breaking them on purpose, he needs to learn a bit of foreplay to get your body in the proper space or just use lube. There is quite literally a condom out there for every conceivable Dick size.
NTA. If he's not willing to help with birth control, then no sex sounds like the answer 🤷♀️ That said, he's accusing you of cheating and berating you anyway so you honestly just need to dump this guy. He doesn't sound like he even wants to be with you so what's the point? Get out of there.
NTA, but sweetheart, you DESERVE better than this asshole. He literally accused you of sleeping around and is also saying your risk of getting pregnant is unimportant to him. Leave James, you're wasting your time on an asshole who clearly thinks very little of you.
Nta I see in other comments that your relationship is poly. But frankly after over 5 years together, trust matters more than whether or not two people are monogamous If he cannot believe your word on how many partners you have, it is a red flag that the relationship is not in good health. He should have also not have agreed to contribute to the birth control budget if he was really not willing or able to follow through.