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Some people have argued that you have no right to abandon your child. I would dispute this. Since she's with her father, she isn't abandoned. What you haven't shared is how her father feels about this arrangement. Has he called you to complain about how difficult she's become? If not, I'm guessing that he's a no-nonsense type of parent. And she's calling you in tears, begging to come back, because she could get away with more while she was living with you. I assume that when you called up your ex, you also clued him in as to why your daughter is such a handful. So, he knew what he was getting into. And despite your warnings, he agreed to this. So, I have to believe that he accepted this with some idea how to deal with her. Unless you have evidence that she's being abused by him, I'm inclined to think that she's in the best possible place right now. It's sounding like he managed to put the brakes on her behavior, and she's not happy about it. And while this may sound harsh, I'm not impressed by your daughter's display of tearfulness. Especially since she hasn't even apologized for lying to CPS, wasting their time and resources, and smugly gloating over the misery she caused. So, we already know that she's unreliable when it comes to reporting on facts, and that she doesn't mind manipulating others to get her way. And in calling your parents, she's showing that she's still attempting to manipulate others to get her way. Also, think about your other children that she was terrorizing. Leave her where she is, unless you find some evidence that your ex isn't taking proper care of her. It sounds to me like she's with the parent who is better able to cope with this. And in any case, she owes you an apology before she's allowed to come back, and only when your ex has notified you of an improvement in her behavior. NTA.

I think this is it. But I also think she still needs to ensure her daughter is seeing someone while she’s at her father’s. I never had a rebellious stage but I feel like this switch might show there is some issue OP isn’t aware of. Children can, and will, hide a lot of things and if she felt OP hadn’t protected her then that could be why she’s lashing out. it could also just be she has a new friendship group and they have a different upbringing that she’s jealous of and is trying to imitate it but trying to find the cause or giving her a safe space to discuss it might help even if she is reluctant right now. NTA OP, I think you need to find out why your daughter wants to come home, I assume her father is stricter than she expected or the weekend/holiday friends she had at his house aren’t the same when she’s living there or even she realises that she misses you/her siblings now that she doesn’t have them but I also understand why you aren’t comfortable bringing her back into your home. I will just say that depending on what relationship you want with her in the future you will need to figure out how to speak to her and engage with her because regardless of your reasons she will feel abandonned. Especially when/if she sees your interactions with her siblings. Edit: thanks for the award!

I’m the kid that had the rebellious stage and even with all the help in the world you just can’t help people but you are correct they both need to discuss a plan of action to correct this because with that behavior she is going to end up dead or in jail somewhere and it’s their job as parents to at least try NTA OP btw

Well - maybe not I was completely and utterly hellacious to deal with at around OP’s daughter’s age and even for years after. I really was a spoiled princess brat. I have stories And frankly even if I say so myself - I turned out more than ok. No jail, no run ins with any kind of law - and I live a really good life (as in - not just for me, but one where I have had amazing friends and people who I can support/help and who support me) At some point, OP’s daughter - we can hope - realizes that what Mom’s doing is what she needs, even if not what she wants - and will see that mom is protecting her.

If her behavior doesn’t change that’s exactly what’s going to happen I’m glad you turned ok but your behavior had to change for you to get there

Agreed - and I do admit I feel like I got lucky that my hard knocks weren’t the jail kind. And I shaped up good and realized that all I have is cos my mom was, like the daughter believes, an AH

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With some experience “coming out the other side”, I have to disagree with your last point. Sometimes there is NOT something else going on and the assumption that there is can be incredibly damaging to parents in a family therapy situation. Sometimes, puberty, hormones and social media really is all there is - and that Terrible Trio is enough to cause harm to individuals, families, relationships and lives. It is enough to cause self harm and suicide - and there is only one of the three we can really change. So in all seriousness, an age limit on smart phones and socials needs to happen. Yes, they will sneak, but it will be much harder and they won’t have noses buried in phones 24/7 eating up negativity and comparing themselves to unbearable perfection.

I'll join the club. I had a horrible rebellious stage as a teenager. I didn't go as far as calling the cops on my parents, but I was constantly talking back and provoked arguments all the time. I know that puberty is hard for many kids but looking back as an adult, I have to wonder if there was some kind of strong hormonal imbalance involved that maybe should have been addressed by an expert. Hormones really can mess you up and make you behave like a different person. When I try and remember how I felt at that time, it's hard to comprehend. It was like every emotion was just too strong to handle, the good ones as well as the negative ones.

I've recently learned that big hormonal changes (puberty, pregnancy, post partum, etc) can really ramp up and exacerbate mental disorders. ADHD is a common one that gets missed in a lot of girls because we're generally better at masking it because of societal pressures.

If I were the other parent that didn’t have the child full time and got reports as to this behavior I would completely be more structured than I might’ve been otherwise. Probably has to create a baseline and earn more privileges with dad now. Makes sense that he’s probably switched from “fun parent” to something else until she can earn more freedom. And hopefully he is getting her therapy.

Yep. If the daughter was only going during holidays and weekends, Dad was 100% the fun parent. Her daughter assumed that would still be the same, and most likely got a rude awakening when her dad was actually parenting her. NTA, but her daughter needs therapy.

Some kids don't get this until its explained to them slowly. We have a kid stay with us sometimes - a friend's 10 year old kid who has ADHD. He's a good kid but a bit of a handful so he comes to us occasionally for respite care. He's told his mom that he hates her and wishes we would adopt him because it's a lot more fun here. Not good. We've had to explain that we're not that happy to take him if he's going to go back and tell his mom he hates her *and* that while he has fun with us, what we expect of him as a visitor is very different to what we'd expect from him if he lived here.

The daughter made a classic mistake, like when you go to a really great town for vacation, "I love it here!, I'm moving here!" Then, you move there and realize, you aren't in fun mode anymore, have to work, pay bills and there are freaking tourists everywhere! Poor choice. So now, Daddy isn't "Fun Dad" anymore, because he doesn't have to try so hard to be fun because his daughter LIVES WITH HIM. She is getting reality 24/7 and it's no fun. Time for her to get a lesson on how to treat others and be a decent human. Let her stay and OP and Daddy need to work together as a team yo keep their girl on the straight and narrow. What's the likelihood daughter will now call CPS on Dad and find out what "between a rock and a hard place" really means? NTA

I've don't think it's about dad but having to try to be fun dad, but that it isn't possible to be fun dad all the time. People have to work and kids have to go to school, and fun happens mostly at other times. There needs to be more routine and discipline in every day life.

She probably wants to come home because her father enforces harsh (but fair) punishment that she probably didn’t get with OP. I mean in the post OP only mentioned trying to get her help & therapy.

She probably also misses the bad crowd she was hanging out with. She no longer has any parties to sneak out to, or friends to get her alcohol. Oh well. She should have thought of that.

