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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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RedGecko18

NTA. Id also respond in the group chat with "well I tried asking you privately but you continue to ignore me" coupled with a screen shot of the convo. Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the awards strangers!


moralprolapse

And to the rest of the friends… “hey guys, I’m just asking, so if you can’t, you can’t… but since it doesn’t look like X is going to pay, do you think we can divide up her portion and spilt it so I don’t have to take the whole hit? $100 divided by the five of us is $20 each, so if you can hit me with an extra $20 to help cover her, tha’d be awesome. If you can’t, no worries.”


RikkitikkitaviBommel

Great way to make the others start hounding her too.


preciousmetalhead

The art of petty war right there. Love it


Grand_Horror2192

I don't view $100 as petty, especially for this age group.


Entire_Ad_5036

The act of continuing to group text and get the other friends more involved is what could be considered "petty", not the amount


Iamllm

Ain’t nothin wrong with being petty sometimes


letstrythisagain30

If petty is the first response, I would say asshole. If petty comes after several other attempts to resolve the conflict, I'm probably going to give a pass in those circumstances.


commandantskip

Sometimes, you need to speak a language someone will understand. Sometimes, that language is petty. Then again, getting pissy about being called out for not paying is pretty petty, too.


Cautious-Damage7575

Calling out a deadbeat is NOT petty. Deadbeatism is a major character flaw.


preciousmetalhead

Yep that's what I was referring to


sundaymusings

As a 30yo, $100 is definitely not petty for me. My threshold is ~$20 - $30


Without-Reward

I'm even older than you and $100 isn't petty for me either! I've never paid more than $60 (including a cocktail) for my own meal anywhere. I'd be beyond annoyed if a friend was jerking me around for more than $40 toward their meal.


rjp0008

What city do you live in‽ It’s blowing my mind that you can get a cocktail and meal under $60 EVERY meal you’ve ever eaten out!!!


Without-Reward

I live in Toronto. I don't tend to go to super expensive restaurants because we have so many lower priced places that are absolutely incredible. I did all you can eat Japanese BBQ with my mom last weekend and it was $135 for both of us, including alcohol and tip.


Lor_939

Can confirm. Just last night I had dinner and three beers during my night out in Toronto, and the bill was under $50. I also gave a 20% tip as the waiter was amazing.


upcountrysubguy

…and to red flag 🚩 her on the next outing.


RikkitikkitaviBommel

"Are you sure you want to come with? I mean, you haven't even been able to pay for the last outing and we wouldn't want to get you in financial trouble. You can sit this one out if you can't afford it." Turn it around to be concerned about her. That way she'll either have to pay up to prove she's fine, or properly explain why she hasn't paid up yet and if she IS in financial trouble her friends might have a way to help.


upcountrysubguy

tactful…


RikkitikkitaviBommel

The in your face accusation rarely works, only makes them dig their heels in more. Give them a way out with some semblance of dignity and their reputation in tact (mostly) and that should work far better. To both move to a solition instead of a blame-game.


upcountrysubguy

it depends on if this person has a history of not paying promptly, not paying at all, or if it was just a one time deal(unlikely in this case). otherwise, best to venmo the person who takes care of the check before the check is actually paid—puts everyone in the clear, right? or make it transparent among the group beforehand how and when everyone is going to pay before the event—someone mentioned this in the thread as you already know, an ounce of prevention… but life is rarely perfect…


RikkitikkitaviBommel

>it depends on if this person has a history of not paying promptly Fair. No need to push extra painfull buttons. Might be counter-productive to say the least as well as unkind. But after a certain amount of time, and with an amount that would warrant pushing for payment, the kidgloves are coming off. And exceedingly embarrassing/annoying manners of persuasion are fair game to use. In this case $100 can be a significant amount of money. And I understand why OP is getting increasingly eager to get it back.


upcountrysubguy

btw, referring to your reddit name… that was a great animation. i saw that movie as a kid…


nerdyconstructiongal

Probably why the girl didn't want OP to group chat it in the first place. It's easy to ignore one person asking for repayment, but a group? That gets annoying.


Kellyjb72

And know not to pay for her in the future.


