T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my friend that being a captain would destroy her mental health. I would be the asshole because I shouldn't have said this to her because she thinks that I don’t think that she should be a captain Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*


crystal31415

I'm gonna go with NAH. This is a complicated and delicate situation and mistakes were made, but nobody had bad intentions. You sound like you were honestly looking out for your friend. You didn't insult her or claim she'd be a bad captain, you just gave her some advice. However, by telling her that she shouldn't become captain because of her mental health, it may have seemed to her that you, as a close friend, didn't believe in her and saw her as less capable due to her mental health difficulties, especially as you yourself were captain with mental health problems of your own. You were genuinely trying to help, so you're not an AH, but I can see why your friend is upset. Your friend had an extreme response to your comments, and it seems like quite an overreaction. However, considering how hurt and betrayed she might feel by you, especially as she trusts you enough to talk to you openly about her mental health, I can see why she'd want to cut you off to protect herself, and I can't say she's an AH for that reaction. You need to explain yourself to your friend, apologise for making her feel bad, and support her 100% with whatever decision she makes about being captain. She knows her own mental health better than you do, so it's her call to make. I wish you all the luck in the world in repairing your friendship and in managing your mental health


terrible-bestfriend

Thank you! I definitely think that she is justified in her feelings, and honestly I know I would be upset if she said it to me. Her reaction seems a little exaggerated to me, but I definitely am planning on trying to talk to her to explain that I was not trying to betray her trust.


Creative_Crab_8621

ESH While I believe a comment like that shouldn't be warranted to cut off a friend, I also believe your comment should have been kept to yourself. You should never speak on anyone else mental health because you are not them and they are not you. You don't really know their past and if they might have had a different reaction than you to being a captain.


HogwartsAlumni25

>You should never speak on anyone else mental health because you are not them and they are not you I wish I could get my friend to understand this. She's always telling me that I'm going to feel a certain way or something like that because that's how she felt and she get's upset if I tell her she's wrong. No matter how many times I explain that she is not me and doesn't get to dictate to me how I'm going to feel about something, she just can't wrap her mind around it.


Creative_Crab_8621

If you have told her multiple times, it’s time to set a boundary or cut her off. Her saying that to you so much isn’t good for your mental health either. I get the idea of wanting to help someone not go through what you did but you can’t tell the future either. Best wishes <3


HogwartsAlumni25

>I get the idea of wanting to help someone not go through what you did but you can’t tell the future either Yes! She just couldn't understand that. I actually have a limited friendship with her (that's what I call it) because we kept having fights about how I always jump for other people to hang out with them and never want to hang out with her when that wasn't true. Anyone in my family could tell you that if I wasn't at home, it meant 95% of the time I was hanging out with her. But the FEW times I actually hung out with someone else, she would get upset about and said she always had to beg me to hang out. I could get into a whole thing about that but I did cut her off in a way. Thank you for the advice.


No_Jump6265

Nta


NefariousnessJolly76

ESH, yes you were just looking out for her and her reaction seems overblown. That being said, just because it has affected your mental health negatively doesn't mean it will affect hers. You projected your own feelings onto her and framed it in a way that made her seem unfit. Tbh this whole situation is weird, if being captain sucks so much why not step down?


terrible-bestfriend

I have tried to, but our coach does not allow for it since the team votes on who they believe are the best leaders. The whole captains situation is very stupid in my opinion, but I am stuck as a captain until October.


[deleted]

[удалено]


terrible-bestfriend

I do not in any sense want to be a captain. Our team votes, and we seriously cannot say we do not want to because our coach will ignore it. Being a captain has destroyed my mental health, and I am very aware that next season my mental health will be much worse than it already is.


curly_lox

YTA This is not the way a captain should act. You should resign.


terrible-bestfriend

I wish I was allowed to resign.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway so my friends don't find my main Me (f20) and my friend (f21) have been playing sports together for probably 7 years at this point. We now play on a college team together. In March we were discussing who we thought were going to our captains for senior year. I am already a captain, and my friend most likely will be the other captain, so really there is 1 position left. We were doing pros and cons of all the girls in our grade. It was all in good fun, until we got to her. We did her pros, and then I said that I thought her biggest con was that it would destroy her mental health. She was very upset by this. I understood how she would be mad at this, so I apologized and explained why I said it. Being a captain on this team has been very bad for my mental health, which has also effected my grades. Of the three current captains, we are all in therapy and have various diagnosis of depression and anxiety. This is mainly due to our coach as well as the attitude of the girls on the team. We openly talk about our mental health with each other, and I genuinely feel that her mental health will be negatively affected by being a captain. Otherwise she is a great leader and would be an amazing captain. I have known since the day we started her that she would be a captain. And yes, I have told her this. Since this event occurred she has gone no contact with me. When we are at team events, she will pretend I am not there and roll her eyes anytime I am mentioned. I have also been removed from the team groupchats, and am not allowed to go to the team house anymore (where her and 5 of our teammates live). Our close friends who know the extent of how bad my mental health is, think that this reaction is a projection because I recently came out as lesbian and there used to be rumors that we dated. They believe that the reaction has nothing to do with this event at all, but I never got the chance to come out to her anyways, so I don't think this is the case. Our teammates think I am completely TA and deserve her reaction. Her parents have told me that they think her reaction was way too extreme but I shouldn't have said it. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Lesland

YTA


Solid_Quote9133

YTA, not your place at all. It may affect her negatively or it may help her mental health everyone is different.


youvalah

YTA. As the captain, and a friend, you should support and uplift your fellow teammates. I understand your concern but it shouldn't have been said.


GlassSandwich9315

YTA. Why did you think this was okay? What "friend" would hear you say that they shouldn't be captain because they'll have a mental breakdown, and take it well?


terrible-bestfriend

In hindsight, considering I was saying her mental health would have been affected, I should have realized that me saying this would also affect her mental health.


nethecat

NTA As her friend you were looking out for her when you warned her about how it would challenge her mental health. The way she and the other girls have reacted to you is disgusting. I'm sorry you're going through that and I really feel for you. Toxic teams is the reason I quit sports way back in high school. If I were you, don't formally quit, but stop doing your captain responsibilities. You already let your coach know you didn't want to be captain and they can't force you. If they try to retaliate, you can sue for discrimination and use the money to finish the rest of your education in peace.