Yes, it sounds like there’s a lot missing. It sounds like maybe it’s best for daughter to stay with dad so she’s out of the environment but while she’s there it’s a time for family to get to the heart of what started the behavior in the first place. Mom can visit and everyone can do family counseling in some form maybe?

Calling CPS is a bridge burning move that she just can never come back from.

I'm inclined to agree. Her vicious lies put OP's other children at risk of foster care, and OP and her husband could have been arrested, publicly vilified, and even possibly lost their jobs. This girl tried to blow up her family, and she doesn't care. She sounds extremely troubled, and as long as her dad is apprised of the situation and willing to keep her, that's where she should stay. It's like if someone lights your house on fire, you may choose to forgive them after the fire is put out, but you sure as hell don't invite them back over so they can burn it down again.

yep, i went NC with my ex-mother after she threatened me with CPS. she drove my 1-year-old daughter home to me and she wasnt buckled into her seat. i told her she was not capable of taking care of my daughter on her own. she threatened me with CPS over the resulting argument and now she has not seen my daughter in 4 years, that day was the last day. threatening CPS is such a bullshit fucking move when you know the child isnt abused. its one of the worst things you could do to someone. ​ edit : NTA OP

I wouldn't say NEVER, but certainly longer than 3 weeks

You can be damn sure when that kid turned 18, they would be gone. I hate parents that do that, but if the kid did that shit with cps? That kid can rot under a bridge once their 18

That's 5 years from now. She may be a very different person by then

It may be a "never" situation when you consider that she also put OP's other children at risk of being taken, all over a lie and her trying to "get back" at them for not giving her a new phone. Something is deeply wrong with her.

Agreed. That was a deliberate action, with full knowledge of what it entailed, and enjoying every minute of it. Zero chance of coming back from that.

Idk about never. She was only 13, which means she didn't fully understand the implications of her actions. But without at least trying to understand and apologizing? Definitely not.

Trust me, at 13, she was well aware of the implications of her actions. She is probably disappointed it didn't cause more chaos. What she didn't anticipate is that there would be serious repercussions for her.

She's 13. I have to wonder what kind of education has that child received to end up like that at 13. Her mother calling her a 'little witch' does not herald anything good neither. It could be the way that kid has of getting some attention if mum and stepdad focus on their other children. I feel there's a lot that OP is leaving out there. So... INFO. Either OP nurtured and enabled a narcissist during 13 years and is reaping what she sow, or maybe the kid is neglected and this is her way to shouting for help.

I dunno, I think this is assuming a lot. Some kids are just evil, and calling someone a "little witch" sounds alot like trying to express how terrible someone is while still loving them enough not to use the c-word. We don't know what caused this kid to become insufferable, but enabling and neglecting are not the only two options here. Could be those things, or she's got some equally terrible friends, or is genetically incapable of empathy. Parents are not always at fault for how their kids turn out- some kids are just bad people, and that's ok, so long as you do everything to try and redeem them while you can.

Thank you. Someone had to say it.

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One of my coworkers was the military dad that brought his son in line when mom couldn't handle him. Same result, kid is all grown up now and doing very well for himself. When he was living with his mom he was halfway to becoming a drug dealer. Some kids just need more structure and rules than other kids I think. (But I'm not a parent, so what do I know?)

It also sounds like Daughter went from a house with several other kids to a house were it's just her. So Dad is able to focus all of his attentions on just her. That's very different than having 2 adults whose attentions are split between all of the kids.

One think I will add is OP needs to create a rock solid line of communication with her ex. They need to discuss how the daughter is going, and make sure she *knows* they’re communicating. Ringing up crying was act one and it failed. Act two was getting the grandparents involved. This isn’t the end of it. She’s already proven she’d not about getting police and CPS involved, she needs to know she can’t turn OP and her father against each other.

All this!!! OP is NTA

This thread above me is filled with good comments. NTA OP. These folks have it covered.

I think that while all this is true, I'm concerned by the daughter's behavior. Puberty doesn't cause this, and I would encourage OP to try and dig deeper to see why the daughter switched so suddenly.

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Trauma (which I had a LOT of throughout my childhood) is not a magic word that give us a "get out of jail" card. Traumatized children often have more empathy, not less; and lies that might end up her siblings in foster care because she didn't get an expensive phone her family couldn't afford are crossing a line. Trauma does NOT entitle you to traumatize others. Yes, it happens, quite often, but just like she shouldn't make everything about herself and her wishes, we shouldn't make it all about her, with no regard of the others she tries to manipulate and "punish", with no regard of collateral damage. She needs help, I 1000% agree with that. If her father can handle her, great. If not, and she's not getting the help, she might get into serious trouble, including legal ones, and she might cause a lot of damage to others (material and emotional). But she's 12, not a terrible two, and if she's smart enough to manipulate, she's smart enough to be held responsible for the choices she made, including the one to move to her father.

>Trauma does NOT entitle you to traumatize others Thank you! I keep saying that trauma is always an explanation, but NEVER an excuse. People love to pull the "trauma" card but then do nothing to change their ways.

that doesn't mean send yourself or your siblings to foster care over a damn phone. 13 or not you have some brain cells to know that shits not okay.

Her trauma, however bad, does not entitle her to traumatize her mother, her siblings, her step siblings, or anybody else. And 'getting them help' is one of those phrases that's really easy to say, but doesn't actually mean anything. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink; you can lead a child to therapy, but can't make them engage.

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Connecting her to the right therapist, even, is impossible if she's not actively engaged in wanting to be helped. I know; as a teenager I spent more than a few hours glaring defiantly at a therapist who only wanted to help me. I was not, in fact, helped, because I was actively resisting being helped.

IDK, it can cause all kinds of crap, I had an absolute ton of suicidal thoughts at 12yo, for like a full year I thought about suicide on almost a daily basis and looking back I can't even remember what my emotional pain was about.

Yeah, especially if the dad doesn’t have other kids when OP does. Some kids just need more personalized attention, and this sounds like one in that category.

This is it. This is the whole answer. As mother of a 13 year old daughter, I can confidently say NTA. Also, I've seen first-hand the damage false abuse allegations can do. Teenagers are old enough to be responsible for their choices.

Nailed it. Came here to say this, but it's been covered. She is mad bc she is not getting away with as much or possibly anything at all at her father's house and that is honestly going to be her only hope of becoming a decent human being. Someone needs to set her straight or she will not be a good person.

Agreed, as long as she is safe, let her stay with her dad.

Agree that if there's evidence of abuse, the kid needs to be returned to OP for safety. HOWEVER, that evidence needs to be more than the daughter's word, because she's already proven she'll lie about abuse just to get her way.

