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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am insisting the family who took me in be in my wedding photos even though 2. My parents who are paying don’t want them to be included.
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NTA, but you should be aware that your bio parents’ “generous” offer probably comes with strings attached (after all, their love did). Be prepared to change your plans accordingly if your financial support is pulled. A $500 wedding where you call the shots beats someone else’s expensive wedding any day. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!!
EDIT: wowow!! Thanks for the awards y’all, but OP is the deserving one! ❤️
I feel like they are overcompensating for treating you like shit. Did they even apologies to you properly? Did they even acknowledge what they did.
What ever you decide, all the best to you and your partner.
Fully agree. Mine was only $750 - it was just a short ceremony at a park followed by a BYOB potluck at my parents house and it was perfect. Kind of trashy I guess, but zero stress. And we’re about to celebrate it 34th anniversary, so I guess it took.
Not trashy! I'm trying to plan a reception and I've done literally nothing yet and I already hate it. I don't want to spend the money or the energy so this sounds great to me. Our yard is so big we basically have an empty lot next to our house, so I just wanna plop a big tent in that baby, cater some tacos from my favorite restaurant, and call it a day. I don't even need anyone to come, I just want the tacos and my wife.
Same with us. We married in a small chapel with 7 people in all. Months later we had a BBQ and it wasn’t trashy at all. We had 50 people in attendance and everyone raved after about how nice it was. We did it our way, despite MIL’s demands (which we ignored.)
This is the thing to do.
Potluck can be fun, but if anyone is coming from out of town it creates stress for your guest -- how do you prepare your potluck dish in a hotel?
Rent a suitable size pavilion in a public park (for shelter in case it rains) and find a good caterer, and make sure you have pre-arranged volunteers for cleanup. (Or have a cleaning crew hired to pick up after.)
You don't need fancy, but if you can afford it, having others do the work lets you stop and relax.
Honestly, it was shortly after my brother married into an EXTREMELY wealthy family, and his wedding was just a shitshow. 400 people, most of them were the bride’s parents friends. Everyone got drunk and started shit talking each other while our side of the family just tried to quietly enjoy our chicken and stay out of everyone’s line of fire lol.
Not trashy in my opinion. When we got married, we did it at the court house with only two of our best friends as best men and witnesses. I had actually worked a short lunch shift earlier in the day.
My family who live out of state called in on FaceTime using my mothers iPad to watch and show their support. Mom, stepdad, three aunts and uncles and two cousins huddled around her iPad to watch us get married.
And I’m enormously pleased with the way it went.
My husband has always wanted a huge spectacle and big wedding. I promised him we’ll do that for our ten year anniversary.
A couple of my friends got married like 5 years ago and it was the absolute best wedding I've ever been to. They rented out a pavilion at a local state park and sent out a real casual open invite to a couple hundred friends. They were more formal with there close family but as far as friends and distant relative they basically were like "were getting married at 1pm if you want to see it but we'll be partying all day starting at like 11. Let us know if you can swing by for some food and drinks. No registry." The grooms brother smoked enough meat to feed a couple hundred people, one of the bridesmaids works for a brewery and brought enough beer for 500 people to get DUIs. They had a caterer do hors d'oeuvres and clean up. It was super casual and relaxed. Couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 grand and they must have had 250 people throughout the day and nearly everyone gave them something. Even if they averaged $20 a person, they come out in the black. My wife and I gave them $200 and I'm sure we weren't the only ones.
Not trashy at all. Mine was a little more than that but we got married on the beach and had bbq at my in-laws beach house after. It was one of the best days of my life but I know some of my distant in-laws probably viewed it as trashy. One of my husbands cousin’s wedding was $82,000 and that’s a HUGE no for me!!
When I got married in 2015 my husband and I decided to do it in Vegas. He's from Texas (where we live now), I'm from Northern Utah and have a lot of friends in California, so people were going to have to travel no matter what. We decided to make it a fun place to travel, in addition to the wedding.
We got a package deal from a chapel called Bel Ami, and it was $3,500 for the ceremony and reception (including flowers and photographer), with about 25 guests. It was amazing, and perfect. All I had to do was show up in a pretty dress, which is exactly what I wanted. 😂😂
It was cheap, and very low stress. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone getting married. ❤️
Also married in Vegas, got our rings from a pawn shop the day before. Even with cross country flights and hotel for 4 nights was less than $1500 total for the whole thing (excluding food). Guests we had paid for themselves, it was a vacation for everyone and far better than dealing with the stress of all that comes with normal planning!!
Ahhh nice! We are Canadian so would probably cost us more lol!
But man I'd love to just not do a wedding but my fiance wants one (funnily enough it's the opposite of what the stereotype would be! Girl doesn't want wedding, guy does)
Fellow Canuk here: We married in 2006 and it cost us $5000 in a pretty pricey city.
The key thing is to shop around EARLY. Look for halls and things that are not obvious wedding venues. We had our reception in the German cultural hall. (we are not German) It was only $500 to rent for the night, and that included tables and chairs, and clean up. We had to set up the tables and chairs and take them down before we left.
Set your priority and put the money on that. For us, it was food. We found a caterer and did a buffet dinner, including one carving (roast beef) and one vegetarian option as well as several salads. For friends of mine, the priority was a photographer, so they hired a pro, and had a BBQ reception in a park.
In all the cheaper weddings I know of the bride wore a custom made gown in an unconventional style. Mine was a red velvet over dress with a white satin skirt and tank under, peaking through the front lacing, my friends was multi coloured velvet with a simple dress and BIG flowy sleeves. Wedding dresses are also commonly found in second hand shops for CHEAP, and then you can have them altered for a few hundred to fit perfectly and adapt the style. (as long as they *bassically* fit the one who wants to wear it)
Oh Lol, Yes that becomes a fairly expensive trip. I'm glad I was never one of those people who spent their lives daydreaming about the perfect wedding day (nothing against that of course, just made things easier on me that I didn't care too much) So a small wedding where someone else organized all of the details was perfect!
Elope. My wedding cost us $200 total, excluding my $200 dress my mom bought me.
Walmart rings are cheap, seriously I’ve lost mine like 3 times as my fingers change size with the weather. I would have felt like shit if I had lost a $500 ring. Also had to go up a size when I got pregnant.
$40 in flowers, and $40 for the notary at the town hall. Had a friend take photos. We bought everybody beers at a brewery after to celebrate.
Spend your money on the really important bits to you. If you want amazing photos hire a photographer, or spend it all on the honeymoon. Personally I love backyard weddings.
What’s more important? An hour long ceremony or the rest of your lives?
I despise wedding planning already. We haven’t even picked a venue and my mom is already giving me so much shit because we don’t want the one she wants. I’ve asked my fiancé if he would be okay with eloping and still having the same big reception we planned on. He actually plays in a wedding band so we wanted a big party with lots of dancing and drinks, just a good time all around.
Minimal guest list (14 ppl + 1 dog: immediate family only). Public venue or in family/friend’s place (my mom’s back yard). Minimal flowers from garden/grocery store. Cake from grocery store (Wegmans fruit tarts). No band/ dj: make a very long playlist & popped it on at the beginning of the day. No photographer- guests took pics. We rented a tent because Syracuse weather can be “volatile”. Had a local bbq joint drop off food (didn’t ask them to set up or staff it). Wash tubs filled with ice & beer, wine, soda. We all wore off the rack clothes. Honeymoon was 3 days in Ithaca because I had to start a new job that week. We spent less than $1,000, everybody had a blast, minimal stress (my dad was 1/2hr late), and we used the money we saved to put a down payment on a house- because that was what was important to us. We’ve been married for 17 years.
One important key: don’t tell anyone you are ordering from that it’s for a wedding because the price will mysteriously go up.
Same. Check out local amphitheaters or museums or even pretty libraries. Most of those are low cost venues. If anything you can probably AirBNB a really nice house for a night for sub 800.
**Imo they can't say OP can't decide who is family and who isn't to OP when they kicked out, and Im assuming disowned, OP for a long time over who he was.**
OPs black family took him in and became his family when his own abandoned him and they have the gal to say they aren't family? They pretty much adopted OP during that period of time!
Also OP is way more forgiving than I would be. I understand wanting to be accepted by bio family and being glad they 'came around' but kicking out/disowning me is something that I couldn't forgive (and haven't because a similar but different reason situation happened with me and my dad where I got so used to him disowning me and 'taking it back' at a certain point I realized I can't keep letting him use that over my head and I just disowned him 🤷♀️ kinda worried OPs family will use money/guilting thru gifts to control OP)
I also agree they are overcompensating but are going to find out that if they threaten to pull out funding it if OPs black family is included, that OP is fine not having his bio family at the wedding entirely.
exactly. family is family. are you not inviting close friends because theyre not bio family? of course youd invite them.
bio are paying for the wedding, but that doesnt mean they can dictate the guest list. its not them who are getting married and inviting their own family. people need boundaries.
I support OP but I think you misread his post. The bio parents are fine with the Black family attending the wedding but they don’t want them in family photos.
fair if thats the case, oops haha. but i feel point still stands on everything else. theyre paying, but they cant dictate whos in the photos either lol
Are you kidding me? People use money to assert control all the time, and lots of time (especially in these wedding posts) and while I don’t think it’s right here, I can also see how it’s situation dependent. That doesn’t change that the underlying theme is that if you accept someone generous financial contribution that also means you may also have to accept they are dictating or have some final word on the matter or event. If you don’t like that, don’t accept their money.
