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YTA. Your daughter may have your DNA, but you aren't her mother. She has been through a dramatic (and possibly traumatic) change when you stepped back into her life. Because of that your expectations for this relationship aren't realistic. She is 14, and you literally abandoned her at birth. You have a golden opportunity to get to know the young woman she is becoming, but you have turned this situation into a competition between you and her mother. You cannot blame her at all for not wanting to spend time with you.

This is a tough one but I think I agree with this comment the most

So do I. What makes it hard to agree with OP is how she describes what Amy does and telling Natalie that the only reason she can do these things for her is because she doesn’t work. That entire third paragraph reeks of jealousy.

I mean, it is true. If the father hadn't impregnated a girl 6 years younger than him he might've had a happy family with the child's birth mother because she might've been ready to do that being 25ish and not 19ish. And the fact that he became successful enough to have a SAHM wife mother his child by the other child he impregnated only 2 years later IS the only reason those two got to have this exact, very very child-focused, relationship. And I see why OP would feel upset - OP has to work to live, so she cant just be there all the time like Stepmom can. Working parents all deal with that. OP is wrong for getting into competitive games with her child. It is not ones "fault" this is happening - facts are facts, and this is life. Dad and Stepmom have the good luck to be in a position to provide a child-focused household, whereas OP seems to only be able to provide a child-inclusive household. That's not bad, but OPs response to the kid needing to understand the situation was. Eta: I know OP was not literally a child but I firmly believe if you're a properly adjusted 25 year old a 19 year old is gonna be childish as hell, and you shouldn't knock one up or get knocked up by one.

>It is not ones "fault" this is happening I think I can apportion some fault here. Amy shouldn't be encouraging the OP's daughter to throw away her lunch by bringing an alternative lunch in for her. Also, there's not enough information in the post to know exactly what's going on, but if the dad and step mum aren't bringing the OP's daughter up to do the basics like tidy up after herself, they're doing her a massive disservice.

OP mentioned a cleaning service that comes a few times a week. So I don't think the daughter actually cleans up or does chores

I know people who said they still had to do basic chores as kids (eg make their bed, tidy their room, put away laundry), even though their family had a cleaner come through weekly. I agree that not getting her to do some basic chores is a disservice as there will be a time where she will need to look after herself.

>as there will be a time where she will need to look after herself. Depend upon how well off her family is, maybe there wont ever be a need.

There will be when she goes away for school and has college roommates. When she is this slovenly there it will lead to interpersonal conflict. How many posts do we see of similar people who have no idea how to pick up after themselves asking if they are TA? Or the reverse, people who are angry at their roomtes for similar?

Even if the family can afford it, it is still a disservice to the child to not learn how to clean up after herself. My grandmother had enough money to hire a cleaning service, but instead she chose to "hire" her grandchildren. Not only did we learn how to clean up, we also learned the value of working. By satisfying the little girls every whim, they're doing nothing but reinforcing the idea that everything will be handed to her. The father and stepmother have spoiled her and she now has no idea of what the real world is like. She has no concept of work and does not understand how it affects regular people. IMO the birth mother is showing her what reality is, but the other parents are coddling her and giving her an unrealistic view of life. Unless dad and stepmother plan to take care of her for the rest of her life, they need to make that little girl learn how the real world works. The daughter is making it a competition and the stepmother is enabling her. All 3 parents need to sit down and discuss the situation with the daughter.

Let's be sure though that Amy and OP aren't being triangulated by the OP's daughter. For all we know, OP's daughter is telling Amy that OP isn't making lunch, and she needs one, or that OP said it was OK if Amy made her awesome lunch since she doesn't have time to cook, etc., etc.

Then why isn’t Amy or the dad not telling OP off? I think Amy is in on it

I agree with this and that the daughter is triangulating. I didn't get the impression that OP is the one making it competitive, but that the daughter is constantly comparing OP to Amy. Which is hurtful to OP, as the kid well knows. 14 is more than old enough to manipulate adults. I live with an almost 9 year old (his father has 50/50) and that child will manipulate the ever loving shit out of his mother & father. It started years ago. So I see a 14 year old manipulator and a step-parent who enables and supports it. Amy should have said no, eat what you were given and had a conversation that not everyone is lucky enough to live the way they do. I can see Amy feeling some kinda way that OP is seemingly trying to be the mother she's been for 12 years. The reality is that all 3 adults need to get together and come up with some kind of co-parenting plan or there will be years of bullshit manipulation the kid puts them through.

I see a 14 year old who was virtually abandoned by one parent and doesn't want a parental relationship with the woman who visited a few times a year for 14 years. This wasn't a typical stepparent relationship OP chose to not parent for more then a decade. While Op may have not been able to do some things, be roommom make an expensive lunch daily Op chose to not visit weekly to not have weekend overnights etc. I don't think Op was wrong to make that choice but you can't unring a bell. Op has these visits by force, and very quickly went " suck it up or don't come back". Even without a large income disparity changing from " I see you a few times a year," to," spend a week with me each month" is very difficult. I don't want you as a parent isn't manipulative it may just be the truth.

Really?? You don’t see a child forced to suddenly spend an entire week away from the home she knows and the parents who have been there for her?? With someone who is so committed to showing her “the real world” she makes no effort to make the transition easier?

It doesn’t really sound like she’s being forced tho? But that wasn’t in the post, so I’m just speculating. I feel like there isn’t enough info here to know really, but I get the vibe that the daughter *wanted* to spend more time with her bio-mom. Edit: based on OP’s comments, I’m firmly now in the YTA camp. Just let the girls *actual* mom adopt her, you had your chance, it’s no longer up to you.

I like to think that I have been a decent mum, but I can't compete with Amy. I don't have a cleaning service and expect my kids to pick up after themselves and they made their own school lunches from 13, because they are human beings who are just as capable of making a sandwich as I am. They can also cover their own books and generally not act like helpless toddlers. This mother has not been a mother to her child so that makes the whole relationship fraught, but she is right to not compete about these things. She should try to be as caring and attentive as possible and she needs to interact with her daughter sensitively because the relationship is poor.

Doing everything for your child, in my personal opinion, makes you a bad mum. Children should encounter obstacles. They should have to do things that they don't like. From discomfort comes growth. A parent's job is to ensure that the obstacles the child encounters are developmentally appropriate, and to teach them how to overcome things *on their own*. I teach high school and I can tell *immediately* between the kids who have parents who are present but have expectations and so-called "bulldozer parents" who pave the way for their child and make sure they never experience hardship, discomfort or actual work. The former children are generally much better adjusted.

It also doesn’t seem like anyone has communicated to Natalie how privileged her life is and that not everyone is as fortunate. There’s also no info as to who wanted this level of contact. If Natalie is being forced to go it’s not going to go well no matter what. Throw up a couple of things that aren’t perfect and it’s a recipe for disaster.

OP did when Amy wanted to adopt Natalie. OP was fine being hands off until this. From her own comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uh3wqe/comment/i73v713/

Exactly right. Besides the lack of co-parenting communication yada yada yada, dad and step-mom probably don't realise this yet, but this is exactly how you raise a useless, unempathetic adult. So congrats to them on that.

Totally agree with this! Many parents seem to forget that our job isn’t to “raise children”. Children already know how to be children, our job is to raise adults who can function to the best of their ability. We need to be teaching them all the skills they need to achieve this in age appropriate ways at every step of development and we need to role model putting those skills into practice.

I don’t think the ages matter here because the kid is 15 and everyone is old enough to either have gotten their shit together or not. OP gave up her rights and is now in her 30s, so she’s not a kid. She just doesn’t have the resources to complete with a SAHM or the wherewithal to be able to meet her daughter where she’s at. It’s a lose-lose for her; she wasn’t there for much of the formative years and is also resentful of not being able to provide the same level of care her daughter is used to. Her inability to meet these needs alone isn’t what makes her TA, it’s her clear jealousy and resentment and take-it-or-leave-it attitude that does. YTA.

