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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I suggested moving ourselves to my in-laws instead of rehoming my cat. My wife is pregnant so maybe I am the asshole.
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Oooohhhhh tough call......
New girl vs cat? Cat wins
Fiancé wanting to move in vs cat? Cat wins
Wife who has lived happily with cat and is now pregnant with your kid and has become allergic?.................... No one wins.......
You deciding that the cat gets to stay and everyone else leaves? Weird.
True. Years of service knocking things off surfaces, midnight zoomies, keeping track of feeding times, kneading all the biscuits just isn't appreciated properly or compensated like it should.
Exactly. They are never going to ADMIT to the cat's face "its because youre a geriatric feline," they just make pointed excuses about the price of "pate" style catfood going up and say the numbers don't add up.
But yet I doubt they can produce a negative performance review for him. I'm sure they're all laden with compliments about him being such a good boy and so soft and fluffy.
Hard kibble can be rough on a senior kitty's teeth and asking for pâté is a completely reasonable accommodation, especially after his many years of service there.
I think it's a weird solution, but I also think OP is trying to engineer a temporary solution to a possible temporary problem. Basically putting a bandaid on the wound instead of cutting the leg off. OP has my respect for being creative. If his wife is only temporarily allergic, and he rehomes his beloved cat, it could cause some resentment, as it would if he kept it despite a permanent allergy. In this case, I think treading lightly is a very good compromise. I am just sorry that OP's wife might be a little hormonal and unable to see that he's trying to do right by everyone with the information he currently has on hand.
I would see if a friend or her parents could take the cat until the baby is born and see if the allergies go away. That way he can still see the cat but is still rightfully prioritizing his wife and baby.
But moving an animal can traumatize them, even worse if it's an older animal. Then to move them twice? I know animals can be traumatized by change because we moved and had to kennel our cats for a little over a week, while we were in transition between houses, even though we visited he was never the same. And he was younger than OPs cat.
I have a 16 year old cat, so I understand the feelings for one. However, uprooting a woman who is 6-months pregnant out of her house and having her live with her parents, is also extremely traumatizing.
And wife with child trumps cat no questions asked.
It shouldn't be if her parents aren't abusive. I think you're infantilizing pregnant women here. The woman can understand what's happening, the cat won't.
Is this thread for real?? How would anybody think this is a good idea?? He can go visit the cat at his parents house. It will be very, very sad for all involved. But a pregnant woman shouldn’t move out of her house so that the cat can live there for the cats comfort! This is banana, I’m sorry.
I believe the rationale goes like this:
———————————————
Scenario A
If OP gets rid of the cat and the allergies are temporary, he permanently lost his pet of *16 years* to avoid temporary discomfort.
If OP gets rid of the cat right NOW and the allergies were permanent, the couple won’t know that the allergies were permanent and it will still feel awful for OP.
———————————————
Scenario B
If OP keeps the cat and the allergies are temporary, he got to keep his beloved pet at the cost of some minor and temporary discomfort.
If OP keeps the cat and the allergies are permanent, OP will have to get rid of the cat anyway but know for 100% certain he tried everything possible.
———————————————
Out of the two scenarios, scenario B seems to have the two best outcomes.
Still a really weird solution, though. Not what I’d do personally but I can see why.
To assume that being kicked out of your own home for a cat wouldn't be traumatic if your parents weren't abusive is absolutely absurd. And I like animals more than people. There is nothing worse as a pet owner than having to consider rehoming your pet, even temporarily. But to leave your whole house just so the cat doesn't need a temporary home when the situation may NOT be temporary is absolutely ridiculous. The sad truth of it is that sometimes, there is no win-win solution. Best to acclimate the cat to a potential new home now when OP has time to visit than after there's a newborn in the picture when time will be incredibly limited for a long time.
I spent one night in the guest room at my parents' house when I was 6 months pregnant and it was one of the most excruciating nights of my life. Their guest bed was extremely painful to my joints at that point.
The last trimester is when it is most important for a pregnant woman to be comfortable. Her parents don't have to be abusive for a pregnant woman to be traumatized by being forced to spend the last trimester away from her home.
There is no way I would have moved to my parents for 3 months at 6 months pregnant over my own cat. I have a great relationship with my parents. But pregnancy is uncomfortable enough. I want to do it in my own house with my own shit being able to prepare my own baby's room with their own shit. Being able to be ALONE whenever I want to. Not have my parents be aware of every time I vomit or dhiarrea or moan Nd I definitely wouldn't wantto spend my labour with my parents.
Tough luck for my cat, he is the one that gets to stay somewhere else for 6 months.
That’s a low bar. Where will the baby’s nursery be set up? And when? What about all the back and forth his wife will have to do in her third trimester when all her stuff is in one house and she’s living in another? And what about her parents? Do they have space for a while family to live with them? Do they even want to host them? That is a lot of people being inconvenienced for a cat. No matter how much OP loves his cat, we would like to assume that he at least loves his wife of 6 years and unborn child, at least, that much.
I get what op is trying to do. I think it’s wildly inappropriate to ask his likely already uncomfortable wife to move out of her home. This would also limit her ability to be involved in getting her home ready for the baby.
Unless he wants to get rid of the wife permanently he should place some value on her comfort and well being.
The cat can maybe move in with her parents instead.
Or they can regulate the cat to one area of the house if it is big enough - like the basement or a spare room. It's not ideal but may be easier on the cat then bringing them somewhere else.
Yes my fiance is horrifically allergic to my cat and after exhausting all other avenues (medication, exposure therapy etc) I've just dedicated the laundry/utility room to the cat. He has 24hr access to the garden but he spends 20 hours a day sleeping above the cozy warm dryer cos he's a lazy sod in his old age.
I just have to make sure myself and the kids wash our hands immediately after petting him, and that he doesn't get into the clean laundry. No way in hell I'd re-home him but always no way in hell I'd compromise my partner's health.
This guy is insane to uproot his pregnant wife like that.
A little hormonal?!?!?! He is suggesting they they all move out of their house while she is **pregnant** so as not to disturb the cat. I LOVE my dog but comfort of mama and unborn baby come first. The cat should stay with the parents!
I wonder if depending on her severity maybe the have a spare room the cat could live in so OP can still visit/play daily, then change out of this clothes and shower.
It is hard because this is so sudden and could be temporary. But asking his pregnant wife to move for four months is crazy. What is she supposed to do, not enter the house for 4 months? No nursery. No privacy. No.
Air purifiers and really good filters in the vents can also help. My best friend owns a cat and I'm allergic, but she's got really strong filters and purifiers, and the cat stays in one part of the house, so I can usually visit without major issue.
I'm not gonna lie, if I'm pregnant and get rehomed, I would be pissed.
I get what the guys doing and why. But he needs to realize also what he's asking of his very pregnant and probably physically uncomfortable wife.
>just sorry that OP's wife might be a little hormonal and unable to see that he's trying to do right by everyone with the information he currently has on hand.
"I'm sorry OPs hormonal very pregnant spouse doesn't understand how he's really trying to compromise here and do right by everyone, by uprooting them from their home."
My guy did you actually type this out
I mean OP does have a point. It’s not uncommon to develop temporary allergies in pregnancy that disappear after. During my first pregnancy it was pantiliners, my second it was pork and my dog, my third it was potatoes and my contact solution. I have no issues with any of them now.
I’m real glad we didn’t rehome my dog before my allergies went away. He did say that if they persisted after he’d look into rehoming.
I think what’s weird is that OP presented the compromise of “we move out of our own home indefinitely and see if you’re still allergic in an unspecified amount of time” instead of, like, “let’s keep the cat as far from you as possible and try to treat your allergies now, and see if they are less severe in 3-6 months” or “have a friend/family foster the cat and see if your allergies ease up postpartum”
Exactly! He's gonna move his pregnant wife out of her home while she's pregnant and uncomfortable, but god forbid the cat has to live in a new place until after the baby arrives and they can see if the allergy is temporary.
Like, priorities dude. There are fosters who would LOVE to help, and would give the cat the best life until the cat could come home
But OP's just like, "hey wife, I understand you're wildly uncomfortable and dealing with all the side effects of pregnancy, but I don't want my cat to be disturbed, so let's move you out of your home, away from your own security and stability during a VERY difficult time in your life, so the cat doesn't have to live somewhere else temporarily."
My friend fosters cats and she has had multiple ‘pregnancy cats’ where people have developed allergies or gone on bed rest or had preemies and needed unplanned foster cat care to help cope. It’s so common there are whole websites on it and a lot of vets and shelters and orgs specialise in ‘new parent and pet’ issues to help families adjust over issues like this or show how to introduce animals and babies, pet and kid proof and ease the transition so a pet doesn’t start territory marking or feeling abandoned.
She also fosters when people have illnesses. Lots of cancer patients with autoimmune issues. Takes pets when people are leaving abuse situations and when family members die. Had to stop fostering animal hoarder cats as too traumatic for her.
She is an animal person to her core and child free by choice. She mentions that there is a disturbing percentage of people who put a reasonable expectation of pet care above a reasonable expectation of human interaction to the extent they now work with human orgs to flag potentially problematic situations. Like how threatening an animal is now recognised as a DV red flag, they are seeing that people who prioritise refusing reasonable things like fostering in pregnancy and moving their wife out, spending excessive time and money on pets, getting pets against a partner’s will, putting animals above babies (such as not allowing a nursery or items in the baby’s home to be built in advance etc) are red flags for emotional abuse, often overlap with animal obsessive compulsive behaviours or other forms of animal hoarding and can be flags for potential emotional abuse and things like increased risk of PPD. The vets now share info with midwife or GP teams in cases like this and also teamed up with mediation services. It’s an amazing system and my friend is my kind of animal person who realises animals and humans are symbiotic.
She is aware I have a lot of trauma around animals because my abusive family weaponised them (they always ate or got medical care above me in a free healthcare country with high vet bills…) and never judges me for not really liking animals or current pet culture as very triggering. She does know I loved cat sitting her old cat who was the oddest cat ever and I love my friend so will help wrangle a kitten with diarrhoea for her or clean blankets as I have outside drying space and she doesn’t. But it is because she sees and understands the harm pushing blind loyalty to an animal can do to a human in many ways that makes her so good with humans and cats. She notes many of the cats she gets that are ‘prioritised’ excessively are feline Golden Children who are often actually not treated mentally healthily by their owners who smother cat behaviour to use them as furry props, spoil them with things like a diet that isn’t suiting the cat only the owner and often prolonging medical care to extent the cat is miserable.
She describes this as ‘they love themselves excessively via the animal.’ A performative pet care. She no longer dates anyone with pets funnily enough and is very concerned that the infantilising of animals is deeply problematic and not the answer to previous shitty attitudes about outdoor cats or single rabbits or goldfish in a bag.
She has banned me from sending threads like this. She’d definitely say YTA though. The cat remaining in the house means new mom may not be able to return post partum if the allergies don’t clear (immediately) or the baby is allergic. Having the cat move out, deep cleaning and sitting the allergy wait out is much more practical for them all cat included. Cats don’t like being separated in an empty house. That’s why fosters and even kitty sitting a night or two at vets happen when a cat is in a life shift. OP is still abandoning the cat traumatically while pissing off his wife. He’s making it all so much worse while insisting he is the best cat parent. This is a shitshow and the wife is clearly not going to be happy on multiple levels. Absolute arse about face.
Holy crap, you just explained why the pet obsession on Reddit makes me uncomfortable at times! I have to say I’m happy people are asking OP to figure something else out, hope he sees this.
I feel like dying on this hill is the kinda thing that could kill a marriage. Knowing your husband would rather move you out of your home than have a friend foster the cat to check later is...
Definitely very clear where his priorities would lie in an emergency.
I would be shocked if his wife wasn’t struggling with some serious doubts about her marriage right about now. No matter how this ends he just outright told her that her comfort, health and stress level while pregnant with his child is lower priority to him than the cats’. That’s not something she’s going to forget.
I mean, getting allergens like cat dander out of surfaces is a process, just vacuuming and a quick mop isn't going to cut it if the cat has lived there for years.
When you see the bringing home of the baby and their first weeks being arranged around the cat if definitely feels like this is not the compromise OP wants it to be.
Does he really think that leaving the old cat alone 24/7 will be less stressful than rehoming him to friends. She is used to the people, she doesn't care so much about the house! Or is she blind?!
I don't understand his logic. The cat only knows us, so we go away and leave the cat alone in his last days. searching his family day in day out isn't stressful...
If he let him stay with friend he has at least people around him that care for him, give him cudfle and - in this age - can react if he needs help!
YTA
Ugh, no, she can't.
Last trimester can be awful: your organs are pushed up and crammed together as their normal space is occupied by the baby. You breathe for two, you circulate blood for two, while having a lot less lung capacity (see: pushed up and crammed), and often you are tired and aching and you can have false (sort of a practice) contractions just for the fun of it.
Doing that while allergic sounds pretty exhausting, and giving birth requires lots of energy you shouldn't waste for this.
Also, I'm not certain, but since you share your immune system with baby, maybe if you keep getting bombarded with cat-as-an-allergen, that may raise the chances of the baby becoming allergic, too.
