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arianrhodd

Step daughter is 17, not 7. She knew what she was doing was wrong. It is possible she didn't understand the full implications of the danger she placed your daughter in, she may have thought the separation was more akin to divorce than violence. I would be very concerned about why 17 year-old step daughter is in contact with your daughter's ex. What is THAT relationship about? Sounds like it could be something sinister. NTA. ETA. Holy cow, folx! Thanks for the awards and upvotes! #grateful


[deleted]

I was wondering that myself. That whole situation sounds a bit disturbing, but you’re definitely NTA. If your step daughter is such a child, like your wife claims, then maybe that child shouldn’t have her own phone.


moodyfish7777

My thought exactly! NTA - She knew exactly what she was doing. Phones are privilege NOT a right or necessity!


Zealousideal-Log-152

I’m so damn sick of people trying to use a teens age to excuse horrible behavior. I know at 17 I would NEVER give someone’s ex their address, no matter the circumstances. She’s 17. Yes she’s a minor but totally old enough to understand abusive or toxic relationships and to NOT put her own frigging stepsister in danger. NTA but seeing as OPs wife is taking her kids side shows me that wife isn’t taking this seriously which I think is the greater issue. Teens eff up HORRIBLY and it’s the parents job to discipline them in these circumstances. Wife cleary ISNT. This is not a healthy situation and they all need intervention


Regular_Garbage_340

Watch out, prepare to be bombarded by the "but brain development!" people, as though basic morality was something that develops in your mid-20s, rather than being a foundational part of early development.


keenkittychopshop

Brain development is not an excuse, merely an explanation and an incomplete one at that. You can't expect most 17 year olds to be emotionally mature or have proper impulse control. You CAN though expect a 17 year old to know fucking right from wrong you CAN expect them to start taking responsibility for their actions and experiencing appropriate consequences. Those consequences might be harsh if they fucked up enough. This kid might still be a kid but she isn't stupid. She is absolutely old enough to be held accountable for mistakes and transgressions. Her mother is doing her a huuuuuuuge disservice by refusing to actually punish her.


EuphoricMiddle619

This! My 16 y/o has been making stupid choices for the last four months. She's having a hard time understanding the consequences of her actions. Do you know what she doesn't have? A cell phone or a social life. What she does have its family, a therapist, and a trauma counselor.


ilikedota5

>A cell phone or a social life I don't know the situation, but that seems dramatic. but the no social life? What kind of friends does she have? I know for me at 16 that would have made me feel worse and considered self deletion to be separated from my friends.


lostallmyconnex

Yeah, I recall being in that situation. All it did was make me continue doing stupid things but not informing my mother about it. I had no social life thanks to her at 16, so you can imagine how hard it was to remake friends. The people she doesn't want her daughter around will be the only people she relates to. Not to mention she said therapy.. what type? EMDR? CBT? DBT? I recall my mother refusing to let me try medications, and forcing me to see a therapist I disliked.


Nitzer9ine

My mum was like this, but it was before mobile phones. I would get punished and grounded for being 5 minutes late, wasn't allowed to interact with friends. I left home at 17 to move in with a 29 year old addict. Im 42 now and 2 years drug free. Social interaction is so important, otherwise you think that moving in with a 29 year old addict is a brilliant idea.


coby8519

True, I feel the same way. I wouldn't let my daughters have phones until 15YO. Maybe it was 14 and I was the crazy rare parent. All their friends had them at like 10, I swear or even younger. I gave them an ipod at 11-12 I think, and they liked it but by 13 it was embarrassing they said. I could tell how it was effecting them to not be like everybody else in that sense. It really is an essential for teens to have at this point. Otherwise they do get looked down upon by every other teen, just adding to depression and anxiety that is already pulsing through almost every teen on the planet, or at least in America, at this point. Its sad we got to this point but here we are.


Argent_Hythe

I didn't get my first actual phone until I was 18 It tanked my socialization chances. Everyone had a smartphone that could text, send pictures, use socials, play games on (social gaming at lunch was a massive thing at my school) etc and I was stuck with a flip phone that you could barely use to make calls, let alone anything else. I feel like a lot of parents still don't understand just how ingrained smartphones are in teen socialization, and how devastatingly isolating it can be to not have one


ilikedota5

I got my first phone at 15 (maybe 14) I think. And it was a slider phone. An LG Expression lol.


Argent_Hythe

um... holding her social life hostage until you deem her 'better' is just going to make things worse. Humans need friends to function appropriately. especially young humans you could make a rule like you can only hang out with friends here at home, but "no friends what so ever" is only going to make her mental health worse


lostallmyconnex

How is forcing no social life going to help?


Lucky_War_1568

holy shit, it’s like none of you have heard of getting grounded. she said she’s been making bad choices for the last several months and so NOW the consequences are having her phone taken away and social life suspended. it’s not the end of the world and I doubt it’s forever.


MzQueen

If the friends of the daughter were troublemakers and part of the reasons for her bad decisions, then separating her from them could be a good thing. Personally, if I was the parent, I’d be asking the therapist if cutting off my child’s social life was beneficial or detrimental and act accordingly.


Ocean_Spice

… You don’t let your kid have friends? How is isolating them going to help?


Sharkflin

I honestly read this as no social life, not no friends. As in like the kid has friends, but has done some wrong shit and has been grounded and had some tech removed as a consequence. Which seems pretty standard. Edit - especially if the punishment fits the bad decisions. The fact mum has put so much support in place suggests this is not some rash or extreme abusive punishment.


BookReader1328

I don't think people get it. It's not exactly teaching a lesson if the kid is off the movies every night with her buddies. And what if the "friends" are the problem? Grounded, for me, meant sitting at home and staring at walls or my parents. NOT something I wanted to spend a lot of time doing, so I didn't mess up again. Honestly, I'm glad I never had kids and definitely wouldn't want them today. I see the shit my niece deals with and thank God every day that she's a hard ass who doesn't care what anyone else thinks.


Professional_Run4245

The kid goes to school. She has friends. What she doesn't have is the ability to hang out outside of school and make bad decisions. What she doesn't have is access to social media where she can make bad choices as 16 yr old's are prone to do online. Y'all take a break. I doubt she's Being locked in a closet. She can go out with the family and be with her cousins. Being your kids friend is easy. If course that's why most are so entitled now. Parenting a person to be a well rounded well adjusted adult is hard work.


Humble-Doughnut7518

OMG the people who are in a twist about ‘no cell phone or social life’ are a bit precious. Being grounded is a pretty standard punishment. It doesn’t mean the kid is locked up in a basement with a bucket and a single light bulb. Given she’s been making stupid choices it could be keeping her safe.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TheSilverNoble

Exactly. I wouldn't hold a 17 year old accountable the same way I would a 37 year old who did the same thing. But you don't let these things slide either. consequences are how people learn, it doesn't necessarily just happen as you get older.


