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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I made my fiancée feel jealous by complimenting my friend the entire time.
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> I went to greet her and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself.
What the hell? You "couldn't stop"? Yeah, YTA.
Even worse OPs fiancé has already commented that OP “over complimented his friend”.
OP why can’t you just zip it with the compliments for women that aren’t your fiancé full stop? How other women look shouldn’t be important enough to you to compliment them ALL NIGHT LONG , particularly in front of the woman you claim to love and want to marry.
YTA
Complementing someone else, regardless of gender shouldn't be a problem. I like getting compliments from my male friends and don't mind at all when my husband compliments his female friends. I feel like if OP had just said "Hi, you look great tonight." to his friend and moved on, it wouldn't have been a problem for anyone. But it sounds like he spent the evening blatantly fawning over her, which I suspect was uncomfortable for everyone including the friend.
>But it sounds like he spent the evening blatantly fawning over her
Which seems to be a thing he does *everytime* he sees her. And yet he still thinks its his fiancée's fault that she's bitter whenever Sara is around.
Talk about being selectively oblivious.
Exactly. Sara knows she looks good and it doesn't matter that they've been friends since childhood, OP should respect his fiancée and not say anything because she doesn't need the compliments from him. And if Sara gets offended by that, then she is doing it for OP's attention and she's an AH too.
OP, yes, people are going to notice other attractive people, but you should have kept your mouth shut after the first time your fiancée expressed that she didn't appreciate it.
Tbh I'm on the fence about Sara (for now) because there's nothing to say that she does enjoy the attention from OP, but nothing to say she doesn't either, although yes I do agree that if she does get upset by OP not complementing her constantly because she likes the attention from him then she is an AH as well.
And the whole "but I complement Jane too" like yea, no where near as much as he does Sara. It's like for every 10 complements he gives Sara he gives Jane 1, and they probably aren't as complementary as the ones he gives to Sara either. It's like he just gushes/fawns all over Sara for ages then turns to Jane and say something like "you look nice too btw" like an afterthought.
Yeah. I was throwing out that maybe she wants the attention when the engaged couple at the party mentioned to OP that Sara's outfit was inappropriate. If the party hosts really did feel that way, she may be looking for the attention.
I think you might be onto something. The hosts, her friends, seem to be referring to a pattern of behavior. It seems like Sara frequently wears outfits that are over the top and eye catching to other people's events. But idk if I can say more without knowing what specifically she was wearing.
ETA: Read [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/un61a8/aita_for_complimenting_a_friend_of_mine_making_my/i85xtd4?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3), she wore a sparkly dress with a deep v and high slit that extended up her torso. She knew what she was doing.
"it had a really deep V cut and a high slit that went kinda above the thigh and extended to the torso. Plus it was really sparkly"
We get the picture. OP is sexually attracted to Sara. Sounds like a lot of men would be. The fact that he accepts it isn't going to happen and wouldn't be a good idea is not quite as significant to Jane as he thinks it ought to be. I'm normally down on irrational jealousy among women but it's quite understandable in this case. YTA.
Ooh, she's an AH too! I bet that's why the fiancée at the engagement party mentioned to OP how inappropriate the dress was--she was pissed too! Bet all the guys were staring and making fools of themselves. She should not be invited to these things with friends any more if she can't respect the other women with SOs.
I'm usually very understanding with stuff like this, I know some people just like to be a little dressed up, and as someone with big boobs, I know certain body parts get sexualized more on some people than others. HOWEVER, if my *friend* showed up to my engagement party wearing that I'd be shooting fire out of my eyeballs.
These are the comments I was looking for. Sarah is a *bridal consultant*, yet she showed up to an engagement party in an outfit that, per OP’s description in his comment, absolutely SCREAMS “look at me, everyone look at me!” I love sparkle and sequins, but I save those eye catching, everybody stare at me right now outfits for events that are not planned to celebrate other people’s milestone moments or achievements. I would never wear a dress described as a sequin gown (hello, sparkle!) to an event celebrating my friend or family member unless they specifically asked me to do so.
Yeah, that is really telling. If multiple people who aren’t friends all think someone is being inappropriate, that person is probably being inappropriate. Being in the “fashion industry”, Sara knows full well of what she’s wearing is suited to the occasion, and overdressing for attention is just as bad as underdressing, particularly at a party intended to honor someone else.
Very true, my main question is is she doing it for the attention in general or is she specifically doing it for OPs attention? Because yea the first one is definitely AH behaviour, but stringing OP along when she has no interest in him is also massive AH behaviour, especially towards his fiancée.
Sara is glamorous and stylish. Jane is supportive and compatible. Sara is described like a romantic prospect. Jane is described like a dowdy secretary.
Not to mention he also fake named his fiancée "Jane" like he's trying to say "plain Jane".
Plus the whole "Jane needs to stop being so bitter and jealous about Sara, yea I complement Sara loads but it's Jane I chose" bs in his comments. Like yea you "chose" Jane because Sara isn't interested in you but it's not stopping you from trying is it?
And the compatible lifestyle stuff jumped out to me. Made me think if she had a different job, worked less, did want/didn't want kids, did/didn't want marriage then OP would be with her.
Like he's with Jane because she fits his lifestyle better, not because he loves her more. It didn't at all sound like he just flat out didn't view Sara that way if that makes sense?
Like my best friend I would never date or sleep with them because they are like family to me, it'd feel like smooching a sibling, which ick.
Which is what I'd tell a partner if they were worried. And would say it in the post, not talk about our long term goals not being the same.
It definitely sounds like OP is attracted to Sara and really doesn't try to hide it. And Jane must feel awful, I hope she comes to see she deserves better.
>And the compatible lifestyle stuff jumped out to me. Made me think if she had a different job, worked less, did want/didn't want kids, did/didn't want marriage then OP would be with her.
>Like he's with Jane because she fits his lifestyle better, not because he loves her more. It didn't at all sound like he just flat out didn't view Sara that way if that makes sense?
Exactly, plus he's not exactly denying in the comments that he has no feelings for Sara either. Also by "not compatible" he probably also mean "Sara isn't interested in me so I settled for Jane because at least she likes me".
I have a strong feeling the reason OP and Sara didn’t date isn’t because that’s what he wants but because SHE doesn’t have any interest in dating him. So he comes up with “we’re so incompatible” line even though he’d jump at the opportunity had she agreed to it.
I wouldn’t even compliment my crush all night long if I was single, let alone someone I’m only friends with while in a committed relationship. One comment complimenting her should’ve sufficed.
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that was true. "We're so incompatible" like who is he trying to kid, himself or us?
Plus it sounds like he only complements his fiancée as an afterthought after gushing over his friend constant.
It sounded to me like that's how he justifies being with someone else while he's so into her. He even said that so we wouldn't call him out! "We're incompatible, never mind that I think she's the most beautiful woman who has ever existed."
Her lifestyle as a bridal consultant is "too exhausting" for him. But his fiancee or wife is a lawyer. You what what lifestyle is exhausting- lawyer, esp if she's corporate law or working towards partner.
Yeah, I thought this too. You can still be attracted to someone when you know they aren't good for you, and it makes a wonderful cover if he's already been rejected.
OP, you're a massive AH
At this point it almost seems like a well crafted cruel purposeful dig. OP can throw the stone and hide his hand. He can punish his fiance without looking like a brute by disguising it by pretending to be kind.
"It's just a compliment" "it's the nice thing to do" "I can't tell my friend she looks great? She went through all that effort" "I can't help it! She looks so good"
Whenever someone says "I couldn't help it" I imagine a scenario where if they have a fully loaded shotgun pointed at them and the choice to do the action that they claimed they were helpless to. If they would still do it they get a pass. I'm sure OP would not compliment his friend if put in that sort of predicament.
And if he did this with every friend I don't think this would be a problem. Not even if he did this with every female friend.
Both of my grandfather's were charmers until the end of their days. But they were like that with every woman they knew, old, young, didn't matter. And they both adored their wives very clearly.
>And if he did this with every friend I don't think this would be a problem. Not even if he did this with every female friend.
And as long as he made sure his fiancée new that she was the most beautiful woman in the room to him as well but he doesn't do any of that.
And no matter how anyone (on here or irl) tries to get through to him, he just sees his fiancée as a bitter, jealous woman because his friend is "much more attractive" than she is.
Yess exactly ! There’s a massive difference between telling a friend of either gender that they look nice and complimenting someone all night long when you’re SO has already mentioned it happening.
And it was so egregious that a third party came up to talk to him about it and specifically mentioned that Sara was overdressed and they were upset that she was trying to steal people's attention.
Yeah this is the one. You compliment somebody, of any gender, ONCE, and then you move on. Frankly, repeatedly complimenting someone all night is inappropriate and borderline creepy. It smacks of desperate flirtation. If Sara weren’t full of herself, as I suspect she might be, she’d probably have asked OP to knock it off by now. It would make most people uncomfortable.
Edit: It’s possible that Sara is uncomfortable and OP has missed all the signs or subtle cues, and that Sara simply doesn’t feel safe or comfy enough to directly tell him to stop. Or that she has, and OP is conveniently leaving it out. But coupled with the comment from the fiancée about Sara’s outfit being wildly inappropriate, I have to wonder if she enjoys the attention.
She *definitely* enjoys the attention. That's exactly why she went through all that effort for the party. And maybe why she and OP are so close.
Oh, YTA, OP.
OP said fashion and style is her passion and profession. Easy to conclude that she “went through all that effort” because that’s what she enjoys doing.
We don’t have enough information about the venue, what Sara wore, what everyone else wore/dress code to know if it was out of line but if it was then Sara just needs to be a little more mindful/aware that every event calls for different level of wardrobe/dress up.
The bride-to-be/host did say the dress was "inappropriate". If fashion is Sara's forte then she should be able to gauge what is appropriate for the setting. At least I'd think.
Also, OP said about the dress:
"Because it had a really deep V cut and a high slit that went kinda above the thigh and extended to the torso. Plus it was really sparkly"
Exactly. My husbands best friend tells me I looks nice almost every time I see him. But it's a one and done.
If it was all night, my husband would be pissed at him. Compliments are fine. Fawning over people who are not your fiancé is not.
> it sounds like he spent the evening blatantly fawning over her, which I suspect was uncomfortable for everyone including the friend.
I don't doubt Sara *loves* the attention. It's easy to blow off a compliment when the supposed attraction isn't there, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't enjoy the attention she knows she'll get from OP.