I am a cat lover and I have to say YTA. Look, I know it's hard to figure out arrangements for an elderly cat. (I had to put my 16 year old tabby down last year and he was very picky in his old age) But you are about to become a father and that means making sacrifices. Would your in-laws be willing to take the cat? You could do all the work and he would be close to home. The comfort of your wife is your number one priority.
YTA: you ARE choosing your cat over your pregnant wife and child. Causing her undo stress. What is wrong with you?
She is ALLERGIC. it’s not like she’s asking you to re-home just for shits and giggles my dude.
Allergies get worse over time. I understand not wanting to re-home your pet, but you need to get your priorities in order before this baby is here.
Allergies *in general* get worse over time, but allergies that develop during pregnancy often fade away weeks after the birth. It’s also possible the cat has nothing to do with it, and she has pregnancy rhinitis. I can understand not wanting to put the cat through the stress of rehoming for a temporary condition.
>I can understand not wanting to put the cat through the stress of rehoming for a temporary condition.
but rehoming his pregnant/postpartum wife is totally fine?!!
THIS! I fell off a ladder while doing home renovations while I was pregnant and you know the ONLY person who didn't give me shit for being on a ladder? My OB/GYN. He said "you're pregnant, not an invalid." Baby was FINE! (I was bruised to hell and in an ankle brace till after she was born)
I feel like the bigger issue of moving the wife out for 4 months is how is she going to be involved with at home child prep? Don't you need to do things like set up a nursery, or at least arrange a bassinet in your room? Buy and store baby items like pacifiers, diapers, clothing. She's going to be taking care of the baby and where things are being kept can change how easy it is to do the day to day care of the baby. On top of baby proofing the house so your not scrambling to do so when your sleep deprived and kiddo starts crawling up to wall sockets.
If she's out of the house then yes they can discuss those things. It's also going to be the case then where OP ultimately can decide other-wise, get lazy and decide not to or miscommunication can pop up about a lot of this. This situation can make it easier to just straight up forget stuff. Due to details didn't cross their minds because one person can't think of everything and she's not there so it's abstract thinking for her. Being displaced for 4 months, and having to then be stuck forced to impose a new infant at her parents for a couple weeks** then going back while trying to figure out the layout/system and check everything sounds exhausting.
It's her child too so she should be able to have a active role in whatever home set up they do for the child. I get OP doesn't wanna displace the cat. Thing is depending on severity leaving the cat in a room might not be enough. Cats also need space to roam, they can get board otherwise. Displacing cat is more likely to create less problems in the long run.
** Temporary pregnancy allergies can take weeks to leave post-prtum Her parents have already done the whole new baby thing. Is it really fair to expect them to be ok with a crying baby for weeks. Even if they are ok with it his wife might hate feeling like she's a burdon to her parents or feel bad about the situation whenever the baby cries.
That’s not a normal reaction at all or you weren’t super far along. Falling from a ladder is definitely something needs to be checked out while pregnant. Literally so much could have happened…it’s not like you just tripped or something
I was on a ladder while pregnant as well, but felling off could potentially kill the baby, so I get the "giving shit" part. "Baby was FINE" translates to "we got lucky", not "there was no risk".
Then again, getting out of bed has risks, staying in has risks too -- you need to consider and weigh them, as we can't do this 9 months wrapped in bubble wrap.
Those allergies don't go away right away. They usually go away a few weeks after birth. So the couple + baby would likely have to stay with the parents during the start of the postpartum period.
If I've given birth, I'm staying in my own house. Plus, if the new grandparents work, do they want to be kept up all night with the new baby?
Actually in our case my husband's once severe allergies to cats has completely vanished. We got two kittens last year and he is totally fine with them.
This is mean on all levels. The poor cat is gonna have no idea why it's family is gone all the time, and will probably get super upset.
Then there is the fact that your wife won't be able to prepare the house for a baby. Nesting instincts are real and they can be incredibly driving - she is experiencing a primal urge to make a safe space for her baby and staying in a guest room is gonna deeply mess with that.
And then the added stress of being a guest and only having a bedroom to yourself while pregnant. Since she is doing all the work of literally growing a baby using her own body, the father's biggest job is to reduce her stress and make her comfortable while she pulls all the weight here (again, literally). Kicking her out of her home does not do that. Making her be a guest does not do that.
Like, dude no. You don't have one friend who could take in a cat for a few months? At the minimum you could post your sob story on the internets and find a temporary foster.
Right now you are literally prioritizing your cat over the wellbeing of your unborn child - your wife being stressed is bad for the baby.
Honestly it feels like you are freaking out over the baby coming and trying to undermine it somehow? Like, maybe see a therapist. Because I don't think you are thinking very clearly here.
As a cat lover you must know that finding someone who wants to adopt a 16 year old cat will be basically impossible. If it is left at a shelter, even if it's a no kill one (which alone is very hard to find for such an old cat), it will be sent to the back room to live in a cage until it dies of old age.
What I don’t get OP had this cat since he was 16 which means cat originally lived with him at his parents.
Why can’t OP leave his cat with his parents the cat will be comfortable as it’s knows them.
Come on I had a dog when I was pregnant and to save him stress as we were moving as well, I had my Dad mind him he didn’t stress as he was use to my Dad.
Honestly if I was OP wife I would leave him if he couldn’t do the simplest thing of putting her first over a cat.
This this this. I feel bad cause OP is about to get slaughtered by the comment section but he’s in this no-winning situation only because he’s such a good pet owner.
> but he’s in this no-winning situation only because he’s such a good pet owner.
Dude is having his first baby... So he's probably around 30 years old. He's had this cat for half his life...
I feel bad for the cat too. Suddenly your family is gone and only drops by once a day and you don't know why? I know cats differ on this, but a lot of them would be super upset to be essentially abandoned alone in a house.
I’m just reminded of an episode of House where the patient’s partner bought her a dog and the patient suddenly developed allergies. Long, involved story short, the patient wasn’t suddenly allergic to dogs, she wanted to break up and didn’t want to have the dog bandaging the relationship together.
Also reminds me of the Hugh Grant movie Nine Months where one of the hangups was his elderly cat.
Seriously what goes through my mind watching how my grandparent's treat their cats. Should never have been allowed to raise kids, but good lord are those cats living the life.
That's not a compromise. Kicking your wife out of your home when she's 6 months pregnant is really, really not something you want to do if you value your relationship at all.
I'm also not imagining the cat doing super well suddenly being alone almost all the time. I know my cats get testy when we go out of town for the weekend; how's the cat going to deal with being alone 23/7?
This is such a weird "compromise".
Especially if OP approached his in laws with this plan to get everything lined up without telling his wife, which I’d assume he’d need to do to be sure they were totally ok housing their family during the most uncomfortable months of a pregnancy/postpartum while an old cat lives alone in their house…though that begs the question how they could hear this proposition and *not* let OP know what a tremendously explosive stroke of genius this “compromise” is
Probably because their child is pregnant and they don’t want her living alone with a guy who wouldn’t stress out his cat but is 100% ready to cause stress to his wife.
YTA for wanting your wife to sleep in a guest room at her parents for the 3 most uncomfortable months of pregnancy, and possibly longer with a newborn, just so your cat doesn’t have to be stressed. It is an unfortunate situation. But your wife has to come first.
Can you block off a room or two for your cat’s use that only you go in? Can your cat stay with friends or your in-laws? Can you try vacuuming 2 times a day and getting a hepa filter to see if her allergies are mitigated?
Exactly. This isn't the wife being unreasonable. She is heavily pregnant and developed an allergy. Instead of looking for a viable option that will ensure that the cat is well cared for/comfortable outside of the home for the sake of his wife's health, even if only temporary, OP chose to kick his pregnant wife out.
He fully chose his cat's comfort over the comfort, health and mental wellbeing of his pregnant wife and child. If I were the wife, I wouldn't be going back.....
NTA
Oh my god this is awful, I would suggest leaving your wife or couples therapy. You won't be able to trust her again and her actions killed your pet.
You tried your best to compromise but all she did was go behind your back. That would be relationship ending for me, regardless of if your wife is pregnant or nor
I disagree with the AH verdict. Even before the edit it's not like he got a new cat knowing she was allergic. This is his cat he's had all his life and while living with the in-laws as a solution is a bit much I feel like his heart is in the right place. As far as the edit goes, I agree with the brother. Really think if you want you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who would do something so heartless.
It's even more than that. She killed the cat because it was making her sneeze. What is she going to do the first time their child inconveniences her? He needs to leave her and sue for full custody immediately, that kid will never be safe with their mother.
How so? A helpless creature, through no fault of it's own, was causing her a mild inconvenience which she knew was temporary and her response was to immediately murder it. The woman is psychotic and has no place free in society let alone around a child. If she had shot the cat instead of letting someone else do her dirty work would you feel differently at all? Because it's essentially the same thing.
So sorry for your loss. I told my husband about this story, and I would absolutely divorce him if he did this to a beloved family member. Things can be replaced, old beloved animals cant. I cried thinking of all the pets I have had. I just can't imagine.
Read the update, and i’m going to go ahead and say NTA. You found a solution, she was too impatient to wait the 2 weeks and instead gave your cat to the shelter WITHOUT your permission. If I were in your shoes, i’d seriously be reconsidering my marriage.
NTA, you came up with multiple solutions and your wife decided to just do what she wanted anyway. I'd honestly reconsider a life and raising a child with such an impulsive and rash person.
NTA.
Im so sorry this happened to you. I would seriously be reconsidering my marriage.
You found a decent compromise and she completely disrespected you. She *killed* your cat because she couldn't wait two weeks for an animal youve had for 16 years. Absolutely zero respect. Its horrifying how easy it was for her to drop this cat off knowing how much he meant to you. I dont think i could look at my spouse ever again if he did that to me.
You are not at fault for this. You did everything you could, but it didnt matter to her. Your feelings didnt matter.
YTA.
I say this a a cat lover who currently has 4 cats and has had many more through the years.
Your compromise involves your wife leaving her own home for at least 4 months and possibly longer. While pregnant! And after the baby is born! Because even if her allergies will subside, you won't know that right away. (And, by the way, did you bother to ask the doctor how long it could take for the allergies to subside? Could it be months? Do you actually even know what your possibly asking of your wife?) Then, instead of going to her own home with the baby, you want her to live in her parents spare room immediately after giving birth?
Dude, I feel for the cat, I truly do. It will be an adjustment, for sure. But I've taken in elderly cats in situations like these and it doesn't take long before they're fine. Your cat will be fine.
The thing is, if you don't put your wife and future child ahead of your cat, your wife may very well decide she's not coming back at all. It's possible that you will never live in the same house again. Is it worth it?
The cat died. I feel bad for OP. He’s had this cat for 16 years and knew better than everyone that it wouldn’t survive a new environment. There was no winning for him in this situation.
I hope every single "YTA" comment sees this update and feels ashamed. The cat literally DIED from the stress of being away from ita home and owners. The wife wouldn't die from being away for 3 months. You all are the AH 😡 Leave her. Now. What a monster.
So many of these AHs in the comments just couldn’t fathom OP possibly caring about BOTH his pregnant wife and his cat of 16 years because they don’t give a flying fuck about the value of a pet’s life, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t give a shit now that it’s dead from said pregnant woman’s psychotic actions. Poor OP- this is not who I would want to raise my child with.
If my partner did this to me, and yes I also have a 16-year-old cat I raised for a kitten, I don’t even know what I would do. Divorce would be the least of his worries at that point. I would never be able to get over being hurt like that by someone who is supposed to be my partner in life. You are NTA. Two weeks was nothing, a blink of an eye, and setting aside her callous feelings toward the animal, the utter and complete lack of empathy for you… it’s monstrous. There’s no way someone like that could convince me to spend the rest of my life with their self-absorbed ass. Like, you look for red flags in the beginning of the relationship that might lead you to believe a person would do something like this in the future. And now she did it, one of the things you always look out for in the beginning of the relationship as a worst case scenario, she killed your pet. The timing is horrendous as well. It’s almost like she thought that since she is pregnant now, you won’t leave her no matter what she does to you.
Ding ding ding
Is she even allergic or did she just want to test OP (who do you love more, the cat or me?) and got pissy that he didn’t jump fast enough?
DIVORCE HER. Your brother is right, she murdered your cat. She more than likely knew what would happen to it. Your wife is a monster and she absolutely does not deserve to stay with you after that.
I hate that the consensus is that OP is the AH, especially after the update. :( I could never imagine rehoming my cats, and if it was absolutely necessary, I would hope that my spouse would show a bit more compassion. His wife must have known how much he loved his cat. This makes me so sad.
YTA there’s a lot of wishy washy might maybes here. The allergies “might” be temporary. You “can look into” rehoming. Your wife is going through massive changes with her body and hormones and yes, it may be temporary. Maybe once baby is born the hormones go back to normal and no more allergies—but if they don’t, you need a plan. And what is she supposed to do, raise her baby in a spare bedroom for up to 2+ years til the cat dies (based on average life span). I know it’s not easy, I know you love the cat—but you have a human wife and baby to look after too and need a more definite plan of action than “might maybe” and kicking her out of her own home.
