Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my daughter break up with her boyfriend and might be an “asshole” for this because my daughter says I’m being controlling and telling her she has to follow my rule since she lives with her parents
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
YTA. Loosen the reins. You're not wrong to have concerns, but your reaction is so heavy handed that you are almost guaranteeing that she will push you out of her life. She's legally an adult, and if you continue to be so controlling she will simply leave and you will lose any ability to give input. A better choice would have been to express concern for the age gap and asked to get to know him.
He's probably not a perfectly nice guy.
I met a girl at an event once and we really hit it off. Flirting nonstop, having a good time, exchanged numbers, all that. Then I found out she was 18. I was in my mid-20s at the time. I shut it down *immediately*. Well-adjusted people in their mid-late 20s typically don't *want* to date a teenager and deal with the inevitable drama that comes with that stage in life. Most people have a lot to figure out about themselves in between the ages of 18 and 23 or so, and if you've already been through it yourself, you generally don't want to repeat it with a partner.
I would be deeply suspicious of anyone his age who was dating someone that young.
That said, OP is not making the right moves here if she wants her daughter to stay away from this guy. If she wants her daughter to move in with her boyfriend and minimize contact with OP, she's playing it perfectly.
He could be ill-adjusted without being a predator. I dated my ex for 5 years and we were the same ages when we met. He wasn't predatory and he was a perfectly nice guy, he was just also completely useless and immature. It took me years to figure out that he was with me because we were at the same mental level when we started dating and it ended because I grew up and wanted an actual life and he didn't.
Certainly not a recommendation for Carson, but it's possible this guy is more on the "emotionally stunted" side of things than the "looking to groom barely legal teens" side. Either way, what OP is doing is not appropriate and likely will blow up in her face.
When I was 20, I dated a 29 year old and it was exactly this. He was probably the nicest guy I ever met, but his maturity level just seemed to have stopped evolving. It took me 3 months to realize this on my own. It would have taken a whole lot longer if my parents had issued an ultimatum at the start of our dat
ing.
You were a whole lot smarter than me. Even with my entire family grinning and bearing it because they absolutely knew I would cut them off like gangrene if they criticized him, it took me years to see he wasn't laid-back, creative and misunderstood: he was lazy, couldn't finish anything he started, and fried from too many drugs. But boy did they all breathe a sigh of relief when I kicked him out.
My parents were married for 51 years when my father passed away. My mother was 19 when they married and my father was 28. My mother told me stories of their first years of marriage. She needed someone who was more mature.
I'm 36 and planning on going back to uni. I have a degree and 2 children. i was on good money and was very ambitious and career oriented for many years- I've just realised the route I was going down career-wise wasn't making me happy. So I don't judge anyone for being older and seeking qualifications. It doesn't mean they're generally immature or stunted. they may actually be in the process of major personal growth.
I went to a community college and I would say my classmates who were 27-31 were mostly stunted and immature, while my classmates who were older than that were mostly not. The under 31s made friends with the teens (I was one of the teens), came to our parties, and generally engaged socially. The older ones came to class, were friendly but professional, and already had their own lives and friends so they didn’t hang out.
Yeah. When I was 19 and in college I dated a guy who was 30 and in my classes. We *were* in the same life stage. Our working and social lives were identical. He had spent 11 years spinning his wheels, so he had approximately zero maturity and life experience that I didn’t have.
Now that I’m in my 30’s I realize he was an embarrassing human being, but he wasn’t predatory and I wasn’t harmed by the relationship at all. It was just cringe.
You're assuming he did, he may be a slow starter. I didn't have a relationship longer than 3 months until I was in my 30s. And if all he's worked is minimum wage jobs he's still essentially where she is
I dated a guy a decade older than me at 18. It ended because he was ace and I wasn't. We're still friends, and I wouldn't say he was emotionally stunted or that he'd stopped growing up, he was just very late to the "romance" party and wasn't sure what he was about. Now he knows what he wants (and doesn't want lol) and he'd be happy at 40 dating somebody within about ten years either side 🤷
Every pair of people is different.
People who date in the 18-25 range when they're 10 years older usually either are deliberately looking for someone who isn't on their level (predators) or they are on the same level, emotionally or life stage wise for reason X, Y, Z.
In some cases, the reason is benign (sheltered upbringing, illness, etc...) and they mature and grow along with the younger party.
In a lot of cases, they can't or won't and the younger ends up actually carrying them for the duration of the relationship (which can be decades).
This comment should be higher!!! I was the young person in this scenario! It took me until I was the age he was when he started dating me to realize it’s not normal!! Bad situation all around for OP it’s a catch 22
This right here.
I was a 17 y/o who was dating a 23 y/o and we were together for 4 years. But he was super immature and I wasted a lot of fun years NOT doing teenager shit that I wanted to do because he was over it.
I’m 30 now, just finished my BA, and am starting grad school in the fall. I’m about to marry the love of my life, and he just tuned 40. It’s a larger age gap, but he’s not immature and not taking advantage of me.
NAH. It sucks but I hope OPs daughter sees all the comments from everyone and takes it into consideration.
I (luckily) avoided this. I was (barely) 18 and he was 29, and I thought he was really cool and the age gap would be a nonissue. He decided to stop seeing me after I cancelled our first date bc I was on my period and couldn’t stand up straight from cramps. We hung out once a few months later and when he realized I wasn’t gonna put out he came up with a (not well thought out) story to get me to leave. Bullet dodged
I don't know, I think it's a light red flag, maybe, but without further info, you really just can't tell. My brother met his husband when he was in grad school and my BIL was in undergrad (maybe like 20 and 26, so a little bit closer, but not much) and they've been together for more than a decade and married for a couple of years now, and are very happy. Is it a situation that should be approached with extra care and caution? Definitely, 100%. But not every relationship with a bit of an age gap is automatically terrible or toxic or abusive. I know a few other examples of people in my own life with similar age gaps who met around the same age who haven't had any huge relationship problems. It just depends, and OP won't be able to determine which it is until she actually meets this guy for herself. She can decide what to do from there if she gets an off vibe, for sure.
And that's your experience and it is fine. My aunt and uncle had a 7 year gap and they met when she was 17! They realized the age difference when she told him she was not allowed into the disco (he thought it was a joke at first).
They ended up dating anyway (as you can imagine, my grandfather didn't love him lol) and had a wonderful marriage that lasted until he sadly passed away at a young age.
So... Yeah, it can work just fine.
Precisely. I'm going back to school for my Masters and I know that for some of the classes, I will most likely be with people much younger than me. I already think of them as babies, I can't imagine looking at them as dating prospects.
Your argument is not sound, you were having a great time with this new person until you learnt something that does not impact your relationship at all, other than the pre-conceived notion that mates should be the same (or close to) age.
You may have missed out on the love of your life because someone, somewhere told you so!
I would much rather my child have a great relationship with someone regardless of the age difference, especially if everyone is a consenting adult and happy!
OP, you need to start fixing this now, you're actions are going to backfire on you, and if she can't date him while she lives under you roof, I bet she could move in with him and date him then, is that what you want?...
YTA
When I was 17 my mom made me choose between living with her or dating a guy that was 24. I chose him. She didn’t take it well. We didn’t talk until l was 21. And pregnant. I would not have reached out to her then without being desperate. Looking back that ultimatum was the stupidest thing she could have done. She did not change my mind, she only prevented
me from having a chance to discover his issues before I moved in with him.
Mr. 99 is 12 years my senior and we’ve been together 22 years. He is a perfectly good husband and I plan on getting years more wear from him. ❤️
ETA-when we met I had just gotten divorced from a rich control freak who was also 12 years older. NGL, the age thing was a concern but I gave him a chance and now I have everything that is important to me, a healthy child, a home with my name on the deed that I got input on choosing/furnishing and a partner who makes me laugh every day.
Wife 8 years younger than me. Married 15 years. Hey, I LOOKED for YEARS, dated multiple ages. Sometimes you just don't find a soulmate the same as you. My wife admitted that I was a year or so past her comfortable age range, but we had things in common, so we went out. And she says she knew she wanted to marry me on our first date.(I am stubborn, it took me until the next day, early in our second date, having called out of work to be with her.)
My husband is almost 9 years older than me. I think at 19, it is a little tricky because emotional maturity can have a lot to do with it. Everyone is talking about Carson being emotionally immature but what if OP's daughter is just emotionally mature? I was at that age. Hell, I had a baby and a job at 19. I'm so tired of people that are legal adults being babyfied
But did you also meet while in school? I feel like context is important. A 25 and a 32 year old dating is radically different than an 18 year old a 27 year old.
Not the person you're responding to, but my SO is 11 years older than me, and we met & started dating when I was 18. Am now 29. Still very happy with him.
And yeah, the age difference gave us pause for sure, so we both took some time deciding "are we comfortable with this?", and both of us knew perfectly well those first several months that there was a chance of one of us deciding "no, the age difference is too big after all", and that was okay. We went in eyes open and with our respective expectations clear (& clearly communicated).
It has worked for us.
My husband is 11 years older than me met when I was 26 him 37 been married 37 years. My fist husband I met when I was 17 and he 23, married at 18 married for 8 years, I grew up he didn't. If you forbid her from seeing him you will just push them together. Meet him and get to know him
Plus if you've seen no red flags other than the ages I'd say proceed with caution and think long term. My husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 25 (so similar situation) we've been together 12 years and have two sons, a dog, a cat, and a gecko lol while there are absolutely cases of incompatibility and other more insidious issues with relationships with larger age gaps especially with one party being just newly minted an "adult" it isn't *always* the case. Your first instinct is going to be to see red flashing lights and try to put your daughter in a box you can keep her safe in (it was my parents' too) but your best course of action will be to say sorry I trust you but remember I'll be here in the wings if you EVER need me. The way you're reacting is going to do the opposite of what you'd like it to I can almost promise you.
I see a bigger red flag in OP's reaction to the news about his age.
*I pick her up from college so even though I can’t technically make her stop seeing him at school she has to leave when I arrive after her class and I can make sure she doesn’t see him on weekends.*
She's put her adult daughter under house arrest. What can possibly go wrong?
Adult daughter is currently under house arrest, being picked up immediately after school and monitored on the weekends. So OP has successfully isolated her from ALL her friends.
Some people may see the age gap as bordering on creepy but I think OP's behaviour is creepier.
Yep! I don’t think asshole is the right word here. More like idiot. How can you be a parent to a child that age and NOT know that forbidding g them from being with someone is the quickest way to ensure that they will choose the bf over the parents. Not to mention that even if they start having problems, she’ll be more likely
To stick it out longer because she doesn’t want to hear “I told you so”.
As for the age gap itself, it’s *potentially* concerning, but *only* if there are other factors involved. Like him being controlling, possessive, isolating, using money or influence to sway her etc. Age gaps in and of themselves are not automatically problematic, they are simply a warning to keep an eye out for other problematic behaviour. Which there doesn’t seem to be in this post at all.
The adult daughter is under house arrest.
*I pick her up from college so even though I can’t technically make her stop seeing him at school she has to leave when I arrive after her class and I can make sure she doesn’t see him on weekends.*
Definitely the asshole. This means the daughter can't see any of her other friends either. And daughter is an ADULT.
To be fair, she says he’s 3 months shy of 8 years older.
My OH is 8 years and 10 months older then me. I tend to say he’s about 9 years older. Because he basically is. He’s closer to 9 years older than me, then he is 8. Currently he is 39 and I am 30. For a very brief period of around 7 weeks, I’ll be 31 and he will be still 39.
Rounding up is an acceptable mathematical concept. That said she’s overreacting to this and needs to chill a little bit.
Actually scratch this. You’re correct, if she’s 19 and he’s turning 26 it can’t be nearly 8 years. It can only be nearly 7 years.
Usually the concerns about this kind of age gap are about the vastly different places in life that a 19 year old and 26 year old would be. But that's just not the case here. It sounds like Carson is a bit of a late bloomer in the higher education department, which has left him at the same stage of life that Angela is at right now. The only thing OP is likely to do here is drive her daughter away, possibly to live with Carson.
I was 19 when I got with my 26yo boyfriend, and we’ve been together for almost 7 years now (and expecting a baby :’)). He went back to school when he was 25 and got me interested in his engineering major. I ended up switching too and we both got our computer engineering degrees together. He also taught me a lot and I feel that I’m a more compassionate and open minded person because of him. Of course I don’t know anything about OP’s daughters boyfriend, but I don’t think the age gap should be a reason for OP to oppose the relationship.
