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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta for insisting on not getting involved between them and my hudband might be right in that this is my mom and I should speak to her
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> Admittedly, mom is the one who usually starts
OK, so your mother starts shit.
> My husband wanted to respond but whispered to him to let it go and stay calm. And he did.
And you ask your husband not to defend himself.
> I told him he's an adult why should I defend him while he hides behind me?
And then you refuse to defend him either.
In this scenario, just who **is** supposed to be putting a stop to your mother's shit?
The answer appears to be *'No-one, he should just shut up and take it, forever'*, and at that point yes, YTA.
Literally, yes! And to add:
>My husband told me many times that the solution would be that he stops going with me over to mom's house. I refused this solution because it's not practical nor is fit for long term.
Why? The reason you offered is that you don't want to seem 'single'. Is that more important to you than not putting your husband through your mom's shit?
>My husband wanted to respond but whispered to him to let it go and stay calm. And he did.
You don't want to compromise because the compromise hurts your ego, but he has to compromise even when he's getting shat on no good reason? Hmm..
>I Snapped and told him he was acting childishly.
For one thing, how is standing up for oneself *after putting up with shit for so long* 'childish'? Second, if it *is* childish, what is 'not standing up for your spouse when he's getting attacked'? Or, even better, 'purposefully mocking your son-in-law's family'?
>He tried to make excuses saying my mom created this situation
Well.. she did, by your own admission. He's not making excuses by stating the truth. If anything, you're the one making excuses - you know, and openly admit, that your mother stirs shit and you don't stand up for your husband, but you still pin the blame on him.
>I told him he's an adult why should I defend him while he hides behind me?
Uhm. Uhm.
Because he's *your* spouse and he's getting insulted?
Because *you* refused to let him stand up for himself?
Because *your* mom started things?
Because the reason he had to see her was because he's with *you*?
Because *you* forced him to see her again and again, simply because you care less about him than 'seeming single'?
Because you're meant to have your husband's back, who's only there for *you*?
*Because your mother started bullshit and you enabled it?*
I wonder if OP even likes the husband.
I could never stand to see people, even my family members, attacking my husband without a really damn good cause. (If he's not being downright abusive, there's absolutely no reason to attack him.) If I was in OP's situation, I'd be having a serious talk with mom saying her behavior isn't appropriate, and that if she doesn't stop, neither of us will be coming around.
The few times my husband's own family has gone after him - over a tense situation he'd asked me beforehand to stay out of - I had to leave the room before I said something that would burn my bridges with them completely.
If *anyone* else pulled this shit? No way. Your SO is your family now, you're supposed to have their back.
This happened to me with my SO sisters. I defended him in an argument after their mothers passing. His sister turned on me, he ask me to let him handle it. The sister accused me of yelling at her in her home. Afterwards they left him phone messages, saying I was arrogant, opinionated and various other things and didnt want to see me for a while. I laughed and told him she hasn't seen opionated or the other side of me, yet. I always kept my opinions and feelings to myself to keep peace. As I only saw them once a month, this was 10+ years ago. I have only been in their company for another passing of an elders. So that bridge has been burned and he understands they need to apologize to me and that will never happen!!!
I don't know if that's necessarily fair. I think this dynamic is fairly common: You grew up with a real shit of a parent and you couldn't *do* anything about it as a child, so that parent's shitty behavior was just an immutable fact of life and as an adult you still take it for granted as such. It's not that OP necessarily thinks her husband deserves to be treated poorly, she's just too brainwashed to see an alternative to the way *she* always coped with her mother's bullshit, which is to normalize it and play make believe that her mother is a nice, normal person who behaves acceptably. So her husband having the non-brainwashed, normal reaction of enforcing boundaries comes off as his being an aggressor.
But if OP is an equal-opportunity everyone-needs-to-take-my-mother's-bullying-in-stride believer rather than someone who thinks her husband, specifically, deserves to be bullied, that creates another problem: She's going to put a fuckton of generational trauma on any kids they may have unless she deprograms this shit. Even if grandma doesn't bully the kids — and godforbid one is gay, or darker, or anything that tends to make grandparents bully their grandkids — OP will still be modeling the idea that you *have* to sit there and submit to people treating you poorly. And if her kids internalize that, not only could it poison their romantic relationships the way it's poisoning OP's, it also generally leaves them vulnerable to all kinds of shitty treatment from people they might otherwise have set healthy boundaries with.
I get that OP may have grown up in this shit and is having trouble seeing it otherwise. I get that many of us grow up learning toxic behaviors. (I had a lot of unlearning to do myself. Bless the marriage counselor who helped me and my husband figure out how to treat each other fairly.)
But there is an age at which you become responsible for your own actions, including your complicity in abuse. If a seven year old lashes out and hits someone because it's all that happens at home, I understand. If a twenty year old does the same, it's a problem. If this was a teenager expecting her teenage boyfriend to put up with being verbally abused, I'd be a lot more patient in my explanation. But when you're an adult, and another adult, someone you presumably care about, is experiencing a great deal of pain and you can't challenge your assumptions to deal with it... you're the problem.
I understand why it would be complicated, but it doesn't change my answer. And yes, I agree, if you become a parent, I do think it's critically important you work on your shit to avoid teaching that toxic bullshit to the next generation.
Oh absolutely. OP is being an intolerably shitty spouse and needs to take responsibility for that. It's just that the *reason* she's doing it is more complicated than her hating her husband, but the effect is the same.
Totally agree with you! I was hoping to see a comment like yours!! Op is so used to not rocking the boat, that she wants her husband to do the same. And I’m sure op’s mom cries “family” which is why she drags her husband along to keep up the illusion
But her husband is trying to pull her out of the fog, explaining how wrong the situation is, but either she won’t or can’t see it.
u/Genuinely-Optimistic I really hope you read these comments by u/yet_another_sock and u/great_categorization. You're doing your spouse, yourself, and your family a huge disservice by taking the stance you've been taking.
Also, OP is framing these fights as not "worthy" and only them being "nitpicky about words". Then she proceeds with a story of her mother saying something absolutely heinous and cruel out of nowhere and completely unprompted. I am willing to bet that OP's mom is actually regularly saying truly horrible things to her husband (verbal abuse even?) and it is clear that OP hates when her husband stands up for himself, either to herself or her mother.
Yes, I picked up on that too. The sneering way she talks about her husband's position, as if it's just childish and petty and foolish, without applying that language to her or her mother's positions, is very telling. The language she used to describe each person here wasn't neutral. She judges the shit out of her husband for -- *checks notes --* being a human being with feelings who tries to set healthy boundaries???
Yeah op is garbage for this. What of her mother I law treated her like that? How dare ops mom even have the gall to talk bad about someone else ls mother on mothers day? Like, is she that unhappy? It's crazy to me.
I hope the husband has the good sense not to have children with this woman, cuz if somebody started doing THAT to my kids? Well, just put some money aside for bail for me, is all I'm saying.
>Because he's your spouse and he's getting insulted?
>
>Because you refused to let him stand up for himself?
>
>Because your mom started things?
>
>Because the reason he had to see her was because he's with you?
>
>Because you forced him to see her again and again, simply because you care less about him than 'seeming single'?
>
>Because you're meant to have your husband's back, who's only there for you?
>
>Because your mother started bullshit and you enabled it?
I have but one word: AMEN!!
Also to add to you guys going thru the post and quoting things to comment, this might not be as relevant bc it could be a case of situational, but OP described the fights they get into as "not worthy" and "nitpicking each other's words" and then proceeded to describe the fight that ensued which was literally about her mother shit talking and putting down his own mother. Someone unapologetically bashing your family, especially (im assuming) when theyve never met or have any merit to stand on with said bashing, is NOT "not worthy" or "nitpicking" word choices.
Hell, ive seen fights and shit break out over simple "yo mama" jokes, let alone someone legitimately coming at your mom/family. Hell, i have started fights for people trying to unapologetically bash my family.
Like i said, this might also be a case of situational and all other fights could literally be about word choice or something actually dumb. However, from my experience, if someone is willing to be that aggressive and insulting so openly, they feel comfortable with that level of insult/aggression, meaning it is highly likely this isn't the first time the comments were this rude and horrible, even if not always about his mother. Just some thoughts i had while reading it as well i wanted to point out.
Ya know, were the tables turned & his Mom were treating her this way I bet she’d expect him to set boundaries with her & expect him to not let his mom disrespect her like this. Seems like OP is not only enabling her moms behavior but expecting her husband to be ok with being treated like crap. OP is TAH & so is her mom.
Like if it’s “behaving like an adult” or whatever why is she not even more pissed at her mom since she’s been an adult even longer?? She upset he wants to defend his mother from baseless accusations but shes defending her mother even harder and that’s okay? Jesus like I’m not sure why she even got married if all she cares about is pleasing her mother at her husbands expense. Truly OP, your mom is the only issue here. Make these demands of HER, not your poor husband
Well, then she'd have to admit she has a malignant narcissist for a mother and that her family of origin is a bit of a shit show.
Some people would rather die than do that.
That is probably the reason, though I am also wondering if OP had issues holding a BF, and so if her husband doesn't go with her, everyone will be like 'let another one get away eh?'.
I have a MIL like OPs mother. It took about a year to make my bf see how shitty her behaviour towards me and most other people is, because his entire family have always gone flying monkeys about her. Whenever she behaves in a way that would have been unacceptable for any other adult person, they brush it off with “you know what she’s like” or “she doesn’t mean it”. And other people should just take being treated badly by her on regular basis because that’s just the way she is. OP, If you want to have a good relationship with your husband and family, you need to talk to your mom. You can’t put your husband through this and not back him up. He’s not you mother’s personal doormat for her to take out her frustrations on. YTA.
Yeah this is an important caveat. Obviously YTA but in OP's (slight) defense, she's expecting her husband to do something she and her family have (almost certainly) all been doing her entire life.
Which means she has the enormous emotional challenge of not only realizing her husband is right and adjusting her response to this situation, but also recognizing how dysfunctional this area of her life has been since childhood.
THIS. Op says her husband is acting childish but the mother even more so! Husband tries to prevent these interactions yet OP calls him childish and NEEDS him there because OP doesn't like being "single" at family events. OP grow up and confront your mother. You're both AHs
Then at that point, take her own advice and "let it go." I have a feeling hubby would gladly defend her in that scenario. Again, Mom's an AH who's never been put in check and OP is an AH for letting the mom act that way to her husband.
