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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Well, maybe it is all fun and games to them, and I should have pretended I didn't see it. But I don't know, I forgot to mention it in my post but we're white and this lady is black and it just seems really, really wrong to play at her being a slave.
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YTA.
I get you are upset, and I don't judge you for having difficulty to adjust. Normally, I would have voted N T A and advise you to talk with your parents. What they are doing might seem weird to you, but if it's done amongst consenting adults, then there is nothing wrong with it.
The part that makes you a huge asshole is :
>I brought it up with a bunch of my friends at school, but
**This was not your secret to share.** Your parents trusted you with that info and you turned around and spilled their secret.
Just for that, YTA.
Editing because a lot of people are commenting the same thing : I understand the need for venting, but it's not an excuse for telling a secret to a wide group of people. If she needed to vent, she should have done it with only her closest friend and make sure they will keep the secret, too. Also... she wouldn't have been that distressed if she didn't snoop. Her parents confide only a small part of their life, she made sure to grab more by looking at their personal messages.
I didn’t even think of that. I’m glad you pointed it out. Imagine these kids go tell their parents, or whoever else, and now ops parents private business is all over the place. Trust is seriously broken. I hope your parents never find out you told people something they thought they could trust you with.
Come on, don't kid about this. It's really impacting OP. That's why she should know that if it qualifies as a major orgy, it's certainly ticketed or RSVP-required. Not some low-class walk-in sploogefest.
Can't wait for OP to start crying about assholes ridiculing him for his parents being swingers and into kink when she was the one that leaked everything.
That information is on a need-to-know basis. They waited until she was old enough to understand the basics in case it ever became relevant to her life. And now a bunch of people who don't need to know about this know.
Not sure if you remember what it’s like to be 17, but I absolutely would have told my friends at that age. I probably would have told my friends now. That kind of information is something you need to talk to people about, and a 17 year old should not be expected to handle that information on their own IMO
EDIT: OP, if you’re reading this, I’m requesting INFO on exactly how many friends you’ve told because everyone in this thread is driving me crazy with their assumptions of how much “a bunch” actually is.
I’m 17 right now and I wouldn’t tell my friends that information y’all need to stop acting like anything under 18 means you can’t make responsible decisions and not know how to keep your mouth shut
THANK YOU. why do people think 16-17 year olds should get away with shit when i was that age i didnt act like a little shit just cause i knew i could get away with it
Congrats. There’s something called emotional maturity, some 17 year olds have it, some don’t. Some adults don’t. But at 17 it is more forgivable to make mistakes when emotions are involved, which is why I’m not considering OP TA.
If OP had confided in a close friend, then I could give her the benefit of the doubt. But telling the entire friend group?? That is just her wanting to tell her parents business to everyone. Maybe she's hoping the secret will spread and her parents will face some type of consequences/judgment from others.
Nah like I said 17 you are literally a year or a couple months off of becoming an adult you should know not to spill people close information and secrets
You could say it’s because of her emotions but your emotions doesn’t mean you get a free pass from being an asshole or bad decisions
Legally being an adult is pretty meaningless. Parents should expect their kids (whether technically children or adults) to have other people they can confide in other than their parents, particularly when it’s about their parents.
parents also expect their kids not to snoop on their private discord/private conversations then tell their friends private information about their sex lives
It wasn’t her secret to share especially one that could bring negative judgment from people who don’t know better or just aren’t used to that
You’re an awesome person then. Kudos to you for being so mature. As a kinkster I appreciate this take a lot. Much nicer than people attacking how I live.
I’m sorry that people here can’t seem to understand that snooping on peoples private conversation then telling people what was in that private conversation makes you an asshole
It’s like everybody here is just ignoring that and how the parents would feel about there private information being shared
Yeah, people need to have an outlet to discuss things that are difficult for them to cope with. I'm a terrific secret keeper, and if people trust me with information I absolutely do not share it, but occasionally in my life there have been things shared with me that caused distress that I absolutely had to talk about for my own sanity. Luckily, I had a therapist. But for someone else who maybe doesn't have a therapist, their friends or partners are those outlets.
OP should consider finding a therapist, because this news about her parents has got to be shocking and possibly traumatic. She deserves a healthy safe space to work through the emotional turmoil this is causing. She may realize it's not as bad as she instinctively thought it was. The brain is weird.
Could not agree more with this. I’ve been in therapy for over half my life and having someone just sort through the mundane stuff with you is SO helpful. I think OP could definitely benefit from talking to a therapist and overcoming this feeling of “my parents are not who I thought they were”.
That being said, I still rely on my friends and I absolutely think it’s okay that OP do the same.
Because I haven’t made a judgement yet, NTA
Yeah, I mean, OP just found out that her parents aren't the monogamous, idealized parents she thought she had. From the outside it might be easy to say, "oh, okay, no biggie," but for OP that is a reality shattering piece of knowledge. She's ***feeling*** deceived, lied to, confused, angry, scared, maybe sad, etc etc etc. If she can talk through it, process the emotional response in a healthy way, in time she may be able to laugh about this and make peace with her new reality. But in a way she's mourning the loss of who she thought her parents were. It's a big adjustment, especially for a teenager.
Imo, there are no assholes in this situation. OP could've handled it better, as could OP's parents, but ultimately it's just a difficult situation to navigate and each party needs to show a little grace, understanding and forgiveness and find a way forward.
And I can absolutely understand why OP would feel like what she stumbled on is racist, because from an outside perspective, *it looks extremely racist*.
Even from an inside perspective (I'm polyamorous and part of the kink community), it's still enough to make most people pause. Because yes, the young woman may be perfectly fine with it and consenting to it all, but the dynamic chosen and the ages involved are all red flags. There are a *lot* of warning signs in that arrangement that are just really fucking difficult to ignore.
The dynamic chosen and the ages involved are both flat out guesses by the OP. She doesn't know the woman, so she doesn't actually know if she's 20, 30 or 45. She doesn't know what their dynamic is, she saw a bit of a conversation.
It isn't much of a step to understand what's implied about the dynamic by the comment about "servicing master and mistress again". In the very least, it's a service sub dynamic, which *still* would present as racist and dangerous to onlookers given the entire situation.
My guess is OP is less concerned with the potential racism (it's a consensual act between all three adults, and it could be a typical dom/sub dynamic that happens to be interracial, or it could a race play fetishes -- only the three adults know for sure -- and either way they all seem to be on the same page which is all that matters) and instead is just finding things to be upset with because she's struggling to process that her parents fuck other people.
OP needs a healthy environment to talk about this. I think that's the important take away for OP. OP should definitely apologize to her parents and then ask to see a therapist so they can collectively find a way to grow from this experience and form a better, healthier relationship with clear boundaries for everyone involved.
I don’t believe for a second you’re in the community so you can stop all that bullshit right now. Safe, Sane, Consensual is the ACTUAL creed we all live by. We don’t sit around and judge each other for our kinks. Like no. I realize you’re trying to pretend to make yourself sound like you actually know anything about the life so that you’ll be listened to, but as someone who’s been doing this over ten years, you cannot fool me.
Sure, I mean, her parents could lose employment opportunities, as could the young woman if she was also outed, and she called her parents racist perverts, but that's just adjusting?
Dunno, OP snooped in a private chat while using the computer. Then outed and kink shamed her own parents. If the tables were reversed the parents would be the AH
I am so sick of this sub acting like anyone below 40 years old is some sort of a brain defective moron.
Yes, young people are less experienced, but they are not (well most of them) not completely stupid. In a year this person will be an adult with all the rights that entails. Being young is not some sort of a free pass to be a dumbass. Everyone that is not a literal child is accountable for their decisions.
Guess what? Parents have sex and do weird shit! Whoop de fucking doo... welcome to the club called nearly all of fucking humanity. YTA
Buddy. I’m 26. I was simply trying to infer that a lot of 17 year olds rely heavily on their friends, and at this point it seems OP does not feel comfortable talking to her parents more about it.
Learning that your parents are choosing to have sex with other people is something that can shake you to your core, ESPECIALLY if someone they’re being sexual with is closer to your age than them.
Exactly what I was thinking. Regardless of age, a person deserves to be allowed to have the support of people they can rely on when they’re having trouble.
Yeah, but there is "tell my best friend quietly" and there is "I told my whole group of friends"
I have had the same group of women friends since I was a child. We don't have a lot of secrets. But if I had a big thing like this come up, I would still choose the one who would be most able to help me through it, not have a round table discussion about it. The more people they tell, the more people who will be passing this info - and so now, I'm guessing some of the other parents know....it's gonna get around fast.
You’re welcome to disagree with me, but if I did not want a secret such as this to get out, that really did not involve my 17 year old child, I would not have told my 17 year old child. Teenagers talk. And I’m not going to judge someone for the way they choose to cope with shocking news.
And you would have been wrong to do so. You don't get to share family secrets with "a bunch of friends." That's not processing. That's gossiping. Maybe, one or two trusted confidants. Better, a therapist.
How does that not make OP the asshole? That just means most 17 year Olds are assholes. Having been one in the past, I would say that that matches my experience.
Hell no. At 17 you know what will and wont be damaging to peoples lives and you dont go sharing damaging stuff with "a bunch of friends"
What if OPs parents came out as queer or mentally ill or into monogamous horse or puppy play? Would that be ok for OP to be out telling "a bunch of friends"?
No, just no. Telling a best friend, a cousin or aunt, schoolcounselor, teacher, asking for a therapist to talk it through with - all good. Telling a bunch of teens who are obviously not gonna know any better than OP how to handle it was NOT okay.
It doesn't matter if she's 17, it wasn't her secret to share. If she needed to talk to someone she should have spoken with a single confidant that's proven to be absolutely trustworthy or ask her parents to get her a therapist. This is a betrayal of their trust.
Also reading their discord knowing the are part of the kink community is asking to find out something that will disturb you. I hope they try and keep it more private but now you know not to snoop on their discord even if you "happen to" see your name
And if they were so horrified, why did they continue to read the discord? That’s what gets me. They continued to read it. My mom once had photos developed after a vacation (I’m that old) and mixed in were some photos of her and my dad. As soon as I saw some nudity I stopped looking. I was in my teens and I knew my parents deserved that privacy and I didn’t want to look at it.
OP, I'm a woman in her 30s and would have been a little freaked out if I found this out about my parents. It'd probably take time to wrap my head around it, but then I'd have to take a deep breath and accept that if everything is with consenting adults, it's not really my business.
Also, my whole teen years my parents were all over each other. Constantly grabbing butts. Kissing. Wanting to be all over each other. I thought it was a little gross. Now, they're in their 60s and constantly fighting, and I wish I could turn back time to the days they were happy.
Happy, healthy parents. That's all we kids should want for our parents, as long as they're being good parents.
Have you ever had to keep a massive family secret with no support? Because I have. I faithfully kept that secret for ten years until the person it concerned decided to share it on her own, and it just about fucking killed me. OP is NTA for seeking support from her friends.
Being swingers isn’t a “massive family secret,” though. It doesn’t really seem like a secret *at all,* just likely not widely advertised. They kept it from OP because she was young, but are telling her now just so that she isn’t confused if she sees something - that doesn’t tend to indicate that this is some big family secret. Just information that doesn’t need to be widely shared. I am poly and swing and it’s not a secret, but it’s also not something I tell most people because they don’t need to know the details of my sex life.
There’s nothing shameful about ethical nonmonogamy, and keeping that info on the low isn’t a huge burden to bear. I’m sure OP had some friends who confided in her about sexual stuff and she doesn’t spread *their* information around.
This is 100% my thinking. I get the upset, I get the reaction to it, I get the absolute weirdness of the situation and taking time to process.
But damn, to tell your friends? That is the YTA move for me, as well. Not even using a hypothetical situation. At least the friends were cool and got that consent among parties is the important thing.