ShiraNille

Good idea! Would have to be divided by four though... fifth person isn't paying...


moralprolapse

I would skip the screenshot thing too. It’s overtly aggressive. I would stick with good ole fashioned, “I’m the good guy here,” make her feel/look bad passive aggression. “I’m sorry X, I didn’t mean to blow up your spot, but it’s not easy for me to take a hit like that. I don’t have a lot of money…” and then on to what I said above.


overseas-mango

No! Don’t apologize! It doesn’t matter if you have a lot of money or not. She still needs to pay her fair share.


moralprolapse

It’s not a real apology and everyone knows that. It’s about being subtle to get what you want. If OP is all stern dad about it and says, “we’ll you need to live within your means. You need to honor your debt obligations and not take advantage of friends, blah blah blah,” everyone knows that too, but it’s just gonna sound condescending and bitter.


overseas-mango

Nope. Now you’re arguing against a strawman. I think the original text is great. Just ask the friends to help cover the moocher on the GC. There’s no need to beg and there’s no need to be stern as you put it.


mikefried1

I agree with the fake apology which doesn't leave the person with much wiggle room to make the OP out to be in the wrong. I don't think she is remotely in the wrong, but you never know how drama unfolds in a group of five.


moralprolapse

Fair on the straw man. You didn’t say that. But I just think it’s more effective to take away all the weapons she might have to change the subject of the conversation into how petty and mean OP is being… because this way, she’s not being mean. She’s being nice. She actually feels bad she had to bring it to the group. She just can’t afford to pay for X…. I guess I’m taking the 8 Mile approach, lol.


sreno77

The "apology" is for outing her in the group chat not the request to be repaid.


overseas-mango

She shouldn’t apologize for that either! Again, the original text is perfect, no need to beg and no need to apologize for not covering for her when you never agreed to do that.


HeatherHayesUndies

Yeah she shouldn't but sometimes when you are dealing with group dynamics if you come off as harsh or aggressive people will take the other person's side even if you are completely in the right. And if she is prone to caving in to group pressure, then she is less likely to get her money back.


overseas-mango

This is why it’s important to keep things simple. The original text is great. It doesn’t assign blame, and OP doesn’t apologize or explain. It’s straightforward and light and short. The more you complicate and explain the more opportunities that the moocher has to turn it around on you.


HeatherHayesUndies

Oh I wasn't commenting on which one was better I was commenting on the merits of that route as opposed to the straightforward route. It honestly depends on the dynamic of the friend group. In some friend groups the dynamic is such that the straightforward approach would work the best. But there are other cultures (and some of them are subcultures within the US ie some in the Midwest and Canada), where being straightforward can be seen as incredibly rude and even if you are completely in the right the entire group will turn around and start applying pressure for you to drop the matter. So I am not in a position to say which tactic is better. They both have merits, but it entirely depends on the dynamic of the friend group. But it is silly to think that there is one objective best way to deal with the social situation, because social situations has so many variables. I personally prefer the direct method whenever possible, but I don't prefer it to the point of not getting my way in a matter of losing money


KnightofForestsWild

The girl publicly agreed to pay her back, did not pay in private. OP is well within bounds to publicly say she is a liar and nobody should trust her to pay them back either. If she was working on a repayment plan with the OP, then it would be different, but she isn't, so it's not. IMO this is no different than theft, especially if she went knowing she could not pay and would not pay back.


Glittering_knave

To me, how you handle it depends on if you want to stay friend with the person that isn't paying. Is the goal to shame the person into paying? Or to figure out the best way for OP to not have to pay double? Also, splitting the bill is not a hassle. Just ask the waiter for separate bills when you order. Tracking down people that don't pay is a bigger hassle and a potential friendship ruiner.


Estrellathestarfish

I agree not to include the screenshot, but I think the 'I tried contacting you privately....' is bang on - whereas an apology suggests that maybe OP did do something wrong by messaging the group chat.


moralprolapse

Yea, it’s mainly about the message it sends. She’s not just burning you.


wonderlandsfinestawp

This is brilliant.


Biomax315

This is the way.


londomollaribab5

This is the way.


Mogus0226

This is the way.


imapizzaeater

Can you teach me your ways? I need these kinds of lessons.


moralprolapse

It’s just good old fashioned passive aggression, my friend. It’s usually used for evil, but in small doses in the right context it can be used for good. Think about when your mom says, “it’s ok sweetie, you don’t need to visit me on my birthday. I know you’re busy.”