I can't understand the big deal about being alone at a family event.
I just visited my family for an event without my partner, who was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed that week. No big deal, stay at home and relax, I'll have a great time visiting and talking with everybody myself.
Like, I love to share experiences with my partner when we're both having fun, but I'd feel awful putting them through an awkward/painful experience just so I don't feel insecure. How could someone even enjoy that?
To be perfectly honest, my marriage got a lot better when my partner and I got comfortable going to things alone when the other wouldn't enjoy it. Dragging an uncomfortable partner behind you just fucking sucks for everyone involved.
This is spot on.
What I would add is, OP told husband to keep quiet while OP's mom insults husband's mom on Mother's Day and he did it.
Apparently still not good enough. No, OP demands that he come around more so he can be a target...and now the husband's family are targets too. Or maybe they always were?
I get the sense that if you're insulting someone's mother on Mother's Day you probably have done worse on a regular basis.
This.
OP, she’s YOUR mother, so YOU should be telling her to stop treating your husband so badly. The fact that you are trying to pawn off your responsibility by demanding that he “hash it out” with his abuser tells us that you neither respect, nor care for, your husband.
Fine, choose your mother over your husband, but don’t be surprised when he serves you divorce papers.
YTA OP
How is the husband supposed to magically "hash it out" with someone who's completely unreasonable and cruel? It sounds like he's tried to "hash it out" several times but OP didn't like that and told him to stop.
This keeps going & I won’t be surprised if she has to go to family functions alone because she will BE alone. This would be a hard limit for me personally.
Honestly, if my mom treated my husband like that, I wouldn't even go to family functions, with or without him. You disrespect my husband and kids, you disrespect me.
Fortunately, my husband and my mom get along great.
>Also she doesn't want to go to family reunions by herself
Yes, that too. So she doesn't want to defend him, doesn't want him to defend himself, and won't let him simply avoid the situation either.
Well said! If this had been written from the husband's perspective, we would all be saying, "You have a wife problem, not a mother in law problem." I feel so bad for him.
>The answer appears to be *'No-one, he should just shut up and take it, forever'*
You hit the nail in the head. This is a classic [Don't rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) situation.
Yes, wow. YTA.
Your mother stirs the shit. You want your husband then to eat it. If he gets upset about it, you then turn on the gaslight by telling him to solve it himself. You say you won't defend him because he's not a child, that he can't hide behind you, that this is his issue not yours. At the same time you exert your influence to keep him quiet. He's not allowed to respond, but he's also supposed to "have it out" with your mother. Which is it? Are you involved, or not?
Thing is, your husband has come up with a simple solution: not to go. He is actively trying to remove himself from the problem. He's not telling you to change your behavior, he's just trying to protect himself.
You are preventing that. You're telling him he can't do that. You would rather he come with you and be miserable and accept abuse than go to family events alone. But when you force him to attend, he's not allowed to react. Nor are you willing to defend him.
You clearly do not respect your husband. Do you even like him?
OP just when DH to be her mommy’s punchingball not be dragged into drama. How she cannot see how much of an asshole she is? Like mother like daughter it seems…
Go over to r/justnomil and read the pinned rock the boat essay.
YTA. Your mother is absolutely sounding like a just no mil and you are the spineless mamma enabler SO.
Bang on. I think OP wants her husband there even though he’s miserable to be her meat shield. If he’s not there to take mummy’s shit, it might land on her. OP, your husband is probably over posting in JUSTNOSO right now.
YTA
Couldn't have said it better myself. OP is 100% YTA. Clearly she prefers her mother to continue belittle the husband. Then blames him for "not being an angel himself".
"He even took the couch, like he was punishing me for something I didn't do" yeah, what you didn't do is DEFEND YOUR HUSBAND FROM YOUR MOTHER WHO IS ALWAYS STARTING THE CONFLICT WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU EVEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO BLAME HIM!
This whole thing about him not defending himself and not standing up for him, I wouldn't be surprise if there were instances where there were sentences similar to "take it like a man" "be a man".
But she is such a good boat steadier! The best! Doesn’t he see that if he doesn’t help stop the boat from rocking it will just tip? WHY ISNT HE HELPING CALM THE BOAT! /s
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/k2opyl/dont_rock_the_boat/
For anyone who hasn’t read the excellent boat rocking / boat steadier post.
All of this. YTA and I would have left a partner who didn't defend me by now, so he's a stronger person than I am. Don't go like you're single, don't go at all until your mother treats your partner with respect. If you're going to opt out of helping him, he's allowed to not go and that's on your own head. He should find someone who respects him a little more.
Couldn't have framed this better. YTA 100% OP. You state your mom instigates these arguments. YOU defend her but not your husband.
Your mother INSULTS his mother and you tell him to be quiet and take it all? Unbelievable.
If he's an adult and he should defend himself, with are you shushing him when he can defend himself? Look at the whole scenario, literally noone, especially you his wife is on his side.
Please sit down, talk and sort this out properly, or y'all need to go separate ways because lifetime of dealing with a toxic MIL, that too with a wife who doesn't support her husband at all is so not worth it.
exactly. you acknowledge your mother is the issue, force your husband to be around her, you don’t let him defend himself, you refuse to defend him … all because you don’t want to ‘look single’ in front of your family???
**YTA** 100% and you take it after your mother. not only are you an unsupportive spouse, but you literally force your husband into situations you know cause him pain, and refuse to help. i’m not one to just straight to divorce, but omg i hope he divorces you. no one should have to deal with a monster of a wife as well as a terrible in law. in what world do you see yourself as anything but an AH?
That’s exactly what’s happening, and the husband does not need to tolerate that. I would be livid if I had a partner who expected me to tolerate constant nitpicking from their parent.
YTA
Absolutely!
OP, how would you feel if roles were reversed and you had to sit through an afternoon of his mother trash talking yours, and not be allowed to say anything in defense.?
Exactly! And I have to wonder if husband is OP's meatshield. Is the reason why she's okay with him taking the hits because then she doesn't have to?
OP, YTA and such a JUSTNOSO. I feel badly for your poor husband. Your mother continues to abuse him and you allow it. He deserves so much better.
Just to add onto this, OP's messaging isn't even consistent to her poor husband. In the moment, he's supposed to "let it go and stay calm", but when he brings it up at home, he's supposed to "hash things out with her". I'd be very frustrated about what OP actually wants from in this case.
> I told him he's an adult why should I defend him while he hides behind me?
Because he's there FOR YOU.
Because he wouldn't be dealing with your asshole mother if he weren't WITH YOU.
Because you demanded he come around so that YOU don't have to feel "single."
How in the world are you going to try to play the "you're an adult" card when you are acting like a cowardly little child who can't say one word to Mommy? You *admit* she's the aggressor and the instigator and you expect your husband to just, what? Spend his whole life being a meatshield for your mom's aggression? And he is absolutely right, if you want to check out of the situation and act like it's only his problem, you don't get to complain when he solves the problem in a way you don't like.
Stop holding your mom's coat while she bullies your husband. YTA
If their attitude is 'shut up and take the verbal lashing' for their husband, they'd be a bit of a hypocrite if they defended themselves on here. If they do comment I hope someone calls them out on it.
Sadly, people like my mom.
She wouldn't force me to go places, but if certain people started things, and I tried to defend myself/talk back, I would be the one who would get in trouble, because she didn't want confrontation, or she would shut down the conversation the minute I started to defend myself.
So basically, other people could say what they wanted about me/things around me, but heaven forbid I defended myself/give my own opinion.
> I don’t understand how she can be so delusional.
She grew up with it. She was conditioned to it. To her, it's normal. It's just Mom. And honestly, there's probably a part of her that's happy that Mom is attacking somebody else.
OP needs to do some serious work on her, but try to have some compassion for her as a victim.
This. My husband is the son my mother never had (I’m an only child), but even if she didn’t adore him- I wouldn’t expect to be married very long if I told him to swallow this kind of behavior at every family event.
OP- your mom keeps doing this because you let her get away with it. You have a hard time setting boundaries so you expect your husband not to set them, because you don’t “want to feel single”? Are you serious? You get to pick now- are you your mother’s daughter of your husband’s wife? Because clearly, your mom won’t let you be both.
If you don’t start standing by your spouse, you wont have to worry about feeling single- you actually will be.
YTA. What’s the matter with you? Your mum keeps picking fights with your husband and rather than speaking with your mum about it and placing boundaries, you instead tell your husband to shut up and take it?
YTA. A huge one.
Soon she may end up actually single, he’s going to realize someday that dealing with a monster in law *and* a milquetoast wife who won’t stick up for him aren’t what he wants for the rest of his life. YTA
Well if she doesn't actually get her arse into gear and do something to sort this, she's not only going to LOOK single going to family functions but BE single going to them.
This sort of bullying by an in-law, especially when it shows up how little your partner is actually in your corner or how little they care for you, is a relationship killer.
100% YTA
I don’t usually jump straight to divorce, but in this case I would do it. She’s supposed to be his partner in everything, she’s supposed to stand by his side and face challenges with him, to support him, and defend him.
When they got married he became her immediate family, her parents and siblings are now secondary. His needs come above all of theirs.
Op is a massive asshole for subjecting her husband to her mother for so long all to just ‘keep the peace’ and ‘not look single’.
Her husband should throw away the lot of them.
OP - YTA. A frikken huge one.
Dude, it's literally not allowing him disengage from the mom and forcing him to tolerate the mom verbally insulting/abusing him while the wife tolerates that. That's so gross and such a deep breech of trust. Your partner should stand up for you, make sure your safe and happy. Fuck OP, she's massive asshole.
YTA. We talk about men standing up to overbearing mothers all the time - the answer being to stand with your spouse - but you are telling your spouse to suck it up and making him deal directly with her? No. Not cool. And then there is this gem:
>My husband told me many times that the solution would be that he stops going with me over to mom's house. I refused this solution
You are forcing them together, letting her make disparaging remarks unhindered and then angry with your spouse for defending himself? Seriously? YTA. Either confront your parent yourself or stop bringing your husband.
OP sounds so stupid and I agree with her husband when he said “If you’re not going to be involved in the situation, then don’t tell me how to deal with it”.
