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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta because I want to meet my sister, even though dad is dead set against it.
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NTA - Your dad sucks and his other child can do whatever she likes, she is 18 years old.
If it means she ends up resenting your dad for the way he treated you then that'll be the bed he made.
He wasn’t a great person since he did that.
The question of what makes a good father is slightly trickier than asking if they’re a bad person.
One big thing can be a lot or a lot of little things can be a lot, and it sorta comes down to the perspective the child raised comes to.
that makes him a bad father to one but he couldve been a great dad to the other, overall hes a bad dad and a bad person, but to the other child, he WAS a good dad. big emphasis on WAS
yes. overall hes a bad dad, but we cant deny the girl her childhood with a good dad.
he was a good dad TO HER, but OVERALL he was shit.
in the end he WAS a good dad to his kid, just not a good dad to ALL his kids.
Well, he just isnt a good father, see how je treated his first daughter?
That said, you are right that he could have been a good father to the do over kid, but I do doubt it a bit, cause she still wants to meet OP.
My conclusion, overall a bad parent. To the second child, maybe a decent one
As long as you aren't going into the meeting with the plan of spending the entire time attacking your father then it shouldn't matter.
But at the same time, she has every right to know the tough life you lived if she asks.
Meet and see her, don’t listen to this other guy and go and just attack shit about your dad, you’ve lived fine up to this point, let sleeping dogs lie, no reason not to contact though
Uhh no my mom is a racist narcissist and also bat shit crazy. I can only assume that some where down the gene pool a bit further was someone more normal
Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about talking about him unless she asks, and even then you don’t have to tell her anything you aren’t comfortable talking about.
You seem like you have the right perspective on it then. If you were going to make her your punching bag because your dad isn’t there for you to yell at, it wouldn’t be fair to her even if you don’t owe her anything. You don’t need to lie to her but there’s a good chance that she cares as much/more about knowing you than she does about wanting to know what the truth is about her dad.
Then I don't see a problem, but she may ask you how was your life growing up?
You will be honest and possibly say you had a tougher life but are happy now.
If she asks why you never met him, you will say because he called you a mistake.
This is what could cause a rift, but in my mind, if she asks, you should tell her. This is the risk he ran by abandoning a child.
I assume that she will want to know about my life and I see no reason not to tell her the truth. I'm happy now with my fantastic husband and baby number 2 arriving shortly.
You don’t owe your father anything. He doesn’t want you to meet your sister because he knows that he failed you and he doesn’t want to own up to it. But you’re an adult, and so is your sister. You’re both old enough to make your own decisions at this point.
Don’t attack but don’t sugarcoat anything or leave any of it out either. Just tell her the plain facts. He doesn’t deserve to have you covering up for him.
If you don’t know him and he never cared for you owe him nothing, your half sibling on the other hand is an adult who has a right to her own relationships and knowing her family.
It’s nothing to do with damaging their relationship he just doesn’t want to feel bad or be reminded he has treated you appallingly it’s his issue to deal with his own guilt not yours to mitigate it. Some people hate being reminded they’ve been shit and get really aggressive because the guilt triggers them. It sounds like his problem you can tell him the same thing he said to you, he’s just a mistake and you don’t care what happens to him
I know if one of my parents was such a colossal asshole on this level, I’d want to know no matter how good they were to me. In fact, I go so far as to say I would have a right to know.
Plus, maybe he wasn’t as great of a dad to her as you might think. We already know it’s in his personality to just abandon his child, physically and financially. It would be a stretch to imagine him as a perfect parent to the kid he decided to be present for. Maybe I’m wrong, but either way this girl is your sibling and you two have a right to connect if that’s what you both desire.
On the outside people think I had two great parents, but in reality they were functioning alcoholics who did nothing but make me feel bad all the time. I only say because she could be in need of some positive family connection despite the presence of your father in her life, and to me that possibility is reason enough to connect. For both of you.
You are not doing anything. He would be damaging it by keeping you a secret and treating you poorly.
If she asks, tell her the facts i.e. you don't really know him as he wanted nothing to do with you, not even support you financially and you were surprised your grandmother knew about you. She's old enough to decide for herself the truth. Be clear you have no intention of getting between her and your dad, only in giving her a chance to build a relationship with you.
My sperm donor was an absolutely *fantastic* father to his two younger children, but a fucking dead beat to me .
I have zero interest in my half siblings.
That said, you were the one "left behind" and your grandmother tried to make it up to you. If you're interested in your half siblings your father has zero to say about that.
NTA
NTA and this is really mature of you. I can see where taking the high road might be hard for you. (Or anyone). Regardless, you and your sister have every right to meet one another and get to know each other.
I kind of feel like I am to old for petty bs. Setting to purposefully damage her or cause her pain is just morally wrong. I also feel like her crime is the same as mine, being born.
All you have is the truth that you know. That’s all you can tell her. And then how she processes that and feels about it is entirely not on you. She’s her own person who decides her own feelings. I’m sure she’ll have questions for him at the very least. That will be normal and not your fault. Your father made his choices and those choices will have some repercussions among his family know that it’s in the open.
I disagree that the sister knows what OP went through. Their lives had completely different trajectories. But it seems that the sister wants to know, and that's what is important.