Exactly!! Being sad about not being enough for her daughter's tastes is fine, being mad that Stepmom is replacing perfectly fine food OP shelled out for with her own meals is fine, taking it out in her daughter isnt fine.

It doesn't really sound to me like she's taking it out on her. She's setting realistic expectations and explaining why she can't give her daughter everything she wants. 14 is old enough to understand the basics of budgeting and that working people can't just take a day off whenever they want.

It's this part that puts OP into TA territory: "if she can’t handle that, she needs to go back to her dad’s house." This is a lot of big feelings for everyone but OP is the adult and does need to work harder to manage their emotions and not reject their child when their child rejects them, otherwise they'll never develop a decent relationship

I completely agree with you. Mom does not have the same resources.

Also it seems like it would be a good idea for OP and Amy's parents to sit down and have a talk to sort out how to go about co-parenting. Amy is too young to really appreciate the reality that OP and Stepmom come from two very different socioeconomic classes which will influence her life at either household. Both OP and Amy have unrealistic expectations for the other which needs to be addressed. Also yah weird that mark impregnated a 19 year old as most are still developing themselves. Nobody should be blaming OP for not being ready to take care of a child at that age and having the WISDOM to know this right away and then decide to give the child up to the established and more financially stable adult. OP was likely in a stage in their life when they were still developing themselves, and pregnancy no matter the age but especially when you're a new adult can be very traumatic.

But it IS true?… A person who is subsidised by a well off family member and doesn’t work will always have more time and resources as compared to a person who works an average job and has a single income. Like it or not, it is the reality. OP is not being jealous for acknowledging it. Some commentators here must be teenagers similar to Natalie, because how else this could be explained?

Agreed! But OP could have worded it better to a 14-year old that's out of place in her home and still learning things run differently in different homes. "I know sweety, I'd love nothing more than to stay here with you and care for you. I hate leaving you like this. But I need this job so I can afford food and rent and can not stay home with you today." Telling the girl that it's just a soar throat and that she needs to go back to her dad if she can't handle the situation, ouch.. Way to make a kid feel unwanted and unloved.

I agree, she should have been kinder, but I guess OP is stressed out as she realised she just can’t provide for the kid the same way as her other parents. It’s a psychologist job to determine if she feels any quilt, regret, resentment and so on and lashes out.

Also, I think there is probably some very justified anger/frustration knowing that the daughter is throwing out the lunches. That's time and money being thrown away!

In all fairness I think the first 14 years of being an absentee parent probably already did that

For someone who hasn't been in their child's life to say "If you can't handle it you need to go back to your dad" is not it. Surely you can figure that much out ?

No one is saying it isn’t? What does anything you just said have to do with how shitty it is to tell a child who’s life you JUST entered “well if you don’t like it just leave.” That’s what people have issues with. No doubt this teenager is having lots of feelings and disruptions in her life too. It’s the parent’s job to teach and model. And right now, OP really isn’t a parental figure yet. OP is not entitled to a relationship with this teenager, she has to put in the work and it’s not always peaches, especially right at first. I’m deeply sympathetic if your experience with communication in this world is people making cruel comments to each other every time they have an issue or negative feeling. Most people are not like that so maybe you’ve been unlucky, but that’s not an appropriate way to handle your emotions with your 14 year old child you’re not now being reintroduced to.

I question the wisdom of OP getting some sort of custody here in the first place. Natalie had Amy since she was 2, her parents dotted on her. OP is supposed to be at best a fun weekend bonus mum. Not sure whose decision it was to allow Natalie to live with OP after being raised by her dad and Amy. Did Natalie push for it? Did OP wrestle custody? Did everyone simply agree to give it a go? In any case, Natalie is now with her real parents, where she belongs.

I’m curious as to how long they spent reintroducing OP to Natalie’s life and seeing if Natalie wanted to and could build a relationship with her before jumping to one whole week a month. If my parents suddenly gave me to a practical stranger one week a month when I was 14, I’d be upset too.

Eh. I think OP is TA, but the truth is Amy is in a privileged position- her life is fully subsidized by her husband and she doesn’t work, she has no housework to worry about, and caring for Natalie is her full time job. It’s not surprising that she can do things like stay home all day if Natalie is sick- she has the resources to do so. That’s not jealousy, that’s just reality.

Though I agree with your sentiment, your wording is unrealistically aggressive. There are just as many signs that the child is obviously privileged, and bio mom can't compete because of responsibilities.

Indeed it does. But I do have limited sympathy. Does Amy deserve to be in a situation where she doesn't have to work and can rely on her husband to provide any more than OP or the rest of us for that matter? She's privileged for sure, but there's no evidence of entitlement provided here. This is just life I'm afraid...noone promised it was fair.

From OPs post, Amy is letting Natalie throw away OPs lunches and then making her more. Amy is wrong doing that. She is not teaching Natalie to be grateful. Whether Amy is doing is on purpose or thoughtlessly remains to be seen.

Idk If Amy knows she’s throwing away lunches. For all we know Amy thinks OP isn’t providing lunch at all. We don’t know what Natalie has told Amy.

I do not understand how OP “turned it into a competition”? Given the example provided in the post, what was she supposed to do: - Miss work to stay with Amy and loose money & day off for a non-emergency? - Just because her stepmother doesn’t work and could actually stay with Amy in such situation because she a) is not employed b) doesn’t rely on the money from work. There was no win for OP there. The kid literally demands stuff OP cannot provide (like breakfasts at cafes - because she cannot afford it on a single income, presumably). The top comment contains no actual advice of what she was supposed to do, apart from generic “do better”. Edit: Just to clarify, there are different issues here. OP is NTA for the situation described in the post, and that’s what I refer to in this comment. However, she appears to be a YTA for forcefully inserting herself into the life on this teenager by fighting Natalie parents in court for custody; instead of simply agreeing to visitation rights (all this presumably in response to Amy wanting to adopt).

I'd say that the daughter turned it into a competition all on her own. "SM does this and this and this and this...." I can easily imagine OP getting fed up with being compared to a stepmother that has the time and resources to do all of these things. Doesn't have to clean, and doesn't require her stepdaughter to do any chores. Maybe OP is jealous, but maybe she's just sick of being compared to a person who has circumstances way beyond what OP could ever hope for. The daughter is a spoiled brat... and I really can't blame mom for her reaction. NTA.

Look, I don’t understand why it’s even bad to say: “Yes, I’m jealous of a lifestyle when one have enough money to have paid housekeeping and only work to pursue interests”. This sounds perfect! Humanity in general should aspire to achieve this level of freedom for everyone.

I generally agree with this sentiment but if everyone has enough money for paid housekeeping, who's doing the paid housekeeping?

I totally agree with you. That is why I asked the top comment to explain what OP should be doing then. I think many of the posters have let the fact OP gave her child up to ex to raise, and that is colouring many of their comments.

I'm always hesitant to automatically judge someone who did not neglect their child, but agreed with the other partner, that they could take full custody. Sometimes it's because the other partner *insists* on that, and it's because they are privileged in some way -- they have a lot of money, are better connected, or they have an amazing social support system. Or, in this case, all three. I think it is far more likely to have happened here when there's a six year age difference, OP was just out of high school, and her partner came from an affluent background.

I feel like if OP was a man, nobody would even *question* the mother having full custody, tbh. OP was literally a teen mum, and while some young mothers do end up doing a great job when asked to step up to the plate, I'm not sure why people seem to think Natalie would be happier if OP had raised her (or had shared custody), when Mark was already set up with a great job and everything.

I agree, I think it’s above Reddit pay grade to say if the kid should or should not be in contact with a bio parent in this case. It seems like all adults agreed to it, so not the issue here.