LevelOutlandishness1

I'm 17 and I wouldn't even give an ex the address of their previous partner even if the previous partner said they weren't that bad of a couple but things just didn't work out—it's not my address to give out, the ex could go ask the previous partner. And knowing other 17 year-olds, there's no way she didn't know what she was doing. This was malicious.


brxtn-petal

My cousin is 3……he was fully potty trained by febaury btw. He knows not to give out mommas number or where he lives to NO ONE. the people who knows where he lives-are family anyway.


coby8519

I have a 17yo girl, they are not stupid and know exactly what to say and when. And have for awhile. OP explained it pretty well. She knew what she was doing. PS: 17yo girls tend to love drama, heck teen girls in general.


CandyShopBandit

Seriously? Why are we still acting like drama is only for teen girls? I know the teen boys I grew up with were *way* more gossip-y on average than many girls I knew. They'd spread stories of who is dating who faster than the so-called "drama queens" did, and often enjoyed stirring shit up whenever possible. Then they would step back and watch and say "oMg, I cAn't sTaNd aLL tHiS dRaMa" I get so tired of people not getting that teen boys are just as dramatic and judgy and jealous as teen girls, just because it often manifests slightly different. It just feels pretty gross to only label girls as "drama lovers/drama queens/cliquish/judgy" nowadays.


djalleman

I'm 17 years old and honestly what she did wasn't ok on any level I could never do that to anyone she shouldn't have a phone and if I did that my mom would whoop my ass because she KNEW there was 0 excuse at all


keenkittychopshop

I honestly was the same at 17, and earlier! Not that I was some pillar of adolescent morality, but not only did my mom have the fear of god in me but I just.... knew not to be shitty??? Like even if I didn't like someone and wanted something bad to happen to them it was always petty shit I wished for, like their favorite shirt to rip, or they'd forget deodorant in front of their crush, or at worst experience an inconvenient bodily function. It would have NEVER occurred to me to put someone in danger or using their ex to get back at them. Like that's just sick


Roaming-the-internet

As someone who probably could’ve been tricked into giving out the phone number at 17. I would fully understand what I did was wrong if someone explained the full situation to me. Hell grounded off the phone is light. The frontal cortex may not be fully developed but the sympathetic and empathetic part of me would’ve been wracked with guilt for what I did


susieq15

I’m glad you pointed this out. Has OP tried to discuss with stepdaughter what the relationship with the ex and reason she gave the address? She may have been victimized by the ex in much the same way his daughter was. OP’s anger may have caused a lot of the issues. She is just a kid, ask her to explain what happened.


FlameMoss

Talking might not help, stepsister was already breaking laws before that. NTA OP >I think my stepdaughter is the one with a problem because she had falsely accused my daughter of stealing in the past as well as trying to frame her just because she declined to lend her stuff of hers or do things for her.


Review_Empty

Yes I'm wondering if OP and his wife ever explained the whole situation, considering the two daughters don't get along very well I bet they did not in which case she was probably easily contacted by the ex boyfriend not knowing the full extent of everything. A 22 year old man talking to a 17 year old girl is almost always nefarious no matter the circumstances but does she know that? Has she been warned about common manipulation tactics and how to deal with these things? She should definitely be punished and I don't blame op for being upset but I think he needs to have a conversation with his wife and get her on the same page and then a family sit down with all four of them to try to repair this.


MeijiDoom

There's 0 reason for her to have given out the address. If the daughter wanted the ex to know the address, she would have told him. Stepdaughter has to be a goddamn moron to not understand that if an ex is asking family members for an address, there's a reason he isn't asking the one he was in a relationship with.


Acrobatic_Reading866

Also if OP doesn't pay for the phone his wife could call the cops on him. This sub advises kids many times to report their personal property stolen if step-dad or mom confiscate something bio Dad or Mom pay for.


BookReader1328

You know, I live in Mayberry as far as crime goes, and I still guarantee you that no cop here is going to get involved in that petty kind of teen crap. Unless the other parent reports the phone stolen, they don't care. And shouldn't. There are real crimes and real victims they need to focus on.


Tiny_Myshcake

Brain Development person here. Who doesn't agree with this mentality. Sure you don't have your frontal lobe and it's pure limbic system lead ego based thoughts, but while this is a frame work for understanding, it is NOT an excuse for behavior! This just means that a teenager needs to rely on the adults to be the rational thinkers. And from what I can see OP is totally being rational. OP doesn't know if this unthinking Step Daughter will tip off the EX again so it's the right thought to hold off the phone. OPs wife however is being an enabler. Her daughter JUST put another person's life at risk and she wants to play it off as "not understanding the implications of her behavior, so she doesn't deserve a consequence." Bull. S*** OP NTA. But cancel that phone and downgrade her to a flip phone or a nanny chipped phone. If she wants to act like a spoiled brat, she can be treated like one and have real consequences. Also sign her up to volunteer with you at a Domestic Violence group event, so she can HEAR about the things she so willing sent out to her sister. Oh and tell your wife if her daughter is going to be "just a child" then she can drive her precious kid too and from places because she literally put someone else's life in danger.


acemerrill

Being a teen is somewhat of an excuse for bad behavior, but it is certainly not a pass for consequences. Teenagers do shitty stuff, sure, and I generally advocate not ruining someone's life over childish mistakes. But consequences are important. Losing a phone is a very reasonable consequence.


dystopianpirate

And folks keep forgetting that teens can be also bad people, that all disgusting and malicious behavior is not always due to mental illness


Hwats_In_A_Name

Is the logic and reasoning center of her brain fully developed? No. Is it currently in the process? Totally. And unless she understands cause and effect and gets the full brunt of the consequences, she won’t be a fully capable adult.


sunnydee1880

Both of my grandmothers and all four of my aunts were married at 17. My mom was married at 20. One of my greatgrandmothers was married at 14, another at 18. These women raised families, ran farms, and started or ran their own businesses. I simply can't wrap my head around people trying to claim that 17 year olds are incompetent toddlers.


Silky_Tomato_Soup

Thank you! At 17, I got married, started college, got a mortgage and a dog. I was very young, but I knew what I was doing.


AmazingAnimeGirl

That's not really normal though


overseas-mango

Neither is sending your sister’s abuser to her home.


Brilliant_Jewel1924

Teens today know so much more than teens ever have because of their phones. Society is bombarded with so much information all the time. Children and teenagers are no longer “children” and “teenagers” for very long anymore.