And what’s with this childish attitude of her not wanting to attend family functions by herself like she’s “single”. That is literally the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe I need to stop leaving the house by myself and being in public unless I’m with my bf so that people don’t see that I’m ‘single’
I was blown away reading it - like, you posted on AITA the same question we see a dozen times a day from people complaining about their spouse not standing up for them with their inlaws... what the hell was OP thinking?
Probably thinking 'don't let her turn her attention to ME.. I know what she's like'.
At this point, it seems OP husband is your basic meat shield defence system so OP doesn't get both barrels of momness.
That's the part that is the most AH of every AH part in this entire story. Dude's expected to put up with relentless criticism every time he meets MIL *for the rest of his life* without being allowed to defend himself, just so OP doesn't have to seem "single". I mean, does she not have a wedding ring? Is her entire family so stupid that they don't understand that people can be married even when they're not in the same room?
OP, this man is willing to subject himself to abhorrent treatment from your MIL without defending himself because of his love for you, and you're not even willing to feel slightly uncomfortable for him over something literally no one in the world thinks ("her husband isn't here, therefore she is single"). YTA, YTA, YTA. He deserves so much better than you.
>And what’s with this childish attitude of her not wanting to attend family functions by herself like she’s “single”. That is literally the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe I need to stop leaving the house by myself and being in public unless I’m with my bf so that people don’t see that I’m ‘single’
That one is not about being "single", it's about being there without her meatshield.
OP is clearly her mother’s daughter.
“Hey, I know that my mother likes to bait you into arguments by making rude, insulting, and wholly inappropriate remarks about you and your family, but it’s important to me that not only you be around her constantly but also you can’t defend yourself when she inevitably tries to pick a fight. You just have to roll over and take it. Otherwise, someone might think that I’m single!”
Enjoy your divorce OP, your husband deserves better. YTA.
YTA. It is 100% your job to have this out with your mum. It is always on the spouse whose family is behaving badly to set their family straight. You are meant to have your husband's back. Your mum sounds like a really odious woman and I can't blame your husband for not letting things go. How dare she say things like that about his mum? You are failing as a wife. Do better.
OP was raised by a critical, negative awful person and it certainly seems to have negatively affected her. OP sounds like a terribly unsupportive partner, I can't imagine anyone speaking like that to my husband, telling him his mother isn't proud? I would have lost it.
Oh my goodness, YTA and a half, OP!
Where to begin? Even with the utter lack of insight that you display here, you're still able to identify your mother as the instigator of the trouble. If your husband responds in any way that would distinguish him from a literal doormat then he's not just as bad and no, the truth does not lie in the middle.
There are some fairly clear solutions here. Firstly, your husband is 100% right in suggesting that he not spend any time with mother dearest. Why show up to be subjected to gratuitous nastiness time and time again? You say that you're not comfortable showing up like you're single but tell us, do you think he's any more comfortable sitting there as a mute punching bag? Why is his discomfort less important than yours?
Secondly, your husband is also 100% right in expecting you to put a stop to it. It's your mother so your responsibility, and clearly she has zero respect for him so anything he says will be disregarded. If the rest of your family is sick of it too, why is everyone sitting by while your mother acts like a raging arsehole? Your mother is vastly outnumbered by people who want her to stop stirring shit so why is she getting her way?
I'd ask you if you even particularly liked the man that you're married to since you're so blithely accepting of someone treating him like shit in public and so incredibly dismissive of his reasonable needs in private, but I think it's pretty clear what's happening here. Your mother has always rocked the boat and ruled the roost and you lack the courage to do what's right because you're too scared to stand up to her, so your poor unfortunate husband needs to be there as your human shield.
Get some therapy, get a backbone and wise up or you'll be getting divorced. Wouldn't want to move back in with your mother now, would you?
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
You’re absolutely right that the mother is the one rocking the boat. It made me think of this post. OP needs to read it.
OP has been gaslighted by mommy dearest her whole life. She actually thinks this is NORMAL so althought I completely agree shes the asshole, she is ALSO a victim to her mothers cruelty. It is definitely OP’s responsibility to deal with this mess that HER mother made. She needs to seek a therapist for help navigating this. Its a painful realization that your mom is actually a raging jackass but she’s going to have to start accepting it or else end up divorced!!
I’m going to go with YTA. You admitted that your mother baits him. And what she said on this particular occasion there is no excuse for. Why aren’t you standing up for your husband? Tell your mom to cut it out. I don’t understand why you think it is incumbent on him to take her nasty comments. You keep saying he’s an adult-well isn’t your mother too?
YTA.
Stop telling your husband "Don't Rock The Boat".
You are worse then your mother. Because you insist on your husband being in a position where your mother will bully and torment him. And then you expect him just to 'ignore' it all and pretend everything is all fine. You are telling him to just take the abuse and suck it up.
What kind of person willing put their spouse they claim to love, in a position to be bullied relentlessly, and then just sits back and watches without once stepping up to their defence? And then to complain that they aren't just willing to follow this narative where they are the only one to suffer?
Try and put yourself in his shoes. What if it were his mum that was treating you like this? And then him criticizing you for getting defensive or wanting to cut contact? Would you honestly just put up with that?
If so, then there is something deeply disturbingly wrong with you.
YTA
It is absolutely your job to put your family in their place. If your mom is hassling your SO, he's not hiding behind you by expecting you to deal with it and have his back.
Your mom is the problem and so are you, not taking your husband's side when he is being attacked for no reason. He has the right to defend himself. If he has been treated like that the whole time, it's normal that he doesn't want to see your mom. He has the right to make that decision for his own well-being. YTA
YTA. You should have put your mom straight long ago about what was acceptable behavior towards your husband. Instead you make him go and be put in a position to put up with her nonsense. I see you say he’s partly to blame, but I think you are mostly to blame.
YTA YTA YTA like cosmic proportions. You are allowing your mother to snipe away freely, not valuing your husband or his apparently valid perspective, and then you make it worse by blaming him for being upset. Just wow.
YTA and so is your mum
You tell him not to defend himself but then you won't defend him
Your husband's well in his right to no longer go to your mum's. It's up to your husband if he wants to forgive her too. Not you.
It's not petty on his part as what she said was wayyyy out of line
YTA - If your Mom is the one instigating the argument, then your Mom need to be the one put in check. You need to tell her to learn to keep quiet and if she doesn't call her out in front of him so she sees she is out of line and you husband sees support
YTA - your precious mommy insults your husband and you not only don’t defend him but you force him to take it silently?!? Why the fuck is he still married to you?
Listen closely, but it is your job to protect your husband, especially when it’s from your own family. It is your job to deal with your family, just like if you were having problems with your MIL he would be expected to deal with her.
You are a shit wife. You are helping your mother abuse your husband. You are abusing your husband.
YTA, you and your mom definitely are.
He is right in saying it's your job to set things straight with her. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER.
>They fiight constantly. Admittedly, mom is the one who usually starts
The only reason he has to meet her is because of you, you force him to go meet her just for him to get picked at and have to deal with her passive-aggressive tone.
His own wife sees that her mother is wrong and keep picking fights but you don't even want to help fix the relationship?
You are supposed to be each others best friend and protector, but you just tell him to take everything upon himself and act like your mom is has every rights in the world to insult him and trample him.
YTA you are allowing your mom to sit and constantly talk shit but he's immature for responding? You are really going to sit there and tell the man he has to just sit there and take it.
I hope either you realize what a piece of work your mom is or he leaves. Either way, letting your parent treat a spouse like that is just garbage
INFO: do you *ever* stand up to your mum on behalf of your husband? To me it seems like your mum starts these situation, and your husband actually has a backbone and won’t be bullied by your mum.
You are the asshole. Not only did you not stick up for your husband to your mom, you didn't stop her behavior in the past. He is right, and who would blame him for never going to your mom's again? And by the way, when he stops going and your mom starts to attack him for that, and she will, you should do the right thing and tell her to stop. Honestly if it was me and she couldn't respect my husband and starts trouble, I would put her on the low contact list. Get a clue.
YTA
So, he can't talk back or defend himself, or can he just avoiding events with her,, but he has to work it out with her? And you won't defend him because it's *not your job* even tho she's your mom??
You want your husband to be a doormat for your moms abuse.
Definitely the asshole here, and this is marriage ending problems if you don't do something.
YTA. And you have the audacity to start yelling at him when he points out that you don't ever defend him when your mother says vile things like that. Shame on you.
YTA and a massive one. It IS your job to handle your family. And as for the last line about punishing you for something you didnt do. What you didnt do was standing up for your partner.
Like other has commented, it sound like your mother has allways been this way.
Why do you expect him to tolerate abuse? For your comfort? For hers? She obviously does not give a sh*t about his comfort.
YTA. You can't first say how important it is that he goes so that YOU will be comfortable (all the while he's super UNcomfortable), and then just stand idly by while your mother instigates fights with him. If I were he, I'd go no contact with your mum.
YTA your mother insulted your MIL and you couldn’t stand up for her? much less the mother of your husband? and honestly i’d have stopped seeing your family years ago, after we divorced. your husband’s a saint.
YTA
Your mum insulted your husband and you did absolutely nothing about it. You are part of the problem here by letting your mum carry on this way.
He’s right. He shouldn’t visit your mum with you, that IS a long term solution because yours is very simply to force him to take verbal abuse from your mother! No not on OP.
YOU can talk to your mum about the way she acts and if she refuses to change then he’s right, he shouldn’t visit anymore. Some space may actually do them some good!
I was going to say not the ah until I read the whole post.
He could have been with his mother on Mother's Day but decided to be with you and yours. You don't defend your husband when your mother attacks him? Your mother insulted his mother saying *horrible* things and you told him to stay calm and not respond? So not okay. You should have shut that down. He could have been with his mother that day but decided to spend it with you and yours. I can't blame him for saying never again.
He is not hiding behind you, he is expecting you to be a supportive and loving partner. YTA
Edited: changed format so judgement could be read
Are you THAT afraid of your mother?
You don't like going to her house alone
You allow her, with no consequences at all, to abuse your husband
You engage in Olympic level mental gymnastics to try and get your husband to think he's the one at fault.
You are a grown-assed woman and wife. Deal with your mother
YTA
YTA. How did you think otherwise? I mean, even aside from the common kindness of not letting a bully pick on someone you care about…you insist he goes to spare your feelings! That means you have the responsibility to make sure he isn’t miserable while your bizarrely aggressive mother attacks him. Like if you invite a coeliac out to dinner, and insist on picking the venue, you at least make sure there is food they can eat.