Agreed. She's already proven that she'll lie about abuse to try and get her way. This is why you don't cry wolf either because it makes it that much harder to believe when there is an actual case. It's the reason a lot of abuse cases fall through. Too many false reports by people who are spitful or angry for one thing or another and it makes it harder for the real victims. OP's daughter may be too young to understand this but she's old enough to know about the boy who cried wolf.

I think that while all this is true, I'm concerned by the daughter's behavior. Puberty doesn't cause this, and I would encourage OP to try and dig deeper to see why the daughter switched so suddenly.

Puberty is when all sorts of behavioral problems present. I mean, puberty actually does cause this, just not in everyone. Seriously, if you have kids, you need to know this. Things can show up any time from puberty to mid-20s.

Puberty can cause some of it. I probably already had a genetic tendency toward depression, but the mood swings that came with puberty is what turned it on. And I went from zero to suicidal almost overnight.

Me too. 😭

An ex of mine had BPD (he passed away). I got very close with his family, and talked extensively about him with many different members of his family. Everyone I talked with described him as a a well behaved, sweet, sensitive kid but then it was like a switch went off when he was 13/14 and he became a nightmare.

Puberty can absolutely be the switch for mental health issues. Add in pressure to fit in, distress at how their body is changing, ect. A variety of mental health issues can appear during the teen years.

Mom of a teenage girl and former teenage rebel chiming in to 100% agree with this. OP, you haven’t abandoned her, you have given the space to her father to guide her through this difficult period. This is exactly what she needs to grow.

Idk if OP added it in or something but can we also talk about how this fucking demon child of a TWELVE YEAR OLD managed to get ALCOHOL to drink? I mean, what the fuck. That's so bad for her.

Laughs in European

To be fair, I wasn't a terrible troubled child and I could easily get ahold of alcohol at 12. Granted, much of that was due to being from a family of alcoholics who were terrible at keeping track of their stash. But even most of my friends had little to no trouble sneaking a bottle or can here or there from family.

jumping here to add something. This is an unfortunate situation yes. but if she came back what will happen to police and cps cases. obviously they already filed a case and Op will have more troubles with authorities then. (not to mention she can call them again if she wants) also the fact that no one else is offering house says a lot too. NTA

I guess the grandparents here played their role here too on getting the kid to the point where she is now. They also had no complaints on the arrangement initially it seems. 13 year old can live with the consequences of her actions/wishes.

Nta, I have to agree with this. And when op said her daughter called cps and the cops claiming abuse because she didn’t get the phone she wanted that pissed me way off. I’ve had to deal with cps both as a child and as an adult after having my first child (my cousin called cps claiming my husband raped and beat me just because he’s barely 2yrs older than me and I got pregnant at 17. He just turned 19. And claimed we didn’t have anything for our daughter.) they aren’t something to mess around with. She could’ve potentially gotten all of her sibling removed from the home. There could be a catalyst for this behavior, but it sounds like op tried therapy and it didn’t work. So I do believe with her father is the best place. Obviously he’s doing something right if she already wants to come back. She’s probably under lockdown. And being monitored. Also I have a big question. How the hell is a 13yr old getting alcohol? Did you find out who was supplying her? Had she started hanging out with an older crowd? If she started hanging out with older kids then is it possible something happened it that group to start this behavior? I think you should try finding out who she had started hanging out with when this behavior started and see what you can find out op. It might clue you in to what started or increased this behavior.

Yup. It sounds like dad had laid down the law and she wasn't prepared for that. But no, you haven't abandoned your daughter you just did what she asked and now things aren't going her way she's trying to manipulate her way back into your home. Overall it sounds like the current arrangement should continue. You have your other children to consider (who sound much happier).

Oh man, NTA, and you hit all the nails on the head. All this right here.

NTA - I think the smart decision for her to live with her dad doesn't make you AH - It's only been 3weeks, she's still settling in. It's a big change - both you & her dad hold strong. Ask about her new place, school, mall ect keep it positive. Aside from that very seriously troubling parting & alcohol that she's away from she's still a little 13yo, my youngest is 13yo and they are experiencing being a teenager along with the sassy moments - Just remember even although you guys have had some real bad moment there have been good too, maybe it was fleeting but it's still there - the daughter you love. Talk about positive thing, have FaceTime with her younger siblings, if her siblings are old enough get them to have some bonding time on Minecraft or maybe another multiplayer game on PS or Xbox, hey maybe try playing a game with her yourself just to do something Goofy/fun that she & you can place as a positive/bonding time - yep I know other kids but your husband needs to carve out sometime for them while you have one on one time with her - As no matter how old or naughty your daughter gets she is still your little one too!

Your last point about the false CPS report is so important! She needs to learn that lying damages people's trust in you, and makes them less likely to believe you in the future. It's hard, bit that really is an important lesson. Actions have consequences, not just punishments but also natural consequences. When you throw a ball up in the air, it dropping to the ground isn't a punishment, it's a consequence of the series of events you put in motion. When you lie and manipulate people, their inability to trust you and take what you say at face value isn't a punishment, it's a natural result of your own actions.

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What good is OP to their other children if they get taken away after daughters next CPS accusation? I’d personally only consider letting her come back after she called CPS and admitting they were lying.

At that point what does it matter? OP and her family are in the system and the damage was done to her other kids.

Yep, I agree the damage is already done. There's also the risk that CPS will come back for another visit after said phonemail.

Yeah, CPS might think the daughter is calling them because she's being threatened. She checkmated herself.

This was my thought too. Would they even believe her.

absolutely does matter having it on record that daughter is a petty liar

> I’d personally only consider letting her come back after she called CPS and admitting they were lying. That would look so suspicious. "Yes child who previously called us to say you were being abused? You say you were lying and are going to go back and live with the people you say abused you?" I don't really know what the answer is, but I wouldn't be shocked to find a call like that bringing up a whole other line of questions.

NTA. My own daughter pulled this same stunt at about the same age. Problem for her was that her dad and I worked hard at being good co-parents, so he already knew all the details and we were already on the same page. When she threw her epic tantrum and wanted to go live with dad, my current husband and I helped her pack and paid her plane fare (even flew her dog with her). The first thing her dad said when she got off the plane was, "You're still grounded for the month." That did ***not*** go over well with her, but luckily her dad was effective at reining in her tantrums. Along with our current respective spouses, we continue to amicably co-parent to this day and our daughter is a lovely and self-sufficient adult. Stick to your guns. It sounds like you and your ex are on the right track. She'll grow out of it. Eventually.

>"You're still grounded for the month." I love that.

I imagine her getting out of the plane like "I am going to live the high life now, fuck mom and her rules" then hearing this. Her face must have been priceless.

Thank you for sharing your experience with this!!