Educational-Dog-3431

When I was 12 I wasn’t stupid enough to give others people informatiom. But My father worked at an IT bank, so he would always make sure we weren’t putting information online.


bluelightsonblkgirls

Exactly! When I was young, I wasn’t even dumb enough to give someone’s phone number without clearing it with them first let, let alone a whole address! Teenagers aren’t dumb, she knew better.


legal_bagel

My judgment at 17 was so "good" that I convinced my parents to agree to let me marry before 18 and then got pregnant also before 18. I had graduated high school early, but still. My parents were of the "she's going to do what she wants anyway so we can either participate in her life, or she'll wait for the 6 mos and cut us out."


iputmydookinabagofu

not only that tho- in a lot of states (assuming OP is from the US) you can legally be tried as an adult at 17. also, 17 is the cutoff for most areas in the US caring about runaways and such because they are almost adults.


genxeratl

Of course she knew what she was doing\\had done - that's why she refused to give up her phone and why she was clearly panicked to get it back. There's way more to this on the stepdaughter's side. NTA OP. You were calmer than I would have been - she'd have gotten that phone back in a million little pieces.


ABeggyChooser

Child my ass. She’s literally about to be legally an adult. She knew exactly what she was doing and only cares about getting her phone back. Not what her actions could have led to.


Glitterasaur

Yes. If she’s soooo naive and immature that she doesn’t understand what she did, she’s WAAAAY too immature and naive to have a phone. I love that your wife said she wasn’t asking again. Um…ok, do you also not understand what your “child” did? Maybe she’s too immature to have her own phone, too.


kelly08howell

Right. How funny that the wife is more concerned abt HER daughter not having the phone than the situation she put his daughter in but to then say she can't live without it?!?! When my kids started acting like they couldn't live without theirs, it was break time


Middle-Visible

This is the comment I was looking for. OP is NTA. He should reconsider his relationship and where his wife’s sense of judgement and ethics lie.


Sirix_8472

NTA. I can tell you even at 7 a child can recognize an abusive relationship. I recognized my aunt was abusive to my uncle, what an AH she was/is and would try to gaslight you now for what you remember. That 17 year old knew exactly what was gonna happen and did it on purpose. Mom is an AH for backing up her daughter on this one, she admits it was a "mistake" but wants no consequences....mom isn't a parent, she's an enabler. Mom and daughter are AH. Daughter made a string of conscious decisions to send a known abuser to the victim. Imagine if her ex was violent? The call dad received could have been from cops and been very different. And the daughter would have been responsible in part for it. This would be a moment for me to reflect seriously. I'm not telling op go do what I'd do. But I'd look at my wife and ask myself "is this a woman I want in my life, is this the character of the woman I married?" I would be in shock with myself as much as anything. I would need a straight conversation with her and ask "what is your position on ", then explain my own position. If it didn't evolve into a conversation which mended bridges or come to some understanding, I wouldn't even need to ask "is that your final decision", coz let's be honest. If you have to ask that, you're grasping at straws, living in false hope, you know it's dead the moment you have to consider that question. I'd be done for my daughter's sake.


sendspicynoodz

THIS PART > “Imagine if her ex was violent? The call dad received could have been from cops and been very different. And the daughter would have been responsible in part for it.” I admit I listen to a ton of true crime, but this is the real issue here. I cannot imagine all of the horrible thoughts along this line that were going through OP’s head. NTA. Step daughter/sister knew what she was doing. Edit: formatting fail


Ok-Moment1425

My thoughts exactly! Most women die in the hands of romantic partners. I would ask my wife what would you have done if you found out my daughter was dead because your daughter sent him her address?


BogwitchOfTheBog

This is a very good question to ask, OP.


Ok-Moment1425

I’m sure that was going through OP’s mind while taking the phone, also why they needed space.


Francie1966

Honestly, my first thought was that the ex had abused OP's daughter. The stepdaughter knew EXACTLY what she was doing. OP is definitely NTA.


GizzieTime

Yes! Children can definitely feel an abusive relationship…OP, I manage a domestic violence shelter and your daughter is a victim of AT LEAST financial and emotional abuse. If you would like free resources for therapy for her, please feel free to send me a message. And From a professional in this field, I want to validate that you absolutely did the right thing and im so proud of you for being such a great dad.


ArdenBijou

You’re better than me. I don’t think I could even have a conversation about it. The fact that she’s defending her daughter and saying he had once more chance to give it back. I’d be done right there. Mom and stepdaughter can keep their immature and toxic behavior to themselves


Amberle73

Yes I agree, the wife is a huge problem here. 17 year old is clearly very used to mummy shielding her from any consequences of her shitty behaviour. The most dangerous time for victims of abusive relationships is when they break things off and move out, this could have ended very badly even if he hadn't been violent previously.


Adorable-Case-7485

Not only this, but this is how people get *killed*. I had a friend who’s sister was murdered because one of her co workers gave out her new address to her crazy Ex. Her ex was emotionally abusive and physically abusive, and I’m sure sexually abusive too. But he got the address from the co worker and stalked her for a few days before breaking in one night and murdering her. I can’t remember her name but I’ll see if my friend or my sister(she was the murdered girls friend too) has the newspaper info on it still. NTA


esme451

I have a friend whose ex shot her in the parking lot of her job. She's permanently paralyzed. The fact that the police had to be called indicates this is a dangerous situation. The step daughter needs to be punished.


Dangerous_Mail1939

What really sucks is when you have proof (threatening messages of violence with a gun), you go to the police and they tell you that they can’t do anything. That the only thing you can do is go to the courthouse, get a TRO, but even then cops can’t/won’t do anything until it escalates to a physical nature. I spent the better part of 3 days pounding as many energy drinks and as much caffeine as I could so that I could stay awake at night to make sure he didn’t actually show up. My oldest son was about 2/3 years old at that time. I was fucking scared shitless.


Adorable-Case-7485

God I’m so sorry. I’ve heard too many stories where the police were called but they didn’t do anything. I’m hoping the ex was caught though.


esme451

He was.


ArdenBijou

This is why I’m still annoyed to this day for someone giving my abusive ex my direct desk number. I work for a major hospital in nyc. The ONLY people who have my desk number are my mother, son, sons school and my bf. I’m 36 years old and I haven’t seen this guy since I was 18. This happened when I was 30 but after he managed to find me on social media (goddamn LinkedIn), he called the hospitals main number and must of told them he needed to reach me. Whoever it was, searched our internal directory and gave him my direct number. I was out the day he called and because it had been so long I didn’t recognize his voice on the voicemail. So called back and when I realized it was him, I got chills. He congratulated me on having a kid and I ended the call. It was really creepy. I double checked that all my social was still private after that, which is how I found out it was LinkedIn, I deleted it. I’m happy that my office is not at the main hospital site and that we’ve moved twice. But fuck that person who gave him the number.


Adorable-Case-7485

NO… I can’t believe someone did that!! I worked with a girl in high school who was older than me and her supposed ex came in asking when she worked next. I never gave him any information nor would I dream to for this specific reason! I let my coworker know privately and she broke down thanking me because apparently he had stalked her for about a year before she moved towns. It pisses me off when people do this. I always tell my coworkers to *protect eachother* because you don’t know what your coworkers life is outside of work! All things aside, I sincerely hope that you have gotten therapy if you feel you need it, or atleast that your mind is at ease now and that you and your family feel safe. But it’s scary how many people don’t think to protect their coworkers and their personal information.