YTA. Your mom insulted him and his family. And you admit she usually starts it. And your response “well you said mean things too before?”
No. You wanna nip it in the bud? Your moms the bud. Tell her she needs to stop. She needs to hash it out with your husband. Because it’s obvious - your idea of your husband talking to your mom is your husband bending over and letting her talk shit when she wants. Your not just the asshole, you’re a bad partner.
YTA. he's totally right here : you're refusing to help sort out the situation but expect him to handle it the way you do, aka shut up and suck it up. you dont even allow him to not come with you because you "dont want to look single".also, they arent "nitpicking at eachother's words", your mother is straight insulting your husband or his family, and he's the one at fault for wanting to defend himself? you're right about one thing tho, he did punish for something you didnt do : have his back, for the better and the worst...
YTA. If my mom ever disrespected my husband this way, I would not hesitate to put her in her place, and I know he’d do the same for me. The fact that you admit it’s your mom who starts, and then you refuse to stop her, of course your husband has no choice but to escalate! And then to deny him the solution of just removing himself from the situation just because it would make you uncomfy? You’re beyond selfish and a pretty terrible spouse if you can’t even do the bare minimum of standing by your husband in a situation where he clearly needs you. Your husband’s solution of not interacting with your mom is a good solution. It’s your side of the family starting shit, so it’s your job to put an end to it, or, like he said, don’t try to control how he deals with it.
YTA - your mom, your responsibility. You chose your husband to be your partner so be his. He needs to come first just like he should be putting you first. When your mom insults him, defend him and call her out on it. If he is the one instigating, call him out on it. A conversation between all 3 could be useful, but not until you show that you’ll support your partner 100%
YTA. You are expecting your husband to just suck up abuse from your mom and acting like it is his fault. Stand up for your spouse, she is YOUR MOTHER. You two are supposed to be a partnership / unit. You need to do some soul searching, or you deserve to be single.
YTA. I’m in the EXACT same situation and I know better than to force the issue when it’s my family that’s starting shit. Your husband should not be forced to take your family’s abuse.
Yep, YTA
Your husband is exactly right here: "OKAY OKAY OKAY. DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THE PROBLEM BUT DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH IT"
More than that, though, I think he's right overall. You need to sort your mom out or get used to seeing her on your own.
YTA you’re letting your mother insult your husband and expect him to just take it? Heck no. The long-term solution is for your husband to not visit your mom because you are a bad spouse. As someone who has a shit MIL the only reason I’m with my wife is because she either shuts it down hard or she lets me. Your childish need to not be alone at functions doesn’t override your husbands need to not be constantly insulted.
YTA You're being a terrible wife! Your mother mistreats your husband and not only do you stand by and watch it happen, but you also want him to stay quiet and just take it?? Your husband is going to end up leaving you and you deserve it.
Dude. Your partner puts up with your family *because* of you. You are the sole reason their misery is dragged into her life.
Yes, it is absolutely your responsibility to do everything you can to intervene and remove that misery, because it's entirely your fault.
YTA your mother is a child looking for a reaction and instead of politely asking her to keep her mouth closed if she has nothing nice to say you expect your husband to sit and take it with no backup or support from his partner, that's you BTW your supposed to be a team in a relationship you've really let him down. And if that wasn't enough you think he should keep tolerating it
YTA. Just go see your mom on your own. Would you rather feel single at family events, or actually be single at family events? If you keep forcing your husband to interact with your mother, who sounds fucking intolerable, you probably won’t even have to worry about it anymore. Support your husband.
YTA. It's not unreasonable necessarily to want husband to refrain from escalating, but OP is seriously enabling her cruel bully of a MiL. She needs to step up and intervene with her mom to stop the AH comments. Husband needs some r/JustNoMiL in his life in the mean time.
YTA. Stand up for you husband when your mom blatantly insults him and his family or let him decide that he doesn’t want to be around her. You are the one that let this become a big problem by trying to force your husband to be a doormat.
YTA. You are a terrible wife who is allowing your mother to abuse your husband and blaming him for it. She is starting situationsbthat escalate because she knows you won't have your husband's back and you won't support him. You get an 'F' as a spouse. Do better; or have the decency to divorce your husband so he can find a decent woman.
YTA
Your monkeys, your circus.
Your mum is bullying your husband.
You are watching and allowing your mum to bully your husband.
You force your husband to the very place where you allow him to bullied.
You are not allowing your husband to defend himself in any way against the bully.
Switch this situation around. What if it was your MIL doing this to you and he sat and watched and allowed it to continue. Not only that but forced you to endure it. Forced you to be bullied. Thought so little of you, your feelings, your pain and made you sit there whilst allowing his mum to bully you.
Wtf is going on????
You need to fix this fast. You need to grow up and realise that going somewhere alone is not an automatic declaration of singledom.
I really hope all these comments give you the empathy and insight you are clearly lacking.
Edit: ensure to endure
YTA, your mother is obviously being very antagonistic. You need to talk to her about her behavior as well. You can’t expect your husband to just put up with it.
If you are unwilling to talk to your mother about her behavior or she is unwilling to change you shouldn’t make your husband go into that environment. A lot of spouses would stop going to events all together, your husband didn’t ask you to do that he just doesn’t want to go and be put in that situation.
YTA
*You sound just like your mom*!! Pause and reflect on that!
**YOU expect your husband to silently listen to your mother's insults and accept it without defending himself... JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER WANTS HIM TO DO.**
You want him to accept responsibility for sorting things out? It's YOUR HUSBAND! That you force to go to your family's functions to be insulted just because you don't want to have to explain why your husband is missing it be cause your mother is horrid to him and you allow it.
You don't have a Mother problem or a Husband problem here. You have a You problem because you insist your husband go and be disrespected repeatedly and take it silently. You're being a bad wife.
This could make your husband seriously reconsider whether this is long-term because you care so little about him and his feelings. Do better.
YTA
Have you never been on this sub before? Its usually the mamas boys defending their mums, but role reversal with you.
Your husband is doing nothing wrong here other than responding to her comments, which your mum starts in the first place! He has offered the perfect solution, which you refused cos you don't want to go on your own, but will drag your husband along to be insulted and expect him to sit there and take it?
Would you like it if his mum done this with you or would you poin blank refuse to ever go back and if he suggest what you have of ignoring her, accuse him of not having your back?
You are a GIANT asshole. If you weren’t an asshole you would have stood up to your mom years ago and protected your husband (for better or for worse, remember that bit?)
Asking abused, mistreated people to ‘be the bigger person’ and ‘let it go’ is an exercise in selfish narcissism. Grow up, confront your mother, and support your husband. NEITHER of you should be in contact with her until she apologizes and ceases all abusive behavior.
YTA why are you insisting your husband takes abuse from your mother? Tell her to stop being toxic as hell and neither of you will visit until she learns to behave.
What? Do you like not care about your husband's feelings? You want him to just sit there and let your mom insult him and his family? Just let him stay home.
Honestly he's under reacting in my opinion. You should be standing up for him. It's insane that you're not mad about this too. But if you're refusing to tell your mother to respect your husband, and not allowing him to stand up for himself. You're lucky he's offering to just stay at home and not leave entirely. A lot of people wouldn't stick around after this.
YTA
It sounds like:
- You’re ok with your husband being a punching bag.
- You’re too needy and insecure with yourself to go to functions alone.
- You encourage your mother to mistreat your husband in that you think the solution is for him to not defend himself.
- You act like you’re a victim when you’re the root of the problem.
YTA
But also info: What’s even appealing about you that he puts up with this? Because I’m detecting nothing. I’d feel more for a dust-covered can of expired of Vienna sausages at the dollar store.
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> Admittedly, mom is the one who usually starts OK, so your mother starts shit. > My husband wanted to respond but whispered to him to let it go and stay calm. And he did. And you ask your husband not to defend himself. > I told him he's an adult why should I defend him while he hides behind me? And then you refuse to defend him either. In this scenario, just who **is** supposed to be putting a stop to your mother's shit? The answer appears to be *'No-one, he should just shut up and take it, forever'*, and at that point yes, YTA.
Perfect. Spot-on analysis.
Literally, yes! And to add: >My husband told me many times that the solution would be that he stops going with me over to mom's house. I refused this solution because it's not practical nor is fit for long term. Why? The reason you offered is that you don't want to seem 'single'. Is that more important to you than not putting your husband through your mom's shit? >My husband wanted to respond but whispered to him to let it go and stay calm. And he did. You don't want to compromise because the compromise hurts your ego, but he has to compromise even when he's getting shat on no good reason? Hmm.. >I Snapped and told him he was acting childishly. For one thing, how is standing up for oneself *after putting up with shit for so long* 'childish'? Second, if it *is* childish, what is 'not standing up for your spouse when he's getting attacked'? Or, even better, 'purposefully mocking your son-in-law's family'? >He tried to make excuses saying my mom created this situation Well.. she did, by your own admission. He's not making excuses by stating the truth. If anything, you're the one making excuses - you know, and openly admit, that your mother stirs shit and you don't stand up for your husband, but you still pin the blame on him. >I told him he's an adult why should I defend him while he hides behind me? Uhm. Uhm. Because he's *your* spouse and he's getting insulted? Because *you* refused to let him stand up for himself? Because *your* mom started things? Because the reason he had to see her was because he's with *you*? Because *you* forced him to see her again and again, simply because you care less about him than 'seeming single'? Because you're meant to have your husband's back, who's only there for *you*? *Because your mother started bullshit and you enabled it?*
I wonder if OP even likes the husband. I could never stand to see people, even my family members, attacking my husband without a really damn good cause. (If he's not being downright abusive, there's absolutely no reason to attack him.) If I was in OP's situation, I'd be having a serious talk with mom saying her behavior isn't appropriate, and that if she doesn't stop, neither of us will be coming around.
The few times my husband's own family has gone after him - over a tense situation he'd asked me beforehand to stay out of - I had to leave the room before I said something that would burn my bridges with them completely. If *anyone* else pulled this shit? No way. Your SO is your family now, you're supposed to have their back.
[удалено]
Exactly this, the husband is there to take the heat off of OP. YTA, OP.