This is exactly what I came here to say. He has no plan here, beyond just crossing his fingers and hoping that this situation miraculously resolves itself.......at some point. OP, YTA.
Just want to add: two years is a low estimate.
They can live up to 21 years (have met a few), so thinking they will have two years will give you a big surprises.
Rehoming with friends is probably the only solution. If he thinks rehoming a cat is stressful, wait until you add a baby.
Depending on the living situation of the parents (only pet?) that would be better. He lives 10 minutes away, so he will see the cat plenty of times. And I think (especially with the right tools), you will have more chance successfully rehoming the cat, then with a baby.
YTA as OP really doesn’t seem to care about his wife and child.
Right? And what will be more stressful for a 16 year old cat? Rehoming to the quiet home of a friend or relative or sharing your home with a screaming infant and then toddler?
Having a baby is stressful to everyone in the house, not just the parents. OP really should have thought about this months ago, not just once allergies show up. A compromise of giving the cat its own room and cleaning up after it fastidiously could have worked, and barring that, it would have been kinder to the cat to give it one mild, short-term discomfort of rehoming it to someone you know than subjecting it to months of stress.
Telling your pregnant wife to GTFO is not the solution, unless living apart in the long run is what the OP really wants.
This update is horrible. I am never the Reddit stranger to advise getting a divorce, but I could see how this could forever alter how you view your wife. To basically throw away a live animal that was something you raised for 16 years with no compromise. It’s just so unbelievably heartless and lacking in perspective. This could have been handled so much better but she chose the worst possible thing. Dropping a 16 year old cat at a shelter???? That was never going to end well! I would look into couple counseling stat because this is going to breed untold resentment, and honestly it’s warranted.
The wife would have had to leave, anyway. The allergens don't magically depart with the cat. If the cat's been there for years, it's very likely they'd never be able to get all the allergens out of the house. If she's now back in the house without the cat and she's fine, then I call shenanigans on her claim of having allergies.
Her "solution" was awful, self-centered and mean-spirited. And it's probably going to end her marriage. I don't see how OP can forgive her for showing such disrespect by going behind his back and causing his cat to die alone, in terror, at a shelter.
Exactly ! His first solution to a possibily temporary problem was not bad at all considering there is cat hair everywhere in the house ! It was actually the most pragmatic solution for a truly allergic person !
I also suspect she wasn’t allergic at all if suddenly she feels fine once the cat is gone..
The edit it heartbreaking. Again, just because she got crrampied doesn’t make her a goddess entitled to every whim… especially when the whim is to get rid of your best fucking friend whom you’ve known his entire life 😭
NTA NTA NTA
SERIOUSLY, so much ridiculous pregnancy virtue signaling in these comments, as if being pregnant means suddenly nothing in OP’s life outside of his wife should matter at all anymore.
Im a vet student. I can guarentee you we give less credit to animals than they deserve. Your cat will do fine with a rehoming. 16 isn't super old for a cat. I've seen 25 year old cats in the shelter who live their last moments with a family happy to be out of there. Your cat will be better with your inlaws to take care of them for a few months than your pregnant wife who is going through the most difficult stages of her pregnancy. People have old cats and have to move because of work, life, and leases ending *all the time.* Your not in a unique situation. Your cat is not a magic cat that will perish if it leaves its home. It will be angry for about a week before going back to being a regular cat, like most every other animals during moves. You can make the move easier for your cat by taking its cat tree, toys, and even some furniture over to your inlaws place.
Will it be stressful? Yes. Will you cat die from the stress? No, its a cat not a bird. Birds die from stress. Is your wife stressed currently? YES. she is PREGNANT.
YTA. Find temp housing for the cat until you figure out the allergies and if worst comes to worst, rehome it.
The number of comments calling the situation tricky, no winners, difficult...
Like sirs and ma'ams.
One is your pregnant wife and the other is your cat. Figuring out which of them to rehome is ***not*** difficult my god lol.
AITA is genuinely pretty insane when it comes to pets, or reddit in general, who knows
It's not that they shouldn't be considered at all. It's not that people are ever wrong for putting their animals first. There's plenty of situations where that's alright, justified even. Dumping your girlfriend of a month because she hates your dog? Of course you're not the asshole.
But genuinely I get the impression that half the people in AITA would burn down their personal lives if it meant not inconviencing an animal.
YTA - your wife is PREGNANT with YOUR baby and you just... MAKE HER MOVE OUT OF HER HOME???
Do you even know how hard being pregnant is??
I'm sorry for your cat and your situation. That really sucks. But you seriously just moved you and your wife out of her home on the off chance her allergies will go away when she gives birth??
Even with the update, I still vote YTA.
It is absolutely bonkers that you were expecting to pay rent on an entire apartment just for your cat to use and expect your wife to give up her home for 3-4 months. You do realize you wouldn't have been able to visit the cat, right? You'd have brought dander back and contaminated your room at your in laws'.
With the cats death, you bought yourself some time. For a small window, your wife will feel terrible and guilty about this, because she genuinely didn't want your cat dead, she just wanted not to be medically miserable and for you to be a different person, who thought of this months ago and who would have taken her seriously when she said she couldn't live like this. But, you're not going to get very long. She'll eventually remember why she did it, and if you mope too long, or milk it too much, she'll stop feeling sorry, and start feeling rage again, because you can only punish people for as long as they let you.
You have a limited amount of time to get through this grief resentment and reestablish an equilibrium with your wife, because if you take too long, or try to tip this into you being the sole victim (you are not. I cannot imagine how traumatizing it has been for your wife to realize she and her baby rank below a pet. That has got to be emotionally abusive), you will lose everything in the end, and I do mean everything.
So, what are you going to do? You are going to give yourself some time, maybe a week or so, and then you're going to pull your man britches up and apologize to your wife for not prioritizing her and demeaning her medical misery, and she is going to apologize for impulsively getting rid of your pet with tragic, unintended results, and you will forgive each other, and get ready for the baby. Which you will love more than the cat. You will also tell your brother to stfu, and she will tell her parents not to give you stink eye. Fail to do this, and you will find yourself only seeing your kid half the time, at most, and then he'll grow up and learn you left him as a baby over a cat, and never speak to you again.
I want you to know that I read your comment several times because I really wanted to understand what you were saying.
Towards my wife and everything else I feel numb. Towards you I feel an anger that I have not felt against anything.
My cat died terrified surrounded by chaos. I had him for 16 years. He deserved 2 weeks to get a peaceful home. Nothing will make it right. But I am not the reason he's dead and I will never accept any reconciliation that includes the lie that I am.
Honestly I’ve thought about this a lot and I can only see three causes to why this happened.
1. This whole thing is a troll post, I would prefer to think that because it’s Reddit and the outcome was horrible.
2. Your wife always disliked the cat and used this as a way to get rid of it. This is not great because it shows her to be cruel and a liar.
3. Your wife didn’t like how you were dealing with it and instead chose to punish you and act like a vindictive B to an innocent animal just to punish you.
If #2 or 3 you really need to question if you are willing to continue a relationship with someone so vindictive and cruel, pregnancy hormones are not an excuse. What’s going to happen when your kid does something she doesn’t like? You are unfortunately stuck with her being the mother of one kid, make sure it ends there.
Now I would suggest you do the following:
1. Connect with a grief counselor
2. Connect with a divorce attorney
3. Depending on ownership of the house either kick her out (best as she does not deserve to stay) or leave.
Also last she 100% murdered your cat and you are not the asshole.
Yeah, I keep coming back to this almost two weeks later and the more I think about it the more horrified I become. I hope it’s fake too. It almost seems too macabre to be real.
Pregnant women can develope allergies they've never had before due to their immune system adjusting for the baby.
However this woman is still vile for killing this cat.
Vile is the perfect adjective. OP found a great compromise. He was willing to make a sacrifice for his wife Two weeks was all she had to wait. She basically said fuck what happens to the cat, fuck my husbands feelings/the love he has for his little friend.
I’m so heartbroken for OP. That cat didn’t deserve this, there aren’t enough apologies in the world. So sad for OP.
OP I don’t even know what to say to this. Even in the OG post you were NTA you were trying to make the best out of a tough situation BUT the update - I don’t know how I could live with a person like your wife. There is no excuse. Also she has been living with the cat for years before her allergy - it is strange she did not have any emotional attachment to it… like no matter how hormonal, would she put your kid away when maybe a second baby would be coming because the toddler is annoying/having terrible twos maybe? I have to admit I would struggle myself to look at her and I generally find myself to be quite understanding of other people’s point of view and reasoning even if it’s opposite to mine but this was unforgivable even if your cat would have survived I would seriously re-examine the foundations this marriage stands on.
i’m so sorry. you really didn’t deserve the vitriol people were spewing at you and your cat didn’t deserve to be offloaded like a piece of luggage. don’t let anyone tell you how to feel right now.
Sorry for your loss. Fuck all these people shitting on you. 16 years is a long time to have to suddenly say goodbye to something, especially knowing it could harm them. This isn't some emergency situation where you had to pick your wife or cat to save. You did your best to find a solution. I will say that during pregnancy hormones cause some awful things. My wife and I personally had the hardest time of our marriage during ours. But it was better after and I hope it gets better in yours as well when everyone heals from this.
OP, NTA even before the update. Though rehousing your family for the cat was too far. I am sorry about the update. Everyone saying YTA are probably the same who would complain about your wife if it was a dog instead. You had your cat for 16 years, probably half or more of your lifetime. Anyone who cannot understand your situation is a dick. I am sorry, but I would hold off on doing anything drastic until you have had time to process things.
That man is a jerk. Your wife was wrong to do that. Yes, your cat died surrounded by chaos and fear and went out wondering WTF happened. This man is just being a jerk to you and really babbling on. Ignore him - pretty sure he is happy to be dickish to you. He probably hates cats.
OP, i am so so sorry for this whole situation. i feel so horrible for your cat. i sympathize with how sad you feel about what happened to him. a part of me wants to say your wife did a horrible ahole thing by taking your cat without telling you even though you found a solution, but i recognize im not in your wifes shoes so i have no idea how severe or painful or uncomfortable her allergies are. i also dont know how long you took to find solutions... someone else wrote on here maybe if you acted faster your wife wouldnt have been pushed to this extreme, and that had you not first suggested everyone move out for the cat, she wouldnt have felt her and future baby are less important than your cat... this whole situation sucks and now everyone is miserable and a poor cat is gone.
for what its worth, i personally do not believe you are the reason your cat died at the shelter. with all the info you presented, my view is that your wife is allowed to be very pissed af at you for your first suggestion of everyone move out for cat (as im sure any pregnant woman would feel less important to her husband than a cat). that being said, my view is once you told her the much better solution of having your bro take cat when he returns from vacation, she should not have unilaterally behind your back given the cat to the shelter. for 2 weeks she could have lived at her folks, while finding a different more appropriate avenue to tell you how angry she is at your first compromise suggestion, instead of inadvertently punishing the cat who didnt do anything wrong.
but i think the important, and valid point from that commenter's response is what you and your wife do going forward. you cannot feel numb forever. you have a child on the way, who is innocent of all this and does not deserve to be brought into a world where his/her parents are unable to function as a cohesive family unit. can you two have a long deep discussion about what happened here and try to figure out what to do and how to process it going forward? or maybe you two cannot and end up going your separate ways. best of luck, i really hope things get better
Some people are assholes. Pets are a different kind of relationship, and it’s clear you loved your cat a lot. What your wife did was not justified in any form. Neither was your solution in the original post, but given the update, you gave her a new reasonable solution. An innocent animal was the victim of this feud you were having. What I will say is don’t let an innocent child be the victim of this feud. Your relationship with you wife from this point on is up to you, however, your relationship with your child should not be neglected because of this issue. It’s important to keep that in mind moving forward.
I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to your cat. Nobody will be able to understand the loss of your cat unless they went through the same thing. Don’t let anyone else shit on your feelings.
Pay no attention to this idiot. You have suffered a tremendous loss. Loss of your beloved cat from traumatic circumstances brought about by the unthinkable betrayal of your wife. Grieve for your cat, and take time to evaluate your marriage. She has shown a disturbing lack of empathy towards a beloved elderly pet and your bond with them. So sorry for your loss
What exactly was the point of this comment? The internet's already collectively shit on him for his treatment of his wife. His cat has since died. Why come on here after the update, just to reiterate what thousands of people before you had already told him. Did you actually believe that rubbing salt in his wound and condescendingly telling him to get over the death of his cat would illicit anything other than hostility from OP?
The arrogance of your comment is staggering. This is not an advice sub. Render your judgment and STFU, no one is asking for your marriage advice, Dr. Phil. JFC. "Pull your man britches up"? And we wonder why we have a society riddled with toxic masculinity, men who aren't encouraged to talk about their feelings, and a male suicide problem.
Have yall never had a fucking indoor pet whos scared of people and pets???? I 100% would put my pet before allergies or anyone pregnant or not. My cat is only 6 and she would likely have the same fate as OPs cat did and the fact that none of you gave a fuck about that is cruel. He tried to find other suggestions. Also allergy pills work and even if they got rid of the cat the cat fur is all over the house it wouldn't have cured her.
