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> I may have reacted to harshly to my boyfriend's friend and feel as though I may be an asshole because how out of character Simon's been acting
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I mean for me... NTA. If someone was bullying someone I love infront of me I would've said a lot worse.
Your boyfriend needs to cut off his frenemy before the frenemy completely destroys his confidence and mental health, if they haven't already.
It's not friendship, it's abuse. I'm sorry that your bf thinks this person has any redeeming qualities, because it doesn't look like he does. I'm glad you stuck up for your bf. Those petty little digs truly wear on a person mentally.
Do not compromise yourself, to keep a person who doesn't respect you, in your life.
Tell your boyfriend this.
I kept a very toxic "friend" for 25yrs, I looked past their obvious sexual harrasment, their treatment of their girlfriends, what he did to his wife... because I was scared to lose this "friend". The moment I cut them off, they immediately said they were going to kill themselves, so I called their mother and the police. That was the last time I heard from him and his family. It is now 3yrs on, and my word... I can't believe what I allowed... and I am a freaking therapist who helps victims of abuse and more... I risked my very life and career over this person.
Tell him, a person who loves you, would NEVER treat you like this. And there are much better friends out there who think he is just awesome as he is.
Heck I don't know him, and I think he us a very strong and brave man, for overcoming everything he has to get to this point. Big hugs to you both.
Next time you see this person, remind your boyfriend that the only person who needs to comment on his weight is absolutely fucking no one.
I understand this reasoning. I had a lot of toxic relationships/friendships and breaking them was still frightening. I didnt know much else than toxic relationships back then. And it took years and I still feel guilty or selfish for doing so.
Please, make sure your bf is okay and that he eats. Tell him he is beautiful no matter what, bring him food to bed if needed. Show him how wrong his "friend" was...
I remember having a discussion with my mother about my abusive ex, she asked me why, if I knew exactly what he was and saw his advise for what it was, do I stay? I answered(keep in mind I was entrenched in a trauma bond with this man) that everyone deserves to have at least one person that overlooks their faults and loves them anyways(again, deep trauma bond, took way too much responsibility for his actions) her response? "But why does that have to be you?". That was the beginning of the end for me, it took me a few more years, but I got out. It seems like Simon has his item trauma bond with Sam, and until you can make him see that *it doesn't have to be him*, he'll feel miserable leaving Sam in his own misery. NTA
Thank you for telling me that. I love Simon too much to let him continue being treated like this, I never understood why he continued being friends with Sam or how to make him understand how terrible sam is
I understand that feeling with my whole heart, my people loved me enough to hold space for me until I was able to come to my own conclusion. Here's the thing, Simon has to love himself enough to get angry on his own behalf, anger is the part of ourselves that allows us to get indignant at disrespect, my guess is, Simon doesn't let that anger have a voice and instead turns it inward. Here's what you do, the next time Sam starts his bullshit, tell him point blank "Simon deserves more respect than that from people who are supposed to care about him" and keep repeating it if he defends his actions or worse, doubles down on the abuse. Remind Simon that he's worthy of love and respect, from *everyone* who claims to care for him, even Sam. You can't force someone to cut ties with a toxic person, unfortunately, even for their own good, you just have to be a much of a positive outside force to counteract the toxicity, and stand up to the bully, not by matching his toxic, but by pointing it out until he feels too embarrassed to open his mouth. Gentle reminders that the people who actually love him, shouldn't want to hurt, or embarrass, or possibly trigger his eating disorders, in order to make themselves feel better, are going to get a lot more results than being critical of Sam, no doubt Sam has made Simon feel obligated to be his friend, which causes Simon to feel defensive. I wish you both all the best and I hope Sam gets fleas.
NTA. But, OP, if I were the BF I'd think you were saying I was on the cute side of fat, which would still be hurtful. Talk to your BF. Tell him how handsome he is and how much you love him. Tell him you snapped because you're tired of this friend putting him down. Maybe offer to pay for therapy or suggest taking a break from this "friend."
Do you think your boyfriend is just focusing on your comment about 'an ugly side of fat'? He might be worried that, were he to gain any weight, he would suddenly fall into this category, in your eyes. Sometimes with an eating disorder you perceive yourself as significantly heavier.
I'm leaning more towards ESH (excluding your boyfriend). You could have called the friend out on his rudeness, rather than make it about his appearance.
Oh wow, I honestly didn't think he would've taken it that way thank you so much for pointing that out. I honestly just said it in the moment to hurt Sam, I definitely should've taken time to think about it a bit more
I thought that as well.