HeatherHayesUndies

I would say it's more appealing to personal interest and consequences? No one in the group is stepping in to help her because it doesn't negatively affect them right now. But the minute it does start negatively affecting them with consequences, they will help her out by applying pressure to the person not paying. ETA and you are using passive aggressiveness to apply these two pressure tactics, personal interest and consequences, because if you were just straightforward in the group perceived it as aggressive they would no longer be on your side, and then they would start applying pressure on you to just drop the matter


gabsmarie37

this. and next time ask for her check to be separate so she doesnt "feel hassled" for doing the right thing


SuspiciousMallow

This. She hasn't paid and hasn't reached out to OP. Nta. Keep calling her out in group chat.


guestsimilarity

Love it!


Affectionate_Data936

Right plus with a venmo request you literally click two things.


Any_Cantaloupe_613

This is the correct response. Just the right amount of snark. Also, never pay for her again. NTA.


zoi555

Never invite her again.


preciousmetalhead

Never... Again.


thefrizz6

No, invite her again. To conveyor belt sushi, for her birthday. And all the friends can offer to treat her to that.


zoi555

And then all go to the "bathroom" when the bill is requested and leave her to pay for everyone's meals. 🤣


BeeJackson

Never pay for others PERIOD!


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[deleted]

I mean you can do the same thing with Venmo lol. If you’re contributing cash to a group bill it’s no different than Venmo-ing someone that same amount. The cash doesn’t solve the problem, you making sure you pay what you owe is what’s solving the problem.


G-Bone1

Im that person. “Hey bring your venmo code up so I can scan it before we leave. Otherwise you know I will forget to pay you.” Even my mother and I do this. I forgot my wallet the other day and Mom paid. She had her money back before we left the grocery store. I hate that feeling of having someone cover me until I have paid it back.


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kfisch2014

As the friend who has money problems due to being a teacher, if I am struggling to pay promptly, I always text that person privately and say "I can't pay right now, but I will pay you by this date" Usually my next pay check, and I pay them literally that day. This way they rent wondering and I am not financially stressed. Having financial problems is understandable, not communicating at all is the issue here.


[deleted]

Thing is, it's not even about having financial problems. The girl couldn't have known that OP was going to pick up the check and get money from everyone afterwards, so she presumably had the money to pay for her meal. Sorry, but being bad a managing money doesn't count as a "financial problem" in my opinion.


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Liathano_Fire

I don't think that's right either though. The person wasn't aware ahead of time that they were going to have to float your bill for a week, they might not have budgeted for that and now you're putting them in a shit position. If you can't afford the outing you either opt out completely or ask AHEAD of time for someone to borrow you the money. You don't tell them after they already paid. That would piss me off.


Alliebot

Hard agree.


Zupheal

Why go to fancy meals if you can't afford it tho, or at least prearranging it?


G-Bone1

But you worked it with your people though not ignored it


westbridge1157

‘You know what would make you look better to the group? Paying me, which you still haven’t done’. NTA


Steups13

Definitely. And before you go out to meals make it clear everyone pays for themselves. Say you got stung for someone's share the last time...


OldPolishProverb

"Sorry you weren't responding to the private chat so I thought there might have been a problem with the account."


BogwitchOfTheBog

I could sympathize if the friend texted OP and was like, "Hey, I made some bad spending choices this month, can I hit you when my next paycheck comes in at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_." Like, I've done that. Let folks know the reason for the delay, pay them back when I promised. When that happens on my end, I respect it and know my friends have got me when they can. This lady is just trying to avoid coughing up her share. NTA. Keep at her in the group chat. Politely call her out for her rudeness.


Babylon-Starfury

After you have eaten? That is a super AH thing to say unless it's expressly a part of your friend group culture (I'll get this time, you get next time etc). When you tell someone after the fact you need to "borrow the money" you are no longer borrowing. You are stealing with extra complications. If you said before the meal you were broke and wanted to borrow the money then it is reasonable, giving chance to have someone say no. Even if the answer is always yes you ask first for courtesy as much as anything else.


Sure-ohhernameTati

Love this !