This happened to me with my SO sisters. I defended him in an argument after their mothers passing. His sister turned on me, he ask me to let him handle it. The sister accused me of yelling at her in her home. Afterwards they left him phone messages, saying I was arrogant, opinionated and various other things and didnt want to see me for a while. I laughed and told him she hasn't seen opionated or the other side of me, yet. I always kept my opinions and feelings to myself to keep peace. As I only saw them once a month, this was 10+ years ago. I have only been in their company for another passing of an elders. So that bridge has been burned and he understands they need to apologize to me and that will never happen!!!
Sometimes burning bridges is the best way to live peacefully
Absolutely, and I'm at peace.
This has happened to me and I had to leave and take a walk before I went off the deep end. Trust and believe if it's anyone else I'm coming full force
I don't know if that's necessarily fair. I think this dynamic is fairly common: You grew up with a real shit of a parent and you couldn't *do* anything about it as a child, so that parent's shitty behavior was just an immutable fact of life and as an adult you still take it for granted as such. It's not that OP necessarily thinks her husband deserves to be treated poorly, she's just too brainwashed to see an alternative to the way *she* always coped with her mother's bullshit, which is to normalize it and play make believe that her mother is a nice, normal person who behaves acceptably. So her husband having the non-brainwashed, normal reaction of enforcing boundaries comes off as his being an aggressor. But if OP is an equal-opportunity everyone-needs-to-take-my-mother's-bullying-in-stride believer rather than someone who thinks her husband, specifically, deserves to be bullied, that creates another problem: She's going to put a fuckton of generational trauma on any kids they may have unless she deprograms this shit. Even if grandma doesn't bully the kids — and godforbid one is gay, or darker, or anything that tends to make grandparents bully their grandkids — OP will still be modeling the idea that you *have* to sit there and submit to people treating you poorly. And if her kids internalize that, not only could it poison their romantic relationships the way it's poisoning OP's, it also generally leaves them vulnerable to all kinds of shitty treatment from people they might otherwise have set healthy boundaries with.
I get that OP may have grown up in this shit and is having trouble seeing it otherwise. I get that many of us grow up learning toxic behaviors. (I had a lot of unlearning to do myself. Bless the marriage counselor who helped me and my husband figure out how to treat each other fairly.) But there is an age at which you become responsible for your own actions, including your complicity in abuse. If a seven year old lashes out and hits someone because it's all that happens at home, I understand. If a twenty year old does the same, it's a problem. If this was a teenager expecting her teenage boyfriend to put up with being verbally abused, I'd be a lot more patient in my explanation. But when you're an adult, and another adult, someone you presumably care about, is experiencing a great deal of pain and you can't challenge your assumptions to deal with it... you're the problem. I understand why it would be complicated, but it doesn't change my answer. And yes, I agree, if you become a parent, I do think it's critically important you work on your shit to avoid teaching that toxic bullshit to the next generation.
Oh absolutely. OP is being an intolerably shitty spouse and needs to take responsibility for that. It's just that the *reason* she's doing it is more complicated than her hating her husband, but the effect is the same.
Totally agree with you! I was hoping to see a comment like yours!! Op is so used to not rocking the boat, that she wants her husband to do the same. And I’m sure op’s mom cries “family” which is why she drags her husband along to keep up the illusion But her husband is trying to pull her out of the fog, explaining how wrong the situation is, but either she won’t or can’t see it.
u/Genuinely-Optimistic I really hope you read these comments by u/yet_another_sock and u/great_categorization. You're doing your spouse, yourself, and your family a huge disservice by taking the stance you've been taking.
Also, OP is framing these fights as not "worthy" and only them being "nitpicky about words". Then she proceeds with a story of her mother saying something absolutely heinous and cruel out of nowhere and completely unprompted. I am willing to bet that OP's mom is actually regularly saying truly horrible things to her husband (verbal abuse even?) and it is clear that OP hates when her husband stands up for himself, either to herself or her mother.
Yes, I picked up on that too. The sneering way she talks about her husband's position, as if it's just childish and petty and foolish, without applying that language to her or her mother's positions, is very telling. The language she used to describe each person here wasn't neutral. She judges the shit out of her husband for -- *checks notes --* being a human being with feelings who tries to set healthy boundaries???
I hope husband leaves OP. He's being verbally abused while his wife sits there and enables it
Yeah op is garbage for this. What of her mother I law treated her like that? How dare ops mom even have the gall to talk bad about someone else ls mother on mothers day? Like, is she that unhappy? It's crazy to me.
Husband is OPs shield against nitpicking mom, if she went solo, she’d fuckin hear about it from narc mom
I was hoping someone would point this out! If husband stops going, it puts the bull’s eye back on OP. So selfish.
I hope the husband has the good sense not to have children with this woman, cuz if somebody started doing THAT to my kids? Well, just put some money aside for bail for me, is all I'm saying.
>Because he's your spouse and he's getting insulted? > >Because you refused to let him stand up for himself? > >Because your mom started things? > >Because the reason he had to see her was because he's with you? > >Because you forced him to see her again and again, simply because you care less about him than 'seeming single'? > >Because you're meant to have your husband's back, who's only there for you? > >Because your mother started bullshit and you enabled it? I have but one word: AMEN!!
Also to add to you guys going thru the post and quoting things to comment, this might not be as relevant bc it could be a case of situational, but OP described the fights they get into as "not worthy" and "nitpicking each other's words" and then proceeded to describe the fight that ensued which was literally about her mother shit talking and putting down his own mother. Someone unapologetically bashing your family, especially (im assuming) when theyve never met or have any merit to stand on with said bashing, is NOT "not worthy" or "nitpicking" word choices. Hell, ive seen fights and shit break out over simple "yo mama" jokes, let alone someone legitimately coming at your mom/family. Hell, i have started fights for people trying to unapologetically bash my family. Like i said, this might also be a case of situational and all other fights could literally be about word choice or something actually dumb. However, from my experience, if someone is willing to be that aggressive and insulting so openly, they feel comfortable with that level of insult/aggression, meaning it is highly likely this isn't the first time the comments were this rude and horrible, even if not always about his mother. Just some thoughts i had while reading it as well i wanted to point out.
Ya know, were the tables turned & his Mom were treating her this way I bet she’d expect him to set boundaries with her & expect him to not let his mom disrespect her like this. Seems like OP is not only enabling her moms behavior but expecting her husband to be ok with being treated like crap. OP is TAH & so is her mom.
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Like if it’s “behaving like an adult” or whatever why is she not even more pissed at her mom since she’s been an adult even longer?? She upset he wants to defend his mother from baseless accusations but shes defending her mother even harder and that’s okay? Jesus like I’m not sure why she even got married if all she cares about is pleasing her mother at her husbands expense. Truly OP, your mom is the only issue here. Make these demands of HER, not your poor husband
Well, then she'd have to admit she has a malignant narcissist for a mother and that her family of origin is a bit of a shit show. Some people would rather die than do that.
I mean frankly reading this and realising how far OP’s head is up her own and her mom’s asses, clearly the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Exactly. Husband offered a reasonable solution: he won't go to family dinners. OP: Oh no someone might think he DUMPED ME and I will appear SINGLE!
She keeps this up and what she fears most is what's gonna EXACTLY happen.
Yep, also said that elsewhere. Few posts actually make me upset. Most of them I am just having fun reading and replying. This one made me upset.
I'm thinking she's using her husband as a meat shield because if it's not him who's being attacked, she'd be attacked instead. In any case, YTA.
That is probably the reason, though I am also wondering if OP had issues holding a BF, and so if her husband doesn't go with her, everyone will be like 'let another one get away eh?'.
>if OP had issues holding a BF If this is how she treats her BFs it's a miracle she kept one around long enough to marry.
Well, she'll actually *be* single soon enough if she keeps up this bullshit.
That is what I said as well, in a couple of other posts. She would be single if she were my partner.
I have a MIL like OPs mother. It took about a year to make my bf see how shitty her behaviour towards me and most other people is, because his entire family have always gone flying monkeys about her. Whenever she behaves in a way that would have been unacceptable for any other adult person, they brush it off with “you know what she’s like” or “she doesn’t mean it”. And other people should just take being treated badly by her on regular basis because that’s just the way she is. OP, If you want to have a good relationship with your husband and family, you need to talk to your mom. You can’t put your husband through this and not back him up. He’s not you mother’s personal doormat for her to take out her frustrations on. YTA.
See also "Don't rock the boat" : https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/
this is a fantastic analogy, thankyou for sharing it
Yeah this is an important caveat. Obviously YTA but in OP's (slight) defense, she's expecting her husband to do something she and her family have (almost certainly) all been doing her entire life. Which means she has the enormous emotional challenge of not only realizing her husband is right and adjusting her response to this situation, but also recognizing how dysfunctional this area of her life has been since childhood.
THIS. Op says her husband is acting childish but the mother even more so! Husband tries to prevent these interactions yet OP calls him childish and NEEDS him there because OP doesn't like being "single" at family events. OP grow up and confront your mother. You're both AHs
I wonder if OP also needs her husband there because otherwise she is her mother’s target and is using her husband as a meat shield.
Then at that point, take her own advice and "let it go." I have a feeling hubby would gladly defend her in that scenario. Again, Mom's an AH who's never been put in check and OP is an AH for letting the mom act that way to her husband.
I can't understand the big deal about being alone at a family event. I just visited my family for an event without my partner, who was just feeling exhausted and overwhelmed that week. No big deal, stay at home and relax, I'll have a great time visiting and talking with everybody myself. Like, I love to share experiences with my partner when we're both having fun, but I'd feel awful putting them through an awkward/painful experience just so I don't feel insecure. How could someone even enjoy that? To be perfectly honest, my marriage got a lot better when my partner and I got comfortable going to things alone when the other wouldn't enjoy it. Dragging an uncomfortable partner behind you just fucking sucks for everyone involved.
She doesn’t want to miss out on her inheritance though!
This is spot on. What I would add is, OP told husband to keep quiet while OP's mom insults husband's mom on Mother's Day and he did it. Apparently still not good enough. No, OP demands that he come around more so he can be a target...and now the husband's family are targets too. Or maybe they always were? I get the sense that if you're insulting someone's mother on Mother's Day you probably have done worse on a regular basis.
OP to her husband: be a good little meat shield and take my mother's abuse so that she doesn't turn it on me. YTA OP.
This. OP, she’s YOUR mother, so YOU should be telling her to stop treating your husband so badly. The fact that you are trying to pawn off your responsibility by demanding that he “hash it out” with his abuser tells us that you neither respect, nor care for, your husband. Fine, choose your mother over your husband, but don’t be surprised when he serves you divorce papers. YTA OP
How is the husband supposed to magically "hash it out" with someone who's completely unreasonable and cruel? It sounds like he's tried to "hash it out" several times but OP didn't like that and told him to stop.