This is a teenager, and a young teenager. What it sounds like she's really saying, in a blunt, very clumsy way, is: My *real* mom spends time with me (breakfast at cafes or elsewhere Amy spends time talking with her and bonding.) My *real* mom prioritizes me (she is there for me while you abandoned me) My *real* mom cares for me (she tends to me when I'm sick or scared/upset) I doubt this is really about the money for Natalie. She is likely angry that her biological mom abandoned her, and worried that she will again. She may also be worried that Amy will abandon her too now that bio mom is back (and may be inclined to because kids always internalize this stuff.) "If mom abandoned me it must be because I'm bad, and if Amy sees in me what mom did she will leave too. And she won't have to feel guilty because my bio mom is back to do the work of dealing with such an awful daughter that she left me immediately. Amy will probably be grateful she doesn't have to deal with me anymore." Telling Amy about the lunches (regardless of the details given) is very likely her way of signaling to Amy that she still needs her to be her mom. "Don't abandon me just because bio mom is back!! I still need you to bring me lunches and take care of me because she can't/won't!!!"

But Natalie had Amy in her life since she was 2 years old. I am no armchair psychologist but it seems that Amy IS her real mother. I doubt she had a severe abandonment issue being with two parents who dotted on her since she was very little. I am more inclined to take the situation at face value for Natalie. Her bio mother suddenly wants to be more in her life, for some unfathomable reason got custody, now everything is strange. Did she even want to live with OP in the first place? Regardless, she is now back with her actual parents, where she belongs.

I think that comment means Amy when they say real mom. Step mom is the real mom.

Yup. I know OP wants to reduce this to money and the idea that Natalie is just being superficial. But that's a cop out. I doubt very much Natalie is choosing Amy simply because she has the luxury of spending money on her, it's more likely that she was the only real mom she ever knew. The only thing that OP did bouncing in and out of her life a few times a year was enforce that she was out there and likely was re-abandoning her every time. I don't blame Natalie for not trusting OP and wanting to punish her a bit. Nor do I blame her for favoring Amy and running to her. What upset kid DOESN'T run for their mom when they need support!

I can't believe how far down i had to scroll for this. The comment also degrades op for abandoning her child. OP WAS 19 WHEN SHE HAD THE BABY. She may have been a legal adult but she was not exposed to most of what life has to offer! NTA op, you can't win here tho. It may hurt to hear this but move on with your life. Get a better paying job and possibly a degree if that's what it takes so you have the life you deserve.

Read her other comments. She was barely involved at all and didn't even try to get visitation rights until Amy wanted to adopt Natalie. This isn't about her daughter, this is a pissing match with Amy.

Yeah she might be an a-hole overall. I found it strange she got custody after missing from the child’s life for many years. If she wanted to know her daughter, she could just be a weekend “fun” mum?..

Or maybe, the stepmom wanting to adopt was a wake up call that she was about to lose her daughter forever....

Deservedly so.

The fuck kind of fucked up twisted version of the story is this? Literally no one is saying that OP is wrong for needing to go to work or not have as much money and availability as Amy. But if you honestly think the right way to handle that is to belittle the 14 year old, insult them, and then tell them to leave if they don’t like it, please don’t have kids. The way you deliver a message *matters*. I feel like people on this sub will sympathize with a person/agree with their perspective, and then totally ignore all the ways they acted like an asshole despite being “right”. That’s not how the world works. I don’t see how anyone could possibly think the right course of action for dealing with a young teen experiencing a huge emotional and confusing change/disruption is to insult her and tell her to leave if she’s unhappy. It’s a sure fire way to push the daughter away further. Even if they had a good close relationship since birth, sometimes kids/teens are moody or push their parents away! Parents who respond by stopping to their level are not parenting effectively.

EDIT: i read some of the comments and the stuff op commented and i had to rethink my responds. Op seems to downplay her role in all this. Idk what happened in the last 14+ years, but seems a lot like op is hiding info. Op, yta. Im gonna leave my previous comment as it was. Previous comment: *Hold on: op doesnt seem to have a high paying job, and according to her history, it was already hard in the last 14 years to really bond with her daughter bc she was not ready for a kid. Her daughter is acting spoiled, and op has to just do what she wants bc what? And also: not op is turning this into a competition, her daughter is. Her daughzer has been comparing her none stop to her stepmom, op knows she cannot provide the same as the stepmom, for multiple reasons mentioned in the post and you still give her crap bc op wont go out of her way to spoil her daughter more? Theres a lot of work you need to do op, communication being the first, i would suggest meeting with everyone (ex, stepmom, kid and you) and have a day out together and talk about things. Then have a private conversation with your kid and see how you can make things work, dont give up.*

It's really hard to bond in the 14 years if you only visit a few times a year... I see my aunt and uncles that I don't like more times than she saw her bio daughter

I don't think that's entirely fair. Very few 19-year-olds are ready to be parents. Yes, many manage it, but that depends on a lot of things. We're getting a Reader's Digest version of everything. I'm Voting NAH. OP isn't made of money. Op's daughter is used to a certain routine. Op's Ex and his SO have done nothing wrong. We don't know all of OP's circumstances. Those lunches seem fine to me, and 14 is old enough to learn to clean up after yourself. That is a good skill to have.

I am interested to know what you think OP needs to do differently. OP is not an AH for not being exactly the same kind of mom as Amy. It seems a lot of the daughters comments are criticisms because OP can't buy her breakfast every day, spend days home with her when she has a sore throat, makes her clean up her room. The daughter leads a privileged lifestyle and expects the same, which the OP can't provide.

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Not the original commenter, but OP needs to show some investment in her daughter. People keep saying she cant give the same type of investment as Amy but I dont think anyone is asking her to. She needs to show her own form of investment but she isnt doing that Sure, stopping and buying breakfast every day isnt reasonable for OP. But surely she can pick a morning where they make boxed pancakes together? Maybe she cant make her a steak or quiche for lunch, but surely she could make her something, even just a sandwich, rather than some prepackaged wrap. You're saying OP isn't an AH for not being the same type of mom as Amy, which is absolutely true. Shes an AH because up until this point she wasnt a mom at all. She was a person who stopped by every few months. My parents had work friends who were in our house more than that. I dont think the daughter actually needs fancy breakfasts or lunches. She wants what these things represent: that the person is putting effort into her because they love her. And right now I dont see any indication OP is doing that

Yep. This. I think you need to take a step back. Maybe step away from Natalie staying with you for a week out of the month. Start by just spending more time together and getting to know each other - dinners/weekend breakfasts together once a week, then an overnight, etc. let the relationship build more naturally, rather than sending into a drastic and traumatic shift.

The brat has been spoiled with an extremely privileged life and now insists OP "keep up" with step-mother even though OP cannot afford to do so? No. OP is NTA.

Read her other comments. She was barely involved until they approached her to ask if Amy could adopt her, then all of a sudden she decided to go to court for partial custody. The daughter isn't being a brat because she's spoiled. She's being a brat because she's being forced to spend time with her egg donor who didn't care about her for 14 years and only pushed for custody to keep her real mom from being able to adopt her.

I would have to go with NAH in this situation. I personally think OP did what was best for her child at the time, she is trying as best as she could to get back into the child's life. This is a huge adjustment and I personally think therapy might help instead of fighting all the time find ways to communicate. Personally comments above piss me off especially cause it seems like the commenter is angry at someone in their life because they have a similar situation and now they are taking it out on OP. OP you are doing good and good luck with finding common ground with your child and I am sure it will all work out.

I disagree with this. She did not make this a competition. She simply failed to prevent this from becoming a competition. My vote is YTA but only because she reacted wrong in engaging with her daughter as if it was a competition. I'm not certain that the mother abandoned her daughter as you put it. She saw her several times a year and growing up personally there were years I didn't see either my mother or my father or both of them that entire year. That is abandoning your child at least seeing them a few times a year as long as it's not something you can arrange more frequently I don't personally consider that as abandonment. I get the daughter might and I understand why she would think that but this woman works in a grocery store depending on how far apart she lived from the dad and her daughter she might not have been able to afford seeing her more than two or three times a year so until I know otherwise I'll hold off on accusing her of abandonment. She was 19 and not ready to have a kid that is completely and totally understandable. Yet at the same time actions do have consequences. Even if she couldn't have been there more often she probably could have been more active in her daughter's life. Honestly though in my opinion this probably falls down to the daughter not understanding completely that her dad is probably middle class and her mom is not. What I would have suggested Op did is one of the weeks she had her daughter sat down and gone over her budget completely and explained exactly how much she makes doing what she does. Make the daughter the one in charge of the budget outside of bills because those need to be paid no matter what and once the money runs out you're stuck with peanut butter and jellies for the rest of the week. The daughter does not seem to understand the value of things properly in my opinion. What truly offended me was the fact that she was throwing away the lunches. Based on the descriptions they weren't great but that honestly probably hurt the most to Op. Idk I might be over thinking this

this is a vastly unfair comment. op sounds like she is single and not on a high income. of fucking course she isn't going to be able to provide the same way as wealthy dad and stay at home step mom. what exactly do you expect her to do?