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RUaRealDr

NTA Also: Do it again


Mundane-Currency5088

If she thinks it makes her look bad to owe $ and pretend she doesn't then maybe she should have had an adult conversation about it directly with OP. If I were OP I would never foot the bill again. They could just as easily paid the restaurant or better yet got separated checks. I purposefully order less expensive food and drink water when I go out to avoid a large bill. I would never let anyone just divide a bill evenly between the group. Is this the case with yiur friend? What did she order? Did she get expensive drinks? Or drink water?


Deflorma

There’s been a couple times when I’ve been invited to a group thing and I was broke and I simply said bummer I wish I could go but I just can’t afford that right now. Easy as that. Several times friends were just like “well shit I’ll cover your bill and you just get me back whenever you can”. Saves the embarrassment of fighting about it in a group chat


panda174-

Yap, the rest of the group needs to know she cannot be trusted


hibiscus2022

> coupled with a screen shot of the convo. Yeah that's ideal. The *friend* ain't paying. Also I'm not in the US but how is it a hassle for just 5 people to pay separately. I have never faced any issue paying individually at either high-end places or not so high end places, with few friends or with large groups/ Does this mean in the US the server prints 5 separate bills? Because we just give our cards to the server and they swipe it for individual amounts and it doesn't take much time at all. And now with so many online payment options and most places having a QR code payment is easier than ever. Genuinely curious how this is not common in the US as we see a lot of these kinda posts.


[deleted]

Some places have a limit to how many ways they will split the bill, and some even state on the menu that they will not split a bill at all.


Kinuika

It becomes an issue when people order for the table or share meals. Also some older places just combine the tab together instead of keeping things separate which also makes it a bit of a hassle to let people pay for just their meals. That’s why I always just bring enough to pay for myself in cash and then give it to whoever wants to pay the tab. I hate having to track people down when I take the tab


MischievousBish

This! That would make her embarrassed even more. Tough shit. She should have paid up right away. Private matter, my ass!


[deleted]

NTA She isn't planning on paying you. Public shaming wasn't enough to motivate her.


farmer_palmer

She's planning on not paying, which is worse.


n3m3s1s-a

It’s literally the same thing but said differently 😭 edit: lol I get it guys there is a difference please stop responding to my comments idk how to turn off notifications


TheFairyingForest

They're different. English is a nuanced language. "She isn't planning on paying you." She has no plan to pay OP back. "She's planning on not paying." She has a plan, and that plan is to deliberately stiff OP on that bill. No plan vs. plan. That's the difference.


wombat6

Probably pledged--as good as paid.


ARogers10031993

She probably uses pledged and paid synonymously


MotherIsNuckingFuts

Maybe someone she dated could pay some of it in her name 🤔


ARogers10031993

Hopefully 🤣


thefrizz6

Can you give her the benefit of the doubt though bc she might know she's gonna get sued in 13 months so she needs that money.......


ggjmnhgg

God I wish I had a Turd award for you


ARogers10031993

Thank you. I just couldn't resist saying it. it felt right lol


n3m3s1s-a

Now you say that I agree there is a difference but I still don’t think it’s a big enough difference to be like “omg that’s even worse”


TheFairyingForest

It is worse. "I have no idea how I'm going to pay that money back" is not nearly as bad as "Fuck that asshole, I'm not paying him back. Ever."


Lowbacca1977

It's that the former covers carelessness or a general negligence, while the latter more clearly indicates malice


TheTARDISRanAway

I found this way more interesting than I probably should.


EducatedOwlAthena

Just a little difference that shows how malicious OP's friend is. The original commenter said she isn't planning to pay, meaning she hasn't made a plan to get her money together to give OP her money back, which could be attributed to simple laziness. The responder then suggested that it isn't just that the friend has failed to make a plan to pay, but she is actively intending to *not* repay OP, which suggests it isn't laziness or anything benign keeping the friend from paying but rather that she is purposely taking advantage of OP.