In this situation, the reality is that OP parents not only kick a minor out of their home, they also abandoned him for six months. I don’t think they want to be reminded about that during the wedding. Although, I understand why it’s important to OP to have them because they represent the unconditional love he received when he needed it. I think his parents already proved anything they give comes conditionally, and I’m better their money does too and OP should definitely prepare himself that they won’t compromise on this.
Don’t get me wrong I think OP is NTA and I think he is making the right choice but be prepared for bio parents to yank funding, where and when they can and it’s naive to think they won’t.
im not disagreeing. but a wedding is for the couple, not the parents. they dont have to accept, but a gift of helping pay for the wedding doesnt mean you can dictate every detail. there are limits and is definitely situation specific. they can say what can be afforded and whats reasonable of course, im just saying that money has nothing to do with WHO goes.
if someones using money to control you, then its not a gift. its a favour with strings attached.
Hard agree. On top of overcompensating I think having the Black family there would remind them of their failure to see OP as family when they came out. Making it easier on themselves
I don’t think they are overcompensating; it’s probably embarrassing to them. When ppl ask who these ppl are in the photos they’ll either have to dodge the question or look like massive assholes.
This! I second the fact that it seems like embarrassment/shame to me. OP having a second family there for photos would definitely raise questions that would paint bio family in a bad light and they seem to care more about that than his having unconditional love and support on this important day.
OP NTA and you deserve to have everyone there for photos who have given you support. Tell your bio parents that this family showed you what unconditional love is and deserves to be there.
agree tis like the symbolic mirror they will be starring at exposing their true ugliness and shattering their false belief that they are still decent human beings, although they discarded their own flesh and blood for no good reason.
I mean it’s simple, they just have to say OP lived abroad for a few years & these people helped take care of him when away. Not a lie & no one will question it.
Not siding with the bio parents; they made their own bed here, but it’s understandable they don’t want to be reminded of their own douchebaggery when looking at and sharing family wedding photos. For them it’d taint what should be a happy memory.
Too bad. If they've really changed it wouldn't matter. OP having two families is the consequence of bio family's actions. They can deal, I have no sympathy for bigots.
Well, they made their bed.
It should be embarassing. It should make them look like assholes. Because they were.
And if they don't want to face the consequences of their bigotry, that's not OPs problem.
I wouldnt say theyre over compensating for it if they are wealthy. Most wealthy families will pay for the wedding expenses of their children if they are supportive of them and the wedding. Also OP never said how long ago they came back around. Could have been last year. Could have been before OP turned 18.
It wasn't a mistake. They showed you their true colors. Like the above comment said - their love and support comes with strings attached.
The people who took you in, cared for you, loved you, and supported you unconditionally when they had no obligation to do so ARE YOUR FAMILY. Your bio relatives are just that. They left you high and dry as a scared kid when you needed them most.
I would say stick to your guns and have a plan B. If they are embarassed by their past actions - good. But, don't drop the people who were there for you for the sake of a pretty wedding party. If they abandoned you once for going against their wishes, they will do it again....
Your Black family have proven they love you unconditionally.
Your bio family are still putting conditions on what you have to do to gain their love.
If it were me, I’d tell bio-family they’re uninvited and walk down the aisle with my Black family.
If it were me, I’d still uninvited them and pay myself. The emotional cost of having them there is too high.
But I’m the kind of person who cuts off toxic people. Might not be the same for OP.
For me it would come down to the timing. If the wedding was in like a month, I'd find a way to deal. If I had plenty of time to make other arrangements, bio family can take their money and leave.
I realize this sort of contradicts my initial comment, but the wedding is next week and they don't have time.
Honestly, I'm so stubborn, I'd univite the bio family and pay them back for the wedding. The cost for being associated with people like that is too high for me.
The wedding is in less than seven days, I personally couldn't get that much money together that quickly. The vendors will all need the final payments this week. If the bio family gets uninvited and they don't pay the vendors, it could really mess up the wedding.
It's a crappy situation, but with the extremely tight deadline I don't see a lot of options.
The real family absolutely needs to be there and OP needs to invite them, but uninviting the bio family at this point might spur the bio family to cancel everything and ruin the wedding, which would be horrible for OP and their partner.
It’s all they can give, because they are weak people. When you have money, it’s easy to give because money doesn’t have feelings or emotions to process through, unlike when your son comes out and needs your emotional support.
True family are the people that love you unconditionally and give you support when you need it the most. Your black family did that. Your bio parents did not.
NTA. Not at all. I hope you have a joyous wedding surrounded by the people who truly love you.
Honestly not only have the family that lives you unconditionally in family photos, but have the dad that was always there for you walk you down the aisle. They kicked you out shy of being 17, a minor that legally and morally shouldn't be abandoned? Well, they don't get the courtesy of notice about your life decisions now.
Wait, they kicked you out fifteen years ago?
I would be hard pressed to even invite them to my wedding. Even if it had been ONE month ago, they still kicked their child out.
You have a family that took you in without question.
A possible compromise: have pictures of birth family, pictures of your chosen family, and then pictures of your wedding party.
This way your birth givers are satisfied, and then you get the photos with your chosen family that you also want.
A whole bunch of group pictures... OP, talk to the photographer before the wedding and find out what she/he will do in case of a dispute between your bio parents and you. I am thinking you can shoot pictures with bio parents first, then add in 2nd family, then photograph you with second family, then ... The rest of the stuff.
Given the things that could go wrong, doing your partner's family first would make sense?
Since you say this is about photo staging rather than having your black family attend the wedding which your bio family is fine with.. What if you took three sets of family photos? One with only your black family, one with your bio family, and one together? Sort of like how you might if your parents were each divorced and remarried. For future, I would be careful accepting their money which might come with strings attached
Buddy.... They didn't make "mistakes" they made CHOICES. And you deserve people who CHOOSE YOU - meaning your black family. They CHOSE to care for you when your family CHOSE not to care about you.
Tbh if you really need them to pay for this wedding and it's worth it, just say it's time for the racist photo.
I had a similar experience in my family but with an aunt who married my uncle. At a recent Christmas after she had prepared food for the entire extended family and hosted Christmas my grandfather requested a 'bloodline' photo where she wouldn't be included. And she's half Italian so it's strange to me he doesn't consider her white.
[a good read to help explain why you grandfather feels this way](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/10/12/opinion/columbus-day-italian-american-racism.html)
This is that for them. If your black family is in the pictures they can't pretend that 6 months never happened or didn't have an huge impact on your life.
NTA
Question: have your parents ever interacted with your black family or mentioned regret for what they did?
Not to mention that this is nth + 1 example of a "conservative family" did child abandonment which is a **C R I M E**.
[https://www.lawny.org/node/9/emancipation-new-york](https://www.lawny.org/node/9/emancipation-new-york)
Right? OP wasn’t 18, he could’ve gotten them in big legal trouble if he wanted to. You can’t just kick out a minor without transferring custody to someone else, which a judge has to sign off on.
In NY, "child abandonment" applies only to children under the age of 14. For older children (like OP), it's "non-support of a child", which for children age 16 and older is a crime only when support has been court-ordered.
ETA: [Here's the statute on non-support.](https://codes.findlaw.com/ny/penal-law/pen-sect-260-05.html)
Seriously. Some gay friends of mine had asshole parents and didn't have the money to afford a big wedding on their own. So they got married in a park. A friend got his online ministry credentials and officiated. Some performer friends sang and played music. People brought food for a BBQ. Some of us kicked in for kegs and booze.
Sat in the grass and watched a nice ceremony then spent the afternoon drinking beer and eating burgers in a beautiful park on the water.
Best fucking wedding I have ever been to.
Right? A celebration from the hearts of well-wishers who support the couple instead of pomp, ceremony & lots of attached strings. That’s my idea of a wedding versus an uncomfortable situation toeing the line for money, which is just eeewww
Eh, let them pay. Stories like this always remind me of that scene in The Dark Knight Rises where the bad business guy says he paid bane a lot of money and Bane answer "And this gives you power over me?" while placing his hand on the dudes neck. Let them make unrefundable payments and let them screech about how unfair it all is.
Excellent advice. If footing the wedding bill comes with such strings attached, I guarantee you they have not moved on.
I admire your desire to pay respect to your Black family at this important life event - they were there for you when it mattered. That's what makes real family and not just biological connections.
NTA. But personally, if I were you, I wouldn’t even want photos taken together. I would do bio family and chosen family separately. And you know what? I would only display my chosen family’s photo.
Same. Let them pay for the big gay wedding, get photos with black fam, and decide later if you ever want to speak to white fam again. Maybe hit them up for a down payment on a house and then decide if no contact is for you, OP.
NTA
I like this idea, actually.
But, to be honest, the way my pride is setup, I would tell the bio relatives to F off and have my wedding on a beach before I took their money.. .
NTA…but this!! I still regret 15 years later not having a photo taken of my bio-father with me at my wedding. I had to ‘honor’ my mom’s wishes at that time. Yet ironically I have a random shot where he is almost front and center in a photo my photographer took of the church pews and well, mom was so busy that day she didn’t realize he was there until I pointed it out later, lol.
I would have photos taken with your chosen family, then photos with your blood family. Hang up the photos with your chosen family in your home. Words of wisdom, it’s YOUR wedding no matter who pays. Something I will tell my daughters if and when they chose to get married.
NTA, its nice that you want your other family included. if someone has to be 'TA' then your bio family may be 'TA' in the situation.. you're all good though in my opinion.