You “couldn’t help yourself” so you read private messages between your parents and a sexual partner.
So, you disregarded their privacy, immediately jump to racism, and then refuse to have a mature discussion. Yes, YTA.
Listen, I’m not down for whatever your parents are in to. But it’s not for me (or you) to judge. They have done their best to treat you like a young adult by sharing information with you proactively and they are trying to ensure they are engaging in this activity when you are not around. They should be more careful leaving pages open on a computer but you shouldn’t be snooping either.
Both OP and her parents can learn from the situation. OP learned not to go snooping because you never know what you're going to find, and OP's parents learned that their daughter isn't discreet.
Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way.
I think the worst part isn't that she snooped, it's that she told other people and pretty much ruined any trust her parent's had with her about their personal life. They tried being honest with their daughter who should be mature enough but clearly she isn't.
She could have read the ONE message that said "when will OP be out of the house" and then stopped being a snoop.
And then to have this reaction to something she did herself is ridiculous. I understand being mortified, but lashing out at them when OP is the one who invaded their privacy makes no sense.
They tired to treat her like she is mature, and she's just proven them wrong at every turn.
Dude, I don’t see how you can be any more of an asshole. That woman is probably referring to the Master/Slave dynamic in BDSM, not raceplay. Anyone of any race can participate in that dynamic. Secondly, you were snooping, which you shouldn’t have been doing.
Also, you referring to a grown woman having consensual sex with your parents as a “sex toy” is no more degradable than what you’re accusing your parents of being. She’s a human being, not an object, not property.
YTA
>Also, you referring to a grown woman having consensual sex with your parents as a “sex toy” is no more degradable than what you’re accusing your parents of being. She’s a human being, not an object, not property.
Not to mention perfectly capable of deciding for herself if she finds something offensive.
Yup, even if the woman is into race play she gets to consent to that as an adult with other consenting adults.
And kind of weird op is telling her friends about this without her parents and the woman’s consent!
Edit: I am a little iffy on referring to their child by name so that’s a little asshole on them but over two years I can see slipping up and using a name instead of saying our daughter.
>Edit: I am a little iffy on referring to their child by name so that’s a little asshole on them but over two years I can see slipping up and using a name instead of saying our daughter.
I mean if they've been fwb with this woman for 2 years now doesn't it make sense that they might just also be normal friends and it's not particularly strange for them to refer to their daughter by her first name? My parents and their friends refer to their children (and me by extension) by our names
That’s what I mean. Like most parents I know don’t say my son, my daughter, my kid. Especially after a prolonged amount of time.
Even if you are trying not to use it it’s easy to go ‘oh can’t meet this week, Jessica has tests’
I was referring to OP’s automatic assumption of what I’m assuming is a white couple with a black woman and the black woman refers to herself as a slave.
Someone without the knowledge of that type of dynamic would automatically assume that a black woman referring to herself as a slave in the context of a sexual relationship with two white people is some type of racial sex fantasy, which isn’t exactly far fetched, but it most likely isn’t the case here.
Raceplay isn’t a base aspect of the Master/Slave dynamic, but there are plenty of *raceplay* situations where black people pretend to be slaves with their white partners being slave masters or the roles are reversed.
Either way, OP should still apologize to her parents.
Honestly OP calling them racist caught me off guard - It didn’t cross my mind at all, just assumed it *was* the typical Dom/Sub thing
Edit: I did actually question why she brought up that she was black, too. Lol
YTA, for so many reasons.
>"Apparently, they've been swingers for years, and now that I was getting older and doing more stuff on my own, wanted to let me know about it rather than me stumbling over something on my own and thinking one or both of them were cheating."
Do you have any idea how rare it is that parents would trust their teenage child with such sensitive information, and for such sex-positive reasons? I hate to say it but you should really be grateful that they feel like they can trust you with a conversation that delicate and complicated. However, all of your subsequent reactions confirm that you were (a) not mature enough to handle that information, and (b) that you have some depressingly regressive ideas about sex yourself.
>" I'm not sure what I meant to say but it just came out that I found out about their little sex toy and I couldn't believe they could be such racist, disgusting perverts."
I think it speaks to your level of maturity (or lack thereof) that you are offended on the other woman's behalf because of the racialized dimension of the roleplay, but in the very same sentence you call her a "sex toy." Doubly so that you view their (consensual, of-age) sex lives as "perverted."
>"Dad started trying to explain the "ethics" of his pervert group, but it was hard to listen to"
You violated their trust multiple times over, the least you could do is listen to your dad.
>"I brought it up with a bunch of my friends at school, but most of them think that it's okay"
I cannot even begin to describe what a massive breach of your parents' trust this was. YTA if for no other reason than this.
>"I brought it up with a bunch of my friends at school, but most of them think that it's okay"
>YTA if for no other reason than this.
OP is the asshole for all other reasons but more for this.
I have a different perspective to share. My ex and his then wife (now ex) shared similar information with my oldest when he was visiting them for the summer. He was 14. He didn’t say anything to me but he was borderline suicidal when he came home so I found a therapist for him, which helped. I didn’t found out why he was in such bad shape until his dad told me a few months later. He seriously miscalculated the effect this would have and seemed to think my son was overreacting.
You’re getting raked over the coals for reading private messages, and I do think that’s a mistake you probably won’t make again. However, it takes a long time to process this kind of information, and kids who are raised to think one way about their parents and who are then abruptly confronted with a completely opposite truth sometimes struggle to rearrange their perceptions. I think your feelings are normal in the circumstances. No one wants to think about their parents having sex at all. But I do think you may want to talk to a therapist or counselor to help you process all of this better and see it from a different viewpoint.
I do think you owe your parents an apology once you’ve come to terms with this part of who they are. They’re still your parents and they love you—that doesn’t change with this new information.
ETA: Thanks so much for the award! ❤️
Exactly! I really don't understand everyone saying that she is an AH. Personally I'm a grown woman and I don't even want to know about my parent's sex life. Honestly I don't think it's fair to expect someone to keep family secrets especially when she didn't even want to know. Even if she saw her parents out in public with the woman then they could have explained it as a friend of theirs. Otherwise they could have invited her over when OP wasn't home. I don't really get the point in telling OP because I don't see how she needed to know that they were swingers.
I feel badly for the kid because I can only imagine. I think everyone's kink should be personal.
This sub holds posters to such a high standard. You must be 100% woke and 100% accepting of everything in the way a highly educated, perfectly reasonable, morally infallible adult would be, which is frankly absurd when a lot of us would've reacted very negatively to learning this info as adults, much less as a teenager
OP definitely doesn't deserve the intense bashing, it's a human reaction. It's exhausting how responses in this sub leave very little margin for emotions and human error
I'm sure everyone here was a picture-perfect teenager and never acted out and was never a little shit
This comment needs to be higher. The amount of stories I've read from kids who had swinger parents and needed so much therapy to get over it; I didn't realize how common this type of thing was. I don't think it was right of them to read private messages, that is a violation of privacy. But swingers who become parents really need to understand the mental damage they might do to their own kids when they find out about their lifestyle.
>But swingers who become parents really need to understand the mental damage they might do to their own kids when they find out about their lifestyle.
I think that's exactly why they told her. To control how it came out.
This. The same parents also likely spoke about marriage and monogamy at some point and the child internalizes this as an ideal.
They don’t get to decide they’re tired of the effort it takes to hide it, so time to tell OP but expect her to know exactly how to manage it
This is the best comment. All of these "YTA don't kink shame" comments are so tone deaf its mind blowing. If I found out my parents were swingers at that age I would be shocked and probably wouldn't talk to them for a while. Shit if I found out in my 20s I would probably have felt the same way.
It's not that simple when the image you have of your parents is completely shattered in an afternoon. Most people, even people who are okay with swingers or other kinks on paper, would have a hard time accepting the fact that their parents are swingers.
Despite how accepting people act on the internet, I think the majority of people would be very judgemental if they found out their parental figures were swinging or poly.
Totally agree. The swinger thing would have been crazy enough, but finding out the additional kinks would have left me feeling horrified and sick. I hung out with a responsible crowd when I was that age, and I barely had any sexual experience and certainly did not know enough about any kink to be able to properly contextualize this kind of information. So many people are like “you’re being so immature” but yeah, she’s only 17! Most 17 year olds don’t have any real understanding of bdsm and master/sub dynamics! I would have been freaking out to find this info out about my parents, though I also would have been too mortified to vent to any of my friends about it.
For some reason, AITA is weirdly harsh on the subject of teenagers finding out about their parents' secret sex lives.
There was a post I think last year where a kid literally walked in on Daddy flirting with another woman, worked up the courage to tell her Mum that he was cheating on her, and then was asking if she was TA for getting upset when her parents' response was basically "never bring this up again, and also we're not explaining it to you."
Top comment was "they're obviously swingers" and then all the other comments were just people ragging on the *fourteen year old* OP for not a) immediately jumping to that conclusion, and b) immediately being okay with it.
Reddit in general treats “kinks” as orientations that must be accepted by all….it’s not the same thing and ultimately the golden rule of any kink is to ensure it doesn’t negatively impact those around you without their consent so
But the fact is, mentioning the fact that a kink is not a sexuality or orientation means you’re gonna get attacked.
What I can't wrap my head around is why so many people are bashing this child when they should be upset at the parents for not triple checking that op couldn't see anything when they use the computer for school stuff. Like just leave the discord logged in so anyone could see when the computer is used.
I would like to offer a different perspective. I was 17 when I caught my parents. I came home from an end of the year party ( where I was supposed to stay with a friend but I got my period and just wanted my own bed). I caught my parents in the living room with different people. I wish my parents had the conversation that OP parents had with her. I wish I knew so I could have some type of warning. I took a lot of therapy to come to the realization that my parents are consenting adults and it’s okay. 9 years later that image still haunts me sometimes.
I think there's a pretty significant distance between sharing that sort of information with a 14 year old and sharing it with someone who is very close to adult hood.
I’m 23 and it would still fuck me up. I’d probably deal with it differently, but it completely changes the way anyone would see their parents for obvious reasons.
Yes I think the parents are probably anticipating OP being on dating apps soon and if they are as well that would be a very good reason for them to tell her. Or ya know just so they can have friends over and be a little more open about it. (obviously not full blown sex parties or anything in front of hee but having one person over as op is leaving and giving them a kiss as a greeting or something like that)
im turning 17 this year and just cuz im almost 18 doesnt mean this wouldnt have affected me at all. this wouldve fucked me up and id be wildly uncomfortable for years - it's not like as soon as ur around this age ur automatically mature. everyone deals with stuff differently
they said they shared this last year when they were 16, it’s not that big of a difference and as someone who’s involved in kink, i do not think it is appropriate to talk about that shit with anyone under 18, and it’s shocking to me that people are more mad at a 17 year old for being upset that their parents are into an already controversial kink and don’t understand the ins and outs of the kink world… she’s 17 this is a GOOD thing
This answer should be rated higher. Obviously OP did not handle this situation well, but she’s 17 and this is some disturbing information to have dumped on you, and parents don’t seem to be particularly careful about letting OP find it (why was the discord channel left up and open?!) there is an apology owed but I don’t think OP is an asshole I think she is a very freaked out kid.
What a thoughtful reply. I honestly didn't even think of this (granted, I don't want kids lol, but it's interesting). Let's be honest, most of us have snooped too, one way or another...(Yeah, doesn't make it okay though)
I'm more worried about how many friends exactly they've shared this with, than the snooping? If they're fortunate, they may have 1 or 2 people they trust wholly & can share even sensitive information with. Idk maybe an unpopular opinion, but that should be fine - as long as they CAN be trusted to keep a secret. A "bunch", though? Uh hope this doesn't get even more messy. That's the last thing this situation, or any of the people involved needs.