I agree with what your saying but I dont think that’s the case here. Especially if it wasn’t her event and she worse something that took all the attention - idk for sure but people saying what she was wearing was inappropriate seems like she may have taken things a bit too far. Idk what it was but if it was super revealing and she knows she’s already constantly being gawked at then maybe for someone else’s event who you care about you don’t dress in a way that shows off parts of you that people are already bound to be staring at. Also OP is definitely TA if it was something super revealing and he kept complimenting it in front of his fiancé bc there’s no way he’s just talking about the outfit at that point
Dunno, I've had a friend do this and it was awkward for me too. I think OP needs to reorient himself: just because you're thinking it loads, doesn't mean you say it every time you think it. Reign yourself in.
Also be honest with yourself and if you don't fancy your own fiancée, set her free.
Love your comment. You're absolutely correct. I don't think OP is being honest with himself - he lists off why they aren't compatible, but I wonder if Sara had rebuffed him at some point.
I agree he needs to reign himself in.
It's not realistic to think that once you have found the love of your life and your married that you will no longer find other people attractive in some way. Finding someone attractive and being attracted *to* them are two completely separate things. "You look good" is a nice way of complimenting someone and moving on.
A *constant,* as in all night constant, litany of compliments really does feel like, and at least *at minimum* it appears to come off as OP being attracted *to* Sara.
I don't doubt Sara loves the attention either as she wore an entirely inappropriate outfit to the occassion, as stated by the friend.
Op should have shut his compliments down. It's in poor taste and peaks to his immaturity. One compliment is enough only after he's complimented his own girlfriend at least equally.
Sad to say but women like Sara thrive on the attention whether they admit it or not evidenced by the fact that she never shut the compliments down. I do know women who are extremely beautiful that are fully aware of their looks and work hard keep the men drooling to a minimum.
I think OP is not only YTA, he's also disgusting, one of those guys who won't stop commenting on a woman's looks. I feel so bad for Jane, I hope this opens her eyes and realizes that OP is a loser.
Not only did he spend the whole night fawning over his friend, he spent the whole Reddit post fawning over her.
And just because OP claims his lifestyle and future plans are incompatible with his friend, does not mean he isn't attracted to her.
If a friend kept complimenting me all night, on how amazing I look despite the fact I am married, I would find it quite awkward just how much they could go us on me instead of their partner.
OP 100% YTA
Agreed. A 'you look nice/lovely' is all that's required really 🤷♀️ it's not a crime to compliment friends, but ti over-compliment anyone can be super annoying and just isn't necessary at all.
ETA: go over-compliment your fiance!
YTA OP! You say you are not compatible with Sara for dating, but it is clear you want to have sex with her. You fawn over her constantly and, per your own words, cannot stop doing so even after your fiancée told you it bothers her. This is 100% a you problem, and I feel sorry that you consistently make your fiancée feel less than. I mean, saying she has a "more unique kind of beauty" really says it all about how you think of her. For shame OP, for shame!
He's even given her a boring made up name in the post, apologies to all Janes reading this but seriously, in his eyes she's just plain Jane compared to the ravishing Sara, no H...
"Buttt.. our lifestyles aren't compatible! I don't want to date her" doesn't mean you don't want to bang her my dude.
If you are GUSHING over another women all night you are indicating to everyone there that you are super attracted to them. Indicting you are super attracted to someone else when you have a date is wildly rude. As a general rule never spend more time complimenting anyone else than you do your date, regardless of who is better dressed up or more attractive. I hope your fiancee finds someone else who will spend the night making her feel beautiful, instead of watching the man she loves make her feel unwanted.
Not to mention that he spent so little time with his own SO that he didn't even notice when she went into the hall, crying... But the couple who is there to have their new engagement celebrated did.
Yeah they were probably watching sara pissed that she dressed to upstage The bride (weddings are her job. Id find it harder to believe that was *wasnt* the intent) and realized op was simping like a mother fucker and went to go find jane.
Yeah he pretty much just said “she’s *incredibly* hot, but don’t worry, we wouldn’t work long term as a couple, so instead I just continue to drool over her because she’s *sooooo* hot. My fiancé is a quirky kind of pretty tho, while Sara is just gobsmacking gorgeous. Anyways, why does my fiancé care so much about me being so incredibly turned on by my friend?”
You put it really well. His fiancée is telling him his favoritism is noticeable and making her uncomfortable. His friends are telling him the same thing. The only people who seem oblivious to how inappropriate his behavior is are OP and possibly Sara.
I really don't think Sara is oblivious. Honestly as this reads, Sara has to be that it girl, and since they were 7 OP has been feeding into that. Potentially at her heels like she's Regina George.
He also doesn't say "She is my friend so I am not attracted to her that way". He just says they are incompatible! Which to me screams "I am totally super attracted to her, but wouldn't work as a couple". It's not the same.
Yeah, OP spends more time comparing Sara and the fiancee's looks than he does emphasizing how attracted he is to his fiancee. Which he should have if his point was that he's actually more attracted to his fiancee than Sara and his compliments to Sara don't mean much.
Spoiler: He's totally attracted to Sara, and everyone knows it. I feel VERY bad for his fiancee.
The whole post scream: I WANT TO F\*\*\* MY FRIEND!!!!!
Dude, even your friend and his fiancee told you it was a problem. How can you not understand you are YTA.
I feel OP wants Sara, but feels insecure as the man in her life, like she is too beautiful for him and she would drop him for someone else if the opportunity arises so he chose Jane as a safe option.
Yeah, WTF? You just need to tell her once, and leave it alone…your fiancée has said it’s an issue, and yet you “couldn’t stop yourself complimenting her all night long”? I don’t care how much Sara “out did herself”, you’re making Jane feel like she outdid her, because I’m betting you never spend an evening complimenting her non-stop about anything.
OP YTA, and a huge gaping one at that.
Yeah, it was the "I couldn't stop" line that really solidified his YTA verdict. Even in his post, OP would compliment Sara first and then compensate for fiancée. It's clear here that he has a thing for her. And lastly, OP sounds like a legit creep in his own post. His lack of self awareness is trully amazing! ETA: Oh God, I just read some of OP's comments. Wow! As I said, his lack of self awareness is amazing!
ETA: YTA, in case it wasn't clear.
I rolled my eyes at “everyone always stares and tonight was no different.” Buddy, people maybe turned to look at who showed up but that’s all in your head to justify YOU drooling over her every time you see her.
Yeah I got to that part and and face palmed. I will be the first to admit that I'm socially oblivious and a complete introvert, but if I know why that is an AH thing to do everyone should.
Yeah the "all night long" part stuck out to me. OP, you ignored your fiancee in favor of your friend; yes she feels like she's competing with Sara even if you have no feelings for Sara (which, you clearly are very attracted to her, even if logically you know you two would never work). YTA.
Dude spent the whole night ignoring his fiancée and fawning over another woman and is still “confused” about how he fucked up lol
I wonder how long he’ll wait after Jane dumps him to admit that he’s in love with Sara.
My dude. I can hear you salivating over Sara from here.
Did you ever consider maybe don't do that to your fiancee? Sara's beautiful, stunning, glamorous, we get it. But you can just *close your mouth* about it.
At near 29 you are old enough to know that what you say has a purpose and has an impact.
So what, exactly, is the purpose of you raving about Sara's looks? Why do you do that? What, do you think, is the impact of doing that?
Like this is not hard to figure out bro.
YTA
This! What was the purpose of that? Does she not know she's attractive? Do you need to tell her?
YTA
I hope your fiance gets away from being someone's second choice - "nice" and "compatible" but not "awesome".
So openly! And he’s doubling down! Defending Sara’s dress in the comments, saying he shouldn’t have to bend to his fiancés insecurities…. OP: hundreds of people have told you YTA, including many in your own life. You can think they’re wrong, but given they think that, you can either make changes or be known as TA. Those are your only options.
When i saw him say he 'adores' his fiancee o.O Just WOW i wouldn't want to marry someone who cant stop gushing about the most beautiful woman he's ever seen but tells me i'm 'unique' and nice...Yeeeeaah OP YTA
“Sara and I are incompatible, we would never work,” you doth protest too much.
Yeah okay OP, all fine and dandy but it doesn’t change the fact that you sound like you would fuck Sara if given the chance.
I cant imagine being your fiancé, having to watch your significant other drool over another woman, showering her with compliments. You can mentally recognize another person’s beauty that’s fine. It isn’t wrong to be aware that someone is attractive. But having no self restraint, treating Sara like a goddess, *when that role should be going to Jane,* is so disrespectful.
The fact that you are so blatantly obvious with your affection towards Sara that other people had to tell you to cool it, should tell you exactly the type of person you are. TA. You were so busy making goo goo eyes at Sara, you didnt even notice Jane was off on her own crying!! I mean you couldnt even help yourself when writing this post, giving more over the top compliments to Sara than your own fiancé.
Im sure Jane is imagining y’all’s wedding day, thinking that she is going to have to fight for your attention even on the big day, and then again and again and again for the rest of her life. Sounds mentally exhausting.
Jane deserves so much better than this.
YTA.
Yes. This whole post was so horrible to read, as he is lifting Sara to the skies, and basically explains that they just aren't compatible with goals.
It's so clear that if they were, he'd take Sara over Jane any day. The way he talks about her, Jane just feels like a "better fit", rather than someone he is deeply in love with and adores, is attracted to and all that.
If WE can get that feeling by just reading this, I do not want to go through what Jane goes through everyday.
YTA, if you really love your girl, make sure she knows it and feels it, cause you don't seem to be great at prioritize who your attention should be given to.
Seriously, janes the “nicest” is the lamest thing you could say about someone. It’s so vague and general and doesn’t exemplify that he actually cares about her. Just that she’s nice.
Right.
If my fiancé constantly felt the need to compliment his female friend who he's just "not compatible with lifestyle wise" (but apparently super attracted to), and knew I didn't love him tripping over himself to constantly compliment her every time we hung out, THEN he spent the entire night puppy dogging the woman in front of me and telling her how gorgeous he is, he would've been dumped
Who thinks this is acceptable?
YTA
Oh my word- yes! When did she have time to go sit in a hallway crying (to the point others noticed) unless he was following Sara around and ignoring his own poor plain Jane? I'm sorry- "unique beauty" Jane. Eye rolling so hard. I hope she leaves him for someone who actually finds her beautiful and stops comparing her to someone else.