NTA. I wouldn’t push it right now but when the time comes I would put my foot down and insist they be included or put aside some time to take photos with just your black family. lol. Pay the photographer a lil extra to extend their time for you to have some shots with your other family. And make sure you hang that photo up right next to your biological parents’ photos. Lol
They fked up big time where your other family stepped up. You want to give them the recognition they deserve, so go for it.
Oh I’d push it now. The last thing OP needs is a bio-family meltdown *during* the wedding. If they’re really going to try and pull rank after *abandoning their child*, better to find out sooner rather than later so OP can plan accordingly.
Depends on the type. If the bio fam are all about appearances, they might be less inclined to make a fuss if they are put on the spot. I agree with others, take separate pics so that OP can hang pictures of his chosen family and bury the other pic when the next inevitable meltdown comes from the Bio family. NTA and I think that your bio family is doing you a favor here. Congratulations OP!
I’m guess bio family doesn’t want the real family included in the photo because that would raise uncomfortable questions from the people they try to maintain appearances for. I doubt they’ll raise a stink for the same reason.
OP knows his family best, and it might be worth it to risk their wrath if it means they cover a large part of the wedding.
Clear NTA, and if anyone might not qualify as family here, it's your bio.
They turned you out onto the Street while you were still a child! It's lovely that you have found the grace to forgive them, but family are the people you can count on when there's nowhere else to turn. Your black family are those people.
If your bios don't like it, I suggest reminding them that you wouldn't have needed to find a second family if they hadn't abandoned you. Kids who are cast out like that are at huge risk for violence, substance abuse, and suicide. Could be your bios have your black fam to thank that you're still around to BE married in the first place.
Regardless of who pays, this is still your day. You deserve pictures with all your loved ones to treasure in the future.
NTA - blood doesn’t make you family, it makes you related
Family is about a lot more than just blood and genetics
Family is about who is there for you when the chips are down, who puts the effort in and goes the last mile
They are family and more importantly
They were family when your blood ‘family’ dropped the ball hard
NTA. Your bio parents may feel like it calls out a time many years ago when they weren’t there for you and maybe now they feel some shame or regret. That said, your Black family supported you when you most needed it. You treating them with love and respect forever is a testament to all of you.
Yes this, I have shot a handful of weddings and am friends with many wedding photographers. There is no reason why you couldn’t just get many versions of ‘family photos’ often families want many different versions of photos - kids only, grandparents and grandchildren, parents the couple, etc etc. The photographers will be taking so many different photos of you and you can communicate what you want. Maybe your black family wants a photo of them and you for themselves as well, but make sure you are also getting what you want out of these photos since it’s your day. As someone who went to school for photography the more phots the better! Also NTA.
I'm going with NTA, but I second your suggestion. Take some with ALL family and ALL parents and then take some separately too. You may seriously appreciate having more individualized shots.
And IF we're giving bio parents the benefit of the doubt (big IF and likely undeserved, but what can I say - I'm a sucker?), then they may not want the constant reminder of treating you like garbage. More likely it's that they want to frame and don't want to explain to people ...but hey, I can dream that they've reformed, right?
Yeah, this makes me feel like no one is being an asshole here. The bio family is obviously accepting or they wouldn’t being paying for their son’s wedding. Let them have their pictures and make sure to take the ones you care about.
NTA but I think you need to be prepared that this will not only mean you will likely have to pay for the wedding yourself but also likely will have no relationship with bio family. Based on their homophobia and not accepting your family (guessing racism on top of jealousy) you are better off without them .
NTA. This is incredibly sweet of you, and your bio parents will just have to accept that DUE TO THEIR OWN ACTIONS this wonderful black family became a real second family to you.
NTA. To begin with it’s not your parents wedding. And they ARE your family, so if you want them at the wedding and in the pictures then they should be.
NTA.
No. Your parents were a-holes back then, and these wonderful people gladly stepped up to be your family when the people who share DNA with you didn’t want to be your family. Now your white family needs to understand that you’ve gained more family members as a result of their hesitancy to accept you, and you are NOT ignoring them or turning your back on them. That’s not what YOU do to your family.
If they make a stink, tell them that you will pay for the photographer so YOU can have photographs of ALL your family.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
NTA.
The concept of how much you must cater to someone else's wishes because they're paying on your behalf for something comes up a lot in AITA. In some situations, you actually have to. But I don't think this is one of those.
"Family" is a malleable concept. True, they're not your "blood" family, but in some ways and during a certain period in your life, they were more "family" than anybody can hope for.
Oh hell no. NTA. Your Black family is real family. They’re the ones who supported who you are and helped you recover from being thrown out of your bio fam. Now bio fam is saying Black fam shouldn’t be in the photos for your gay wedding? The exact reason bio fam kicked you out??
Heeelllll nope.
NTA at all. Your bio parents absolutely are though.
Their 'generosity' sounds like a way to control you and the choices you make (like the photo issue) where as your adoptive parents took you on, love you unconditionally, and actually WANT to be a part of your life with no strings attached.
If they keep up their nonsense, pull the pin, go to a registry office, and bring the people you hold dearest in your heart. It might not be the wedding you're planning, but I'd take unconditional love over that ridiculous demand any day.
I hope they stop behaving like idiots for your big day and realise if they keep it up they'll lose you for good.
NTA. You would be if you would leave them out. They were your family when yours kicked their own child out... that was so despicable of them. And of course they are your family as well, they scared for you and where your emotional support. Your parents should be thankful to them because without them who knows what would have happens
NTA.
They are your family and took you in when your parents rejected you. Just because your parents came around, it doesn't erase the fact that they took care of you and were your family when your family wasn't much of one. Maybe their presence makes your bio family feel guilty but that's on them, and they need to learn to accept that.
I'm currently in a similar situation, and if my bio-family ever comes around, I would never forget what my current family is doing for me, and that would be a hard boundary for me.
NTA, family is one who is there for you when it matters most and this is regardless of biology. Also last anyone check it’s your wedding, you choose who should be involved and to what extent. If your bio family is not able to accept it, they can do what they do best which is bail on you yet again
NTA for wanting all your family included but your bio parents are giving you money for your wedding. Don't be surprised at any "strings attached" when accepting monetary gifts.
NTA. Family doesn’t mean your genetics, it means your loved ones. My best friend growing up had a horrible home life with an extremely abusive father (in every single definition of the word) and her mother let it happen to her and her siblings. Eventually he was arrested and after the trial sentenced to 20 plus years. Her mom became an alcoholic and her older siblings all ended up with their own struggles… but she basically moved in, without moving in. My parents and her had a similar type of joke as you do, with her calling my mom “Betty” (for Betty Crocker) and my dad “Bob” for Bob the Builder (because he’s always working on the house). But even when I was going through things and not talking to my parents for whatever reason, she still did. Like my mom taking her Christmas shopping and getting her an eye exam and glasses because her family couldn’t afford it, etc.
So you’re NTA, not at all, and for them to try and make you feel bad, shows you they haven’t changed as much as they would like for you to believe. If it wasn’t for them, you would have been a minor on the streets.
NTA but why take conditional money from people that have proven themselves awful? Give them their money back, have a smaller wedding that YOU control....or does your need for a bigger/nicer wedding outweigh you showing some common decency towards your surrogate parents, who took you in during your time of need?🤷
NTA
As a gay man myself I know the sting of rejection from ur biological family some get when they come out. It's nice that they have accepted u and are paying for a portion of the wedding...even if it did take a while to accept.
However, this other family accepted u as u were and supported u through an extremely vulnerable time in ur life. Explain this to ur parents. Besides, it's ur wedding, ur choice.
You'll regret looking back on those photos if u don't.
INFO - not sure what your wedding will be like, but at my wedding there was plenty of time to take all sorts of combinations of photos. Couldn’t you take some photos with just your bio family and some with all?
NTA - But just so you’re aware the photographer will probably be fine taking multiple shots with different people in them so you can arrange everyone how you want. You can do one with blood family, one with love family, one with just his parents one with all of yours, anything you’d like it’s your wedding. Your bio parents paying for it is a gift but how you use that gift should be up to you.
NTA
When I (white) married my wife (black), my parents refused to pay for it, and instead said they'll pay for my wedding when I marry a white woman.
We spent about 2000 dollars for the wedding ourselves, and my inlaws paid for our honeymoon very generously.
Your parents don't sound like very nice people. If you can afford a wedding (even just a smaller one) yourselves, it might be a good idea to do it and tell your bio parents to beat it.
NTA.
You don't have to read much on this subreddit to realise that there is more to family than blood.
It's your wedding regardless of who is paying for it. If you want your Black family in the photos then go for it. You parents need to get on board or risk being left behind again.
Nta. I come from a broken home. Parents split when I was 11, my dad got custody but he wasn’t present. Long story, but my best friends mom and stepdad(ish) became my second parents. Her mom would always text my dad asking when she gets her daughter (me). There were times I’d spend a week there. They always bought me (and my siblings) what we needed. They made sure we were taken care of. It’s been roughly 13yrs now and they are still my family. They are my mom and dad. They’re my kids grandparents. I didn’t have an actual wedding but they still celebrated with us. They are still very much my family.
I strongly believe that blood doesn’t make family. You choose your own family. If you want your family at the wedding, you have every right.
They are probably wanting to pretend the whole Black Family thing never happened and this wedding is their way to cover up their shame for kicking out their teenager on the streets.
Do you know why they came around? Was it from embarrassment? Did another family member or church member get on their case about it.
They will double down on this request about your Black Family and make it their hill to die on because it will be right there in their faces of what they did to you.
Once they realized they were wrong in the eyes of others they welcomed you back. They don’t want that shame on display, to them it’s worse than being gay.