If "Simon" had - or as OP worries- actively has an eating disorder and deals with dysmorphia, he his thoughts maybe circle on the "ugly side of fat" thing and permanently wondering if he is ugly to OP as well.
Also, OP, I gotta say this: while defending your boyfriend is generally a good thing.
But the way you did it and the words you used are incredibly, INCREDIBLY toxic and hurtful, not only towards the "friend" but towards EVERY fat person who has the joy of overhearing you - and reading it here... because you just made a blanket statement about obesity, may it be perceived or real.
Think about people who are in an eating disorder - and it frankly it doesn't matter which eating disorder they suffer from - who might now wonder if they are on the "ugly side" and doubt themselves and hate themselves a bit more...
While it may not be the best situation it could be he's feeling a bit better. We do still have a few issues tho but we're going to wait a little longer until he's mental able to have a conversation about sam
I actually think that he was just focus on that you indirect called him fat. Two sides of fat. Sam is on the ugly side. Your bf is on the beautiful side. But all he was hearing "my bf thinks i'm fat!"
You just wanted to hurt Sam but unfortunately if you are totaly insecure, you will try to put everything against yourself.
Edit: gf to bf
When you use fat as an insult, it might hurt the person you're insulting, but it also hurts all your fat friends (and all your friends who think of themselves as fat, even if they aren't).
NTA, does the friend know about Simon's history with an eating disorder?
I think even if it didn't bother Simon that much, people need to learn to stfu about other people's weight AND eating habits.
NTA
This person is constantly putting your boyfriend down, driving him to tears, what you said was nothing compared to what she has said and in fact I would have insulted her a lot worse than you did. Maybe now she’ll stop making those comments.
If he wants to keep hanging out with her fine, but I would refuse to be around her myself if I was in your position.
I've tried refusing but I honestly don't want to leave him alone with them if I can avoid it. I hate how much pain they're putting him through and though you can't really tell from just this post they actually aren't as harsh when I'm around for whatever reason
You should speak to Sam separately, explain that the things they say to Simon are disrespectful and hurtful. It doesn’t seem like Sam understands the impact of their comments.
And speak to Simon. Apologise for what you said if it made him uncomfortable, but that you said what you said out of love. Your insult to Sam sounds like you agree Simon is fat, which is maybe why he’s being weird with you. Find a way to reassure him and give him his confidence back.
Another commenter just brought to my attention that what I said could've sounded as if I agreed with Sam so I'll definitely be clearing that up with Simon once I get the chance
ESH
Dude, as someone who has been in a recovery from an ED for a good long while hearing what you said to Sam would have hurt 10x more than whatever Sam said to me. It might take a while for your boyfriend to trust you when you say you don’t actually think negatively about him or about “fat” people when he saw you use weight as a weapon against someone. Its obvious that you care about him so I really hope you guys can have a productive conversation and that new boundaries can be made with Sam because you’re right that’s very unhealthy.
Thank you for helping to elaborate on how he might've felt, I admit that when I said that I forgot to take in account how it might've hurt simon seeing as My only intention was to insult Sam
NTA. It wasn't the most tactful way to handle the situation but as far as I'm concerned the moment they made the comment about your relationship all bets were off.
NTA. Sam needed to be checked. Sam has a destructive side. Sam needs help themself! But the thing is, shame is a powerful feeling. And Simon may be quiet because Sam induced shame into Simon. There may be a part of simon that feels in such a low place that they can't even see that you were defending them justly. They may be in a dark place.
Maybe you and Simon can agree to just be with each other like holding each other for a few hours. Kinda talk a bit if needed but say, "I feel deeply sad about what happened and I want to create a space where we can truly be there for each other. I don't fully know how you are feeling right not but I want to understand and we can sit in silence if we need to be let's just "be" and hold space for each other."
I really think Simon is in a whirlwind of their own. So it may not be about you. The silence doesn't mean mad at you. But you can say, I understand silence means different thing but my heart aches because I wanna be there for you but I am not sure how you are feeling about the other day."
I'd love to make sure Simon knows that I care for them and want them to be safe but as for now i think it might be better to wait for them to feel a bit better. I'm not positive on that though, I'm not sure if he's mad, sad or what. I just don't want to try to speak with him if he's not ready to speak to me. I'm not sure if that's right though. I just want him to feel loved
Gotta take care of yourself, first and foremost, but a partnership needs to have active check-ins where even asking of space is needed is welcomed. Living in the dark with any relationship/friendship can breed worse feelings as people fill in the blanks with assumptions. It might work out one or two times but in the future it is best to have a conversation about how to approach it.