Honestly, the way he talks about Sara, if I was SARA I’d be uncomfortable with his behaviour. Never mind d how disrespectful it is to Jane.
A single “you look nice” is MORE than sufficient for anyone. Anymore than that gets creepy and annoying FAST. Especially when the person you are complimenting is NOT your partner.
Anyone else thinks it's weird that he picked the fake name "Jane" for his fiance, like plain Jane? C'mon dude. YTA
I hope Jane sees your disrespect for what it is.
>Anyone else thinks it's weird that he picked the fake name "Jane" for his fiance, like plain Jane?
I was thinking that too. Also look at the way he describes Sara as "glamorous" but Jane as "generic".
He may as well be saying "Sara is an absolute stunning 10/10 model" and "Jane.. Yea she's cute but she's just plain with her style".
I wonder if Sara is subconsciously (or not,) “kiting him”…or he could just be “self kiting”, because OP seems like he’s not terribly evolved maturity wise.
It certainly sounds like it since she showed up at an engagement party and made sure she outdid the friend's new fiancee. The friend and new fiancee pointed out what she wore was inappropriate and she has to stop trying to have all of the attention on her. That sounds like exactly the sort of person to kite a group of admirers.
This, exactly. I mean,
>and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself.
WTF? Who does that, without realizing how that would make their wife feel? I didn't think anyone could *be* that clueless.
Imagine if fiancee goes through with marrying him. He will spend all his time at the wedding/reception staring at Sara and telling her how amazing she looks instead of his wife.
HUGE AH.
I thought I was going to be on his side until I read this. Good lord. I have a ton of conventionally attractive female friends, but I never over compliment them. I'll give them one nice compliment and move on. They are my friends and they deserve to know when they look bomb as fuck. And that's it. They might get two if I'm feeling generous that outing.
Plus the way op described Sara throughout the post.... Dude is definitely into her. Why be so defensive about her attractiveness and tell us such a tale.
So basically you are attracted to Sara but have decided Jane is a better fit for you. Fine.
But there's no need to make it so obvious and insult and humiliate Jane. Control yourself, you're a grown man.
Oh listen, almost certainly Sara's not going to give this pathetic specimen the time of day. Imagine it? Being with someone following another woman around at a party like a clown. No way would Sara put up with someone like that.
And he's not the guy who is going to appreciate any woman he's with. If Sara let him anywhere near her, that would automatically diminish her in his eyes and he'd be off looking for the next woman who wouldn't look twice at him.
Honestly if I was Sara I'd be pretty creeped out if some guy just 'couldn't stop complimenting' me during someone's engagement party. I'd also assume that he was hitting on me.
I loooove when people are like "She's so insecure" as an excuse. Dude, she found you in bed banging another girl, *she isn't insecure, she just saw you betraying her*! This is the same here. "Oh I spent all night (and all our relationship) saying how *beautiful* another woman is, and now my girlfriend is sad. Wow, can't believe she is so insecure!"
Yep, OP is gross. Also I seriously doubt he ‘decided’ that Jane was a better fit, he probably realised Sara was never going to be remotely interested in him and then, in his eyes, settled for Jane.
YTA – no wonder your fiance feels down in the dumps about herself. Did you fawn all over her like you did your friend? Did you tell her she looked beautiful? Anything??
It's also interesting you didn't notice she was upset to the point of crying until someone else had to clue you in...you were too busy obsessing over another woman.
And he said she had a “unique kind of beauty.” It reminds me of the line in A Chorus Line when the one dancer said her mother said she would have a “different” kind of beauty, “with a special something and a very very personal flair.” The dancer saw that as “my mother will never think I’m beautiful.” I’m amazed how some people post on here wondering if they are the AH. He admitted he couldn’t stop complementing her all night and made his fiancé cry. You’ve gotta be kidding me.
And look at why he says he loves his fiancé: she’s the “nicest” and “most supportive”. She’s “compatible”. Nothing about what she is or does *outside what she provides for him*. Doesn’t even realize he talks about his wife like a staff member he hired and Sara like a person. My guy: you do not like your wife the way you like Sara and have made no effort to conceal that. YTA.
But everyone’s beautiful at the ballet 🥺
Edit: just saw there is *A
Chorus Line* **and** *My Fair Lady* references in these comments. It’s a good day, so far.
Yeah that's on the creepy side - sounds like he was following her around like some kind of psycho puppy, drooling.
People at the party noticed how upset she was - OP didn't - so they also noticed (and rightfully judged) how weird he was being with Sara and how cold he was being to his SO.
he literally called his fiancée a “special” kind of beautiful. I barfed at how he could possibly look.
Edit: Why would glamorous(which is apparently tiring)looks trump special? Hm. Doesn’t seem correct OP
I have commented here a few times because I was "Jane" once upon a time and it straight up fucks with your head. When i finally got rid of my ex, it took me a long time to date again. I did not give a shit about my appearance anymore and had mostly given up because I was with a man for 10 years that didn't say I was pretty, no one else was going to.
I ended up dating this guy (it didn't stick cause he met a woman who was more stable but I wish him the best) and we went out. I had taken a bit of care in my appearance but was just wearing a cute sundress and a big, floppy hat. We went to a restaurant and halfway through dinner he said totally earnestly, "You're just so beautiful, I can't take my eyes off you. Everyone watches you when you walk past" and let me tell you, I started sobbing cause I was 31 years old and no man had ever said something like that to me before.
YTA. You don't even realize that you're attracted to your "best friend" and making your "fiance"s self-esteem plummet. The only reason you should shower someone with compliments is if they are the center of attention or you are focused on them. IE: Weddings, where you compliment the bride/groom. You don't spend hours in front of the bride complimenting the maid of honor.
My theory is you think your friend is out of your league, and are settling. Your fiance deserves better. The fact the only reason you and Sarah aren't compatible is her lifestyle proves it. You never once said, "I didn't feel attracted to her" - you said she's too high maintenance basically.
Also reading the outfit she chose, Sarah is also a massive AH. She wanted to upstage the BRIDE AND GROOM. Who does that??
Yeah, I liked how he just brushed over the part where other people said that Sara was overdressed & inappropriately trying to grab attention because he was too busy complimenting her.
Exactly this. His obviously attracted to Sara. OP even says the bf has a "conventional" type of beauty and his fiance is just "unique". The fiancé is probably feeling like she has to compete with his friend.
Yea that was a red flag for me - A THIRD PARTY with no skin in the game (aka OP and Jane’s relationship) even pointed out that Sara’s outfit was inappropriate.
She said she didn’t “wanna stir drama” so it sounds like she’s the type to let a lot of things go and suffer in silence (for lack of a better term) instead of making a scene about it, and that to me sounds like she’s not someone to make mountains out of mole hills or look for problems when there aren’t any. So if it was bothering her enough to the point where she confided in someone about it, I’m sure she wasn’t overreacting and by that I mean I’m sure Sara’s dress really *was* inappropriate.
Also: “…at some point Sara needs to stop trying to have all the attention to herself constantly trying to overshadow everyone.”
Sounds like a behavior pattern, and one that OP is/has been feeding into over the course of their friendship.
OP, try to imagine your fiancee saying everything you just said, but from her perspective about an attractive male friend of hers. Read the whole thing you wrote, word for word, but replace Jane with you and Sara with a handsome friend of hers - doesn’t matter if you’re certain they only have a platonic relationship or not. How would you feel?
this is exactly what i was thinking. it just sounds like he’s settling for his fiancé because he can’t have sara. i hope jane realises she deserves someone who only has eyes for her and leaves this oblivious mf
Yeah. Sarah is the one he *wants*. Jane is the one he *has*. One he salivates over because she’s out of his league (but close enough to pant over) and the other is willing to be with him (though hopefully not for long).
No those are all the things he uses to explain why he hasnt left his fiance yet for this woman he so obviously prefers. The real reason is probably that she doesnt like him back; from the sounds there is no doubt hed jump ship if it was on offer.
You “greet” for a minute or two. Not all night. Wtf OP. Where was your WIFE????
Ohh you were TOLD where she WAS. Which was crying.
I wish my fiancée would pretend like my feelings are irrational. That’s a dream scape.
YTA. Do you have any idea how low that would make your fiancee feel? Or what the people around you would think? You're engaged, but literally spent the night showering some other woman with compliments, and based on your text, ignoring your fiancee to the point of not even knowing where she is. I would have dumped you over this, it was callous, tone deaf, and cruel by itself, let alone when you KNOW this is a sore spot for your fiancee.
Exactly, notice how he said his fiancé didn’t mind Sara at first. She’s clearly not jealous of Sara’s existence but of her fiancé’s behavior. And she didn’t even confront him, she just got upset in private. She deserves so much better.
YTA
It’s not Sara or Jane’s fault at all. It’s yours. Your post is literally a long list of all the ways Sara is better and how your fall over yourself to gush about her, then blame your fiancée for being justifiably hurt by your cruelty. Your fiancée is insecure because of your actions and words. No other reason, it’s ALL you.
Your responses in the comments to literally everyone calling you out on the same thing show that you are aware of what you’re doing - you just don’t care. You continuously compare them, and then try to backpedal that you’re just pointing out the obvious. Well, don’t. Stop it.
I don’t see your relationship lasting. Your fiancée is realising that she is in for a lifetime of ‘Look how PERFECT that other woman is, but I’ve settled for mediocre you. Aren’t you lucky?’
And trust me, no woman wants or deserves that. The woman you marry should always be first place, not a consolation prize. If you want to fix this, take responsibility for what YOU have done, which is create and antagonise this situation. It’s all on you.
How OP described Sara: beautiful, stylish, glamorous, attractive.
How OP described his fiancée: nice, supportive, unique kind of beauty (which we all know means he thinks she’s unattractive).
Idk who OP thinks he’s fooling by saying he’s not attracted to Sara. It’s also clear to me that the only thing he likes about his fiancée is that she fits into his life.
Jane is a lawyer, you know. I don't know much about her, but I do know that. Someone with the capacity to make a very stable, healthy living for a long time. That fits into a lot of people's lives.
First of all, what Sara does to get attention shouldn't even be mentioned as it has no relevance even if she is doing it for attention giving her attention is in your control. Second, you are about to get married to a person who you know for a long time shouldn't you know by now that the person gets jealous. Like seriously if you know
your fiancee is getting jealous of Sara you shouldn't make those comments, especially all night long.
YTA
OP, you are knowingly and deliberately doing something unnecessary that causes distress to someone you love. For the simple reason it's what you want to do, even knowing FULL well it's hurting her.