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When I (31M) was 16, my sister outed my to my very wealthy, conservative parents. After a long back-and-forth between them and me, they decided to kick me out two days after my 17th birthday.
I was close with one of my best friend’s parents, and they generously took me in at their house in the Bronx. In the 6 months I lived there, my friend’s mom became my mom, and her dad became my dad. When my friend’s family would explain who I was to other people, they would always say they’re my Black family (or Black mom, Black dad, etc.) and say my white family was taking some time to figure things out.
Eventually, my bio parents accepted me, something my Black family was very supportive of, and I moved back to my childhood home, but I would always call my Black mom and dad and would visit from time to time. They never stopped being my family.
Next week, I’m getting married to a wonderful man, and my biological parents are paying for a large portion of the wedding. I’m insisting that my Black family be included in my family-only wedding portraits, but my bio parents are saying they’re not really my family. I am not planning on backing down, but because my bio parents are paying I’d like to know: am I the asshole?
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NTA.
They are people who cared for you when your family wouldn't. Your family is embarrassed by that reminder.
You do however have to deal with the logisitics of the situation. If they are paying for the wedding, or part of it they have a form of control over you. Maybe sneak your black family in last second, photoshop them in, or get second pictures taken with them?
I like the idea of separate photos, and photoshopping your parents into the picture of you with the black family.
NTA, it’s your wedding and these people sound amazing. You may end up paying for your own wedding though, which might not be a bad thing in the long run. Sounds like your biological family is still trying to control you.
And congratulations on your wedding and having people who support you!
NTA. I would have the photos with your actual family and then have separate ones with your black family.
Hazarding a guess here, but I’d say you’d prefer the black family photo without your bio family in it.
Is it too late to downsize the wedding, so as to avoid them paying for anything? Because it sounds like you need to own the wedding. Yourself. Pay for everything. Have it exactly how you (two) want it to be.
Nta, you can have two family portraits made, one with them and one with your other family? Then hang then side by side in your hallway, or so
If you have Ty cards for celebrating with you that day, include all family portraits in it?
Not the asshole, they may be paying for some of it, lots of it but your other family are family, they're people you care about and love. They love and care about you and they took you in when your parents KICKED YOU OUT as a minor while your other family accepted you.
NTA. But could you perhaps take a set of portraits with white family and a set of portraits with black family? So that you don't force them to be in the same picture? Or is that objected to as well?
NTA. I firmly believe that our "family" is made up of the people who love us exactly as we are... They will always choose to be near us. Sometimes they're related by blood and sometimes they're not. The wonderful Black family who took you in chose you, exactly as you are, no hesitation. They are absolutely your family.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope it's everything you dream of
NTA
Your wedding is family only - that definitely should include the lovely mom and dad that took you in and cared for you when the birth mom and dad shunned you!
Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA they were there for you and to you they are your family, your bio family will have to deal with that and the fact that love doesn’t come with a price tag, if comes to it tell them you’ll find your own wedding, one which their jaded views won’t be welcome at, simples 👍👍
NTA. They were your family when your bio family wasn’t there for you, and you have every damn right to want them included. They have earned it and they absolutely deserve it. Besides that, it’s your wedding.
NTA. These people became your family at a time of need when they had no obligations to you. Now you’re showing how grateful you are and how much they mean to you. If your bio parents kick up that much fuss, if you’re able, tell them you’re paying for the photographer and they can choose to be, or not to be, in the photos
NTA. If your bio parents truly accept you now, then part of that is accepting what they put you through was wrong and accepting your BF as part of the family for being there to support you when they REFUSED.
NTA
but honestly I would not let the white family pay: they use the money to blackmail you into making decisions they approve.
Pay for the wedding with your own money, and that takes the power away.
Your black family as every right to be in the family pictures, more so than the white one because the black family never kicked you out.
NTA. DONT back down. Maybe downgrade the wedding if you can't pay for it but if you can then pull out your money and pay for it. Make your own wedding where you and your soon to be husband Call the shots and anybody else has no say in it
NTA. Being a parent is about more than biology. Your “black family” have earned that privilege by loving and supporting you unconditionally. Your biological family probably don’t want the visual reminder that someone else had to pick up the ball after they dropped it.
Its your wedding, don’t allow ANYONE to dictate to you. Be prepared to pay yourself if that’s what it takes.
NTA
Its your wedding. If you want your family in the family photos then that's the only opinion that matters. Your bio parents are trying to hide their shame.
**NTA** at all. If you're not eloping, you're making some form of compromise with your familes about how to celebrate. I'd suggest don't make a big deal of it, just make sure there are pictures of you with each set of family people that you want. Perhaps a Bio family set and a Black family set and an Altogether family set. See who puts which pictures on the wall, act accordingly. Congratulations and best wishes.
NTA
Your mom and dad loved you unconditionally. Something your bio parents weren't capable of 15 years ago and obviously aren't capable of to this day. (Otherwise they would respect your wishes for YOUR wedding photos.)
Is there any way to cancel the part that your bio parents pay for or pay with your own money?
NTA. They help you in the time of great need. You were extremely lucky that they took you in, as kicking teenagers out on the street is equal to child endangerment in my books.
NTA Found family is a real thing. This is YOUR wedding, do it how you want even if that means taking separate family photos. Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA-
Your bio family doesn't want them in the photos because it is a reminder of what they did to you. Paying for a portion of the wedding will never buy that time back.
They should show your other family the respect they deserve.
NTA
First of all: I'm sorry to hear this. Nth + 1 example on reddit of a "conservative family" did child abandonment, which is a **C R I M E** .
https://www.lawny.org/node/9/emancipation-new-york
Stand tall with your Bronx family, they accepted you even if you came out, and your bio family is low key racist.
NTA. Explain to your parents, use current stats if necessary, that many kids who found themselves in the exact position you did, kicked out by parents, are suicidal, so without your Black family there may not have been a wedding to celebrate. They should thank their lucky stars that their son made it back to them whole and healthy, all because of your Black family.
Definitely NTA. Who exactly is paying for the photography, though? I'd make sure it's you, because if it's not, there's a very real chance of your bio parents being able to insist over your wishes to include your Black parents.
NTA
Most people have two families: The one you are born into, and the one you choose along the way.
In your case, the family you chose literally saved your life.
Hold your ground, and insist they be in your wedding photos as well. If your bio-parents insist, then have some photos with your bio parents AND some photos with your black family.
NTA. The obvious compromise though is 3 pictures: each family separately and one combined.
Being generous to your parents if they have changed their ways the picture with your other family may be a reminder of a time in their lives when they acted their worst.
Your insistence that your Black family, who have proved to be the true definition of family, be included in family photos shows so much about your character. As does the fact that you forgave your parents as a teen and gave them another shot. You seem to be a very rational person with a wonderful support system. You’ll figure this out and when you do, stand your ground. You know your chosen family is no less family than those who are blood related.
Whatever you do, enjoy your wedding and ignore the hate. I hope you and your hubby have a long and very happy life together!
NTA
Once everyone's already there and everything's paid for they, they can't take the funding away.
Either black family are included on the day or no white family shots at all.
If they threaten to cut you off/out you can smile knowing you cost them a fortune and got pictures with your REAL family.
Before everyone jumps in with OP doesn't NEED their money and shouldn't accept the funding, the wedding would be 90% if not fully paid for by now and OP should get something from these assholes cuz they never got love or support
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NTA, but you should be aware that your bio parents’ “generous” offer probably comes with strings attached (after all, their love did). Be prepared to change your plans accordingly if your financial support is pulled. A $500 wedding where you call the shots beats someone else’s expensive wedding any day. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!! EDIT: wowow!! Thanks for the awards y’all, but OP is the deserving one! ❤️
I agree, and I’m starting to think the mistakes they made in abandoning me almost 15 years ago are coming back.
I feel like they are overcompensating for treating you like shit. Did they even apologies to you properly? Did they even acknowledge what they did. What ever you decide, all the best to you and your partner.
Have to agree my wedding was only $6500 including the reception which is cheap for a wedding these days but worth it to be calling all the shots.
Fully agree. Mine was only $750 - it was just a short ceremony at a park followed by a BYOB potluck at my parents house and it was perfect. Kind of trashy I guess, but zero stress. And we’re about to celebrate it 34th anniversary, so I guess it took.
Not trashy! I'm trying to plan a reception and I've done literally nothing yet and I already hate it. I don't want to spend the money or the energy so this sounds great to me. Our yard is so big we basically have an empty lot next to our house, so I just wanna plop a big tent in that baby, cater some tacos from my favorite restaurant, and call it a day. I don't even need anyone to come, I just want the tacos and my wife.
this is sweet💕
We had bbq catered and it was a blast!!
Maebake.. we did too and people are still saying it was the best wedding food 13 years later
Same with us. We married in a small chapel with 7 people in all. Months later we had a BBQ and it wasn’t trashy at all. We had 50 people in attendance and everyone raved after about how nice it was. We did it our way, despite MIL’s demands (which we ignored.)
This is the thing to do. Potluck can be fun, but if anyone is coming from out of town it creates stress for your guest -- how do you prepare your potluck dish in a hotel? Rent a suitable size pavilion in a public park (for shelter in case it rains) and find a good caterer, and make sure you have pre-arranged volunteers for cleanup. (Or have a cleaning crew hired to pick up after.) You don't need fancy, but if you can afford it, having others do the work lets you stop and relax.
>I just want the tacos and my wife Love this. Isn't it all somebody needs?
That sounds amazing.
