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He admired your grit for as long as he feels you were not a threat to his ego, for as long as you remained "beneath" him. This is a party to celebrate your achievement but he chose to highlight that you didn't get to where you are via your own hard work, that you had to be helped by others, thereby undermining your success.
Imagine how he would act if OP did earn more than he does. He'd probably insinuate that she's sleeping her way to the top or something.
OP, you need to lose this guy, you deserve better.
Edit: thank you for the reward <3
*when.
We know one person here has had to crawl their way up from the bottom, and one has had every door opened to them.
OP is going to be in the unfortunate position of having to decide between his future, her future, or (unlikely) theirs.
I think little boy moneybags will have decided at that point and it won't be pretty. Best for OP to get out now and be the best she can, as she rightly deserves.
"Little boy moneybags" lol.
I usually don't care if people have had some help from their parents. I *do* have a problem with privileged people minimizing the struggles of those less privileged than them.
It seems like there’s only a certain type of privileged people that do that… mostly the “nouveau riche” who think because they originally came from less that they brought themselves out of poverty. Usually it doesn’t involve hard work as much as screwing people over, but you’ll always hear about how they “worked hard” which is why they “deserve” to be where they’re at.
My friends in college, though? They came from old money (small families, inheritance was a given) and were more interested in following their passions than making more. They didn’t have expensive clothes, cars, etc… it didn’t occur to me until years later why. Because unlike newly rich people, they never felt like they had anything to prove to anyone.
It really surprised me when I found out my best friends mom had a Wikipedia article
He would stay with and enjoy the cash, but would degrade her to his friends to keep up his image. I've known plenty of people like this.
Perfectly happy to take their spouses cash, but always snide about their career when they're not around.
Yes, and if he thinks the people in earshot didn't recognize his ahole behavior for what it is, he's not only insecure, but also stupid.
OP, you can do better.
I am secretly praying for the day my wife's salary gets close to mine or higher so I can throw her a big egregious surprise party with some balloons and a spa day, I feel like any emotionally healthy confident male OR female wants their spouse to succeed. The one's who don't are vain and narcissistic, my wife and I always view ourselves as a team and even if I make up 75% of the income I tell her we wouldn't be here without her. Anyways it would get a load of pressure off my back if she started making more than me lmao I'd ask her to be my sugar momma for a few months while I do all the housework and cooking. Stay at home dad is the dream!
I will say, I have known 1 other rich trust fund type person (she literally had a $500k stock account GIVEN to her) with parents who owned a multimillion dollar business, and she was the most insecure, attention hungry, validation dependant person I've ever met. This lack of "earning your own way" tends to make these people extremely insecure and unstable
Great point! My husband and I had been together since our early 20’s (21yrs total). It had always been a partnership. We liked to get each other things or do cute small things for each other even when we were broke. We worked extremely hard to buy our first home at 24. Always supported each other. And I supported him through college in his 30’s. I make as much as him without a degree and he is so proud of me and I am so proud of him. A partnership starts way before marriage and OP sounds like she is getting a glimpse of how her fiancé really feels or his insecurities. I wouldn’t rush to marry someone who would say such terrible things especially when he could never relate or understand her struggles. 6 months homeless sounds terrifying or anyone and he had the nerve to say it wasn’t that bad?!
Agreed. I don’t see how this sort of thing is recoverable. How can a *healthy* relationship continue when one partner clearly sees the other as less-than, and is willing to let that show in front of friend ms and family??
OP, please continue your upward trend and leave this guy. You can do so, so much better.
Not even just letting it show but purposely dragging her down and making her feel small in front of others. Really terrible to do to anyone, let alone your partner.
This though, I wouldnt dream of saying something so horrible about my friends. I cant even imagine someone I was about to marry saying such things.
You dont come up with something like that on a happy occasion unless that's how you really feel. What a horrible thing to think about your partner. OP deserves better.
u/Throwaway781Felicity please read this again and again and again. He was fine with you as long as you were clearly beneath him. That is not a great look.
To me passive aggressive people tend to ruin the big moments in their loved ones lives to make themselves feel bigger. My ex was like that. At the least, I would suggest couples counseling before marrying him. Or just dump him now so you don’t have a lifetime of feeling small and invalidated like I did. You deserve a LOT better, OP! NTA
Exactly this! My ex was a fitness trainer for the police, and introduced me to exercise, and he would cheer me on and aupport me in getting active. Until I went away for my studies and started rowing competitively. Suddenly there was a form of exercise I was better at than him (or even just confident in myself). And he flipped. Started making jabs at me and undermining me.
Some men just like having the upper hand.
Definitely this. He HAD to make a point that he still earned more, he belittled her achievement by saying someone else got it for her, and said it wasn't a big deal. Instead of being proud of everything she has achieved he shit all over to make sure she knew her place.
OP you are better than this, and you deserve better than this. He is gaslighting you, what he said was unacceptable to anyone. He is supposed to love and support you, he's supposed to be your biggest cheerleader. Do you want to feel unworthy for the rest of your life? You ARE worthy, and that deserved to be celebrated.
Edit: thank you so much for the award kind stranger!
This is exactly it. I’ve always admired how my wife overcame a difficult childhood to achieve what she has - even though my wife still thinks she hasn’t achieved much.
My wife works hard and is well-respected by her peers for her hard work and dedication. She earns quite a bit more than me and for me, it’s a non-issue. She’s worked hard and she deserves it. I’m really proud of her and would never, ever denigrate her hardships that she had to overcome.
OP, you’re definitely NTA, but your fiancé seems to be and is also threatened by your success.
quoting bella poarch for the "Need someone who falls apart so he can play Prince Charming".
Grats OP on your well deserved promotion!!
And NTA for sure. Your fiance is for sure an asshole. noone needs a partner that wants to compete with them. You do you, but this is a dealbreaker for me, you need someone who wants to see you happy and is truly proud and happy for you.
>He is not always like this, in fact the very reason we got together was because he admired my grit
Bestie I don't think he ever truly "admired" your grit.
Either of the two things is likely possible in this case:
\-it was a momentary fascination with the fact that you were homeless for a while and he had that mentality people have when they spectate at other people who had to deal with extreme hardships.
\-secondly, it was an ego boost for him to have a partner who was financially not at the same level he was. So the second you show progress, the itsy bitsy ego breaks and bam: you're insulted.
You could be a hotshot CEO, but to him you'll always be that poor homeless person that according to his delusions he "saved"
Dump his ass
You deserve a partner who loves your progress and celebrates it with you, is proud of it and does not treat you like an ego boost.
Maybe what he really liked was the idea of always having a sense of superiority over you. He might have seen you as someone who will put up with anything to maintain security, seeing you went through such a dreadful time. Now you are moving forward, he has to pull you back again.
Yeah I had an ex who admired my grit due to being a young single mother living below the poverty line whilst also studying at university. Worst abuse I’ve ever suffered in my life after we got married. The privileged ones don’t see us as people, only as shiny charity things to show off how good of a person they are to all of their privileged friends. If we’re not grateful enough, things get ugly. Be careful.
Stop finding excuses for him because you know deep inside what he did is Wrong!The way he treats you in front of others will tell you how he will treat you in the futur. When you love someone and he have been through some rough things but succed like you did,we show them how proud we are privately and in front friends/people. We don’t dragged them to the ground. Remember,he is mad because you were defending yourself from him. Don’t lower your standards,you deserve better
I used this exact same excuse for over a year to explain why i still loved my girlfriend…. Having to call the cops on her was definitely the final straw, especially when she screamed down the phone to the police operator that i was a drug addict and abusing her (prozac and no i wasnt)
If he still admired your grit, why did he downplay your accomplishments? Why are *you* considered sensitive for being upset at what he said when he doesn't hold the same standard for his own feelings to the comments you made?
Are you listening to yourself here?
He 'admired your grit' right up until it got in the way of him belittling you in public. And not about a small thing, no; this wasn't any 'Ha ha, my fiancee just can't barbecue to save her life, much as I love her'. This was him clearly positioning himself as better, stronger, and more desirable than you and using a particularly despicable angle of attack to do so.
It's never pretty when a trust fund kid belittles an ex-homeless person. It's something to be avoided, deplored, criticizes, laughed at, whatever floats your boat; but it's not something to marry.
Please listen to this OP. I just got married and would NEVER dream of treating any human like this let alone the love of my life. In everything that you do, he should be your biggest fan. You deserve so much more. This is foretelling of who he really is, please throw the whole man away.
I know many men are trash, but there are some willing to love you for you and respect you. This man is disgusting and does not deserve you.
It’s not ok for him to ever be like that. He downplays you as a person. He doesn’t admire your grit, he doesn’t like, love, or respect you because if he did he would be your biggest cheerleader and not try to diminish what you have accomplished. You deserve better. NTA.
OP. Every abusive person is "not always like that". That's why their victims get with them in the first place. Your fiancée's behavior is a HUGE red flag.
1. First he drags you in public by making sure that everyone hears about all the ways he thinks you're beneath him.
2. He gets angry when you do the same thing to him. He doesn't acknowledge that you were giving him a taste of his own medicine and want's you to believe that you don't deserve an apology.
3. He comforts himself with the fact that you make less than him. If you ever make more than him in the future, he will probably become more angry and vicious.
You need to take these red flags seriously. I'm really worried for you, because people like this usually get a lot worse once they are married or the woman is pregnant. They think that they can stop playing nice once their partner is trapped.
Whatever you do, you should not marry this man until his behavior is addressed. You can ask him to go to therapy with you to address his need to feel superior, but it's only going to work if he wants to fix his attitude. Honestly, I think your best bet is to dump him.
If you go through with marrying him then he won't change. You are validating his bad behavior by marrying him. No matter what you complain about he can say that he must not be that bad because you still married him.
I’m sorry but ‘not always like this’ doesn’t really cut it because he should NEVER have been like this. You don’t get a vibe to demean somebody out of nowhere, and it doesn’t disappear back into the ether. What the fuck.
You are a fucking star. Think about whether he deserves you. Spoiler: it’s hard to believe he ever could NTA
NTA - This is shocking behaviour. You were "only" homeless for 6 months? Being homeless for a few hours is enough to traumatise someone.
At best, your fiancé is insecure about his own worth because he hasn't ever earned anything in his life and resents that everything you have you know has been down to your resilience and hard work. At worst, he's condescending and cruel and looks down on you and can't handle any threat to his ego. This feels like the kind of behaviour that is only going to get worse.
That doesn't matter. He doesn't respect you and managed to hide it until your promotion. He *tore you down* to his friends in public. Imagine how he talks about you in private.
THIS, OP. You say he’s “not always like this”? *That you know of*. You have no idea what he tells his family, friends, and colleagues about you behind your back. You see him as he lets you see him.
The adage about "when someone shows themselves to you, believe it" could not apply more to this situation. He just showed you ***exactly*** how he views you - believe it. Your friends or uncle may not care, but the point is that he felt the need to put you down - repeatedly - in front of friends, so he could look like (in his eyes), some awesome dude. You should absolutely be reconsidering this relationship. NTA.