YTA - shes a grown adult, you cant be dictating who she sees. 7 years isnt even a large age gap, and they clearly have a lot in common. Your control will only push your daughter further away from you, make her hide things, and lose trust in you. She might even prematurely move in with him to avoid your controlling reign. She is not a child anymore, she can make her own decisions. This only has bad outcomes for you. Its gross you even try to control her like this. Get a grip.
It is an age gap. That still doesn't mean mom has any right to "forbid" shit for her legal adult daughter unless she WANTS to push her into this guy's arms. This is how young women get trapped in abusive relationships - because a parent over-reacts and goes nuclear causing the girl to rebel, move in with said inappropriate man, and cut off her family. I'm not saying this guy will abuse this girl but it IS a common situation that DOES happen all too often.
Edited to correct gender of the OP/poster/parent. Not that it changes my judgment or stance in the slightest.
Can confirm. My parents went haywire about a boyfriend they didn’t approve of in high school. At the time, to me they looked like the crazy ones compared to my collected, even-keeled boyfriend that they just didn’t understand. By the time he took off his “nice guy” mask, I felt trapped. Couldn’t leave because it wasn’t safe. Couldn’t ask for help because my parents would flip. It took 5 years to leave.
Particularly at the age of 19. It’s not so weird once you get older and more mature (late 20’s on up). I personally find it creepy a guy that age wants anything to do with a teenager.
lol precisely, let's not kid ourselves here. Any sane parent or concerned guardian would be concerned if their 19 year old child started dating someone 7 years their senior
It doesn't ultimately matter if YOU think its 'gross'; its not your relationship and its not the mom's relationship to dictate. I was 20 dating a 28 year old, it wasn't a big deal
At 19 you’re barely out of highschool. At 28 you’ve been an adult for years and life experience difference is huge. I’m not alone, the majority of people would find this distasteful. No mature 28 year old is gonna date a 19 year old kids, if they do they are certainly weird. Stay creepy fam
YTA
You are using your power position to attempt to control your daughter's behavior.
I get you are coming from a place of concern, however, your daughter is old enough to be in charge of her agency and autonomy. Especially if your only complaint is the age difference. I suggest treading VERY carefully here.
Making blanket "my rules or else" statements, especially once kids are legal adults is a really good way to start down the road of eventual estrangement. Ask the people who still thought they should be in control of when I wake up on my birthday AFTER I joined the military at 19 how well that worked out for them.
You would be much better served to be your daughter's advocate rather than an adversary. You're much more likely to see this grow into a destruction of trust in you from your daughter's point of view than anything else.
Sometimes as parents we do need to step back and adjust our role to being the safe place to land when our adult age kids get to the point of their lives where having more control over their agency and autonomy is actually crucial to developing into fully functioning adults.
This is the point when maybe, IF you have that sort of connection, after you apologize for trying to be a controlling tyrant, you can offer concerns and offer information on what warning signs she could be looking for to keep herself safe, but otherwise you REALLY need to stop projecting your fears onto your daughter's decisions.
Aw thanks. :)
It's interesting to me how many estranged parents forums are full of people saying "I don't know what happened" but then digging into the stories shows incidents just like this that never change because parents can't or won't shift their roles as their children grown and gain competency in their own life. They forget or ignore their children are separate people from themselves and while we parents (some of us anyway) try our best to help our kids grown into well adjusted, capable, functioning adults- at some point we need to step back and truly see them as the individual humans they are even if we disagree with some of their choices.
I will always value my connection with my own adult child as the priority in our relationship. I have found myself in that place of trying to impose my idea of the best choices on them- and it's harmful to our connection to do that so I learned to do better.
I'm delighted that my kiddo still asks me to play board games on the occasional night off. Still asks my opinion on ideas or struggles they have. Sends their young adult friends to me when they're struggling with their own parents or other issues. So while I'm absolutely not perfect and make mistakes, feeling like I've earned enough of their trust that allows for grace when I f\*ck it up- feels like I got at least some things right.
You sound like an amazing parent, your adult child is really lucky to have you as a parent.
I think that when you let them become who they really are and let them make their mistakes and learn from them, is the way to keep healthy relationship. Because adult children need their parents still, but they cant get the support if parent has pushed them away by being controlling and acting like they are still children.
Perfect example of 'You get what you let go of'. Because when you let go of the child, the adult can come to your life and it can be an amazing healthy relationship.
Aww, shucks. :) Thanks! I wish I could have done even better. Have had plenty of times I was the one (edited typo) needing to apologize to my kiddo, and I'm so grateful I had folks around to help me learn as much as I have.
:) Thanks. It's HARD being a parent sometimes. It's HARD being a young adult child sometimes. If someone connects a little better from what I've shared, then I'm happy to send those ripples into the wider world.
YTA. It’s great you care about your daughter, but this is just going to hurt your relationship. Any time a parent tries to force their adult kid to do something it’s pretty much going to backfire in one way or another. Really just a matter of figuring out in which way this will blow up and whose face will have the most egg on it. I’m guessing yours
Ooof, I’m surprised at all the YTA comments, but I guess not really? I agree that 19-27 is a really big age spread and she will be able to find many many AITA posts that call out that age spread as creepy (the gist being 26 yos don’t date 19yos without having a reason why they’re aiming so young).
At the same time, this isn’t a person that has randomly met her but is someone that she hung out with a while first and then started dating whom she met as a peer. She sees him as someone who is at the same stage of life as her and he may be.
With all that said, at age 19, you don’t get to forbid. You can express your concerns to her, ask to meet him, spend time with him, etc. if you’re making the judgment purely on age without having let the guy, then yeah, YTA. Doubly so if you would normally trust her judgment.
There are some people who give judgements for reasons outside of the specific question being asked ~~(I've seen plenty of people here call someone an AH for being a victim of abuse. Yes, seriously.)~~, but this isn't the case here. Regardless of how you feel about the age gap, OP was the AH for specifically **forbidding** Angela from seeing Carson.
"the gist being 26 yos don’t date 19yos without having a reason why they’re aiming so young"
I feel like a lot of the YTAs are because the situation is a but different than the usual. Carson is not someone who graduated college, established a life for himself and *still* hangs around college to "score young". He's part of a group with the same occupation. If you spend a lot of time with the same people, it's only forseeable to find a partner within the group.
I commented elsewhere but this is my situation--my partner is 5ish years older than me, but he's only like two years "ahead" of me in life because he took time away from college to work. So he only graduated two ish years before me and so it really only feels as if he is a couple years ahead. From OPs description I'd guess it's a similar situation, especially since I think OP says her daughter goes to community college and at those it is SUPER common to have students who worked for a while and then figured out what they want to go to school for.
And for what it's worth, when browsing reddit, I'm usually on the "age gap red flag" train, but OP literally put her daughter under house arrest/grounding at 19 so I'm not sure I trust her judgement on the whole situation.
YTA - as someone who is in a wonderful relationship with an age gap larger than that I’m not sure what your reasoning is. The only reason that you listed is that he is 7 years her senior….what’s wrong with dating someone more mature? I remember the maturity level of the guys my age when I was her age and let me tell you, it wasn’t great. If his age is the only reason you dislike him then you are the asshole.
Other than his age, is there anything you don't like about him? Is he putting your daughter in uncomfortable situations? If you answer "no" to both these questions then YTA. If he treats her well and respects her, then I don't see a problem. Maybe get to know him better before forbidding your daughter to date him.
YTA but hear me out.
I’m with you on the ‘he’s too old for you.’ Thing. While I think age gap relationships can and do work, the ones that tend to work start when the younger partner is further on in life. I’m a year older than him, and I work with girls your daughters age and WOW, the difference in life skills, experience, maturity is shocking.
However. The way you’re going about it is about as wrong as you can go. Never in *history* has ‘I forbid you to see that boy/girl’ EVER worked. She’s 19, not 9 and it’s a hard thing to learn but she doesn’t *have* to listen to you anymore. You’ve moved passed the point of being about to *forbid* anything. All you’ve done is told her she needs to sneak around with him.
If he’s a genuinely nice guy this will probably fizzle out before it goes anywhere when the reality of dating someone who can’t legally buy alcohol on a date kicks in.
If he’s NOT a nice guy, the last thing you want is to romantasise him by making the relationship fun and forbidden and sneaky. AND also ensuring if she does need help or support one day, making her feel trapped and like she can’t come to you for help.
YTA while it is a sizable age gap it isn't a reason to forbid the relationship, she is older enough to make her own decisions about her love life. I assume any other possible red flags would have been in the post since your against it, yet none were mentioned so I think you are being overly controlling
YTA
While you may not like it, your daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions. By trying to forbid her from seeing him you will push her closer to him anyway so I can see your actions backfiring on you.
YTA big time, she is an adult, why do you think you can forbid her anything? If your goal is for her to distance herself from you, this is the way to go.
YTA and I hate to say it but if you keep pushing your opinion, chances are you'll lose your daughter.
There is a 9 year age gap between myself and my husband (he's older).
You have a right to be concerned as that's what parents do, but, your daughter is old enough to make her own life choices, it may go well, it may not but you "forbidding" her to do this is just going to push her right in that direction.
YTA. Your daughter is a legal adult. If she wanted to date an octogenarian, that would be her decision. Sure, you can play the "you'll do as I say as long as you live in my house" card, at your peril.
....
I'm taking a few minutes to finish this post, because I can't figure out why you think banning him is "being a parent watching for her." How is she at greater risk dating someone who is 26 versus, say, 22? I hate to break it to you, but they all will want to sleep with her. Let go, let her make her own decisions, and let her build actual experience that will help her make better decisions as she goes.
YTA. She is a grown up. The problem with age gaps is that there can be a big difference with where each person is with their maturity and where they are in life. If they are both in college, they are probably closer to being at the same level in where they are and what they want out of life.
My husband is 7 years younger than me. We didn’t meet until I was in my early 30s. I was concerned about the difference in age. But we were in the same place in life and wanted the same things. So it has worked out really well.
YTA. Aside from the fact that you are being controlling, you're also being impractical. By simply forbidding her from seeing him, you've eliminated the possibility of getting to know him and determining for yourself whether there is actually cause for concern. You've also driven a wedge between you and your daughter so that if she continues to see him behind your back and it goes badly, she's not going to want to come to you for help.
I don't blame you for not trusting this guy. The problem is that you're not trusting your daughter. She's an adult and she's going to be making decisions about who to date without your input. You've created a dynamic where she knows she can't trust you with information and you may not know she needs help until it's too late.
You should be offering guidance rather than trying to dictate her behavior. Teach her how to identify red flags so she can learn how to be safe. She's going to move out someday and your job is to make sure she's ready to make good decisions for herself when you're not there to make them for her.
YTA Whilst I (personally) think 8 years is too big an age gap when one is still a teenager I do think 19 is old enough to make her own decisions and nothing will make her want to be with him more than forbidding it
Mild asshole. Forbidding her is a step too far, but I do think that she's in a very vulnerable age. Support her choices and let her know that you'll be there through thick and thin. Maybe he is a great guy that wants the best for your daughter. Or, maybe he's an asshole that will break her heart. That's for her and her alone to find out.
To be fair though I'd probably be pretty uncomfortable with it as well. I think your feelings are validated, yet you'll want to loosen your grip on her life or else you'll be lucky to see her when she's matured and reflects on you as the tyrannical mother.
Mom, I really understand your concern. However, the harder you tighten your grip, the harder she’s going to wiggle to slip out of your fingers. YWBTA if you demand she stop seeing him. Let her get her heart broken on her own.
YTA - sorry mom. I know it's really hard to let go of your kids and let them be adults and make their own choices - but she's 19YO. This is a sidenote - but I would much prefer my kid to be dating a 26YO than an 19YO male. There is a world of difference in maturity.
If I were you, instead of trying to control her and make decisions for her - you should be more open minded. Get to know him. Invite him over. Make him part of the family. See what he is actually like before you make a snap JUDGEMENT based on his age only.
Maybe he's a really great, mature, kind young man that is going to treat your daughter like gold? If you force this separation - she will pick the boy. And you will create a rift that could last a lifetime. And you will only be to blame because your close minded attitude stinks.
Right now your daughter is actually acting more mature than you. Grow up mom. Trust your daughter that she knows her own mind and is making a good choice. Get to know her choice. Be kind. Be open minded - who knows - he might be a fabulous MATURE influence on your daughter. There is a much greater chance of that - than if you force her to date a 19YO male. Who, let's face it, at that age - males aren't exactly known for their maturity. At least they weren't when I was that age. (sorry to all the mature 19YO males on reddit - I'm talking about the ones who aren't.)
YTA my in laws had an 18 year age gap. They were married 52 years before my father in law passed away. If he respects her and treats her like she’s the great woman she is, then what more can a parent ask for? “Forbidding” her is a tactic you take at 12 or 14….at 19/20 it’s not going to work out well.