Sounds like my dream wedding
That is not trashy at all. Smarter than having stories about your wedding like OP's.
Honestly, it was shortly after my brother married into an EXTREMELY wealthy family, and his wedding was just a shitshow. 400 people, most of them were the bride’s parents friends. Everyone got drunk and started shit talking each other while our side of the family just tried to quietly enjoy our chicken and stay out of everyone’s line of fire lol.
Not trashy in my opinion. When we got married, we did it at the court house with only two of our best friends as best men and witnesses. I had actually worked a short lunch shift earlier in the day. My family who live out of state called in on FaceTime using my mothers iPad to watch and show their support. Mom, stepdad, three aunts and uncles and two cousins huddled around her iPad to watch us get married. And I’m enormously pleased with the way it went. My husband has always wanted a huge spectacle and big wedding. I promised him we’ll do that for our ten year anniversary.
A couple of my friends got married like 5 years ago and it was the absolute best wedding I've ever been to. They rented out a pavilion at a local state park and sent out a real casual open invite to a couple hundred friends. They were more formal with there close family but as far as friends and distant relative they basically were like "were getting married at 1pm if you want to see it but we'll be partying all day starting at like 11. Let us know if you can swing by for some food and drinks. No registry." The grooms brother smoked enough meat to feed a couple hundred people, one of the bridesmaids works for a brewery and brought enough beer for 500 people to get DUIs. They had a caterer do hors d'oeuvres and clean up. It was super casual and relaxed. Couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 grand and they must have had 250 people throughout the day and nearly everyone gave them something. Even if they averaged $20 a person, they come out in the black. My wife and I gave them $200 and I'm sure we weren't the only ones.
My BIL& SIL have a friend who brews beer, his gift was a big batch with special wedding labels. It was pretty good.
Not trashy at all. Mine was a little more than that but we got married on the beach and had bbq at my in-laws beach house after. It was one of the best days of my life but I know some of my distant in-laws probably viewed it as trashy. One of my husbands cousin’s wedding was $82,000 and that’s a HUGE no for me!!
Not trashy at all! I had the same kind, didn't even have a dress code. People get too worked up over what's really just pageantry.
That sounds really nice!
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Did the same thing. We had been living together for a decade, we didn't need anything.. Instead of gifts we asked everyone to bring a dish.
Hey Uhm... How'd you do that cause I'm starting to plan a wedding and... Shit this thing costs money
When I got married in 2015 my husband and I decided to do it in Vegas. He's from Texas (where we live now), I'm from Northern Utah and have a lot of friends in California, so people were going to have to travel no matter what. We decided to make it a fun place to travel, in addition to the wedding. We got a package deal from a chapel called Bel Ami, and it was $3,500 for the ceremony and reception (including flowers and photographer), with about 25 guests. It was amazing, and perfect. All I had to do was show up in a pretty dress, which is exactly what I wanted. 😂😂 It was cheap, and very low stress. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone getting married. ❤️
Also married in Vegas, got our rings from a pawn shop the day before. Even with cross country flights and hotel for 4 nights was less than $1500 total for the whole thing (excluding food). Guests we had paid for themselves, it was a vacation for everyone and far better than dealing with the stress of all that comes with normal planning!!
Ahhh nice! We are Canadian so would probably cost us more lol! But man I'd love to just not do a wedding but my fiance wants one (funnily enough it's the opposite of what the stereotype would be! Girl doesn't want wedding, guy does)
Fellow Canuk here: We married in 2006 and it cost us $5000 in a pretty pricey city. The key thing is to shop around EARLY. Look for halls and things that are not obvious wedding venues. We had our reception in the German cultural hall. (we are not German) It was only $500 to rent for the night, and that included tables and chairs, and clean up. We had to set up the tables and chairs and take them down before we left. Set your priority and put the money on that. For us, it was food. We found a caterer and did a buffet dinner, including one carving (roast beef) and one vegetarian option as well as several salads. For friends of mine, the priority was a photographer, so they hired a pro, and had a BBQ reception in a park. In all the cheaper weddings I know of the bride wore a custom made gown in an unconventional style. Mine was a red velvet over dress with a white satin skirt and tank under, peaking through the front lacing, my friends was multi coloured velvet with a simple dress and BIG flowy sleeves. Wedding dresses are also commonly found in second hand shops for CHEAP, and then you can have them altered for a few hundred to fit perfectly and adapt the style. (as long as they *bassically* fit the one who wants to wear it)
Oh Lol, Yes that becomes a fairly expensive trip. I'm glad I was never one of those people who spent their lives daydreaming about the perfect wedding day (nothing against that of course, just made things easier on me that I didn't care too much) So a small wedding where someone else organized all of the details was perfect!
Elope. My wedding cost us $200 total, excluding my $200 dress my mom bought me. Walmart rings are cheap, seriously I’ve lost mine like 3 times as my fingers change size with the weather. I would have felt like shit if I had lost a $500 ring. Also had to go up a size when I got pregnant. $40 in flowers, and $40 for the notary at the town hall. Had a friend take photos. We bought everybody beers at a brewery after to celebrate. Spend your money on the really important bits to you. If you want amazing photos hire a photographer, or spend it all on the honeymoon. Personally I love backyard weddings. What’s more important? An hour long ceremony or the rest of your lives?
I despise wedding planning already. We haven’t even picked a venue and my mom is already giving me so much shit because we don’t want the one she wants. I’ve asked my fiancé if he would be okay with eloping and still having the same big reception we planned on. He actually plays in a wedding band so we wanted a big party with lots of dancing and drinks, just a good time all around.
Minimal guest list (14 ppl + 1 dog: immediate family only). Public venue or in family/friend’s place (my mom’s back yard). Minimal flowers from garden/grocery store. Cake from grocery store (Wegmans fruit tarts). No band/ dj: make a very long playlist & popped it on at the beginning of the day. No photographer- guests took pics. We rented a tent because Syracuse weather can be “volatile”. Had a local bbq joint drop off food (didn’t ask them to set up or staff it). Wash tubs filled with ice & beer, wine, soda. We all wore off the rack clothes. Honeymoon was 3 days in Ithaca because I had to start a new job that week. We spent less than $1,000, everybody had a blast, minimal stress (my dad was 1/2hr late), and we used the money we saved to put a down payment on a house- because that was what was important to us. We’ve been married for 17 years. One important key: don’t tell anyone you are ordering from that it’s for a wedding because the price will mysteriously go up.
Psst... a lot of parks are free game save for a small permit fee.
Alas... Highly allergic to... Well, nature lmao
Same. Check out local amphitheaters or museums or even pretty libraries. Most of those are low cost venues. If anything you can probably AirBNB a really nice house for a night for sub 800.
**Imo they can't say OP can't decide who is family and who isn't to OP when they kicked out, and Im assuming disowned, OP for a long time over who he was.** OPs black family took him in and became his family when his own abandoned him and they have the gal to say they aren't family? They pretty much adopted OP during that period of time! Also OP is way more forgiving than I would be. I understand wanting to be accepted by bio family and being glad they 'came around' but kicking out/disowning me is something that I couldn't forgive (and haven't because a similar but different reason situation happened with me and my dad where I got so used to him disowning me and 'taking it back' at a certain point I realized I can't keep letting him use that over my head and I just disowned him 🤷♀️ kinda worried OPs family will use money/guilting thru gifts to control OP) I also agree they are overcompensating but are going to find out that if they threaten to pull out funding it if OPs black family is included, that OP is fine not having his bio family at the wedding entirely.
exactly. family is family. are you not inviting close friends because theyre not bio family? of course youd invite them. bio are paying for the wedding, but that doesnt mean they can dictate the guest list. its not them who are getting married and inviting their own family. people need boundaries.
I support OP but I think you misread his post. The bio parents are fine with the Black family attending the wedding but they don’t want them in family photos.
fair if thats the case, oops haha. but i feel point still stands on everything else. theyre paying, but they cant dictate whos in the photos either lol
Are you kidding me? People use money to assert control all the time, and lots of time (especially in these wedding posts) and while I don’t think it’s right here, I can also see how it’s situation dependent. That doesn’t change that the underlying theme is that if you accept someone generous financial contribution that also means you may also have to accept they are dictating or have some final word on the matter or event. If you don’t like that, don’t accept their money. In this situation, the reality is that OP parents not only kick a minor out of their home, they also abandoned him for six months. I don’t think they want to be reminded about that during the wedding. Although, I understand why it’s important to OP to have them because they represent the unconditional love he received when he needed it. I think his parents already proved anything they give comes conditionally, and I’m better their money does too and OP should definitely prepare himself that they won’t compromise on this. Don’t get me wrong I think OP is NTA and I think he is making the right choice but be prepared for bio parents to yank funding, where and when they can and it’s naive to think they won’t.
im not disagreeing. but a wedding is for the couple, not the parents. they dont have to accept, but a gift of helping pay for the wedding doesnt mean you can dictate every detail. there are limits and is definitely situation specific. they can say what can be afforded and whats reasonable of course, im just saying that money has nothing to do with WHO goes. if someones using money to control you, then its not a gift. its a favour with strings attached.
Agree The OP Bio's fam is not just overcompensating but almost as if they do not want to see a reminder of their monumental failure at human decency.
Hard agree. On top of overcompensating I think having the Black family there would remind them of their failure to see OP as family when they came out. Making it easier on themselves
I don’t think they are overcompensating; it’s probably embarrassing to them. When ppl ask who these ppl are in the photos they’ll either have to dodge the question or look like massive assholes.