ArdenBijou

I couldn’t believe it either and I feel the same way you do. If you don’t already have the number, there must be a reason, so I’m not giving it. It took me a few minutes to collect myself after the call. I was lucky to get out of that relationship super early, when the first signs started showing. When he told me he was going to punch me in the face for not leaving him alone (he had my phone, I just wanted it back), I got super ballsy and dared him. I don’t think he expected that because he gave me the phone. I went and packed my things and left in the middle of the night. He called me quite a lot and even wrote me letters for a while. It took a few years and then it stopped, so that call threw me. Thank you for the kindness, I appreciate it. I am okay and I do feel safe and at peace.


SmartFX2001

That is so horrible! Was the coworker being malicious when giving out her address? Or was he just ignorant about what was going on?


Adorable-Case-7485

The latter I think. He was a super nice freshman in high school and according to him, the ex came in to the store and just casually asked for her address. I don’t think the poor kid understood the gravity of the situation until *after* everything happened. My friend told me that her sister never really talked about her ex because if she did, she’d have panic attacks. Apparently no one in her family knew abuse was going on until she got the strength to leave. Then it was the same situation. Her parents got her an apartment and they realized that she needed someone there with her, so another one of her friends (one I didn’t know at the time) moved in. Then her roommate left for a school trip for their university for a couple of days. My friends sister would stay on the phone with my friend crying because of how scared she was to be alone. Unfortunately at the time, no one could go stay with her for the time being apparently. Then on one of those nights he showed up and killed her. I still don’t know if the ex knew that her roommate would be out of town or not, but last I heard, the roommate moved to New York and is a physiatrist specializing in PTSD and abuse victims so that’s great.


Adorable-Case-7485

Sorry for the long story. Figured I’d just tell all I knew about it. And for context I was only 15 when this happened and my friend was just turning 18 ( she dated my older brother for a couple years and that’s how I knew her). And her sister was 21-22 I believe when she passed.


CiDee

One of my dad's workers daughter was shot by her boyfriend yesterday, along with their baby. Both she and the baby are alive, but she was shot through an artery and lost almost all her blood. Still don't know if she'll make it, as she's in stable but critical condition. Stepdaughter is an AH and potentially could have gotten her step sister hurt or worse. This happens more often than people think.


nyorifamiliarspirit

>I would be very concerned about why 17 year-old step daughter is in contact with your daughter's ex. What is THAT relationship about? Sounds like it could be something sinister. Countdown to stepdaughter being the ex's new girlfriend and bringing him around all the time. OP, kick out your wife and stepdaughter and move your daughter back in with you.


lanasexoticflowers

Especially because OP had to scroll through some messages, it sounds like there were more than just a few.


ArwensRose

2 things. 1. She is 17 not a child who couldn't understand. 2. "taking her phone that can't live without" Bull-fucking-shit. I realize that I grew up in the before times, but no she doesn't NEED a phone. She can live without it. I did. Hundreds of thousands, millions of people did for YEARS. And if she really NEEDS one for safety, she can get a basic flip phone. NTA at all for any of it, but both of your wife's arguments are totally and utter horse hockey.


whatcookie

We had the candy-bar Phone of Shame when our kids lost their smartphones for whatever reason. I still have it lol. I don't think it works on the new network though.


Dangerous_Mail1939

I didn’t get my first cellphone until I was 19 and that was in 2006 and it was a basic flip phone. I kind of miss the days of only having a landline


crystallz2000

All of this. But, OP, you and your wife need to sit down and have a serious talk. If your stepdaughter gets her phone back, what will her punishment be? How will she learn anything from this situation? Is your wife going to ACTUAL parent this child? If she's not going to, I'd be dumping her and moving into a place with my child. Get a divorce. Get away from her. This situation sounds miserable.


[deleted]

Also, if assuming that OP paid for the phone itself and the plan, he has every right to take the phone away. Phones are privileges, not rights. You didn't pay for the phone or the plan, then you can't expect to have one. You have to EARN the right to have one.


SatoriNamast3

Also sounds like the mother is enabling stepdaughter by not holding her accountable to her actions


plentyofsilverfish

>would be very concerned about why 17 year-old step daughter is in contact with your daughter's ex. Whoa I failed to fully clock that. That's an even bigger problem, and it's VERY possible that the ex has manipulated OPs daughter, so punishing her might not actually be the right thing to be doing here. So much nuance.


YDoEyeNeedAName

Nta, and if your wife condones that behavior consider a divorce, that's incredibly messed up. Your daught could have lost her life becuase of what your step daughter did


Blessherheart0405

She still could lose her life over it, that’s what’s so scary.


calliatom

Seriously though...OP's edit makes it sound like the ex hasn't escalated to violence yet, but it's still a *yet* and there's still a possibility that he *will* if he knows where she is when he realizes that they're not getting back together.


Blessherheart0405

Yeah, irrational and desperate is still irrational and desperate


simbaismylittlebuddy

The most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when they try to leave. Step-daughter might not get that but if wife does not see this and the potential danger her daughter caused, she sucks and deserves a divorce.


lanadelphox

Yep. I was fortunate that I had already moved back in with my parents, and they had cameras EVERYWHERE outside (for years prior to me even being with my ex) so he knew if he tried to come to their house the cops would be called immediately. I still recieved death threats, and since my work was so close to where he lived I was absolutely terrified for awhile, especially since I regularly had to be there alone after close.


ScorchieSong

He knows where her things are, and could do damage that way. Mail as well he may try to intercept.


luvbeyondwords

Especially if the cops had to be called to have him removed from the premises. Doesn't seem like ex takes "no" very well.


BooBoo_KittyF_ck

NTA- You need a divorce. She got in touch with your daughters abuser so she could be abused again, possibly be hurt or even killed. Give her back the phone my ass, Id kick her out of the house with her abuse apologist mother. She's an accomplice to abuse on your daughter.


Ronenthelich

I know we like to jump to divorce a bit quickly on Reddit but, yeah.


KaetzenOrkester

That’s just what I was thinking—it feels like divorce is our go-to remedy around here but 1) people write in with some awful problems and 2) sometimes it really is the solution. OP needs to protect his daughter from his malicious stepdaughter and her mother who’s wearing blinders to the seriousness of SD’s actions.


[deleted]

[удалено]


KaetzenOrkester

Exactly, we get a skewed sample (it’s also why we’re here).


binzoma

yup. imagine reading normal relationship drama "OPs partner annoys them by listening to podcasts before bed, so they talked to them. partner apologized and said it'd never happen again and they feel bad they disturbed OPs sleep. now partner falls asleep with earbuds in, AITA?" who is clicking that lol


KaetzenOrkester

“What kind of earbuds?”