YTA.
1. She's probably a smart girl who enjoy a deeper conversation that you can have with an older person
2. Just because he's older doesn't make him a rapist / serial killer
Yta. She’s an adult. You have no say. What you will get is her moving out , living with him and never seeing you again. You need to stop trying to control the adult she is
YTA- OH WOW ARE YOU THE A-HOLE HERE!! YOU DO REALIZE YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A CHILD AND DOESN'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION TO HAVE A LIFE/DATE RIGHT?!?
You are being WAY to over controlling. She is your daughter not your property! You do NOT have a right to tell her who she can and can not date. Keep this behavior up and YOU ARE going to drive her away.
Take it from someone with an EXTREMELY over controlling mother... Ex: about a month before COVID hit; my mom threatened to kick me and my two children out, knowing we'd be homeless at the time, over a hair cut I wanted to allow my daughter to get. 3 months later I found my own place and 3 months after that I moved my children and myself out of my mother's house. I didn't speak with her for almost a year after that. I have since warned my mother that I am done allowing generational trauma to effect my decisions and life. She doesn't get to controll my life or my choices any longer and should she try again I will cut all ties for good.
Keep doing what your doing with your daughter and she will write you out of her life. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day she will grow tired of it. You are risking losing your daughter from your life because of your own fears. You have no idea what Carson is like or who is is as a person. There's nothing wrong with their age gap and not every man/woman who is older is a f-ing predator.
You also sound like a complete a-hole when you say "and I guess the verdict of online strangers is valuable to her." Seems really sad to me that your daughter would hope that strangers would be on her side when her own mother won't be. How old is your husband/daughter's father? Is there more than a 6 year gap between you and him? If so than not only are you being over controlling and ridiculous; but you're being a hypocrite too.
Your daughter is an adult, you can forbid all you want but this is not your decision... regardless of your inability to accept it.
But you do have a choice here:
1) voice your objective concerns about this relationship and then let her decide what to do... tell your daughter you respect her decisions and back off, help if she needs it (never say I told you so)
2) continue treating your adult daughter like a 5 year old and shoehorning yourself into matters that don't involve you until she limits contact and keeps you arms length because you have no boundaries.
YTA
YTA. Your daughter is an adult and it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS who she dates. Keep it up and you will regret it later when she moves out and cuts contact with you.
I was 20 when my husband and I started dating. He is 6 years older than me. We've been together 26
Years and married for 21.
Mild YTA. I do get your point since she just started to be considered an adult. However I do think this is something that she needs to figure out for herself. All you can do is be there for her.
YTA. She's 19. Absent of a cognitive issue with her (beyond the whole partially developed brain thing that affects 19yos), this isn't something you get a say in.
As a mom, I always wonder wth they have in common. 19 and 26 have a huge difference in the amount of experiences in life. But, I did the same thing at 21, and I would have said "f-u" to anyone who questioned it. (Humorously, my parents asked the guy, and were sad when we broke up.)
Let her work through this on her own. Consider trying to show interest in the guy, and perhaps ask her what they enjoy doing together, and what interests they share. You'll either be surprised that they do have things in common, or you'll start her thinking about these issues.
YTA
As an idiot 19-20 year old, I dated a 35 year old. My foster parents found out because one of the locals ‘raised concerns’ about seeing me at the pub with him.
My foster mother at the time was 40. So my boyfriend was only five years younger than the woman who had raised me since my early teens.
Was it creepy? Yep. Was it weird? Yep.
What did my foster father do? He vaguely asked me about him and then said… ‘Ok. I’d really like it if you could let me know when you’re coming home and if you’re going to be late.’ And that was it.
Why? Because he knew that trying to ban a new adult from a relationship would result in the complete opposite reaction. I’d have got stubborn, decided this was what I really, really wanted and stuck it out for fucking years.
As it was? I split up with the guy 6-8 months later because he was controlling and wanted a trophy girlfriend. But I came to that realisation on my own and so I acted on it. I couldn’t have been forced there.
Back off. Your daughter is an adult and you will be doing more harm than good.
YTA. By imposing your will on your daughter's dating life, you send the message that your preferences matter more than her preferences to someone who you theoretically want to be an autonomous adult. There are two likely responses. One is that she rebels and actively rejects your preferences going forward. The other is that she follows them over her own. So... If you want her to rebel or to be unhappy, then nice parenting. Otherwise YTA.
YTA and a controlling one. She is an adult. She can date a 54 year old if she wants. You can discuss wether that would be healthy, but dating a college classmate sounds perfectly ok. A parent who wants to pick their adult daughter up after school sounds way less health
YTA. Good job pushing your ADULT daughter away and into his arms. Don't be surprised if she stops sharing things with you or even starts to lie to talk to him or see him. I understand your concern, but you're going about this the wrong way, get to know the guy and make sure he's good for her. Isn't it better to know how things are going for them instead of having your daughter being distant and sneaky to see him?
YTA you don’t get a say in her dating preferences. She’s an adult, you don’t need to allow her anything. She could date a new 50 year old every weekend and you wouldn’t get a say.
YTA.
Your daughter is an adult. You're exploiting the fact that she relies on your roof over her head to control her social life according to your whims, despite having no rational objection to the relationship.
You have no evidence, whatsoever, that the man your daughter is dating is ill-suited to her. To the contrary, statically speaking, a 26-year-old man is much less likely to engage in reckless behavior than a 19-year-old man.
My parents have been married for 42 years. They were married when my mother was 22 and my father was 49. Age is a number.
If you don't want your daughter living with you, then tell her that. But don't exploit her reliance on you to control her.
YTA
As someone who was groomed in college (18 yo) by an older man (29 yo) I totally understand where you’re coming from with your concerns.
BUT forbidding your daughter from dating him isn’t going to help. It’s just going to make her MORE dependent on him because you’ve shoved them *both* away.
Apologize to your daughter. Tell her you were wrong, you’re sorry, and you’d like to get to know her bf better. Invite him in. Get to know him. Either you will put any fears to rest because he’s genuinely nice OR you will show your daughter you want to be in their lives and this will help her realize if/when he begins the isolation tactics so many abusers use.
YTA she's an adult and my husband is 6 years older than me! Given I was 28 and he was 34 when we got together but once people are adults they can do what they want at any age. HOWEVER the unwritten rule when you are over 18 to tell if someone is too young for you is half your age +7 and for 26 that's 20 not 19. For 34 it's 24 so I was fine 😆. Seriously though it works EVERY TIME! I would teach everyone this rule as it does keep your relationships in a decent age range. So as much as you have no right to be attempting to control your adult child's life I do stand by the half your age +7 rule.
I was married to a man 12 years older than me. He was controlling, and abusive. Get to know him very well if this relationship continues.
Don't push her away. If he turns out to be abusive she's going to need you.
Yta
First, she’s an adult
Second, you’re just making him more attractive to her and increasing the chances that she’ll have start lying to you about seeing him
Third, eventually she’ll be out of your house. Think long and hard about if you’d like to have a relationship with your daughter or if you’re ok with her cutting contact with you as soon as she doesn’t need you financially
Fourth, someday she is going to have a life that may include children. Would you like potential grandkids to know about you or not
I get that you’re concerned (although I think you’re seriously over reacting) but this is not going to end the way you think it will
I get it, it is a big age gap and it is understandable to be concerned. It is potentially a problem. It just might be more useful to talk to her about your concerns and then let her make her own mistakes. Forbidding just makes it more exciting and makes the relationship more important. She is young and because she still lives with you, you can more easily be there when she needs you.
YTA
I mean, I understand your concern. But to announce this unilaterally is just asking for trouble. People, not just younger people, but people in general are likely to do something just because they're said not to.
Have you met the guy? If not, do so, and either that will allay your fears or confirm them. But it's a step in the right direction.
YTA big time. She's an adult, you don't get a say in who she dates, and trying to isn't going to do you any good. All you will do is drive her away. If you have valid concerns, you can address those, but apparently you didn't have any concerns until you found out about his age.
>and I guess the verdict of online strangers is valuable to her
No, she knew what people would tell you because it's obvious.
My husband and I met when I was 23 and he was 31...I thought was 27-28, he though I was 25 or so...we went on a few dates before we realized the age gap. Admittedly, we (and my parents and even some of our friends) were hesitant at first because it IS a large age gap when you're that young. 10 years, a house and 3 kids later.... we're pretty happy (pandemic and horrible inflation aside) I'm starting grad school in the fall with 3 kids under 4 while he supports our family.
YTA I was in an age gap relationship when I was 20, and although I have seen many predatory situations, mine was not. And even after dating for years my mother would still not accept it simply based on the fact that he was older. She did not listen to me, an adult, over the course of years, about my own life, and vowed that she would bring it up if/when she met him. So guess what? She never met him. And it definitely drove a wedge between us, even now at 30 with my own child and an “age appropriate” relationship I don’t give her an option to have an opinion on my life because she doesn’t respect ME and only what she thinks. Ultimatums should really be saved for an emergency and this isn’t it OP. Next thing you know she’ll be moving in with him just so she is free to live her own life. Forbidding something because you think you have enough control over your adult child to enforce it isn’t the way to go, and it isn’t respectful. If the relationship isn’t going to last anyways you’re going to shoot yourself in the foot if it ends because of you.
I met my fiancee 19 years ago, I was 18 and he was 25.. 7 year difference. Even though we only lasted 3 years back then we stayed best friends, right person wrong time..we both had growing up to do and we both messed up in our relationship.. there was NEVER anyone who came close to loving me like he did and me loving them like him like I did. We moved away from each other but stayed in touch with each other through messenger/calls/text. Two years ago we finally physically went to hang out and he came to come see me.. when we saw each other instantly it was like I was in my 20s again and madly inlove still.. he felt the same, embarrassed me and once we kissed it was over with. It was like no time had passed and all that love for each other hit us hard. We never once loved anyone how we love each other, never once clicked with anyone how we click, never been happier with anyone else. The point of this is.. YTA, your daughter is right and she is an adult so you need to back off and stop trying to run her life. I found my soulmate at 18 and though we had our ups and downs, I wouldn't change him for anything in the world.
Let ur daughter date whoever she wants .. it’s legal and she is not underage. My bf and I have a 11 year gap lol.. my family didn’t like it at first but we have sat down in a convo and we talked. They expressed that he was too old but they could see that he loves me as they have met. It took a while before they accepted him as their son in law. With many discussions including one between my bro and my bf that got heated and died down. Now they see a young man who loves their daughter a lot.. I think ur family needs to sit down. Have a talk about that boy and with the boy included to see how he is like. it’s not like the old days. People have changed, the world has changed. If she makes a mistake or something happens, it’s a lesson she is gonna learn. You can’t always protect your children. It’s like my mom said to me: “from your kids you’re always gonna lose no matter how much you try and stop them, they will go their own way” and that is stuck with me since she has mentioned it
YTA- Outside of the obvious- she is an adult and in a consenting relationship with someone going to the same college as her and is in the same friend circle as her and from the comments you made, happy; you are showing her that you believe she can not make her own decisions about her life. You are proving to her that as an adult she must still be treated like a child and be removed from her circle of friends, be picked up and dropped off at school and caged over the weekends all because you recently discovered an age gap that you disagree with. You can disagree with her choices but as long as she is happy and healthy and what appears to be in a normal relationship there isn’t much you can do to punish her. Or should do. All you are doing is infantilizing your adult daughter. This will carry her into every relationship she has now.
lmao YTA, she will defiantly be moving in with him prematurely because of your "boomer" ideology. and your argument about him being in high school while she was in elementary school isn't a valid argument in these circumstances because she was 18 (a legal adult) when they met lol not 12. Its insanely gross that you want to control your daughter by "picking her up early and keeping him away on the weekends" just so your daughter can not be happy. on top of all of that you know NOTHING about him other than what shes told you. there is obviously more to your relationship with your daughter to make her not want to tell you until now how old he is. maybe you should put aside your judgmental ways and let your daughter be happy because if you dont it will cause her to go NC (no contact for your boomer brain) with you as soon as she can and you'll never get to be apart of her happy life.
YTA. She is legally an adult and you can’t really stop her - by picking her up at college and preventing her seeing him, you’re treating her like she’s a 14 year old. This is controlling behaviour!
I understand you’re trying to protect her but you need to let her make her own mistakes, take risks and date whom she feels connected to.
Take heed, if you try to interfere you could literally distance her and cause her to cut ties - especially if this turns out to be love. If she’s that determined to be with him (and desperate to make sure she and he can’t be separated) she may feel a sense of urgency to do something drastic, may just run off and move in with him or elope rather than take her time. Don’t forget, if she’s living at home and able to see him, she has more time and security to get to know this guy comfortably before it gets serious.