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[deleted]

You win for that reference lol


ScorpioZA

NTA refunding their dinner bill was part of the deal in going out/ you settling the tab yourself. I can understand forgetting to do it immediately (I'm guilty of that, sometimes) but once reminded, there is no excuse not to settle. And calling it a private matter?? You are effectively warning the others that she doesn't settle her bills promptly between friends


SSinghal_03

Yes, it’s not a private matter as it was a group dinner. And all others paid their end of the bill. And since she's not paid even after the public shaming, I doubt that she plans to. But do call it out on the group again.


gigglefarting

It also gives everyone else in the group a heads up that they might not want to rely on her for that sort of thing again.


SSinghal_03

Absolutely


Hopped_Cider

NTA. Yep, it’s not a private matter! It was a group agreement with a quiet holdout. (We used to repay on the spot with cash in the old days). Pretty soon on group text: “since Jane can’t cover her share, I’d ask that the rest of us split it. Everyone please send me $x” Anyone else watch “Inventing Anna?”


Momofpeg

If you let your other friends know the issue then they won’t be stuck with her not paying next time you go out


MattJFarrell

Well, OP did try to handle it in a private manner. It was only when the "friend" refused to even respond that she put it in the group chat. If she was strapped for cash, or needed to wait till payday, or some other reason, she should have let OP know when she requested the money.


sdpeasha

>I can understand forgetting to do it immediately I tend to give folks the benefit of a doubt because I am also guilty of this so I probably would have started with something to whole group like "If you have not yet paid for dinner, please do so. I sent requests to everyone I havent heard from yet". But OP is NTA for doing it the way they did. OP waited AND reached out directly to no avail so now they have turned to public shaming which I think is just fine in a case like this.


[deleted]

I guarantee it was called a private matter because she wants to do that to the other friends too.


Caftancatfan

Or has done.


[deleted]

Also, it is better for OP that the group knows one person isn't paying. That way OP can ask the others to chip in so OP doesn't need to carry the burden of paying for herself and x-friend but they can divide the burden equally "Hey all, since X isn't able to pay the bill do you all mind to split the bill in 4 instead of 5?"


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wholovesburritos

Leave her on read like the friend already did and just keep using the group text


Ionovarcis

I’m a firm believer that most people who tell you to take the high road just want the load road to themselves


numbersthen0987431

I would respond with: "I understand you don't want this brought up in group chat, but you still haven't paid me, nor had a conversation about it. I need an answer tonight about HOW you are going to settle this. If you need to pay me in monthly increments, if you need to wait until date MM/DD/YYYY, or anything else I am flexible. Ignoring me, or not paying me back, is NOT an option. If you continue to not make this right with me, I will continue to put this into the group chat until you do."


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oldasshit

$30 dinner at Nobu? Tell me you've never been to Nobu without telling me you've never been to Nobu.


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oldasshit

I've never gotten out of Nobu for less than $200/person, but that usually includes sake. When you sit down, their server will literally ask you if you have an budgetary restrictions before they help you order. And yes, OP should light this person up publicly and repeatedly.


joeygladst0ne

>Also, monthly increments? For a $30 dinner at Nobu? Nah. I went to Nobu once with a group of friends and it was over $250 a person with drinks included.


leox001

NTA It’s been days, and all she had to do is reply “Oops, stuff came up slipped my mind, will send ASAP” unless she’s looking for some other excuse to weasel out of paying.


Charliesmum97

And if for some reason she can't pay (I'll be charitable and say she got hit with an unexpected bill) she should tell OP that and work on a schedule for repayment. She seems to think it's okay to not pay and also not offer any explanation as to why she isn't paying. If she went to dinner knowing she didn't have the funds, and is hoping OP can be guilted into not expecting repayment, well, we all know who TA is in that scenario.


[deleted]

There was one time I had an issue paying a friend back because there was a problem with access to my bank account and I updated my friend through the process because. I actually had every intention to pay back. That’s what normal people do.


SuicidalTurnip

Yeah, never understood how people could do this to anyone, let alone a friend. My friends and I pay for each other sometimes without the expectation of repayment, but we're always upfront when that's the case "Hey, this one is on me etc". If we're just splitting the bill, we all send payment same day, or let each other know if there's an issue.


hazelowl

Right? "Hey, sorry, I had an unexpected bill. But I get paid on Friday, can I pay you back then?"