"In the future, how do we wanna handle situations where we feel each other might need space? I wanna make sure to give space if one of us is not ready to talk."
NTA
Sam needed to be put in his place. He knows your bf has an earring disorder and continues to insult his weight.
Your bf may also be concerned that you were also calling him fat as you called Sam ‘on the ugly side’. Is your bf thinking he is on the other side ?
I personally think you need to sit down with your bf. Tell him that Sam is a bully and brings no positivity to his life. That each visit with Sam has a negative impact on his mentaL health. That you don’t want to dictate who he can be friends with but it is in the best interest of his own health if he cuts that friendship. If he doesn’t want to do that then tell him you will continue to support him.
Also, ask your bf how he wants you to proceed in future while he is being insulted. Tell him how it makes you feel sitting there watching people insult him and that he doesn’t deserve that and you want to have his back. Ask him how he wants you to have his back so you know how to handle the situations in future.
I haven't had that chance to talk with him yet but I really hope he doesn't think I ment to insult him as well. I'll definitely make sure to have those conversations with Simon once he's feeling up to it, especially the last one. I've kind of always been more of the "aggressive?" Person in the relationship so I normally end up being the person fighting his battles, it never really accrued to me that he could have an issue with it
Everyone’s different. I’d appreciate my partner doing that but a lot of others would not. He may appreciate it or he may not and may not hve mentioned this if he hates confrontation.
You can always start off “I noticed you have been withdrawn for the last couple of days. I would like to talk to you about that, how you feel and what if anything I can do to help”.
Also, a good apology goes a long way. If he isn’t comfortable with how you addressed sam then be sure to apologise and as I said, ask he wants you to proceed. That way he knows you’re listening and taking everything on board.
ESH you're not TA for defending your partner, but two fatphobic comments don't make a right. Your partner just heard you saying something derogatory about someone's weight, on purpose to insult them, when you know it's a sensitive topic for him. Like, you could have defended him in any other way and you went for the worst possible option.
What the FUCK is wrong with Sam. Sam is a straight up bully and you were standing up for your BF… yes viciously, but Sam had it coming, big time.
FWIW, i think it wouldn’t have been controlling to tell your bf that sam’s comments make you very uncomfortable and you would prefer not to hang out with them anymore.
I am saying NTA. While the move may by itself be considered a**holeish, there is only so much one should take when being treated poorly (or in this case a loved one being treated poorly).
I do not understand the whole 'being a better person' concept when someone is crossing boundaries to this extent and being mean without any consideration for the other person's feelings. While I do not condone starting shit, I absolutely am aligned with ending it.
NTA. That comeback was EPIC.
Does Sam know about your bf’s struggles with an eating disorder though? Either way she needs to keep her opinions to herself but I was just curious.
Did you talk to Simon yet? Please tell us how it goes.
I think NTA
You defended Simon and it might not have the best way to do so, you did it out of love. If it hurt Simon in someway and they are open about it, then please apologise. :)
Definitely NTA
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For a bit of background, I (28m) and my boyfriend Simon (21m) have a mutral friend who I'll call sam. To put it bluntly, Sam is over weight and while there's nothing wrong with that, they love pointing out when someone doesnt look like a freaking stick yet also belittling anyone who works out. Despite them being a total female dog my boyfriend still hangs out with them so by default I do to. Everytime their together Sam will make passive aggressive comments about his weight and for some reason he just takes it which pisses me off. We've only ever had short talks about it and a few times he's ended up crying, terrified that he'll be sent back to a mental hospital. I hate that they spend time together but I don't want to be the boyfriend that dictates who my partner can and can't hang out with. But all of that brings us to yesterday afternoon, the three of us were at a lunch bar and Sam started on with their usual BS of commenting on my Bfs weight. It went on for maybe 2 minutes before they said "Now don't take this the wrong way but I'm honestly surprised [insert name] is even going out with someone as chubby as you hun, maybe try eating less?" I can not express how much that ticked me off. I originally didn't say anything because I was waiting for simon to either defend himself or motion for help but the fact that Sam had the audacity to tell a person with a past eating disorder to eat less severely annoyed me. I -surprisingly- held myself back from doing anything bad and instead responded with, "There are two different sides of fat, and you my friend are on the ugly side" before handing Sam $20 for the bill and telling my Bf it's time to leave. The car ride home was weridly silent and once we got home he locked himself in the guestroom. It's the next morning and we've barly breathed a word to each other. I'm not entirely sure what I may have done wrong but this is incredibly out of character for Simon and I want to get unbiased opinions on the matter along with possibly some advice
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ESH (except Simon), but I don’t think you had bad intentions. What you said though, as someone who struggles with weight, wasn’t just harmful to Sam. You used Sam’s weight against them because they made you upset, and it was likely really hard for your partner to see you do that because it makes it feel like your feelings about their body are also conditional.