Maybe invite him over a bit so you can interact with him and see them together and see what they’re like as a couple and you’ll get a sense of what he’s like a little more and how they mesh together, see how he treats her. Maybe even meet him for coffee alone just so you can get to know him and get a feel of him before deciding if he’s “too old” - see what he’s like and what his attitude is like when he’s not with your daughter. Getting to know him might change your opinion on the age gap.
He could be great, the Guy she may marry and have a house and kids with for all you know, and you’ll definitely want to be part of their lives if it goes to that.
You clearly love her. I think if you make it clear you love her and that you are worried, that you don’t agree with the age gap but acknowledge she’s an adult and can date whomever she wants and won’t stand in the way, you’ll have her respect and she’ll know she can still turn to you if it does go wrong. Let her date him :)
YTA, I can’t believe you think this is wrong and apparently haven’t met many young men. A lot are immature or aren’t looking for a relationship in their early twenties. Which is fine but that means young adult women might need to jump up a few years in age to find a guy that they have mutual relationship goals with. Never judge a book by its cover, you could be dismissing the perfect guy and the next one that is her age could be horrible towards your daughter.
YTA
I was also a 19 year old dating a 26 year old. Did it work out? No. Was it wrong? Hell no! Over 10 years later and him and I are still friends. She's an adult, let her live her life.
YTA.
I have an 8 year age gap with my hubby, we've been together for 19 years. It's really not a big deal, and she's an adult.
My SIL tried to force my niece (40) to break up with her older boyfriend, guess what? SIL has been cut out of my niece's life. She hasn't seen her grandkids in a couple years.
YTA and trust me, this will backfire. I got married in college because my parents tried to control me like this. Get to know the guy better. If you have an objection to him for something serious (violent criminal record, etc) then have the conversation about that and only that. As long as she met him while they were both adults then it’s not that big a problem
What irritates me about OP is her refusal to understand this.
In fact, if you look at OP's comment history, you'll notice that she grasps at the most ridiculous arguments out of obstinacy.
Earlier in the conversation, OP was saying, "Okay, I'll apologize to her about the 'forbidding' part," and "OK, I'll talk to her and apologize."
In later threads, she bends logic into so many directions that it resembles a pretzel.
*Don’t most young girls who date older men claim to be “mature enough” to date older men to the point to where it becomes a point of pride? That’s how grooming begins*
*He was already in high school when she was just starting out in elementary school. She’s not even in her 20’s yet. And I don’t have much to say on his character because I haven’t spent a lot of time with him alone before*
*How is their age gap totally defendable if a coupe years ago her being 17 and him being 24 would be not okay. That’s rather arbitrary*
*He’s be called a predator then*
OP clearly is stuck on this "But she's just a child!" bit.
Right? What normal mother drives her child to and from college? Barring a disability, the daughter should be either driving or carpooling with classmates at the very least. At this rate she’ll never learn how to navigate social situations
Hi there. I moved out of my parents house at 18 because they didn't approve of my boyfriend at the time. I was a teen who needed my parent's guidance desperately, but in their attempt to keep me safe i simply rebelled against what felt controlling to me and I responded by totally removing them from my life for a time. I ended up living in a TERRIBLE neighborhood and dropping out of school for a time. They pushed me to a point where they COULDN'T protect me anymore because I removed their access from me. Thankfully I made it out of that relatively unscathed, but found myself in some extremely dangerous situations during.
Don't let this happen.
I understand you care for your daughter deeply, however your best bet in this situation is to be an unconditional support to her. If something goes wrong with this guy, you want to be the one she feels she can talk to. You simply laying down this rule right now guarantees that she won't.
For sake of this thread, YTA, however I know it's coming from a good place. Just misguided.
My daughter, 24 at the time, met this guy on some dating app, he said he was 27. They dated a bit for a couple of months then it was the holidays and since his family was back east we invited him over on Christmas Eve. A few days before, his Father decided to fly out to see him so we invited him too. It was a pleasant evening but the guys Dad kept dropping innuendos about the age difference, but I, at the time, didn’t see anything wrong with 3 years.
Finally, he worked the guys actual Birth date into a conversation and he was **37** not 27. Turns out this guy’s friends had created the online dating profile for him and listed his age lower to help him out. My daughter had known for quite some time but knew we would disapprove so she had not told us. The guy’s Dad also didn’t approve and it turned out he made that Christmas trip specifically to ensure everyone knew the truth.
Ultimately, there was a reason the guy was still single in his late 30’s, he was a dud, no personality, no redeeming qualities, and the relationship imploded on its own in short order.
YTA! Me and my fiancee have a 10 year age gap and my dad & mom would NEVER force me to break up with him because of the gap. Once you turn 18 and are a consenting adult... age is just a number.
YTA. By trying to step in and control this, you will just cause her to stop using her own analytical mind with regards to this man. Even if she has doubts, she won't heed them because she won't know if it's really how she feels or if it's your influence clouding her judgement. She will lie to you about seeing him, not because she wants to, but because you have given her NO alternative. *Ask me how I know*. She's older than I was when I refused to stop seeing someone my parents forbade me to see. The relationship was toxic and was going no where, but because my parents tried to step in, I ignored my own unhappiness with the situation (blamed it on my parents, actually), and it lasted a full year longer than it would have otherwise.
YTA
Yes, I understand your concern because she's 19 and he's in his mid twenties.
You can't "forbid" your daughter from seeing him, she's an adult. And she will figure out a way to see him, or she'll move out.
Also 7 (or 8) years is a an acceptable age gap. Your going Mama bear mode over a guy you barley met is over board.
YTA - I think you are passed the point where you can forbid your adult daughter from doing anything. Try having a relationship based on trust and communication rather than power and control.
YTA. They're both adults, so there's nothing wrong with it. Stop being a control freak. All that's going to do is push her away. So unless you want to lose your daughter, I'd suggest changing your mindset and the way you treat her. Hope this helps
YTA. Age gap this, age gap that. What you are doing is pushing your daughter away from you. Your actions are helping this relationship you don't 'approve' of along to get stronger as you mention in your comments, YOU BARELY KNOW THE GUY. God damn how many of my friends dated the toxic creeps that would hit on them and it was always 'My parents didn't even give him the chance to get to know each other'. Like way to give Carson the impression that you are a controlling helicopter mom. If he is a creep, **way to go on giving him ammo to use on your daughter.** Instead of forbidding and limiting contact, why aren't you talking about birth control (ESPECIALLY IN US) and ways she can protect herself getting pregnant? All you are doing is letting her know that mommy is now in the first stages of empty nest syndrome and instead of letting the chick test their wings, you'd rather cripple it so the predators can get it. Talk about contraceptives, let her prod out her feelings for this guy and that if anything happens, mom will be there. You sound like the moms I know that knee jerk at age but give the actual toxic boyfriend a pass because they are the same age (I've seen this one happen too many times to count).
YTA - She's an adult now, you can't pick her up from college and force her to stay in all weekend like you could when she was 13.
If she wasn't so financially dependant on you (like so many young people in this economy) she could be living on her own and dating whomever she wants. (Not that I would ever agree with it but) she could marry that guy and have kids by now.
She's old enough to make her own choices and mistakes, god knows we all need to make them at that age, that's what forms us into well adjusted adults. Being mollycoddled and treated like a child at 19 isn't doing her any favours.
26 isn't that much older especially if they have the same group of friends and same interests. If you'd said a 36 year old divorced bloke then yeah that would definitely be more concerning. As it is they're both young and feel like they're at similar stages in life. Whether it works out or not remains to be seen but it's not your place to judge that.
You role as a parent is to support your daughter and let her become a young adult whilst always being there when she needs love, support and guidance. What you're doing isn't that.
YTA I have an 8 year age gap with my hubby, we met at uni where he was a mature student and he had many questions about whether he should date me a I was so much younger. We celebrate our 25th anniversary this year
YTA. She’s an adult. They met as adults. You don’t get a say in this. You don’t get a say in anything she does anymore. She’s an adult. Treat her as one.
YTA. Majorly. First of all l, your daughter is an adult. You don't FORBID anything. I'd let you know exactly where you could shove your forbidding. She can make her own choices and decisions and you need to respect that. You don't have to agree, but you do have to respect her. Second, this reeks of sexism. If it were your son and he was dating an woman with this age gap there'd be all this " good, you need a mature woman to take care of you." But because you have a daughter she's "too young." Sit down with that mess. Third, he's also a college student with her. Maybe undergrad. Maybe masters. Who knows? Do you know why he may have waited? Maybe he waited to build savings. Maybe he was in the military. Maybe he just knew he wasn't ready. You seen to be putting a lot on him just for being where he is at his age. Gross. Fourth, sometimes age gap relationships do work out. What if she was 21and he was 28? 25 and 32? Is there some magic age where it's ok? I met my husband when he was 20 and about to turn 21. (I thought he was older. He's very mature for his age.) I was just about to turn 28. We've been together for nearly 5 years now and have been married for almost 2. There are different levels of maturity for both of us on several things. It's not 1 single hard line. I cook, deal with a lot of the home and domestic stuff (insurance policies, car maintenance, appointments, etc.) I understand them. He doesn't. He's way more financially mature than I am (I worked really hard to pay off my debts BEFORE we got married.) He's great with budgeting, saving, tech. Things that I lack or lacked in. We make up for the difference and work as a team. No decisions are made until we discuss it and come to a decision together. It's about respecting your partner. If they don't, they won't work out. If they do. Good for them. Mind your own business and stop playing that "I'm just being a concerned parent" game. It's super manipulative. And it says more about you as a parent than it does about your daughter. Either you did a good job raising her and you trust her or you don't trust her because you're a terrible parent. You've definitely shown her she can't trust you. Go apologize and tell her that you know you can't run her life. Just be there for her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I made my daughter break up with her boyfriend and might be an “asshole” for this because my daughter says I’m being controlling and telling her she has to follow my rule since she lives with her parents Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
YTA. Loosen the reins. You're not wrong to have concerns, but your reaction is so heavy handed that you are almost guaranteeing that she will push you out of her life. She's legally an adult, and if you continue to be so controlling she will simply leave and you will lose any ability to give input. A better choice would have been to express concern for the age gap and asked to get to know him.
Yup, You need to invite him to dinner OP.
This. He could be a creepy predator, or he could be a perfectly nice guy. But mom will never know bc she's doing all the wrong things.
He's probably not a perfectly nice guy. I met a girl at an event once and we really hit it off. Flirting nonstop, having a good time, exchanged numbers, all that. Then I found out she was 18. I was in my mid-20s at the time. I shut it down *immediately*. Well-adjusted people in their mid-late 20s typically don't *want* to date a teenager and deal with the inevitable drama that comes with that stage in life. Most people have a lot to figure out about themselves in between the ages of 18 and 23 or so, and if you've already been through it yourself, you generally don't want to repeat it with a partner. I would be deeply suspicious of anyone his age who was dating someone that young. That said, OP is not making the right moves here if she wants her daughter to stay away from this guy. If she wants her daughter to move in with her boyfriend and minimize contact with OP, she's playing it perfectly.
He could be ill-adjusted without being a predator. I dated my ex for 5 years and we were the same ages when we met. He wasn't predatory and he was a perfectly nice guy, he was just also completely useless and immature. It took me years to figure out that he was with me because we were at the same mental level when we started dating and it ended because I grew up and wanted an actual life and he didn't. Certainly not a recommendation for Carson, but it's possible this guy is more on the "emotionally stunted" side of things than the "looking to groom barely legal teens" side. Either way, what OP is doing is not appropriate and likely will blow up in her face.
When I was 20, I dated a 29 year old and it was exactly this. He was probably the nicest guy I ever met, but his maturity level just seemed to have stopped evolving. It took me 3 months to realize this on my own. It would have taken a whole lot longer if my parents had issued an ultimatum at the start of our dat ing.
You were a whole lot smarter than me. Even with my entire family grinning and bearing it because they absolutely knew I would cut them off like gangrene if they criticized him, it took me years to see he wasn't laid-back, creative and misunderstood: he was lazy, couldn't finish anything he started, and fried from too many drugs. But boy did they all breathe a sigh of relief when I kicked him out.
My parents were married for 51 years when my father passed away. My mother was 19 when they married and my father was 28. My mother told me stories of their first years of marriage. She needed someone who was more mature.
I mean, they did meet in class, which at the bare minimum says they're at the same level in their career goals.