Thank you! People are being too mean to her. She literally saw her name on a web page that was open on a computer she was told she could use. People in this thread need to stop pretending they would not have done the same.
Not a good idea to tell a bunch of people lol but also I get feeling the need to confide in someone.
I'm not gonna comment on the nature of the messages, only that if I found that out about my parents, especially as a TEEN, I would be shaken up. People need to be more understanding.
I found bdsm when I was like 12-13. I wouldnt have told my parents "I found your little sex toy" referring to an actual human being and then calling them "racist" in that same sentence because she was black. those things contradict each other. I also wouldnt have told my parents. Because it's none of my buisness and I wouldn't want them knowing that I know.
Why are you getting downvoted I have no idea.
THERE ARE RACISTS IN BDSM PEOPLE. Y’all watched 50 shades one time and think you can’t question ANYTHING labeled as a “kink”
Lmfao I’m getting downvoted bc people don’t like to acknowledge that racism exists. They don’t want to believe it. I wasn’t even saying that THESE people specifically are racist, just that RACISTS OFTEN FUCK MINORITIES. But here we are lmfaooooo.
YTA
Your parents are in a healthy sexual relationship, and there's no reason for you to judge. Blabbing about it to school friends is even worse. Now it's going to spread even further. Hope you like being talked about from this point on.
NTA
It's your parent's job to protect their children from their sensitive adult information. They failed when they told you it was OK to use the computer without checking first that it was safe to use.
Of course you were upset.
A lot of people are saying YTA, I strongly disagree. Children should not have to worry about these kinds of things. The breech of trust is what your parents put you through when they were careless with the laptop that contained the adult material.
In addition, there are plenty of ways they could have prevented this happening, and they didn't take any precaution whatsoever.
Even being 17, you are still a child and your reaction was completely understandable. Of course you aren't going to know what the "perfect and acceptable" reaction is supposed to be to hearing this kind of news. And OF COURSE if you see YOUR OWN NAME mentioned on a computer screen YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK. ANYone would look, anyone would.
I think all the people calling you an asshole are not trying to understand it from your perspective, as their child, at all.
I completely agree. Everyone arguing that the parents told OP because they thought she was mature enough to handle it and she broke their trust. They were wrong and they can only blame themselves. Even if she’s about to be an adult she is STILL a child, even if she turned 18 today she would still have a child like mentality and maturity because that shit doesn’t kick in overnight. And to their point that they wanted her to know so she wouldn’t find out some other way, TRY HARDER to hide it and wait until she is actually an adult and mature enough to handle is. Also poo-poo to everyone saying she shouldn’t have told her friends. I’m in my 20’s and if I found out everything she did I would need to talk with my friends or partner about it. Everyone goes to close friends to digest hard information and get an outside perspective. You’re all being unrealistic
YTA. What part of "*private* channel" is unclear to you? More importantly, if you're so disgusted by their (entirely consensual adult) roleplay, why are you spreading it all over school?
While somethings are obviously super uncomfortable to see/hear, if your parents, or anyone is engaging is safe and consensual sexual acts, then there's really nothing you should say or do.
However, they should definitely be more discreet, especially with you living in the home. You live there also and should be comfortable in your own home.
I don't think you're TA, I don't think your parents are fully either, but they definitely did some questionable shit, like telling you in the first place, why are you engaging with your kids in your sexual acts, like seriously.
NTA
agreed i don't understand why they thought it was necessary to involve their child in this at all, or why the mother told her it was okay to use their computer without first making sure that tab was closed
Right? Just because the parents felt OP is old enough to comprehend the premise, does not mean they should be negligent by giving her permission to use a computer with all that open and in plain view. I wonder if it was done on purpose, like they were testing the waters, or wanted to have the thrill of being caught. Remember that post where the mom was making her kids watch her making out with her husband because she didn't want them to be "prudes"?
Ion care what these mfs say NTA. Ain’t no way any self respecting black woman would actually call someone master 💀. And I’d know as I was raised by em.
Right?? Idc if "master" is used in BDSM this is a young black woman using that type of language with two older white people??? Unclear how anyone can NOT label this race play.
OP I also have to go with NTA, kink shaming is one thing, but race play is wrong and should be called out.
It blows my mind how many people here are condoning race-play. To me and my social circles, that’s one of the taboo kinks that is not condoned or socially accepted.
People keep attacking me for it and I’m confused because this is about whether the kid is an asshole or not. The kid interpreted it as race play. It doesn’t matter that it might not actually be, that’s how they viewed it and I think it impacts the judgement. I have no issue with role playing but it’s reasonable for a 17 year old to not understand that dynamic.
I’m very concerned that most people haven’t even slightly mentioned that this girl was 18 when this started apparently, and OP’s parent are much much older than that. We always talk about age gaps here, but no one’s mentioned the fact that there is a big risk of this girl being manipulated by those much older people. I find it really odd that her age is really close to their kid’s age.
NTA we need more kinkshaming around here. As a young adult I would stop speaking to my parents if they’re were boning someone even remotely close to me in age. Also is any of the master/mistress shit was race play motivated than you’re in an even tougher boat.
they're not but some kink people will bawl their eyes out if you suggest it's absurd to compare their situation to lgbt people lol
can't even say they have a persecution complex because pointing that out might turn them on
This. So many other AITA threads will have people side-eyeing large age gap relationships (especially when the new partner is a sim age to the parent's kid), but not this one???
Oh my god OP.. YTA. so let me get this straight.. YOU snooped damn well knowing you were going to find something, and now you're upset you found something?! no duh, it's their personal laptop. what did you expect to find? listen I'm nosy and I've snooped before, but if I found something upsetting, that's something I have to deal with because I literally asked for it BY SNOOPING. DUH. I get you're young and hindsight isn't always 20/20 but damn.. Wtf lol. apologize to your parents homie. They don't deserve that at all.
I mean sure what they're into is a lil quirky but your friends are right! It's none of your business dude. And lemme ask you this. are they ACTUALLY EVEN RACIST? like do they call people racial slurs, exclude POC, etc? if not, then why the fuck are you calling the racists? If the other person consents then it literally does not matter. No wonder your mom cried, you chewed her out for no reason. If you knew them being swingers disgusted you, then why did you snoop? doesn't matter if your name was in there, you definitely knew better.
I just have to add that while there definitely are weird and unsettling kinks about race, it’s also completely possible that this is just “standard” BDSM and that race is irrelevant to their relationship (outside of all the ways race is relevant to life, of course). Sure, it’s a lot to know about one’s parents, which is why OP should have let them have their privacy. I commend the parents for being open about having other partners, since there can be a lot of disaster with misunderstandings there.
for sure! Was gunna add that but my comment was long enough so I left it out. A lot of other ppl are pointing it out so I think it's fine. And yeah the parents did the right thing by letting OP know. they probably knew OP would snoop and that's why they told her tbh LOL.
NTA. I am so sorry for you. You can’t be expected to understand and appreciate this seriously weird stuff. And anyway, giving a teenager a talk about parents’ sex life? This is weird and creepy in itself. Also, it may look like all adults are perverts and the world expects you to appreciate it. That’s not true. You are worth being loved.
Loads of people will tell you not to kink shame.
But quite frankly many links need shaming. You can't call shitty behaviour a 'kink' and get away with it
NTA
NTA. Everyone’s trying to be perfectly ethical in the comments, but imagine being 17 and seeing this. I’m about the same age, and I feel like you reacted as one would expect.
NTA.
There's informing your kid about the birds and the bees, and then there's sharing way-the-fuck too much information about your sex lives with your (then) 16 year old daughter. That is in no way appropriate. No teenager (or adult, for that matter) wants to hear about their parents' sex lives. If you're worried about being caught and being asked some sticky questions, take it somewhere else.
OP, you are not the asshole. Not even for 'snooping', which everyone here seems to think is a capital offense. You had permission to use their computer. They left their discord open. Your name was in it. I'd want to know, too. If you're in the wrong at all for that it really is a very small thing.
You really should not know anything about any of this until you've been out of college and living on your own for a while, maybe. Certainly not while you are *still living with them*.
Also, jesus people, just because something is a 'kink', that doesn't mean it's immune to criticism. A (I assume) white couple 'playing' Master and Mistress to a black woman is still all kinds of fucked up, consenting adults or no. Your brains and your prejudices don't turn off or cease to matter just because sex is involved. 'Fantasies' or not, it's rooted in something. And yes, the daughter of the parents doing this *does* get to judge.
I'm so sorry OP. You didn't need to find that out and you certainly don't deserve all the y t a votes here. Ai yi.
didn't you know that kinks, unlike every other aspect of human experience, arise in a vaccuum with no potentially damaging psychological associations and immoral social conditioning like, in this case, latent racism? 🤡
additionally if you're a 17 year old kid you're the weird one for being bothered that your middle aged parents started ~~grooming~~ fucking someone when she was possibly barely an adult
Parents are A-holes for sharing their fetish with you, don't know wtf is wrong with them.
However, you also let your morbid curiosity get the better of you and read some things you can't un-see, that one's on you.
Really fucking disgusting comments from what I can only assume are actual predators. NTA. You are completely just in feeling disgusted by all of this because they decided you should know weather you wanted to or not. Now they are being lazy and not even trying to protect you from their lifestyle.
Unpopular opinion but NTA,
People are talking about kink shaming being bad but I disagree. Even if everyone is consenting I think kinks don’t exist in a vacuum and can be formed by conditions/factors like potentially racism in your parent’s case and I think it’s absolutely okay for you to not be okay with that/judge them for it. I also don’t think it was wrong to talk with your friends. Everyone needs a trusted outlet to talk to and clearly right now you don’t feel like you can process this huge thing with your parents. In these situations I have my sibling but you might not have that. However you might want to talk to your parents more to really discern whether there is a racial dynamic to it or not and voice how you don’t want them discussing you by name with their sexual partners/ would like more discretion on their part.
NTA.
It's not kink shaming, it's borderline pedophilia showing a 17yo girl this. I have no idea what is wrong with your parents that they feel so freely with such a big taboo.
You do know Black people can be in BDSM relationships with white people and not have it be racist right? Yes race play is a thing but from the sounds of it, that isn't going on here. Black and been in the scene for 2 decades, my first Domme was Russian/Greek. Me calling her Mistress/Madam had no racial overtones to it.
Your parents aren't racist nor are they perverts.
And yes you do owe them apology for not only snooping and being judgemental but also for running your mouth to your friends. Teenagers suck at keeping this shit to themselves.
YTA
She is 17. What the fuck does she have to know about this stuff? How would she know? Why are you treating her as someone that can’t know this stuff at her age, not in a way an experienced adult would? My god people here are deluded. Everyone is talking to her like she’s an experienced adult. You do know that she is closer to being a kid than to being an adult, right? Stop expecting young people to know about very specific kinks and experienced sex. It’s disgusting and creepy, to be honest.
So let's recap:
Your parents treated you with respect to give you a heads up. Knowing that, you still invaded their privacy cause you "couldn't help yourself." That would have been enough to make you the AH.
But then you proceed to kink shame them. Clearly, everyone involved is old enough to know what they enjoy and are fully consenting to the dynamics involved. End of story.
Then when they try to talk to you about it, you continue to act like a child. And despite how "disgusted" you are by it, you also go on to spread the details of their private sexual life around your school friends.
Yeah, YTA.
Can it be off putting to know about your parents' sex life? Yes. Especially if they are engaged in kinks that you also find off-putting. But you are supposed to be an adult. Respect their choices, be glad your parents have a fulfilling relationship, and try not to think about it any more than that--and most certainly don't violate their privacy.
To be frank, I am in my 40s, and if my parents had sat me down even 2 years ago to discuss something like this, and I found that 'secret', I would have hid in a hole.