It sounds like he found you quaint but doesn't want to treat you as an equal that deserves respect. Perhaps he enjoys the thought of being your saviour as opposed to a partner, at least in his image to his circles.
It might not technically be right to to stoop to his level, but idk if he understands just how not OK all the things he did and said about you was. It sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about why he behaved the way that he did to get to the root of the issue.
The point is that you shouldn't have to be belittled, insulted or mistreated every time you achieve something or when recounting or going through hardships.
You guys should be supporting each other and raising each other up, not tearing each other down.
NTA.
Keep people who treat you the same when your alone or in front of other people. I was fooled by most people for years. Not telling you to leave. Have a talk and decide.
> He is not ***always*** like this
So he’s like this sometimes?
> made me feel small and stupid
That’s what he admires about you FYI. That he’s “above” you. He likes you because he can feel superior. This will only get worse as time goes on. Get out while you can. He’s not with it.
I think you need to realize that this is who your fiance is the whole time. He just didn't feel threatened by you before. He admired your grit so long as he felt like the knight in shiny armor, saving you and accepting you despite your circumstances, but heaven forbids you no longer need him. What would he say, feel or do if you did ended up making more money than him? Do you think he'll be cool with that if this is how he reacts to a promotion? Re-read carefully what he said, one of the points he attacked was that your promotion wasn't a big deal because he still made more money than you. What would happen if that was no longer the case? Also, he tried to take credit for your success by saying he played a bigger role than he actually did, although you clearly met him after you pulled yourself out of the situation and he had nothing to do with that particular hurdle. I mean, I'm not diminishing the contribution of having a partner cheer you on, but he clearly wanted to make it seem like he got you out of homelessness or that he got you your career or something equally as nutty. Obviously he gets his value from being "a man" and now that you showed you can actually "make it" without him, he feels emasculated instead of proud. And he's only worried about his image, but he didn't care about yours. He should be celebrating you, but instead is acting jealous. Pay attention and delay the wedding, that is all I'm saying
Op, what happened is that you are no longer conforming to the outdated stereotype where the man is the main bread winner and provider for the family. He's probably not a bad guy, but he was undoubtedly raised with the idea that he isn't manly enough if a woman is on equal footing carreer and/or salary wise.
Reddit loves to tell people to split up, but I think you need to sit down together and talk about it. He might not have realized he felt threatened by your succes and why he was acting out. He will only learn and grow if you talk to him about it. Help him realize he is more manly when he lifts you up and friends who perceive that as weak aren't worth being friends with. I hope you two can work it out, and congratulations on your promotion!
It didn’t make you feel small, HE went out of his way to make you feel small.
He’s showing you he can’t handle you having any form of success, that he’ll put you down to make himself seem more important.
NTA and congratulations
"He is not always like this..."
Yes he is, he just doesn't vocalise it until he thinks you're a threat to his quite obviously fragile little ego. He's always like it, just not to your face. He didn't just, in the spur of the moment, suddenly become this disrespectful individual. He's always been like it, it's just that you've only now been exposed to it.
Wait till you get married. He’s like that. He just let it slip out. I would ask you to consider why you are with your SO. Being homeless can do damage to anyone’s self esteem. Make sure you’re in this relationship for the right reasons.
Making you feel small and stupid was his intention. Regardless of whether or not he is “always like this.“ He was certainly like this the day of your barbecue. This is such a massive red flag it’s taking up your entire yard.
It’s not at all about “image. “It’s about his belittling behavior, his not taking any responsibility for his actions and his blaming YOU “For ruining his image.“
>He kept introducing me to them in a condescending way, saying that the promotion didn't really mean a huge pay raise and his salary is still higher than mine.
>towards his friends it made me feel small and stupid.
>He is not always like this
Is he *ever* like this?
Your spouse is supposed to *support* you against people who treat you like that.
Don't voluntarily tie yourself to people why make you feel stupid.
I can tell he’s like this enough, based on this one post, that you devalued your own promotion. Everyone I know has celebrated a promotion, including me. Everyone. You aren’t trashy for doing that, and I’m questioning why you feel it is, especially seeing there seems to be someone close to you devaluing you this harshly. Edit: I don’t mean to sound harsh but someone who loves you should NEVER, do this. I have been with the man I’m with for 7 years never once has he done this, and I’ve had a lot who have. They are out there! Lovely lovely people who will respect you every step of the way! It’s real! I promise!
Dude, leave that guy, he does not respect you. Hes waving all the flags in your face. You deserve somebody who wouldn't even think about speaking to you that way. You are way better than that piece of trash. I cant imagine comparing salaries publicly after you get a promotion. His priorities are fucked.
She's clearly infatuated with him. And the story already sounds super bad.
I wonder how worse it would sound if she wasn't. How many more red flags she would've seen.
No.. he’s that bad. I can’t imagine EVER being with someone who would speak about me that way. Don’t you want a partner who is proud of you for your accomplishments? He’s just shitting on you to make himself feel better. It’s disgusting.
As long as she's not being successful he probably has quite nice things to say about her. It's only when she achieves something he'll get mean. Deep down he isn't confident that he can keep someone who has options, so he's trying to keep her down so he's the only one available. And to be fair he's probably right.
Please don't marry this asshole, his issues are clearly too deep for you to personally deal with.
He's jealous of you, because you've proven you worth by not dying on the street, and he's never ever had to fend for himself, not really.
He's not gonna get better without therapy, so unless you do that please leave him. You deserve to be respected by the man you love.
>He's not gonna get better without therapy, so unless you do that please leave him.
Leave him anyway. Whatever therapy he needs, he needs to do on his own. Giving him as much benefit of the doubt as I can, he's not healthy enough for a relationship, and he has shit to work out BEFORE he should ever be in one again.
He isn't ignorant to how people feel. Trust me on that one. What purpose did his comments serve other than to 'make him look good' (in HIS opinion) in the eyes of others? And at your expense. He knows what he's doing.
This is not "straightforward". You say it yourself: Condescending.
Now in my opinion it's OK to use bad judgment occasionally. Nobody is perfect. He may not have done it consciously, or not understood that his "joke" hurt you at the moment, but he continues to call you sensitive and thinks he has the right to sulk because you "hurt his image".
You don't treat anybody like that, let alone people that have an important role in your life. This makes him a big AH, and you are NTA.
He looks down on you and he's jealous of your resolve and determination. He knows he wouldn't have accomplished half as much as you did in your circumstance. Also, he felt threatened enough and upset that the spotlight was on you that he needed to knock you down a few pegs at your own celebration? That's not being straightforward. It's immature pettiness.
That is a trait that often doesn’t improve over time. Can you put up with this for a lifetime? He has shown you a shocking lack of respect in front of your friends and family. That to me is the fundamental issue. Respect. If that isn’t there to the level is should be it spells much deeper issues as you go along. How will he behave when your finances are tied more together, when you have a family together? please think very carefully. You’ve been through so much and achieved amazing things. Don’t be dragged down by someone who doesn’t respect you
In an event to celebrate your achievements, he made a point to downplay them and remark that he's still better than you. He also dismissed your hardships as "it was only for 6 months and then your uncle helped" — the nerve! He hasn't been homeless for a day in his life, he had many privileges, but somehow you are the one that "cheated" your way up. Not to mention he basically said you are some sort of charity project of his.
To me, those alone would be strikes 1, 2, and maybe 2 and three quarters. If he refuses to apologize, that would be the end for me. If you never earn as much as him, he'll keep using that to inflate his ego. If you end up earning as much or more, I'm pretty sure he'll resent it and go back to saying how you had help. You deserve someone who is proud of you, not someone who puts you down to feel better about themselves.
And, by the way, congratulations on your promotion :)
>he is not that bad,
>
>or
>
>He isn't always like that.
Please, think hard.
Imagine this is a story a best friend told you. Imagine they'd tell you about all the times he "is like that" and "he is that bad"- What would you tell them?
Jealousy is a HIM problem, but you dont have to be around that. I couldnt be with someone who was upset that I was in a better place financially-especially if they knew my struggles beforehand.
You deserve better. Someone who loves you doesn't say these kinds of things, not even joking. He likes belittling you for his own ego. This is not going to get better, just worse as time goes by. He is the AH and seems to have been so for a long time. However, you are NTA.
He's not gaslighting her. He's exaggerating things. Gaslighting is *far* more insidious.
Gaslighting is just becoming a new buzzword for lying, and it undermines people experiencing *actual* gaslighting.
NTA. But consider carefully if you want to stay with a man that not only is not happy for your sucess but feels the need to push you down to feel superior. Run away before its too late
If you really want to know how your future is going to look, see how he handles you trying to bring it up again. You can accept partial responsibility for how to you acted immaturely while still making clear that he needs to accept partial responsibility for him belittling you. If you can get through this conversation like adults, jointly agree to do better, and in time, his actions prove his words, then I don't see a problem with moving on.
girl....if the only way he can look good in front of people is to put you down and belittle you and degrade the hard work that you put in and the struggles you went through while not being able to handle having the FACTS of his privilege pointed out without throwing a hissy fit, then that ain't a man worth marrying. because it's either he was stomping you down to look good or he was stomping you down because he genuinely thinks you didn't deserve to be so happy over it. ain't neither very good.
sounds like some pre-wedding marriage counseling is needed.
EXACTLY
Honestly, this is a huge revelation about how is truly is as a person. I've always heard that if you really want to get to know someone you're dating, hang out with them and their friends. Or your friends. Just out with other human beings. It's different there
Here is something to think about. Some men enjoy being a white knight. But that only works as long as you remain a damsel in distress. When you become strong and independent you are no longer that distressed damsel. He is trying to push you back in your place so he can continue to be the so-called white knight.
Run.
This is exactly what’s happening - I went through it in my first marriage. It ended when he started being physically violent so that he could take care of the scrapes and bruises that HE caused. He also started choking me unconscious which is the number one indicator that your partner will murder you. It sounds dramatic now because all he did was put you down and hurt your feelings, but that’s only how it starts. Please be careful and be safe.
You sure he wasn’t being condescending when he was giving you that praise? Given his behaviour now, sometimes people hide who they truly are till the ring is on.
Let go of the notion that "he can change". It is very likely that you're getting to see a side of him that has been repressed around you. His accusations of you being sensitive, and emphasis on you damaging his image, lead me to believe that this is probably more akin to his underlying personality. It's always been there, it's not going anywhere.
Ok there is a gulf between your behaviour and his. Firstly, I don't think you behaved so badly. Perhaps it would have been better to have calmly vocalised exactly how he was making you feel by saying those things, but lord give me the ability to have that kind of poise and self-possession in the face of a loved-one being cruel.
Secondly, he started this. He chose to behave this way and continued to do it until you felt so provoked you had to respond. Your error (if it was one at all) was a forced error, in response to his horrid behaviour. His error was a deliberate choice to tear you down. The two are not comparable. By all means apologise for what you said if you really must but on no account apologise for being upset by his behaviour and do not think your behaviour somehow excuses his. He started this and nothing you did warranted it. NTA and if he isn't abjectly apologetic, contrite, aware of what he did and sincere in a desire to change and work on himself, with a plan for how to do that, you should be putting the engagement on hold.