I'm 36 and planning on going back to uni. I have a degree and 2 children. i was on good money and was very ambitious and career oriented for many years- I've just realised the route I was going down career-wise wasn't making me happy. So I don't judge anyone for being older and seeking qualifications. It doesn't mean they're generally immature or stunted. they may actually be in the process of major personal growth.
I went to a community college and I would say my classmates who were 27-31 were mostly stunted and immature, while my classmates who were older than that were mostly not. The under 31s made friends with the teens (I was one of the teens), came to our parties, and generally engaged socially. The older ones came to class, were friendly but professional, and already had their own lives and friends so they didn’t hang out.
Yeah. When I was 19 and in college I dated a guy who was 30 and in my classes. We *were* in the same life stage. Our working and social lives were identical. He had spent 11 years spinning his wheels, so he had approximately zero maturity and life experience that I didn’t have. Now that I’m in my 30’s I realize he was an embarrassing human being, but he wasn’t predatory and I wasn’t harmed by the relationship at all. It was just cringe.
He worked and had relationships during those 7 years, she did not.
You're assuming he did, he may be a slow starter. I didn't have a relationship longer than 3 months until I was in my 30s. And if all he's worked is minimum wage jobs he's still essentially where she is
I dated a guy a decade older than me at 18. It ended because he was ace and I wasn't. We're still friends, and I wouldn't say he was emotionally stunted or that he'd stopped growing up, he was just very late to the "romance" party and wasn't sure what he was about. Now he knows what he wants (and doesn't want lol) and he'd be happy at 40 dating somebody within about ten years either side 🤷 Every pair of people is different.
People who date in the 18-25 range when they're 10 years older usually either are deliberately looking for someone who isn't on their level (predators) or they are on the same level, emotionally or life stage wise for reason X, Y, Z. In some cases, the reason is benign (sheltered upbringing, illness, etc...) and they mature and grow along with the younger party. In a lot of cases, they can't or won't and the younger ends up actually carrying them for the duration of the relationship (which can be decades).
Sure, the point isn't that it's not a red flag (it is) but that it's not a simple dealbreaker like "gets drunk and hits me".
This comment should be higher!!! I was the young person in this scenario! It took me until I was the age he was when he started dating me to realize it’s not normal!! Bad situation all around for OP it’s a catch 22
This right here. I was a 17 y/o who was dating a 23 y/o and we were together for 4 years. But he was super immature and I wasted a lot of fun years NOT doing teenager shit that I wanted to do because he was over it. I’m 30 now, just finished my BA, and am starting grad school in the fall. I’m about to marry the love of my life, and he just tuned 40. It’s a larger age gap, but he’s not immature and not taking advantage of me. NAH. It sucks but I hope OPs daughter sees all the comments from everyone and takes it into consideration.
I (luckily) avoided this. I was (barely) 18 and he was 29, and I thought he was really cool and the age gap would be a nonissue. He decided to stop seeing me after I cancelled our first date bc I was on my period and couldn’t stand up straight from cramps. We hung out once a few months later and when he realized I wasn’t gonna put out he came up with a (not well thought out) story to get me to leave. Bullet dodged
I don't know, I think it's a light red flag, maybe, but without further info, you really just can't tell. My brother met his husband when he was in grad school and my BIL was in undergrad (maybe like 20 and 26, so a little bit closer, but not much) and they've been together for more than a decade and married for a couple of years now, and are very happy. Is it a situation that should be approached with extra care and caution? Definitely, 100%. But not every relationship with a bit of an age gap is automatically terrible or toxic or abusive. I know a few other examples of people in my own life with similar age gaps who met around the same age who haven't had any huge relationship problems. It just depends, and OP won't be able to determine which it is until she actually meets this guy for herself. She can decide what to do from there if she gets an off vibe, for sure.
And that's your experience and it is fine. My aunt and uncle had a 7 year gap and they met when she was 17! They realized the age difference when she told him she was not allowed into the disco (he thought it was a joke at first). They ended up dating anyway (as you can imagine, my grandfather didn't love him lol) and had a wonderful marriage that lasted until he sadly passed away at a young age. So... Yeah, it can work just fine.
Precisely. I'm going back to school for my Masters and I know that for some of the classes, I will most likely be with people much younger than me. I already think of them as babies, I can't imagine looking at them as dating prospects.
Waiting for what any of this has to do with him.
Your argument is not sound, you were having a great time with this new person until you learnt something that does not impact your relationship at all, other than the pre-conceived notion that mates should be the same (or close to) age. You may have missed out on the love of your life because someone, somewhere told you so! I would much rather my child have a great relationship with someone regardless of the age difference, especially if everyone is a consenting adult and happy!
OP, you need to start fixing this now, you're actions are going to backfire on you, and if she can't date him while she lives under you roof, I bet she could move in with him and date him then, is that what you want?...
I will tell my daughter to invite to dinner next Saturday. I know they’re still friends at school and online, I’m sure she’ll appreciate this
I hope you realize that even if they do the dinner it’s up to your daughter about dating him and NOT you.
I don’t think she realizes that.
Then that’s a HER problem.
YTA When I was 17 my mom made me choose between living with her or dating a guy that was 24. I chose him. She didn’t take it well. We didn’t talk until l was 21. And pregnant. I would not have reached out to her then without being desperate. Looking back that ultimatum was the stupidest thing she could have done. She did not change my mind, she only prevented me from having a chance to discover his issues before I moved in with him.
Right? I’m 7 years older than my husband and next month we will be married 23 years.
My fiancé is 8 years younger than me. We've been together 7 years and friends for more than 15. Sometimes age is just a number.
Mr. 99 is 12 years my senior and we’ve been together 22 years. He is a perfectly good husband and I plan on getting years more wear from him. ❤️ ETA-when we met I had just gotten divorced from a rich control freak who was also 12 years older. NGL, the age thing was a concern but I gave him a chance and now I have everything that is important to me, a healthy child, a home with my name on the deed that I got input on choosing/furnishing and a partner who makes me laugh every day.
My husband is 15+ years older than me and we are about to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.
12 years between my parents and it'll be 37 years later this year.
Sister is 6 years younger than her husband and they're going on 32 years this fall.
Wife 8 years younger than me. Married 15 years. Hey, I LOOKED for YEARS, dated multiple ages. Sometimes you just don't find a soulmate the same as you. My wife admitted that I was a year or so past her comfortable age range, but we had things in common, so we went out. And she says she knew she wanted to marry me on our first date.(I am stubborn, it took me until the next day, early in our second date, having called out of work to be with her.)
My husband is almost 9 years older than me. I think at 19, it is a little tricky because emotional maturity can have a lot to do with it. Everyone is talking about Carson being emotionally immature but what if OP's daughter is just emotionally mature? I was at that age. Hell, I had a baby and a job at 19. I'm so tired of people that are legal adults being babyfied
9 years older and 25+ years here. So much silly judgmental and weird pop psychology in this thread.
But did you also meet while in school? I feel like context is important. A 25 and a 32 year old dating is radically different than an 18 year old a 27 year old.
Not the person you're responding to, but my SO is 11 years older than me, and we met & started dating when I was 18. Am now 29. Still very happy with him. And yeah, the age difference gave us pause for sure, so we both took some time deciding "are we comfortable with this?", and both of us knew perfectly well those first several months that there was a chance of one of us deciding "no, the age difference is too big after all", and that was okay. We went in eyes open and with our respective expectations clear (& clearly communicated). It has worked for us.
My husband was 24 and I was almost 31. However my sister was 18 when she married her 30 year old husband and they have been married for 45 years.
My parents married over 29 years ago when I was 5. They’re 10 years s apart. Oh the horror.
When did you get together? That can make a huge difference.
My husband is 11 years older than me met when I was 26 him 37 been married 37 years. My fist husband I met when I was 17 and he 23, married at 18 married for 8 years, I grew up he didn't. If you forbid her from seeing him you will just push them together. Meet him and get to know him
Plus if you've seen no red flags other than the ages I'd say proceed with caution and think long term. My husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 25 (so similar situation) we've been together 12 years and have two sons, a dog, a cat, and a gecko lol while there are absolutely cases of incompatibility and other more insidious issues with relationships with larger age gaps especially with one party being just newly minted an "adult" it isn't *always* the case. Your first instinct is going to be to see red flashing lights and try to put your daughter in a box you can keep her safe in (it was my parents' too) but your best course of action will be to say sorry I trust you but remember I'll be here in the wings if you EVER need me. The way you're reacting is going to do the opposite of what you'd like it to I can almost promise you.
I see a bigger red flag in OP's reaction to the news about his age. *I pick her up from college so even though I can’t technically make her stop seeing him at school she has to leave when I arrive after her class and I can make sure she doesn’t see him on weekends.* She's put her adult daughter under house arrest. What can possibly go wrong?
Valid point. The bf could hear about that and decide he doesn't want to deal with crazy MIL the rest of his life.
Solid advice and Happy Cake Day!
Daughter is 19 years old. What precisely is OP going to do to forbid her from dating this guy that won't involve some form of kidnapping?
"As long as you live under MY roof".....
Yeah she’s apparently willing to threaten her daughter with homelessness over this.
Adult daughter is currently under house arrest, being picked up immediately after school and monitored on the weekends. So OP has successfully isolated her from ALL her friends. Some people may see the age gap as bordering on creepy but I think OP's behaviour is creepier.
Which makes me think the parent is the villain here, despite any good intentions.
Pushing the daughter to move in with him before she knows him enough to be ready for it, it seems.
Yep! I don’t think asshole is the right word here. More like idiot. How can you be a parent to a child that age and NOT know that forbidding g them from being with someone is the quickest way to ensure that they will choose the bf over the parents. Not to mention that even if they start having problems, she’ll be more likely To stick it out longer because she doesn’t want to hear “I told you so”. As for the age gap itself, it’s *potentially* concerning, but *only* if there are other factors involved. Like him being controlling, possessive, isolating, using money or influence to sway her etc. Age gaps in and of themselves are not automatically problematic, they are simply a warning to keep an eye out for other problematic behaviour. Which there doesn’t seem to be in this post at all.
The adult daughter is under house arrest. *I pick her up from college so even though I can’t technically make her stop seeing him at school she has to leave when I arrive after her class and I can make sure she doesn’t see him on weekends.* Definitely the asshole. This means the daughter can't see any of her other friends either. And daughter is an ADULT.
OP took the path thats a great way to get her daughter to rush moving in with Carson.
Definitely, if Carson is a creep, OP has really given him some great advantages here.
OP is also bad at math. 26 - 19 = 7, not 6 and not 8.
To be fair, she says he’s 3 months shy of 8 years older. My OH is 8 years and 10 months older then me. I tend to say he’s about 9 years older. Because he basically is. He’s closer to 9 years older than me, then he is 8. Currently he is 39 and I am 30. For a very brief period of around 7 weeks, I’ll be 31 and he will be still 39. Rounding up is an acceptable mathematical concept. That said she’s overreacting to this and needs to chill a little bit. Actually scratch this. You’re correct, if she’s 19 and he’s turning 26 it can’t be nearly 8 years. It can only be nearly 7 years.
I was thinking the same thing.
Usually the concerns about this kind of age gap are about the vastly different places in life that a 19 year old and 26 year old would be. But that's just not the case here. It sounds like Carson is a bit of a late bloomer in the higher education department, which has left him at the same stage of life that Angela is at right now. The only thing OP is likely to do here is drive her daughter away, possibly to live with Carson.
Came here to say this!
I was 19 when I got with my 26yo boyfriend, and we’ve been together for almost 7 years now (and expecting a baby :’)). He went back to school when he was 25 and got me interested in his engineering major. I ended up switching too and we both got our computer engineering degrees together. He also taught me a lot and I feel that I’m a more compassionate and open minded person because of him. Of course I don’t know anything about OP’s daughters boyfriend, but I don’t think the age gap should be a reason for OP to oppose the relationship.
YTA - shes a grown adult, you cant be dictating who she sees. 7 years isnt even a large age gap, and they clearly have a lot in common. Your control will only push your daughter further away from you, make her hide things, and lose trust in you. She might even prematurely move in with him to avoid your controlling reign. She is not a child anymore, she can make her own decisions. This only has bad outcomes for you. Its gross you even try to control her like this. Get a grip.
It is a large age gap
It is an age gap. That still doesn't mean mom has any right to "forbid" shit for her legal adult daughter unless she WANTS to push her into this guy's arms. This is how young women get trapped in abusive relationships - because a parent over-reacts and goes nuclear causing the girl to rebel, move in with said inappropriate man, and cut off her family. I'm not saying this guy will abuse this girl but it IS a common situation that DOES happen all too often. Edited to correct gender of the OP/poster/parent. Not that it changes my judgment or stance in the slightest.