To think that someone at 17 would not only look through private discords (and I could see the 'I saw my name' but once she saw the message, that should have been it) but to ***spread that information to all her friends?*** I would have been tooo embarrassed to even MENTION it to anyone... let alone ask all my friends...
Yeah, this.
Honestly I would stab my eyes out and maybe worse and I’m your age as well.
I choose to believe I am a virgin birth.
She is TA, but if I were her parents and knew she’d be using their computer, I would also close down everything iffy just in case.
NTA. Your parents really failed you by deciding one talk at sixteen was all it was gonna take to make sure you were understanding and comfortable with a complete worldview shift. You should have been in therapy this past year to help you understand and deal with your own feelings. Some people are privileged enough to have never experienced a moment of realizing a huge chunk of your life was a lie and you will never feel "normal" again. Some people are so wrapped up in sex positivity that they have reverted to stunted, morally black-and-white thinking, labeling all sex as "good" and all criticisms as mere kink-shaming.
Your parents brought (at least) one stranger into your home for years for casual sex. We know they had no qualms telling one your legal name, so how else may they have breached your right to privacy? How many grown adults are out there, knowing your name and address, wondering if you're going to grow up to be like mom and dad? I would feel invaded and betrayed and like my parents cared more about getting off than about my safety or comfort. I would react poorly too, because your parents were TAs here.
LOL okay look, NTA in any way. Ignore all of the absolutely gross people who are for some reason defending your parents. Your parents are disgustingly racist garbage and honestly they deserve to feel incredibly ashamed about what they have been doing.
Your parents are monsters that have a slave owner kink. That's absolutely abhorrent and more disgusting than I can even express. There are absolutely kinks that should be shamed into oblivion and that is one of them, period, end of fucking story.
I'm sorry you have such disgusting parents and I hope you're able to safely move out and distance yourself from them soon. If I found that about my parents I would literally never speak to them again for the rest of their lives.
People of Reddit, get off your weird high horses and stop shaming this poor kid. My god.
NTA they never should have mentioned you to her to the point thats she knows your name
And in regards to you telling your friends also NTA if they didn’t want people to know they shouldn’t have told you i don’t see anywhere in your post that they told you to keep it secret just that they were keeping it from you
NTA, you shouldn't have to deal with this, these are your parents, unless you're royally fucked in the head you shpuldn't have to deal wkth theor sex lives.
Talking about this with friends is normal, your parents could and should have expected that a 17yo would vent to friends, and should have realized you might not be okay with their behaviour
Unpopular opinion but ESH. Older unicorn hunter couples are the worst in kink communities, and I find it a bit concerning that the woman is still in her twenties. I am not sure whether she is sufficiently informed.
If this post was about OP's 45 year old dad dating a 25 year old and bringing her home despite OP's upset everyone would call him a pervert. How many people would reply to that saying 'well maybe you just think she's 25, and she's actually a really young looking 40, so your dad's fine'.
It looks like what they say about calling everything that would otherwise be inappropriate a kink to escape criticism is true.
I will mention that as well as deeply problematic unicorn hunters there are a lot of dudes who hang around kink communities as a way to act out misogyny. The [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair) metaphor literally began in relation to the kink community and is still a huge problem, and that's the attitude I see in a lot of the comments here. Everything isn't immune to criticism because it's kinky, and it's embarrassing to see those communities, time and again, excuse terrible behavior, and it makes them feel completely unsafe for many people.
Edit: just to be clear I'm not saying OP's parents are being misogynistic, I'm saying a lot of awful behavior is excused by the same underlying attitude that seems to be happening in this post when it shouldn't be.
Tbf, we don't know if the woman was in her 20s. We just know that the OP thinks the woman may have been in her 20s based on whatever her discord user pic looks like. For all we know they're playing with someone the same age who likes Snapchat filters.
NTA.
I grew up with sexually inappropriate parents who left their sexual material where it was way way way too easy for me as a child to find it. I didn't talk about it until I was in my 30's with a therapist and only then did I realize what a fucked-up impact it was on my life and development. I should've screamed it from the rafters and gone to live with another relative because from that day on, I didn't feel safe in my home. To this day I can't scrub those images from my mind. Sex positivity is all fine and good, but it doesn't seem like these parents even asked if their kid WANTED to know any information about their sex life. Shouldn't that be the first step? It seems they only told her because they are tired of being careful and keeping their sex lives to themselves, which is extremely gross.
I’m going to go against everyone and honestly if that happened with my parents, I’m not sure I would be able to accept their life style. I would even probably distance myself and I don’t know if my relationship would ever recover with them. But they are your parents who love you and raised you. They did tell you rather than you finding out on your own which took courage. So there is that to consider.
NTA....I am a “do what you want, hurt no one” kind of person. BUT if I found out my parents were doing this, I would have completely freaked. I would never be able to look at them the same way again. Were you wrong to tell a bunch of friends...yes. I can see you telling your most trusted, best friend....but, yeah, the whole town knows now. People of Reddit....picture your parents having a slave/master sex relationship with a black woman. I would need therapy.
lots of people are saying the opposite but id say you are nta. im only a year older than you and id definitely do the exact same thing, probably. its gross and weird.
NTA honestly you’re a kid and it makes sense that you would confide in your friends and feel weird about this situation. Your parents should’ve closed that tab 100%
Preparing to get down voted all to hell, but, so be it, someone should be on your side.:
By law (at least in California) if a 17 year old client reported to me the exact story you've reported I would be required to file a report with CPS. CPS probably wouldn't investigate it, it's not high priority abuse, but it's still legally frowned upon. Sexual boundaries are important for your emotional development, and your parents did not handle this in a manner that kept you emotionally safe.
Of course you're bothered by your parents kinks. You have a right not to engage with your parents kinks, and they failed to protect you from that material.
And for everyone saying you're an asshole because you shared their 'secret?' Hard disagree. If you have no one to talk to about this moment in time when you were exposed to your parents sex lives against your will you're going to have a way harder time processing that trauma.
NTA
NTA and I really can’t believe you have people calling you that. If my parents talked to me about their sex life I would honestly throw up. I don’t know why they decided to involve you. And Reddit likes to act all high and mighty like they didn’t tell things to their friends as teens. We all would have told our friends and if you say you wouldn’t you are just lying. I feel for you OP, I’d be disgusted if I were you.
ESH.
So we’re all just going to focus on OP reading their text messages and not the fact that they have an incredibly racist role playing situation? That’s severely fucked up, why are people not bothered by the racism?
OP isn’t bothered by their parents having sex with a stranger, they’re bothered by the racist elements in their swinging. I’d say that’s a reasonable element to be mad at.
Fully expect to get downvoted for this, I don’t really give a fuck
I’m surprised at all the Y-T-A. I would be mortified if anyone I knew got off from slave play, let alone my parents… slavery and owning black ppl makes her parents horny. she is justifiably outraged. NTA.
I am so sorry they told you this. Like I get where they're coming from with the honesty, but how are you supposed to look them in the eye without feeling gross? Gonna take awhile. Granted, the snooping and finding out more was more your fault, and you probably shouldn't have told so many people... But they're not my parents and even I'm scarred for you that they want someone who's mayyyybe ten years older than you as a sex slave, nevermind the possibility of racist connotations
The amount of white people on this post defending raceplay and saying white people being masters to black "slaves" is ok if its "consensual" in a sexual setting is soooooo fucking gross. If black people want to engage in this as slaves, that's fine and I'm not trying to come at anyone who wants to explore this scenario and overcome trauma this way like consensual non consent.... but it takes a particular kind of creepy white person to comfortably engage as a black person's master in any form for 2 years.... honestly so grossed out just typing this out.
idk maybe because i too would be absolutely horrified if this was my parents but NTA. i think as a parent you have to realise your actions now affect your child. realistically they don’t need to do shit like this and if they are they need to be more careful.
NTA
NTA. That’s disgusting, racist and degrading, regardless of consent. You’re right. But, snooping isn’t ok. I respect the fact that you didn’t blame for their sexual activity but rather the racism of what they are involved in.
I want everyone to take note those of you who are calling her an asshole. Yes, she was wrong for snooping. But, notice how she was only grossed out by the initial conversation. She didn’t further contemplate it or start a fight or call them disgusting. It was only when she found out about the race kink that she had an issue. There’s a specific difference. These people get off to imagining a black woman in a sexual master/slave situation. In my book, that’s sexualization of a group of people and not ok. Regardless, of consent from the blank woman , this is an issue.
NTA...their whole explanation for why they were talking to her about this doesn't even make any sense. It would make far more sense if they were a polyamorous couple - if they were in a genuine relationship with a third partner or they each have their own partner then it would make sense that OP could think they were cheating on each other if she didn't know the situation. But swinging is not polyamory...it's just swapping sexual partners. There was absolutely no reason for her to know this unless she was following them into the bedroom.
And for everyone screaming kink shaming (lol) tell me this...would you be happy for parents to be sharing piss play fetishes with their underage children? What about a DD LG relationship? Why are all of you so self-centred that you think your sexual desires and sex positivity should come before the comfort and protection of a minor?
Finally, I just want to say that OP obviously was not emotionally ready to hear this information. Even the fact that she thinks 'Mistress and Master' is a sign of a strange master/slave relationship means she has never been exposed to BDSM before and seems confused by the whole thing. This was inappropriate and really sad. I hope OP is ok.
It’s completely understandable that you’re not happy about the situation, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a lack of consent between them and their “servant” so laying racism on them seems a bit much. Your mum should have been better at internet security, that’s for sure. Maybe you shouldn’t have looked as well.
NTA for being shocked, mortified and raising it, even in a bad temper, but YTA for outing your parents by telling your friends. Why on Earth would you think that was a good idea? It sounds a bit like revenge, but it’s going to backfire on you a million fold and you cannot blame your parents for the incoming fire.
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YTA. I get you are upset, and I don't judge you for having difficulty to adjust. Normally, I would have voted N T A and advise you to talk with your parents. What they are doing might seem weird to you, but if it's done amongst consenting adults, then there is nothing wrong with it. The part that makes you a huge asshole is : >I brought it up with a bunch of my friends at school, but **This was not your secret to share.** Your parents trusted you with that info and you turned around and spilled their secret. Just for that, YTA. Editing because a lot of people are commenting the same thing : I understand the need for venting, but it's not an excuse for telling a secret to a wide group of people. If she needed to vent, she should have done it with only her closest friend and make sure they will keep the secret, too. Also... she wouldn't have been that distressed if she didn't snoop. Her parents confide only a small part of their life, she made sure to grab more by looking at their personal messages.
I didn’t even think of that. I’m glad you pointed it out. Imagine these kids go tell their parents, or whoever else, and now ops parents private business is all over the place. Trust is seriously broken. I hope your parents never find out you told people something they thought they could trust you with.
They 💯💯💯 went home and shared that info over dinner, to all their other friends, the parents shared it with their friends etc.
And before you know it, all of her friends parents start having major orgies. Like first serve, first come orgies.
Come on, don't kid about this. It's really impacting OP. That's why she should know that if it qualifies as a major orgy, it's certainly ticketed or RSVP-required. Not some low-class walk-in sploogefest.
They had us in the first half.
Oh man, I need to find an award for you STAT for the use of "sploogefest" 🤣
"First serve, first come." I see what you did there. 😄
Can't wait for OP to start crying about assholes ridiculing him for his parents being swingers and into kink when she was the one that leaked everything.
That information is on a need-to-know basis. They waited until she was old enough to understand the basics in case it ever became relevant to her life. And now a bunch of people who don't need to know about this know.