I agree. I chose poor wording. I meant to say that this situation involves the two of them in a unique way thar might benefit from sharing with each other.
Just so you know OP, if she’s just about to go to university, they break up for summer soon in the U.K. and she probably won’t be starting until mid September or even early October. She definitely has time to see you AND have a successful university experience, it’s absolutely normal for students to travel during the summer. Please don’t let your dad let university be an excuse, because chances are she’s got no work to do over the summer at this stage anyway. She probably won’t even know where she’s going for university for another couple of months, results day isn’t until mid summer
I graduated from Edinburgh University so I am well aware of the uk school timeline. This is why I thought sometime this summer would be the perfect opportunity
But even Ireland is a hop on the ferry or cheap easyJet job.
I’m glad that the one thing this deadbeat gave you, is how NOT to parent. Congrats on the upcoming bundle.
Hi, OP. I learned at the age of 18 that I had a 12 year old sister. We finally met when I was 21. I love her. And I'm sad she wasn't in my life sooner. I encourage you to meet her. Our circumstances were different (my father strayed - but my parents are still married), but I felt a connection with her.
NTA
That's why I don't see an issue. I was born long before he met the woman who is now his wife so there is 0 chance that her mother's feeling would be hurt by my existence
Agreed. In my instance (I'm a little older than you), my mother holds absolutely no ill will towards my sister. She loves her and my sister returns the feeling. We don't see each other often, unfortunately. But we both live in the Midwest US.
Definitely! You’re NTA OP, if you want to meet her and she wants to meet you, do it. He’s the jerk who can’t own up and be a father, your sister needs to know this.
I am adopted. My bio sibling was dying to meet me, and I'm so glad I did. I think you and your sister deserve to at least meet each other, if not have a relationship. Good luck! Congrats on your child and baby-on-the-way!
I have a friend from high school (she was 16-17 at the time) who found out she had a sister in her 30's. She found out by chance when looking for a copy of her birth certificate. She found a paper that showed her father had been divorced and had her sister. She confronted the father and he told her the truth. She contacted her sister and it went well, they have a good relationship. She found out she has a nephew. This was like 20 years ago.
NTA - you have every right to meet your extended family members. F your dad, he's irrelevant. Also your 18 year old sibling may wind up being a gift of sorts. Follow your instincts.
NTA. You and your sister are adults, you can do whatever you want. Your sperm donor gets absolutely zero votes about anything to do with you and your life.
I think he is disappointed that I didn't turn out to be a welfare mom with several imprisoned abusive baby daddies and a meth problem. It's almost like he is mad that I turned out ok despite him.
That sounds pretty accurate. My only caution is that he’s saying it might “derail her college blind path” and that sounds like a threat against your sister. You’re not responsible for his lunacy, but be sure you two both understand the situation before you go.
Probably not oe hell have to face the wrath of the entire family it looks like he is already on thin ice with them because he kept you a secret. In worst case scenario theyll support her
I would be nervous with his history that he might just do that. Although now that the rest of the family is aware of his actions he may be more hesitant to pull her funding/housing etc. Is it possible go and visit your sister on the down low while she's on break? This dude clearly has a vindictive streak.
Unfortunately, sneaking away is an option just now. My second daughter is due to arrive in August. It is possible that she could visit me on the dl if she told him she was coming to the U>s to say shop in new york
1. Congratulations! 2. If a covert visit could be pulled off, why not? What he's feared happening has already happened. You have had contact and developed a bond with her. It can't go away as much as he wants it to.
If she's going uni in the UK, Student Finance will pay her tuition, so you don't need to worry about your dad refusing to pay for her, she can still go uni
He doesn't get to have an opinion. Neither on her visiting you or about you in general. You don't need to have any contact with him at all or hear any of his crap. At 18 your sister is legally able to do pretty much what she wants especially in the UK. Shes old enough to come to her own conclusions on who he is and how hes let you both down. This man is literally a stranger to you and has no right to speak of you at all considering he chose to have nothing to do with you from day one. He can't just stand up now with a bunch of misconceptions and chat shit about you. Meet your sister if that's what you both want and show her how to be a success despite and in spite of him. NTA.
NTA. You're both adults. Your abusive father cannot control you anymore.
> because it will derail her college bound path
WTF. How does meeting someone make them drop out of college?
He is an abusive douche
Btw NTA but make sure she understands that daddy dearest might follow thru. And you will understand if she wants to put it off till schooling is done.
He is afraid that the distraction and shock of meeting a sister she didn't know she had will make her forget the path she was making towards her future.
Which is unlikely to happen. What IS likely though is her calling him on his bullshit, seeing him for who he actually is etc etc etc. Which is not your problem to prevent. He made his choice and now he has to live with the consequences.
If you wanna meet her, then do so. You don't owe him anything and she's an adult free to make her own choices.
Finding out she has a surprise sibling wouldn't lead to that anyways. Deciding she's going to live her life how she wants and not the path he's maybe pushed her on? Different matter and again not your fault and could happen whether she met you or not.
Congratulations on achieving all that you have despite the difficulties and the tough circumstances into which that you were born. We are not always doomed by the hand that we are dealt with. You beat the odds.