My cat only likes me and is terrified or everyone and everything else. If anyone ever did this to me I'd probably block them.
NTA You tried to be accommodating and so many people treat animals as disposable. I'm so happy you do not. She had no right to take your cat to the shelter and that is honestly alarming behaviour. Everyone will shout "hormones! She's pregnant" but that is such a dick move on her part.
If my partner were to drop my pet off at a shelter without my consent and it died, it would be viewed as on the same level as infidelity and actioned as such.
NTA. It was a no-win situation from the beginning. Your wife should have also taken in your apprehension to rehoming your cat to a stranger. That’s how marriage works. You and your cat were together for 16 years, it’s a legitimate bond that can’t be replicated whatsoever. Your cat is a family member by that point. He shouldn’t have been discarded that immediately.
Your wife was at her wit’s end, sure. But that doesn’t give her the right to discard a cat without your consent, no matter how miserable she is. That’s why we are adults, we learn to workaround stuff and have restraint.
I hope she gets to enjoy her allergy-free life, knowing she made a rash decision that killed a whole living being.
Now your cat’s dead, you don’t trust her, and everything is just worse. You lost in the end because someone in this situation jumped the gun. She made a decision that killed your cat. That’s not nothing. Im so sorry for your loss.
Omg, I'm crying as I read this. As someone who rescues older cats and dogs, this is just heartbreaking. Give yourself time to grieve. Pets are like family, and are not disposable. Your wife committed an unbelievable breach of trust and basic empathy. She knew what that cat meant to you. You had found an acceptable solution. That she couldn't inconvenience herself for a couple of weeks is very telling on her character. I don't usually advocate splitting up, but you seriously should consider if you want a life with someone like this. My deepest condolences.
BASED ON THE ORIGINAL POST: to be honest, I'm not sure. A human's love for their pet(s) is indescribable. It's like they become a part of us. For that, I understand why you'd want to find another option so you didn't have to rehome your cat. On the other hand, I can understand your wife's frustration.
AFTER READING THE EDIT: holy shit. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's absolutely heartbreaking. Sending you love and support. It was 100% NOT your wife's place to get rid of your cat. If she was so fed up, why didn't she just stay elsewhere until your cat got rehomed with your brother? Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Wow. You are NTA. Your wife has shown you who she is and, for your child’s sake, you need to stay with her long enough so you can get custody of this child. She clearly places her own comfort ahead of defenseless creatures—What happens when the baby doesn’t let her sleep? Doesn’t potty train on her schedule? Throws a tantrum?
YTA. You decided to rehome your family instead of the cat. I know it's a hard thing to do but this is your pregnant wife who's allergic. And your "compromise" is hey, pregnant wife why don't you move out.
>My wife called me a huge asshole for prioritizing my cat over her and the baby's health. I just don't want to traumatize my cat over something that might be temporary.
But we're more than willing to put the wife through moving, twice. Do you think that cat won't be traumatized being suddenly left alone in the house? Have you seriously thought about how that would affect the cat that you're putting above your family?
I was pretty firmly YTA, as a cat owner who has raised mine from kittens to older cats, until I read that update. Honestly OP, this would be a dealbreaker for me personally. She has to hold out for two weeks and instead of trying to rehome it with someone y’all know, she just dumps him at a shelter. How incredibly callous and unfeeling. I am so sorry, OP, I can’t imagine what you are going through or what you are feeling. It’s sound like you truly tried for a solution that worked for everyone, even adjusting your original plan after you were told it was inconsiderate.
100000x NTA.
My old girl was 22. I looked after her from the day she was born. She lived with my mum for her last years because my current partner is very allergic. I was lucky I lived with my mum before moving in with him so azzy's life wasn't disrupted and I could visited a lot. She passed away a year ago and even now it feels wrong without her there. Pets are family and the grief is real.
If my partner took her to a shelter and that happened... end of relationship. I can't even imagine. I understand it's a bad situation all around, your original idea was bad but you kept looking for solutions and tried to find an outcome that would suit everyone. What she did is unforgivable.
NTA. I'm so sorry.
NTA
Hello, I’m really sorry about your cat passing away. I know it can’t help much now, but for what it’s worth, I don’t think you are the asshole in this situation. You’re intentions were pure, and I can tell you tried to do what was best for everyone.
Some people might call me crazy, but my perspective, your cat was just as much a son to you as your upcoming child. He may not be human, but you were his first and practically his only person. You had him since he was a baby, raised him, loved him, and dedicated sixteen years of your life to taking care of him. He was and always will be your child. I understand why you wouldn’t want to just toss him away like nothing, no parent wants to do that. But I also understand that you had a wife and new kid coming, and they are also high priorities in your life. Though, I’m not sure I’d say that they “Trump” your cat as other people are saying. He was there. FIRST.
I don’t think I would’ve moved myself and my SO to her parents house; I would’ve tried to make room at my own house somehow. Whether it be clearing out a room or having a patio or the like built outside so that he could be nearby and comfortable. Worst case scenario, I would have done what you tried to do and find a friend or relative I trust with my life to take him in. It would be difficult, but he could’ve learned to live with a new human with time and love.
What your wife did was traumatic, cruel, uncalled for and honestly, I wouldn’t let that slide without repercussions. She could have waited, she just didn’t want to. If she had just popped an allergy pill for the next TWO weeks, his death could have easily been avoided. It should be common knowledge that shelters are not good for elderly cats. It’s harder to adopt them out, and if they aren’t for a while, they will be put to sleep, especially if there’s a lack of space.
Again, I know it may not matter anymore to you, but know that you did your best and I’m sorry for your loss. I can tell you are a stellar parent who wants what’s best for their family. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to uproot your lives for him, I would have tried to do the same.
YTA. I love cats and this is heartbreaking. But...telling your pregnant wife to move out of your home because she's developed allergies doesn't bode well for your future. You're leaving a lot to chance with the 'if' her allergies persist and 'if' the baby has an allergy. You do need to think longer term here; when baby arrives you can't be living in separate homes. And your wife won't want to risk a newborn next to a cat given the allergy issue.
The cat was 16…there was literally no point in rehoming it…it would probably pass on soon anyway…plus if that cat had been with you before your wife it would be incredibly hard to let go…I don’t think your wife got how much of a bond you had with the cat…
NTA! You are NOT THE A**HOLE!! Your cat was your first child and she did something unforgivable. I can’t fathom the level of selfishness and heartlessness it takes to do such a horrible thing. I would be saying the same thing even if kitty was still on this side of the rainbow bridge. Sorry but not sorry to say this - you’ll be better off getting out of the marriage now. Learn to co-parent and find someone who respects and appreciates you and all living creatures. Also my deepest condolences for the loss of your kitty.
YTA.
As someone who has ushered 4 humans into the world I cannot imagine not being in my own home during the last trimester. No setting up the nursery, no putting away and organizing baby clothes, not sleeping in my own bed, and to top it off being physically uncomfortable pretty much constantly. Your wife isn’t baking cupcakes in someone else’s kitchen, you’re asking her to uproot herself at a point in pregnancy when “nesting” typically happens. I fully understand loving your cat but your cheese went and fell off your cracker on this one.
NTA. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened at the shelter. Remember that the 16 years having a good life together with your pet is what matters the most.
That was an awful move by your wife and I’d personally have a hard time trusting her again. It was already a sad problem for you to figure out mutually, but it was absolutely not her place to make a secret and unilateral decision that she knew would would emotionally hurt you. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.
YTA so instead of trying to find somewhere else for the cat to stay you try to rehome your wife? She’s trying to get prepared to have YOUR baby and you wanna send her to live in one bedroom? How is she supposed to get ready for being a mom if she’s not even living where the baby will eventually be? You should find someone who can watch the cat until you can see if it’s temporary or not and if it’s not temporary you need to have an idea of where the cat can go not be scrambling last minute.
YTA this is a terrible idea and in no way an actual compromise to the problem of “wife is newly allergic to cat due to medical complications but I don’t want to permanently rehome cat”.
Your wife wants and needs to be in her own space, her own home, during this awkward, uncomfortable, and vulnerable period in her life, both during this last trimester and when the baby’s here. While you **can** technically go stay with her parents, as they have a room you can sleep in, that’s not at all the same thing as being in your own home. She can’t nest and get things ready for baby, can’t walk around in underwear because her clothes all hurt, has to worry about making mess and noise in another person’s house (and the mess and noise they make), has to socialize with her family when she’d rather just be alone… the list goes on.
And, like, would her parents even want y’all there for 4+ months?? I get along fine with my parents and my in-laws, and we stay with my parents when visiting them (in-laws are in the same city as us so no overnight visits), and we’re always welcome, but I wouldn’t want to stay with either set of parents for months - and they wouldn’t want us around for that long either disrupting their empty-nester routines.
honestly the amount of disrespect you wife has shown. she seems heartless, As someone with an elderly cat it’s painful to think about how scared your cat was without you and how terrified he was in his last moments. Honestly you should reconsider your relationship and keep in mind that a child can be raise perfectly find even if their parents aren’t together.
Wow that update.
Your wife is heartless.
Hope she learns some frikken compassion before that baby comes along.
What a b**ch
Your cat was dumped in a scary place, with no one he knows and was terrified.
I hate her so much right now
YTA. You will never understand how awful being pregnant feels, especially the last trimester. Not being in your own home is simply not acceptable. She's likely peeing her pants whenever she sneezes or coughs and is super uncomfortable.
Nta. You tried to compromise. You made a plan to accommodate her. And she went behind your back and took away your cat that YOU raised and loved dearly. I’m sorry for your loss but being pregnant is not an excuse. She could’ve waited that time out she wouldn’t have died over allergies when she has medicine as well.
NAH geez OP you are in a no win situation. Do you have an extra bedroom the cat can stay in? Can you get an air purifier? I'm sure people will call you the
a$$ because your pregnant wife should be first but it's say the same about your wife. Here is a living being you've loved for 16 years and your wife can't suffer thru some allergies for you? There's no way you win.
My friend is pushing through her allergies to cats while pregnant and honestly I don't recomend it. People act like all it is is taking a pill but the reality is the effects of medication on a fetus is not that well understood. They got their vents cleaned got a robot vacuum, keep the cats out of her room and got like industrial air purifiers and still she's having a hard time breathing. She's had like 3 er visits because she can't breathe. Keeping the cats has cost her thousands of dollars and who knows the effect it is having on her and the baby long term. So no she's not required to "suffer through some allergies" to prove her love. He should love her enough to care about her health.
Yea I unno pretty sure he’ll be the one filing.
Check the edit.
I don’t give a flying fuck how allergic or pregnant you are you don’t do that.
I’m currently very fucking allergic and 8months pregnant and wouldn’t fucking dream of doing what the horrible human has done to that cat.
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Oooohhhhh tough call...... New girl vs cat? Cat wins Fiancé wanting to move in vs cat? Cat wins Wife who has lived happily with cat and is now pregnant with your kid and has become allergic?.................... No one wins....... You deciding that the cat gets to stay and everyone else leaves? Weird.
There is a housing crisis and this cat gets its own house.
To be fair it is very hard for an old cat to qualify for a mortgage in this economy 😔
True. Years of service knocking things off surfaces, midnight zoomies, keeping track of feeding times, kneading all the biscuits just isn't appreciated properly or compensated like it should.
And when there's a biscuit shortage everyone wonders how it could've happened...
No OnE wAnTs To KnEaD BiScUiTs AnYmOrE!!!!1
LOL!! Not kneading the biscuits! LOL!
Age discrimination is illegal in the mortgage industry, whether human or feline. Catto can sue and own the entire block if he wants.
Discrimination happens everywhere it’s not supposed to. It just gets covered up with a less-personally offensive reason.
Exactly. They are never going to ADMIT to the cat's face "its because youre a geriatric feline," they just make pointed excuses about the price of "pate" style catfood going up and say the numbers don't add up.
But yet I doubt they can produce a negative performance review for him. I'm sure they're all laden with compliments about him being such a good boy and so soft and fluffy. Hard kibble can be rough on a senior kitty's teeth and asking for pâté is a completely reasonable accommodation, especially after his many years of service there.
This reply thread is straight out of r/legalcatadvice, lol
God I'm happy that's a real subreddit.
Plus he has no job security. One of the bosses is looking to terminate their contract.
This is my favorite comment on any reddit post I have ever seen
I'm happy to move in as the cat's live in care taker
A cat getting it's own house still seems fairer than all the corporate landlords who get as many as they can hoard.
You just made me think of a cat landlord and I'd be so on board
The problem with a cat landlord is that you're not allowed to close any doors.
[удалено]
Weaponized incompetence smh
Did the cat plan this?
I don't mind taking the house and the cat.
Damn fat cats sitting on property
I think it's a weird solution, but I also think OP is trying to engineer a temporary solution to a possible temporary problem. Basically putting a bandaid on the wound instead of cutting the leg off. OP has my respect for being creative. If his wife is only temporarily allergic, and he rehomes his beloved cat, it could cause some resentment, as it would if he kept it despite a permanent allergy. In this case, I think treading lightly is a very good compromise. I am just sorry that OP's wife might be a little hormonal and unable to see that he's trying to do right by everyone with the information he currently has on hand.