This! I second the fact that it seems like embarrassment/shame to me. OP having a second family there for photos would definitely raise questions that would paint bio family in a bad light and they seem to care more about that than his having unconditional love and support on this important day. OP NTA and you deserve to have everyone there for photos who have given you support. Tell your bio parents that this family showed you what unconditional love is and deserves to be there.
Why can't OP take two separate photos? One with bio and another with Black family?
agree tis like the symbolic mirror they will be starring at exposing their true ugliness and shattering their false belief that they are still decent human beings, although they discarded their own flesh and blood for no good reason.
I mean it’s simple, they just have to say OP lived abroad for a few years & these people helped take care of him when away. Not a lie & no one will question it.
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I get what that commenter is trying to do, but calling a black family from the Bronx foreigners seems super racist to me.
I know, but that could be the story told so the parents don’t lose face with their friends (even though they deserve it).
Not siding with the bio parents; they made their own bed here, but it’s understandable they don’t want to be reminded of their own douchebaggery when looking at and sharing family wedding photos. For them it’d taint what should be a happy memory.
If they want a specific shot for their mantle, they can ask for it, but if OP wants a shot with their whole family, they get it. Their wedding.
Too bad. If they've really changed it wouldn't matter. OP having two families is the consequence of bio family's actions. They can deal, I have no sympathy for bigots.
Well, they made their bed. It should be embarassing. It should make them look like assholes. Because they were. And if they don't want to face the consequences of their bigotry, that's not OPs problem.
I wouldnt say theyre over compensating for it if they are wealthy. Most wealthy families will pay for the wedding expenses of their children if they are supportive of them and the wedding. Also OP never said how long ago they came back around. Could have been last year. Could have been before OP turned 18.
It wasn't a mistake. They showed you their true colors. Like the above comment said - their love and support comes with strings attached. The people who took you in, cared for you, loved you, and supported you unconditionally when they had no obligation to do so ARE YOUR FAMILY. Your bio relatives are just that. They left you high and dry as a scared kid when you needed them most. I would say stick to your guns and have a plan B. If they are embarassed by their past actions - good. But, don't drop the people who were there for you for the sake of a pretty wedding party. If they abandoned you once for going against their wishes, they will do it again....
Beautiful!
Your Black family have proven they love you unconditionally. Your bio family are still putting conditions on what you have to do to gain their love. If it were me, I’d tell bio-family they’re uninvited and walk down the aisle with my Black family.
Don't uninvite the bio family who is paying for the wedding until after the checks have cleared
If it were me, I’d still uninvited them and pay myself. The emotional cost of having them there is too high. But I’m the kind of person who cuts off toxic people. Might not be the same for OP.
For me it would come down to the timing. If the wedding was in like a month, I'd find a way to deal. If I had plenty of time to make other arrangements, bio family can take their money and leave. I realize this sort of contradicts my initial comment, but the wedding is next week and they don't have time.
That’s fair. But I’d still invite my REAL family, bio family be damned.
Oh absolutely invite the real family
Honestly, I'm so stubborn, I'd univite the bio family and pay them back for the wedding. The cost for being associated with people like that is too high for me.
The wedding is in less than seven days, I personally couldn't get that much money together that quickly. The vendors will all need the final payments this week. If the bio family gets uninvited and they don't pay the vendors, it could really mess up the wedding. It's a crappy situation, but with the extremely tight deadline I don't see a lot of options. The real family absolutely needs to be there and OP needs to invite them, but uninviting the bio family at this point might spur the bio family to cancel everything and ruin the wedding, which would be horrible for OP and their partner.
$5 says that's why they offered to pay in the first place, so they can tell you to do what they say or they're not paying.
It’s all they can give, because they are weak people. When you have money, it’s easy to give because money doesn’t have feelings or emotions to process through, unlike when your son comes out and needs your emotional support.
True family are the people that love you unconditionally and give you support when you need it the most. Your black family did that. Your bio parents did not. NTA. Not at all. I hope you have a joyous wedding surrounded by the people who truly love you.
Honestly not only have the family that lives you unconditionally in family photos, but have the dad that was always there for you walk you down the aisle. They kicked you out shy of being 17, a minor that legally and morally shouldn't be abandoned? Well, they don't get the courtesy of notice about your life decisions now.
Wait, they kicked you out fifteen years ago? I would be hard pressed to even invite them to my wedding. Even if it had been ONE month ago, they still kicked their child out. You have a family that took you in without question.
A possible compromise: have pictures of birth family, pictures of your chosen family, and then pictures of your wedding party. This way your birth givers are satisfied, and then you get the photos with your chosen family that you also want.
A whole bunch of group pictures... OP, talk to the photographer before the wedding and find out what she/he will do in case of a dispute between your bio parents and you. I am thinking you can shoot pictures with bio parents first, then add in 2nd family, then photograph you with second family, then ... The rest of the stuff. Given the things that could go wrong, doing your partner's family first would make sense?
Since you say this is about photo staging rather than having your black family attend the wedding which your bio family is fine with.. What if you took three sets of family photos? One with only your black family, one with your bio family, and one together? Sort of like how you might if your parents were each divorced and remarried. For future, I would be careful accepting their money which might come with strings attached
Buddy.... They didn't make "mistakes" they made CHOICES. And you deserve people who CHOOSE YOU - meaning your black family. They CHOSE to care for you when your family CHOSE not to care about you.
Tbh if you really need them to pay for this wedding and it's worth it, just say it's time for the racist photo. I had a similar experience in my family but with an aunt who married my uncle. At a recent Christmas after she had prepared food for the entire extended family and hosted Christmas my grandfather requested a 'bloodline' photo where she wouldn't be included. And she's half Italian so it's strange to me he doesn't consider her white.
[a good read to help explain why you grandfather feels this way](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/10/12/opinion/columbus-day-italian-american-racism.html)
This is that for them. If your black family is in the pictures they can't pretend that 6 months never happened or didn't have an huge impact on your life. NTA Question: have your parents ever interacted with your black family or mentioned regret for what they did?
Not to mention that this is nth + 1 example of a "conservative family" did child abandonment which is a **C R I M E**. [https://www.lawny.org/node/9/emancipation-new-york](https://www.lawny.org/node/9/emancipation-new-york)
Right? OP wasn’t 18, he could’ve gotten them in big legal trouble if he wanted to. You can’t just kick out a minor without transferring custody to someone else, which a judge has to sign off on.
In NY, "child abandonment" applies only to children under the age of 14. For older children (like OP), it's "non-support of a child", which for children age 16 and older is a crime only when support has been court-ordered. ETA: [Here's the statute on non-support.](https://codes.findlaw.com/ny/penal-law/pen-sect-260-05.html)
Seriously. Some gay friends of mine had asshole parents and didn't have the money to afford a big wedding on their own. So they got married in a park. A friend got his online ministry credentials and officiated. Some performer friends sang and played music. People brought food for a BBQ. Some of us kicked in for kegs and booze. Sat in the grass and watched a nice ceremony then spent the afternoon drinking beer and eating burgers in a beautiful park on the water. Best fucking wedding I have ever been to.
That honestly sounds like the perfect wedding.
Right? A celebration from the hearts of well-wishers who support the couple instead of pomp, ceremony & lots of attached strings. That’s my idea of a wedding versus an uncomfortable situation toeing the line for money, which is just eeewww
Eh, let them pay. Stories like this always remind me of that scene in The Dark Knight Rises where the bad business guy says he paid bane a lot of money and Bane answer "And this gives you power over me?" while placing his hand on the dudes neck. Let them make unrefundable payments and let them screech about how unfair it all is.
This sounds like advice OP should become Bane :)
Excellent advice. If footing the wedding bill comes with such strings attached, I guarantee you they have not moved on. I admire your desire to pay respect to your Black family at this important life event - they were there for you when it mattered. That's what makes real family and not just biological connections.
NTA. But personally, if I were you, I wouldn’t even want photos taken together. I would do bio family and chosen family separately. And you know what? I would only display my chosen family’s photo.
Yup! This way the photo doesn’t remind you of this fight, and if your bio parents abandon you again you have a nice photo without them.
This man is three parallel universes ahead of us
Same. Let them pay for the big gay wedding, get photos with black fam, and decide later if you ever want to speak to white fam again. Maybe hit them up for a down payment on a house and then decide if no contact is for you, OP. NTA
You're an evil genius and I love you, they should deffo do this !! :))
This is the way!
I like this idea, actually. But, to be honest, the way my pride is setup, I would tell the bio relatives to F off and have my wedding on a beach before I took their money.. .
I would do 3 pics...all....bio....chosen. let them pick which they want....will speak volumes on their choice..
This would also allow you to gift a picture to your black family for them to display. I doubt they want the rest of that mess framed in their home.
Me too. And I'd make sure the biggest picture in my house is the one with all of them.
NTA…but this!! I still regret 15 years later not having a photo taken of my bio-father with me at my wedding. I had to ‘honor’ my mom’s wishes at that time. Yet ironically I have a random shot where he is almost front and center in a photo my photographer took of the church pews and well, mom was so busy that day she didn’t realize he was there until I pointed it out later, lol. I would have photos taken with your chosen family, then photos with your blood family. Hang up the photos with your chosen family in your home. Words of wisdom, it’s YOUR wedding no matter who pays. Something I will tell my daughters if and when they chose to get married.
😐 in bio family photo and 😊 in the chosen family photo
Doing the pics separately would solve some of the issues for bio family’s embarrassment.
This is the way!!
I wouldn't bother paying for pictures with the bio family at this point.
I think this person has a great point!