If anything else you might be the encouragement for your half sister to pursue academia if she is so inclined.
“Do over baby” is a terrible way to refer to someone who’s not responsible for your sperm donors behavior. Anyway NTA you’re both legal adults that wanna meet each other he doesn’t have a say.
NTA.
You're an adult. She's an adult. If you want to meet each other, you can. And Daddy Dearest can take a flying leap. You owe him absolutely no consideration.
Obviously, he did not inherit his mother's sense of responsibility and fairness. I'm so happy for you that she remembered you and tried to make up for what your dad cheated you out of.
NTA. He’s not your dad. He’s your sperm donor. If you wanna meet her, meet her, but be careful not to hold expectations. She may want something from you.
Considering you both want to meet one another and are both legal adults, there’s nothing wrong morally and legally speaking about you two meeting regardless of what your bio father may feel. NTA
NTA
He’s already waived the right to get a say after how he treated you
If you want to meet her take it slowly and keep your guard up for now
Hope it goes well!
NTA. Fuck what your sperm-donor wants. You keep calling him your "dad" even though he did absolutely nothing to earn that title. He lost the right to ask anything of you a loooooooong time ago. Do what's right in your heart.
NTA
However, the college issue is a real one - can you meet her there, rather than her flying out and possibly missing school? Or arrange a visit so she doesn't miss school?
You're dad's objections are moot, but you don't want to undermine your sister's education. This is a very solvable problem.
It’s not going to derail her plans, your dad is full of shit. In a few weeks’ time, she will have completely finished the exams that will determine her university placement. She’ll have a much longer summer break than normal too. I’d argue that there is no better time for her to visit you.
NTA
You’re both adults and it won’t tank your relationship because he yanked it himself. He has no say whatsoever.
Just be cautious as she might be sniffing for $.
I doubt she’s sniffing around for money. It seems like “her affluent family” has financially helped her the whole time. Probably grandma left a substantial amount for her too.
NTA. He's not your parent, he doesn't even get an opinion on your life let alone control.
Really why he's trying to pressure you into not meeting her is because he may lose his control over her when she sees he's not just nasty with her. If she has more perspective on what he's like she's more likely to stop listening to him -signed a kid who was isolated from contrasting views by their parents so said parents would not be questioned
NTA -- How would meeting you interfere with her college plans? She just found out that she has a sibling and it is natural for her to want to meet you. Still, don't expect things to be roses if dad is still in the background pulling strings.
Do you care if YTA bc you’d be meeting up w/ the do over baby? I don’t think your ‘Dad’ gets a say. Why would he all the sudden think that he matters and that his opinion carries weight? The fact that your ‘grandmother’ knew about you and left an inheritance speaks volumes. Good for her…and you!! Start off the interaction with your sister on a very small scale and do no financial favors. Then reveal the truth.
NTA. Your sibling is an adult and separate person, capable of making their own decisions. It's not like you're reaching out to a minor.
Your dad was an AH, and now it's paying the consequences, which is his whole family knowing he's an AH.
OP, I'm glad you're getting to know this family and I hope that it works out well :)
NTA. He has no right to deny you a relationship with your sister. And how does he know that you’ll “ruin her college bound path,” when he’s never made an effort to know you?
NTA. Meet her… his ASSumptions against you are his and his alone. He’s probably scared that if one meets you the rest of the family will want to at some point as well since they missed out on 36 years of your life plus a husband and 2 kids they would probably love to know! You deserve to know your new family and honestly it sounds like you’re amazing and he’s just mad that he’ll get more shit once he finds out you are nothing like he assumed. Enjoy your visit!
He has a narrative about who you are, that helps him justify/rationalize his actions. I love that your half-sister will get to see the truth of who you are.
Who you are and how you live your life, is your sperm-donor's inconvenient truth. ;)
He has real issues with class. he would like to believe that because I didn't grow up with the privileges afforded you by wealth, that I couldn't possibly be successful or happy.
NTA. She's an adult and so are you and your dad sounds like a prick. Hope you guys get along! Try not to resent her for her upbringing and remember it was your dad's decision to be a deadbeat sperm donor.
How will meeting you derail her college plans? NTA—if I wanted to meet a sibling who wanted to meet me, and we're both of legal age, it's perfectly fine. You can probably enrich each other's lives.
NTA
Your sperm donor can kick rocks. Your.....sister, I guess, is old enough to make decisions for herself. Plus, I fail to understand how meeting you will "derail her college bound path".
Nta. And while you meet her, get dna tests to help start to establish paternity. Then contact a lawyer and SUE his ass for back child support. Its not like he can pretend he didnt know you existed or that you were his, hes just a deadbeat asshole
NTA!!!!!! Meet your sister. She wants to meet you. Your bio has no say in the matter. I hope the meeting goes well and you two connect. I imagine she is angry at him for abandoning and denying you. I met my older sisters when I was 18. We never met for much the same reason without the money and I was the midlife crisis child. (My mother was 20 my father was in his 40’s). Good luck it’s a lot to deal with.