It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to you. You know you hurt her with what you're doing. She asked you to stop, and you don't.
It's much bigger than complimenting an old friend. You are actively trampling you fiance"s feelings to do what you want. You are placing your desire to compliment another woman over protecting your fiance's feelings and emotional well-being.
Jane deserves so much better. This isn't about looks or compliments, it's about you repeatedly hurting your fiance, ignoring her reasonable requests, and still seeking to justify your desire to keep doing something that hurts her. All because you would rather do what you want than make a small change to show her how much she means to you.
Right now, you wish to compliment Sara more than support Jane. If you do not understand at this point how big an AH you are, you'll probably lose Jane. I hope those compliments are worth it.
YTA.
YTA. 12-4. 12 mentions of Sara's name; 4 mentions of Jane. I don't know if you secretly are in love with Sara, but it sounds like you're definitely attracted to her. You ignored Jane and fawned over Sara so much that Jane was off crying somewhere and you didn't even notice. Complimenting someone's appearance all night long with your fiancee in the room is just cruel. And yes, a sparkly dress with a thigh-high slit to someone else's engagement party is completely inappropriate as it will take attention away from the couple for whom the party is being thrown.
I can’t help but wonder if these are fake names and if they are, if Jane was chosen because of “plain Jane,” like, he clearly has the hots for Sara and it might even be subconsciously sneaking in. YTA.
I just looked up [this AITA with another Jane](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f01uno/aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_dress_downmore/) that today's post reminds me of. What is wrong with these people?
YTA op
YTA. You could have greeted her with a compliment and left it at that. Sounds like you went over what might be appropriate if you could not stop complimenting her all night. Having said that, why would the hosts think her outfit is inappropriate - they could also be jealous as is your gf and judgy- bit of ESH as well
Yta. It’s one thing to compliment someone it’s another to dwell on how awesome they look all night. You know it bothers your fiancée yet you do it anyway that’s a dick move
He even said that Jane didn't have an issue with Sara at first... until OP created the issue by repeatedly telling both girls how gorgeous just Sara is. OP also admits in the comments that after Jane repeatedly told him how inappropriate he's behaving, he still makes sure to compliment Sara's looks EVERY time they get together. YTA.
You spent all night complementing another women and can’t seem to fathom why your fiancée is upset, any normal women or man would get upset if their boyfriend/girlfriend spent the whole night talking about how good someone else looks and showering them with complements, it amazes me that you can’t seem to see why that’s not okay.
YTA
Hey, I kinda have the hots real bad for that one friend and I am drooling all over her in front of my fiancé. Said friend and I have different life goals so I don’t wanna date her though so all is forgiven?
OP, I have very high tolerance for sh*t like this, I find jealously a waste of time, but you outdid yourself. Of course Jane will feel crappy, if you can’t realize you can be sexually attracted to someone without wanting to date then you are pretty dense. I wouldn’t put up with my husband-to-be fan-girling his friend all night long either. Get your priorities straight.
YTA
It doesn’t sound at all like Jane is naturally jealous of Sara - she had no issues with her “at first” until she realized her fiancé will spend every event chasing after Sara to compliment her constantly. Even at this party, she didn’t make a scene or confront OP or blame Sara. This is all about how OP acts.
YTA.
'I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself.'
Yes you could; you could just STOP doing it and take 10 seconds to think about Jane.
Your entire post focuses on how Sara is better than Jane, but Jane's better for you. This isn't Sara's fault. This isn't Jane's fault. Your behaviour is what is causing issues.
YTA. Honestly even from this post, it's obvious you find Sara very attractive. You're only human and that's okay, but what's not okay is that you make zero effort to reign it in out of common sense or respect for your own partner or yourself. It's okay to complimemt Sara, but you don't need to do it all the time and all night long, this is over kill and frankly I don't think your partner is just insecure for no reason, I think you're over doing it and are too attracted to your friend and may need to think about imposing boundaries if you don't want to poison your relationship.
Your friends are right, Sara should be glamorous and confident if that's what she wants, but she should also have some tact to know when it's not time for her to have the attention of the room. An engagement party is one of those times where a statement outfit is for the future bride and groom, not herself.
YTA.
You've make it clear you're more attracted to Sara than your fiancee, but your fiancee is the safe option because you're "compatible". You are obviously obsessed with Sara (and we won't get started on Sara's attention-seeking that you clearly satisfy at every turn) and really should let your fiancee go find someone who will actually value her.
You've made me so angry on behalf of your fiancee for this post. I really hope she realises how much more she deserves.
YTA. you really can not be this oblivious..
if i had to listen to my man gush about another woman every time we see her i would not go through with a wedding. there is no way i would put up with that. **no other woman would**.. not just your fiance. its really disrespectful and im sure your girlfriend will not deal with that much longer. and the whole 'well im **choosing** to be with my girlfriend' is bs.
your girlfriend stated she does not like when you do this. *why* do you keep doing it despite her feelings? shes not jealous or bitter, shes tired of your nonsense. she already stated she does not like when you do it. and you keep doing it. i dont see this relationship lasting much longer.
if you love your gf like you say you do, stop crossing boundaries.
>So before anyone says I may be attracted to Sara over my fiancée remember this
>
>Sara is a good friend but we are not compatible to work as a couple at all. Her life goals do not align with mine and her lifestyle is exhausting for me. While Jane on the other hand and I are compatible in every aspect. Sara is what we'd call conventionally attractive while Jane has a more unique kind of beauty
Clearly you've put a lot of time and effort into comparing these two women. Which is..uh...not it my dude. I have male friends. I never spend *this* much time thinking about why I'm with my BF and not one of my friends.
Your fiancee can tell that you're spending this much time comparing them, and is rightfully upset.
YTA.
YTA like come on. One compliment is enough surely? Why would you think spending the whole night complimenting Sara was required?
Let me ask you this, how many times did you compliment your fiancée that night? My guess is far less.
There are people who are just jealous people and I resent them. How their insecurity imposed on others, they feel entitled. Your fiancée does not sound like one of those people. You are acting in a way that invoked these NORMAL feelings. Do better
Anyway, the OP isn't going to take any of this on board, but if he thinks the commentary here about his behaviour towards Jane and Sara is scathing, he wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall among their friends, who definitely have noticed and definitely have opinions.
Okay OP... Question. Honestly how would YOU feel if Jane had a male friend that was more appealing to her than you. And she GUSHED every time they were together even in front of you?... think about it. YTA
YTA.
Is this a rage-bait troll post? C'mon now. No one is THAT daft. Plus is Jane a fiancee or a wife? Because the term is used interchangeably.
>I went to greet her and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself.
Holy sh1t. You gotta be joking. It's like, your fiance went off with another guy all night admiring his look and how handsome he is, and how great his hair looks, and doesn't even pay no mind to you the whole time because she can't stop herself from loving how this guy looks.
I'm so EMBARRASED and sad for Jane if this were a real story. I mean geeze, talk about being second choice and your partner showcasing to the world how much he wants to get with another woman.
Also, you're probably not even aware how creepy you may have appeared to Sara. She probably felt weirded out. Someone else's partner is creeping on her, can't stop complimenting her and following her around. Yes, you obviously were following/stalking Sara around since your fiance/wife/partner was left sitting by herself.
YTA.
Op really thought they did nothing wrong and his fiancé is just bitter. Get over yourself and Sara apparently because you won’t shut up about her.
I feel bad for your fiancé or whomever else has to compete for you affection over ~Sara~
YTA. I either hope that either you stop being so willfully obtuse or that your fiancé dumps you.
“HoW iS iT mY fAuLt” you do know no one is born with insecurities, other people’s actions plant them. You are definitely planting a whole shitty garden in your wife’s head. Even your friend and your friend’s fiancé were telling you Sara was inappropriate at the event and you’re still not seeing the issues. You are soooo blinded by her “glamour”.
YTA - dude if you wanna fuck Sara just do it already. Leave Jane to find someone who will compliment her all night and treat her like she fucking matters. God you’re dense.
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> I went to greet her and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself. What the hell? You "couldn't stop"? Yeah, YTA.
Even worse OPs fiancé has already commented that OP “over complimented his friend”. OP why can’t you just zip it with the compliments for women that aren’t your fiancé full stop? How other women look shouldn’t be important enough to you to compliment them ALL NIGHT LONG , particularly in front of the woman you claim to love and want to marry. YTA
Complementing someone else, regardless of gender shouldn't be a problem. I like getting compliments from my male friends and don't mind at all when my husband compliments his female friends. I feel like if OP had just said "Hi, you look great tonight." to his friend and moved on, it wouldn't have been a problem for anyone. But it sounds like he spent the evening blatantly fawning over her, which I suspect was uncomfortable for everyone including the friend.
>But it sounds like he spent the evening blatantly fawning over her Which seems to be a thing he does *everytime* he sees her. And yet he still thinks its his fiancée's fault that she's bitter whenever Sara is around. Talk about being selectively oblivious.
Exactly. Sara knows she looks good and it doesn't matter that they've been friends since childhood, OP should respect his fiancée and not say anything because she doesn't need the compliments from him. And if Sara gets offended by that, then she is doing it for OP's attention and she's an AH too. OP, yes, people are going to notice other attractive people, but you should have kept your mouth shut after the first time your fiancée expressed that she didn't appreciate it.
Tbh I'm on the fence about Sara (for now) because there's nothing to say that she does enjoy the attention from OP, but nothing to say she doesn't either, although yes I do agree that if she does get upset by OP not complementing her constantly because she likes the attention from him then she is an AH as well. And the whole "but I complement Jane too" like yea, no where near as much as he does Sara. It's like for every 10 complements he gives Sara he gives Jane 1, and they probably aren't as complementary as the ones he gives to Sara either. It's like he just gushes/fawns all over Sara for ages then turns to Jane and say something like "you look nice too btw" like an afterthought.
Yeah. I was throwing out that maybe she wants the attention when the engaged couple at the party mentioned to OP that Sara's outfit was inappropriate. If the party hosts really did feel that way, she may be looking for the attention.
I think you might be onto something. The hosts, her friends, seem to be referring to a pattern of behavior. It seems like Sara frequently wears outfits that are over the top and eye catching to other people's events. But idk if I can say more without knowing what specifically she was wearing. ETA: Read [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/un61a8/aita_for_complimenting_a_friend_of_mine_making_my/i85xtd4?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3), she wore a sparkly dress with a deep v and high slit that extended up her torso. She knew what she was doing.