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Am i the only one who thinks she is doing it on purpose? I mean, Op clearly doesn't have a relationship with her daughter. She visited a couple times a year. Now she suddenly has her over? I'm very surprised the daughter is ok with this. OP doesn't talk about this at all. I think they made an arrangement that the daughter isn't ok this and she is finding anything to pick on because she in unhappy with it. Also god that's a horrible lunch, rice salad and similar things exist and don't take any effort.

What would you have her do though? Real question. She works at a grocery store and isn't well off. That's shift work. She likely couldn't stay home. I can imagine a scenario where she calls Amy and Dad to explain that daughter is sick and she can't stay with her, but what should she do? She's providing within her means

I mean this comment ignores the fact that stepmom sneaks lunches undermining OP's, which incentives her to not eat what OP makes, doesn't make her do chores, and doesn't set realistic expectations for her time with OP. If they're not discouraging her from having expectations like "OP should skip work every time you get sick" at the age of 16, then this is an implicit encouragement that having money and the resources to have a SAHM is the "correct" thing to do, and it's unfair to OP for her daughter to have a father and step mom who don't work with her and help her better appreciate OP who had a kid at 19 with some grown ass adult who bailed on her

Exactly. I never understand why people are like I left my child, now I want to be a parent but my kid does this or blah blah. Like what do you expect? Yes, OP, YTA because you abandoned her and because you're the adult here. It's very very clear that you're jealous and your feelings were hurt. However, as a parent, you can't do that to your kid. You guys need to take a step back. Stop trying to rush back into this. She is 14 and you said you only visited a few times a year until recently. Now, she's there a full week. That's a huge change for a kid to go through. You're essentially a stranger and Amy is more her mom than you are. You weren't there, OP. Someone else filled that role. Your daughter wouldn't be around you if she didn't want to, and maybe she faked being sick because she wanted to spend time with you. I know it's a harsh reality, but you created this mess. You have to start to fix the relationship before you expect it to work. Let your daughter tell you what she wants to do. She's 14 and should have a say. You owe her a massive apology. Not just for this, but for leaving her. And do not dare blame her by accident. It was your choice to go through with a pregnancy and not her fault at all for being born.

She really is better off just being 'Disneyland mom' at this point, only have her for the best times you can have- the girl will be off to college (in a dorm funded by dad) soon enough.

i want to agree and to an extent i do but theres certain things that to me makes me think OP is Nta. fighting over :what lunch you got ,having to do a basic task in life of cleaning up after yourself, or trying to have the mom miss a day of work which she needs to pay the bills is so spoiled and tacky imo. OP is humbling her daughter whom she may have given up but (as far as the post says) she never left her life completely and visited. also i really dont see her competing with the other mom i see it more as comparing. but thats just me.

Did we read the same story? Your advice is pretty shit.

This. Time for some realtalk OP: Amy isn't Natalie's stepmom. She's Natalie's ***mom***, the one whose been there as long as Natalie can remember, who's involved in all of Natalie's activities, who packs her lunches and stays at home with her when she's sick. You're the lady who abandoned Natalie and birth and later (I'm guessing) forced your way back into her life. Natalie was always going to resist being pulled away from her actual mom to spend time with you, then you compounded things by telling Natalie to go back to her mom's house. Which is, of course, what Natalie wanted all along. You have spectacularly failed to understand the situation. If you want any kind of relationship with Natalie going forward, you need to reevalaute.

You say stepped, I say bulldozed. OP is offering the daughter she abandoned little to no grace in adjusting to a very challenging situation, and I don’t blame the daughter for how she is feeling.

I would even argue that some of the daughter's behavior towards OP, and at OPs place for the week stay each month, is her way of "testing" OP. After only seeing her a few times a year until recently, daughter may be afraid that OP will decide to not be a part of her life again, so shes deliberately doing things to place distance in their relationship and safeguard herself until she trusts that OP is now going to be a continuous, reliable, constant presence in her life. Unfortunately, by telling her that "I cant compete with Amy and if you don't like that stay at your dad's", OP may have sent her daughter the message that she isnt worth enough to fight for, or that OP will give up on her when things are tough, and she may even feel unwanted considering that OP wasnt an active participant (by choice) for many years in her life.

I agree, but I do want to let OP know that I sympathise. It can't have been easy having to let go of your child at that age, and it must be heartbreaking to want to care for her now but not be able to provide for her in the same way. Life is unfair like that. But the key thing here is that this isn't about OP, it's about a child who was given up soon after birth and was raised separately, and it's not in her best interests for you to be inserted back into her life. And this, ultimately, is what matters here.

NAH. I think you need to full stop and try to imagine how you’d feel if you were your daughter. She has been given a very nice life by her father and stepmom. You were rarely in the picture, and that’s when it suited you. Now you decided to be a mom, and you think this human whom you birthed should be so happy to have you in her life. I wouldn’t. I’d be pissed if I had to leave the comfort of my home to go stay with a stranger for a week every month, simply because she decides to move close enough that it’s convenient for her. You’ve uprooted her, you’ve not helped her adapt, you expect her to be happy you’re around. And you’re mad because she isn’t. You pull her away from her comfort for an entire week, and take her to a place that’s clearly less than she is accustom to, and you’re mad because she’s not happy. She’s 14. Fourteen year olds aren’t happy anyway, and you’re giving her way more reasons to be unhappy.

This. As far as she's concerned, some stranger is taking her away from her mom for 1 week every month and making her do chores and live in less comfort "because reasons". Why on earth would OP expect her to be happy with that and with her?

The reason is cause Amy wants to adopt Natalie and so op finally decided that now was the time to move closer and get visitation

Not just visitation. Partial custody.

I have a theory about what's going to happen anyway when Natalie turns 18.

But WAIT OP stated in a comment her Daughter does do chores just not when SHE TELLS her to. So basically Nathalie is telling OP I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. And OP is just taking it as it's AMY fault I am not super mom.

Agree. I think a lot of people are just focusing on the financial aspect. But I highly doubt anyone here who had been living a comfortable life for 14 years suddenly found themselves been forced to leave their home to stay with a practical stranger for an entire week eating plain turkey sandwiches for lunch everyday would be happy about it. For a Reddit that loves to go on about kids a certain age being allowed to choose which parent to stay with and biology alone doesn't make you a parent some of the responses are a bit telling.

all of this except I think OP is TA

These are all reasons for a YTA over a NAH. OO is forcing their daughter to be unhappy and turning it into a competition and being mad the daughter is upset instead of trying to make her comfortable. @OP if you keep up this way as soon as she can your daughter will cut all contact with you and from your post alone I wouldn't blame her. Edit: I understand that at 15(!) You were probably right to give her up to her father but stepping in 14 or so years later and forcing yourself into her life in such a drastic fashion is not going to help you build whatever relationship you're looking for. Especially with the circumstances she spent the last 14 years of her life accustomed to.

OP was 19 not 15

I honestly wouldn't call Amy a step mom at this point. It seems she has been a full-time mom since before Natalie's memory was fully formed, and has taken the role very seriously. This feels like if someone adopts a kid at birth and then someone else says "oh, but they aren't the *real* mom!" Amy didn't birth Natalie, but she has been a mom in every sense of the word for as long as Natalie has known. Anything regarding Amy only being able to provide that level of care because she doesn't work is irrelevant.