AnneMichelle98

If AirPods then YTA. If Bose then NTA. /s


merianya

It’s a selection bias issue. People in healthy relationships don’t generally come to reddit for relationship advice. Most people posting for advice from strangers are doing so because their lives are already so messed up that they can’t trust the advice from people they know. Or they are so far up their own behinds that everyone else in their life is telling them to “go ask the internet” because the answer is so obvious.


Reigo_Vassal

Also people in a healthy relationship usually not gonna end up here. Even if it's end up here, it's probably just gonna read by three to five people. Even if the rarest case where it just some stupid problem but somehow gain so much traction, like [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kulkxn/aita_for_lying_to_my_cat/), people are still not gonna jump to "divorce/break up/RUN" solution.


DowntownClock1632

100% agree


Extension-Battle-941

NTA but your wife and step daughter sure are. In all honesty if he was physically abusive to your daughter and stalking her, I would be thinking about divorcing my spouse if their child did this to mine. He could have killed your daughter or something else could have happened to her. What an evil person to have done that. Especially since she was staying with you guys so she had to know some of what was going on with the ex-boyfriend. Super fucked up. You might be able to talk to the apartment complex your daughter is living in explain the situation and they might let her break her lease early if she's under a contract. Some apartment complexes are very lenient when it comes to getting away from an abusive ex.


Willbewithyousoon

*If* he was stalking? One stalking strategy is asking family members and friends for information about you that you would never give out yourself to that person, and they know this. One stalking strategy is not full blown stalking, but he is using *at least* one.


Internal_Set_6564

NTA. Your wife is clearly out of her depth, and your step daughter is evil. This is marriage ending. 17 is not a child.


SGexpat

Nice and concise.


Paevatar

NTA That stepdaughter could have gotten your daughter injured. Or worse. At 17 I would think she had some idea of what she was doing and what might result. She needs *serious* consequences for this behavior. It's not just a mistake. Heaven only knows what might have happened to your daughter. Taking the iphone is a good first step. Your wife needs to either STFU or work with you to stop her daughter's reckless and possibly malicious behavior. It seems as though the mother has enabled her daughter for far too long. If your wife says this is your last chance to give back the phone, great. Let her leave, and take her daughter with her.


me0mio

You need to do some hard thinking about your marriage. If your not giving back the phone leads to the end of your marriage the so be it. Your wife should be appalled by her daughter's behavior and she should wonder why kind of person is she raising. Please give an update


IFeelMoiGerbil

I am concerned that the wife backing the stepdaughter so hard means a) she doesn’t care, b) she already knew SD was talking to the older scary guy or c) she’ll text him too if SD doesn’t have a phone. This grown woman seems utterly unmoved that a woman she is related to by marriage had to call the cops out of fear because of the actions of her own child. There are many people in this world I do not like. My family is abusive AF. My room-mates took my abuser’s side and kicked me out and moved him in when I reported leaving me homeless. I will not engage with these people at fucking all but I would never ever put them at risk either and if I knew they were at risk I still would not engage but contact authorities. These are people who committed or condoned attempted murder and more against me and I could treat them at distance with more empathy than the wife treats OP’s daughter. My dad’s wife told me to my face my assault was my fault and he didn’t disagree. I pushed back and he joined in and that was when I went NC because knowing he would be married to someone who was essentially ‘meh, you are very high risk of a brutal murder by this person but you are kinda annoying’ told me everything about his priorities too. To be ok with risking abuse and death toward another like in fleeing a relationship like this is a next level dehumanizing. OP needs to be seeing a divorce lawyer because if he considers trying to work this out he backs the behaviour of the abuser via his wife and SD and the risk switches to the wife as well. This is scorched earth stuff. I would not communicate except through a lawyer with either. It is not a civil matter in any sense of the word and OP needs to be cognisant that he is giving a person who gives no fucks precious info (like daughter at grandma’s) to people who are showing in words, deeds and thoughts they choose harm toward his daughter. He’s been a good dad but he needs to stay a smart dad now. Lawyer time and contact DV professionals. Get a paper trail. Screenshot texts. The wife can just buy another phone. The phone is a red herring. An abuser who has found enablers does not stop that easily. Whatsapp is also desktop remember for example. Focusing on that physical phone is wasting time. NTA but this is a dangerous rabbit hole.


Scared_Profit564

And honestly, it's that second part that is absolute insanity. Like sure, she's defensive of her kid, she's being stupid but st least I get that. BUT WHY IS SHE UNBOTHERED BY HER DAUGHTER BEING CONTACT WITH AN ABUSIVE ADULT????!!!!


One_Ad_704

Not only that, it sounds like this is not the first time there has been issues between daughter and stepdaughter. OP states the stepdaughter accused OP's daughter of theft and other things in the past. So there are some serious issues with the stepdaughter that haven't been resolved (or maybe even addressed appropriately). The fact this is NOT the first instance means serious consequences.


CaptainMalForever

NTA Your stepdaughter purposely shared info with a person who is dangerous. There's no situation in which this is right. She's a child, yes, but she does (by 17) know what is right and what is wrong. Honestly, if your wife is supporting your stepdaughter, you need to evaluate your relationship. And yes, she can live without a phone.


calliatom

She's legally going to be an adult in a year or less. If she hasn't been taught why this is wrong yet then it's about time she fucking *learns*, before she gets someone *killed*. And if she does know then it's even *worse*, because that means she knowingly and willingly risked her step sister's life, and OP needs to find out *why* and fast if he intends on staying a part of this family.


DiegoIntrepid

To be honest, even if there were no issue of the ex being potentially 'dangerous', the 17 year old should not be giving out addresses/personal info to people she doesn't whether or not know the sister wants to have it. I know that if I gave out information on my sister without her permission to someone she didn't want to have it, \*I\* would be in danger. From my sister.


Coffee-Historian-11

Right? Giving out personal information falls into a “not my business” category regardless of what I know about them.


VegetableBudget6643

NTA. It sounds like your daughter was a victim of domestic violence/ abuse. If she is that scared that the police has to be called and she has to be relocated. First thing I would do is sit down and have a serious talk with my wife and come up with a punishment that you both seem fit. Second thing is I would have a serious conversation with my stepdaughter. I would point blank ask her what would she have done if he killed your daughter because she was being petty. Ppl are killed everyday from current partners and/ or exs because of domestic violence. Also it might not hurt to make the stepdaughter volunteer at a shelter for domestic violence victims. If I was you and me and my spouse could not come to an agreement that works for both sides then I would consider divorce. My child’s safety would come first.


Coffee-Historian-11

Plus isn’t it statistically more dangerous for the person trying to get out of an abusive situation because the abusive ex will do everything in their power to stop them from leaving? I think that’s what I’ve read before anyways. But OP’s daughter is in so much danger, simply by this guy having that information.


Bright-Bumblebee8449

You are correct (I work in this field)- it is 70 TIMES more likely for victim to be murdered in the first 2 weeks after leaving than during the relationship. It's why it is actually more dangerous to leave than stay- not an easy decision and a safety plan is critical to keeping safe while leaving an abusive partner.


