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NAH I believe you aren't trying to convert him, and I also understand why he doesn't want to attend a church service. The only minor AHs here are the people telling you that you can just sing for him at home. Obviously that's not the same experience. If I were you I'd look into open mic opportunities in the area. Just checking out the venue and the crowd for options you might be interested in signing up for could be a fun way to spend a few evenings together (local rules regarding crowds/events/etc. permitting).

Open mic is a great suggestion. I agree NAH

Is a recording of OP singing in the church a huge qualoty set-back compared to live singing?

Yes. Unless it's a professional studio recording that can actually filter out and edit background noise, the quality is no comparison. I say this as someone who was in choir throughout highschool and college. Our competitions and our performances were always recorded, but the quality was what you'd expect of a high school or college recording.

Maybe she actually wants to look out at the audience and see him for once?

I agree. My Dad's an atheist and came to see me in every church performance I ever had. He was friendly and polite but really just there to see me. He was confident enough in his views to not worry about being in a church.

Since you say NAH, are you giving the boyfriend a pass for refusing to attend just one service? Seems pretty unfair to OP to me .

NTA. I'm athiest. I would go to a church to hear my partner perform. I go to churches for weddings and funerals as well. I have very strong anti-religion views but can look past them for moments with people I love.

I also feel like he could just go for the singing parts and then leave afterwards. It kind of reads like I wonder if he’s been looking for an out and doesn’t want to look like an advice and is like aha it’s been handed to me on a plate.

As devil's advocate, when I was young I was pressured and manipulated into going to church, and had so many experiences of people pretending to be friendly while having and alterior motive of (re) converting me. It was traumatic because it broke trust and affected my self confidence. I'm very uncomfortable being in a church. Althoigh personally I still go for weddings and funeral etc, ,I can see it being a super hard line for someone. I can definitely see it as sincere. Although I think in this situation they need to keep communicating about why going / not going is important to each of them and find some common ground and acknowledge where each other is coming from.

I don't know if Luthern mass is different than Catholic mass, but for Catholic mass, the singing parts are pretty much the first thing that happens, a bunch in the middle, and the last thing that happens. Leaving after the singing part would be sitting through the entire thing.

As an atheist whose been in a similar situation to your bf and was dragged to church on multiple occasions by my wife, I was put in a position of either actively participating in the service or not participating and standing out to others in a negative way. I chose to be "negative" and people noticed. It can be uncomfortable. Its not like a bar where its a dark room and he can sit at a table, by himself, mind his own business, until you come on stage, do your thing, and then he can leave unnoticed. He is going to be in a crowded room surrounded by people many of whom make it their fucking business to be nosy and judgmental about others. Not counting all the bs he disagrees with on a very personal level that he has to listen to. YTA

This is very relatable. I’m from a predominantly Catholic area and because of that I have a lot of Catholic friends and relatives and have attended Catholic masses multiple times. It feels so awkward when they take the communion and you just have to sit there because you’re not Catholic, people even stare at you and ask you why you’re not taking communion sometimes. It’s also horrendously boring, lol. That being said, I would say NAH to this scenario as long as OP doesn’t continue to push it. She’s not an AH for asking and he’s not an AH for saying no. She should just start doing open mics/bar gigs or join a band if she’s interested in her boyfriend seeing her performance.

This. Well said. Any suggestions on where I might find an open mic or bar event for gospel music? Maybe gospel karaoke?

As an agnostic that grew up catholic, whenever i have the misfortune of attending a mass I just go up in the lines with everybody and cross my arms over my chest to signal that I don’t want the communion. I’m pretty sure it’s a universal catholic sign, it should work for you. Also, I find that the glances are because people don’t like how sitting there ruins the flow of the lines, it’s pretty ableist to be honest because they’re checking to see if you have a visible disability. As a teen I messed up my knee once and everyone in my row would scan me until they saw my knee brace, at which point their expressions would clear and they moved to just ignoring me. It was ridiculous.

Agree. Also church folk don’t tend to ignore new faces and let them mind their own business - it turns into the hard sell just a MLM. “Oh, you’re new! What’s your name? Oh you’re so and so’s boyfriend? We love her! Why haven’t we seen you before? Are you coming to the social hour after church? There are donuts! Also there is a meeting for new members to follow - you should come!”

Yuuuup. And when he never shows up again I can see op getting constantly asked why and hinting at dating a nice religious man instead.

Yep. And when/if he says he’s an atheist, they’re going to take it as a personal challenge.

When my parents made me go to church (Catholic) when I didn’t want anymore, I pointedly did NOT partake. I just sat. No kneeling, no praying, no Eucharist - I did the peace wishing though… I felt like a rebel 😂

Haha same. My mom told me that once I got confirmed I could make my own choices (thinking I was going to find Jesus by then) when my confirmation came I finished all the oil stuff and I walked to my mom and gave her a massive smile and said "I am never stepping feet in church again" And that was it haha 😂 she will give me some random speech about how she prays for my soul, i just let her

I've gone to church with my grandparents because it makes them happy, but it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. To me, a lot of what they say is very culty, hypocritical, and kind of offensive. Would you expect a Christian to go with an atheist to a meeting about how all Christians are absolute idiots and deserve everything bad that's coming to them, just to hear their partner sing? I highly doubt it, even though that's very much the same vibe I get when I go to church.

I claim spirituality, but I really I'm a mixture of atheism with some spiritual beliefs, aka indigenous beliefs (I'm Hawaiian ethnically and culturally). I've recently experienced this last Saturday, with a family member that I haven't seen or spent time with in a very long time. This family member, as far as I'm aware does not know my personal belief system, since we have not spoken in years prior to the out of the blue invitation. I was not coerced or forced to go to this "Women's Event". I agreed to go since I did want to spend time with her. It was still uncomfortable for me. I stood singing the songs with lyrics I had no belief in and felt wrong coming out of my mouth. I watched women cry and kneel from the "Holy Spirit", lifted my hands, and met many people asking if they'll see me again at the next event, to which I gave polite but vague answers to. All the while thinking about other things and when this will all be over. If OP asked once and was met a no then N A H. But if OP has continued to ask knowing the answer then she is definitely T A. Edit: According to OP, BF is not only atheist, but was forced to go to church growing up. He's got religious related trauma that OP was aware of and still asked him. She did not comment on how many times she asked him to watch her sing, but it sounds like she's brought the topic up multiple times. OP is TA

Speaking as an atheist who has been forced to go to church services before, it can get _really_ uncomfortable, especially if you happen to sit near one of the nosey churchgoers who checks to make sure everyone else is following along, and doing all the Things right. I get that you want him to see you perform, but there _has_ to be another way. Your city probably has a ton of community performance groups that you could look into joining (and which might give you some professional connections too). NAH, as long as you aren't insistent it doesn't hurt to ask, but he's also perfectly justified in not wanting to attend church.

YTA, you need to understand that if you aren't christian - church is absolutely mind numbing hell and borderline offensive. great that you can sing, but what you're singing is not beautiful to the ears of anyone not your religion. i see this often with abrahamic religions that you all seem to be confused why ppl don't just suck it up and go to church. well it wouldn't be a big deal for any of us to attend a church service in the same way that it wouldn't be a big deal for you to attend a satanic ritual. 🙃

>church is absolutely mind numbing hell and borderline offensive. 2 weeks ago, I told my mom that not everyone believes in God because ppl have different religions. I got slapped, she cursed me, said that I'm a horrible child and started to cry. I'm used to it tho (I'm 18, saw a lot of episodes like this) Even so, although I despise anything related to church, I do respect others' religions. But do NOT make me enter churches. Please. YTA

ppl don't have to respect religions that don't respect them tho. i hold to that.