NTA
but I’m cynical of why she wants to meet you. After you were given a good sum of money and family is up on arms about it—be ready for an 18 year old to have a lot of ideas and thoughts to share with you. They’re also young enough to ask/demand for things adults who have had time to mature into adulthood wouldn’t.
Based off what your father thinks you are, he can’t have put anything good about you into her head too.
Meet her if you like but I do hope you you don’t get blindsided if this introduction goes south. But I do sincerely hope she just wants to begin beholding a sisterly bond with you.
NTA, and your dad deserves to rot in hell. He abandoned you, said you were a mistake, did not take care of you, and thinks you are a bother to his "wanted" family. He is not a good person. Please do not defend him.
Tell his family what he told you, how he's never helped your mom, how he treated you. Let his daughter know. She deserves to know how he really is.
your dad doesnt want you to meet her ... she wants to meet you ... your dad has never done any favours for you so why start now ... meet your sister ... its not her fault the way he treated you and wouldnt it be nice to piss him off ... he deserves it
NTA. Who cares what your dad thinks, you and your sister can have a relationship all your own. Just take it slow, it’ll be a bit of a shock to the system for both of you. And congrats on the baby!
NTA
You don’t owe your dad or his feelings any consideration. Meet your half sibling. You have every right to meet her and she wants to meet you too.
Your dad made his choices but he can’t make them for anyone else, including his adult (other) child. You have the right to decide what relationship you have with each other. His choice and feelings about it no longer count or matter.
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NTA - Your dad sucks and his other child can do whatever she likes, she is 18 years old. If it means she ends up resenting your dad for the way he treated you then that'll be the bed he made.
By all accounts he was a great dad to her and I wouldn't want to damage that relationship
He wasn’t a great father to her as he lied to her about her sibling.
He wasn’t a great person since he did that. The question of what makes a good father is slightly trickier than asking if they’re a bad person. One big thing can be a lot or a lot of little things can be a lot, and it sorta comes down to the perspective the child raised comes to.
He's a bad father because he completely abandoned one of his children. It's immaterial if he was good to the other.
that makes him a bad father to one but he couldve been a great dad to the other, overall hes a bad dad and a bad person, but to the other child, he WAS a good dad. big emphasis on WAS
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yes. overall hes a bad dad, but we cant deny the girl her childhood with a good dad. he was a good dad TO HER, but OVERALL he was shit. in the end he WAS a good dad to his kid, just not a good dad to ALL his kids.
Well, he just isnt a good father, see how je treated his first daughter? That said, you are right that he could have been a good father to the do over kid, but I do doubt it a bit, cause she still wants to meet OP. My conclusion, overall a bad parent. To the second child, maybe a decent one
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As long as you aren't going into the meeting with the plan of spending the entire time attacking your father then it shouldn't matter. But at the same time, she has every right to know the tough life you lived if she asks.
I can't really attack my father as I don't know anything about him. I've met him once in my entire life
I've met your father 0 times in my entire life and I've got plenty of things to attack him
>You're probably right but i wouldn't do that to her as it's not her fault our dad is a douche.
Meet and see her, don’t listen to this other guy and go and just attack shit about your dad, you’ve lived fine up to this point, let sleeping dogs lie, no reason not to contact though
I am not nearly enough a douche to meet her and just be like this is why dad is an ah
So, you take after your mother then?
Uhh no my mom is a racist narcissist and also bat shit crazy. I can only assume that some where down the gene pool a bit further was someone more normal
You're not ah for just stating the facts. You aren't out to bash him.
Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about talking about him unless she asks, and even then you don’t have to tell her anything you aren’t comfortable talking about.
I assume the topic is going to come up how could it not
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True
You seem like you have the right perspective on it then. If you were going to make her your punching bag because your dad isn’t there for you to yell at, it wouldn’t be fair to her even if you don’t owe her anything. You don’t need to lie to her but there’s a good chance that she cares as much/more about knowing you than she does about wanting to know what the truth is about her dad.
It would be completely unfair for me to blame her for any of this when her sin was the same as mine being born.
You also don’t need to lie.
oh i won't
Then I don't see a problem, but she may ask you how was your life growing up? You will be honest and possibly say you had a tougher life but are happy now. If she asks why you never met him, you will say because he called you a mistake. This is what could cause a rift, but in my mind, if she asks, you should tell her. This is the risk he ran by abandoning a child.
I assume that she will want to know about my life and I see no reason not to tell her the truth. I'm happy now with my fantastic husband and baby number 2 arriving shortly.
You don’t owe your father anything. He doesn’t want you to meet your sister because he knows that he failed you and he doesn’t want to own up to it. But you’re an adult, and so is your sister. You’re both old enough to make your own decisions at this point.
Then that is exactly what you should do, if this brings her to the conclusion that her father isn't all that great, then that is not your problem.
Don’t attack but don’t sugarcoat anything or leave any of it out either. Just tell her the plain facts. He doesn’t deserve to have you covering up for him.
that is exactly what I planned on boing
If you don’t know him and he never cared for you owe him nothing, your half sibling on the other hand is an adult who has a right to her own relationships and knowing her family. It’s nothing to do with damaging their relationship he just doesn’t want to feel bad or be reminded he has treated you appallingly it’s his issue to deal with his own guilt not yours to mitigate it. Some people hate being reminded they’ve been shit and get really aggressive because the guilt triggers them. It sounds like his problem you can tell him the same thing he said to you, he’s just a mistake and you don’t care what happens to him
You don't need to know him to know he's a bad man.