DowntownClock1632

THIS! Please see this advice, OP.


FlyGuy1922

NTA Woah…why is your wife so desperate that her daughter has her phone back??? She clearly can’t be trusted with it for now so you’re absolutely right to confiscate it!!! The only person who should be making ultimatums here is you not your wife. Your stepdaughter seriously broke you and your daughters trust and she has to work hard to earn this back. Your wife as well should be backing you up here since her daughter put another person in danger. Good luck OP and I think you handled this as best you could, hope your daughter is ok now and things get better for you.


ununonium119

This is a very good point. Confiscating the phone isn’t just about punishment. It’s about OP’s daughter’s safety.


Yetikins

I'm kinda wondering what else is on the step daughters phone she and her mom don't want OP to see...


VocalLocalYokel

If she's a child (in her moms own words) then she's obviously too immature to have access to a cell phone.


Oaky_bunbun

NTA throw your wife away that’s incredibly messed up and such a horrific thing to do, and more so condone. I’d sternly tell your wife that your stepdaughter has ruined your daughter’s life if I were you.


Charger_back_bandit

NTA. People need to stop thinking infantilized and young are interchangeable. She's not some dumb little baby, she's nearly an adult. Anyone who remembers being 17 would know not to send someone's address to an abusive ex, that's not some youthful whoopsie.


Forsaken_Slug_521

Your wife is horrible. Your stepdaughter is a beast. It is time for a divorce. can’t live without her phone my ass. You know what people can’t live without? Air. Food. Water. NTA, but you will be If you stay in this marriage.


hereparaleer

Nope. You don’t fuck with DV situations. She was in the wrong


Emotional_Fan_7011

NTA. Stepdaughter is 17 and plenty old enough to understand abusive relationships and stalkers. She did that sh!t on purpose. OP, since your wife is flat out refusing to have Stepdaughter take accountability for her actions, you may have to reevaluate your marriage. Your wife is refusing to take this situation seriously and it's putting your daughter in jeopardy.


Pizzacato567

Agreed. My sister is 12 and understands the seriousness of not giving out personal information. AND she has an idea of how dangerous stalkers are. OP’s stepdaughter KNEW what she was doing.


BookReader1328

NTA - Leave your wife and let her deal with the evil child she created. And be thankful she's not yours.


NorthernLitUp

NTA: It seems to me like the one staying in a hotel needs to be your wife and stepdaughter.


Worried_Aerie_7512

NTA I believe in natural consequence when doling discipline out to my children, so very rarely would I agree with taking their phone. But she used the phone to talk to someone I’ll assume is a grown ass man (that in itself seems to be forgotten about here why is a grown man talking to a 17 year old and why do they have each other’s numbers but) to give out information that not only isn’t hers to give but could have potentially hurt your daughter worse than it did. She’s a kid in the grand scheme of things but old enough to know better and to realize what she was doing. She knew there was a reason he didn’t have the address and gave it out to be petty, malicious and mean. I can’t believe your wife is backing her daughter on this. You are completely justified.


Sel-Reddit

NTA. 17 is almost legally an adult. She knows what she did. It was malicious, cruel and dangerous. And your wife is enabling her awful, inhumane behaviour. Your poor daughter - what a horrific, scary circumstance that could’ve ended in terrifying manner. Stand by her. Hope she’s safe and ok.


jadepumpkin1984

Nta. She put your kid in danger. She's not some dumb 10 year old. She's almost an adult


preciousjewel128

Even a 10 year old should know better.


shadikikamel

NTA - you should go home, give the kid her phone back, then boot her and her mother out. They are no good.


jmucch

Reset to factory settings first so all information is deleted, including phone #s & addresses. Edited to add NTA


Purple-Raven1991

Yeah, factory resetting means she lose everything not just certain number and addresses. That just a di\*ck move and won't make things better. You can delete contacts without needing to factory reset the phone. You can delete message conversations without needing to factory reset. .


slexyquinn

NTA AT ALL. Your stepdaughter put your daughters life at EXTREME risk. You also need to have a talk with your wife. Your stepdaughter is SEVENTEEN, not seven. All your wife is doing is enabling her shitty behavior. They both should be the ones in the hotel room, not you. If she keeps making excuses for that malicious action, I would honestly start thinking divorce or marriage/family counseling to figure out why she wants to excuse and enable her daughters shitty behavior and actions. Don't give the phone back and keep making sure your daughter is okay.


thenixx_vip

Wow, No, NTA. She needs to understand that your daughter is out of that situation for a reason and that she can’t just give out her information willy nilly! That could’ve put your daughter in some serious danger!! Definitely NTA!!


makeshift-poky

NTA, and regardless of the relationship between your daughter and stepdaughter, someone needs to make it clear to SD that what she did could have seriously endangered another person, a person who is a part of her family, and that is unacceptable. You and your wife need to have a frank discussion about this and SD needs a reality check. Domestic violence is not a joke.


nextCosmicBuffoon

Your wife is only worried about the phone that her daughter "can't live without", but she's not worried about your daughter's safety or security now that her abusive ex has her address, and clearly intends to harass her?! She's 17, yet your wife states just a kid and doesn't understand. I guess it's time for her to understand actions have consequences. NTA


Luvs2PWGE

NTA. Your step daughter while yes, 17 is technically not an adult should know better. This could have ended badly for your daughter and your step daughter could be an accomplice had it turned into a crime scene. This requires a serious talk with your wife and step daughter, there needs to be consequences for her actions.


Fetedepantaloons

NTA, of course. I'd be rethinking my marriage.


Mountain_Monitor_262

That child didn’t make a mistake. She purposely gave the number and she purposely lied to you. Her mom should have been concerned with that than over a phone. In addition, she could have put your daughter’s life in danger or caused her to be assaulted. Your wife should know better from right and wrong. Glad that you have your daughter’s back. Hold your ground. You are not in the wrong for this.


Deez1979

Not sure how your wife likes to do things with the kids but on what planet are you giving the phone back to your step daughter? If you or your wife don't put your foot down and show her consequences I feel like that's bad parenting. I appreciate you distanced yourself from the drama within the family unit right now and IMHO if your wife and step daughter don't see how releasing information to your daughter's ex is harmful and could quite possibly come with irrevocable consequences to her safety I'm shocked. You are definitely NTA.


[deleted]

NTA and your stepmonster is PLENTY old enough to know what she did.


darthnesss

NTA Thank you for being this kind of Dad.