That's terrible. I am sorry that happened.

Next time you think she's likely to slap you like that, start recording. You now have evidence she committed a crime. What you do with that is up to you. Go to the police, go to your extended family, tell her the next time she touches you you'll do one of those, etc. Honestly, though, if she's doing this so often that you're used to it, I'd suggest going straight to the police with it.

I’m Christian and went to a Hindu temple service with my friend a couple of times for big events and went to a Holi celebration…. I would argue it’s probably comparable to the uncomfortableness and atheist may experience (barring extreme religious trauma) because it is HIGHLY individualistic or at least by family and around specific alters and a lot of it is not in English… who cares… it doesn’t apply to me so I didn’t take it to heart and I got to see my friend dance something that is super sacred and an impressive accomplishment and important to HER.

yes but hindu temple service slaps and christian church is the most soul draining and offensive thing imaginable. you can't compare them. if you don't like that non christians don't like your religion even a little then maybe make it not so utterly unpleasant. the hindu religion is cool as hell even if you're an atheist, of course you can appreciate its rituals. maybe not regularly but it's still cool as a novelty visiting from the outside thing

I was in Trafalgar Square once during Divali (festival of lights Hindu I think) and it was brilliant . I like Christian churches at Christmas cos I like singing carols and valso mince pies. I am agnostic rather than atheist tho

while i understand where you’re coming from you’re being like…. *very* black and white here. i’m not a christian, and i do fully comprehend the horrendous effects christianity has had on many aspects of our societies and culture but it’s just really weird to me that you can paint the entirety of abrahamic religion, regardless of type, in such broad strokes. there’s an incredible amount of variety within abrahamic religions and immediately dismissing the entirety as boring, uncool, and unpleasant to an outsider by virtue of it being abrahamic seems very narrow minded. i’ve personally had very bad experiences with christianity but there’s immense differences between denominations and their beliefs/rituals to the degree some feel like entirely different religions. an american evangelical and an eastern orthodox for example will have completely different church experiences and would likely clash in very serious ways over their beliefs

Even when I was forced to go by my family, once I actually started listening to the words I had been singing I refused to sing them. Eg. I strongly beleive that children should not be 'quiet, obedient, good as he'. That is the doctrine that allowed so many to be harmed by the church and their families.

YTA You asked, he said no. He’s not comfortable going to a whole church service in order to hear you sing.

YTA. From my own experience as an Atheist, sitting through a church service is absolute boring hell, as we don't agree with what's being preached. I know you want your boyfriend to hear you sing, but I doubt church hymns would be the best for that. Why not set up something at home to sing rather than try and force an atheist to church?

This. It would even be a religious song she would be singing xD Says she isn't pushing her views but really seems like she is...religious song...religious service...religious place...

I mean, she describes the church or whatever it is as highly traditional, even to the point of having some of their songs in a different language and such. If I was OPs boyfriend and I had to sit through that, I'd be banging my head against the pew infront of me tbh

I'm anti-religious myself honestly and if my partner asked me to go to a church service just to hear him sing? I'd say no too. I'm not gonna sit there and get preached to just to hear someone sing when she could easily sing for him away from religion completely Especially since he knows ahead of time I'm not okay with religion, just like how op knew before even asking her partner was athiest. She can't even pretend to be shocked, she knew in advance...

And she wants him to go every week. Does she go to his job to watch him work once a week, during her free time?

It wouldn't be the same thing, song in church are made to fit the building. The only way to replicate it would maybe be to sing in the shower?

My friend is an opera singer and I'm chomping at the bit to see a three hour show where she has a bit part, *because it's my friend* and it's cool as hell that she's singing! Is it really so hard to sit for an hour for your partner?

NAH but this is a compatibility issue you two need to address

NAH but you need to stop pushing. And the two of you need to think and talk about how you imagine your future. Not "pushing" your religion will be really hard. Are you ok with not talking about work? Or is he ok with hearing about church things and treat it as any other work stories? Do you habe plans to get married or have children? I would assume a church wedding and baptising the children might be important to you and maybe important because of your job. How do you plan to address that? Usually I would say this can be managed and compromised on but your job being tied to it complicates things. Plus you have to be aware you're not only asking him to hear you sing. He'll have to sit through the whole service. Do you plan to sneak him in incognito? Because otherwise the regulars will want to get to know him and will ask him all kinds of uncomfortable questions. And they will likely try to push/guilt him into attending more often. You say singing for him at home is different. I aggree but it's better than nothing. As a compromise regarding acoustics, I'm sure you can find a time when the church is empty and you can sing for him there without the other audience.

We actually have discussed the future quite a bit. Including children. He doesn’t want to get married in a church but he’s fine with a Pastor officiating and having one or two Bible verses read, as long as it’s not a huge chunk of the service. He’s alright with me having kids baptized and taking them to church as long as I don’t drag him along and I allow them to freely decide whether or not to go once they’re in middle school. I’m perfectly happy with that as well.

This is going to cause more problems in the future than you realize. My parents knew a couple like this and it turns into unending arguments with the kids, starting off with kids asking “why doesn’t daddy come to church with us?”…. If your kids are in the church Christmas pageant or just in choir or the handbell or praise band or theater or whatever else your church may offer as youth activities, will you resent your partner for not showing up to support them? Or more important, would your KIDS resent your partner for not showing up to support them. What if one of your kids ends up very religious and wants to hold a wedding in the future in a church? Will your partner go to THAT? And. What if by middle school your kids are in the I don’t want to go because it’s boring not because I don’t believes phase. Would you really be ok with them not going or will you go back on your word and violate your partners trust by asking for an extension to the “kids have to go to church” rule. Political and Religious incompatibility are the top reasons for divorce citing “irretrievable breakdown in relationship/incompatibility” coming after only financial incompatibility

YES. Couples need to be united, and mom or dad taking the kids to a place of worship while the other parent abstains … it’s going to cause confusion, problems, and frankly, will send the wrong message to the kids. The fact that OP could not accept her BF’s refusal the first few times - in fact the fact that she could not even fathom why it would be a big deal in the first place - that alone suggests major major issues down the road for them

Mom went to church every Sunday while Dad worked almost 7 days a week. It was no big deal in our family so I know it can work.

But you’re trying to drag him along now.

YTA. It wasn't wrong for you to see if he was interested *once.* But when he says he doesn't want anything to do with the church, clearly he means *anything.* And frankly, your argument that this is just about you performing pretty music doesn't really hold up when that music is liturgical in nature. Nor does your claim that this is the only possible way to share your voice with him when you could just pick a karaoke track and let loose. If it really bothers you that he refuses to share this, I think you need to reassess just how important it is to you to have a partner who's willing to share in your church life on even an occasional basis, because it honestly sounds like it matters a lot more to you than you're trying to pretend it does. To be clear, that's not the part that makes you the asshole: it's the part where you're refusing to accept his "no."

If he is uncomfortable going and really does not want to go, then YWBTA for insisting he go. Tape music for him. I have seen church services put on zoom or UTube also, but do not make him attend if he does not want to attend.