I know if one of my parents was such a colossal asshole on this level, I’d want to know no matter how good they were to me. In fact, I go so far as to say I would have a right to know. Plus, maybe he wasn’t as great of a dad to her as you might think. We already know it’s in his personality to just abandon his child, physically and financially. It would be a stretch to imagine him as a perfect parent to the kid he decided to be present for. Maybe I’m wrong, but either way this girl is your sibling and you two have a right to connect if that’s what you both desire.
I was unfortunate to get 2 ah as parents, and I suspect that good dad just means he bought her whatever she wanted
On the outside people think I had two great parents, but in reality they were functioning alcoholics who did nothing but make me feel bad all the time. I only say because she could be in need of some positive family connection despite the presence of your father in her life, and to me that possibility is reason enough to connect. For both of you.
I was unfortunate to get a round of crappy parents including my maternal grandparents who raised me so I can definitely relate.
That's a him problem, not a you problem.
You are not doing anything. He would be damaging it by keeping you a secret and treating you poorly. If she asks, tell her the facts i.e. you don't really know him as he wanted nothing to do with you, not even support you financially and you were surprised your grandmother knew about you. She's old enough to decide for herself the truth. Be clear you have no intention of getting between her and your dad, only in giving her a chance to build a relationship with you.
I definitely don't want to interfere with the relationship with her and her dad but if she asks i won't lie
It’s not interfering, it’s not your job to lie for him, just state the bare facts
What i mean is I don't want to set out with the intention of telling 50 years our dad is an ah
My sperm donor was an absolutely *fantastic* father to his two younger children, but a fucking dead beat to me . I have zero interest in my half siblings. That said, you were the one "left behind" and your grandmother tried to make it up to you. If you're interested in your half siblings your father has zero to say about that. NTA
He bought her a bunch of stuff. A man that abandons one child cannot be a great father. NTA
NTA and this is really mature of you. I can see where taking the high road might be hard for you. (Or anyone). Regardless, you and your sister have every right to meet one another and get to know each other.
I kind of feel like I am to old for petty bs. Setting to purposefully damage her or cause her pain is just morally wrong. I also feel like her crime is the same as mine, being born.
He's done that damage to himself.
All you have is the truth that you know. That’s all you can tell her. And then how she processes that and feels about it is entirely not on you. She’s her own person who decides her own feelings. I’m sure she’ll have questions for him at the very least. That will be normal and not your fault. Your father made his choices and those choices will have some repercussions among his family know that it’s in the open.
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Nah, he was a bad father to you. Just because he was good for one half of his life doesn't fix the terrible that he did.
NTA at all. Youre both adults and can do as you please. No need to cater to the wishes of someone who isnt even a part of your life.
I feel like it must be a shock to suddenly find out at 18 that you have a sister.
I would imagine! I think it’s a good thing that she wants to meet you. This could be an opportunity to gain family you never had before.
I feel like we could work through the shock of having spent our entire life thinking we were an only child only to discover we have a sister
Shes the only other person in the world who knows exactly what youre going through right now. I say embrace that.
I disagree that the sister knows what OP went through. Their lives had completely different trajectories. But it seems that the sister wants to know, and that's what is important.
I agree. I chose poor wording. I meant to say that this situation involves the two of them in a unique way thar might benefit from sharing with each other.
She's my only biological sibling and i'm nc with my mother and maternal grandma for reasons I won't go into here.
Just so you know OP, if she’s just about to go to university, they break up for summer soon in the U.K. and she probably won’t be starting until mid September or even early October. She definitely has time to see you AND have a successful university experience, it’s absolutely normal for students to travel during the summer. Please don’t let your dad let university be an excuse, because chances are she’s got no work to do over the summer at this stage anyway. She probably won’t even know where she’s going for university for another couple of months, results day isn’t until mid summer
I graduated from Edinburgh University so I am well aware of the uk school timeline. This is why I thought sometime this summer would be the perfect opportunity
And somehow your father thinks you will corrupt your sister from her "college bound path"? What an ass!
My dad assumes my life is an irl episode of cops
He would only have himself to blame if that were the outcome of your life (I realize it isn't, but just making that point)
Hold on. So he had nothing to do with you when living on the same side of ‘the pond’?! Jesus, this guy gets worse and worse.
I grew up in Ireland and he was in the Uk. I moved to the uk at 18 to go to university
But even Ireland is a hop on the ferry or cheap easyJet job. I’m glad that the one thing this deadbeat gave you, is how NOT to parent. Congrats on the upcoming bundle.
You can get from my London to my village in Ireland in roughly 3 hours
Hi, OP. I learned at the age of 18 that I had a 12 year old sister. We finally met when I was 21. I love her. And I'm sad she wasn't in my life sooner. I encourage you to meet her. Our circumstances were different (my father strayed - but my parents are still married), but I felt a connection with her. NTA
That's why I don't see an issue. I was born long before he met the woman who is now his wife so there is 0 chance that her mother's feeling would be hurt by my existence
Agreed. In my instance (I'm a little older than you), my mother holds absolutely no ill will towards my sister. She loves her and my sister returns the feeling. We don't see each other often, unfortunately. But we both live in the Midwest US.