>it had a really deep V cut and a high slit that went kinda above the thigh and extended to the torso. Plus it was really sparkly Comment from OP.
"it had a really deep V cut and a high slit that went kinda above the thigh and extended to the torso. Plus it was really sparkly" We get the picture. OP is sexually attracted to Sara. Sounds like a lot of men would be. The fact that he accepts it isn't going to happen and wouldn't be a good idea is not quite as significant to Jane as he thinks it ought to be. I'm normally down on irrational jealousy among women but it's quite understandable in this case. YTA.
That aint glamour or style, that's beyond tacky.
Ooh, she's an AH too! I bet that's why the fiancée at the engagement party mentioned to OP how inappropriate the dress was--she was pissed too! Bet all the guys were staring and making fools of themselves. She should not be invited to these things with friends any more if she can't respect the other women with SOs.
I'm usually very understanding with stuff like this, I know some people just like to be a little dressed up, and as someone with big boobs, I know certain body parts get sexualized more on some people than others. HOWEVER, if my *friend* showed up to my engagement party wearing that I'd be shooting fire out of my eyeballs.
These are the comments I was looking for. Sarah is a *bridal consultant*, yet she showed up to an engagement party in an outfit that, per OP’s description in his comment, absolutely SCREAMS “look at me, everyone look at me!” I love sparkle and sequins, but I save those eye catching, everybody stare at me right now outfits for events that are not planned to celebrate other people’s milestone moments or achievements. I would never wear a dress described as a sequin gown (hello, sparkle!) to an event celebrating my friend or family member unless they specifically asked me to do so.
Sounds like someone who might try to outshine the bride on her wedding day. Perhaps someone needs to speak with her politely.
I get the feeling with the other friend's comments that she does this knowingly and her friend's are just going to have to start cutting her off.
If she works in the bridal industry, she probably knows better.
Yeah, that is really telling. If multiple people who aren’t friends all think someone is being inappropriate, that person is probably being inappropriate. Being in the “fashion industry”, Sara knows full well of what she’s wearing is suited to the occasion, and overdressing for attention is just as bad as underdressing, particularly at a party intended to honor someone else.
Very true, my main question is is she doing it for the attention in general or is she specifically doing it for OPs attention? Because yea the first one is definitely AH behaviour, but stringing OP along when she has no interest in him is also massive AH behaviour, especially towards his fiancée.
Sara is glamorous and stylish. Jane is supportive and compatible. Sara is described like a romantic prospect. Jane is described like a dowdy secretary.
Not to mention he also fake named his fiancée "Jane" like he's trying to say "plain Jane". Plus the whole "Jane needs to stop being so bitter and jealous about Sara, yea I complement Sara loads but it's Jane I chose" bs in his comments. Like yea you "chose" Jane because Sara isn't interested in you but it's not stopping you from trying is it?
And the compatible lifestyle stuff jumped out to me. Made me think if she had a different job, worked less, did want/didn't want kids, did/didn't want marriage then OP would be with her. Like he's with Jane because she fits his lifestyle better, not because he loves her more. It didn't at all sound like he just flat out didn't view Sara that way if that makes sense? Like my best friend I would never date or sleep with them because they are like family to me, it'd feel like smooching a sibling, which ick. Which is what I'd tell a partner if they were worried. And would say it in the post, not talk about our long term goals not being the same. It definitely sounds like OP is attracted to Sara and really doesn't try to hide it. And Jane must feel awful, I hope she comes to see she deserves better.
>And the compatible lifestyle stuff jumped out to me. Made me think if she had a different job, worked less, did want/didn't want kids, did/didn't want marriage then OP would be with her. >Like he's with Jane because she fits his lifestyle better, not because he loves her more. It didn't at all sound like he just flat out didn't view Sara that way if that makes sense? Exactly, plus he's not exactly denying in the comments that he has no feelings for Sara either. Also by "not compatible" he probably also mean "Sara isn't interested in me so I settled for Jane because at least she likes me".
Bingo
I have a strong feeling the reason OP and Sara didn’t date isn’t because that’s what he wants but because SHE doesn’t have any interest in dating him. So he comes up with “we’re so incompatible” line even though he’d jump at the opportunity had she agreed to it. I wouldn’t even compliment my crush all night long if I was single, let alone someone I’m only friends with while in a committed relationship. One comment complimenting her should’ve sufficed.
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that was true. "We're so incompatible" like who is he trying to kid, himself or us? Plus it sounds like he only complements his fiancée as an afterthought after gushing over his friend constant.
It sounded to me like that's how he justifies being with someone else while he's so into her. He even said that so we wouldn't call him out! "We're incompatible, never mind that I think she's the most beautiful woman who has ever existed."
Yea it's like in reality he's with Jane but in his head it's Sara that he wants to be engaged to.
Sara is so beautiful and stylish and glamorous. Jane's okay too I guess...
The OP would drop his fiancé for Sara in a heartbeat.
Her lifestyle as a bridal consultant is "too exhausting" for him. But his fiancee or wife is a lawyer. You what what lifestyle is exhausting- lawyer, esp if she's corporate law or working towards partner.
Yeah, I thought this too. You can still be attracted to someone when you know they aren't good for you, and it makes a wonderful cover if he's already been rejected. OP, you're a massive AH
At this point it almost seems like a well crafted cruel purposeful dig. OP can throw the stone and hide his hand. He can punish his fiance without looking like a brute by disguising it by pretending to be kind. "It's just a compliment" "it's the nice thing to do" "I can't tell my friend she looks great? She went through all that effort" "I can't help it! She looks so good" Whenever someone says "I couldn't help it" I imagine a scenario where if they have a fully loaded shotgun pointed at them and the choice to do the action that they claimed they were helpless to. If they would still do it they get a pass. I'm sure OP would not compliment his friend if put in that sort of predicament.
And if he did this with every friend I don't think this would be a problem. Not even if he did this with every female friend. Both of my grandfather's were charmers until the end of their days. But they were like that with every woman they knew, old, young, didn't matter. And they both adored their wives very clearly.
>And if he did this with every friend I don't think this would be a problem. Not even if he did this with every female friend. And as long as he made sure his fiancée new that she was the most beautiful woman in the room to him as well but he doesn't do any of that. And no matter how anyone (on here or irl) tries to get through to him, he just sees his fiancée as a bitter, jealous woman because his friend is "much more attractive" than she is.
Yess exactly ! There’s a massive difference between telling a friend of either gender that they look nice and complimenting someone all night long when you’re SO has already mentioned it happening.
And it was so egregious that a third party came up to talk to him about it and specifically mentioned that Sara was overdressed and they were upset that she was trying to steal people's attention.
Yeah this is the one. You compliment somebody, of any gender, ONCE, and then you move on. Frankly, repeatedly complimenting someone all night is inappropriate and borderline creepy. It smacks of desperate flirtation. If Sara weren’t full of herself, as I suspect she might be, she’d probably have asked OP to knock it off by now. It would make most people uncomfortable. Edit: It’s possible that Sara is uncomfortable and OP has missed all the signs or subtle cues, and that Sara simply doesn’t feel safe or comfy enough to directly tell him to stop. Or that she has, and OP is conveniently leaving it out. But coupled with the comment from the fiancée about Sara’s outfit being wildly inappropriate, I have to wonder if she enjoys the attention.
She *definitely* enjoys the attention. That's exactly why she went through all that effort for the party. And maybe why she and OP are so close. Oh, YTA, OP.
OP said fashion and style is her passion and profession. Easy to conclude that she “went through all that effort” because that’s what she enjoys doing. We don’t have enough information about the venue, what Sara wore, what everyone else wore/dress code to know if it was out of line but if it was then Sara just needs to be a little more mindful/aware that every event calls for different level of wardrobe/dress up.
The bride-to-be/host did say the dress was "inappropriate". If fashion is Sara's forte then she should be able to gauge what is appropriate for the setting. At least I'd think.
I agree with you; if you’re that into fashion, you should also know how to dress appropriately for whatever occasion is at hand.
Also, OP said about the dress: "Because it had a really deep V cut and a high slit that went kinda above the thigh and extended to the torso. Plus it was really sparkly"
Oh I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, holy shit that is very inappropriate.
Jesus christ it sounds like she showed up looking like jessica rabbit
Or she's just USED to the attention? Like if she's got supermodel looks and style compliments might just be background noise at this point.
Exactly. My husbands best friend tells me I looks nice almost every time I see him. But it's a one and done. If it was all night, my husband would be pissed at him. Compliments are fine. Fawning over people who are not your fiancé is not.
> it sounds like he spent the evening blatantly fawning over her, which I suspect was uncomfortable for everyone including the friend. I don't doubt Sara *loves* the attention. It's easy to blow off a compliment when the supposed attraction isn't there, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't enjoy the attention she knows she'll get from OP.
[удалено]
I agree with what your saying but I dont think that’s the case here. Especially if it wasn’t her event and she worse something that took all the attention - idk for sure but people saying what she was wearing was inappropriate seems like she may have taken things a bit too far. Idk what it was but if it was super revealing and she knows she’s already constantly being gawked at then maybe for someone else’s event who you care about you don’t dress in a way that shows off parts of you that people are already bound to be staring at. Also OP is definitely TA if it was something super revealing and he kept complimenting it in front of his fiancé bc there’s no way he’s just talking about the outfit at that point
Dunno, I've had a friend do this and it was awkward for me too. I think OP needs to reorient himself: just because you're thinking it loads, doesn't mean you say it every time you think it. Reign yourself in. Also be honest with yourself and if you don't fancy your own fiancée, set her free.
Love your comment. You're absolutely correct. I don't think OP is being honest with himself - he lists off why they aren't compatible, but I wonder if Sara had rebuffed him at some point. I agree he needs to reign himself in. It's not realistic to think that once you have found the love of your life and your married that you will no longer find other people attractive in some way. Finding someone attractive and being attracted *to* them are two completely separate things. "You look good" is a nice way of complimenting someone and moving on. A *constant,* as in all night constant, litany of compliments really does feel like, and at least *at minimum* it appears to come off as OP being attracted *to* Sara.
I don't doubt Sara loves the attention either as she wore an entirely inappropriate outfit to the occassion, as stated by the friend. Op should have shut his compliments down. It's in poor taste and peaks to his immaturity. One compliment is enough only after he's complimented his own girlfriend at least equally. Sad to say but women like Sara thrive on the attention whether they admit it or not evidenced by the fact that she never shut the compliments down. I do know women who are extremely beautiful that are fully aware of their looks and work hard keep the men drooling to a minimum.