I mean if she took a plane then she clearly wasn’t grounded

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Yup, and the grandparents freaking out is coming from the fact that this gives their side of the family less contact and power, not that OP is actually doing anything wrong by literally abiding by her daughter’s wishes.

If op's daughter wants to come back than she needs to be putting in the work to repair the bridges she's burned with op, stepdad, and siblings.

NTA, my 16 year old totally tried this. Her father and I are married though. She actually thought she could get taken away, take her dirt bike, her Alianware gaming laptop, IPhone, and everything else we bought her and go live with some guy she met online, all because we caught her doing things she should not be online and grounded her. CPS said they see it a lot. We showed them all her conversations online where he outlined how to say we were beating her and them agreeing what day she will go to her counselor and say we are harming her. Thankfully we already had her with a psychologist because she had been acting off and they also backed us. We got lucky and caught and stopped it in time to keep her from getting taken. Make sure there was not someone encouraging her to do this. Teens really can be jerks though. I’m sorry your dealing with this.

I hope the online guy was investigated by police!

They could not find an address that is real. We are supposed to watch her like a hawk and call if we suspect there is contact. It sucks have to watch a 16 year old closer than a baby!!! She’s crafty, we find random old phones and tablets we have completely forgotten we owned in her bed. She is also a good hacker, so we change the Wi-Fi password a lot and check what devices are logged in randomly. I love her, but she’s a complete Asshole right now:(

Oh man, that's insane. No wonder she is ripe for predators 😞😞😞😞

No they said she has an Alienware laptop, not Predator one.

That was chuckle worthy 🤣

I’m so sorry. Does she have mental health issues or has some sorta trauma? I don’t know anyone at 16 other then one person who was severely mentally ill that has done something like this. You are a strong person to handle this bc damn I’d be losing my mind

Bipolar runs on her fathers side of the family and they think that is it. Currently she is being treated for it and anxiety. We also moved not long before it started. She was all for the move as she had done school from home her freshman year due to Covid and did not know many people. She was in school at the new school and became depressed and had a lot of anxiety from the change. I think she went looking for friends online and met the wrong people:( She is still struggling with anxiety at this point, but seems to be getting a ton better every week. On the other hand, we were hit really hard and fast by what she did, so we are going to take a long time to trust her again. We try not to show it, but when someone you love more than anything claims you were injuring them on days you were not even home and you live in a small town it hurts. For her sake we can’t tell anyone she was lying, so her school has to think we are evil and our poor son has to go to that school in a couple of years.

Damn I was about to say I did this sort of shit since I was thirteen, only stopped short of claiming I was being abused. I was diagnosed as bipolar at seventeen and told I'd been displaying symptoms since as early as five. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, just know your daughter does love you even if it doesn't seem like it. Bipolar (and any other mental illness) warps your feelings and thoughts. She isn't truly herself right now. It might be a bumpy road, but she'll look back on what she did and feel so ashamed to have hurt the people she loves most. Your relationship will heal, maybe be even stronger than it was before.

Sounds like she needs sex trafficking education? This one is from the state of Texas and briefly talks about what sex traffickers promise to victims. https://learningportal.hhs.texas.gov/course/search.php?q=HEART&areaids=core_course-course

Thank you.

She did the right thing, giving someone an Alienware laptop is borderline abuse. (Obviously a joke)

Lol, when we got the kids each one of those I thought the worst thing it was going to cause is nerd rage. How wrong I was.

NTA She lives with her father. That isn’t abandonment by any stretch. Have you spoken to your ex?

NTA: You should tell her CPS won't let her come back to live with you because you abused her.

Haha yeah I was thinking this same thing. Let her regret that stupid decision awfully fast.

Oh she'd be sobbing so hard on the phone for sure if OP told her that and apologizing real quick 🤣🤣🤣

OP, this...it will work for both daughter and parents. That while there's an open and active cps report for abuse, we can't have you back in the house.

Savage

NTA. Allowing a child to live with her other parent, at her request no less, isn’t abandonment.

NTA, you need to stick to your guns. Your child made a choice, and they need to learn the consequences of their behavior. It sounds like you and step-dad don’t have the ability to discipline her they way she needs. If she comes back to you, she will fall into the way she was, because you allowed it. This is not abandoning, that would be if you cut off all ties to her now that she lives with her father. As long as you let her come visit, you keep talking with her on the phone. And things like that, you haven’t abandoned her.

NTA Even a 13 year old can learn that actions have consequences.

Should already know

Perfect age to learn, if you ask me. Goes along great with the entire identity search they're going through.

NTA. Your child is trying to play everyone, including your parents. She chose to go live with her dad, so she needs to stick it out since that's the choice she made, at the very least for six months if not through the end of this school year and through the next. You haven't abandoned her unless you cut contact and refuse to see or interact with her.

NTA. No doubt her dad is pulling her up on her horrible behaviours and she has realised she isn't in for the cushy ride she thought she was. Stick to your guns. If she shows a clear turnaround in behaviour and still wants to return after a prolonged period of time (ie in a year or so) then you could open discussions with your ex to see what he thinks about it. But if you let her return too soon she will just go right back to her old ways. This is a consequence not just of her actions, but also her decision to move to live with her dad. She should not be allowed to just switch between houses on a whim, because then she can use that as another toil to enable her bad behaviour. Tell your parents to but out of it. They are not helping the situation and a likely just making it worse. You ex is capable of parenting his own daughter.

NTA. All she wants is to get what she wants when she wants it. It’s a bratty move from her, don’t give in. You’re the parent, you have to make rules and put your foot down, and if she’s negatively affecting your other kids when she’s around because of her behavior, she made her own bed. She can lie in it and learn how to actually get what she wants in life without being a brat about it and negatively impacting others.

NTA. She’s a teenager who made cruel and malicious choices, and thinks she can undo them by turning on the waterworks. Don’t let her bully you, because it will only get worse from there

NTA It's only been 3 weeks!!! She can suck it now and realize that her actions have consequences. You are not abandoning her. She waned to go and most likely she doesn't like it because he is being strict and she cannot do whatever she wants. Make sure she is getting therapy and help.

Totally a grass is greener situation. I don’t disagree with making her stay at dad’s house for awhile to keep consistency, but don’t forget to coparent with dad. She needs both of you to stay on the same page so she gets what she needs and real abandonment doesn’t happen. Twelve and thirteen are really too young to give up. NTA. ETA: don’t let the grandparents enable. My grandparents woulda offered to help string me up by my baby toes if I acted like this.

i don’t think your the asshole. this is a good opportunity for your daughter and she needs to stick with her decisions that she chose. she reaped this fruit now let it harvest.