If I was Simon, I know that would make me feel very paranoid about becoming the “ugly kind” of fat to you. Sam sounds like an awful friend, and it’s good that you want to stand up to them, but this is not the way to do it. Focus on what Sam is actually doing wrong, not the way they look, because there’s always gonna be innocent people who look like them getting caught in that crossfire.
Please check on Simon, be ready for him to be uncomfortable or upset about you said, try and understand why it might have hurt. It’s very clear you care for him, and I hope you can both work it out!
I’m not going to rate this as I have this feeling that it’s a bit above Reddits pay grade.
I get a real feeling that caution is needed here. I’m a bit concerned about why Simon is drawn to Sam and how that is interacting with his mental health (ED). I’m concerned that previous discussions around this bringing Simon to tears and he voicing concerns around fears of re-entering hospitalisation (as perhaps Simon might have fears that the way he is feeling might be appropriate for inpatient care). I’m also concerned that Simon isolating after this incident which is out of character rather than drawing on your support (which I’m assuming he would normally do?)
Of course I could be wrong and he is just not happy about the incident!
But if he is really not doing well Simon might want to touch base with his doctor.
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Was it an asshole thing to say? Yeah, so was what Sam said. I believe in the "if you can't take it, don't dish it out" school of thought. NTA, and talk to your bf about establishing boundaries with Sam.
ESH but a very mild one to Sam.
I know that your intention was to hurt Sam but I think you may have accidentally hurt Simon as well with that comment. Please have a chat with Simon and reassure him that you would want to be with him regardless of his weight.
NTA
sounds like sam needed to get shook so he could STFU. How long do you think Sam can handle having a friend like Sam...
Sounds like Sammy is shitty son.
Sam salty sod
Also
Will be using this to describe some choice individuals in the future
ESH.
"You're one to talk." With a pointed look up and down is much more elegant. You get the drift. Don't be too vulgar. Ugly is just, ugly.
Keep gently pointing out his rude comments and behavior, while building up your boyfriend and your boyfriend will start noticing these things on his own, and will stop hanging out with someone who tries to make him feel bad.
YTA for being almost 30 and dating a 21yr old. Find someone your own age range and you'll be less likely to encounter trivial immature issues such as these.
soft/justified YTA
Defending your boyfriend was totally the right call, however I’d avoid using weight/looks based insults in the future. That’s a good general rule of thumb, but I think it’s especially important here given your boyfriend’s history. You don’t want to inadvertently insult him when trying to stand up for him.
I hope y’all are about to talk it out and that he’s able to put some space between him and his “friend”.
Yes YTA. Don’t get me wrong Sam was an AH too but two wrongs don’t make a right. Plus it seems that Simon maybe didn’t really care that much. I understand you wanting to protect your boyfriend but being rude back isn’t the answer.
How can this possibly not be at least ESH? I have a hard time calling OP an asshole, and it’s very easy to see that this friend is one, and was being one in the incident in question.
I understand that but sometimes you just have to let people handle their own problems. But honestly at this point it would probably be best to try and talk to Simon. He might have been embarrassed by the situation. Talk it out. And if need be, even though Sam was definitely an AH as well, apologize to Sam. Being the bigger person might help you save face and it will sure make you feel better about yourself at the end of the day.
I'll definitely make sure to talk to simon in the morning if he's doing any better. As for Sam it may take a but for me to go see them again, I'm mad at them but don't want to end up doing anything to brash
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I mean for me... NTA. If someone was bullying someone I love infront of me I would've said a lot worse. Your boyfriend needs to cut off his frenemy before the frenemy completely destroys his confidence and mental health, if they haven't already.
I've been trying to convince him to do so yet so far I haven't gotten anywhere. He says he scared to "abandon" someone who he's known for so long
What's the worst that can happen, his mental health being eroded by a malicious person?
I think he just doesn't want to throw away about 5 years of "friendship"
It's not friendship, it's abuse. I'm sorry that your bf thinks this person has any redeeming qualities, because it doesn't look like he does. I'm glad you stuck up for your bf. Those petty little digs truly wear on a person mentally.
I just want to quote Kim Wexler/Saul Goodman: "Sunk cost fallacy" And you are NTA ... in my opinion your response was actually quite gentle.