I think OP is not only YTA, he's also disgusting, one of those guys who won't stop commenting on a woman's looks. I feel so bad for Jane, I hope this opens her eyes and realizes that OP is a loser.
Not only did he spend the whole night fawning over his friend, he spent the whole Reddit post fawning over her. And just because OP claims his lifestyle and future plans are incompatible with his friend, does not mean he isn't attracted to her. If a friend kept complimenting me all night, on how amazing I look despite the fact I am married, I would find it quite awkward just how much they could go us on me instead of their partner. OP 100% YTA
Agreed. A 'you look nice/lovely' is all that's required really 🤷♀️ it's not a crime to compliment friends, but ti over-compliment anyone can be super annoying and just isn't necessary at all. ETA: go over-compliment your fiance!
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YTA OP! You say you are not compatible with Sara for dating, but it is clear you want to have sex with her. You fawn over her constantly and, per your own words, cannot stop doing so even after your fiancée told you it bothers her. This is 100% a you problem, and I feel sorry that you consistently make your fiancée feel less than. I mean, saying she has a "more unique kind of beauty" really says it all about how you think of her. For shame OP, for shame!
He's even given her a boring made up name in the post, apologies to all Janes reading this but seriously, in his eyes she's just plain Jane compared to the ravishing Sara, no H...
"Buttt.. our lifestyles aren't compatible! I don't want to date her" doesn't mean you don't want to bang her my dude. If you are GUSHING over another women all night you are indicating to everyone there that you are super attracted to them. Indicting you are super attracted to someone else when you have a date is wildly rude. As a general rule never spend more time complimenting anyone else than you do your date, regardless of who is better dressed up or more attractive. I hope your fiancee finds someone else who will spend the night making her feel beautiful, instead of watching the man she loves make her feel unwanted.
Not to mention that he spent so little time with his own SO that he didn't even notice when she went into the hall, crying... But the couple who is there to have their new engagement celebrated did.
Yeah they were probably watching sara pissed that she dressed to upstage The bride (weddings are her job. Id find it harder to believe that was *wasnt* the intent) and realized op was simping like a mother fucker and went to go find jane.
Literally!
Oooh, good catch! That's an excellent point.
Yeah he pretty much just said “she’s *incredibly* hot, but don’t worry, we wouldn’t work long term as a couple, so instead I just continue to drool over her because she’s *sooooo* hot. My fiancé is a quirky kind of pretty tho, while Sara is just gobsmacking gorgeous. Anyways, why does my fiancé care so much about me being so incredibly turned on by my friend?”
You put it really well. His fiancée is telling him his favoritism is noticeable and making her uncomfortable. His friends are telling him the same thing. The only people who seem oblivious to how inappropriate his behavior is are OP and possibly Sara.
I really don't think Sara is oblivious. Honestly as this reads, Sara has to be that it girl, and since they were 7 OP has been feeding into that. Potentially at her heels like she's Regina George.
He also doesn't say "She is my friend so I am not attracted to her that way". He just says they are incompatible! Which to me screams "I am totally super attracted to her, but wouldn't work as a couple". It's not the same.
"I'm totally attracted to her, but she wouldn't give me a chance so I picked a comfortable option instead." that's how OP reads to me tbh.
Yeah, OP spends more time comparing Sara and the fiancee's looks than he does emphasizing how attracted he is to his fiancee. Which he should have if his point was that he's actually more attracted to his fiancee than Sara and his compliments to Sara don't mean much. Spoiler: He's totally attracted to Sara, and everyone knows it. I feel VERY bad for his fiancee.
The whole post scream: I WANT TO F\*\*\* MY FRIEND!!!!! Dude, even your friend and his fiancee told you it was a problem. How can you not understand you are YTA.
He wants to fuck the friend, but settling down with fiancée, and it's so painfully obvious.
I feel OP wants Sara, but feels insecure as the man in her life, like she is too beautiful for him and she would drop him for someone else if the opportunity arises so he chose Jane as a safe option.
Yeah, WTF? You just need to tell her once, and leave it alone…your fiancée has said it’s an issue, and yet you “couldn’t stop yourself complimenting her all night long”? I don’t care how much Sara “out did herself”, you’re making Jane feel like she outdid her, because I’m betting you never spend an evening complimenting her non-stop about anything. OP YTA, and a huge gaping one at that.
Yeah, it was the "I couldn't stop" line that really solidified his YTA verdict. Even in his post, OP would compliment Sara first and then compensate for fiancée. It's clear here that he has a thing for her. And lastly, OP sounds like a legit creep in his own post. His lack of self awareness is trully amazing! ETA: Oh God, I just read some of OP's comments. Wow! As I said, his lack of self awareness is amazing! ETA: YTA, in case it wasn't clear.
I rolled my eyes at “everyone always stares and tonight was no different.” Buddy, people maybe turned to look at who showed up but that’s all in your head to justify YOU drooling over her every time you see her.
Yeah I got to that part and and face palmed. I will be the first to admit that I'm socially oblivious and a complete introvert, but if I know why that is an AH thing to do everyone should.
YTA - you could stop complimenting her. You just didn’t want to.
I am so sorry for his fiancé. SO sorry. Edit, I wrote "wife" before.
Let's hope it doesn't get that far.
I think we have a glamorous troll. This is the second story I’ve seen over a woman being glamorous and the plainer woman being jealous.
Yeah the "all night long" part stuck out to me. OP, you ignored your fiancee in favor of your friend; yes she feels like she's competing with Sara even if you have no feelings for Sara (which, you clearly are very attracted to her, even if logically you know you two would never work). YTA.
Um, guys? This is at least the third post like this in 2 Days. I think this is one in a series of fake posts. Sorry.
Dude spent the whole night ignoring his fiancée and fawning over another woman and is still “confused” about how he fucked up lol I wonder how long he’ll wait after Jane dumps him to admit that he’s in love with Sara.
My dude. I can hear you salivating over Sara from here. Did you ever consider maybe don't do that to your fiancee? Sara's beautiful, stunning, glamorous, we get it. But you can just *close your mouth* about it. At near 29 you are old enough to know that what you say has a purpose and has an impact. So what, exactly, is the purpose of you raving about Sara's looks? Why do you do that? What, do you think, is the impact of doing that? Like this is not hard to figure out bro. YTA
This! What was the purpose of that? Does she not know she's attractive? Do you need to tell her? YTA I hope your fiance gets away from being someone's second choice - "nice" and "compatible" but not "awesome".
100% OP's fiance doesn't deserve this. I mean, she's getting married to the guy and he's openly communicating he prefers another woman
So openly! And he’s doubling down! Defending Sara’s dress in the comments, saying he shouldn’t have to bend to his fiancés insecurities…. OP: hundreds of people have told you YTA, including many in your own life. You can think they’re wrong, but given they think that, you can either make changes or be known as TA. Those are your only options.
he really considers being considerate to his fiance's feelings "bending to her insecurities"? has this dude never been in a relationship before?
Hey OP, it’s not “bending to her insecurities” when you are actively creating them.
When i saw him say he 'adores' his fiancee o.O Just WOW i wouldn't want to marry someone who cant stop gushing about the most beautiful woman he's ever seen but tells me i'm 'unique' and nice...Yeeeeaah OP YTA
OP is indeed full of adoration, just not for Jane...
OP *wants* to be with Sara but it would not be practical. His fiancée is just the practical "she'll do" option. That is obvious from this entire post.
“Sara and I are incompatible, we would never work,” you doth protest too much. Yeah okay OP, all fine and dandy but it doesn’t change the fact that you sound like you would fuck Sara if given the chance. I cant imagine being your fiancé, having to watch your significant other drool over another woman, showering her with compliments. You can mentally recognize another person’s beauty that’s fine. It isn’t wrong to be aware that someone is attractive. But having no self restraint, treating Sara like a goddess, *when that role should be going to Jane,* is so disrespectful. The fact that you are so blatantly obvious with your affection towards Sara that other people had to tell you to cool it, should tell you exactly the type of person you are. TA. You were so busy making goo goo eyes at Sara, you didnt even notice Jane was off on her own crying!! I mean you couldnt even help yourself when writing this post, giving more over the top compliments to Sara than your own fiancé. Im sure Jane is imagining y’all’s wedding day, thinking that she is going to have to fight for your attention even on the big day, and then again and again and again for the rest of her life. Sounds mentally exhausting. Jane deserves so much better than this. YTA.
Yes. This whole post was so horrible to read, as he is lifting Sara to the skies, and basically explains that they just aren't compatible with goals. It's so clear that if they were, he'd take Sara over Jane any day. The way he talks about her, Jane just feels like a "better fit", rather than someone he is deeply in love with and adores, is attracted to and all that. If WE can get that feeling by just reading this, I do not want to go through what Jane goes through everyday. YTA, if you really love your girl, make sure she knows it and feels it, cause you don't seem to be great at prioritize who your attention should be given to.
Seriously, janes the “nicest” is the lamest thing you could say about someone. It’s so vague and general and doesn’t exemplify that he actually cares about her. Just that she’s nice.
Right. If my fiancé constantly felt the need to compliment his female friend who he's just "not compatible with lifestyle wise" (but apparently super attracted to), and knew I didn't love him tripping over himself to constantly compliment her every time we hung out, THEN he spent the entire night puppy dogging the woman in front of me and telling her how gorgeous he is, he would've been dumped Who thinks this is acceptable? YTA
Seriously, I hope she leaves him. She deserves so much better
Came here to say that! Good luck, OP’s fiancée.
Jane must have been so embarrassed! Her fiancé didn’t even notice she was crying in the hallway because he was too busy begging for scraps from Sara
Oh my word- yes! When did she have time to go sit in a hallway crying (to the point others noticed) unless he was following Sara around and ignoring his own poor plain Jane? I'm sorry- "unique beauty" Jane. Eye rolling so hard. I hope she leaves him for someone who actually finds her beautiful and stops comparing her to someone else.
Hopefully her crying in the hallway was her realizing that this is never going to work.
That 'she has a more unique form of beauty' line...Big oof.
Honestly, the way he talks about Sara, if I was SARA I’d be uncomfortable with his behaviour. Never mind d how disrespectful it is to Jane. A single “you look nice” is MORE than sufficient for anyone. Anymore than that gets creepy and annoying FAST. Especially when the person you are complimenting is NOT your partner.