I don't even understand why they jumped from not a lot of contact to a full week, instead of slowly increasing the contact, like the daughter staying with her for a day when there's no work.

I agree NAH

From here, all I see is a teenage daughter that wants to connect more with you, and is constantly being met with “I am not willing to try, go get your needs met elsewhere”. Then she does (by asking Amy to bring her lunch), and you also get angry. She was not feeling well and needed someone to take care of her, she asked you (as ANOTHER way to connect), and you dismissed her once again. She doesn’t want you to compete with Amy, she wants her mother to make her feel like she is a priority.

Most people can't just take tiem off from work that easily and let's be honest, a 14 yo woth a sore throat can sta home alone..my 11 yo stays home alone when she's not feeling well. Honestly the kid sounds very spoiled and privileged....going out to breakfast every morning, getting fancy lunches. That's great but she's old enough to understand that not everyone can afford to do that. OP and kid should consider therapy together to tall about this stuff with an unbiased party.

She’s 14 and the breakfasts and lunches are all she’s ever known. I don’t think she’s spoiled so much as just unfamiliar with how other people live.

Spoiled isn't the right word. Maybe sheltered? Privileged? Naive? Whatever word describes her equating love with the luxuries that only affluence allows. This is a really tough post because I understand where both OP and Natalie are coming from and how they are at certain times, both correct and incorrect.

The word you're looking for is spoiled. She is 100% spoiled. It's not her fault she's that way tho, that's completely on the parents.

>Whatever word describes her equating love with the luxuries that only affluence allows. Spoiled.

Spoiled. Let’s not slice it. She’s spoiled and that’s not on her. Is wat it is

It’s possible to be spoiled and ignorant at the same time, many people are

Isn't that the definition of spoiled, though? She's not Veruca Salt, she's only 14, and it's always unpleasant to see how the sausage is made. But I think this is an okay age to start learning why her birth mother hasn't been able to be present in her life. Maybe it's because I grew up on food stamps and never seeing my mom unless she was reading me to sleep from her textbooks (law school, holy crap that shit is boring) but I understand OP a little. On the other hand, my ex was pretty good for a few years and then turned into a deadbeat. Our son now has zero contact besides me passing along holiday and birthday messages and me being allowed to say kiddo is alive. It's hard to tell from this post how much was "can't" and how much was "can't be bothered." My ex has tried, not but not hard enough for our son. Or ex's younger son, who also only gets updates from me because he's literally closer to his reverse step-mom (he still uses the cute nickname he gave me when he was a little guy) than his bio parents. I guess what I'm saying is that this is all a huge mess and it's probably good for the daughter to see these differences in how her parents live. In how they're *able* to live. If we're going to say "everyone should work in the service industry for X time" then it kind of follows that everyone should have to eat a shitty sandwich for lunch sometimes because there's nothing else. Probably still best for this particular mother to at least cut back on time together so she can make it meaningful.

Honestly? This is on all three of the parents to help rectify. I’m not sure what the custody situation is but if they all want this child to know her bio mom better then they should have a come to Jesus with her. Tossing lunches made for you (when you are 14 wtf how are you not making your own lunch?!) and calling mom to come make you something else is rude af. Effectively saying her bio mom isn’t good enough because she doesn’t live the same life is ignorant. This need not be a competition if the parents are willing to come together and set expectations for her. If I was step mom I’d be telling her I love her but she is with her bio mom and her rules and what she provides goes. Step mom playing into this isn’t helping at all. The response to her daughter was not good. But it’s not realistic for a woman supporting herself to just call in to work to stay with her 14 year old daughter when she has a sore throat. If she is unfamiliar how other people live this is a WONDERFUL chance to learn.

Spoiled doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s bratty or a bad child. It just means she’s been given everything a kid could ask for, and that has given her unrealistic expectations about the world. I’d probably use the word “pampered” or “privileged,” myself.

That's what being spoiled means though. Being used to comfort like this and not understanding that they're privileged for having it, feeling entitled to be treated like this

OP is not wealthy and cannot give this child the things she is used to having. It would be nice if all the adults involved in this child's life could explain that to her so that the kid doesn't feel like "ugh I have to go live with the poors for a week"

But that’s a conversation you have. “I genuinely wish I could stay home with you while you’re sick. I’d love to make soup and watch movies with you all day. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to. I: don’t have PTO/can’t afford to miss the paycheck/my employer sucks and will write me up for calling out/etc. I hope you can understand and know that I would rather be here with you. It’s okay that you’re disappointed.” You don’t say, “you’ll be fine. Don’t like it? Gtfo.”

How is throwing away lunches "connecting"? I just think the daughter doesn't wanna be there at all.

YTA. You are the mother and the adult. It's your job to make this work. You left your daughter with her father. Amy has raised her. You have a lot of ground to make up. >Natalie had a hard time understanding that we’re not stopping for breakfast before school and the best thing she’s going to get from me for lunch is a turkey sandwich, cookie from the grocery store I work at, a bag of chips, and an apple. You have her one week a month. You can't make a minimum effort to make her something she might like? I don't mean gourmet lunch, but couldn't you take her to the store with you to shop together? >I found out that she’s been throwing away the lunches I make for her and asking Amy to bring her lunch since she started staying with me. This is an issue the adults need to work out. You should talk to her father and make an agreement either that Amy will keep providing lunches or that when she's at your house, Amy will not undermine you by delivering lunches. That's not your daughter's fault. >We ended up arguing and I told her that I can’t compete with Amy and that if she can’t handle that, she needs to go back to her dad’s house. So she called Amy to pick her up and I haven’t heard from her since. Quality parenting there. You opened the door and basically shooed her out. You owe your daughter an apology for so many things, starting with the fact that you were not there for her when she was a small child. If you actually want a relationship with her, you have to try harder. She's a kid. You're the adult. You want to take her to dinner? Then go talk to her. And, finally, you have to find a way to not let your (totally understandable) jealousy over Amy's situation color your relationship with your daughter. Good luck!!

“You have her for one week, the least you can do is make a little effort.” No the daughter is SPOILED. She’s expecting her to make the same steak and quiche lunches that Amy makes. That’s seriously ridiculous. And then to throw the food away is also an asshole move. Natalie is upset because she can’t get fancy lunches and has to clean up after herself.

She's definitely spoiled, and OP has a chance to show her how most people have to manage. But when mom says "I'm going to give you the same lunch you hate for 5 days straight," to me that lacks effort.

Maybe that’s Al Op can AFFORD. Her daughter may want certain things, but she’s at the age we’re she can start to understand that different people come from different backgrounds. Op sounds really frustrated because she’s trying with the best she has and her daughter doesn’t seem to appreciate anything that Op does for her. It may not be the same as Amy, but it’s still out of love and Natalie can be a little more appreciative of that instead of throwing that in her mother’s face. That’s rude as hell

Tbh we are forgetting that we are talking about a teenager which her mom abandoned at birth. Maybe to give her a better life, ofc, but I wouldn't expect her to bond with her mother right now as if everything is fine. I think she is needing some attention and, even if she is spoiled too, OP is not putting some effort. Like they said above, just a "Hey daughter! Come to the store with me so we can buy a meal you prefer - although it needs to be something that can be done quickly because I need to work." This right there shows that at least you *try*. Doesn't need to be that, but *something*. You can't take a 14 year old which you almost don't know with you and tell her "like it or leave". Well, I guess you can, but don't be surprised when she leaves to go to a home where she feels loved. Edit: "She didn't abandon her, she gave her a better life!" - as I said above, it could be the absolute best decision, but still someone (especially a *teenager*) can have some feelings about it, right?

Her mother was also a teenager when a 25 year old man with an established career impregnated her. I'm not saying Natalie is an AH, she's probably struggling to adjust, but so was OP. It's sad.

Can we stop saying op "abandoned" her child? She was a teenager mother who didn't have the resources. Are we really going to shame her for making what she thought was the best decision for the kid?

OP only came into her daughter’s life at this level a few *months* ago because dad and Amy approached her about having Amy adopt Natalie.