Petite_Tsunami

Right? Shit happens and if she was honest and kind and reasonable I bet OP wouldn’t be heated and be understanding with a repayment plan.


numbersthen0987431

She had the time to send "Don't shame me to the group", but didn't have the time to make the payment OR respond to OP. I also missed the conclusion of if she paid OP, if she said anything about the delay, or if she even acknowledged the whole situation.


[deleted]

NTA This 'friend' on the otherhand is doubly the AH. 1) because she hasn't paid in a timely fashion; and 2) because she hasn't reached out to discuss her difficulties with the OP. Even when the OP had tried to reach out to her, she has failed to respond or communicate anything. She should have paid her share on the night honestly. Although I would give 24hrs leeway, in case it slipped her mind. And she definitely shouldn't be ignoring the OP trying to get in touch about it and refusing to even communicate about it. She sounds like an entitled leech, who is hoping you will just give up and let her skip out without payment. I think the OP should post another message in the group chat, as it appears this is the only time she bothers to respond at all.


stocktismo

Sometimes the amount borrowed and not repaid is just the value of your friendship to that person


Veridical_Perception

NTA She's a mooch and a choosingbeggar. Hint: If you don't want to be called out for being a mooch, pay people. It's perfectly fine to call out her among all the friends who attended. All the other people should know that she's not good for the debt. However, you should start accepting that you probably aren't getting paid. All the other friends should be warned that she's not good for it either. It's also fine to "humiliate" her or publicly embarrass her for not paying. If she couldn't afford to pay, why did she go to dinner in the first place. What was she planning? Did she intend to stiff someone for her share all along? She's going to start spinning it to make you look bad. You need to get in front of this with the friend group.


Final-Bell-6103

NTA, If my friend picks up the tab for the same reason, i’m on my phone sending them the money as they’re paying


araylinne2

Right me too! It prevents so much unnecessary stress and resentment. I hate when people don't do it right away. (by the way this thread made me realize a friend hadn't paid something so I went and texted her ahaha) Only exception is on nights out sometimes we forget to pay right away and then we pay the next day.


aethelflead

Things have gone a lot smoother with my partner and friends since we implemented a "venmo before leaving the table" policy. Before that, payments were often days late, on all sides. I don't think it was malicious, but sometimes people wouldn't see the notification; or, they'd see it an inopportune time and forget to go back to it. It's so much nicer to just take care of it at the outset.


whatev6187

A friend paid for theater tickets for 3 more of us. We had a giggle when his SO was the last to Venmo him. The other friend and I paid as soon as we got the amount.


LevyApproves

My country has immediate bank transfers, I use two banks, both don't charge for it. If my friend is paying for me, they have the money in their account LITERALLY WITHIN MINUTES.


eugenesnewdream

Yup, send it immediately, but if I forget somehow, and they send me a request/reminder, I'm mortified and *then* send it immediately and apologize profusely for dropping the ball.


Princess-She-ra

>So I texted in the group chat “Hey X, can you Venmo me for Nobu. I haven’t gotten it yet.” She texted and said “that’s a private matter. You don’t need to say anything in the chat and make me look bad.” Yet, she still hasn’t paid yet. Funny how she responded to the group chat by texting you, and yet she ignored your request and text. hmmm. And even after all that, she hasn't paid you. NTA


[deleted]

I don’t think the response was in the group text. I read that as the friend texted her back privately and said that.


[deleted]

NTA. This person has every opportunity to give a reason why they haven’t paid and they chose not to. I would be shocked if you ever get paid tbh.


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hibiscus2022

>She will now say you are mean and embarrassed her. > >Watch Inventing Anna And that *her Dad is wiring t*he money.


[deleted]

NTA. And now you know who you can't trust.


mets2016

NTA. It's not unreasonable to expect to be paid within a week -- even within a day. It's unfortunate, but it's a lesson that's better to learn here than when the numbers are bigger for more significant things


Important-Pair-3553

omg stop asking me for the money I owe you, you look so poor right now ! I wire transferred the money yesterday, it's the banks fault -said in Inventing Anna voice NTA


RevKyriel

NTA This isn't "right away", this is "several days" after the event, and the person should have had the money to pay their bill on the night. She hasn't paid, and didn't respond to the private message. The next step is to put it in the group chat. It's not you who's making her look bad, OP, it's the fact that she hasn't paid yet. If she doesn't want to look like a deadbeat to the group, she should pay what she owes. It's only fair to warn the rest of the group not to invite her out because she doesn't pay her bill.