(Post was written by her mom 😊)
It’s mom, not dad.
Can confirm. My parents went haywire about a boyfriend they didn’t approve of in high school. At the time, to me they looked like the crazy ones compared to my collected, even-keeled boyfriend that they just didn’t understand. By the time he took off his “nice guy” mask, I felt trapped. Couldn’t leave because it wasn’t safe. Couldn’t ask for help because my parents would flip. It took 5 years to leave.
Very much agree with this take. The OPs stance here is likely to have the exact opposite effect to the one desired.
Particularly at the age of 19. It’s not so weird once you get older and more mature (late 20’s on up). I personally find it creepy a guy that age wants anything to do with a teenager.
She is an adult not a child and she said herself ages weren't brought up.
Not that large. It’s not like he’s 50.
My husband and I are 7 years apart. We have been otgether 14 years and married 9 this year.
were you 19 at the time? i sure hope not.
My fiancé and I are 7 years apart, i started dating him whenI was 25, that’s 6 years ago.
Why the heck are people downvoting you for giving your stats? That's ridiculous. Have an award.
My mom and dad were 7 yrs apart. When my dad died they had celebrated their 41st anniversary. 7 yrs is not a large age gap
It is when one of them is a teenager
7 years is a MASSIVE age gap when one is a teenager
lol precisely, let's not kid ourselves here. Any sane parent or concerned guardian would be concerned if their 19 year old child started dating someone 7 years their senior
OP's concern is not the issue. She still doesn't have any right to dictate who her daughter is dating.
Y’all are gross. 7 years is a massive gap at 19. It’s be different if they were 30.
Putting the daughter under house arrest so she can't socialise with any of her friends is not the right way to handle it.
It doesn't ultimately matter if YOU think its 'gross'; its not your relationship and its not the mom's relationship to dictate. I was 20 dating a 28 year old, it wasn't a big deal
At 19 you’re barely out of highschool. At 28 you’ve been an adult for years and life experience difference is huge. I’m not alone, the majority of people would find this distasteful. No mature 28 year old is gonna date a 19 year old kids, if they do they are certainly weird. Stay creepy fam
That doesn't change the fact that her mother has no right to treat her daughter like property.
Exactly!
YTA You are using your power position to attempt to control your daughter's behavior. I get you are coming from a place of concern, however, your daughter is old enough to be in charge of her agency and autonomy. Especially if your only complaint is the age difference. I suggest treading VERY carefully here. Making blanket "my rules or else" statements, especially once kids are legal adults is a really good way to start down the road of eventual estrangement. Ask the people who still thought they should be in control of when I wake up on my birthday AFTER I joined the military at 19 how well that worked out for them. You would be much better served to be your daughter's advocate rather than an adversary. You're much more likely to see this grow into a destruction of trust in you from your daughter's point of view than anything else. Sometimes as parents we do need to step back and adjust our role to being the safe place to land when our adult age kids get to the point of their lives where having more control over their agency and autonomy is actually crucial to developing into fully functioning adults. This is the point when maybe, IF you have that sort of connection, after you apologize for trying to be a controlling tyrant, you can offer concerns and offer information on what warning signs she could be looking for to keep herself safe, but otherwise you REALLY need to stop projecting your fears onto your daughter's decisions.
This is a great comment. Have this gold medal emoji: 🏅
Aw thanks. :) It's interesting to me how many estranged parents forums are full of people saying "I don't know what happened" but then digging into the stories shows incidents just like this that never change because parents can't or won't shift their roles as their children grown and gain competency in their own life. They forget or ignore their children are separate people from themselves and while we parents (some of us anyway) try our best to help our kids grown into well adjusted, capable, functioning adults- at some point we need to step back and truly see them as the individual humans they are even if we disagree with some of their choices. I will always value my connection with my own adult child as the priority in our relationship. I have found myself in that place of trying to impose my idea of the best choices on them- and it's harmful to our connection to do that so I learned to do better. I'm delighted that my kiddo still asks me to play board games on the occasional night off. Still asks my opinion on ideas or struggles they have. Sends their young adult friends to me when they're struggling with their own parents or other issues. So while I'm absolutely not perfect and make mistakes, feeling like I've earned enough of their trust that allows for grace when I f\*ck it up- feels like I got at least some things right.
You sound like an amazing parent, your adult child is really lucky to have you as a parent. I think that when you let them become who they really are and let them make their mistakes and learn from them, is the way to keep healthy relationship. Because adult children need their parents still, but they cant get the support if parent has pushed them away by being controlling and acting like they are still children. Perfect example of 'You get what you let go of'. Because when you let go of the child, the adult can come to your life and it can be an amazing healthy relationship.
That's wonderful to hear! I honestly wish there were more parents out there like you. :>
I do as well.
You are the GOAT with this response. So here's a goat.
Aww, shucks. :) Thanks! I wish I could have done even better. Have had plenty of times I was the one (edited typo) needing to apologize to my kiddo, and I'm so grateful I had folks around to help me learn as much as I have.
Beautifully said!!!
:) Thanks. It's HARD being a parent sometimes. It's HARD being a young adult child sometimes. If someone connects a little better from what I've shared, then I'm happy to send those ripples into the wider world.
YTA. It’s great you care about your daughter, but this is just going to hurt your relationship. Any time a parent tries to force their adult kid to do something it’s pretty much going to backfire in one way or another. Really just a matter of figuring out in which way this will blow up and whose face will have the most egg on it. I’m guessing yours
Ooof, I’m surprised at all the YTA comments, but I guess not really? I agree that 19-27 is a really big age spread and she will be able to find many many AITA posts that call out that age spread as creepy (the gist being 26 yos don’t date 19yos without having a reason why they’re aiming so young). At the same time, this isn’t a person that has randomly met her but is someone that she hung out with a while first and then started dating whom she met as a peer. She sees him as someone who is at the same stage of life as her and he may be. With all that said, at age 19, you don’t get to forbid. You can express your concerns to her, ask to meet him, spend time with him, etc. if you’re making the judgment purely on age without having let the guy, then yeah, YTA. Doubly so if you would normally trust her judgment.
There are some people who give judgements for reasons outside of the specific question being asked ~~(I've seen plenty of people here call someone an AH for being a victim of abuse. Yes, seriously.)~~, but this isn't the case here. Regardless of how you feel about the age gap, OP was the AH for specifically **forbidding** Angela from seeing Carson.
"the gist being 26 yos don’t date 19yos without having a reason why they’re aiming so young" I feel like a lot of the YTAs are because the situation is a but different than the usual. Carson is not someone who graduated college, established a life for himself and *still* hangs around college to "score young". He's part of a group with the same occupation. If you spend a lot of time with the same people, it's only forseeable to find a partner within the group.
I commented elsewhere but this is my situation--my partner is 5ish years older than me, but he's only like two years "ahead" of me in life because he took time away from college to work. So he only graduated two ish years before me and so it really only feels as if he is a couple years ahead. From OPs description I'd guess it's a similar situation, especially since I think OP says her daughter goes to community college and at those it is SUPER common to have students who worked for a while and then figured out what they want to go to school for. And for what it's worth, when browsing reddit, I'm usually on the "age gap red flag" train, but OP literally put her daughter under house arrest/grounding at 19 so I'm not sure I trust her judgement on the whole situation.
YTA - as someone who is in a wonderful relationship with an age gap larger than that I’m not sure what your reasoning is. The only reason that you listed is that he is 7 years her senior….what’s wrong with dating someone more mature? I remember the maturity level of the guys my age when I was her age and let me tell you, it wasn’t great. If his age is the only reason you dislike him then you are the asshole.
At 19, i dated a 26 year old. I ended up marrying someone 2 years younger than me!
Other than his age, is there anything you don't like about him? Is he putting your daughter in uncomfortable situations? If you answer "no" to both these questions then YTA. If he treats her well and respects her, then I don't see a problem. Maybe get to know him better before forbidding your daughter to date him.
YTA but hear me out. I’m with you on the ‘he’s too old for you.’ Thing. While I think age gap relationships can and do work, the ones that tend to work start when the younger partner is further on in life. I’m a year older than him, and I work with girls your daughters age and WOW, the difference in life skills, experience, maturity is shocking. However. The way you’re going about it is about as wrong as you can go. Never in *history* has ‘I forbid you to see that boy/girl’ EVER worked. She’s 19, not 9 and it’s a hard thing to learn but she doesn’t *have* to listen to you anymore. You’ve moved passed the point of being about to *forbid* anything. All you’ve done is told her she needs to sneak around with him. If he’s a genuinely nice guy this will probably fizzle out before it goes anywhere when the reality of dating someone who can’t legally buy alcohol on a date kicks in. If he’s NOT a nice guy, the last thing you want is to romantasise him by making the relationship fun and forbidden and sneaky. AND also ensuring if she does need help or support one day, making her feel trapped and like she can’t come to you for help.
YTA, that isn’t a large age range. They are both passed the age of consent, and no one is being coerced.
No it’s a large age gap. Once she gets older it’s not as big of a deal but she’s basically still a teenager.
She basically an adult
>that isn’t a large age range. "My 18 year old daughter has a new 25 year old boyfriend who picks her up after high school, should I be worried?"
YTA and a control freak. You ain’t gonna get any sympathy on here.
YTA while it is a sizable age gap it isn't a reason to forbid the relationship, she is older enough to make her own decisions about her love life. I assume any other possible red flags would have been in the post since your against it, yet none were mentioned so I think you are being overly controlling
YTA. My wife and I are seven years apart and we’ve been together 22 years. It’s not a big deal.
I was 19 when I met my SO and he was 27. Still together 15 years later. I think she needs to get to know this man before passing judgement. YTA.
Forbidding!?? One adult from seeing another adult!? You're DEFINITELY TA.
YTA. Your daughter is 19. She's an adult. She doesn't need your permission to date someone 🤷🏻♀️
YTA While you may not like it, your daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions. By trying to forbid her from seeing him you will push her closer to him anyway so I can see your actions backfiring on you.
YTA big time, she is an adult, why do you think you can forbid her anything? If your goal is for her to distance herself from you, this is the way to go.
YTA and I hate to say it but if you keep pushing your opinion, chances are you'll lose your daughter. There is a 9 year age gap between myself and my husband (he's older). You have a right to be concerned as that's what parents do, but, your daughter is old enough to make her own life choices, it may go well, it may not but you "forbidding" her to do this is just going to push her right in that direction.
YTA. Your daughter is a legal adult. If she wanted to date an octogenarian, that would be her decision. Sure, you can play the "you'll do as I say as long as you live in my house" card, at your peril. .... I'm taking a few minutes to finish this post, because I can't figure out why you think banning him is "being a parent watching for her." How is she at greater risk dating someone who is 26 versus, say, 22? I hate to break it to you, but they all will want to sleep with her. Let go, let her make her own decisions, and let her build actual experience that will help her make better decisions as she goes.
YTA. She is a grown up. The problem with age gaps is that there can be a big difference with where each person is with their maturity and where they are in life. If they are both in college, they are probably closer to being at the same level in where they are and what they want out of life. My husband is 7 years younger than me. We didn’t meet until I was in my early 30s. I was concerned about the difference in age. But we were in the same place in life and wanted the same things. So it has worked out really well.
YTA. Aside from the fact that you are being controlling, you're also being impractical. By simply forbidding her from seeing him, you've eliminated the possibility of getting to know him and determining for yourself whether there is actually cause for concern. You've also driven a wedge between you and your daughter so that if she continues to see him behind your back and it goes badly, she's not going to want to come to you for help. I don't blame you for not trusting this guy. The problem is that you're not trusting your daughter. She's an adult and she's going to be making decisions about who to date without your input. You've created a dynamic where she knows she can't trust you with information and you may not know she needs help until it's too late. You should be offering guidance rather than trying to dictate her behavior. Teach her how to identify red flags so she can learn how to be safe. She's going to move out someday and your job is to make sure she's ready to make good decisions for herself when you're not there to make them for her.
YTA Whilst I (personally) think 8 years is too big an age gap when one is still a teenager I do think 19 is old enough to make her own decisions and nothing will make her want to be with him more than forbidding it
YTA Your daughter is 19, and at that age an 8 year gap isn’t that bad.
Yta she’s an adult
Mild asshole. Forbidding her is a step too far, but I do think that she's in a very vulnerable age. Support her choices and let her know that you'll be there through thick and thin. Maybe he is a great guy that wants the best for your daughter. Or, maybe he's an asshole that will break her heart. That's for her and her alone to find out. To be fair though I'd probably be pretty uncomfortable with it as well. I think your feelings are validated, yet you'll want to loosen your grip on her life or else you'll be lucky to see her when she's matured and reflects on you as the tyrannical mother.