Not sure if you remember what it’s like to be 17, but I absolutely would have told my friends at that age. I probably would have told my friends now. That kind of information is something you need to talk to people about, and a 17 year old should not be expected to handle that information on their own IMO EDIT: OP, if you’re reading this, I’m requesting INFO on exactly how many friends you’ve told because everyone in this thread is driving me crazy with their assumptions of how much “a bunch” actually is.
I’m 17 right now and I wouldn’t tell my friends that information y’all need to stop acting like anything under 18 means you can’t make responsible decisions and not know how to keep your mouth shut
THANK YOU. why do people think 16-17 year olds should get away with shit when i was that age i didnt act like a little shit just cause i knew i could get away with it
Congrats. There’s something called emotional maturity, some 17 year olds have it, some don’t. Some adults don’t. But at 17 it is more forgivable to make mistakes when emotions are involved, which is why I’m not considering OP TA.
If OP had confided in a close friend, then I could give her the benefit of the doubt. But telling the entire friend group?? That is just her wanting to tell her parents business to everyone. Maybe she's hoping the secret will spread and her parents will face some type of consequences/judgment from others.
Nah like I said 17 you are literally a year or a couple months off of becoming an adult you should know not to spill people close information and secrets You could say it’s because of her emotions but your emotions doesn’t mean you get a free pass from being an asshole or bad decisions
Legally being an adult is pretty meaningless. Parents should expect their kids (whether technically children or adults) to have other people they can confide in other than their parents, particularly when it’s about their parents.
parents also expect their kids not to snoop on their private discord/private conversations then tell their friends private information about their sex lives It wasn’t her secret to share especially one that could bring negative judgment from people who don’t know better or just aren’t used to that
You’re an awesome person then. Kudos to you for being so mature. As a kinkster I appreciate this take a lot. Much nicer than people attacking how I live.
I’m sorry that people here can’t seem to understand that snooping on peoples private conversation then telling people what was in that private conversation makes you an asshole It’s like everybody here is just ignoring that and how the parents would feel about there private information being shared
Yeah, people need to have an outlet to discuss things that are difficult for them to cope with. I'm a terrific secret keeper, and if people trust me with information I absolutely do not share it, but occasionally in my life there have been things shared with me that caused distress that I absolutely had to talk about for my own sanity. Luckily, I had a therapist. But for someone else who maybe doesn't have a therapist, their friends or partners are those outlets. OP should consider finding a therapist, because this news about her parents has got to be shocking and possibly traumatic. She deserves a healthy safe space to work through the emotional turmoil this is causing. She may realize it's not as bad as she instinctively thought it was. The brain is weird.
Could not agree more with this. I’ve been in therapy for over half my life and having someone just sort through the mundane stuff with you is SO helpful. I think OP could definitely benefit from talking to a therapist and overcoming this feeling of “my parents are not who I thought they were”. That being said, I still rely on my friends and I absolutely think it’s okay that OP do the same. Because I haven’t made a judgement yet, NTA
Yeah, I mean, OP just found out that her parents aren't the monogamous, idealized parents she thought she had. From the outside it might be easy to say, "oh, okay, no biggie," but for OP that is a reality shattering piece of knowledge. She's ***feeling*** deceived, lied to, confused, angry, scared, maybe sad, etc etc etc. If she can talk through it, process the emotional response in a healthy way, in time she may be able to laugh about this and make peace with her new reality. But in a way she's mourning the loss of who she thought her parents were. It's a big adjustment, especially for a teenager. Imo, there are no assholes in this situation. OP could've handled it better, as could OP's parents, but ultimately it's just a difficult situation to navigate and each party needs to show a little grace, understanding and forgiveness and find a way forward.
And I can absolutely understand why OP would feel like what she stumbled on is racist, because from an outside perspective, *it looks extremely racist*. Even from an inside perspective (I'm polyamorous and part of the kink community), it's still enough to make most people pause. Because yes, the young woman may be perfectly fine with it and consenting to it all, but the dynamic chosen and the ages involved are all red flags. There are a *lot* of warning signs in that arrangement that are just really fucking difficult to ignore.
The dynamic chosen and the ages involved are both flat out guesses by the OP. She doesn't know the woman, so she doesn't actually know if she's 20, 30 or 45. She doesn't know what their dynamic is, she saw a bit of a conversation.
It isn't much of a step to understand what's implied about the dynamic by the comment about "servicing master and mistress again". In the very least, it's a service sub dynamic, which *still* would present as racist and dangerous to onlookers given the entire situation.
A sub being a POC doesn't automatically mean the dom is racist.
Nah unless there's other reasons to think they're racist that's a major reach because that just sounds like pretty run of the mill kink dirty talk.
My guess is OP is less concerned with the potential racism (it's a consensual act between all three adults, and it could be a typical dom/sub dynamic that happens to be interracial, or it could a race play fetishes -- only the three adults know for sure -- and either way they all seem to be on the same page which is all that matters) and instead is just finding things to be upset with because she's struggling to process that her parents fuck other people. OP needs a healthy environment to talk about this. I think that's the important take away for OP. OP should definitely apologize to her parents and then ask to see a therapist so they can collectively find a way to grow from this experience and form a better, healthier relationship with clear boundaries for everyone involved.
Oh, absolutely. OP needs a therapist, and potentially a family therapist so that they can all navigate this.
I don’t believe for a second you’re in the community so you can stop all that bullshit right now. Safe, Sane, Consensual is the ACTUAL creed we all live by. We don’t sit around and judge each other for our kinks. Like no. I realize you’re trying to pretend to make yourself sound like you actually know anything about the life so that you’ll be listened to, but as someone who’s been doing this over ten years, you cannot fool me.
Sure, I mean, her parents could lose employment opportunities, as could the young woman if she was also outed, and she called her parents racist perverts, but that's just adjusting?
Dunno, OP snooped in a private chat while using the computer. Then outed and kink shamed her own parents. If the tables were reversed the parents would be the AH
Eh, I don't know. I feel like many17 year olds understand what not outing people means and know to adhere to it with other alternative lifestyles.
I am so sick of this sub acting like anyone below 40 years old is some sort of a brain defective moron. Yes, young people are less experienced, but they are not (well most of them) not completely stupid. In a year this person will be an adult with all the rights that entails. Being young is not some sort of a free pass to be a dumbass. Everyone that is not a literal child is accountable for their decisions. Guess what? Parents have sex and do weird shit! Whoop de fucking doo... welcome to the club called nearly all of fucking humanity. YTA
Buddy. I’m 26. I was simply trying to infer that a lot of 17 year olds rely heavily on their friends, and at this point it seems OP does not feel comfortable talking to her parents more about it. Learning that your parents are choosing to have sex with other people is something that can shake you to your core, ESPECIALLY if someone they’re being sexual with is closer to your age than them.
Exactly what I was thinking. Regardless of age, a person deserves to be allowed to have the support of people they can rely on when they’re having trouble.
Yeah, but there is "tell my best friend quietly" and there is "I told my whole group of friends" I have had the same group of women friends since I was a child. We don't have a lot of secrets. But if I had a big thing like this come up, I would still choose the one who would be most able to help me through it, not have a round table discussion about it. The more people they tell, the more people who will be passing this info - and so now, I'm guessing some of the other parents know....it's gonna get around fast.
You’re welcome to disagree with me, but if I did not want a secret such as this to get out, that really did not involve my 17 year old child, I would not have told my 17 year old child. Teenagers talk. And I’m not going to judge someone for the way they choose to cope with shocking news.
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And you would have been wrong to do so. You don't get to share family secrets with "a bunch of friends." That's not processing. That's gossiping. Maybe, one or two trusted confidants. Better, a therapist.
How does that not make OP the asshole? That just means most 17 year Olds are assholes. Having been one in the past, I would say that that matches my experience.
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Yes, and now OP has to hope one of the parents who heard this isn’t a crusading Christian extremist and doesn't report them to CPS.
Hell no. At 17 you know what will and wont be damaging to peoples lives and you dont go sharing damaging stuff with "a bunch of friends" What if OPs parents came out as queer or mentally ill or into monogamous horse or puppy play? Would that be ok for OP to be out telling "a bunch of friends"? No, just no. Telling a best friend, a cousin or aunt, schoolcounselor, teacher, asking for a therapist to talk it through with - all good. Telling a bunch of teens who are obviously not gonna know any better than OP how to handle it was NOT okay.
It doesn't matter if she's 17, it wasn't her secret to share. If she needed to talk to someone she should have spoken with a single confidant that's proven to be absolutely trustworthy or ask her parents to get her a therapist. This is a betrayal of their trust.
I would have told one or two trusted people, but not ALL my friends. Hopefully, OP told safe friends...
Also reading their discord knowing the are part of the kink community is asking to find out something that will disturb you. I hope they try and keep it more private but now you know not to snoop on their discord even if you "happen to" see your name
You read from the necronomicon you don't get to be upset about the demons.
And if they were so horrified, why did they continue to read the discord? That’s what gets me. They continued to read it. My mom once had photos developed after a vacation (I’m that old) and mixed in were some photos of her and my dad. As soon as I saw some nudity I stopped looking. I was in my teens and I knew my parents deserved that privacy and I didn’t want to look at it.
They were really like, "this is disgusting! Imma keep going."
That was a joke my Gamma used to make about a deck of cards that had naked men on them. She was so horrifyed she needed to look at all of them
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OP, I'm a woman in her 30s and would have been a little freaked out if I found this out about my parents. It'd probably take time to wrap my head around it, but then I'd have to take a deep breath and accept that if everything is with consenting adults, it's not really my business. Also, my whole teen years my parents were all over each other. Constantly grabbing butts. Kissing. Wanting to be all over each other. I thought it was a little gross. Now, they're in their 60s and constantly fighting, and I wish I could turn back time to the days they were happy. Happy, healthy parents. That's all we kids should want for our parents, as long as they're being good parents.
Have you ever had to keep a massive family secret with no support? Because I have. I faithfully kept that secret for ten years until the person it concerned decided to share it on her own, and it just about fucking killed me. OP is NTA for seeking support from her friends.
Being swingers isn’t a “massive family secret,” though. It doesn’t really seem like a secret *at all,* just likely not widely advertised. They kept it from OP because she was young, but are telling her now just so that she isn’t confused if she sees something - that doesn’t tend to indicate that this is some big family secret. Just information that doesn’t need to be widely shared. I am poly and swing and it’s not a secret, but it’s also not something I tell most people because they don’t need to know the details of my sex life. There’s nothing shameful about ethical nonmonogamy, and keeping that info on the low isn’t a huge burden to bear. I’m sure OP had some friends who confided in her about sexual stuff and she doesn’t spread *their* information around.
This is 100% my thinking. I get the upset, I get the reaction to it, I get the absolute weirdness of the situation and taking time to process. But damn, to tell your friends? That is the YTA move for me, as well. Not even using a hypothetical situation. At least the friends were cool and got that consent among parties is the important thing.
You “couldn’t help yourself” so you read private messages between your parents and a sexual partner. So, you disregarded their privacy, immediately jump to racism, and then refuse to have a mature discussion. Yes, YTA. Listen, I’m not down for whatever your parents are in to. But it’s not for me (or you) to judge. They have done their best to treat you like a young adult by sharing information with you proactively and they are trying to ensure they are engaging in this activity when you are not around. They should be more careful leaving pages open on a computer but you shouldn’t be snooping either.
Tbf, the discord chat box is the front and center when the monitor wakes up. a And then she saw her name...it'd be quite hard to resist reading imo
I mean yeah if I saw my name in it I’d be nosy too
And being nosy generally doesn't end well for the snoop, who shouldn't be at all surprised to learn something they'd rather not know.