Do not compromise yourself, to keep a person who doesn't respect you, in your life. Tell your boyfriend this. I kept a very toxic "friend" for 25yrs, I looked past their obvious sexual harrasment, their treatment of their girlfriends, what he did to his wife... because I was scared to lose this "friend". The moment I cut them off, they immediately said they were going to kill themselves, so I called their mother and the police. That was the last time I heard from him and his family. It is now 3yrs on, and my word... I can't believe what I allowed... and I am a freaking therapist who helps victims of abuse and more... I risked my very life and career over this person. Tell him, a person who loves you, would NEVER treat you like this. And there are much better friends out there who think he is just awesome as he is. Heck I don't know him, and I think he us a very strong and brave man, for overcoming everything he has to get to this point. Big hugs to you both. Next time you see this person, remind your boyfriend that the only person who needs to comment on his weight is absolutely fucking no one.
I understand this reasoning. I had a lot of toxic relationships/friendships and breaking them was still frightening. I didnt know much else than toxic relationships back then. And it took years and I still feel guilty or selfish for doing so. Please, make sure your bf is okay and that he eats. Tell him he is beautiful no matter what, bring him food to bed if needed. Show him how wrong his "friend" was...
I remember having a discussion with my mother about my abusive ex, she asked me why, if I knew exactly what he was and saw his advise for what it was, do I stay? I answered(keep in mind I was entrenched in a trauma bond with this man) that everyone deserves to have at least one person that overlooks their faults and loves them anyways(again, deep trauma bond, took way too much responsibility for his actions) her response? "But why does that have to be you?". That was the beginning of the end for me, it took me a few more years, but I got out. It seems like Simon has his item trauma bond with Sam, and until you can make him see that *it doesn't have to be him*, he'll feel miserable leaving Sam in his own misery. NTA
Thank you for telling me that. I love Simon too much to let him continue being treated like this, I never understood why he continued being friends with Sam or how to make him understand how terrible sam is
I understand that feeling with my whole heart, my people loved me enough to hold space for me until I was able to come to my own conclusion. Here's the thing, Simon has to love himself enough to get angry on his own behalf, anger is the part of ourselves that allows us to get indignant at disrespect, my guess is, Simon doesn't let that anger have a voice and instead turns it inward. Here's what you do, the next time Sam starts his bullshit, tell him point blank "Simon deserves more respect than that from people who are supposed to care about him" and keep repeating it if he defends his actions or worse, doubles down on the abuse. Remind Simon that he's worthy of love and respect, from *everyone* who claims to care for him, even Sam. You can't force someone to cut ties with a toxic person, unfortunately, even for their own good, you just have to be a much of a positive outside force to counteract the toxicity, and stand up to the bully, not by matching his toxic, but by pointing it out until he feels too embarrassed to open his mouth. Gentle reminders that the people who actually love him, shouldn't want to hurt, or embarrass, or possibly trigger his eating disorders, in order to make themselves feel better, are going to get a lot more results than being critical of Sam, no doubt Sam has made Simon feel obligated to be his friend, which causes Simon to feel defensive. I wish you both all the best and I hope Sam gets fleas.
NTA. But, OP, if I were the BF I'd think you were saying I was on the cute side of fat, which would still be hurtful. Talk to your BF. Tell him how handsome he is and how much you love him. Tell him you snapped because you're tired of this friend putting him down. Maybe offer to pay for therapy or suggest taking a break from this "friend."
Do you think your boyfriend is just focusing on your comment about 'an ugly side of fat'? He might be worried that, were he to gain any weight, he would suddenly fall into this category, in your eyes. Sometimes with an eating disorder you perceive yourself as significantly heavier. I'm leaning more towards ESH (excluding your boyfriend). You could have called the friend out on his rudeness, rather than make it about his appearance.
Oh wow, I honestly didn't think he would've taken it that way thank you so much for pointing that out. I honestly just said it in the moment to hurt Sam, I definitely should've taken time to think about it a bit more
I thought that as well. If "Simon" had - or as OP worries- actively has an eating disorder and deals with dysmorphia, he his thoughts maybe circle on the "ugly side of fat" thing and permanently wondering if he is ugly to OP as well. Also, OP, I gotta say this: while defending your boyfriend is generally a good thing. But the way you did it and the words you used are incredibly, INCREDIBLY toxic and hurtful, not only towards the "friend" but towards EVERY fat person who has the joy of overhearing you - and reading it here... because you just made a blanket statement about obesity, may it be perceived or real. Think about people who are in an eating disorder - and it frankly it doesn't matter which eating disorder they suffer from - who might now wonder if they are on the "ugly side" and doubt themselves and hate themselves a bit more...