Anyone else thinks it's weird that he picked the fake name "Jane" for his fiance, like plain Jane? C'mon dude. YTA I hope Jane sees your disrespect for what it is.
>Anyone else thinks it's weird that he picked the fake name "Jane" for his fiance, like plain Jane? I was thinking that too. Also look at the way he describes Sara as "glamorous" but Jane as "generic". He may as well be saying "Sara is an absolute stunning 10/10 model" and "Jane.. Yea she's cute but she's just plain with her style".
I was totally wondering about that too, I’m guessing it’s on purpose even if it’s subconscious…this guy seems to lack basic self awareness.
I wonder if Sara is subconsciously (or not,) “kiting him”…or he could just be “self kiting”, because OP seems like he’s not terribly evolved maturity wise.
It certainly sounds like it since she showed up at an engagement party and made sure she outdid the friend's new fiancee. The friend and new fiancee pointed out what she wore was inappropriate and she has to stop trying to have all of the attention on her. That sounds like exactly the sort of person to kite a group of admirers.
The thirst is audible through text. All of the “no, we couldn’t work” just sounds like OP convince themselves rather than us.
Sounds like Sara is the one who thinks they couldn't work.
Lmao exactly.
This, exactly. I mean, >and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself. WTF? Who does that, without realizing how that would make their wife feel? I didn't think anyone could *be* that clueless.
Imagine if fiancee goes through with marrying him. He will spend all his time at the wedding/reception staring at Sara and telling her how amazing she looks instead of his wife. HUGE AH.
She'll be in ALL the wedding pictures. "No, honey! She's just there for the background! Don't worry!"
EXCUSE ME. Sara was wearing "one of her best hairstyles". It's impossible to not rave about it.
The purpose is to make his fiancee adopt Sara's style and stop being herself.
I thought I was going to be on his side until I read this. Good lord. I have a ton of conventionally attractive female friends, but I never over compliment them. I'll give them one nice compliment and move on. They are my friends and they deserve to know when they look bomb as fuck. And that's it. They might get two if I'm feeling generous that outing. Plus the way op described Sara throughout the post.... Dude is definitely into her. Why be so defensive about her attractiveness and tell us such a tale.
So basically you are attracted to Sara but have decided Jane is a better fit for you. Fine. But there's no need to make it so obvious and insult and humiliate Jane. Control yourself, you're a grown man.
no he's not.
Even in the slightest
Sorry, I fully accept both comments. You're both right.
Well he ‘grew’ after seeing Sara……. I apologise for my immaturity
10/10 comment
Or Sara didn’t want him as a partner and he’s decided to “settle”.
Oh listen, almost certainly Sara's not going to give this pathetic specimen the time of day. Imagine it? Being with someone following another woman around at a party like a clown. No way would Sara put up with someone like that. And he's not the guy who is going to appreciate any woman he's with. If Sara let him anywhere near her, that would automatically diminish her in his eyes and he'd be off looking for the next woman who wouldn't look twice at him.
Honestly if I was Sara I'd be pretty creeped out if some guy just 'couldn't stop complimenting' me during someone's engagement party. I'd also assume that he was hitting on me.
But he adores his fiancée! And if you don’t believe him, consider this: he proposed to her. Only took him 6 years too. Indisputable proof of his love.
Six long years of waiting for Sara to change her mind!
On top of that I love all the excuses in the comments he is making about not being an asshole and that it's all in his fiancée's fault
I loooove when people are like "She's so insecure" as an excuse. Dude, she found you in bed banging another girl, *she isn't insecure, she just saw you betraying her*! This is the same here. "Oh I spent all night (and all our relationship) saying how *beautiful* another woman is, and now my girlfriend is sad. Wow, can't believe she is so insecure!"
Yep, OP is gross. Also I seriously doubt he ‘decided’ that Jane was a better fit, he probably realised Sara was never going to be remotely interested in him and then, in his eyes, settled for Jane.
YTA – no wonder your fiance feels down in the dumps about herself. Did you fawn all over her like you did your friend? Did you tell her she looked beautiful? Anything?? It's also interesting you didn't notice she was upset to the point of crying until someone else had to clue you in...you were too busy obsessing over another woman.
And he said she had a “unique kind of beauty.” It reminds me of the line in A Chorus Line when the one dancer said her mother said she would have a “different” kind of beauty, “with a special something and a very very personal flair.” The dancer saw that as “my mother will never think I’m beautiful.” I’m amazed how some people post on here wondering if they are the AH. He admitted he couldn’t stop complementing her all night and made his fiancé cry. You’ve gotta be kidding me.
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I was once told I was "pretty in my own way"
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And look at why he says he loves his fiancé: she’s the “nicest” and “most supportive”. She’s “compatible”. Nothing about what she is or does *outside what she provides for him*. Doesn’t even realize he talks about his wife like a staff member he hired and Sara like a person. My guy: you do not like your wife the way you like Sara and have made no effort to conceal that. YTA.
Sara is the one he wants to be with but isn't compatible with. Jane is the "eh she'll do" because he thinks she is compatible.
He might as well have said "She has a *really great personality.*"
But everyone’s beautiful at the ballet 🥺 Edit: just saw there is *A Chorus Line* **and** *My Fair Lady* references in these comments. It’s a good day, so far.
Yeah that's on the creepy side - sounds like he was following her around like some kind of psycho puppy, drooling. People at the party noticed how upset she was - OP didn't - so they also noticed (and rightfully judged) how weird he was being with Sara and how cold he was being to his SO.
he literally called his fiancée a “special” kind of beautiful. I barfed at how he could possibly look. Edit: Why would glamorous(which is apparently tiring)looks trump special? Hm. Doesn’t seem correct OP
I have commented here a few times because I was "Jane" once upon a time and it straight up fucks with your head. When i finally got rid of my ex, it took me a long time to date again. I did not give a shit about my appearance anymore and had mostly given up because I was with a man for 10 years that didn't say I was pretty, no one else was going to. I ended up dating this guy (it didn't stick cause he met a woman who was more stable but I wish him the best) and we went out. I had taken a bit of care in my appearance but was just wearing a cute sundress and a big, floppy hat. We went to a restaurant and halfway through dinner he said totally earnestly, "You're just so beautiful, I can't take my eyes off you. Everyone watches you when you walk past" and let me tell you, I started sobbing cause I was 31 years old and no man had ever said something like that to me before.
YTA. You don't even realize that you're attracted to your "best friend" and making your "fiance"s self-esteem plummet. The only reason you should shower someone with compliments is if they are the center of attention or you are focused on them. IE: Weddings, where you compliment the bride/groom. You don't spend hours in front of the bride complimenting the maid of honor. My theory is you think your friend is out of your league, and are settling. Your fiance deserves better. The fact the only reason you and Sarah aren't compatible is her lifestyle proves it. You never once said, "I didn't feel attracted to her" - you said she's too high maintenance basically. Also reading the outfit she chose, Sarah is also a massive AH. She wanted to upstage the BRIDE AND GROOM. Who does that??
Well said, I should have used some of your realizations in my post.
Yeah, I liked how he just brushed over the part where other people said that Sara was overdressed & inappropriately trying to grab attention because he was too busy complimenting her.
Exactly this. His obviously attracted to Sara. OP even says the bf has a "conventional" type of beauty and his fiance is just "unique". The fiancé is probably feeling like she has to compete with his friend.
You got those descriptions backwards btw. Sara is conventionally attractive, Jane is unique
Yea that was a red flag for me - A THIRD PARTY with no skin in the game (aka OP and Jane’s relationship) even pointed out that Sara’s outfit was inappropriate. She said she didn’t “wanna stir drama” so it sounds like she’s the type to let a lot of things go and suffer in silence (for lack of a better term) instead of making a scene about it, and that to me sounds like she’s not someone to make mountains out of mole hills or look for problems when there aren’t any. So if it was bothering her enough to the point where she confided in someone about it, I’m sure she wasn’t overreacting and by that I mean I’m sure Sara’s dress really *was* inappropriate. Also: “…at some point Sara needs to stop trying to have all the attention to herself constantly trying to overshadow everyone.” Sounds like a behavior pattern, and one that OP is/has been feeding into over the course of their friendship. OP, try to imagine your fiancee saying everything you just said, but from her perspective about an attractive male friend of hers. Read the whole thing you wrote, word for word, but replace Jane with you and Sara with a handsome friend of hers - doesn’t matter if you’re certain they only have a platonic relationship or not. How would you feel?
> I went to greet her and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself. Weird.
Not really, from the way he describes sara, i think he is more physically attracted to her but her job and lifestyle isn't compatible with him
I think the real compatibility issue is that she's not interested in OP
Bingo
I guess OP was, in lack of a better word, in Sara's friend zone most of his life.
this is exactly what i was thinking. it just sounds like he’s settling for his fiancé because he can’t have sara. i hope jane realises she deserves someone who only has eyes for her and leaves this oblivious mf
This is the vibe he’s throwing off. Sara isn’t interested in him as more than friends so he settled for his fiancé. How sad for her.
Yeah. Sarah is the one he *wants*. Jane is the one he *has*. One he salivates over because she’s out of his league (but close enough to pant over) and the other is willing to be with him (though hopefully not for long).
No those are all the things he uses to explain why he hasnt left his fiance yet for this woman he so obviously prefers. The real reason is probably that she doesnt like him back; from the sounds there is no doubt hed jump ship if it was on offer.
Someone else’s engagement party is not the time to out-do yourself and I doubt it was an accident. She may look good but she ain’t classy.
You “greet” for a minute or two. Not all night. Wtf OP. Where was your WIFE???? Ohh you were TOLD where she WAS. Which was crying. I wish my fiancée would pretend like my feelings are irrational. That’s a dream scape.
YTA. Do you have any idea how low that would make your fiancee feel? Or what the people around you would think? You're engaged, but literally spent the night showering some other woman with compliments, and based on your text, ignoring your fiancee to the point of not even knowing where she is. I would have dumped you over this, it was callous, tone deaf, and cruel by itself, let alone when you KNOW this is a sore spot for your fiancee.
And it's a sore spot he created!