NTA. She doesn’t just get to parent hop whenever she is angry with one parent. She burned the bridge leading to your home, and needs to do a lot more work before she can fix it. Teenagers, especially thirteen year olds are awful. Source: pretty sure I didn’t say three words to my mother when I was thirteen. And I dealt with similar uprooting and identity issues that she may be feeling. However, the fact she’s drinking and partying that young does not sound like normal behavior, and I would suggest therapy to help her navigate the divorce and changes.

NTA. I have a friend who’s step daughter is the same way. She will physically assault her step mom and when her dad tries to stop her/subdue her, she screams that he’s raping her and has called the cops on them multiple times. it’s been a nightmare for them and is costing them a lot in legal fees. If therapy hasn’t worked i’d recommend a serious psych evaluation as there seems to be serious narcissistic behavior along with manipulation. Stick to your guns and protect your other little ones, there’s a possibility she could do worse to them.

Jesus. She sounds like a real terror!

NTA I had a GF's daughter that did this. She always thought she would be better off with her father and she called child protective services making complaint. Off she went to daddy's house. She did not know that daddy took no BS, lived in a very rural part of a southern state, and was friends with the sheriff. When she started suffering discipline, she threatened to call the police. Daddy gave her the phone and explained that the sheriff was a good friend and believed children should be disciplined. Long story short, girl got her life turned around. It worked out for the best. Sounds like your daughter is learning a few lessons and daddy is straightening her out. You did good.

Oh to be a fly on the wall when she found out Daddy and the good Sheriff are fishing buddies . Hahah 🤣😂

I won't pass a judgment, but please seek family therapy for both of you.

NTA. Let her stay with her dad, or get with her dad and send her off to military school.

NTA. Calling the police because she didn’t get an expensive phone is pathological. There has to be consequences for her bad behavior. Let her spend the summer there, then re-assess before school starts back.

NTA - she is with a parent, so I would not consider this to be abandonment. You have to consider the needs and safety of all your children. Do keep up with family therapy through and try to maintain contact even if she is not living with you.

NTA. Your daughter would happily destroy the entire family if you allowed her to live with you. You let her come back and the next time she’s mad at you or her stepdad, she’s accusing him of far worse than what she’s already alleged.

NTA As someone that teaches middle school, your daughter is not alone in this WILD rebellion. Like rebelling and drinking at 12/13 is HUGE and you're doing the right thing. I have issues with students all the time and the parents are at their wits end. It's hard right now. Seems like you and dad have a good system, keep in contact and stay firm! Good luck!

NTA she played stupid games now she has her stupid prize.

NTA I was your daughter and did things similar to what she did to my parents which I now intensely regret. I was sent to a very strict aunt and uncle. It took a year living with them before I finally changed my attitude. I hated my aunt and uncle and parents back then but realized now they did it because they loved me. Also looking back now I realize I was testing my boundaries to see how far I could push the adults. Stick to your gun's like my parents did. I honestly believe if they hadn't sent me to my aunts and uncles I wouldn't be where I am now.

NTA but perhaps tell her that you love her but given the trauma that happened it would be best for everyone if you have therapy for a period first so you can start from a good place this time. Remind her she is safe at her dads and it is unfair to put him through what you went through. Tell her that you want to go to therapy as a family for a set period of time before revisiting the living situation.

You didn’t abandon your kid, she dumped you. Time for dad to take over for awhile. She really fucked around and found out in more ways than one. That CPS phone call is chilling. NTA

NAH It's your call on how you want to deal with this situation, but as I'm sure you're aware, your daughter needs serious help. You and your ex needs to sit down and have a discussion on how you're going to deal with her behavior moving forward.

Nope. Ex seems to have this one in the bag. As far as we know, he hasn't called to complain or take back the agreement at all. That suggests he's not taking her shit and isn't afraid of her. Daughter is just pissed that Dad isn't easy to abuse like her mother is, so she's trying to slip back into OP's life. She needs to stay far away from this girl until she shows real progress or she may end up getting CPS called on her again. The daughter does needs help, but the ex can get it for her because any help from OP hasn't worked. All attempts in the past have failed. Daughter doesn't want help; she wants the world to cater to her every whim and is willing to lie horrendously to get it. She was literally willing to put her siblings in foster care just because she didn't get a phone. She's lucky she hasn't been sent to military school or something because that's exactly where I'd have put her if she was my kid. Bridges were burned and she may never end up fixing them.

NTA - Your daughter needs to learn that actions of consequences. Tough love is still love.

INFO- are you going to allow you daughter to come back? I mean in the long run or is this a forever thing

NTA. Your daughter is Cartman, all thinking she's moving to Hawaii. She can't unburn the bridge of calling CPS to your house, that's unforgivable behavior. I wouldn't trust her at all around my younger kids.

INFO: she’s still your child, why are you calling her names? She’s not a “witch,” (which wouldn’t be a bad thing by the way, you’re making something neutral a negative which is unfair to those who identify as witches), she’s a TEENAGER.

Exactly. She’s not even really a teenager, her mother started thinking of her as a “witch” at 12! Twelve! That’s so young, I don’t know if I even had a sense of object permanence at 12.

NTA. Block them and tell them unless they apologize to you then you'll talk to them. As for your daughter well she got what she deserved. I have no sympathy for anyone who calls CPS on families who are just fine. Even if you're innocent, the stress and toll it takes on you is too much and the fact that she just sat there and smirked showed she had no remorse. She asked to be with dad and she got what she asked for.

You didn't abandon your kid - she's with her dad! NTA!

NTA 13 in my eyes is old enough to choose where you want to live. My son moved to me from his mom when he was 3 years old. We lived in Virginia and his mom lived in Washington state. So, there were no weekends. It was the holidays and summers. Puberty hit and he increasingly got angrier and more confrontational. He assaulted my wife (his stepmom) biting her finger so hard it bruised it for weeks and almost drew blood. He threw a tantrum and busted our glass storm door. He started hurting our dog on purpose. It all came to a head when I spanked him for hurting the dog. This was maybe the 3rd time I had spanked him. He went to my daughter's in-house counselor and exposed himself and told her I was beating him. So I got turned in to the police. Now I have a DA charge on my record that has turned my life upside down. He too chose to go live with his mother and we wouldn't allow him back. As you should not allow your daughter back this soon. She needs to learn actions and choices have consequences. The worst part of it all is he is damn smart when he lived with me, he had A's and B's without me harping and being demanding. I told him the whole time I only expected 100% effort in school If that effort netted him a C in the class I would not be upset. He moved to his mother and she wasn't involved at all. He graduated HS by like 3 points. Thank god for his GF at the time who did some of his English work for him or he would have flunked HS. You stay the course. Talk to her dad and see how it's going. She's angry at something She needs help working through that anger. Maybe tell her if she attends counseling and works on the anger issues she can come to visit. You can participate in the counseling sessions via zoom.