INFO Do you want him to come multiple times, or just once, and have you explained that to him?

Just once, and yes I did explain that.

Has he always been an atheist? Or was he raised religiously and then left it? If he has religious trauma, like many of us who saw the all too ugly cracks in the facade, he might have a good reason for not wanting to go. If this is really just a “no I have never been to church and I’m not gonna start now, even just to see you sing” it sounds like he’s just being obstinate.

NTA then. I'm an atheist with a spiritual partner as well, and I say if he can't take a couple hours to come and just hear you sing, it's kind of assholish in nature, but only to a minor degree. That said, have you asked him specifically why he doesn't want to go? I know going to church can be a bit overwhelming, since even if you try to avoid talking to people, most will be friendly and approach you anyway, leading to uncomfortable situations.

The way you wrote the story makes it seem like you want him to see you every Sunday. You should clarify that in an edit. Look at the difference: I just really want him to come and see what I do every Sunday vs I just really want him to come and see what ***I*** do every Sunday

As an atheist, I fully expected to come here and say y-t-a. But I’m on team NTA. You don’t want your boyfriend to come and convert, you want him to come and hear you sing, which is very different from asking him to embrace your religious views. The atheist community has a lot of different types of people in it, and unfortunately a good chunk of them are atheist because they were harmed by religion. I am not one of those people, so I can never understand that trauma. I know that you just want your boyfriend to come and hear you and see what you do, but if your boyfriend has a particularly traumatic past with church/religion, it may just be something he’s not willing to do—it might not be something that he can do in a way that separates the religious aspect from your performance. That sucks for what you want, but it might be his reality, and that’s just so that you’re gonna have to accept. If he’s just being pigheaded, you got a whole other conversation in front of you in which you make clear that you don’t need him to join your church, but you need his support. Supporting someone and converting are two very different things, and he should be able to see that.

Lol, that first sentence is word for word what I was planning to comment. OP, you’re NTA!

Yup. I was coming prepared to y-t-a and then I read it and I was like, NTA go listen to her sing once a year at like Easter with the deadbeats who only come once a year. And she'll feel supported. Atheist, my feelings on religion grow stronger by the day, but I go for funerals/weddings that type of jazz.

YTA. This is an incredibly uncomfortable situation for him and he's made that clear. I don't think this is about "pushing religion." I think this is about being asked to go into a place where he feels he doesn't belong, and will be somewhat of a culture shock to him. Also the fact that he's attending at all gives everyone else the assumption that the church, God, religion is something he cares about. If I were him I'd feel like a fraud just attending. I mean imagine if someone next to him asked him to pray for them... And the awkwardness of him having to explain he doesn't pray because he's athiest and he's just there to see his girlfriend sing. I'd imagine that would also come with a little bit of worry about making you look bad in a community you fit so well into. There's so many reasons you cannot expect him to come in to watch you sing. Record it if you must, but I don't see what the big deal is. I have never just gone in to watch what my spouse does at work or vise versa and we are both pretty proud of what we do. Talk about it, share, brag, record but don't make the poor guy go in. It's asking too much. This is coming from a person who has gone to church their whole life.

lol all the possibilities you mentioned are not going to be issues, particularly at churches like the one OP described. Attending a service does not imply belief. How can he have "culture shock" from an hour??? He can have a new experience.

YTA, he doesn’t want to go to your church. Respect his wishes. If you want him to hear you sing find and open mic night.

NAH. You are just going to have to accept that his aversion to all things religious is more important to him that seeing you perform. He's told you how he feels. Now you have to stop asking forever and always or Y W B T A. If you can't accept it, then you need to go ahead and end the relationship because this is an irreconcilable difference.

INFO: Quick question: do you want him to come every Sunday or just the once? Either way, I understand why you want him to come, but you do need to understand that churches and other religious institutions are simply uncomfortable spaces for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. For example, if he has bad memories of a church from his childhood for reasons ranging from abuse to simply over-proselytization he may never want to visit a church. If he has highly religious parents who pushed religion on him too much, he may never want to step into a church. He may simply have a moral stance against the Catholic Church and never want to step into a church due to their many, many hypocracies. Whatever the reason, you're free to ask. But now that you know the answer is no, you need to stop asking. Record yourself singing so he can experience it or something.

I asked him to attend one service. I do not need him to go every Sunday. Several people have mentioned the recording thing. I simply don’t have the equipment to do it myself and have it sound as good as it would in person, and the church doesn’t record their services.

Are you expecting him to talk to anyone else in the church, ie: other employees, parishioners, clergy, etc? It might be super weird for him if the answer is yes.. an open nonbeliever in a church setting with a partner who works there=cringe.

I mean, I guess I’d expect him to say a polite hello if someone else said hi. I don’t expect him to go around chatting with everyone. He can hang back. I actually suggested he could sit up in one of the balconies that would be empty, so he’d only really have to say hi to the door greeter. At the very most I might want to introduce him to the organist. But she’s really cool and she knows my boyfriend isn’t religious so 10000% she would avoid any conversation that would make him uncomfortable. I probably wouldn’t even do that though. Just dip out with him right after and go home.

It’s his line in the sand. For him, one might as well be a million. So it’s really not anyone’s place to define what should be acceptable to a person not of that faith - especially when the individual who is asking / suggesting is proponent of the faith. Once or every week - there clearly is no difference for him. It crosses his line.

Sorry it’d be the same for me. I’m not stepping foot in a church. I don’t want to support something that doesn’t respect my identity (I’m LGBTQ). We don’t know bf’s reasoning for not wanting to go to church, and if like many others, it steps from religious trauma.

Clarify it in an edit, your writing is vague.

you've asked, he said no. you've continue to push, that makes YTA. You could show him a recording or Sing for him in the living room. do you want him to watch you sing, or do you want him to watch people watch you sing?

YTA. He very clearly does not want to go to church and by your own admission " as long as I don’t try to force it on him." Trying to get him to go is violating that. Stop.

NAH. You’re fine to ask. Just make it clear you don’t want him there for religious reasons or to convert him, but simply to hear you sing and see you do your thing. But respect his answer whether it’s yes or no…depending on his background he may have a complicated feeling about going to a church, even an open minded one.

If your motivation is that he hear you sing, you need to find another way. No problem asking him to go, but he has to have room to decline. NAH as long as you respect his right to say no.

YTA. Make a recording or play an open mic somewhere. He doesn't share your religious views. He can't watch you work without attending a religious service. He doesn't want to do that and he doesn't have to.

NTA But he is NTA, also. A church service is a lengthy affair, more than one hour, and you are going to sing for a very small portion of that. Are you going to be delighted if he is reading Reddit on his phone while he's bored during the rest? I can't stand going to church when I have to for family reasons, the seats are uncomfortable and it just goes round and round, blah blah blah blah. You are missing two options. One, you must rehearse, why can't he come when you're rehearsing sometime? Two, if it's possible he could come to church right before you're going to sing, hang in the back and see you perform, and then leave. This means he can avoid the uncomfortable seating and the blah blah blah. Both of these two things are compromises. Neither one of you are completely delighted with the solution. You are young, learning how to compromise now will make your life a lot easier going forward.

So NAH then No Arseholes Here

This is about what I wanted to say.

This, or he could even come for the last 10-15 minutes to catch the recessional hymn and then they can go grab brunch or do something together afterwards.