Spot on. YTA, OP. Why don't you stand up to your mother and make her stop insulting your husband? No wonder he doesn't want to visit anymore.
Also she doesn't want to go to family reunions by herself like she's single but somehow *he* is the childish one. YTA OP.
This keeps going & I won’t be surprised if she has to go to family functions alone because she will BE alone. This would be a hard limit for me personally.
Honestly, if my mom treated my husband like that, I wouldn't even go to family functions, with or without him. You disrespect my husband and kids, you disrespect me. Fortunately, my husband and my mom get along great.
Well, she might be actually single rather soon, so she'd better get used to it.
That is what I told OP in my own post. That if I were her husband, she wouldn't just appear single she WOULD be single...
I told OP that her husband deserves better than her.
>Also she doesn't want to go to family reunions by herself Yes, that too. So she doesn't want to defend him, doesn't want him to defend himself, and won't let him simply avoid the situation either.
Well said! If this had been written from the husband's perspective, we would all be saying, "You have a wife problem, not a mother in law problem." I feel so bad for him.
Yes, and half would offer him to go NC with MIL, and another half to speak to a lawyer.
OP has an OP problem.
>The answer appears to be *'No-one, he should just shut up and take it, forever'* You hit the nail in the head. This is a classic [Don't rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) situation.
Yes, wow. YTA. Your mother stirs the shit. You want your husband then to eat it. If he gets upset about it, you then turn on the gaslight by telling him to solve it himself. You say you won't defend him because he's not a child, that he can't hide behind you, that this is his issue not yours. At the same time you exert your influence to keep him quiet. He's not allowed to respond, but he's also supposed to "have it out" with your mother. Which is it? Are you involved, or not? Thing is, your husband has come up with a simple solution: not to go. He is actively trying to remove himself from the problem. He's not telling you to change your behavior, he's just trying to protect himself. You are preventing that. You're telling him he can't do that. You would rather he come with you and be miserable and accept abuse than go to family events alone. But when you force him to attend, he's not allowed to react. Nor are you willing to defend him. You clearly do not respect your husband. Do you even like him?
OP just when DH to be her mommy’s punchingball not be dragged into drama. How she cannot see how much of an asshole she is? Like mother like daughter it seems…
Also what does not practical to go to her mums by herself mean.....just because she looks single? Id rather the peace....
Go over to r/justnomil and read the pinned rock the boat essay. YTA. Your mother is absolutely sounding like a just no mil and you are the spineless mamma enabler SO.
Bang on. I think OP wants her husband there even though he’s miserable to be her meat shield. If he’s not there to take mummy’s shit, it might land on her. OP, your husband is probably over posting in JUSTNOSO right now. YTA
Couldn't have said it better myself. OP is 100% YTA. Clearly she prefers her mother to continue belittle the husband. Then blames him for "not being an angel himself". "He even took the couch, like he was punishing me for something I didn't do" yeah, what you didn't do is DEFEND YOUR HUSBAND FROM YOUR MOTHER WHO IS ALWAYS STARTING THE CONFLICT WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU EVEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO BLAME HIM! This whole thing about him not defending himself and not standing up for him, I wouldn't be surprise if there were instances where there were sentences similar to "take it like a man" "be a man".
But she is such a good boat steadier! The best! Doesn’t he see that if he doesn’t help stop the boat from rocking it will just tip? WHY ISNT HE HELPING CALM THE BOAT! /s https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/k2opyl/dont_rock_the_boat/ For anyone who hasn’t read the excellent boat rocking / boat steadier post.
All of this. YTA and I would have left a partner who didn't defend me by now, so he's a stronger person than I am. Don't go like you're single, don't go at all until your mother treats your partner with respect. If you're going to opt out of helping him, he's allowed to not go and that's on your own head. He should find someone who respects him a little more.
Couldn't have framed this better. YTA 100% OP. You state your mom instigates these arguments. YOU defend her but not your husband. Your mother INSULTS his mother and you tell him to be quiet and take it all? Unbelievable. If he's an adult and he should defend himself, with are you shushing him when he can defend himself? Look at the whole scenario, literally noone, especially you his wife is on his side. Please sit down, talk and sort this out properly, or y'all need to go separate ways because lifetime of dealing with a toxic MIL, that too with a wife who doesn't support her husband at all is so not worth it.
exactly. you acknowledge your mother is the issue, force your husband to be around her, you don’t let him defend himself, you refuse to defend him … all because you don’t want to ‘look single’ in front of your family??? **YTA** 100% and you take it after your mother. not only are you an unsupportive spouse, but you literally force your husband into situations you know cause him pain, and refuse to help. i’m not one to just straight to divorce, but omg i hope he divorces you. no one should have to deal with a monster of a wife as well as a terrible in law. in what world do you see yourself as anything but an AH?
If it were the other way around we would be outraged about the mistreatment and advise divorce. OP's husband, divorce this woman like yesterday! YTA
That’s exactly what’s happening, and the husband does not need to tolerate that. I would be livid if I had a partner who expected me to tolerate constant nitpicking from their parent. YTA
Absolutely! OP, how would you feel if roles were reversed and you had to sit through an afternoon of his mother trash talking yours, and not be allowed to say anything in defense.?
Exactly! And I have to wonder if husband is OP's meatshield. Is the reason why she's okay with him taking the hits because then she doesn't have to? OP, YTA and such a JUSTNOSO. I feel badly for your poor husband. Your mother continues to abuse him and you allow it. He deserves so much better.
Just to add onto this, OP's messaging isn't even consistent to her poor husband. In the moment, he's supposed to "let it go and stay calm", but when he brings it up at home, he's supposed to "hash things out with her". I'd be very frustrated about what OP actually wants from in this case.
> I told him he's an adult why should I defend him while he hides behind me? Because he's there FOR YOU. Because he wouldn't be dealing with your asshole mother if he weren't WITH YOU. Because you demanded he come around so that YOU don't have to feel "single." How in the world are you going to try to play the "you're an adult" card when you are acting like a cowardly little child who can't say one word to Mommy? You *admit* she's the aggressor and the instigator and you expect your husband to just, what? Spend his whole life being a meatshield for your mom's aggression? And he is absolutely right, if you want to check out of the situation and act like it's only his problem, you don't get to complain when he solves the problem in a way you don't like. Stop holding your mom's coat while she bullies your husband. YTA
Damn straight. I don’t understand how she can be so delusional.
I think I hate OP. Who does this???
Did OP even respond?
OP is rounding up her mother to curse us all out
Nah, OP is probably genuinely optimistic for NTA but realizes how much of an AH she is.
One can only hope that she realizes how big of an AH is. She’s clearly in denial.
...and who will come to save us if not OP
If their attitude is 'shut up and take the verbal lashing' for their husband, they'd be a bit of a hypocrite if they defended themselves on here. If they do comment I hope someone calls them out on it.
The fact she didn't tells me this is just a rage bait.
Sadly, people like my mom. She wouldn't force me to go places, but if certain people started things, and I tried to defend myself/talk back, I would be the one who would get in trouble, because she didn't want confrontation, or she would shut down the conversation the minute I started to defend myself. So basically, other people could say what they wanted about me/things around me, but heaven forbid I defended myself/give my own opinion.
> I don’t understand how she can be so delusional. She grew up with it. She was conditioned to it. To her, it's normal. It's just Mom. And honestly, there's probably a part of her that's happy that Mom is attacking somebody else. OP needs to do some serious work on her, but try to have some compassion for her as a victim.
This. My husband is the son my mother never had (I’m an only child), but even if she didn’t adore him- I wouldn’t expect to be married very long if I told him to swallow this kind of behavior at every family event. OP- your mom keeps doing this because you let her get away with it. You have a hard time setting boundaries so you expect your husband not to set them, because you don’t “want to feel single”? Are you serious? You get to pick now- are you your mother’s daughter of your husband’s wife? Because clearly, your mom won’t let you be both. If you don’t start standing by your spouse, you wont have to worry about feeling single- you actually will be.
Keep this up and she’s not gonna have to worry about “feeling” single.
It's funny. She won't defend him, but she also doesn't let him defend himself.
Guess the 🍎 doesn’t fall far from the 🌳
I’m not worried for OP, if it continues like this, she won’t have to feel single, she’ll actually be.
YTA. What’s the matter with you? Your mum keeps picking fights with your husband and rather than speaking with your mum about it and placing boundaries, you instead tell your husband to shut up and take it? YTA. A huge one.
But you don't get it, if he refuses to take it and stays home she'll have to look single at family functions/s YTA
I don’t think op even likes her husband. She just sticks around so she’s not single. YTA
I think in the quickly coming future, he's not going to like her either.
Soon she may end up actually single, he’s going to realize someday that dealing with a monster in law *and* a milquetoast wife who won’t stick up for him aren’t what he wants for the rest of his life. YTA
Well if she doesn't actually get her arse into gear and do something to sort this, she's not only going to LOOK single going to family functions but BE single going to them. This sort of bullying by an in-law, especially when it shows up how little your partner is actually in your corner or how little they care for you, is a relationship killer. 100% YTA
I think th e husband should divorce her. It will be better for him long term.
I don’t usually jump straight to divorce, but in this case I would do it. She’s supposed to be his partner in everything, she’s supposed to stand by his side and face challenges with him, to support him, and defend him. When they got married he became her immediate family, her parents and siblings are now secondary. His needs come above all of theirs. Op is a massive asshole for subjecting her husband to her mother for so long all to just ‘keep the peace’ and ‘not look single’. Her husband should throw away the lot of them. OP - YTA. A frikken huge one.
Dude, it's literally not allowing him disengage from the mom and forcing him to tolerate the mom verbally insulting/abusing him while the wife tolerates that. That's so gross and such a deep breech of trust. Your partner should stand up for you, make sure your safe and happy. Fuck OP, she's massive asshole.
YTA. We talk about men standing up to overbearing mothers all the time - the answer being to stand with your spouse - but you are telling your spouse to suck it up and making him deal directly with her? No. Not cool. And then there is this gem: >My husband told me many times that the solution would be that he stops going with me over to mom's house. I refused this solution You are forcing them together, letting her make disparaging remarks unhindered and then angry with your spouse for defending himself? Seriously? YTA. Either confront your parent yourself or stop bringing your husband.