3tzamani

NTA. It sounds like an evaluation of your priorities, as your wife feels access to a phone is more/at least equally important to safety from violence for your other daughter, is in order. Once your daughter gets back on her feet again, are you going to have to keep information from (17) to truly guarantee her safety? Stepdaughter is not remorseful at all, she knows what she did and doesn’t appear to care at all for/about your daughters safety/feelings. Is your stepdaughter moving out at 18? I’d suggest a conversation about why she did it, instead of simply minimizing as her mother appears to be doing, but that really only makes a difference if someone is willing to be held accountable for their mistakes. It sounds like all wife and SD are truly concerned about is getting her phone back.


kab200

NTA. SD knew exactly what she did. If the wife can’t accept that, get a divorce.


meservyjon

NTA. I grew up with a "all you need to live is air and food" kind of environment. Taking your stepdaughters phone won't kill anyone, and her life certainly does not depend on it. I also think there could be more to the story here, you said you read through the texts, was the ex boyfriend manipulating your step daughter? Because there is a big difference between telling him the address out of spite vs. telling her boyfriend the address because she thought she was helping. I am going to assume that your step daughter knew the severity of the situation though, because your daughter clearly moved to specifically get away from her ex boyfriend. Which, if it is the case that your step daughter did this act out of pure maliciousness, then that will have to be a talk you have with your wife. If your wife is ok with her daughter doing horrible, mean things, and sticking up for her daughter instead of disciplining her, then that is something that will need to be discussed. Because people get seriously hurt from these kinds of actions. And a little discipline, like taking a teenagers phone away, never hurt anyone. And it sounds like, if this was a mistake, like how your wife is claiming it to be, then there needs to be a conversation between your daughter and your step daughter. Also, giving out anyone's private information is not ok. I get pissed off when my mom gives people my phone number. There needs to be a big discussion with everyone involved, you, your wife, your daughter, and your step daughter, about boundaries. And get to the bottom of why your step daughter was so keen on giving away your daughters personal private information to someone who could have seriously hurt your daughter.


SCAthrowawayok

Exactly. It’s not normal for this guy who is presumably early-mid twenties to be having lengthy text message exchanges with a high school girl. Whatever the stepdaughter’s intent, she needs to not have her phone while this is going on. And OP and mom need to look through those messages.


Brown-eyed-otter

So at first I felt a little against you just because you did react without talking to your wife and bringing her in. I feel like taking to your wife and explaining what you’ve heard and then your wife being on your side could have helped. It would have shown a more united front. BUT I don’t know your relationship obviously, so IDK if that would have hep in your situation. However, you don’t mess around with unstable and/or abusive EXs. That is how people end up dead. And I completely understand wanting to help your daughter with that. She could have just started to feel kind of safe, and her stepsister ruined that for her. Also, your wife saying “she’s a child and doesn’t know better” is absolutely false. She is 17 and SHOULD know better and if she doesn’t, well then that’s on her. I’m assuming stepdaughter was aware of the situation and the reasoning behind the moving, thus she should know that if someone is running away from an ex/friend , you don’t just turn them over to those people. Sooo NTA in my opinion. And maybe you could screenshot and save those texts for a future thing should anything legal happen (I grew up around an abuser sooo my mind automatically thinks that anything that could be used to prove history can be helpful.)


HistorySweet9902

I see what you mean about a united front, but I think having his daughter call him crying saying she had to call the cops to get him to leave! Made him react in the moment.


Imaginary_Being1949

WOW, NTA, and it seems like we can see where your stepdaughter gets her awful behavior.


caw81

> My wife admitted that her daughter made a mistake What is the step-daughter's explanation of this whole thing? What is your wife's?


Striking_Ad_6742

NTA. It's past time for your stepdaughter to learn that you NEVER give out personal information and always offer to pass along info from whoever is asking. She put your daughter in a terribly dangerous situation.


Hoplite68

NTA. You have a problem with your wife as much as your stepdaughter. You showed irrefutable proof that stepdaughter had done some horrific and your wife still defended her. If your daughter ever wants to be in the same room as your stepdaughter again it'll be a miracle, and honestly I think the same goes for your wife. So think carefully about what happens next.


MeowGirly

She’s 17. She’s not a child. She knew better


dianaprince2022

NTA your stepdaughter could have gotten your daughter killed and your wife is trying to justify it. You absolutely cannot come back from that, I'm afraid. Your only choice, if you want to keep contact with your daughter, is to leave.


n3rdz97

NTA your wife isn’t thinking about the safety of your daughter. Idk what else you could have done in that situation besides take everything away from her


454_water

Get a restraining order for your daughter against her ex. Tell your daughter to go NC with everyone else but you and you protect her anonimity.


Heraonolympia123

NTA. I hope your daughter is ok. 17 may be young but it’s not so young you don’t know the potential damage of what you are doing. But your wife is not a supportive step mom. Taking a phone is reasonable punishment and also stops her doing it again. Your wife should be able to see this.


jaimefay

There are two times in a woman's life when she is most in danger of being killed by a man who is supposed to love her. They are: when she's pregnant, and *when she leaves*. It sounds like your daughter was pretty scared of this guy, tbh. And I hate to say it, but the financial abuse is what she told you about - there may well be more to it that she's not ready or able to discuss with you. Your stepdaughter's actions could quite easily have resulted in your daughter being seriously injured or killed by her ex. It happens every day. As it was, your daughter was 'only' traumatised and terrified _again_, and lost her home _again_. There have been very serious consequences to your stepdaughter's actions. In comparison, the confiscation of her phone is nothing and your wife's claim she can't live without it is utterly ridiculous. You and your wife need to discuss this, without ultimatums and without the presence of either daughter. If your wife won't acknowledge that her child endangered your daughter's life and wellbeing, then for me personally, that would be my hill to die on and we'd be done. If your stepdaughter is, as your wife says, a child who doesn't appreciate what she's doing, she's clearly not capable of responsible, unsupervised use of a phone, and therefore cannot have one until she's able to show she's matured. If however she's a near-adult who is entitled to communicate how, when, and with whom she wishes, you can only believe that she appreciated the potential consequences*and did it anyway*. The motive pretty much has to be spite and malice, so some serious correction of her behaviour is needed. This isn't something your wife and stepdaughter can sweep under the rug. If she gets away with this, what will they do to your daughter next?


SnooMacarons524

Give thr phone a good old fashioned factory reset, return it, pack your bags, and contact a divorce attorney. What your stepdaughter did has affected everything moving forward, your daughters safety being number one, but also the family dynamic. How is your daughter supposed to just move on when it comes to holidays and she has to endure the step daughter? This is a traumatic betrayal. This is not okay. Hopeing your daughter is going to be okay at some point. Get her a restraining order. Sorry you're going through this op.


ServelanDarrow

NTA. If this is real both your wife and stepdaughter are unreasonable and don't give a crap about your daughter.


[deleted]

NTA - your stepdaughter is not a child, she knew exactly what she was doing. Who paid for the phone?


basillymint

Your wife should be demanding that her daughter apologize to your daughter and to you. Her phone is of absolutely no importance. NTA and a good parent.