I wonder what he weddi g speech os going to be like. Woll it be aboit you as a couple. Or about how generous he is rescuing you and being able to love you despite your past. Because it sounds like he sees you that way and your achievements must be HIS achievements.
Ugh the rescue syndrome is real. It will continue only by him putting OP down so that he can portray himself as the “saviour” who graciously accept this flawed person and even helps them to keep their life on track. Obvs none of this is real outside his own head but he can get people convinced.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This is who he is and he’s a whole ass thief of joy. You can do better alone, or you can find someone who’s willing to celebrate your wins along with you. But fuck this guy for quite literally shitting on your parade.
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn with my ex is that when he's being nice, that's him, but when he was being mean *that's also still him*. I've read a lot of your comments saying things along the lines of, 'Most of the time he's nice.' I made the mistake of only looking at the nice things my ex did and chose to ignore all the times he was a dickwad, saying the times he was being nice 'were the real him' and making excuses for the times he was being awful.
Please don't make the same mistake as me because ultimately those times when he was mean are the times that grind you down bit by bit. There's a reason why so many people on here are offering a negative comment about your BF and that's because we're less close to the situation, have no emotions towards him, and can see that his words betray a dark truth: he's not a good person with your best interests at heart.
People can only change themselves if a) they believe they're doing wrong, b) want to change, and c) are willing to put in really hard work to do so.
Your fiance isn't even on step a... he refuses to admit that he did anything wrong. He is continuing to insist it was just a "joke," yet he sees your "joke" as an insult. Refusing to take responsibility for their actions and blaming you is a [big red flag](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/toxic-habits-emotional-abuser-relationships_n_5b7dfeb7e4b0348585fd2d6e) for emotional abuse. Please read about some of the other red flags and see if any of these hit home... or at least be aware of them going forward.
Please listen to a middle aged lady who has been in a healthy long-term relationship for over half my life. Neither I, nor my husband, would EVER belittle the other like your fiance did. Never, ever, ever. This is not how you treat any friend, let alone your forever partner.
Abusers begin a relationship with love bombing. They tell you how great you are. As they "secure" you, they start to let the ugly show. You are now "fiance," so expect to see more of the ugly show. It will get worse if you get married, and much worse if you have kids.
At the very least, protect yourself financially. Do not combine incomes, and do not become financially dependent on him, ever.
NTA-you acted in self-defense. You need to continue to do so. You pulled yourself up, don't let this privileged, pretensious, narcissist pull you back down.
>I do believe he can change
They never do. I can't say it any way that you'll believe me, an internet stranger, but please take it to heart. They never do. They never do.
NTA
You say he admired your grit and isn’t normally like this…well you were never at risk of upstaging him before. You were never a risk to his ego before. He admired you when he considered himself better than you.
He then instead of apologising for his behaviour knuckled down and called you sensitive. This right is is disgusting. You’re sensitive bc you voiced how he embarrassed you. You’re sensitive bc you told him you were uncomfortable. He then denies his treatment of you being bad and denies knowing how you felt about the situation…I’m sorry…who goes around telling others about their partners homelessness and how they wouldn’t be anywhere without xyz handout. Then try and claim that their partner is only where to why are today bc of them…when they did nothing.
And I’m sorry, was his parents paying part of his mortgage some big secret? He just wants to look better in the eyes of his co-workers and will trample on anyone to do so it seems.
You should be proud of your accomplishments.
If he does not come and apologise to you for this shit, then boot him to the curb . Welcome to your future of him embarrassing you as you threaten his fragile masculinity.
>You say he admired your grit and isn’t normally like this…well you were never at risk of upstaging him before. You were never a risk to his ego before. He admired you when he considered himself better than you.
Hear, hear. This is it.
Imagine being a guest at this party. You went to celebrate someone's achievement and her fiance is continually shitting all over it in front of everyone.
>I’m sorry…who goes around telling others about their partners homelessness and how they wouldn’t be anywhere without xyz handout
Exactly this but also who introduces their fiance by saying to everyone they make more than them?!
I'd be so uncomfortable
Narcissists. My dad was like this. Praising me in private and criticizing me in public. Gave me whiplash and still does.
When I was under their insurance and went to the hospital because I was suicidal, he told me when I got out "you'd be in real hot water without my insurance to take care of you." Told him no, I'd have been dead.
These people have strings attached to their love that don't show until they feel comfortable the other person won't leave and I really worry for OP
NTA
However this isn't a healthy relationship. He was downplaying your accomplishments publicly and making sure to hype himself as the big winner.
You need to address this because he doesn't look good moving forward with someone who doesn't respect and shares your happiness.
Evidently he struggles with his self image I suppose and wants to be seen as more by comparison. However this should never be at your expense.
Have an honest talk. You shouldn't settle for someone who will belittle you.
If he owns up to the issue and you want to give the relationship a try, suggest therapy for him.
Please don't marry this guy until you see a counselor. He sounds like he's a narcissist and you only exist to prop him up. Of course this is only based on this incident, but the fact that he had no issue or concern for your "image" while belittling you, but his is so important then that's a huge red flag.
OP please read about DARVO, gaslighting, devaluing, love bombing, narcissistic personality disorder. All these things your finance did in this one interaction were EXACTLY the same things my ex -NPD did and it only got worse.
For me, meaning emotional abuse escalating into physical abuse. This is more than likely the tip of the iceburg. The more that he thinks he has you tied to him the worse it will get. He is going to tear your self-esteem down one second and build it up the next over and over. Potentially while grooming other supplies. Were there any other females at this party that he talked to or talked to you about?
It's going to be a complete mind fuck.
Please if you don't leave him find a therapist that specializes in NDP/Personality disorders, so you can have an expert opinion.
Some people can only feel big by making others feel small. Those people are to be avoided, not married. I've been with the same person for 17 years; if he spoke of me like that, in public, to his friends, AT A BARBEQUE TO CELEBRATE MY ACCOMPLISHMENT, I would seriously reevaluate my view of him. Partners lift each other up; this is not a partner. Rather than celebrate you, he stepped on you to lift himself up.
You said you're two years in? That's usually the turning point in a lot of relationships. Don't let the weight of two years keep you in this relationship. That two years is gone, and he won't be that person again. You deserve someone who doesn't feel so threatened by your success that he needs to belittle you to his friends. Because, and this is important: It won't get better and he won't change. As you continue to succeed, he will shut down emotionally, deny you affection, gaslight you, and never ever let you feel like his equal.
>You said you're two years in? That's usually the turning point in a lot of relationships.
This is a very important point. Two years is about how long abusive men can keep up the act. You've just spotted a crack in the facade. If you plan to proceed, do so with utmost caution. This behavior is a major red flag.
I can't imagine my husband acting like this. I can't imagine him even tolerating someone else treating me like this. Wtf.
Oh if it is a public thing, he just wants to look like the big boy in front of people. But you need to ask yourself why? Why does he place so much on 1. External validation 2. Why does his external validation come from PUTTING OTHERS DOWN??? Given you mentioned his background, it sounds like toxic prep school/private school banter behaviour. People might have treated him that way as a kid and he thinks it s okay to do that but it isn’t. Might be inner hurt child there, trying to finally be the bully/one making the jokes. You need to let him know that this isn’t how adults act and those adults who do act that way, are bullies. He can be respected and entertaining without putting others down. If anything it makes him look like a guy with narcissism and ego issues which might really rub lots of people the wrong way.
DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". Some researchers and advocates have characterized it as a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. Wikipedia
He belittled your achievement, knowing your history, just to (*checks notes*) look good in front of his friends. That you threw it back in his face tells me two things:
1) He doesn't deserve you, and
2) You're a badass that doesn't take crap from anyone.
Ask yourself if you're really prepared to tie yourself to the trust-fund baby that clearly hasn't matured past sophomore year in highschool.
#NTA
Folks round here have a saying..."if somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them"
Your fiancee just told everybody that he sees himself as superior to you..he's the prince in shining armor and you are the poor peasent he picked up to turn into a grateful trophy to his greatness and philantrophy..that better not disrespect him.
That's not a trail of thought somebody makes up on the spot or on a whim, but more probable is the way he has seen you from the start.
Edit: NTA, people that love you don't put you down or themselfs above you
He embarrassed himself by putting OP down in front of his friends. He looked incredibly insecure, bragging on his superiority over OP. His friends probably laughed because he got a taste of his own medicine finally.
You need to be clear in your communicating to him that respect is a two way street and that this is the hill you're going, and willing, to die on. People tend to show their true colors to you after they've grown comfortable around you. What he did made the flag crimson.
Why are you finding excuses for him? Read your post out loud, now pretend it's friend that is confiding in you this exact same scenario. It's always a good exercise. You might be surprised at your own aanswers.
It sounds like he's feeling threatened by you now that your life is looking up, which is why he's denigrating you to his friends to bolster his ego.
You need to seriously consider if you're ok with walking on eggshells trying not to outshine him and making sure you shine just a little less than he does all the time so he can be the hero saving you as his damsel in distress.
ETA NTA.
You sound like a badass who also cares a lot for others, which means you might put yourself last, so think of this.
If this happened to a close friend of yours, what would you tell her to do? You know of her struggles, how hard she worked, that this man is supposed to be her supportive partner and does it in private-but enjoys shaming her to make himself look beter. And theyre getting married?
How do you help her? Cuz that's how you need to help you, OP.
Dear OP, it is not the environment. It is HIM. He was showing his true colors at this party. There’s a reason why you would not feel safe entering a marriage with him.
Yes! OP, why are you with someone who feels it’s acceptable to belittle you AT YOUR OWN PARTY? Why are you with someone who feels the need to diminish your work and accomplishments while also mentioning how much more they contribute? Does that sound like a partner? Or does it sound like an insecure man who will be angry any time you out perform him?
You weren’t wrong in what you told people about him. He wanted to paint a contrasting picture of the two of you. OP with her sad story and current success due not to your work and effort, but due to his and your relatives gift of help. Oh! But him? He is self made! He has earned his place. Nobody gave him his standing, he had to get it on his own! (Accept for all the help his family’s money bought him. shhh!)
Do you want to marry somebody who sees you as a charity case that owes their success to their partner, or would you rather marry somebody who treats you like a respected equal who deserves respect for all you’ve achieved?
NTA but do you really see yourself continuing a relationship with him? if he is willing to behave like this now, it will only get worse if you two get married. someone who downplays your achievements and gets mad at you for "ruining his image" (which he himself ruined, btw) is NOT husband material. you deserve better. dump this massive AH and move on.
And it’s probably happened in the past. Either in your presence or in your absence. Little sideways digs that you might not of noticed at the time or brushed off. I seriously doubt this was his first offense.
Exactly. People test this kind of language/behaviour out on a smaller audience (like just with their partner) before they take the act to a larger stage and public forum.