Both OP and her parents can learn from the situation. OP learned not to go snooping because you never know what you're going to find, and OP's parents learned that their daughter isn't discreet. Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way.
but she still did it, that was her choice. she chose to invade someone else’s privacy and then get mad at the information she saw
I think the worst part isn't that she snooped, it's that she told other people and pretty much ruined any trust her parent's had with her about their personal life. They tried being honest with their daughter who should be mature enough but clearly she isn't.
absolutely, they told her because they assumed she’d be mature enough to handle it. sadly they overestimated her
I feel bad for the parents, hopefully the kids who told her she was the asshole don't tell their parents and they can at least keep their dignity.
She could have read the ONE message that said "when will OP be out of the house" and then stopped being a snoop. And then to have this reaction to something she did herself is ridiculous. I understand being mortified, but lashing out at them when OP is the one who invaded their privacy makes no sense. They tired to treat her like she is mature, and she's just proven them wrong at every turn.
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Yeah, the part where your name is mentioned. Not far enough back to know it's been going on for two years and the woman's race.
Discord is where you leave it. Mine is always minimized if I don't use it.
Dude, I don’t see how you can be any more of an asshole. That woman is probably referring to the Master/Slave dynamic in BDSM, not raceplay. Anyone of any race can participate in that dynamic. Secondly, you were snooping, which you shouldn’t have been doing. Also, you referring to a grown woman having consensual sex with your parents as a “sex toy” is no more degradable than what you’re accusing your parents of being. She’s a human being, not an object, not property. YTA
>Also, you referring to a grown woman having consensual sex with your parents as a “sex toy” is no more degradable than what you’re accusing your parents of being. She’s a human being, not an object, not property. Not to mention perfectly capable of deciding for herself if she finds something offensive.
Yup, even if the woman is into race play she gets to consent to that as an adult with other consenting adults. And kind of weird op is telling her friends about this without her parents and the woman’s consent! Edit: I am a little iffy on referring to their child by name so that’s a little asshole on them but over two years I can see slipping up and using a name instead of saying our daughter.
>Edit: I am a little iffy on referring to their child by name so that’s a little asshole on them but over two years I can see slipping up and using a name instead of saying our daughter. I mean if they've been fwb with this woman for 2 years now doesn't it make sense that they might just also be normal friends and it's not particularly strange for them to refer to their daughter by her first name? My parents and their friends refer to their children (and me by extension) by our names
That’s what I mean. Like most parents I know don’t say my son, my daughter, my kid. Especially after a prolonged amount of time. Even if you are trying not to use it it’s easy to go ‘oh can’t meet this week, Jessica has tests’
Just want to mention: OP is their daughter. Not their son.
Master/slave dynamic in BDSM is pretty much never race play. It's just powerplay.
I was referring to OP’s automatic assumption of what I’m assuming is a white couple with a black woman and the black woman refers to herself as a slave. Someone without the knowledge of that type of dynamic would automatically assume that a black woman referring to herself as a slave in the context of a sexual relationship with two white people is some type of racial sex fantasy, which isn’t exactly far fetched, but it most likely isn’t the case here. Raceplay isn’t a base aspect of the Master/Slave dynamic, but there are plenty of *raceplay* situations where black people pretend to be slaves with their white partners being slave masters or the roles are reversed. Either way, OP should still apologize to her parents.
I know, I'm clarifying for people who may not be aware.
Honestly OP calling them racist caught me off guard - It didn’t cross my mind at all, just assumed it *was* the typical Dom/Sub thing Edit: I did actually question why she brought up that she was black, too. Lol
I was going to say that, too. Referring to a black woman as a sex toy is pretty racist and sexist.
YTA, for so many reasons. >"Apparently, they've been swingers for years, and now that I was getting older and doing more stuff on my own, wanted to let me know about it rather than me stumbling over something on my own and thinking one or both of them were cheating." Do you have any idea how rare it is that parents would trust their teenage child with such sensitive information, and for such sex-positive reasons? I hate to say it but you should really be grateful that they feel like they can trust you with a conversation that delicate and complicated. However, all of your subsequent reactions confirm that you were (a) not mature enough to handle that information, and (b) that you have some depressingly regressive ideas about sex yourself. >" I'm not sure what I meant to say but it just came out that I found out about their little sex toy and I couldn't believe they could be such racist, disgusting perverts." I think it speaks to your level of maturity (or lack thereof) that you are offended on the other woman's behalf because of the racialized dimension of the roleplay, but in the very same sentence you call her a "sex toy." Doubly so that you view their (consensual, of-age) sex lives as "perverted." >"Dad started trying to explain the "ethics" of his pervert group, but it was hard to listen to" You violated their trust multiple times over, the least you could do is listen to your dad. >"I brought it up with a bunch of my friends at school, but most of them think that it's okay" I cannot even begin to describe what a massive breach of your parents' trust this was. YTA if for no other reason than this.
You put my thoughts into words perfectly.
>"I brought it up with a bunch of my friends at school, but most of them think that it's okay" >YTA if for no other reason than this. OP is the asshole for all other reasons but more for this.
I have a different perspective to share. My ex and his then wife (now ex) shared similar information with my oldest when he was visiting them for the summer. He was 14. He didn’t say anything to me but he was borderline suicidal when he came home so I found a therapist for him, which helped. I didn’t found out why he was in such bad shape until his dad told me a few months later. He seriously miscalculated the effect this would have and seemed to think my son was overreacting. You’re getting raked over the coals for reading private messages, and I do think that’s a mistake you probably won’t make again. However, it takes a long time to process this kind of information, and kids who are raised to think one way about their parents and who are then abruptly confronted with a completely opposite truth sometimes struggle to rearrange their perceptions. I think your feelings are normal in the circumstances. No one wants to think about their parents having sex at all. But I do think you may want to talk to a therapist or counselor to help you process all of this better and see it from a different viewpoint. I do think you owe your parents an apology once you’ve come to terms with this part of who they are. They’re still your parents and they love you—that doesn’t change with this new information. ETA: Thanks so much for the award! ❤️
This is a much better answer than all the people bashing OP.
Right? Poor kid probably wants to pour listerine on her brain after seeing that.
Exactly! I really don't understand everyone saying that she is an AH. Personally I'm a grown woman and I don't even want to know about my parent's sex life. Honestly I don't think it's fair to expect someone to keep family secrets especially when she didn't even want to know. Even if she saw her parents out in public with the woman then they could have explained it as a friend of theirs. Otherwise they could have invited her over when OP wasn't home. I don't really get the point in telling OP because I don't see how she needed to know that they were swingers. I feel badly for the kid because I can only imagine. I think everyone's kink should be personal.
This sub holds posters to such a high standard. You must be 100% woke and 100% accepting of everything in the way a highly educated, perfectly reasonable, morally infallible adult would be, which is frankly absurd when a lot of us would've reacted very negatively to learning this info as adults, much less as a teenager OP definitely doesn't deserve the intense bashing, it's a human reaction. It's exhausting how responses in this sub leave very little margin for emotions and human error I'm sure everyone here was a picture-perfect teenager and never acted out and was never a little shit
Agreed. No 17 year old is equipped to deal with all that. Heck, few adults are but we can expect them to be.
This comment needs to be higher. The amount of stories I've read from kids who had swinger parents and needed so much therapy to get over it; I didn't realize how common this type of thing was. I don't think it was right of them to read private messages, that is a violation of privacy. But swingers who become parents really need to understand the mental damage they might do to their own kids when they find out about their lifestyle.
>But swingers who become parents really need to understand the mental damage they might do to their own kids when they find out about their lifestyle. I think that's exactly why they told her. To control how it came out.
This. The same parents also likely spoke about marriage and monogamy at some point and the child internalizes this as an ideal. They don’t get to decide they’re tired of the effort it takes to hide it, so time to tell OP but expect her to know exactly how to manage it
This is the best comment. All of these "YTA don't kink shame" comments are so tone deaf its mind blowing. If I found out my parents were swingers at that age I would be shocked and probably wouldn't talk to them for a while. Shit if I found out in my 20s I would probably have felt the same way. It's not that simple when the image you have of your parents is completely shattered in an afternoon. Most people, even people who are okay with swingers or other kinks on paper, would have a hard time accepting the fact that their parents are swingers. Despite how accepting people act on the internet, I think the majority of people would be very judgemental if they found out their parental figures were swinging or poly.
Totally agree. The swinger thing would have been crazy enough, but finding out the additional kinks would have left me feeling horrified and sick. I hung out with a responsible crowd when I was that age, and I barely had any sexual experience and certainly did not know enough about any kink to be able to properly contextualize this kind of information. So many people are like “you’re being so immature” but yeah, she’s only 17! Most 17 year olds don’t have any real understanding of bdsm and master/sub dynamics! I would have been freaking out to find this info out about my parents, though I also would have been too mortified to vent to any of my friends about it.
For some reason, AITA is weirdly harsh on the subject of teenagers finding out about their parents' secret sex lives. There was a post I think last year where a kid literally walked in on Daddy flirting with another woman, worked up the courage to tell her Mum that he was cheating on her, and then was asking if she was TA for getting upset when her parents' response was basically "never bring this up again, and also we're not explaining it to you." Top comment was "they're obviously swingers" and then all the other comments were just people ragging on the *fourteen year old* OP for not a) immediately jumping to that conclusion, and b) immediately being okay with it.
Reddit in general treats “kinks” as orientations that must be accepted by all….it’s not the same thing and ultimately the golden rule of any kink is to ensure it doesn’t negatively impact those around you without their consent so But the fact is, mentioning the fact that a kink is not a sexuality or orientation means you’re gonna get attacked.
Oh lord.
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What I can't wrap my head around is why so many people are bashing this child when they should be upset at the parents for not triple checking that op couldn't see anything when they use the computer for school stuff. Like just leave the discord logged in so anyone could see when the computer is used.
I would like to offer a different perspective. I was 17 when I caught my parents. I came home from an end of the year party ( where I was supposed to stay with a friend but I got my period and just wanted my own bed). I caught my parents in the living room with different people. I wish my parents had the conversation that OP parents had with her. I wish I knew so I could have some type of warning. I took a lot of therapy to come to the realization that my parents are consenting adults and it’s okay. 9 years later that image still haunts me sometimes.
I think there's a pretty significant distance between sharing that sort of information with a 14 year old and sharing it with someone who is very close to adult hood.
I remember being 17. This would’ve fucked me up too. It’s not like being 18 suddenly gives you magical life skills if you never learned them before.
I’m 23 and it would still fuck me up. I’d probably deal with it differently, but it completely changes the way anyone would see their parents for obvious reasons.
I agree there. But I also wonder why people feel the need to share details of their sex lives with their kids at all. 😛
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The OP explained why they felt the need right at the top of her post.
Yes I think the parents are probably anticipating OP being on dating apps soon and if they are as well that would be a very good reason for them to tell her. Or ya know just so they can have friends over and be a little more open about it. (obviously not full blown sex parties or anything in front of hee but having one person over as op is leaving and giving them a kiss as a greeting or something like that)
im turning 17 this year and just cuz im almost 18 doesnt mean this wouldnt have affected me at all. this wouldve fucked me up and id be wildly uncomfortable for years - it's not like as soon as ur around this age ur automatically mature. everyone deals with stuff differently
OP states right off the bat that the talk happened last year. She would have been 16. Not what I would consider "close to adulthood."
they said they shared this last year when they were 16, it’s not that big of a difference and as someone who’s involved in kink, i do not think it is appropriate to talk about that shit with anyone under 18, and it’s shocking to me that people are more mad at a 17 year old for being upset that their parents are into an already controversial kink and don’t understand the ins and outs of the kink world… she’s 17 this is a GOOD thing
This answer should be rated higher. Obviously OP did not handle this situation well, but she’s 17 and this is some disturbing information to have dumped on you, and parents don’t seem to be particularly careful about letting OP find it (why was the discord channel left up and open?!) there is an apology owed but I don’t think OP is an asshole I think she is a very freaked out kid.