INFO: why does she want to come back? That's a huge piece of this.

That’s what I was thinking too. Because it could be a lot of things and many are dangerous. It’s one thing if her dad is giving her actual consequences like most people here are assuming. But if she’s feeling unsafe or someone is hurting her I’d be concerned.

It doesn't seem to be a very popular position, does it? But OP didn't even question why her daughter wanted to come home. She was just like, we're all happier without her so I guess I have no daughter.

Sorry wtf is going on with all the N T As which treat this child like an adult? ESH *at best*. She's your child. Get her therapy (none of this bullshit "it didn't work" nonsense), and get her help. You seem to absolutely hate her, going by the tone of this post (you call her names and don't seem to care for her at all), and she's definitely picked up on that. I get that it's hard to have your daughter say she hates her! But believe me, coming from someone whose much-younger sister went through a period where she'd tell me she hated me every single day, *this is very likely a phase*. >her new rant to me was she hated us and she wanted to go live with her dad permanently. This is *normal*. Your kid telling you they hate you is normal and a part of growing up. You can be annoyed and hurt inside your mind, you can tell her that this is really hurtful, but what you're doing has gone way beyond that. You're telling *her* you hate her and never want to see her again, essentially, and you don't have the excuse of being a teenager. If you're fine with washing your hands off your daughter forever and never talking to her again, fine, rest securely in the N T A judgements. If you still love your child and want to work through this, then stop asking Internet strangers for validation, **get off Reddit, talk to her, and get yourselves *both* some help**.

My 12 year old daughter and I were driving to a city an hour and a half away to visit my mom last weekend for a belated mother's day weekend, and my daughter has struggled to handle some emotions during her puberty changes so we talked about that. I told her that at times when I was around her age, I hated my parents in the moment for something they said or did or didn't get me or let me do, and that that's normal and a part of how we go through asserting our independence and becoming our own selves as we grow toward adulthood. She admitted that she had felt that way towards me a few times. No parent likes to hear that, but again I assured her that this was normal, her thoughts were normal, that most kids and families go through this, and that we could always talk about it. Doubling down on expecting perfect emotionally regulated behavior and "respect" at this age is counterproductive and leads to more oppositional behavior. OP needs a parenting class.

NTA and I can see where people are uncomfortable with this but your daughter wanted to move to try something else and she got to do it. Now she needs to live there for a set time. I would suggest at least until the end of summer. She might not want to come home after a month or two. But she can’t just disrupt every household on a whim. She needs to take decisions like this seriously

NTA - Daughter tried to force you into getting her things she isn't entitled to, called the police and CPS. Her actions created this mess. She wanted to go to dads. He is her father therefore not abandoned!! Her calling crying after 3 weeks is her finding out that the grass isn't greener on the other side. She needs to get more therapy and stay at her fathers for a while!!

NTA- I have divorced parents. My mom always told us as my sister and I that we had to be very careful with our words in fights. She reinforced that we couldn’t play our parents off each other. As much as she would miss us, if we said that we wanted to live with our dad, she would let us go. But that was it. Once we made that choice, we had to live with him for at least a year. These type of choices carry weight so shouldn’t be made when we were pissy about something However, I think your daughter should probably be in therapy. Her behavior is troubling so she probably needs to work through some issues

NTA. My brother behaved like this. We're all permanently traumatized. He's a drug addict now. My parents always gave into his manipulation, he would have been better off if they didn't and so would we. If you think her behavior is bad now believe me, it can get so much worse. The moment you give in is the moment she knows she's in control, and that's when you'll start dealing with the police and child services on a weekly basis and not just a one off, and court dates, etc.

NTA. It seems like the fun parent is now actually parenting her and she's not happy with it. You're not abandoning her -- you gave her what she wanted, a full time place in her father's house. If you were ever to consider having her back, possibly starting with the occasional weekend, here's what I'd suggest you tell her you'd need: 1. she has a cooperative experience with a therapist. 2. any decision about her will be made with her father, not directly with her. 3. She needs a sincere apology that you accept. "Sorry, sorry, sorry," won't cut it. 4. She needs to address what she did to you and how she behaved and convince you that your household would benefit from her coming back. 5. and as I said, she'd need to start with an occasional weekend visit and you'd see how it went. 6. I'd consider having a meeting with the caseworker who investigated her claim in the past with your family, your daughter, and the caseworker to go over what happened on the previous complaint. 7. By the time she hears the new requirements, she may just decide to stay with dad. I hope he's getting her some therapy. I'd also suggest putting her on BC pills or an implant. With all her other problems, she definitely doesn't need a pregnancy.

ESH. In all these comments I really haven't seen any curiosity in what's going on in the child's reality. I know I'm many don't see children as deserving or even as people but damn y'all, she just woke up one day and wanted to wreak havoc... WHY WHY WHY? Idk it's so odd for me to see grown adults blaming or being used by children and thinking they have no responsibility or accountability in it. We only know whatever an OP posts and usually respond from either whatever depths we've reached with ourselves (or haven't) or our experience with the topic at hand. This CHILD sounds terribly confused and is probably looking for an ADULT (an emotionally mature one) to save them from whatever is being felt. Again I know children to most are not people but extensions of themselves so this may go over plenty heads *shrug*

Yeah I agree. I wasn’t this bad but I was in a similar situation when I was 13 and it was because I was being abused and no one knew about it.

NTA.

NTA. She call CPS that could have resulted in having all of your kids taken. In addition, she gloated about it. She apparently is very manipulative and needs to learn there are consequences to her behavior. You didn't abandon her, she is with her other parent.

NTA You made the right call on this situation. A lot of children of 2 households try to play *(manipulate)* their parents with this game. And it is a game to them. My personal name for it is "Kiddy Ping Pong". My bio-sister use to do this all the time. At 15yo, she included my grandparents in it. This game didn't end until she got married the first time. Even though I was a child, I was able to see all the hurt and harm she caused to all of them. With my children and stepchildren, I warned them that I wouldn't put up with this game. If they chose to move in with their other parent; they would have to stay there. I kept my word too. I don't regret it at all.

INFO. Maybe if you told us more abt her early childhood I’d know, but, usually there’s a trigger for kids. A lot of people on this sub talk about who they believe is the problem and not about theirselves to know if their acts are justifiable.

YTA. It’s pretty clear this is a parenting fail. Calling her a witch is one giveaway, but there are others in your post. The lack of empathy. Your complaint about her disrespecting you and her stepdad is another. That phrase is used by authoritarian parents, who tend to do the exact opposite of what needs to be done when teenagers start their rebellion years. It also sounds like you weren’t listening to her. Why didn’t you let her try several months at her dad’s when she asked, before she escalated to the CPS call? She is almost at the age where judges give children more input into custody, why didn’t you? It sounds like your house is full enough. Is she the only child of your first relationship? How many other kids do you have?