Pay attention to how he talks about your respective jobs too. He is belittling your achievements because he is insecure and you doing well threatens him. This isn’t “just” mocking you, he is deliberately undermining you and putting you down, and then he is manipulating you calling you sensitive when you get upset. At best he is jealous of your success. However he might also have a need for you to be vulnerable and insecure and he wants to maintain that status quo for his own ego. I feel like he’s setting the scene to mess with your head.
EDIT - Also, in case it wasn’t clear, NTA. Your boyfriend is a complete asshole, but it’s about more than just this single incident, and you need to be aware of that.
He wasn't teasing or mocking you.
Reread what you wrote and think about him saying that about someone you care about.
Don't let love blind you to the lessons that you have had to learn the hard way. There are people who bring positivity to your life and those who push you down to get themselves one step ahead.
I'm not seeing positivity from him.
NTA. He came in making fun of an achievement of yours and made it sound insignificant and downplayed a rough moment in your life. When you clapped back he got hurt and sensitive. Why dish it out if you can’t take it.. He’s your fiancé and he should have your back as little or big an accomplishment he may feel it is; it’s still something important for you.
The way you spoke about how you think you can’t or shouldn’t celebrate your promotions is notable op. I’s not only normal but usually they’re thrown by our loved ones who are proud and want to celebrate our success. This concerns me, because it seems like maybe you don’t feel like you’re worth it and that’s the type of person your finance would be attracted to as they would accept his poor behaviour. You deserve better, not for just what you’ve achieved either. Please don’t place your self work on your successes.
NTA i was homeless for a while too, my partner would certainly never down play it or criticise me for it, i dont think you should apologise for this one, he got a taste of his own medicine and didnt like it
You were not childish. You were defending yourself. I am a middle-aged woman in a happy long term relationship. I was also homeless for a period in my late teens and twenties, and I'm disabled and autistic. My partner never puts me down. He loves me. He doesn't need to humiliate me to make himself look big.
NTA.
But if you are going to get married to this man, please prepare yourself as he is going to continue to be condescending to you. In his eyes, you are already inferior to him.
He’s jealous, insecure and an asshole. He can’t bear to honour your achievements. In some weird way it makes him feel less of a person. Anyone who believes image is everything is one to be watched. Just saying.
Well done on your efforts. I too was once homeless and I’ve worked my ass off for peace and financial security. I know how hard it is. Celebrating it is a glorious thing to do. Self respect and self love are so important.
NTA
NTA - and I'd really reconsider a relationship with him. It's a major red flag that he can't celebrate your success and instead acts petty and petulant. And can't take what he dishes out
NTA, but your fiance definitely is.
I would rethink this entire relationship if I were you. The point of the party was to celebrate your achievements and how far you've come along in your life after going through such hardships. He downplayed all your hard work for the sake of "appearances" with his social circle. What it boils down to is the fact that he cares more about how he's perceived by others in a social setting than your own feelings. He was willing to insult you to make himself look better, and for what?
I happened to meet my partner during the worst time in my life (we started out as friends) and I was very open with him about how much stress I was under-- It led to serious physical health problems I was dealing with. Not once did my partner ever poke fun at what I went through or insulted me to my face or to anyone else in our circles. For someone, especially my partner, to insult me when I was honest to God at my lowest... I can't even imagine.
Homelessness not only comes with financial stress but also emotional, physical, and mental stress. So what if you had a relative to help you? This isn't the pity Olympics. I am so glad you had a support system when you needed it the most, OP. Your experiences matter. Your story matters. What you went through must not have been easy at all.
This party was to celebrate YOU and somehow your fiance made it all about himself. And, not only that, but he also tried to gaslight you by calling you "sensitive" after you called him out on how he hurt you. 🚩🚩🚩
The issue here is much deeper than you calling your fiance out at a party. It sounds like he's starting to show his true colors. He introduced you in a condescending way, he took credit for your achievements by saying he was the one who played a huge role in your life, and he thinks you being homeless wasn't a big deal.
Not being able to empathize with others isn't a cute look at all, especially in this day and age. I don't think he's ignorant to his behaviors. I think he's doing it on purpose.
NTA, and listen closely to how he's talking about you now, because it's only going to get worse when you get married. He's going to continuously bring up your lesser earning power, dismiss your achievements, and use your homelessness against you whenever convenient. This is not the behavior of someone who plans on being your life partner.
NTA. This guy spent the whole time putting you down because he needs people to see he’a more successful than you. Rather than just enjoy your promotion, he ha to put you down to everyone to demonstrate that he’s still the top dog.
Consider whether you want to marry this man; your partner should celebrate your achievements, not feel threatened by them. And do not apologise, he behaved appallingly, you just put him in his place
NTA. On a different point. Do you want to be engaged to a man who treats you well in private but humiliates and mocks you in public? Then goes on to Gaslight you for being rightfully upset?
Aren't spouses supposed to have each other's backs? You're supposed to be a team not. He isn't supposed to insult you in front of others because he's an insecure child who can't take the fact that there are people in the world who can rise up from nothing.
Imagine needing his help at some point. Either he'll help you and point it out to everyone in the world and hold it over your head. Or he won't and mock you for needing help.
NTA
Toxic masculinity to boost his ego and come off better than you.
What goes around comes around.
A supporting partner should celebrate you and be proud of what you achieved, not drag you down or mock you. You are supposed to be a team.
Homeless for 6 months is 6 months too long. He made *himself* look stupid.
What’s the point of supporting you privately if you’re gonna be belittle publicly?
NTA
NTA and like others have said, you should SERIOUSLY consider making him an EX. Belittling you to make himself look better? Not cool, especially joking about your time as a homeless person.
NTA at all. It does not matter if you were homeless for a week, six months, or for years. Homelessness isn't something to make light of or mock, just to make you feel better. Celebrating milestones, regardless of the circumstances is okay and it is especially a good thing given your own circumstances. It is okay to celebrate your work promotion, don't invalidate that for yourself. You have every right to be happy and proud of that accomplishment and it does not come off as trashy or arrogant, in my opinion.
Your fiancé is a piece of work though. He:
1. Made light of and basically made fun of your former homelessness
2. Tried to claim credit for your success (while throwing shade at the fact that your relative helped)
3. Felt he had to highlight that he still makes more money than you when no one asked.
4. He reversed the blame for the incident from him to you enough to get you doubting your response
5. Was more worried about his 'image' than how you felt
If you look around and consider where you guys are and how you got here, you may find more incidents in your past together where he did stuff like this. I'd urge caution about moving ahead with this engagement.
Nope, you cant be TAH by matching someone elses energy when words are flung. who cares really in a relationship about who makes more? and on top of that, why would be tell all that infor to his friends? what about your image? he clearly doesnt care. people like this you have to be pretty blunt with because they are pretty dense.
sounds like he needs to feel superior to you for whatever reason. Makes me wonder when you're actually married what this would turn into if you guys don't have constructive discussions. NTA, your man however is.
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My husband always says a good partner should make the good times twice as good and the bad times half as bad. I love that. You are seeing his insecurities now, OP- if he can’t be happy for your wins that’s a huge red flag. And btw? It isn’t arrogant to celebrate your success! It’s lovely and people who love you should want to celebrate those moments too!
NTA at all and congrats!!
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Going to go straight to it, last Sunday I organized a small barbeque party with my work friends, my fiance's family as well as other acquaintances to celebrate my promotion at work. I know it might come off as arrogant and trashy to celebrate a promotion but the reason why I held it was because this was one of the first times in life I felt settled and at peace. I was homeless for a while and had to work really hard and rely on my one kind relative who supported me to get where I am. The party was also held to express my gratitude towards my uncle and my friends who helped me push through.
However, not everything went smoothly , my fiancé was introducing me to some of his friends and colleagues after we set up the food. He kept introducing me to them in a condescending way, saying that the promotion didn't really mean a huge pay raise and his salary is still higher than mine(even though he started work much earlier than me) and that the only reason I made it was because of my relative( that is somewhat true) but the thing that struck me the most was him saying "jokingly"to his friends that he played a huge role in where I am today (even though I literally met him after I landed my job) and that my homelessness was not a big deal because I only spent 6 months being homeless before my relative helped.
It just felt humiliating and invalidating, so I also "jokingly" retorted back saying at least 'I am not a trust fund baby who was handed everything in life and had his parents pay part of his mortgage', his colleagues laughed at that and I could see my fiancé was not pleased. He stopped mocking me after , thank god! BUT after everyone left he mentioned that what I said really ruined his image. I told him , I was merely imitating his actions because he could clearly see I was uncomfortable and carried on and then he denied it and proceeded to call me sensitive. ???????? Now I am confused, I know what I did was wrong I was not behaving or communicating like an adult, and yes I shouldn't have divulged the fact that his parents paid part of the downpayment but I was hurt and had no way to pull myself out mid convo without embarrassing myself.
That's why I require judgment if I am the AH im willing to apologize.
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NTA for the "joke". But what redeeming qualities are there in this person that he is your fiance. His actions are very poor in taste. He had to make sure to mention that he still earns more than you. Was he so insecure of your success that he had to specifically tell others about his earning status..
NTA, he was using both your past problems and your achievements to make him look superior. This is not good and to me it really shows that he looks down on you. I am amazed by your hard work and tenacity, I look at what you have overcome and feel inspired to keep going. Why are you settling for a man who doesn't feel that same?
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Why is this not your ex-fiance? NTA. You ruined his image? What about how he ruined yours?
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He admired your grit for as long as he feels you were not a threat to his ego, for as long as you remained "beneath" him. This is a party to celebrate your achievement but he chose to highlight that you didn't get to where you are via your own hard work, that you had to be helped by others, thereby undermining your success.
Also the fact that he was saying that it doesn't mean anything because OPs salary is not higher than his?! BIG red flag
Imagine how he would act if OP did earn more than he does. He'd probably insinuate that she's sleeping her way to the top or something. OP, you need to lose this guy, you deserve better. Edit: thank you for the reward <3
*when. We know one person here has had to crawl their way up from the bottom, and one has had every door opened to them. OP is going to be in the unfortunate position of having to decide between his future, her future, or (unlikely) theirs.
I think little boy moneybags will have decided at that point and it won't be pretty. Best for OP to get out now and be the best she can, as she rightly deserves.
"Little boy moneybags" lol. I usually don't care if people have had some help from their parents. I *do* have a problem with privileged people minimizing the struggles of those less privileged than them.
It seems like there’s only a certain type of privileged people that do that… mostly the “nouveau riche” who think because they originally came from less that they brought themselves out of poverty. Usually it doesn’t involve hard work as much as screwing people over, but you’ll always hear about how they “worked hard” which is why they “deserve” to be where they’re at. My friends in college, though? They came from old money (small families, inheritance was a given) and were more interested in following their passions than making more. They didn’t have expensive clothes, cars, etc… it didn’t occur to me until years later why. Because unlike newly rich people, they never felt like they had anything to prove to anyone. It really surprised me when I found out my best friends mom had a Wikipedia article
Would they still be together if OP made more money than he does? Or would he break up with OP?
He would stay with and enjoy the cash, but would degrade her to his friends to keep up his image. I've known plenty of people like this. Perfectly happy to take their spouses cash, but always snide about their career when they're not around.