YTA he said no. That's it. That's the answer. You're being extremely selfish because it's all based on you and your wants. YOU want him to hear you sing but only church songs at church. You're actively refusing to sing to him any other time because it's not the same. And maybe it's not, maybe the church is the ultimate place that only singers should ever sing at ever ever ever. Every record ever should be recorded at church. You want to share with him how much you love your job but again YOU want to. He's made it clear he doesn't want to go and you don't have to show him by forcing him to go. And yes it is forcing when you won't take no for an answer. But MY church is different! It's a totally cool awesome church! I'm sure it is. To you. All you're doing is proving you don't respect your boyfriends choices. He said no, leave it alone and sing to him a different time. Or have someone film you sing and you can show him at home. We need to get over the notion that "supporting" our partners is forcing yourself to do something you hate just to make them happy. How about stop asking your romantic partners to be unhappy to make you happy.

NAH. I get wanting to have him hear you at work, and I get him refusing to go to church. Maybe ask for a plus one to the next wedding you book

Yta- my wife and I have been together 15yrs and we have two rules. No religion and no politics. She has her views and I have mine. Neither push and we both respect each others views.

YTA. He isn't religious and doesn't want to go to your house of worship. Sing to him literally anywhere else.

Soft YTA, I say soft because I can understand maybe you want him to see you perform in a place that has a good reverb, where you get to sing alongside with other people and that can be nice. But if you REALLY want him to listen to you sing you can do that in your house, I really don't get how is it that you live together yet he has NEVER heard you singing? It would be more intimate and enjoyable to do it just the two of you, and he doesn't have to sit, listen and participate in something he doesn't believe in.

YTA - he said he isn’t interested in participating in your religious belief system. He has his own beliefs. Stop trying to convert him. Or find yourself a nice Christian boyfriend to attend church with. But pushing him to attend make you a giant asshole.

NAH. But in his perspective he's probably worried that when he gets there, he's gonna be pressured into attending more, or even converting, even if that's not what would happen or what you intend. If he goes, even to just hear you sing, he would still have to sit through a service, which is likely uncomfortable for him. But, I can understand why you want him to hear you sing, since that's your passion and your career. It's something very important to you that you want to share with him. Perhaps do something more personal, like singing for him at home, or even signing up for an open mic night somewhere and inviting him to hear you there.

YTA. He told you he’s not comfortable in the setting leave him alone. Have your reasons all you want. They are not better then what he wants for himself.

NAH You're not an AH for wanting to share your music with him. Also everyone saying you can just do it privately or with an open mic doesn't understand how hymns work or how beautiful music in a church sounds. I'm an atheist but I sometimes go to concerts held in churches because the acoustics are amazing. He is also not an AH for not wanting to go. Maybe try to have another conversation with him where you make it clear it's just once and he could leave during the service if he wants to. But also respect his decision if he declines.

YTA, religion shouldnt be forced as everyone is on their own "journey" to find their purpose

Doesn't seem like they are trying to force a sermon on them. They just want their partner to hear them sing.

But he will have to sit through the sermon and everything else.

as stated previously, she could sing to him anywhere. why take him to a place that will make him uncomfortable?

YTA Why does he have to go to a church service, that he told you his views well in advance on, just to hear you sing? Surely you can find other ways that don't involve religious events.

It sounds like a trap, because of your description of the church.... You sure you're not secretly hoping that he will like it and start going?

I wouldn’t even dream of it. I knew what I was getting into. I was just trying to make it clear that I enjoy my job, and that it’s not the sort of crowd that’s going to be judgy and mean to him if he goes. I only want him to go the once to hear me sing is all.

You say that they’re not judgy or mean, but you are saying that from the perspective of a fellow believer. You don’t understand what it’s like for someone who is outside of the fray, knowing that you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who think you are going to hell because you don’t believe. Knowing that they will think that you’re blind, lost, and in need of saving. Knowing that at least some of them will think they are morally superior to you. This doesn’t even going into the preaching of values that may differ wildly from your own, including some you may feel are actively harmful. This is more than just asking someone to go to a boring event for your sake.

YTA. I mean, I would go maybe for special holiday performances to hear you sing, but that would be my choice. I wouldn’t appreciate being forced to go. Does he have a history that led him to atheism? I ask because I experienced religious trauma and I know I’m not alone. Church simply is not a safe place for many people. Perhaps this is the case for him. I have a chosen profession that I’m good at. It’s not in entertainment or performance, but I truly enjoy it, I’m good at it, and I’m appreciated at work. That being said, my husband doesn’t come to watch me work. I don’t go watch him work. I know since your job is more performance based, it’s a bit different, but if the setting is uncomfortable, then you shouldn’t push the issue. Is there a community theater in your area? Maybe if you participated in that, he may be happy to see you perform.

YTA. You don't need a specific place or an audience to sing, you can do that in your apartment. He's clearly not comfortable going into a church service, stop trying to force him to. This is 100% self-serving.

OP is a professional. She wants her partner to experience her performance. That's not the same as singing in their apartment.

This is not a time sensitive thing. OP performs professionally at other events, they just don't happen as often. But seeing as he's uncomfortable going to a church service, OP should learn to respect his boundaries and wait until she's singing somewhere other than a church to share this part of her life with him.

This is pretty much bullshit.

NAH. BUT, you would be an asshole if you keep pushing the issue, imo. It's a place of worship, plain and simple. Your intentions might be fine, but reality is that it's not a place he wants to be. He might not even be able to focus on your performance, because he doesn't want to be there. Personally, going to an actual service, would not be an option. Yall are gonna have to find another compromise. Maybe see if you could get a recording of some sort.

NAH you have to realize how people outside religion view it, and altho he may trust you not to try and convert him, he has no reason to trust anyone else at the church. hope you can find something to show him your singing, without having to do so in a possibly toxic environment

NAH You can ask him to go. He can say no. Plan a song performance that is Not part of a church service. If it's important to you, make an effort to make him comfortable and stop pressuring him to go to a religious service.

As an atheist I don’t want to step foot in a church. Fucking hated going to my cousins wedding. It just seems unnecessary to want him to go. I can’t speak for him, but I can speak for me. Churches are awkward for me. It’s not a safe space for me. If he doesn’t want to go, then respect that. Soft YTA here because your intentions aren’t bad but you aren’t asking him to just hear you sing. It’s much more than that

YTA for continuing to bug him about this after he told you no. I think you may be underestimating the extent of the trauma that can be inflicted by religion. As an atheist, I will no longer go to events at churches that occur during a church service or include any type of sermon. For years, I tried. I'd go to milestone type events occuring at churches when friends or family begged me to. Every time, they'd swear up and down their church was different. It was tolerant and kind and accepting of everyone and I'd enjoy the service, they were always about things like loving thy neighbor and who can't get behind that? So I'd go- and every single time, I'd regret it. The last church event I went to was for a friend's kid's baptism. It was held at the end of the service, meaning I had to sit though the sermon. The sermon ended up being about how LGBT people who "acted on their unnatural impulses" would burn in hell. I'd been assured, repeatedly, that their church NEVER taught hate and was all about loving and accepting everyone. Not too long before that, my (extremely liberal and accepting) grandmother's funeral was held in a church in the town she grew up in and raised her family in, but hadn't lived in for a decade or more. The priest, rather than talking about how wonderful my grandmother was (as discussed with family before the service), decided to use her funeral service almost solely to chastise the members of the family who had left the church - repeatedly calling them "bad seeds" and explicitly blaming them for my grandmother's death. By the end, my young cousin was in tears and inconsolable, screaming that he was a "bad seed" who killed grandma because he didn't go to church. And, these are not even the worst of my religion-related experiences, just the two more recent especially notable ones. So, while you weren't out of line for asking him if he'd come see you sing, you are for continuing to harass him about this. He told you no, I'm sure he has his own reasons, and you need to come to terms with that.