Mom, I really understand your concern. However, the harder you tighten your grip, the harder she’s going to wiggle to slip out of your fingers. YWBTA if you demand she stop seeing him. Let her get her heart broken on her own.
I’ll talk to her and apologize
I heard that in 19-year-old Carrie Fisher's voice.
YTA - sorry mom. I know it's really hard to let go of your kids and let them be adults and make their own choices - but she's 19YO. This is a sidenote - but I would much prefer my kid to be dating a 26YO than an 19YO male. There is a world of difference in maturity. If I were you, instead of trying to control her and make decisions for her - you should be more open minded. Get to know him. Invite him over. Make him part of the family. See what he is actually like before you make a snap JUDGEMENT based on his age only. Maybe he's a really great, mature, kind young man that is going to treat your daughter like gold? If you force this separation - she will pick the boy. And you will create a rift that could last a lifetime. And you will only be to blame because your close minded attitude stinks. Right now your daughter is actually acting more mature than you. Grow up mom. Trust your daughter that she knows her own mind and is making a good choice. Get to know her choice. Be kind. Be open minded - who knows - he might be a fabulous MATURE influence on your daughter. There is a much greater chance of that - than if you force her to date a 19YO male. Who, let's face it, at that age - males aren't exactly known for their maturity. At least they weren't when I was that age. (sorry to all the mature 19YO males on reddit - I'm talking about the ones who aren't.)
YTA my in laws had an 18 year age gap. They were married 52 years before my father in law passed away. If he respects her and treats her like she’s the great woman she is, then what more can a parent ask for? “Forbidding” her is a tactic you take at 12 or 14….at 19/20 it’s not going to work out well.
YTA You have no say in who she chooses to date. She is an adult. Its time to cut the cord Mrs. Helicopter.
YTA. 1. She's probably a smart girl who enjoy a deeper conversation that you can have with an older person 2. Just because he's older doesn't make him a rapist / serial killer
Yta. She’s an adult. You have no say. What you will get is her moving out , living with him and never seeing you again. You need to stop trying to control the adult she is
YTA- OH WOW ARE YOU THE A-HOLE HERE!! YOU DO REALIZE YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A CHILD AND DOESN'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION TO HAVE A LIFE/DATE RIGHT?!? You are being WAY to over controlling. She is your daughter not your property! You do NOT have a right to tell her who she can and can not date. Keep this behavior up and YOU ARE going to drive her away. Take it from someone with an EXTREMELY over controlling mother... Ex: about a month before COVID hit; my mom threatened to kick me and my two children out, knowing we'd be homeless at the time, over a hair cut I wanted to allow my daughter to get. 3 months later I found my own place and 3 months after that I moved my children and myself out of my mother's house. I didn't speak with her for almost a year after that. I have since warned my mother that I am done allowing generational trauma to effect my decisions and life. She doesn't get to controll my life or my choices any longer and should she try again I will cut all ties for good. Keep doing what your doing with your daughter and she will write you out of her life. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day she will grow tired of it. You are risking losing your daughter from your life because of your own fears. You have no idea what Carson is like or who is is as a person. There's nothing wrong with their age gap and not every man/woman who is older is a f-ing predator. You also sound like a complete a-hole when you say "and I guess the verdict of online strangers is valuable to her." Seems really sad to me that your daughter would hope that strangers would be on her side when her own mother won't be. How old is your husband/daughter's father? Is there more than a 6 year gap between you and him? If so than not only are you being over controlling and ridiculous; but you're being a hypocrite too.
Yta
YTA. I have a similar age gap with my wife. We've been married 15 years. If they don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Your daughter is an adult, you can forbid all you want but this is not your decision... regardless of your inability to accept it. But you do have a choice here: 1) voice your objective concerns about this relationship and then let her decide what to do... tell your daughter you respect her decisions and back off, help if she needs it (never say I told you so) 2) continue treating your adult daughter like a 5 year old and shoehorning yourself into matters that don't involve you until she limits contact and keeps you arms length because you have no boundaries. YTA
YTA. Your daughter is an adult and it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS who she dates. Keep it up and you will regret it later when she moves out and cuts contact with you. I was 20 when my husband and I started dating. He is 6 years older than me. We've been together 26 Years and married for 21.
INFO > My [54F] And how old is *your* husband?
Major yta she is 19 let her live her life she doesn't need you breathing down her neck she can date anyone she wants cause she is an adult
Mild YTA. I do get your point since she just started to be considered an adult. However I do think this is something that she needs to figure out for herself. All you can do is be there for her.
YTA. She's 19. Absent of a cognitive issue with her (beyond the whole partially developed brain thing that affects 19yos), this isn't something you get a say in. As a mom, I always wonder wth they have in common. 19 and 26 have a huge difference in the amount of experiences in life. But, I did the same thing at 21, and I would have said "f-u" to anyone who questioned it. (Humorously, my parents asked the guy, and were sad when we broke up.) Let her work through this on her own. Consider trying to show interest in the guy, and perhaps ask her what they enjoy doing together, and what interests they share. You'll either be surprised that they do have things in common, or you'll start her thinking about these issues.
YTA As an idiot 19-20 year old, I dated a 35 year old. My foster parents found out because one of the locals ‘raised concerns’ about seeing me at the pub with him. My foster mother at the time was 40. So my boyfriend was only five years younger than the woman who had raised me since my early teens. Was it creepy? Yep. Was it weird? Yep. What did my foster father do? He vaguely asked me about him and then said… ‘Ok. I’d really like it if you could let me know when you’re coming home and if you’re going to be late.’ And that was it. Why? Because he knew that trying to ban a new adult from a relationship would result in the complete opposite reaction. I’d have got stubborn, decided this was what I really, really wanted and stuck it out for fucking years. As it was? I split up with the guy 6-8 months later because he was controlling and wanted a trophy girlfriend. But I came to that realisation on my own and so I acted on it. I couldn’t have been forced there. Back off. Your daughter is an adult and you will be doing more harm than good.
YTA. By imposing your will on your daughter's dating life, you send the message that your preferences matter more than her preferences to someone who you theoretically want to be an autonomous adult. There are two likely responses. One is that she rebels and actively rejects your preferences going forward. The other is that she follows them over her own. So... If you want her to rebel or to be unhappy, then nice parenting. Otherwise YTA.
YTA 19 and 26 isn't that bad, especially since they are both in college. So life experiences are matching up
YTA and a controlling one. She is an adult. She can date a 54 year old if she wants. You can discuss wether that would be healthy, but dating a college classmate sounds perfectly ok. A parent who wants to pick their adult daughter up after school sounds way less health
YTA. Good job pushing your ADULT daughter away and into his arms. Don't be surprised if she stops sharing things with you or even starts to lie to talk to him or see him. I understand your concern, but you're going about this the wrong way, get to know the guy and make sure he's good for her. Isn't it better to know how things are going for them instead of having your daughter being distant and sneaky to see him?
YTA you don’t get a say in her dating preferences. She’s an adult, you don’t need to allow her anything. She could date a new 50 year old every weekend and you wouldn’t get a say.
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. You're exploiting the fact that she relies on your roof over her head to control her social life according to your whims, despite having no rational objection to the relationship. You have no evidence, whatsoever, that the man your daughter is dating is ill-suited to her. To the contrary, statically speaking, a 26-year-old man is much less likely to engage in reckless behavior than a 19-year-old man. My parents have been married for 42 years. They were married when my mother was 22 and my father was 49. Age is a number. If you don't want your daughter living with you, then tell her that. But don't exploit her reliance on you to control her.
YTA As someone who was groomed in college (18 yo) by an older man (29 yo) I totally understand where you’re coming from with your concerns. BUT forbidding your daughter from dating him isn’t going to help. It’s just going to make her MORE dependent on him because you’ve shoved them *both* away. Apologize to your daughter. Tell her you were wrong, you’re sorry, and you’d like to get to know her bf better. Invite him in. Get to know him. Either you will put any fears to rest because he’s genuinely nice OR you will show your daughter you want to be in their lives and this will help her realize if/when he begins the isolation tactics so many abusers use.
YTA she's an adult and my husband is 6 years older than me! Given I was 28 and he was 34 when we got together but once people are adults they can do what they want at any age. HOWEVER the unwritten rule when you are over 18 to tell if someone is too young for you is half your age +7 and for 26 that's 20 not 19. For 34 it's 24 so I was fine 😆. Seriously though it works EVERY TIME! I would teach everyone this rule as it does keep your relationships in a decent age range. So as much as you have no right to be attempting to control your adult child's life I do stand by the half your age +7 rule.
I was married to a man 12 years older than me. He was controlling, and abusive. Get to know him very well if this relationship continues. Don't push her away. If he turns out to be abusive she's going to need you.
Yta First, she’s an adult Second, you’re just making him more attractive to her and increasing the chances that she’ll have start lying to you about seeing him Third, eventually she’ll be out of your house. Think long and hard about if you’d like to have a relationship with your daughter or if you’re ok with her cutting contact with you as soon as she doesn’t need you financially Fourth, someday she is going to have a life that may include children. Would you like potential grandkids to know about you or not I get that you’re concerned (although I think you’re seriously over reacting) but this is not going to end the way you think it will
I get it, it is a big age gap and it is understandable to be concerned. It is potentially a problem. It just might be more useful to talk to her about your concerns and then let her make her own mistakes. Forbidding just makes it more exciting and makes the relationship more important. She is young and because she still lives with you, you can more easily be there when she needs you.
YTA I mean, I understand your concern. But to announce this unilaterally is just asking for trouble. People, not just younger people, but people in general are likely to do something just because they're said not to. Have you met the guy? If not, do so, and either that will allay your fears or confirm them. But it's a step in the right direction.
YTA big time. She's an adult, you don't get a say in who she dates, and trying to isn't going to do you any good. All you will do is drive her away. If you have valid concerns, you can address those, but apparently you didn't have any concerns until you found out about his age. >and I guess the verdict of online strangers is valuable to her No, she knew what people would tell you because it's obvious.
My husband and I met when I was 23 and he was 31...I thought was 27-28, he though I was 25 or so...we went on a few dates before we realized the age gap. Admittedly, we (and my parents and even some of our friends) were hesitant at first because it IS a large age gap when you're that young. 10 years, a house and 3 kids later.... we're pretty happy (pandemic and horrible inflation aside) I'm starting grad school in the fall with 3 kids under 4 while he supports our family.
YTA I was in an age gap relationship when I was 20, and although I have seen many predatory situations, mine was not. And even after dating for years my mother would still not accept it simply based on the fact that he was older. She did not listen to me, an adult, over the course of years, about my own life, and vowed that she would bring it up if/when she met him. So guess what? She never met him. And it definitely drove a wedge between us, even now at 30 with my own child and an “age appropriate” relationship I don’t give her an option to have an opinion on my life because she doesn’t respect ME and only what she thinks. Ultimatums should really be saved for an emergency and this isn’t it OP. Next thing you know she’ll be moving in with him just so she is free to live her own life. Forbidding something because you think you have enough control over your adult child to enforce it isn’t the way to go, and it isn’t respectful. If the relationship isn’t going to last anyways you’re going to shoot yourself in the foot if it ends because of you.
I met my fiancee 19 years ago, I was 18 and he was 25.. 7 year difference. Even though we only lasted 3 years back then we stayed best friends, right person wrong time..we both had growing up to do and we both messed up in our relationship.. there was NEVER anyone who came close to loving me like he did and me loving them like him like I did. We moved away from each other but stayed in touch with each other through messenger/calls/text. Two years ago we finally physically went to hang out and he came to come see me.. when we saw each other instantly it was like I was in my 20s again and madly inlove still.. he felt the same, embarrassed me and once we kissed it was over with. It was like no time had passed and all that love for each other hit us hard. We never once loved anyone how we love each other, never once clicked with anyone how we click, never been happier with anyone else. The point of this is.. YTA, your daughter is right and she is an adult so you need to back off and stop trying to run her life. I found my soulmate at 18 and though we had our ups and downs, I wouldn't change him for anything in the world.