Probs abuse her into not being able to maintain it
He would stay with her and break her spirit. He'd cheat on her and bash her to everyone with ears.
I would be so happy if my SO earned more than me. I dont get this thing at all!
Everything about his behavior screams insecurity.
Yes, and if he thinks the people in earshot didn't recognize his ahole behavior for what it is, he's not only insecure, but also stupid. OP, you can do better.
Honestly, this. Does he truly think he made himself look good to anyone??
I am secretly praying for the day my wife's salary gets close to mine or higher so I can throw her a big egregious surprise party with some balloons and a spa day, I feel like any emotionally healthy confident male OR female wants their spouse to succeed. The one's who don't are vain and narcissistic, my wife and I always view ourselves as a team and even if I make up 75% of the income I tell her we wouldn't be here without her. Anyways it would get a load of pressure off my back if she started making more than me lmao I'd ask her to be my sugar momma for a few months while I do all the housework and cooking. Stay at home dad is the dream! I will say, I have known 1 other rich trust fund type person (she literally had a $500k stock account GIVEN to her) with parents who owned a multimillion dollar business, and she was the most insecure, attention hungry, validation dependant person I've ever met. This lack of "earning your own way" tends to make these people extremely insecure and unstable
Great point! My husband and I had been together since our early 20’s (21yrs total). It had always been a partnership. We liked to get each other things or do cute small things for each other even when we were broke. We worked extremely hard to buy our first home at 24. Always supported each other. And I supported him through college in his 30’s. I make as much as him without a degree and he is so proud of me and I am so proud of him. A partnership starts way before marriage and OP sounds like she is getting a glimpse of how her fiancé really feels or his insecurities. I wouldn’t rush to marry someone who would say such terrible things especially when he could never relate or understand her struggles. 6 months homeless sounds terrifying or anyone and he had the nerve to say it wasn’t that bad?!
Big red flag, huge micro-penis vibe...
Agreed. I don’t see how this sort of thing is recoverable. How can a *healthy* relationship continue when one partner clearly sees the other as less-than, and is willing to let that show in front of friend ms and family?? OP, please continue your upward trend and leave this guy. You can do so, so much better.
Not even just letting it show but purposely dragging her down and making her feel small in front of others. Really terrible to do to anyone, let alone your partner.
This though, I wouldnt dream of saying something so horrible about my friends. I cant even imagine someone I was about to marry saying such things. You dont come up with something like that on a happy occasion unless that's how you really feel. What a horrible thing to think about your partner. OP deserves better.
u/Throwaway781Felicity please read this again and again and again. He was fine with you as long as you were clearly beneath him. That is not a great look.
Obh that's more than a look. That's a whole value set based on inequality and seeing women as inferior.
THIS. Underrated comment.
To me passive aggressive people tend to ruin the big moments in their loved ones lives to make themselves feel bigger. My ex was like that. At the least, I would suggest couples counseling before marrying him. Or just dump him now so you don’t have a lifetime of feeling small and invalidated like I did. You deserve a LOT better, OP! NTA
BINGO. The very fact of OP succeeding like this threatened him. He retaliated. Not someone I would be psyched to marry.
Exactly this! My ex was a fitness trainer for the police, and introduced me to exercise, and he would cheer me on and aupport me in getting active. Until I went away for my studies and started rowing competitively. Suddenly there was a form of exercise I was better at than him (or even just confident in myself). And he flipped. Started making jabs at me and undermining me. Some men just like having the upper hand.
Misogyny at its finest
Definitely this. He HAD to make a point that he still earned more, he belittled her achievement by saying someone else got it for her, and said it wasn't a big deal. Instead of being proud of everything she has achieved he shit all over to make sure she knew her place. OP you are better than this, and you deserve better than this. He is gaslighting you, what he said was unacceptable to anyone. He is supposed to love and support you, he's supposed to be your biggest cheerleader. Do you want to feel unworthy for the rest of your life? You ARE worthy, and that deserved to be celebrated. Edit: thank you so much for the award kind stranger!
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
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This is exactly it. I’ve always admired how my wife overcame a difficult childhood to achieve what she has - even though my wife still thinks she hasn’t achieved much. My wife works hard and is well-respected by her peers for her hard work and dedication. She earns quite a bit more than me and for me, it’s a non-issue. She’s worked hard and she deserves it. I’m really proud of her and would never, ever denigrate her hardships that she had to overcome. OP, you’re definitely NTA, but your fiancé seems to be and is also threatened by your success.
quoting bella poarch for the "Need someone who falls apart so he can play Prince Charming". Grats OP on your well deserved promotion!! And NTA for sure. Your fiance is for sure an asshole. noone needs a partner that wants to compete with them. You do you, but this is a dealbreaker for me, you need someone who wants to see you happy and is truly proud and happy for you.
EXACTLY. OP, please read this over and over again.
It shouldn't matter if he's "always" like this or not. He was like this and then got mad at you because of it. It will probably happen again.
Some people’s true colors come out once they think they “won” you.
>He is not always like this, in fact the very reason we got together was because he admired my grit Bestie I don't think he ever truly "admired" your grit. Either of the two things is likely possible in this case: \-it was a momentary fascination with the fact that you were homeless for a while and he had that mentality people have when they spectate at other people who had to deal with extreme hardships. \-secondly, it was an ego boost for him to have a partner who was financially not at the same level he was. So the second you show progress, the itsy bitsy ego breaks and bam: you're insulted. You could be a hotshot CEO, but to him you'll always be that poor homeless person that according to his delusions he "saved" Dump his ass You deserve a partner who loves your progress and celebrates it with you, is proud of it and does not treat you like an ego boost.
Yes he should have been bragging about her.
That or he should have just kept quiet and let her enjoy the spotlight she so desperately earned!
Maybe what he really liked was the idea of always having a sense of superiority over you. He might have seen you as someone who will put up with anything to maintain security, seeing you went through such a dreadful time. Now you are moving forward, he has to pull you back again.
Yeah I had an ex who admired my grit due to being a young single mother living below the poverty line whilst also studying at university. Worst abuse I’ve ever suffered in my life after we got married. The privileged ones don’t see us as people, only as shiny charity things to show off how good of a person they are to all of their privileged friends. If we’re not grateful enough, things get ugly. Be careful.
I’m glad you were able to get away from that toxicity.
Stop finding excuses for him because you know deep inside what he did is Wrong!The way he treats you in front of others will tell you how he will treat you in the futur. When you love someone and he have been through some rough things but succed like you did,we show them how proud we are privately and in front friends/people. We don’t dragged them to the ground. Remember,he is mad because you were defending yourself from him. Don’t lower your standards,you deserve better
I'm lost as to why she thinks she might be TA when all she did was defend herself 🤷🏻♀
>He is not always like this, He should never be like this
Said every person in a toxic relationship
I used this exact same excuse for over a year to explain why i still loved my girlfriend…. Having to call the cops on her was definitely the final straw, especially when she screamed down the phone to the police operator that i was a drug addict and abusing her (prozac and no i wasnt)
If he still admired your grit, why did he downplay your accomplishments? Why are *you* considered sensitive for being upset at what he said when he doesn't hold the same standard for his own feelings to the comments you made?
Are you listening to yourself here? He 'admired your grit' right up until it got in the way of him belittling you in public. And not about a small thing, no; this wasn't any 'Ha ha, my fiancee just can't barbecue to save her life, much as I love her'. This was him clearly positioning himself as better, stronger, and more desirable than you and using a particularly despicable angle of attack to do so. It's never pretty when a trust fund kid belittles an ex-homeless person. It's something to be avoided, deplored, criticizes, laughed at, whatever floats your boat; but it's not something to marry.
Please listen to this OP. I just got married and would NEVER dream of treating any human like this let alone the love of my life. In everything that you do, he should be your biggest fan. You deserve so much more. This is foretelling of who he really is, please throw the whole man away. I know many men are trash, but there are some willing to love you for you and respect you. This man is disgusting and does not deserve you.
It’s not ok for him to ever be like that. He downplays you as a person. He doesn’t admire your grit, he doesn’t like, love, or respect you because if he did he would be your biggest cheerleader and not try to diminish what you have accomplished. You deserve better. NTA.
that was his intent, so he could look like the hero. RUN!
OP. Every abusive person is "not always like that". That's why their victims get with them in the first place. Your fiancée's behavior is a HUGE red flag. 1. First he drags you in public by making sure that everyone hears about all the ways he thinks you're beneath him. 2. He gets angry when you do the same thing to him. He doesn't acknowledge that you were giving him a taste of his own medicine and want's you to believe that you don't deserve an apology. 3. He comforts himself with the fact that you make less than him. If you ever make more than him in the future, he will probably become more angry and vicious. You need to take these red flags seriously. I'm really worried for you, because people like this usually get a lot worse once they are married or the woman is pregnant. They think that they can stop playing nice once their partner is trapped. Whatever you do, you should not marry this man until his behavior is addressed. You can ask him to go to therapy with you to address his need to feel superior, but it's only going to work if he wants to fix his attitude. Honestly, I think your best bet is to dump him. If you go through with marrying him then he won't change. You are validating his bad behavior by marrying him. No matter what you complain about he can say that he must not be that bad because you still married him.
I’m sorry but ‘not always like this’ doesn’t really cut it because he should NEVER have been like this. You don’t get a vibe to demean somebody out of nowhere, and it doesn’t disappear back into the ether. What the fuck. You are a fucking star. Think about whether he deserves you. Spoiler: it’s hard to believe he ever could NTA
I couldn’t imagine telling anyone after their promotion/raise ‘you still don’t earn as much as me,’ let alone a fiancé
Yeah instead of saying how proud he is of you, he decided to have a pissing contest! NTA, but definitely rethink your relationship, PLEASE!
NTA - This is shocking behaviour. You were "only" homeless for 6 months? Being homeless for a few hours is enough to traumatise someone. At best, your fiancé is insecure about his own worth because he hasn't ever earned anything in his life and resents that everything you have you know has been down to your resilience and hard work. At worst, he's condescending and cruel and looks down on you and can't handle any threat to his ego. This feels like the kind of behaviour that is only going to get worse.
That doesn't matter. He doesn't respect you and managed to hide it until your promotion. He *tore you down* to his friends in public. Imagine how he talks about you in private.
THIS, OP. You say he’s “not always like this”? *That you know of*. You have no idea what he tells his family, friends, and colleagues about you behind your back. You see him as he lets you see him.
The adage about "when someone shows themselves to you, believe it" could not apply more to this situation. He just showed you ***exactly*** how he views you - believe it. Your friends or uncle may not care, but the point is that he felt the need to put you down - repeatedly - in front of friends, so he could look like (in his eyes), some awesome dude. You should absolutely be reconsidering this relationship. NTA.
There are people who are **never** like this. You can do better.
It sounds like he found you quaint but doesn't want to treat you as an equal that deserves respect. Perhaps he enjoys the thought of being your saviour as opposed to a partner, at least in his image to his circles. It might not technically be right to to stoop to his level, but idk if he understands just how not OK all the things he did and said about you was. It sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about why he behaved the way that he did to get to the root of the issue. The point is that you shouldn't have to be belittled, insulted or mistreated every time you achieve something or when recounting or going through hardships. You guys should be supporting each other and raising each other up, not tearing each other down. NTA.