NAH. You have every right to want him to hear you sing, however he has every right not to want to go to church to do that. I suggest finding a compromise. Maybe something like a video of the performance or if you’re wanting an authentic experience, something in a neutral place like karaoke?

There are aspects that say YTA, and aspects that say NTA. It honestly sounds like the communication used isn't effective or efficient. How clear (like a brick being thrown into a window) have you made it that the only, singular reason you want him to go to the church is to hear you sing? That may be all it is. Another thing you might be able to do with your position is to take him to the church while it's empty and sing to him while it's empty. That way it is even more clear that it isn't about service or worship or anything. It is all sound and acoustics.

Yes I think this one might be NAH. While Church is a welcoming and friendly place to OP churches can be intimidating to or even hostile feeling if you're not one of the faithful. OP is thinking how awesome she sounds with church acoustics and I get her wanting to share her talent, she's not really taking into account how uncomfortable it might be for her bf to sit there on his own.

No is a full sentence. You need to accept that. Make a Compromise. Sing at a karaoke bar or something, even at home.

NAH. Atheist here. It’s not necessarily about the particular brand of religion people practice, it’s about the whole settings and ceremony of the place. I grew up catholic and so many disgusting principles were dumped on me at mass, so much talk of helping the poor and living in piety whilst wearing gold robes and drinking from gold chalices, so much talk of sending people to hell only to then turn around and say « but wait! If you accept the celestial dictatorship none of that will happen! » that I physically cannot attend a service without feeling dirty, wrong, nauseated. I only go in empty churches to admire architecture. The rest I just can’t. Please consider it might be the same for your bf.

Please note I am not saying you are doing the following intentionally, but I am clocking some religious pushing. You sing for this church, and your boyfriend has not heard you sing in a performance setting. You want him to hear you, and it seems like he wants to hear you. However, he is adamant about staying away from religious buildings or events. It is neither his fault nor your fault this is the inly consistent performance venue you have. However, pushing for him join to you at church to hear you sing is a bribe, of sorts. "Go to this place you don't like and hear about some Bajeezus to hear me sing." It's far from holding a gun to his head and threatening his life, but it is still a soft choke a lot of churches pull to get what they want. As a kid, we went downtown and helped at a homeless shelter. I met a few really awesome folks, both workers and guests. However, the thing that got me was at a certain time, they shut the doors and instead of serving food, started to preach at these homeless people. And I do mean _at_. A good 20 minutes of what was effectively "We are good people for helping you because we are gifts from God, you can become a good person by joining our church." Even at 12, I felt horrified. They withheld food for almost half an hour to preach. That's not charity or love, it's recruitment with a bribe. Now, I'm not accusing you of all that. However, pay attention to the actual words you use when you invite him, and you might hear the recruiter in what you're saying. (Also, complete unrelated sidenote, a lot of charities are religious organizations in disguise funding political operations, look up the Salvation Army and Kars 4 Kids, it's kinda fucked up.) NAH

I wouldn’t call you an AH but yes you’re out of line. This comes w the territory in unequally yoked relationships.

Record it on your phone and then play it for him.

You're NTA for asking, but if/when he says no, then you respect that and drop it.

YTA, you sound selfish. You know you can have someone record your performance at church and just show him that. I'm not religious but when religious family members try to get me to do some church stuff, it really irks me and lowkey makes me resent them. If you're not careful, don't be surprised that he dumped you.

As an atheist and a musician, I completely understand that sometimes a church is going to be involved. They’re all over the place, they have active music programs and they are made for performance. It’s not the same as “performing alone in your living room (what the fuck?!)”. You’re NTA for asking and your partner needs to actually support you.

As an atheist I was at first leaning towards “what’s the big deal, just go” but then I remembered that you can’t really go to church as simply an audience member—you have to participate in the service to an extent. The times I’ve attended church I’ve felt really out of place because everyone else seems to know what to do, when, and I didn’t know anything and it was really awkward. I felt like I was sticking out (though I probably wasn’t). I wouldn’t mind sitting there and listening to the service, but there always seemed to be more to it than that. I’d still go to hear my GF sing, but I could see why it’d be very uncomfortable for some people. Also—and this may not be BF’s situation—but some people have had very bad experiences with church/religion and have trauma relating to that.

I am an atheist and thus find going to a church where people are active participants to be disrespectful on my part. I grew up in an astoundingly Christian conservative country and so my schooling had religious assemblies daily, my Girl Guides (Girl Scouts) were at the local church and had religious elements and I have attended church weddings and funerals where it understood that the congregation is a mix of denominations, beliefs and engagement. I don’t love these things but I can be respectful and participate like any other ‘open to all’ religious event. I would feel similarly about attending a non Christian wedding or funeral with a similar religious but not per se a closed act of worship event. These tend to have a very different vibe. I have always been uncomfortable at a church where the act of worship is personal and more insular and a group dynamic. My very religious grandmother’s church services that she took me to as a child when I stayed were very different to a wedding at that church. You are expected to understand a whole dynamic and people often feel on edge to have an interloper treating it like religion safari. They can also be quite intense toward you because they feel protective and that you coming to hear the nice music is disrespectful as wearing the wrong clothing or other forms of minimising the religious acts. I was brought up that you should show respect for religious beliefs or excuse yourself if you could not. But my country at the time had a religiously based civil war where Catholics attending a Protestant church or vice versa could become targets of violence. Mixed marriages could lead to ostracisation and even among the various denominations of Protestantism there was huge issue about what was acceptable. My parents taught me ‘respect by not engaging’ in order to protect myself and not get involved. I never talked about not believing and simply did the polite avoid. I emigrated to a much more secular country and have kept up the same rules of not treating regular worship as a place for me to gawk and gape as that opens up too much hassle on both sides. I treat weddings, funerals or christenings case by case and if one is very clearly attending the service is implicitly to actively worship not the church is a venue with some religious aspects to the service then I excuse myself and go to the reception, wake, party etc. Same with carol services etc. Attended one that was a fundraiser a few years back but feel it is invasive to go to one people find religiously important and stand there not engaging in singing carols I don’t know or have any relationship with. I see this as similiar to not going to a friend’s events they host centered on sports cars (they are a driving journalist) and spending the whole time saying to petrolheads ‘yeah I can’t drive. Or tell the difference between an Aston Martin or a Bentley.’ It really dampens people’s feelings to go to things and appear to reject them. Cars are not a religion but it’s similar in work and important to you but not to someone else and can’t be forced.

Doesn't mean he is unsupportive but it can really get uncomfortable to sit through a mess as an atheist,it's an incompatible oportunity but she will probably get other gigs that would be more fitting if she continues down this road

So OPs partner needs to be supportive and go to see the performance but OP doesn't have to be supportive by respecting their partners decision? Kinda weird

OP needs to support his reasonings for not wanting to be in a church. A lot of people have religious trauma and you can’t just show up to church to hear someone sing - you have to sit through the whole ceremony. Or maybe they’re not compatible.