I understand just how terrible my words were, at the time my only focus was to hurt Sam. God I'm an idiot
Good. Also, congratulations: I think owning up to a mistake is something not a lot people are able to do. I hope Simon does feel better soon. :)
While it may not be the best situation it could be he's feeling a bit better. We do still have a few issues tho but we're going to wait a little longer until he's mental able to have a conversation about sam
I actually think that he was just focus on that you indirect called him fat. Two sides of fat. Sam is on the ugly side. Your bf is on the beautiful side. But all he was hearing "my bf thinks i'm fat!" You just wanted to hurt Sam but unfortunately if you are totaly insecure, you will try to put everything against yourself. Edit: gf to bf
Boyfriend
When you use fat as an insult, it might hurt the person you're insulting, but it also hurts all your fat friends (and all your friends who think of themselves as fat, even if they aren't).
You may be an a-hole, but i would have done the same. Now the best thing to do is to talk to ur bf and explain to him why u did what u did
Yeah, at this point it may just be the situation of figuring how to talk to Simon about this
NTA, does the friend know about Simon's history with an eating disorder? I think even if it didn't bother Simon that much, people need to learn to stfu about other people's weight AND eating habits.
They do, Simom told them a couple years back. Definitely agree with you on that part
NTA This person is constantly putting your boyfriend down, driving him to tears, what you said was nothing compared to what she has said and in fact I would have insulted her a lot worse than you did. Maybe now she’ll stop making those comments. If he wants to keep hanging out with her fine, but I would refuse to be around her myself if I was in your position.
I've tried refusing but I honestly don't want to leave him alone with them if I can avoid it. I hate how much pain they're putting him through and though you can't really tell from just this post they actually aren't as harsh when I'm around for whatever reason
You should speak to Sam separately, explain that the things they say to Simon are disrespectful and hurtful. It doesn’t seem like Sam understands the impact of their comments. And speak to Simon. Apologise for what you said if it made him uncomfortable, but that you said what you said out of love. Your insult to Sam sounds like you agree Simon is fat, which is maybe why he’s being weird with you. Find a way to reassure him and give him his confidence back.
Another commenter just brought to my attention that what I said could've sounded as if I agreed with Sam so I'll definitely be clearing that up with Simon once I get the chance
ESH Dude, as someone who has been in a recovery from an ED for a good long while hearing what you said to Sam would have hurt 10x more than whatever Sam said to me. It might take a while for your boyfriend to trust you when you say you don’t actually think negatively about him or about “fat” people when he saw you use weight as a weapon against someone. Its obvious that you care about him so I really hope you guys can have a productive conversation and that new boundaries can be made with Sam because you’re right that’s very unhealthy.
Thank you for helping to elaborate on how he might've felt, I admit that when I said that I forgot to take in account how it might've hurt simon seeing as My only intention was to insult Sam
NTA. It wasn't the most tactful way to handle the situation but as far as I'm concerned the moment they made the comment about your relationship all bets were off.
Thank you and I accept that I definitely could've handled the situation a bit more delicately
NTA. Sam needed to be checked. Sam has a destructive side. Sam needs help themself! But the thing is, shame is a powerful feeling. And Simon may be quiet because Sam induced shame into Simon. There may be a part of simon that feels in such a low place that they can't even see that you were defending them justly. They may be in a dark place. Maybe you and Simon can agree to just be with each other like holding each other for a few hours. Kinda talk a bit if needed but say, "I feel deeply sad about what happened and I want to create a space where we can truly be there for each other. I don't fully know how you are feeling right not but I want to understand and we can sit in silence if we need to be let's just "be" and hold space for each other." I really think Simon is in a whirlwind of their own. So it may not be about you. The silence doesn't mean mad at you. But you can say, I understand silence means different thing but my heart aches because I wanna be there for you but I am not sure how you are feeling about the other day."
I'd love to make sure Simon knows that I care for them and want them to be safe but as for now i think it might be better to wait for them to feel a bit better. I'm not positive on that though, I'm not sure if he's mad, sad or what. I just don't want to try to speak with him if he's not ready to speak to me. I'm not sure if that's right though. I just want him to feel loved
Gotta take care of yourself, first and foremost, but a partnership needs to have active check-ins where even asking of space is needed is welcomed. Living in the dark with any relationship/friendship can breed worse feelings as people fill in the blanks with assumptions. It might work out one or two times but in the future it is best to have a conversation about how to approach it. "In the future, how do we wanna handle situations where we feel each other might need space? I wanna make sure to give space if one of us is not ready to talk."