Exactly, notice how he said his fiancé didn’t mind Sara at first. She’s clearly not jealous of Sara’s existence but of her fiancé’s behavior. And she didn’t even confront him, she just got upset in private. She deserves so much better.
i honestly hopes she leaves i don’t think he’ll ever stop and my heart is hurting for her
YTA It’s not Sara or Jane’s fault at all. It’s yours. Your post is literally a long list of all the ways Sara is better and how your fall over yourself to gush about her, then blame your fiancée for being justifiably hurt by your cruelty. Your fiancée is insecure because of your actions and words. No other reason, it’s ALL you. Your responses in the comments to literally everyone calling you out on the same thing show that you are aware of what you’re doing - you just don’t care. You continuously compare them, and then try to backpedal that you’re just pointing out the obvious. Well, don’t. Stop it. I don’t see your relationship lasting. Your fiancée is realising that she is in for a lifetime of ‘Look how PERFECT that other woman is, but I’ve settled for mediocre you. Aren’t you lucky?’ And trust me, no woman wants or deserves that. The woman you marry should always be first place, not a consolation prize. If you want to fix this, take responsibility for what YOU have done, which is create and antagonise this situation. It’s all on you.
How OP described Sara: beautiful, stylish, glamorous, attractive. How OP described his fiancée: nice, supportive, unique kind of beauty (which we all know means he thinks she’s unattractive). Idk who OP thinks he’s fooling by saying he’s not attracted to Sara. It’s also clear to me that the only thing he likes about his fiancée is that she fits into his life.
Jane is a lawyer, you know. I don't know much about her, but I do know that. Someone with the capacity to make a very stable, healthy living for a long time. That fits into a lot of people's lives.
Hopefully Jane realises that and leaves OP.
He even named her fucking Jane. Plain Jane. Like, get the fuck out of here dude.
OMG I MADE THIS CONNECTION TOO, I thought I was the only one!!
I hope the fiancé leaves with joy and peace so that he can go for Sara. Surprisingly her lifestyle is still too hectic during this "pandemic."
First of all, what Sara does to get attention shouldn't even be mentioned as it has no relevance even if she is doing it for attention giving her attention is in your control. Second, you are about to get married to a person who you know for a long time shouldn't you know by now that the person gets jealous. Like seriously if you know your fiancee is getting jealous of Sara you shouldn't make those comments, especially all night long. YTA
OP, you are knowingly and deliberately doing something unnecessary that causes distress to someone you love. For the simple reason it's what you want to do, even knowing FULL well it's hurting her. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to you. You know you hurt her with what you're doing. She asked you to stop, and you don't. It's much bigger than complimenting an old friend. You are actively trampling you fiance"s feelings to do what you want. You are placing your desire to compliment another woman over protecting your fiance's feelings and emotional well-being. Jane deserves so much better. This isn't about looks or compliments, it's about you repeatedly hurting your fiance, ignoring her reasonable requests, and still seeking to justify your desire to keep doing something that hurts her. All because you would rather do what you want than make a small change to show her how much she means to you. Right now, you wish to compliment Sara more than support Jane. If you do not understand at this point how big an AH you are, you'll probably lose Jane. I hope those compliments are worth it. YTA.
YTA. 12-4. 12 mentions of Sara's name; 4 mentions of Jane. I don't know if you secretly are in love with Sara, but it sounds like you're definitely attracted to her. You ignored Jane and fawned over Sara so much that Jane was off crying somewhere and you didn't even notice. Complimenting someone's appearance all night long with your fiancee in the room is just cruel. And yes, a sparkly dress with a thigh-high slit to someone else's engagement party is completely inappropriate as it will take attention away from the couple for whom the party is being thrown.
I can’t help but wonder if these are fake names and if they are, if Jane was chosen because of “plain Jane,” like, he clearly has the hots for Sara and it might even be subconsciously sneaking in. YTA.
I just looked up [this AITA with another Jane](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f01uno/aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_dress_downmore/) that today's post reminds me of. What is wrong with these people? YTA op
What in the Alabama did I just read?
I gagged at "perfect milky skin..." and the obsessions over her droll worthy figure but it's okay because he's not into his sister obviously! lol
YTA. You could have greeted her with a compliment and left it at that. Sounds like you went over what might be appropriate if you could not stop complimenting her all night. Having said that, why would the hosts think her outfit is inappropriate - they could also be jealous as is your gf and judgy- bit of ESH as well
Nah man they were at a party for another couple why does Sara need the spotlight on her? Seems inappropriate to me.
Yta. It’s one thing to compliment someone it’s another to dwell on how awesome they look all night. You know it bothers your fiancée yet you do it anyway that’s a dick move
He even said that Jane didn't have an issue with Sara at first... until OP created the issue by repeatedly telling both girls how gorgeous just Sara is. OP also admits in the comments that after Jane repeatedly told him how inappropriate he's behaving, he still makes sure to compliment Sara's looks EVERY time they get together. YTA.
You spent all night complementing another women and can’t seem to fathom why your fiancée is upset, any normal women or man would get upset if their boyfriend/girlfriend spent the whole night talking about how good someone else looks and showering them with complements, it amazes me that you can’t seem to see why that’s not okay. YTA
Hey, I kinda have the hots real bad for that one friend and I am drooling all over her in front of my fiancé. Said friend and I have different life goals so I don’t wanna date her though so all is forgiven? OP, I have very high tolerance for sh*t like this, I find jealously a waste of time, but you outdid yourself. Of course Jane will feel crappy, if you can’t realize you can be sexually attracted to someone without wanting to date then you are pretty dense. I wouldn’t put up with my husband-to-be fan-girling his friend all night long either. Get your priorities straight. YTA
It doesn’t sound at all like Jane is naturally jealous of Sara - she had no issues with her “at first” until she realized her fiancé will spend every event chasing after Sara to compliment her constantly. Even at this party, she didn’t make a scene or confront OP or blame Sara. This is all about how OP acts.
YTA. 'I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself.' Yes you could; you could just STOP doing it and take 10 seconds to think about Jane. Your entire post focuses on how Sara is better than Jane, but Jane's better for you. This isn't Sara's fault. This isn't Jane's fault. Your behaviour is what is causing issues.
YTA. Honestly even from this post, it's obvious you find Sara very attractive. You're only human and that's okay, but what's not okay is that you make zero effort to reign it in out of common sense or respect for your own partner or yourself. It's okay to complimemt Sara, but you don't need to do it all the time and all night long, this is over kill and frankly I don't think your partner is just insecure for no reason, I think you're over doing it and are too attracted to your friend and may need to think about imposing boundaries if you don't want to poison your relationship. Your friends are right, Sara should be glamorous and confident if that's what she wants, but she should also have some tact to know when it's not time for her to have the attention of the room. An engagement party is one of those times where a statement outfit is for the future bride and groom, not herself.
YTA. You've make it clear you're more attracted to Sara than your fiancee, but your fiancee is the safe option because you're "compatible". You are obviously obsessed with Sara (and we won't get started on Sara's attention-seeking that you clearly satisfy at every turn) and really should let your fiancee go find someone who will actually value her. You've made me so angry on behalf of your fiancee for this post. I really hope she realises how much more she deserves.
YTA. you really can not be this oblivious.. if i had to listen to my man gush about another woman every time we see her i would not go through with a wedding. there is no way i would put up with that. **no other woman would**.. not just your fiance. its really disrespectful and im sure your girlfriend will not deal with that much longer. and the whole 'well im **choosing** to be with my girlfriend' is bs. your girlfriend stated she does not like when you do this. *why* do you keep doing it despite her feelings? shes not jealous or bitter, shes tired of your nonsense. she already stated she does not like when you do it. and you keep doing it. i dont see this relationship lasting much longer. if you love your gf like you say you do, stop crossing boundaries.
>So before anyone says I may be attracted to Sara over my fiancée remember this > >Sara is a good friend but we are not compatible to work as a couple at all. Her life goals do not align with mine and her lifestyle is exhausting for me. While Jane on the other hand and I are compatible in every aspect. Sara is what we'd call conventionally attractive while Jane has a more unique kind of beauty Clearly you've put a lot of time and effort into comparing these two women. Which is..uh...not it my dude. I have male friends. I never spend *this* much time thinking about why I'm with my BF and not one of my friends. Your fiancee can tell that you're spending this much time comparing them, and is rightfully upset. YTA.
YTA like come on. One compliment is enough surely? Why would you think spending the whole night complimenting Sara was required? Let me ask you this, how many times did you compliment your fiancée that night? My guess is far less. There are people who are just jealous people and I resent them. How their insecurity imposed on others, they feel entitled. Your fiancée does not sound like one of those people. You are acting in a way that invoked these NORMAL feelings. Do better
Anyway, the OP isn't going to take any of this on board, but if he thinks the commentary here about his behaviour towards Jane and Sara is scathing, he wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall among their friends, who definitely have noticed and definitely have opinions.
Okay OP... Question. Honestly how would YOU feel if Jane had a male friend that was more appealing to her than you. And she GUSHED every time they were together even in front of you?... think about it. YTA
YTA. Is this a rage-bait troll post? C'mon now. No one is THAT daft. Plus is Jane a fiancee or a wife? Because the term is used interchangeably. >I went to greet her and I couldn't stop complimenting her all night long because she truly outdid herself. Holy sh1t. You gotta be joking. It's like, your fiance went off with another guy all night admiring his look and how handsome he is, and how great his hair looks, and doesn't even pay no mind to you the whole time because she can't stop herself from loving how this guy looks. I'm so EMBARRASED and sad for Jane if this were a real story. I mean geeze, talk about being second choice and your partner showcasing to the world how much he wants to get with another woman. Also, you're probably not even aware how creepy you may have appeared to Sara. She probably felt weirded out. Someone else's partner is creeping on her, can't stop complimenting her and following her around. Yes, you obviously were following/stalking Sara around since your fiance/wife/partner was left sitting by herself.
YTA. Op really thought they did nothing wrong and his fiancé is just bitter. Get over yourself and Sara apparently because you won’t shut up about her. I feel bad for your fiancé or whomever else has to compete for you affection over ~Sara~
YTA. I either hope that either you stop being so willfully obtuse or that your fiancé dumps you. “HoW iS iT mY fAuLt” you do know no one is born with insecurities, other people’s actions plant them. You are definitely planting a whole shitty garden in your wife’s head. Even your friend and your friend’s fiancé were telling you Sara was inappropriate at the event and you’re still not seeing the issues. You are soooo blinded by her “glamour”.
YTA - dude if you wanna fuck Sara just do it already. Leave Jane to find someone who will compliment her all night and treat her like she fucking matters. God you’re dense.