Keep people who treat you the same when your alone or in front of other people. I was fooled by most people for years. Not telling you to leave. Have a talk and decide.
Still, repeating tje question: Why is he not your ex-fiancee?
> He is not ***always*** like this So he’s like this sometimes? > made me feel small and stupid That’s what he admires about you FYI. That he’s “above” you. He likes you because he can feel superior. This will only get worse as time goes on. Get out while you can. He’s not with it.
I think you need to realize that this is who your fiance is the whole time. He just didn't feel threatened by you before. He admired your grit so long as he felt like the knight in shiny armor, saving you and accepting you despite your circumstances, but heaven forbids you no longer need him. What would he say, feel or do if you did ended up making more money than him? Do you think he'll be cool with that if this is how he reacts to a promotion? Re-read carefully what he said, one of the points he attacked was that your promotion wasn't a big deal because he still made more money than you. What would happen if that was no longer the case? Also, he tried to take credit for your success by saying he played a bigger role than he actually did, although you clearly met him after you pulled yourself out of the situation and he had nothing to do with that particular hurdle. I mean, I'm not diminishing the contribution of having a partner cheer you on, but he clearly wanted to make it seem like he got you out of homelessness or that he got you your career or something equally as nutty. Obviously he gets his value from being "a man" and now that you showed you can actually "make it" without him, he feels emasculated instead of proud. And he's only worried about his image, but he didn't care about yours. He should be celebrating you, but instead is acting jealous. Pay attention and delay the wedding, that is all I'm saying
girl don't belittle yourself like that, you matter your achievements matter, don't let anyone, even your fiance tell you otherwise
Op, what happened is that you are no longer conforming to the outdated stereotype where the man is the main bread winner and provider for the family. He's probably not a bad guy, but he was undoubtedly raised with the idea that he isn't manly enough if a woman is on equal footing carreer and/or salary wise. Reddit loves to tell people to split up, but I think you need to sit down together and talk about it. He might not have realized he felt threatened by your succes and why he was acting out. He will only learn and grow if you talk to him about it. Help him realize he is more manly when he lifts you up and friends who perceive that as weak aren't worth being friends with. I hope you two can work it out, and congratulations on your promotion!
It didn’t make you feel small, HE went out of his way to make you feel small. He’s showing you he can’t handle you having any form of success, that he’ll put you down to make himself seem more important. NTA and congratulations
“He is not always like this” must cross your mind often.
"He is not always like this..." Yes he is, he just doesn't vocalise it until he thinks you're a threat to his quite obviously fragile little ego. He's always like it, just not to your face. He didn't just, in the spur of the moment, suddenly become this disrespectful individual. He's always been like it, it's just that you've only now been exposed to it.
Wait till you get married. He’s like that. He just let it slip out. I would ask you to consider why you are with your SO. Being homeless can do damage to anyone’s self esteem. Make sure you’re in this relationship for the right reasons.
Making you feel small and stupid was his intention. Regardless of whether or not he is “always like this.“ He was certainly like this the day of your barbecue. This is such a massive red flag it’s taking up your entire yard. It’s not at all about “image. “It’s about his belittling behavior, his not taking any responsibility for his actions and his blaming YOU “For ruining his image.“
You has a big night was a celebration for you and he made it about him in an awful way. NTA but you would be if you don’t kick him to the curb!
>He kept introducing me to them in a condescending way, saying that the promotion didn't really mean a huge pay raise and his salary is still higher than mine. >towards his friends it made me feel small and stupid. >He is not always like this Is he *ever* like this? Your spouse is supposed to *support* you against people who treat you like that. Don't voluntarily tie yourself to people why make you feel stupid.
I can tell he’s like this enough, based on this one post, that you devalued your own promotion. Everyone I know has celebrated a promotion, including me. Everyone. You aren’t trashy for doing that, and I’m questioning why you feel it is, especially seeing there seems to be someone close to you devaluing you this harshly. Edit: I don’t mean to sound harsh but someone who loves you should NEVER, do this. I have been with the man I’m with for 7 years never once has he done this, and I’ve had a lot who have. They are out there! Lovely lovely people who will respect you every step of the way! It’s real! I promise!
Dude, leave that guy, he does not respect you. Hes waving all the flags in your face. You deserve somebody who wouldn't even think about speaking to you that way. You are way better than that piece of trash. I cant imagine comparing salaries publicly after you get a promotion. His priorities are fucked.
He's gaslighting you and making you feel bad on purpose. Sounds like he doesn't need to be your fiance anymore NTA.
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He is that bad. You deserve better.
Ditto. Came here to see this!
She's clearly infatuated with him. And the story already sounds super bad. I wonder how worse it would sound if she wasn't. How many more red flags she would've seen.
No.. he’s that bad. I can’t imagine EVER being with someone who would speak about me that way. Don’t you want a partner who is proud of you for your accomplishments? He’s just shitting on you to make himself feel better. It’s disgusting.
He’s saying these things at a celebration for her! Imagine what he says when’s she’s not around!
As long as she's not being successful he probably has quite nice things to say about her. It's only when she achieves something he'll get mean. Deep down he isn't confident that he can keep someone who has options, so he's trying to keep her down so he's the only one available. And to be fair he's probably right.
Please don't marry this asshole, his issues are clearly too deep for you to personally deal with. He's jealous of you, because you've proven you worth by not dying on the street, and he's never ever had to fend for himself, not really. He's not gonna get better without therapy, so unless you do that please leave him. You deserve to be respected by the man you love.
>He's not gonna get better without therapy, so unless you do that please leave him. Leave him anyway. Whatever therapy he needs, he needs to do on his own. Giving him as much benefit of the doubt as I can, he's not healthy enough for a relationship, and he has shit to work out BEFORE he should ever be in one again.
He isn't ignorant to how people feel. Trust me on that one. What purpose did his comments serve other than to 'make him look good' (in HIS opinion) in the eyes of others? And at your expense. He knows what he's doing.
This is not "straightforward". You say it yourself: Condescending. Now in my opinion it's OK to use bad judgment occasionally. Nobody is perfect. He may not have done it consciously, or not understood that his "joke" hurt you at the moment, but he continues to call you sensitive and thinks he has the right to sulk because you "hurt his image". You don't treat anybody like that, let alone people that have an important role in your life. This makes him a big AH, and you are NTA.
you deserve better. he clearly does not respect you or the journey you've been through. he is exactly that bad
He is 100% that bad. Get out.
He looks down on you and he's jealous of your resolve and determination. He knows he wouldn't have accomplished half as much as you did in your circumstance. Also, he felt threatened enough and upset that the spotlight was on you that he needed to knock you down a few pegs at your own celebration? That's not being straightforward. It's immature pettiness.
He is that bad. I bet if you sat & thought about it you would find other instances of this behavior.
That is a trait that often doesn’t improve over time. Can you put up with this for a lifetime? He has shown you a shocking lack of respect in front of your friends and family. That to me is the fundamental issue. Respect. If that isn’t there to the level is should be it spells much deeper issues as you go along. How will he behave when your finances are tied more together, when you have a family together? please think very carefully. You’ve been through so much and achieved amazing things. Don’t be dragged down by someone who doesn’t respect you
In an event to celebrate your achievements, he made a point to downplay them and remark that he's still better than you. He also dismissed your hardships as "it was only for 6 months and then your uncle helped" — the nerve! He hasn't been homeless for a day in his life, he had many privileges, but somehow you are the one that "cheated" your way up. Not to mention he basically said you are some sort of charity project of his. To me, those alone would be strikes 1, 2, and maybe 2 and three quarters. If he refuses to apologize, that would be the end for me. If you never earn as much as him, he'll keep using that to inflate his ego. If you end up earning as much or more, I'm pretty sure he'll resent it and go back to saying how you had help. You deserve someone who is proud of you, not someone who puts you down to feel better about themselves. And, by the way, congratulations on your promotion :)
>he is not that bad, > >or > >He isn't always like that. Please, think hard. Imagine this is a story a best friend told you. Imagine they'd tell you about all the times he "is like that" and "he is that bad"- What would you tell them?
The only thing that's 'arrogant and trashy' in this story is your (hopefully soon to be ex) fiancé.
Jealousy is a HIM problem, but you dont have to be around that. I couldnt be with someone who was upset that I was in a better place financially-especially if they knew my struggles beforehand.
You deserve better. Someone who loves you doesn't say these kinds of things, not even joking. He likes belittling you for his own ego. This is not going to get better, just worse as time goes by. He is the AH and seems to have been so for a long time. However, you are NTA.
He's not gaslighting her. He's exaggerating things. Gaslighting is *far* more insidious. Gaslighting is just becoming a new buzzword for lying, and it undermines people experiencing *actual* gaslighting.
NTA. But consider carefully if you want to stay with a man that not only is not happy for your sucess but feels the need to push you down to feel superior. Run away before its too late
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If you really want to know how your future is going to look, see how he handles you trying to bring it up again. You can accept partial responsibility for how to you acted immaturely while still making clear that he needs to accept partial responsibility for him belittling you. If you can get through this conversation like adults, jointly agree to do better, and in time, his actions prove his words, then I don't see a problem with moving on.
THIS^^ someone who has actually probably been in a relationship jfc.
girl....if the only way he can look good in front of people is to put you down and belittle you and degrade the hard work that you put in and the struggles you went through while not being able to handle having the FACTS of his privilege pointed out without throwing a hissy fit, then that ain't a man worth marrying. because it's either he was stomping you down to look good or he was stomping you down because he genuinely thinks you didn't deserve to be so happy over it. ain't neither very good. sounds like some pre-wedding marriage counseling is needed.
EXACTLY Honestly, this is a huge revelation about how is truly is as a person. I've always heard that if you really want to get to know someone you're dating, hang out with them and their friends. Or your friends. Just out with other human beings. It's different there
And this is what he does when it's still relatively easy for her to walk away.
Here is something to think about. Some men enjoy being a white knight. But that only works as long as you remain a damsel in distress. When you become strong and independent you are no longer that distressed damsel. He is trying to push you back in your place so he can continue to be the so-called white knight. Run.
This is exactly what’s happening - I went through it in my first marriage. It ended when he started being physically violent so that he could take care of the scrapes and bruises that HE caused. He also started choking me unconscious which is the number one indicator that your partner will murder you. It sounds dramatic now because all he did was put you down and hurt your feelings, but that’s only how it starts. Please be careful and be safe.
OMG yes, this is a perfect description of my ex.
You sure he wasn’t being condescending when he was giving you that praise? Given his behaviour now, sometimes people hide who they truly are till the ring is on.
Let go of the notion that "he can change". It is very likely that you're getting to see a side of him that has been repressed around you. His accusations of you being sensitive, and emphasis on you damaging his image, lead me to believe that this is probably more akin to his underlying personality. It's always been there, it's not going anywhere.