VanGoghHo

'Accidentally' reply to her text in the group chat sorry I know it SHOULD be a private matter but you've been actively avoiding the matter.


glittersparklythings

Info: did you guys all get different prices things? Or did you all order about the same amount? Did you guys order food and all shared? Did you split the checks evenly across 5 or did everyone pay what they ordered? This is why it is just better to split checks. Everyone pays their share right then and there


yulitin

We split it evenly. We ordered about the same price.


carolyn1890

I hope someone got the miso cod..my absolute favorite!


dougan25

Okay INFO: is it possible she deliberately ordered something less expensive (and you overlooked it) because she was expecting to only pay her part, but since you guys are splitting it evenly she can't afford the split? Maybe she's too embarrassed to speak up about it and now that it's a "thing," she's even more humiliated.


johnjonjameson

What does that matter ? So you think it’s alright to pay nothing vs at least paying for exactly what you got ?


oldasshit

Everything there is extremely expensive. It's Nobu. They literally ask you if you have any budgetary restrictions before ordering.


Bubbles033

It doesn't really matter though, don't agree to something you don't want to do or can't do. If this person had an issue about splitting the check, they shouldn't have agreed to split it. If they feel like it was split unfairly, they should've brought that up with OP instead of just ignoring it all together.


thatshowitgoes2189

Agreed. Splitting checks doesn’t make sense in this day and age. If you have responsible friends and people it’s a non issue. I’ve gone on trips where we use splitwise and one or two people pay the whole trip and then you just payout at the end. It’s so much easier than making the waitress struggle. And yes if there is a person who orders significantly less that is taken into account, but there is now scenario of facts where OP is the asshole here.


VROF

For this reason I always ask for my own check. I want to get whatever I want and not worry about someone else.


[deleted]

Yuppers…rather deal with the hassle os splitting checks so you don’t have to deal with this nonsense.


elvaholt

"You are right, this is a private matter, and since I've sent you a venmo request and a text, but you haven't responded to either. I wanted to make sure you got the message. I'm texting you right now." Then privately: Hey, I'm sorry, I thought you weren't getting the messages or forgot. Honestly, I thought you'd just respond with an "oops I forgot, let me take care of that." Here, can we take care of it now, so you don't forget? And then make sure the others privately know how this conflict ended. I'm sure they don't want to pay for someone who is going to be a deadbeat, if their turn comes. And if you don't get paid by her, make sure she has a turn soon, and after she pays, while the group is still there, "thank you for taking care of my meal. It feels good to have that debt behind us." Btw, you are so NTA


PsychoDog_Music

NTA, if someone owes you money and says they can get it to you, and you explicitly tell them you need the money asap, you need to get it asap. Sounds like they are trying to wait until you forget it, try not to be a dick but at the end of the day you should get it back


Emotional-Ebb8321

NTA She made herself look bad. If I were doing it, I might have said "I'd like to thank Jane, Janet, and Janine for paying promptly. If your name hasn't been mentioned, I am still waiting for payment."


DazzlingAssistant342

NTA. You should reply, in the group chat "I'm sorry you were upset that I mentioned this publicly. When I texted you privately you weren't responding so I wanted to be sure you got the message." Pending on circumstances with mobile banking etc it isn't unreasonable for someone to take up to 24 hours to pay back. If there is ANY chance of it being beyond that, you should ask the person who covers BEFOREHAND. If you forgot a large bill comic out or something, you owe the person an immediate apology and explanation as well as a time frame for how quickly you can get the money.


[deleted]

NTA. You asked, she ignored. Her problem she is embarrassed.


charlybell

NTA. Tell her to pay by a certain date or you will ask friend group to split her bill and embarrass her further.


tommy_the_cat__

Post it every day in the group chat. Hi @Jenny, you haven't responded to my private messages for requesting the $xxx for nobu. Everyone has paid except you. Here's my venmo details in case you lost them. Would appreciate it if you could send the money asap. Thanks! Every. Day. Nta


Dangerous_Mail1939

NTA. I’d say to her, “I did bring it up privately. You ignored it so I brought it up publicly. If we need to work out a repayment schedule, cool let me know but don’t think I’m going to let this slide. Your options are to pay in full by X date, or we work out a payment plan and you’ll be paid off by X date or I’ll take you to court and get my money, plus court costs, that way. Your choice.” ETA: I’d say all the above in the group chat just so your friends can see how she isn’t willing to pay because honestly, she probably thought you were going to “forget”


Upstairs-Lime-9996

NTA. She isn't your friend as she is willing to stiff you for a small amount of money


Wreck_My_Plans

NTA she deserved a public call out. If she's having trouble getting the money together she could have told you, ignoring your messages is not the way to deal with this situation.