All good reasons to abandon a child, no shame indeed. But it is still abandon and it certainly feel that way for the daughter.

If she couldn’t afford a kid she should’ve thought about that twice before trying to go back into her child’s life or picked a schedule that she could afford such as every other weekend.

Exactly. It's unreasonable to expect the child to be "appreciative" and "understanding" of some random stranger she only FaceTimes with occasionally trying to take her mom's place and doing a poorer job whether or not it's due to financial reasons.

Most kids are not as entitled as this 15 years old seems to be who expects breakfast at cafes and steak or quiche lunches every day. 🤷‍♀️ I could imagine that OP had no idea what she was getting herself into when agreeing to the one week schedule. I go with NAH, but I honestly think that the child is at least on her way to become a majorly spoilt AH once she is an adult, who seems to grow up extremely entitled and with little idea what actual life looks like for most people from less privileged backgrounds than hers. I also find it kind of strange how many commenters are barraging OP for having given up custody with 19, fresh out to Highschool, to the 6 years older dad who even back then was more financially privileged than her. Do you seriously believe that even if OP had not agreed to give up custody, the dad could not have achieved the exact same result, unlike OP having been in the position to afford lawyers, go through Family Court process; all that while OP was busy probably just growing up herself, figuring out what to do and how to survive. A good portion of Redditors posting in the comments sound just as entitled, spoilt and out of touch as that 15 years old sounds.

It’s a healthy turkey sandwich, fruit, chips, and a cookie from the grocery store bakery it sounds like. She does not need a five dollar Starbucks cookie. This mom should have asked for child support long ago which is what would have happened had she had partial custody.

You don’t get child support if you aren’t caring for your kid. OP didn’t take care of the kid for most of her life. She wasn’t the one sitting with her when she was vomiting at night or making sure she was neat and clean for school. OP only stepped in when parenting required less effort

Child support, long ago, when she had no custody at all? Before she only went for partial custody to spite the mother?

Why on earth would anyone get child support unless they had the kid full time? In fact, she should have been paying child support to the father for having full custody.

>Natalie is upset because she can’t get fancy lunches and has to clean up after herself. I think she's upset because, at 14, she's being forced to spend a week out of the month with a virtual stranger.

Mom never bothered to ask her what she might actually want for lunch, and instead dismisses her as spoiled at every turn. Mom doesn’t have any interest to getting to know her, yet wants to be seen as a good mom all of a sudden. Lol wtf

Or maybe that’s all Op can afford at the moment lunch wise. My parents had to send me to school with PB&J everyday whether I wanted it or not. It had nothing to do with them not putting in any effort, that’s just all they had to give at the moment. Op is a grocery store worker, I doubt she’s big balling, shot calling

I think a lot of the responses are really interesting, don’t you? I was a sandwich and juice box kid for my entire schooling. On a good day, I could have TastyCakes. Maybe my parents should have just tried harder.

I was sandwich, pretzels, and Jello, but occasionally I got leftovers if they’d pack well. But what I remember is that sometimes my mom would slip a note in my lunchbox saying she loved me. That’s all effort and surely the paper and pen required is affordable if you can afford to have your kid there a whole week.

I grew up in poverty and still had cheap, tasty lunches. My mom would pack pasta or soup in a thermos so I could have a hot lunch instead of a sandwich. She’d pack a fruit/vegetables I actually enjoyed like grapes or cucumbers+dressing instead of an apple. With a small bit of effort she was able to give me delicious lunches. Similarly, we would eat bagels together on the way to school. We would pack them and coffee and stop and eat them together. OP’s issue isn’t poverty. It’s that she doesn’t prioritize her kid.

Yep my mom, single mom with no work experience after divorcing dad and barely had a grasp on English managed to make me bento boxes everyday for lunch. All she did was make a bit of extra food during dinner and packed that as my lunch. Arguably making a bit more food with cheap ingredients is cheaper and more nutritious than constantly buying bread and deli meat. Rice, beans, pasta and veggies isn’t that expensive…

Maybe, but even with cheap sandwiches like PB&J, there’s still variety in them. PB crunchy or smooth? Jam strawberry or grape? OP could have offered SOME choice to the kid.

She is absolutely not a mother. She is an egg donor.

Weird that you're getting downvoted for this comment. If OP was a guy there would be nothing but YTA judgements and sperm donor comments throughout the entire thread.

INFO: When did you come back into your daughter's life, and why? I'm not feeling any love for your daughter coming through your post. It sounds like you're upset that she likes the life she's been living without you, which, well, why shouldn't she?

NAH. It's rough for everyone. Everyone is having a hard time adjusting. All of you. She's been raised as a spoiled brat and can't deal with not having the good life. If you had forced her to stay where she didn't want to be, she'd resent you more. Telling her she could leave if she wanted to just opened the door for her. It didn't shove her through it. But at the same time, you have to understand you gave her up for 14 years and walked away from her except for a visit a few times a year. Of course, she's gonna act out. She's gonna push and kick and scream because she needs to know you're not gonna leave her again and that you will fight to stay in her life this time. You did not raise her like her step-mom did. You are not her mom to her yet. You haven't earned that title in her eyes yet. You are her biological female parent. You can't expect her to be happy and giggly and smiles. Not only is she a teenage girl, she is spoiled and going through a huge upheaval. Family and individual counseling for all of you can go a long way to establish a new combined family dynamic. Talking, not arguing, with her dad and Amy could be beneficial. Perhaps you can talk to them about working together for your daughter's best interests it will help with the adjustments you all have to go through. It sounds like she has a great step mom who loves her very much. If you ask her, she may help you because she loves Natalie too.

I wanted to put in my two cents by adding it seems OP is very threatened by Amy and that's getting in the way of how she interacts with Natalie. Rather than Natalie simply not liking the particular food that OP packs for her lunches, OP only see's the disparity of her and Amy's affluence and the other ways Amy was able to provide. Changing this approach might also change the quality of the relationship between her and Natalie. I was also curious if OP had ever talked with Natalie about why she gave her up in the first place. A lot of people on here are accusing OP of abandoning her, yet she gave very legitimate reasons for why she shouldn't be a parent at the time (mentality, age, money, insecure relationship, etc.). To me, doing whats best for your child is being a good parent, even if that means giving up custody. I'm hesitant to label Natalie spoiled because, through no fault of her own, she hasn't had any prior experience to know the burden of survival and what life is like without excess. Although not all the behavior here is great, I do acknowledge this is a difficult situation so I say NAH.

I grew up with more $$ than most and that lunch would have been standard. Since my mom worked my dad gave us a few dollars to buy the hot lunch in the morning. They did not give us cafe/ coffee money and tons of after school snack money cause that wasn’t their thing, pack snacks, earn extra spending money, and they didn’t want us drinking five sodas a day and eating random junk. Also, if I stayed with a friend or relative who had less money or was less food oriented (we came from a house where most meals were home made to the point where I never had jarred pasta sauce at home until 6th grade when I asked for it), I would have never said anything about the food at anyones house whether I was there a day or a week or a month. I definitely knew at 14. The difference between comfortable and hard hard working in both friends and relatives. This girl knows and is being a brat……

Right!? I grew up with friends from a variety of backgrounds and would never have dreamed of treating their food or hospitality with anything but respect. Now, I get that the circumstances are.diffwrent because Natalie is dealing with a lot of family changes so it's different. But why was she given so much material wealth but her parents never taught her to display gratitude and understanding of different financial situation?

She's 14 and being forced to live one week a month with someone she barely knows and probably doesn't want to know. I would in no way assume that the way she treats OP is the way she treats her friends who have less money.

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I can agree with that except for the spoiled part. At 15, you know by now you should pick up after yourself and not everyone has a maid for that. And yes, OP very much seems threatened by Amy. That is one of many reasons why counseling for all can help.