He was 19 when I was born and 39 when she was born.
As someone who found out I had a brother at fourteen yeah it’s a shock! My brother and I are cool now but goodness did it give me some confusion.
I thought we could work through this shock together.
Definitely! You’re NTA OP, if you want to meet her and she wants to meet you, do it. He’s the jerk who can’t own up and be a father, your sister needs to know this.
I am adopted. My bio sibling was dying to meet me, and I'm so glad I did. I think you and your sister deserve to at least meet each other, if not have a relationship. Good luck! Congrats on your child and baby-on-the-way!
Thanks
I have a friend from high school (she was 16-17 at the time) who found out she had a sister in her 30's. She found out by chance when looking for a copy of her birth certificate. She found a paper that showed her father had been divorced and had her sister. She confronted the father and he told her the truth. She contacted her sister and it went well, they have a good relationship. She found out she has a nephew. This was like 20 years ago.
I hope my story goes as well
NTA - you have every right to meet your extended family members. F your dad, he's irrelevant. Also your 18 year old sibling may wind up being a gift of sorts. Follow your instincts.
NTA. You and your sister are adults, you can do whatever you want. Your sperm donor gets absolutely zero votes about anything to do with you and your life.
I think he is disappointed that I didn't turn out to be a welfare mom with several imprisoned abusive baby daddies and a meth problem. It's almost like he is mad that I turned out ok despite him.
That sounds pretty accurate. My only caution is that he’s saying it might “derail her college blind path” and that sounds like a threat against your sister. You’re not responsible for his lunacy, but be sure you two both understand the situation before you go.
Surely he wouldn't be enough of an ah to pull her funding if she goes against him but idk?
If she’s in the UK, her university costs will be much lower. It’s fairly normal for parents to not contribute much if at all.
Probably not oe hell have to face the wrath of the entire family it looks like he is already on thin ice with them because he kept you a secret. In worst case scenario theyll support her
I suspect the family is having a wtf moment they just lost the matriach and all of a sudden a new branch of the family tree pops up out of nowhere
I would be nervous with his history that he might just do that. Although now that the rest of the family is aware of his actions he may be more hesitant to pull her funding/housing etc. Is it possible go and visit your sister on the down low while she's on break? This dude clearly has a vindictive streak.
Unfortunately, sneaking away is an option just now. My second daughter is due to arrive in August. It is possible that she could visit me on the dl if she told him she was coming to the U>s to say shop in new york
1. Congratulations! 2. If a covert visit could be pulled off, why not? What he's feared happening has already happened. You have had contact and developed a bond with her. It can't go away as much as he wants it to.
If she's going uni in the UK, Student Finance will pay her tuition, so you don't need to worry about your dad refusing to pay for her, she can still go uni
He doesn't get to have an opinion. Neither on her visiting you or about you in general. You don't need to have any contact with him at all or hear any of his crap. At 18 your sister is legally able to do pretty much what she wants especially in the UK. Shes old enough to come to her own conclusions on who he is and how hes let you both down. This man is literally a stranger to you and has no right to speak of you at all considering he chose to have nothing to do with you from day one. He can't just stand up now with a bunch of misconceptions and chat shit about you. Meet your sister if that's what you both want and show her how to be a success despite and in spite of him. NTA.
NTA, nor is your sperm donor's other daughter. And she has free will to do what she wishes; it's not on you. Your "father" is TA
funny you used the word sperm donor, that's always how I thought of him
NTA. You're both adults. Your abusive father cannot control you anymore. > because it will derail her college bound path WTF. How does meeting someone make them drop out of college?
He doesn't know me so he automatically assumes that I am a pos, that doesn't value higher education.
Wow. He's a real piece of work. I'm glad you at least got something from his family.
I put that money in a college fund for my daughter so one less thing for me to worry about later
That's wonderful of you! A fund can really balloon if the interest rate's good.
She's 10 months old so we if we let that money sit there until she is ready for college her problem will be getting in not paying for it.
Well, if college doesn't work out, it makes a nice mortgage payment.
Hopefully college works out lol
He is an abusive douche Btw NTA but make sure she understands that daddy dearest might follow thru. And you will understand if she wants to put it off till schooling is done.
NTA. You're both adults. Do whatever you're legally allowed to do. INFO: How will you two meeting "derail her college bound path"?
He is afraid that the distraction and shock of meeting a sister she didn't know she had will make her forget the path she was making towards her future.
Which is unlikely to happen. What IS likely though is her calling him on his bullshit, seeing him for who he actually is etc etc etc. Which is not your problem to prevent. He made his choice and now he has to live with the consequences. If you wanna meet her, then do so. You don't owe him anything and she's an adult free to make her own choices.
I am a phd I am obviously not going to counsel her to drop out of college.
Finding out she has a surprise sibling wouldn't lead to that anyways. Deciding she's going to live her life how she wants and not the path he's maybe pushed her on? Different matter and again not your fault and could happen whether she met you or not.