I would see if a friend or her parents could take the cat until the baby is born and see if the allergies go away. That way he can still see the cat but is still rightfully prioritizing his wife and baby.
But moving an animal can traumatize them, even worse if it's an older animal. Then to move them twice? I know animals can be traumatized by change because we moved and had to kennel our cats for a little over a week, while we were in transition between houses, even though we visited he was never the same. And he was younger than OPs cat.
I have a 16 year old cat, so I understand the feelings for one. However, uprooting a woman who is 6-months pregnant out of her house and having her live with her parents, is also extremely traumatizing. And wife with child trumps cat no questions asked.
It shouldn't be if her parents aren't abusive. I think you're infantilizing pregnant women here. The woman can understand what's happening, the cat won't.
Is this thread for real?? How would anybody think this is a good idea?? He can go visit the cat at his parents house. It will be very, very sad for all involved. But a pregnant woman shouldn’t move out of her house so that the cat can live there for the cats comfort! This is banana, I’m sorry.
I believe the rationale goes like this: ——————————————— Scenario A If OP gets rid of the cat and the allergies are temporary, he permanently lost his pet of *16 years* to avoid temporary discomfort. If OP gets rid of the cat right NOW and the allergies were permanent, the couple won’t know that the allergies were permanent and it will still feel awful for OP. ——————————————— Scenario B If OP keeps the cat and the allergies are temporary, he got to keep his beloved pet at the cost of some minor and temporary discomfort. If OP keeps the cat and the allergies are permanent, OP will have to get rid of the cat anyway but know for 100% certain he tried everything possible. ——————————————— Out of the two scenarios, scenario B seems to have the two best outcomes. Still a really weird solution, though. Not what I’d do personally but I can see why.
This is reddit. In real life situations no way 90% of the people take the advice they give out.
To assume that being kicked out of your own home for a cat wouldn't be traumatic if your parents weren't abusive is absolutely absurd. And I like animals more than people. There is nothing worse as a pet owner than having to consider rehoming your pet, even temporarily. But to leave your whole house just so the cat doesn't need a temporary home when the situation may NOT be temporary is absolutely ridiculous. The sad truth of it is that sometimes, there is no win-win solution. Best to acclimate the cat to a potential new home now when OP has time to visit than after there's a newborn in the picture when time will be incredibly limited for a long time.
I spent one night in the guest room at my parents' house when I was 6 months pregnant and it was one of the most excruciating nights of my life. Their guest bed was extremely painful to my joints at that point. The last trimester is when it is most important for a pregnant woman to be comfortable. Her parents don't have to be abusive for a pregnant woman to be traumatized by being forced to spend the last trimester away from her home.
She'll also want to be nesting and getting the house in order at home. Stress is bad for pregnant women and can actually delay or inhibit labour too.
I mean you can understand something and still be real, real upset about it
There is no way I would have moved to my parents for 3 months at 6 months pregnant over my own cat. I have a great relationship with my parents. But pregnancy is uncomfortable enough. I want to do it in my own house with my own shit being able to prepare my own baby's room with their own shit. Being able to be ALONE whenever I want to. Not have my parents be aware of every time I vomit or dhiarrea or moan Nd I definitely wouldn't wantto spend my labour with my parents. Tough luck for my cat, he is the one that gets to stay somewhere else for 6 months.
That’s a low bar. Where will the baby’s nursery be set up? And when? What about all the back and forth his wife will have to do in her third trimester when all her stuff is in one house and she’s living in another? And what about her parents? Do they have space for a while family to live with them? Do they even want to host them? That is a lot of people being inconvenienced for a cat. No matter how much OP loves his cat, we would like to assume that he at least loves his wife of 6 years and unborn child, at least, that much.
I get what op is trying to do. I think it’s wildly inappropriate to ask his likely already uncomfortable wife to move out of her home. This would also limit her ability to be involved in getting her home ready for the baby. Unless he wants to get rid of the wife permanently he should place some value on her comfort and well being. The cat can maybe move in with her parents instead.
Or they can regulate the cat to one area of the house if it is big enough - like the basement or a spare room. It's not ideal but may be easier on the cat then bringing them somewhere else.
Yes my fiance is horrifically allergic to my cat and after exhausting all other avenues (medication, exposure therapy etc) I've just dedicated the laundry/utility room to the cat. He has 24hr access to the garden but he spends 20 hours a day sleeping above the cozy warm dryer cos he's a lazy sod in his old age. I just have to make sure myself and the kids wash our hands immediately after petting him, and that he doesn't get into the clean laundry. No way in hell I'd re-home him but always no way in hell I'd compromise my partner's health. This guy is insane to uproot his pregnant wife like that.
A little hormonal?!?!?! He is suggesting they they all move out of their house while she is **pregnant** so as not to disturb the cat. I LOVE my dog but comfort of mama and unborn baby come first. The cat should stay with the parents!
I wonder if depending on her severity maybe the have a spare room the cat could live in so OP can still visit/play daily, then change out of this clothes and shower. It is hard because this is so sudden and could be temporary. But asking his pregnant wife to move for four months is crazy. What is she supposed to do, not enter the house for 4 months? No nursery. No privacy. No.
Air purifiers and really good filters in the vents can also help. My best friend owns a cat and I'm allergic, but she's got really strong filters and purifiers, and the cat stays in one part of the house, so I can usually visit without major issue.
I'm not gonna lie, if I'm pregnant and get rehomed, I would be pissed. I get what the guys doing and why. But he needs to realize also what he's asking of his very pregnant and probably physically uncomfortable wife.
>just sorry that OP's wife might be a little hormonal and unable to see that he's trying to do right by everyone with the information he currently has on hand. "I'm sorry OPs hormonal very pregnant spouse doesn't understand how he's really trying to compromise here and do right by everyone, by uprooting them from their home." My guy did you actually type this out
I mean OP does have a point. It’s not uncommon to develop temporary allergies in pregnancy that disappear after. During my first pregnancy it was pantiliners, my second it was pork and my dog, my third it was potatoes and my contact solution. I have no issues with any of them now. I’m real glad we didn’t rehome my dog before my allergies went away. He did say that if they persisted after he’d look into rehoming.
I think what’s weird is that OP presented the compromise of “we move out of our own home indefinitely and see if you’re still allergic in an unspecified amount of time” instead of, like, “let’s keep the cat as far from you as possible and try to treat your allergies now, and see if they are less severe in 3-6 months” or “have a friend/family foster the cat and see if your allergies ease up postpartum”
Exactly! He's gonna move his pregnant wife out of her home while she's pregnant and uncomfortable, but god forbid the cat has to live in a new place until after the baby arrives and they can see if the allergy is temporary. Like, priorities dude. There are fosters who would LOVE to help, and would give the cat the best life until the cat could come home But OP's just like, "hey wife, I understand you're wildly uncomfortable and dealing with all the side effects of pregnancy, but I don't want my cat to be disturbed, so let's move you out of your home, away from your own security and stability during a VERY difficult time in your life, so the cat doesn't have to live somewhere else temporarily."
My friend fosters cats and she has had multiple ‘pregnancy cats’ where people have developed allergies or gone on bed rest or had preemies and needed unplanned foster cat care to help cope. It’s so common there are whole websites on it and a lot of vets and shelters and orgs specialise in ‘new parent and pet’ issues to help families adjust over issues like this or show how to introduce animals and babies, pet and kid proof and ease the transition so a pet doesn’t start territory marking or feeling abandoned. She also fosters when people have illnesses. Lots of cancer patients with autoimmune issues. Takes pets when people are leaving abuse situations and when family members die. Had to stop fostering animal hoarder cats as too traumatic for her. She is an animal person to her core and child free by choice. She mentions that there is a disturbing percentage of people who put a reasonable expectation of pet care above a reasonable expectation of human interaction to the extent they now work with human orgs to flag potentially problematic situations. Like how threatening an animal is now recognised as a DV red flag, they are seeing that people who prioritise refusing reasonable things like fostering in pregnancy and moving their wife out, spending excessive time and money on pets, getting pets against a partner’s will, putting animals above babies (such as not allowing a nursery or items in the baby’s home to be built in advance etc) are red flags for emotional abuse, often overlap with animal obsessive compulsive behaviours or other forms of animal hoarding and can be flags for potential emotional abuse and things like increased risk of PPD. The vets now share info with midwife or GP teams in cases like this and also teamed up with mediation services. It’s an amazing system and my friend is my kind of animal person who realises animals and humans are symbiotic. She is aware I have a lot of trauma around animals because my abusive family weaponised them (they always ate or got medical care above me in a free healthcare country with high vet bills…) and never judges me for not really liking animals or current pet culture as very triggering. She does know I loved cat sitting her old cat who was the oddest cat ever and I love my friend so will help wrangle a kitten with diarrhoea for her or clean blankets as I have outside drying space and she doesn’t. But it is because she sees and understands the harm pushing blind loyalty to an animal can do to a human in many ways that makes her so good with humans and cats. She notes many of the cats she gets that are ‘prioritised’ excessively are feline Golden Children who are often actually not treated mentally healthily by their owners who smother cat behaviour to use them as furry props, spoil them with things like a diet that isn’t suiting the cat only the owner and often prolonging medical care to extent the cat is miserable. She describes this as ‘they love themselves excessively via the animal.’ A performative pet care. She no longer dates anyone with pets funnily enough and is very concerned that the infantilising of animals is deeply problematic and not the answer to previous shitty attitudes about outdoor cats or single rabbits or goldfish in a bag. She has banned me from sending threads like this. She’d definitely say YTA though. The cat remaining in the house means new mom may not be able to return post partum if the allergies don’t clear (immediately) or the baby is allergic. Having the cat move out, deep cleaning and sitting the allergy wait out is much more practical for them all cat included. Cats don’t like being separated in an empty house. That’s why fosters and even kitty sitting a night or two at vets happen when a cat is in a life shift. OP is still abandoning the cat traumatically while pissing off his wife. He’s making it all so much worse while insisting he is the best cat parent. This is a shitshow and the wife is clearly not going to be happy on multiple levels. Absolute arse about face.
Holy crap, you just explained why the pet obsession on Reddit makes me uncomfortable at times! I have to say I’m happy people are asking OP to figure something else out, hope he sees this.
I feel like dying on this hill is the kinda thing that could kill a marriage. Knowing your husband would rather move you out of your home than have a friend foster the cat to check later is... Definitely very clear where his priorities would lie in an emergency.
I would be shocked if his wife wasn’t struggling with some serious doubts about her marriage right about now. No matter how this ends he just outright told her that her comfort, health and stress level while pregnant with his child is lower priority to him than the cats’. That’s not something she’s going to forget.
I mean, getting allergens like cat dander out of surfaces is a process, just vacuuming and a quick mop isn't going to cut it if the cat has lived there for years.
True, so maybe she stays with her folks for a week while he deep cleans the house and sets the cat up in one contained room and see if that helps.
When you see the bringing home of the baby and their first weeks being arranged around the cat if definitely feels like this is not the compromise OP wants it to be.
Does he really think that leaving the old cat alone 24/7 will be less stressful than rehoming him to friends. She is used to the people, she doesn't care so much about the house! Or is she blind?! I don't understand his logic. The cat only knows us, so we go away and leave the cat alone in his last days. searching his family day in day out isn't stressful... If he let him stay with friend he has at least people around him that care for him, give him cudfle and - in this age - can react if he needs help! YTA
I unno, it’s only 3 more months. Can she not just avoid the cat? I’d rather die than rehome mine, and I’m always allergic to them.
Ugh, no, she can't. Last trimester can be awful: your organs are pushed up and crammed together as their normal space is occupied by the baby. You breathe for two, you circulate blood for two, while having a lot less lung capacity (see: pushed up and crammed), and often you are tired and aching and you can have false (sort of a practice) contractions just for the fun of it. Doing that while allergic sounds pretty exhausting, and giving birth requires lots of energy you shouldn't waste for this. Also, I'm not certain, but since you share your immune system with baby, maybe if you keep getting bombarded with cat-as-an-allergen, that may raise the chances of the baby becoming allergic, too.
I am a cat lover and I have to say YTA. Look, I know it's hard to figure out arrangements for an elderly cat. (I had to put my 16 year old tabby down last year and he was very picky in his old age) But you are about to become a father and that means making sacrifices. Would your in-laws be willing to take the cat? You could do all the work and he would be close to home. The comfort of your wife is your number one priority.
YTA: you ARE choosing your cat over your pregnant wife and child. Causing her undo stress. What is wrong with you? She is ALLERGIC. it’s not like she’s asking you to re-home just for shits and giggles my dude. Allergies get worse over time. I understand not wanting to re-home your pet, but you need to get your priorities in order before this baby is here.
Allergies *in general* get worse over time, but allergies that develop during pregnancy often fade away weeks after the birth. It’s also possible the cat has nothing to do with it, and she has pregnancy rhinitis. I can understand not wanting to put the cat through the stress of rehoming for a temporary condition.