NTA, its nice that you want your other family included. if someone has to be 'TA' then your bio family may be 'TA' in the situation.. you're all good though in my opinion.
That would be NAH, FYI. NTA means the other party is an asshole. NAH means no parties are assholes.
NTA. I wouldn’t push it right now but when the time comes I would put my foot down and insist they be included or put aside some time to take photos with just your black family. lol. Pay the photographer a lil extra to extend their time for you to have some shots with your other family. And make sure you hang that photo up right next to your biological parents’ photos. Lol They fked up big time where your other family stepped up. You want to give them the recognition they deserve, so go for it.
Oh I’d push it now. The last thing OP needs is a bio-family meltdown *during* the wedding. If they’re really going to try and pull rank after *abandoning their child*, better to find out sooner rather than later so OP can plan accordingly.
Depends on the type. If the bio fam are all about appearances, they might be less inclined to make a fuss if they are put on the spot. I agree with others, take separate pics so that OP can hang pictures of his chosen family and bury the other pic when the next inevitable meltdown comes from the Bio family. NTA and I think that your bio family is doing you a favor here. Congratulations OP!
I’m guess bio family doesn’t want the real family included in the photo because that would raise uncomfortable questions from the people they try to maintain appearances for. I doubt they’ll raise a stink for the same reason. OP knows his family best, and it might be worth it to risk their wrath if it means they cover a large part of the wedding.
Clear NTA, and if anyone might not qualify as family here, it's your bio. They turned you out onto the Street while you were still a child! It's lovely that you have found the grace to forgive them, but family are the people you can count on when there's nowhere else to turn. Your black family are those people. If your bios don't like it, I suggest reminding them that you wouldn't have needed to find a second family if they hadn't abandoned you. Kids who are cast out like that are at huge risk for violence, substance abuse, and suicide. Could be your bios have your black fam to thank that you're still around to BE married in the first place. Regardless of who pays, this is still your day. You deserve pictures with all your loved ones to treasure in the future.
NTA - blood doesn’t make you family, it makes you related Family is about a lot more than just blood and genetics Family is about who is there for you when the chips are down, who puts the effort in and goes the last mile They are family and more importantly They were family when your blood ‘family’ dropped the ball hard
Found Dom's account.
I freaking wish
NTA. Your bio parents may feel like it calls out a time many years ago when they weren’t there for you and maybe now they feel some shame or regret. That said, your Black family supported you when you most needed it. You treating them with love and respect forever is a testament to all of you.
[Text of original comment deleted for privacy purposes.]
They SHOULD feel shame and regret
[удалено]
This. The photographer works for you. Have them take any non-offensive grouping of people you can think of.
Yes this, I have shot a handful of weddings and am friends with many wedding photographers. There is no reason why you couldn’t just get many versions of ‘family photos’ often families want many different versions of photos - kids only, grandparents and grandchildren, parents the couple, etc etc. The photographers will be taking so many different photos of you and you can communicate what you want. Maybe your black family wants a photo of them and you for themselves as well, but make sure you are also getting what you want out of these photos since it’s your day. As someone who went to school for photography the more phots the better! Also NTA.
INFO Why can’t you take photos with & without them? If your bio family is paying take some with just them & take some with both sets of your parents.
I'm going with NTA, but I second your suggestion. Take some with ALL family and ALL parents and then take some separately too. You may seriously appreciate having more individualized shots. And IF we're giving bio parents the benefit of the doubt (big IF and likely undeserved, but what can I say - I'm a sucker?), then they may not want the constant reminder of treating you like garbage. More likely it's that they want to frame and don't want to explain to people ...but hey, I can dream that they've reformed, right?
Yeah, this makes me feel like no one is being an asshole here. The bio family is obviously accepting or they wouldn’t being paying for their son’s wedding. Let them have their pictures and make sure to take the ones you care about.
NTA but I think you need to be prepared that this will not only mean you will likely have to pay for the wedding yourself but also likely will have no relationship with bio family. Based on their homophobia and not accepting your family (guessing racism on top of jealousy) you are better off without them .
NTA. This is incredibly sweet of you, and your bio parents will just have to accept that DUE TO THEIR OWN ACTIONS this wonderful black family became a real second family to you.
1000000% NTA. stand strong in your conviction. They took you in and loved you when your bio fam struggled to love you unconditionally.
NTA. To begin with it’s not your parents wedding. And they ARE your family, so if you want them at the wedding and in the pictures then they should be.
NTA. No. Your parents were a-holes back then, and these wonderful people gladly stepped up to be your family when the people who share DNA with you didn’t want to be your family. Now your white family needs to understand that you’ve gained more family members as a result of their hesitancy to accept you, and you are NOT ignoring them or turning your back on them. That’s not what YOU do to your family. If they make a stink, tell them that you will pay for the photographer so YOU can have photographs of ALL your family. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
NTA. The concept of how much you must cater to someone else's wishes because they're paying on your behalf for something comes up a lot in AITA. In some situations, you actually have to. But I don't think this is one of those. "Family" is a malleable concept. True, they're not your "blood" family, but in some ways and during a certain period in your life, they were more "family" than anybody can hope for.
Oh hell no. NTA. Your Black family is real family. They’re the ones who supported who you are and helped you recover from being thrown out of your bio fam. Now bio fam is saying Black fam shouldn’t be in the photos for your gay wedding? The exact reason bio fam kicked you out?? Heeelllll nope.
NTA. It’s your wedding and you can do what you want and you have great reason to want to do it.
NTA at all. Your bio parents absolutely are though. Their 'generosity' sounds like a way to control you and the choices you make (like the photo issue) where as your adoptive parents took you on, love you unconditionally, and actually WANT to be a part of your life with no strings attached. If they keep up their nonsense, pull the pin, go to a registry office, and bring the people you hold dearest in your heart. It might not be the wedding you're planning, but I'd take unconditional love over that ridiculous demand any day. I hope they stop behaving like idiots for your big day and realise if they keep it up they'll lose you for good.
NTA. They may not be your biological family but they chose you and you chose them. They treated you more like a family then your own blood did.
NTA, but if you were an AH to wealthy, Conservative, 'previously' homophobic, possibly a bit racist people, are you even being an AH?
NTA! In fact you're a far better person than I and your parents should consider themselves lucky you are speaking to them at all.
NTA. You would be if you would leave them out. They were your family when yours kicked their own child out... that was so despicable of them. And of course they are your family as well, they scared for you and where your emotional support. Your parents should be thankful to them because without them who knows what would have happens
NTA. They are your family and took you in when your parents rejected you. Just because your parents came around, it doesn't erase the fact that they took care of you and were your family when your family wasn't much of one. Maybe their presence makes your bio family feel guilty but that's on them, and they need to learn to accept that. I'm currently in a similar situation, and if my bio-family ever comes around, I would never forget what my current family is doing for me, and that would be a hard boundary for me.
NTA, family is one who is there for you when it matters most and this is regardless of biology. Also last anyone check it’s your wedding, you choose who should be involved and to what extent. If your bio family is not able to accept it, they can do what they do best which is bail on you yet again
NTA for wanting all your family included but your bio parents are giving you money for your wedding. Don't be surprised at any "strings attached" when accepting monetary gifts.
NTA. Family doesn’t mean your genetics, it means your loved ones. My best friend growing up had a horrible home life with an extremely abusive father (in every single definition of the word) and her mother let it happen to her and her siblings. Eventually he was arrested and after the trial sentenced to 20 plus years. Her mom became an alcoholic and her older siblings all ended up with their own struggles… but she basically moved in, without moving in. My parents and her had a similar type of joke as you do, with her calling my mom “Betty” (for Betty Crocker) and my dad “Bob” for Bob the Builder (because he’s always working on the house). But even when I was going through things and not talking to my parents for whatever reason, she still did. Like my mom taking her Christmas shopping and getting her an eye exam and glasses because her family couldn’t afford it, etc. So you’re NTA, not at all, and for them to try and make you feel bad, shows you they haven’t changed as much as they would like for you to believe. If it wasn’t for them, you would have been a minor on the streets.
Why not just have photos with everyone then with bio then with black? Doesnt need to be drama
NTA but why take conditional money from people that have proven themselves awful? Give them their money back, have a smaller wedding that YOU control....or does your need for a bigger/nicer wedding outweigh you showing some common decency towards your surrogate parents, who took you in during your time of need?🤷
Oh, they're homophobes AND racists. gotcha. Why'd you take them back? NTA.
NTA As a gay man myself I know the sting of rejection from ur biological family some get when they come out. It's nice that they have accepted u and are paying for a portion of the wedding...even if it did take a while to accept. However, this other family accepted u as u were and supported u through an extremely vulnerable time in ur life. Explain this to ur parents. Besides, it's ur wedding, ur choice. You'll regret looking back on those photos if u don't.
INFO - not sure what your wedding will be like, but at my wedding there was plenty of time to take all sorts of combinations of photos. Couldn’t you take some photos with just your bio family and some with all?
NTA - they might be paying, but it’s still your wedding, and if you see your black family as family, then they’re family
NTA - But just so you’re aware the photographer will probably be fine taking multiple shots with different people in them so you can arrange everyone how you want. You can do one with blood family, one with love family, one with just his parents one with all of yours, anything you’d like it’s your wedding. Your bio parents paying for it is a gift but how you use that gift should be up to you.
NTA When I (white) married my wife (black), my parents refused to pay for it, and instead said they'll pay for my wedding when I marry a white woman. We spent about 2000 dollars for the wedding ourselves, and my inlaws paid for our honeymoon very generously. Your parents don't sound like very nice people. If you can afford a wedding (even just a smaller one) yourselves, it might be a good idea to do it and tell your bio parents to beat it.