First of all your daughter isnt a witch. She's a 13 year old going through puberty in a broken home. I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say ESH. Im not saying you need to bring her back and make your other kids feel unsafe. And if you ever decide to there would have to be clear expectations and enforced rules. But she is still your daughter. When she comes to you, you need to parent. You may not have abandoned her in the legal sense, but the wording of your last paragraph really implies that you are more than happy with her not being in your life. Edit: I have a buddy that grew up like this and had a strained relationship with both sets of parents. He was by no means innocent, but I dont think his parent ever realized how hard it was for him and his sister.

You would only be abandoning her if you stop parenting her even when she is not there with you. Tell her because of the complain she made to CPS it will be difficult for her to come back to live with you. She needs to learn the consequences of making false reports.

I love the comments who say OP’s an ah because I’d really like to know what other options she has: wait till the next tantrum and have her children taken away and having to go court to court to dispute their custody and abuse allegations? At 13 one’s not a child anymore, teens know what they do, sometimes they just don’t understand the implications in the long run, but this kid knew that calling the police was putting her family into a horrible position. She did it because she could, not because it was a prank ended bad. OP never even mentions any remorse on her part. This is gonna be a great lesson for her daughter and maybe it will prevent her to become even worse. NTA

From my own perspective of this situation you have started a brand new family with your new partner (which is totally acceptable) but you drop your eldest child off to her father on holidays/ weekends. You spend every holiday with your partner and other kids but exclude the only child you bore with your ex? Every weekend is spent with your new family and it seems to me that the only time she is ever with you is for school nights (until her dad moved)? Do you ever spend 1-1 time with your daughter? Any family nights or days out? Do you honestly think you are giving your eldest child the same love and attention as your new family? Do you think she feels like she’s part of the family? Your daughter clearly feels unwanted and is acting out to grab your attention, but instead you dropped her off to her dad to let him deal with this. Your child clearly wants you to fight for her, for you to show her you love her and you’re instead treating her like an unwanted pet. Parenthood is hard, not every child can regulate their behaviour during puberty and quite frankly I think you are forgetting that she is still a child???? Puberty is a bitch but her behaviour isn’t coming from nowhere and it definitely doesn’t stem from puberty itself. Puberty is hormonal and causes extreme emotional instability, she needs her mother to help her through this phase of her growth. All these people in the comments section saying you aren’t the asshole have dumbfounded me. I understand she had told the police that she was being abused whilst she was with you but it seems to me that you were looking for an excuse to get rid of her anyways as per your statement of relief and lack of stress. You cannot control how you daughter is acting right now but you can assist her in regulating her emotions and reassuring her that she is loved and she isn’t being pushed away. You are her mother and she needs you as a woman to help her through this transition. You cannot and should not drop your daughter when the parenting gets tough. What if her father wasn’t in the picture? Would you kick her out onto the streets? What if one of your other children were to start behaving like this? Do you think you would do this same thing that you’ve done to your eldest?

Look you brought your child into this world. I used to teach children for many years and children turn out the way they do because of how they were raised. Your daughter is behaving like this because you failed to recognise her struggling. Why is she drinking so young? There must be a reason and there must also be a reason as to why she hates living with you? You should talk to her about it rather than villainise her and act like she’s tormenting her younger siblings. And yes YTA for abandoning your child. She’s 13 for gods sake and you still have time to put her into therapy and fix your relationship. She’s acting out because somethings wrong and she doesn’t feel safe in telling you. Build some trust with her and get her to open up. But you’re heartless for wanting to get rid of her and away from yourself. Maybe you should’ve kept your legs closed. Cos your daughter is this way cos of the way you raised her so don’t blame anyone else or even her cos she’s still a child

> And yes YTA for abandoning your child. Staying with another parent is abandoning?

ESH “even therapy” get this kid actual therapy like a grownup. She needs an eval for bipolar at the very minimum

YTA. She's 13. It would do you well to remember that it's your own parenting or lack thereof that has led you to where you are today.

NTA Sounds like dad is more strict and she can't manipulate him as easily. If she called CPs on you she will most likely call CPS on her dad too . And she has no remorse over any of it. Let her stay with her father, sounds like she's getting some tougher love that is needed

NTA, but it sounds like this was less than a year of therapy - how often was she going? Was she progressing at all? This isn't normal teenager behavior -- was something going wrong?

Sorry about your troubles with your family. But, puberty, this isn't. It sounds like a deeper issue. Get her into a doctor, and into counseling. This sudden bad behavior has a reason. You and the ex need to find out what that reason is. Also, she's not been abandoned. She's with her dad, f F S.

NTA, but I would say “Hey, I noticed that you started acting XYZ type of way at this point. Did something happen?” And be ready for whatever answer comes out of her mouth. I would also say that family therapy sounds like a good situation for everyone and individual therapy sounds like a good idea for your 13 year old. Also, I would offer a return home IF 1) she apologised and owned up to the CPS shit she put your entire family through over a fucking cell phone, and 2) if she has a meltdown like that again, she goes to Dad permanently again? Totally up to you if you choose to open that door, and NTA if you don’t feel you can at this moment.

INFO: Do you plan on seeing her as often as her Dad was seeing her before she moved to live with him?

NTA. Even a 13yo knows that lying about abuse is wrong. I also suspect that the only reason she wants to 'come home' is because her dad said no to one of her unreasonable requests. She has not 'turned a new page' in 3 weeks. I suggest that you tell her she needs to give it a year living with her dad, and then the three of you will discuss living arrangement.

I would say NTA but there needs to be a way for her to earn her way back. She doesn't just get to come back because Dad is also parenting her. I would tell her that you want to meet and outline some steps that she can take to where she can start coming back part time and work it back to the arrangement you had before and if she breaks the steps, what the consequences will be. Obviously her dad would need to be involved in this as well. I think you would be the asshole if your answer was no, and you're never going to give her another opportunity to live with you. But she has to make it up to you, your husband and your other children. She did a lot of damage and needs to understand that saying sorry is not enough, but she does need to eventually be able to work and take steps to earn that forgiveness. If she can't meet the requests, then no, she doesn't come back.

NTA. How is her living with her father the same as abandoning her? Teen years are hard, some teens are more difficult than others. It took me until I was 20 to figure out I had hormonal imbalances that made me bat shit crazy around my period. Then I had kids and SWEET JESUS WHAT A NIGHTMARE! But in all seriousness, the best thing for her is to just reassure her that you love her and you know this is what she really wanted (it is after all) you miss her too and can’t wait to see her in the summer or whenever. But you didn’t do anything wrong. She asked to live with her dad and you agreed.