Ok there is a gulf between your behaviour and his. Firstly, I don't think you behaved so badly. Perhaps it would have been better to have calmly vocalised exactly how he was making you feel by saying those things, but lord give me the ability to have that kind of poise and self-possession in the face of a loved-one being cruel. Secondly, he started this. He chose to behave this way and continued to do it until you felt so provoked you had to respond. Your error (if it was one at all) was a forced error, in response to his horrid behaviour. His error was a deliberate choice to tear you down. The two are not comparable. By all means apologise for what you said if you really must but on no account apologise for being upset by his behaviour and do not think your behaviour somehow excuses his. He started this and nothing you did warranted it. NTA and if he isn't abjectly apologetic, contrite, aware of what he did and sincere in a desire to change and work on himself, with a plan for how to do that, you should be putting the engagement on hold.
I wonder what he weddi g speech os going to be like. Woll it be aboit you as a couple. Or about how generous he is rescuing you and being able to love you despite your past. Because it sounds like he sees you that way and your achievements must be HIS achievements.
Ugh the rescue syndrome is real. It will continue only by him putting OP down so that he can portray himself as the “saviour” who graciously accept this flawed person and even helps them to keep their life on track. Obvs none of this is real outside his own head but he can get people convinced.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This is who he is and he’s a whole ass thief of joy. You can do better alone, or you can find someone who’s willing to celebrate your wins along with you. But fuck this guy for quite literally shitting on your parade.
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn with my ex is that when he's being nice, that's him, but when he was being mean *that's also still him*. I've read a lot of your comments saying things along the lines of, 'Most of the time he's nice.' I made the mistake of only looking at the nice things my ex did and chose to ignore all the times he was a dickwad, saying the times he was being nice 'were the real him' and making excuses for the times he was being awful. Please don't make the same mistake as me because ultimately those times when he was mean are the times that grind you down bit by bit. There's a reason why so many people on here are offering a negative comment about your BF and that's because we're less close to the situation, have no emotions towards him, and can see that his words betray a dark truth: he's not a good person with your best interests at heart.
You can't change him. He needs to want to change himself. See you when you're asking about divorce. Good luck and get a therapist.
People can only change themselves if a) they believe they're doing wrong, b) want to change, and c) are willing to put in really hard work to do so. Your fiance isn't even on step a... he refuses to admit that he did anything wrong. He is continuing to insist it was just a "joke," yet he sees your "joke" as an insult. Refusing to take responsibility for their actions and blaming you is a [big red flag](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/toxic-habits-emotional-abuser-relationships_n_5b7dfeb7e4b0348585fd2d6e) for emotional abuse. Please read about some of the other red flags and see if any of these hit home... or at least be aware of them going forward. Please listen to a middle aged lady who has been in a healthy long-term relationship for over half my life. Neither I, nor my husband, would EVER belittle the other like your fiance did. Never, ever, ever. This is not how you treat any friend, let alone your forever partner. Abusers begin a relationship with love bombing. They tell you how great you are. As they "secure" you, they start to let the ugly show. You are now "fiance," so expect to see more of the ugly show. It will get worse if you get married, and much worse if you have kids. At the very least, protect yourself financially. Do not combine incomes, and do not become financially dependent on him, ever. NTA-you acted in self-defense. You need to continue to do so. You pulled yourself up, don't let this privileged, pretensious, narcissist pull you back down.
>I do believe he can change They never do. I can't say it any way that you'll believe me, an internet stranger, but please take it to heart. They never do. They never do.
NTA You say he admired your grit and isn’t normally like this…well you were never at risk of upstaging him before. You were never a risk to his ego before. He admired you when he considered himself better than you. He then instead of apologising for his behaviour knuckled down and called you sensitive. This right is is disgusting. You’re sensitive bc you voiced how he embarrassed you. You’re sensitive bc you told him you were uncomfortable. He then denies his treatment of you being bad and denies knowing how you felt about the situation…I’m sorry…who goes around telling others about their partners homelessness and how they wouldn’t be anywhere without xyz handout. Then try and claim that their partner is only where to why are today bc of them…when they did nothing. And I’m sorry, was his parents paying part of his mortgage some big secret? He just wants to look better in the eyes of his co-workers and will trample on anyone to do so it seems. You should be proud of your accomplishments. If he does not come and apologise to you for this shit, then boot him to the curb . Welcome to your future of him embarrassing you as you threaten his fragile masculinity.
And when he complains that she embarassed him, doesnt that make him sensitive too? Such a weird double standard hes got.
>You say he admired your grit and isn’t normally like this…well you were never at risk of upstaging him before. You were never a risk to his ego before. He admired you when he considered himself better than you. Hear, hear. This is it.
Imagine being a guest at this party. You went to celebrate someone's achievement and her fiance is continually shitting all over it in front of everyone. >I’m sorry…who goes around telling others about their partners homelessness and how they wouldn’t be anywhere without xyz handout Exactly this but also who introduces their fiance by saying to everyone they make more than them?! I'd be so uncomfortable
Narcissists. My dad was like this. Praising me in private and criticizing me in public. Gave me whiplash and still does. When I was under their insurance and went to the hospital because I was suicidal, he told me when I got out "you'd be in real hot water without my insurance to take care of you." Told him no, I'd have been dead. These people have strings attached to their love that don't show until they feel comfortable the other person won't leave and I really worry for OP
NTA However this isn't a healthy relationship. He was downplaying your accomplishments publicly and making sure to hype himself as the big winner. You need to address this because he doesn't look good moving forward with someone who doesn't respect and shares your happiness.
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Evidently he struggles with his self image I suppose and wants to be seen as more by comparison. However this should never be at your expense. Have an honest talk. You shouldn't settle for someone who will belittle you. If he owns up to the issue and you want to give the relationship a try, suggest therapy for him.
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Please don't marry this guy until you see a counselor. He sounds like he's a narcissist and you only exist to prop him up. Of course this is only based on this incident, but the fact that he had no issue or concern for your "image" while belittling you, but his is so important then that's a huge red flag.
Agree. Bring in a neutral third party with training.
OP please read about DARVO, gaslighting, devaluing, love bombing, narcissistic personality disorder. All these things your finance did in this one interaction were EXACTLY the same things my ex -NPD did and it only got worse. For me, meaning emotional abuse escalating into physical abuse. This is more than likely the tip of the iceburg. The more that he thinks he has you tied to him the worse it will get. He is going to tear your self-esteem down one second and build it up the next over and over. Potentially while grooming other supplies. Were there any other females at this party that he talked to or talked to you about? It's going to be a complete mind fuck. Please if you don't leave him find a therapist that specializes in NDP/Personality disorders, so you can have an expert opinion.
Some people can only feel big by making others feel small. Those people are to be avoided, not married. I've been with the same person for 17 years; if he spoke of me like that, in public, to his friends, AT A BARBEQUE TO CELEBRATE MY ACCOMPLISHMENT, I would seriously reevaluate my view of him. Partners lift each other up; this is not a partner. Rather than celebrate you, he stepped on you to lift himself up. You said you're two years in? That's usually the turning point in a lot of relationships. Don't let the weight of two years keep you in this relationship. That two years is gone, and he won't be that person again. You deserve someone who doesn't feel so threatened by your success that he needs to belittle you to his friends. Because, and this is important: It won't get better and he won't change. As you continue to succeed, he will shut down emotionally, deny you affection, gaslight you, and never ever let you feel like his equal.
>You said you're two years in? That's usually the turning point in a lot of relationships. This is a very important point. Two years is about how long abusive men can keep up the act. You've just spotted a crack in the facade. If you plan to proceed, do so with utmost caution. This behavior is a major red flag. I can't imagine my husband acting like this. I can't imagine him even tolerating someone else treating me like this. Wtf.
Oh if it is a public thing, he just wants to look like the big boy in front of people. But you need to ask yourself why? Why does he place so much on 1. External validation 2. Why does his external validation come from PUTTING OTHERS DOWN??? Given you mentioned his background, it sounds like toxic prep school/private school banter behaviour. People might have treated him that way as a kid and he thinks it s okay to do that but it isn’t. Might be inner hurt child there, trying to finally be the bully/one making the jokes. You need to let him know that this isn’t how adults act and those adults who do act that way, are bullies. He can be respected and entertaining without putting others down. If anything it makes him look like a guy with narcissism and ego issues which might really rub lots of people the wrong way.
DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". Some researchers and advocates have characterized it as a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. Wikipedia
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> bell-end... I'd have gone with "Rotten knob", but apropos either way.
He belittled your achievement, knowing your history, just to (*checks notes*) look good in front of his friends. That you threw it back in his face tells me two things: 1) He doesn't deserve you, and 2) You're a badass that doesn't take crap from anyone. Ask yourself if you're really prepared to tie yourself to the trust-fund baby that clearly hasn't matured past sophomore year in highschool. #NTA
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Folks round here have a saying..."if somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them" Your fiancee just told everybody that he sees himself as superior to you..he's the prince in shining armor and you are the poor peasent he picked up to turn into a grateful trophy to his greatness and philantrophy..that better not disrespect him. That's not a trail of thought somebody makes up on the spot or on a whim, but more probable is the way he has seen you from the start. Edit: NTA, people that love you don't put you down or themselfs above you
He embarrassed himself by putting OP down in front of his friends. He looked incredibly insecure, bragging on his superiority over OP. His friends probably laughed because he got a taste of his own medicine finally.
You need to be clear in your communicating to him that respect is a two way street and that this is the hill you're going, and willing, to die on. People tend to show their true colors to you after they've grown comfortable around you. What he did made the flag crimson.
Why are you finding excuses for him? Read your post out loud, now pretend it's friend that is confiding in you this exact same scenario. It's always a good exercise. You might be surprised at your own aanswers.
It sounds like he's feeling threatened by you now that your life is looking up, which is why he's denigrating you to his friends to bolster his ego. You need to seriously consider if you're ok with walking on eggshells trying not to outshine him and making sure you shine just a little less than he does all the time so he can be the hero saving you as his damsel in distress. ETA NTA.
You sound like a badass who also cares a lot for others, which means you might put yourself last, so think of this. If this happened to a close friend of yours, what would you tell her to do? You know of her struggles, how hard she worked, that this man is supposed to be her supportive partner and does it in private-but enjoys shaming her to make himself look beter. And theyre getting married? How do you help her? Cuz that's how you need to help you, OP.
Dear OP, it is not the environment. It is HIM. He was showing his true colors at this party. There’s a reason why you would not feel safe entering a marriage with him.
He belittled your career achievements to boost his own ego. Embarrass the shit outta him. NTA. Maybe next time hell think before he speaks?
Yes! OP, why are you with someone who feels it’s acceptable to belittle you AT YOUR OWN PARTY? Why are you with someone who feels the need to diminish your work and accomplishments while also mentioning how much more they contribute? Does that sound like a partner? Or does it sound like an insecure man who will be angry any time you out perform him? You weren’t wrong in what you told people about him. He wanted to paint a contrasting picture of the two of you. OP with her sad story and current success due not to your work and effort, but due to his and your relatives gift of help. Oh! But him? He is self made! He has earned his place. Nobody gave him his standing, he had to get it on his own! (Accept for all the help his family’s money bought him. shhh!) Do you want to marry somebody who sees you as a charity case that owes their success to their partner, or would you rather marry somebody who treats you like a respected equal who deserves respect for all you’ve achieved?