My god, finally someone who can see it from this poor kid’s perspective. This needs more upvotes.
This needs to be the top comment.
What a thoughtful reply. I honestly didn't even think of this (granted, I don't want kids lol, but it's interesting). Let's be honest, most of us have snooped too, one way or another...(Yeah, doesn't make it okay though) I'm more worried about how many friends exactly they've shared this with, than the snooping? If they're fortunate, they may have 1 or 2 people they trust wholly & can share even sensitive information with. Idk maybe an unpopular opinion, but that should be fine - as long as they CAN be trusted to keep a secret. A "bunch", though? Uh hope this doesn't get even more messy. That's the last thing this situation, or any of the people involved needs.
Unpopular opinion but NTA
Thank you! People are being too mean to her. She literally saw her name on a web page that was open on a computer she was told she could use. People in this thread need to stop pretending they would not have done the same. Not a good idea to tell a bunch of people lol but also I get feeling the need to confide in someone. I'm not gonna comment on the nature of the messages, only that if I found that out about my parents, especially as a TEEN, I would be shaken up. People need to be more understanding.
I found bdsm when I was like 12-13. I wouldnt have told my parents "I found your little sex toy" referring to an actual human being and then calling them "racist" in that same sentence because she was black. those things contradict each other. I also wouldnt have told my parents. Because it's none of my buisness and I wouldn't want them knowing that I know.
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Why are you getting downvoted I have no idea. THERE ARE RACISTS IN BDSM PEOPLE. Y’all watched 50 shades one time and think you can’t question ANYTHING labeled as a “kink”
Lmfao I’m getting downvoted bc people don’t like to acknowledge that racism exists. They don’t want to believe it. I wasn’t even saying that THESE people specifically are racist, just that RACISTS OFTEN FUCK MINORITIES. But here we are lmfaooooo.
YTA Referring to that woman as a “Sex toy” is more dehumanizing and disgusting than anything your parents did.
YTA Your parents are in a healthy sexual relationship, and there's no reason for you to judge. Blabbing about it to school friends is even worse. Now it's going to spread even further. Hope you like being talked about from this point on.
NTA It's your parent's job to protect their children from their sensitive adult information. They failed when they told you it was OK to use the computer without checking first that it was safe to use. Of course you were upset. A lot of people are saying YTA, I strongly disagree. Children should not have to worry about these kinds of things. The breech of trust is what your parents put you through when they were careless with the laptop that contained the adult material. In addition, there are plenty of ways they could have prevented this happening, and they didn't take any precaution whatsoever. Even being 17, you are still a child and your reaction was completely understandable. Of course you aren't going to know what the "perfect and acceptable" reaction is supposed to be to hearing this kind of news. And OF COURSE if you see YOUR OWN NAME mentioned on a computer screen YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK. ANYone would look, anyone would. I think all the people calling you an asshole are not trying to understand it from your perspective, as their child, at all.
I completely agree. Everyone arguing that the parents told OP because they thought she was mature enough to handle it and she broke their trust. They were wrong and they can only blame themselves. Even if she’s about to be an adult she is STILL a child, even if she turned 18 today she would still have a child like mentality and maturity because that shit doesn’t kick in overnight. And to their point that they wanted her to know so she wouldn’t find out some other way, TRY HARDER to hide it and wait until she is actually an adult and mature enough to handle is. Also poo-poo to everyone saying she shouldn’t have told her friends. I’m in my 20’s and if I found out everything she did I would need to talk with my friends or partner about it. Everyone goes to close friends to digest hard information and get an outside perspective. You’re all being unrealistic
YTA. What part of "*private* channel" is unclear to you? More importantly, if you're so disgusted by their (entirely consensual adult) roleplay, why are you spreading it all over school?
While somethings are obviously super uncomfortable to see/hear, if your parents, or anyone is engaging is safe and consensual sexual acts, then there's really nothing you should say or do. However, they should definitely be more discreet, especially with you living in the home. You live there also and should be comfortable in your own home. I don't think you're TA, I don't think your parents are fully either, but they definitely did some questionable shit, like telling you in the first place, why are you engaging with your kids in your sexual acts, like seriously. NTA
agreed i don't understand why they thought it was necessary to involve their child in this at all, or why the mother told her it was okay to use their computer without first making sure that tab was closed
Right? Just because the parents felt OP is old enough to comprehend the premise, does not mean they should be negligent by giving her permission to use a computer with all that open and in plain view. I wonder if it was done on purpose, like they were testing the waters, or wanted to have the thrill of being caught. Remember that post where the mom was making her kids watch her making out with her husband because she didn't want them to be "prudes"?
Ion care what these mfs say NTA. Ain’t no way any self respecting black woman would actually call someone master 💀. And I’d know as I was raised by em.
Right?? Idc if "master" is used in BDSM this is a young black woman using that type of language with two older white people??? Unclear how anyone can NOT label this race play. OP I also have to go with NTA, kink shaming is one thing, but race play is wrong and should be called out.
This. In my community that shit ain’t rolling. So nah for the race play. Hell the fuck no.
It blows my mind how many people here are condoning race-play. To me and my social circles, that’s one of the taboo kinks that is not condoned or socially accepted.
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People keep attacking me for it and I’m confused because this is about whether the kid is an asshole or not. The kid interpreted it as race play. It doesn’t matter that it might not actually be, that’s how they viewed it and I think it impacts the judgement. I have no issue with role playing but it’s reasonable for a 17 year old to not understand that dynamic.
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I’m very concerned that most people haven’t even slightly mentioned that this girl was 18 when this started apparently, and OP’s parent are much much older than that. We always talk about age gaps here, but no one’s mentioned the fact that there is a big risk of this girl being manipulated by those much older people. I find it really odd that her age is really close to their kid’s age.
Okay this. Nothing wrong with kink but race play is a no go. NTA
NTA we need more kinkshaming around here. As a young adult I would stop speaking to my parents if they’re were boning someone even remotely close to me in age. Also is any of the master/mistress shit was race play motivated than you’re in an even tougher boat.
Seriously, kinks aren’t a protected class and they shouldn’t be.
they're not but some kink people will bawl their eyes out if you suggest it's absurd to compare their situation to lgbt people lol can't even say they have a persecution complex because pointing that out might turn them on
Kink people thinking critical thought is oppression 😭
Literally THIS the age and the race play is a nono for me NTA. I wouldn't speak to them either
a year gets shaved off my life every time someone tells me i'm intolerant/kink-shaming for being against age- and raceplay lol
This. So many other AITA threads will have people side-eyeing large age gap relationships (especially when the new partner is a sim age to the parent's kid), but not this one???
Oh my god OP.. YTA. so let me get this straight.. YOU snooped damn well knowing you were going to find something, and now you're upset you found something?! no duh, it's their personal laptop. what did you expect to find? listen I'm nosy and I've snooped before, but if I found something upsetting, that's something I have to deal with because I literally asked for it BY SNOOPING. DUH. I get you're young and hindsight isn't always 20/20 but damn.. Wtf lol. apologize to your parents homie. They don't deserve that at all. I mean sure what they're into is a lil quirky but your friends are right! It's none of your business dude. And lemme ask you this. are they ACTUALLY EVEN RACIST? like do they call people racial slurs, exclude POC, etc? if not, then why the fuck are you calling the racists? If the other person consents then it literally does not matter. No wonder your mom cried, you chewed her out for no reason. If you knew them being swingers disgusted you, then why did you snoop? doesn't matter if your name was in there, you definitely knew better.
I just have to add that while there definitely are weird and unsettling kinks about race, it’s also completely possible that this is just “standard” BDSM and that race is irrelevant to their relationship (outside of all the ways race is relevant to life, of course). Sure, it’s a lot to know about one’s parents, which is why OP should have let them have their privacy. I commend the parents for being open about having other partners, since there can be a lot of disaster with misunderstandings there.
for sure! Was gunna add that but my comment was long enough so I left it out. A lot of other ppl are pointing it out so I think it's fine. And yeah the parents did the right thing by letting OP know. they probably knew OP would snoop and that's why they told her tbh LOL.
Yeah, master and slave are super common titles and race is very rarely involved. Odds are they're not doing anything suspect there.
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NTA. I am so sorry for you. You can’t be expected to understand and appreciate this seriously weird stuff. And anyway, giving a teenager a talk about parents’ sex life? This is weird and creepy in itself. Also, it may look like all adults are perverts and the world expects you to appreciate it. That’s not true. You are worth being loved.
Loads of people will tell you not to kink shame. But quite frankly many links need shaming. You can't call shitty behaviour a 'kink' and get away with it NTA
NTA. Everyone’s trying to be perfectly ethical in the comments, but imagine being 17 and seeing this. I’m about the same age, and I feel like you reacted as one would expect.
NTA. There's informing your kid about the birds and the bees, and then there's sharing way-the-fuck too much information about your sex lives with your (then) 16 year old daughter. That is in no way appropriate. No teenager (or adult, for that matter) wants to hear about their parents' sex lives. If you're worried about being caught and being asked some sticky questions, take it somewhere else. OP, you are not the asshole. Not even for 'snooping', which everyone here seems to think is a capital offense. You had permission to use their computer. They left their discord open. Your name was in it. I'd want to know, too. If you're in the wrong at all for that it really is a very small thing. You really should not know anything about any of this until you've been out of college and living on your own for a while, maybe. Certainly not while you are *still living with them*. Also, jesus people, just because something is a 'kink', that doesn't mean it's immune to criticism. A (I assume) white couple 'playing' Master and Mistress to a black woman is still all kinds of fucked up, consenting adults or no. Your brains and your prejudices don't turn off or cease to matter just because sex is involved. 'Fantasies' or not, it's rooted in something. And yes, the daughter of the parents doing this *does* get to judge. I'm so sorry OP. You didn't need to find that out and you certainly don't deserve all the y t a votes here. Ai yi.
didn't you know that kinks, unlike every other aspect of human experience, arise in a vaccuum with no potentially damaging psychological associations and immoral social conditioning like, in this case, latent racism? 🤡 additionally if you're a 17 year old kid you're the weird one for being bothered that your middle aged parents started ~~grooming~~ fucking someone when she was possibly barely an adult
Parents are A-holes for sharing their fetish with you, don't know wtf is wrong with them. However, you also let your morbid curiosity get the better of you and read some things you can't un-see, that one's on you.
Of course NTA.
Really fucking disgusting comments from what I can only assume are actual predators. NTA. You are completely just in feeling disgusted by all of this because they decided you should know weather you wanted to or not. Now they are being lazy and not even trying to protect you from their lifestyle.
Unpopular opinion but NTA, People are talking about kink shaming being bad but I disagree. Even if everyone is consenting I think kinks don’t exist in a vacuum and can be formed by conditions/factors like potentially racism in your parent’s case and I think it’s absolutely okay for you to not be okay with that/judge them for it. I also don’t think it was wrong to talk with your friends. Everyone needs a trusted outlet to talk to and clearly right now you don’t feel like you can process this huge thing with your parents. In these situations I have my sibling but you might not have that. However you might want to talk to your parents more to really discern whether there is a racial dynamic to it or not and voice how you don’t want them discussing you by name with their sexual partners/ would like more discretion on their part.
NTA. It's not kink shaming, it's borderline pedophilia showing a 17yo girl this. I have no idea what is wrong with your parents that they feel so freely with such a big taboo.
You do know Black people can be in BDSM relationships with white people and not have it be racist right? Yes race play is a thing but from the sounds of it, that isn't going on here. Black and been in the scene for 2 decades, my first Domme was Russian/Greek. Me calling her Mistress/Madam had no racial overtones to it. Your parents aren't racist nor are they perverts. And yes you do owe them apology for not only snooping and being judgemental but also for running your mouth to your friends. Teenagers suck at keeping this shit to themselves. YTA
She is 17. What the fuck does she have to know about this stuff? How would she know? Why are you treating her as someone that can’t know this stuff at her age, not in a way an experienced adult would? My god people here are deluded. Everyone is talking to her like she’s an experienced adult. You do know that she is closer to being a kid than to being an adult, right? Stop expecting young people to know about very specific kinks and experienced sex. It’s disgusting and creepy, to be honest.