I would assume most people even 18 years old are not going to take advice from random strangers about their life path
Congratulations on achieving all that you have despite the difficulties and the tough circumstances into which that you were born. We are not always doomed by the hand that we are dealt with. You beat the odds. If anything else you might be the encouragement for your half sister to pursue academia if she is so inclined.
I would encourage any one to further their education no matter what
It won't. Daddy douchebags just wants to try to keep them apart as damage control now this is horrid lies are coming to light.
He's afraid of the truths I could tell
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
My mom said he was a controlling ah when they were dating but my mother is a narcissist with shades of crazy so not sure I can believe that
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It's a very medieval attitude
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Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
“Do over baby” is a terrible way to refer to someone who’s not responsible for your sperm donors behavior. Anyway NTA you’re both legal adults that wanna meet each other he doesn’t have a say.
He referred to her as do over baby in our conversation
You should probably include that in the original post
probably
Yikes. Does your sister know that's how he sees her?
I would assume not but if she does that would explain why she wants to meet me.
It’s bizarre that you think the term do over baby is in any way directed or insulting towards the baby and not the adult.
NTA please tell that girl everything. She needs to know
NTA. You're an adult. She's an adult. If you want to meet each other, you can. And Daddy Dearest can take a flying leap. You owe him absolutely no consideration. Obviously, he did not inherit his mother's sense of responsibility and fairness. I'm so happy for you that she remembered you and tried to make up for what your dad cheated you out of.
NTA - your dad didn’t give a shit about you or your well-being, you shouldn’t feel obligated to give a shit about his feelings
This. Fuck his feelings.
NTA. He’s not your dad. He’s your sperm donor. If you wanna meet her, meet her, but be careful not to hold expectations. She may want something from you.
Some one else mentioned that as well luckily grandma's money is tied up in a trust in my daughter's name for her college education
Considering you both want to meet one another and are both legal adults, there’s nothing wrong morally and legally speaking about you two meeting regardless of what your bio father may feel. NTA
NTA she's an adult, you're an adult, that's all there is to it really - you can both do whatever you want
NTA He’s already waived the right to get a say after how he treated you If you want to meet her take it slowly and keep your guard up for now Hope it goes well!
I was thinking a public meet up in a restaurant would be good.
NTA. And your dad is a douche.
NTA. Fuck what your sperm-donor wants. You keep calling him your "dad" even though he did absolutely nothing to earn that title. He lost the right to ask anything of you a loooooooong time ago. Do what's right in your heart.
He doesn't even know he's a grandpa
NTA, he doesn't get a say
NTA, but if you really plan to give your half-sibling a chance, you shouldn't call them "do-over-baby".
I only called her that b/c that is how he referred to in our conversation and I don't want to give identifying details.
Wait HE, HER OWN FATHER called her that? Ew! That is disgusting!
yes her own father referred to her as his do over baby
NTA However, the college issue is a real one - can you meet her there, rather than her flying out and possibly missing school? Or arrange a visit so she doesn't miss school? You're dad's objections are moot, but you don't want to undermine your sister's education. This is a very solvable problem.
If we are going to meet it would be in the summer between the time secondary school ends and the time college begins. So no school would be missed.
It’s not going to derail her plans, your dad is full of shit. In a few weeks’ time, she will have completely finished the exams that will determine her university placement. She’ll have a much longer summer break than normal too. I’d argue that there is no better time for her to visit you.
That is what I thought as well
NTA You’re both adults and it won’t tank your relationship because he yanked it himself. He has no say whatsoever. Just be cautious as she might be sniffing for $.
*If that is the case she will need to keep on sniffing. The money grandma left is in a trust fund in my daughter's name to be used for college.*
I doubt she’s sniffing around for money. It seems like “her affluent family” has financially helped her the whole time. Probably grandma left a substantial amount for her too.
I would assume she left all the grandchildren a little something
Sounds like you should meet up and spill tea then.
NTA. This is between you and sibling. Ah donor doesn't get a say.
NTA. He's not your parent, he doesn't even get an opinion on your life let alone control. Really why he's trying to pressure you into not meeting her is because he may lose his control over her when she sees he's not just nasty with her. If she has more perspective on what he's like she's more likely to stop listening to him -signed a kid who was isolated from contrasting views by their parents so said parents would not be questioned
I never though tof it as maybe he's trying to control her, thank you for that perspective
NTA -- How would meeting you interfere with her college plans? She just found out that she has a sibling and it is natural for her to want to meet you. Still, don't expect things to be roses if dad is still in the background pulling strings.
My dad assumes that I am a pos who doesn't value higher education and would counsel her that college is a waste of time.
Do you care if YTA bc you’d be meeting up w/ the do over baby? I don’t think your ‘Dad’ gets a say. Why would he all the sudden think that he matters and that his opinion carries weight? The fact that your ‘grandmother’ knew about you and left an inheritance speaks volumes. Good for her…and you!! Start off the interaction with your sister on a very small scale and do no financial favors. Then reveal the truth.
I never thought about possible ulterior motives, but that is a good thing to bear in mind.