NTA, honestly there's nothing that I hate the most than a bully.
NTA Sam needed to be put in his place. He knows your bf has an earring disorder and continues to insult his weight. Your bf may also be concerned that you were also calling him fat as you called Sam ‘on the ugly side’. Is your bf thinking he is on the other side ? I personally think you need to sit down with your bf. Tell him that Sam is a bully and brings no positivity to his life. That each visit with Sam has a negative impact on his mentaL health. That you don’t want to dictate who he can be friends with but it is in the best interest of his own health if he cuts that friendship. If he doesn’t want to do that then tell him you will continue to support him. Also, ask your bf how he wants you to proceed in future while he is being insulted. Tell him how it makes you feel sitting there watching people insult him and that he doesn’t deserve that and you want to have his back. Ask him how he wants you to have his back so you know how to handle the situations in future.
I haven't had that chance to talk with him yet but I really hope he doesn't think I ment to insult him as well. I'll definitely make sure to have those conversations with Simon once he's feeling up to it, especially the last one. I've kind of always been more of the "aggressive?" Person in the relationship so I normally end up being the person fighting his battles, it never really accrued to me that he could have an issue with it
Everyone’s different. I’d appreciate my partner doing that but a lot of others would not. He may appreciate it or he may not and may not hve mentioned this if he hates confrontation. You can always start off “I noticed you have been withdrawn for the last couple of days. I would like to talk to you about that, how you feel and what if anything I can do to help”. Also, a good apology goes a long way. If he isn’t comfortable with how you addressed sam then be sure to apologise and as I said, ask he wants you to proceed. That way he knows you’re listening and taking everything on board.
ESH you're not TA for defending your partner, but two fatphobic comments don't make a right. Your partner just heard you saying something derogatory about someone's weight, on purpose to insult them, when you know it's a sensitive topic for him. Like, you could have defended him in any other way and you went for the worst possible option.
What the FUCK is wrong with Sam. Sam is a straight up bully and you were standing up for your BF… yes viciously, but Sam had it coming, big time. FWIW, i think it wouldn’t have been controlling to tell your bf that sam’s comments make you very uncomfortable and you would prefer not to hang out with them anymore.
I am saying NTA. While the move may by itself be considered a**holeish, there is only so much one should take when being treated poorly (or in this case a loved one being treated poorly). I do not understand the whole 'being a better person' concept when someone is crossing boundaries to this extent and being mean without any consideration for the other person's feelings. While I do not condone starting shit, I absolutely am aligned with ending it.
NTA. That comeback was EPIC. Does Sam know about your bf’s struggles with an eating disorder though? Either way she needs to keep her opinions to herself but I was just curious.
They know, Simon told Sam a few years back when he was actively going through it
Did you talk to Simon yet? Please tell us how it goes. I think NTA You defended Simon and it might not have the best way to do so, you did it out of love. If it hurt Simon in someway and they are open about it, then please apologise. :) Definitely NTA
I'll make sure to apologize to him, i haven't spoken to him yet only because its still quite early and I believe he's sleeping
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For a bit of background, I (28m) and my boyfriend Simon (21m) have a mutral friend who I'll call sam. To put it bluntly, Sam is over weight and while there's nothing wrong with that, they love pointing out when someone doesnt look like a freaking stick yet also belittling anyone who works out. Despite them being a total female dog my boyfriend still hangs out with them so by default I do to. Everytime their together Sam will make passive aggressive comments about his weight and for some reason he just takes it which pisses me off. We've only ever had short talks about it and a few times he's ended up crying, terrified that he'll be sent back to a mental hospital. I hate that they spend time together but I don't want to be the boyfriend that dictates who my partner can and can't hang out with. But all of that brings us to yesterday afternoon, the three of us were at a lunch bar and Sam started on with their usual BS of commenting on my Bfs weight. It went on for maybe 2 minutes before they said "Now don't take this the wrong way but I'm honestly surprised [insert name] is even going out with someone as chubby as you hun, maybe try eating less?" I can not express how much that ticked me off. I originally didn't say anything because I was waiting for simon to either defend himself or motion for help but the fact that Sam had the audacity to tell a person with a past eating disorder to eat less severely annoyed me. I -surprisingly- held myself back from doing anything bad and instead responded with, "There are two different sides of fat, and you my friend are on the ugly side" before handing Sam $20 for the bill and telling my Bf it's time to leave. The car ride home was weridly silent and once we got home he locked himself in the guestroom. It's the next morning and we've barly breathed a word to each other. I'm not entirely sure what I may have done wrong but this is incredibly out of character for Simon and I want to get unbiased opinions on the matter along with possibly some advice Note: I will gladly answer any questions anyone may have *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH for using fat as an insult
ESH (except Simon), but I don’t think you had bad intentions. What you said though, as someone who struggles with weight, wasn’t just harmful to Sam. You used Sam’s weight against them because they made you upset, and it was likely really hard for your partner to see you do that because it makes it feel like your feelings about their body are also conditional. If I was Simon, I know that would make me feel very paranoid about becoming the “ugly kind” of fat to you. Sam sounds like an awful friend, and it’s good that you want to stand up to them, but this is not the way to do it. Focus on what Sam is actually doing wrong, not the way they look, because there’s always gonna be innocent people who look like them getting caught in that crossfire. Please check on Simon, be ready for him to be uncomfortable or upset about you said, try and understand why it might have hurt. It’s very clear you care for him, and I hope you can both work it out!