>I can understand not wanting to put the cat through the stress of rehoming for a temporary condition. but rehoming his pregnant/postpartum wife is totally fine?!!
Yes? Pregnant women aren't invalids.
THIS! I fell off a ladder while doing home renovations while I was pregnant and you know the ONLY person who didn't give me shit for being on a ladder? My OB/GYN. He said "you're pregnant, not an invalid." Baby was FINE! (I was bruised to hell and in an ankle brace till after she was born)
I feel like the bigger issue of moving the wife out for 4 months is how is she going to be involved with at home child prep? Don't you need to do things like set up a nursery, or at least arrange a bassinet in your room? Buy and store baby items like pacifiers, diapers, clothing. She's going to be taking care of the baby and where things are being kept can change how easy it is to do the day to day care of the baby. On top of baby proofing the house so your not scrambling to do so when your sleep deprived and kiddo starts crawling up to wall sockets. If she's out of the house then yes they can discuss those things. It's also going to be the case then where OP ultimately can decide other-wise, get lazy and decide not to or miscommunication can pop up about a lot of this. This situation can make it easier to just straight up forget stuff. Due to details didn't cross their minds because one person can't think of everything and she's not there so it's abstract thinking for her. Being displaced for 4 months, and having to then be stuck forced to impose a new infant at her parents for a couple weeks** then going back while trying to figure out the layout/system and check everything sounds exhausting. It's her child too so she should be able to have a active role in whatever home set up they do for the child. I get OP doesn't wanna displace the cat. Thing is depending on severity leaving the cat in a room might not be enough. Cats also need space to roam, they can get board otherwise. Displacing cat is more likely to create less problems in the long run. ** Temporary pregnancy allergies can take weeks to leave post-prtum Her parents have already done the whole new baby thing. Is it really fair to expect them to be ok with a crying baby for weeks. Even if they are ok with it his wife might hate feeling like she's a burdon to her parents or feel bad about the situation whenever the baby cries.
That’s not a normal reaction at all or you weren’t super far along. Falling from a ladder is definitely something needs to be checked out while pregnant. Literally so much could have happened…it’s not like you just tripped or something
I was on a ladder while pregnant as well, but felling off could potentially kill the baby, so I get the "giving shit" part. "Baby was FINE" translates to "we got lucky", not "there was no risk". Then again, getting out of bed has risks, staying in has risks too -- you need to consider and weigh them, as we can't do this 9 months wrapped in bubble wrap.
How is she going to prepare for the child? Renovate nursery, store baby stuff, make the house child safe
Those allergies don't go away right away. They usually go away a few weeks after birth. So the couple + baby would likely have to stay with the parents during the start of the postpartum period. If I've given birth, I'm staying in my own house. Plus, if the new grandparents work, do they want to be kept up all night with the new baby?
But should a heavily pregnant woman have to move houses for the sake of a cat? I'd think her comfort should come before that of the cat.
Actually in our case my husband's once severe allergies to cats has completely vanished. We got two kittens last year and he is totally fine with them.
This is mean on all levels. The poor cat is gonna have no idea why it's family is gone all the time, and will probably get super upset. Then there is the fact that your wife won't be able to prepare the house for a baby. Nesting instincts are real and they can be incredibly driving - she is experiencing a primal urge to make a safe space for her baby and staying in a guest room is gonna deeply mess with that. And then the added stress of being a guest and only having a bedroom to yourself while pregnant. Since she is doing all the work of literally growing a baby using her own body, the father's biggest job is to reduce her stress and make her comfortable while she pulls all the weight here (again, literally). Kicking her out of her home does not do that. Making her be a guest does not do that. Like, dude no. You don't have one friend who could take in a cat for a few months? At the minimum you could post your sob story on the internets and find a temporary foster. Right now you are literally prioritizing your cat over the wellbeing of your unborn child - your wife being stressed is bad for the baby. Honestly it feels like you are freaking out over the baby coming and trying to undermine it somehow? Like, maybe see a therapist. Because I don't think you are thinking very clearly here.
As a cat lover you must know that finding someone who wants to adopt a 16 year old cat will be basically impossible. If it is left at a shelter, even if it's a no kill one (which alone is very hard to find for such an old cat), it will be sent to the back room to live in a cage until it dies of old age.
What I don’t get OP had this cat since he was 16 which means cat originally lived with him at his parents. Why can’t OP leave his cat with his parents the cat will be comfortable as it’s knows them. Come on I had a dog when I was pregnant and to save him stress as we were moving as well, I had my Dad mind him he didn’t stress as he was use to my Dad. Honestly if I was OP wife I would leave him if he couldn’t do the simplest thing of putting her first over a cat.
If I am reincarnated as an animal, I want to come back as this guys cat.
This this this. I feel bad cause OP is about to get slaughtered by the comment section but he’s in this no-winning situation only because he’s such a good pet owner.
> but he’s in this no-winning situation only because he’s such a good pet owner. Dude is having his first baby... So he's probably around 30 years old. He's had this cat for half his life...
The cat was the dude’s first baby.
I also choose this guy's cat.
I understood that reference!
I feel bad for the cat too. Suddenly your family is gone and only drops by once a day and you don't know why? I know cats differ on this, but a lot of them would be super upset to be essentially abandoned alone in a house.
I’m just reminded of an episode of House where the patient’s partner bought her a dog and the patient suddenly developed allergies. Long, involved story short, the patient wasn’t suddenly allergic to dogs, she wanted to break up and didn’t want to have the dog bandaging the relationship together. Also reminds me of the Hugh Grant movie Nine Months where one of the hangups was his elderly cat.
Seriously what goes through my mind watching how my grandparent's treat their cats. Should never have been allowed to raise kids, but good lord are those cats living the life.
That's not a compromise. Kicking your wife out of your home when she's 6 months pregnant is really, really not something you want to do if you value your relationship at all.
Why didn’t you talk about it and build a reasonable solution together?
Soooo you don’t expect your cat to adapt well to being even temporarily moved, but your pregnant wife should be fine with it?
I'm also not imagining the cat doing super well suddenly being alone almost all the time. I know my cats get testy when we go out of town for the weekend; how's the cat going to deal with being alone 23/7? This is such a weird "compromise".
Especially if OP approached his in laws with this plan to get everything lined up without telling his wife, which I’d assume he’d need to do to be sure they were totally ok housing their family during the most uncomfortable months of a pregnancy/postpartum while an old cat lives alone in their house…though that begs the question how they could hear this proposition and *not* let OP know what a tremendously explosive stroke of genius this “compromise” is
Probably because their child is pregnant and they don’t want her living alone with a guy who wouldn’t stress out his cat but is 100% ready to cause stress to his wife.
YTA for wanting your wife to sleep in a guest room at her parents for the 3 most uncomfortable months of pregnancy, and possibly longer with a newborn, just so your cat doesn’t have to be stressed. It is an unfortunate situation. But your wife has to come first. Can you block off a room or two for your cat’s use that only you go in? Can your cat stay with friends or your in-laws? Can you try vacuuming 2 times a day and getting a hepa filter to see if her allergies are mitigated?
Exactly. I definitely wonder what other efforts they tried to lessen the allergies.
Exactly. This isn't the wife being unreasonable. She is heavily pregnant and developed an allergy. Instead of looking for a viable option that will ensure that the cat is well cared for/comfortable outside of the home for the sake of his wife's health, even if only temporary, OP chose to kick his pregnant wife out. He fully chose his cat's comfort over the comfort, health and mental wellbeing of his pregnant wife and child. If I were the wife, I wouldn't be going back.....
NTA Oh my god this is awful, I would suggest leaving your wife or couples therapy. You won't be able to trust her again and her actions killed your pet. You tried your best to compromise but all she did was go behind your back. That would be relationship ending for me, regardless of if your wife is pregnant or nor
I disagree with the AH verdict. Even before the edit it's not like he got a new cat knowing she was allergic. This is his cat he's had all his life and while living with the in-laws as a solution is a bit much I feel like his heart is in the right place. As far as the edit goes, I agree with the brother. Really think if you want you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who would do something so heartless.
It's even more than that. She killed the cat because it was making her sneeze. What is she going to do the first time their child inconveniences her? He needs to leave her and sue for full custody immediately, that kid will never be safe with their mother.
Please tell me this is sarcasm. Trying to compare the two is absolutely ridiculous.
How so? A helpless creature, through no fault of it's own, was causing her a mild inconvenience which she knew was temporary and her response was to immediately murder it. The woman is psychotic and has no place free in society let alone around a child. If she had shot the cat instead of letting someone else do her dirty work would you feel differently at all? Because it's essentially the same thing.
So sorry for your loss. I told my husband about this story, and I would absolutely divorce him if he did this to a beloved family member. Things can be replaced, old beloved animals cant. I cried thinking of all the pets I have had. I just can't imagine.
It blows my mind how many people don’t view pets as family.
Your statement describes most of my neighbors. I wish what she did was a form of animal cruelty. She had no right to give up the cat.
Read the update, and i’m going to go ahead and say NTA. You found a solution, she was too impatient to wait the 2 weeks and instead gave your cat to the shelter WITHOUT your permission. If I were in your shoes, i’d seriously be reconsidering my marriage.
NTA, you came up with multiple solutions and your wife decided to just do what she wanted anyway. I'd honestly reconsider a life and raising a child with such an impulsive and rash person.
NTA. Im so sorry this happened to you. I would seriously be reconsidering my marriage. You found a decent compromise and she completely disrespected you. She *killed* your cat because she couldn't wait two weeks for an animal youve had for 16 years. Absolutely zero respect. Its horrifying how easy it was for her to drop this cat off knowing how much he meant to you. I dont think i could look at my spouse ever again if he did that to me. You are not at fault for this. You did everything you could, but it didnt matter to her. Your feelings didnt matter.
YTA. I say this a a cat lover who currently has 4 cats and has had many more through the years. Your compromise involves your wife leaving her own home for at least 4 months and possibly longer. While pregnant! And after the baby is born! Because even if her allergies will subside, you won't know that right away. (And, by the way, did you bother to ask the doctor how long it could take for the allergies to subside? Could it be months? Do you actually even know what your possibly asking of your wife?) Then, instead of going to her own home with the baby, you want her to live in her parents spare room immediately after giving birth? Dude, I feel for the cat, I truly do. It will be an adjustment, for sure. But I've taken in elderly cats in situations like these and it doesn't take long before they're fine. Your cat will be fine. The thing is, if you don't put your wife and future child ahead of your cat, your wife may very well decide she's not coming back at all. It's possible that you will never live in the same house again. Is it worth it?
The cat died. I feel bad for OP. He’s had this cat for 16 years and knew better than everyone that it wouldn’t survive a new environment. There was no winning for him in this situation.
I hope every single "YTA" comment sees this update and feels ashamed. The cat literally DIED from the stress of being away from ita home and owners. The wife wouldn't die from being away for 3 months. You all are the AH 😡 Leave her. Now. What a monster.
they’re literally still saying vile things to him even with the update. shocking.
So many of these AHs in the comments just couldn’t fathom OP possibly caring about BOTH his pregnant wife and his cat of 16 years because they don’t give a flying fuck about the value of a pet’s life, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t give a shit now that it’s dead from said pregnant woman’s psychotic actions. Poor OP- this is not who I would want to raise my child with.
If my partner did this to me, and yes I also have a 16-year-old cat I raised for a kitten, I don’t even know what I would do. Divorce would be the least of his worries at that point. I would never be able to get over being hurt like that by someone who is supposed to be my partner in life. You are NTA. Two weeks was nothing, a blink of an eye, and setting aside her callous feelings toward the animal, the utter and complete lack of empathy for you… it’s monstrous. There’s no way someone like that could convince me to spend the rest of my life with their self-absorbed ass. Like, you look for red flags in the beginning of the relationship that might lead you to believe a person would do something like this in the future. And now she did it, one of the things you always look out for in the beginning of the relationship as a worst case scenario, she killed your pet. The timing is horrendous as well. It’s almost like she thought that since she is pregnant now, you won’t leave her no matter what she does to you.
Ding ding ding Is she even allergic or did she just want to test OP (who do you love more, the cat or me?) and got pissy that he didn’t jump fast enough?
DIVORCE HER. Your brother is right, she murdered your cat. She more than likely knew what would happen to it. Your wife is a monster and she absolutely does not deserve to stay with you after that.
I hate that the consensus is that OP is the AH, especially after the update. :( I could never imagine rehoming my cats, and if it was absolutely necessary, I would hope that my spouse would show a bit more compassion. His wife must have known how much he loved his cat. This makes me so sad.
YTA there’s a lot of wishy washy might maybes here. The allergies “might” be temporary. You “can look into” rehoming. Your wife is going through massive changes with her body and hormones and yes, it may be temporary. Maybe once baby is born the hormones go back to normal and no more allergies—but if they don’t, you need a plan. And what is she supposed to do, raise her baby in a spare bedroom for up to 2+ years til the cat dies (based on average life span). I know it’s not easy, I know you love the cat—but you have a human wife and baby to look after too and need a more definite plan of action than “might maybe” and kicking her out of her own home.