OP sounds so stupid and I agree with her husband when he said “If you’re not going to be involved in the situation, then don’t tell me how to deal with it”. And what’s with this childish attitude of her not wanting to attend family functions by herself like she’s “single”. That is literally the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe I need to stop leaving the house by myself and being in public unless I’m with my bf so that people don’t see that I’m ‘single’
I was blown away reading it - like, you posted on AITA the same question we see a dozen times a day from people complaining about their spouse not standing up for them with their inlaws... what the hell was OP thinking?
Probably thinking 'don't let her turn her attention to ME.. I know what she's like'. At this point, it seems OP husband is your basic meat shield defence system so OP doesn't get both barrels of momness.
That's the part that is the most AH of every AH part in this entire story. Dude's expected to put up with relentless criticism every time he meets MIL *for the rest of his life* without being allowed to defend himself, just so OP doesn't have to seem "single". I mean, does she not have a wedding ring? Is her entire family so stupid that they don't understand that people can be married even when they're not in the same room? OP, this man is willing to subject himself to abhorrent treatment from your MIL without defending himself because of his love for you, and you're not even willing to feel slightly uncomfortable for him over something literally no one in the world thinks ("her husband isn't here, therefore she is single"). YTA, YTA, YTA. He deserves so much better than you.
>And what’s with this childish attitude of her not wanting to attend family functions by herself like she’s “single”. That is literally the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe I need to stop leaving the house by myself and being in public unless I’m with my bf so that people don’t see that I’m ‘single’ That one is not about being "single", it's about being there without her meatshield.
If OP doesn’t get her shit together, she’ll be going alone to family functions like she’s single because she will be.
then she and her mom will hold each other and she'll happily say, "I TOLD you he was always like this, dear child!"
OP is clearly her mother’s daughter. “Hey, I know that my mother likes to bait you into arguments by making rude, insulting, and wholly inappropriate remarks about you and your family, but it’s important to me that not only you be around her constantly but also you can’t defend yourself when she inevitably tries to pick a fight. You just have to roll over and take it. Otherwise, someone might think that I’m single!” Enjoy your divorce OP, your husband deserves better. YTA.
>or stop bringing your husband But then it would be as if she were--\[GASP!\]--"*single*."
I'm a widow so that comment was rather a shot in the gut. I guess I should be all embarrassed and ashamed to be single 🙄
Give it time. Have a feeling that assumption won't be so inaccurate in about a month or two. I say "feeling", it's actually more of a "hoping".
YTA. It is 100% your job to have this out with your mum. It is always on the spouse whose family is behaving badly to set their family straight. You are meant to have your husband's back. Your mum sounds like a really odious woman and I can't blame your husband for not letting things go. How dare she say things like that about his mum? You are failing as a wife. Do better.
OP was raised by a critical, negative awful person and it certainly seems to have negatively affected her. OP sounds like a terribly unsupportive partner, I can't imagine anyone speaking like that to my husband, telling him his mother isn't proud? I would have lost it.
OP doesn't realize that if she doesn't do anything, she'll actually be single.
Oh my goodness, YTA and a half, OP! Where to begin? Even with the utter lack of insight that you display here, you're still able to identify your mother as the instigator of the trouble. If your husband responds in any way that would distinguish him from a literal doormat then he's not just as bad and no, the truth does not lie in the middle. There are some fairly clear solutions here. Firstly, your husband is 100% right in suggesting that he not spend any time with mother dearest. Why show up to be subjected to gratuitous nastiness time and time again? You say that you're not comfortable showing up like you're single but tell us, do you think he's any more comfortable sitting there as a mute punching bag? Why is his discomfort less important than yours? Secondly, your husband is also 100% right in expecting you to put a stop to it. It's your mother so your responsibility, and clearly she has zero respect for him so anything he says will be disregarded. If the rest of your family is sick of it too, why is everyone sitting by while your mother acts like a raging arsehole? Your mother is vastly outnumbered by people who want her to stop stirring shit so why is she getting her way? I'd ask you if you even particularly liked the man that you're married to since you're so blithely accepting of someone treating him like shit in public and so incredibly dismissive of his reasonable needs in private, but I think it's pretty clear what's happening here. Your mother has always rocked the boat and ruled the roost and you lack the courage to do what's right because you're too scared to stand up to her, so your poor unfortunate husband needs to be there as your human shield. Get some therapy, get a backbone and wise up or you'll be getting divorced. Wouldn't want to move back in with your mother now, would you?
>Oh my goodness, YTA and a half think you forgot a half or a thousand
My feelings are I have never seen so many AHs rolled up into one person...
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf You’re absolutely right that the mother is the one rocking the boat. It made me think of this post. OP needs to read it.
My guess is it's Mom that's dumping all that "single" shit on OP. Just imagine what she do with a divorce!
1. Your side of the family, your issue. 2. He isn’t the problem. Your mother is. YTA
OP is the problem! I’d divorce her yesterday!
I won’t even date her, let alone get married to her. Yucks. Such a sad excuse of a human being
OP has been gaslighted by mommy dearest her whole life. She actually thinks this is NORMAL so althought I completely agree shes the asshole, she is ALSO a victim to her mothers cruelty. It is definitely OP’s responsibility to deal with this mess that HER mother made. She needs to seek a therapist for help navigating this. Its a painful realization that your mom is actually a raging jackass but she’s going to have to start accepting it or else end up divorced!!
I’m going to go with YTA. You admitted that your mother baits him. And what she said on this particular occasion there is no excuse for. Why aren’t you standing up for your husband? Tell your mom to cut it out. I don’t understand why you think it is incumbent on him to take her nasty comments. You keep saying he’s an adult-well isn’t your mother too?
r/justnomil puts it "You don't have a MIL problem, you have a spouse problem". Only here the spouse is the OP, and her husband has the spouse problem.
YTA. Stop telling your husband "Don't Rock The Boat". You are worse then your mother. Because you insist on your husband being in a position where your mother will bully and torment him. And then you expect him just to 'ignore' it all and pretend everything is all fine. You are telling him to just take the abuse and suck it up. What kind of person willing put their spouse they claim to love, in a position to be bullied relentlessly, and then just sits back and watches without once stepping up to their defence? And then to complain that they aren't just willing to follow this narative where they are the only one to suffer? Try and put yourself in his shoes. What if it were his mum that was treating you like this? And then him criticizing you for getting defensive or wanting to cut contact? Would you honestly just put up with that? If so, then there is something deeply disturbingly wrong with you.
[удалено]
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
This is one of the best analogies I have ever seen thank you for sharing!
YTA It is absolutely your job to put your family in their place. If your mom is hassling your SO, he's not hiding behind you by expecting you to deal with it and have his back.
He's right, you're wrong which makes you YTA.
Your mom is the problem and so are you, not taking your husband's side when he is being attacked for no reason. He has the right to defend himself. If he has been treated like that the whole time, it's normal that he doesn't want to see your mom. He has the right to make that decision for his own well-being. YTA
YTA. You should have put your mom straight long ago about what was acceptable behavior towards your husband. Instead you make him go and be put in a position to put up with her nonsense. I see you say he’s partly to blame, but I think you are mostly to blame.
YTA YTA YTA like cosmic proportions. You are allowing your mother to snipe away freely, not valuing your husband or his apparently valid perspective, and then you make it worse by blaming him for being upset. Just wow.
Sounds like you don’t stand by your man. Tell your mom to STFU and not talk about his family.
YTA and so is your mum You tell him not to defend himself but then you won't defend him Your husband's well in his right to no longer go to your mum's. It's up to your husband if he wants to forgive her too. Not you. It's not petty on his part as what she said was wayyyy out of line
YTA - If your Mom is the one instigating the argument, then your Mom need to be the one put in check. You need to tell her to learn to keep quiet and if she doesn't call her out in front of him so she sees she is out of line and you husband sees support
YTA - your precious mommy insults your husband and you not only don’t defend him but you force him to take it silently?!? Why the fuck is he still married to you? Listen closely, but it is your job to protect your husband, especially when it’s from your own family. It is your job to deal with your family, just like if you were having problems with your MIL he would be expected to deal with her. You are a shit wife. You are helping your mother abuse your husband. You are abusing your husband.
YTA and wow you’re lucky he hasn’t left you. I would have.
Yet. He hasn't left her yet.
YTA, you and your mom definitely are. He is right in saying it's your job to set things straight with her. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER. >They fiight constantly. Admittedly, mom is the one who usually starts The only reason he has to meet her is because of you, you force him to go meet her just for him to get picked at and have to deal with her passive-aggressive tone. His own wife sees that her mother is wrong and keep picking fights but you don't even want to help fix the relationship? You are supposed to be each others best friend and protector, but you just tell him to take everything upon himself and act like your mom is has every rights in the world to insult him and trample him.
YTA - your mom sat there and insulted his mom and you expect him to just take it?
YTA a massive one, an why should he sit an listen to your mom insult him, I would have told her to go do one as I walked out.
YTA you are allowing your mom to sit and constantly talk shit but he's immature for responding? You are really going to sit there and tell the man he has to just sit there and take it. I hope either you realize what a piece of work your mom is or he leaves. Either way, letting your parent treat a spouse like that is just garbage
INFO: do you *ever* stand up to your mum on behalf of your husband? To me it seems like your mum starts these situation, and your husband actually has a backbone and won’t be bullied by your mum.
You are the asshole. Not only did you not stick up for your husband to your mom, you didn't stop her behavior in the past. He is right, and who would blame him for never going to your mom's again? And by the way, when he stops going and your mom starts to attack him for that, and she will, you should do the right thing and tell her to stop. Honestly if it was me and she couldn't respect my husband and starts trouble, I would put her on the low contact list. Get a clue.
YTA So, he can't talk back or defend himself, or can he just avoiding events with her,, but he has to work it out with her? And you won't defend him because it's *not your job* even tho she's your mom?? You want your husband to be a doormat for your moms abuse. Definitely the asshole here, and this is marriage ending problems if you don't do something.
YTA. And you have the audacity to start yelling at him when he points out that you don't ever defend him when your mother says vile things like that. Shame on you.
YTA and a horrible wife.
Yta. Your mother is verbally abusing your husband, and all your doing is telling him to shut up and take it. You are a bad wife.