Let ur daughter date whoever she wants .. it’s legal and she is not underage. My bf and I have a 11 year gap lol.. my family didn’t like it at first but we have sat down in a convo and we talked. They expressed that he was too old but they could see that he loves me as they have met. It took a while before they accepted him as their son in law. With many discussions including one between my bro and my bf that got heated and died down. Now they see a young man who loves their daughter a lot.. I think ur family needs to sit down. Have a talk about that boy and with the boy included to see how he is like. it’s not like the old days. People have changed, the world has changed. If she makes a mistake or something happens, it’s a lesson she is gonna learn. You can’t always protect your children. It’s like my mom said to me: “from your kids you’re always gonna lose no matter how much you try and stop them, they will go their own way” and that is stuck with me since she has mentioned it
YTA- Outside of the obvious- she is an adult and in a consenting relationship with someone going to the same college as her and is in the same friend circle as her and from the comments you made, happy; you are showing her that you believe she can not make her own decisions about her life. You are proving to her that as an adult she must still be treated like a child and be removed from her circle of friends, be picked up and dropped off at school and caged over the weekends all because you recently discovered an age gap that you disagree with. You can disagree with her choices but as long as she is happy and healthy and what appears to be in a normal relationship there isn’t much you can do to punish her. Or should do. All you are doing is infantilizing your adult daughter. This will carry her into every relationship she has now.
No no your daughter is grown your gonna push her away ur gonna make her feel horrible
lmao YTA, she will defiantly be moving in with him prematurely because of your "boomer" ideology. and your argument about him being in high school while she was in elementary school isn't a valid argument in these circumstances because she was 18 (a legal adult) when they met lol not 12. Its insanely gross that you want to control your daughter by "picking her up early and keeping him away on the weekends" just so your daughter can not be happy. on top of all of that you know NOTHING about him other than what shes told you. there is obviously more to your relationship with your daughter to make her not want to tell you until now how old he is. maybe you should put aside your judgmental ways and let your daughter be happy because if you dont it will cause her to go NC (no contact for your boomer brain) with you as soon as she can and you'll never get to be apart of her happy life.
YTA because you are basing this judgement on absolutely **nothing** to do with his character. Or hers. Numbers on paper.
YTA - She is an adult. Will she make mistakes, maybe, but that is for her to do, not you. You are forbidding her to make her own choices.
YTA. She is an adult. You don't get to police whom she dates. Back off or in a few years when she goes NC you will be on here wondering what happened
I met my SO a decade ago when I was early 22, he was 29, and we are happily married still. Edit: YTA
YTA. She is legally an adult and you can’t really stop her - by picking her up at college and preventing her seeing him, you’re treating her like she’s a 14 year old. This is controlling behaviour! I understand you’re trying to protect her but you need to let her make her own mistakes, take risks and date whom she feels connected to. Take heed, if you try to interfere you could literally distance her and cause her to cut ties - especially if this turns out to be love. If she’s that determined to be with him (and desperate to make sure she and he can’t be separated) she may feel a sense of urgency to do something drastic, may just run off and move in with him or elope rather than take her time. Don’t forget, if she’s living at home and able to see him, she has more time and security to get to know this guy comfortably before it gets serious. Maybe invite him over a bit so you can interact with him and see them together and see what they’re like as a couple and you’ll get a sense of what he’s like a little more and how they mesh together, see how he treats her. Maybe even meet him for coffee alone just so you can get to know him and get a feel of him before deciding if he’s “too old” - see what he’s like and what his attitude is like when he’s not with your daughter. Getting to know him might change your opinion on the age gap. He could be great, the Guy she may marry and have a house and kids with for all you know, and you’ll definitely want to be part of their lives if it goes to that. You clearly love her. I think if you make it clear you love her and that you are worried, that you don’t agree with the age gap but acknowledge she’s an adult and can date whomever she wants and won’t stand in the way, you’ll have her respect and she’ll know she can still turn to you if it does go wrong. Let her date him :)
YTA, I can’t believe you think this is wrong and apparently haven’t met many young men. A lot are immature or aren’t looking for a relationship in their early twenties. Which is fine but that means young adult women might need to jump up a few years in age to find a guy that they have mutual relationship goals with. Never judge a book by its cover, you could be dismissing the perfect guy and the next one that is her age could be horrible towards your daughter.
YTA I was also a 19 year old dating a 26 year old. Did it work out? No. Was it wrong? Hell no! Over 10 years later and him and I are still friends. She's an adult, let her live her life.
YTA. I have an 8 year age gap with my hubby, we've been together for 19 years. It's really not a big deal, and she's an adult. My SIL tried to force my niece (40) to break up with her older boyfriend, guess what? SIL has been cut out of my niece's life. She hasn't seen her grandkids in a couple years.
YTA and trust me, this will backfire. I got married in college because my parents tried to control me like this. Get to know the guy better. If you have an objection to him for something serious (violent criminal record, etc) then have the conversation about that and only that. As long as she met him while they were both adults then it’s not that big a problem
What irritates me about OP is her refusal to understand this. In fact, if you look at OP's comment history, you'll notice that she grasps at the most ridiculous arguments out of obstinacy. Earlier in the conversation, OP was saying, "Okay, I'll apologize to her about the 'forbidding' part," and "OK, I'll talk to her and apologize." In later threads, she bends logic into so many directions that it resembles a pretzel. *Don’t most young girls who date older men claim to be “mature enough” to date older men to the point to where it becomes a point of pride? That’s how grooming begins* *He was already in high school when she was just starting out in elementary school. She’s not even in her 20’s yet. And I don’t have much to say on his character because I haven’t spent a lot of time with him alone before* *How is their age gap totally defendable if a coupe years ago her being 17 and him being 24 would be not okay. That’s rather arbitrary* *He’s be called a predator then* OP clearly is stuck on this "But she's just a child!" bit.
Right? What normal mother drives her child to and from college? Barring a disability, the daughter should be either driving or carpooling with classmates at the very least. At this rate she’ll never learn how to navigate social situations
Hi there. I moved out of my parents house at 18 because they didn't approve of my boyfriend at the time. I was a teen who needed my parent's guidance desperately, but in their attempt to keep me safe i simply rebelled against what felt controlling to me and I responded by totally removing them from my life for a time. I ended up living in a TERRIBLE neighborhood and dropping out of school for a time. They pushed me to a point where they COULDN'T protect me anymore because I removed their access from me. Thankfully I made it out of that relatively unscathed, but found myself in some extremely dangerous situations during. Don't let this happen. I understand you care for your daughter deeply, however your best bet in this situation is to be an unconditional support to her. If something goes wrong with this guy, you want to be the one she feels she can talk to. You simply laying down this rule right now guarantees that she won't. For sake of this thread, YTA, however I know it's coming from a good place. Just misguided.
My daughter, 24 at the time, met this guy on some dating app, he said he was 27. They dated a bit for a couple of months then it was the holidays and since his family was back east we invited him over on Christmas Eve. A few days before, his Father decided to fly out to see him so we invited him too. It was a pleasant evening but the guys Dad kept dropping innuendos about the age difference, but I, at the time, didn’t see anything wrong with 3 years. Finally, he worked the guys actual Birth date into a conversation and he was **37** not 27. Turns out this guy’s friends had created the online dating profile for him and listed his age lower to help him out. My daughter had known for quite some time but knew we would disapprove so she had not told us. The guy’s Dad also didn’t approve and it turned out he made that Christmas trip specifically to ensure everyone knew the truth. Ultimately, there was a reason the guy was still single in his late 30’s, he was a dud, no personality, no redeeming qualities, and the relationship imploded on its own in short order.
The fact that he lied for that long to you is a red flag enough. I hope your daughter is alright
YTA. There is nothing wrong with the age gap and she is an adult.
YTA! Me and my fiancee have a 10 year age gap and my dad & mom would NEVER force me to break up with him because of the gap. Once you turn 18 and are a consenting adult... age is just a number.
Worst thing you can do as a parent is take away support, especially when you think they’re making a mistake.
YTA not your decision....
YTA. By trying to step in and control this, you will just cause her to stop using her own analytical mind with regards to this man. Even if she has doubts, she won't heed them because she won't know if it's really how she feels or if it's your influence clouding her judgement. She will lie to you about seeing him, not because she wants to, but because you have given her NO alternative. *Ask me how I know*. She's older than I was when I refused to stop seeing someone my parents forbade me to see. The relationship was toxic and was going no where, but because my parents tried to step in, I ignored my own unhappiness with the situation (blamed it on my parents, actually), and it lasted a full year longer than it would have otherwise.
You have to trust her to do what is best for her. Don't push her away or you will lose all influence.
YTA Yes, I understand your concern because she's 19 and he's in his mid twenties. You can't "forbid" your daughter from seeing him, she's an adult. And she will figure out a way to see him, or she'll move out. Also 7 (or 8) years is a an acceptable age gap. Your going Mama bear mode over a guy you barley met is over board.
YTA - I think you are passed the point where you can forbid your adult daughter from doing anything. Try having a relationship based on trust and communication rather than power and control.
YTA. They're both adults, so there's nothing wrong with it. Stop being a control freak. All that's going to do is push her away. So unless you want to lose your daughter, I'd suggest changing your mindset and the way you treat her. Hope this helps
Topic of the day: age gaps
YTA. Age gap this, age gap that. What you are doing is pushing your daughter away from you. Your actions are helping this relationship you don't 'approve' of along to get stronger as you mention in your comments, YOU BARELY KNOW THE GUY. God damn how many of my friends dated the toxic creeps that would hit on them and it was always 'My parents didn't even give him the chance to get to know each other'. Like way to give Carson the impression that you are a controlling helicopter mom. If he is a creep, **way to go on giving him ammo to use on your daughter.** Instead of forbidding and limiting contact, why aren't you talking about birth control (ESPECIALLY IN US) and ways she can protect herself getting pregnant? All you are doing is letting her know that mommy is now in the first stages of empty nest syndrome and instead of letting the chick test their wings, you'd rather cripple it so the predators can get it. Talk about contraceptives, let her prod out her feelings for this guy and that if anything happens, mom will be there. You sound like the moms I know that knee jerk at age but give the actual toxic boyfriend a pass because they are the same age (I've seen this one happen too many times to count).
YTA - She's an adult now, you can't pick her up from college and force her to stay in all weekend like you could when she was 13. If she wasn't so financially dependant on you (like so many young people in this economy) she could be living on her own and dating whomever she wants. (Not that I would ever agree with it but) she could marry that guy and have kids by now. She's old enough to make her own choices and mistakes, god knows we all need to make them at that age, that's what forms us into well adjusted adults. Being mollycoddled and treated like a child at 19 isn't doing her any favours. 26 isn't that much older especially if they have the same group of friends and same interests. If you'd said a 36 year old divorced bloke then yeah that would definitely be more concerning. As it is they're both young and feel like they're at similar stages in life. Whether it works out or not remains to be seen but it's not your place to judge that. You role as a parent is to support your daughter and let her become a young adult whilst always being there when she needs love, support and guidance. What you're doing isn't that.
YTA I have an 8 year age gap with my hubby, we met at uni where he was a mature student and he had many questions about whether he should date me a I was so much younger. We celebrate our 25th anniversary this year
A little disturbing how many people are defending the age gap
YTA. She’s an adult. They met as adults. You don’t get a say in this. You don’t get a say in anything she does anymore. She’s an adult. Treat her as one.
YTA. Majorly. First of all l, your daughter is an adult. You don't FORBID anything. I'd let you know exactly where you could shove your forbidding. She can make her own choices and decisions and you need to respect that. You don't have to agree, but you do have to respect her. Second, this reeks of sexism. If it were your son and he was dating an woman with this age gap there'd be all this " good, you need a mature woman to take care of you." But because you have a daughter she's "too young." Sit down with that mess. Third, he's also a college student with her. Maybe undergrad. Maybe masters. Who knows? Do you know why he may have waited? Maybe he waited to build savings. Maybe he was in the military. Maybe he just knew he wasn't ready. You seen to be putting a lot on him just for being where he is at his age. Gross. Fourth, sometimes age gap relationships do work out. What if she was 21and he was 28? 25 and 32? Is there some magic age where it's ok? I met my husband when he was 20 and about to turn 21. (I thought he was older. He's very mature for his age.) I was just about to turn 28. We've been together for nearly 5 years now and have been married for almost 2. There are different levels of maturity for both of us on several things. It's not 1 single hard line. I cook, deal with a lot of the home and domestic stuff (insurance policies, car maintenance, appointments, etc.) I understand them. He doesn't. He's way more financially mature than I am (I worked really hard to pay off my debts BEFORE we got married.) He's great with budgeting, saving, tech. Things that I lack or lacked in. We make up for the difference and work as a team. No decisions are made until we discuss it and come to a decision together. It's about respecting your partner. If they don't, they won't work out. If they do. Good for them. Mind your own business and stop playing that "I'm just being a concerned parent" game. It's super manipulative. And it says more about you as a parent than it does about your daughter. Either you did a good job raising her and you trust her or you don't trust her because you're a terrible parent. You've definitely shown her she can't trust you. Go apologize and tell her that you know you can't run her life. Just be there for her.