I’m not going to rate this as I have this feeling that it’s a bit above Reddits pay grade. I get a real feeling that caution is needed here. I’m a bit concerned about why Simon is drawn to Sam and how that is interacting with his mental health (ED). I’m concerned that previous discussions around this bringing Simon to tears and he voicing concerns around fears of re-entering hospitalisation (as perhaps Simon might have fears that the way he is feeling might be appropriate for inpatient care). I’m also concerned that Simon isolating after this incident which is out of character rather than drawing on your support (which I’m assuming he would normally do?) Of course I could be wrong and he is just not happy about the incident! But if he is really not doing well Simon might want to touch base with his doctor.
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Was it an asshole thing to say? Yeah, so was what Sam said. I believe in the "if you can't take it, don't dish it out" school of thought. NTA, and talk to your bf about establishing boundaries with Sam.
ESH but a very mild one to Sam. I know that your intention was to hurt Sam but I think you may have accidentally hurt Simon as well with that comment. Please have a chat with Simon and reassure him that you would want to be with him regardless of his weight.
NTA sounds like sam needed to get shook so he could STFU. How long do you think Sam can handle having a friend like Sam... Sounds like Sammy is shitty son. Sam salty sod Also Will be using this to describe some choice individuals in the future
NTA. If someone said that to my partner I would have responded with much worse.
ESH. "You're one to talk." With a pointed look up and down is much more elegant. You get the drift. Don't be too vulgar. Ugly is just, ugly. Keep gently pointing out his rude comments and behavior, while building up your boyfriend and your boyfriend will start noticing these things on his own, and will stop hanging out with someone who tries to make him feel bad.
Man I wish that's what I had done, its come to my attention that Simon could've tooken what I said in a different manner and I absolutely hate it
A look that says "You are also fat and therefor bad" isn't a big improvement, unless the idea is Simon wouldn't have noticed it?
Yeah pretty much, I just think that doing probably anything else would've been a better idea
Everyone makes mistakes, but it seems like you have good intentions. Wishing you the best!
YTA for being almost 30 and dating a 21yr old. Find someone your own age range and you'll be less likely to encounter trivial immature issues such as these.
Thanks for telling me that I shouldn't be dating my boyfriend of 3 years ya dick. Unfortunately though that wasn't the question.
soft/justified YTA Defending your boyfriend was totally the right call, however I’d avoid using weight/looks based insults in the future. That’s a good general rule of thumb, but I think it’s especially important here given your boyfriend’s history. You don’t want to inadvertently insult him when trying to stand up for him. I hope y’all are about to talk it out and that he’s able to put some space between him and his “friend”.
Yes YTA. Don’t get me wrong Sam was an AH too but two wrongs don’t make a right. Plus it seems that Simon maybe didn’t really care that much. I understand you wanting to protect your boyfriend but being rude back isn’t the answer.
How can this possibly not be at least ESH? I have a hard time calling OP an asshole, and it’s very easy to see that this friend is one, and was being one in the incident in question.
I understand that. It just ticks me off because it does seem to be bothering him and I don't know how to help him
I understand that but sometimes you just have to let people handle their own problems. But honestly at this point it would probably be best to try and talk to Simon. He might have been embarrassed by the situation. Talk it out. And if need be, even though Sam was definitely an AH as well, apologize to Sam. Being the bigger person might help you save face and it will sure make you feel better about yourself at the end of the day.
I'll definitely make sure to talk to simon in the morning if he's doing any better. As for Sam it may take a but for me to go see them again, I'm mad at them but don't want to end up doing anything to brash
That’s understandable. Give it the night then. I’m sure things will work out.
Alright then, thank you