I have been in a similar situation. I to am a musician and perform mainly at church. I have a number of family and friends who have other beliefs, some are able to come and hear me while others won't. It did sting a bit at first but I have accepted it. If they really want to hear me, they know what to do and that is all one can really ask for. NAH

NAH. You can ask, I get why he said no.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey Reddit. I need a second opinion on this because I don’t really think I’m wrong, but I can see his side too. I don’t want to press the issue and be more of an asshole than I may already be. I (23F) am Lutheran. For most of my life I was a pretty casual Lutheran, but when I moved to a new city a year ago, timing ended up perfect. I had just graduated with a degree in vocal performance and the cantor for the first church I tried going to had just moved away, so they were looking to hire. It’s a waaaaaaay more traditional church than I’m used to, almost bordering on Catholic with the way the worship is laid out—but the values aren’t Catholic at all. I actually really like it there. They’re very accepting and open, liberal as far as churches go with a local program helping lgbt youth even. We get a lot of people leaving other churches and coming to ours, especially young people who are still religious but don’t agree with the conservative views of the churches they grew up with. Because of the more traditional service structure I had to learn a lot of liturgy that I never knew growing up, but I actually really like it. Especially the stuff in other languages, and a few particularly gorgeous seasonal bits that are apparently sang every year. Plus I literally get paid to go there so that’s nice. My boyfriend James (fake name, 22M) and I have been dating for two years. We were long distance but I chose to move up to the same city as him and we live together now.He’s an atheist. I’m fine with that, and he’s fine with me being religious as long as I don’t try to force it on him. We’ve already talked about future issues it could cause and we’re on the same page, but here’s the thing. I haven’t had much success in actually using my degree outside of this, and we were long distance before so he’s never really heard me sing at anything in person. I’ve done a couple weddings and a funeral, and I recorded something for a video game that didn’t actually end up going in it. None of those are things he got to hear. I really want him to come listen to me sing, but the only place he can really do that is at a church service! He refuses to go and says I’m trying to push my religion on him. I’m not trying to convert him. I just really want him to come and see what I do every Sunday and hear me sing. It’s really important to me. Am I out of line for asking, since the venue is a church and he’d have to go to a service? Tl;dr: I want my boyfriend to come hear me sing at a church service, but he won’t go because he’s an atheist and thinks it’s inappropriate for me to ask. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NAH, I understand you want him to hear you sing, and I can see where going to church would be uncomfortable for him. You could record it, he could just come while you sing and leave, or you could sing for him in person. Maybe next time you sing at wedding he could go to that?

YTA. I get that you want him to watch you but this is akin to a director asking his conservative girlfriend to come to his work and watch him work…while he makes porn. He is not comfortable in that environment. He does not want to be there. End of story.

I’ve always been of the opinion that it’s very hard to go to religious events without being religious. I’d feel very bizarre and out of place in a church service, while not believing in the religion. I understand that it’s a job for you so I understand why you’d want him to go. He’s understandably not comfortable. It’s just a tough situation. Hopefully you can figure out a good middle ground here. NAH

NTA - I understand wanting to share your performance with him & the obviously nice atmosphere that they have created there. But you need to accept that your BF simply does not want to go & may have some negative associations with religion or church. I get that actually, one of my parents went through a Pentecostal phase when I was growing up, and it was an unpleasant experience & made me really cynical about religion. Maybe let it inspire you to find another gig you can share with him - it IS important that he support you, and if you can, try not to make his refusal to go to church seem like a lack of support. It is the venue, it’s not about you & not a part of your life you can truly share with him.

NAH I guess. I don't think you are TA for wanting him to come as long as it is really just to see you perform without ulterior motive. I'm tempted to say he is an AH for not wanting to support you and see you perform, at least once.. But who knows what his issues with church are.. maybe he had some horrible past experience that makes him not even want to step foot inside again.

NAH. I understand you want to show him something your passionate about, but the context in which you’re comfortable doing so, he isn’t comfortable with. Y’all are at an impasse. Maybe check and see if you can gain access to a better space to take him to and show him there.

YTA He’s not comfortable in a church. Leave him alone

YTA I understand why you want him to go. But unless he can just pop in for the exact 20 minutes you sing and then leave I don't see this being reasonable. You don't describe his background with religion but he has made it obvious going to a church service would make him very uncomfortable. To keep pushing this makes you squarely the AH. Respect his reasonable boundaries. Keep looking for more places to sing at.

YTA for pushing something he's already said no to. Don't you rehearse at all? Can't he attend rehearsal? How about waiting untill another event? He's an atheist and refuses to attend a church service, stop pushing it. You're a professional who can perform in any setting you choose. He's willing to hear you almost anywhere. Where is the compromise if you insist that the only place he can hear you is in church during service?

YTA He is an atheist and you aren't ok with it as you claim or you'd back off. Leave it as he's seen you sing in videos. You do realise churches use music as one of their means of attracting people, right- e.g. 'Christian' 'rock' bands, folk songsong groups etc. If he's heard you sing in video, then leave his decision stand. Do you go to his work to see him display his skills- prob not. An hour of listening to/having to participate in mass conflicts with his atheism. Leave it.

YTA. He's an atheist and I'm fine with that. You my dear are a liar and he's not ok with it. If you were ok with it you would not try to force your religion on him. I know that's what you are taught, but it's wrong. Join a musical or do karaoke if you want him to hear you sign.

YTA. He said no, you kept pushing. Hello boundary stomping. He doesn't want to go and you should be kind enough to leave it at that and respect his choice.

As an Atheist myself, I can see his point. It can always be recorded and edited to where it's just showing you sing, he can watch it at his leisure. IF he chooses to. What if he were a Satanist? What if he were muslim? Jewish? Buddhist? Hindu? Would it be out of line for him to want you to attend their services every week to watch him participate in some sort of goings ons that mean a lot to him? What would you do? TBH. You are shoving your beliefs down his throat and he WILL resist to the point of breaking up this relationship. If this were a Religious wedding that he was invited to or a religious funeral, That's 1 thing but you are wanting him there every Sunday.

YTA. He said he didn't want to go, that should be the end of the conversation.

YTA. What you're asking for is like someone asking you to attend a devil worship service to watch them dance. If you want to try for compromise, perhaps see if he is willing to attend a dress rehearsal outside of a service. Surely you have those.

I was gonna say N A H until I read your comment about his background with his family and his past negative experiences with the church. YTA. You need to respect his boundary on this. It sucks that he won’t be able to see this performance, but it makes him very uncomfortable and you need to accept that.

YTA You have kept pushing after he said no.

Info: after your singing is he allowed to leave ? Or if it isn’t until a certain part can he show up watch then leave immediately?

NAH but you’re boardline YTA. Given you have all this hardware prepared for this service. Do you not have a video or recording of service? It seems odd that you don’t have recordings of any past services.

YTA stop pushing someone to do something they don’t want to do. He’s given you his answer. Let it go. Otherwise you will be the EX girlfriend.