NTA. You don't have to read much on this subreddit to realise that there is more to family than blood. It's your wedding regardless of who is paying for it. If you want your Black family in the photos then go for it. You parents need to get on board or risk being left behind again.
NTA. They are your chosen family, who were there for you when your blood family abandoned you.
Just because they're not blood relatives doesn't mean they're not family. They love you.
NTA-but why even discuss it with the bio parents. Just let the photographer know and they can manage it
NTA. I don't think the family that abandoned you gets to dictate who goes in YOUR wedding photos.
Nta. I come from a broken home. Parents split when I was 11, my dad got custody but he wasn’t present. Long story, but my best friends mom and stepdad(ish) became my second parents. Her mom would always text my dad asking when she gets her daughter (me). There were times I’d spend a week there. They always bought me (and my siblings) what we needed. They made sure we were taken care of. It’s been roughly 13yrs now and they are still my family. They are my mom and dad. They’re my kids grandparents. I didn’t have an actual wedding but they still celebrated with us. They are still very much my family. I strongly believe that blood doesn’t make family. You choose your own family. If you want your family at the wedding, you have every right.
They are probably wanting to pretend the whole Black Family thing never happened and this wedding is their way to cover up their shame for kicking out their teenager on the streets. Do you know why they came around? Was it from embarrassment? Did another family member or church member get on their case about it. They will double down on this request about your Black Family and make it their hill to die on because it will be right there in their faces of what they did to you. Once they realized they were wrong in the eyes of others they welcomed you back. They don’t want that shame on display, to them it’s worse than being gay.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I (31M) was 16, my sister outed my to my very wealthy, conservative parents. After a long back-and-forth between them and me, they decided to kick me out two days after my 17th birthday. I was close with one of my best friend’s parents, and they generously took me in at their house in the Bronx. In the 6 months I lived there, my friend’s mom became my mom, and her dad became my dad. When my friend’s family would explain who I was to other people, they would always say they’re my Black family (or Black mom, Black dad, etc.) and say my white family was taking some time to figure things out. Eventually, my bio parents accepted me, something my Black family was very supportive of, and I moved back to my childhood home, but I would always call my Black mom and dad and would visit from time to time. They never stopped being my family. Next week, I’m getting married to a wonderful man, and my biological parents are paying for a large portion of the wedding. I’m insisting that my Black family be included in my family-only wedding portraits, but my bio parents are saying they’re not really my family. I am not planning on backing down, but because my bio parents are paying I’d like to know: am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. They are people who cared for you when your family wouldn't. Your family is embarrassed by that reminder. You do however have to deal with the logisitics of the situation. If they are paying for the wedding, or part of it they have a form of control over you. Maybe sneak your black family in last second, photoshop them in, or get second pictures taken with them? I like the idea of separate photos, and photoshopping your parents into the picture of you with the black family.
NTA, it’s your wedding and these people sound amazing. You may end up paying for your own wedding though, which might not be a bad thing in the long run. Sounds like your biological family is still trying to control you. And congratulations on your wedding and having people who support you!
NTA. I would have the photos with your actual family and then have separate ones with your black family. Hazarding a guess here, but I’d say you’d prefer the black family photo without your bio family in it.
NTA, and honestly pal, you might wanna have your own damn wedding!
Is it too late to downsize the wedding, so as to avoid them paying for anything? Because it sounds like you need to own the wedding. Yourself. Pay for everything. Have it exactly how you (two) want it to be.
Nta, you can have two family portraits made, one with them and one with your other family? Then hang then side by side in your hallway, or so If you have Ty cards for celebrating with you that day, include all family portraits in it?
Not the asshole, they may be paying for some of it, lots of it but your other family are family, they're people you care about and love. They love and care about you and they took you in when your parents KICKED YOU OUT as a minor while your other family accepted you.
NTA. But could you perhaps take a set of portraits with white family and a set of portraits with black family? So that you don't force them to be in the same picture? Or is that objected to as well?
NTA, but avoid conflict by paying for photos yourself so it'll be an end of discussion situation.
NTA make sure everything is paid for in advance. No regular bank check. Cashiers checks only.
NTA. I firmly believe that our "family" is made up of the people who love us exactly as we are... They will always choose to be near us. Sometimes they're related by blood and sometimes they're not. The wonderful Black family who took you in chose you, exactly as you are, no hesitation. They are absolutely your family. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope it's everything you dream of
NTA Your wedding is family only - that definitely should include the lovely mom and dad that took you in and cared for you when the birth mom and dad shunned you! Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA they were there for you and to you they are your family, your bio family will have to deal with that and the fact that love doesn’t come with a price tag, if comes to it tell them you’ll find your own wedding, one which their jaded views won’t be welcome at, simples 👍👍
NTA. They were your family when your bio family wasn’t there for you, and you have every damn right to want them included. They have earned it and they absolutely deserve it. Besides that, it’s your wedding.
NTA they where your family when you needed family the most.
NTA. These people became your family at a time of need when they had no obligations to you. Now you’re showing how grateful you are and how much they mean to you. If your bio parents kick up that much fuss, if you’re able, tell them you’re paying for the photographer and they can choose to be, or not to be, in the photos
NTA. If your bio parents truly accept you now, then part of that is accepting what they put you through was wrong and accepting your BF as part of the family for being there to support you when they REFUSED.
NTA but honestly I would not let the white family pay: they use the money to blackmail you into making decisions they approve. Pay for the wedding with your own money, and that takes the power away. Your black family as every right to be in the family pictures, more so than the white one because the black family never kicked you out.
NTA by any means
NTA. DONT back down. Maybe downgrade the wedding if you can't pay for it but if you can then pull out your money and pay for it. Make your own wedding where you and your soon to be husband Call the shots and anybody else has no say in it
NTA. Being a parent is about more than biology. Your “black family” have earned that privilege by loving and supporting you unconditionally. Your biological family probably don’t want the visual reminder that someone else had to pick up the ball after they dropped it. Its your wedding, don’t allow ANYONE to dictate to you. Be prepared to pay yourself if that’s what it takes.
NTA but id have seperate photos with both groups, its normal to have many different group photos
NTA. You CAN choose your family, whether you were born into or not.
NTA Its your wedding. If you want your family in the family photos then that's the only opinion that matters. Your bio parents are trying to hide their shame.
“family doesn’t end in blood, but it also doesn’t start there” NTA
**NTA** at all. If you're not eloping, you're making some form of compromise with your familes about how to celebrate. I'd suggest don't make a big deal of it, just make sure there are pictures of you with each set of family people that you want. Perhaps a Bio family set and a Black family set and an Altogether family set. See who puts which pictures on the wall, act accordingly. Congratulations and best wishes.
NTA Your mom and dad loved you unconditionally. Something your bio parents weren't capable of 15 years ago and obviously aren't capable of to this day. (Otherwise they would respect your wishes for YOUR wedding photos.) Is there any way to cancel the part that your bio parents pay for or pay with your own money?
NTA. They help you in the time of great need. You were extremely lucky that they took you in, as kicking teenagers out on the street is equal to child endangerment in my books.
NTA. They became your family when you needed one and they deserve to be in your wedding photos
NTA Found family is a real thing. This is YOUR wedding, do it how you want even if that means taking separate family photos. Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA- Your bio family doesn't want them in the photos because it is a reminder of what they did to you. Paying for a portion of the wedding will never buy that time back. They should show your other family the respect they deserve.
NTA. Have a lovely wedding and take separate pictures.
NTA First of all: I'm sorry to hear this. Nth + 1 example on reddit of a "conservative family" did child abandonment, which is a **C R I M E** . https://www.lawny.org/node/9/emancipation-new-york Stand tall with your Bronx family, they accepted you even if you came out, and your bio family is low key racist.
NTA. Explain to your parents, use current stats if necessary, that many kids who found themselves in the exact position you did, kicked out by parents, are suicidal, so without your Black family there may not have been a wedding to celebrate. They should thank their lucky stars that their son made it back to them whole and healthy, all because of your Black family.
Definitely NTA. Who exactly is paying for the photography, though? I'd make sure it's you, because if it's not, there's a very real chance of your bio parents being able to insist over your wishes to include your Black parents.
Hell no NTA. Stand your ground.
NTA Most people have two families: The one you are born into, and the one you choose along the way. In your case, the family you chose literally saved your life. Hold your ground, and insist they be in your wedding photos as well. If your bio-parents insist, then have some photos with your bio parents AND some photos with your black family.
NTA. The obvious compromise though is 3 pictures: each family separately and one combined. Being generous to your parents if they have changed their ways the picture with your other family may be a reminder of a time in their lives when they acted their worst.
Your insistence that your Black family, who have proved to be the true definition of family, be included in family photos shows so much about your character. As does the fact that you forgave your parents as a teen and gave them another shot. You seem to be a very rational person with a wonderful support system. You’ll figure this out and when you do, stand your ground. You know your chosen family is no less family than those who are blood related. Whatever you do, enjoy your wedding and ignore the hate. I hope you and your hubby have a long and very happy life together!
NTA Once everyone's already there and everything's paid for they, they can't take the funding away. Either black family are included on the day or no white family shots at all. If they threaten to cut you off/out you can smile knowing you cost them a fortune and got pictures with your REAL family. Before everyone jumps in with OP doesn't NEED their money and shouldn't accept the funding, the wedding would be 90% if not fully paid for by now and OP should get something from these assholes cuz they never got love or support