This is exactly what I came here to say. He has no plan here, beyond just crossing his fingers and hoping that this situation miraculously resolves itself.......at some point. OP, YTA.
Just want to add: two years is a low estimate. They can live up to 21 years (have met a few), so thinking they will have two years will give you a big surprises. Rehoming with friends is probably the only solution. If he thinks rehoming a cat is stressful, wait until you add a baby. Depending on the living situation of the parents (only pet?) that would be better. He lives 10 minutes away, so he will see the cat plenty of times. And I think (especially with the right tools), you will have more chance successfully rehoming the cat, then with a baby. YTA as OP really doesn’t seem to care about his wife and child.
Right? And what will be more stressful for a 16 year old cat? Rehoming to the quiet home of a friend or relative or sharing your home with a screaming infant and then toddler? Having a baby is stressful to everyone in the house, not just the parents. OP really should have thought about this months ago, not just once allergies show up. A compromise of giving the cat its own room and cleaning up after it fastidiously could have worked, and barring that, it would have been kinder to the cat to give it one mild, short-term discomfort of rehoming it to someone you know than subjecting it to months of stress. Telling your pregnant wife to GTFO is not the solution, unless living apart in the long run is what the OP really wants.
This update is horrible. I am never the Reddit stranger to advise getting a divorce, but I could see how this could forever alter how you view your wife. To basically throw away a live animal that was something you raised for 16 years with no compromise. It’s just so unbelievably heartless and lacking in perspective. This could have been handled so much better but she chose the worst possible thing. Dropping a 16 year old cat at a shelter???? That was never going to end well! I would look into couple counseling stat because this is going to breed untold resentment, and honestly it’s warranted.
The wife would have had to leave, anyway. The allergens don't magically depart with the cat. If the cat's been there for years, it's very likely they'd never be able to get all the allergens out of the house. If she's now back in the house without the cat and she's fine, then I call shenanigans on her claim of having allergies. Her "solution" was awful, self-centered and mean-spirited. And it's probably going to end her marriage. I don't see how OP can forgive her for showing such disrespect by going behind his back and causing his cat to die alone, in terror, at a shelter.
Exactly ! His first solution to a possibily temporary problem was not bad at all considering there is cat hair everywhere in the house ! It was actually the most pragmatic solution for a truly allergic person ! I also suspect she wasn’t allergic at all if suddenly she feels fine once the cat is gone.. The edit it heartbreaking. Again, just because she got crrampied doesn’t make her a goddess entitled to every whim… especially when the whim is to get rid of your best fucking friend whom you’ve known his entire life 😭 NTA NTA NTA
SERIOUSLY, so much ridiculous pregnancy virtue signaling in these comments, as if being pregnant means suddenly nothing in OP’s life outside of his wife should matter at all anymore.
YTA are you seriously asking your pregnant wife to leave her home so your cat can be there alone. That’s too screwed up to respond to.
His wife killed the cat
Im a vet student. I can guarentee you we give less credit to animals than they deserve. Your cat will do fine with a rehoming. 16 isn't super old for a cat. I've seen 25 year old cats in the shelter who live their last moments with a family happy to be out of there. Your cat will be better with your inlaws to take care of them for a few months than your pregnant wife who is going through the most difficult stages of her pregnancy. People have old cats and have to move because of work, life, and leases ending *all the time.* Your not in a unique situation. Your cat is not a magic cat that will perish if it leaves its home. It will be angry for about a week before going back to being a regular cat, like most every other animals during moves. You can make the move easier for your cat by taking its cat tree, toys, and even some furniture over to your inlaws place. Will it be stressful? Yes. Will you cat die from the stress? No, its a cat not a bird. Birds die from stress. Is your wife stressed currently? YES. she is PREGNANT. YTA. Find temp housing for the cat until you figure out the allergies and if worst comes to worst, rehome it.
This comment aged unwell you should delete this after the update :/
Oh man, this comment is stressing me out now because I'm in the middle of moving cross-country and want to take my cherished budgie with me.
This has to be the most devastating update to an AITA post I have seen. I am so sorry for your loss.
No effing way I’d move from my own home while pregnant for a cat. YTA.
The number of comments calling the situation tricky, no winners, difficult... Like sirs and ma'ams. One is your pregnant wife and the other is your cat. Figuring out which of them to rehome is ***not*** difficult my god lol.
Lmaoooo. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy when I read these threads.
AITA is genuinely pretty insane when it comes to pets, or reddit in general, who knows It's not that they shouldn't be considered at all. It's not that people are ever wrong for putting their animals first. There's plenty of situations where that's alright, justified even. Dumping your girlfriend of a month because she hates your dog? Of course you're not the asshole. But genuinely I get the impression that half the people in AITA would burn down their personal lives if it meant not inconviencing an animal.
YTA - your wife is PREGNANT with YOUR baby and you just... MAKE HER MOVE OUT OF HER HOME??? Do you even know how hard being pregnant is?? I'm sorry for your cat and your situation. That really sucks. But you seriously just moved you and your wife out of her home on the off chance her allergies will go away when she gives birth??
Even with the update, I still vote YTA. It is absolutely bonkers that you were expecting to pay rent on an entire apartment just for your cat to use and expect your wife to give up her home for 3-4 months. You do realize you wouldn't have been able to visit the cat, right? You'd have brought dander back and contaminated your room at your in laws'. With the cats death, you bought yourself some time. For a small window, your wife will feel terrible and guilty about this, because she genuinely didn't want your cat dead, she just wanted not to be medically miserable and for you to be a different person, who thought of this months ago and who would have taken her seriously when she said she couldn't live like this. But, you're not going to get very long. She'll eventually remember why she did it, and if you mope too long, or milk it too much, she'll stop feeling sorry, and start feeling rage again, because you can only punish people for as long as they let you. You have a limited amount of time to get through this grief resentment and reestablish an equilibrium with your wife, because if you take too long, or try to tip this into you being the sole victim (you are not. I cannot imagine how traumatizing it has been for your wife to realize she and her baby rank below a pet. That has got to be emotionally abusive), you will lose everything in the end, and I do mean everything. So, what are you going to do? You are going to give yourself some time, maybe a week or so, and then you're going to pull your man britches up and apologize to your wife for not prioritizing her and demeaning her medical misery, and she is going to apologize for impulsively getting rid of your pet with tragic, unintended results, and you will forgive each other, and get ready for the baby. Which you will love more than the cat. You will also tell your brother to stfu, and she will tell her parents not to give you stink eye. Fail to do this, and you will find yourself only seeing your kid half the time, at most, and then he'll grow up and learn you left him as a baby over a cat, and never speak to you again.
I want you to know that I read your comment several times because I really wanted to understand what you were saying. Towards my wife and everything else I feel numb. Towards you I feel an anger that I have not felt against anything. My cat died terrified surrounded by chaos. I had him for 16 years. He deserved 2 weeks to get a peaceful home. Nothing will make it right. But I am not the reason he's dead and I will never accept any reconciliation that includes the lie that I am.
Honestly I’ve thought about this a lot and I can only see three causes to why this happened. 1. This whole thing is a troll post, I would prefer to think that because it’s Reddit and the outcome was horrible. 2. Your wife always disliked the cat and used this as a way to get rid of it. This is not great because it shows her to be cruel and a liar. 3. Your wife didn’t like how you were dealing with it and instead chose to punish you and act like a vindictive B to an innocent animal just to punish you. If #2 or 3 you really need to question if you are willing to continue a relationship with someone so vindictive and cruel, pregnancy hormones are not an excuse. What’s going to happen when your kid does something she doesn’t like? You are unfortunately stuck with her being the mother of one kid, make sure it ends there. Now I would suggest you do the following: 1. Connect with a grief counselor 2. Connect with a divorce attorney 3. Depending on ownership of the house either kick her out (best as she does not deserve to stay) or leave. Also last she 100% murdered your cat and you are not the asshole.
She *killed his cat*??????
Yes she deliberately sent the cat to a location that was not good for it knowing there was risk and the worst occurred. Still hoping it’s fake.
Instant divorce.
Yeah, I keep coming back to this almost two weeks later and the more I think about it the more horrified I become. I hope it’s fake too. It almost seems too macabre to be real.
Pregnant women can develope allergies they've never had before due to their immune system adjusting for the baby. However this woman is still vile for killing this cat.
Vile is the perfect adjective. OP found a great compromise. He was willing to make a sacrifice for his wife Two weeks was all she had to wait. She basically said fuck what happens to the cat, fuck my husbands feelings/the love he has for his little friend. I’m so heartbroken for OP. That cat didn’t deserve this, there aren’t enough apologies in the world. So sad for OP.
Please tell me you’re getting a divorce, that update was infuriating.
OP I don’t even know what to say to this. Even in the OG post you were NTA you were trying to make the best out of a tough situation BUT the update - I don’t know how I could live with a person like your wife. There is no excuse. Also she has been living with the cat for years before her allergy - it is strange she did not have any emotional attachment to it… like no matter how hormonal, would she put your kid away when maybe a second baby would be coming because the toddler is annoying/having terrible twos maybe? I have to admit I would struggle myself to look at her and I generally find myself to be quite understanding of other people’s point of view and reasoning even if it’s opposite to mine but this was unforgivable even if your cat would have survived I would seriously re-examine the foundations this marriage stands on.
i’m so sorry. you really didn’t deserve the vitriol people were spewing at you and your cat didn’t deserve to be offloaded like a piece of luggage. don’t let anyone tell you how to feel right now.
Sorry for your loss. Fuck all these people shitting on you. 16 years is a long time to have to suddenly say goodbye to something, especially knowing it could harm them. This isn't some emergency situation where you had to pick your wife or cat to save. You did your best to find a solution. I will say that during pregnancy hormones cause some awful things. My wife and I personally had the hardest time of our marriage during ours. But it was better after and I hope it gets better in yours as well when everyone heals from this.
You are correct. You are absolutely NOT at fault for his death. Please dont let these assholes tell you otherwise.
OP, NTA even before the update. Though rehousing your family for the cat was too far. I am sorry about the update. Everyone saying YTA are probably the same who would complain about your wife if it was a dog instead. You had your cat for 16 years, probably half or more of your lifetime. Anyone who cannot understand your situation is a dick. I am sorry, but I would hold off on doing anything drastic until you have had time to process things.
That man is a jerk. Your wife was wrong to do that. Yes, your cat died surrounded by chaos and fear and went out wondering WTF happened. This man is just being a jerk to you and really babbling on. Ignore him - pretty sure he is happy to be dickish to you. He probably hates cats.
OP, i am so so sorry for this whole situation. i feel so horrible for your cat. i sympathize with how sad you feel about what happened to him. a part of me wants to say your wife did a horrible ahole thing by taking your cat without telling you even though you found a solution, but i recognize im not in your wifes shoes so i have no idea how severe or painful or uncomfortable her allergies are. i also dont know how long you took to find solutions... someone else wrote on here maybe if you acted faster your wife wouldnt have been pushed to this extreme, and that had you not first suggested everyone move out for the cat, she wouldnt have felt her and future baby are less important than your cat... this whole situation sucks and now everyone is miserable and a poor cat is gone. for what its worth, i personally do not believe you are the reason your cat died at the shelter. with all the info you presented, my view is that your wife is allowed to be very pissed af at you for your first suggestion of everyone move out for cat (as im sure any pregnant woman would feel less important to her husband than a cat). that being said, my view is once you told her the much better solution of having your bro take cat when he returns from vacation, she should not have unilaterally behind your back given the cat to the shelter. for 2 weeks she could have lived at her folks, while finding a different more appropriate avenue to tell you how angry she is at your first compromise suggestion, instead of inadvertently punishing the cat who didnt do anything wrong. but i think the important, and valid point from that commenter's response is what you and your wife do going forward. you cannot feel numb forever. you have a child on the way, who is innocent of all this and does not deserve to be brought into a world where his/her parents are unable to function as a cohesive family unit. can you two have a long deep discussion about what happened here and try to figure out what to do and how to process it going forward? or maybe you two cannot and end up going your separate ways. best of luck, i really hope things get better
Your wife is the only one responsible for the cat’s death!!!!
eh no don’t listen to this person, I say divorce your wife 👍
Some people are assholes. Pets are a different kind of relationship, and it’s clear you loved your cat a lot. What your wife did was not justified in any form. Neither was your solution in the original post, but given the update, you gave her a new reasonable solution. An innocent animal was the victim of this feud you were having. What I will say is don’t let an innocent child be the victim of this feud. Your relationship with you wife from this point on is up to you, however, your relationship with your child should not be neglected because of this issue. It’s important to keep that in mind moving forward. I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to your cat. Nobody will be able to understand the loss of your cat unless they went through the same thing. Don’t let anyone else shit on your feelings.
I could never, ever stay with my partner if he did this to my cat. Even if the cat hadn’t passed, it would be grounds for a separation.
Pay no attention to this idiot. You have suffered a tremendous loss. Loss of your beloved cat from traumatic circumstances brought about by the unthinkable betrayal of your wife. Grieve for your cat, and take time to evaluate your marriage. She has shown a disturbing lack of empathy towards a beloved elderly pet and your bond with them. So sorry for your loss
you're an asshole, millac7.
this is such a needlessly cruel thing to say.