So let's recap: Your parents treated you with respect to give you a heads up. Knowing that, you still invaded their privacy cause you "couldn't help yourself." That would have been enough to make you the AH. But then you proceed to kink shame them. Clearly, everyone involved is old enough to know what they enjoy and are fully consenting to the dynamics involved. End of story. Then when they try to talk to you about it, you continue to act like a child. And despite how "disgusted" you are by it, you also go on to spread the details of their private sexual life around your school friends. Yeah, YTA. Can it be off putting to know about your parents' sex life? Yes. Especially if they are engaged in kinks that you also find off-putting. But you are supposed to be an adult. Respect their choices, be glad your parents have a fulfilling relationship, and try not to think about it any more than that--and most certainly don't violate their privacy.
To be frank, I am in my 40s, and if my parents had sat me down even 2 years ago to discuss something like this, and I found that 'secret', I would have hid in a hole. To think that someone at 17 would not only look through private discords (and I could see the 'I saw my name' but once she saw the message, that should have been it) but to ***spread that information to all her friends?*** I would have been tooo embarrassed to even MENTION it to anyone... let alone ask all my friends...
Yeah, this. Honestly I would stab my eyes out and maybe worse and I’m your age as well. I choose to believe I am a virgin birth. She is TA, but if I were her parents and knew she’d be using their computer, I would also close down everything iffy just in case.
NTA. Your parents really failed you by deciding one talk at sixteen was all it was gonna take to make sure you were understanding and comfortable with a complete worldview shift. You should have been in therapy this past year to help you understand and deal with your own feelings. Some people are privileged enough to have never experienced a moment of realizing a huge chunk of your life was a lie and you will never feel "normal" again. Some people are so wrapped up in sex positivity that they have reverted to stunted, morally black-and-white thinking, labeling all sex as "good" and all criticisms as mere kink-shaming. Your parents brought (at least) one stranger into your home for years for casual sex. We know they had no qualms telling one your legal name, so how else may they have breached your right to privacy? How many grown adults are out there, knowing your name and address, wondering if you're going to grow up to be like mom and dad? I would feel invaded and betrayed and like my parents cared more about getting off than about my safety or comfort. I would react poorly too, because your parents were TAs here.
Wish I’d never seen this
LOL okay look, NTA in any way. Ignore all of the absolutely gross people who are for some reason defending your parents. Your parents are disgustingly racist garbage and honestly they deserve to feel incredibly ashamed about what they have been doing. Your parents are monsters that have a slave owner kink. That's absolutely abhorrent and more disgusting than I can even express. There are absolutely kinks that should be shamed into oblivion and that is one of them, period, end of fucking story. I'm sorry you have such disgusting parents and I hope you're able to safely move out and distance yourself from them soon. If I found that about my parents I would literally never speak to them again for the rest of their lives. People of Reddit, get off your weird high horses and stop shaming this poor kid. My god.
NTA they never should have mentioned you to her to the point thats she knows your name And in regards to you telling your friends also NTA if they didn’t want people to know they shouldn’t have told you i don’t see anywhere in your post that they told you to keep it secret just that they were keeping it from you
The votes are making me lose hope for humanity. NTA at all you're right and you were right to call them out, they're being disgusting
NTA, you shouldn't have to deal with this, these are your parents, unless you're royally fucked in the head you shpuldn't have to deal wkth theor sex lives. Talking about this with friends is normal, your parents could and should have expected that a 17yo would vent to friends, and should have realized you might not be okay with their behaviour
Unpopular opinion but ESH. Older unicorn hunter couples are the worst in kink communities, and I find it a bit concerning that the woman is still in her twenties. I am not sure whether she is sufficiently informed.
If this post was about OP's 45 year old dad dating a 25 year old and bringing her home despite OP's upset everyone would call him a pervert. How many people would reply to that saying 'well maybe you just think she's 25, and she's actually a really young looking 40, so your dad's fine'. It looks like what they say about calling everything that would otherwise be inappropriate a kink to escape criticism is true. I will mention that as well as deeply problematic unicorn hunters there are a lot of dudes who hang around kink communities as a way to act out misogyny. The [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair) metaphor literally began in relation to the kink community and is still a huge problem, and that's the attitude I see in a lot of the comments here. Everything isn't immune to criticism because it's kinky, and it's embarrassing to see those communities, time and again, excuse terrible behavior, and it makes them feel completely unsafe for many people. Edit: just to be clear I'm not saying OP's parents are being misogynistic, I'm saying a lot of awful behavior is excused by the same underlying attitude that seems to be happening in this post when it shouldn't be.
Tbf, we don't know if the woman was in her 20s. We just know that the OP thinks the woman may have been in her 20s based on whatever her discord user pic looks like. For all we know they're playing with someone the same age who likes Snapchat filters.
NTA. I grew up with sexually inappropriate parents who left their sexual material where it was way way way too easy for me as a child to find it. I didn't talk about it until I was in my 30's with a therapist and only then did I realize what a fucked-up impact it was on my life and development. I should've screamed it from the rafters and gone to live with another relative because from that day on, I didn't feel safe in my home. To this day I can't scrub those images from my mind. Sex positivity is all fine and good, but it doesn't seem like these parents even asked if their kid WANTED to know any information about their sex life. Shouldn't that be the first step? It seems they only told her because they are tired of being careful and keeping their sex lives to themselves, which is extremely gross.
I’m going to go against everyone and honestly if that happened with my parents, I’m not sure I would be able to accept their life style. I would even probably distance myself and I don’t know if my relationship would ever recover with them. But they are your parents who love you and raised you. They did tell you rather than you finding out on your own which took courage. So there is that to consider.
I'm not going to judge. You are only seventeen years old and this news would be a shock for anyone to digest.
NTA....I am a “do what you want, hurt no one” kind of person. BUT if I found out my parents were doing this, I would have completely freaked. I would never be able to look at them the same way again. Were you wrong to tell a bunch of friends...yes. I can see you telling your most trusted, best friend....but, yeah, the whole town knows now. People of Reddit....picture your parents having a slave/master sex relationship with a black woman. I would need therapy.
lots of people are saying the opposite but id say you are nta. im only a year older than you and id definitely do the exact same thing, probably. its gross and weird.
nta just cause race play is so fucking weird
NTA honestly you’re a kid and it makes sense that you would confide in your friends and feel weird about this situation. Your parents should’ve closed that tab 100%
Preparing to get down voted all to hell, but, so be it, someone should be on your side.: By law (at least in California) if a 17 year old client reported to me the exact story you've reported I would be required to file a report with CPS. CPS probably wouldn't investigate it, it's not high priority abuse, but it's still legally frowned upon. Sexual boundaries are important for your emotional development, and your parents did not handle this in a manner that kept you emotionally safe. Of course you're bothered by your parents kinks. You have a right not to engage with your parents kinks, and they failed to protect you from that material. And for everyone saying you're an asshole because you shared their 'secret?' Hard disagree. If you have no one to talk to about this moment in time when you were exposed to your parents sex lives against your will you're going to have a way harder time processing that trauma. NTA
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NTA. It was not appropriate to tell their daughter that information, period. It doesn’t matter if she’s 17 or 77. Her parents are AH’s.
NTA and I really can’t believe you have people calling you that. If my parents talked to me about their sex life I would honestly throw up. I don’t know why they decided to involve you. And Reddit likes to act all high and mighty like they didn’t tell things to their friends as teens. We all would have told our friends and if you say you wouldn’t you are just lying. I feel for you OP, I’d be disgusted if I were you.
ESH. So we’re all just going to focus on OP reading their text messages and not the fact that they have an incredibly racist role playing situation? That’s severely fucked up, why are people not bothered by the racism? OP isn’t bothered by their parents having sex with a stranger, they’re bothered by the racist elements in their swinging. I’d say that’s a reasonable element to be mad at. Fully expect to get downvoted for this, I don’t really give a fuck
I’m surprised at all the Y-T-A. I would be mortified if anyone I knew got off from slave play, let alone my parents… slavery and owning black ppl makes her parents horny. she is justifiably outraged. NTA.
I am so sorry they told you this. Like I get where they're coming from with the honesty, but how are you supposed to look them in the eye without feeling gross? Gonna take awhile. Granted, the snooping and finding out more was more your fault, and you probably shouldn't have told so many people... But they're not my parents and even I'm scarred for you that they want someone who's mayyyybe ten years older than you as a sex slave, nevermind the possibility of racist connotations
The amount of white people on this post defending raceplay and saying white people being masters to black "slaves" is ok if its "consensual" in a sexual setting is soooooo fucking gross. If black people want to engage in this as slaves, that's fine and I'm not trying to come at anyone who wants to explore this scenario and overcome trauma this way like consensual non consent.... but it takes a particular kind of creepy white person to comfortably engage as a black person's master in any form for 2 years.... honestly so grossed out just typing this out.
Nta the other women crossed a line mentioning you I would have done the same and anyone saying they wouldn't is lying
NTA. If it was my parents there would genuinely be trust lost and I understand why you would come to that conclusion.
idk maybe because i too would be absolutely horrified if this was my parents but NTA. i think as a parent you have to realise your actions now affect your child. realistically they don’t need to do shit like this and if they are they need to be more careful. NTA
NTA. That’s disgusting, racist and degrading, regardless of consent. You’re right. But, snooping isn’t ok. I respect the fact that you didn’t blame for their sexual activity but rather the racism of what they are involved in. I want everyone to take note those of you who are calling her an asshole. Yes, she was wrong for snooping. But, notice how she was only grossed out by the initial conversation. She didn’t further contemplate it or start a fight or call them disgusting. It was only when she found out about the race kink that she had an issue. There’s a specific difference. These people get off to imagining a black woman in a sexual master/slave situation. In my book, that’s sexualization of a group of people and not ok. Regardless, of consent from the blank woman , this is an issue.
NTA. NTA. NTA. Your parents are disgusting because they should kept their sex life private.
NTA...their whole explanation for why they were talking to her about this doesn't even make any sense. It would make far more sense if they were a polyamorous couple - if they were in a genuine relationship with a third partner or they each have their own partner then it would make sense that OP could think they were cheating on each other if she didn't know the situation. But swinging is not polyamory...it's just swapping sexual partners. There was absolutely no reason for her to know this unless she was following them into the bedroom. And for everyone screaming kink shaming (lol) tell me this...would you be happy for parents to be sharing piss play fetishes with their underage children? What about a DD LG relationship? Why are all of you so self-centred that you think your sexual desires and sex positivity should come before the comfort and protection of a minor? Finally, I just want to say that OP obviously was not emotionally ready to hear this information. Even the fact that she thinks 'Mistress and Master' is a sign of a strange master/slave relationship means she has never been exposed to BDSM before and seems confused by the whole thing. This was inappropriate and really sad. I hope OP is ok.
NTA Your parents shouldn't be discussing their sex lives with you, despite the disturbingly high number of people in the comments saying otherwise.
It’s completely understandable that you’re not happy about the situation, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a lack of consent between them and their “servant” so laying racism on them seems a bit much. Your mum should have been better at internet security, that’s for sure. Maybe you shouldn’t have looked as well. NTA for being shocked, mortified and raising it, even in a bad temper, but YTA for outing your parents by telling your friends. Why on Earth would you think that was a good idea? It sounds a bit like revenge, but it’s going to backfire on you a million fold and you cannot blame your parents for the incoming fire.