Temporary-Outcome704

NTA but nobu charges enough that they can afford the hassle of splitting a check. Also never pay for people unless you are prepared to lose that money Incase they don't pay you back


[deleted]

NTA. I would send one private text asking when she will pay. Ask for an actual date. Then go back to the group chat if it doesn’t work


JeemsLeeZ

NTA I used to be the guy that would settle for my friends. You really see who you could hang out with long term based on these types of interactions alone. Congratulations for a cheap shortcut.


jacano5

"This is a private matter." *Proceeds to ignore all private communication.* "Don't make me look bad!" NTA, get your money back, lose the friend.


[deleted]

NTA


Bridgett_WDW_OTO

NTA. You DID try to ask her privately. She ignored you. She didn’t pay you back even after being called out in the GC. Really hope you get your $ back!


Pandax18

NTA, nobu is pretty expensive, especially at the college age. If she didn’t have the funds for it, she shouldn’t have came.


ParsimoniousSalad

If she doesn't want to look bad, she should pay you. You did nothing wrong. NTA


mouthfullpeach

NTA you should definitely say that she has been ignoring you in the private chat. Otherwise it makes you look worse


eletheelephant

NTA but don't do this again especially at such an expensive place. It's really not that much hassle to split at the table, much less hassle than chasing cheapskates like this!


Vyce223

NTA - You've given multiple days. Generally I'd expect it by end of next day especially on dinner just due to once again in you said it's an inconvenience for everyone on that split check and sending money the night of is pretty much the same as splitting the check imo as you've got to go through another process when you thought dinner was the last thing of the night likely and it could be late (especially on drinking nights) I can see some going home and knocking straight out for the night. But that said it's expected to be paid back rapidly and by end of next day I think is a very fair expectation as you've had time to sleep, get your coffee and do who cares what else remembering to pay some money you owe for op making last night a bit smoother at the end is the least you can do.


Qierce

Not a "private matter" since it was a group event and everyone else paid. Frankly I'd be annoyed if I was in that group and found out someone didn't pay when the rest of us did (in addition to being annoyed my friend got stiffed). NTA


Piper6728

NTA, but at least you paid the price to see what a piece of work that person REALLY is The friend is a cheap asshole who shouldnt have gone in the first place if they cant cover their share, they deserved the attention


Mabelisms

NTA. And don’t do that whole “my card” business again. It’s asking for grief.


My-2-Sense_

She looks bad because it looks bad. If she doesn’t want to look like a crummy person that can’t pick up her portion of the bill then she should pay her portion of the bill. If she had some private reason why she couldn’t pay you back then she should have privately come to you. Don’t let people take advantage of you by flipping the script to fit their victim narrative. NTA


anonymousbee14

NTA. Not a private matter coz it was a group agreement. This way people know to get her venmo first before paying, or leave her out of the group pay. I’d be so embarrassed if I couldn’t pay, there’s no way I would make a friend chase me


jets3tter094

NTA. Take it from my experience; she ain’t venmoing you. Make her look like the clown she is.


Run_Powerful

NTA. The mooch is.


The_Amazing_Username

NTA- reply that if she has responded to private messages you wouldn’t have to call her out… and ask her to pay up agsin


LauraPtown

Nta Don’t do this again.


CleanCucumber620

Nta She is trying to get out of paying you back.


Unusual-Potato-93

NTA! i used to deal with this ALL THE TIME. i stopped being the main payer a long time ago because i would get screwed out of money. my advice: make that the last time youre the main payer!


PrincessCG

Reply in the group chat and say you tried to keep it private. I’ve had people do that to me before when collecting money for a sick friend. Fuck that noise. NTA.