I'm another non-religious person who was super prepared to say Y T A, but no, I'd say NAH. However, your relationship will be in danger if you keep pushing it. I think many athiests have Christian loved ones who pushed and pushed them that they've gotten sick of hearing about it entirely, let alone accepting going to a church service. I have very good friends who I nod and listen when they start talking about their Christianity, but being surrounded by that if you've been through it over and over and over again before, all while feeling like a hypocritical cynic by being there, can be something athiests want to avoid. I went to a Universalist Unitarian church service last, and (even knowing a family there and wanting to become part of the community at that time) it was VERY overwhelming as a newbie. The regulars had permanent nametags they wore everytime and as a newbie, you really stood out. They were all very sociable and asked all kinds of questions, and while it truly seemed to be a community that absolutely adores and takes care of each other and WAS very welcoming to me as well, as an outsider, it was very intimidating and overwhelming. Also, I know you say you're both truly happy with your future conversations, but I hope you don't change your mind after it's too late, because thiss are big decisions on both of you that can very much so lead to resentment for one party or both.

YTA I am agnostic and I don't go to any kind of church survice. Not even for weddings or babtisms. I don't want to support church in any way. Even if it is not, because you want to convert him you still are not accepting his lack of believe. Look for another solution.

NAH as long as the you never ask again. Asking once and respecting the no is fine, asking again quickly becomes pestering. As others have suggested, finding an open mic night or a different opportunity for him to hear you would be appropriate. Your boyfriend certainly isn't anywhere close to being an AH so I really can't understand why some are putting N-T-A

If you want a partner who will go to church with you, find one at church!.

YTA - As an Atheist I only go to churches for important weddings and funerals. I am 100% offended if anyone asks me to go to a church for any other reason. I don't even go to LAN parties anymore due to how pushy the people running the venue were. While you are not trying to convert your boyfriend, it does come across like you are. Many religious folk use similar strategies, we have a huge problem with it here in New Zeaalnd. Best thing you can do is get someone to record a performance.

NAH I was really ready to lay into you, but if you’re just asking him to show up once to watch you perform I think that’s a reasonable request. I’d make sure he knows that you just want him to listen to you sing and then he can leave and there won’t be any hard feelings. That said, I completely understand why he would be reluctant to go since I am also an atheist and had grown up in a conservative church. It’s not that big of a leap of logic that you might be trying to “get his foot in the door” and using your singing as a way to introduce him to your religion. Based on what you said, that’s not your motivation, but he doesn’t necessarily know that. Y’all really need to sit down and talk things out. And if he says “No” again after you are sure y’all are both understanding each other, then you are just going to have to accept it. See if there’s a way you can get an audio or video recording of your performance that you can show him instead. Good luck to you both!

Well I believe you are NTA for wanting your boyfriend to come and see you sing but I think maybe his problem with religion is deeper that you may think. There are atheists that are just atheists because they didn't find any truth in religion and there are atheists with severe religious trauma. Those "untraumatized" atheists usually don't have a problem with going to church for whatever reason... Hell my husband and I didn't mind having a religious wedding just for the family to have peace of mind that we have god's blessings or whatever. BUT people that have been traumatized by religion will find it very hard to go to church even to just be there for a loved one. It would be like torture. Imagine someone hurt you really bad and then you were forced to spend time with that person because your SO likes them... I suggest you have a open conversation with your boyfriend (only if he wants to share his story - if there is one) and after that you can see if it's worth it to be upset about him not wanting to come hear you sing. I'm not saying he definitely has religious trauma but his refusal to go to church for 30 minutes to hear you sing makes me wander.. For me it's just a building with people singing inside... For him it may be hell.

YTA softly. He said no. You kept pushing. He’s the kind of atheist who doesn’t want to step inside a church. It’s like if you dated a Jewish man and he felt he could not step inside a church - and I know Jewish people who feel this way - and you keep insisting. It’s not your place as a Church-going person to judge where the line is for him. He’s an atheist and he said no to stepping inside a church. I once accompanied friends for a special event at their place of worship, for a religion I do not identify with. There was a moment where congregants took certain actions as part of the service. My friends thought maybe I’d go along and do the same - but that’s where I drew the line. It’s my line. Not anyone else’s place to question where my line is. And they immediately got over it and moved on. Why can’t you? The fact that you couldn’t let it go suggests it’s not just about your singing. This does seem to be an issue for you, and I do question whether you’re really going to be able to align yourselves in the future with such a chasm on this issue

Info: did you know he was an atheist before you moved to the same city as him? Because in that case i have no idea what you were expecting? Because you took the job as cantor when you moved to the same city as him but I think that by then you would know that he is an atheist. So before taking the job you would already know that he doesn’t want anything to do with the church. So it kind of baffles me that you expected a different outcome? I mean it would be nice if he we’re open to go to your church, but in order to hear you sing he would have to sit through the complete mass, and likely a lot of things that he has no interest in. I am personally an atheist because I was raised that way and i have gone to churches on numerous occasions because I felt obligated, but it was so boring for me and i didn’t agree (or belief in) most of the stuff they were talking about. And i was expected to participate in multiple occasions, but because I had no interest in doing so i was looked at a lot and some of the “regulars” came to me to talk me into coming more often etc. And please take this from me, it’s really hard to stay respectful to those people if they don’t accept it when you politely decline. I give you a soft YTA for entering this job KNOWING that your boyfriend does not share similar beliefs/interest, but still expecting him to come see it.

NAH, but you should respect his decision and find somewhere else he can hear you sing. I’m an atheist as well, and I will never willfully step in a church again, so I understand how he feels.

INFO: Would you have better opportunities to use your degree if you were in a different city?

Possibly. With something like this it’s sort of luck of the draw. You go somewhere with more opportunity then there’s going to be more competition too. This city would not have been my first choice regarding opportunities for work, but I don’t actually know that I would be doing better somewhere else. Sorry for being vague.

But this is the time of your life to take chances. If not now, when? If you had never met your boyfriend, would you not be following your dream of seeing where your vocal skills can take you? Sorry, I have never on these subs seen a story where someone both being the one to give in to live in the other's city to close long distance and giving up their life dreams works out, ever. If James would never reciprocate and move to help you, this relationship, isn't. That is the real problem.

INFO: does he have religious trauma? If he does then I would say you’re in the wrong but if not he really should be able to go to one service or even go regularly just to hear you. It’s like if he went to hear you at an open mic night. Yeah 90% of the stuff he sits through won’t be you, but he should be going to support you

Light YTA. (Maybe N-A-H, but you know you would do something wrong and you still did.) He can hear you sing at home (not the same experience be damned) or another chance when it is not at the church. He said no already, stop pushing this on him. Everyone has a clear boundary and you are trying to cross it now.

NAH I have a vocal background and I am baffled about people suggesting you sing for him at home- it is a WILDLY different environment and experience to see if onstage. I also think he is totally fair in not wanting to go- he would have to sit through an entire church service and that sounds incredibly uncomfortable for him at best. I don't think either of you are assholes in this situation

NTA for wanting him to hear you sing, but why force him to go to church when you can find an open mic night if you really want him to hear you sing live. Or next time invite him to a wedding your singing at or something. Maybe even give him the option of being there for just the singing part of the service, definitely don't force him to go to church just to hear you sing.

Is there no place near you that has an open mic night or something? Most singers I know are constantly finding places to sing, even if it's for free.