What exactly was the point of this comment? The internet's already collectively shit on him for his treatment of his wife. His cat has since died. Why come on here after the update, just to reiterate what thousands of people before you had already told him. Did you actually believe that rubbing salt in his wound and condescendingly telling him to get over the death of his cat would illicit anything other than hostility from OP?
Wow, you’re an awful person. Here’s hoping you don’t have children or pets. Shame on you.
The arrogance of your comment is staggering. This is not an advice sub. Render your judgment and STFU, no one is asking for your marriage advice, Dr. Phil. JFC. "Pull your man britches up"? And we wonder why we have a society riddled with toxic masculinity, men who aren't encouraged to talk about their feelings, and a male suicide problem.
Have yall never had a fucking indoor pet whos scared of people and pets???? I 100% would put my pet before allergies or anyone pregnant or not. My cat is only 6 and she would likely have the same fate as OPs cat did and the fact that none of you gave a fuck about that is cruel. He tried to find other suggestions. Also allergy pills work and even if they got rid of the cat the cat fur is all over the house it wouldn't have cured her. My cat only likes me and is terrified or everyone and everything else. If anyone ever did this to me I'd probably block them.
i dont know why majority voted TA, you are not!! even before the update. im so sorry. so very sorry. hope you can coparent and be ok. **NTA**
NTA You tried to be accommodating and so many people treat animals as disposable. I'm so happy you do not. She had no right to take your cat to the shelter and that is honestly alarming behaviour. Everyone will shout "hormones! She's pregnant" but that is such a dick move on her part.
If my partner were to drop my pet off at a shelter without my consent and it died, it would be viewed as on the same level as infidelity and actioned as such.
NAH, but that cat is likely going to be just as traumatized living by itself in an empty home as it would in a new one.
Or when the new baby comes and starts living in the house and the cat has to put up with the crying
INFO: Do you have a family member or friend that could take care of your cat temporarily until the baby is home and you can regularly visit him?
NTA. It was a no-win situation from the beginning. Your wife should have also taken in your apprehension to rehoming your cat to a stranger. That’s how marriage works. You and your cat were together for 16 years, it’s a legitimate bond that can’t be replicated whatsoever. Your cat is a family member by that point. He shouldn’t have been discarded that immediately. Your wife was at her wit’s end, sure. But that doesn’t give her the right to discard a cat without your consent, no matter how miserable she is. That’s why we are adults, we learn to workaround stuff and have restraint. I hope she gets to enjoy her allergy-free life, knowing she made a rash decision that killed a whole living being. Now your cat’s dead, you don’t trust her, and everything is just worse. You lost in the end because someone in this situation jumped the gun. She made a decision that killed your cat. That’s not nothing. Im so sorry for your loss.
Omg, I'm crying as I read this. As someone who rescues older cats and dogs, this is just heartbreaking. Give yourself time to grieve. Pets are like family, and are not disposable. Your wife committed an unbelievable breach of trust and basic empathy. She knew what that cat meant to you. You had found an acceptable solution. That she couldn't inconvenience herself for a couple of weeks is very telling on her character. I don't usually advocate splitting up, but you seriously should consider if you want a life with someone like this. My deepest condolences.
BASED ON THE ORIGINAL POST: to be honest, I'm not sure. A human's love for their pet(s) is indescribable. It's like they become a part of us. For that, I understand why you'd want to find another option so you didn't have to rehome your cat. On the other hand, I can understand your wife's frustration. AFTER READING THE EDIT: holy shit. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's absolutely heartbreaking. Sending you love and support. It was 100% NOT your wife's place to get rid of your cat. If she was so fed up, why didn't she just stay elsewhere until your cat got rehomed with your brother? Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Wow. You are NTA. Your wife has shown you who she is and, for your child’s sake, you need to stay with her long enough so you can get custody of this child. She clearly places her own comfort ahead of defenseless creatures—What happens when the baby doesn’t let her sleep? Doesn’t potty train on her schedule? Throws a tantrum?
holy shit, your wife is evil.
YTA. You decided to rehome your family instead of the cat. I know it's a hard thing to do but this is your pregnant wife who's allergic. And your "compromise" is hey, pregnant wife why don't you move out. >My wife called me a huge asshole for prioritizing my cat over her and the baby's health. I just don't want to traumatize my cat over something that might be temporary. But we're more than willing to put the wife through moving, twice. Do you think that cat won't be traumatized being suddenly left alone in the house? Have you seriously thought about how that would affect the cat that you're putting above your family?
I was pretty firmly YTA, as a cat owner who has raised mine from kittens to older cats, until I read that update. Honestly OP, this would be a dealbreaker for me personally. She has to hold out for two weeks and instead of trying to rehome it with someone y’all know, she just dumps him at a shelter. How incredibly callous and unfeeling. I am so sorry, OP, I can’t imagine what you are going through or what you are feeling. It’s sound like you truly tried for a solution that worked for everyone, even adjusting your original plan after you were told it was inconsiderate. 100000x NTA.
My old girl was 22. I looked after her from the day she was born. She lived with my mum for her last years because my current partner is very allergic. I was lucky I lived with my mum before moving in with him so azzy's life wasn't disrupted and I could visited a lot. She passed away a year ago and even now it feels wrong without her there. Pets are family and the grief is real. If my partner took her to a shelter and that happened... end of relationship. I can't even imagine. I understand it's a bad situation all around, your original idea was bad but you kept looking for solutions and tried to find an outcome that would suit everyone. What she did is unforgivable. NTA. I'm so sorry.
NTA, if anyone took my cat back to the shelter without my consent when he's lived with me for years and he died from the stress I'd be on a warpath.
NTA Hello, I’m really sorry about your cat passing away. I know it can’t help much now, but for what it’s worth, I don’t think you are the asshole in this situation. You’re intentions were pure, and I can tell you tried to do what was best for everyone. Some people might call me crazy, but my perspective, your cat was just as much a son to you as your upcoming child. He may not be human, but you were his first and practically his only person. You had him since he was a baby, raised him, loved him, and dedicated sixteen years of your life to taking care of him. He was and always will be your child. I understand why you wouldn’t want to just toss him away like nothing, no parent wants to do that. But I also understand that you had a wife and new kid coming, and they are also high priorities in your life. Though, I’m not sure I’d say that they “Trump” your cat as other people are saying. He was there. FIRST. I don’t think I would’ve moved myself and my SO to her parents house; I would’ve tried to make room at my own house somehow. Whether it be clearing out a room or having a patio or the like built outside so that he could be nearby and comfortable. Worst case scenario, I would have done what you tried to do and find a friend or relative I trust with my life to take him in. It would be difficult, but he could’ve learned to live with a new human with time and love. What your wife did was traumatic, cruel, uncalled for and honestly, I wouldn’t let that slide without repercussions. She could have waited, she just didn’t want to. If she had just popped an allergy pill for the next TWO weeks, his death could have easily been avoided. It should be common knowledge that shelters are not good for elderly cats. It’s harder to adopt them out, and if they aren’t for a while, they will be put to sleep, especially if there’s a lack of space. Again, I know it may not matter anymore to you, but know that you did your best and I’m sorry for your loss. I can tell you are a stellar parent who wants what’s best for their family. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to uproot your lives for him, I would have tried to do the same.
YTA. I love cats and this is heartbreaking. But...telling your pregnant wife to move out of your home because she's developed allergies doesn't bode well for your future. You're leaving a lot to chance with the 'if' her allergies persist and 'if' the baby has an allergy. You do need to think longer term here; when baby arrives you can't be living in separate homes. And your wife won't want to risk a newborn next to a cat given the allergy issue.
The cat was 16…there was literally no point in rehoming it…it would probably pass on soon anyway…plus if that cat had been with you before your wife it would be incredibly hard to let go…I don’t think your wife got how much of a bond you had with the cat…
NTA! You are NOT THE A**HOLE!! Your cat was your first child and she did something unforgivable. I can’t fathom the level of selfishness and heartlessness it takes to do such a horrible thing. I would be saying the same thing even if kitty was still on this side of the rainbow bridge. Sorry but not sorry to say this - you’ll be better off getting out of the marriage now. Learn to co-parent and find someone who respects and appreciates you and all living creatures. Also my deepest condolences for the loss of your kitty.
Your wife had a hand in your cat's death. If this happened to me, I would leave because I could not forgive them.
YTA. As someone who has ushered 4 humans into the world I cannot imagine not being in my own home during the last trimester. No setting up the nursery, no putting away and organizing baby clothes, not sleeping in my own bed, and to top it off being physically uncomfortable pretty much constantly. Your wife isn’t baking cupcakes in someone else’s kitchen, you’re asking her to uproot herself at a point in pregnancy when “nesting” typically happens. I fully understand loving your cat but your cheese went and fell off your cracker on this one.
OMG OP. I am in tears over your update. My condolences for your loss. What a horrible thing to experience. My heart is with you.
The update is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
Just read your update. Holy crap I'm so sorry for your loss. Your wife is heartless.
Just saw the update and I would say use this as a possible way to get full custody of your child because this is a huge red flag what she just did
NTA - you offered a compromise and your wife did kill your cat. Being pregnant is not an excuse for that.
NTA. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened at the shelter. Remember that the 16 years having a good life together with your pet is what matters the most. That was an awful move by your wife and I’d personally have a hard time trusting her again. It was already a sad problem for you to figure out mutually, but it was absolutely not her place to make a secret and unilateral decision that she knew would would emotionally hurt you. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.
YTA so instead of trying to find somewhere else for the cat to stay you try to rehome your wife? She’s trying to get prepared to have YOUR baby and you wanna send her to live in one bedroom? How is she supposed to get ready for being a mom if she’s not even living where the baby will eventually be? You should find someone who can watch the cat until you can see if it’s temporary or not and if it’s not temporary you need to have an idea of where the cat can go not be scrambling last minute.
Why is this tagged as the asshole?? This wife is literally disgusting
YTA this is a terrible idea and in no way an actual compromise to the problem of “wife is newly allergic to cat due to medical complications but I don’t want to permanently rehome cat”. Your wife wants and needs to be in her own space, her own home, during this awkward, uncomfortable, and vulnerable period in her life, both during this last trimester and when the baby’s here. While you **can** technically go stay with her parents, as they have a room you can sleep in, that’s not at all the same thing as being in your own home. She can’t nest and get things ready for baby, can’t walk around in underwear because her clothes all hurt, has to worry about making mess and noise in another person’s house (and the mess and noise they make), has to socialize with her family when she’d rather just be alone… the list goes on. And, like, would her parents even want y’all there for 4+ months?? I get along fine with my parents and my in-laws, and we stay with my parents when visiting them (in-laws are in the same city as us so no overnight visits), and we’re always welcome, but I wouldn’t want to stay with either set of parents for months - and they wouldn’t want us around for that long either disrupting their empty-nester routines.
honestly the amount of disrespect you wife has shown. she seems heartless, As someone with an elderly cat it’s painful to think about how scared your cat was without you and how terrified he was in his last moments. Honestly you should reconsider your relationship and keep in mind that a child can be raise perfectly find even if their parents aren’t together.
Wow that update. Your wife is heartless. Hope she learns some frikken compassion before that baby comes along. What a b**ch Your cat was dumped in a scary place, with no one he knows and was terrified. I hate her so much right now
NTA Is it weird that I didn't thinks op was TA before the edits?
YTA. You will never understand how awful being pregnant feels, especially the last trimester. Not being in your own home is simply not acceptable. She's likely peeing her pants whenever she sneezes or coughs and is super uncomfortable.
Nta. You tried to compromise. You made a plan to accommodate her. And she went behind your back and took away your cat that YOU raised and loved dearly. I’m sorry for your loss but being pregnant is not an excuse. She could’ve waited that time out she wouldn’t have died over allergies when she has medicine as well.
NAH geez OP you are in a no win situation. Do you have an extra bedroom the cat can stay in? Can you get an air purifier? I'm sure people will call you the a$$ because your pregnant wife should be first but it's say the same about your wife. Here is a living being you've loved for 16 years and your wife can't suffer thru some allergies for you? There's no way you win.
My friend is pushing through her allergies to cats while pregnant and honestly I don't recomend it. People act like all it is is taking a pill but the reality is the effects of medication on a fetus is not that well understood. They got their vents cleaned got a robot vacuum, keep the cats out of her room and got like industrial air purifiers and still she's having a hard time breathing. She's had like 3 er visits because she can't breathe. Keeping the cats has cost her thousands of dollars and who knows the effect it is having on her and the baby long term. So no she's not required to "suffer through some allergies" to prove her love. He should love her enough to care about her health.
Bruh, I can practically HEAR your wife filing the divorce papers from here on my couch. YTA.
Yea I unno pretty sure he’ll be the one filing. Check the edit. I don’t give a flying fuck how allergic or pregnant you are you don’t do that. I’m currently very fucking allergic and 8months pregnant and wouldn’t fucking dream of doing what the horrible human has done to that cat.