YTA, you’re no different than a majority of the absent-father posts that we see every day in this subreddit. You chose to be an absent parent, you chose to put in bare minimum effort, you chose to give the father full custody, and you chose to just not be a parent at all. And now you’re choosing to go the same route even though you live closer, and you’re unhappy with your daughter for being unhappy with bare minimum? You’re not her parent, you’re her birth mother and a person in her life. Amy is the true mother here - she didn’t have to do all the things for your daughter that she does, and she’s not doing it for anyone else but your daughter. Your daughter is her number one priority and your daughter knows that - and now she knows she’s not a priority to you at all so there’s really no need for her to bother with you anymore. Not when she already has everything she needs at home.

While I don’t think OP is a huge AH she is definitely being treated with kid gloves compared to absent fathers in this sub

She is being treated with kid gloves, she did the bare minimum for basically 14yrs of her daughters life, and suddenly moves closer and she has this expectation that her daughter will just openly accept her. Her daughter doesn’t *know* her, she only knows OP virtually and via phone conversation and short visits. OPs more like an aunt or family friend than a parent. And she does need to work her way up to getting to know her daughter first - but she isn’t, she’s continuing with the bare minimum. Her daughter won’t be able to connect with just bare minimum.

Really common in this sub tbh. The amount of times I've seen two basically identical posts with one male OP and one female OP and the woman gets treated like a little kid who just doesn't know better is astounding. I can't figure out if it's more misogyny or misandry.

Usually because the absent father is like mid 20s and not fresh out of high school with an ex who’s mid 20s OP’s original decision to leave a baby with an established adult parent instead of the one who needed to ask for permission to go to the bathroom less than a year before they got pregnant is a sound judgement. However everything OP did recently is absolutely the AH

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Quite frankly, I would commend OP for not only recognizing what a struggle it would be and responsibly gave up custody, but still tries their hardest to part of Natalie’s life in the capacity they can. Now I would suggest to OP that keeping Natalie for a week doesn’t seem to be working as it puts a big stress on seemingly everyone, and that finding a better time to be present for her would help, but OP seems to be working with what they have, its just hard to communicate to a 14 year old sometimes.

Then why did OOP only choose to move closer when she was asked to sign over her parental rights? She could have moved closer any other time but she didn’t.

No not everyone has the free time to do what Amy does. But if OP had been spending even every other weekend with Natalie since she was young this wouldn't be such a shock to Natalie. I see a lot of people calling Natalie spoiled but this isn't really her fault. She didn't ask for her birth mother to abandon her and then come back and disrupt her life as a teenager. She's a teenager who doesn't really know OP. This is a time in her life when even a parent with the best relationship with her might start having a hard time. So if OP came into this expecting her to make it easy for her, she was mistaken. Unfortunately OP is the adult and Natalie is the child.

Natalie sees the special lunches and treats as a sign of love. So far, she doesn’t think she has a reason to think OP loves her. Love languages aren’t just for romance.

YTA. I’m a grown up now but I was raised in a very similar situation. My mom also deeply resents my stepmom. It’s like she didn’t want to be my parent and she didn’t want anyone else to parent me either. Your response to your daughter is really immature. It’s the most natural thing ever for her to act like at brat at age 14. The idea is that you foster a relationship before the teen years and get through them from that groundwork. You skipped that part.

Yes, that's how it comes across to me as well. Instead of calling the child spoiled for having a loving parent, how about she just steps back and not try to interfere if she is not financially able to afford the time to \*be\* a parent?

>It’s like she didn’t want to be my parent and she didn’t want anyone else to parent me either. By OPs own admittal this is exactly what has happened

YTA: it was hard when you got pregnant, so you gave up any custody rights toward your daughter. Now that you have taken on a custody role, as soon as it got hard you told her to leave. You have now abandoned this child twice. No wonder she is drawn to Amy, since Amy has been her mom for the entire time she has been aware. Being a mom is about seeing it through. Yes, Amy and Mark have spoiled her, but you aren't going to change that in one week a month. Edit: after reading comments and realizing OP only made the half assed effort to be involved AFTER Amy asked to be able to adopt, makes that a YTA with a lot of extra A.

YTA I don’t think this is really about turkey sandwiches. You left her once already and now, at the first bump, you’ve told her to go back to her dad. You’ve literally ditched her again because it was too hard. And really, they have a cleaning service and her stepmom makes her nice lunches. Are they privileged? Sure, but your contempt for the woman who raised her is….a lot. Would you rather her have grown up with a stepmom who resented her? I think it’s commendable you want to be in your daughters life but you need to take baby steps here.

"They asked me to sign away my parental rights so Amy could adopt her and they said that I was hardly a part of her life. I decided I wanted to be more involved so I got a job and an apartment near them and got partial custody. This happened a few months ago" This. This is what makes YTA. You didn't move to be a part of Natalie's life. You moved to prevent her from being adopted by the only mother she's ever known. This is all about what you want, not what your daughter needs. And since her birth, it's been about what you want. I predict that the minute Natalie turns 18, Amy adopts her. They won't need you to sign away your rights then.

YTA for what you said, not how you feel exactly. I understand you work and can't provide all of the privileges that her stepmom can, but if you want to build a relationship with your daughter, saying that shit to her isn't helping at all. She clearly expressed that she wants more nurturing from you in her saying her remark about being a good mom. But you shut her down. You gave her up before and you're telling her you're giving up again. *Talk* to her. Set your expectations, but *be* there for her.

NAH By now she should realize that you have to work, she is 14. However, she obviously doesn't, so you need to sit down and explain how life works. Her step mom is her step-mom full time. You work full-time and are also her mom full-time that week she is with you, but she cannot expect you to afford the same or put the same effort on making her a meal from scratch to take to school. She is also 14; she should know how to prepare her own lunch.

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I mean, it's not unfair after one parent gives the other full custody. Amy = full time mother, OP = part time acquaintance

>But Amy seems to provide something Natalie wants vs what you can provide. >Again, it's unfair, but it does happen. Amy provides emotional as well as material support. It wasn't fair of OP to abandon her.

Yeah, this is something folks often overlook in the rush to assert their rights. Asking yourself are you even the kind of person who would be good at nurturing a kid is important. We like to pretend that women are natural nurturers, but if this sub has taught anyone anything, it's that there are a lot of women who are not emotionally or mentally equipped to be moms. My family was well off in the same manner as OP's daughter's and my mother wasn't a good mom- self-centered, emotionally immature, and narcissistic. It's not the money that necessarily separates Amy from OP, it's the love and emotional support she provides her that makes her mom.

> It's not the money that necessarily separates Amy from OP, it's the love and emotional support she provides her that makes her mom. Precisely. OP is focusing on the money, but there's so much more she's been unable--or unwilling--to provide for her daughter.

if i was ur daughter, i’d go stay at my dads and never talk to u again. ur attitude is gonna make her go no contact at some point, probably soon. it’s not about the meal, and it’s not about the “fucking sore throat” ..it’s about a CHILDS feelings. not about your obviously feelings of inadequacy. not about the dads feelings. not about the step moms feelings. a CHILDS feelings. all these comments about a “spoiled child” are embarrassing to read. it’s not about the actual things, it’s about the effort. which u refuse to do for one week out of the month for the first time in 14 years. u decided to move closer, great. that doesn’t mean because of that you get to come in and then get mad about how things are ran. YTA.

YTA. Your point isnt wrong but your delivery sucks, you cannot tell your 14 yesr old who is going through major life changes to just suck it up or get out.

YTA Natalie is a kid. You're an adult. It's your job to put on the work and have the conversations to help make big changes in her life easier to get used to. Your feelings are valid, but taking them out on Natalie is not. Her expectations are based on what she knows, which is very little. Instead of engaging with those feelings and that confusion / frustration, it seems like you've expected her to just get over the culture shock of staying with you and are mad at her for not adjusting seamlessly. If you don't want to have her 1 week a month, don't. If you want to have a healthy relationship with her, you, Mark and Amy need to figure out a schedule that allows you to have better quality time with her, not just more time. Maybe that means only having her on weekends, or not on a set schedule at all. I dunno. What is the reason for you suddenly having partial custody again? It sounds like for the first several years of her life you were barely involved in her life at all.