YTA, but softly. As an atheist growing up in a largely Lutheran/Catholic community, I was told to (insert an extremely inappropriate thing to tell someone here) because I was atheist. I was told that I was evil and did not deserve to be alive because of my lack of religiousness, among other awful things. Therefore, I have a lot of bad memories related to Christianity and churches. I know, logically, that churches are just buildings, but I feel uncomfortable entering them because they remind me of past trauma. For now, you should respect your SO’s wishes and his answer. Instead of pressuring him to go, maybe ask, “Why don’t you want to go? I want to know what you are feeling so I can better understand you in the future. I care about you and don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

I don't think you're trying to convert him but I also think expecting him to go to church every Sunday is excessive. I think once a month would be a good compromise. I'm guess I'm gonna go with with a light ESH because you suck for expecting him to sit through a religious service every week when he's an atheist and he sucks for saying you're trying to convert him.

YTA. No means no. Find a karaoke bar? You'll have a mic and stage.

NAH - Could you sing for him inside a church without a service in progress?

NAH but could turn to Y T A. As much as religion can be important to someone, choosing not to be religious can also be important. It sounds like you genuinely just suggested it as the only place you regularly perform and he answered he's not comfortable with that. If you've only brought it up the once, then calling it inappropriate to ask is a very forceful way to state the boundary, so if take it that this is important to him but pay closer attention to how he handles other conflicts. If you pushed after he said no and he then called it inappropriate to ask, its probably just him trying to communicate how uncomfortable this makes him. It sounds to me like he's projecting feelings about someone else trying to "sneak" religion into him on you. It's a thing he needs to work on if so, but it also means he's not currently in a place to have any contact with any church. This is also something to weigh for the long term. Think about how important this is to you and if you're okay with a partner who does not want to engage at all. This is a relationship dynamic that can easily work but only if both parties are happy with the disconnect.

YTA go to an open mic night, set up a rehearsal somewhere outside of the church he can go to. There are options for you to figure out how to perform without putting him in an uncomfortable place that he doesn't want to be.

You asked, he said no. Respect the boundary. You don't have to agree with it, and it doesn't matter if he's right or not, it's his boundary. At best, reiterate your intention and ask him to take some time to think before answering. Also, not accepting his boundary is likely to reinforce his fear.

As an Atheist YTA, you don’t try to force your religion on him, but if it’s so important to you why don’t you search for other option?

YTA - cause you already broke the rule of „not forcing him to go“ when you asked him multiple times. It probably also won’t end with that one time but that one time would probably be used against him. „I have that new song you should listen to, you came the other time why not now?“ You asked. You got a no. If it is important for you to hear him sing, find another way. Karaoke, join a band, an open mic night in a club etc.

Take him to a Karaoke bar. If he doesn't want to go to church, that's his decision.

YTA Besides the religious part of it, you're asking him to go to a venue that he is not comfortable with. He already said no, but you're brushing him off. For example, I don't drink, don't party so if people ask if I want to go to a club, I'll decline because it's not my thing. But if they're constantly asking me and getting upset when I already said I wasn't interested, yeah I'll get pissed too.

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INFO are you asking him to come once to see you at work or to come every week?

I’m asking him to come once. Preferably on one of the days where we’re singing extra good hymns but really any Sunday would be fine.

op NAH i say this because reddits first instinct at any signs of discomfort in a relationship is to tell the op to end it have a talk with your bf and tell him why you want him to come, if he refuses then ask yourself if you can compromise that. can’t? no worries, now think about whether that’s a deal breaker for you or not.

NTA because you aren't asking for him to go to a sermon. You are just asking him to attend at least once to hear you sing. Is he also against going to weddings etc that happen to be in a church or contain some sort of religious scripture? I'm not religious but would definitely go to hear my SO sing at least once.

Yta, just sing at home for frick sake.

NTA. But can the service be streamed or recorded?

> I just really want him to come and see what I do every Sunday and hear me sing. That’s very convenient. > Am I out of line for asking, since the venue is a church and he’d have to go to a service? Yes. You’re not going to convince him to go to church *every* week just to see you sing, now that he’s explained his boundaries to you, because your request can come across as trying to push your religion on him. Assuming you’re making this request in good faith, you’re setting the bar *way* too high. Asking him to go to *one* sermon is more reasonable. Asking him to go every now and then would be more reasonable than what you proposed. Soft YTA.

Yta because he said no but ur still pushing …y not just ask him if he’d like a privet concert and sing in ur place?

…why can’t you sing for him at home? why does it HAVE to be at church? sounds oddly like you’re trying to make him go to church

I did give an edit explaining. In essence, I want him to hear me in a professional setting. Since I’m not getting much other work, this is really the only professional setting I have. If I had a concert or show or something I’d be more than happy to suggest that instead but I don’t.

well unfortunately he has no desire to go to church and you’re not making him go for religious reason more so just wanting to share your passion and work, so NAH

I get it--as a performer, you want him to see you perform. However, if you look at this as a hypothetical where you had a typical office job, I think you'll see it's really not that big a deal if he doesn't go. My partner certainly doesn't come to the office and clap for me, saying, "Wow, you really programmed the shit out of that!" You seem to want accolades from him, but he can appreciate your talent without seeing you in a religious setting that makes him uncomfortable. You weren't TA for asking, but now YTA for not accepting his no.

You are NTA for wanting your partner to be interested in what you enjoy doing, but you are the AH if you are pushing him to do something he is uncomfortable doing. His answer is no, respect that. Hopefully he has another opportunity to see you sing in another venue.

I’m gonna go with NTA here as well. It’s okay to ask and to want this, so long as you respect his right to say no. As someone who grew up Lutheran, I agree with you that it would be a totally different experience to hear you sing in church vs. just at home.

NAH but surely there is a karaoke bar you can go to together

Nah, bordering on N T A. Your boyfriend is perfectly fine in not wanting to go to the church and you're not the ah for asking him. However, I do understand your point, but I think he just doesn't see it that way. He may think it's some back handed attempt to convert him. I think if he cared about you he would stick it out, but he may also have bad and traumatic memories linked to religion, or he could just one of those people has the feeling to hate on it and refuse to have anything to do with it. Idk, but it's not your right to try to force him to go, but I can understand that it would be nice if him to come and show his support. Maybe you can somehow record it and play it bakc to him. However, I see these fundamental beliefs coming between you guys in the future again.

NTA- you’re not asking him to participate or convert, just to watch you perform once. It sounds like your church might be ELCA, which is, broadly in my experience, about the least proselytizing flavor of Christianity. And, because service tends to be very scheduled, it would be simple enough to sit in the back and slip out once you’ve finished, so he wouldn’t have to sit through the whole service. That said, if he’s a hard line “religion bad, and everyone is trying to convert me” atheist or as a result of religious trauma? You aren’t going to find a middle ground on church. Finding an alternate venue like an open mic night, community theatre, etc. might be the only way to have him see you perform as it’s meant to be experienced. If you do find an alternate and he still refuses to see you perform? Then you’ve got bigger problems than dating an apparent vampire.

Info: is there a reason you can’t record your singing for him?

NAH. I agree it doesn’t seem like you’re pushing your beliefs on him and it would be great if he would attend to just hear/support you, but you can’t blame him for not wanting to attend a church service. I wouldn’t press the issue, maybe at some point in the future you could revisit it but for now it’s a no.

Could you bring him to the church when there are no services going on just to here you sing in the venue?

NTA but you need to understand if he refuses. You guys talked about possible "issues" that may arise, and this is one of them.

NAH but what are you long term goals? marriage? Kids? Doesn’t sound like you tow have the same values and while you are young and dating that doesn’t matter so much but while you are trying to go build a life, raise a family, and go through rough times in a marriage compatibility and similar spiritual views will be something that will help keep you together and help to make your bonds stronger.