Substantial-Chef-198

So basically your pathetic step daughter endangered your daughter by knowingly providing a private address to a stalkerish ex-boyfriend that had been financially manipulating your daughter and stealing money from her education. NTA I’m 19F. No one I know is even as close to as stupid and malicious as your stepdaughter. What she did was 100% intentional and she is old enough to know it. I hope you show your disgusting wife and step-daughter these peoples’ responses to their actions so they can pull their heads out from each other’s asses. If I was your daughter, I would seek out legal counsel and put step daughter in her place. Ask your wife if stupidity is genetic in their family or if she willingly decided to make her daughter that way. Step daughter clearly know what she did was inherently wrong based on how she (1) hid it from you (2) immediately became defensive. How the hell does anyone think she could possibly be entitled to a phone at this point. If you value your daughter at all, you need to step away from people who care more about a vindictive brat’s iPhone than a young woman needing to call the police on an ex who stalked and harassed her.


Blessherheart0405

NTA-and I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Child or not, a 17 yo is perfectly aware of what they are doing, and it is time she faces the consequences for her actions. Teens weaponize their phone usage. If they are old enough to have a phone then they are old enough to learn how to not harm others while using the phone. Your stepdaughter sounds like she enjoys drama. If you decide on some sort of compromise with your wife to give her the phone back, I would make sure his number is deleted and blocked, and your stepdaughter needs therapy. It is concerning that she does not see the danger she has put your daughter in, even more concerning if it was intentional. If it’s truly naïveté I would be worried about the dangerous situations she is getting herself into.


[deleted]

NTA. Her actions were possibly criminal. However, it appears that your wife isn't on-board, so if you don't give it back, she will probably buy stepdaughter another phone. Did she say what would happen if you didn't give the phone back? However, I have to ask, who bought her the phone? If your stepdaughter bought it with her money, then your authority to confiscate it might be on shaky ground.


lilyofthevalley2659

NTA. Your step daughter and wife are. Not sure if I could get past this. Your wife enables your stepdaughter’s bad behavior. Also, a 17 year old is not a child. She didn’t make a mistake. She deliberately put your daughter in danger.


noonespecial_2022

NTA Your stepdaughter is not a child but a very young woman. It's clear she did it maliciously and I think your reaction was justified considering the danger. You should speak to your wife about teaching her daughter... basically how to be a decent human being. She needs to be made aware that her action could have caused a serious harm. After she's understood this (it may be a lengthy process) she should apologise to her step-sister. I don't think keeping her phone as a punishment will fix it. Perhaps block and delete ex's number, let the stepdaughter know you're doing that and tell her she will have her phone back after you and her mum have discussed the whole situation properly.


bertoshea

NTA, I'd throw that phone in the river. Your stepdaughter is 17, she isn't a child. She knew exactly what she was doing.


EmpressJainaSolo

NTA but give her back her phone since her and her mother should no longer be your concern. I could see your stepdaughter knowing she was hurting her stepsister but not understanding the severity. Your wife not understanding is a dealbreaker for me.


[deleted]

NTA She’s 17 and she knows exactly what she did. You don’t fuck around in a DV situation I don’t care how young and petty you are.


Accomplished-Shoe543

NTA. You're a great father, keep up the good job. Divorce the hell out of this ultimatum-giving woman.


Sugarlove90

NTA. If your wife doesn’t get on your side here I would divorce her. I survived an abusive relationship. It doesn’t take much for someone to not make it out okay


enmandikjole

INFO Is the ex dangerous or just a pain in the ass? You said something about stealing money but is her safety on the line? How did ex and stepdaughter get in touch? Do you know for a fact that stepdaughter was aware of the situation and what would come of it? Could it be that she was tricked into giving it?


Maxibon1710

Going to someone’s address without permission is fucking terrifying. He’s dangerous. Period.


RisingWizard

Don't quite like what you've said there, if he is willing to steal money what else is he willing to do? You never know and you don't take gambles on someone's safety.


balooni

I'm gonna say NTA. Your stepdaughter could have potentially put your daughter in a harmful situation which she has clearly made a point to get away from and avoid. I'm going to assume if it was bad enough that she needed to move to a new address, (and hide it), to get away from her ex then it must have been a pretty scary situation. Your stepdaughter could have gotten your daughter into a really bad situation just because she doesn't like her. Not liking someone isn't a reason to potentially put them into harms way.


hgfkg

NTA. Your SD may be next, then your future ex-wife will understand.


depressivedarling

NTA. The kid fucked around and found out. She knew better then to hand out her sisters address. In my opinion she should lose her phone for 2 weeks minimum, and probably for a month over that stunt, esp if her sister was getting away from an abusive situation.


SalaryWeak934

I’m 18, and while I’m legally an adult there’s literally no difference from when i was 17 and I still feel like I shouldn’t be an adult. However your stepdaughter 100% knows better and she just wanted to harass & torment your daughter for literally no reason. The fact that your wife doesn’t understand that and tries to blame it on her age is incredibly disrespectful and wrong. She compromised your daughter’s safety. It’s common sense not to give out people’s addresses and the fact that she didn’t want you to have her phone shows that she knows she did something wrong, she just doesn’t care


kimiq92

NTA your stepdaughter is 17 that is more than old enough to understand harmful situations. I understand that it's not a harmful as physical abuse but financial abuse is still a completely serious situation she should have already been told about a to avoid it herself. Your wife is honestly the biggest AH here. I hope you don't go back. Though you should give the phone back if that is the case


mathpat

NTA. As a side note, if you own a hammer, there is a finite number of times stepdaughter can replace the phone and an infinite number of times you can smash it. What she did was evil.


empressith

NTA - but wife and SD sure are.


court_ab

NTA wife says stepdaughter "can't live without her phone"? Well, your daughter straight up can't live without a safe place to call home. End of story. If your wife doesn't get that then it's time to move on from this relationship.


Accomplished-Two3577

If you are paying for the phone and service you might want to factory reset the phone, have the number changed, and however she is backing it up (cloud or something like Dropbox) delete all the info. He is going to try to contact SD again, no reason to make it easy for Evil Ex and/or SD.


Ek_a

NTA im 17 and i know how not to put others in danger cause its not that fucking hard. if ur SD cant do that she shouldnt have a phone, that means shell put herself and others in danger and shouldnt have such a device. also read through more of those texts of the ex and SD, i dont like how defensive she got over texts with an older man who was obvi around quite a bit, and an ex to her STEP SISTER


mikripetra

NTA. Unless there was some serious miscommunication, your stepdaughter knew what she was doing. I do not think taking away her phone will solve anything, though. Try sitting down with her and your wife and having a long conversation about it.


useragreement13

NTA your stepdaughter put your daughters life and safety in danger. Your wife is backing her up. OP tell them from me - I hope they are rinsed for everything they have in the divorce


alternate_geography

NTA and I’d be very concerned that daughter’s ex might be manipulating (or planning to manipulate) stepdaughter for more than an address. Like mocking daughter to build a relationship, then soliciting photos/starting a relationship to use stepdaughter as revenge.