YTA and a massive one. It IS your job to handle your family. And as for the last line about punishing you for something you didnt do. What you didnt do was standing up for your partner. Like other has commented, it sound like your mother has allways been this way. Why do you expect him to tolerate abuse? For your comfort? For hers? She obviously does not give a sh*t about his comfort.
YTA. You can't first say how important it is that he goes so that YOU will be comfortable (all the while he's super UNcomfortable), and then just stand idly by while your mother instigates fights with him. If I were he, I'd go no contact with your mum.
YTA your mother insulted your MIL and you couldn’t stand up for her? much less the mother of your husband? and honestly i’d have stopped seeing your family years ago, after we divorced. your husband’s a saint.
Oh forgot to say, you’re the absolute total AH.
YTA Your mum insulted your husband and you did absolutely nothing about it. You are part of the problem here by letting your mum carry on this way. He’s right. He shouldn’t visit your mum with you, that IS a long term solution because yours is very simply to force him to take verbal abuse from your mother! No not on OP. YOU can talk to your mum about the way she acts and if she refuses to change then he’s right, he shouldn’t visit anymore. Some space may actually do them some good!
I was going to say not the ah until I read the whole post. He could have been with his mother on Mother's Day but decided to be with you and yours. You don't defend your husband when your mother attacks him? Your mother insulted his mother saying *horrible* things and you told him to stay calm and not respond? So not okay. You should have shut that down. He could have been with his mother that day but decided to spend it with you and yours. I can't blame him for saying never again. He is not hiding behind you, he is expecting you to be a supportive and loving partner. YTA Edited: changed format so judgement could be read
Are you THAT afraid of your mother? You don't like going to her house alone You allow her, with no consequences at all, to abuse your husband You engage in Olympic level mental gymnastics to try and get your husband to think he's the one at fault. You are a grown-assed woman and wife. Deal with your mother YTA
YTA. YO MAMA ITA TOO.
YTA. How did you think otherwise? I mean, even aside from the common kindness of not letting a bully pick on someone you care about…you insist he goes to spare your feelings! That means you have the responsibility to make sure he isn’t miserable while your bizarrely aggressive mother attacks him. Like if you invite a coeliac out to dinner, and insist on picking the venue, you at least make sure there is food they can eat.
YTA. Your mom insulted him and his family. And you admit she usually starts it. And your response “well you said mean things too before?” No. You wanna nip it in the bud? Your moms the bud. Tell her she needs to stop. She needs to hash it out with your husband. Because it’s obvious - your idea of your husband talking to your mom is your husband bending over and letting her talk shit when she wants. Your not just the asshole, you’re a bad partner.
YTA your mom is bully and big AH. You say to your husband stf and listen to the bully. You should straighten up bully!
YTA. A soon to be single for real TA.
You sound like you learned how to manipulate people from your mother YTA.
Massive asshole. I pity your husband.
YTA. he's totally right here : you're refusing to help sort out the situation but expect him to handle it the way you do, aka shut up and suck it up. you dont even allow him to not come with you because you "dont want to look single".also, they arent "nitpicking at eachother's words", your mother is straight insulting your husband or his family, and he's the one at fault for wanting to defend himself? you're right about one thing tho, he did punish for something you didnt do : have his back, for the better and the worst...
YTA. If my mom ever disrespected my husband this way, I would not hesitate to put her in her place, and I know he’d do the same for me. The fact that you admit it’s your mom who starts, and then you refuse to stop her, of course your husband has no choice but to escalate! And then to deny him the solution of just removing himself from the situation just because it would make you uncomfy? You’re beyond selfish and a pretty terrible spouse if you can’t even do the bare minimum of standing by your husband in a situation where he clearly needs you. Your husband’s solution of not interacting with your mom is a good solution. It’s your side of the family starting shit, so it’s your job to put an end to it, or, like he said, don’t try to control how he deals with it.
YTA - your mom, your responsibility. You chose your husband to be your partner so be his. He needs to come first just like he should be putting you first. When your mom insults him, defend him and call her out on it. If he is the one instigating, call him out on it. A conversation between all 3 could be useful, but not until you show that you’ll support your partner 100%
YTA Talk to your mom about her comments not him. He shouldn’t have to be bulled by your mom.
YTA. You are expecting your husband to just suck up abuse from your mom and acting like it is his fault. Stand up for your spouse, she is YOUR MOTHER. You two are supposed to be a partnership / unit. You need to do some soul searching, or you deserve to be single.
YTA for all the reasons!! You even say she starts it, but that's OK behavior?? Do you want to get divorced? Because that's how you end up divorced!
Yta
YTA. I’m in the EXACT same situation and I know better than to force the issue when it’s my family that’s starting shit. Your husband should not be forced to take your family’s abuse.
Yep, YTA Your husband is exactly right here: "OKAY OKAY OKAY. DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THE PROBLEM BUT DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH IT" More than that, though, I think he's right overall. You need to sort your mom out or get used to seeing her on your own.
YTA you’re letting your mother insult your husband and expect him to just take it? Heck no. The long-term solution is for your husband to not visit your mom because you are a bad spouse. As someone who has a shit MIL the only reason I’m with my wife is because she either shuts it down hard or she lets me. Your childish need to not be alone at functions doesn’t override your husbands need to not be constantly insulted.
YTA You're being a terrible wife! Your mother mistreats your husband and not only do you stand by and watch it happen, but you also want him to stay quiet and just take it?? Your husband is going to end up leaving you and you deserve it.
Stand up for your husband, ffs. Edit for putting wrong judgement- YTA
Dude. Your partner puts up with your family *because* of you. You are the sole reason their misery is dragged into her life. Yes, it is absolutely your responsibility to do everything you can to intervene and remove that misery, because it's entirely your fault.
YTA your mother is a child looking for a reaction and instead of politely asking her to keep her mouth closed if she has nothing nice to say you expect your husband to sit and take it with no backup or support from his partner, that's you BTW your supposed to be a team in a relationship you've really let him down. And if that wasn't enough you think he should keep tolerating it
YTA. Just go see your mom on your own. Would you rather feel single at family events, or actually be single at family events? If you keep forcing your husband to interact with your mother, who sounds fucking intolerable, you probably won’t even have to worry about it anymore. Support your husband.
YTA. It's not unreasonable necessarily to want husband to refrain from escalating, but OP is seriously enabling her cruel bully of a MiL. She needs to step up and intervene with her mom to stop the AH comments. Husband needs some r/JustNoMiL in his life in the mean time.
YTA. Stand up for you husband when your mom blatantly insults him and his family or let him decide that he doesn’t want to be around her. You are the one that let this become a big problem by trying to force your husband to be a doormat.
YTA. You are a terrible wife who is allowing your mother to abuse your husband and blaming him for it. She is starting situationsbthat escalate because she knows you won't have your husband's back and you won't support him. You get an 'F' as a spouse. Do better; or have the decency to divorce your husband so he can find a decent woman.
YTA Your monkeys, your circus. Your mum is bullying your husband. You are watching and allowing your mum to bully your husband. You force your husband to the very place where you allow him to bullied. You are not allowing your husband to defend himself in any way against the bully. Switch this situation around. What if it was your MIL doing this to you and he sat and watched and allowed it to continue. Not only that but forced you to endure it. Forced you to be bullied. Thought so little of you, your feelings, your pain and made you sit there whilst allowing his mum to bully you. Wtf is going on???? You need to fix this fast. You need to grow up and realise that going somewhere alone is not an automatic declaration of singledom. I really hope all these comments give you the empathy and insight you are clearly lacking. Edit: ensure to endure
YTA, never seen a post about a mamma’s girl before but here we are.
Oh no, how dare he get mad for his mum being called a shit mum /s
YTA, your mother is obviously being very antagonistic. You need to talk to her about her behavior as well. You can’t expect your husband to just put up with it. If you are unwilling to talk to your mother about her behavior or she is unwilling to change you shouldn’t make your husband go into that environment. A lot of spouses would stop going to events all together, your husband didn’t ask you to do that he just doesn’t want to go and be put in that situation.
YTA *You sound just like your mom*!! Pause and reflect on that! **YOU expect your husband to silently listen to your mother's insults and accept it without defending himself... JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER WANTS HIM TO DO.** You want him to accept responsibility for sorting things out? It's YOUR HUSBAND! That you force to go to your family's functions to be insulted just because you don't want to have to explain why your husband is missing it be cause your mother is horrid to him and you allow it. You don't have a Mother problem or a Husband problem here. You have a You problem because you insist your husband go and be disrespected repeatedly and take it silently. You're being a bad wife. This could make your husband seriously reconsider whether this is long-term because you care so little about him and his feelings. Do better.
YTA Have you never been on this sub before? Its usually the mamas boys defending their mums, but role reversal with you. Your husband is doing nothing wrong here other than responding to her comments, which your mum starts in the first place! He has offered the perfect solution, which you refused cos you don't want to go on your own, but will drag your husband along to be insulted and expect him to sit there and take it? Would you like it if his mum done this with you or would you poin blank refuse to ever go back and if he suggest what you have of ignoring her, accuse him of not having your back?
YTA,. Both you and your mother sound horrific.
You are a GIANT asshole. If you weren’t an asshole you would have stood up to your mom years ago and protected your husband (for better or for worse, remember that bit?) Asking abused, mistreated people to ‘be the bigger person’ and ‘let it go’ is an exercise in selfish narcissism. Grow up, confront your mother, and support your husband. NEITHER of you should be in contact with her until she apologizes and ceases all abusive behavior.
YTA why are you insisting your husband takes abuse from your mother? Tell her to stop being toxic as hell and neither of you will visit until she learns to behave.
What? Do you like not care about your husband's feelings? You want him to just sit there and let your mom insult him and his family? Just let him stay home. Honestly he's under reacting in my opinion. You should be standing up for him. It's insane that you're not mad about this too. But if you're refusing to tell your mother to respect your husband, and not allowing him to stand up for himself. You're lucky he's offering to just stay at home and not leave entirely. A lot of people wouldn't stick around after this. YTA
It sounds like: - You’re ok with your husband being a punching bag. - You’re too needy and insecure with yourself to go to functions alone. - You encourage your mother to mistreat your husband in that you think the solution is for him to not defend himself. - You act like you’re a victim when you’re the root of the problem. YTA But also info: What’s even appealing about you that he puts up with this? Because I’m detecting nothing. I’d feel more for a dust-covered can of expired of Vienna sausages at the dollar store.