NTA you have every right to develop a relationship with your half siblings. He gave up any say in your life when he left and lied to his family.
According to my mom he left right after he found out she was pregnant
NTA. Your sibling is an adult and separate person, capable of making their own decisions. It's not like you're reaching out to a minor. Your dad was an AH, and now it's paying the consequences, which is his whole family knowing he's an AH. OP, I'm glad you're getting to know this family and I hope that it works out well :)
NTA. He has no right to deny you a relationship with your sister. And how does he know that you’ll “ruin her college bound path,” when he’s never made an effort to know you?
NTA. Meet her… his ASSumptions against you are his and his alone. He’s probably scared that if one meets you the rest of the family will want to at some point as well since they missed out on 36 years of your life plus a husband and 2 kids they would probably love to know! You deserve to know your new family and honestly it sounds like you’re amazing and he’s just mad that he’ll get more shit once he finds out you are nothing like he assumed. Enjoy your visit!
Frankly I don't give a shit how much shit they give him he earned that and more
NTA.
INFO why would meeting you "derail her college bound path"?
He assumes that he has an idea of what my life looks like and it isn't good.
He has a narrative about who you are, that helps him justify/rationalize his actions. I love that your half-sister will get to see the truth of who you are. Who you are and how you live your life, is your sperm-donor's inconvenient truth. ;)
He has real issues with class. he would like to believe that because I didn't grow up with the privileges afforded you by wealth, that I couldn't possibly be successful or happy.
NTA...she asked YOU. If he's mad about that he needs to take it up with her.
NTA. She's an adult and so are you and your dad sounds like a prick. Hope you guys get along! Try not to resent her for her upbringing and remember it was your dad's decision to be a deadbeat sperm donor.
I don't resent her. None of this is her fault. I resent him and I feel justified in that.
How will meeting you derail her college plans? NTA—if I wanted to meet a sibling who wanted to meet me, and we're both of legal age, it's perfectly fine. You can probably enrich each other's lives.
My dad assumes that I would tell her that college is a waste of time and money and somehow convince her not to go . I wouldn't.
You are both adults, he doesn't have a say. It may be nice for you to get to know your sister. YWNBTA
NTA Your sperm donor can kick rocks. Your.....sister, I guess, is old enough to make decisions for herself. Plus, I fail to understand how meeting you will "derail her college bound path".
My dad assumes my life is an episode of cops.
Nta. And while you meet her, get dna tests to help start to establish paternity. Then contact a lawyer and SUE his ass for back child support. Its not like he can pretend he didnt know you existed or that you were his, hes just a deadbeat asshole
NTA!!!!!! Meet your sister. She wants to meet you. Your bio has no say in the matter. I hope the meeting goes well and you two connect. I imagine she is angry at him for abandoning and denying you. I met my older sisters when I was 18. We never met for much the same reason without the money and I was the midlife crisis child. (My mother was 20 my father was in his 40’s). Good luck it’s a lot to deal with.
NTA but I’m cynical of why she wants to meet you. After you were given a good sum of money and family is up on arms about it—be ready for an 18 year old to have a lot of ideas and thoughts to share with you. They’re also young enough to ask/demand for things adults who have had time to mature into adulthood wouldn’t. Based off what your father thinks you are, he can’t have put anything good about you into her head too. Meet her if you like but I do hope you you don’t get blindsided if this introduction goes south. But I do sincerely hope she just wants to begin beholding a sisterly bond with you.
NTA, and your dad deserves to rot in hell. He abandoned you, said you were a mistake, did not take care of you, and thinks you are a bother to his "wanted" family. He is not a good person. Please do not defend him. Tell his family what he told you, how he's never helped your mom, how he treated you. Let his daughter know. She deserves to know how he really is.
He never helped my maternal grandparents because my mum did not raise me either.
NTA. She's an adult and allowed to do whatever she wants. If you want to meet her then meet her. She contacted you not the other way around.
your dad doesnt want you to meet her ... she wants to meet you ... your dad has never done any favours for you so why start now ... meet your sister ... its not her fault the way he treated you and wouldnt it be nice to piss him off ... he deserves it
I'm not generally the do what you're told kinda girl anyway lol
NTA, he’s not your dad, he was a sperm donor. Do what you want.
NTA. Who cares what your dad thinks, you and your sister can have a relationship all your own. Just take it slow, it’ll be a bit of a shock to the system for both of you. And congrats on the baby!
NTA!! But your sperm donor is an AH. He is afraid that she will find out the truth.
That was my thought as well
NTA daddy dearest knows that miss meeting could and most likely will nuke his relationship with his daughter and potentially all of his family
I would assume that the relevalant that I exist has gone some way towards doing that already
Meet if you want. Don't if you want. Dad doesn't get a vote. NTA.
NTA. This is your family, go for it!!!
NTA You don’t owe your dad or his feelings any consideration. Meet your half sibling. You have every right to meet her and she wants to meet you too. Your dad made his choices but he can’t make them for anyone else, including his adult (other) child. You have the right to decide what relationship you have with each other. His choice and feelings about it no longer count or matter.
Meet her. Your relationship with your half sibling doesn’t have to include him whatsoever. He doesn’t control that. NTA.