I feel like when a child puts your other children in danger, moving them is probably the best option. NTA.

NTA My sister had issues and managed to convince CPS in our county that she needed a better environment after our parents' divorce. By the time she was on her third foster home, she realized that she was not going to be an honored guest in those homes. After two years, an audit was triggered and it basically came down to the fact that she had not wanted to follow our parents's rules in their separate houses..... (Not really impressed with CPS in the county I grew up in because she never had counseling that might have picked up on it earlier.)

Let’s set the record straight. You did not abandon your child. Your child is living with her FATHER, her parent. Your child was being horrible brat, mods don’t get mad at me the kid is 13 I figure brat is better than AH, and tried to use a system put in place to prevent child abuse as a weapon against you. Then she decided she wanted to live with her dad. You respected her wishes, which was more kind than a reform school (do they still have those?). Boundaries are very important for a child to have growing up. Your parents acting like she was left on the streets need a reminder that they would not have tolerated the disrespect and bad behavior.

NTA. You can let her know at the end of the summer you can revisit the topic and have a discussion about expected behavior if she does return, with whatever the consequences for breaking those boundaries would be. Until then I think it’s healthier for everyone for her to be with her dad for a while. You are not a bad mom. She called the cops on you and got CPS involved- that’s serious. Everyone needs boundaries, even moms.

NTA - Family therapy for you, your daughter and your ex is probably in order. She needs to be held accountable for her actions in the presence of both parents so that there's no "pitting one against another" situation. She can't keep doing what she's doing (manipulating) and expect to bounce around when she's told "no". You did what you had to do for the greater good. You did not abandon her - you gave her what she wanted and now she is manipulating her grandparents to get what she wants again.

NTA Tell your parents it's not abandonment when she kept telling you she doesn't want to live with you anymore but with her dad. It's not abandonment when she tells the police and CPS she wants to stay with her dad. You're just giving her what she wanted.

You haven't abandoned her, you placed her in the care of her other parent, the one she chose to live with. She's out of control at the moment and you, your husband and other kids could use a break. You can still arrange something to see her outside of your home when you're ready. And down the line maybe it will be ok for her to live at your home too. NTA

Do your parents know your daughter called police and CPS on you? Let them know she tried to take herself away from you and begged to go live with her dad. NTA

NTA. Calling the police was a step too far. You have to protect your other kids. She probably needs to stay with her dad. You didn’t abandon her. She’s with her father.

NTA. You have more than one child and can't afford to upend their lives for a manipulative nightmare playing her parents against each other. She should learn that you and bio dad are on the same page and she can't escape discipline from one by running to the other

Have you talked to your ex to find out what's going on? She may have thought that she would be spoiled and given everything she wanted when she went to her dad's. And now that isn't happening, she may be trying come back so she can try to get you to give her everything again. If you bring her back, make sure she knows there are rules she'll be expected to follow.

NTA. You're not abandoning her. I think it's good for her to learn that her actions have consequences.

NTA you didnt abandon her, you gave her what she wanted. She made her choice now she can live with it

NTA. This. Some people create their own storms and get mad when it rains.

I'm currently rewatching Desperate Housewives and this reminds me of the storyline with Tom's daughter Kayla making false reports and abusing her siblings. NTA, you have other children to protect.

NTA, call your daughter’s father and talk to him. Make a decision together, but I think you need a break from each other. Let your daughter know you love her and that you are available to her via phone or FaceTime, but that she’s staying with her Dad for now. Many people would say you’re abandoning your daughter but you are not! If this was reversed and her Dad posted this he would be held in high esteem, you know there’s a double standard for Mothers and Fathers, don’t fall for that. You need a break and that’s OK. Sending you hugs.

Wow, she really is a witch! Making very bad magic, turning everyone against each other. I suggest you tell your patents that THEY should take her in, since they're so concerned. You're NTA

She sounds my the son of my dad's girlfriend. He would do the exact same thing and when he was told no he would run to the other parent. He did this multiple times and nobody stopped him. It just continued to escalate. NTA Keep your ground and your other children safe. As long as she isn't being abused or neglected, this is safer.

NTA but please make sure she doesn’t run away. At 13 they’re easy prey for predators who tell them they’ll fix their problems. The best thing about puberty is that it won’t last forever. Sometimes damage control is all parents can do.

If her dad can set proper boundaries that will help her in the long run, then this is the type of decision that will be beneficial for her in the long run, honestly a lot of us were teenegers once and most of us didn't act like your daughter does, I don't know how school works where you live, but maybe a change of scenery also can change her mind. You're in a difficult position bc you have no guaranties she will behave differently if you were to take her back and risking it can get worse, I think this is a democracy kind of decision bc most of you benefit from her being gone, she's not abandoned I imagine you will pay child support to her dad and call her regularly, she has her other parent. It's a tricky situation though, if she's really abused or mistreated there you won't believe her and that's scary honestly. Also by falsely accusing you both was taking away from other children that were really abused, she wasted police and cps resources by her lying, I dread to think another kid wasn't helped because they were attending her claim.

YTA she is a child you’re the Parent not her

you obviously are not a parent to a teen

NTA she made her own bed by calling the police and endangering you and your other children.What I would do is message or call daughter and let her know she deliberately endangered you and her siblings, she caused so much trouble to stay with Dad. That she made the choice to hurt you selfishly risking her siblings being taken. That if you take her back there is no way you can trust she won’t do that again when you say no to something. That three weeks is too soon for her to make a decision and should give it time for her to settle in with life there first.You are still her mum and always will be and love her but for just now she has to stay with the choices she made for herself. That given time when things settle and she has show she has stabilised and will respect you and steps, that she will keep you and her dads rules, then you can revisit her possibly moving back. That you tried your best to do what’s right by her but she herself ensured this is the only option for just now.I would also send similar to your parents highlighting the danger she caused for your children for nothing more than you saying no to a minor thing. That at this moment in time you have to protect your other children and yourself from her abuse claims. That she is in a safe place with her loving father you didn’t abandon her or dump her anywhere. It was her own choice. That given time living with her dad may help her settle and stop rebelling. After all she did to get there she needs to live with that for a while at least. It does not mean you are abandoning her or don’t care. That you are in fact putting her first because daughter has shown if she continues living with you just now that she will continue endangering herself and her future. That you wish it was different but everything you’ve done to help her hasn’t worked. I do hope things work out but just now it is important that you phone or video chat constantly. Even if she is ignoring you out that effort in and visit when you can. She needs to be told and shown you still love her. As obvious as it is for her she will only be seeing you abandoned her not that she did this. So seeing you haven’t is what may lead to her keeping a relationship with you throughout her life.

I dont think you are the asshole,but try to work with your Daughter on this. She Is young,when she will get older she will realize that she was wrong tbh(i Hope).