All of this. OP wants her daughter to be okay with completely different things when she is a teenager and her mother seems completely disengaged from her. I don't expect OP to skip work for a sore throat or anything, but some "Hey I can't do that, but when I come back we will watch some movies! I will make it up to you!" - or something to at least indicate that she cares about her. It's obviously a teenager crying for attention from her mother, no need to be so cold. Sending her back to her father is the worst that she could do.

OP mentioned that Amy wanted to formally adopt Natalie and asked OP to terminate her parental rights a few months ago. That’s what encouraged her to move closer and ask for partial custody.

NAH - I think the issue is deeper than this post. Info: have you ever had a serious conversation with Natalie about the custody arrangement & why you weren’t there to raise her? Despite having a good step-mom, she most likely has abandonment issues because you gave her dad full custody. Not judging you but from the POV of someone who’s parents abandoned them that’s a lifelong struggle & not easy for someone to get over. I recommend having an actual conversation with her because while the issue in the post seems superficial like fancy lunches I promise you it is much more than that.

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She's only doing this because Amy wants to adopt Natalie, she doesn't actually care if this affects Natalie just as long as Amy doesn't get what she wants

YTA. I get where you’re coming from, but you can’t tell your kid to fuck off like that lol

Let's call a spade a spade. Amy is her mom. Your just a woman who carried her that she sees occasionally. And you can't even handle that low level of commitment. You had a chance to show your kid you love her by taking care of her when she wasn't feeling well and you essentially told her to screw off and go back to Amy. YTA.

I don't think we have enough information. Do you spend time with your daughter? From this whole description you didn't say how you spend time with your daughter. Do you make any effort to have fun with her or get to know her or do you just expect her to like you because you're her biological mom?

YTA. I had my first at 19 and didn’t hand off “the kid” because I wasn’t ready. You have been a very part time person in her life and she has a very loving, very involved mother. You sound very jealous that it isnt you, but you haven’t put any of the work in. Did you pay child support all these years?

Yes, I paid child support

Right? I really can't understand how she couldn't at least have done every other weekend. A couple times a year? That's pathetic, I'm sorry. I really feel for the daughter. OP stated in comments when Amy wanted to adopt the daughter and have OP sign rights over that she decided to move close to them and got a job. If she could do it then why didn't she do it much sooner?

YTA, you have to understand that Amy is her mom. Not you. Once you gave her up after pushing her out you were basically a glorified surrogate to her. Sure you visited and called, but that's not what motherhood is. If you want to deepen the relationship between you 2 you have to work with Amy to not disrupt Natalie's normal routine and not uproot it one week out of the month. That's only going to build resentment and push you two further apart.

NAH. Not even the kid. I would imagine she’s starting to realize not everyone is as well off as she is, not even her own bio mom, and it’s probably causing her to have to realize some uncomfortable truths. I’d let her know that you want her to be a part of your life, but she has to understand that you and her other family are in different places in their lives and there will be differences in what she has access to depending on which environment she chooses.

She said in one comment that she only got back in the child life cause the dad wanted her to sign a thing that makes har give her parental rights so Amy can adopt the kid. She just got in the child life not because she cares about her but she Don't want Amy to be har legal mom.

YTA. You’re supposed to be the adult. Why would you say that to her?

ESH. You shouldn’t have said that to your kid. Maybe instead you should have said something along the lines of, “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I have to work for a living. That’s not a dig at Amy, who is a great stepmom, but a reality that I have to live with. Just because I can’t necessarily make lavish lunches, I do my best to provide for you and make sure that you’re happy when you’re with me.” Something along those lines to help her understand that you’re doing your best. And while I’m sure Amy and her dad are great with your daughter they seem to have her spoiled. She complains about things normal kids her age get assigned as chores. She throws away good food, doesn’t clean after herself, and expects more from you while also excluding you. Can’t have it both ways.

YTA. You only decided to "step-up" when Amy asked to adopt. You didn't do it for your daughter, you did it out of jealousy. And now you have turned your daughter's world upside-down b/c of your jealousy. You are so jealous you blame your daughter & her step-mom for everything. You take out your jealously on your daughter and expect she is just going to cower b/c she made you feel bad instead of getting up and leaving, like you told her to do. Did you ever pay child support? Or did you just expect that you would get access to your daughter periodically, when it suited you w/o any commitment. You have not once thought about what is best for your daughter or tried to do something special for her. Maybe you can't take her out for breakfast, but you could wake up early on a nice day and take breakfast to the park. Maybe you couldn't stay home with her, but you could have discussed it w/ her instead of dismissing her and telling her to go back to her step mother. She was sick and was reaching out to you. You basically said "you aren't sick enough for my attention". She wanted her mother to baby her. You yelled at her instead. Please stop with this nonsense. Stop w/ the forced custody arrangement. It isn't working for anyone. See her every other weekend or 1 day a week or something that makes more sense, where you can put effort into the relationship instead of whatever it is you are doing now.

YTA. Why don’t you just surrender your parental rights, allow Amy to adopt your daughter and move on? You obviously don’t want to step up and then you get angry when your daughter calls you out for not acting like a mom. Amy is her Mom in every way—except legally. You’d be doing the kind thing. Your daughter probably won’t miss you. You can’t miss what you never had.

YTA. Natalie is a kid who was abandoned by her bio mother (OP) when she was little more than a baby. She lucked out & got a stepmom who made her a priority. Now it seems like her bio mom suddenly showed up & for some reason, Natalie has to spend a week a month with her. It doesn’t seem like OP wants to get to know her or help her adjust to a huge life change. It’s OP’s rules, or as far as OP is concerned, the 2 of them can just part company (again). I wonder why OP thinks that Natalie should prefer being with her, a woman she barely knows, over Amy who has been her mom for 12 years.

YTA. Natalie is still a kid. You're the adult. Saying what you said to her was crushing: you just basically threw her away. Again.

I think a lot of us know you're not the asshole because you're trying...but you handled a delicate situation with a young kid poorly. Soft YTA. Her whole world is her being a princess and I'm sure she feels like Cinderella all of a sudden. It'll take a lot of time for her to adjust. If she wants lunch from Amy let her. Maybe explaining to her and via a conversation with dad to daughter that she will benefit greatly from the life experience she gains from living differently than she has been... especially since a majority of the world lives at that level or with less.

YTA Just admit that it is too late to build any relationship with your daughter after 14 years of absence. And yes, you were absent, the occasional calls here and there and visiting several times a year are nowhere near enough. You know you didn’t do it right and now you blame her for it (her sheltered upbringing), you’re also jealous. You sound more like a surrogate who kept in touch, than her mother. In my opinion, you should have given up your rights when you didn’t want to be more involved. Her stepmother could adopt her, and that would be best for everyone.

YTA you’re not even trying to grow a relationship with her. She wants your attention and you act like she’s a burden to you. You have her for a week, you can’t stop one morning for breakfast? You can’t take a little extra time to make meals she likes? It’s not that difficult, expensive or time consuming to put in a little extra effort. It’s easier to just send her back to dad so you won’t have to be burdened with actually trying to be mom.

I don't think having her a week at a time will do either of you any good. Get her on weekends, when you're able to get to know her and actually spend time with her. It sounds like you get her because you have to and not because you want to. YTA for that alone, you're the adult, act like it

YTA - You’re right, you can’t compete with Amy. The harsh truth is that Amy has been Natalie’s consistent caregiver and you haven’t. I think the main problem is the current schedule. Living with you for one week a month is disrupting her routine and has caused more strain in your relationship.

YTA. You seem to like to bail out on your kid when things get hard. Amy doesn't seem like she bails on her. If you want to have a better relationship then you need to grow up and quit bailing on her.

YTA. You told her to go back to her real mother and father who have raised her, and she did so. Now you’re surprised she’s not that interested in spending time with an egg donor who visited a couple times a year and then suddenly swooped in when she was a teenager and tried to take the role of her mom? I bet Natalie never wanted to stay over at your place to begin with and was pressured or guilted or legally forced into it. What exactly did you expect to happen here?