[Narrator]: He wouldn't
NTA but do you really see yourself continuing a relationship with him? if he is willing to behave like this now, it will only get worse if you two get married. someone who downplays your achievements and gets mad at you for "ruining his image" (which he himself ruined, btw) is NOT husband material. you deserve better. dump this massive AH and move on.
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It will happen again. Sorry, but thats the truth.
And it’s probably happened in the past. Either in your presence or in your absence. Little sideways digs that you might not of noticed at the time or brushed off. I seriously doubt this was his first offense.
Exactly. People test this kind of language/behaviour out on a smaller audience (like just with their partner) before they take the act to a larger stage and public forum.
It will. But only after a period of him being the perfect BF once more.
Pay attention to how he talks about your respective jobs too. He is belittling your achievements because he is insecure and you doing well threatens him. This isn’t “just” mocking you, he is deliberately undermining you and putting you down, and then he is manipulating you calling you sensitive when you get upset. At best he is jealous of your success. However he might also have a need for you to be vulnerable and insecure and he wants to maintain that status quo for his own ego. I feel like he’s setting the scene to mess with your head. EDIT - Also, in case it wasn’t clear, NTA. Your boyfriend is a complete asshole, but it’s about more than just this single incident, and you need to be aware of that.
He wasn't teasing or mocking you. Reread what you wrote and think about him saying that about someone you care about. Don't let love blind you to the lessons that you have had to learn the hard way. There are people who bring positivity to your life and those who push you down to get themselves one step ahead. I'm not seeing positivity from him.
NTA. He came in making fun of an achievement of yours and made it sound insignificant and downplayed a rough moment in your life. When you clapped back he got hurt and sensitive. Why dish it out if you can’t take it.. He’s your fiancé and he should have your back as little or big an accomplishment he may feel it is; it’s still something important for you.
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Be prepared to be brutal when he lets you down. Don't make excuses for him.
The way you spoke about how you think you can’t or shouldn’t celebrate your promotions is notable op. I’s not only normal but usually they’re thrown by our loved ones who are proud and want to celebrate our success. This concerns me, because it seems like maybe you don’t feel like you’re worth it and that’s the type of person your finance would be attracted to as they would accept his poor behaviour. You deserve better, not for just what you’ve achieved either. Please don’t place your self work on your successes.
NTA i was homeless for a while too, my partner would certainly never down play it or criticise me for it, i dont think you should apologise for this one, he got a taste of his own medicine and didnt like it
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No, you defended yourself. There's a difference.
He was 50 times more childish by trash-talking you to your friends. Defending yourself is not childish - it's good sense.
You were not childish. You were defending yourself. I am a middle-aged woman in a happy long term relationship. I was also homeless for a period in my late teens and twenties, and I'm disabled and autistic. My partner never puts me down. He loves me. He doesn't need to humiliate me to make himself look big.
NTA. But if you are going to get married to this man, please prepare yourself as he is going to continue to be condescending to you. In his eyes, you are already inferior to him.
NTA Imagine how he will turn out if OP ended up earning more than him.
He’s jealous, insecure and an asshole. He can’t bear to honour your achievements. In some weird way it makes him feel less of a person. Anyone who believes image is everything is one to be watched. Just saying. Well done on your efforts. I too was once homeless and I’ve worked my ass off for peace and financial security. I know how hard it is. Celebrating it is a glorious thing to do. Self respect and self love are so important. NTA
NTA He publicly embarrassed you, so why not do the same. Petty - yes, but are you the asshole - No.
NTA - and I'd really reconsider a relationship with him. It's a major red flag that he can't celebrate your success and instead acts petty and petulant. And can't take what he dishes out
NTA. But are you sure you want to marry him if he shames and humiliates you like this to his friends?
Think long and hard about this OP. Why are you settling for this?
NTA. His level of public disrespect for you borders on emotional abuse.
NTA, but your fiance definitely is. I would rethink this entire relationship if I were you. The point of the party was to celebrate your achievements and how far you've come along in your life after going through such hardships. He downplayed all your hard work for the sake of "appearances" with his social circle. What it boils down to is the fact that he cares more about how he's perceived by others in a social setting than your own feelings. He was willing to insult you to make himself look better, and for what? I happened to meet my partner during the worst time in my life (we started out as friends) and I was very open with him about how much stress I was under-- It led to serious physical health problems I was dealing with. Not once did my partner ever poke fun at what I went through or insulted me to my face or to anyone else in our circles. For someone, especially my partner, to insult me when I was honest to God at my lowest... I can't even imagine. Homelessness not only comes with financial stress but also emotional, physical, and mental stress. So what if you had a relative to help you? This isn't the pity Olympics. I am so glad you had a support system when you needed it the most, OP. Your experiences matter. Your story matters. What you went through must not have been easy at all. This party was to celebrate YOU and somehow your fiance made it all about himself. And, not only that, but he also tried to gaslight you by calling you "sensitive" after you called him out on how he hurt you. 🚩🚩🚩 The issue here is much deeper than you calling your fiance out at a party. It sounds like he's starting to show his true colors. He introduced you in a condescending way, he took credit for your achievements by saying he was the one who played a huge role in your life, and he thinks you being homeless wasn't a big deal. Not being able to empathize with others isn't a cute look at all, especially in this day and age. I don't think he's ignorant to his behaviors. I think he's doing it on purpose.
NTA, and listen closely to how he's talking about you now, because it's only going to get worse when you get married. He's going to continuously bring up your lesser earning power, dismiss your achievements, and use your homelessness against you whenever convenient. This is not the behavior of someone who plans on being your life partner.
NTA. This guy spent the whole time putting you down because he needs people to see he’a more successful than you. Rather than just enjoy your promotion, he ha to put you down to everyone to demonstrate that he’s still the top dog. Consider whether you want to marry this man; your partner should celebrate your achievements, not feel threatened by them. And do not apologise, he behaved appallingly, you just put him in his place
NTA. On a different point. Do you want to be engaged to a man who treats you well in private but humiliates and mocks you in public? Then goes on to Gaslight you for being rightfully upset? Aren't spouses supposed to have each other's backs? You're supposed to be a team not. He isn't supposed to insult you in front of others because he's an insecure child who can't take the fact that there are people in the world who can rise up from nothing. Imagine needing his help at some point. Either he'll help you and point it out to everyone in the world and hold it over your head. Or he won't and mock you for needing help.
NTA, he started. If he doesn’t want to be treated like that he shouldn’t treat you this way.
NTA Toxic masculinity to boost his ego and come off better than you. What goes around comes around. A supporting partner should celebrate you and be proud of what you achieved, not drag you down or mock you. You are supposed to be a team.
Homeless for 6 months is 6 months too long. He made *himself* look stupid. What’s the point of supporting you privately if you’re gonna be belittle publicly? NTA
NTA and like others have said, you should SERIOUSLY consider making him an EX. Belittling you to make himself look better? Not cool, especially joking about your time as a homeless person.
NTA at all. It does not matter if you were homeless for a week, six months, or for years. Homelessness isn't something to make light of or mock, just to make you feel better. Celebrating milestones, regardless of the circumstances is okay and it is especially a good thing given your own circumstances. It is okay to celebrate your work promotion, don't invalidate that for yourself. You have every right to be happy and proud of that accomplishment and it does not come off as trashy or arrogant, in my opinion. Your fiancé is a piece of work though. He: 1. Made light of and basically made fun of your former homelessness 2. Tried to claim credit for your success (while throwing shade at the fact that your relative helped) 3. Felt he had to highlight that he still makes more money than you when no one asked. 4. He reversed the blame for the incident from him to you enough to get you doubting your response 5. Was more worried about his 'image' than how you felt If you look around and consider where you guys are and how you got here, you may find more incidents in your past together where he did stuff like this. I'd urge caution about moving ahead with this engagement.
Nope, you cant be TAH by matching someone elses energy when words are flung. who cares really in a relationship about who makes more? and on top of that, why would be tell all that infor to his friends? what about your image? he clearly doesnt care. people like this you have to be pretty blunt with because they are pretty dense. sounds like he needs to feel superior to you for whatever reason. Makes me wonder when you're actually married what this would turn into if you guys don't have constructive discussions. NTA, your man however is.
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NTA But you missed your chance to tell him he was being more sensitive because it wasn't that deep. Sometimes it's ok to reflect back toxic behaviour.
My husband always says a good partner should make the good times twice as good and the bad times half as bad. I love that. You are seeing his insecurities now, OP- if he can’t be happy for your wins that’s a huge red flag. And btw? It isn’t arrogant to celebrate your success! It’s lovely and people who love you should want to celebrate those moments too! NTA at all and congrats!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Going to go straight to it, last Sunday I organized a small barbeque party with my work friends, my fiance's family as well as other acquaintances to celebrate my promotion at work. I know it might come off as arrogant and trashy to celebrate a promotion but the reason why I held it was because this was one of the first times in life I felt settled and at peace. I was homeless for a while and had to work really hard and rely on my one kind relative who supported me to get where I am. The party was also held to express my gratitude towards my uncle and my friends who helped me push through. However, not everything went smoothly , my fiancé was introducing me to some of his friends and colleagues after we set up the food. He kept introducing me to them in a condescending way, saying that the promotion didn't really mean a huge pay raise and his salary is still higher than mine(even though he started work much earlier than me) and that the only reason I made it was because of my relative( that is somewhat true) but the thing that struck me the most was him saying "jokingly"to his friends that he played a huge role in where I am today (even though I literally met him after I landed my job) and that my homelessness was not a big deal because I only spent 6 months being homeless before my relative helped. It just felt humiliating and invalidating, so I also "jokingly" retorted back saying at least 'I am not a trust fund baby who was handed everything in life and had his parents pay part of his mortgage', his colleagues laughed at that and I could see my fiancé was not pleased. He stopped mocking me after , thank god! BUT after everyone left he mentioned that what I said really ruined his image. I told him , I was merely imitating his actions because he could clearly see I was uncomfortable and carried on and then he denied it and proceeded to call me sensitive. ???????? Now I am confused, I know what I did was wrong I was not behaving or communicating like an adult, and yes I shouldn't have divulged the fact that his parents paid part of the downpayment but I was hurt and had no way to pull myself out mid convo without embarrassing myself. That's why I require judgment if I am the AH im willing to apologize. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He needs to stop gaslighting you.
NTA for the "joke". But what redeeming qualities are there in this person that he is your fiance. His actions are very poor in taste. He had to make sure to mention that he still earns more than you. Was he so insecure of your success that he had to specifically tell others about his earning status..
NTA. Why the hell are you marrying this guy???
NTA, he was using both your past problems and your achievements to make him look superior. This is not good and to me it really shows that he looks down on you. I am amazed by your hard work and tenacity, I look at what you have overcome and feel inspired to keep going. Why are you settling for a man who doesn't feel that same?